Progresso: My husband is humiliating me with his youthful looks and energy!

1.  There's not a whole lot of evidence here that "we" are really enjoying Progresso's new line of Light soups.  Husband- yes.  We? No.

2.  Leave it to pasty, Still-apparently-locked-indoors wife to complain that her slimmed-down, exercise-conscious, twenty-years-younger husband is wearing 80s jogging gear while embracing his new lifestyle.  Sure, he's healthier.  Sure, he's more muscular.  Sure, he has more energy.  But ewwww check out the colors!  What will the neighbors think?  Well, my guess is

3.  The neighbors are probably spending less time talking about Hubby's garish wardrobe than they are wondering where the hell Wifey is, and why she isn't out there running alongside Hubby and trimming down too.  Instead of hanging around the house, talking into an empty can with some "chef" over at Progresso.

Hey, honey?  Here are few tips that Progresso would give you if it was interested in something other than peddling its product:  Now that you have both embraced eating bland, watery soup as a way of cutting calories, why not take the extra step and get that body moving like Hubby did?  My guess is that he won't mind if you pull the leggings and wrist weights and rainbow tank tops out of storage, if it means you regain that curvy form that attracted him to you twenty years ago.  I just can't see him calling the Progresso Complaint Line to vent about you becoming a young, lithe, energetic little goddess in the sack, can you?

Oh, and here's other little tip- it's not a good idea to stand still while your Significant Other is embarked on a journey of physical improvement.  I'm not trying to judge your relationship or anything, but I feel like I gotta warn you- there are plenty of fish in the sea, and not all of them are content to be pale, overweight curmudgeons while their spouses are busy discovering the fountain of youth through diet and exercise.  Just a thought.

Remember when AMC used to mean "American Movie Classics?"

It's bad enough that AMC, once the place for truly Classic movies, is now the place to see pretty much any movie whose rights are inexpensive to obtain (did you know that "Constantine," "Demolition Man," and "Anaconda" were "Classics?"  Me neither.)

It's even worse that AMC, once the place to see these Classic movies commercial-free, now crowds out every running of "Battle for the Planet of the Apes" with about 500 ads for Viagra, K-Y Jelly and State Farm Insurance (yes, I do believe that all three show up around the same place on the Taste Meter.)

And it's just plain horrible that AMC has become the dumping ground for bottom-feeder television shows that were so wretched, the History Channel wouldn't pick them up.  I'm talking Immortalized,  Comic Book Men, The Walking Dead, Talking Dead, Brain Dead (ok, I made that last one up.  I think.)

But the ad for this garbage doesn't make any sense to me at ALL.  I guess it's supposed to be "funny" because haha look at these weirdos, they look so awful and they are doing such nonconformist things while the narrator is telling us that they are basically like Us Normals.  I'd think it was an almost important message concerning tolerance and a reminder that Diversity is an American strength- but then I am told that the program is called "Freakshow."  So never mind- if the people here disgust you, it's not because you've got a stick up your ass and can't comprehend anyone not embracing your exact lifestyle.  It's because they are Freaks, and you are Normal.

Well, thank goodness there's something to watch after I get done laughing at stuffed animals in stupid poses.  Now I can go right to watching weirdos getting exploited by AMC's desperate attempt to get to the bottom before The History Channel beats them to it.  Lovely.

Music Bullet to the Barely-breathing Intensive Care patient known as "Society"

Yes, we all know what a PAIN it is when we want to listen to our music anywhere, at any time- and all we have is headphones or cell phone or laptop speakers!  Even when we crank the volume all the way up, we have to stand within 20 feet of our devices or we can't hear a damn thing!

Now there's Magic Bullet, an amazing, wonderful device which allows us to listen to our music as God Intended- at a volume which lets everyone within a hundred yards or so know what our tastes are.  Now if we are at the beach, or the park, or the library, or the hospital, or the cemetery- No Matter, we NEVER EVER EVER have to be without our music- and now, everyone else gets to be with our music, too.

I wonder sometimes if the people who create and market crap like this are really the most inconsiderate, thoughtless pricks in the universe- or if they are just deaf and bitter at us Hearing Peoples.  Personally, if Magic Bullet becomes popular, I think I'll be envying the deaf and wondering what they think is so great about being able to hear.

Never mind the phone; does Radio Shack offer kid upgrades?

Are there really any dads out there who are so whipped and beaten down by their KIDS that they would let themselves be treated like this guy does?  I mean, check out this choad's fat doofus son, who mysteriously has the power to force his dad into the local Radio Shack to purchase a new phone because Dad's current one is ewwwww so lame and so 2012.

Seriously, this little putz (the kid, not the dad) sure runs a tight ship, doesn't he?  Son has had more than enough of Dad not showing well for his friends, and it's time for Dad to get hooked up with whatever the saleswoman at Radio Shack tells him is the Coolest Phone This Month.  Maybe Son has threatened Dad with-- well, what?  How exactly did the Conversation Before The Cameras Started Running go?  Did Son threaten to hold his breath until he got uglier?  What?

Whatever happened, the disgusting wuss (the dad, not the kid) goes along because after all, it's all about Showing Well for Your Kid.   I guess these two just deserve each other.  But don't try to convince me that Mom is still around.  She either took off for greener pastures, or Son has already wished her under one.  Either way, she's in a much better place, and far better off than Dad, who will no doubt find himself at the car dealership within the next few days because Jeeeeesssshhhh why are you still driving a 2012 model stupid, don't you know how LAME that makes you look (eyeroll.)

This could make me swear off Hondas

I've been teaching Advanced Placement history for eighteen years, and let me start of by making it very clear that I am not a worshiper of the Founding Fathers.  I don't think they walked on water, and I don't believe that we should attempt to decipher everything they did and said before making a decision on anything.  As far as I'm concerned, they were just like us- extremely flawed human beings (Even more flawed than us, in that most of them owned slaves.)

This commercial doesn't show a healthy, "hey they were just people too" attitude toward the Founders.  It basically presents them as insignificant little cartoon characters available to be mocked and caricatured- and used to sell cars, of course.  There's nothing really new here- George Washington's image was used to sell cigars 130 years ago.  I used to play with Lincoln Logs ( I still think that they are the best toy ever invented by anyone, ever.)  Presidents have been selling mattresses for as long as I can remember.  But there have to be some limits.  At least, I used to think so.  Then I saw this, and realized that there is no bottom to the barrel as far as advertisers are concerned.

At this moment, I'm ashamed that my last three cars have been Hondas, and that I had every intention of making my next one a Honda as well.  Most of my family drives Hondas.  They are good, reliable cars which are also inexpensive to operate.  But darn it- I don't know if I can patronize the label after this.  I think I'll spend the next several months watching Toyota ads to see if they come anywhere close to this level of Insulting.

But, Volkswagen?  Forget it.  You are still much worse.

Chevy Volt Proves: Our Customers are Insufferable Idiots, Too!

If you weren't TOOOOOTTTALLLLY ready to bludgeon this annoying woman to death with a heavy blunt object by the end of this ad, well, let's just say you are a much better person than I am.

And I don't even want an explanation of that little gesture she makes in attempting to explain her forty mile daily commute to and from work.  I'm not even sure why it requires a gesture.  Seems like a pretty basic concept to me- you drive your car forty miles a day on average.  I get it, lady.

And considering that these things cost considerably more than cars that use gasoline, I don't buy the "I'm going to Hawaii on the money I save" bit.  Actually, it takes YEARS of gas savings to make up for the extra money you spent on cars like the Volt.   But at least she doesn't pull that "I go to the gas station so rarely, I sometimes forget how to put gas in the car" line we hear in another commercial for the same car- a line that is only believable if putting gasoline in the Chevy Volt is a extremely complicated procedure.

Look, I think that electric cars are awesome, and I pray that they are the wave of the future (actually, I pray that light rail and national bullet trains are the wave of the future, but I'm willing to see this as a step in the right direction.)  I have to wonder why Chevy feels the need to prove to us that owners of their Volts are just as obnoxious, self-congratulatory, stupid-bubbly and smug as owners of Earth-wrecking SUVs and Big Manly Trucks.   I, for one, never doubted it.

Helzberg Diamonds: your place for stupid, mixed messages

Let's see if I understand this mercifully brief nub of an ad:

Guy whispers something to his Significant Other, then tells us "None of your business."  (We didn't ask what he said, and God knows I can't imagine that any of us care.)

The narrator then asks us to "share our stories" on the Helzberg Diamond website.

So they go from "mind your own business" to "make your personal life everyone's business" in right about five seconds?

Did I miss something?