This Seriously Strange, and Sad, Camzyos Ad

 

Is it just me, or is there actual NEGATIVE chemistry between this woman, the adult male and the child in this ad?  No matter how many times I've seen this commercial all the way through, all I see is a strange woman who decided to show up at a baseball game and latch herself to a noticeably single man and his son for the duration of the day.

I'm serious.  This woman does NOT interact with the kid like she knows anything about him, but is trying very hard to cosplay (or audition for the role of) being his Mom.  If possible, there is even less warmth between her and the guy.  It looks for all the world like the guy and his son are just being polite to this sad woman who showed up at a ball game all by herself and decided to start hanging out with them- near the concessions, in the stands....maybe all the way out to the parking lot after the game...until finally dad- who had his finger on the Emergency Button of his phone for the walk from the bleachers to the car- was able to get his son buckled and himself in the car with the door locked before giving Crazy Woman a quick "well nice meeting you bye" and leaving the lot at the Fastest Speed Allowed by Decency and Safety Standards.  

On the way home, Dad and Son have an awkward laugh about the experience and discuss whether Mom should be told about it when Dad drops Son off at Mom's house before 6 PM tonight, as stipulated by the court.  And they agree that if Crazy Woman Shows up at the next game, Dad politely announces that he and the child will be Sitting Over There Now No Do Not Follow Us. 

What's this drug being peddled, btw?  

Colon Guard: I've said it once, I'll say it again...

 

I get it.  I've been through two colonoscopies.  They are not pleasant experiences.  I mean, the actual process is barely an experience at all.  The prep is what is pretty much the opposite of pleasant.  

Still, it's covered by health insurance and it's hard to exaggerate how important it is.  That being said, I am plenty sick of these commercials featuring obviously well-off people with plenty of time on their hands being so damn comfortable cutting corners on a test that could literally add years to your life if it results in early detection.  

You just know the target audience for Colon Guard are the same people who will think nothing of binge-watching Netflix or binge-scrolling Tiktok or dropping hundreds of dollars on a concert or trip to a local amusement park for the family.....but when it comes to doing a freaking cancer screening, NOW you're concerned about the cost in time and money?  Please.

I bet you can get a deep discount on slightly-damaged parachutes, too.  What the hell is going on here? When it's time for a colonoscopy GET IT DONE IN A SPECIALIST'S OFFICE YOU RIDICULOUS KNOBS.  What's next, do-it-yourself dentistry?  Wait...what?  That's an actual thing too?

All Off-the-shelf mediation companies need to read this post

 

My nose is running and my throat is getting sore

and I'm sure not sleeping like the way I did before

I think it's aaaaaaaaaaaaallergies

I hate these aaaaaaaaaaaalergies

these commercials make it look like magic's in the air

instead of pollen, grass and don't forget all that nasty old pet hair

I hate my aaaaaaaaaaaaaaalergies

G-d- these aaaaaaaaaaaaaalergies

Well it's not magic, you can't just pop one and then go about your day 

the symptoms will continue till you think you'll go insane

because they're aaaaaaaaaalergies

we all hate aaaaaaaaaaaaaalergies

Ok, that's enough of that.

It's bad enough that all of these ads- for Claritin, Allegra, Benadryl, Nyquil, Dayquil, etc. all pitch the idea that you are one dose away from being completely free of symptoms and ready to tackle the world- or play with a puppy, though for the life of me I can't understand why anyone would want to do either.  Here in the real world, medication is sold in multi-dose packages because it takes days of treatment to feel any relief at all.  And if you're going to roll around on the grass and stick your nose into a damn puppy's fur, there's probably not enough dosage out there to really save you from yourself anyway.  At least when I got my severe attack last weekend it was because it was 80 degrees and sunny and I took a walk.  I didn't lick any trees or shove grass clippings up my nose, daring an immune response.  Christ what is it with these people?  We don't see people on insulin celebrating having their blood sugar under control by consuming entire sheet cakes.  Why do we see allergy sufferers rolling around in pollen snorting puppies?  Stupid.  At least as stupid as my "song."

Honey Nut Cheerios? I have so many questions

1.  I can see why this woman wants to eat her cereal in the massive living room of her massive house and not the kitchen.  But why did she bring the box in with her?

2.  More, why did she bring a brand-new, unopened box in with her when there's already cereal in her bowl?  

3.  I get that the dialogue is supposed to (however clunkily) connect to the song, but who the hell "talks to their heart" about cereal?  Is she "talking" to her heart by providing her body "heart-healthy" nutrients?  I suppose, but if that's the case, I think the message she's sending is "I really care for you, heart, but not enough to avoid sugar and eat an actual breakfast that isn't basically candy."

4.  Other than her heart, who is she talking to?  The box?  Oh my god- the bee?  Does she actually see that bee?  Come to think of it, does she actually hear that music?  Or is she just a lunatic eating a toddler's breakfast and doing a weird sitting dance from her couch?

5.  "We are powerful?"  Who is "we?"  Oh my god- she DOES see that bee.  Her next lines- when she stops having a mild fit on the couch- are "we ARE sane, and we do NOT need to sign those Power of Attorney papers, and the kids do NOT have to see to our financial affairs."  

That Allstate Commercial that rips off Dr. Pepper's Fansville

 

I am a fan of the New England Patriots, the Boston Red Sox, the Maryland Terrapins, and the Catholic University Cardinals.  All that being said, neither I nor anybody in my family would take offense if the fan of an opposing team showed up wearing the colors of that team.*

The people in this ad act like members of a cult, and the first thought that crossed my mind when watching it was why didn't the girl warn her boyfriend in advance that her entire family were a bunch of intolerant loons who had taken a blood pledge to a college in North Carolina?  My second thought was, why didn't Allstate go all out and push the envelope, portraying

....the reaction of a Sunni family to the boyfriend showing up wearing a yarmulke?  Or

....the reaction of a Jehovah's Witness family to the boyfriend showing up with a birthday cake?  Or

....the reaction to a Sane, Tolerant family to the boyfriend showing up wearing a MAGA hat?

But I keep going back to my original question:  Did the girlfriend not know that her boyfriend went to Duke? Wouldn't that come up in a conversation at some point?  Is this a Montague-Capulet deal?  Why was the guy blindsided like this?  

Also, isn't the No-Longer-Potential-Life-Partner-Because-He-Went-To-The-Wrong-School-in-NC far better off?  I thought the families in the Dr. Pepper Fansville commercials were nuts.  Oh wait- is this a crossover?

*Unless they show up wearing a Yankees cap.  I mean, we all have limits.

How did I miss this Kia Holiday Sales Event Commercial?

 

I mean, it does such a great job aping the Lexus December to Remember ads that it could pass as a Saturday Night Live skit.  As in, "Look- here's a sort-of kind-of if-you-squint-and-ignore-pretty-much

-everything, this looks like a Lexus no really."

And I'm almost glad that I live in a universe where people who aren't hedge fund managers can aspire to own a car that at least pretends to provide a...um...."luxury" experience.  All you have to do is sign here and spend the next four years pretending that isn't a KIA logo on the front chrome and the steering wheel (again, squint really hard and MAYBE you can make it look like it's a Lexus.)  Just put a red ribbon on it and stick it in the driveway and hope beyond hope that when the significant other you bought it for looks at it, the scene doesn't turn into a replay of George Costanza's gifting of a cashmere sweater.  As in "oh it's beautiful, it's gorgeous, how could you possibly afford.....ewww, what's that?  A KIA logo?  Ooooh....well....it's still beautiful, really, I mean, thanks very much....um....you got the warranty, right?"

This Outback Commercial is the ultimate in Low Effort....

 

...so my take on it will match it's imaginative energy, if not the energy of it's main character.

Seriously, though- I've never in my life been as excited about anything as much as this guy is at the prospect of eating a mid-priced steak dinner at a chain restaurant.  After being turned down for a job, yet.  This guy should have been hired for his enthusiasm alone, except that if he's this fixated on Yet Another Night at Outback I doubt he's got a lot left for whatever the job is. 

That's all I've got, except that I continue to be impressed at how over-the-top the reaction to going to Outback is for this guy.  Imagine if he won a gift card to Ruth's Chris.  I think he'd explode.

"Confused?" Yes, Snickers, I am.

 

About a few things, actually...

First, is the second woman at this table such an addict that the connection between her brain and her muscles simply fails if her blood sugar drops below a certain level?  She looks as though she has no idea what she did with that glass or why she did it.  I would be thinking epilepsy, not "let's get you another quick sugar fix."  Does her friend carry candy around in her purse specifically for occasions like this?

Second, the woman who just had what I'll charitably refer to as an "episode" needs something other than a sugar hit.  She needs a roll of absorbent paper towels so she can clean up her mess.  Because, you know, it's her responsibility and if she walks out without at least offering she ought to be banned from the place.  

Third...seriously, Mars?  We're still doing this "you're not yourself when you're hungry" bit?  It's almost twenty years old now.  And it never made any sense.  Sugar doesn't satisfy hunger.  It stimulates it- besides leading to a lot of other health issues that DON'T result from a balanced diet.  And I don't see how this commercial sells your product anyway.  Personality-changing addiction is funny?  Since when?

This Special K with Berries Commercial

 

So the question is "Why does Special K have 10 grams of protein?"  Followed by several shots of an old woman who needs energy and thinks that getting it from a bowl of soggy pencil shavings makes more sense than from eggs (which have six ounces of protein EACH.)

I have a better question.  Why does a 19-ounce box of Special K cost almost $9?  If you get your protein from eggs, you are paying about 4 cents per gram.  If you get it from Special K, it will cost you about 20 cents per gram.  And that doesn't include the milk you kind of have to consume along with the Special K but aren't necessary to serve along with the eggs.  

I'm just sayin'....if are going to eat Special K because you like Special K, that's fine.  But don't tell me you're spending that kind of money on cereal because you figure you need the protein.  If it's all about the protein, eat an egg or two.  This isn't rocket science. 

Kalshi is a product of Unregulated Capitalism. Everything old is new again.

 

This is one of those ads that throws so much insulting Stupid at the viewer that it's hard to decide what to focus on.  A lot of the commentators are fixated on the idea of betting on Jesus rising from the dead- and the comment section has predictably become a silly debate over who wins that Not-A-Bet-Don't-Call-It-A-Bet.  Being an adult in the 21st century, I have zero interest in wading into that fetid swamp.  

As a student of history, I was more taken by the image of Paul Revere warning "the British are coming" while riding through what looks to be a burning city.  Like, what the actual hell?  If the British were responsible for those flames, wouldn't the people in the town have gotten the hint way before Revere showed up?  This looks like a guy running through the streets of Pompeii while lava flows down and smoking rocks are crashing everywhere yelling "Vesuvius is Erupting!"  No S--t, Sherlock.  

What does this have in common with Jesus's rising from the dead?  Well, neither happened.  Ok, I went there.  But just for a moment. 

What REALLY interests me is labeling Kalshi for what it is- an online Bucket Shop.  In the 19th century, the Bucket Shops were open-street "markets" where people could bet (excuse me, "take futures in") whether particular stocks would go up or down.  They didn't involve the actual purchase of stock any more than current betting apps involve buying shares in sports teams.  Exactly like Kalshi, they didn't involve the transfer of actual product at all.  In 1906 the Supreme Court closed down the Bucket Shops by declaring them to be engaged in illegal gambling.  

Kalshi is no different.  It's a Bucket Shop you don't have to sneak out to in disguise to avoid being spotted and judged by your friends.  But in every other respect, it's gambling on steroids.  "Future Markets."  Give me a break.

NetCredit to the (Stupid) People

 

There's just something so off-putting about watching people with garbage credit (usually caused by failure to make timely payments or overutilization of existing credit) celebrate being given the opportunity to go more heavily into debt.  In reality, kicking the can down the road, accepting money at ruinous interest rates is nothing to be proud of, let alone happy about.  But these people act like robbing Peter to pay Paul is akin to winning the damn lottery.  What a sad display- and an even worse commentary on the state of the American Economy.  

Random Thoughts On This Skyrizi Ad

 

1.  Is it a requirement for employment at this pool-playground-resort that you are afflicted nasty skin and are on Skyrizi?

2.  The woman working at the ice cream stand is way too happy with her crummy job.  She must be the resort owner or something.  I've never been that happy doing anything in my entire life.  Handing ice cream to kids and waiting tables sure wouldn't do it for me.

3.  Those kids don't want to have a conversation with you.  Just give them their damn ice cream.

4.  Is this woman the only employee?  Who is preparing ice cream when she's carrying whatever the hell that stuff is to a table?  Why does she think she has time to chat with the customers?  Someone is waiting at the counter to order ice cream.  What the actual hell is going on here?

5.  Why isn't this woman wearing sunglasses?  Sure seems bright out, and she seems to be engaged in a constant squint.  

6.  Is the guy really trying to teach kids how to swim?  He doesn't know how to.  Why aren't the kids wearing goggles?  He wears goggles when he swims underwater. Why did he just jump into the pool right next to them, splashing chlorine into their eyes, when you KNOW there are "No Jumping" signs all over the place?  

Ok I'm done.  This ad is really, really stupid.