God Save Baseball from Professional Baseball "Fans"

 

Way back in 2002, the Major League Baseball All-Star Game ended in a tie, and you'd think that the Munich Agreement and Non-Aggression Pact had been announced at the same time.  The sky fell, the Professional Outrage Merchants did their thing, and for reasons that apparently didn't need to explain SOMETHING had to be done to prevent this ATROCITY from ever happening again.  

At no point was it suggested by anyone in the media that the All Star Game was just an annual fun ritual that traditionally meant absolutely nothing and should not be taken as anything except a celebration of the most popular players in the game (not necessarily the best, because fans vote and fans are stupid.)  No, this was SERIOUS and a CRISIS was at hand and baseball itself had been BETRAYED because a game that did not appear in the standings, featuring plays that did not appear in any official stats, ended in a tie. 

The response was to ruin the All Star Game for more than a decade by giving it stakes:  The winning league would have home-field advantage in the World Series.  Never mind that for 90 percent of the players this meant that they were supposed to play hard for a natural rival (listen up, Pirates fans!  The Dodgers and Braves need you to win this one!  Hey Oakland player in the outfield- you'd better hustle! The Yankees and Red Sox are counting on you!

Well, that was a crap idea that (thankfully) ended up in the dustbin.  This new one, introduced in 2022 but not noticed until a few days ago, is almost as bad; deciding a winner based on a mini home-run derby.  Whatever, you might say.  The game has gone back to having no meaning (as G-d intended) so who cares?

Here's the big problem:  The ranting morons who comment on baseball for a living love the concept of ties being decided with Home Run Contests.  I heard one yesterday say that he's "all for" adding this idea to the REGULAR SEASON, apparently because the disgustingly stupid automatic runner on second in extras isn't quite awful and insulting to the game already.  We are literally one Commissioner Decision away from eliminating extra innings - with all of their drama- altogether in exchange for glorified batting practice.  

I will give full disclosure here:  I actually like the pitch clock and restrictions on batters leaving the box; it's sped up the game, made it more watchable and enjoyable, and opened it up to a larger audience of casual viewers who don't want to invest 4 hours.  I get it and I approve.  The automatic runner on second is an abomination which allows a team to win with two sacrifice flies and I'm sorry, that's stupid.  But if baseball is so determined to shorten games that it's going to end ties with home run derbies maybe it's time to just close up shop now.  And please, MLB yakkers, stop promoting this idea like it's the greatest ever; when you do that, you're just admitting that you were never actual fans of the game you are paid to talk about, just witless gushers love home runs and nothing else about the greatest sport ever.   You disgust me, but you are welcome to be bored when the ball is not leaving the park.  Let's preserve what is left of the game's integrity before it turns into hockey.  PLEASE.  

Popeye's? Yeah no.

 

I could have gone my whole life without once seeing a woman have a freaking orgasm in her car over disgusting greasy fried chicken, thank you very much.  I mean, if you've set up your phone to let the world know that you are even eating this stuff from the driver's seat, you are going out of your way to advertise what a pathetic, desperate-for-attention loser you are in the first place.  Adding little moans of bliss while consuming oily bird parts adds nothing to my life and not only do I wish you'd stop, I really really wish you had never started.  Just gross.

On the Road Again!

 

For about five years in a row, Hersheypark was the go-to-on-the-way-back-from-DC-place for myself and my niece.  She would celebrate the end of another school year by visiting me in the Washington area and we would hit up all the museums, the zoo, take in a game at Camden Yards, and maybe catch a movie (the last one we saw was the Jurassic Park film that came out in 2018, I can't remember what it's called because they are all interchangeable now.)

Then she had kids, and the visits South came to an end.  Instead I visited Pompeii, Ireland and Sicily before heading to Vermont for a summer of landscaping, swimming and wandering the beaches of New England. 

Now we've decided that the children are old enough to start their own adventures in and around the Nation's Capital, so this morning we are all packing up and heading to Maryland for a week.  We'll do All the Things, including catching a game in Baltimore, before returning home via Hershey a week from today.  I'll enjoy Hershey Park especially, as long as it's ok that I just hold stuff while the others ride the rides; I'm not a rollercoaster person.  The "Welcome to the World of Chocolate" ride at the visitor's center is wild enough for me. :>)

Please wish us safe travels and enjoy the archives while I'm gone!

The guy in this Taco Bell Commercial votes. Explains a lot, doesn't it?

 

Having long ago fried his last brain cell, and wasted his youth, consuming ultra-processed fat and sugar  until his entire life is spent in a dull carbohydrate coma- a sort of waking nightmare, if you will- this guy is now going to wander around pondering the mystery of chicken in a taco.  Past generations split the atom and harnessed the power of the sun, and there are still people out there creating actual value for society.  This guy is going to stare at a pile of warm garbage in his hand and try to remember a time when he was able to solve complex problems and make plans beyond "use Uber Eats to order Taco Bell"- you know, before his cognition when all to hell, short-circuited by nutrient-free sludge delivered in a bag with a bell on it. 

I just wish he wouldn't vote.  Stop voting, idiot.  Or if you insist on voting, start voting for candidates who want to rein in the price of healthcare.  You'll benefit, believe me. 

Stuff this, Dominos!

 

So it turns out that it wasn't hard at all to find a few people willing to admit not really caring about the particular brand of warm, bland carbohydrates they last fell asleep eating in front of the television while contemplating the wreck that had become of their lives. 

Turns out that if they are told it was Dominos, well, then, sure, what the hell, it was Dominos, who cares?  And when they are told "PSYCH! It wasn't Dominos!  It was some other brand of life-shortening tasteless garbage with extra nutrient-free dairy product jammed into the middle of pasty white dough, but it wasn't Dominos!" the response is generally "oh really.  That's not at all interesting.  I really don't care.  Is this a national campaign?  How many times am I gonna be on TV?"

All of these people are putting in minimal energy to project surprise, and all of them are failing miserably.  Because come on, if they are regular consumers of delivery stuffed-crust pizza, their energy levels are in the tank right next to their will to live.  By the way, what happened to that weird fat creep who seemed to live exclusively on Pizza Hut products last football season?  Did he die?  He died, didn't he?