I could have gone my whole life without once seeing a woman have a freaking orgasm in her car over disgusting greasy fried chicken, thank you very much. I mean, if you've set up your phone to let the world know that you are even eating this stuff from the driver's seat, you are going out of your way to advertise what a pathetic, desperate-for-attention loser you are in the first place. Adding little moans of bliss while consuming oily bird parts adds nothing to my life and not only do I wish you'd stop, I really really wish you had never started. Just gross.
For about five years in a row, Hersheypark was the go-to-on-the-way-back-from-DC-place for myself and my niece. She would celebrate the end of another school year by visiting me in the Washington area and we would hit up all the museums, the zoo, take in a game at Camden Yards, and maybe catch a movie (the last one we saw was the Jurassic Park film that came out in 2018, I can't remember what it's called because they are all interchangeable now.)
Then she had kids, and the visits South came to an end. Instead I visited Pompeii, Ireland and Sicily before heading to Vermont for a summer of landscaping, swimming and wandering the beaches of New England.
Now we've decided that the children are old enough to start their own adventures in and around the Nation's Capital, so this morning we are all packing up and heading to Maryland for a week. We'll do All the Things, including catching a game in Baltimore, before returning home via Hershey a week from today. I'll enjoy Hershey Park especially, as long as it's ok that I just hold stuff while the others ride the rides; I'm not a rollercoaster person. The "Welcome to the World of Chocolate" ride at the visitor's center is wild enough for me. :>)
Please wish us safe travels and enjoy the archives while I'm gone!
Having long ago fried his last brain cell, and wasted his youth, consuming ultra-processed fat and sugar until his entire life is spent in a dull carbohydrate coma- a sort of waking nightmare, if you will- this guy is now going to wander around pondering the mystery of chicken in a taco. Past generations split the atom and harnessed the power of the sun, and there are still people out there creating actual value for society. This guy is going to stare at a pile of warm garbage in his hand and try to remember a time when he was able to solve complex problems and make plans beyond "use Uber Eats to order Taco Bell"- you know, before his cognition when all to hell, short-circuited by nutrient-free sludge delivered in a bag with a bell on it.
I just wish he wouldn't vote. Stop voting, idiot. Or if you insist on voting, start voting for candidates who want to rein in the price of healthcare. You'll benefit, believe me.
So it turns out that it wasn't hard at all to find a few people willing to admit not really caring about the particular brand of warm, bland carbohydrates they last fell asleep eating in front of the television while contemplating the wreck that had become of their lives.
Turns out that if they are told it was Dominos, well, then, sure, what the hell, it was Dominos, who cares? And when they are told "PSYCH! It wasn't Dominos! It was some other brand of life-shortening tasteless garbage with extra nutrient-free dairy product jammed into the middle of pasty white dough, but it wasn't Dominos!" the response is generally "oh really. That's not at all interesting. I really don't care. Is this a national campaign? How many times am I gonna be on TV?"
All of these people are putting in minimal energy to project surprise, and all of them are failing miserably. Because come on, if they are regular consumers of delivery stuffed-crust pizza, their energy levels are in the tank right next to their will to live. By the way, what happened to that weird fat creep who seemed to live exclusively on Pizza Hut products last football season? Did he die? He died, didn't he?
