"Whatever's under this sheet, we can be sure of one thing: It's not a part covered by Car Shield, so no matter how much the owner paid, this is not a covered repair."
"Ok, let's take a look at it anyway. We have to wrap this up so we can get our paychecks before Car Shield has to deal with another Class Action Lawsuit."
(quick peek)
"Oh my god! It's our CAREERS!"
"Um, you didn't know they were dead already? What the hell do you think we're doing in commercials for a scam car warranty company? You think Ernie Hudson and Danika Patrick are A-listers too?"
"I don't know. Are we done now? I have to return a call from my agent, something about an audition with the Medicare Coverage Helpline."
First, there's the quaint notion of a $149-per-month lease deal. Remember when those were a thing? The only time in my life I ever leased a car, from 2006 to 2009, I paid $350 a month. And that was for a 2-door Civic Coupe. Sure, there was virtually nothing to pay on it when I took ownership at the end of the lease, but still.
Second, there's the idea that all of these people are instantly smitten with the idea of leasing a freaking KIA for multiple years. I'll admit that the only way I'd ever drive a KIA is through a lease deal, because these things are nothing but headaches and they depreciate in value faster than- well, faster than an ice cream cone melts in the sun.
Third, this ad works a lot better if it ends with all of these zombies just following that truck off a damn cliff. I can't think of any more accurate way to describe the feeling of actually being stuck making payments on a (still, at $149 a month and $2 k down) overpriced piece of junk like a KIA Soul. Better than spending three years regularly being reminded that you are going to pay $7400 to drive around in a pile of crap you will just give back in 36 months because even you aren't dumb enough to hand over another $10k for a car with a Kelly Blue Book Value of maybe half that at the end of the term. Unless you really are an April (and every other month of the year) Fool.
Is it just me, or is there actual NEGATIVE chemistry between this woman, the adult male and the child in this ad? No matter how many times I've seen this commercial all the way through, all I see is a strange woman who decided to show up at a baseball game and latch herself to a noticeably single man and his son for the duration of the day.
I'm serious. This woman does NOT interact with the kid like she knows anything about him, but is trying very hard to cosplay (or audition for the role of) being his Mom. If possible, there is even less warmth between her and the guy. It looks for all the world like the guy and his son are just being polite to this sad woman who showed up at a ball game all by herself and decided to start hanging out with them- near the concessions, in the stands....maybe all the way out to the parking lot after the game...until finally dad- who had his finger on the Emergency Button of his phone for the walk from the bleachers to the car- was able to get his son buckled and himself in the car with the door locked before giving Crazy Woman a quick "well nice meeting you bye" and leaving the lot at the Fastest Speed Allowed by Decency and Safety Standards.
On the way home, Dad and Son have an awkward laugh about the experience and discuss whether Mom should be told about it when Dad drops Son off at Mom's house before 6 PM tonight, as stipulated by the court. And they agree that if Crazy Woman Shows up at the next game, Dad politely announces that he and the child will be Sitting Over There Now No Do Not Follow Us.
I get it. I've been through two colonoscopies. They are not pleasant experiences. I mean, the actual process is barely an experience at all. The prep is what is pretty much the opposite of pleasant.
Still, it's covered by health insurance and it's hard to exaggerate how important it is. That being said, I am plenty sick of these commercials featuring obviously well-off people with plenty of time on their hands being so damn comfortable cutting corners on a test that could literally add years to your life if it results in early detection.
You just know the target audience for Colon Guard are the same people who will think nothing of binge-watching Netflix or binge-scrolling Tiktok or dropping hundreds of dollars on a concert or trip to a local amusement park for the family.....but when it comes to doing a freaking cancer screening, NOW you're concerned about the cost in time and money? Please.
I bet you can get a deep discount on slightly-damaged parachutes, too. What the hell is going on here? When it's time for a colonoscopy GET IT DONE IN A SPECIALIST'S OFFICE YOU RIDICULOUS KNOBS. What's next, do-it-yourself dentistry? Wait...what? That's an actual thing too?
and I'm sure not sleeping like the way I did before
I think it's aaaaaaaaaaaaallergies
I hate these aaaaaaaaaaaalergies
these commercials make it look like magic's in the air
instead of pollen, grass and don't forget all that nasty old pet hair
I hate my aaaaaaaaaaaaaaalergies
G-d- these aaaaaaaaaaaaaalergies
Well it's not magic, you can't just pop one and then go about your day
the symptoms will continue till you think you'll go insane
because they're aaaaaaaaaalergies
we all hate aaaaaaaaaaaaaalergies
Ok, that's enough of that.
It's bad enough that all of these ads- for Claritin, Allegra, Benadryl, Nyquil, Dayquil, etc. all pitch the idea that you are one dose away from being completely free of symptoms and ready to tackle the world- or play with a puppy, though for the life of me I can't understand why anyone would want to do either. Here in the real world, medication is sold in multi-dose packages because it takes days of treatment to feel any relief at all. And if you're going to roll around on the grass and stick your nose into a damn puppy's fur, there's probably not enough dosage out there to really save you from yourself anyway. At least when I got my severe attack last weekend it was because it was 80 degrees and sunny and I took a walk. I didn't lick any trees or shove grass clippings up my nose, daring an immune response. Christ what is it with these people? We don't see people on insulin celebrating having their blood sugar under control by consuming entire sheet cakes. Why do we see allergy sufferers rolling around in pollen snorting puppies? Stupid. At least as stupid as my "song."
1. I can see why this woman wants to eat her cereal in the massive living room of her massive house and not the kitchen. But why did she bring the box in with her?
2. More, why did she bring a brand-new, unopened box in with her when there's already cereal in her bowl?
3. I get that the dialogue is supposed to (however clunkily) connect to the song, but who the hell "talks to their heart" about cereal? Is she "talking" to her heart by providing her body "heart-healthy" nutrients? I suppose, but if that's the case, I think the message she's sending is "I really care for you, heart, but not enough to avoid sugar and eat an actual breakfast that isn't basically candy."
4. Other than her heart, who is she talking to? The box? Oh my god- the bee? Does she actually see that bee? Come to think of it, does she actually hear that music? Or is she just a lunatic eating a toddler's breakfast and doing a weird sitting dance from her couch?
5. "We are powerful?" Who is "we?" Oh my god- she DOES see that bee. Her next lines- when she stops having a mild fit on the couch- are "we ARE sane, and we do NOT need to sign those Power of Attorney papers, and the kids do NOT have to see to our financial affairs."
I am a fan of the New England Patriots, the Boston Red Sox, the Maryland Terrapins, and the Catholic University Cardinals. All that being said, neither I nor anybody in my family would take offense if the fan of an opposing team showed up wearing the colors of that team.*
The people in this ad act like members of a cult, and the first thought that crossed my mind when watching it was why didn't the girl warn her boyfriend in advance that her entire family were a bunch of intolerant loons who had taken a blood pledge to a college in North Carolina? My second thought was, why didn't Allstate go all out and push the envelope, portraying
....the reaction of a Sunni family to the boyfriend showing up wearing a yarmulke? Or
....the reaction of a Jehovah's Witness family to the boyfriend showing up with a birthday cake? Or
....the reaction to a Sane, Tolerant family to the boyfriend showing up wearing a MAGA hat?
But I keep going back to my original question: Did the girlfriend not know that her boyfriend went to Duke? Wouldn't that come up in a conversation at some point? Is this a Montague-Capulet deal? Why was the guy blindsided like this?
Also, isn't the No-Longer-Potential-Life-Partner-Because-He-Went-To-The-Wrong-School-in-NC far better off? I thought the families in the Dr. Pepper Fansville commercials were nuts. Oh wait- is this a crossover?
*Unless they show up wearing a Yankees cap. I mean, we all have limits.
I mean, it does such a great job aping the Lexus December to Remember ads that it could pass as a Saturday Night Live skit. As in, "Look- here's a sort-of kind-of if-you-squint-and-ignore-pretty-much
-everything, this looks like a Lexus no really."
And I'm almost glad that I live in a universe where people who aren't hedge fund managers can aspire to own a car that at least pretends to provide a...um...."luxury" experience. All you have to do is sign here and spend the next four years pretending that isn't a KIA logo on the front chrome and the steering wheel (again, squint really hard and MAYBE you can make it look like it's a Lexus.) Just put a red ribbon on it and stick it in the driveway and hope beyond hope that when the significant other you bought it for looks at it, the scene doesn't turn into a replay of George Costanza's gifting of a cashmere sweater. As in "oh it's beautiful, it's gorgeous, how could you possibly afford.....ewww, what's that? A KIA logo? Ooooh....well....it's still beautiful, really, I mean, thanks very much....um....you got the warranty, right?"
...so my take on it will match it's imaginative energy, if not the energy of it's main character.
Seriously, though- I've never in my life been as excited about anything as much as this guy is at the prospect of eating a mid-priced steak dinner at a chain restaurant. After being turned down for a job, yet. This guy should have been hired for his enthusiasm alone, except that if he's this fixated on Yet Another Night at Outback I doubt he's got a lot left for whatever the job is.
That's all I've got, except that I continue to be impressed at how over-the-top the reaction to going to Outback is for this guy. Imagine if he won a gift card to Ruth's Chris. I think he'd explode.
First, is the second woman at this table such an addict that the connection between her brain and her muscles simply fails if her blood sugar drops below a certain level? She looks as though she has no idea what she did with that glass or why she did it. I would be thinking epilepsy, not "let's get you another quick sugar fix." Does her friend carry candy around in her purse specifically for occasions like this?
Second, the woman who just had what I'll charitably refer to as an "episode" needs something other than a sugar hit. She needs a roll of absorbent paper towels so she can clean up her mess. Because, you know, it's her responsibility and if she walks out without at least offering she ought to be banned from the place.
Third...seriously, Mars? We're still doing this "you're not yourself when you're hungry" bit? It's almost twenty years old now. And it never made any sense. Sugar doesn't satisfy hunger. It stimulates it- besides leading to a lot of other health issues that DON'T result from a balanced diet. And I don't see how this commercial sells your product anyway. Personality-changing addiction is funny? Since when?
So the question is "Why does Special K have 10 grams of protein?" Followed by several shots of an old woman who needs energy and thinks that getting it from a bowl of soggy pencil shavings makes more sense than from eggs (which have six ounces of protein EACH.)
I have a better question. Why does a 19-ounce box of Special K cost almost $9? If you get your protein from eggs, you are paying about 4 cents per gram. If you get it from Special K, it will cost you about 20 cents per gram. And that doesn't include the milk you kind of have to consume along with the Special K but aren't necessary to serve along with the eggs.
I'm just sayin'....if are going to eat Special K because you like Special K, that's fine. But don't tell me you're spending that kind of money on cereal because you figure you need the protein. If it's all about the protein, eat an egg or two. This isn't rocket science.
This is one of those ads that throws so much insulting Stupid at the viewer that it's hard to decide what to focus on. A lot of the commentators are fixated on the idea of betting on Jesus rising from the dead- and the comment section has predictably become a silly debate over who wins that Not-A-Bet-Don't-Call-It-A-Bet. Being an adult in the 21st century, I have zero interest in wading into that fetid swamp.
As a student of history, I was more taken by the image of Paul Revere warning "the British are coming" while riding through what looks to be a burning city. Like, what the actual hell? If the British were responsible for those flames, wouldn't the people in the town have gotten the hint way before Revere showed up? This looks like a guy running through the streets of Pompeii while lava flows down and smoking rocks are crashing everywhere yelling "Vesuvius is Erupting!" No S--t, Sherlock.
What does this have in common with Jesus's rising from the dead? Well, neither happened. Ok, I went there. But just for a moment.
What REALLY interests me is labeling Kalshi for what it is- an online Bucket Shop. In the 19th century, the Bucket Shops were open-street "markets" where people could bet (excuse me, "take futures in") whether particular stocks would go up or down. They didn't involve the actual purchase of stock any more than current betting apps involve buying shares in sports teams. Exactly like Kalshi, they didn't involve the transfer of actual product at all. In 1906 the Supreme Court closed down the Bucket Shops by declaring them to be engaged in illegal gambling.
Kalshi is no different. It's a Bucket Shop you don't have to sneak out to in disguise to avoid being spotted and judged by your friends. But in every other respect, it's gambling on steroids. "Future Markets." Give me a break.
There's just something so off-putting about watching people with garbage credit (usually caused by failure to make timely payments or overutilization of existing credit) celebrate being given the opportunity to go more heavily into debt. In reality, kicking the can down the road, accepting money at ruinous interest rates is nothing to be proud of, let alone happy about. But these people act like robbing Peter to pay Paul is akin to winning the damn lottery. What a sad display- and an even worse commentary on the state of the American Economy.
1. Is it a requirement for employment at this pool-playground-resort that you are afflicted nasty skin and are on Skyrizi?
2. The woman working at the ice cream stand is way too happy with her crummy job. She must be the resort owner or something. I've never been that happy doing anything in my entire life. Handing ice cream to kids and waiting tables sure wouldn't do it for me.
3. Those kids don't want to have a conversation with you. Just give them their damn ice cream.
4. Is this woman the only employee? Who is preparing ice cream when she's carrying whatever the hell that stuff is to a table? Why does she think she has time to chat with the customers? Someone is waiting at the counter to order ice cream. What the actual hell is going on here?
5. Why isn't this woman wearing sunglasses? Sure seems bright out, and she seems to be engaged in a constant squint.
6. Is the guy really trying to teach kids how to swim? He doesn't know how to. Why aren't the kids wearing goggles? He wears goggles when he swims underwater. Why did he just jump into the pool right next to them, splashing chlorine into their eyes, when you KNOW there are "No Jumping" signs all over the place?
It's basically AfterPay for Rent, except that I'm pretty sure that AfterPay for Rent already existed. It's in line with proposals for 50-year mortgages and the ever-lengthening car note (which will average 7 years in 2026, up from 5 two years ago and 3 twenty years ago...)
And how does this even help? If your rent is $1000 a month (you must be renting that room Patrick Swayze lived in outside of Jasper, Missouri in Road House) and you can split it into two payments of $500 every two weeks...what does this do, exactly? You still need $1000 a month. Who has $500 every two weeks but not $1000 a month. Oh, right- people who are absolutely horrible at managing money. Like "if my rent is not due for 28 days, I'm going to spend that money before I can write a check to the landlord." This app is created for people who know they are stupid children with money who cannot be depended on to pay their predictable, scheduled bills despite having predictable, scheduled paydays.
I'd love to see the correlation between people who use this- um- "service" and the people who use one of those apps that "pay" (lend you) your salary by the day because budgeting between paychecks is suddenly Too Difficult Because Reasons, Probably Because of those Boomers Who Ruined Everything. I bet it's really high. What odds can I get, DraftKings?
Gotta love how the woman at the center of this ad is supposed to be helping to clean up a beach, but instead is more focused on picking up a single tin can and then just standing there as if she's just conquered the freaking universe. I think her photograph must be in the encyclopedia under "Performative Activism."
And then, to put the perfect period on the day, we see her eating lunch out of some truck diner using a plastic cup and plastic straw. Yeah, she's super into the environment, bro. Get her a medal to go along with that halo.
Jeep is still trying to get some mileage (no pun intended) from the dim memory of it being a uniquely American product known for it's reliability and toughness. Never mind that the brand has been owned by Stellantis- a Dutch company- for more than a decade now and nobody who knows anything about cars thinks that anything carrying the Jeep brand built after 2016 is worth anywhere near the sticker price.
Not sure why Stellantis thought it was a good idea to show it's latest garbage falling apart while traveling at high speeds, but I'll give points for accuracy, anyway. Current Jeep owners will certainly recognize the parts in the exploded view- it's what they see scattered on the garage floor at their mechanic on a regular basis.
1. Why does everyone in these Goldfish Cracker Commercials act so awkward and nervous? It's like they KNOW they look stupid. But it's all so cringe. First we had the guy and girl repeatedly bumping hands because no one could be bothered to find a damn bowl. Now this. Whatever this is.
2. Why are there Goldfish Cracker Commercials at all? Who the hell doesn't already know about the existence of these things?
3. How is any of this supposed to make me want to eat Goldfish Crackers? Especially if they aren't the whole grain ones. The only Goldfish Crackers worth eating are the whole grain ones. All of this is just so stupid.
I get that grandma wants to see granddaughter in the recital and thanks to this medication- and a front-row seat- she gets to do that. But there's something really off about this ad. Several somethings, in fact.
Grandma is staring at the stage with a frozen smile on her face that has me half-convinced that she's just enjoying the experience of being out of the Assisted Living Home for a few hours and isn't at all sure what she's watching. Is the medication helping grandma see the performance better, or does it just prevent blinking?
Is granddaughter really coming down from the stage to hand grandma a battery-powered nightlight shaped like a star and a hug, or is this just happening in grandma's imagination? I kind of think the latter, because it seems like every other person in the audience would be a parent or grandparent and would be wondering what the star treatment (I didn't mean that to be a pun) is all about. If it's all just grandma's imagination, doesn't that mean that she's just wandered off into her own fantasy world again and nothing she's dreaming up in her own head requires eye medication?
Come to think of it, maybe Eylea has nothing to do with eyes. Maybe it's just an hallucinogen made for the elderly promoted by adult children and grandchildren to get old people to stop asking for so much attention. Baby Tiffany never calls or visits? Put a few drops of this stuff in your eyes and the next thing you know, you'll "see" Tiffany dancing on stage and even stepping down to pay homage in the form of glowing stars. That good enough for you, grandma?
The only thing consistent about my Fitbit's "fitness tracker" feature is it's almost comical inconsistency.
Saturday: "You've been maintaining fitness and your readiness is moderate. Aim for 10-34 zone minutes."
I work out on Saturday and exceed the recommendations.
Sunday: "You've been maintaining fitness and your readiness is high. Aim for 20-75 zone minutes."
I take a long walk and spend most of the day at the gym.
Monday: "You've really been pushing it lately and are in danger of overtraining. Schedule some time for recovery to avoid injury. Aim for 1-18 zone minutes."
I take a long walk, hit the gym, and go way above requirements.
Tuesday: "You have been maintaining fitness and your readiness is moderate. Aim for 20-56 zone minutes."
I take a break from exercise though as usual hit my step goal.
Wednesday: "You have been maintaining fitness. Aim for 40-80 zone minutes to get back on track." WTF?
I hit the gym and go way above recommendations.
Thursday: "Schedule some time for Recovery. Aim for 1-10 zone minutes to prevent injury."
I get my steps in and hit 14 zone minutes.
Friday: "You are at risk of undertraining and your readiness is High. Aim for 40-99 zone minutes."
What. the Actual. F?
Add to this the fact that every few days I can do an hour on the treadmill, get 10,000 steps in, and record ZERO zone minutes, and I'm convinced that I should stop reading the Daily Goal paragraph on my Fitbit and just look at the step tracker. That seems to be pretty accurate. Maybe the sleep score too. But I'm done with the Daily Goal nonsense; that feature was clearly programmed by the same people who brought us the Magic 8 Ball method of making decisions.
(Quick Update: Yesterday I hit 229 zone minutes and a cardio load of 155 (target was 90-125.) So what does Fitbit say this morning? "You've been at risk of undertraining recently...." and my cardio load target is 145-194. I guarantee that if I reach that goal, tomorrow it will tell me that I'm in danger of overtraining. This thing is an absolute JOKE.)
These things already contain fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, potatoes, and gravy. Make the bowl a little larger and KFC could add gummy bears, cigarettes, whiskey, and a gambling app and make this the perfect Grab and Go for people in a hurry to destroy their lives.
"Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl." I wish I had thought of that. And yes, 2 AM in your own apartment is the only proper time and place to consume this Most American Meal Ever.
I've kept a portable air compressor in the trunk of my car for well over a decade. I got my niece one for her car. We've used them to fill tires, basketballs, footballs, floatation devices- anything that needs air.
Which is why the people in these ads absolutely astonish me. They come off as skeptical that such a device is possible without slight of hand or magic and in the real world it must be a scam of some kind. A portable air compressor that you charge at home every once in a while and then keep in your car to deal with low tire situations?* What's next, a mini version of a vacuum for your car? A mounting device for a cell phone on the dashboard? What kind of bizarre Utopia are we living in these days?
Seriously, though. I don't know if this thing works well- the reviews on YouTube are not promising- but you can buy them off the shelf at your local Home Depot or (probably) Walmart. This is not new if you haven't been living under a rock for the past many, many years. Why are these idiots acting as if they are watching a wizard at work?
*I do object to the depiction of a completely flat tire; if it has a puncture, all the compressed air in the world isn't going to help you for what I hope are obvious reasons. For that you'll need another Very Available, Very Portable product called a Fix-a-Flat- though personally I'd rather just call AAA and have them switch it out with my spare.**
**actual spare, not the worthless donut the insultingly cheap dealerships stick you with these days. $25,000 on average for a base-model new car and they can't include an actual extra tire....but that's a rant for another time.
I'm so disturbed that there's even something called the Mobile Game Industry...
Turns out that these ubiquitous "free" games (actually the same game tweaked and relabeled to con the losers who fall down these time-and-money-wasting tunnels to nowhere) are all about dopamine hits mixed with just enough frustration to convince users to purchase upgrades and just enough advertisement to make it profitable even if 100 percent of the people who download don't become absolutely obsessed with this life-draining nonsense.
Never mind Jimmy Kimmel, who like Shakira and Lebron just ask "how high" when told by their corporate masters to jump as long as those masters are waving fistfuls of money they don't really need and don't know what to do with in their faces. Let's note every commercial that does not include an actual celebrity- they all show seemingly normal people doing normal things (preparing meals in the kitchen, having a backyard barbecue, etc.) being fascinated by what looks to a Boomer like me to be Candy Crush with Royalty. And effortlessly recruiting their spouses and friends to join in the "fun" by offering a mere glance at their phones.
How empty are their lives that this looks absolutely irresistible after three seconds? I'd be asking when it became perfectly normal to do everything with one hand and fifty percent of your brain tied behind your back. Maybe I should have mentioned that all the people shown engaged in this junk are legal adults. Legal adults who if they are so easily sucked into investing time and money into this bleak empty garbage are almost certainly also going down the road of economic destruction through equally "fun" gambling apps as well.
Can we bring actual hobbies back? How about actual quality time with fellow humans? Time not spent staring at a screen and engaging in "activities" that suck money out of our wallets for a few moments of - well, I don't even know. Why is this fun again?
1. Apparently it's not about raising money for a good cause. It's a major competition that only one of these very competitive little girls can win, and both are determined to be the Champion Number One Whatever. The cookies are just the means by which a Champion can be Crowned.
2. The moment we gained access to digital payment options, handling actual currency became incredibly awkward, virtually impossible. Because I grew up handling cash and I can't remember it being this big a deal to transfer paper from one hand to another or even to (gasp) make change.
3. Yeah, digital payments are totally flawless and would never accidentally duplicate themselves. I don't know why every transaction isn't a worry-free tap of a phone, those NEVER go wrong.
4. You roll your eyes at me while I'm trying to help your cause, and I'm cancelling the sale and keeping my money. This little girl does it TWICE. What a great representative of her generation. Goodbye, little girl. I can buy cookies from anyone, including at the store, with cash, without the condescending, triggered annoyed looks. I'm sooooo sorry it's taking more than thirty seconds to finish this transaction, but please avoid this "problem" by skipping my house next year.
If Christmas is the Hallmark Channel's Superbowl, then the Superbowl is Advertising's Christmas. Somehow, the ads for the big game have become as big a story- maybe even a bigger story- than the sporting event it sponsors. NFL Network even has a "Best Superbowl Ads Ever" show.
Personally, I think the absolute worst thing about attending game parties is being unable to escape the ads and the inevitable conversations created by the ads. As the years have moved along, I've noticed that more and more the casual chitchat is reserved for the time the players are on the field and is halted during the commercials. I guess it was inevitable that a mere football game being played between two teams not supported by at least 90 percent of viewers would take a back seat to advertisements (not to mention an only slightly truncated concert tucked in between the 2nd and 3rd quarters.)
As it turns out, I won't be attending a Superbowl party for the first time since the Plague of 2020/21, which means I'll be watching with a remote in my hand ready to hit MUTE when the actual game is not on the screen. Hey, I'm a curmudgeon, remember?
Oh, I guess I should say a few things about this ad for everyone's favorite pile of junk, Jeep. Well, let's see...the premise is that we've got a little kid obsessed with silly purchase made by his father when dad was hung over and watching late-night TV back in the 80s (maybe it was grandpa?) The little kid's mom is pregnant for no reason (unless something else happens in the final ten seconds involving her, I don't know, I stopped watching after "I can see my wires" because by then it had crossed the line into Beaten To Death Joke and I was done.) We know for sure she's pregnant because she's got her arm resting on her stomach like All Pregnant Women in TV ads do.
For some reason the kid really, really wants to take an obvious piece of plastic to the river, and for some reason dad is willing to drive the kid and the stupid piece of plastic what seems like many, many miles to find a suitable river to put it in. All of this is in service of driving the family's much, much bigger dumb purchase, with it's panoramic sunroof and apparent ability to hit a pothole and get wet without needing servicing (is Jeep upping it's game?)
The kid puts the piece of plastic in the river and I guess it's a Magic Fish but not the good kind that grants wishes, just the kind that is grateful for five seconds and then accusatory when it finds out that freedom is not all it's cracked up to be. I have no idea why that bear continues to eat the fish when it's clear it's plastic. I have no idea why this stupid plastic fish has so many wires. I have no idea why the dad is trying to defend himself to it. It's a plastic fish that doesn't even grant wishes.
All I see here is the overindulgence of a creepy little boy who needs therapy and friends by a father who thinks that there's something environmentally sane about driving a brand-new piece of garbage to a remote area to toss a fifty-year old piece of garbage into a river.
What am I missing? Oh, don't bother- I'm sure I'll be told in the breakroom, or by several of my classes, tomorrow.
This one is uniquely nasty because we see a short-sleeved chef scratching his nasty dry itchy skin while preparing food- I mean, yuck. Where's the damn health inspector when you need her?
But the others all have one annoying thing in common- they all feature people who seem to have been given exciting, active lives, complete with expensive hobbies and holidays to exotic places, along with their Rinvoq prescriptions. If I get an Rx for this stuff will it come with a first-class ticket to a warm beach somewhere? Are the cool friends included or is that only with the Gold Plan on the health care network?
...but nothing about watching flabby future diabetes patients wax poetic about their love of the variety of bland starch available at your "restaurant"- pizza, cinnamon "bites," bread "buttons," etc.- makes me hungry for America's Favorite Carbohydrate Delivery System.
These people need Domino's like they need more screen time. They'd be far better off with a balanced diet and an exercise program- hey, THAT sounds like a "perfect combo" to me, but where's the money in that, right?
Turn heads! Get attention! Pay through the nose for endless repairs!
It's the return of the ICONIC JCW Mini-Cooper, the little car that allows you to "rule the road" between your house and the garage run by a mechanic you will definitely be on a first-name basis with!
Seriously- this is just so silly. The gimmick for these cars seems to be their impracticality; yes, what sane people see as a glitch is actually a feature. This car is ridiculously expensive for what you get, infamous in its unreliability, uncomfortable for anyone over 5'8" or so, etc. It's an uncomfortable money pit that screams "look how rich I am; I can even blow money on this. How much money? Actual big car money- like, $40,000- what you losers pay for cars with four doors and enough room for more than a bag of groceries in the back."
This is a mini compact car, almost a FIAT. Even a Mitsubishi Mirage had four doors, for chrissakes, and it's actually possible to drive a Mitsubishi more than a few hundred miles without paying out the nose for upkeep. What people will do to show they don't care about money. Unbelievable.
There's something almost adorable about KIA's attempt to sell it's latest pile of unreliable junk as a symbol of luxury, isn't there?
I'm trying to imagine any rich couple with the means of buying a luxury SUV actually choosing a KIA over the other options- Lexus, Audi, BMW- none of which are worth anything close to their price tags either but at least come with those popular logos. This thing has a base price of just under 40k with the model being shown on screen running closer to 60k. Why would anyone with that kind of money use it to buy a KIA?
The answer is, of course, that they would not. KIA wants to be in the Big Boys Club with the brands mentioned above- brands that get sales from stupid rich people because of the logo (it can't be because of reliability because there isn't any, not for ANY of these luxury brands. It can't be because they hold their value because they simply do NOT.) In this, KIA is exactly like Buick and is trying to achieve its goal in exactly the same way Buick is- with glossy paint and bells and whistles that have nothing to do with the simple ability to get from Point A to Point B and everything to do with turning the heads of people you don't know and who simply don't care. Sad.
Every once in a while, my little great-niece/goddaughter announces that she is going to put on a "show" and then proceeds to sing and dance and throw herself around the living room, stopping to give us time to applaud.
The little girl in this ad knows that she's in a family of inattentive television addicts who are so desperate for entertainment that they are watching figure skating, of all things. So if she wants an audience, she'd better go upstairs (or the basement, I'm not watching this again) and set up the 2000 or so stuffed animals she's been given by parents who think that material goods are a great substitute for actual Attention.
It turns out that this girl has adapted so well to being ignored by her alleged family that she's perfectly fine dancing in front of her toys instead of actual human beings, and has even convinced herself that they appreciate and love her- unlike those older people downstairs staring total strangers on the boob tube (who are engaged in figure skating. Again- figure skating. Not even the bobsled or luge or Alpine skiing. Not even short track skiing. Figure skating. Hell, it may even be Artistic Pairs or Ice Dance, though I am not willing to go that far because I don't want to slander these people.
But as I said- in my family, if my little great-niece saw this on tv and wanted to imitate it, she wouldn't retreat to a quiet part of the house to "skate" in front of stuffed animals. She'd do it in front of us, and she'd have our attention, because I like to think we aren't all disgusting distracted zombies so detached from our own lives that we'd rather watch...whatever the hell this event is that should end right now so we can get back to actual competitive, entertaining Olympic events like skiing and bobsled, as God Intended.
Actual message of this ad: "Don't worry about how much money you're losing, just keep gambling. There will be plenty of time to pick up the shattered pieces of your financial situation later. Only a loser keeps an eye on the wins and losses during the game. You don't want to be a loser, do you? Next thing you know, you'll be telling us you want to stop drinking just because you're drunk!"
When in the depths of destructive addiction, it is NOT the time to consider the damage that addiction is doing to your life. What would the people around you say if you stopped gambling? They'd probably call you a wimp. They certainly wouldn't respect you because you're acting like a Debby Downer instead of Sticking to the Plan, the Plan being- keep risking that paycheck for that dopamine hit because let's face it, watching sports is simply no fun unless you can bet on it.
The important thing is to JUST KEEP GAMBLING. You never count your losses when you're sittin' at the bar stool. There'll be time enough for countin' when the money's gone.
In this ad, Jacopo is doubling down- not happy with feeding an addiction to alcohol, he's going to push his patrons into satisfying their sad addiction to gambling as well. May I ask why? How does his bar benefit if people gamble while they drink and watch football? Oh, maybe it keeps them glued to the set longer, which means they consume more alcohol?
Meanwhile, definitely see no problem with the promoted combination of drinking and gambling. Yeah, those are two things that go GREAT together, like drinking and driving almost. For shame, Jacopo!
First, you've got the two twentysomethings who look like they are absolutely thrilled to be overworked, underpaid minions of a multi-billion-dollar company like it's freaking Microsoft back in the days when they had all those goofy extras at HQ. Just, no. There's no way Dominoes employees are anywhere close to this excited about simply working at Dominoes- but these clowns are promoting the crap out of the place like they are shareholders or something.
Second, yes- because I am who I am- I just have to address the, err, elephant in the room. The woman ordering Dominoes doesn't look like she has to be talked into treating herself. Perhaps the actual goal is to ruin her appetite? That would be a nice twist ending for this stupid dreck. Certainly better than the flat "can I please have my pizza" from a woman who kind of obviously came in to buy a pizza WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO TALK HER INTO BUYING A PIZZA YOU STUPID KNOBS?
1. Why did the people in this vehicle leave it to the driver to remember all of their orders? Why aren't they just giving them individually?
2. Given this guy's inability to articulate a full sentence, I'm not sure I would ride with him because I'm not sure I'd trust his ability to operate heavy machinery.
3. Anyone else think that the switch is all about getting a multimillionaire to pick up the whole tab?
And finally- to what I'm sure is a very nice guy in the comment section....please, if you are "on the floor" as a result of this commercial...well, I really hope that the next Administration takes the treatment of mental illness much more seriously. Good luck getting through the next three years, buddy.
There's nothing this overexposed hack won't do for a few extra bucks to add to the pile, I guess...
You see, it's FUNNY because it's Eli Manning and he's supposed to be a NERD and we KNOW he's
supposed to be a NERD because he's wearing glasses and an ugly sweater and hanging out with fellow unattractive NERDS doing NERD LOSER THINGS like being in BOOK CLUBS and we all know that book clubs are only for LOSERS. Cool people aren't in book clubs because cool people don't READ, they watch FOOTBALL and eat sliders made with King Hawaiian rolls because they are COOL.
The only thing missing here is the old book club celebrating their graduation to COOLNESS by burning those books while WATCHING TV LIKE A REAL AMERICAN. That would "sure beat the book club" and put an apostrophe on this "lighthearted" assault on intellectualism courtesy of King Hawaiian Rolls.
When I first heard the radio ad for this film, I thought it was an SNL skit: "Jason Statham plays an ex-agent forced out of retirement to protect his little girl..."
So....basically...Jason Statham plays Jason Statham in a Jason Statham film. Ex-agent forced out of retirement to protect an innocent person from bad guys? Can I assume he'll be beating up entire gangs of thugs with his bare hands, with at least a few slow-motion cuts, until finally confronting the Big Bad and killing (or, for a slight change of pace because he does do this sometimes) arresting him after beating him up too?
I mean, I get it: predictability can be very comforting. But man, it costs $25 these days to go to the movies, and they are usually available on some streaming service by the time you get back home with your unfinished bucket of corn (oh wait, I forgot the snacks; make that $50.) And speaking of buckets of corn....yeah, Jason Statham is technically an actor who clearly has a very lucrative career playing Jason Statham. But be honest, Statham fans- if I randomly popped one of his eighty films into a DVD player and started running it from twenty minutes in, could you name it with any level of confidence? I mean, with less than five guesses? I doubt it.
I don't want to knock anyone's hustle, but geeeeeesh. If you go to the theater with any doubt in your mind about how every single scene is going to play out, I kind of feel sorry for you. Actually, I think you're just in denial. Either way, enjoy the two servings of nutrition-free popcorn; the one in the bucket on your lap, and the one on the screen.
The radio version of this ad boasts of the "low franchise fee" of "only $20,000," adding the fatal words "you can put that on a credit card"- the tag line of every multi-level marketing "opportunity."
Let me explain something that you should already know if you really have the business skills to run a franchise: If your credit is so broken that you need to put a franchise fee on a credit card, you have no BUSINESS thinking that you can run a BUSINESS. The average interest rate for people with GOOD credit is 19.99%. You can't get a small business loan from your local bank or credit union but are ready to max out your credit card to start a business?
You think I'm going to trust you to sand my floors? I wouldn't even let you through the door. Once you're in, you'd probably refuse to leave until I agreed to join your Downline because Hey Selling Essential Oils to your Facebook Friends is a great way to generate Passive IncomeTM.
"Well, at Verizon you can bring in any bill..." stop right there with Non-sequitur theater, Karen. This isn't Verizon. Does it look like Verizon?
You can put that tv down now, buddy. It's not your burden to carry. Put it down and tell this idiot woman to leave the store and take her ancient heavy junk with her. Does this place LOOK like a Goodwill or recycling center?
"Not as cool as Verizon!" I bet he can live with that, as long as you say it while you leave and add that you're so put out that you'll never come back.
What the hell? This woman is leaving the minimum wage worker holding her heavy television as she leaves? Call the police. I think I've already implied that this is NOT a Goodwill or a recycling center. This is NOT WHERE YOU GET TO DUMP YOUR OLD ELECTRONICS, KAREN.
And after you call the police, call the local mental facility. I'm pretty sure that if they do a head count, they'll notice that one of their long-term residents is missing. Along with her television set.
First of all, there's zero relatable about a couple in their- what, late 20s?- thinking about things like Safaris and purchasing ranches in Montana. With horses.
Second, these people come off as almost unbearably superficial and casual about money. The guy is daydreaming about going on a Safari and even asks the JP Morgan guy if they can afford one. The JP Morgan guy says sure, it will just take some planning- but is practically interrupted by another thought: wait, no- how about if they want to purchase a ranch in Montana? With horses?
The JP Morgan guy, who if he's human is completely nauseated by the entitlement oozing out of these people by now, suggests that ok, we can look at "both those scenarios." If I were him, I'd wait a few minutes for one of them to suggest that what they really want to do is go on a year-long cruise or maybe take a ride with Space X. That's the level of maturity I'm hearing here.
Oh but wait, one of them mentions that maybe they'd like to start a family- a baby. Or babies. No, just one baby. Which tells me that these twats haven't spent more than a few minutes talking about their future in the past two years, assuming that they've even been together for two years. Safaris, ranches in Montana, maybe a baby or maybe two or maybe not...ugh, all these jagoffs have is money.
And since the title of the ad is "Honeymoon," it's fair to assume that they just got married. So they are having conversations about the future that people with two brain cells each usually have BEFORE the ceremony. Better late than never, I guess- but personally, I'm not in favor of children getting married in the first place. And let's face it- I don't care what the birthdates on the IDs say. These people are children. Rich children, but children. And one of the options they are considering is....spreading the dumb to the next generation.
This one will always hold a very special place in my heart, because happening upon it on YouTube back in late 2008 helped convince me to start this blog in the first place.
Thirty-five years later, I think it's safe to conclude that this insane woman is living in an Assisted Living Home and is never, ever visited by her children, who can't forget that Christmas where mom gave them all appointments to get their eyes checked instead of actual presents, and how they all "got to" pick out cheap ugly frames from the discount bin at America's favorite discount vision center. Almost as special as that day when Child Protective Services showed up and told mom that no, she could NOT wait until birthdays came around to surprise her kids with maintenance of their vaccine schedule. RFKjr was not yet in charge of that stuff, unfortunately for her.
So mom "went away" a while back and the kids have moved on, trying hard to keep her name out of the Thanksgiving Day conversations (Thanksgiving was always the day mom gifted them with an entire years' supply of vitamins, so it's always a bit touchy) and steering well clear of that Home We Put Her In Though She Doesn't Deserve Even That Much Consideration, the Crazy Nutter.
Why is this commercial so depressing? Let us count the ways:
1. It's stunningly overproduced. Think of how much time and expense and talent went into making this thing, and all of the actual beneficial things that could have been produced for society with even one-tenth of that effort. Instead we get...this.
2. Cher orders a time machine using Uber Eats? I don't get the joke. Is it that you can order almost anything with Uber Eats? If so, why is it called Uber Eats? Or is it that the Uber Eats app read Cher's order for thyme as an order for "time?" How thin can you stretch a premise before it snaps back and hits you in the face (more about faces in a moment?) Who orders thyme from Uber Eats? What the actual hell?
3. Uber Eats, Doordash, etc. are all horrible companies that do immeasurable damage to the environment while paying their employees as uninsured independent contractors. Why is Cher, who has a reputation as a prominent social liberal, promoting an exploitive company whose business model depends on gig workers and produces ungodly amounts of pollution?
4. Yes, I get the gag is the reference to "If I Could Turn Back Time." I don't care. The juice is not worth the squeeze. This is a six year old telling the same joke to everyone at the party multiple times.
5. No, Cher, you can't turn back time, no matter how often you get your face frozen with injections of Botox. Seriously, the creepiest and saddest thing about this ad is how expressionless your face is. Are you even CAPABLE of showing emotion anymore, or are those muscles permanently locked in place? Sonny Bono's face shows more range in his facial expressions and he's been dead for three decades.
I watch this ad and the only thought that comes to mind is "when on Earth did everyone in the United States become a shameless exhibitionist convinced that every other person in the United States was interested in their reaction to everything?"
In other words, did we just wake up one day and decide that whatever we were doing, whatever we were watching, whatever we were taking in at that moment needed to be captured on video and shared with the planet? And how did we convince others to go along with this intense level of narcissism? I mean, take a look at this ad- a lot of these videos are not individual efforts. Someone had to point the phone and watch the subject as he watched tv, or ran into another room, or did....something. Anything.
Why? What compels people to do this? Why is this interesting or entertaining to anyone?
Meanwhile- Chic-fil-e is good food. Too bad they are closed on Sundays, since my most common travel days are Sundays and Chic-fil-e exists on the Jersey Turnpike. Also too bad they are run by horrible sexist retrograde fundamentalist loons but again, it's good food.
So these three people are on a trip somewhere but a freak hailstorm results in a cracked windshield and shelter sought in a sleepy sports bar. Because they are driving one of those fancy new cars that won't operate if a windshield is cracked, they part about thirty yards from the sports car instead of in one of the many parking spaces near the front door and needlessly get drenched running inside.
They notice that a football game is being broadcast on the bar's television and instead of acting like sane people and calling AAA or SafeLite to arrange for the repair on their car, they instantly pulled out their phones, pulled up the BET MGM app and "put together a live parlay" because of course they did. Calling for assistance, having a drink at the bar, just having a conversation and enjoying the game- none of these even occurred to them, at least not until the opportunity to gamble on a whim was seized. I mean, look at them- they aren't even dried off. They haven even seated themselves. Priorities, people.
What a wonderful modern world we live in, where a quick, unplanned stop-over at a local bar turns into a chance to indulge in addictive behavior and the whole thing is sold to us as Fun because Capitalism Uber Alles in this awful, awful country. The fun punchline would be that by the time the repair guys do show up to fix the crack in the windshield, the owner's ability to make payments has been compromised by the "fun" had with the spontaneous decision to bet on a game because it's on a tv screen and it's possible to bet on it. Gross.
If the comments aren't just bots, I have to accept the idea that many, many people not only find Kevin Hart funny but also find it funny that Kevin Hart and LeBron James, two multi-millionaires, enjoy hanging out with each other and celebrating the joys of online gambling especially when they can get five dollars of free money to massage that burgeoning addiction with.
So I'm just going to say that the comments are bots. I'm also going to say that Kevin Hart's career is some kind of twisted joke being played on a worldwide audience. I will sleep better this way.
The only possible happy ending* for this ad is that the guy drones on so long about insurance that he forgets to pull the ripcord and he and the stupid CGI emu are just a flat damp spot in the parking lot. Leaving the fans to continue to enjoy the game without being interrupted by a g-d damn commercial they could have stayed home to watch on their televisions and leaving absolutely nothing of value lost.
And no, I am not even going to mention the comment section this time. The people who enjoy this played-to-death schlock....well, they vote. Obviously.
(By the way, the most famous guy to ever actually parachute into a sporting event ended up being pulled into the crowd and nearly beaten to death before being rescued by police officers. Remember? It was during the Riddick Bowe-Evander Holyfield rematch back in 1993. That could happen and count as a happy ending to this ad, too.)
The couple in this ad used to have a cool tradition- they'd get together and have a game night, playing simple board games while probably having nice conversations, basically using the game as nothing more than the foundation for the evening, the prop that makes the evening happen.
But one day the guy got severely addicted to an expensive, gambling-adjacent, brain cell-destroying smart phone game and decided that playing that game was all that mattered- so much so that none of the board games he and the girl used to play are not only unnecessary, but actually offensive to his eyes and must cease to contaminate Game Night.
After all, Royal Kingdom is sponsored by all the usual suspects- LeBron James, Kevin Hart, Jimmy Fallon- who have no other incentive other than to pitch us another way to lose our money. So it MUST be fun and certainly a better investment in time than silly board games and the conversations they encourage.
In real life, it would be nice to believe that the girl is deeply offended and saddened at the idea of replacing board game night with the two of them sitting in separate chairs staring at their individual phones playing another stupid game that literally vacuums money out of their pockets as they "progress." She might as what the point of him even coming over to her house if they aren't going to interact in any way beyond her answering the door and letting him in (oh wait, she doesn't even have to do that.) Because it's 2025, she's hooked after three seconds of looking at a screen because oh look it's got blinking lights so it's Uber Entertaining. Man I'm glad I'm old.
And on this sad note, we begin 2025. I am not optimistic.
