Macy's: Another Company that really, really needs to read the room this December

 

So this woman walked into Macy's with a list of all the people she "has" to buy presents for, including her college roommate and her dog walker.  

I'd like to know who is getting that ridiculous coffeemaker (those Breville Espresso machines run anywhere from $699 to over $2000.)   Or one of those cashmere sweaters, which Macy's claims usually run at $150 and up but are currently on sale for about $75.  (I'd really like the person who gets the coffeemaker and the person who gets the sweater to receive them at the same holiday party.)   I couldn't see what brand those watches are but a quick trip to the Macy's website informs me that their watches run anywhere from $150 to over $1000.  

Bottom Line:  This woman is apparently willing to drop what to real people living in Current Timeline is a ridiculous amount of money on gifts for three people.  I think it's safe to assume that she also has family, and maybe a husband and kids, who will also be looking for stuff under the tree from her.  Making this Macy's ad as tone-deaf and unrelatable as any Lexus December to Remember ad.   I mean, come on.  This is ridiculous. 

Two Questions concerning this iPhone Christmas Commercial

 

1.  How tone-deaf does Apple have to be to be pimping thousand-dollar iPhones as perfectly reasonable Christmas gifts "for the whole family?"  I don't give a damn if it's got "excellent cameras" whatever the hell that means.  For the vast majority of Americans, the only way to get one of these things is to strain their credit limits (again) or sign up for a ruinous-in-slow-motion "monthly plan" that will have them deciding between Medication and Food before the tree gets dragged out to the curb.

2.  I know who Jeff Bridges is.  But am I really supposed to know this Zoe person?  May I ask why?  And may I ask how she's connected to Mr. Bridges to the point where they appear to be living in a group home in some of these ads?  Am I just too old for this, or what?

Noise Pollution, brought to you by NFL Pass and a guy who forgot how much things cost years ago

 

Jason Kelce is currently working under a 3-year contract to bloviate on ESPN.  That contract pays him an estimated $8 million per year to do not much of anything at all while sitting in a studio wearing a suit (sometimes.)  His total career earnings in the NFL is estimated at between $81 million and $88 million. 

Oh, and his brother is engaged to a woman with an estimated net worth of $1.6 billion.  

Don't try to convince me that he gives a flying damn how much he's saving on NFL Pass, please.  Let alone that he's so excited about the savings that he can't stop screaming about it.   This is right up there with watching David Ortiz and Kevin Hart flip out about getting free "parlays" through their "favorite" online gambling apps.  Just stop this.  Read the room, and STOP THIS.

For this weird Grammarly AI Commercial, the Jokes Write Themselves....

 

It's like a buffet of punchlines that leaves you standing there paralyzed with indecision, with no idea how to start.  

"I'm a Art History Major, and this essay is due on Friday...."

Girl, your "professor" doesn't care about the essay.  She knows you're just going to punt it over to ChatGBT.  After all, if you were serious about creating something of value- or even surviving financially in the America of the 21st century- you wouldn't be the Very Last Person on the Planet on an academic path to earn a degree in Art History.  Seriously, I didn't even know that was a thing anymore.  IS it still a thing?  Or is it just the most face-palm subject the writers of this commercial could think of to assign this doofus stereotype of a college student.

So anyway, the Ridiculously Out of Touch Star of our Commercial can't string three coherent sentences together and punts the job over to Grammarly AI, figuring that its a new system and maybe if her teacher is over thirty she probably doesn't know about it yet but is regrettably aware of ChatGBT.  Maybe she figures that for at least a semester or so said teacher will remain unaware of the program that will allow her to run this plagiarized essay that no one wants to write or read and will never provide any actual value to anyone pass muster with the school and she'll get that passing grade that will allow her to continue her pointless path to a worthless degree.

(Yes, I'm aware that was a run-on sentence.  I'm not running it through an AI filter to "clean it up" though because I'm not a base, lazy hypocrite.)

I'll wrap this up by shaking my head at our "student" here, going tens of thousands of dollars into debt to take classes that will lead her nowhere and using AI to do her homework in the process.  Maybe she's got the money to waste, but what about the time?  She's never getting that back.  Maybe she's a trust fund baby who likes Art History and will be driving back home for the holidays in the Lexus Mommy and Daddy got her to make Christmas 2023 a December to Remember?  There's got to be a good back story like that here, or the epilogue is going to be really, really sad.  

"Art History Major." SMH, as the cool kids text.

The Weird Message of Every Febreze Commercial

 

"Your home is your happy place.  You'd think that would mean that you'd like to keep it clean-- I mean, keeping it clean also keeps it free of vermin and germs and all that nasty stuff.

But if, as it turns out, all you are really concerned with is the surface appearance of your house and how it smells, you can use this thing which believe it or not has a microchip to dispense chemical scents into the air and mask the filthy squalor that secretly defines your, um, 'happy place.'"

I agree with several YouTube commentators:  Poor Dog.  Poor kid, too.  Keep your damn house clean, you lazy jagoffs.

A note on the Second-Year Anniversary of this crappy Nissan Rogue Ad

 

I'd like to congratulate the people out there who bought the hype back in 2023 and purchased the fully-loaded Nissan Rogue offered in this ad.  In case you don't remember- and I bet you do, because you're still being reminded once a month when the bill arrives- this thing set you back $38,000 plus interest.  But you got a cool car out of it, didn't you (I mean, to the extent that "Nissan" and "cool car" can exist in the same sentence, of course?)

Well, I hope you are still having fun in that Nissan, because you sure as hell aren't trading it in for an upgrade, because your car- with under 10,000 miles on the odometer, yet- is available right now for exactly half what you paid for it two years ago. Yep.  $19,000 gets you a Nissan Rogue with very low miles.  

Don't tell me you still owe more than that on your stupid impulse purchase triggered by a dumb commercial that convinced you that you'd feel like a secret agent (who are well known for driving around in NISSAN PRODUCTS) than it's worth on the current market?  Ohhhhh.....awkward.  Sorry.  I take back my congratulations and exchange them for condolences.  

But seriously.  A Nissan.  Come on.

Two Easy changes makes this "Thrillionaire" Online Gambling Commercial perfect

 

1.  Change "thrillionaires" to "Lemmings."

2.  Instead of showing them riding through a gate, have them riding off a cliff instead.  Much more accurate. 

And be honest- the reason why there's a vacant seat for someone to jump on to.  The guy who used to be in that seat has un-alived himself after losing his savings, his house, and his family to this brutal addiction we are currently referring to as a "thrill" Because Capitalism.

An alternative for the people in that NFL Network "Delayed Flight" ad

 

Or you could, I don't know...watch the game on one of the many screens at one of the many bars that decorate every single gate at every airport in the United States?  Just a thought.  And while we're at it, here's another couple of thoughts:  Are there more than half a dozen people waiting to board this plane?  And are all of them really more interested in a regular-season NFL game than in getting to their destination?  'Cause I'm not buying it. 

A few thoughts concerning that Allstate "Check First Bark" Commercial

 

1.  Yeah, being a cheap, obvious, blatant suck-up in front of your fellow coworkers is probably not a great idea.  That, and this guy's incredibly punchable face, is probably the reason why his cubicle is set well apart from everyone else's.

2.  Know what else you probably shouldn't be doing while at work?  Obsessively checking your insurance rates on the company's computer (and the company's time.)  You got a job here, buddy?  Maybe you should be doing that?

3.  Kudos to the boss for giving the mentally challenged a chance to become more financially independent with a job at her company, but she might have gone a bit too far when she hired this grinning  jackass.   He's either having an Episode during meetings or he's putzing around on his computer staring at insurance quotes.  I mean, there are limits and this is a business, right?

4.  The comments on this video....just, stop.  These have to be bots.  They just HAVE to be.

Is "Manning" just Latin for "Nepotism?"

 

Here's a quick multiple-choice quiz for you:

Which of the following statements BEST describes Archie Manning?

A.  He's a star NFL Quarterback popular enough to earn endorsement money through TV commercials

B.  He's a star College Football Quarterback currently contending for the Heisman Trophy

C.  He has at least a 5% chance of being in the College Football Championship Game in January

D.  None of the Above

If you answered "D," congratulations, you win!  And if you answered "D," you almost certainly know the name Archie Manning because he's a member of the already-ubiquitous-on-tv commercials Manning family.  And that the ONLY reason he's in a commercial for ANYTHING is because he's his dad's son. 

And if you were confused by this commercial because you thought that college athletes were students and not professionals and weren't really supposed to have endorsement deals until they turned pro, well, you must be about as old as I am.  Aren't we quaint?

The Unintended Joke of that "He Got Money" Hyundai Ad

 

So there is so very little going on in the lives of these clucking chickens that they find themselves quietly raving about how someone in their family "has money" and the evidence is that they have a refrigerator full of eggs and we all know how expensive eggs are am I right or am I right Expensive Egg Jokes Never Get Old.

I'm pretty sure that the actual intended message is "because this is an EV, you'll save so much money on gas, you'll have money left over to buy other stuff, like eggs which remember are really, really expensive."  

But when I first saw this ad, all I could think was "they must have cash to burn because they just bought a ridiculously unreliable Hyundai Crapmobile that will be in the shop before that load of eggs from Costco needs to be replenished." I used to have the same reaction whenever I saw a Dodge Charger, Jeep, or any FIAT product on the road.  That was before I realized how severely stupid people are when it comes to buying cars and how far dealerships desperate to move merchandise are willing to stretch out payments in order to con idiots into thinking they can afford them.  Hyundai Tuscan Hybrids start at just under $50k.   You can get a 2-year old version with less than 6000 miles on the odometer near me for $29k.  That's almost 50% in depreciation.  And let's keep in mind- this is a Hyundai.

"He got money."  And he'll need it.  Too bad he don't got sense. 

Those Wacky Aliens are at it Again!

 

From the same extra-terrestrials who came from beyond the stars to bring us overpriced bleach in a spray bottle (and here we were hoping for world peace or at least personal flying tech) we now have overpriced liquid rubber spray.  

So when you get done bleaching your mold for the low low cost of roughly 10 times more than you could have paid if you just used brand-x bleach from the dollar store, you can start sealing every crack in your house- and turning screens into windows for some reason- for roughly 10 ties more than you could have paid if you just used brand-x liquid rubber spray.  Seems to me that's a pretty big markup to have the word ALIEN added to the can (and to wait until it's shipped to your home instead of making that trip down to the Dollar Store, Hardware Store or local Home Depot,) but I guess those interstellar journeys don't pay for themselves.

The Thing from Planet Clorox

 

Or "how I marketed Bleach as 'Alien Technology,' put it in a spray bottle, and sold it for roughly 10 times what it's value is at the local Giant grocery store."  

I must have missed the History Channel episode where the Aliens took time off from building the pyramids to provide the ancient Egyptians with the secrets of removing unsightly mold stains.  Finally, a Lost Art that is actually useful.  I mean, I don't know about you, but I've never had the slightest interest in moving 3-ton rock slabs or cutting crystal skulls.  Getting rid of mold, though?  Hey, I'm here for that. 

Capital One, Jennifer Garner, and another failure to read the damn room

 

Capital One is not going to let SNAP benefits being frozen- leading to hunger for tens of millions of Americans, including children- Section 8 Housing being threatened, or Affordable Care Act guarantees being placed on the chopping block stop them from making commercials featuring the insufferably perky Jennifer Garner* and the caption "Americans love to travel...."

Because I guess people who have Capital One credit cards simply fly* above the problems of the unwashed masses, don't they?  Especially when they use those cards to manage "organic farm" companies or just dish with friends at airport lounges over tall glasses of white wine.  Heck, finally getting into that business class seat is probably a disappointment after those big puffy lounge chairs in the exclusive airport club; nothing another tall glass of white wine won't fix, though.

*Jennifer Garner might well have the most punchable face in commercial tv these days.  Seriously, Ms. Garner, get that perpetual smile off your cake hole already.  It's so twee and sugary it's spiking my insulin levels.  And blood pressure.

**Considering that flying itself is about to become another casualty of Shutdown 2025 (2025-26?) I guess Ms. Garner and her friends are going to enjoy those exclusive airport hangouts away from the rifraff even more in November.  The rest of us will be sitting on the floor at our gates or standing in line at Dunkin Donuts.  Don't worry, we won't harsh your buzz.  

My Fitbit New Year's Resolution is to stop paying attention to my Fitbit

 

The daily updates part, anyway...

I mean, come on.  If I work out every day for three or four days in a row, the App will tell me that I'm running the risk of overtraining, which is fine.  If I goof off or I'm sick and don't exercise for three or four days in a row, it tells me that I'm in danger of undertraining and should ramp it up a bit, again- that's fine.

But more often than not, the advice the app gives me doesn't sinc with reality, and is sometimes just plain contradictory.  Sometimes it tells me that I've really been pushing it, so my "readiness is high" and it gives me a very high cardio load target.  Sometimes it says that I've been "maintaining fitness" so I should reach a certain level "to get back on track."  Then there are the days that it tells me to "slow down and take it easy to avoid injury," only to follow up 24 hours later by chastising me for "undertraining."

The bottom line is, I think that Fitbit is pretty much the modern equivalent of one of those Magic 8 Balls we Boomers liked when we were little; fun, but totally random in the "advice" they give.  

So the first of my early New Years' Resolutions is to stop reading the daily "Readiness" report on my Fitbit and just stick to reaching my step and cardio goals.  Not that they are perfect, either- I can't tell you how many times I've spent 30 minutes on a treadmill, 15 minutes lifting weights, and and 15 minutes stretching only to be given zero or very few credit on the cardio goal.  Like, WTF, Fitbit?

Oh, and continue to stay off sugar.  That's important, too.  

So Jersey Mike's couldn't afford Peyton. Got it.

 

The whole "replacing a geriatric tv and (briefly) film star from the 1980s with the third-or-fourth most recognizable retired quarterback to sell our crap overpriced sandwiches" thing got stale faster than any of these sandwiches will, considering the level of preservatives they (not the film star or quarterback) are stuffed with.

That being said, the whole Manning thing in general has gotten just as old.  Whether it's Eli or his much more visible- dare I say ubiquitous- brother, seriously, haven't we had enough of this family already?  Judging from the college scoreboard, it will be awhile before a third Manning achieves the same level of media overload, though I certainly see that happening down the road.  Because for some reason, tv can't get enough of the Mannings.  

Personally, I wouldn't buy one of these sandwiches if it was being promoted by anyone because I know that in advertising a buck is a buck and I think Eli Manning eats Jersey Mike subs about as often as David Ortiz places bets on his iPhone or Pat Mahomes spends afternoons hanging out with his State Farm agent.  But someone explain to me how Danny DeVito sells anything.  Then explain to me the appeal of the Manning brothers.  I'll wait.