Get ready because here comes the email announcing that your unbelievably cushy job that in real life would have been given to some guy making a dollar an hour in Mumbai has been taken over by AI!
Seriously, this ad was retro when it originally came out and it's downright laughable now. Even at the time of it's release- I think around 2019- the idea of a young white woman in the United States being hired to handle basic "when's the system coming back on?" responses from customers was ludicrous. I posted at the time that this had to be the dimwitted daughter of one of the CEO's golfing buddies just trying to make some money to pay off student debt; it really was not believable that she'd be a new "member of the team" because what company in 2019 was still hiring native-born locals to do stuff like this? Long before 2019 mindless drone work like this had been farmed out to Call Centers in the emerging world. It wasn't being done by middle-class white people from the freaking burbs.
Hopefully, this girl got her act together and didn't count on this ridiculous gig to pay her bills for more than a few weeks (and hopefully, those people on the Sub-Continent have landed cushy jobs trying to scam elderly Americans into buying fake funeral insurance.) Because "work" like this is history and it's not ever going to be done by an actual human being, ever again; these jobs are now being handled by a an AI image and scriptbot even more limited in how it can respond than that guy with the thick Pakistani accent (or this girl) was.
Why are they trying to convince us that breathing in detergent residue will send us on an acid trip or, failing that, make doing our laundry the highlight of our week? No matter where these people are or what they are doing, everything stops so that they can enjoy the sensation of jamming their noses into their towels, bedsheets, etc. and reminding themselves of how very very much they appreciate the scent of their favorite batch of liquid chemicals.
There are other commercials where people seem to experience the same ascent into Nirvana when they slide into the front seat of their ridiculous LuxuryMobile and proceed to drive at high speed through cityscapes. Is detergent the Audi for the masses? Will Gain offer a discounted rate on their bottles of suds so the rest of us can have a December to Remember, just at the laundromat instead of the ski chalet?
Sports star sitting on a vast couch in the middle of a vast living room in what I assume is a vast suburban estate musing "life would sure be easier if...." Yeah, very relatable, State Farm.
Caitlin Clark wishes her sport could be easier. Here's the thing, though: Clark recently signed a four-year contract in the WNBA which will pay her an average of $78,000 per year. That's not a typo- she'll make seventy-eight thousand dollars a year playing in the WNBA. So whose massive house is she sitting in?
Well, unless it's just a sound stage, the answer is probably: Hers. You see, less than three-tenths of one percent of Clark's money actually comes from playing basketball. She has also signed an eight-year deal with Nike Shoes that will "earn" her $28 million over that period, and collects royalties for a signature Wilson basketball. In all, she makes an estimated $12-14 million PER YEAR and is set for life if she never plays another game. Her WNBA gig pays her just slightly more than I make teaching High School, but like most people, I need to pay all my expenses working one full-time job. This woman's "profession" opened up the doors to all those other opportunities, but it's a completely incidental line item in her current revenue stream. It would make a lot more sense if we saw her wishing that doing commercials was easier. It wouldn't be any more relatable, but it would make more sense.
The part that gets me about this ad for $6 pancake deals is the "every day" line. I get it- they just mean that the deal is available every day. They don't expect you to show up every day for pancakes, hash browns, side meats and butter, butter and more butter. But it IS 2025 after all- there are many, many people out there who hit Starbucks for coffee milkshakes every morning and Taco Bell every lunch break and whatever is a Special on Uber Eats for dinner, so now I kind of wonder- does IHOP want this to be an every day thing? I mean, it's a day's worth of calories for six dollars....
...a nightmare world/Twilight Zone Episode where everyone in a surface-level-upscale suburban community has filled their McMansions with IKEA and Dollar Store-Quality junk, probably because they spent all their money on more house than they can afford and the Lexus they are paying on at $999 a month, $3499 down, for the next seven years.
I can totally see this being a trend. After all, the neighbors see that flashy Entertainment Center/Overcompensation On Wheels sitting in your driveway. They rarely see what kind of furniture you have; they sure don't have time to inspect it beyond the superficial glance. If the lamp turns on, if the sofa doesn't collapse, if the coffee table can handle the load of your coffee cup without creaking- well, it must be excellent quality because come on, if you could swing that Lexus you'd spare no expense inside the house, right? The neighbors aren't going to detect the particleboard and they aren't going to lift the lamps and realize that for all their solid appearance their weight suggests thin plastic rather than ceramic. In short, the facade will probably hold up as long as they never look too closely- and as long as they stay fixated on that Lexus.
The other option is to buy a practical, 10-year old car and modest quality furniture on Facebook Marketplace (that's what I did, because I'm smart and I'm not out to impress anyone; good thing, too.) I mean, when the Lexus gets repossessed, or the neighbors over for cocktails (is that something people still do?) finally do notice that your house is furnished with fiberboard and Aaron's Selloff -level junk electronics- when the gild is finally peeled off- where will your reputation built on a house of cards be then?
I get that there's supposed to be a double meaning to "gut feeling" here- like, eating this ultra-produced garbage is supposed to be good for your gut while at the same time encouraging you to go with your spontaneous notion of doing something fun. Because I'm a curmudgeon, I have a few issues with this message:
1. There's nothing about this stuff that is good for your gut. It's Diabetes in a Bowl and should not be consumed by anyone who is more interested in their long-term health than their short-term satisfaction. Not a good choice for anyone who cares more about what's in their food than how pretty it looks in a bowl of milk (which no one should be drinking after the age of 6 or so anyway.)
2. The "gut feeling" that leads to a romp in the bouncy castle is called a "sugar rush" and yeah I guess it's a better way to use that quick energy spike than just continuing to sit on your ass watching that middle-aged pouch above your belt get bigger, but what do you do in ten minutes when the crash ends and you're hungry again (in many cases, hungrier than before you consumed that bowl of worthless carbohydrates and dairy your body hasn't needed since you were an infant?) Oh right, I know- either eat more sugar to keep that feeling going (but sugar isn't an addictive drug, so don't you dare suggest otherwise) or take a nap, at which time your body will store the unused energy as adipose tissue. Either way, you lose.
3. A couple of eggs and a piece of fruit (NOT JUICE) would have given you more energy and it would have lasted much longer, besides leaving you satiated for hours, not minutes. But it doesn't look or taste like candy so it's a hard pass, I guess. Again, though- sugar's not addictive. 🙄
If the Baptists and Calvinists are right, I will find this film playing in an endless loop in the Afterlife. I will be like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, being forced to consume this painful dreck as payment for all of my sins in this life.
How much do I hate this film? Let me count the ways....
Steve Martin plays the father of a spoiled rotten horror of a daughter who is pulverized by all around him for daring to object to her plans for a monstrously expensive ceremony that would have made the Romanovs blush in their heyday. Diane Keaton plays Diane Keaton, with the same hairstyle and lack of emotional range she showed in every film the appeared in for the better part of three decades, constantly assaulting us with a smile that would make any sane person want to smash her face in with an ice pick.
Martin is condemned by his daughter and wife for daring to even suggest that maybe, just maybe, $250 per plate is a ridiculous expense for what is essentially an afterparty for people who donated a day of their lives to watch people get married. He gets eyerolls and sighs from the people who will NOT be contributing a single dime to the expenses, especially when he suggests that the event planner and his assistant not be included on the guest list. BTW, $250 in 1991 is $661 today.
Unable to get any sympathy- or even the courtesy of a fair hearing- from his family, and being the most disgusting Simp I've ever seen on film, Martin's character goes off to the local grocery store, tears hot dog buns out of their packages because he "only needs" 12 buns to go with his pack of 12 hot dogs, and verbally assaults the minimum-wage workers who question his actions. This guy can't stand up to his ridiculous wife and daughter but he'll blow off steam to customer service people who don't live in huge mansions and don't have to worry about financing over-the-top weddings because they'll never have the bank account to even consider them. He gets arrested and is put into a jail cell, because that's definitely how the the police would handle petty vandalism/theft committed by a rich middle-aged white man in 1991.
When his wife shows up to bail him out, she makes him listen to a lecture first about how "we can afford this wedding" because they don't go to Europe and they don't have fancy cars. Time to apply the ice pick again. Lady, your husband is the only reasonable person in this entire film. It's not about being able to afford this over-the-top spectacle. It's about looking at a situation like a freaking adult and not bending over backwards to accommodate a spoiled, starry-eyed little girl and her enabler hey-it's-not-MY-money mother.
To top it all off, at the end of the film the bride and groom depart the ceremony without even saying goodbye to the Dad who ultimately caved in on every demand and dumped his wallet onto the table so his little girl could be Princess for a Day. I know she comes back and there's a happy ending (though, to my mind, the only happy here is that it Ends*) but long before that happens I don't care anymore because I'm sick of one of my favorite comedians being kicked around by the people who see him as a walking ATM and are annoyed that he opens his mouth to speak when he should just be writing checks. Just, gross.
And I never even got to discuss Martin Short's portrayal of what 1990s audiences figured a gay wedding planner (he's gay because he's male; we all know straight men can't be wedding planners, that would be Gay) would look like. So yeah, it's even slightly worse than I described.
*There's a sequel in which both wife and daughter are pregnant at the same time, which leads to more massive draining of Dad's bank account because Of Course It Does. Even Martin Short is back for some reason. I've never seen it and I never will- unless the endless loop movie in hell is a Double Feature.
"She started college last week, and already she's homesick..."
Well, yeah. Generally being homesick is an initial emotion when you go away to school or anywhere else for the first time. It tends to wear off after a while. So it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to point out that this girl is "already" homesick. This is still very new for her.
To alleviate homesickness, she wonders how she might make her* dorm room more "homey." So she asks Google and gets a bunch of great ideas on how to get into heavy credit card debt quickly rather than just giving herself time to get the f--k over it. Before you know it, she's got the place tripped out in what Google's AI has decided is Southwestern motif. How much did this cost? Who cares? Everyone keeps talking about how great the job market is for college graduates plus I hear there's this loan forgiveness program so no worries, right?
*Is that her roommate walking in at the end? Was she consulted before all this new stuff was ordered? Is she into Southwestern Decor? Or is this just a case of "hey, if you didn't want the place you live in completely redecorated without your input, you shouldn't have gone away for the weekend, especially when you know your roommate is a self-absorbed homebody?"
When I first saw this ad, without sound, I thought that one guy had walked in on a second guy attempting to provide emergency aid for a third guy suffering a heart attack. When I watched it to the end, I realized that it was for some toasted cheese, carbohydrate-and-fat-wrap. In other words, while I was wrong in my initial impression, I wasn't really THAT far off the mark. The guy on the floor might not be suffering a heart attack in this commercial, but let's be serious. If he really eats like this, it's only a matter of time.
And BTW, what the freaking hell is this house? Am I supposed to know who these people are? Are they famous sports figures, or actors, or even (gag) "influencers?" Never mind, don't care. If this is truly a slice of THEIR lives, they are not long for this world anyway. No point in getting to know them.
No, it certainly isn't. None of this. And none of it distracts from the fact that Uber Eats is an environment-wrecking, exploitative horror show of a business which abuses it's drivers, generates massive waste in paper, plastic and fossil fuel usage, and (no pun intended) feeds America's obesity epidemic by encouraging even LESS movement while also contributing to skyrocketing credit card debt with usury-level markups (it's never been easier to sit on your overfed ass and spend money you don't have on junk food you don't need- just open that app, swipe your finger across the screen, and in the blink of an eye you're down another $30 minimum for a meal that would cost half as much if you had picked it up on the way home from work.)
In my experience, only local dealerships make ads promoting used cars. But this ad isn't created by a local dealership; it was actually produced and paid for by Stellantis (a name you will not hear mentioned in any Jeep ad because car owners in the know associate Stellantis with quality as nutrition experts associate Taco Bell with healthy.)
This ad features several Jeep products that have been discontinued by the manufacturer, before the company became a billion-dollar hot potato. Jeep was originally an AMC product but was then purchased by Chrysler, which eventually dumped it on Stellantis. Today only one model is produced at the old plant in Toledo, Ohio. The others are made in- you guessed it- China.
The current Jeep Stellantis product allegedly being pitched in this ad in between cuts of older automobiles of much higher quality is not a Jeep at all, but an SUV. Which begs the question- if you are in the market for an SUV, why on Earth would you buy one from THIS company? On the other hand, actual Jeeps produced earlier in this century are available from used car lots for a fraction of the cost of this hideous, unreliable monstrosity trying to catch a free ride on the back of its predecessors.
Here are my two favorite comments concerning this ad, courtesy of YouTube:
"Comes with a Check Engine Light and a Backorder on Parts."
"Conclusions: 1) the Jeep became and SUV, and 2) hold on to your old models, as they will rise in value."
Bottom Line: The "Jeep" name may still Influence people to buy a pile of Chinese Crap that will be in the shop more often than their driveways, but that's nothing to be proud of because the current crop of vehicles being vomited out of Asia are buggy, badly-built money pits being pitched using nostalgia bait and nothing more. And don't forget- they are made by Stellantis and nobody thinks Stellantis is a reliable car maker.
1. It's pretty juvenile. I mean, do adults really need to be told that if they max out their credit cards, they make themselves poor credit risks and therefore lower their credit scores? Maybe the damage done by getting rid of their longest credit line is less mainstream knowledge, but come on.
2. While providing good (albeit very basic, No Duh) advice, it also feeds the audience a poisoned pill mixed in with the nutritious stuff- No, it is NOT a good idea to sign up for and use several credit cards instead of just one. That's actually really stupid, because it can lead to people masking their debt by spreading it over several different sources. It's also hypocritical, because this company- like every other credit-issuing company- will be quick to offer opportunities to consolidate debt into one card, as long as it's theirs.
3. In the end, there's only one reason to use credit cards beyond emergency situations, and that's to earn rewards points. I understand that rewards points are actually bad for people who don't hold credit cards because they raise prices for everyone while providing benefits for members only. I just don't care, because I'm a cardholder and especially because I'm a Boomer and everyone knows Boomers are all done caring about people who are not Them. Truth hurts.
"Is this self-parody, or are they really being serious here?"
I mean, the only thing we're missing in this repurposed Reagan '84 ad is someone eating a hot dog with one hand and apple pie with the other. This is not Everyday Commercial Cringe. It's what Skynet would create if asked to create Cringe. It's Cringe on an Epic Level.
Nobody in the comment section* thinks that this is a good ad. The only thing anyone wants to know is- is this for real? Is RAM trying to make us laugh, or making fun of us. or what?
*there's actually one person here who claims to love this ad "and America." But it has to be a bot. It just has to.
Quick Boomer Tip: Avoid companies that use words like "Patriot" or "Liberty" or "Freedom" in their names. Those are cheap marketing ploys designed to tweak a very smooth part of the brain that should never, ever be used in making purchasing decisions.
The "4Patriots" solar generator - proudly made in China, perhaps even in the same factory that makes Trump Watches and MAGA caps- has a ton of terrible reviews describing it as cheaply-made, unreliable, and overpriced. So it's not really "4Patriots"- it's for really shallow people who measure patriotism based on how many American flags they display and how many times they voted for a convicted felon/cult leader/Russian asset carnival barker. You know, people who are already in the dark in every other respect so won't mind being let down by a piece-of-junk-garbage generator if it's called "4Patriot." Just tell them they're owning the Libs.
I don't know what these two jackass multimillionaires are pretending to joke about, nor do I care. All that matters to me is that they are doing it in service of an addictive app that ruins marriages, finances, friendships, and lives. With great big smiles on their faces.
Because there's no such thing as Enough Money, I guess.
The actual content of this ad? Who cares? I don't gamble. The people I respect most in the world could not convince me to gamble. These guys are so far from the people I respect most in the world, they aren't even in the same universe. And they sure didn't gain any points when they decided to make this crap.
You guys are so damn enamored of your stupid electronic devices that your kids are totally free-range. In every scene, the kids are jumping around while their alleged "parents" are staring a phone, only getting attention when they seem to be on the verge of destroying another piece of conspicuous consumption.
Then, once the problem of untrained children jumping on furniture is "solved" with the purchase of a trampoline, the "parents" go right back to ignoring those kids- never mind that every single trampoline sold in the United States comes with a warning not to let children play on them without parental supervision. The "parents" are close enough to notice a seriously hurt child and are holding a device that can connect with emergency services so it's all good, I guess. I bet these wonderful people are even committed to glancing outside to "check" on the kids during moments the dopamine hits from the entertainment the phone is providing is interrupted.
I don't understand this mindset at all. Those children you chose to have are going to be children only for a moment. This is the time to revitalize your own youth, and build permanent emotional bonds, by engaging with your offspring. Instead, you choose to act like they are annoyances distracting you from the REAL joy of your life- a freaking phone. Your priorities are absolutely insane. Your kids are being denied real parents, and you are denying YOURSELVES the joy of experiencing your children's innocent youthful joy- for this?
Don't come to me complaining that your kids grew up too fast or, now that they are out of the house, never visit. You reap what you sow. Turn the damn phone off. Turn the damn tv off. Engage with your kids. Ok rant over.
I suppose that if the salesmen at Lincoln are going to dress like Euro Trash and carry themselves with the air of high-end jewelry dealers, the customers should show up wearing clothes you'd think would be reserved for dinners at high-end restaurants, so ok. And because it's 2025, there's no reason for the prospective customer to do anything other than sit in the car, lovingly stroke the steering wheel, and fantasize about actually owning it while appreciating the big screen and all the other bells and whistles that have nothing to do with safety ratings, fuel economy, or all that other stuff everyone used to be concerned with but now apparently nobody is.
The Lincoln Aviator- so-called, I assume, because it's only slightly smaller than a passenger plane- has a base-model MSRP price of $62000. The version featured in this ad runs closer to $70k. So no, I am not going to be getting one of these Summer Invitations. I'll manage.
That should be the final line of this ridiculously maudlin, overproduced ad for ridiculously overpriced, overproduced dead chicken parts.
Kentucky Fried Chicken was the brainchild of a guy who had a vision/dream of making tons of money selling, well, fried chicken to the masses. He worked very hard to get the spices just right and was "obsessed" (I guess, I mean I'm just using the tagline in this ad) with quality control because he was the face of the company after all. When I was a kid and I was treated maybe once a year or so to Kentucky Fried Chicken, I thought it was the best food in the whole world and I imagined that when I was a grownup and could eat whatever I wanted I would consume it all the time.
Thing is, KFC's decline in quality in the 21st century is a very well-known, off-repeated story. I haven't eaten it in at least twenty years, but from what I've heard the chicken is now blander (less fatty, less distinct in taste,) the sides are also dull, stores are notoriously lacking in cleanliness, and the overall value is really lacking. Yet the prices are extremely high (Kentucky Fried Chicken was ALWAYS an expensive choice for fast food, but when it was known for being tasty that was ok) for smaller, drier pieces that look nothing like the ones seen on TV.
Simply put, if all this guff about the Colonel is true, he'd probably be ashamed of what has become of his franchise. Unless KFC is going to pump billions of dollars into restoring the company to it's former glory, these ads are kind of a slap in the face. Who cares if Colonel Sanders was "obsessed" with quality? The guy has been dead since 1980, and the people who have been carrying out his "mission" dropped the ball decades ago and don't seem any more interested in bringing my childhood back than anyone else. Give me a break.
...and the even worse people who enjoy it (I mean, take a quick look at the comments. How predictable can you get? "My dog loves this ad," "This commercial reminds me of my dog," "my dog reacts to this ad and goes to check her own puppies," and on and on and on. Hand me a freaking barf bag.)
This is just super-cheap, super-manipulative Twee on a Stick. No actors are needed, so that saves money. Just put three dogs in a freaking car and run a camera for a few seconds and add music and images and there you are- a group of innocent, clueless animals have been used to sell a car-- by highlighting a ridiculously mundane feature. You can strap your kid into a car seat in the back of a 2004 Honda Civic, strap an iPad to the back of the passenger seat, and accomplish the same thing. You don't have to buy an overpriced Subaru for chrissakes.
And if this car is "Dog Approved," dogs should feel free to buy it. I mean, I was already sick of getting the opinions of babies and young children when it came to the purchase of a non-asset that depreciates in value the moment it leaves the lot and is a savage money vampire for as long as one owns it. I do NOT care if "dogs approve" of Subarus because NO DOG HAS EVER PURCHASED A SUBARU AND NO DOG EVER WILL, and if I ever buy a Subaru NO DOG WILL EVER HELP ME MAKE THE PAYMENTS.
So this morning I got this email from Planet Fitness: In "honor" of my birthday, here's a chance to pick up an overpriced pair of shorts from Fabletics for $10 instead of the Normal, Perfectly Sane price of $75. Remember, this is for a pair of shorts.
I can smell a scam from a mile away, but I go ahead and check out the "offer." Yep, I can pick out a pair of $75 shorts for only $10- but wait, there doesn't seem to be any limit to how many pairs I can order at that price. I put two random pairs into a virtual basket, check the total and- yep, it comes to $20 plus $6.95 shipping. Wow, $150 "worth" of shorts for $26.95, that doesn't seem sketchy at all.
I really want to see where the catch is so I go ahead and go to Billing- and there it is, in fine print you could easily miss (though admittedly does include a box you must click) under Terms and Conditions- you know, that thing people usually just skip over and DON'T read. Clicking the agreement signs you up to some kind of "club" that gives you "access" to regular 80 percent discounts on fitness swag. Once I join up, I'll have regular opportunities to buy reasonably-priced shorts, shirts, etc. that looks like a huge bargain because of the inflated, I-Bet-Nobody-Actually-Buys-It-At-These-prices.
The "membership" costs $59.95 a month. No kidding. Sixty bucks a month to have the opportunity to buy shorts and tees at a discount. Oh, but you can "skip" as many months as you want, as long as you go to the website, find the "skip" option, and click it before the 5th day of the month. Every month. Which means that there are a LOT of people out there who regularly forget to skip months and find themselves spending sixty bucks accidentally, no doubt encouraging them to go ahead and buy something at a discount so that it's not a total loss.
Yeah, hard pass, Planet Fitness. I don't care if you've partnered with Fabletics; my idea of a "birthday gift" is not to get locked into some ridiculous Buyer's Club. I have enough shorts, I have enough tees, but I don't have enough money to throw it away on this nonsense. I do have enough sense to read the fine print, though. Sorry not Sorry.
When you buy into the idea that the "Ultimate Casino Experience" involves staring at your phone in the dark as you play virtual video games and bet on sports, you have a very serious problem and you need professional help.
I thought the "Ultimate Casino Experience" might involve flying to Vegas, getting a room at a 4-star hotel, and having fun playing some blackjack and taking in a show. I didn't know it looked a lot like being a dateless addicted loser as obsessed with staring at your phone as any preteen at the mall, at the park, or....well, anywhere, actually.
Showing a bunch of people crowded around the phone or tablet doesn't convince me that online gambling is a social exercise, sorry. Gambling is a life-ruining addiction more pervasive in 2025 than meth or crack and if it hasn't overtaken alcohol it probably soon will considering how every sporting event is working overtime to get us hooked. I can't remember the last time I saw a baseball, football or basketball schedule that did not include betting lines, or the last time I watched a pregame or postgame show that was not sponsored by an online gambling company. I don't think it was more than a decade ago, but it feels like forever.
Remember those old H&R Block Commercials for what were deceptively referred to as "Rapid Refunds?" You know, where the tax preparer would give you a loan based on your expected tax return and you'd walk out of the office convinced that you'd made a good deal because you "got your money early? Because you're an idiot who didn't realize that you'd just handed over part of your refund to the tax preparer along with his fee?
Notice all those places offering Payday Loans? You know, where poor people go to borrow money at outrageous interest rates in order to tide them over until payday, pretty much assuring that they'll stay in debt permanently? It's basically my Exhibit A for every "it's expensive to be poor" lecture I give.
Well, it's the 21st century so now we've got Earnin, an app that seems to allow you to access your money as you earn it but which actually just fronts you money in exchange for a small fee tip. Because budgeting and living within your means and not spending money as it comes in is such a Boomer thing to do.
What you're not supposed to notice is that you are paying for the "convenience" of having money ahead of payday. This is absolutely NO different from Rapid Refunds or Payday Loans. It's just wrapped in an attractive package promising "freedom" and conning you into thinking you're just getting YOUR money as YOU earn it. It's the opposite of Responsible and the epitome of Stupid. Which is why it's so popular in this Very Stupid Country.
By the way, I don't think that these "services" are "preying" on anybody. Using them is a choice, and I'm not paternalistic enough to think that people should be shielded from making stupid choices. I don't want anyone telling me what to do with my money, so I have no desire to tell people what to do with theirs. I just don't want to hear the inevitable whining when this all comes crashing down. Made, Bed, Lie and all that. I mean, I AM a Boomer, after all.
1. This guy just plows through a lawn I guess, jumps out and announces "I'm the director." I guess he's late? I guess there are no parking lots here?
2. Wait, he's not a director, he just has a small part in a movie about soccer? He's playing a referee who doesn't know anything about the sport, but he has at least one line he can't get right on the first take? I'm sorry but what the hell is going on here?
3. The actual director doesn't care because he's too busy drooling over the guy's Volkswagen. Personally, I'd be more interested in why this nobody parked his car there, but this is a commercial for Volkswagen so of course the focus is on the allegedly awesome, allegedly expensive-looking car. Thing is, nobody in the history of anything has ever been this impressed by a freaking Volkswagen, so this ad fails again.
4. "How much are we paying this guy" to show up late and flub a line? Um, too much. But we are supposed to believe that we hear the line because the Volkswagen looks like a luxury car that must carry a luxury price tag. Dude, it's a Volkswagen. I looked it up- apparently it's named "Tiguan" because that's a combination of the German words for leopard and iguana. I hope that's true, because the only thing that can make this commercial more unintentionally funny is the idea that a group of people in an office building in Berlin called it a day after coming up with this. There's not giving a f--k, and then there's "let's just combine leopard and iguana, we aren't curing cancer here."
There is little on TV or radio more cringe than commercials for MediShare, the "Christian Community" that claims to offer "Biblically-based" (gag) "help" in paying medical bills.
There is so much of this that just reeks of Cult thinking and hatred of the "outsider." Medishare's "community" consists of people who apparently think that there's something un-Biblical about actual health insurance (do they feel the same way about car insurance? Are they literally "Jesus take the wheel" types?) No doubt they shy away from insurance because they don't want to participate in a system that may pay for certain procedures they find offensive- you know, the ones that involve Evil Evil very non-Biblical Family Planning. So we have this blonde woman who sounds like her head is full of cotton candy and mythology bleating about how Medishare helps her and her family avoid the risk of funding medical care they disapprove of by pooling their cash into a very exclusive fund for Like-Minded Bigots who also bleat "Christian Values" and "Biblical" with sing-song voices and empty smiles.
I'd also like to know what hospitals and doctor's offices think of Medishare. I've never seen it listed among the actual insurance companies that work with the dentists, doctors, and physical therapists I've dealt with over the years. I strongly suspect that people who rely on Medishare are required to pay for services out-of-pocket and then request reimbursement from their Jesus-Endorsed Pastor Says So not-Insurance's automated menu.
Here's what I don't get about this woman in particular. If she really cares about "Christian Values," why is she trying to teach her audience about anything? I'm a male; I should not be taking instruction from this or any other woman. Why isn't her husband doing the talking here? He needs to apply the rod while the rest of us begin to gather up stones. It's Biblical, after all.
That's the actual tagline of the radio commercials- "It's Elvis week at Graceland!"
1. Isn't this like scheduling Red Sox Week at Fenway Park or Pope Week in Vatican City? Does McDonald's have a Hamburger Week? Does Hersheypark have a Chocolate Week? I mean, what the hell?
2. What are the other 51 weeks at Graceland about if they aren't about Elvis? Are other Rock 'n Roll Stars celebrated in those weeks? What exactly is going on here?
I mean, there's no indication that food is in any way involved in what I just saw.
This creepy adolescent member of this creepy family is literally playing with whatever he chose from America's Favorite Grease Trough. Oh wait a minute, he's not even playing with one of HIS selections- he took a piece of pig fat from dad's plate and is using it to perform some kind of....um...."magic" trick. I know it's supposed to be a magic trick because Awful Enabling Mom says it is.
Maybe that baby back rib is on the floor. It's probably on the floor. It's wasteful and stupid to treat calories like this, but the kid doesn't care and the parents don't care and probably the staff that reloads the Feed Bins don't care either because they stopped caring about anything a long time ago (it's a necessary defense mechanism for anyone who works at Golden Corral, America's Favorite WTF-Ever.)
1. I don't know what the guy in this ad does for a living, but he makes a very good salary because flight attendants don't make much and come on, look at that house. Are they just Friends with Benefits? Then why is he washing her clothes? Is that one of the benefits?
2. Let's pretend this is her house. She can afford a suburban palace, but she has only one work shirt? Aren't those provided by the airlines anyway? Stewards can have painfully long shifts; I would be surprised if they didn't carry spare shirts ON THE PLANE in case of emergencies. But she's panicking because she has to wear yesterday's shirt again?
3. If the shirt is still clean because it was washed in Downy, why didn't she have this reaction to its smell the FIRST time she wore it? Does it smell BETTER after an entire day's wearing than when it first comes out of the dryer? What the hell is going on here?
4. In an age where people are getting fired for making Tiktoks while being inappropriate while on the job, I'm not sure what she does next lands very well. Girl, what the hell are you doing? When you wear that shirt, you represent the people who sign your paychecks. Can you try to remember this before you act like you're making an OnlyFans at your place of employment?
The commenters on this ad get it right, especially the one that suggests the guy should NOT drink that coffee before checking it for arsenic. I'd go one better and have a mechanic come over to check the breaks on his car, too, because this woman is a Black Widow in the making.
Her "horrible dream" doesn't involve being left without a husband and her child being left without a dad. It's them being left without enough money to maintain the lifestyle he provides. It was a "nightmare" because dad's unbelievable selfishness in getting himself killed in a car accident before signing up for life insurance left her actually having to go back into the work force to pay for all the stuff he currently pays for. Did she wake up upset about losing her husband? No, she woke up upset about the sudden upending of her financial situation.
Fortunately, Dad is pretty clueless and not really listening- or has become numb or really good at filtering what his scheming, gold-digging, Machiavellian wife says to him, and quickly buys into the idea that he should buy a lot of life insurance.* Why a relatively young, apparently healthy man would buy from a company that offers insurance without any medical examination I can't explain; it's pretty much the same as a person with an 800 credit score, money in the bank and credit cards getting his tv and furniture from Rent-A-Center, but whatever. Dad now knows that his wife will sleep peacefully at night, knowing that if he's in a terrible accident- the brakes fail, or he falls down a well with no witnesses around, or he mistakes mysteriously tasteless rat poison for creamer, there are so many ways a person can Accidentally Die which do not violate the conditions of a life insurance policy, after all- his wife and kid can continue to live in that big house and drive the Lexus SUV he got them for Christmas last year and not worry about bills. If they need physical labor done around the house, Ralph the neighbor across the way whose wife died in a tragic taco-eating accident last year is always available to help out, he's so friendly and nice and come to think of it, he works for Ethos Life man it's a small world.
If you find yourself driving away from a dealership in a new car worried that you've somehow pulled a fast one on that dealership that will get you in trouble with the law, I have some news for you:
1. The salesman played you like a fiddle and you haven't read the fine print.
2. You are an absolute moron who probably thinks that scratch off tickets and online gambling are good, affordable fun.
3. (closely associated with #1,) you have no idea how much you paid compared to how much that Rapidly Depreciating non-Asset is actually worth.
4. The most charitable thing I can say about you is that you are an actor in a Hyundai Commercial and you are being paid to pretend to be ridiculously enthusiastic about your purchase of a freaking Hyundai.
And if you AREN'T an actor in a Hyundai Commercial, well....I really don't know what else to tell you except, no, you have not Beaten the House at the dealership. Knowing nothing about the "deal" you made, I know with absolute certainty that you paid too much, not too little, and the dealership is not wondering how on Earth you got the better of them because that did not happen and has never happened in the history of Anything. You don't have to hide out anywhere. Nobody is coming after you. That won't happen until you fail to make payments at some point in the next 72 months of the contract and the repo man is hunting for that Hyundai at the behest of the dealership or the bank. THEN you'll be needing the use of your mom's garage to hide it. Moron.
"Hi, I'm Alex Trebek, and I wasn't satisfied with being a world-famous multi-millionaire cultural icon as a Senior Citizen. I decided to adopt the philosophy 'there's no such thing as enough money' and decided to sign on with Colonial Penn to scam Senior Citizens afraid of burdening their loved ones with burial costs into parting with some of their fixed income and buy nonsense garbage 'life insurance.'"
Now that Trebek is dead, his grift has been taken over by other aging celebrities who are trusted faces to the television-addicted, mostly lower-middle-class Over-65 crowd. These cretins show up hundreds of times a day in cheap commercials mainly broadcast during the daylight hours when only Seniors and small children are watching to stoke the fires of anxiety among the elderly who for some reason are concerned about what happens when they die and the kids who never visit get stuck with a bill. Maybe they are afraid that their ridiculously expensive, selfish burial requests won't be honored and the kids will cremate them or the very most pay for a less-pompous Memorial to their Mediocre Lives than the elderly person asked for, as if it matters one tinker's damn what the stone above the corpse box looks like.
So the elderly person who regularly complains that their Social Security payments are too low decides to splurge on $9.95 a month to buy Colonial Penn Life Insurance. This will teach the kids to stop complaining about the weekly scratch-off purchase, as it's an even worse investment than the lottery. $9.95 buys one "Unit" of insurance, which if purchased at the age of 50 (and NOBODY buys Colonial Penn life insurance at the age of fifty, come on) will pay off a whopping $1600 when the idiot passes away. Just about covering the cost of the cold cuts, soft drinks and coffee served at the Wake.
Maybe. That's assuming that Colonial Penn even pays out before the funeral and burial. Chances are excellent that you'll still be filling out forms and calling automated voice menus long after grandma has been placed under her Very Disappointing Dead Person Buried Here Sign Made out of Stone. If the beneficiaries followed instructions, that tiny amount of money will HELP pay the bills still coming in for the Opposite of Birthday Party. If the beneficiaries had more common sense than consideration for the wishes of a person who is no longer here to complain and literally has no way of knowing or caring what became of their (hopefully mostly harvested) organs, the check from Colonial Penn makes a significant dent in the debt accrued by the passing of the insured.
In the long run, the much better option is to just stick $10 a month into a regular interest-bearing account every month and skip the Colonial Penn Middlemen. If you do this at the age of 60 and live to the age of 81 like the average American Woman (and these commercials heavily target women,) you'll have over $2500 to leave to the person you designate to handle your funeral (you know, the child you like the least.) If you opt for cremation like a sensible person, and I'll really take your "I don't want to be a burden" claims seriously.
1. There are only two possible reasons why Webull would be the Official Financial Advisors (or something, I'm not watching this again) of the Tampa Bay Rays. First, Webull could be too small to attract sponsorship from a good ballclub. Second, all of the other teams already get financial advice from companies people outside the Tampa area have actually heard of.
2. There's an ad running during Rays games showing every big moment celebrated by the team in it's 27-year existence. It's about 20 seconds long.
I suppose a "classic" American Boardwalk must include the following ingredients: At least several dozen places to get ice cream, pizza, French fries, and hot dogs, at least one arcade which includes video came consuls from the 1980s, at least a dozen places to buy trademark-violating custom-print t-shirts,* and at least at least a dozen or so tiny convenience stores selling candy, chips, soda, cigarettes and beach toys, chairs and umbrellas at ridiculous markups. It's also important that the "classic" American Boardwalk include at least several restaurants and bars featuring outdoor patio seating and a karaoke-quality steel drum band (dealing out daily doses of Margaritaville and Sweet Caroline.)
Hampton Beach has all this stuff in spades, so yeah it qualifies as a Classic American Boardwalk. And for maybe the 40th summer in a row it's where I'll be the last week of July, so no updates here until next weekend. Enjoy the archives and please, if it's not too much trouble, click on an ad from time to time!
*If it's a Presidential Election Year, the t-shirt shops are dominated by Conservative/Republican crap; since 2016, appealing heavily to the MAGA cult crowd. New Hampshire may be a (barely) blue state, but the clientele at Hampton Beach is largely redneck and predominately Stupid. Still like the beach, though.
The narrator keeps saying "checkers." Except for the checkers-like pieces, playing this game is nothing like playing checkers. It's Tic Tac Toe.
"Pretty sneaky sis" after having to have sis's win explained to him doesn't give me much hope for the future for this boy. I hope he turned out ok, but jeeeeeeeeessssh kid.....
Today this blog went past the 4 million view mark. Only took fifteen and a half years!
1. I suppose it's conceivable that way back in the halcyon days of 2007 it was still considered an ok idea for a girl to have a guy she doesn't know show up at her front door to take her on a blind date instead of meeting him in a public place with transportation to and from that public place arranged in advance, but I kind of doubt it. Maybe it helps that both the guy and the girl in this ad (and the video quality) suggests that the guy and girl are living in the 1980s, but YouTube tells me this is from 2007. Maybe it was just posted in 2007 and the commercial actually dates to the 1980s? It certainly has that vibe. In any case, this is a bad idea in the 1980s, 2000s and today. Don't do this, lady.
2. The guy immediately lays down the law- he's not spending any more than ($30 if this is set in 2007, $15 if it's set in the 1980s) on this date, and if this girl can't deal, she should just close the door on his face right now. I'm 100 percent in favor of her closing the door on his face right now, because in either fifty or 17 years unless he grows some confidence and has that chip surgically removed from his shoulder he's not going to be showing up at the doors of unfamiliar girls unless all the girls he actually knows already have restraining orders against him, and he's going to be spending most of his evenings on Alpha Male Incel forums complaining about Chad.
3. The girl is totally charmed by this guy's "I'm broke, I know you don't respect me so I'm just letting you know I'm not spending money on you so if that's not something you can deal with just let me know so I can run home and complain about You Modern Women on the Socials" speech and would love to go out for a cheeseburger, soda and movie, never mind that her date has just let her know that he has the self-esteem of a goldfish and thinks that because she has female body parts she's a gold-digging grifter Like The Rest of ThemTM. So she's even more desperate than he is? At least respond with "ok that's fine, and I'm letting you know straight out that I am NOT letting you in my pants tonight and it has nothing to do with the car you drive or the amount of money you spend on me. It's got to do with the fact that this is a first date but more, that you've already revealed yourself to be a woman-hating creep. And I'm sorry I was dumb enough to arrange for you to meet me at my address, and I'll be driving myself to McDonald's and then the movie and then home to change my phone number."
I have never in my entire life been as excited about anything as much as these people are over the prospect of being able to accrue debt at a lower interest rate. I wish I could work up this level of enthusiasm over something- anything. But then, I didn't go to an Etsy shop to order a t-shirt emblazoned with my credit score,* so I guess me and fun are never in the same room.
*the average American's credit score is 715. I have no idea what that first couple is excited about. A score in the mid-600s is nothing to fist-pump about. NONE of this is is anything to fist-pump about. Or dance about. I don't know what is going on here. But I wouldn't go outside wearing a "Credit Score 645" shirt.
Here's a clue: Taking a piece of plastic garbage, painting it green, and giving it a duckbill might make it a pretty, cute piece of garbage but it doesn't make it any more than a cute piece of garbage.
Also, there is no way to make vacuuming "fun," no matter how adorable or light the vacuum is. If you are wandering around looking for little messes to clean up you are lost and you need to break free from whatever cult brainwashing you've gone through.
Also, if you really think that anything recharged with a USB port can generate this level of suction power for more than a few minutes before it needs to be plugged in again for several hours/days, well, you have a lot to learn about the laws of thermodynamics. This is as credible as the pocket-sized aqualung thingee that was supposed to let you breathe underwater for hours or the umbrella that used air to deflect the rain or the tiny portable air conditioners that can make your backyard feel like a frozen tundra during a heat wave. Sense it does not make. Creating a "vortex" (because that sounds cool) takes a large amount of energy, which means you need a big, heavy battery or a power cord connected to an outlet. Sorry, but there is no third alternative and until Physics Itself is turned on its head, there won't be.
In short, Horsepower Duck is a really stupid, really obvious scam and I wouldn't be at all surprised if it sold a million units and made some Shark Tank Dropout really, really rich. Because come on, we are a very dumb People.
Hey look- not only does this clown commit to spending a ridiculous amount of money over a ridiculous amount of time* on a ridiculously overrated Point A to Point B-mobile, not only does he skip out on the job he'll rely on to pay for it to complete the purchase, but he does it with a huge shit-eating grin on his ridiculously punchable face.** Some, please, punch this guy's face.
When that someone gets done punching this guy's face, remind him that between 19th century-level tariffs and deep gashes in the social safety net, a lot of people are hurting right now and are struggling to pay for the absolute basics- food, housing, and medical care. A version of December to Remember ads in the middle of the summer is hardly a welcome sight. Every day Americans commit to spending too much money on BASIC, USED automobiles because for most of us, a car is a paycheck-devouring necessity and not something we buy so it will look good in our driveways and show well for our trophy girlfriends/wives.
*a base trim BMW X5 starts at $69,310- and this is being advertised as a DROP of $10,000 over last year's version. With no money down, that translates to $825 per month for SEVEN YEARS. That doesn't include interest*** and more important it doesn't include insurance, which I should not have to tell you is astronomical on cars like this. Realistically, we are talking about an investment of at least $1200 a month over eighty-four months, or a ridiculous one hundred thousand dollars- for a depreciating asset. Buddy, nobody should be buying cars like this. But the absolute LAST thing you should be doing is playing hooky on your job to do it. Dealerships are open on weekends and they aren't going to run out of Stupid, Ruinous Impulse Purchases with Wheels, moron.
**has he even finished paying the delivery fee on that trophy wife yet?
***not one American in a thousand will qualify for the advertised 2.99% interest rate, though probably a much higher number of Americans reasonably in the market for cars like this will. That 2.99% interest rate is for "Well-Qualified Buyers" who have FICO scores above 750. The average FICO score in the United States is 715, and that almost certainly translates to an interest rate much closer to 7.40% (the current average.) I've done enough research today, so YOU do the math on this one. You can't afford this car. Nobody can afford this car.
Way back in 2002, the Major League Baseball All-Star Game ended in a tie, and you'd think that the Munich Agreement and Non-Aggression Pact had been announced at the same time. The sky fell, the Professional Outrage Merchants did their thing, and for reasons that apparently didn't need to explain SOMETHING had to be done to prevent this ATROCITY from ever happening again.
At no point was it suggested by anyone in the media that the All Star Game was just an annual fun ritual that traditionally meant absolutely nothing and should not be taken as anything except a celebration of the most popular players in the game (not necessarily the best, because fans vote and fans are stupid.) No, this was SERIOUS and a CRISIS was at hand and baseball itself had been BETRAYED because a game that did not appear in the standings, featuring plays that did not appear in any official stats, ended in a tie.
The response was to ruin the All Star Game for more than a decade by giving it stakes: The winning league would have home-field advantage in the World Series. Never mind that for 90 percent of the players this meant that they were supposed to play hard for a natural rival (listen up, Pirates fans! The Dodgers and Braves need you to win this one! Hey Oakland player in the outfield- you'd better hustle! The Yankees and Red Sox are counting on you!
Well, that was a crap idea that (thankfully) ended up in the dustbin. This new one, introduced in 2022 but not noticed until a few days ago, is almost as bad; deciding a winner based on a mini home-run derby. Whatever, you might say. The game has gone back to having no meaning (as G-d intended) so who cares?
Here's the big problem: The ranting morons who comment on baseball for a living love the concept of ties being decided with Home Run Contests. I heard one yesterday say that he's "all for" adding this idea to the REGULAR SEASON, apparently because the disgustingly stupid automatic runner on second in extras isn't quite awful and insulting to the game already. We are literally one Commissioner Decision away from eliminating extra innings - with all of their drama- altogether in exchange for glorified batting practice.
I will give full disclosure here: I actually like the pitch clock and restrictions on batters leaving the box; it's sped up the game, made it more watchable and enjoyable, and opened it up to a larger audience of casual viewers who don't want to invest 4 hours. I get it and I approve. The automatic runner on second is an abomination which allows a team to win with two sacrifice flies and I'm sorry, that's stupid. But if baseball is so determined to shorten games that it's going to end ties with home run derbies maybe it's time to just close up shop now. And please, MLB yakkers, stop promoting this idea like it's the greatest ever; when you do that, you're just admitting that you were never actual fans of the game you are paid to talk about, just witless gushers love home runs and nothing else about the greatest sport ever. You disgust me, but you are welcome to be bored when the ball is not leaving the park. Let's preserve what is left of the game's integrity before it turns into hockey. PLEASE.
I could have gone my whole life without once seeing a woman have a freaking orgasm in her car over disgusting greasy fried chicken, thank you very much. I mean, if you've set up your phone to let the world know that you are even eating this stuff from the driver's seat, you are going out of your way to advertise what a pathetic, desperate-for-attention loser you are in the first place. Adding little moans of bliss while consuming oily bird parts adds nothing to my life and not only do I wish you'd stop, I really really wish you had never started. Just gross.
For about five years in a row, Hersheypark was the go-to-on-the-way-back-from-DC-place for myself and my niece. She would celebrate the end of another school year by visiting me in the Washington area and we would hit up all the museums, the zoo, take in a game at Camden Yards, and maybe catch a movie (the last one we saw was the Jurassic Park film that came out in 2018, I can't remember what it's called because they are all interchangeable now.)
Then she had kids, and the visits South came to an end. Instead I visited Pompeii, Ireland and Sicily before heading to Vermont for a summer of landscaping, swimming and wandering the beaches of New England.
Now we've decided that the children are old enough to start their own adventures in and around the Nation's Capital, so this morning we are all packing up and heading to Maryland for a week. We'll do All the Things, including catching a game in Baltimore, before returning home via Hershey a week from today. I'll enjoy Hershey Park especially, as long as it's ok that I just hold stuff while the others ride the rides; I'm not a rollercoaster person. The "Welcome to the World of Chocolate" ride at the visitor's center is wild enough for me. :>)
Please wish us safe travels and enjoy the archives while I'm gone!
Having long ago fried his last brain cell, and wasted his youth, consuming ultra-processed fat and sugar until his entire life is spent in a dull carbohydrate coma- a sort of waking nightmare, if you will- this guy is now going to wander around pondering the mystery of chicken in a taco. Past generations split the atom and harnessed the power of the sun, and there are still people out there creating actual value for society. This guy is going to stare at a pile of warm garbage in his hand and try to remember a time when he was able to solve complex problems and make plans beyond "use Uber Eats to order Taco Bell"- you know, before his cognition when all to hell, short-circuited by nutrient-free sludge delivered in a bag with a bell on it.
I just wish he wouldn't vote. Stop voting, idiot. Or if you insist on voting, start voting for candidates who want to rein in the price of healthcare. You'll benefit, believe me.
So it turns out that it wasn't hard at all to find a few people willing to admit not really caring about the particular brand of warm, bland carbohydrates they last fell asleep eating in front of the television while contemplating the wreck that had become of their lives.
Turns out that if they are told it was Dominos, well, then, sure, what the hell, it was Dominos, who cares? And when they are told "PSYCH! It wasn't Dominos! It was some other brand of life-shortening tasteless garbage with extra nutrient-free dairy product jammed into the middle of pasty white dough, but it wasn't Dominos!" the response is generally "oh really. That's not at all interesting. I really don't care. Is this a national campaign? How many times am I gonna be on TV?"
All of these people are putting in minimal energy to project surprise, and all of them are failing miserably. Because come on, if they are regular consumers of delivery stuffed-crust pizza, their energy levels are in the tank right next to their will to live. By the way, what happened to that weird fat creep who seemed to live exclusively on Pizza Hut products last football season? Did he die? He died, didn't he?
I mean, I think it's unintentional...but maybe the lack of sound is not an error in posting? Maybe the silence is supposed to ramp up the drama?
As it is, seeing this guy act like he's on the verge of un-aliving himself because he has to make a decision concerning paint colors leaves me very, very concerned. Like, never mind owning a business- I'm not sure that you're ready for Adulthood yet, buddy. It's not a big deal. Go with green. Green's nice. And if it's not your decision- if the client changed her mind on the colors she wanted, well, sorry but this cannot be the biggest headache you'll ever face as a sainted Small Business Owner. Again, you might not be ready for this whole Adulting thing. You sure as HELL aren't ready to run a business.
When don't have money but you have credit, you use a credit card.
When you don't have money or a credit card but you do have a job, you go to American Acceptance.*
When you don't have money or a credit card or a job but you do have a car, you go to the Title Loan place.
When you don't have money or a credit card or a job or a car, you start bringing your belongings to the Pawn Shop.
Eventually, when you have nothing but debts and no way to raise money, I guess you turn to crime or the bitter charity of your friends, neighbors and relatives.
Wherever you are on this list, you do NOT walk around with a stupid smile on your face as if you are dealing with temporary, easily-manageable problems.** Your life is crap.
*Better hurry, though. The lawsuits against this particular company are beginning to pile up. The biggest issue seems to be hidden fees and outrageous interest rates, whodathunkit?
**Seriously, buddy, stop grinning. You have NOTHING to be happy about.
So it turned out that all those "banks" that cater to the one percent were lying to me- my credit score, the result of never paying my bills on time, racking up huge debts on various pieces of plastic and eventually declaring bankruptcy, and basically being a complete deadbeat for years doesn't matter when it comes to buying a new car! As long as I've got a job with a regular paycheck that can be garnished/seized when I inevitably fail to pay for the current big purchase I want and therefore need because I want, I can get a car just like the other grownups!
I just need to come up with an $800 down payment, which I can get with a quick call to Fast Cash or QCPawn.com or Cashpoint or any number of Instant Money No Catch Unless You Consider Ridiculous Interest Rates To Be a Catch services. And I won't have to deal with negotiations and calls to banks and all that annoying stuff once I find the car that makes me look good in the neighborhood; in thirty minutes I can be driving off with a car because the biggest Buy Here Pay Here dealership in Nashville handles it's own financing. I understand that every franchised dealership in the United States also has financing but that has nothing to do with me because my stupid credit score locks me out of those places.
This place treats me like a real person. A real poor, desperate, economically illiterate person. A person who thinks they are doing me a favor when they take my $800 and have me sign a contract locking me into a $800 per month, 84 month payment plan at 39.9% interest which maybe sounds kind of bad but today I only need $800. And a place to hide this car from the repo guy in a few months when Real Life hits me in the face again.
...and I have been a BIG fan of boxing for forty years.
Seven years ago, Deontay Wilder was the George Foreman of the modern era. The guy went 40-0 with 39 knockouts in his first decade in the pros, with the great majority of those fights ending inside of three rounds. The fact that he threw off-balance windmill punches you could see coming from a mile away didn't seem to matter, mainly because he was in the ring against tomato cans, most of whom began to look for a comfortable spot on the canvas to lay down from the opening bell.
Then, in 2018, he began to face actual professional heavyweight boxers, and the chinks in the armor became obvious. In winning his first belt he could not knock down or even seriously hurt a terrified, 100 percent defensive-minded Bermane Stiverne in winning a lopsided 12-round decision. Then he struggled to finish Luis Ortiz in ten rounds. And at the end of the year, in his first fight against an actual skilled fighter, he was lucky to get a draw against Tyson Fury, a blubbery, rusty, aging ex-champ looking to make a comeback after gaining fifty pounds and spiraling into alcohol-fueled depression.
Since that first Tyson fight, Wilder is 3-4 (1-4 in his last five fights) and has been knocked out (each time quite brutally) three times. He hasn't fought since last June, when he was pole-axed in five rounds by a guy who went on to be KO'd in his very next fight. The general consensus after that disaster was that Wilder's legs were gone, his balance was gone, his chin was gone, and he needed to just walk away from the sport which made him very wealthy before he found himself going down an all-too-familiar road for practitioners of the Sweet Science: In pursuit of One More Big Payday, becoming a punching bag and eventually dying young and broke and not in full command of one's faculties.
In a few days, Wilder- who once headlined Pay-per-View cards in Nevada, New York and the new capital of heavyweight boxing, Riyadh, will step into the ring in that famous Mecca of American Championship Boxing, Wichita, to take on Tyrell Anthony Herndon, a clubfighter with a record of 24-5 who has been stopped four times in his five losses. Somehow this is being sold as a Pay-per-View event despite being only marginally more legitimate than a Jake Paul "fight." Such is the power of a Name in this sport- the name being "Wilder" of course, since nobody knows who Tyrell Anthony Herndon is except that he's exactly the kind of fighter Wilder feasted on BEFORE he became a belt holder.
Other than a quick paycheck, it's hard to see what Wilder is getting out of this (and I'm quite certain that Herndon expects absolutely NOTHING other than the quick paycheck, except to wake up the next day with a bad headache and possibly a sore back from hitting the canvas at an awkward angle sometime in the first three minutes of the "fight.") But I'm afraid that he's aiming for another, bigger fight down the road with an actual professional who will batter him to a pulp but make his bank account fatter in the process.
It's said that boxers are the very worst among sports professionals at knowing when the tank is empty and it's time to hang it up and enjoy the kids and grandkids. There are endless examples of ex-stars who flamed out and fought on long after the glory had faded because it was all that they knew or had blown through their money with no thought for tomorrow. I'm afraid that Deontay Wilder is just the latest chapter in the saddest cliche of sports. For his sake, and for the sake of his wife and kids, I hope that he just wants to go out a winner and after he's plastered this guy Herndon this weekend he finds peace and something else to do with his brain. I'm not optimistic though. As I said, I've seen this movie many times and I know how it usually ends.
One of the very first commercials I covered in this blog-- way back in 2009-- was a radio ad for Blue Hippo, the amazing "service" that allowed people with bad or no credit to acquire laptop computers and printers with "easy, low" bimonthly payments (usually around $39.) Thousands of people signed up get these laptops and ended up paying massive markups for computers* that were outdated way before they were paid for- and that's if they were ever paid for, or ever even received.** Because as it turned out, the laptops were not sent out until a certain number of payments had been made (to build a "credit history") and many were never sent out at all. Almost nobody*** got the "free printer" that was "thrown in" to the "deal" because that didn't come until EVERY payment was made and sometimes not even then.
In short, Blue Hippo was a giant scam advertised on YouTube, late-night TV, terrestrial and satellite radio, etc. which sucked money out of the people who could least afford it and whose credit was so bad they couldn't even rent a laptop at the local Aaron's or Rent-A-Center. Yeah, that bad.
Comments are unlocked for this video, yet there are no comments. Which makes me think that Blue Hippo is a moment in time that everyone involved would like to forget. I apologize if this post triggers anyone, but I think it's important to note that while Blue Hippo is dead and gone the offers of expensive items to people with lousy or no credit is very much alive and well.
*That desktop monitor at 22 seconds in is hilariously huge.
**In 2009 Blue Hippo, Inc. was charged by the FTC with collecting more than $15 million in payments without sending out a single computer. The owner of Blue Hippo filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy, the Attorneys General of Maryland and West Virginia filed suits, and the company was ultimately ordered to pay restitution in the amount of $14 million to defrauded customers.
*** It's entirely possible that not ONE SINGLE CUSTOMER ever got this printer.
I mean, there is simply no way that anyone finds this commercial even remotely funny....but just look at the comments. Are these bots? Are they being ironic? Are these people just insane? Am I insane for "not getting it?"
Why would the scent of Downy fabric softener make anyone develop a weird muscle twitch? Why would this be a SELLING point for Downy? Isn't there a prescription medication being advertised that deals with pretty much this exact issue? Does whatever evil chemical company that sells Downy also produce that drug?* Am I being a conspiracy theorist here?**
Why is everyone such an idiot now?
*It's Proctor and Gamble.
**Proctor and Gamble specializes in "health and beauty products," but as near as I can tell does not produce pharmaceuticals. Doesn't mean there's not a conspiracy here. Which means, there's a conspiracy here.
I couldn't find a commercial for this site, probably because it doesn't buy ads anywhere; not even on YouTube. This online "mall" has been in existence for all of a month and "sells" everything from wellness products to those robot puppies which don't look a thing like the AI-generated images used to pitch them.
All indications are that Solymall is just another drop-shipping site which sells overpriced trash produced in a sketchy factory in Urban Southeast Asia to an unsuspecting- no, let's stop being charitable- gullible American public which thinks that ten dollars here equals a hundred dollars over there which explains how "hand-crafted" robot animals, "crystal" coffee mugs, infrared light muscle massagers, etc. can be put on the market for a fraction of what you'd pay in a store if they ever even tried to sell this crap in a store. Through the magic of AI imagery and a public dumb enough to elect Donald Trump TWICE, barrel-scrapers like Solymall can dump the cheapest plastic garbage into the Bloated, Stupid West because Americans can not be convinced that Asians aren't desperate to slave away to produce high-quality stuff for us because they need whatever we can spare. And because Americans are really, really dumb.
You aren't going to be getting a lifelike robot bunny or a crystal coffee mug that looks like stacked books or anything else for 70% off through Solymall. You are going to get cheap crap that isn't even worth the pittance you sent. And when you complain, you'll find that Solymall is unresponsive or- just as likely- nonexistent, having changed it's name but not it's mission. You don't think Solymall is the original name of this site, do you?
1. Did I really see this clown slap away a guy's hand using a spatula? Guys don't do things like that. Nobody should do anything like that. And this is just the first instance of "who the hell does this guy think he is?" in this ad.
2. Why can't this guy take a burger when he wants to take a burger? Why are we on the cook's schedule? Guys don't do things like this. Nobody should do things like this.
3. Why is the chef staring at his beer like he's never seen one before?
What if the guest wants his hamburger medium rare, or just pink, or cooked the way HE WANTS IT COOKED AND NOT HOW THE CHEF WANTS IT COOKED? Who the hell is going to eat that hamburger? Next time, just take the freaking hamburger and don't ask and if the chef slaps your hand away with a spatula ask him what his freaking deal is and why he's acting like he started drinking beer long before you or any of the other guests arrived.
"Why pay $839 for an air conditioner when you can pay $879 for this scam plus an air conditioner you put in once you realize that this thing is a scam?"
Seriously, how dumb do you have to be to think that this thing is going to do even one-tenth of what the ad says it will do? Last time I checked, a little fan + water doesn't equal cool air, it equals humidity. And you can make it light up in different colors? So what? Since when is the lack of neon anyone's problem with an air conditioner?
And how stupid do you have to believe that this stupid crapbox is going to accomplish anything plugged in outside on a hot day other than spiking your electric bill? And why does that little girl act as if she's never breathed before and is enjoying the experience for the first time ever now that her mom has spent forty bucks on a box fan you add water to? What the hell is going on here, anyway?
Oh right- what's going on here is an unintentionally funny Not Sold in Stores ad for a product only people who don't know how physics works would spend money on. People who think that $40 plus shipping for one piece of worthless trash is a bit pricey but two for $40 Just pay Shipping and Handling is a Steal. Those kind of people. You know, morons.
