1. "Ever wonder why we spend all this money on stupid novelty cheese hats and plastic necklaces just so we can sit in a parking lot during the game?"
2. "Think anyone watching this ad will buy the idea that we wear dumb foam cheese on our heads in order to promote a service that has been around for about one-fifth as long as that tradition?"
3. "Do you think anyone gets a chill down their backs when they realize that we are the among the only people on Earth standing between Donald Trump and the White House?"
First, I understand that Shingles is an awful disease that way too many adults get because they forget all about getting vaccinated for it; it's that shot you are supposed to get after you reach the age of fifty and who thinks about an entirely different vaccine you get for the first time at that age? I mean, now that it's not 2020 anymore?
Ok, enough of the serious stuff. Let's get down to mocking this weird woman who doesn't have shingles because she got the vaccine but who seems to be suffering some kind of "I might have gotten that awful awful illness if I didn't get a shot" post-traumatic stress. Or she's on the Dramatic Comeback Trail from her bout with shingles. I really don't know what that pained expression on her face is all about.
Oh wait, here's a possibility: she stepped on stage for the beginning of her Triumphant Return Tour to find a grand total of five people waiting to hear her sing. Yeah, that's gotta hurt. Not as much as shingles, but plenty.
...and the praise being heaped on it in the comments section is entirely the work of bots or corporate simps. There is simply no way that people actually enjoy watching people scream, take a break to drink a bottle of chemicals, and then go back to screaming. It's beyond dumb. It's insulting.
I mean, for chrissakes. All this fuss over a bottle of liquid candy with No Sugar but plenty of chemicals that have basically the same impact on your insulin levels as Actual Sugar and God Knows What Other effects on your blood and organs, not to mention the assault on your teeth.
But shout away For Reasons ( I don't get that either. I've never once screamed at a sporting event, and I've never appreciated the screaming of others either. If I'm in a crowd of several tens of thousands of people, the very last thing I want to hear is screaming. Kind of like the last thing I want to drink is a cold bottle of acesulfame potassium, aspartame, and potassium citrate.
(Just don't use a gambling app to do it. And don't try to convince me that gambling apps aren't related to the Buy Now Pay Later phenomenon.)
Klarna, Affirm, AfterPay, and all of the other Buy Now Pay Later "services" that have been created or will be created in the time it takes to type out this post are working yet another game of hot potato, this time with millions of "small" debts packaged and sold from bank to bank and then from debt collection agency to debt collection agency- because the companies allegedly taking on debt by fronting stupid, financially illiterate consumers the money they need to live beyond their means are not even building their business model on the return of that money plus interest. You know, like actual banks.
Instead, this is all about collecting fees. These companies charge a fee to every business they can talk into accepting their "service" on the theory that the Buy Now, Pay Later option encourages additional spending (a theory that seems to be holding up in fact.) That fee is collected every time a customer picks the BNPL option. Then Klarna, Affirm, AfterPay etc. simply sell the debt to someone else, washing their hands of it and walking away with the money. When the system crashes under a mountain of unpaid and unpayable debt, no problem- their books are clean, and they'll move on to the next scam.
It's so ingenious, it's a wonder it took so long for us to come to this. I mean, shopping online is in it's third decade already. Shopping using phone apps is in it's second decade. I'm guessing this shift from old-fashioned credit card use and Layaway is just another product of the economy? Or another jewel in the crown of our consumerist I Want It Now I Need It Now I Deserve It Now culture?
Probably a good guess, considering that credit card companies, which I thought were already the epitome of Buy Now Pay Later Convenience, are getting into the BNPL business by copying the four-easy-payments strategy of Klarna, Affirm, AfterPay, etc.....that's right, the people who brought Buy Now Pay Later to the masses after World War II are now going all-in on...Buy Now, Pay Later.
Whatever the reason, between Buy Now Pay Later and the normalization of gambling, we are headed into the abyss here and the third (or is it fourth?) near-Depression of my lifetime is just around the corner. Bet on it. But not with an app.
Every once in a while I see an ad that I instantly think I should comment on in this blog, only to have second thoughts that go in one of two directions; usually, it's "this is do dumb, it descends into self-parody and is therefore untouchable by me," but sometimes it's "this ad is designed to elicit an angry response, and I'm not falling into that cynical trap." This ad definitely falls into the second category, but I'm going to briefly comment on it anyway.
The "joke" here is that two alleged adults are going on and on about the features of a phone Mom acquired that day, and two preteens are listening in convinced that they are talking about sex. Yes, it's weird and uncomfortable and goes on for way too long and as I alluded to earlier it's all designed to get people discussing the ad even if they are telling each other how creepy and inappropriate it all is. Since I can scroll the YouTube comment section with the best of them I am not going to go into all of that because Congratulations Apple you got people talking, Mission Accomplished. Instead I'll make one other point that I noticed but nobody else seems to be talking about, maybe because it fits perfectly into Commercial World but not so much into modern reality.
Mom tells her husband that she has something to show him, and it's her new iPhone 16. He's casually interested in seeing it and the rest of their little talk has to do with it's features (sort of.) At no point does he ask her why she got a new phone, or how much it costs. So she just went out and bought a new phone Because She Could? Was there something wrong with her "old" phone (presumably, the iPhone15?) The base price of the phone she is showing her husband is $800, and with the features she presumably is showing off it tops out at almost twice as much. Did we miss a conversation between these two in which a decision was made to spend maybe $1500 on a phone?
I'm being serious here- Mom is talking about a phone which probably cost more than their washer and drier as if it's just some little novelty she found being sold by a sidewalk vendor that she thought looked cute and decided to snap up for the hell of it. My very first question would be either "how much did this cost?" or "how long is the contract extension?" or at the very least "what the hell was wrong with that phone you spent a thousand bucks on six months ago?"
Especially in this economy, it's so damn off-putting to see people so casual about buying something that costs more than my rent, especially since we hear nothing about its actual value beyond that it glows if you push a button. My coffee maker does that too, and it didn't cost an arm and a leg, and I won't be tempted to replace it next year. Who the hell are these people and why are they so out of touch with the real world?
Those of us who are pedestrians in the Takoma area have only one real question: Will the massive headache caused by the snail's-pace "progress" building this thing be worth constantly having to cross streets to account for sidewalk closures and go around intersections shut down for heavy equipment as this project enters it's eighth year? But as one of those pedestrians I have another question: Will I ever actually see this thing in operation? Anyone who has ever followed a Metro project knows that the only thing more certain than the cost being far more than projected is the completion date being as arbitrary as those "Next Train Arriving At...." signs at the stations. I don't know if I am going to be in the area in 2027, but even if I am I'd bet serious money that date comes and goes and the system isn't up and running Because Something Something COVID Something Something Unforeseen Budget Issues. Meanwhile the dirt keeps flying and the crews keep standing around and the streets keep getting carved up so that sometime, maybe in the 2030s, things move a bit more smoothly around here. Someone send me a postcard.
In the near future, iPhones will be programmed to simply fly themselves out of your hands or their chargers(there is no third option; iPhones are always in either one place or the other) and to the nearest Apple store, where they will trade themselves in for the latest model. Six months later, the cycle will repeat. The phones will have Power of Attorney privileges to sign updated contracts; this will be sold to customers as a Time-Saving Convenience. Those willing to pay an extra fee will have the new phones fly in and high-five the old ones as they pass, so that not even three seconds go by in which the owners* are deprived of their phones.
In short- this is creepy, weird, and way too real to be entertaining.
*I'm not sure I'm using "owners" correctly here. In a Person-iPhone relationship, who is the owner and who is the owned, again?
Sunday, October 6, 2024
The average monthly car payment in the United States is currently just under $700. The average American car owner is using almost one-third of his monthly income to make that payment. The average American car owner is also $6500 in credit card debt and is paying more than $2000 per month in rent or $1200 to a 30-year mortgage. Use of "buy now, pay later" services is exploding as we are assaulted with appeals to indulge the You Only Live Once lifestyle sold to us 24/7 from all sides.
In other words, being "iconic" is not something that most of us should be concerned about. Being economically viable, keeping our heads above water, and continuing to tread as we desperately avoid drowning in debt better describes what most of us actual Americans Who Don't Live in TV Commercial Land are dealing with.
We are approximately six weeks away from the annual onslaught of Lexus December to Remember Ads. This insult is going to cause more injury as 2024 winds down. Brace yourselves, my fellow Iconoclasts.
...along with Afterpay, Klarna and all the rest of these awful "Buy Now, Pay Later" apps. Why? Well, the obvious reason is because they encourage overconsumption and debt. They do this by offering what are usually interest-free installment payments over a short span of time. Since consumers already believe that $30 x 6 < $180 because 30 is smaller than 180 DUH, there's no difficulty in convincing them that while they can't afford $180, they can certainly afford $30 six times- heck, that's easy-peasy I have thirty dollars right now (or, at least I will when my next paycheck hits my account.) There's a reason why the length of the average car contract was four years in the 2000s, five years in the 2010s and is now six years- because the only way you can con people into overbuying for a car they can't afford is to make those monthly payments smaller.
But in the very first sentence, I pointed out that these Buy Now, Pay Later companies offer INTEREST-FREE payment plans, so what's the big deal? Well, the Big Deal comes in examining how these companies make their money. They do it by charging merchants high user fees. And merchants pay these fees because the average user of Buy Now, Pay Later services ends up spending 20 percent more than the person using a credit card or cash. In other words, the high fees are worth it to the merchant. And how can the merchants make that money back? The way they always do- by raising prices.
See where this is going? Afterpay, Klarna, Affirm etc. are all contributing to inflation, and not just on impulse items like clothes, shoes, food delivery and jewelry. They are being used to buy groceries now. And using them is becoming alarmingly normalized; check out a recent post where a family uses one to pay a TOLL.
So expect prices to keep going up as stores adjust to customers who Buy Now, Pay Later using one of these fee-sucking, economy-draining services. Even if you don't use them yourself, * you're going to be paying more because the store has to keep paying for the option. And ultimately, you're going to be living in a country where everyone is in debt paying off the clutter sitting in their living rooms.
*and you don't use them yourself, right? You're way too smart for that. Nobody really wants to party like it's 1929.
Hey look, a male in an American TV commercial is being a clueless, destructive idiot while his long-suffering partner looks on with a mixture of encouragement and resignation. Like pretty much every American TV commercial for the past thirty years.
In this one, the Predictably Dumb Husband who somehow has a job that pays for this suburban palace and that overpriced truck is just going to keep trying to back into the driveway instead of just going in forward for some reason, and because he's equipped with male genitalia he's going to keep failing until his partner puts an end to it and- sends in a slightly more competent man to do the job. I'm not sure why backing a truck into a driveway is a specifically male job, but I'm also not sure why American TV commercials insist on "playfully" taking down guys in every ad, but I don't work for an advertising firm so what would I know.
Plus, I'm just an American guy so what would I know about anything that doesn't involve beer, gambling apps and breaking things anyway. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to do some major damage somewhere while a woman looks on in quiet desperation.
1. "What's going on here" is quickly answered with "he saved so much money bundling his insurance, he combined soccer with football." But the question could just as easily mean "why are we standing here on the sidelines watching this" or "why are you always hanging around me, don't you have a job to do?"*
2. "...he invented a new sport called Fruitball...." oh, whatever. Talk about creating a gigantic glowing banner which reads STATE FARM HAS OFFICIALLY RUN OUT OF IDEAS. What is the logical connection between saving some money and inventing a new sport? There is none. This is beyond Contrived; we need to invent a new word for it.
*Seriously, though. When is Pat Mahomes going to tell this guy to stop acting like they are joined at the hip? Mahomes can't spend as much time with his wife as he does with this unfunny, uninteresting creep. Shouldn't he be selling policies or denying coverage or something? Does he actually work for State Farm, or is he just trying to make a living as Mahomes' most persistent stalker? What the hell is going on here?
Don't despair because that touchdown you bet on didn't take place; wait a few moments until it doesn't happen again. NOW you can despair for the rent, car payment, or medical bills that are going to go into default because you listened to a multi-millionaire who couldn't resist lining his already well-lined pockets just a little more tell you how SuperAwesome gambling is.
Mr. Fox, I'm prepared to offer you a second chance. Just give back the dirty money you took to make this and your other Betting Is Good Clean Fun commercials- or, better yet, donate it to Gambler's Anonymous - and issue a public apology for making those ads in the first place. It won't do anything for the people you've already suckered in to this finances-and-life-destroying addiction, but if it convinces just one person to delete the app from their phone and seek professional help, it would be worth it- don't you think? Or are you really that infatuated with the almighty dollar?
So Mr. and Mrs. Diversity are cruising along in an SUV which is probably already crushing them in debt when they come across a bridge which requires a toll Because Reasons.
Naturally, this family doesn't have two nickels to rub together- why would they be carrying money with them as they drive through the woods with two children, after all- but fortunately they've become very used to the concept of Kicking Problems Down The Road with Klarna, Affirm or, in this case, AfterPay. Because why a small amount now when you can pay that same amount plus a crippling Oops You Missed A Payment Who Could Have Seen That Coming Oh That's Right Everybody later?
And I'm not even going to ask why people who have no money have an SUV and two kids because I've lived in this country long enough to know that deferred desires are just not a thing when compared to Living for Today. So this family- and tens of thousands of families just like them- are going to keep pretending to be financially stable because they can pay that Stupid Tax---- err, I mean, "Troll Toll."
...are, twelve years later, just stupid, disgusting walls of noise.
Walls of noise that are just getting more obnoxious as they proceed through their second decade of polluting the airwaves. And what really makes this annoying? The fact that this stuff is actually pretty effective. So why do the makers feel like they need to use this stupid gimmick, let alone use it for a dozen years?
I was recently watching a podcast concerning the hidden costs of UberEats and DoorDash- the massive amounts of waste involved in transporting a heavily-packaged meal over any distance because millions of lazy, stupid-with-money asshats can't be bothered prepare food themselves or decided that the line at the drive-thru was too long on their way home from their sedentary jobs.
Rinse.com might even be worse. Here are two able-bodied women who are about to settle down for a night (day?) of binge-watching some show when one is "interrupted" by the need to "finish her laundry." Which means, acknowledge a notice on her phone that her laundry has been completed off-site by serfs and is being delivered to her door by other serfs. Because she's "too busy" to do her own laundry, of course.
Well, excuse me but what the actual hell? There's no way that palace doesn't include a state-of-the-art washer and dryer. You put your laundry in the washer, add soap, and then watch your tv. You interrupt your viewing for five minutes at some point to move the laundry into the dryer. You interrupt your viewing an hour later to take the laundry out, and you fold it while watching your show.
Every other weekend I pack up my dirty laundry in my oversized backpack and pedal to the local laundromat. Ninety minutes and $4 later my laundry is done for the week and I am on my way back home. I didn't require a team to pick my clothes up, carry them off someplace in a gas-guzzling vehicle, be and cleaned and returned in another gas-guzzling vehicle packed in plastic and cardboard which will inevitably end up in a landfill. I'm not a hero. I just have two hours every two weeks to do this. You can't tell me that these women can't do laundry while they are watching tv.
The Convenience Culture is getting really, really awful. We've got prepackaged meals for specialized ovens. We've got every restaurant, burger joint and 7-11 ready to deliver everything from a four-course meal to a bag of chips to our door at the swipe of a phone. And now we've got spoiled princesses using a laundry service instead of the perfectly serviceable washer and dryer WE KNOW ARE SITTING IN THIS HOUSE.
"I see something, I buy it." Yes, exactly. The fact that you say that to a worldwide audience, with a big smile on your face, doesn't make it any better. Just sadder.
Klarna, AfterPay, and a dozen other apps make it super-easy to pay a little down and get that impulse buy into your house as quickly as possible, with the monthly installment payments coming later. If those companies have their way, you'll find this so convenient and easy you won't even notice when your entire paycheck is being vacuumed up by installment payments on stuff you already impulsively purchased because Gosh This App Makes It Seem Like Its Practically Free.
I'm sure this won't end badly. After all, what could go wrong with Buy Now Pay Later? What's good for the 1920s has to be good for the 2020s, right? And never mind that the average American is already carrying $6500 in credit card debt. We'll be fine as long as we can keep buying stuff.
You'll forgive me if I have an instant negative reaction to any commercial that starts with "Hey, Human."
Especially since the last thing I really need in my life is another commercial which accuses the most productive people on the planet of falling short of optimum productivity. Companies like this- and Indeed, and LinkedIn, etc.- are constantly pushing products to get just one more drop of sweat out of an already exhausted, discouraged workforce by using This Software or This Spreadsheet or This "Connectivity Opportunity" or This App.
In short, it's Always Something with these companies. And it has nothing to do with being human, and everything to do with exploitation. And it never stops being less gross.
Look, it's a delicious burger. Look how delicious it is! What a great burger!
Know what would go great with this truly delicious-looking burger? Some milk. A milkshake. A glass of water. A beer.
Oh, Coca-Cola. That would go great with this burger, if you like Coca-Cola. But if you like Coca-Cola, why do you need to pair it with a delicious-looking burger?
And if Coca-Cola is so good, why does this commercial sell the burger better than the soda?
This girl wants to get out of living with her grandparents, parents and siblings and I don't blame her, but here's a some cold water in the form of that nasty thing called Reality: The fact that a job opening has been posted on Indeed doesn't mean that there's actually a job available, let alone that this girl is going to get it.
And that kid is hysterical- he sees that the salary is around $100,000 per year and says "you're gonna be a millionaire in ten years!" Uh, yeah- if there were no such thing as taxes, and there were no such thing as expenses. If your sister gets that job and actually makes $100,000 a year, invests it well, and gets to live at home for free then MAYBE she'll be a millionaire in ten years. Otherwise- kid, that is not the way life works .
Then she gets an interview- and the family acts as if she's already been handed the job. Like businesses don't make job postings all the time just to gauge the market, and as if companies don't interview all the time just to see who is out there. It's very possible that there is no actual job at this company. But if there is, how many people got exactly the same "invite" to interview? An interview and $3 will buy you a cup of coffee at Starbucks, young lady. Be careful- your family acts like they are ready to start spending your money before it's in your hand.
Cripes, what is going on here? I get the feeling that the concepts of "having a job" and "getting a paycheck" are completely alien to everyone who lives under this roof. Who is paying for what this family already has? Whoever it is, I suspect he's going to keep shelling out while the people living on his dime continue to give themselves high-fives over being "invited" to interview. Major Eyeroll.
According to the Rutgers Addiction Center, approximately 5 million Americans have a gambling addiction. According to the same source, only eight percent of those 5 million will ever seek help in breaking the addiction. The other approximately 4.6 million? Well, I guess they'll take any comfort they can in the forced, scripted mirth of two multi-millionaires who pretend to also having a gambling problem but for whom in fact gambling is NOT a problem, but an opportunity to add more $$$ to the pile.
I can't believe I snarked on Joe Namath picking up a quick paycheck from a scammy Not-Medicare insurance company or Ernie Hudson shilling for Not Car Insurance. At least those guys probably need the money.
If a total stranger sits down next to me while I'm eating an ice cream cone and offers me $574 to trade cones, I can tell you two things: First, I am not touching the cone the total stranger gave me- never mind HER tossing away MY cone, I'm beating her to it by quickly disposing of the cone she gave ME. Second, I am not listening to any more of what I'm going to assume is a pitch from a cult or a Multi-Level Marketing scheme until I see my money.
Unlike this guy, who seems to instantly forget all about that $574 and seems perfectly satisfied to have switched cones with the total stranger who sat down next to him and is now pitching him insurance of some sort. This guy is a cult member's/Herbalife distributor's wet dream. He's on board with learning about Allstate and never mind that the person he's getting the pitch from has already proven her unreliability by not producing the $574 promised for the ice cream trade.
I'm seriously creeped out by the lack of lids anywhere in this ad- so even if you buy one of these things at the drive-through window, a lid is not included? So basically it's dirty before you can take your first sip (getting it all over your mouth, as apparently a straw is not included in that one-dollar price, either....)
"What? It's ONLY a DOLLAR? Why am I limiting myself to just ONE A DAY, then? I mean, sure it's 350 calories for a few slurps of chocolate-flavored chemicals, but it's ONLY A DOLLAR! Serve them for breakfast too, Wendy's! I can worry about diabetes later!"
1. The host, Quincy Brown, says he's also known as "Q Side B Side." I'm willing to bet real money that he's "also known" that only by himself and a few hangers-on. Seriously, buddy, I have never heard of you, and after watching barely a minute of this insulting wall of noise I'm quite good with never hearing anything more of you again.
2. Around the first minute of this program, we realize that this is basically a racist's fever dream. The way these people act is exactly how racist whites expect black people to act. So watch this "fun" show, allegedly sponsored by Walmart, and see media images of black people as your grandparents did.
3. Do the YouTube Math:
a) this channel has 3.1 million subscribers.
b) this particular post has 3.7 million views in the ten months since it was posted.
c) this channel with 3.1 million subscribers and 3.7 million views has generated 24,000 responses...
d) and 20 comments. That's Twenty. Not even 20k, which would be tiny. Twenty.
All of which means that the subscriber number is fake, the views number is fake, and probably the response number is also fake. Well, at least that restores some of my faith in humanity.
Meanwhile, Walmart, if you really do have anything to do with this....just, why? Is it because only 11 percent of your customer base is black, compared to 74% that is white- in other words, you just don't give a damn? Please, explain.
...so I don't have to be subjected to the seventh "season" of a long-running "joke" that everyone with two brain cells to rub together stopped finding even remotely amusing at least six years ago.
In other words, Enough Already. If there really are people who look forward to these little snippets of dumb, let them pay a subscription fee to watch it and stop interrupting my football viewing with (apparently) endless "dramas" about football-and-crappy-soda-obsessed lunatics living in Stupidville USA. Hulu, etc. are starting to strip networks of games already- these ads should be part of the package.
Yes, you could adopt Paycom and farm out work you are supposed to be doing to your employees (they aren't busy enough doing the work they are already contracted to do, of course.) OR, you could learn to manage your time and create that magical Work/Life balance that does not mean half-assing your way through either.
Some people see a guy working when he's supposed to be with his family as the kind of Go-Getter who Made This Nation Great, a guy know Knows How To Hustle and has his Nose to the Grindstone and any number of stupid cliche's invented by Capitalism to convince us all that Life IS Work. I look at people like this and think "disorganized," not to mention "selfish"- seriously, buddy, if you are devoted to your job 24/7, you have no business being married, let alone being a dad.
Either way, handing off your responsibilities to your employees is no more ethical than handing them off to freelance drones in Pakistani call centers. Do your own work, or don't- and suffer the consequences. But get your act together. Life is too short for this crap.
"What do you do when you're NOT being the Capital One Credit Card guy?"
"Um, I'm a commercial actor. I act in commercials. Having answered your inane question, here's one for you: Other than ask commercial actors for selfies, what do you do in your life that is so shallow and meaningless that you feel getting a selfie with a commercial actor and asking about his private life is a worthwhile use of your time?"
Hey look, it's another Smarmy Kid Lecturing His Parents on what he needs to be Cool for School ad. I think that makes pretty much all of them.
I do think that the anger expressed at the little brat is misdirected, however. Yes, the kid has a very punchable face and his "hey lame parents, let me explain something to you in words even you can understand" condescension is grating, but let's remember that he's just reading lines fed to him by someone else and he's being exploited by his actual parents, who will be taking care of the royalties. Chances are this kid will have a moment of stardom in his little community that will quickly fade away and we'll never see or hear from him again. And the money from this ad will not exist by the time he's ready for college and could use it. Maybe to buy a backpack with sharks on it.
So we see a guy having fun with his dog, playing tug-of-war in...um, the living room. This is really stupid yet so typical of American television ads to watch a grown male with the means of possessing a large suburban home but not enough brain cells to avoid doing something common sense tells us not to do. Surrounded by expensive furniture, with sunlight streaming in the windows, he's going to play tug-of-war with his dog in the living room because of course he is.
Naturally, the guy falls down and breaks something while doing this stupid thing because again he's a Guy in an American Television Commercial. And then we get the pointless single phrase- an off-screen "What was that?" female voice because of course this doofus is married to a probably long-suffering woman who is somewhere else in the house trying to hold everything together despite her pathetically dense partner and his tendency to do damage every time she turns her back for fifteen seconds. We did not need to hear from this woman. She doesn't actually make an appearance. The guy quickly uses Gorilla Glue to mend the piece of furniture he broke. Maybe the message is that he would not have fixed the broken item right away if not prodded by the threatening tone of his female partner? Maybe his quick action is motivated by sheer terror? Maybe if that voice didn't pop into the ad we'd be wondering why he was in such a hurry to fix a broken piece of furniture in his own house (there's no woman in my house, so there's literally nothing BUT broken furniture here. Why would I fix anything- I'm not afraid of anyone pointing out my inability to take three steps without breaking something?)
Now that I've done all of this analysis, I guess the "pointless single phrase" wasn't so pointless. Watching this ad without sound, it makes perfect sense that this guy is playing with the dog in the living room instead of the lawn- he's a male, which means he's a moron, after all. But we'd be totally confounded as to why he's so quick to repair the damage he does. The off-screen female voice puts it all together and makes it all work. Thanks again, Sexist American Advertising Agencies!
Here's my answer to the customer who asks "my tween wants a new* phone, how do I get one without breaking the bank?": Don't buy your tween a phone at all. She wants one. She doesn't need one. Don't buy the phone, and you've instantly saved an amazing amount of money. Oh, but you might have to do some parenting, instead. So I guess you're going to go ahead and buy that phone and deal with the cost any way you can, because the important thing is that a kid under 13 years of age wants a phone.
My better question is "why is this geek wearing a winter hat indoors? And why is he getting a free pass from a woman who needs to spend less time sitting and looking at her phone and more time actually using some of that energy she's been storing? Why is she snarking that a guy driving a golf cart should "get a helmet for that thing" when the obvious response from the guy should be "why are you wearing shoes, you never seem to use them?"
*note that the tween doesn't want a phone- she wants a NEW phone. So she's under 13, and she's already had at least one phone that she's "grown out of (doesn't show well for her peer group.") This is so gross. Are American families struggling to make ends meet, or are they in "need" of an updated phone for their not-yet-13-freaking-year-old kids? We can't have it both ways.
....or at least, let's be more honest with our customers than our customers are with themselves.
You're offering a magic bullet/potion to "fix" a problem that took years to create. Building visceral fat doesn't take as long as building muscle, and it's a hell of a lot easier, but it doesn't happen overnight, either. Problems that develop over time require solutions that also take time. I don't care how much money you have, you aren't fixing a lifetime of bad habits with one visit- or a thousand- to Sono Bello.
Once these people have gone through the procedure to remove the excess energy built up over years of overeating and under-moving, what then? 99 percent of them will go right back to the unhealthy habits that made them customers of Sono Bello (and before that, "fad" or "crash" diets) and gain all the weight back. Social Media is saturated with so-called "Fat Activists" who like to tell us that "99% of diets fail" and "99% of people who lose weight gain it all back within a few years." It's practically an article of faith. But it's a perfect example of lying with statistics. A "diet" is used to lose weight. If you can't stick with it (and there are approximately 8000 diets out there that will help you lose weight but aren't sustainable) you'll go right back to your old habits and, yes, gain the weight back because such diets aren't a "cure" for the problem of excess weight.
The key is to use the other definition of "diet:" the food one regularly consumes for energy. To lose, gain or maintain weight, change your daily diet. Adding movement helps, but regulating the intake of calories is the key. You'll get the same results offered by Sono Bello- but you'll also decrease your chances of developing Type 2 Diabetes, Heart Disease, Fatty Liver Disease, multiple types of cancer, etc. Sono Bello doesn't offer any of that- just a quick, less painful, more expensive version of a crash diet. With the same (temporary) results.
Bottom Line: If Sono Bello was honest with its customers, it would offer a Buy Nine Get the 10th Free punchcard along with the first visit. Because these happy customers will be back. Again and again. Wasting money on a 100 percent unnecessary surgical procedure instead of putting in the hard work of simply changing their diet. It's sad, but I bet it's really popular. Magic Pill offers always are.
Right off the bat, I have to deal with two issues: First, that kid is too old to have her father in the dental office with her at all. The doctor's "what's with your dad?" probably didn't mean "why is your dad riding a horse" but rather "why is your dad in here instead of the waiting room? Are you the biggest five year old on the planet, or are the apron strings really that strong in your family?"
Second, one of the comments under this video reads "I don't think they should have squeezed a horse into a small space like that." Which leaves me very, very concerned that the guy who left that post believes that this is an actual dental office and not a prop-filled sound stage. Maybe he thinks that's a real dentist and patient, too. Again, I am very, very concerned.
But as to dad being "on his high horse," I have two more points to make: First, no one under the age of sixty uses the phrase "on his high horse." Maybe because not one in 10,000 Americans will never ride a horse, or knows what distinguishes a "high horse" from any other horse, or sees riding a horse as a status symbol (which is where the phrase comes from.) If you see someone riding a horse today, you either live in the country or in a city that uses mounted police officers. "Because he's driving his Lexus" would be a good update for a modern audience, but I guess the 80 year old writer of this ad doesn't see it that way.
Second, this balding, fat shlub managed to get himself married to someone who produced at least one child for him- a child who talks like an 18th-century villager but a child nonetheless. And despite being super-excited about getting "the best deal" on a phone can afford to own at least two very expensive, luxury pets (if he's "riding his high horse," he must have a lower horse he regularly rides, right? Otherwise it would just be "riding his horse.") Maybe that's why he's on his high horse?
I didn't start off telling myself that my mild rheumatoid arthritis was no big deal. I have a low tolerance for pain, and I'm too active to want to be slowed down by pain flares.
So I got several x-rays and two MRIs. I had sessions with three different physical therapy providers over the course of six years. I pretty much gave up white sugar when I connected its consumption with severe pain flares. And I went on Humira. And I stayed on Humira. For three years.
I don't think any of this worked; I think that my knee and hip pain has simply become more like the back pain I've experienced since being hit by a drunk driver in 2002- something that is Just There, a minor annoyance. It doesn't keep me from doing anything. Does it limit by ability to enjoy movement? I'm sure it does. But it doesn't stop me from participating in movement.
Would Rinvoq work for me? I don't know, because my insurance doesn't cover Rinvoq. It covered Humira. Which means it paid out tens of thousands of dollars on a twice-a-month injection that did nothing (I've been off it for more than a year now. No difference.) I'll probably never know if Rinvoq would work for me. Maybe there will be an affordable generic version that my insurance will cover in the future. We'll see.
*especially today, my 61st birthday. I feel pretty young today. Some days I feel very old. Pretty much depends on how sore I feel from one day to the next. But I watch my weight, take my cholesterol meds, and my doctor says I have the heart of a 25-year old** so I guess a few aches and pains are no big deal.
**I don't know how he found this out, and until the police get a search warrant, it can't be proven either way.
What is Sally willing to do for a few seconds of screentime and a few bucks as a "paid spokesperson?" Let us count the ways in which Sally is willing to sell her dignity.
For one, she's willing to use her place of employment as a backdrop for this nonsense. For another, she's willing to lie about "reading the clinical study" (what study? Where can we find this study?) and this convincing her to try Prevagen, because "reading the clinical study" sounds better than "was suckered in by a lame commercial."
She's also willing to give Prevagen credit for what she says is "sharper focus" and "better memory," when it would make as much sense to praise the stone in her shoe considering that there is actually no real evidence that this nonsense does anything at all and isn't just an expensive placebo.
Seems to me that the only real impact Prevagen has on its users is to make them more susceptible to offers to pitch Prevagen for cash. Maybe a future "clinical study" will reveal that Prevagen is a powerfully effective Dignity Removal Drug, or DRD, which is especially useful to anyone looking to pursue a career on Social Media?
Apparently, "Being Professional" means nothing more than "having a job" or even simply "being human."
Hey, guess what? I can do this without LinkedIn. Now, how do I go about convincing LinkedIn of this?
But from LinkedIn's point of view, "Being Professional" also means remaining tied to LinkedIn even if you aren't looking for a job or seeking help. It means getting endless Emails urging you to check out who is looking you up, what everyone else is doing, and in short using a "service" you don't really need and aren't at all interested in using because you're already employed, don't need the ads, or simply Have a Life. A life in which too much time is spent trying to Unsubscribe from LinkedIn.
Sorry, but I'm not interested in spending several minutes every day Congratulating people I haven't seen or heard from in years for their Anniversary at Their Latest Address That Pays Them. Call me distant, but I just don't care if someone I worked with, taught, or knew casually twenty years ago posted something about something that has nothing to do with me. I don't need LinkedIn cluttering my inbox with notices that this or that person has done this or that thing at this or that company. I'm simply. Not. Interested. Because I simply. Don't. Care.
But again- good luck Unsubscribing. It ain't happening. The Facebook of Capitalism will never let you go. So remember this person? They posted an update. Go check it out. NOW.
This guy has been offering very high-interest loans ("usury" is a slur and judgment call, not a legal term- at least, not on the federal level- and state usury laws are ridiculously generous to lenders and hard on borrowers. Pennsylvania and New Jersey define "usurious" rates at above THIRTY PERCENT. Nevada has NO LIMITS AT ALL on interest rates for personal loans) for more than a decade, and he's currently polluting the airwaves by claiming that people "better" know him as "The Godfather of Credit." Which is kind of telling when you remember that "The Godfather" is a term given to the patriarch of a massive criminal cartel.
Apparently, this guy has been offering desperate/stupid people barely-legal lines of credit in exchange for high interest payments, fees, etc. etc.- fans of Dickens will think The Anglo-Bengalee Disinterested Life Assurance Company in Martin Chuzzlewit. He's a Lender of Last Resort- when the customer doesn't have anything of value to pawn but still considers himself a budding Small Businessman who just Needs a Break.
The people who fall into this net will get less than they were promised (in exchange for up-front fees, no doubt) at a rate higher than they were offered over the phone (but not in writing.) Just like those "warranty companies" that cold-call, it's all about getting access to the CUSTOMER'S bank information or credit card. The promises made by the company? If they aren't in writing, they don't exist. It's why the common denominator for all of these "offers" is that you never get a contract until AFTER you've signed up. Because that's how business is done legitimately, right?
*to be fair, after twenty years as a subscriber, I hardly needed more evidence that Sirius/XM will provide advertising for any person or company willing to pay for advertising. Just off the top of my head, here is a list of "companies" I've heard advertised on Sirius/XM since 2004:
Blue Hippo (remember those super-cheap computers with FREE printers people paid $30 a week for but never actually received?
Ronnie Deutsch "Legal Services."
TaxMasters "Legal Services." I think that guy- who looked suspiciously like Ray Reynolds- ended up doing jail time.
Ox Car Care and I've Lost Count of How Many Other "Car Warranty Services."
Home Repair "Warranties."
California Psychics.
Any number of "Credit Repair" companies.
Any number of "Get out of your Time Share" offers.
An almost infinite number of "Skip out of your completely legitimate tax debt" offers.
Big Lou and any number of "Term Life Insurance" offers.
Prevagen and other non-medicines.
Headhunter and other payroll and HR "services" geared at convincing small business owners that they need help dealing with Awful Awful Regulation and Evil Evil Unions.
"Tribute Proofs" pretending to be coins.
"Start a Computer Career" non-offers to train people for non-jobs.
Etc. etc. etc. I suspect that more than half of the ads I hear on Sirius/XM are scams. Hurrah for Free Speech, right?
The most unintentionally funny part of the radio ads is when we hear a guy say "my mechanic recommended Ox Car Care." Why is this line so funny?
1. Why would a mechanic recommend any car warranty at all? Mechanics- like any other provider of services- like to deal directly with customers. Why would any recommend a middle man? Do mechanics LIKE additional paperwork? How is this better than getting handed a credit card by the customer to pay for the repair?
2. Why would a mechanic recommend OX CAR CARE? Do mechanics like having to go back to customers to say "sorry, that work I did for you will not be covered by this non-insurance insurance?" Do they LIKE having repaired cars sitting in their lot? Do they LIKE not getting paid for work done, unable to pay for parts and labor because a scammy warranty "service" and the customer keep insisting that the other is responsible? Now imagine being the mechanic who recommended Ox Car Care- how do you then turn around and insist that the customer pay for a repair that is not covered by the COMPANY YOU RECOMMENDED?
Oh wait, maybe you own a big lot and your real business is charging storage fees? Maybe this conspiracy is deeper than I thought?
Most of the commercials I review simply Shouldn't Be. Because they are dumb and don't actually "sell" anything. They just waste time and burn brain cells and make us all a little bit more stupid. Beyond that, they are pretty harmless.
What's different about these E*TRADE Baby Commercials is not only that they Shouldn't Be, but that they Shouldn't Be Legal. The children being digitally superimposed over CGI can't consent to the use of their images. They don't agree to being made laughing stocks for the economic benefit of their parents. They don't consent to have thoughts they don't have about a subject they can't comprehend be attributed to their images. In short, they are being exploited. I'm pretty sure that there's a word for this.
As to the glue-sniffers who enjoy this garbage; I have nothing for you but contempt. Get a life.
One shot a week,* plus diet and exercise, and you can lose 20 lbs. in six months.
One stone in the pot, plus water, vegetables, and a little meat, will make a great soup.
One rabbit's foot, plus careful planning and caution, will prevent accidents and bring "good luck."
I could go on. I don't think I have to.
*there's something in the small print about the "impact on humans" being "unknown." I'm assuming it's talked about the drug contained in the once-a-week injection, because the impact of diet and exercise on the body has been well-known for quite some time.
These people aren't afraid of the "F" word, and their hatred of the "F" word is misplaced.
What they fear and hate is the "R" word- Responsibility. Also the "O" word- Obligation.
They worship the "V" word- Victimhood. And the "D" word- Deflection.
These people think it's cruel and unfair that they are expected to live up to the terms of signed contracts d to pay a certain amount of money each month for a certain number of years, at the end of which they would own those big beautiful homes that they gladly moved into. They snap like starving bass at any company that will call them victims of "Predatory Lenders" because sure they were legal adults but that print was really really small and that house looked so nice and all they wanted was to live the American Dream plus they Deserve It Because Reasons.
Having proven themselves easily-manipulated victims of their own gullibility, the LoanMod Hotline looks like a super-attractive way of escaping the legal agreements they freely entered into as a way of keeping the houses they never could really afford.
Oh, and what is "something that they can afford?" It's another "R" word - "Rent"- that of course was not good enough for them because They Deserve Better, again Because Reasons.
The dystopian universe in which this unassuming donut shop exists includes a small business that is so successful in its sale of a 100 percent unnecessary, at least 90 percent unhealthy product that people are lined up around the block to purchase. A successful business that nonetheless has zero relationship with an actual bank and has to go to some sketchy online-only loan company to get some extra operating cash.
A business that is successful despite the fact that it appears to be operated by two total schmucks too cheap to even hire cashiers so they can tend to the more important operations. Yeah, the co-owners of the company are handling the transfer of goods to the public; sure, that's how it works. And interrupting the sales to apply for a loan. Because Brains and Time-Management Skills are not needed in this universe.
Except for the broken glass and possibly injured customers, its hard to see how OnDeck can beat the "Loan Falcon," which flies in to drop money without even getting a signature on a contract in return. If the money is right, I'll clean up the glass, and it really doesn't look like anyone got hurt, so no harm done in that regard- I'm picking Loan Falcon to drop free money on me. Heck, I'll take Loan Falcon over a legitimate BANK loan. Who wouldn't? Maybe these two idiots, because they are from the generation that thinks if it isn't provided through the tapping of a screen on a phone or at least a tablet, it's Your Grandfather's loan options and totally lame, yo.
...although, to the writer's credit, it was repeated at least once.
That word is "inaccurate," as in "inaccurate lines on your credit report can hurt your score" and "we can help remove inaccurate reports that damage your credit." This is the ONLY thing that "Credit Repair" companies can do that will help improve one's credit score.
The problem is that for the vast majority of people who are attracted to ads like this (I'm going to throw my guess of 99.99 percent,) their poor credit score has nothing to do with "errors" or "inaccuracies" and are instead completely justifiable by a fair audit of their finances and history of borrowing. In life, things happen- unexpected medical bills, loss of job, etc.- which can damage one's credit but should not be used to condemn the victims of these events. This does not however change the fact that the dings on the credit report created by these events are completely accurate and, more to the point, can't be smoothed over or erased by this or any other "Credit Repair" company.
Also- if there are false reports that are damaging your credit score, you can get them fixed yourself without hiring a "Credit Repair" company. So- if your credit is fixable, you can fix it yourself. If it's not fixable, no company can fix it. Bottom Line: there is no legitimate market for "Credit Repair" services.
But just as dopey rubes don't hear the word "proof" or "tribute" when watching pitches for medallions that look like 1883 silver coins or hear the word "covered repairs" when hearing pitches for crap non-auto warranties, I bet a lot of people don't hear the word "inaccurate" when watching this ad. We're good at not hearing what we don't want to hear. Just like we're good at pretending to have money we really don't have. We're funny like that. Funny, and Stupid.
As late as the Reagan Era, Hollywood could produce movies in which career women learn the error of their ways and come to appreciate the simple pleasures of Motherhood, giving up the rat race for raising a child and dating the local veterinarian who is also Sam Shepard. Ok then. So why is this film so eye-rollingly insulting to anyone paying attention?
1. Babies can be left to virtual strangers living on the other side of the planet through the simple use of a Last Will and Testament. Diane Keaton's character "inherits" a baby because she's the closest living relative and that's just the way it works so shut up and be glad that this only happens in movies and you don't really have to worry that your distant cousins whom you've never met have assigned children you also haven't met to you. It's not going to happen. I don't think.
2. Super-sharp "Tiger Lady" business woman buys a house totally unseen in a place she's never been and leaves the city to go live in that house without getting it inspected or securing any kind of warranty.
3. Turns out that she's moved into what I wanted to call a Hallmark Channel version of a Vermont town, except that this film predates the first version of the Hallmark Channel by six years. So instead, I'm going to call Baby Boom the inspiration for every Hallmark Channel Vermont Town. Drawling yokel locals, a veterinarian who is also the local doctor, idiot tourists buying everything that has Made In Vermont stamped on it- oh wait, that part is accurate...
4. Diane Keaton's character supposedly made big-time money in New York that allowed her to reside in a massive Manhattan apartment, but in a manner of months after moving to Vermont she's dead broke. How much did she pay for that house where a few thousand dollars in repairs leaves her destitute?
5. Remember how Diane Keaton's character was supposed to be a razor-sharp businesswoman who ran multiple ad campaigns at the same time in NYC? Well, maybe it's the weather or the lack of skyscrapers or something because when she decides she wants to try to sell boiled applesauce labeled "baby food" she goes to the local library to ask for all the material they have on consumer trends and baby boomers, exactly as if she were a single mom with absolutely zero experience in the business world. Why isn't she just putting her education to work? Why is she behaving like she has no idea how to sell a product when that was literally HER JOB back in NYC?
6. This character doesn't need information on consumerism or the spending habits of baby boomers. She needs information concerning health codes and why the Food and Drug Administration tends to frown on the mass production of food products in home kitchens, especially when those kitchens are in homes with unreliable water sources and holes in the roof. Child Protective Services might also be interested in a woman who takes a baby out on a rowboat with neither she nor the baby wearing lifejackets. The local Psych ward might also be interested in talking to her when they realize that she's regularly leaving her baby alone while she takes an obvious plastic doll out on the lake...
7. Ok, exactly how much time passes between this woman inheriting this baby, quitting her job, moving to Vermont, establishing a business, seeing that business become front-page news throughout the nation, and ultimately becoming SO successful that she's offered a ridiculously generous contract by her old employers? It SEEMS to take a while, since she arrives in Vermont in what looks like summertime, survives a winter, and later goes to a dance clearly set in autumn- but that baby doesn't seem to age a single day for the entire length of the film. She can't crawl or stand or talk when we first meet her and there's no evidence she can do any of those things at the end. So what is going on here? Why isn't this baby aging AT ALL? Did Diane Keaton quit her job in NYC on Monday, move to Vermont on Tuesday, break under the strain of modest home repair on Wednesday, start selling apple sauce on Thursday, hit the cover of The Wall Street Journal on Friday and get her huge offer back in NYC the next day? Should I just ignore what appears to be the passage of time presented in a montage and figure that in her case "Overnight Success" is a literal truth?
Siskel and Ebert, may they RIP, gave this film two thumbs-up. They found it funny and engaging and forgave the fact that it's dripping with twee throughout. So did I, when I first saw it. But my ability to suspend my sense of disbelief has faded with age, and there's too much here that is dumb, predictable and, yes, Contrived. Maybe the biggest problem with this film is that it's So Damn 80s I can't just turn my brain off and go with it anymore. I suggest that anyone who wants to revisit this schlock spend a week watching Christmas-themed Hallmark films first in order to smooth out your brain and prepare it for this particular package of predictable pablum.
I hear the radio commercials for Swish funding all the time on Sirius XM. They all involve a narrator blowing smoke up some small businessman's ass- "you are an entrepreneur, a trailblazer, one of the 30 million small business owners in the United States. You wake up every morning thinking about your cash flow, your employees, and your dreams" blah blah blah blah blah.
First of all, if there are 30 million small business owners in the United States, that means that approximately one in ten Americans (including children) are small business owners. In other words, you're nothing special, we could do just fine without the vast majority of you, get the hell over yourself.
Second, I suspect that the vast majority of these sacred small business owners are running businesses the rest of us could do just fine without and won't even notice the absence of when they go under, as most do within three years after first opening. They aren't "trailblazing" if they are providing the same services that existed before they opened up shop and will continue to exist long after they've come to the realization that they need to just go out and get a job.
Third, I suspect that the figure of 30 million "small business owners" MUST include Multi-Level Marketing grifters. They all call themselves "small business owners" and/or "CEOs" despite the fact that they actually exist within a pyramid of salespeople making money for the ACTUAL owner of the company. It's all about stroking that ego and convincing people with no skills and nothing more than a High School Diploma that they can become Boss Babes by playing with their phones and annoying everyone they've ever known with unsolicited "offers" through Facebook and Twitter.
Fourth, there's no shortage of money in the banks for people who have stable cash flow, pay their bills on time and (if they want a LOT of money) have some kind of security to put up in exchange for that cash. If you're dealing with Swish because you need thousands of dollars quickly, you've already failed as a Small Business Owner. You're borrowing money at a high interest rate because banks won't touch you. Ask why this is happening. The answer will hurt your ego, but it might save you some money. If I find out that your small business is being funded by Swish I'm going to assume that you don't know what you are doing, just like if I walk into your house and see that your TV and furniture has Rent-A-Center stickers on it I'm going to assume that you are living beyond your means and your credit is in the toilet.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: If you want to call yourself a small businessman, that's fine, but there's no reason for me or anyone else to care about you or your dreams- we're the other 90 percent of Americans who have a stronger grasp of reality and are just going to work and don't need to pretend to be Important Trail-Blazing Entrepreneurs. And while we're at it, stuff "Small Business Saturday." You aren't entitled to my money at any time, no matter how much Swish tells you how Super Awesome and Important you are.
Think about it: An organization with about 2500 employees develops a nationwide reputation for being able to judge ("rate") businesses on a scale from A to F based on...what, exactly? Well, as I suspected all along- and has been proved through good old fashioned investigatory journalism- the ratings are based on how much money businesses are willing to shell out to get that coveted "A+" rating. And this method is so successful, that A+ rating is flaunted by the very worst car "warranty" companies, Tax "relief" services, Medicare-ish "insurance," etc. etc. etc. If Ox Car Care and Home Defender have A+ ratings despite literally thousands of complaints, class action lawsuits, and entire pages on RipoffReport.com exposing their deceptive garbage, who CAN'T get an A+ rating? Oh right- small companies who aren't willing or able to pay for it.
This pay-for-play scam used to be associated with big-city political machines, the Mafia, and corrupt cops. "You gotta nice business here....be a real shame if anything happened to it" being met with a fat envelope filled with cash representing a certain percentage of the proprietor's take for the week. Today it's much more subtle- sure, your business is doing ok, but how good is it going to do if your competitor has an A+ rating and yours doesn't? Even worse- what if your competitor has an A+ rating and yours is lower Because Reasons? This is a problem that can be handled with a sum of money- and all the Better Business Bureau knows about your company is that it paid up. That makes it worthy of that A+ rating.
All of this is why I call the BBB the biggest scam in advertising- "the Better Business gives us an A+ rating" has the same level of legitimacy as "you can trust me, I'm a good Christian" as far as I'm concerned. The biggest scam in advertising- and a Modern Protection Racket. The BBB won't break your legs, just your reputation with the buying public. Hey, it's up to you, but as I said before, sure'd be a shame if....
On my last day of my beach vacation, I got a notification from Uber One that my credit card had been "successfully" charged for an annual membership- $96. Thing is, I never signed up for Uber One and had no interest in doing so.
So today- my first full day back- I visited the Uber One site to find out how to cancel this "membership" which I guess is supposed to save someone who regularly uses Uber delivery fees and earn cash rewards or whatever, I seriously have used Uber for two rides total and I really can't describe any more clearly how totally uninterested I am in becoming a regular user. Well, the site brings you on an endless loop of directions on how to get rid of the membership and get a refund- apparently the App USED to have an End Membership button but they removed it because it was making it too easy to remove the membership. Uber One also makes it very clear that there is no contact number so you will not be able to talk to a human being about this issue or any other issue. Allegedly there's a chat available but it's so well-hidden that it might as well be non-existent.
Then I did what everyone does when they can't find an answer to their problem- I looked for a YouTube video explaining how to cancel a membership to Uber One. Unfortunately, the video I found was six months old and it showed how to navigate to the End Membership option which no longer exists (I only know that it once DID exist because of this video.)*
Finally, I went to the Uber One Facebook page, and surprisingly enough was able to contact Uber through it and cancel the membership and get a refund in about five minutes. I didn't get out without one more insult from Uber however- a note that said that the membership I never signed up for was being cancelled and my money returned "as a one-time courtesy"- in other words, the next time Uber decides to charge me for something I don't want and didn't ask for, I'm out of luck they are keeping the money go pound sand I guess. So I decided that I couldn't just get the refund- I had to freeze my credit card, order a new one, and delete the Uber App from my phone. I'd say "live and learn," but that would imply a level of responsibility I do not feel. So I'm not going there. More like "corporations will mug you if they think they can get away with it."
*I left this modest proposal in the comment section of this YouTube video: The CEOs of every company that sells a service with a membership fee, automatic reoccurring payments, etc. should be strapped to chairs, handed smartphones, and given the task of cancelling payments and providing refunds through their own sites. If they can't cancel a payment or request a refund through their own apps within five minutes, every minute thereafter should result in one month in prison. If it's not possible to do either of these tasks through their sites, they should serve a year in prison. If the site claims that it is possible but does not actually provide a way to do it, they should serve life sentences. That would fix problems like this quickly. Someone seeking high political office- Run with this. You've got my vote.
If your mouth waters at the smell of deep-fried Everything Except Maybe Ice Cream* then I suppose that yes, walking along the boardwalk at Hampton Beach in New Hampshire is "mouth watering." But if you don't turn your brain off before going on vacation, you'll avoid most of the Cheap Except for the Cost "food" being offered from the holes in the wall that pass for restaurants. Your heart and other organs will thank you for ignoring your stomach's attempt to kill you.
Anyway, this is where I'll be until next Saturday night. Enjoy the archives until then!
*Yes, you can get deep-fried ice cream at Hampton Beach. And Snicker's Bars. And vegetables- going on vacation is no excuse to stop eating your vegetables (major eyeroll.)
Better yet, anyone understand why the people who are with her at the beach are with her at the beach? She comes off as a weirdly competitive woman who more than anything else needs treatment for her Main Character Syndrome.
I mean, look at her- she's psyching herself up for what turns out to be a casual pick-up game of volleyball on the beach. In the first few seconds, I thought it was going to be revealed that this game was being broadcast on ESPN or something, but no- that intense look in her face, followed up by the equally intense look she gives to her teammates in the huddle just before the game starts (the group of friends on the other side of the net must be thinking "what the hell...oh, it's that insane woman again, the one who thinks something's at stake here. I hate when she shows up, she sucks all the fun out of this,) and her WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS expression at the end- good lord, woman, what is your issue?
And then we see her dominating the conversation around the beach fire we always see in commercials featuring beaches regardless of the fact that the vast majority of beaches in the United States don't allow open fires (so this is a private beach? How relatable,) probably explaining to her "friends" how she won the game with that move to earn Point 18 and how they really need more practice. We see her friends laughing but because we're supposed to be distracted by the pretty music and pretty faces we can't hear what they're laughing at, but we can guess they are patronizing her until she decides she needs her Recovery Rest and leaves so they can spend the rest of the night chuckling about the super-competitive freak who simply refuses to have fun at the beach.
Clearly the men who make these ads think that women just sit at home all day in the enormous houses provided by their husbands, getting high on the scent of their freshly-laundered clothing. This woman is taking a break from using the Swiffer and prancing around to the sweet smells of the Glade air fresheners to enjoy the fruits of her REAL craft- doing the laundry. Thank goodness for that MRS degree, eh ladies?
*I only see these ads in July and August, because they only run on weekdays and only on channels that feature the local news, my Mom's Soaps, and the Andy Griffith Show. I don't miss the misogyny at all.
A former employee of the Jacksonville Jaguars is currently serving a 6.5-year sentence in a federal prison for embezzling $22 million from the team to bet through FanDuel (he also bought a number of luxury items, including a golf club once owned by Tiger Woods- about $5 million in luxury items, in fact.) The Jaguars announced the other day that they are filing a lawsuit against the employee for $66 million in Florida, a state which allows plaintiffs to recover up to three times the lost amount in damages. The Jaguars are also "in talks" to recover their money from FanDuel.*
The employee claimed during his trial that he was "damaged" by his gambling addiction, which is a pretty obvious defense considering that the Supreme Court ruled several generations ago that addiction itself cannot be criminalized. I don't know if the defense worked in any way- it certainly didn't convince the jury to give him a pass on his actual criminal activity (the stealing of the money) but maybe it resulted in a lighter sentence. I'll leave that for someone else to research.
Here's the point: Every Major League Sport in the United States uses the availability of gambling apps like FanDuel, SportsKings etc. to sell their product, and every gambling service sells its product as "good, clean, innocent fun." But we've known of the existence of gambling addiction forever. We've known that gambling ruins lives, breaks up families, and lands people in crippling debt or even prison FOR EVER. Prominent novelists were writing about gambling as a destructive force two freaking centuries ago (I've always argued that the real villain of the Charles Dickens classic The Old Curiosity Shop was not the evil dwarf Daniel Quilp, but Little Nell's asinine grandfather and his obsession with making his fortune at the card table that ultimately kills her.) But today we have the biggest stars of Hollywood and (much worse) the biggest names in SPORTS selling what is basically Dignified Crack during every commercial break of every sporting event.
Embezzlers should be in jail. I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for a guy who steals money to gamble and buy luxury items. But the Jaguars- and every other sports team that partners up with gambling- needs to understand their role in feeding this monster. They aren't innocent either.
*which presents an interesting problem. If the Jaguars can recover money stolen and then lost through FanDuel, why can't a spouse recover money stolen from a joint bank account for the same purpose? Where does FanDuel's responsibility for checking the source of the money being risked start and end? And while we're at it, how did a company which preaches "gamble responsibly" in tiny letters at the bottom of the screen accept MILLIONS in losing bets from the same person? Isn't this like a bartender whispering "drink responsibly" while filling the glass of the local drunk for the 2000th time?
