Sunday, April 14, 2024

JD Wentworth knows the Tragic Opera that is your Life

 


"I have a structured settlement but I need cash now!"
Call JD Wentworth, 877 cash now!

"I won the lottery, but I'm in debt anyhow!"

Call JD Wentworth, 877 cash now!

"My dad set up an annuity but I need cash now!"

Maybe live within your means- I mean, Call JD Wentworth, 877 cash now!

"I am surrounded by leech relatives and alleged friends and they want cash now!"

You'll be back in debt next year and those relatives and friends will be long gone-- um, I mean, Call JD Wentworth, 877 cash now!

"I am stupid with money so I need cash now!"

Here's your money.  Sign here.  Thank heaven for stupid people like you, they make services like this and "rapid refunds" super-profitable.  Call us again when you want to sell your life insurance.  But don't call us when you want to sell your blood- we don't do that.  Call the Red Cross for that. 

Saturday, April 13, 2024

Optima Tax Relief, the Movie?

 


Not only is there a playlist that someone set up just in case there are insane people* out there who want to watch almost a FULL HOUR of scofflaws explaining how they were rescued by the consequences of their own actions, but it includes TWENTY-EIGHT EPISODES, presumably each involving a different person's "I committed a felony and kept committing a felony and I was so worried I'd get caught one day" story.

My only regret is that comments are disabled, so I have no way of knowing if anyone has ever watched the entire playlist.  I'm certainly not going to try to do it myself; my rage meter would break way before I got halfway through the "listen to my story about how I got away with being a tax cheat/freeloader, fellow citizens" Tales of Second Chances (which no doubt have turned into a need for Third and Fourth Chances within a few years after Optima Tax provided undeserved "relief.")

*Or maybe someone put this playlist together for the benefit of this page?  If so, um...thank you, I guess?

Friday, April 12, 2024

Just add this to every commercial for pharmaceutical products from now on.


I mean, it won't work most of the time- for example, all of these side effects are still more tolerable to a lot of people than a balanced, sensible diet and exercise- but who knows, maybe a small handful of people out there will think twice before popping a daily pill to deal with something that really isn't a problem but Hey It's Covered By My Insurance So Why Not What Has My Liver Done for me Lately Anyway?

Fun Flashback: Remember this embarrassment from 1988?

 


Yeah, these electronic "labor saving devices" will never catch on....

There's something really sad about seeing the cast of what was, for three or four seasons, the best show of the 1970s (and then went on to be a middling comedy, and then a mediocre comedy, and then an entirely forgettable comedy, as it went on and on before shuffling off the stage* having lasted roughly three times longer than the Korean War that was supposed to be it's setting) pimping for International Business Machines five years after their seminal roles left television.   Someone in the comment section points out that this commercial features the very first appearance of Colonel Potter and Trapper John in the same scene- they never met in the series, so it's kind of strange that they would know each other here.  The absence of Alan Alda is striking as well; no, it's not because he was "too good" to shill for a computer company.  It's because he was already under contract with COLECO, selling their somewhat less successful ADAM system.  Remember that one?  The computer that could only receive power through the printer port, meaning that if the printer broke down the computer wouldn't work?  Me neither. 

*Of course, M*A*S*H left television with the most-watched final episode in television history (more of a tv movie than final episode,) but it really ought to be remembered that the finale was so popular because it was a throwback to the quality and tone of the film and the early seasons of the show, and discarded the weak and often gimmicky scripts and direction of the last third of its run.  

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

Taco Bell's Sad, Not at all Relatable Commercial

 


This Taco Bell ad is here to remind us that at least one of the ultra-processed garbage grease-and-meat-and-cheese offerings available on it's After Midnight Menu is not just available After Midnight.  It's actually available any time you need to deaden the dull, throbbing pain that is your life with a quick dopamine hit followed by an even bigger crash into the bowels of despair.

So don't save Taco Bell for the usual I Drank Too Much and Struck Out as Usual at the Party binge while sitting alone in the parking lot (please remember that when it's late at night, you might not want to eat this stuff while sitting in the parking lot.  Might be safer to eat it back home, or while driving home.  Actually, the safest option is to not eat it at all, but we're way past that, aren't we?)  America's Favorite Faux Tex-Mex Pig Trough is there for you pretty much any time your soul needs a shot of Novocaine in the form of empty carbs before you head home, alone, again.  

I thought that this was what IHOP was for.  Is the price of pancakes and coffee just too much for the new generation?  Well, what happened to 7-11 and a Big Bite hot dog and bag of chips?  Those used to be the go-to places for the late-night Alone Again, Naturally munchies.  I mean, that's what I've heard.  From other people.  Sad people.  

Sunday, April 7, 2024

We ain't really talkin' about cashbacking, Mr. Hart....

 


At least, not as much as we be talkin' about an overrated comedian turned ridiculously successful huckster willing to enthusiastically sell everything from credit cards to gambling apps as long as the Cash Be Backing.  Ain't you ashamed of yourself, Mr. Hart?  Really?  Not yet?

Saturday, April 6, 2024

Walmart's terrific commercial for Birth Control

 


Yeah, I want a dozen of these things.  Sure, I do.

Cripes, I won't even own a cat because I don't want to deal with a litter box.  I don't own a dog because I'm not picking up after him on a walk like I'm a servant.   If I had a best friend, they'd take care of their own "leavings," thank you.  But to quote James G. Blaine, "I have no friends, thanks be to god." 

Oh yeah, back to these babies- maybe I'll get myself one when they come out with a model that can use the toilet right out of the box.  Until then, I'll leave others to wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, and use Walmart Same Day Delivery because before that was invented, pre-toilet trained kids just went naked when Mommy and Daddy irresponsibly forgot to pick up diapers I guess.   Wipe me down?  More like, Count me Out. 

I Don't Understand this Squarespace commercial at all*

 


I guess the "joke" is that if aliens ever show up we won't even notice because we are so glued to our electronic devices we can't be bothered to look up from them.  This "joke" is actually pretty obvious about ten seconds in, but commercials being commercials the "punchline" must be beaten into us for another minute-plus to make sure not only that we get it, but that we get how super-clever and funny it is.

At no point are we supposed to think that maybe this ad is a bit too on the nose, and maybe it's a wake-up call we could use to rethink our devotion to our glowing screens.  The people who made this ad are not calling for any of use to take a mental health break from what is laughingly referred to as "connectivity."  This is a commercial for Squarespace, about which I learned absolutely nothing from the ad but had to find out through a quick Google search that its a program to help you create your own website.  In other words, its a commercial for a program which encourages you to build your own little corner of the Worldwide Addiction Machine that turns us into those funny funny alien-ignoring zombies we were supposed to be laughing at for the entire runtime.  Um, whatever.

*Even after looking it up, I don't understand Squarespace, either.  Is it that hard to build a website?  It's 2024- we are in the third decade of online shopping.  Has it become harder to create a business website as everything else about using a computer has become easier?  What is actually being sold here, anyway?


Friday, April 5, 2024

Because you don't want to admit why you take Ozempic.

 


Gotta love the offhanded "and I lost some weight," as if 90 percent of people creating a shortage of Ozempic aren't just fat people who couldn't care less about their A1C, lipid panels, or diabetes risk and just desperately want to lose weight before swimsuit season begins in earnest.  And no, they aren't going to be eating less and exercising more because after all that's just Fatphobic Talk plus their tendency to pack on pounds while coincidentally stuffing their faces with garbage and bingeing on streaming services is genetic so shut up and fill my prescription already.  

Sunday, March 31, 2024

The message of pro-Tiktok Commercials: Small Business Uber Alles!

 


It's actually more than that- without Tiktok, not only might Kathy's Kwirky Kupcakes and all other small businesses cease to exist (after all, they never existed before Tiktok, did they?) but nobody will give to charity anymore.  Hell, nobody will even TALK to each other any more.  The world will fall into chaos if this particular property of the Chinese Communist Party is banned in the United States.  I wouldn't be surprised to see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding through the sky as cats and dogs marry each other if the ban goes through.

Let's be honest, shall we?  This has nothing to do with small businesses, charitable foundations, or any of that stuff which was doing just fine before this particular brain worm infested American culture starting in the late summer of 2017.  It doesn't even have to do with what Tiktok is primarily used for in my wonderful country- for Main Characters to blather their narcissism to the planet in the desperate hope of being found interesting by another human being for once.  Nope, this investment to convince Americans that Tiktok is a vital part of what they pathetically refer to as their "lives" has to do with our principle economic and military rival's natural right to mine information from the residents of the richest nation on Earth.  

I don't want an American company to have access to my private information, but I'd rather replace the walls of my home with glass than hand over my favorite flavor of ice cream to China, thanks anyway. And all you wannabee Henry Fords and pop stars who think that your selfish interests are more important than privacy- you idiots disgust me to no end.  Grab your passport, pack it away with your self-importance and head for more inviting shores.  Neither you nor your sacred small business will be missed.  

Saturday, March 30, 2024

Walmart Plus-Sized Commercial



1.  A Walmart Plus membership (which I didn't even know was a thing) costs $98 per year.  According to the lunatic with a mike, you can get that membership for free and all you have to do is change your cellular service to this other provider.  Is that other provider any good?  How much does IT cost?  We aren't told.  I guess it isn't all that important.

2.  Notice something about all the customers in this ad?  They don't look like anyone I've ever seen at Walmart.  For one thing, they are a lot- um, let's say "paler" than the great majority of Walmart-ers I've noticed.  For another, although none of them look in very good shape, none of them are riding mobility scooters or look like they shop at Walmart to save their money for insulin.  It's kind of depressing that we barely notice that everyone in this ad is fat, because they aren't THAT fat, which means they are- doing well?  

3.  Walmart Plus includes Free Delivery.  Because leaving home is a pain.  Especially when you are focused on the couch and whatever is on that glowing screen you like to watch while shoving carbs and sugar down your cake hole.  Ah, that must be why these people aren't morbidly obese- they don't have Walmart Plus yet and actually have to still get their butts to the store.  Let's check on their blood sugar and fatty liver issues a year after they take advantage of this "great offer" and are doing all of their shopping online like good little zombies. 

Friday, March 29, 2024

Nobody is "alive" in this Xfinity ad

 


Trigger Warning:  Boomer Rant Coming Up!

When I was a kid, any "streaming" involved wading in the local creek.  If I walked through a dark house and saw everyone in my family lying around, it meant that everyone was reading or listening to music.  If everyone was in one room, we were probably watching tv together.  Note that last word- together. 

Now we get "what a time to be alive" from a dead-eyed kid wandering around a house noting that every single person in that house is becoming a potato while staring at their own personal glowing screen.  I'm not at all sure why any of them are in the same room- they certainly aren't interacting.  Hell, they are barely breathing.  Nothing must interfere with the inert consumption of whatever is on those screens.  

For some reason, this commercial is supposed to appeal to the people who pay the bills in houses like this and encourage them to make it possible for their families to "enjoy" a level of "accessibility" offered by the ad.  Because it's an amazing "time to be alive," we should be spending as much of that time splayed out on couches in dark rooms wasting our youth, encouraging our brains and muscles to atrophy.  Truly a triumph of the modern age- not high-speed broadband, but the successful marketing of such a loathsome product.  

Put that junk down and go outside, you ridiculous numpties!

This is weird even for you, McDonald's

 


This commercial is basically admitting that McDonald's French Fries are intentionally engineered to be addictive and binge-promoting, because it's just Good Capitalism to make a food product that triggers a dopamine response and encourages overconsumption.  These fried potato sticks are not satiating; they are oil and air and a little potato with just the right amount of salt and the perfect mouth feel to make the victim customer go back again and again to recreate that pleasurable sensation until the carton is empty- and then, in the best case scenario, go back for more.  

Imagine if this was an ad for whiskey that featured a disembodied voice asking "you people who take a sip, or a single shot, and then call it a night- how do you do that?  Who ARE you?"  Or perhaps a commercial for crack cocaine with the same message- "you tried it once and never went back?  You are so WEIRD!"

Or an ad featuring pressed and shaped potato flakes that used the catchphrase "once you pop, you can't stop."  Oh wait....we already have that....

Saturday, March 23, 2024

The weird mixed message in this TurboTax Commercial

 


Marcus is not a "connoisseur of anything free."  He's a hoarder of other people's garbage.  If you throw it away, Marcus will snatch it up.  He doesn't care about quality, he doesn't care about taste, and he doesn't care if what he's picking up off the street is practical or useful.  If it's free, he's going to lug it home and find a place for it amongst the rest of the rubble he's retrieved from every street corner, dumpster or Facebook Marketplace Please Take This Awful Thing Away I Am Moving And Don't Want To Pay To Have It Removed post he can find.  If Marcus can lug it off on foot or jam it into the back of his car, it's gone.  No questions asked.

But Marcus takes this obsession with free junk to his approach to tax preparation services.  I use TurboTax every year, and have since around 2010.  I think it's an easy-to-use program and because I don't own anything and don't have any kids or one of those spouse things I can do my very simple taxes in about an hour using their basic package.  But the "free" edition is free of pretty much everything you want in something as important as a tax filing- you can't e-file, Turbotax will not check or back up the accuracy of your numbers, and no electronic copy will be saved outside of your own computer.  It's basically just a word processing program that allows you to do all the work yourself, including printing copies and mailing them by hand- and hoping your refund doesn't get sent to the wrong address or stolen from your box. 

In other words, the "free" edition is every bit as much trash as that ugly ceramic ice cream cone or fire-hazard ancient lamps or mold-infested recliner Marcus dragged home because he's an ill person.  Is this the message you wanted to send, TurboTax?  "As long as you like free trash, here's some more?"

In short, it's a really bad way to save money.  I put it right up there with using a third-party company to book important plane tickets instead of going through the carrier or regularly flying Stand By- it's a really penny-wise, pound-foolish gamble that I'm not going to take, ever.  It costs me about a hundred bucks every year to do my taxes with TT but I know some program has looked them over, I haven't missed anything, and my past returns are saved forever if the IRS ever decides that because I'm not very wealthy or very poor they better check to make sure I'm paying my fair share.  You get what you pay for, and accurate tax prep, e-filing and direct deposit are worth paying for.  Stop being an idiot, Marcus. 


Friday, March 22, 2024

Pringles. As with all successful illicit drugs, once you pop, you can't stop!

 


As near as I can figure, the guy in this ad is the very last white person on the planet to become acquainted with the artwork on a can of Pringle's.  And he's staring at it wondering if he'd have a shot at winning a settlement in a lawsuit against Kellogg's for Unauthorized Use of Likeness. 

Personally, I'm more perplexed at the popularity of greasy pressed potato and rice flakes and corn starch stacked in an oily can, designed to be eaten quickly (before that anti-Capitalist Full Feeling can catch up to the very pro-Capitalist Dopamine centers of our brains.)  Maybe it's all that salt?  Only the evil chemists who developed this crap know for sure. 

That Stupid Buffalo Wild Wings Commercial is Stupid.

 


All I get out of these Buffalo Wild Wings Commercials is that eating at  Buffalo Wild Wings is a dirty, noisy, unsanitary and uncomfortable experience in which one can expect to get jostled and interrupted while getting fur in one's food and probably getting one's overpriced beer spilled over everywhere because a stupid CGI buffalo is roaming around causing havoc everywhere it goes.

Oh, and that YouTube commentators continue to be the saddest mouth-breathers outside of the average Trump rally. 

Thursday, March 21, 2024

This Weird Honey Bunches of Oats Commercial.

 


Yeah, don't just eat oats.  Eat oats drenched in sugar.  I guarantee that if you are the kid who gained fifty pounds of adipose tissue and is on insulin before the Senior Prom, she'll notice you.*  I do NOT guarantee that the attention you get will be positive, however.

Seriously, I've checked out Honey Bunches of Oats.  They taste really, really good.  That's because they are really sweet.  Sugar tastes good, in case you were born on another planet and weren't aware.  It has absolutely zero positive impact on your health, however.  I suggest that this kid finds some other way to get the object of his attraction to notice him that doesn't include taking on crap eating habits.  

*actually, I shouldn't guarantee this.  If this kid goes to a typical American high school, it's entirely possible that morbidly obese kids already on insulin are depressingly common.  


Wednesday, March 20, 2024

Just a few quick points about this DraftKings Commercial

 


1.  I can't imagine anyone thinking that there's anything funny about watching a multimillionaire go on and on about an addictive gambling app that certainly ruined lives in 2023 and will continue to ruin lives in 2024.

2.  I really, really hope that the posts in the comment section are all bots.  Because this....this is beyond sad.  "I died when I saw this."  "This is a Superbowl ad, this is so funny, screw watching the game..." etc. etc. etc.  If these are actual human beings posting these responses I weep for our nation.  You people need serious help. 

Sunday, March 17, 2024

Gentrification.com

 


So an elderly black guy just trying to play chess with himself (I guess) in his neighborhood park finds himself harassed to distraction by some privileged white woman who wants to know if his neighborhood is good enough for her to move into and ruin.  No doubt she wants to know if there's a Trader Joe's, Whole Foods and Starbucks within walking distance, not that she'll ever actually walk to any of them, and if most people in the vicinity are as, um, coffee-colored as he is. 

Eventually she's reminded that she's rich and white and there's this company that is perfectly happy to do all of her searching for her- a company that's going to land a helicopter practically on top of the poor black man she's been condescending to talk to and whisk her away to Just The Right Neighborhood - that is, a neighborhood that has enough minorities to allow her to Virtue Signal but not enough to make her feel nervous as she walks from her BMW to the front door of the Brownstone she got a great deal on because the previous owners got hit hard by Covid and a lack of generational wealth. 

Saturday, March 16, 2024

Uber Eats "Solves" a problem nobody has

 


The bottom line to this typically overproduced (it was, after all, a Superbowl ad) idiocy is:  don't forget Uber Eats delivers food so you don't have to get up off the couch except to go answer the door, ever.

Don't worry, Uber Eats.  Americans are well aware that it's never been easier to be immobile.  First there were restaurants.  Then fast-food restaurants.  Then drive-thrus, because who has time/energy to walk into a building these days We Are All So Very Very Busy After All.  We've had pizza delivery for more than fifty years.  And now- with a special boost from that Disease That Shall Not Be Named- we have Door Dash and Uber Eats, so when we "don't feel like" cooking and also "don't feel like" driving to a fast food place and "don't feel like" just going to sleep instead of eating AGAIN and "don't feel like" doing without ANYTHING EVER, we can just swipe an App on our phones (we always feel like doing that) and strip ourselves of even more disposable income by making an impulse purchase of empty calories so we don't get distracted from Netflix or that video game we are NOT addicted to so Shut Up.  

Oh and these two people were on some inexplicably popular Seinfeld rip-off from the 1990s.  One of them has had something of a career since then, though not much unless you compare it to the other guy's.  Remember?  Me neither, actually. 

Friday, March 15, 2024

Just a few quick questions about this Discover Card Commercial.

 


1.  Who is Jennifer Coolidge?  Am I supposed to know, or care?  What was she in that I would have seen if I went to the theater or watched network television?  Or was she on some show that's only on a streaming service, of which I have zero?  Ok, that's a lot more than one question but they all really boil down to one.

2.  Why is this person calling Discover?  We never find out.  She's too engrossed in a conversation with what may or may not be an actual human.  I wonder if she even remembers the purpose of her call.  Considering that she seems to be calling from her kitchen at 2 AM, maybe she just called to hear a human voice.  Or a robot voice.  Either way, kind of sad.

3.  Is this supposed to be funny?  If so, funny to whom, exactly?  I can't ask YouTubers because the comments are turned off.  

4.  Why are there a whole series of these commercials?  What is going on here?  Are these the ads that convinced Capital One to buy this card?  So many questions, so few answers.  So little point. 

Thursday, March 14, 2024

Wendy's March Madness Commercial: Making Obesity Great Again

 


Personally, if a couple of obviously mentally deranged lunatics ran up to me while I was trying to eat my greaseburger at my local Wendy's and proceeded to rant about Whatever, I'd get out of there fast.  I sure wouldn't remind myself to come back.  And I'd be absolutely horrified to find that the people standing in front of my table and yelling at me where the same people who prepared my food.  Um, pass.

But it sure is good to know that Wendy's has made it cheap to eat life-shortening crud in large quantities again, just like in the good old days before the Pandemic that Shall not be Named and the onslaught of inflation.  Take that Biden!


Sunday, March 10, 2024

Paramount+Superbowl+Familiar Actors+Absolutely No Ideas= A Really, Really Stupid Commercial

 


I really don't have much to add after watching a commercial that just keeps repeating "this is as stupid as it gets" and then replying to itself "hold my beer."  I can only be grateful that Paramount didn't decide to make this ad any longer, because I have zero doubt that, given more time, it would have broken every record for Sustained Pointlessness out there.

Just wondering how producers who find their operating costs slashed by Paramount feel after watching this banal waste of several million dollars.  I bet a thoroughly educational documentary could have been made just for the CGI budget.  

Saturday, March 9, 2024

Delightfully Understated Sexism from Select Insurance

 


Hey look, it's another commercial featuring an idiot dad who keeps screwing up until mom takes control of the situation and sets everything right.  Never seen that in a commercial before, have we?

Seriously, though- this guy starts off by suggesting everything is fine while the car he presumably bought (I don't see mom taking any part in the choice of car purchases until the very end) is way too small for his daughters.  Then he comes home with a Jeep, which gets a thumbs-down from Mom (at this point we really wonder why she doesn't just go with the guy to get a car or leave him at home and pick it out herself- is she afraid he'll accidentally kill himself or the kids while she's gone?)

Everything gets resolved when MommyWife finally drags her stupid BoyHusband to a Select Insurance Agent who is, thankfully, a female so she doesn't have to worry about Dopey Worthless Man being enabled by another Dopey Worthless Man behind a desk.  It all works out because Dad takes a back seat and lets the Women set things straight.  Yay.  

Now if we can just keep dad- who has to drive the new car because He's The Guy After All- from wandering off and buying a boat or a motorcycle on a whim because Guys Are Stupid, this family should be ok.  


At Sonic, it's never been cheaper to kill yourself with food

 


If you actually consume this entire two-for-$7 deal* you'll be taking in more than 2000 calories, fully half of which consists of fat- and a lot of that fat is the saturated kind.  And I'm being generous and assuming that the drink is a calorie-free diet soda.  It's basically an entire day's worth of calories for an active adult- and don't tell me that anyone who would actually ingest this crap is making this their only meal of the day.

I suppose this would be ok as a once-a-year treat, but Sonic isn't selling this as a once-a-year treat.  Sonic would like you to see this as a perfectly reasonable meal option.  Never mind that it's only reasonable if you are struggling to gain weight or have just given up on life altogether.  This kind of "food" would leave me completely exhausted minutes after eating it, and very very hungry only a few hours later.   In short, it's a bad deal all around.

*And don't even try to tell me that Sonic expects two people to share this meal.   There's only one drink here.  Nope- if two people waddle into Sonic for this deal, Sonic expects each person to hand over $7- plus a few more bucks for the two drinks not included.  

Friday, March 8, 2024

Southwest Airlines: No fees...but maybe, no seat either?

 


Here's another one of those stupid ads that uses the "real people being flummoxed by ridiculous rules/questions/policies etc." meme that we've seen a hundred times already, pounding the "we're better because we don't have this stuff" message into our brains over and over again- a message we GET ten seconds in but for some reason are subjected to for a full minute Because We Dumb.

Setting aside the fact that nobody with two functioning brain cells would believe for one moment that these are Real People Not Wannabee Actors following a script, let's talk about Southwest Airlines' "No Hidden Fees" claim for a moment, shall we?

It's true that Southwest Airlines won't charge you for an ice cube.  Neither will any other airline, but whatever.  It's also true that Southwest Airlines won't charge you for trying to sit wherever you want on the plane.  That's not because Southwest Airlines is "nice," it's because Southwest Airlines is CHEAP and leaves the fighting over seats to you and your fellow passengers.  Like walking down an aisle trying to find an empty seat is superior to just going to the one you know is waiting for you.  Please.  

But I wonder why we don't see one of these "actors" being told that they are so fat that they are spilling into someone else's seat, and need to buy another seat rather than commit second degree assault on a fellow passenger.  Because Southwest Airlines has a "Passenger of Size" policy in which a (let's use the current preferred terminology) "Person in a Larger Body" may be given a free extra seat (or even TWO  free extra seats) if they are too big to fit in one.  They can either request this seat in advance, or pay for an extra seat(s) and then get a refund after the flight.  

Why don't you mention this in the ad, Southwest Airlines?  Is it because this policy has actually lead you to BOOT PEOPLE OFF YOUR FLIGHTS in order to make room for- um- "People in Larger Bodies?"  Like the family mentioned in the story linked below?  

Personally, when I rent a seat on a plane I only expect two things, and neither is a free ice cube:  I expect every inch of the space I rent, and I expect to have that seat ready for me and only me when I arrive at the airport.  Southwest Airlines guarantees neither.  And I can tell you right now- a free ice cube isn't going to cut it as compensation when I'm sitting at the gate waiting for another flight because Southwest Airlines has a policy which favors someone who had to ask for two seatbelt extenders.  


Sunday, March 3, 2024

The Problem With Lizzo

 


No, it's not that at one point in this stupid ad she seems to be ordering a "French boy."  I'm pretty sure I heard that correctly.  Nor is it her current lawsuit issues, though they do factor in.  

The problem Lizzo is going to have in 2024 is with that part of her audience whose devotion to her had absolutely nothing to do with her music and everything to do with her image as an excessively heavy but extremely active woman who had made a fortune on stage without "buying in" to "socially acceptable fitness standards" (I'm quoting self-labeled fat activists here.)  And from what I've seen from Tiktok and YouTube, this is a significant portion of that audience.

Lizzo has a LOT of fans who are either extremely overweight or consider themselves "allies" to people "living in a larger body."  Over the past few years, many of them have accused their hero's detractors of "hating on Lizzo" because she is very fat.  Some of them even say that they aren't fans of Lizzo's music but will go to the mat against anyone who dares criticize Lizzo because Fat People and Their Allies Must Stick Together. 

But there's one thing that "Fat Activists" hate more than detractors, and that's when their fat icons go on weight-loss journeys.  And we've finally gotten to Lizzo's 2024 problem:  the musician, who is six weeks away from her 36th birthday, has apparently decided that the health consequences of being morbidly obese are not for her, and she's on a mission to change her body while she still can.   It was one thing to hear Lizzo accused of fat-shaming her dancers- that could be dismissed as mere gossip by the haters.  But when the pounds start to drop off, and Lizzo inevitably signs a promotional deal with Ozempic and clothing company that doesn't go higher than XXL, the bile is going to rise like lava in Vesuvius circa 79 AD.  

Here's hoping that Lizzo's explanation for the turnabout is "it's none of your damn business and I don't owe you an explanation," because that would be very accurate.  In any case, the reaction from some of the "activists" who infest the medias of Social will be entertaining to watch.  

In short, the problem with Lizzo is not Lizzo's problem at all.  She has every right to come to the rescue of her own body even if she can still walk and hasn't even had a heart attack yet.  The problem really belongs to the people who held her up as some kind of fat mascot to hold up to the world as an example of what fat people can do (for a while, until reality catches up to them.)  They'll be very vocal about the "betrayal."  Frankly, I can't wait. 

Saturday, March 2, 2024

KFC: Right, it's not pizza. It's poison

 


Brought to you from the same people who brought us:

Macaroni and cheese and fried chicken in the same bowl.

"Sandwiches" consisting of bacon, cheese and fatty sauce between two pieces of boneless fried chicken.

A fried chicken pot pie served with a chocolate cookie served up as a "meal."

I could go on.  But the point is- fried chicken slavered with cheese and pepperoni should come as no surprise to anyone.  I mean, we already live in a country where Taco Bells are open 24/7 and butter-infused ground beef is a selling point.  

We are in deep, deep trouble.  And no, we are NOT getting Universal Health Care until we turn this thing around.  I am NOT paying for this kid's angioplasty.  Oh, and grandma?  Someone in this family was responsible for teaching this kid how to eat.  Maybe it wasn't you, but it was your son or your daughter.  They failed.  Hard. 

Airborne Narcissism

 


This is what we know about Kelly Rowland:  She sees herself as a Superstar Super-Influencer Supermom who is very very eager to attend what might as well be called the KELLY Rowland family reunion so that she can fling herself about as if she's the center of the universe and the only real reason to even HAVE a family reunion, but ONLY if she can armor herself against the germs of the Non-Influencer Nobodies who happen to share her DNA.  She is, after all, Kelly Rowland, Superstar Super-Influencer Supermom. 

So thanks to Airborne, the supporting characters of Kelly Rowland's life are graced by Kelly Rowland's presence, and she'll make damn sure everyone is aware of it by trying to be everywhere all at once, no doubt live-streaming the entire event for her audience of I'm Not Even Going To Look It Up Many mouth-breathers on Tiktok or YouTube or Wherever.   Because we're all just background noise in the long-running Saga of Kelly Rowland, Legend in her Own Mind.  

 

Friday, March 1, 2024

Another Obnoxious Rinvoq Commercial? Check!

 

I don't know about you, but there's very little I care about less than rich people having lives which seem to consist entirely of safaris, beaches and ski resorts be interrupted by frequent trips to the g--d--- bathroom.  The idea that some pharmaceutical company may have set aside research into drugs that might someday cure Alzheimer's or Type I Diabetes in order to pump money into removing an annoyance from entitled brats like the horrible, horrible people who infest these ads makes me physically sick. 

I mean, wear a damn Depends under your $2000 ski gear, you ridiculous knobs.  

A Friday morning rant from an angry boomer with a blog?  CHECK!


Monday, February 26, 2024

PreserVision Commercials are weird

 


Every single one of them portray panicky Senior Citizens who have decided that they are about to go blind because of some eye condition they may or may not get because they are old but are then "relieved" to learn that there's these over-the-counter drops they can take to reduce their chances of, um, going blind.  It's like telling someone that if they don't drink water they'll die of dehydration, but here's a quick and easily obtainable solution:  Water.  

Meanwhile, can we please stop wasting time and start tackling real problems faced by Seniors?  Like Robot Attacks, for example.   It's nice that Old Glory Insurance is available, but how about some preventive measures?


Sunday, February 25, 2024

Another Blast from the Past with a Progresso Soup Commercial from 1999

 


In this vintage ad, a guy at the office is perfectly happy with his bowl of soggy noodles in salty water for lunch, because he's been eating this stuff since he was a kid and didn't realize that his mother was constantly too hungover to put together a decent meal.  Again.  So it's become kind of a comfort food for him.  I just wonder where the saltines are (as if there's not enough sodium in a can of Campbell's Used To Be Something Resembling Pasta Condensed Soup Product already.)

He's perfectly happy- that is, until some nosy coworker barges in to condescendingly "remind" him that he's an "adult" now and "adults" don't eat Campbells because they've developed taste buds and realize that (despite the salt) there is absolutely no taste to Campbells Chicken Noodle Soup.  Turns out that once he reached a certain age, he was supposed to switch to Progresso, which as near as I can tell is exactly the same thing except with less water and bigger chunks of soggy, saturated vegetables which may have been nutritious when they were sealed into those cans months earlier but now have only slightly less liquid content than the water they are sitting in.  It's still tasteless swill and not at all a practical meal to consume at one's desk, but it's what Grown Ups are supposed to eat So There.

I have no idea why this woman feels entitled to tell her coworker what he's "supposed" to be eating for lunch; if she is really bothered by his consumption of canned soup, I'd think it would have more to do with it stinking up the breakroom and constantly leaving nasty residue in the common microwave.   At which point, she might suggest he make the soup at home in the morning and carry it to work in a thermos like a Good Boy.  Or, if she were a real friend, she'd suggest he eat something that will carry him through dinner- like a sandwich and a piece of fruit.  Best of all, she could just mind her own damn business and stop pushing her preferred brand of soup at people.  At this point, I'm just imagining that these two ended up getting married because she decided that was the only way she could get him to act like her own personal version of an Adult Man  in every situation. 

Saturday, February 24, 2024

Pluto TV is PROUD to be part of the problem

 


Multiple problems, actually...

America has never been fatter or less mobile than it is in 2024.  "Binge watching" and "Channel Surfing" has replaced walking and generally being outdoors as our nation's favorite pastime (today so called because time passes even when you are doing nothing.)  And it's not about aesthetics- being overweight is linked to literally HUNDREDS of preventable illnesses.  Heart Disease, Cancer, and Strokes- all strongly linked to obesity- are three of the top four causes of death in the United States.  The other one is COVID which- guess what?- is far more dangerous if you are carrying an excess of adipose tissue. 

Americans have never felt more socially isolated (let's just call it Lonely) than they do in 2024.  Might have something to do with texts replacing face to face conversations, the internet replacing human contact, zoom meetings replacing...well, you get it.  And it's starting earlier and earlier - just check out how many preteens keep themselves glued to electronic best friends these days.  And know what more and more people are using to soothe the pain of isolation?  Cheap, processed, highly palatable chemicals disguised as Food Product.  Which is the perfect thing to binge on while you're already bingeing on television.

This commercial is like if Marlboro made an ad featuring a farm "harvesting" black lungs and played it off as "funny."  All in the service of Capitalism, I guess.  And the people who are applauding this garbage in the comment section?  Yeah, you guys suck, too.  It's bad enough to be played - you don't have to appreciate the company that's encouraging you into an early grave. 


Friday, February 23, 2024

Temu's "Shop like a Billionaire" Superbowl Ad is a celebration of mindless indulgence

 


Is Temu just Chinese for "Amazon," or what?  I mean, it doesn't seem to be offering anything that Amazon didn't "gift" civilization with more than a decade ago- a really quick way to make impulse buys of cheap crap produced by child labor with the touch of a screen.  I guess Temu just concentrates on all of the amazing "crafts" and clothes that are being disgorged from factories stretching from Manchuria to Senegal?  The very best that tiny little hands can sew and stitch and nail together?

"Shop like a Billionaire" sounds like "shop like money means nothing to you," which sounds cool but for the vast majority of us, money is actually a pretty finite asset that we have to spend carefully to get us from month to month.  Making it super-easy to buy stuff doesn't magically put more of it in our pockets.  Some of us have to actually pay our debts; it sounds like the only billionaire* Temu wants us to shop like is that guy who used to be President of the United States.

And I'm no worshipper of small businesses, but this has to be the most anti-small business, anti- "shop locally" commercial I've ever seen.  Want something available at the store down the street?  Buy a slightly cheaper-at-point-of-contact-but-not-cheaper-in-the-long-run version from your phone and get it sent to you from the other side of the planet at enormous cost TO that planet.  Because that's what a billionaire would do, I guess. 

*not actually a billionaire, like, ever. 

Thursday, February 22, 2024

eTrade, Pickleball, the Superbowl, and a world of Dumb.

 


Hey look eTrade is at it again- exploiting toddlers willing to be exploited by their disgusting greedy parents to sell a brokerage service.  Oh, the hilarity. 

In reality, this is another slightly-amusing idea long since beaten into the ground nevertheless resurrected to be turned into a thirty-second ad to be played during the most overrated sporting event of the year: small children being manipulated by a combination of awful parents, an awful ad agency, and and awful CGI to generate yuks from the mouth-breathers in the audience who wonder why the stream of rib-splitting Funny is constantly being interrupted by some Sports Thing which itself is being regularly interrupted by Taylor Swift Sightings.

Anyway, here are some kids trying to play Pickeball because Pickleball is a craze right now, I guess.  And use eTrade.  For Reasons.

Sunday, February 18, 2024

Pizza Hut completes the trifecta, and it's no honey

 


Having already established itself in the niche market of peddling poison in the form of processed carbohydrates and fat, Pizza Hut ups the ante by adding sugar to it's baked Death Discs.  What else was it going to do?  Put cheese IN the crust?

To be fair, there was already plenty of sugar on those things- primarily in the "tomato" sauce.  But there's no such thing as too much sucrose, especially now that we know how incredibly addictive (more than heroin or cocaine) it is.  So "for a limited time," we've got pizza drenched in honey "infused" with haberno peppers "to provide just the right balance of sweet and hot," or something.  

Someone else will have to tell me if this junk actually tastes good- honey on a pizza doesn't have any attraction to me, even if it was being offered by an actual pizza place and not being mass produced by a Diabetes Factory like Pizza Hut.  Neither does chronic inflammation, heart disease, or any of the other side effects of eating trash like the stuff dumped into the American diet by Pizza Hut, Domino's, Taco Bell, etc.  I like being able to tie my shoes, walk up a flight of stairs without breaking into a sweat, and getting up from a chair on the first try.  I'm kind of weird that way. 

Saturday, February 17, 2024

State Farm, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the ultimate* one-joke Super Bowl Commercial

 


Arnold Schwarzenegger pronounces the word "neighbor" differently from most people currently living in the United States.  He doesn't pronounce it "wrong," he pronounces it differently.

Isn't that hilarious?  Well, it better be- because it's a "joke" that has to carry this overproduced mess of a commercial for an entire sixty seconds.  No kidding- this doesn't get strung out for ten seconds, or even twenty.  We are supposed to find this amusing for sixty seconds.  

Oh and here's Danny DeVito, because he costarred with Schwarzenegger in an overrated comedy during the Bush Administration.  The FIRST one.  So it's funny.  See how that works?

*to be fair, it's really hard to pick which Superbowl commercial is the "ultimate" in beating a single joke to death.  One Joke Stretched out Way Past It's Amusing Point is the common thread connecting pretty much all Superbowl ads.  This is true for primarily two reasons:  First, the ad agency has been handed a lot of money and is obligated to do something impressive with it that also fills every second of the paid-for time.  Second, the ad agency hasn't the slightest clue how to go about filling that time.  They can't do grandmas chasing a bag of State Farm Insurance, and eTrade is already using disgusting CGI-aided toddlers.  So it's Schwarzenegger, DeVito, one stupid joke repeated multiple times, and crossed fingers that 1980s nostalgia comes to the rescue again.

Friday, February 16, 2024

That RFKjr. Superbowl Ad Really Inspired Me!

 


If you want a man for President
Who's just a total loon
with takes on vax and other things 
to make Q-anoners swoon
A man who's like a warped guitar
forever out of tune
it's up to you 
it's up to you
it's strictly up to you....

If you want a man for President
who's slim and fit and tall
a man who doesn't have a clue
and nothing on the ball
sure he's a conspiracy freak and nut
(but Trump once won after all!)
it's up to you
it's up to you
it's strictly up to you... 

If you want a man for President
who isn't Just the Same
a man who's very much like Trump
but even more insane
A man who isn't much at all 
but check out that last name!
it's up to you 
it's up to you
it's strictly up to you....


Thursday, February 15, 2024

That Stupid Superbowl Doritos Ad....

 


Oh my god if I had a dime for every commercial that featured

1.  Overly aggressive senior citizens who I guess are supposed to be hi-LARIOUS because they are overly aggressive senior citizens,

2.  several changes in location suggesting a significant investment and production labor to beat a joke older than the senior citizens into the ground, and

3.  a wild chase to obtain Absolutely Nothing of Value Except It's the Last One on the Shelf (that schtick has so much mold on it it can probably cure every case of strep throat in 2024.)

Since nobody is going to make me rich by giving me those dimes, I'll just offer my take to the makers of Doritos:  We know you spent millions getting scientists to design your chips to be as addictive as possible- maybe showing senior citizens willing to kill themselves- and kill others- to get them isn't the best idea for an ad campaign.  But It's no less than I'd expect from a company determined to cash in on the obesity epidemic (or is it now Pandemic?)

Sunday, February 11, 2024

Transfixed on one second of this McDonald's Hamburgler-is-back commercial....

 


It's at the 21 second mark.  In the background, we see the blurry image of a single person who has both hands on the table and is staring down at her tray.

What is going on there?  Is she experiencing an epiphany- "oh my god, I am sitting here all by myself at McDonald's,  about to eat greasy, salty junk again?  What has gone wrong with my life?"

"Why am I sitting here with this food?  Why didn't I do what I usually do- use the drive-thru, then pull over to a parking space, consume my bag of overpriced trash, and then have a good cry, like I usually do?"

Or is it ""wait, didn't I order a hamburger?  Why isn't it sitting in front of me.  Maybe I didn't order it.  I don't really remember.  I often don't remember things I did two minutes ago; it might have something to do with a steady diet of empty carbohydrates, salt and fat and not enough actual food.  Oh well- I'm not going to waddle up to the counter and order that hamburger now.  Not in front of these other people.  And I can't just drink my not-milkshake and eat my fried potatoes and then use the drive-thru on the way out; the girl who hands me my bag might recognize me.  I'll just finish up here and then hit one of the other three McDonald's I pass on the way home."  

Whatever it is, it's really sad.  This blurry woman in the background needs help.  The kind of help she won't get from a Health At Every Size "life coach/nutritionist" on Tiktok.  The kind of help she won't get by ignoring nutrition advice from an ACTUAL doctor.  Certainly not the kind of help she'll get from consuming warm trash from McDonald's.  I suggest she seek medical attention, including therapy, to find other ways to cope that don't include clogging her arteries or seeking to dull the pain with "comfort food" that leaves her depressed and addicted.  Good luck to her. 

Saturday, February 10, 2024

Wendy's encourages us to start our days in the worst way possible

 


Because there's no better way to guarantee that you'll be exhausted, sluggish and hungry all day long than to start it with about a thousand calories' worth of fried potatoes, white starch and protein prepared in such a way as to completely eliminate the only somewhat beneficial ingredient of this breakfast.

I really hope that 2024 is the last year that Wendy's will be treating us to commercials featuring obviously mentally challenged weirdos whose entire personality is wrapped up in the fast "food" conglomerate their brains have been enslaved to.  I for one will not miss watching this sad group of exploited unfortunates gush about how amazing the chemicals they heat up for the "benefit" of their perpetually ill customers are at releasing dopamine as well as causing blood sugar spikes.  

And to that one guy who is fantasizing about the next time he gets to chow down on enough grease, salt and empty carbohydrates to choke a horse and clog a heart in no time flat- do you really need to crack that egg five inches from your face?  Is it really that fascinating?  If you have to do that, could you at least wear a mask?  Because if I saw you doing that in the back, it would absolutely confirm my decision to stick to my order of Just Black Coffee, please.*

*I haven't been inside a Wendy's for at least twenty years, so I don't even know if they have good coffee.  Some of these Obesity Delivery Centers have good coffee- like the one with golden arches.  Dunkin Donuts has good coffee, too.  And it won't kill you, like the fried garbage these people are forever gushing over. 

Friday, February 9, 2024

Still picking on SoFi- this guy has issues no bank can solve.

 


1.  Super-smart to do any kind of online banking while in public, using a public hotspot like the subway.  I get the idea that the reason this guy has debt issues in the first place is because of impulsive moves like this.

2.  This guy responds to "Welcome Points" by doing a dance through the train.  What are "Welcome Points?"  Who cares?   They sound so nice.  I get another idea- that this guy was sincerely flattered by the Love Bombing he got when he responded to an invitation to attend last Thursday's mass brainwashing session sermon at the local Kingdom Hall.  Not a whole lot going on in this guy's life, is there?

3.  When this guy finds out that he's accomplished absolutely nothing by moving his money from one bank to another, he'll probably respond by feeling betrayed by the Big Bad Banking Industry and consoling himself with an $8 latte at Starbucks.  Paid for with a credit card, of course. 

Thursday, February 8, 2024

That time of year again- more fun with Liberty Tax

 


Here we get the heartwarming, totally relatable story of a woman who was already the owner/operator of two franchise locations of some business doing something and who was so successful at her career that she decided to wander into a just-opened Liberty Tax office and apply for a job during the busy tax season.*

She goes on to tell us that she really learned a lot during her time at Liberty Tax- not so much about preparing taxes, but about the business of selling the public on the idea of getting someone else to prepare its taxes.  She doesn't tell us so, but it involves lots of big blue banners promising rapid refunds and deep discounts if you accept the most expensive "service" - never mind that nobody in their right mind with any kind of complicated tax situation would hire a company that opens offices in abandoned stores or any other empty space on a month-to-month basis, 99 percent of said offices vanishing after April 15 of each year.  We also don't see anyone dressed in a Statue of Liberty costume waving a WE PREPARE TAXES REAL CHEAP FREE COOKIES FOR THE KIDS sign out front.  Nope- just a dignified-looking woman pressing buttons on a keyboard and smiling at the sucker who came in thinking that they were going to get their taxes done quickly and correctly and maybe get a free cookie on the side.

Eventually, this woman opened her own Liberty Tax franchise, which concludes her awesome story of success with Liberty Tax, I guess.  It also concludes this post, but don't worry, I'm not done with Liberty Tax quite yet.  There's plenty of snark left to be mined beyond this woman's story.  

*seriously, how successful was this woman's business if getting into Liberty Tax was a step up?  Come clean, lady- you were a "franchisee" in HerbaLife, right?  Or Amway?  Or DoTerra?  Was it Mary Kay?  You can tell me.  I won't share it with anyone beyond this blog- and very, very few people read this blog. 


Sunday, February 4, 2024

Borrowing from Peter to pay Paul is the "grown up" solution, according to SoFi....

 


"My relationship with my credit cards wasn't good...."  

Translation:  "I kept using my credit cards recklessly.  For some reason, this was the fault of a bank that offered me unsecured loans at my own discretion, and little pieces of plastic in my wallet."

"I got into debt in college...."

Translation:  "I bought pizza and beer, but because I also happened to be enrolled in a four-year post-High School institution at the time, I am going to mention 'college' so that your brain thinks I was using the money for books or some other investment in my future.  This is all about me painting myself as a victim, after all."

"...and because of the high interest, no matter how much I paid, it followed me everywhere."

Translation:  "It was so unfair that every month I kept sending the minimum, despite having a substantial office job and a nice house in the suburbs, but the darn principal never went down.  And no matter where I went, I owed that money, which of course it did but Shut Up you're supposed to be feeling sorry for me by now."  

"between the high interest and fees, I felt trapped!"

Translation:  "Despite my college education, I couldn't grasp the concept of paying down my credit cards to avoid interest, or making payments on time to avoid fees.  It's easier to just complain like they are 'unfair' or something.  Relatable, too- there are a LOT of deadbeats honest Americans out there just like me, after all."

"...so I broke up with my credit card debt, and consolidated it into a low-rate personal loan from SoFi."

And here's the punchline to this unfunny joke:  This asshat with a nice job and a big house in the suburbs was being held down by his freely accrued debts, which totaled the life-crushing amount of....$4017.24.  That debt didn't stop him from buying that house.  It didn't stop him from doing ANYTHING.  He just found it annoying.  So he shifted it to an online bank which offered him a lower interest rate.  Which is fine in itself- if he's been paying on this debt for two decades (he said it started in college, and he looks like he's at least in his late-thirties now, and if he's younger than that and owns that house I hope a meteor is on its way ahead of schedule) and he still owes on it, he probably should have refinanced a long time ago.  But come on, SoFi- if you want your commercials to make even the slightest amount of sense in the real world, either add a few digits to this guy's debt (and put him in an apartment, not a damn house- I thought that his debt was "following him around"- why didn't it follow him to that bank's loan officer when he bought that house?  If it was "following him around," it sure didn't prevent him from taking on much more, substantial debt) or make him someone living in a studio apartment with two other people whose life would actually be changed by lower interest payments on a lousy four grand.  Because this- this makes NO sense. 

Saturday, February 3, 2024

I don't understand SoFi commercials at all....

 


"Little to no interest...." um yeah, that's been the case since like the 1940s.  Low interest rates for savings accounts are the price we pay for the security of our deposits.  Maybe you'd like to go back to pre Glass-Steagall when banks paid six percent interest- because they were as risky as any other business.  Personally, I'm kind of glad that I only see runs on banks in the annual showing of It's A Wonderful Life. 

And I'm sorry, but if you find yourself complaining about bank "fees" and how they "take and take," the problem really isn't the bank- it's your lousy spending habits.  The only "fees" I know of are for new checks (stop using checks.  Checks are dumb.  Checks are relics of the 20th century.  You are slowing down the line at the grocery store and everyone hates you.  Stop using checks) and overdraft fees (yeah, if you write a bad check or spend more on your debit card than you have in the bank, you are going to get dinged for that.  It's better than taking a hit on your credit rating, stupid.)  

All the bank does nowadays is provide you security and easy, 24/7 access to your money, plus the ability to move it around- also 24/7- whenever you want without leaving the comfort of your couch.  A fee because you take out more than you have?  How dare they. 


And if you really think that a bank that you can only talk to through an App or an Indian-based call center is an improvement over that awful awful brick-and-mortar building that was mean enough to charge you a fee when you failed to keep your checkbook balanced, well, you've got problems that switching to that bank won't solve.  Good luck with those.  




Friday, February 2, 2024

Remember the fat-free chips frenzy? More fun from the archives of old commercials that didn't age well

 


No, you aren't watching a commercial produced by the Re-Elect Ronald Reagan campaign of 1984, though if you only watch the first minute and a half or so you'd be forgiven for thinking you were.   Instead, this is an ad for one of the most misbegotten products to come out of the first decade of the post Cold War world- a soybean-based oil that could be used to produce fat-free potato chips like Olean and Lay's Wow.

Remember those?  Well, if you were alive and in the United States in 1998, you probably at least tried them once or twice.  They were a very popular go-to for people conned into believing that scientists had stopped wasting time trying to cure cancer (or AIDS) and had done something truly valuable with their time- found a way to allow us to stuff ourselves with cheap, salty, crispy snacks to our - well, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to say "heart's content" here, so I'll more accurately type "to our dopamine center's content."  

Most of us thought the flavor was just "bleh" and went right back to eating good old vegetable oil-crisped chips, as G-d Intended.  But some people were so desperate to avoid eating right and exercise and above all Moderation that they ignored the off-putting taste and continued to chow down on these crimes against nature.  Maybe they thought  diet of Olean chips and Snackwell's cookies would give them Kathy Ireland's body- and back then, pretty much all of us wanted Kathy Ireland's body for one reason or another.  

Then we realized that this Frankenstein's Monster Oil was wrecking havoc on our gut microbiome and our digestion or, more likely, way too many of just didn't like the taste, and these fat-free chips vanished from the market.  

A quarter of a century later, the obesity epidemic that was in it's infancy in the late 1990s has become American's No. 1 health problem, because while Snackwell's themselves didn't pan out (they didn't taste very good) the concept that created them- replace fat with sugar to con people into thinking it's more healthy- is alive and well and actually stronger than ever in the American marketplace.  I imagine it's only a matter of time before another "miracle" oil is invented* that tricks millions of gullible, desperate Westerners into slapping down the money they don't have for fresh fruits and veggies, healthy fats and a gym membership for that magic pill.

*there actually is a fat-free frying oil already available out there.  It even predates olestra.  It's called hot air.  

Thursday, February 1, 2024

From the archives of Ads That Didn't Age Well: Remember Snackwell Cookies?

 


These cookies were a product of the insane 1990s trend of stripping fat from snack foods and replacing it with something about 200 times more addictive and deadly- sugar.  So there is something especially disturbing about ads featuring crowds of fat women frantically hounding a company for more of that sweet, sweet sugar they think they can consume unlimited amounts of because, after all, it's non-fat.  

Thankfully the no-fat craze died a fairly quick death.  Unfortunately, it was not quick enough to prevent millions from becoming addicted to sugar and low-or-no fat, high sugar "healthy" products like yogurt and cereal and granola bars.  The women in these ads are fat- by 1990s standards.  They are slightly overweight by modern standards.  Snackwells are gone, but the problem they helped create is the No. 1 health issue in the Western World.  Thanks for nothing, American Snack Food Industry. 

Sunday, January 28, 2024

Progressive's "Don't Become Your Parents" commercials are ageist trash

 


Notice that none of these commercials make fun of actual Senior Citizens,  I suspect because that would not sit well with the audience.  Fortunately for Progressive, making fun of middle-aged people- especially middle-aged white men- is perfectly fine because I guess it's seen as a form of punching up.  And the viewer is just supposed to ignore the fact that values usually associated with The Greatest Generation are constantly being assigned to Boomers.  

For example, we see several of these ads featuring Funny Stupid Fifty-somethings incapable of using a Smart Phone properly- never mind that middle class fifty-somethings have owned Smart Phones since they were in their thirties.  Were they clueless about the tech then?  Is there some reason why they were unable to adapt to updated tech along with their younger fellow Smart Phone owners?  Give me a break. 

We also see a lot of other behavior typical of people who grew up in small towns in the 1930s and 40s being attributed to people born in the 1960s and 1970s- introducing yourself to the waiter, or saving butter containers for leftovers, etc. etc. etc.  I'm sixty years old- I don't save plastic containers for leftovers and I've never introduced myself to my waiter.  Then again, I know how to take a selfie, so I guess I'm an outlier....?

And here's another thing- all those clueless middle aged people Progressive is talking about seem to have nice homes, obtained through decades of hard work and savings- but instead of being admired for their hard work, diligence and frugality, they are being subjected to what looks for all the world like Re-Education Processing because they "don't understand" how the world of their grandchildren - who, again, are using the same tech they have been using since they were in their thirties- are using.  

In short, Progressive, maybe you could stop pretending that people around my age are stumbling around a world they don't understand clinging to silly values that have no relevance in today's Superior Younger Culture and just admit that you want to make fun of people who have been on Social Security for at least a decade.  Consumer Cellular does it all the time; I don't know why you are being so reticent.  

Saturday, January 27, 2024

Dr. Pepper's "Fansville" campaign has run out of ideas. So it will hang around for a few more years, of course.

 


Some jokes get stale and are thrown away.  Some are beaten to death.  Some are beaten to death, cremated, and then rise like a pigeon from the ashes (see the Geico Caveman.)

And then there are jokes like Dr. Pepper's "Fansville" ad campaign, which is entering it's sixth "season" (I believe the current title of the campaign is Ruining Your Football Viewing Experience Since 2018.)  The series that redefines the term "played" and necessitates me writing GO AWAY NOW in all-caps (the Mensa Squad from the Wendy's commercial will arrive at this level of played in 2024.)

Please, Dr.  Pepper.  ENOUGH ALREADY.  Yes, there will always be YouTube commentators who are willing to post how Hi-LARIOUS they find all this, but come on- those people like everything except finding things to do that don't involve watching tv or being online.  They should not count.  ENOUGH ALREADY.

Friday, January 26, 2024

The return of the Geico Caveman is so disjointed and confusing, I hardly know where to start...

 


Twenty-five years ago, we were treated to/tortured by a series of inane commercials about a caveman- and then a group of cavemen, because no stupid idea goes unbeaten into the ground in TV Ad Land- who got upset because they felt that Geico was being, um, racist or something in suggesting that cavemen can only do very easy things.  I guess that because it's now 2024, this current caveman- who I must say looks pretty good for a guy whose species only had a life expectancy of about 40 years- should not be referred to as "upset," but rather "triggered" or "traumatized" by a reminder that a quarter of a freaking century ago people who shared his, um, ethnicity(?) were treated like they were blacks in 1920s ad campaigns or women in 1950s ad campaigns.

But the "caveman" in this ad really shows his modern sensibilities by demonstrating that he is determined to take offense at Geico no matter what the insurance company does with his, um, heritage.  This guy didn't want to be associated with an ad campaign back during the Clinton Administration, but now he's peeved that a lizard is "getting credit" for being more "iconic" than he is?  So Geico is damned if they do, damned if they don't?  Someone at Geico's ad agency has been watching Tiktok and has a very strong and very accurate handle on current social media.  

I'll play along and ask what this woman sees in her caveman husband/boyfriend; he's a senior citizen for his species but he's still acting like a butthurt snowflake who is angry when he gets attention and angry when he doesn't.  And when I say "I'm asking," I'm speaking rhetorically; no, I don't really want to know, I don't want a series of commercials fleshing this out (I'm going to get them anyway, because the world hates me) and I'm pretty sure nobody wants a caveman tv show any more than we wanted one in the late-90s.  Remember that ill-conceived steaming pile of dung?  Geico hopes you don't, but just enjoy having your 1990s nostalgia bone tickled by the return of of something nobody missed. 

Monday, January 22, 2024

Applebee's Shows Zero R-E-S-P-E-C-T

 


Never a fan of Ms. Franklin or this song, but I know she has millions of fans who must be suffering terminal cringe a commercial using her signature piece to sell cheap, fatty fried garbage drizzled with sugar from the restaurant you bring grandma to because it's a small step up from Golden Corral, which is itself a small step up from Burger King.   Playing during every freaking commercial break of every NFL playoff game this weekend. 

Nobody cares if a pharmaceutical company wants to use Pilot's Magic song, because nobody remembers that song, and nobody liked it when it was on the radio fifty years ago.  This is a bit different, don't you think?

Sunday, January 21, 2024

Dairy Queen asks too much of my ability to suspend disbelief

 

I don't know about you, but I'M not buying the concept of fried potatoes AND fried onions AND fried chicken paste on one plate.  Maybe such a thing exists in heaven, or Shangri-La, or some other imaginary place, but not on Earth and certainly not in America.  

Call me an empiricist, but I'll believe in a thing when I see it.  I know that anything can be created with CGI these days.  Nice try, Dairy Queen, but I don't believe you or anyone else is serving up such a unique combination until I can find a Dairy Queen myself- and it's not going to be good enough to see it on the menu.  I want to see it on a plate or in a basket, or I'm not buying it (I'm not buying it anyway, since I'd like to live to a ripe old age, but you know what I mean.)

Saturday, January 20, 2024

National Debt Relief. Yes, here comes another Boomer Rant...

 


"Being debt is such a struggle..." Actually, being in debt is very, very easy- so easy, in fact, that most Americans have found themselves in exactly that situation with little or no effort at all.  It just requires spending more than what you have.  It can be made more fun by complaining about it and pretending that its someone else's fault ("Society" and "The Economy" are the main go-to's in this regard, just a free tip there) but that's not necessary unless you want to be one of the whiny* entitled idiots featured in a Debt Relief Commercial.

Here's what's hard- living within your means.  Unless you've got family to sponge off of, or know how to fill out all those forms to let the government take care of you, or you are one of these people and are just going to keep widening that gap between what you earn and what you spend, you are going to have to Do Without until you can increase the money coming in until it exceeds the money going out.  Amazingly, there is no end to the number of people perfectly willing to be sponges.  What they lack in initiative and energy they make up with an overabundance of entitlement and finger-pointing.  

Know who pays for debt relief?  People who don't use it.  We get higher interest rates because the credit card companies that cut deals with scofflaws aren't going to swallow the loss all by themselves.  And know what lesson is learned through debt relief?  That debt is no big deal and Someone Else will take care of it when it seems out of control- which only happens when Big Mean Banks stop offering credit.  What a great lesson for today.

*Actually, I'd appreciate it if these guys were a little more whiny and less chirpy and happy about getting some company to negotiate a write-off of thousands of dollars of debt that they never suggest is anything but 100 percent legitimate.  Even the smallest acknowledgement that the problem was self-inflicted and something to avoid, instead of the "I got divorced, I'm a single mom, I got sick, Things HappenTM" drivel, would make me a LITTLE sympathetic.  Instead, you get the sense that these people haven't learned a damn thing and will be back calling for "Debt Relief" inside of two years.  And absolutely positive that they "deserve it." 

Friday, January 19, 2024

Oh Oh Oh Ozempic is the gift that just keeps giving

 


"Ozempic can be used to prevent high blood sugar, which can result in serious heart ailments.  It also can help some patients lose weight."

Prospective patient:  "How much weight?"

"Um...patients on Ozempic have reported losing ten percent or more of their body weight. It also helps prevent Type 2 Diabetes, which has been connected to an increased risk of strokes and heart attacks..."

PP:  "What if I take a double dose every week?  Can I lose more weight?"

"OD'ing on Ozempic is not recommended.  Did I mention that taking Ozempic can lower the damage caused by hormonally active adipose tissue, which decreases mobility and may lead to serious issues like hardened arteries?"

PP:  "So how do I get a prescription for Ozempic?"

"Ask your doctor if Ozempic is right for you."

PP:  "It's right for me.  I am fat.  So I just tell my doctor to prescribe Ozempic and if he refuses- or even hesitates- do a little doctor-shopping until I find one more enlightened to the benefits of Ozempic, right?"

"Um...yeah, I guess.  It's a great drug for treating Type 2 Diabetes..."

PP:  "I don't know that that diababies thing is, but I want to look cut this summer.  I'm getting Ozempic."

"Yeah, I hear that a lot.  Not really sure why our commercials even mention the other stuff.  After all, if Americans were concerned about strokes and diabetes, we wouldn't be on"e of the fattest nations on the planet in the first place...."

PP:  "Hey, that's mean.  It's mostly genetic!"

"Are you actually eating Taco Bell right now?"

PP:   I have to nourish my body!!  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to tell my doctor to put me on Ozempic- I mean, I'm off to ask my doctor about Ozempic." 


Thursday, January 18, 2024

The US Postal Service goes Everywhere...well, Eventually...

 


Maybe, sort of?

Three items I ordered last month to be delivered to Vermont have been "out for delivery" every day for the past week- always expected by 9 PM until 9 PM comes and goes, and then listed as "delayed" due to a "weather emergency."  Amazon is Truly Very Sorry for the delay, and the items are Now Expected to arrive Tomorrow.  Until tomorrow, that is.

Meanwhile, items being shipped through UPS and FedEx - ordered AFTER the items being shipped by the good old US Postal "Service"- have arrived in Vermont despite the "weather emergency" which consisted of a few inches of snow which were quickly removed by plows.  The address has received mail three of the past ten days, none of it in the form of packages.  Apparently the "weather emergency" was bad enough to prevent Postal "Service" trucks from reaching my mother's house in a rural part of the state- but not bad enough for the UPS and FedEx trucks.  Which company claims to go anywhere and used to use that "through rain or snow or sleet" mantra again?

The items in the "care" of the United States Postal "Service" have been sitting in the local Post Office for more than a week now, waiting for the "weather emergency" that is not preventing anyone else from traveling anywhere to subside, I guess. If I head back South before they show up, I guess I can wave to the building they are being held in as I pass.  

Wednesday, January 17, 2024

Some friendly advice to "ensure a fit life" that doesn't involve usury....



Yes, I will be playing the role of Boomer Scold here....

On the Physical Fitness Side:  Maybe spend less time sitting in one place pretending to be Getting in Touch with Yourself/Embracing your Inner Calmness/ Insert Even More Twee BS Here and more time doing cardio and lifting weights?  I mean, being calm is a good thing, but all that sitting isn't doing a damn thing to strengthen your heart and lungs, and it's actually encouraging the development of hormonally active excess adipose tissue which will, if allowed to grow, will wreck havoc on that Mood you are trying to improve.  As the young people say, get off your butt, go outside, and touch some grass.

On the Financial Fitness Side:  Maybe stop spending money recklessly, pay all your bills on-time, use credit only in emergencies and live within your means instead of relying on high-interest unsecured loans just because they are only a tap on your overpriced phone (which is part of the reason you have money problems, you moron.)  It's amazing how easy it is to get a low-cost loan when you have a good credit score.  It's amazing how easy it is to keep a good credit score when you break your addiction to spending and stop looking for a way to get Peter to pay Paul.  

In both cases, the first step is to stand up, get off your phone, and get to work.  Start by Adulting.  

Ok, Boomer Scolding over.  For now. 

Monday, January 15, 2024

What the actual hell is happening in this stupid Clorox Commercial?

 


I mean, other than this little girl behaving as if she is absolutely determined to make everyone who lives with her as sick as she is by sneezing into that fan/humidifier/whatever, while her mother- who of course must be only a yard or so away, rolls her eyes as if there's nothing out of the ordinary with daughter's douchenozzelry and just goes on with her use of the 12th carton of Clorox bleach wipes she's used since Idiot Spawn got the sniffles?

By the way, this is a pretty new commercial, so we can't argue that it "aged badly."  This ad was created AFTER two years of a highly contagious pandemic which killed more than a million Americans and left millions more with more-or-less permanent debilitating symptoms.  Yet it still features a bemused, unmasked mommy shrugging at the idea of germs being needlessly scattered all over the house.  If dipshit daughter isn't thoughtful enough to wear a damn mask (hell, her goal seems to be the OPPOSITE of protecting her family- more like Misery Loves Company) at least Mommy could.   You know, instead of just applying yet another coat of toxic chemicals to every surface she can find.