Sunday, August 27, 2023

This stupid Dairy Queen commercial makes Negative Sense


1.  Why is a girl who looks to be at least twelve years old sitting in the back seat instead of in the front with her father?

2.  What is the big deal if the girl wants to start eating her blizzard DQ thing before they get home- that is, before it starts to melt all over the place?  Maybe hers isn't made out of whatever magic non-dairy substance her father's is and won't defy the laws of thermodynamics like his will. 

3.  Is "that's cold" supposed to be a pun?  Because if these blizzard things are cold, unless the AC is turned up to full blast (and even if it IS) they aren't going to stay cold for very long.  Is it "cold" because she gets to enjoy her blizzard while dad has to wait till he gets home?  Well, when he gets home hers will be done and his- because it won't melt, obviously- will still be there, and won't he get some level of juvenile "revenge" at that time?

4.  Seriously, what the hell is going on here?  Who buys a milk shake or an ice cream cone and says "I'm not touching this till I get home?"  That's just dumb.  Why didn't they just eat this stuff at DQ?  Why does neither one have a freaking lid on it- even if dad's is magic and doesn't melt, what is keeping it from gathering dust and dander and bugs in that car?  I mean, come on.   How many layers of stupid can one commercial have?  (And no, that is NOT a challenge.)

5.  What's with the comments?  What is "racist" about this ad featuring a black guy and a girl I assume is his daughter?  What am I missing here?  Why are people like this?

Saturday, August 26, 2023

Cherish your stupid addiction this NFL season with Fanduel.


The football season is cherish every moment in that 16 weeks by risking your paycheck and your family's financial stability as often as possible.  Because when it's over, you'll have to go back to, um, betting on the NBA, I'm sure. 

Somehow, we've got gambling on your phone being sold as something as precious as moments with a loved one.  Precious, and fleeting and to be appreciated because nothing good- be it football season or the opportunity to gamble on football- lasts forever.  Only winters in Buffalo last forever.

This is really, really sad.  Not as sad as winters in Buffalo, but still, really, really sad. 

Friday, August 25, 2023

Liberty Mutual? Here's some real "truth telling"


"It's ok that I spent all this money, because I saved money doing this other thing" is the mating call of every stupidly, intentionally poor person in the Western World.   It's the middle-class equivalent of "I can go into debt to buy this because I'll be able to pay for it as soon as I get my tax refund."  

Sorry, "honey:"  that's still a lot of shopping, and you probably still should be saving more and spending less.  And your mother forgetting to pick her husband up at the airport doesn't change that fact in the slightest.  It's just a mean piece of misdirection that isn't going to improve your credit score.  

Thursday, August 24, 2023

Some free advice for Todd in this Chewy Commercial


So you're disappointed that you inherited a train set while a cat inherited regular pet supplies "in perpetuity?"  Well, considering that the cat is apparently capable of (at least internal) speech in the way that I imagine most pet owners think that their ridiculous little hairball-producers are, and apparently capable of higher thought processes which allow them to comprehend things like wills and words like "perpetuity," I have some very simple and totally free advice for Todd:

Get on this cat's good side.  I mean, let's be honest about this situation, shall we?  I don't care how old Todd is or how old Mr. Marbles is, Todd is going to outlive Mr. Marbles and we'll be back in this lawyer's office in no time.  Sorry, Mr. Marbles, but when Todd considers what "in perpetuity" means when it comes to your Chewy shipments, he's thinking in years consisting of single digits.  If your dead owner was responsible, Mr. Marbles, you aren't producing any heirs of your own.  So you either make a will- good luck with that- or your estate is going right back to the other people in this room inside a decade.   Time is NOT on your side, Mr. Marbles. 

Saturday, August 19, 2023

Another of these Wendy's commercials. So sick of these people.


So the Brains Trust that works at this particular Wendy's decided to put together samples of the latest Meal Deal being offered by the sludge factory that signs their paychecks, lock the doors, and have a Meeting of the- um- "minds" concerning the deal while standing behind it.  Considering that the total brain wattage of the staff couldn't power a keychain light, I guess it's going to take this kind of cooperative learning activity to absorb the Very Very Complicated offer they'll be preparing for customers who are willing to consume food personally prepared by people I would not trust with a foam rubber ball or talking wall trout.  

After a few hours, even the employees not as "smart' as the guy they acknowledge as the "smart one" (the tallest dwarf in the enchanted forest, I guess) will figure out what the promotion entails and will be ready to re-open the store, fire up the - um, whatever heating element Wendy's uses- and wrap greasy warm garbage with greasy warm paper and place it in greasy warm bags to sell to to greasy warm customers.  And the Saga of the Stupid Wendy's Choads will have completed another chapter.  Whatever.  What's happening with Lily over at AT&T?  That store still using five employees to deal with a single customer, you know-  like in real life?

Friday, August 18, 2023

I guess "We have the Diabetes" didn't fly with marketing?


...because if you take advantage of this "Everyday Deal" every day, well, your days are numbered, and those numbers probably don't hit triple digits.  Unlike your A1C.  

That being said, it's a remarkable triumph of American Advertising that two of these piles of warm grease for $7 can be sold as a bargain.  I mean, that's about the same price as two gallons of gasoline for roughly the same impact on your digestive system. 

Wednesday, August 16, 2023

4Imprint- because it's so easy.


In all of these commercials, there's only one person in the entire office who realizes that the easiest job on the "big project" the Boss wants done is ordering a bunch of promotional giveaway crap that everybody expects and nobody wants.

So while the rest of her coworkers do actual labor on the project, she'll be going to 4imprint and spending the day "designing" t-shirts, pens, baseball caps, carafes and other junk that new clients will receive and quickly discard because seriously, who the heck needs more of this garbage lying around the house?  

As for the other coworkers- well, I have to assume that they are all over the age of sixty and don't realize that there are companies that do all the work for you when it comes to producing promotional materials.  It's not like when I ran for Congress back in 2002 and I had to make phone calls and create designs and approve templates for t-shirts, buttons and bumper stickers.  Now all that stuff is done for you online and you can pick out what you want and order it in a matter of minutes, if not seconds- leaving people like this very smart young woman to enjoy her afternoon sipping coffee at her desk and pretending to work on that Big Project while the idiots who fled from the easiest task on the list are stuck doing the actual labor for The Man and his Big Project.

Sunday, August 13, 2023

Joan Lunden's "A Place to Stick Mom" commercials


Maybe Joan Lunden loves her mother, maybe she doesn't, I don't know...but here's what I DO know:  Joan Lunden has an estimated net worth of $25 million.  If she's willing to spend money on her mother's Senior Care, that care is probably out of reach for the vast majority of her audience.  If she's providing the same care for her mother that any middle-class person can provide for THEIR mother, I said, maybe Joan Lunden loves her mother, and maybe she doesn't.

I mean, come on.  Joan Lunden can afford to buy her mother a condo and provide her with 24/7 cleaning, cooking and health care.  Why is she gushing about some bleak senior "community" people who DON'T have a net worth of $25 million put their parents into?  I suspect her mother is asking the same question, assuming she's still alive- considering that Lunden has been pushing this service for about 20 years now, and is herself 73 years old,  I'm not sure that's even a fair assumption.  

Saturday, August 12, 2023

The never-answered question I have for Colonial Penn Life Insurance


(Never answered by Colonial Penn in any of their ads, anyway....)

According to this spokeschoad, the ONLY thing anyone is ever concerned about when purchasing life insurance (or any other insurance, for that matter) is Price, Price, and Price.  As in "how much does it cost, can I afford it, will the rates ever change?"  But of course, this is NOT the only item a consumer should be concerned about when purchasing insurance.  There's another P that Colonial Penn only hints at in all of it's ads, and that word is "Payout."  As in "Payout Amount."

In every single one of these noxious, fetid commercials- and especially the ones that feature actors who would be a disgrace to any neighborhood drama club- we get nothing but hints concerning how much Colonial Penn will hand recipients of their "$9.95 plan."  We see people off-handedly comment on how the payments "can help" pay for this and "contribute" to paying for that.  Kind of like Endurance and Car Shield yakking about "Roadside Assistance" and "helping" with car rentals, which could mean anything from "I suggest you call AAA" to "I understand Budget still rents cars, google their number on your Smartphone, dummy."  

What we are NEVER given is an actual amount- as in, if grandma lets Colonial Penn charge her VISA card $9.95 a month for five years and then kicks off having paid a total of $600 in premiums, how much does her son get toward putting her body in a box and dumping it into a hole decorated by a carved piece of Vermont Granite?  

Turns out that Colonial Penn sells life insurance by the "unit," and each "unit" is $9.95 per month.  And how much coverage do you get for $9.95 per month?  For two years, none at all.  After that- about $700.

Considering that Colonial Penn itself likes to remind us that "the average funeral can cost $30,000,"  you're going to need to buy a lot more units if you want to come close to covering your fancy party followed by dirt nap.  But Colonial Penn caps the number of "units" each customer can buy at 12- which would cost you $119 per month, and pay out-- about $8600.  And remember, there's that 2-year waiting period to prevent people from spending their final seconds on Earth- maybe during a heart attack- from buying insurance with their last gasp, because you know people will do that.  People are scum.

So in fact, there's actually no way to use Colonial Penn Insurance to cover the cost of a funeral.  A cremation, sure, but that's cheap anyway- why even bother with insurance to cover the cost of cremation?  Don't send Colonial Penn any money- just set aside $10 a month in your own, interest-bearing account.  And live a few years, which Colonial Penn's own plan requires in any case.

So yeah, Colonial Penn, your price is the selling point- your ONLY selling point.  It's the "As Low As..." scam that anyone who has ever pulled up to Jiffy Lube expecting to get an oil change for $29.99 is very, very familiar with.  Of course, nobody who wants actual coverage is going to sign up for that $9.95 plan because it's basically worthless- your company plans on people hanging up the phone confused and a little distressed that they called you willing to invest ten bucks a month and ended up agreeing to eight or nine times that because the nice young man you hired to take the call took them on a polite but firm guilt trip.  I have another P for you- "Pass."  

Tuesday, August 8, 2023

I guess this is just my summer of picking on Ethos...*


...because here we go again...

I don't know what I find more concerning about this ad:  that this couple is visiting a scam physic (but I repeat myself) or that they are visiting a scam psychic apparently just seconds before this woman gives birth to a beach ball (I mean, come on- how did she even get into that room?  Was she wheeled in?  Because I don't see her walking around with that thing.  Like, at all.)

Or maybe it's that this ugly guy got this cute woman pregnant in the first place.  Ah, the power of money.  It can get you a hot partner...but be prepared for her to push you to get a life insurance policy, like, immediately, because she's got plans beyond her life with you.  I'm sure she's already a little mortified at the fact that her Meal Ticket had to go to Ethos Life to get a policy, though.  I'm pretty sure she was expecting a lot more as her part of the bargain.  Hope the picket fence is nice at least. 

*It's not like I can afford to make it a Subaru Summer, after all.  

Monday, August 7, 2023

KFC asks us to rethink our choice of poison...


...and it's pretty much impossible to choose wisely...*

Anyone else more than a little annoyed at the creepy little kid in this ad acting as if the box of deep-fried diabetes is some kind of treasure chest featuring fascinating, never-before-seen relics of ancient days or the contents of a meteorite or- if he were a year or so old- a ring of colorful keys?  What is WITH this kid?  IT'S FRIED JUNK.  IF YOU ARE REALLY STUPID, YOU EAT IT.  PERIOD.  Stop holding up bits of this crap like you've never experienced the awesomeness of greasy edible (sort of) junk trinket chicken parts with soggy biscuits and oil sponge potatoes. 

But if you do decide to stop examining the crime against humanity that is calories served up by KFC, you'd better hurry- there are only four pieces of chicken in this box, along with four biscuits, a handful of fries and another handful of Chopped Pressed Chicken Slurry which I guess are called "nuggets," to remind you of gold or something.  If this is a family of four it means each person gets one piece of bird bone with some meat attached to it, a lump of white starch,  and a handful each of sliced tuber and that lovely fried chicken powder.  Somehow this is seen as a bargain at $20 plus tax, even though $20 plus tax will actually buy several substantial meals for this family that WON'T add to the Great American Diabetes Epidemic.

Again, though- get that kid some help.  Nobody his age should be fascinated by junk "food."  Nobody who has spent his life in the United States, anyway. 

*When it comes to take-out pizza or take-out KFC, there's no real choice other than to take Joshua's advice- the only way to win this game is, not to play. 

Sunday, August 6, 2023

Apparently, it's easy to spell "Ethos" without "Ethics."


Gee, I wonder why two morbidly obese adults would be concerned about "invasive health questions" from prospective life insurance providers.  Especially since these two morbidly obese adults have zero interest in doing anything that might make the risk to Ethos or any other insurance company a little more manageable.

"Hey now John, you just stop right there.  You don't know- maybe It's GeneticTM and that's just their Set Point WeightTM and maybe they eat right and exercise but Can't Lose WeightTM because it's Just The Way They AreTM.  Who are you to judge, you Fatphobic F--k?"

Well, fact is I do have evidence that High Risk is something these two choads have totally brought upon themselves, and I'll lay it all out for you, courtesy of the Pause button.  Your honor, I present to you the contents of the kitchen cupboard shown in this ad:

Stuffing Mix.

Graham Crackers.

"Crispy Wheat" Crackers.

Sausage and Egg Biscuits which, being in the cupboard rather than the freezer, may have even more preservatives than fat and salt. 

Soy Flakes.  I don't even want to know. 

A can that looks like it's beans but apparently is some kind of chicken concoction.  Again, ignorance is an advantage here.

A box of Shredded Wheat Squares.  Probably the most healthy thing on the shelf, which is saying nothing. 

Mother Nature's Bounty Granola Bars.  No doubt the snack that ties this family over between snacks. 

And, finally, a box of something that may or may not be Apple Jacks but considering that no other actual name brands are displayed, I'm guessing is just generic sugary cereal junk.

In other words- junk, junk, and more junk.  The kind of junk that leaves you perpetually hungry and perpetually eating, which in turn leaves your waistline expanding and your heart and organs first crying out for help and then finally just looking at each other and shrugging.  

Yeah, I can see why health questions would be seen as "invasive" to these stupid, self-destructive idiots who Should Not Have Been Allowed to Breed.  And I can't imagine how limited and/or expensive Ethos Life is if it's willing to cover people who are all but certain to die in a painful and economically crippling manner unless they get their act together, and quickly.  I just wish Evie the Ethos Sprite would go to work for Child Protective Services because jeeeeesh, these kids are innocents and are in desperate need of help.