Sunday, May 19, 2019
The woman in this commercial has a refrigerator which includes fruit (some of which has no business being ain a refrigerator, but never mind...) yet reaches for a bottle of water, sand and artificial flavoring while wearing a big smile which reads "I'm so happy I'm about to drink this sludge, yay me!" Seriously, WTF? Why not finish off that....lemon? Grapefruit? Um, you didn't even put that in a bag, woman- what do you think that's going to look like after a day in a dark refrigerator?
Oh wait, apparently the light never goes out in this fridge. That's annoying. Is the light really turning off in my fridge? Now I'm getting paranoid. This is going to keep me awake. I mean, I'm not concerned about the food in my fridge being bullied by a bottle of Ensure, becasue I don't have any Ensure in my fridge, or food for it to bully for that matter. But is that light turning off after I've fetched another can of Diet Coke?
Oh, and that fridge looks to be the size of a walk-in closet. Maybe that's why she's so happy- it's not a refrigerator, it's that extra room in her house which is kept unusually cold for the food products that live in it.
The Ensure bottle has taken it on itself to make sure that the woman who bought it stays healthy and proceeds to banish unacceptable foodstuffs to....the crisper, I guess. I mean, tha's what's at the bottom of my refrigerator, so I assume that this one is designed the same way, even though it is about eight times larger than mine. Come to think of it, I've never had anything in my crisper. I should make sure my fridge actually has one.
Wait, where was I? Oh yeah- the woman put a corndog and a cupcake and a jar of mayonaisse in her fridge, but they don't pass "mustard" (sorry, I couldn't resist) with Field Marshal Ensure so out they go? And which bottle of Ensure is in charge- there are several bottles there? Do the other bottles just sit there and wait to carry out orders?
Saturday, May 18, 2019
Every. Other. Commercial. on YouTube is some guy jacked up on speed standing in a mansion or (more likely) in front of his Maserati and Trophy Girlfriend waving his hands and telling me in a manic voice how he made five million dollars in six months selling stuff on YouTube and went from being a college dropout dishwasher living in mom's basement to owning everything worth owning on the planet.
In reality, there's no "Amazing Secret" to making money in a Multi-Level Marketing scheme. It's actually very simple. I'm going to share it with you because I'm Just That Kind of Guy- the kind that isn't satisfied being Super Rich and Successful but is so Big-Hearted that I want everyone to experience the kind of lifestyle I've come to experience, never mind that it would make no sense economically for everyone to be rich Shut Up Hater.
Here we go: First, work is for suckers. Don't do it. Remember the Three F's: Family, Friends, and Facebook. Mine them for people who A) are naturally inclined to want to help you out, B) are greedy/stupid/gullible, and C) are desperate enough to believe anything. You find enough people like this, and you are definitely on your way to that first Million.
These are the people who are going to do the work. Explain to them how the company you work for sells Amazing products nobody else sells- products that are so Life-Changing that once people are introduced to them they are hooked for life and will shove fistfuls of money in your face to get more. Sign them up and you'll get a percentage of all their sales while doing no real work yourself. Doesn't that sound awesome?
Second, be prepared to deflect the complaints of your Family, Friends and Facebook recruits when they can't sell even five percent of the overpriced crap they purchased after you assured them they'd sell like crazy Without Any Real Effort On Their Part. Tell them they just have to Believe in Themselves. Tell them to Have Faith. Tell them to recruit more people and then dump those essential oils, supplements and home-flipping DVDs on them. Tell them how disappointed you are that you went out of your way to Present This Opportunity and now they are Being Negative How Dare They This is So Sad.
Third, keep your soul in cold storage and don't ever let it out for exercise. I mean, what did it ever do for you? Did it get you that first five million?
Fourth, make an ad like this on YouTube. Be sure to include the House, Car and Girlfriend the MLM made possible. And don't forget to rant like a freaking lunatic because I guess that's convincing for some reason.
Enjoy your New, Prosperous Life! Glad I could help!
Friday, May 17, 2019
You can be proud to work from home for PC Matic, because at least it's not fake anti-virus protection from the boiler rooms of New Delhi. Nope, it's good old-fashioned home grown junk for your computer. USA! USA!
I wonder if we're supposed to believe it's legit because it's expensive- $49.99 per year, according to my research (see link below.) Based on the reviews, I'm not going for it- but I'm not a computer expert and I don't review anti-virus programs or anything else. I just snark on commercials. And this one is pretty vanilla: Trust PC Matic because it's Made in the USA. Work at home for PC Matic because your bosses are Americans. Etc, etc.
Strikes me as kind of a two-fer: Not only is this an ad for Probably Ineffective if not Damaging "antivirus protection," but it's also pitching another "make good money working from home" scheme which seems to account for at least 90% of Youtube ads these days. So both the customers AND the employees have an opportunity to get the royal shaft.
I just figured something out. The real reason why this doesn't pass the smell test is because "PC Matic" sounds a lot like "MyCleanPC" and "FinallyFast" and a lot of other fly-by-night Your PC Is Filled With Viruses Take Our Word For It Go Online and Download Team Viewer and Give Us Control Because We Popped Up on Your Screen "services." Maybe try another name, PC Matic. I suggest Patroit Clean PC or American Eagle Antivirus or Freedom PC. I also suggest you hire some rugged ex-sniper Navy Seal to sell your product instead of this creepy old guy. But what do I know about marketing.
Here's the reviews. Not all that surprised this page doesn't allow comments after seeing this:
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
Smarmy Disembodied Voice pretends Capitalism is a Revolution. I'm going to get a lot out of this series
There are two things I want to happen in this ad: I want the woman staring at her phone as she crosses Times Square to get run over by a car, and I want the woman with the "edgy," "don't f--k with me I'm making money with money" look on her face as she walks away from an exploding car to be taken out by a flying shard of glass.
And then I never want to see this stupid, manipulative tripe aimed at the people who are too smart to fall for "make $4000 a month working at home with Amazon" scams but too full of themselves to avoid ego-stroking "you're too smart to be part of the herd in the market" crud like this. But since there's a lot of these ads on YouTube, I expect I am going to see more of them, and they'll be getting more than a little play time here.
Sunday, May 12, 2019
1. Paid shills claim they lost control of their bodily functions when they saw this ad. They claim this on YouTube, thankfully using fake names so as not to shame their parents.
2. Unpaid losers post exactly the same thing; that is, when they aren't repeating lines from the commercial becasue that's the go-to when you can't think of anything to write yourself but still want to post in the comment section for a YouTube video.
3. Nobody anywhere asks even once what any of this has to do with insurance.
4. America gets a little dumber.
5. Donald Trump's chances for re-election become more and more obviously good. Why? See #4.
*based on the comments, I'm assuming that "the infinity gauntlet" is some macguffin that pollutes the Avengers movies, which are themselves apparently infinite. Don't know, don't care even less.
Saturday, May 11, 2019
"Kate" is a "hard worker" (check out the coveralls and the hard hat) who has insurance but still pays too much for medication for herself and her son. She's arrived at the pharmacy to pick up the medication prescribed for her kid, which costs $67 (of course.) Except that she already knows in advance that there's this thing called GoodRx and she's already downloaded it to her phone. This allows her to put this stupid triumphant look on her face after her kid runs off with his meds and convinces her to fold her arms and stand in the middle of the pharmacy as if she's just conquered the world.
Like "Linda" in a previous ad, there's clearly not a whole lot of Positive going on in Kate's life. She's on meds, and her son, who seems to enjoy just hanging around all by himself just outside the window (if you can figure out what he's doing out there, please feel free to drop a comment) just wants to get his medication and get on with his life but he's being delayed by mom and her Celebrate Every Victory weirdness. This is one kid who looks forward to Dad's weekend, I'll bet.
Friday, May 10, 2019
1. This guy just jumps Linda as she's heading to the pharmacy and starts hitting her with questions about that perscription he Just Happened to Notice she's got there in her hand. I guess he just hangs out around pharmacies looking for people holding bits of paper which kind of look like they were torn off of prescription pads?
2. Isn't ambushing total strangers on the street to pimp for some service more of a Verizon thing?
3. The guy then asks Linda how much she thinks her medication will cost. Well, that's rude- how does he know she doesn't have great insurance that will pay for the medication? Why does he think this is his business? And anyway, the answer is $67. Because in GoodRx commercials, the medication ALWAYS costs $67. I think they just keep using the same cash register shot over and over. It's kind of weird.
4. Having been told about GoodRx, Linda confidently approaches the pharmacy counter, hands the prescription to the pharmacist, and announces that she has a coupon before she's even told that it costs $67. The pharmacist responds "good coupon," and not what we all know she would actually respond- "um, ok. We'll have that filled for you in between 3 and 5 hours. Do you want to wait or pick it up tomorrow?"
5. Linda ends the commercial by giving herself a personal high five. Because there's not a whole lot going right for Linda these days. I mean, she's getting assaulted on the street by intrusive spokeschoads who assume that she's got crappy or no insurance and must watch every dime, and she sees a coupon for some drug as scoring a serious victory over The System. I suspect that Linda does cartwheels every time the 7-11 cashier informs her that she's scored a free Big Gulp.
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
These people with overactive bladders which are keeping them in the bathrooms while the world goes around them finally seek help from their doctors, good. No problem with that; that's how it should work.
But when they are finally in that little room with the table covered in paper and that old-timey scale, they tell their doctor their problem and...then what happens? Apparently the doctor excuses himself, goes into his office, and comes back with a tablet on to which he's downloaded a commercial for Entyvio. Because....the doctor can't just TELL his patient about the drug he wants her to try? This guy is billing some insurance company $300 for his time, which consisted of him listening to the patient describe a symptom and then downloading a freaking commercial to show her? Why does he do this? Is it because he knows that the patient is more likely to take the advice of a 20-second ad she sees on a flat screen than a guy who actually went to med school?
Maybe that's why he comes back with the commercial-bearing tablet: "I understand that you're reluctant to begin a regimen which includes a drug with all kinds of nasty side effects. So here's TV to calm those fears. You trust TV. TV would never lie to you. I'm just a doctor, don't take my word for it. Here's your Electronic Second Opinion."
Sunday, May 5, 2019
Tomb Raider (2018) "starring" Alicia Vikander is a reboot of a moderately successful film series which ran from 2001-2003 which was itself a spinoff of a very popular series of video games. The video games featured a number of female voice actors, the original films featured Angelina Jolie in the starring role, and the newest version, as I've noted, "starred" an inexplicably popular mannequin named Alicia Vikander.
I caught this film on HBO the other day and I just have to make a few observations concerning why I found this film so insulting and dumb and am not at all surprised that it was a box office failure:
1. In the opening of this film, we see the character of Lara Croft engaged in a kickboxing contest and even though she's beaten she looks pretty tough. I assumed that the purpose of this scene was to establish Lara as a hard-as-nails type who can definitely take care of herself. Boy, was I wrong, as we'll see later.
2. Turns out that Lara Croft is a lowly bike messenger who jumps at the chance to earn money by participating in a dangerous bike race through the streets of Large City. Thing is, through flashbacks we've already been shown that just as with the Angelina Jolie version, this Lara is heir to a massive fortune, she just has to sign some papers to get it. She's holding back from signing for reasons we're about to get into. Meanwhile, she's willing to risk her skull to go after a small cash prize because She Needs the Money except we know she doesn't. I bet several of her fellow bike messengers could legitimately use that money, Lara. Maybe stop pretending to be poor?
3. Lara doesn't want to sign the papers declaring her missing father officially Dead because she's convinced he's just missing. Never mind that signing would allow her to inherit his massive wealth, which she could then use to go out and find her father. If she believes Dad is really alive, of what benefit is she to him as long as she's scraping by as a bike messenger?
4. When Lara gets to Asian Port Stock Footage Location, she's instantly accosted by three young boys who steal her bag. She runs them down and gets the bag back by putting one of the boys in a headlock, but then runs away when another boy pulls out a knife and threatens to cut out her tongue. Angelina Jolie's version of Lara would have beaten up all three boys without breaking a sweat. A few minutes before this scene we saw Lara holding her own in a kickboxing match. Vikander's version shows panic, runs away, and needs to be rescued by Drunk Asian Boat-owning Stereotype. You go, girl!
5. Lara escapes the Evil Men on the Mysterious Island by Jumping off a Cliff into a Roaring RiverTM, barely escaping going over a waterfall by clinging to the ancient ruins of a downed airplane. The plane looks like it's been perched over the waterfall for at least a decade- yet within seconds after Lara pulls herself into the rotting fuselage to escape the Roaring River, it begins to disintegrate under her feet. Seriously, WTF? This plane has survived floods, storms, probably thousands of tree trunks crashing into it, and has remained perched over that waterfall- but when a 110-pound woman is added to it's bulk, it begins to dissolve like a graham cracker in milk?
6. The Breaking Into The TombTM scene is pretty much a poor retread of Indy's final journey to reach the grail in The Last Crusade. Except not as interesting, because....
7. Alicia Vikander. I'm sorry, can someone explain this person to me? She worked in Ex Machina because she played a soulless android. But in every other film I've seen her in, she's continued to play that same soulless android. Her expression never changed in two hours of Jason Bourne. And she shows all the range of a garden gnome in this waste of time. Did she ever actually act in anything?
The latest Tomb Raider was supposed to launch a new series of films, but it returned only $274.7 million at the worldwide box office- oddly enough, the exact amount of cash generated by the 2001 version, which means that it was a significantly less successful film and that the franchise is probably dead for good (I don't think that 1990s nostalgia is going to come back in twenty years.) So I guess I won't be complaining about any sequels in the near future. Which means commercials will have to stay terrible to keep this blog going. I'm not worried.
Saturday, May 4, 2019
....the dial on my BS meter snaps right off whenever I hear someone refer to themselves or anyone else as "patriots" or puts the words "Patriot," "Liberty," "Freedom" or "American" on their products. Maybe it's just me, but this level of buzzword patronizing just screams "manipulative selling technique."
We're supposed to take this guy's word for it that this solar cell phone battery is terrific because after all, he's an ex-Navy Seal, used to make his living shooting people, and wrote a book. None of which has anything to do with expertise in collecting, storing and releasing energy, but gosh he sure looks rugged and he's a Fellow Patriot, so.....
....so, sorry, no. I'm sure that there are good solar-powered cell phone chargers out there, and I think it's something that would be helpful for pretty much everyone to own because after all we spend so much time away from charging stations (like the ones that decorate our walls at home that we used to call ELECTRICAL OUTLETS.) But if this particular version works well, then sell it to me by explaining the physics involved, not by expecting me to just buy in to the claims of a Manly Man who starts right off by attempting to stroke my ego by calling me a "fellow patriot."
BTW, the giveaway that this is just probably just another Late Night Overpriced Junk Trinket product comes when the guy discusses the "extras" that come with the charger-it includes a flashlight setting with strobe feature (gee, that's a great feature for an item that is supposed to be collecting power to charge something else, huh? Law of Thermodynamics, people,) a keychain with a tiny compass attached, and a CHARGING CABLE (in case you are home, or somewhere else where you could just plug it in....like you do with your phone already....um....ok.....)
I'll go ahead and watch the review now; that's only fair. But nothing in the review will change the fact that this company is using symbolism and slogans instead of science to sell their product. Lame.
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
You only get awesomely snarkable commercials like this one for a cheap hearing aid way up the dial, which is why I will ocassionally tune to GetTV. No, I don't really want to watch Knight Rider or Good Times or really crappy old movies like Young Guns II. But in between scenes from this crap is pure comedy gold in the form of these awesome commercials, so I'm glad the channel exists.
"In the woods you need every tactical advantage..." you'd think that having a gun and wearing camoflauge would be enough "tactical advantage" against an unarmed animal, but you'd be wrong- you also need EagleEye Blue Light Blocking Sunglasses (available on another commercial) and Superman-level hearing if you REALLY want the edge against the grazing herbivore you're hoping to take down and earn your man card with.
Know what's really great about this hearing aid? No, it's not the super-low cost-- so low that you probably will not be able to resist getting an ADDITIONAL one to share with a friend (ick, I really hope you're just going to GIVE that friend the additional one, who wants a used hearing aid back?) just pay Seperate Shipping and Handling. It's the fact that no one will even know you're wearing it- never mind that it's slightly smaller than a billiard ball and you can see it quite clearly in the ears of everyone wearing it in this commercial. No one will know you're wearing it. Not the other people in your dinner party, not your elderly spouse, and certainly not that four-legged prey that doesn't even know it's involved in a contest with you.