Sunday, September 29, 2013
It occurs at the moment the woman here mentions "The Lord" and says "at least we had that in common" or "that connection" or words to that effect (how many times do you expect me to watch this crud?)
What she's saying is that it's nice that this guy is mutually desperate- errrr, interested-- and is not painfully hard on the eyes, etc. but all that really matters is that they both believe that 2000 years ago a guy who wandered around a Roman province doing magic tricks until being executed and then reappeared as a zombie before vanishing for good is simultaneously God and God's son.
She might as well just say "I knew he was the one when I realized he shared my pathetic, childish, medieval delusion. We were made for each other." I totally believe it, lady.
Now go forth and multiply, because there really aren't enough intensely stupid people on the planet yet. I'm being sarcastic. I feel the need to say so, because you knuckle-dragging morons with your Middle Ages belief systems really don't get sarcasm, or anything else that can't be found in the King James Bible.
(BTW, check out the way these two are looking at each other in the screen shot. It looks a lot more like "you're here, and I'm sick of looking, and I guess you'll have to do" than "you're my soul mate," don't you think?)
Saturday, September 28, 2013
It's 2013, and the world is wide open to me and my awesome iPhone technology!
I am no longer limited to yakking away from every train, bus, park bench, sidewalk, grocery store and movie theater in the United States! No more shall I be shackled to mere texting as I swerve around on the highways or bump into you on the sidewalk or pretend to spend quality time with my kids at the zoo or beach!
With the new (latest) iPhone, I am finally freed from the shackles of my own eyes with their inferior, non-sharing technology! From this point onward, I shall view the planet through the Superior eyes of my iPhone, capturing every moment of my Amazingly Entertaining and Awesome and above all Share-able life for the world to experience!
I shall record it all. Every crack on the sidewalk. Every barking and jumping dog. Every blade of grass, every grain of sand, every gently crashing wave of the sea. Because it's happening in front of me and my phone, it can now be preserved and stored and sent to the phones of the people lucky enough to be called my Friends. No one who has achieved this status need ever be in doubt that I am the Most Remarkable Person in the Universe and that every waking moment of my life is of great Significance. I mean, check out this funny hat I saw- what would your life be if you were deprived of seeing it? Here's an interesting-looking squirrel- I know sending it's image to your phone has changed your life for the better.
Now, everyone I know can experience my life, through the eyes of my phone. And I can record it all (it's my RIGHT, you know) and preserve it for the sad people who do not at this moment have access to the Remarkable Story that is Me.
Come to think of it, you don't really have to thank me. I won't be able to respond anyway, being way too busy watching the world go by through the filter of a four-inch screen.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Just imagine- thousands of idiots with absolutely, positively nothing left to do (now that the AFLAC duck's online "recovery" is complete) rushing to the web (who am I kidding, they were probably already there) to find out who stole Flacco's bag of grease from McDonald's.
Now try to get that image out of your head. Yes, we are a very sad country. A very sad, bored, listless, fat country filled with people with no plans for today, tomorrow or the foreseeable future. A country constantly looking for something to kill the time, all the time. A country so pathetic that we respond to commercials which ask us to "See the whole story at..." or "learn the rest of (insert name of stupid boring loser here's) tale at..." or "find out what happens next at.." no matter how insipid and pointless the segment we were "treated" to on television was.
I'm not going to be checking out the site, because I can't imagine my life being so devoid of meaning that I would care which NFL player (because duh, we know it's another NFL player) stole the fried crud. This commercial lost me the moment Flacco got talked into playing for junk he had already purchased. I mean, why would anyone do that?
Oh yeah, I forgot. It's a commercial for McDonald's. I think if it makes sense, it's not allowed on the air.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Why does everyone in these Xfinity commercials live in a house with a glowing white interior?
And am I the only person on the planet who doesn't think about his house while on vacation? I leave my house totally unattended for two months every summer, and for several weeks during the year. It's vacant for ten hours a day. And I can honestly say that over the course of a year I don't spend five minutes wondering if anyone has broken in to lay on my couch and watch my television, what the temperature is, or if a freaking pelican has wandered in (to lay on my couch and watch television, or do anything else.) For some reason, I've always just assumed that my house will take care of itself while I'm not in it, and not fall prey to burglars or dogs or pelicans.
I suppose if I had this "awesome" thing from Xfinity (and a tablet,) I'd be checking up on the place every hour on the hour, like the stupid dick in this commercial who has decided that it's a great way to pretend not to have time to spend with his wife and kids on the beach. Seriously, if I was this guy's wife I'd be chucking that damn thing into the surf and telling him to get off his ass and spend time with his family, you clueless techno-addled jagoff.
I'd also tell him that I don't give a flying damn what the temperature is in the freaking house while we are on the beach. And if he reaches for his iPhone to activate his Xfinity Home Security App, it's going to join his precious tablet in the surf.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
I'm not sure this particular campaign for Wendy's Slightly Better than Burger King, Not As Good As Quiznos' sandwich offerings is even a year old yet, but I've had enough.
I never wanted to see this woman singing the praises of cheap, disgustingly fattening beef-and-salt-based food products. I sure as hell don't care to see her rapping or ogling for someone's camera phone or whatever she's trying to pull off here. If I was into Twitter, she'd be the last person on Earth I would be interested in Tweeting with.
I really just want her to get off my television and continue down her chosen path to "whatever happened to.." oblivion. I imagine she'll show up on a sitcom first, then move on to some Survivor-type reality tv show. That's fine. Or, at least it's better than seeing her stupid chirpy mug show up every commercial break to whore for Wendy's.
And could she please take Flo with her?
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Other breakfast ideas for under 200 calories-
A cup of yogurt.
Black coffee and a graham cracker.
Half a grapefruit.
A cup of Quaker instant oatmeal (I like the maple flavor, myself.)
Any single Slim-Fast product.
Carnation Instant Breakfast.
What do all of these things have in common with Subway's awesome new 200 Calories Or Less breakfast sandwiches? Simple- they will all leave you just as desperately hungry by 9 AM. You'll be deficient in your daily recommended allowance of junk, but otherwise, no difference.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
You know, I consider myself a rather spontaneous person. Call me and say "hey meet me in fifteen minutes, we'll do something," and chances are I'll be there. Seriously. Try me.
Ok, back to this commercial: I'm spontaneous, but I'm also not in total control of my life, 24/7. If some Expedia choad walked up to me and offered a "great deal" on a trip to China, but I had to go right now, guess what? I'd love to go to China. But I've also got a job and other responsibilities.
Ok, just a job. But I can't just say "sure, let's go" and call school from the freaking cab as I head off to the airport. I'm sure the school would be just fine with my sudden decision to fly off to China. I'm sure they'd also remember my being AWOL for that week when it comes time to reconsider my contract.
So, who is Expedia trying to reach with ads like this? People who have nothing but time on their hands, who are unemployed (yet have plenty of money to do stuff in other countries, if only they could get a great deal on a flight) or have such flexible schedules that hey, I've got this opportunity to go to the other side of the planet so toodles see you next week? Seems to me that if you fit either of these categories, you really don't need Expedia.
This is what I would say to the Expedia guy- "hey, it's nice that you are offering me a good deal on a flight to China. But I work for a living, and I've got people outside of work who depend on me and I can't just drop everything to go. Ok, that thing about people outside of work isn't true, but I still can't just drop my classes and leave, deal or no deal. So if you can't offer me a decent price AND enough notice, what good are you?"
Friday, September 20, 2013
I mean, I understand the basics- come up with an idea, then use the readily-available population of desperate, hungry people who just want to survive and exploit them for all they are worth to make your dream (of being disgustingly wealthy) a reality. I get that Capitalism has gone through an evolution over the past several thousand years, from Serfdom to outright slavery to promotion of unlimited immigration and finally, when workers in Western nations got too damned uppity with their unions and minimum wages and weekends and holidays and unemployment insurance and other such MarxistSocialistFascist Takers not Makers ideas, the outsourcing of the whole thing to nations with more pliable (desperate, hungry, unorganized) people. See? I get the concept.
The part I don't understand is the Providing a Service People Need bit. At some point, someone walked into a bank and asked for a business start-up loan based on the theory that people are in constant need of party supplies. And the bank said "sure, that sounds like a great idea." Maybe "I'll hire only uneducated but hard-working people eager to take whatever they are offered because they want to eat" was part of the pitch. Maybe "I'll buy my stock from Vietnam, China and Pakistan because almost all of it is disposable, Use Once And Throw Away crap anyway, so the markup will make my store successful if I can manage two customers a day" sealed the deal. Like I said, I don't get this part. I've worked in retail-- I managed a video rental store (remember those?) to pay my way through grad school--but that doesn't make me an MBA.
From now on, whenever I hear some whiny, greedy jerk call in to a radio show to complain that ObamaCare is denying him his God-given right to 100 percent of the take from his "small business," I'll think of PartyCity and wonder if he's blaming his lack of success on the wrong thing. Hey, buddy- maybe you are just trying to provide a service in a saturated market. Maybe you miscalculated the demand. Maybe you had unrealistic expectations of instant wealth through the hard work of your employees. Maybe you are just thrashing around for someone to point a finger at to explain why your Pudding Delivery Idea doesn't seem to be catching fire.
I'll also think of Spatula City. Because it makes me happy, and it seems to fit, somehow.
Almost five years ago, I started this blog with Google, mainly because it was very easy to maneuver through and set up even for a Luddite like myself. I also didn't expect I would actually keep the blog up for very long, but would become bored with it over time and let it die on the vine with 99 percent of all other blogs on the Interwebs.
But it turned out that there were a lot more really, really bad commercials out there, and they just kept coming, so almost five years later I can still churn out twenty or so posts a month. And I even managed to make a little money by using AdSense for a while, until some idiots thought they would be "helpful" by clicking away at every ad until a big red flag started waving in Google's face. Goodbye AdSense, goodbye not essential but very welcome cash every few months.
Then came the glitches. My toolbar would randomly disappear. My comment count would vanish and then pop back up from day to day. Comments would be visible, then invisible. And some time in July, my daily hit count dropped dramatically and has not recovered (I was averaging 1500 hits a day last spring, it's down to about 300 now, while my Follower total has inched up a bit, suggesting to me that the Stats are seriously flawed.)
In short, this blog has become more of a chore than it really needs to be, and I wonder why this is so. I wonder why it's so hard to keep tool bars available. I wonder why the stats can't be more reliable, or why the whole thing seems designed to crash every few days. At some point I suppose I'll find another platform for this blog because I still enjoy doing it, but I can't help but wonder why the service is becoming more buggy and less manageable as all other technology becomes smoother, more functional and more easy to use. Anyone have any ideas? How about you, Chirpy Google Girl?
Maybe I should have been more suspect of a search engine named for a shiny but otherwise virtually worthless, easily damaged cousin of tin foil.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Have you ever wished lupus on an entire family?
I just don't get why commercials for upscale cars feel the need to hammer into us the fact that their product is for insufferably rich, spoiled brats whose lives are already perfect anyway. It's as if they are worried that one of us working-class stiffs might actually soil a Cadillac, Audi or Lexus dealership with our unwelcome presence.
Hey, high-end car manufacturers: Don't worry, we get it. These commercials are not aimed at 99% of us. They are aimed exclusively at people with pretty spouses, pretty kids, big houses maintained by Latino cleaning crews, and a "need" for a big gleaming car that allows them to take their pretension on the road with them. We'll stick to Honda, Toyota, Ford and Volkswagen, promise.
Now please, stop assaulting us with this disgusting, hate-infused and hate-inducing crud already.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Dear Fat, Stupid Patriots Fan:
I wonder- for how many years have you let Ramsey ruin your football-watching experience because you've decided that New England's decade-plus of regular success was somehow cosmically connected to his pathetic, juvenile rants?
I mean, he comes over and spends three hours spitting at your screen, throwing snacks all over your living room, and basically just behaving like a psychotic dick with no regard for any other human being because neither you nor anyone else has the spine to tell him to shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down, or get the fuck out? And this is because you think he somehow influences the outcome of a football game? Really?
Oh, and he brings Bud Lite? First of all, that's not a plus. Second, if you really love Bud Lite that much, it's not the most expensive beer on the market, and buying your own while locking the door on this moron sounds like a pretty damned good investment to me. Third, seriously- Bud Lite?
I'll just finish what I hope is a very helpful letter with just a few additional points. If Ramsey is a regular at your house, wasn't he there when the Patriots coughed up that playoff game to the Ravens last year? How about those two times they faded late in the Superbowl against the Giants? If the Pats "always win" when Ramsey is there, that means he's been there exactly twice in a row. And this is "magical" to you somehow?
One more thing. The Patriots are perhaps the worst 2-0 team in football right now. They've played two crappy teams and were lucky to win both games. I suspect that the Amazing Ramsey Effect is going to fail very, very soon. I hope you take that opportunity to divorce yourself of your sad delusion and give Ramsey a swift kick in the ass as he exits your house for good. Because he really is a douchenozzle. This Patriots fan wouldn't have him in his house for five minutes, let alone three freaking hours every week, because I've kind of figured out that the Patriots have been very good at winning regular season games for going on a dozen years now, Ramsey or no Ramsey.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
My favorite fantasy endings:
1. The bodies of these two 1%-er jackanapes are found several days later, because they forgot that while it's nice to have a phone with a powerful battery while stranded on a desert island, a supply of fresh water is even better.
2. When the battery DOES die before help can arrive, these two disgusting dickwads reconsider their decision to waste it on a Virtual Fireplace App as they stare impending death in the face.
3. When a summoned rescue team gets word that this couple needs an assist, they remember that they parked their gold Lexus SUV straddling two spaces at the marina and decide to let them rot, let's see how much their money comforts them now, the privileged dicks.
4. When a fishing excursion accidentally stumbles across the crab-infested corpses of these Formerly Beautiful People, it's amazed and impressed at the fact that the phone lasted longer than the FBPs did.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
This fall, coming to FOX!!
Just in case there was anyone out there in tv land who wasn't already convinced that American males in their thirtysomethings weren't classless, tasteless, brainless, sex-obsessed lunatics who couldn't tie their shoes and chew gum at the same time unless there was a strong, sexy, smart woman around to assist, we present a---umm..."new" comedy, DADS!!
Though the show features new---ummm...."stars," you'll love it because it will all seem strangely, comfortingly familiar! Idiot guys making obvious, juvenile sex jokes! Hot women simultaneously disgusted yet inexplicably attracted to Said Idiot Guys! Everyone living in huge apartments or houses which do not in any way equate with the jobs of the occupants!
And we aren't promising anything but....think there won't be a precocious kid popping in here and there? Really? Did you stop watching television in 1960, or what?
So sit back and enjoy 22 minutes of scruffy, stupid men who are allegedly friends tossing unnecessary, unproductive barbs at each other in between leering at women who are Obviously Way Too Good For Them! If you can't be in front of your tv, don't forget to set your DVR, 'cause you won't want to miss this---ummm---"original" new offering from Fox! We'd hate to think that you ever get over your impression that every man on television is a slovenly, witless douchenozzle who misplaced his razor weeks ago and is clearly not ready to be out on his own yet!
And I can remember thinking My Two Dads was bottom-of-the-barrel dreck. Oh, where have you gone, Paul Reiser?
Friday, September 13, 2013
I wish that all the wannabee poets and songwriters who write car commercials could be jammed into the same cannon and launched into the same damned jagged rock, myself.
I also wish that Toyota would stop trying to convince us that their cars can take us places no other cars can. Jesus, they are cars. They've got four wheels, seats, steering and braking devices. They are all capable of cruising down the same damn highways as all other cars. Get the hell over yourselves already.
And while we are at it- hey, Toyota? When people are driving Toyotas, they are sitting still. At most, their activity level rises to include adjusting the stereo or consulting the onboard GPS. Stop trying to convince us that flying past interesting-looking things somehow equates to doing interesting things. And while we are on the subject,
99.99% of Toyota owners will never, ever use their cars to crash through streams (and that's a good thing) or really do ANYTHING except get from Boring Point A to Boring Point B. When I want to see the woods, I walk through them. When I want to see the top of a mountain, I climb up it. When I want to buy a new car, I don't think "ok, will this one get me where I want to go?" because THEY ALL WILL. I don't spend a whole lot of time thinking "gee, I'd like to do this cool thing someday- but what kind of automobile can handle the trip?" Because if I need a rugged vehicle to do something, it's something I want to do ON MY OWN POWER THANKS ANYWAY.
Simply put- I'm not interested in slapping a "This Car Climbed Pike's Peak" sticker on my car's bumper. I AM interested in someday putting a "I Climbed Pike's Peak" sticker on my backpack.
I'll conclude by wishing Toyota would just STFU and stop selling us the ludicrous idea that a car is some kind of magical vehicle which allows us to jump rainbows and make our miserable lives just a little more bearable. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for another long walk.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Here's another Burlington Back to...ahem..."school" ad. There are about half a dozen of these flooding the airwaves this week, and they all have the same message: Ten year old kids are anxious to look really hot this year so they can attract members of the opposite sex.
Personally, I'd rather watch another 200 "where'd you get that showy piece of junk? OFFICE DEPOT!" ads than even one more of these Little Kids Trying to be Fashion Plates nuggets of crud. Really makes me appreciate my school's dress code. And that the boys and girls are separated by about three miles.
Monday, September 9, 2013
If it were my ambition to be a self-satisfied, entitled douchenozzle, I guess that would include someday actually "booking" a test drive from my luxury apartment or multimillion-dollar suburban palace while my model spouse lounged about wondering what pricey bauble SHE would be picking out- with the help of a concierge (HULK SMASH!) of course.
Hey, buddy in the second commercial- do I want to punch you in your stupid-ass Rich But Dammit Not Everyone Knows It Yet face? "Absolutely!"
Hey, "concierge" in the first commercial- did you ever want something more out of your life than a job which requires you to kiss the butts of these disgustingly wealthy, spoiled assmonkeys? I wouldn't be surprised if the answer is "no"- it sure looks to me like you've had a successful soul removal.
And hey, potential buyers of this flashy LookAtMeMobile- I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you have no idea that there are hungry people dependent on soup kitchens for their one meal a day, probably in your own city (though certainly not anywhere near your own Cul-de-Sac.) There are schools FAIRLY close to where you live in need of extra supplies. If you aren't in to the whole "Think Locally" thing, there are lots of suffering people (3 billion or so, give or take a hundred million) who need the cash burning a hole in your pocket a HELL of a lot more than your local Lincoln dealer. Oh, but using your money to make life a little more bearable for a total stranger won't make people turn their heads while you slowly drive past, so I guess that wouldn't appeal to you loathsome choads, would it?
The Age of Guillotines can't return fast enough for me.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Anyone else have a hard time believing that Lindsay was unable to meet guys without the use of a dating website?
Anyone else agree with Justin's take that "without Christian Mingle, I don't see how we ever would have met?" Because yeah, Justin- Lindsay could have done a lot better.
Then again, if you start from the premise that your god 2000 years ago sent himself to be sacrificed (to himself) to erase a situation he created (governed by rules he created) which he knew would be created (being all-knowing and all,) you probably have no problem believing that same god was just waiting for someone to invent the internet, and then invent websites, and then invent Christian Mingle, so he'd have a way of bringing two medieval-minded idiots who want to have sanctioned sex which leads to Blessed Little MiraclesTM who grow up to be just as vapid and backward as you are. Congratulations- while it's true that a fool and his money are soon parted, it seems that it's easier than ever for a fool to find another fool to produce even more fools with.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
My favorite part of this DD ad is the comparison of this hybrid doughnut/sandwich/burger monstrosity to DD's "healthy" turkey sausage and chicken salad offerings. Anyone who thought that they were eating "healthy" by consuming ANYTHING produced at Dunkin Donuts was being naive, or living the dream, in the first place.
It's also becoming pretty clear that DD is not going to let KFC get too far ahead in the Outrageous Food That Will Kill You Before You Get Back To the Parking Lot marketplace. Bacon and cheese held together by slices of fried chicken? Well, we gotta admit, that's tough to top- hey, how about eggs, sausage and cheese between glazed doughnuts?
Whichever you choose, I really think that these places ought to at least keep ambulances standing by. Seriously, though, I am 100 percent in favor of massive taxes on any food item which fits in one wrapper yet manages to contain at least three of the following- cheese, fried chicken, eggs, bacon, ground beef and doughnuts. Heck, big surcharges on salt and frying medium could increase the lifespan of the average American by ten years (and decrease the waistband of the average American by three inches.)
Meanwhile, I invite you to enjoy an episode of Art Imitates Life, courtesy of the Simpsons, circa 1990. Matt Groening is an absolute prophet, wouldn't you say?
Friday, September 6, 2013
Doctors, Shmoctors. It's 2013, who needs 'em?
After all, we've had more than a decade of big pharma commercials successfully convincing us that every ache and pain COULD be the sign of a More Serious Condition, so we should "ask" our doctor about this or that very expensive medication with six pages of possible horrible side effects. (By "ask," of course, the ads really mean "demand that your doctor prescribes this if he doesn't want to face a lawsuit or the loss of a gullible customer.")
We've skipped the obvious next step- in-home blood tests- and gone straight to DNA mapping through the mail. And what do these DNA tests tell you? Well, if you listen to the spokeschoads, nothing less than Who You Are. "This is Me" the chirpy idiot tells us. Um, ok. Now what?
"So THAT'S why I sneeze" another severely damaged, bored human being with $99 burning a hole in his pocket adds. Same question to this guy- Ok, now what? Now that you've paid some bullshit company a chunk of money to give you a lot of really pointless, non-helpful information, what exactly are you going to do with it?
"This is not a substitute for professional medical advice." Ah, so that's the answer. You are going to take this "information" and-- go to a doctor. A doctor who, if he is worth the diploma on the wall, is going to set aside your pages of "test results" and take some of your blood and urine and check it out himself, making your idiot episode with "23 and Me" a waste of money AND time. Congratulations.
Seriously, what is the matter with you morons? Ran out of leaves to click on Ancestory.Com, got tired of being reminded that nobody is looking for you BeenVerified.com? Simply can't bring yourself to give just a little bit of that money you clearly don't need to charity? Because this has GOT to be the very height of self-absorption, don't you think?
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Dear Toyota Lunatic,
What the hell are you on?
Did you ever want more than this? I mean, you act like you've achieved the dream of a lifetime, sitting behind a desk at a Toyota dealership waiting to respond with a chirpy "Hi I'm Jan" to every idiot who walks in the door? When you were voted Miss Congeniality in High School, did they tell you that this was the kind of career you had waiting for you- spokeschoad for a stupid car company in a bunch of stupid commercials in an ad campaign which will not be missed for one moment when it ends?
If you are such a great people person, why aren't you actually selling cars instead of basically performing the same job as an elderly Wal Mart greeter? Why are you the person the Guys come to when they are looking for a fork? (What kind of bs sexist crap is that, anyway? Is it because you are the "Girl" working at this Toyota Dealership, and finding utensils for the Guys is just what Girls do?)
Come to think of it, why aren't you putting your awesomely bubbly people skills to work negotiating hostage situations or talking depressed citizens off of ledges?
Do they ever let you stand up? And if they do, are you wearing pants?
PS- "See more of Jan?" Um, pass.
Monday, September 2, 2013
1. What is more horrible here- that everyone in this commercial acts like a brain-dead zombie as they mock Dad's obsessive bragging about getting a "great deal" on a Volkswagen RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, or
2. That Teenaged daughter can't even look up from her texting long enough to look the guy who provides her with everything she has (including that f--ing phone) in the eyes as she re-invents the term "no respect?" or
3. That Son does her one better with his "good one, dad," or
4. Dad seems totally clueless to the fact that he's bored his family into a coma and that they are apparently ten seconds away from spontaneously turning on him with their steak knives, if only they can work up the energy?
Oh, and BTW- what the hell is that kid's name? Dolf? Dalt?
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Or maybe just a hammer to smash the smarmy dick he's sitting with in the face.
I really don't know why the narrator for this steaming pile of cow dung doesn't just use the pitch line "just upgrade your phone every time you meet someone with a slightly better one, because you are a pathetic, spineless, soulless moron whose entire self-worth depends on how someone with a Please Punch Me beard views your phone."
I also don't know why any actual adult would fall for this crap. I wish the Crestfallen-for-No-Reason loser who stars in all these "Upgrade every five minutes just because" ads would just reply "my phone works fine, and only a severely damaged douchenozzle or an eight-year old boy would feel threatened by someone with an allegedly 'better' phone." Or, if he wanted to be extra snarky, he could go with "does having a phone two months younger than mine really compensate for the fact that you have no hair?"
Actually, I wish he would just pick up a chair and brain him with it. Because there's never a hammer available when you really need one, is there?