Monday, September 27, 2021

Nutrisystem: Because Privilege has it's Privileges


If you're fat and poor, you can just go with Calories In, Calories Out- eat less, move more- and very safely lose one pound a week while also saving money because (hopefully) you aren't eating all that junk non-food that allowed you to pile on the pounds in the first place.  And for those of  you who want to argue "fast food is cheaper" and "fresh fruits and veggies are expensive" I will just point out that fast food is actually VERY EXPENSIVE when you sit down (which you are probably prone to do anyway) and calculate what you are getting for your dollar at McDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell, KFC etc.)  and that canned fruit and frozen veggies are just as nutritious as fresh and much, much cheaper than fresh.  Also, you don't need a fancy exercise machine or a gym membership or Jazzercise or Spin classes.  You just need to be willing to walk an hour a day.  And if you try to tell me that you don't have an hour a day, you get to hear me ask how much time you spend every day on your phone or Netflix. 

But if you're fat and rich, you can just get a subscription to Nutrisystem and have all your meals delivered to your door like you're helpless royalty incapable of actually taking charge of your life and your health but perfectly willing to burn that money you've got plenty of if it means you don't have to make any other decisions.  I mean, we're talking $495 per month with automatic refills.  I don't know about you, but that's at least three times my monthly food budget, and I eat pretty healthily.  However, it IS quite a bit less than you'll be spending per month on a diet of "cheap" junk food.  So I guess the next step is up to you.  

Sunday, September 26, 2021

These 4imprint commercials are fascinating- terrible car wreck fascinating


The idea that so much rides on your company logo "looking perfect" on a piece of junk like a baseball cap or coffee mug or backpack nobody would be caught dead using or cheap pullover nobody would be caught dead wearing is both funny and sad.  Even worse would be finding yourself working in the 4imprint factory, overseeing the sewing or stamping of some stupid company's logo on to some piece of cheap crap that is almost certain to be left on a meeting table, in a hotel room, or somewhere else because the "lucky recipient" has no need for more trash to clutter up their suitcase, let alone their office or home. 

I wish I had a dollar for every lame giveaway stamped with some company's logo which I eventually tossed into a trash can when I realized it didn't even make a decent paperweight or keepsake from the place I got it.   And I mean that in all sincerity- I wish I had just gotten a dollar, instead of garbage with a logo slapped on it.  I've never thrown a dollar in the trash or failed to appreciate getting it. 

Saturday, September 25, 2021

I don't get it. Why would anyone want- let alone "need"- the Hopper?


If you see an ad* for a device that can record up to 16 television programs at the same time and think "that's for me," it's seriously time to re-evaluate what went horribly wrong in your life.  The radio commercials for this atrocity feature people gushing about their ability to record "up to 2000 hours of television"- that's 83 DAYS of non-stop viewing -- realistically, it means that you are recording because you can, not because you'll ever actually WATCH even a fraction of this junk....I mean, do you plan to do do anything OTHER than watch TV, EVER?

*that dog looks like he'd like to go for a walk.  Any chance of that happening?  

Friday, September 24, 2021

Domino's Feeds the Privilege!


1.   Gotta love the "two minutes after it's ready" line.  What does this mean, exactly?  You pull into the parking spot, send a text to Domino's will be out when it's ready.  Within two minutes after it's ready, in fact.  This doesn't mean you'll get it within two minutes after showing up, which I'm pretty sure is what most viewers get out of this commercial.  It'll just be out to your car two minutes after it's "ready."  Ok.

2.  "Challenge 'us'- 'us' meaning our underpaid Pizza Monkeys- to get that pizza out to your car.  Doesn't matter if it's raining, or snowing, or otherwise very dangerous outside Maybe You Shouldn't Be Out In This Weather Getting Pizza, We've Got Other Underpaid Pizza Monkeys Who Can Deliver, You Know!  You are the Customer, Our Pizza Monkeys are our Pizza Monkeys, just pop the trunk and give an imperious hand-wave (if it's not too much trouble) to the cold, wet and above all Underpaid Drone who brought our precious pizza out to your car!  Not like anyone involved in the making or paying for of this ad is going be doing any of this!"

3.  Better yet, stop acting like Marie F--ing Antoinette, put on a mask, and come in and get your own damned pizza, you ridiculous, lazy twats.  You could use the exercise anyway, and the last thing you really need is more pretending that you are more important than you already think you are.  

Sunday, September 19, 2021

This ridiculous Chevrolet "Flex" Commercial is a damning commentary on Suburban Life


So I guess that if you're a white guy in America who lives in a $3 million dollar suburban McMansion, the way you "flex" show off the tailgate on your ridiculous Totally Pointless for the Suburbs Prestige Purchase, otherwise known as your Chevy Truck.

And if you're a black guy in America, you humor your white male neighbor by letting him spend ten minutes gushing about his tailgate like a 12-year old who just got his first dirt bike.*

And if you are the neighbors of this white guy, you hate being reminded how incredibly shallow your suburban life is, but also enjoy mocking your neighbor for "flexing" about his freaking tailgate when he ought to be "flexing" about something that really matters- like the new riding mower you just got to trim the grass on your postage stamp-sized lawn, or your new $2500 grill you got because you heard the guys at the office mention that it was the model that came with 140 features, 139 of which you will never, ever actually use but WILL enjoy showing off when you can get the three people in the neighborhood who can bear your company to come over for a barbecue next summer.  

And getting back to that white guy- sooner or later, he'll realize what a total black hole his life has become (having been reduced to bragging - I'm done with the whole "flexing" thing- about how his new truck comes with this expandable tailgate which made it totally worth the extra five grand he paid for a truck he absolutely doesn't need) and just blow his brains out, hopefully with a classic rare Lugar that shows good for the neighbors. 

*oh, and you both wear oversized, untucked shirts to disguise the fact that neither of you has seen the inside of a gym in ten years and couldn't actually flex anything worth flexing if your life depended on it. 

Saturday, September 18, 2021

It will never be Miller (County Arkansas) Time!


So this is what people in Miller County, Arkansas are doing instead of getting a COVID vaccine:  claiming to be experiencing Bigfoot Sightings?

As of this posting, only 12% of the population of Miller County, Arkansas- which gave 72% of it's vote to Donald Trump in the last Presidential Election- has taken one of the three readily Available at Your Local Pharmacy You Dumbass Crackers, Fully FDA Approved Vaccines.  Only 26% of citizens over the age of 65 have taken the vaccine.  Only 15% of adults over the age of 18 have received even a single shot.  

On the other hand, I'm guessing that at least 75% of the good people of Miller County, Arkansas are well aware that Freedom isn't Free, always Support the Troops,  and Remember 9/11 (though if they remember 01/06/21, it's almost certainly as That Day Freedom-Loving Patriots tried to Stop the Steal by Exercising Their Right of Protest, unless it's That Day Antifa Dressed Up Like Freedom-Loving Patriots to Frame Freedom-Loving Patriots.)  

And based on this video, I'm also guessing that at least the same proportion of the brain-dead knuckle-dragging zombies of Miller County, Arkansas believe that Bigfoot roams the forests of Miller County, Arkansas, Saddam Hussein attacked the US on 9/11, Hillary Clinton eats babies and Donald Trump is the second coming of Jesus.  Oh, and that masks are the Mark of the Beast and that the vaccines that Our Savior Donald Trump gave us are tainted with homing devices which also cause Autism because Biden keeps pushing them.  

So keep on keepin' on, inbred clueless hicks of Miller County, Arkansas.  Congratulations for bravely making up the Vanguard of Stupid.  And good luck in your continued pursuit of Bigfoot and dogged avoidance of Sense. 

Thursday, September 16, 2021

NFL kickoff "we run as one" ad, the only way to experience it.


That is, with the volume completely Muted.

I'm serious.  I've never watched this with the sound on, and I'm sure I'm missing absolutely nothing.  Muted, all we get is a crowd of angry-for-no-reason, confident-in-their-ability-to-pose-and-look-confident-for-no-reason jagoffs shouting at the camera, shouting at each other, and then (as noted) simply standing at us with folded arms as if daring us to unmute the volume.

Don't know what I'm supposed to get out of this (other than a blog post,) nor do I care.  It's hysterical with the sound off.  I'm assuming that it's completely obnoxious with the sound on.  I'll avoid that for as long as I can, thanks anyway.   Heck, even the NFL doesn't want this video shared on sites other than YouTube, and I can't say as I blame them...

I understand Carrie Underwood is unveiling a brand new Sunday Night Football song tonight (writing this on Sunday afternoon, sorry.)  Another reason to have the remote at the ready. 

Sunday, September 12, 2021

When in doubt, return to Fansville


The only thing sadder than the idea that any of the characters in the continuing story of two college students who got married and spent the next twenty years living in a state of arrested development, refusing to let go of what they imagine to be their Glory Days, is the fact that so many YouTube commentators seem to actually enjoy this garbage.  So much so that more than one loser has actually knitted every "Fansville" commercial into one video "season" to "share" with the not-quite-as-big losers who after all might watch the "season" but didn't spend hours putting it together.  No, I have no intention of using that for this blog, because that would require watching it, and no, I am not going to be watching it. 

Anyway, if you've seen one of these commercials, you've seen them all (which, again, makes the whole idea of watching an entire "season" about as pointless as watching more than one episode of Gilligan's Island or The Love Boat.)  Sad, college-obsessed parents pressure their kid to go to Generic State University like they did and to drink Dr. Pepper like they did and they do.  This one non-joke carries the entire "show," season after season, and the mouth-breathers who love this just keep asking for more, I'm guessing because most of the fans have never been to college and imagine that college is mostly about football and parties (I doubt that even they think it's about drinking Dr. Pepper, though.  I'll give them that much.) 

Saturday, September 11, 2021

What Dr Pepper's "Fansville" commercials remind me of


Oh look, it's college football season again which means that Dr. Pepper- you know, that company that produces a kinda/sorta popular cola drink for people who would consume cough medicine if it were ice cold and wouldn't poison them in large doses- is ready to inflict upon the world another season of Fansville, that "show" that celebrates stupid, juvenile obsession with Good Old Generic State University where Mommy and Daddy presumably met and never really left. 

For some reason, Mommy and Daddy bonded not only over football games at GSU but also their love of Dr. Pepper, which probably made them outcasts with all the popular groups at college which were made up of young adults and not children.  Hoping that their offspring will carry on the tradition of being a bullied and mocked pariah strangled by the apron strings of Mommy and Daddy, they send him on his way with a 12-pack of Doctor Pepper.  Arriving at his dorm with that under his arm will absolutely guarantee at least a Freshman term with absolutely no friends.  I guess getting LOSER tattooed on his forehead wasn't in the family budget, so this will have to do. 

Oh right, I almost forgot to mention what these "Fansville" commercials remind me of:  A sitcom based on a single, lame premise that mysteriously keeps getting renewed, season after season, because it's fan base, while tiny, is also fanatically dedicated.  Lots of people seem to like these commercials- far more than actually drink Doctor Pepper.  So let's strap in and settle down for another season of lunatic parents who never really graduated from college painting their faces and trying hard to pass their sad inability to Let it Go on to their unfortunate kids.  Because people who like to pretend that they ever had glory days, and especially people who think that the glory days never ended, are Funny. 

Friday, September 10, 2021

Answering the "Life's Full of Hidden Problems" Snickers Brownie Commercial Conundrum


This sixteen seconds of absolutely nothing seems to be a real hit with the YouTube mouth-breathers who are either responding to a longer version of the ad which explains what the hell we are watching, or are just being their usual "I laugh at pretty much everything and like to go on YouTube and let people know it" selves. 

I'm going to assume that it's the former.  Something else used to happen in this ad, stretching it out to maybe 30 seconds, but it was cut and we are left with a commercial with a giant hole in it- a commercial that has absolutely nothing to do with anything, and certainly nothing to do with sticking a brownie in the middle of a Snickers bar.  So I'm going to take a few educated guesses as to what this woman used to say between "Nothing" and her partner walking off:

"I was just thinking, why can't Mars, Incorporated do more to promote the obesity epidemic?  You know, like maybe find a way to add more empty calories to an already well-established property like Snickers?"


"Why do you think something's wrong?  I'm just sitting here on the couch looking outside.  Are you guilty of something?"


"What are we, a single-race, heterosexual couple, doing in a tv commercial?  What is this, 2015?"

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

What you'd really hear if AT&T employees were honest


(No, I'm not even going to address the Foam Fingers thing- just another sign that AT&T ran out of ideas for these ubiquitous Lilly ads several years ago.  Nor am I going to address the "one customer in the entire store" or "one customer in the entire store, not wearing a mask" thing.  Because I don't care.)

Clueless Employee working on fifteen minutes of training:  "It come with 5G."

Customer:  "Um, what's that?"

Employee:  "Um....I don't know.  I'm just supposed to say that, because through a blitz of non-stop advertising over the course of two years, '5G' has become synonymous with 'good' among the phone-addicted addled zombies who find themselves wandering into AT&T stores every few months Just Because."

Customer:  "Ok.  Is it secure?"

Employee:  "Um...sure, why not."

Customer:  "Look, is it by any measure better than 4G?" 

Employee:  "Yes, because five is a higher number than four.  Look at this phone- it's exactly like the one you have now, except shinier.  Which means it's newer.  Which means it's better.  Sign here."

Customer:  "Ok." 

Sunday, September 5, 2021

The Dark Reality Ignored by Indeed Commercials


Unless you are willing to live on government subsidies (aka welfare,) pandemic-related stimulus, or any money you can squeeze out of your friends and family Because They Have Money and You Don't and It's Not Fair, having a job isn't a Happy Bonus, it's an absolute necessity.  The people in these ads aren't filled with joy at the thought of having to get out of bed (why are half the people in this ugly commercial looking for jobs while laying on their backs?) and going to a job as the sun rises.  They are relieved that they get to Survive.  Because in our current economic system, you don't get to survive (you don't get money for food, clothing, shelter or health care) unless you can find someone to hire you (I will never intentionally use the term "give you a job," because nobody "gives" anyone a job- jobs are not candy bestowed by benevolent employers because they Care So Very Much.  Employees are Necessary Evils that Employers would love to eliminate and are always striving to do just that through tech.)  These people are not thinking "yay, now I have something to do with my day and don't have to just lie here in bed."  They are thinking "yay, now I get to eat and have shelter and see a doctor now and then because Capitalism." 

"And I get to tell my landlady that I can start paying rent again, though we'll both have a good laugh at the idea that I'm going to pay that back rent that built up over the last year of the moratorium.  Or at least, I will.  And I get to chirpily inform my family that for a while, at least, I won't be dunning them for money to support my sorry, kind-of-like-lying-in-bed ass." 

Saturday, September 4, 2021

ESPN College Gameday is back to make you nostalgic for pretty much anything else


Ah, now we know we're back to "Normal."  Once again, Saturdays are to be filled with hour after hour of bad music, screaming, military fly-overs (that we pay for,) and washed-up college football players* giggling, joking, and pretending to enjoy each other's company as they gush endlessly about the teams of non-students that multiple large Institutions of Higher Learning put together for the entertainment of the actual students and the viewing public to run around a large flat field for several hours reducing their lifespans by regularly colliding with each other at high speeds.  Occasionally ESPN promises to cut away to crowds of witless morons wearing their school colors jumping up and down and screaming because they saw the ESPN camera.  And because there are literally hundreds of schools engaged in this spectacle every Saturday between now and late November, the talking bobbleheads paid to talk up the 20-year old kids whose health will be in serious peril with every play never run out of material...and if they somehow manage to hit the wall in discussing which of these Fine Young Men is Very Possibly the Greatest of his Generation and Absolutely Bears Watching, well, there's always interviews with the inevitably pot-bellied, invariably White coaches who organize these bands of Fine Young Barely Not Teenagers to commit extreme violence against their still-maturing bodies because someone told them that if they worked at it hard enough they'd end up with $100 million-dollar NFL contracts before the age of 25. 

*and Lee Corso, who was a quarterback for a few years during the Eisenhower Administration and therefore a wealth of valuable information when it comes to assessing the potential of modern college football players one-fourth his age.  Corso's blathering, blithering, downright embarrassing schtick went to seed decades ago, but I guess as long as he's still breathing and able to give us that creepy grin ESPN is going to keep propping him up in a chair for several segments every Saturday during the NCAA football season.  I'd rather see painted fans screaming into the cameras, myself. 

Friday, September 3, 2021

A very brief take on this Harris-Teeter Holiday Commercial

What the hell is going on here?  What's with the twee music, the surgically-implanted smiles, and the obvious plastic-perfect food?  What's with the soft-blurred images- is this supposed to appeal to people with beating hearts and a shred of sentimentality?  Is that why I don't get it?

Mr. Google tells me that Harris Teeter is "the largest grocery store chain in the Southeastern United States," but cripes, it's like the Hallmark Channel started a food service.  I'm surprised this ad doesn't end with a girl from the Big City meeting up with her ex-High School Boyfriend back in the Old Small Town and realizing that there's more to life than sales meetings and marketing and Prestige and Money.  Especially during the Holidays, when that Old Small Town is a Very Special Place that reveals what Life is Really All About (diminished expectations and Settling.)  And then passing the rolls.