Sunday, February 27, 2022

Nonsensical SUV commercial? That's So You!


I don't understand even one moment of this ad.  In each of three scenarios, the punchline is "That's So You," but how does this make any sense as a reasonable comment?  How is having automatic parking "So" anybody?  How is bringing an entire soccer team to practice "So" anybody?  What the hell does this even mean??

Seriously, someone explain this to me.  Does anyone do this?  If a friend tells me that they just bought a week's worth of groceries or planned out the menu for the week, I might say "that's so you" because she's efficient and likes to plan ahead.  (It would still sound dumb, but I'd be justified in saying it.)  If I buy my great-nephew a toy on an impulse, I can see someone saying "that's so you" because I tend to do things like that.  But how would pushing a button that allows my car to park itself "so" me, or "so" ANYBODY for that matter?  WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?

And why do the people in Buick ads keep referring to the car brands in the ad?  Oh, right- it's because Buick is one of the most forgettable car brands available, and the owners of the company are desperate to get people to start referring to Buicks as Buicks, as if they are Audis or Lexuses or some other easily-recognizable luxury car.  Thing is, they simply aren't.  There's nothing special about a Buick.  They are Hondas made by General Motors.  

And why do the first two women in this ad act like they are totally turned on by the car's ability to do stuff at the touch of a button?  I mean, they look like they want to jump the driver.  This is just so weird. 

Saturday, February 26, 2022

That KIA Superbowl Commercial featuring the only kind of dog I'd ever own


(How this sells a KIA, I'll never understand.  Because I'm not a Marketing Genius, I guess.  I remembered this commercial from the Superbowl, but could not remember that it was for a car company, let alone which one.  I had to search "Robot Dog Superbowl Commercial" to find it.  Great job, KIA!)

Having watched it several times, I STILL don't know what it has to do with buying a KIA.  The robot dog on sale at what I guess would be Sharper Image or Brookstone if those places were still around (are there any standing Sharper Image or Brookstone stores anymore? I don't even know.  I just know they were back in the 80s and 90s but I haven't seen one in years.  Maybe because the economy hasn't exactly been built for Stupid Electronic Toy Impulse Purchases for most of the 21st century.)  We see a guy who is actually happy to be jumped on by a grubby four-legged mammal with dirty paws- so happy that the dog's owner doesn't even have to bleat "oh don't worry he doesn't bite" or "that means he LIKES you" as if that's an excuse for not controlling your stupid ball and chain wallet-emptying feces-creating family gathering-ruining ego-gratifying noise machine.   In other words, someone who is not me and someone I simply cannot identify with in any way.

That robot dog thing looks pretty cool.  Far cooler than the living thing it's supposed to represent.  I might like to have one of those robot dogs someday.  Maybe cover it with fake fur so it's nice to pet.  And drop the price.  $300 for an impulse purchase is way past my budget. 

Friday, February 25, 2022

Heinz had advertising right more than 100 years ago


"Look mommy, it's a giant floating pickle blocking my view of the mansion across the park there!  That makes me want to buy something out of mustard dressing, malt vinegar, tomato chutney, evaporated horse radish and whatever 'India Relish' and 'Euchred Figs' are.  Seriously, that giant floating pickle next to the street lamp is making my mouth water!  At some point during my lifetime of forty-something years or so, I really hope that I can regularly enjoy consuming whatever product is being advertised by that giant floating pickle!"

"Yes, my dear boy, you shall consume plenty of pulverized preserved fruits, apple and peach butters, baked bean and tomato sauce sludge to make you grow big and stout before you die of Bright's Disease or Influenza or whatever was in that wonderful tinned meat you also partook in with all the innocence of the child you currently are at a fine old age of even fifty or more, which will be several decades I have passed from this Earth of course."

Yep, advertising definitely peaked in the 80s.  The 1880s. 

Sunday, February 20, 2022

This Shaq commercial for Ring Security is kind of creepy


Shaquille O'Neal suddenly appears very concerned that someone might interrupt his personal time with a small child who is quite obviously not related to him. 

In this ad, he explains to this small child that being able to secure one's home against unwanted intruders is Very Very Important which is why we need Ring Brand motion sensors and alarms installed EVERYWHERE (like, outside the gym where Shaq likes to play one-on-one with small children.)  This is something this small child needs to know, for some reason.  Maybe to help him understand why Shaq knows well in advance whenever another adult- like this kid's mom or dad, for example- is approaching the gym?

I'm sorry, but this is just weird.  Even weirder is the apologist for the ad in the comments who suggests that "Shaq doesn't do a lot of commercials with children" and is perhaps trying to adjust his image a bit.  O'Neal has been in  LOT of commercials with children, some of which I've covered on this very page (check out his ads for The General Insurance, for example.)  So no, that argument sure doesn't work. 

Saturday, February 19, 2022

Pringles, the Superbowl, and the Triumph of Witless Minimalism


And here, as promised, is the even worse potato chip* commercial inflicted upon the innocent viewer during the Super Bowl**.  As is so common in these big game ads, it's a stupid idea that is mildly amusing for ten seconds but then dragged into the land of overdone, taxed, beaten to death and So, So Very Over before mercifully put down way, way after anyone with two brain cells to rub together has lost interest and begun contemplating something more interesting, like that stain on the wall above the television screen. 

*I'm not sure if Pringles even qualifies as a "potato chip." It says "potato chips" on the can.  But they don't taste like potatoes.  I don't know what they taste like other than Salt and Oil.

**It was a very good game, and the first Super Bowl this century where I didn't really care who won, and the first one since the Panthers v Patriots in 2004 I've watched whistle to whistle. 

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

Lays' Superbowl Commercial continues two great traditions


1.  Take an idea that is kind of cute for ten seconds and stretch it into two minutes, making it feel like two hours.  We got this joke ten seconds in.  We don't care anymore twenty seconds in.  We wish we had died before the end of the first quarter thirty seconds in.*  

2.  Depict your Bag of Product as being so full that one needs only to reach in about one inch in order to obtain a piece of Said Product.  While every bag or bucket is stuffed full to the brim in every commercial ever (and every potato chip bag is completely creaseless, so that it looks like the person is holding a picture of a potato chip bag instead of an actual potato chip bag,) in real life potato chip bags are 60 percent air and you generally have to put your arm in up to the elbow to get the first one.  

*And not only was this not the worst Beat That Idea To Death Ad which aired during the Super Bowl, it wasn't even the worst Beat That Idea To Death ad featuring POTATO CHIPS.   Yes, Pringles, you got noticed too.  Stay tuned. 

Sunday, February 13, 2022

Allstate Mayhem Commercials: See, if nobody dies, it's funny!


See, if you're going to drive like a dangerous idiot, you should make sure you have good auto insurance.  Because if you don't, when you have one of these hi-LARIOUS accidents in which By the Grace of G-d nobody is killed or even injured, that insurance will pay for your equally hi-LARIOUS irresponsible asshattery.

I mean, you COULD just keep your eyes on the road and accept the responsibility that's kind of supposed to be expected of anyone maneuvering several tons of metal at high speeds while surrounded by thousands of innocent people who are also expected to accept the same level of responsibility (plus pedestrians who are at the mercy of your ability to pay attention, btw.)  But since that's apparently not an option when you really really want to eat those French Fries (or text, or check Facebook, or any number of things that really can just wait,) well, again, make sure you have good insurance.  Because then if you get into one of these horrific but non-fatal (and therefore hi-LARIOUS) accidents, it's All Good!

As usual, the only thing more disgusting than these stupid commercials is the fact that they have a depressingly large fan base.

Saturday, February 12, 2022

Geico: Two things that don't live to be 85 years old


1.  Geckos.

2.  Morbidly Obese Couch Potatoes.

Only one of them can do anything about it.  I wouldn't suggest you use that jogging outfit you're wearing to start jogging, because I don't want you to have a heart attack.  Take some walks first to bring your heart rate up slowly.  Add a little more speed and/or distance every two weeks.  Of course, Consult your Doctor Before Starting any Exercise ProgramTM.  

And cut out the greasy Chinese takeout.  That part I can safely advise without being a Nutritionist or Dietician or even a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor (yes, there are such things.  I think the certification costs $20 and is available from the same place Kent Hovind got his "Doctorate.")

Yes, it's delicious.  But yes, it's also killing you.  Which means it's not worth it.  This isn't complicated. 

Thursday, February 10, 2022

Here's a REAL tip from Domino's= get pizza from someplace else.


No, Domino's doesn't actually believe that it's been a major hassle to pick up a pizza and bring it home from the store ("store" sounds more accurate than "restaurant," as anyone who has actually eaten Domino's-Brand Carbs and Sludge can attest.)  That's just it's way of trying to get out of the Delivery business because the cost of gasoline is pressing on the old bottom line and the current delivery fee was already inflated.  Domino's would very much like to fire all those people who have been making a little extra money bringing you your pizza by turning you into your own delivery guy.

So they'll give you a few bucks off if you'll just come by and get it yourself, and they'll call it a "tip" because you're stupid.  How do they know you're stupid?  Um, you're buying pizza from Domino's!

Sunday, February 6, 2022

I guess Ice-T just had another "Change of Heart?"


This is a guy whose 1987 album was the very first to carry an "explicit content" warning sticker.  The guy who wrote and performed Cop Killer, Body Count, Home Invasion and Born Dead.   Then he apparently decided that there was more money in steady television work and has appeared on more than 450 episodes of Law and Order: SVU.  And lately he's decided that there's money in pitching non-car insurance non-coverage and...Honey Nut Cheerios.  

At which point, we all need to apologize to Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, and all the other black entertainers we ever denounced for selling out for the mass audience.  Because doing Superman III and Brewster's Millions and The Toy wasn't selling out.  Performing in Doctor Doolittle and playing a nameless donkey in Shrek wasn't selling out.  Not compared to this....whatever the heck this is.   

Zillow totally gets the current market


I'm really, really pulling for this woman to just go ahead and buy that multimillion-dollar house which is on an island and which she clearly is not concerned about paying for, as her anxieties about moving from her already clearly very substantial house to another one is shown to have absolutely nothing to do with money and everything to do with the "hassle of moving."  I can really relate.

Saturday, February 5, 2022

The Rise and Fall of Peloton


No pun intended, but what an odd ride it's been!

Peloton- the Exercise Bike for the 1 percent- seemed to come along at the absolute perfect time (seriously, we ought to investigate this company to see if it had anything to do with the actual development of COVID-19.)  A pandemic sweeps the planet.  Millions of people are forced into lockdowns or at least voluntarily shift to Virtual Attendance at work- and most of those people now working from home are at least Upper Middle Class.  Millions see their gyms shuttered and locked and become concerned that hours in front of their computers will lead to sagging stomachs and expanding waistlines.  

Suddenly, here's a very pricey exercise bike which streams live spinning classes to simulate the experience of being on the floor of the basketball court where your fairly wealthy friends used to gather to sweat a few times a week.  It's easy to order, easy to set up in your huge living room, and fun to use- and the $2000 price tag and monthly fee for the "classes" is of no concern to you because you haven't missed a single day of work- in fact, other than being able to sleep a little later and keeping the Audi in the garage, you really haven't experienced any effects from the pandemic at all (no negative ones, anyway.)

As if things weren't going well enough for Peloton, they even managed to create an "accidentally" (?) controversial ad featuring a terrified-looking, rail-thin trophy wife desperately taking advantage of her husband's "thoughtful gift" of a Peloton bike to get up at 4 AM and sweat off half a pound or so before tending to the kids and hubby (who presumably aren't going anywhere anyway, seriously WTF?) which went viral, creating a wave of free advertising for a company that was already doing extremely well.  Hell, that ad even got parodied on SNL, which is the absolute Gold Standard for commercials.

In our winter of despair, there seemed to be no limit as to how big Peloton could get.  On December 21, 2020 stock in the company hit $162 per share, up from $25 at the time of it's initial public offering.  

And then...the day came that the board of directors over at Peloton, INC must have dreaded:  The vaccines began to hit the pharmacies.  Delta subsided.  Gyms began to reopen.  A momentary surge of optimism in the board room when Omicron was detected, but within weeks after that it was clear that the party was over.  "Back to Normal" was nothing but bad news for the Exercise from Home market and for Exercise from Home using this Ridiculously Overpriced Toy market.  Like the tulips and the .com businesses and the real estate that came before, the Peloton bubble was bursting.  

Yesterday, Peloton stock closed at $24.60 a share.  There are stories this morning that the company may be on the verge of bankruptcy.  I still see plenty of commercials for the bike on my television during football games and (especially) while watching CNBC, a channel geared toward that golden Upper Middle Class with disposable income I'd like to join someday before I die.  But the bloom is most definitely off the rose.  It's been a wild ride, Peloton.  Hope your CEOs invested their money into something more solid and less susceptible to sudden changes in the economic environment.  You know, like crypto currency- that's a bubble that will NEVER burst.  And I especially hope that the Terrified Trophy Wife Actress can still find gigs.  She's really cute. 

Friday, February 4, 2022

Keep going to Sonic; you'll be toast soon enough


Not much more to add about this awful Sonic commercial (pardon the redundancy.)  Two morbidly obese people yakking about the fatty cheese-and-grease-infused trash they are eating as they sit in their car because where else are you going to find the perfect atmosphere for consuming warm garbage?

The woman would "love" to "be toast" because "then I'd be delicious."  And believe it or not, that's the punchline.  That's it.  Why should I put more effort into my commentary on this ad than the people who got paid put in to writing it?  "I'd be delicious?"  What the hell?