Saturday, April 30, 2016

This doesn't surprise me, BMW*

The caption reads "Wife drops off Stuff," but this plays more like Rich Girlfriend Dumps Rich Boyfriend's stuff.  I don't see these people as married- for one thing, it's pretty clearly implied that they have seperate residences.  The guy is standing in front of Standard Huge House in the Burbs.  If that's THEIR house, why is SHE dropping off HIS stuff?  If she dumped him, wouldn't his stuff already be in their house?

Whereas if they are dating, she has her own place and he's gradually moved some things into it, for convenience-- first a toothbrush, then a change of clothes, etc.- and she's had enough of the arrangement so out he, and the stuff, goes.  That's what seems to be happening here.

Regardless of what's happening, it isn't "complicated." It's needlessly humiliating and cruel.  If he deserves it, his "it's complicated" means "I'm an A-One Jackass and I don't want to talk about it."  At no point does this commercial, obviously played for laughs, come off as at all funny, either- just another episode of Lifestyles Of The Rich And Not At All Famous.  But at least it's short, I'll give it that.

*that BMW owners can be passive-aggressive douchenozzles.  Doesn't surprise me one little bit.

Friday, April 29, 2016

And I don't feel even the slightest bit sorry for the people who fall for this crap.

The radio versions of ads for Community Tax tell listeners to "take down this number or store it in your cell phone," making it very clear that their prospective customer base is so stupid that it needs to be told how to go about jotting down a number they might want to call later on- if they really are that stupid.

This televised version doesn't tell us to write down the number or store it in a cell phone or repeat it over and over again until we can get to a phone or take a sharp instrument and carve it into our arms.  Instead, it attempts to win us over with throbbing buzzwords dashing across the screen  and fast talk which we are ordered to listen to "very closely."  Because the stakes are so high, after all.

And here we have another service offering us the opportunity to duck our responsibilities, this one using a billowing American flag which just screams "it's totally patriotic to shift your tax burden on to the sucker tax payers."  Diane C. breathlessly informs us that her $13,500 tax debt was settled for only $400.  Even if Diane C. is being sincere, that means that this bubbleheaded freeloader just handed us a bill for $13,100 or a larger debt.  Gee, thanks Diane C.- pardon me if I don't exactly share your enthusiasm beating the system.

Of course, I don't believe any of this, despite the flag and the insistence that I have "Rights" which include not paying my taxes.  Not even the bizarrely fascistic symbol placed over the flag after Diane C makes her last attempt to sell us on this scam wins me over (it looks like a traffic cop holding a pair of scales with his legs as he makes a Nazi salute, what the hell?)

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

I'm still trying to catch up with Owen myself, GE.....

It's bad enough that there is now an entire series of GE commercial storylines built around this weird doofus with too much gel in his hair.  But I wish they'd stick to their own lame script- does Owen have the authority to hire people, or not?  The first ad suggests that he doesn't, the second that he does.

Plus, what does Owen say to either job-hunter that convinces them they really, really want to work for GE?  He doesn't say what his salary, benefits package, health insurance or hours are.  He just spews his usual "we are changing the world" bs.  Why is this attractive to anyone?  Personally, I'd rather get in on the brain-drone thing; that looks like it would be an instant money maker.  General Electric?  Last time I checked, doofus Owen was talking about writing code to help machines "talk to eachother."  Boooorrring.

So is Owen hiring now?  Can we get that straight before we create any more of these ads, please?

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

I have problems, too. First, what the hell is this?

(Why does this ad start with Jerry saying "Hi," and then letting the illustrator tell us his story, as if he isn't there?  Why isn't it "I have some troubles?"  Meh, whatever...)

Jerry has an online business.  But, Jerry has problems.  He has a Lack of Money, and some Troubles.

But then Jerry located these people who are Experts at Marketing, Web Utilization, and basically Getting Things Done.

Problem solved.  Jerry now has lots of money.

Ok, I'm totally lost.  I have absolutely no idea what service this commercial is trying to sell- I mean, I could assume that it's a Quick Cash At High Interest deal, because Jerry's "problems" seem to center around money (there's no mention of distribution or marketing issues, and there's cartoon pictures of gold coins, so....) On the other hand, this video was found by typing "getting rich on real estate."  Real Estate is not mentioned anywhere in the ad.  Is the solution that Jerry is in the wrong business, and really just needs to hire this "team" which is remember made up of people who are Experts at Doing Things who will steer him away from that business and on to where the real money is- flipping houses?

I guess I'll never know, because I sure as hell am not about to click the link.  So- good luck, Jerry, with your troubles, whatever they are, and your team of Experts, whatever they do.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Because life without DirectTV is just stupid and backward and wrong, I guess

So....the suburban jackass who lives next door and who KNOWS that the kid who visited his son comes from a family with vastly different values just let him watch DirectTV and use the features it provides....and it didn't even occur to him that in doing so he might be exposing him to things that violate the traditions of the kid's family?

Because "settling" for homemade clothes and from-scratch cooking and (oh horrors) life without DirectTV is just weird and stupid, gee it's sad that your kid has to come over to our house to be exposed to lightning-fast video games and hour after hour of brain-numbing stupid on TV, when he's stuck at home he's forced to do lame non-digital stuff like make his own hat and work in the garden like a sad loser, right?

In real life, I'd like the Settler Dad to tell douchenozzle "I don't give a damn about your weird values because they're weird" Dad "hey, you know what?  We are raising our kids differently from yours.  Our kids read instead of watch endless tv.  They work puzzles and play outside rather than spend hour after hour with violent video games.  Because we have different values.  Instead of contaminating our kid with your 'superior' DirectTV-provided lifestyle, maybe you could show some respect for ours?"  What if Settler Dad and Family were Amish?  Would they still be "weird" and "backward" and stupid?

Personally?  I don't think "Settler Dad's" kids are missing all that much.  But that's not really the point, is it?  Neighbor Dad?  You're a jackass and have no business snarking on anyone's values.  You certainly have no businessness undermining those values.  If you can't be respectful of the "inferior" non-DirectTV world, at least mind your own f--ing business.

There are about half a dozen of these "Settler" ads out there now, running pretty much nonstop.  So I'm sure I'll be snarking on other versions in the future, but this "your son really loves sneaking off to do stuff you don't approve of over at my house" crap really set me off.   I think I'll calm down by reading the YouTube posters amuse themselves by repeating lines from the commercial.  That will restore my faith in humanity.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Poor, Sad, Deluded Woman with a camera and back pain

And if we look into this room, we can see that this patient has decorated her walls with photographs of sunrises.  She is a very interesting case- it seems that she's convinced herself that she is a professional photographer who must get up before dawn every morning to photograph sunrises because "it's her job."  

No snickering, please.  It's very unprofessional.  Let's show some compassion, shall we, for this sad case.  And for the orderlies,  who are required to unlock her door a few minutes before sunrise so that she can head outside and get that Perfect Shot of something that has happened several billion times in the past and will happen several billion times in the future, whether she manages to get it on film or not.   We had an extremely difficult time with her last week, when her back pain caused her to sleep late several times and she spent every daylight hour overcome with guilt and anger that a sunrise had actually been allowed to pass without her present with her Very Important Camera.

When she first came to us, her family explained that when they tried to tell her that stumbling out of the house and taking photographs of the sunrise wasn't exactly a "job" that anyone could expect to get paid for, she flew into a rage and accused them of not wanting to buy her film and plotting to get her fired from the imaginary magazines and news services which were always willing to pay for infinite photographs of the same thing.  And it didn't matter that she would often be sitting on rocks by the ocean at 10 AM, staring into bright sunlight, taking photographs of the ocean hours after dawn had broken- attempting to get her inside before she was "finished" her "work" could prove downright dangerous.  So they brought her here, telling her that this was the National Headquarters For Maintaining Evidence of Consistent Sunrises and that it just made sense that she make it her permanent residence.

So if you decide to actually go into her room and talk with her, please compliment her on her collection of sunrise photos, and thank her for the important-- umm-- "work" that she's carrying on for our benefit.  Oh, and ask her how her back is doing.  She appreciates that, too. 

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Real Children, Not Actors, Being Damaged at a Very Young Age

First quick question to parents:  none of you show up in this ad, but you are clearly the consumers being targeted here.*  So, why did you even bother to have kids if you want them constantly occupied by video games and movies and texting, even when you are together in a freaking car?  When did the concept of actually communicating with your kids get tossed out the window for "here, play with this crap and don't bother me- I'm so desperate to be left alone I've even gone out and bought a car with built-in distractions for you.  So, we're good- see you at the dinner table, maybe."

Ok, now on to the actual steaming pile of wretched refuse which is this commercial.  I don't care that these kids aren't actors, and I totally believe that they aren't actors- if I was skeptical, the first time one of them opened his mouth, I would have been convinced.  But don't tell me that they haven't been fed lines and cues- "you should all sigh now," "you should look dissapointed now," "you respond with 'I'm jealous,' "You all look excited when we show the car, ok?"  Because that's so blatantly obvious it isn't even funny.

Also not funny- any of this junk.  Back to my original point- when did parents become so desperate to find things for their kids to do during the 5-mile trips to school other than (gasp) TALK to them?  I could almost understand liking the idea of having WiFi capabilities if you are driving seven kids a long distance, until I imagine the kind of noise that's going to make- even if they are all wearing earphones and the driver can't hear the actual game, aren't these kids going to be yelling and screaming at each othe reach time some digital prize is attained or one of them is knocked out of the contest?

And another thing- the saleschoad's argument is centered around the idea of "fairness."  It's not "fair" that only one kid got to play the game.  It would be "more fair" if they could ALL play.  So the "answer" is to get Mommy and Daddy to buy this car so that everyone in it can play at the same time.  I mean, what's the alternative?  Taking turns?  Ugh, sounds totally 20th century to me.  And what about Mommies and Daddies who can't afford to buy cars like this (or have brain cells and simply
dont want to?)  Are they being "less fair" than the idiots who go for this level of self-indulgence?  Again- that's totally 20th century thinking. right?

*Remember when ads aimed at kids encouraged them to politely urge Mom and Dad to buy them a certain toy, or take them to some theme park?  Now kids are being told that if Mom and Dad want to be "fair," they'll blow $40,000 on a car with WiFi so The Whole Gang can play brain-numbing video games on the way to that theme park.  'Cause that would be fair, and plus you won't have to talk to me, Mom and Dad!  And the beat goes on.....

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Self-Satisfied Eurotrash Douchenozzles, for example

Congratulations, Lexus, for finding the only thing on the planet more repulsive than people who are addicted to their f--ing cellphones-- a scruffy one-percenter and his genetically superior model trophy girlfriend.

You could at least let me see them run over a few of these techno-zombies before they exchange "it's almost unbelievable how truly awesome we are" glances.  Ugh I hate this planet so very much.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

I guess I went to the wrong college, or just teach at the wrong school, or something. Because I don't get this

1.  What does "writing lots of papers" have to do with it being "Final Exam Week?"  Does the person who wrote the script for this commercial really think that research papers and exams are the same thing?  Or did this girl just admit that she blew off all her research assignments until the end of the semester and now will be basically living in the library trying to do everything all at once because she's really lousy at organizing and avoiding procrastination?  BTW, Earth to scriptwriter:  this is the year 2016, not 1986.  When I was in college, studying for finals meant a lot of time in the library.  Research meant even more time in the library.  Today, not so much.  You even show this girl with a MacBook-is she just there to use the library's free internet?

2.  Grammarly is a program which fixes grammar mistakes- so you don't have to, I guess.   If this "promotes better writing," then calculators "promote better mathematics."  The girl in this ad seems positively proud of the fact that she's using software to cover up her crappy grammar skills.  Which leads me to...

3.  Her professor, who apparently would rather have a clean, easily-graded paper edited by Grammarly than an honest one written by a student.  He barely glances at the paper before telling her that he won't be needing his Red Pen of Pain- because he heard her telling us about Grammarly.  So all this guy grades on is grammar?  This college student has a real problem stringing together coherent sentences in essays she's handed in previously, but that's been solved with a quick download, so he's not even going to bother with the substance of the paper?  What the hell?

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Because Going Green is easier when you have some

Hey look everybody, someone has found a way to make exercise more fun and accessable to wealthy people!

Seriously, here's the deal with Capital BikeShare:  you can take any of their bikes, from any rack, for 30 minutes absolutely free.  And you can do this as many times a day as you like.  Wow, that's awesome- what a terrific way to encourage people to get out of their cars and rediscover the benefits of moving their legs! Yay Capital BikeShare!

Except, hold on, dammit- turns out that there's fine print.  You'll need a credit card if you want to take any of those "free" bikes.  And it's going to cost you $8 for a 24-hour membership.  Ouch, you think- eight bucks for a bike?  Better look into this some more. Maybe you want one for a weekend?  That's $17.  Hey, that's not terrible- Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for $17....of course, unless you want to start paying additional fees, you'll have to get off that bike and get on another one (if you can find one) every thirty this isn't exactly the best option for that 30-mile roundtrip to Mount Vernon you had in mind, but....

Let's say you decide that you really want to spend a day on a bike, and you want to cruise around without stopping and constantly changing bikes every 30 minutes.  Ok- the next thirty minutes are going to cost you $1.50.  The next are going to cost you $4.50.  The official site doesn't tell you what the next thirty minutes cost, or how much you are going to get billed to your credit card if you keep the same bike out for, say, three hours, but my guess is that it will involve taking out another mortgage on your house.

(Ok, ok, I actually just checked- the cost would be $30.  Ugh.)

Oh but hey, there are discounts available if you are willing to make a small financial commitment to Capital BikeShare- if you take out an annual membership for only $85, you can save fifty cents on that $1.50 second half-hour fee, for example.  Can't afford that kind of money up front? No Problem, just get a Day Key for only $10, and $7 per day- either way you get all the benefits of that First 30-Minutes Free awesomeness!

Let's be honest, ok?  Capital BikeShare looks for all the world like it was conceived and birthed by a panel of twentysomething trust fund babies from Portland as a way to hit fellow one-percenters in the wallet by appealing to their social conscience and apparently inborn need to at least look like they are Doing Their Part To Save The Planet.  It certainly isn't for people who can't afford to drive or take the bus, which is why you would be justified in assuming that neckties come with the bikes when you take a quick visual survey of who is using the system.   Nice to know there's another option when it's nice outside and you just have to get to Whole Foods for another bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon before the guests start to arrive and you don't want to take the Audi out again.  Take that, global warming!

Friday, April 15, 2016

I've heard the food is pretty good for a chain, though....

There's actually two compilations of these Sonic commercials available on YouTube, and I can't imagine why.  I certainly don't want to meet anyone who enjoys this stupidity so much they'd sit down to twenty minutes of two-guys-in-a-car-talking-food ads.

I mean, really.  If I want to watch two guys sitting in a car engaged in witless, inane, self-indulgent blather, there are countless episodes of Midnight Screenings also available on YouTube.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

It's Awesome in Every Way....well, except....

Ok, I feel kind of bad about this, because I think it's a great idea and I'm totally down with the whole Going Green thing (I don't even OWN a car.)  Still...

1.  This thing looks like a lot of fun to drive, until you are in any kind of accident with anything larger than a skateboard.  I especially don't like imagining an accident.  Never mind the lack of side airbags.  There's NO FREAKING SIDE on the most basic models!

2.  90 percent of all car travel is less than ten miles, so I guess it's ok that this car seems to lack any kind of trunk space.  Or room for more than 2.5 people.  I guess.  And I appreciate the honesty of the ad- it doesn't show families with children cruising around in it.  So it's basically a beach buggy for legal road use.  Ok, fine.

3.  What happpens the first time you encounter high winds while driving this thing?  My guess is that it becomes a very expensive kite.

All this being said, I really hope this thing turns out to be a huge seller, leading every other car company to rush to build competitors.  I just don't see that happening until they find somewhere to stick a DVD player and WiFi, though.  Because people are spoiled brats with their cars and electronics these days.

(BTW, Critics?  You really need to get help if you can't stop raving about everything.  I suggest rabies shots.)

Sunday, April 10, 2016

The best reason to watch MeTV - the Awesome Commercials

If you don't buy this wallet, you are all but certain to be one of the people who lose a combined One Hundred and Ninety Trillion Dollars per year through credit card fraud!  (Seriously, that's what the opening graphic asserts.  One hundred and ninety trillion dollars- twelve times the national debt of the United States, more than the annual Gross Domestic Product of the entire country- lost EVERY YEAR through CREDIT CARD FRAUD.  Good lord, where is all that money going???? )

Well, that question is answered right away- it's going into the pockets of people who own handheld devices which can read credit cards through ordinary, not-locked wallets and purses.  People who by now must be so insanely rich that it's kind of odd that they would continue to risk arrest by stealing even more credit card numbers.  I mean, let's say that there are a hundred thousand people out there actively engaged in stealing credit card numbers.  According to the Must Be True Because It's On Television statistics presented here, each of those hundred thousand scammers are pulling in $1.9 million per year.  That's a lot of Sham-Wows and Eagle Eye Sunglasses!

But this unbelievably huge criminal enterprise- far more than needed to fund every terrorist organization and activity on the planet, including the purchase of nuclear weapons, delivery systems, submarines, etc- can be thwarted with the purchase of a wallet which blocks the signal credit cards with old-fashioned magnetic strips eminate?  Holy crap, why didn't the scammers just kill the genius who invented this and burn his notes, or buy up the rights and keep the product off the market?  This is like an invention which makes gasoline obsolete -- how did it make it to a totally convincing commercial being presented before an enormous tv audience during Wonder Woman on MeTV?  My faith in Capitalist conspiracies is completely shattered!

BTW, I love the totally-believable crooks nonchalantly holding the card reading devices two inches from purses while we are told they work "up to ten feet away" and the even more totally believable laptop screen reading "NO DATA" because the card is encased in a LockWallet (why would it read anything at all?  So it can detect that there's a credit card in the wallet but can't read it?  Does this make sense?)  But then again, I love everything about this commercial, because it's so fun and cheesy and stupid and easy to snark on.  And to make it extra awesome, we get ten seconds of The Benefits Of The Amazing Free Magnifying Glass Which Can Magnify All These Things And More.

The zipper on the wallet sure makes sense, though.  I wonder why more wallets don't have zippers.  Not going to buy this wallet- and the second "free" one which magically doubles the price through the typical Just Pay Extra Shipping scam- just for the zipper, though.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Another Medication which creates more patients- and another wonderful benefit of marrying Medicine to Capitalism

1.  Notice how so many of these ads are about "adding" a medication, rather than "replacing?"  I strongly suspect that it has something to do with the fact that there's a lot more money in adding than there is in replacing.  Just once I'd like to see a commercial where the doctor "explains" that the drug she prescribed isn't doing what it was promised, so it's time to try something else.  Instead it's always "that perfectly good antidepressant doesn't eliminate your symptoms 100%, 100% of the time?  Nothing wrong with that drug, you just need ANOTHER drug to fill in the gaps."

2.  Notice how happy the doctors in these ads are to prescribe another drug?  The cartoon doctor here seems downright thrilled to hear that her patient's symptoms aren't being 100% masked by whatever Miracle Drug she prescribed eight days ago.  Wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that doctors are essentially drug dealers who went to Medical School, and their money- along with junkets and other free goodies- comes primarily from dealing.

3.  Notice how one of the two constants in drug ads over the past thirty years (since they've become nauseatingly ubiquitous?) is the line "(Insert Drug Name Here) Is Not For Everyone?"  Like we don't know this already?  We are all well aware that drugs for Depression, Diabetes, Arthritis, Erectile Disfunction, etc. etc. etc. aren't for "everyone"- just the people who have been diagnosed, and who have the insurance required to pay for the expensive drugs needed to mask the problem.

4.  Notice how the other contant in drug ads is the long list of absolutely horrible possible side-effects, always delivered calmly in a matter-of-fact, no-big-deal manner?  If you take Abilify- the drug your television doctor told you to try because you aren't in a constant state of bliss- on top of the antidepressent your actual doctor told you would work the last time you visited, you might suffer from all of these other issues, each of which when experienced by normal people (with health insurance) drives those people to the doctor for therapy and-- of course-- medication.  I strongly suspect that if, after a few days of taking Abilify AND the original antidepressant, the patient begins to feel any of these symptoms, they'll be back to the doctor for even more drugs.   Putting more dollars signs in the eyes of that smiling, compassionate doctor.  And so it goes.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

How do the lawn care professionals get around all that damn furniture, anyway?

As you can tell from the title, I think about this stuff way too much.  That being said.....

1.  This family should be called the Allergys, not the Yardleys.

2.  The kids on the couch aren't doing anything other than glancing awkwardly at each other.  If she were my daughter, I'd have no problem with this.  It sure doesn't look like it's going to go any further- after all, they look like they are about 12 years old.  And outdoors.  In broad daylight.

3.  Including Little Brother in Dad's "triumph" really ramps up the Creepy meter here.  Why would Little Brother care that his sister is hanging out with a boy on the lawn?

4.  I can't believe this is part of a series of commercials about the same family which loves its chemically-produced lawn so very much that it moved the furniture outside to be close to it all the time.  Oh wait, yes I can.  Because stupid knows no boundaries in the land of tv commercials.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

The song isn't good enough. I'm going to need actual evidence of brain activity before I buy this one

Actually, if you had a brain, you would have planned out your life just a little bit better than you did, getting the college degree before the two kids and a mortgage.  You know, so you don't have to study while they sleep, and all that.

And if you really had a brain, you wouldn't be shelling out your money to a For-Profit "Education" service monster birthed by the Apollo Group, an organization becoming increasingly well-known for taking money from desperate, poor and easily-manipulated dreamers and delivering worthless degrees and mountains of debt in exchange.   You'd be going to a real college and not a Diploma Mill.

So sorry, I know you mean well but I'm not going to give you a whole hell of a lot of credit for the way you planned out your life.  Not to be mean, but let's be honest- this isnt' what you are going to encourage your kids to do when they get older, is it?

"When you get out of High School get married and quickly have two kids- once you find yourself with mortgage payments you can't handle, sign up for even more debt with a crooked bs online non-college and spend the next three years completing the work needed for the Print At Home 'diploma' while you are half-asleep from the two jobs you'll need to hold down while you see your kids for roughly twenty minutes a day."   Yeah, sounds like a plan, Brainiac.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Because I can find a way to snark on pretty much any are two for the price of one!

Anyone else think that the message of this otherwise very nice, very well-done commercial is muted somewhat by the fact that the kid is standing on what is obviously a stump?

The real horror of this commercial is not immediately apparent.  It only comes when you realize that they are rhyming.  As in- oh my freaking god, they are rhyming.  And suddenly what you thought was an annoyance becomes a war crime, complete with a sound track brought to you by a total freaking sellout of what I thought was a pretty cool rock group.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Not at all funny....

Seriously, does Heart Rate MonitorsUSA think that this is going to win me as a customer?  What idiot thought that this "joke" was a good idea?

First rule of marketing- don't tick off the base.  I buy fitness devices from time to time.  I will probably look elsewhere after this crap.

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