Sunday, November 28, 2021

KFC: It's cheaper than a gun, after all...


Deep-fried chicken AND Macaroni and Cheese AND oily biscuits AND French Fries?  You got a serious death wish there, buddy!!

Eight pieces of chicken:  At least 2800 calories.
Macaroni and Cheese side:  560 calories.
4 biscuits:  720 calories.
French Fries:   800 calories.

Total= approximately 5000 calories.  Assuming that this "meal" is supposed to be for four people (and that's a very generous assumption) that's half a day's suggested requirement for an adult male in a single meal.  Never mind the sodium and cholesterol counts, which I'd look up except that I just finished seven and a half hours in a car to get back to the area from Thanksgiving break and I need a nap.  

And they forgot the corn bread!!

Saturday, November 27, 2021

Chevy just loves dangling Stupid Objects in front of us.


The first dozen times I was hit over the head with this stupid one-obvious-joke frying pan of an ad I had the horrible sinking feeling that if I went over to YouTube I would find that thousands of my fellow countrymen just thought it was THE FUNNIEST BEST COMMERCIAL EVER LOL CAUSE IT GOT A CAT AND I LOVE CAT I HAVE CAT followed by 200 idiot cat owners (oh excuse me, cat servants in the blubbering language of the cat person) taking any opportunity that presents itself to gush about their own cats.

And, sure enough, I found exactly that- a long line of drooling, bottom-feeding idiots trying to outdo each other gushing about how much they love this ad.  Because Cat.  Because they have Cat.  Because I had Husband named Walter He Dead Now (no kidding, one commenter actually went there.)  

And then someone wrote "does Cat come with Truck," which set off a long stream of "I want Cat with truck" and "I went to Dealer Couldn't Find Version Comes with Cat," responded to with "Maybe Cat is Option," "Cat Should Be Option," and many more versions of "I Need Let Know I More Stupid Than You" than you can shake a stick at.

All over a dumb truck ad with a joke anyone with an IQ room temperature could see coming from two miles down the road.  Seriously, people.  Can we please just stop now?

Friday, November 26, 2021

Netflix Presents: And This Is Why The World Is Fat


The World (to be precise, the Western World, which to be fair is the only world that counts because it's the world that can afford Netflix) is on Netflix.  Which is probably a big reason why the world is sedentary.  And why the world is on Insulin.  And why the world's average lifespan has leveled off and is actually declining for the first time in 700 years.  No, Netflix can't be given all the credit.  But it deserves it's share for encouraging so many of us to just sit still, doesn't it?

Thursday, November 25, 2021

A Stupid, Sad, Sloppy-Drunk Thanksgiving Day, recommended by Crown Royal Canadian Whiskey


It's 12:59 in the afternoon, so....start drinking whiskey?

That's the recipe for a very happy Thanksgiving for some people.  Some very sad, very lonely people.  Let's be thankful on this day if we aren't one of them.  And let's hope that if these people do have loved ones, their holiday isn't disrupted by the hard drinkers who have decided that they should start the hard liquor pouring before the first of three NFL games scheduled for the day gets underway.

Wendy's is out to kill us


This ridiculous pile of (I assume very tasty) garbage packs 710 calories, 52% of which is derived from Fat.  That's 41 grams of fat, 16 grams of which is Saturated Fat.   If that's not quite bad enough, it also "provides" 1400 grams of sodium- or more than half the MAXIMUM RDA for sodium.  

But wait, there's more!

You can also get a DOUBLE Bourbon Bacon Cheese Fat Murderburger, which clocks in at 970 calories.  Or you can go full-on F--k It I'm Done and get the TRIPLE version, which has 1280 calories, 86 grams of fat and 1940 grams of sodium.  Want fries with that?  Of course you do!  And don't forget the large Coke, or perhaps a milkshake?  And don't forget dessert!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  This is one of the main reasons we can't have Universal Health Care:  We simply can't afford it.  Not only can we not afford the extra health care costs that come with obesity, but we can't afford to remove the last shred of incentive for these ridiculous chow hounds to get a grip on what they eat.  I'm sure there are people out there who have cut back on shoveling junk down their cake holes for the sole purpose of lowering their insurance costs and avoiding the crippling bills that come from being dependent on insulin, or are at least concerned that they might in the near future need a mobility scooter that isn't 100 percent covered by their plan.  Enact Universal Health Care and those people who don't give a damn about their looks OR their ability to tie their shoes without flop-sweating will celebrate with a trip to the Drive-Thru because F-- Your Beauty Standards You Fatphobic F--k, or something. 

Sunday, November 21, 2021

Apple really knows it's audience.


Because of course the Phone of Choice for a $10-per-hour Bike Delivery Monkey is the $1200 Apple iPhone 13.  Either Apple has no idea how much people make, or Apple is very, very familiar with the spending choices of people determined to be poor, or Apple is very, very familiar with the typical twenty-something's idea of what a "necessity" is.  

Seriously, buddy- you don't need the latest Status Flasher from Apple to do your job.  You need a $79 Garmin you can pick up on Amazon or at Walmart.  Oh but that doesn't come with three cameras you don't need, either, plus it doesn't show well for your friends,* so I guess that's out, huh?

*So I guess we know where this guy's stimulus check went, don't we?  Not paying back rent.  Not taking care of some bills that had backed up during the Pandemic.  Not Savings.  Nope, that check went right to the newest shiny toy that had the awesome power to make this guy forget that he's a poor shmuck with absolutely no sense or thought for tomorrow because if another "unexpected" bill comes up, well, that's what relatives or government aid is there for, right?  

Saturday, November 20, 2021

This Fansville "Bouquet Toss" Commercial simply doesn't work


(To be fair, none of these lame "Fansville" Dr. Pepper commercials really work, for a number of reasons.  First, not only are they all one-joke, one-beat garbage, but the one joke is always the same joke.  Second, that one joke isn't funny.)

This particular Dr. Pepper commercial fails for two ADDITIONAL reasons:

1.  It plays on the "desperate to be a bride" trope.  You know, the one where extremely attractive young women long to be swept off their feet by any fat doofus with a ring (and maybe a great iPhone package?) who comes around to offer them escape from their Last Name and a life of child-bearing and child-rearing in a suburban McMansion.  That one.  The one that's been played to death and (I hope) hasn't aged well at all.  It's 2021, television.  Women have goals that don't revolve around a guy and a house and kids. 

2.  It invents it's own trope which doesn't fit with the first one, suggesting that MEN are JUST AS ANXIOUS to get married and will mug each other to get that garter once the groom tosses it in the air.  Excuse me, but this makes negative sense in the universe you yourself created.  If those beautiful young women are desperate to get married, and those doofus fat men are equally desperate to get married, why don't they....I don't know, I'm just reaching here...MARRY EACH OTHER?  After all, these women clearly just want to get married and really don't care who offers the ring.  And these men are NOT going to do better than these beautiful young women.  Seriously, what the actual hell??

Friday, November 19, 2021

Truth in Advertising laws would require the sign above the door to read "Abandon Hope, all ye that enter."


Here's another one of those otherworldly AT&T ads featuring one a glowing, spotlessly clean store, exactly one customer, and AT&T employees who look like they HAVEN'T been on their feet for eight hours dealing with 200 angry, frustrated, sweating people who have been waiting for their name to show up on a screen to let them know that they haven't been lost in the system and will, eventually, get a chance to be told that no, they can't get the problem they have with their phone fixed unless they Upgrade to a more expensive plan. 

As usual, the customer is Already With AT&T but No Problem, she's eligible for whatever BS offer AT&T is offering this week in a desperate attempt to keep up with the competition, which figured out quite some time ago that Lily is nice to look at but no reason to maintain "loyalty" to a freaking phone service provider when there are a dozen other similarly priced packages out there offering the same thing that don't have to pay an actress whose Fifteen Minutes ran out three years ago.  AT&T isn't in any position to favor new customers over old when all their competitors are lining up to offer to pay their way out of any contract if you agree to jump over.

Because- know what?  AT&T stores don't look like this in real life.  They look like T-Mobile stores and Cricket stores and Sprint stores- they are hot, crowded and staffed by damp, limp, exhausted young people trying to balance school with the need to earn a paycheck who have a limited knowledge of phones but are well-versed in contract limitations and the concept that those paychecks depend on signing up a certain number of people each shift.  Nobody in their right mind would just stroll into one of these stores for no reason and, in fact, anyone with half a brain dreads having to walk into that door, because they know it's going to be a long wait for any help at all and odds are at least even that you'll walk out having accomplished absolutely nothing.  If you're tired enough when you walk in, you might even walk out having signed something you didn't read that's going to cost you much more than you realize. 

Wednesday, November 17, 2021

Lexus "Modern Family" commercial suggests that at least one car company has NO idea what's going on out there


I guess that Lexus thinks "Modern" equals "Ridiculously wealthy."  It's not enough that this family has a tricked-out Lexus with "stealth mode" (seriously, what is the purpose of this "feature," anyway?  Just to not wake up your kids when you get home?  For real?  Because I can tell you that the people who drive past my house have zero interest in "stealth mode."  More like "I need to let everyone in this neighborhood know what crap taste I have in 'music' mode.")  Look at that house.  Come on.  How is this at all relatable to anyone?

And as for that daughter- shut the f--k up, little girl.  Your stupid-rich parents don't have to dash home from parent-teacher conferences if they don't want to.  They are adults- even if they do act like naughty children trying to sneak back into their own house.  Go back to your bedroom in the palace they provide for you.  And thank the genetic lottery for your ridiculous privileged life.  You all make me sick.  Seriously. 

Sunday, November 14, 2021

Hey look- it's Jake from State Farm hanging out with one of his vaccinated "friends."


It's my understanding that the original "Jake" from the "Jake from State Farm" ads which first appeared back in 2011 was an actual State Farm employee who answered a casting call and landed the spot which many viewers found mildly amusing a few times (in television lexicon, that means "captured our hearts" and "became a cultural icon," because of course Television.)

And it's also my understanding that when State Farm decided to bring the character back (sort of; he's so different, I kind of wonder why they even went with the name "Jake" and didn't just invent a new character) they decided to go with someone with acting experience, because apparently being a grinning toady stalker who bleats the same lines in every single ad requires acting experience- more acting experience than that original guy could have ever hoped to achieve.  I mean, just one viewing of any of the "new" Jake from State Farm Commercials should convince anyone that the guy playing Jake probably has at least a decade of theater experience, probably even Broadway, am I right?

And State Farm is so determined that the new Jake become as iconic as the old one (how hard could that be?) that a recent State Farm-sponsored "story" about the new guy playing Jake (Kevin something.  I don't care) "assures" us that he's "here to stay," like we're supposed to be concerned, or something.  

But my question is, what is it about this role that made State Farm believe it needed to be filled with a "professional actor" in the first place?  Jake has one look- a squinty eyed, bemused level of smarm delivered with a grin that makes any sane person want to punch him square in the face.  He has the emotional range of Michael B Jordan or his female equivalent, Alicia Vikander.  He has at most three lines.  The same three lines.  In every ad.  This requires talent?  

Oh, but this guy is in much better shape than the original Jake, who didn't hang around with celebrities like a starstruck lickspittle but just sat in his cubicle doing his job.  I'm guessing that when it comes to actual employees, State Farm would prefer that they act like the first Jake and doesn't really care if they have good muscle tone because- well, they're just supposed to be answering calls, not f--king off with Patrick Mahomes, Aaron Rodgers (I bet he wishes he had worn a mask) or anyone else on the company's time. 

Saturday, November 13, 2021

Chase Business Complete Banking, Zach and Zoe, and the American Dream of Money for Nothing


Zach and Zoe are typical of millions of Americans who dream of someday not getting up and going to an honest job to do an honest day's work but instead grift their way to success by finding a niche market to sell a non-product to a gullible public which has money because it gets up every day and goes to an honest job, decided one day after visiting a farmer's market that hey, why can't they sell something to stupid rich white people?

Zach and Zoe then decided that they needed an attractive "origin story" that didn't involve anything I posted in the first paragraph because that just sounds awful.  "I wasn't satisfied with what was available out there" has been done to death, and besides, it's not like thousands of people out there aren't already selling honey, so they went with "this all started when we discovered the benefits of local honey."* Huh.  That's interesting, for two reasons:  First, if Zach and Zoe "discovered the benefits of local honey," that means that someone local was already selling local honey.  So what they "decided" to do was try to steal someone else's hustle.  Much easier than being original, I guess.  But second, don't hold your breath waiting to hear what those "benefits" are, because you're not going to.  Probably because the Benefits of Local Honey boils down to "suburban idiots think that local honey has benefits, which means they'll buy it."  The actual Benefit lies in the gullibility of people with money.

That doesn't sound good, so let's just focus on how easy it is to scam the public into buying your bee poo packaged in cutesy-quaint glass jars by partnering with Chase Business Complete Banking- specifically, how important it is to complete the transaction quickly, before that public has a chance to realize that it's paying for overpriced bee excrement because it has undefined Benefits which have never been defined and are certainly not going to be by these smiling entrepreneurs who just want to call themselves business people Never You Damn Mind that they have Nothing to Sell.** 

And to top off this stupid celebration of Capitalism, we get a scene where Zach and Zoe are feeding honey to their children because Of Course They Are.  

*and can we be honest for a second, please?  Zach and Zoe will drop that "local honey" BS the moment they have the opportunity to take this grift national.   How are they going to go about selling their crap as "local honey" when Nestle offers to add it as a subdivision and market it everywhere?  Think Zach and Zoe will give a flying damn when they are rolling in cold hard cash?  Me neither. 

**I've lived in a Dark Blue Suburb for enough years to know that there's NOTHING that upper-class white people appreciate more than the opportunity to purchase ANYTHING being sold by a smiling black family at a farmer's market, where everyone they know can see them doing it.  Because nothing brings a suburban white person closer to nirvana than patronizing a black-owned business, especially when that black-owned business is being run by a black family that looks like they just stepped out of the background shots of a Hallmark Christmas movie.  All these guys have to do is offer "Hate Has No Home Here" yard signs free with every purchase over $20 and they'll totally clean up, every time. 

Friday, November 12, 2021

T-Mobile's stupid "Switch Proposal" ad isn't even Original Garbage.


You know, this guy may as well just propose marriage right now.  First, he'll never be more excited about anything than switching to T-Mobile, so why not just ride that enthusiasm right into another commitments?  Second, it's pretty obvious that this woman- though surprised at the notion of being proposed to, I mean, just go back and look at her posture when she thinks he's about to pull out a ring- will respond with a "yes."  She's so obviously desperate- she's with this breathlessly enthusiastic-over-a-freaking-phone dweeb, after all- she'd probably accept a proposal from the waiter if he said anything that sounded anything close to one.  I'm guessing this is at least the fourth time she thought this guy was about to propose, and the first time was on their first date. 

By the way, haven't I seen this almost exact same commercial before, either for T-Mobile or another mobile service?  I'm sure I have- the only difference was that the guy was giving a smartphone to his date and begging her to sign up with him because the phone was free with a new contract, or something.  That was gross.  This is at least as bad.  

Wednesday, November 10, 2021

Slope County, North Dakota: This month's Capital of Dumb


Slope County is the smallest county in the state of North Dakota by population, with some 767 residents according to the 2010 census.  It's predominately (98%) white, with most residents claiming German as their primary ethnicity.  It's not especially poor, with a median income of $43,000 in an area where $43,000 is a decent annual salary.  The county hasn't voted for a Democrat for President since 1964 and gave 89% of it's vote to Donald Trump in 2020.

Only 10 percent of the residents of Slope County North Dakota is fully vaccinated against COVID-19.  That's currently the worst rate in the entire country.  Only 12 percent of adults are vaccinated, and less than one in four SENIORS are vaccinated.  This is a place with no hills, no trees, no large bodies of water and, apparently, no brains.  It does, however, have a lot of "peace and quiet" according to the YouTube commenters, which is pretty damning praise for a county full of knuckle-dragging loons who refuse to vaccinate against a highly contagious, very deadly disease.   I suspect that American flags and MAGA caps outnumber libraries by a wide margin in Slope County North Dakota.  I'm guessing that Joe Biden is referred to the "alleged" president among the six percent of the residents who know what "alleged" means and as the "fake woke" president by pretty much everyone else.  And I'm guessing that a significant majority of them are still convinced that Hillary is coming for their guns, any day now. 

Oh well, at least Slope County North Dakota is 1700 miles from my house and unless there's another call for an insurrection against the US government nobody from there is likely to visit my neighborhood any time soon.  So other than this post, I'll just let the Stupid Citizens of Slope County North Dakota alone and hope they keep enjoying their freedom- right there in Slope County North Dakota and absolutely nowhere else.   The rest of us are trying to have a society, after all. 

Sunday, November 7, 2021

George Foreman joins the "I'll do anything for a buck" parade by pitching Select Advisor


Anyone who watches daytime television- which means, basically, elderly people joined by a small population of lazy idiots who simply refuse to go back to work as long as they can milk the state or relatives for money- has been buried by these "Medicare Supplement Insurance" ads for years now.  They all feature men (haven't seen any females yet) who were household names in the 1970s - Joe Namath, JJ Walker, Danny Glover, and here's George Foreman- and whose appearance on television probably tweaks a nostalgia bone in the seniors or near-seniors watching the tube.  They all make their pitch with big smiles and earnest voices, urging the viewers to take advantage of all the "great benefits" they may be "missing" because they aren't using all the "Medicare Benefits" that they are entitled to.

What's really happening, of course, is that this sleazy non-insurance is hiding behind equally sleazy semi-celebrities - and the trusted name "Medicare"- to sell a non-product no elderly person actually needs.  Yes, the product is "free"- if you call giving a stranger your phone number, Social Security number, Medicare number and physical mailing address- making you a target for every other scammer who definitely will NOT let you off "FOR FREEEE" if they can get away with it- "free."  This "product" offers absolutely nothing you can't get simply by calling Medicare (it's the number on the back of the card, NOT the number on the TV screen) and asking a few questions.  And Medicare won't sell your number to grifters, go figure.  They also won't charge you for "extras" you are entitled to- which is where Select Advisor gets its money if the elderly person on the other end actually does agree to sign up.  They are the equivalent of an online "service" hiding behind what sure looks like the USPS logo offering to hold your mail for you for the low, low price of $15 per month.  But again, even if you DON'T sign up- they still have your personal information to sell to someone else. 

It wouldn't surprise me in the least to learn that Joe Namath and JJ Walker are in need of extra cash and this shameful gig was the best they could do- I mean, neither has been relevant in media for nearly fifty years (man, that's depressing to think about.  Now I'm depressed.)  But George Foreman, after retiring in 1977 having made some $10 million adjusted-for-inflation dollars, returned to the ring ten years later, made another $20 million in purses, rented his name to an electric grill company in exchange for 45% of the grill's profits (he says that he was making up to $8 million PER MONTH at one point,) took in $11 million in compensation for doing infomercials for the grill, and eventually sold out for $137 million.  His current net worth is estimated to be north of $200 million.  In short, HE DOESN'T NEED THIS MONEY.  Which leads me to conclude that HE JUST LIKES BEING ON TV and HE JUST REALLY, REALLY LIKES MONEY.  So much so that he's willing to lend his trusted face and name to Scammer Info Central.

Here's what I really don't get, though:  Why is any company allowed to use the trademarked term "Medicare" to pitch a product that is not in any way legally connected and approved by Medicare?  Oh right, because Capitalism and the fact that the United States has the most lax Truth in Advertising laws in the Western World.  At least we're Number One in something.  Too bad it has to be in something that victimizes thousands of innocent old people every year. 

Saturday, November 6, 2021

Domino's "Free" commercials remind us why we can't have nice things, like Universal Health Care


Just another "not surprised the comments are turned off it's so stupid" commercial....

Is it just me, or is there something really, really off-putting about watching a bunch of fat, listless suburbanites celebrating getting something extra-awful to go along with the pasty bland carbohydrate load they willingly handed over real money for?  I mean, I totally understand that if you're going to buy a disc of soggy dough, paste and the cheapest cheese available that comes delivered in a warm cardboard box you might be open to the idea of getting something for free along with it, but just look at the free stuff being offered and try to convince me it's anything to get excited about:  Lumps of things that look like sugar-topped chocolate lead weights and probably have the same impact on your stomach if you actually try to digest them.  More bland-as-hell warm bread.  Or just more of the pizza you apparently ordered while being of sound mind and body. 

And just in case we aren't transfixed and convinced by the witless knuckle-dragging slack-jawed yokels who haven't quite figured out how to use those kitchens which came with the houses they inexplicably live in, check out the lunatic who thought she was going to have an actual acting career screeching into a bullhorn about how Domino's is so damn desperate to shove poisonous garbage down America's Cake Hole it's willing to give several cents worth of that poisonous garbage away for free if you just add some stupid App to the 300 stupid Apps already on your phone because you have a phone with a ton of memory and you have no self-control.  And if SHE can't talk you into being hyped, well, we've got a really awful "band" playing "music" at you which is SO stupid it's dismissed by the waste of oxygen using the bullhorn. 

Yeah, sorry Bernie Sanders, but this is the reason why I'm not buying into Health Care for All.  Not as long as we're a nation of smokers, vapers, anti-vaxxers, drinkers and people who think that McDonald's, KFC, Papa John's and Domino's are restaurants and not Obesity/Suicide Assistance Centers.   No thanks, I'm not subsidizing that.

Thursday, November 4, 2021

So many stupid, pointless, witless, just plain dumb Questions from Hyundai


The only thing I'd be wondering if the person sitting next to me in the car started bleating these stupid non-questions is if I could manage to dig a shallow grave nearby without being spotted by pesky witnesses. Or why this car doesn't come with an ejector seat. 

These ads aren't clever, thought-provoking, or in any way effective at making me interested in purchasing a Hyundai, which I'm told are actually well-built cars that have more than enough positive attributes to fill a commercial.  Making BS like this beyond pointless.   And just think, someone got PAID to write this garbage. 

(BTW, I just realized that this is my 3000th commercial post!  So many terrible ads!)