Friday, March 31, 2017

McDonald's Isn't Helping

So these little girls are standing in a obnoxiously pink room obsessing over what their little dolls are going to be wearing today- and Mommy comes in to contribute "I've got just the shoes for that!"

In other words, McDonald's has its brain firmly planted in the 1950s, and no power on Earth is going to get it out of there.  I mean, really- "Barbie Fashionistas?"  "What color goes best with this Happy Meal box?"  Ugh, gross.  Way to be part of the problem, McDonald's!  What ideas you got coming down the pike for next month- "I Hate Math and Love Lipstick" themed meals just for little girls?

Sunday, March 26, 2017

I want to meet a person who finds "Jimmy Cash" a convincing spokesperson

1.  I wonder how many poor rubes actually ran out to their cars to check the glove compartment and trunk because Jimmy Cash, the shouting, dancing green elf on television, told them that there was cash in their car.

2.  $50,000?  Um, if you can get a loan of $50,000 on your car, you've got other ways of getting money and don't need the ruinous, usury level interest rates provided by a Title Loan.  You can probably afford them, though.

3.  Let's be real.  99 percent of the people who are so strapped for cash that they'd be willing to hand their car titles over for collateral on a short-term loan which will certainly bankrupt them unless they have a large amount of cash coming to them inside of a few weeks own beaters worth less than a few thousand dollars.  They aren't going to be raising huge amounts of money on those beaters, sorry.

4.  The other 1 percent are dumb clucks who got suckered into buying cars they couldnt afford but which sure look good on the street outside the apartment complex.  Which means that "Jimmy Cash" knows his audience.  Sad.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

The Manufactured Outrage Industry over at ESPN

Want to hear grown men rant about an End of Civilization as we Know It incident which took place in the world of sports pretty much every other day?  Then watch or listen to ESPN, where Society is in a constant state of irreversable breakdown.

Last week, the purple faces and spittle were the result of LeBron James sitting out a Cavaliers game--on his coach's orders--and...wait for it...drinking coffee on the bench for the entire four quarters.  No kidding.  I've heard "debates" concerning this "issue" on pretty much every sportstalk radio program there is since the "incident"- and though the "story" is a week old, it's still a favorite among hosts and callers alike.  And after listening  to hour after hour of what I'm sure were very compelling arguments about why LeBron did the Worst Thing Ever, I'm still not sure why it was the Worst Thing Ever- but I'm pretty sure it wasn't because he wasn't playing.  I think it had more to do with the fact that he was drinking coffee- several yakkers really got hung up on that point.  So if he were drinking Gatorade, sitting out would have been ok.  I guess.  Not sure.  Probably not, though, because the important thing is the Outrage.

This week, attention has shifted to a player on the Phoenix Suns scoring 70 points in a losing effort the other night against Boston.  Seems that when the game was over the Suns players were celebrating the achievement of a teammate instead of doing what I guess they were supposed to do- committing  ritual suicide because they lost.  So the Entirely Sincere Outrage is now centered on the Phoenix Suns and how their insistence on being happy for a teammate clearly signals the end of civilization because Reasons.

Oh wait, not Reasons- because the Phoenix Suns Scandal opened the phone lines to the jackass old men who seem to live to call these shows and bitch about "the younger generation" and how they just "don't have the competitiveness" that they had, and this explains why America Has Lost Its Way and is going straight down the crapper or at least it was before we elected a guy who promised to make it Great Again.  The favorite bugaboo of these callers is the Participation Trophy, which they consider to be the greatest crime against Humanity since Obamacare.  For some reason, every sixty-something male caller to every sports talk show ever just loathes the Participation Trophy, to the point of referring to our "Participation Trophy Culture."  Turns out that the Participation Trophy is responsible for the death of the American manufacturing base, the destruction of the two-parent family, and almost certainly gay marriage and abortion.   When these guys were kids, teams that came in tenth place didnt get trophies and everyone was fine with that Because.  Life was so much better when awards ceremonies ended with kids in tears, g-d d--n it!

(And let's not forget the greatest triumph of the purveyors of Manufactured Outrage, which came after the 2002 MLB All-Star Game ended in a tie.  ESPN and all the other sports yakkers were in such a frothy rage after that Worse Than The Holocaust moment that they manipulated baseball into ruining the Um Wasn't This Supposed to be Just for Fun game and making it count for home field advantage in the World Series.  Thanks, sports yakkers.  You totally suck, all of you.)

*Know what all these bitter old men have in common?  None of them got trophies when they played sports in school, and they never got over it.  It's the only explanation for why they are so freaking bent out of shape whenever they see a ten year old playing Pee Wee T-ball get a little token of thanks for participating.  Get some freaking counseling, you pathetic old losers.  Or just shut the f--k up and die already.

Senokot "Secrets," or Another Thing That Happened on my TV

Let's see if I get this straight.  Stop me if I miss something:

This woman comes home to her glowing-white house and drops a bag of stuff on the kitchen table.  For some totally inexplicable reason her Significant Other looks into the bag and sees the box of constipation medication.....and instead of just reading the freaking cover, feels compelled to take the box out and ask "what's this?"

"What's this?"  Um, it's exactly what it says on the freaking cover, you illiterate moron.  You sound like you want to say "aren't you feeling well?" or "how much did this cost?"  Instead you come off like someone who literally can't read the freaking cover of your wife's over-the-counter medication.  In short, you sound like a clueless, lazy schmuck.

But maybe you two belong together.  After all, instead of slapping you upside the head and spitting "what the hell do you think it is, read the g-d d--ned box, clueless!" your wife launches into a Right Off The Cue Cards pitch for the medication.  At times she sounds downright defensive, but for most of her scene she comes off as a woman who has been accused of doing something very wrong but who has rehearsed her alibi for quite some time.

Maybe it's the nice house- women have been known to put up with a hell of a lot in exchange for that nice house.   Or maybe she's just dim as her husband.  Either way.

BTW, the final ten seconds of this ad go a long way toward convincing me that it was originally shot in another language.  The woman says "and it usually works overnight" and walks away as if she's just done a mic drop- was that really her parting pitch?  And the final shot of the guy looking at the box again and saying....absolutely nothing....well, that just doesn't look right at all.

So, did I miss anything?

Friday, March 24, 2017

Oh just take a freaking walk and stop asking for a Nobel Prize already

"Every stumble keeps me humble?"  Um, really? Then why are you, and all the other women in this ad, talking as if you deserve some Great Humanitarian Award for going outside and taking an f--ing walk???

I walk between eight and ten miles every day.  Without these sneakers or whatever you're trying to sell me, and without expecting someone to write poems to my awesomeness.  After watching this ad, I'm starting to think that the woman in the Good2Go Insurance Commercial who proudly explains that she chose food for her kids over the luxury of car ownership might just deserve a medal after all.  I mean, she didn't even mention walking among her many admirable qualities.  I'm sure wondering where my Congressional Medal of Honor is.  I had no idea that putting one foot in front of the other was such a rebellious, in-your-face act, but then again, I'm male and single- maybe American women have been told that they can't take walks because that's just Not Something Women Do?  If that's the case, continue to Aim  High, Sister!

And I apologize for mentioning that I walk a lot.  Just my white male walking privilege showing, I guess.

What the hell is this commercial about, anyway?

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Another headache-inducing commercial inspired by- ADD, maybe?

I'm not at all sure why this automotive oil commercial, which at least for the first twenty seconds plays out like every car commercial produced over the last twenty years or so, had to be "inspired" by the fifteenth episode of some stupid action movie series, but whatever.

No, I did not get past the first twenty seconds.  Cripes, this thing runs for more than two minutes, and its been a long week, and I have to teach tomorrow, and life is way too short even if none of those things were true.  I think we can get the message in fifteen seconds.  It's a commercial for engine oil.  It's got a tie-in with a stupid movie featuring really fast cars and guns and explosions.  We get it.  WTF-ever.

Monday, March 20, 2017

As opposed to the Fake Money you get over at CashStop, I guess.....

First- I can only assume that this commercial was made by white people who think that this is how to appeal to black people.  Really, really stupid black people.  Who don't have a steady income, a bank account, or any credit- but do have a car and ownership of that car's title.  Like those people over at Good2Go Car Insurance.

Second- I'm guessing that a large percentage- like maybe 100- of white Trump supporters think that this ad accurately depicts black people and their attitude toward money in general.  And don't find it insulting or demeaning in the least.  Hey, don't all black people respond to junky yet catchy jingles and hot women waving money around accompanied by pictures of cars and more money?

Third- umm, WHOSE money is that?   YOUR money?  Your REAL money?  How does it become YOUR money?  Ah, by hocking the title to your beater- and maybe if you can get some newbie behind the counter to hand you $10,000 for the piece of junk you rolled into the lot, you might finally be able to walk away from a financial transaction as the winner.  It's far more likely that you'll be handed maybe 1/10th the value of that automobile with a 300% interest rate due in two weeks or guess what, not only are you a sad moron with no credit, no bank account and no steady income, but you don't have a car either.

Fourth- oh, never mind.  Your life sucks enough without me continuing to point that fact out to you. But in case you think that you are unique, check out this New York Times Article:   Misery loves company, and you've got a lot of it.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Here's another thing on tv that happened....

No kidding, this is an actual commercial and not a parody.  And you don't have to watch it twice, because you've got to me to confirm what you thought your eyes saw but couldn't quite believe:

The black woman and her little baby and a guy who may or may not be that kid's father show up at this fly-by-night "Tax Solutions" place while the narrator tells us that sometimes, life gets "complicated."  I think it's fair to assume that the little baby is the "complication" that has popped up. The tax prep person hands her- or the blurry guy next to her- a check for TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS (exactly) which, unless she is there to sell that baby, can in context only be taken as a tax refund.

The blurry guy then throws his hands into the air- he's really happy with the ten thousand dollar check, it seems, and who can blame him?  I mean, ten thousand dollars- that's about five years of refunds for me, and I set extra money aside every paycheck to assure a refund.  Ten thousand dollars?  Really?

Never mind the context.  This woman and her blurry significant other are selling that baby.

And all of this is being done to some steady beat while some smooth-talking jackass waves a fistful of money at the viewing public.  My confidence in the legitimacy of this organization is just soaring.  Maybe its the multiple locations, all conveniently located to liquor stores, lottery outlets and pawn shops.  Maybe its that music.  Or maybe its simply that ten thousand dollar check.  Yep, it's settled.  No Liberty Tax for me this year!

Friday, March 17, 2017

Aarons: Making screwing the poor sound downright virtuous since 1955

Yeah, Aaron's "helps" people get "the things they need" (like big screen tvs and game systems) at "guaranteed low prices" (guaranteed by whom?)  If that's what you call charging legal-only-because-this-country-continues-to-worship-Capitalism interest rates with weekly payments to people whose credit rating is in the toilet.  In other words, Aaron's, like Rent-A-Center, sells itself as a Friend of the Poor by taking advantage of the poor.  Lovely.

I do think it's funny that the words "immature" and "disorganized" come up in this ad, since those words pretty much describe anyone who signs their name to an Aaron's contract.  "Sucker" does too, but I guess it didn't make the final cut.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Good2Go: This is turning into a series.....

Well, I don't feel bad about picking on these commercials, because the people in them are just so darned loathsome.  Episode One featured the guy who couldn't pay for car insurance because he had to buy his (presumably living a distance away with his estranged ex) daughter a birthday present.  Then we had the Stereotypical Unwed Mother dragging along two little kids who needed to take the bus everywhere because she had made the Tough But Correct and also Required by Law decision to feed her kids (what a superhero) instead of buying car insurance.

At least in Episode Three, we are picking on a white woman as the producer suddenly realizes that hey, even caucasians can be stupid and reckless asshats who neverthless breed (how else can they pass on the Stupid to the next generation and provide customers for Good2Go Car Insurance?)  The woman in this ad is driving a nice car with a freaking child in the back but she doesn't have car insurance because....Reasons.  I'm sure she has what she thinks are good reasons.  But without knowing anything anything else about her, I can say with great conviction that no, no she does not.

Because think about this for just one more moment than the makers of the ad want you to- this is a woman who is carting a minor child around in her car without insurance.  So if they get into a wreck and that girl is injured, Literally Criminally Stupid Mom can explain to her child why the immensely thoughtless idiot who gave birth to her can't pay for her physical therapy.  "You see, honey, Mommy thought it would be ok to drive without car insurance because she would be really really careful and not get picked up by the police."  I'm sure she'll understand.

And being the clueless, selfish jackwad she is, I'm sure this woman will walk away from this experience- after paying a hefty fine and having her license suspended- thinking how unfortunate she was to be picked up by that g-d d-mned cop who should have been off arresting REAL criminals.  And wishing she had bought SortOf Insurance from Good2Go- it wouldn't have paid for any of her daughter's injuries, but it would have kept the G-d D-mned Fuzz off her back, and that's what it's all about, right?

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Another Good2Go dose of Depression. You're welcome.

Here's another idea, Martyr Mom- instead of acting as if you woke up one day with two kids and no money, go back in time and plan a little differently.  Or maybe just plan.  Then maybe you won't have two kids, bags of groceries, and no auto insurance....

Wait a minute.  So buying a car would be no problem- it's the insurance payments which would keep food out of the mouths of those kids (who, I'm sorry, really lost the genetic lottery.  Sorry kids, your mom is a moron and you are going to pay the price?)  And now that you are about to learn about Good2Go's super-convenient Low Low Prices For Sort Of Insurance Hey It Meets the Bottom Of The State Standards, you suddenly have the dough to buy a car so you can drive to the store and buy...well, what, exactly, since its hard to see how you also have money now....

Here's a tip, Stupid Woman Who Really Really Needs a Time Machine:  In another couple of years, those kids will be big enough to help you with the groceries.  Then they'll be out of the house most of the time with their friends who have parents with measurable IQs and both food AND transportation.  Then you can just grab food for yourself before you hop on that bus.  And wonder what happened to your youth and your dreams of a decent life.

Oh and btw, thanks for perpetuating the "single black mom" stereotype.  Really needed to see that again.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Good2go auto insurance: Depressed Yet?

The guy in this ad HAS a car but he doesn't have auto insurance because....well, in his own words, every time he's ABOUT to buy insurance, something comes his daughter's birthday.  And then, we can assume, he breaks into that jar on top of the fridge, scoops out the change he was GOING to use to buy car insurance, and uses it to buy something a birthday present for his daughter.

I'm sorry, but I just gotta say it:  I think it's pretty damn safe to assume that Daddy got kicked out of the house by Mommy quite some time ago, and it probably had something to do with the fact that Daddy never quite got his act together when it came to being an adult with money.  It's all well and good that Daddy thinks it makes sense to own a car he can't drive because he can't afford insurance, but it's probably best for Daughter that he go on thinking that way Somewhere Else.  After all, Mommy looks like she's doing all right for herself in her own home, which I think it's also safe to assume she got in the otherwise Very Meagre Divorce Settlement.

So Daddy may show up for Daughter's Birthday in a bus because he couldn't pull together enough money for a present AND car insurance, and he decided to show up with a present this time around.  But if he arrives in a car and also has a present, that means he's aquired cut-rate, pays-for-nothing-but-satisfies-the-law month-to-month insurance, not that he's turned his life around and landed a decent job which allows him to buy standard auto coverage because he's also fixed his credit rating and gone some time before smashing into somebody or something.  In either case (and I know this is going to sound really mean) its nice that Daddy stopped by but its much, much better for all involved that he is going back to his own home at the end of the day.  Daddy's not ready for the real world, and maybe that's not his fault, but its not his daughter's responsibility, either.

Thanks for the present, Daddy.  Love you always.  The C9 will be along any minute.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Ask for a little extra, buddy- that Rent A Center bill comes due on Monday!

Maybe I shouldn't make fun of people who are so cash-and-credit poor that TWO FLAT TIRES makes them easy bait for a quick-cash loanshark company like this, even when that company is represented by a stupid fat toad in a freaking cape, but....


Ok, that's out of my system.  Now please, take the "loan offer" from the company recommended by a total stranger WEARING A FREAKING CAPE and get yourself two new tires so you won't be late for your shift at Denny's.  And keep your chin up- it's only a matter of time before your vote pays off and Trump Makes America Great Again!TM.

Until then, there's always   Moron.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Pretty White People, Their Glowing White Dog, and Flonase

Gee, I feel sorry for the pretty white people who used to feel limited by their allergies and weren't allowed to take their unleashed dog for long runs through the woods, where it could playfully jump on me and knock me down, after which these pretty white people would explain that he was "just being friendly."

But maybe I'm being unfair to the dog- apparently it's so well trained that it won't even shake itself dry until it is in its own home, being tended to by its perpetually delighted weirdo pretty white owners whose entire lives seem to be wrapped around their fixation on that bizarrely clean dog.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Tax10000, another tax cheat enabler making my hobby so much easier

Never mind the super-cheesy "Owed" v. "Really Paid" graphics, or the "Are you sitting down?  You only owe this much.."  (yeah, that sounds like a message from a company I would trust.  Super professional.)  Never mind the stupid scene with the "married couple" who look like they are in their late-teens are struggling with big wads of paper- how the hell did these people get into such a big tax mess before they were old enough to go to prom?

No, the most hilarious part of this ad is at the very beginning, when the first guy plays us his recording from Tax100000 or whatever telling him that he only owes $8000 of a $50,000 tax bill.  It's hilarious because you know damn well that five seconds after he got that recording, he was on the phone with another RipOffTheGovernmentDontPayYourLegitTaxes scumbag agency to complain about the remaining $8000.  And that he'll be in debt to the tune of about $50,000 five years from now.  Because you can't fix stupid OR selfish.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

For another ten cents, will Checkers give you a napkin?

This disgusting ad- and other versions of it- show up on the television mounted to my elliptical at the gym only about four hundred freaking times an hour.  And every time it does, I ask myself the same questions-

1.  If this woman is sitting in her own damn home eating this greasy stuff, why can't she find anything to wipe her damn fingers with other than her tongue?  She doesn't have a paper towel, cloth towel, or napkin, anywhere in that entire house?  Cripes.

2.  Why would this ad appeal to anyone?  It doesn't make the food look good, and it sure doesn't make me hungry.  It actually turns my stomach little.  Plus, the message is "if you're the kind of person who likes to buy cheap stuff, here's our cheap food to fit your lifestyle."  Ugh.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Taco Bell- because quantity trumps quality, I guess.

Wow, that was close!  This lovely young couple almost stopped at the traditional fried chicken stand to buy and consume traditional fried chicken, when just down the road is one of the 13,000 Taco Bells scattered around the United States and where they could purchase mass-produced, tasteless greasy crap instead!

If this was a commercial for a hotel chain, we'd see this couple fly right past the rustic Bed and Breakfast and hit the Motel 6 at the next exit instead- and be totally convinced that they made the right choice.  "Wow, that was close- we almost chose quality!!"

What kind of bizarro world do I live in, anyway?