Saturday, March 25, 2017
The Manufactured Outrage Industry over at ESPN
Want to hear grown men rant about an End of Civilization as we Know It incident which took place in the world of sports pretty much every other day? Then watch or listen to ESPN, where Society is in a constant state of irreversable breakdown.
Last week, the purple faces and spittle were the result of LeBron James sitting out a Cavaliers game--on his coach's orders--and...wait for it...drinking coffee on the bench for the entire four quarters. No kidding. I've heard "debates" concerning this "issue" on pretty much every sportstalk radio program there is since the "incident"- and though the "story" is a week old, it's still a favorite among hosts and callers alike. And after listening to hour after hour of what I'm sure were very compelling arguments about why LeBron did the Worst Thing Ever, I'm still not sure why it was the Worst Thing Ever- but I'm pretty sure it wasn't because he wasn't playing. I think it had more to do with the fact that he was drinking coffee- several yakkers really got hung up on that point. So if he were drinking Gatorade, sitting out would have been ok. I guess. Not sure. Probably not, though, because the important thing is the Outrage.
This week, attention has shifted to a player on the Phoenix Suns scoring 70 points in a losing effort the other night against Boston. Seems that when the game was over the Suns players were celebrating the achievement of a teammate instead of doing what I guess they were supposed to do- committing ritual suicide because they lost. So the Entirely Sincere Outrage is now centered on the Phoenix Suns and how their insistence on being happy for a teammate clearly signals the end of civilization because Reasons.
Oh wait, not Reasons- because the Phoenix Suns Scandal opened the phone lines to the jackass old men who seem to live to call these shows and bitch about "the younger generation" and how they just "don't have the competitiveness" that they had, and this explains why America Has Lost Its Way and is going straight down the crapper or at least it was before we elected a guy who promised to make it Great Again. The favorite bugaboo of these callers is the Participation Trophy, which they consider to be the greatest crime against Humanity since Obamacare. For some reason, every sixty-something male caller to every sports talk show ever just loathes the Participation Trophy, to the point of referring to our "Participation Trophy Culture." Turns out that the Participation Trophy is responsible for the death of the American manufacturing base, the destruction of the two-parent family, and almost certainly gay marriage and abortion. When these guys were kids, teams that came in tenth place didnt get trophies and everyone was fine with that Because. Life was so much better when awards ceremonies ended with kids in tears, g-d d--n it!
(And let's not forget the greatest triumph of the purveyors of Manufactured Outrage, which came after the 2002 MLB All-Star Game ended in a tie. ESPN and all the other sports yakkers were in such a frothy rage after that Worse Than The Holocaust moment that they manipulated baseball into ruining the Um Wasn't This Supposed to be Just for Fun game and making it count for home field advantage in the World Series. Thanks, sports yakkers. You totally suck, all of you.)
*Know what all these bitter old men have in common? None of them got trophies when they played sports in school, and they never got over it. It's the only explanation for why they are so freaking bent out of shape whenever they see a ten year old playing Pee Wee T-ball get a little token of thanks for participating. Get some freaking counseling, you pathetic old losers. Or just shut the f--k up and die already.