Saturday, April 21, 2018
Hey everybody, I'm a bit too busy to do a post today so I asked Frito Pendejo from the film Idiocracy to do a guest appearance on the blog and write today's commentary. Take it away, Frito!
"This Dunkin Donuts Commercial, like ALL Dunkin Donuts Commercial, is wicked funny even hilarious but for totally different reasons than the others are, that just shows how smart the Dunkin Donuts Commercials people are!
This one is fun for LOL so many reasons! First, because there's this really really old guy sitting on a bench who is so OLD LOL that it takes a half an hour for him to get his food to his face ROTFLMAO I bet he hasn't had anything hot to eat in maybe like thirty years! Plus check out that look in his face OMIGOD CLASSIC it's so obvious that he's got dementia or some other really really FUNNY old person disease, he probably doesn't even know what planet he's on MY RIBS ARE TOTALLY SPLITTING NOW. And don't even get me started on how long he's been sitting there I mean once these guys sit down you can bet they never get up without some kind of weird chair assist thing OLD PEOPLE AND THEIR MOBILITY ISSUES OMIGOD THERE OUGHT TO BE A SHOW ABOUT THEM I WOULD SO WATCH! I bet he lost control of his bowels hours ago LOL!!
And as if that's not enough hilarity for one VERY VERY FUNNY Dunkin Donuts Commercial, a disease-ridden rat with wings swoops down and steals the guy's food I ALMOST DIED. I guess it might be a little sad if that meant the old guy is not going to have anything to eat now, but don't worry the young woman sitting next to him replaced the sandwich with another one 'cause you see the point is that it's buy one get one free or two for $2 or something I don't know didn't really pay attention 'cause too busy focusing on the REALLY FUNNY OLD MAN AND HIS PROBLEMS!!
Thanks Dunkin Donuts for another SUPER-FUNNY Ad I just HAD to share with everybody! Made my weekend (how f--ig sad is THAT?) Now I'm gonna go get myself some Dunkin Coffee 'cause this ad so put me in the mood for it and a sandwich too, well done!"
Friday, April 20, 2018
During the 9th hour of this friendless, disgusting loser's marathon binge-watching of Game of Thrones, her stomach suddenly reminded her that she had not budged from the couch except to use the toilet (because couch-toilets won't be widely available until sometime next year) and that she really should consume some calories before the rest of her body goes the way of her brain somewhere around Hour 4.
The kitchen is in the next room, but that's All The Way Over There and besides she hasn't been outside to see if Peapod made her grocery delivery and the porch is Even Farther Away, so she reaches for the laptop and starts looking for a good deal on a pizza. Turns out that she's not just lacking in a life or friends or any interest in getting her pathetic ass off that couch- she's also kind of short on money, because instead of just going to LocalPizza.com she has to hunt around for a coupon first.
Meanwhile, she's getting REALLY hungry. I mean, just listen to her stomach. I mean that. Listen to it. I had to, so you do too.
In the end, this twat somehow managed to get to the front door when the pizza showed up- I'm sure she was totally put out that the delivery guy didn't just bring it into the living room and shove the first piece into her mouth, but maybe she made an arrangement with him so he will next time. And the commercial ends with us getting to see her pig face smeared with tomato sauce as the population of Idiocracy has a big belly laugh over all of this because OMIGOD That Is So Me Sometimes.
After she's consumed a few slices, it's back to bleaching her brain for another hour or so, or until the carb and sugar infusion puts her into a semi-comatose state, right there on the couch. Tomorrow she wakes up in dirty, stained clothes, stuck to the cushions by her own perspiration, next to a box of cold, stale, half-eaten pizza swimming in it's own bacteria. Yep, she's living the dream, all right. Thanks, Honey!
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
Hey look everybody, it's the squishy blob of protoplasm currently employed as a spokesomething by Verizon Fios! Seriously, though, I don't like being mean- but what the hell is WITH this kid?
It's bad enough that he sounds like he's sucking on marbles and he looks like leftover genetic material from a Science Fair experiment gone horribly wrong, but what makes it truly horrible is his endless pimping for a crappy internet service devoted to keeping us glued to our electronic devices 24/7.
So I have only two questions for this thing-
1. Have you ever made a friend other than online, or do your fellow gamers labor under the false impression that they are playing against a fellow human being?
2. Do you get your raw fish treat as soon as the shoot is over, or do you have to flap your flippers and bark some squeaky code first?
Sunday, April 15, 2018
Seriously, this creepy kid is devoting his entire life to judging other people's online entertainment equipment? WTF is that all about? How much is Verizon Fios paying him to be the most annoying, nosy little brat in the neighborhood?
He's so freaking obnoxious in his whoring for Fios that I'm not even going to get triggered over the little girl's "it better" response to the question about a woman's new setup's ability to provide endless electronic entertainment to all the kids on the block. Personally, I'd rather NOT own the house that is a kid magnet because it's the Place to Be when you want to turn your brains into puddles of warm pudding watching television or "surfing"* the internet. "It better?" Hey kid, you're threatening to pull a little hissy fit if your connection isn't up to your standards? I suggest you re-evaluate your position in this family. See, you're a child. You don't pay the bills and you don't make the decisions. Want to waste your life watching tv? You can start doing that the moment you move out.
We desperately need an SNL parody of these ads which include the neighbors just telling this nasty little jerk to just f--k off and report back to the science lab he escaped from. Yes, I went there. No, I'm not going apologize. This kid is WEIRD.
*Actual surfing is exercise. Looking for stuff to watch on tv is not. So, it's not surfing.
Saturday, April 14, 2018
So this thirtysomething guy walks into an Edward Jones Brokerage office to meet with the woman who has been handling his parents' money for years. The parents have been talking to her for years about their son, no doubt mentioning on more than one ocassion that he has a decent job and a wife and family but has shown very little interest in planning for the future.
Finally, the son has been guilted into visiting with Mommy and Daddy's investment fund manager. The very first thing she does is let him know that she's got at least some of the backstory. The very first thing HE does is let her know that he's basically still just a little boy whose parents have been nagging him to do at least a LITTLE thinking about tomorrow and how maybe buying a house and establishing a college fund for his son just MIGHT be something he should be looking into.
Edward Jones lady lets the son know that she's really not all that interested in what Mommy and Daddy think (I really doubt that's what she told them when she was urging them to get their son to give her a call.) Never mind that house and college stuff, what does Son want for the future?
For the sake of this guy's wife and son, I kind of hope that he ultimately puts aside his pride and admits that yeah, actually, his parents are spot on with their ideas of what he should be doing now that he has a wife and a kid. Especially that whole college fund thing. But what if he doesn't, and the next thing out of his mouth is "that's so cool, because what I REALLY want is to take a couple of years off to find myself in Tibet and then get a kick-ass dirt bike for the weekends. I figure my kid will get a scholarship?" How does Edward Jones I'm Really Interested In What You Want Never Mind Your Parents lady say to that?
I don't think it would have been SO bad for this woman to reply to his opening statement with "yes, a college fund is really important, even if you had to be told that by your parents." Because it kind of is regardless of who said it first, right?
Friday, April 13, 2018
If the last frame of this noxious dumpster fire of an ad doesn't leave you wanting to punch someone, you are much more tolerant, calm person than I am. Because I didn't just want to punch the guy spreading his arms out in a "I own the universe 'cause check out my LookAtMeMobile" gesture- I wanted to punch him, knock him down, and roll him off the nearest cliff. And then send his car down after him.
You have the right to be proud of an accomplishment like climbing a mountain with a heavy bag on your back. You do not have the right to feel the same way for purchasing a trinket with four wheels and a sound system that makes people even more shallow than you turn and stare as you roar past, dicktard.
All of this "Feel Alive By Driving This Car" bilge is even worse if you watch it without sound, as I originally did. Because without sound you focus on the smug, cocky-for-no-reason jackanapes who populate the ad. These people are all doing things that really ought to make them "feel alive"- hiking, cardioboxing,etc- and yet they don't quite achieve actual "Alive-ness" until they blow 80 grand on an impractical automobile which says nothing to the world except "I've got money to burn, and charity begins at home, with me."
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
See, it's FUNNY because the disgusting coworker reached out and took food right out of the hand of the food's owner and ate it and proclaimed it good! The disgusting coworker clearly dominates the office- he's probably the mentally ill son of the boss. I sure hope so- because that would make it EVEN MORE FUNNY!
And the fat doofus who got his food stolen- see, it's FUNNY because it was a two-to-one deal and he has another sandwich getting cold in a desk drawer, so he has no problem losing half of his artery-hardening breakfast to the obnoxious bully who clearly runs and terrorizes the office (again, because he's almost certainly the mentally ill son of the boss.)
It's FUNNY no matter HOW you look at it! Thanks Dunkin Donuts!
Sunday, April 8, 2018
I guess it's supposed to be funny that this insane woman is throwing her boyfriend's belongings out the window, being a total jackass in front of an entire neighborhood which is really really wishing that it was HER who was being evicted because they are sick to death of worrying about what the Emotionally Unstable Nutcase they have to warn their kids to avoid is going to do next.
The guy in this ad is the really lucky one here- he's getting out of a toxic relationship before he managed to foolishly codify it with a marriage license and all the legal problems that could cause down the road. I don't see any kids around, and I'm going to assume from the "lighthearted" tone of this crud that she didn't toss them out any windows offscreen. So when he's done being embarressed in front of all the gawking, horrified and thoroughly disgusted neighbors, he can just walk away and get on with his life. He should start by ending his subscription to the LookingForAbusiveUnstableLunatics dating site.
Meanwhile, just try to imagine the outrage if you reverse the sexes here. Let me know how long it takes for your brain to explode.
The commercial ends with Insane Woman settling down to watch some tv to kill time before the police arrive. Warms the heart.
Saturday, April 7, 2018
I could have spent an entire post complaining about the monstrosity of an LA house this SUV is parked in front of. Seriously, what the hell- is that George Lucas' house, or what? Who lives here? Why did we come here to make this ad? What the serious hell is going on here?
But it gets much, much worse- after today's group of "Real People, Not Actors" bleat their orgasmic appreciation of the crap Chevrolet sitting in front of them, we get a stunningly pointless punchline- family I guess they have not seen in agest is sitting inside, presumably waiting for them to get done slobbering their lines so they could be released from their freaking tombs and step outside into the lovely driveway above Los Angeles.
What happens next isn't exactly clear- everybody's just walking away from the house and the SUV. Where are the going? Are they being escorted to the bottom of the hill so they can consult the bus schedules after a quick "thank you" handshake from the Chevy spokeschoad? They seem to be making a pretty quick exit- did Lucas not give them permission to use his house and driveway as the backdrop for this ad? I'd think grandma might need a drink of water or to use the toilet after all that time in the Chevy waiting for the door to open....
Oh, what's the "outtake" I mentioned in the title? Well, turns out that the family that emerges from the SUV at the end is completely CGI'd. The original family died of heat exhaustion sitting in that damn thing waiting for the door to open, afraid that if they just gave up and opened it themselves they'd ruin their chances to be on the TV. Poor grandma,being brought to the airport and put on a plane and flown to Los Angeles to see relatives only to die in the back seat of a crummy Chevy SUV while her granddaughter drooled all over her tomb.
Friday, April 6, 2018
My original take on this commercial along the lines of another "ugh we are becoming more and more helpless and dependent on this stupid technology by the second." It worked better with the long (tv) version, which includes a woman almost killing herself in her own home because she "can't" find the light switch Thank Heavens For Google Now You Can Just Tell Google To Turn on the Lights you Used to Have to Turn On All By Yourself Like Your Ancient Ancestors Did and two jackasses in a car bleating "I'm not gonna do it" which I guess means it was never going to get done before the opportunity to ask Magic Listening Voice to do it.
Because this is a (mercifully) short version of that noxious waste dump of an ad, I'll go in another direction: Google, Alexa etc. are, in fact, the Fifth Column of Capitalism, welcomed into our homes disguised in the irresistable trappings of Convenience. Every time we bleat a request or command into one of these things we pretend are serving us, we are adding to our electronic ID being compiled by Corporate America. What we like to watch, what we eat, when we are home, when we are in our cars, the names and phone numbers of our friends, the web sites we visit, the medications we take- every. Single. Scrap. of information we share with our "Google Assistant" is being shared with the world.
Maybe most of us don't give a damn anymore- we're constantly taking selfies and lovingly editing them with our $1000 cameras before posting them everywhere, we're telling pollsters that we "don't care" if the government reads our emails or listens to our phone calls because "If I'm not doing anything wrong I've got nothing worry about." So if someone wants to learn all about me through my barked commands at the Alexa or Google device I've got sitting in my house, well, at least I don't have to dial or go online to get a pizza, and I'll never trip in the dark again so there's that, too.
Wednesday, April 4, 2018
I'm dealing with the radio verson of this commercial on XM Classic Radio every few minutes, so now you have to too. You're welcome.
The radio version really targets the middle-aged, asking again and again if they're "frustrated" that they have to "pee so often."* The announcer uses the word "pee" so much I'm surprised he doesn't break into snickering and giggling at some point in the ad. Is the word "urinate" hard to pronounce? Do the makers of Beta Prostate think that middle aged people won't know what it means? Or do they think midde-aged people will giggle appreciatively at the word "pee" too?
Anyway, on to this product, which I guess is endorsed by Larry King (as if that means anything- what over-the-counter miracle "medication" ISN'T endorsed by Larry King?) It's all about the symptoms, people, and this stuff "may" be effective in dealing with those symptoms. You can get it by calling a toll-free number or going online, both of which are a lot easier than making an appointment with an actual doctor who might give you an examination and maybe, you know, find the CAUSE and treat THAT.
Which might be significant. Because problems with the prostate are no joke. I seem to remember that there's a form of cancer involving the prostate- what was that called again?
But never mind that. What you don't know won't hurt you. Be like the idiots who pop two Aleve a day, every day, to deal with regular, nagging pain. Or the "this is nothing if I treat it like nothing" living-in-denial dopes who wrap copper around their aching knees. If you don't go to the doctor, you can't be diagnosed with something serious. So stay away from the doctor and stick with home "remedies" like this crap. Keep handing Larry King your money. Those trophy wives don't come cheap, and the divorces are even pricier.
*In case you wanted to give credit to XM Radio for picking its commercial spots wisely, I am also constantly assaulted with ads for Channel 43, which sounds like a very loud modern "music" channel targeted to angry illiterates in the 16-25 range, so there's that, too. I'm sure devotees to Classic Content Radio will rush over to Angry Oppressed Millionaire Rap Channel 43 as soon as Life with Riley and Lux Radio Theater is over.
Monday, April 2, 2018
Seriously, stop showing me this crap on tv, please. The LAST thing I really need in my life right now is ads featuring grinning, already-have-pretty-much-everything millenials checking out the benefits of a g-d d--ned "Liferoom." You know, it's just a thing to park between your million-dollar McMansion and the pool- or perhaps to enhance your view of the f--ng marina.
I hate absolutely everybody right now.
Sunday, April 1, 2018
1. The special effects at the beginning of this ad are AMAZING! It's like they have a camera on the moon! How did they do that??
2. They don't tell you in the ad, but the only way to really wash these things down was with a cold glass of Tang. Tang and Space Sticks for lunch= you're an astronaut, ready to build that colony on the moon before the 1980s are over!
And here's mom's version of Space Sticks. Except that my mom bought them for ME because they were something I would actually eat if she packed them for my school lunch (sandwiches got traded away- I could never eat packed sandwiches when I was a kid for some reason.) I'm not sure why eating them constituted "revenge" against cheesecake and other sweets, but whatever- remember, revenge is an edible plastic wafer best served cold! You go girl! Sister Power!
(BTW, this woman must be in her late-sixties by now. I wonder if she ever gave up the fake food and learned to keep her weight down through diet and exercise, or switched to that other "proven weight control device" popular in the 1970s, cigarettes?)