Saturday, March 30, 2013
Oh yeah, this guy will know how to build a tree house in time for the sleep-over. Sure he will.
I have to admit, I'd almost enjoy watching Mr. Suburban Dad nail himself to a tree building a death trap for his son instead of setting his sad standard of manhood aside and hiring someone who knows what the hell he is doing. Since I'm going to be deprived this particular pleasure, I guess I have to review this commercial instead.
What I find really funny about this ad is that it seems to carry two opposing messages:
First, you can find all the information you need to do anything you want to do online. No matter what you want to get accomplished, as long as you have this device and this level of connectivity, you are only a few finger-rubs away from finding someone who made a video showing you exactly how to do it. (Yeah, right.)
Second, that if you are a totally helpless dweeb with ten thumbs, no video is going to suddenly turn you into someone who knows how to do something that's more complicated than boiling eggs. (Certainly not one narrated by "Handy Hanson" whose entire "how to build a tree house" lecture involves "first you need a good piece of timber" and "how many steps do you need? Depends on how tall the tree is." Brilliant! ) The guy in this ad acts like he's never seen a piece of wood before, and it's pretty obvious he doesn't get which end of this awesome, odd-looking "hammer" device is supposed to be used to drive the nail.
So is this service a good thing to have, or what?
(It's also pretty obvious that this tree house is not going to get built; not by this guy, anyway. But I'm sure Verizon's awesome service will help him find a carpenter who can build one that won't kill his kid. Not in time for the sleepover, but you can't have everything, even if you do live in the suburbs.)
(BTW, the narrator told us it's Saturday morning- so why are the kids about to show up for the sleepover? REWRITE!!)
Friday, March 29, 2013
More Fun with Fios
Hey Parents, Listen Up!
What do you think you get if you give your preteen boy his own computer, lightning-fast internet speed, and all the privacy he wants?
If you said "a socially retarded, maladjusted kid addicted to porn and Facebook who has absolutely no friends outside of chat rooms," you'd be wrong!
If you said "a pasty-faced, overweight, vitamin-D deficient emotional wreck obsessed with Gaming whose closest acquaintances are 45-year old men posing as 13-year old girls," you'd be wrong again!
If you said "a hollowed-out, angry shell of a child who never, ever does homework and who stumbles downstairs for Doritos and Red Bull every 16 hours displaying massive black bags under his eyes while snarling monosyllable non-responses to your polite attempts to start conversations with things like 'so, how's that science project going?' " you are really batting .000, people!
But if you said "a budding genius whose ability to access all the best educational sites in the world with the click of a mouse leads him to win Science Fairs and to magically transform into a Straight-A student who is the envy of all the other parents in the community- nay, the STATE, especially after making a trademark-infringing yet fully functioning Iron Man suit"- you'd be spot on, congratulations for buying in----errr, I mean, INVESTING in your child by investing in Fios!
Oh and btw, as long as you are here anyway- what would you say if I told you to go see Iron Man 3?
If you said "why the hell would I do that, considering that Iron Man 2 was such a steaming pile of donkey dung?" you are back to being wrong!
But if you said "Of course I'll go see Iron Man 3, I SO want to see the further adventures of Robert Downey Jr. when he's starring in that other franchise which does not include Jude Law! I can't WAIT to see what he does next, especially after that awesome Avengers movie last year with all those amazingly interesting characters like Thor and Loki and Captain America and the Hulk and Nick Fury" you are right again! Glad I could help!
Now go out there and sign up for Fios! Your kids will thank you, if they ever get around to it. Until then- leave them alone with their personal computers and internet access. It's the only way they'll grow.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Kramer's "Make your own pizza pie" idea was better
Less dangerous, too.
I mean, look at this- as near as I can tell, this guy's "brilliant idea" for a small business is to provide a garage fully stocked with all the tools a guy would need to work on his own car. Because as we all know, Guys have an innate ability to fix anything wrong with any car, and the only reason we bring them in to the Pros is because we lack the correct tools. I can tell you from personal experience that I was perfectly capable of replacing the Johnson Rod connecting the Coaxle Doohicky with the main occilating exhaust reflux unit on my Honda Civic. I just didn't have the proper wrench set. *
Ok, back to reality. I can see this "Kill Yourself Fixing Your Own Car" small business idea being a really good one only if it is, in fact, a front for an Emergency Care business specializing in finger and eye replacement surgery. Or maybe for an actual mechanic, ready to magically show up and--for a large fee-- fix all of the damage you did attempting something more complicated than replacing a headlight bulb. I can see this being really popular with Guys Trying Really Hard To Prove Something who also have money to burn and really, really good health insurance. Us sane people? We'll keep searching for the one mechanic in America who won't gouge us, and hope that no one asks us "hey, why don't you use that new Fix It Yourself franchise?"
"I mean, they've got these really cool business cards, and everything!"
*I have changed my own oil and tires, and once I even replaced the brake pads on a Toyota with the help of my ex Father in Law, may he Rest in Peace ( I did wonder at the time if his insistence that we work together to replace the pads had something to do with me not being anywhere near good enough for his daughter, but they ended up working ok.) Today my willingness to work on my own car does not extend beyond changing the wiper blades. And no, it's not really because I don't have any tools. It's because I know as much about cars as a pig does about Sundays (old Texas saying, I don't know where I picked it up.) Thanks anyway, Fix It Yourself guy.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
The Borg has Nothing on Verizon
Ok, I watched this commercial three times. After the third attempt, I think I know what is going on here:
A family was taking a walk in the park, enjoying the great outdoors and each other, maybe carrying out some light conversation, taking a break from the schedules and plans and meetings and friends and all the other things that tend to crowd out family time and make relatives strangers and life itself fly by way too fast.
However, they were spotted by Evil Verizon Satellite 231-A, hovering 300 miles above them in a fixed orbit, constantly on the lookout for un- Assimilated Humanoid Lifeforms Suspiciously Unequipped with Verizon's Latest Technology. The Artificial Intelligence operating the satellite from an Undisclosed Location quickly determined that this family was having a dangerous amount of fun engaging in Inappropriate Non-Verizon Approved activities. Somewhere an alarm went off, and a light began to blink Red.
The satellite sent a laser show featuring a 3-D commercial for all of the Amazing Connectable Products Available Through Verizon Thanks to Verizon's Latest Say Nothing, Share Everything, Stop Talking, Become a Zombie Plan. The best part is that all this "shareable data" can be accessed with Tablets, Smart Phones-- all that stuff the family must have forgotten about while engaged in such a ridiculous display of (giggle, condescend) face-to-face contact. Oh, and you can ADD a tablet for only $10 a month- just in case the ten "connectable, sharable" products aren't enough for your family (and seriously, what are the odds they would be?)
Anyway, this family is quickly absorbed into the Verizon Hive Mind, dazzled by the floating electronics and left wondering what they ever saw in all that face-to-face shit. As they spend the rest of the day texting, taking "sharable" photos and downloading every movie they've ever seen or heard of, and checking Facebook several hundred times, I wonder if they'll even remember that hour they wasted at that stupid park with those stupid people- seriously, what the hell was THAT all about?
I'm pretty sure that's the message of this commercial. But again, I only watched it three times. Anyone have a different take?
Monday, March 25, 2013
Pets, Pet Owners, and Luxury Dog Food. It's Just another day in My Blue World*
So much to hate here!
1. Idiot extras in the background of a park setting, playing catch while standing MAYBE five feet apart. Yeah, that's realistic.
2. Dumbest Name for a Product Ever. "Blue Buffalo?" What the hell does that even mean? The food isn't blue. It isn't made from buffalo (is it?) I mean, WTF?
3. Most disgustingly cloying, stupid, self-satisfied pet-obsessed weirdos on the planet, blathering on and on about how their lives found meaning the moment they found the bestest ever food and the ONLY food good enough for their little pumpkin treasure honeys. No more standard dog food which is just fine for 99.99 percent of the lesser pets out there for MY pwecious wittle shmuggums mommy loves you so much yes she DOES!
4. The real food that goes into making this Buy This So Everyone Can See Your Dog Is Better Than Theirs And You Have More Money Than They Do crap- chicken. fruit. Corn? That's for lesser animals, like people! My doggie needs meat and fruit! Corn? CORN? What do you think he is, a human living in a third-world country? My dog has greater needs than THAT!
And most loathsome of all- the woman who tells us that her dog isn't a pet, he's "her other boy- a member of the family"- while her son is standing right there. Truly, the only thing in this universe more repulsive than someone who abuses animals is someone who puts their pets on the same level of importance as their kids. This woman's son must feel uber-special right now. He should consider himself lucky there was never a serious house fire when he was a small child and this dog was a puppy- after all, his Mom would have had to make an important decision on who to save, right?
*Electric Light Orchestra- Turn to Stone
Sunday, March 24, 2013
These Questions, like this date, sponsored by Bud Lite
Here We Go (sorry:)
1. Why are these people speaking in subdued tones, even though it's clear they are in a fairly busy restaurant-tavern? Seriously, this woman sounds like she's OD'ing on Valium. If she's this bored THIS early in the date, Mr. "and that's why I can never go back to Cleveland" should just bail right now.
2. Why is their chosen First Topic Of Conversation (that the date has just gotten started is pretty obvious) a discussion of their online profiles? I mean, after the "gee, usually people look good online and then it's like Dog City when you meet them in real life, but I can actually see tolerating your face for two straight hours," what else is there?
3. When the girl says "those are my friends over there- they came along just in case this became a train wreck," don't you really want one of two things to happen?--
A) The guy says "what exactly would a "train wreck" of a date look like? You mean, if I don't keep you constantly entertained with witticisms, or order the wrong food, or suggest that we go Dutch Treat, or what?"
B) The guy says "I see....hey, the brunette looks really cute. She's your friend? Could you introduce us?"
4. When the guy says "actually, those are MY friends over there, trying to hit on YOUR friends," don't you want one of two things to happen?--
A) The girl says "Ugh, really? You brought your friends along to spy on our date? So they have absolutely no lives, huh? And do they have girlfriends they are attempting to cheat on, or are they as socially isolated and pathetic as you are?"
B) The girl says "Ugh, really? You are so insecure you had to have your boyfriends come along on a date with you? What's the matter, your mom wasn't available?"
5. Can we all agree that these two belong together, and we really hope they die before they have a chance to breed, the moment they decide to start the date by bleating Bud Lite's lame, played, and NEVER POPULAR tag line? I mean, what does "Here We Go" even mean in this context other than "Here We Go, start the clock, strap in, and let's begin ninety minutes of uncomfortable muttering and pregnant pauses. After all, we've already run out of things to say, considering that we launched the evening with awkward small talk concerning our online profiles and weird friends."
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Expedia? Conservative, Liberal, Whatever. Just stop assaulting my eardrums with this crap
Donja (?) is a "pretty Conservative girl." We know this because she tells us so. Three seconds later, I guess we are supposed to be astonished that this girl we thought was Conservative (because she told us so) is taking a zip line through the jungle. What? we ask. We thought she was Conservative! Since when does "Conservative" and "Zip Line" mix? Stop the insanity!
Donja then distracts us from trying to figure out whatever the hell is it that this commercial is supposed to be trying to sell us by screaming endlessly as she goes down the zip line. In this, she is behaving like every other person I've ever seen in a commercial featuring a zip line. Making me wonder- if you are going to spend the entire time screaming, why don't you save a lot of money by just riding on a rollercoaster?
I want to try a zip line someday. It looks like fun. I can promise you this, though- I won't be wasting the experience yelling like a freaking idiot, no matter how long it lasts. Not because I'm a Liberal. Certainly not because I'm a Conservative. Because I'm not a freaking moron who likes to hear myself scream. I'm pretty sure I'll be busy taking in the view and just enjoying the ride. Too busy to scream, even I wanted to. But I won't want to.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Phillips brings us another episode of "Anything for a Paycheck"
Enjoy your stupid, disgusting little gig while you can, lady. Read your chirpy lines and keep a straight face as you repeatedly interrupt the lives of people everywhere with your "hey, got constipation?" rants. Collect your dismal paycheck as soon as filming is over, then go home to memorize the script for your next appearance.
But don't kid yourself into thinking that what is happening to you isn't the very definition of type-casting. If you ever dreamed of being a serious actress, that dream is now over, and was probably over when you agreed to be The Phillips Lady for the third or fourth time. For the rest of your life, you are going to be That Woman Who Used To Be Obsessed With Other People's Digestion Issues on TV. Maybe you'll get another gig here and there, but no matter how well you nail that Lifetime TV role, you are always and forever, The Phillips Lady.
And a few years from now, when you are sitting up against a dumpster in Hollywood with a "Will Act For Food" cardboard sign on your lap, you'll realize just how much those commercials cost you. I suggest you talk it out with the people sitting there next to you, with their own cardboard signs- Flo and that pretty girl from the T-Mobile ads, who got tossed aside the moment her looks began to fade and she could no longer fit into those skin-tight dresses and leather the Suits insisted she wear. They'll understand.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Never mind a V8- I'm sure this guy coulda found a much better person to spend his life with
It's not just that this woman keeps hitting her husband (the caption says "Husband and Wife," though I must say this looks a lot more like Abusive Controlling Girlfriend and Boyfriend With Severe Self-Esteem Issues than Husband and Wife,) on the head whenever he eats something other than vegetables. It's really more the very satisfied look on her face while she does it.
This woman isn't disgusted at her guy's dietary choices (he seems to be living his life according to the Atkin's playbook- I don't recommend it, but jeesh, it IS his life, isn't it?) She seems to look forward to being there when they are exhibited, so she can engage in her favorite hobby- whacking him on the head to cartoon sound effects.
And the guy doesn't seem to mind either- "I don't care how many times you do that, I don't like V8 juice." (Sidebar here: Is drinking V8 juice really what this woman wants the guy to do? She doesn't care if he gets absolutely no soluble fiber in his diet, as long as he consumes some vitamins now and then? Considering that she's eating all these greens, you'd think she'd recognize that V8 juice is just an adult version of Pediasure- something that spoiled idiots guzzle down because ewwww actual veggies are so yucky and gross and Not-Meat.) He also seems to be saying "I don't care how many times you do that, I'm not going to walk away or even suggest that if you do it one more time, thinking it's cute, funny or in any way appropriate, this marriage is over." He's perfectly willing to be disciplined by MommyWife if it means he can keep stuffing his colon with yummy dead animals swimming in their own grease. Personally, I don't think she's anywhere near cute enough to tolerate, but to each his own....
Oh, and I'd like to echo what a few YouTube posters have mentioned in the comments section (this rarely happens.) Can you imagine if these two people switched places, and the ad featured a man repeatedly hitting a woman because he doesn't approve of her eating habits? Me Neither. But guys being slapped around by women is still seen as somehow innocent, harmless fun in TV Land. Go figure.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
You first, Shaq
Tell you what- I'll "Man Up" and start using your moisturizer right after you "Man Up" and stop using a 25-year old body double in these stupid ads.
Who the hell do you think you're fooling here?
Monday, March 18, 2013
Technology that keeps you a child. That's pathetic.
I guess we are supposed to think that these two brothers never, ever stopped picking on each other, all through childhood, and the "got you" game, which ends for most us long before we even finish High School, for them continued into adulthood.
To the point where they are trying to "get" each other through a video game, which one of them is playing during a Very Important Meeting with Corporate. In other words, while he's supposed to be doing the work he's being paid to perform. (While the other brother, cleverly displaying contrast by sitting on a front stoop in another time zone with scruffy hair and a beard, seems totally oblivious to the fact that his sibling has a career which kind of expects him to put away the toys and the dumb rivalry during office hours.)
This is all supposed to be cute and funny and a reason to buy Verizon or whatever the hell is being pitched to us here. All I see is "buy this, because you are still an infant, and are being allowed to remain so thanks to our technology. Moron."
Sunday, March 17, 2013
These ads have me hopping for the remote, that's for sure
You know what the most disgusting thing about this repulsive little nub of an ad is?
No, it's not fat slobs who would apparently be just fine if their legs no longer functioned at all anymore. It's not the fact that they are yelling at each other all throughout the house, despite the fact that this is truly obnoxious behavior even for normal people, which they most definitely are NOT. And no, it's not even the scene with old moron watching television while reclining on the toilet (remember when George Costanza was forced to buy a book because he brought it into the restroom? This pig's tablet should be declared a toxic waste site. But who am I kidding- this whole damn HOUSE should be declared a toxic waste site.)
Here's the really grotesque, awful, unforgivably demented fact about this commercial: If they edited out the guy on the toilet, it would still be just about the most awful thing any of us have ever seen on television, and the best reason possible to refuse to buy this "service" on principle. It would just be a few seconds shorter. I mean, seriously. Why would anyone want to contribute to the wallets of the fungus who thought this was a good way to sell their product?
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Why do we keep seeing ads like this?
Because apparently, America simply cannot get enough of obnoxious kids relentlessly asking stupid questions of adults. Or of adults responding to these stupid kids with even dumber answers.
Personally, I'd rather see doofus dumbass dad just answer the fricking questions with actual answers- "why does the door close by itself, and why do the mirrors turn in like that?" "Because Daddy is a sucker for stupid gadgets, and the salesman said he'd show really well for the neighbors if his crap came with his car."
"Why is my butt hot?" "I just answered that question. Because Daddy got talked into paying extra for a ridiculous gimmick gadget he would have snarked at when he was younger. I mean, seat warmers? Please."
"And oh by the way, stop kicking the freaking button before you break it, idiot."
So simple. When I was married, my wife noted that it was a real crime that we never had children, because they would have been gorgeous. They also would have been very well-behaved, and much smarter and easier to bear than any of these hideous little monsters we see on tv. Because after all, besides being amazingly good-looking, we were also the kind of people who had this odd habit of responding to questions with answers that did not insult the questioner. Oh well- the world's loss. Unfortunately, there are plenty of dim-bulb, ugly morons who simply can't STOP producing jackasses like this kid.
Yep, a real crime.
Free advice for the other elephant in this Spiriva ad
Here's something else that can feel like having an elephant on your chest- carrying around an extra hundred pounds or so.
Maybe what this woman needs is a more rigorous line of work. Seems her current job involves walking sloooowwlly around an office carrying a clipboard, nodding and waving at her fellow minions, and daydreaming about her next trip to the Wendy's drive thru during sales meetings (gee, it would be awful if her tongue swelled during lunch, preventing her from getting that new fish sandwich down!) For a change of pace, she occasionally hauls her fat butt outside to sit in the sun with a magazine. That's about it.
I'm sure Spiriva is great for her OCD or OLD or FAT or whatever the hell this latest miracle pill is supposed to cure-- or rather, supposed to lessen the symptoms of-- or rather, replace the symptoms of with another set of symptoms. I just wonder why, if this drug opens this woman's airwaves for 24 whole hours, she doesn't use that period of free breathing to better effect. Like, to take a long walk at speeds above 1 MPH. Or visit a gym. Or revisit her Blame Shortness Of Breath On Some Disease Other Than Morbid Obesity plan. Because from this ad, I don't even get WHY this woman wants to breathe easier. I don't see anything going on in her life that requires a whole lot of oxygen.
Friday, March 15, 2013
God of War: Pretension
Yep, it takes a high level of....umm..."Maturity"...to really get into this type of video game.
Meanwhile, the people who make these commercials must be failed Hollywood directors. Poor Ed Wood, he was just born fifty years too early, I guess.
Silver Lining: The dateless geeks who enjoy wasting their lives on this junk aren't crowding up the beltway during rush hour or standing in line ahead of me at the checkout counter.
Cloud: They are probably putting a bigger strain on the Power Grid than the average three Non-"Gamers."
Another Silver Lining: Sooner or later, the springs on the couch have to give way under the strain of the expanding waistlines of the brain-dead twerps who are at Wal Mart five minutes after this game has been released. I wish I could be there when that happens- and ONLY when that happens.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
AMC should hold an online "Choose a New Name for this Network" contest. My suggestion: Your Place for Brain-dead Junk
I'm pretty sure that if KFC stopped serving chicken and instead switched to pizzas and burgers, they wouldn't keep the name "KFC."
I'm quite certain that if USAirways stopped charging bags almost as much as people to fly from one part of the country to another and started marketing Miracle Sunglasses instead, they wouldn't keep operating under the name "USAirways."
I think it's a pretty good guess that if Rent A Center stopped preying off of the population of people with lousy credit by leasing junk furniture and computers at high-end prices and instead opened a series of soup kitchens, they'd stop using "Rent A Center."
So can someone explain to me why a channel which puts most of it's budget into bottom-feeder television like Immortalized, Freak Show, Comic Book Men and The Walking Dead (not to mention endless showings of explicitly Not-Classic films like Predator 2, The Transporter and Shanghai Noon) when not treating it's audience to CSI: Miami marathons continues to call itself American Movie Classics? Talk about Exhibit A in the Case for Truth in Advertising Laws.
(Exhibit B: The "History" Channel, which features shows about as closely related to history as.....AMC's shows are related to classic films.)
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Amazon's "might as well buy two, you are going to break one very quickly" ad campaign
I've posted before on Amazon's annoying series of "People being really stupid with their Kindles" commercials, but this one deserves it's own blog entry.
I got my Kindle almost three years ago. I take it with me everywhere. Usually it's in a protective faux-leather case which will prevent the screen from getting scratched and will offer some protection if it's broken, but won't save it if it falls into a puddle (let alone a pool, or an ocean.) When I take it to the beach, it's in a special hard plastic shell case with rubber stoppers protecting the on/off button and power port.*
Ads like this actually make me cringe. Anyone dumb enough to just stroll around a beach, sit in a pool, etc. holding a Kindle is either too stupid to be trusted with electronics, or wealthy enough to simply not care if they drop it and it's instantly ruined. And yet, I can see people bringing their Kindles to the beach or the pool based on these ads, having an accident, and then getting a "sorry, that damage is not covered" lecture from the helpful person on the other end of the phone when Amazon is called. When the distraught customer complains that ads like this strongly imply that Kindles and Water mix just fine, perhaps the operator replies with something like "you were really supposed to be enjoying the hot blonde in the bikini,** not imagining that these are safe places to use the Kindle. I mean, they are thin, fragile ELECTRONIC DEVICES, stupid!"
I must say, I have very little sympathy for anyone who does get their Kindle scratched by sand or waterlogged (or sat on when you forget it's in your back pocket, moron) because they treated it like this way. Such people just can't have nice things.
*More often than not, when I take it to the beach, it stays back at the beach house. Because hard shell case or no, I really can't afford to be replacing my Kindle because a rogue wave (or can of soda) decided to take it out. But that's just me.
**She IS quite easy on the eyes (does she really think that guys keep "accidentally" hitting her with beach balls and bumping into her?) and at least she isn't doing what 99 percent of girls I see walking on the beach are always doing- squinting at her cell phone. I saw one of those idiots drop her phone in the surf once. Made my whole summer.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
This guy ever finds a fly in his soup, he'll be spraying us with ammo from the nearest clock tower
My plan to deal with the first 400 times I was subjected to this commercial while innocently trying to relax and enjoy G4's 21 Nights of Bond was to just plain ignore it. After all, it's just another really stupid ad for another really stupid, time-and-life-sucking video game* marketed to pathetic Not Quite Ready To Be Adult Males.** Nothing we haven't all seen before.
But the 401st time this junk popped up on my screen, I finally decided I had enough of watching this moron deal with his really severe anger issues by taking out what seems to be 'roid rage on what I'm sure he's convinced himself are his actual "enemies" on tv. I mean, just look at this deranged weirdo- he cuts himself shaving. He breaks a shoelace. Result? He really really really needs to spend the next several hours pretending to chop up aliens or terrorists or whatever in his basement. Otherwise, he may have to kill someone for real, because, hey- he cut himself shaving and broke a shoelace! Who WOULDN'T snap?
(BTW, am I the only person out there who half-expected this guy to do a Bill Bixby and turn into the Incredible Hulk? No, buddy, I probably wouldn't like you when you are angry. I don't even like you during the 2 seconds of this commercial you are semi-sane.)
Maybe this latest piece of electronic crud is being marketed as Do it Yourself therapy. I'd certainly rather see this jackass playing video games than beating on his girlfriend or going on a shooting spree because he cut himself shaving and broke a shoelace. But wouldn't it be even better if a sinkhole just took out this guy's house, ridding the planet of absolutely nobody who will be missed by anybody?
**"Rated M for Mature?" Where's the "maturity" here?
Saturday, March 9, 2013
25 years? I give Leo two more, tops, with this idiot for a mom
Um....so exactly how long is Leo's "time out" going to last, anyway? Until he's consumed all the drain cleaner under the sink? Until he's sliced himself to pieces with every sharp object in Mommy's $10,000 kitchen? Until he's mastered the gas stove and learned to heat up his own canned ravioli? Until he's been noticed by a passing neighbor and has been rescued by Child Protective Services?
Or just until Mom's lover's lunch break is over and he has to get back to the office? Seriously, who the hell wrote this ad? This woman makes Elly Patterson look like Attentive Mother of the Year, for Christ's sake. I think we all know who needed "time out" here. Quick hint: It wasn't Leo. Just one more question: Where exactly did Mom go out TO?
Friday, March 8, 2013
Space Babies? SPACE BABIES??
"Yes, well that's because Jake's parents aren't frightened, pathetically juvenile morons with severe arrested development issues who think that sex is a scary mystery better kept under wraps until you are engaged to some nice Baptist girl your parents picked out for you, son."
Seriously, this is so disturbing and demented, I don't think I have enough room here to deal with it adequately. This really is more of a job for The Editor at Pointless Planet. I mean, I can deal with McDonalds, Cell Phones, and MOST car commercials, but this....this Celebration of Stupid is so horrid and lame, it really needs to be dissected by someone willing to deal with it frame by frame. And that ain't me.
I'll just leave it with this observation: Chances are excellent that when The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round is over and Spawn of Nitwits has been dropped off at Sunday School, the parents of this poor kid will resolve to remove the evil secular influence of Jake and his Awful Going To Hell Any Moment Now Caregivers who have the gall to talk about Actual Non-Make Believe Biology within earshot of their precious Intentionally Ignorant About Dirty Things Like This Until Out of the House son. These two alleged adults clearly have sticks so firmly shoved up their nether regions, it's hard to imagine how they ever managed to figure out the sex act in the first place.
Or maybe Dad actually believes his pathetically brain-numbing Space Babies story, because it helps him deal with the fact that his wife one day had a child, despite the fact that he has never, ever seen her naked.
Is Progressive Insurance it's own Alternate Universe, or what?
To sum up:
The way to show the world that you are your own person who makes his own decisions and doesn't "always do what you're told to do" is to attach a device to your automobile which allows Progressive Insurance to monitor your driving habits.
Makes sense to someone, somewhere, I guess.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Yes, you can commit a murder-suicide right here in the showroom. Thanks for asking, Jan!
Quick Quiz: Which of the two people who make up this thirty-second little nub of an ad is more repulsive? Is it
A) Jan, the Way Too Happy In Her Dead-End, Mind-Numbingly Dull Job to really be allowed to live another minute Toyota spokeschoad? This woman is so pumped up with SOMETHING illegal that she not only doesn't mind that the idiot douchebag customer (more about her in a moment) won't even pay her the common courtesy of eye contact, but that hey, she's reached thirty and all she's got to show for that college degree is a job as a chirping little salesmonkey for Toyota, or
B) This techno-addled dweeb who is actually pathetic enough to believe that because she's managed to hound and cross-reference 4700 people into clicking "Accept" on Facebook, this somehow means that she has 4700 friends? My guess is that the only way this dribbling idiot managed to find her way to the showroom was with the turn-by-turn directions provided by her phone, and that she'll need to download some more directions to get her pathetic worthless ass from the Help Desk to whatever model of Toyota Jan, or her phone, picks out for her.
I have to go with "B," for the simple reason that it's pretty obvious Stupid Useless Phone Addict is going to keep her eyes glued to that screen when she's supposed to be doing other things- like watching the damn road while driving her new Toyota, for example. Jan is annoying as hell, but she isn't going to sideswipe me or run over someone like the chirpy idiot will the next time she feels the need to update her Facebook status while changing lanes on I-95.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Leave it to McDonalds.....
...to create a completely unsnarkable commercial.
Seriously, I don't even know what this is. I'm too stunned to even respond. I'm only posting it here because maybe someone out there can explain it to me.
Or maybe I secretly hate my audience, and wanted to inflict this.....this....SOMETHING....on it.
Come on, John. Try to come up with something else....
Ok, I've got it. I bet you anything that within thirty days, at least half a dozen witless morons with iPhones will post "hilarious" takes on this Whatever It Is. Because that's what YouTube is all about, and that's the country we've become.
Can I go now?
(BTW, this is my 1000 blog post! And I was sure, back in January 2009, that I'd run out of commercials to rag on after a few months at most! I will never again underestimate the ability of ad agencies to find the lowest common denominator, pry it up, and keep digging down.)
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Cici's 24-foot monument to garbage
Seeing a new Cici's ad is like welcoming back an old friend. It's been more than a year since I've picked on this particular feed bin, and it's good to see it's still alive and well in the land of Denny's, Golden Corral and the rest of the Eat Yourself To Death For Very Little Money slop troughs disguised as restaurants.
Notice how in all Cici's commercials it looks as though the place has just opened? Everything is in pristine condition, the pizzas are perfectly lined up, clearly nothing has been touched. The place is GLEAMING. As if this is what Serve Yourself Until You Burst places look like after the first trip to the pizza line by the fat sock puppets in sweatpants. Far more likely that the pizza slices are scattered everywhere, sauce has managed to make it to the sneeze guard, the "best" choices are long gone, and a tubby 12-year old is holding everyone up waiting for more cinnamon buns to be put out.
I wonder what has to be going through the heads of guys who would actually bring their families to places like this (other than "I want to ignore my mature metabolism and sense of taste and eat like I'm fourteen again.") Check out this idiot- he looks downright paralyzed by the gorgeous sight of 24 feet of nutrition-deficient carbs, fat and salt. Or maybe he's just never been the very first person to walk into Cici's after it opens, and had no idea that pizzas are supposed to be round and not covered with fingerprints, flipped upside down, or hanging halfway off the communal table. I've never been to one of these places, but I can just imagine what this slop looks like after thirty or forty disgusting two-legged rodents who know they don't have to clean up after themselves get their hands on it. It's not a pretty thought.
And I'm not even going to bother snarking on the quality one can expect of unlimited pizza, pasta and cinnamon rolls offered up at $5. For Cici's to turn a profit, that pizza must be made of the cheapest junk available outside of an Upton Sinclair novel. I know pasta is practically free ( I don't want to meet someone capable of consuming five dollars' worth at one sitting) and so are cinnamon buns- but cheese is kind of expensive, and so is meat. The corners this place must cut to be so successful- makes me shudder to think about it.
Monday, March 4, 2013
The race to the bottom is dead even. And speaking of dead...
And no one- NO ONE- will be happier than me when these horrible ad campaigns are OVER.
Maybe Geico and Verizon could sue each other into oblivion for stealing each other's-- ummm-- "brilliant commercial concepts?"
Barring that, maybe an asteroid could slam into whatever part of Los Angeles these monstrosities were concocted in, killing everyone involved (and their children, just to be safe?)
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Sorry- I still think Domino's menu is pretty scary
Let's see if I get this straight:
This woman is "afraid" to try anything from Domino's other than pizza. Actually, this part I get- she has an aversion to subjecting her body to nasty, mass-produced garbage from a chain pizza joint. I'm not sure I would call that "fear," though. Maybe "common sense."
Domino's pizza delivery doofus is oddly fixated on the idea of convincing this woman to try something from Domino's other than pizza. Is he sick of bringing pizza to this woman's apartment? Does he hope for some level of fulfillment from bringing a pan of lukewarm pasta, or a sandwich, instead? I don't get his motivation, but he's pretty determined, because...
Domino's pizza delivery doofus is willing to "do something that scares me" in exchange for this woman's willingness to get out of her "comfort zone" and take a bite out of a freaking sandwich. That "something" doesn't involve trying the Available For a Limited Time Fish Bites from MacDonalds or anything that isn't on that "restaurant's" Dollar Menu- that would be too logical a fit, I guess. Instead, he's required to go on some amusement park ride. I don't get this- are we really supposed to equate eating a sandwich with being strapped to a chair and hurled through space (though personally, I'd find the two-hour wait to experience this 20-second ride more scary than the ride itself?) Or is this little nub of dumb all about showing us a black kid screaming with terror with his eyes bugged out?
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Deus ex (slow) machina!
1. Nobody not in a MyCleanPC.com commercial would refer to their slow computer as being "dirty." Unless the person is surfing for porn. Then they might use the word "dirty," but it STILL would not be describing the slow performance of the computer.
2. Nobody not in a MyCleanPC.com commercial would refer to their computer as a "PC." I've never heard anyone call their computer anything but a Computer, a Desktop, or a Laptop. PC? Sorry, MyCleanPC.com, that "FinallyFast.com" and "DoubleMySpeed.com" were already taken- that doesn't mean that we are using the term "PC" to refer to our computers.
So this is basically the most contrived setup seen on the screen since Anakin asked Qui-Gon "I've been wondering, what are midi-chlorians?"*
*Though I must say, what I thought was ten minutes of pointless banter concerning the Epic Awesomeness of Pod-racing earlier in the film really delivered in cinematic payoff, didn't it? :>(
Hulu Presents: An Honest Commercial.
This is where we are as a society: Where Hulu, a company that markets being able to watch any television, anywhere, at any time, can come right out and tell us what they really think of their customers: That they are all brain-dead zombies who are letting life pass right in front of them while they burn their eyes and brains out staring at a little screen.
I can hardly disagree; this is a point I've been making on this blog regularly for more than four years now. Drooling jackasses who "need" to be forever blathering or texting with their phones, or watching television or listening to music (again, no headphones to be seen anywhere in this ad, you'll notice) are only distinguishable from Hollywood zombies in that the latter just want to eat brains- other than that, Hollywood Zombies tend to stay out of my way, and they never make me want to slap them around because they are laughing out loud at some steaming pile of crud they are watching on their Personal Connectivity Device. They don't carry out pointless, endless non-conversations in public places or hold up the line at the checkout counter because they refuse to put those non-conversations on pause in order to hand money to the cashier or bag their groceries. They don't ignore multiple "NO CELLPHONES" signs in gym locker rooms or ruin quiet moments in museums because hey, it's not like they could ever actually turn those f---ing things off. They don't drive distracted or ignore their kids because they consider the electronic yakking or other entertainment more important than the safety of others or precious moments with the spawn.
Which actually leaves me with very little to say about this ad, except that it proves we've finally reached the moment where a company is confident that it can tell it's customers "you are all dribbling tools who have a serious addiction to our product, and we have absolutely zero respect for you because we know that no matter what we do or say, you are going to shell out for our service like good little trained monkeys" and face absolutely no repercussions. They've kind of been beating around this bush for a few decades now, and in a way I'm relieved that the lame attempts of subtlety are over. I also hope this is a trend, and in the future we can expect to see:
1. Zales Diamonds: "Here's a ridiculously overpriced piece of ancient rock that you'll buy even though you really can't afford it and it would make a lot more sense to use the money to pay down your mortgage, because women love shiny things and will jump in the sack if you dangle this in front of them."
2. All Car Commercials: "Buy this car because it looks so showroom-shiny and it's got all those electronic bells and whistles techno-addled idiots like you have come to think are important! I mean, you people are so brain-dead we don't even have to mention gas mileage or reliability in our ads anymore!"
3. All Cell Phone Commercials: "We know you want this phone even though yours is only a few months old, because it's got a cool name and you are so obsessed with showing well for your friends (assuming you still have any) you'll go into debt to avoid that, you suckers are so easy to play it would be pathetic and sad it it weren't so damned fun and profitable!"
Friday, March 1, 2013
Title refers to IQ of people who are too intelligent to enjoy this crap
Ever notice how often the "From the Makers of" line is totally superfluous? Like this trailer doesn't have "The Hangover" stink all over it. What's more than a little sad is the fact that for plenty of people, reminding them that the makers of this dreck were also involved in the making of "The Hangover" is actually a reason to plop down $10 to see it.
Of course, this trailer also has the stink of a thousand Life Is All About Going to College/Turning 21/Losing One's Virginity/ etc. etc. etc. films. I don't know what goes through the heads of The Makers Of movies like this- there's no way that any of this resembles anyone's actual life experiences. I've always imagined that these films are all made by the same population of bitter adults who were once wan, flabby, pimply-faced wallflowers who spent their youth watching popular kids from afar and imagining that they were always doing really cool things with THEIR weekends (like partying at 48-hour keggers and making out with the cheerleaders while pulling hi-LARIOUS and Soon To Be Legendary pranks on the Dean.) Meaning that these films are essentially just therapy for middle-aged dopes who think that they were left out of all the fun and who want to convince us that they weren't- "see, we know what wildly fun things free spirits do at a certain age, 'cause we were there once too. Yes, we partied ALL THE TIME and we NEVER stayed in the basement on Saturday nights playing Nintendo wishing the phone would ring! Those were OTHER guys, not us!"
WTF-ever, people. I'm not going to talk anyone out of seeing "21 and Over," and I'm not even going to try. Because just like I'm pretty sure I've got the Makers of this crap pegged, I think I know the audience, too: Twentysomethings who spend 2 hours trying to project themselves into the characters while privately wondering why their lives are Never Like This At All, and Fortysomethings who hope someone will notice them giving their "yep, I SO remember doing shit like that" looks. They are both welcome to the experience.
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)