Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Cici's 24-foot monument to garbage



Seeing a new Cici's ad is like welcoming back an old friend.  It's been more than a year since I've picked on this particular feed bin, and it's good to see it's still alive and well in the land of Denny's, Golden Corral and the rest of the Eat Yourself To Death For Very Little Money slop troughs disguised as restaurants.

Notice how in all Cici's commercials it looks as though the place has just opened?  Everything is in pristine condition, the pizzas are perfectly lined up, clearly nothing has been touched.  The place is GLEAMING.  As if this is what Serve Yourself Until You Burst places look like after the first trip to the pizza line by the fat sock puppets in sweatpants.  Far more likely that the pizza slices are scattered everywhere, sauce has managed to make it to the sneeze guard, the "best" choices are long gone, and a tubby 12-year old is holding everyone up waiting for more cinnamon buns to be put out.

I wonder what has to be going through the heads of guys who would actually bring their families to places like this (other than "I want to ignore my mature metabolism and sense of taste and eat like I'm fourteen again.")  Check out this idiot- he looks downright paralyzed by the gorgeous sight of 24 feet of nutrition-deficient carbs, fat and salt.  Or maybe he's just never been the very first person to walk into Cici's after it opens, and had no idea that pizzas are supposed to be round and not covered with fingerprints, flipped upside down, or hanging halfway off the communal table.  I've never been to one of these places, but I can just imagine what this slop looks like after thirty or forty disgusting two-legged rodents who know they don't have to clean up after themselves get their hands on it.  It's not a pretty thought.

And I'm not even going to bother snarking on the quality one can expect of unlimited pizza, pasta and cinnamon rolls offered up at $5.  For Cici's to turn a profit, that pizza must be made of the cheapest junk available outside of an Upton Sinclair novel.  I know pasta is practically free ( I don't want to meet someone capable of consuming five dollars' worth at one sitting) and so are cinnamon buns- but cheese is kind of expensive, and so is meat.  The corners this place must cut to be so successful- makes me shudder to think about it.

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