Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Another Panera Better Food for Better People Commercial

We at Panera would like to remind you that you aren't one of the unwashed masses who must grub a meal at McDonald's or Burger King or one of those other Non-Panera fast food places where teachers and bus drivers and truckers and the rest of their ilk must settle for (giggle) microwaved eggs from the (snigger) Dollar Menu.

Please remember that you are sooooo much better than those "people."  You DESERVE freshly made eggs contributed by free range chickens  lovingly placed* on brioche rolls with Grade A cheese and topped with ham donated by pigs who have spent their entire lives in air-conditioned, silk-lined stalls.   These sandwiches will set you back $6 but the whole point is that you don't care about the price- you're all about quality and reminding yourself that you're better than those weird dirty people who buy their food at those Common chain places because they have to.  

You don't have to.  So don't. 

*by people who aren't wearing plastic gloves.  Ick. 

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Blue Apron Lives in the Land of Presumption

"Every night in America, people make something for dinner."  Well, Blue Apron puts the "every" in the right place, at least.  They don't say "everyone makes something for dinner."  That would be much worse, because it would ignore the fact that every night in America, millions of Americans make absolutely nothing for dinner.

Some of those people eat at McDonald's or pick up something they can quickly warm up at home (I don't think that qualifies as "making" dinner.)  The enormous prepackaged meals section at my local Giant grocery store is testimony to the fact that a whole lot of people don't "make" dinner, because they don't have time or money or skills.

Many more people don't make anything for dinner because their financial situation requires that they cut back a meal, and dinner is the most easily disposable of the three.  I just hope that it's the only meal they have to cut back on, and that this situation is only temporary, because the other two are really, really important, and "eating" should not be considered an optional activity in the richest nation on Earth (or anywhere else.)

But these ads aren't aimed at people who can't afford dinner or the time to make it.  Like most ads that don't include golden arches or nightmare-inducing royalty or freakishly thin redheads singing the praises of an all-fast food lifestyle, these are directed at Upper Middle Class White People with money burning a hole in their pocket and who think that crumbling marriages and/or distant children might be made more durable by reintroducing Family Dinner Time.  Or are just suckers for any "service" that gives them an opportunity to remind themselves that they've got extra money without actually buying that new Lexus or making yet ANOTHER trip to Whole Foods.

As far as Blue Apron is concerned, those are the People in the line "every night in America, people make something for dinner."  Not those other humans lacking in skills or resources or time.  Who cares about them? They don't even live in nice, TV-quality houses with massive kitchens featuring enormous islands and all the latest appliances.  And they sure aren't as Pretty as the people who might as well use Blue Apron Because They Can.

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Glasses USA keeps trying to convince us that glasses are awesome. Tough sell.

The first woman in this ad really likes her friend's glasses- they kind of remind her that she ought to be wearing her own, which by the way cost hundreds of dollars, but she can't find them, which I guess is a design flaw of some kind.

She doesn't know what to do because even though she paid hundreds of dollars for her glasses, she can't find them, what kind of ripoff is that???  Her friend's response is not to help find the missing glasses, but to whip out her laptop so she can show her where she can get replacement glasses for much less than several hundred dollars. 

(In fact, she can get glasses "starting at $48."  You can bet that the $48 pairs don't include the "cute" glasses her friend is wearing, but if she's going to be careless with her glasses anyway, she's better off going for the cheapies, right?)

"Do people know about this?"  No, they don't.  This is a super-secret bit of information only available to non-people, like your friend with the cute glasses and now, you.  Dogs and certain breeds of rabbit are also aware of Glasses.com.  But not people. 

So please spend the next several hours obsessing over the Try The Glasses On With the Virtual Mirror tool thingee before ordering your own pair of cute, nowhere-near-as-misplacable glasses, Stupid Non-Person.  And then be like everyone else in these ads- absolutely thrilled out of their freaking minds to be wearing uncomfortable pieces of plastic and glass which are virtually non-functional during snow and rain and despite "scratchproofing" currently in it's fifth decade continue to attract stratches if you look at them wrong.  Me, I'll stick with contact lenses.  They aren't cute, but they do help me avoid walking in front of cars.  That's good enough.

Friday, January 26, 2018

Paul, McDonald's, and coworkers who want Paul dead

I hope you guys don't actually have to go through nearly four minutes of another ad featuring some jackass wandering around his office showing us the highlights of something or another for some reason or another ("I've got a lot of books here, and I've learned a lot from them.....here's my closet....here's my kitchen but I don't really eat there that much Manhattan has a lot of great restaurants..." seriously) like I did- but even if you don't, there's no reason to watch what is a series of really stupid "My office is full of kleptomaniacs who keep steeling my lunch so that's why you keep seeing me every afternoon ordering from McDonald's I have a legit excuse seriously" ads.  Just read the helpful description some McDonalds Monkey posted along with the commercial.  It explains everything that happens in it.  Because that's what you do when you post super-complicated commercials like this, I guess.

So this stupid fat jackass responds to his lunch being stolen by going to the only place in town where an alternative lunch is available- McDonald's.  In this ad, he gets McDiabetes Meal #3 featuring fried chicken parts and a triple cheeseburger.  In another he gets two McChicken sandwiches and a Sprite.  I think there's another where he just asks the cashier to shoot him because he's sick of being referred to as the Gassy Pig in Cubicle 5. 

And then he goes back to the office to consume his 2000 empty calories, thanking whoever stole his lunch because he had an excuse to gorge himself (and fall into a carb coma an hour later, no doubt.)  I can't help but wonder if the guy who keeps stealing the yogurt and fruit salad Stupid Paul puts in the office fridge has a life insurance policy on Stupid Paul.  One that pays a double indemnity if Paul's heart explodes during working hours.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

More Sexist Garbage from McDonald's.

Look everybody, it's Episode 17,897 in televison advertising's longest-running show, "Stupid, Helpless Dad Doesn't Know What To Do With Children Because After All that's Wimmin's Work."  Hil-ARIOUS!!

See, Doofus Dad inexplicably finds himself actually taking care of a group of children, presumably including several who share his DNA, because Mommy inexplicably is away for the evening.  Why on Earth is Mommy away?  And on a Sleepover night?  Wait, did I just answer my own question?

Anyway, Dad sure as hell isn't going to maybe kill himself and everyone in that house by attempting to prepare a meal.  It's easy to imagine that somewhere between taking out the bowls and opening the box of Cheerios he'd set fire to the kitchen.  Stupid Dad!

Instead, Dad goes off to McDonald's to blow $20 or so on Happy Meals (totally worth it) and feels the need to let the cashier know he has no idea how he's going to survive the night attempting to be a parent, which is being "totally over his head" because after all, he's a guy and what do guys know about taking care of kids?

He carries the food back to the kids and gets Mommy on the phone to clarify- oh, he's expected to take care of these kids all night?  He didn't know that.  He and Mommy don't do a lot of talking.  Or, Mommy is sick of Daddy suddenly absenting himself every time there's a sleepover.  Chalk up another win for Mommy!

I'm sure everyone finds this hokey, insulting nonsense totally funny and charming.  Nothing like reinforcing retrograde ideas about gender roles, right McDonald's?  Meanwhile, I'm sure the other parents have no idea that Dad was left in charge of these doomed kids.  Frankly I wonder if they'll survive the trip back to the car.

Monday, January 22, 2018

The NFL Network smears lipstick all over a gigantic, boring pig called the Pro Bowl. Again.

It's almost depressing to see how desperately the NFL Network is trying to convince us that anyone actually wants to see the Pro Bowl and doesn't just end up watching by accident because they turned on their tv one Sunday night out of habit and/or because they forgot that there was two weeks between the title games and the Superbowl.

We all know that none of the Pros in the Pro Bowl are the best in the game- those guys are all resting up between practices for the Superbowl and aren't risking injury playing a stupid exhibition for people who simply must have their fix of football on Sunday, even if it IS really bad, pointless, boring football with absolutely zero on the line. Oh, but keep showing us all this posing and pomping and strutting being carried out by the NFL players whose teams got eliminated weeks ago and who probably wish they didn't have to risk their bodies and contracts playing in this stupid waste of three hours that, again, nobody really wants to watch.

Sorry, NFL Network, that you're stuck showing this garbage which would get blown out in the ratings by a replay of any Superbowl ever televised.  Hell, you could probably just do three hours of Superbowl Yakking and get more viewers than this pile of pointless dumb.  But just because you made the stupid decision to buy the rights to the only thing dumber than the NBA Allstar Game doesn't mean that you get to spend 20 minutes of every hour running commercials for it trying to convince us that watching paint dry ISN'T a better option for this Sunday.  So I'm hitting the mute button and walking away every time you hit us over the head with this dumpster fire of boring.  And next Sunday night?  I don't know what I'll be watching.  But I sure know what I WON'T be watching.  Wanna guess?

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Insurance Reminds Us Why We Are Here

"Hey dad, what's life insurance?"

"Oh, it's something dads buy."

"Not moms?"

"Some moms.  Not your mom.  Your mom used to have a job outside the home so Daddy didn't have to work fifty hours a week in a stuffy office to make enough money to pay all the bills, but then you came around and she took some time off, and even though she said she'd be going back to work as soon as you were old enough for a day care here it is five years later and she's still totally dependent on me and my income.  So even though Mommy bought everything in this house, it was with my money.  I'm just here to make sure the money keeps coming in, until I finally keel over from exhaustion someday."

"Oh...so what is life insurance?"

"Well, you see, son, you and mommy live off my back like deer tics.  If something were to happen to me, you wouldn't have any money because God Forbid Mommy kept her toe in the employment pool instead of letting her skills atrophy until she wasn't an attractive candidate for any job other than Mommy.  So the idea is, I work even LONGER hours so I can make MORE money and buy this policy that says that when I finally do lose the last of my will to live because my whole life is work work work so she doesn't have to, you and your Mommy can keep living as if I'm still around, except with a slightly lower food bill, until Mommy can find another guy to take care of her like she's a helpless princess for the rest of HIS life."

"Do we have insurance?"

"Yes, we do.  I just kind of said so, didn't I?'

"It's good we have insurance."

"Of course it is.  It won't ever mean a thing to me, because if you ever see any of that money it means I'm dead, but it will keep you and your Mommy in style, and that's the important thing."


"Mommy has raised you well, son."

Saturday, January 20, 2018

The right time of year for more Optima Tax Relief snark

Here we go again.....

Eric was "overwhelmed" because he made money and didn't pay taxes and accumulated assets with the extra money he had because he didn't pay taxes.  "Suddenly" he found himself owing the IRS* $15,000 in unpaid taxes and no matter how hard he "tried," he just couldn't figure out how to pay it back- you know, without selling the stuff he bought with the money he was supposed to pay in taxes, because that was totally out of the question, of course.

So poor Eric did the only thing he could do short of calling the IRS and arranging a payment plan to take care of his 100 percent legitimate debt which he chose to create- he called Optima Tax Relief and paid THEM to negotiate a settlement, because Eric is pretty damn stupid with money, disinterested in paying his fair share for the maintenence of the society he benefits from, and basically a selfish asshat.

"It was easy as 1....2....3...." good thing, because I don't think Eric would have been able to deal with this if Optima had made it any more difficult.  Besides being stupid and selfish, Eric doesn't strike me as particularly bright. 

*notice how the people in these ads always tell us that they "owe the IRS."  They never, EVER say that they "owe the people of the United States," which is much more accurate but far less likely to draw a sympathetic reaction from the audience.  I suspect the commercials wouldn't be quite as successful if the people in them said "Unlike most of you watching, I didn't pay my fair share in taxes for years.  Instead, I used that money to buy stuff- stuff that you didn't buy because you didn't have the money, because you thought you had to pay taxes."

Friday, January 19, 2018

23andme and weird confirmation bias

So this young woman decided that because she had a grandmother who had Parkinson's disease, she should get this genetic test done to see.....if she might get it to?  Ok, let's definitely get back to that at the end of this post.

She spends a lot of time these days thinking about what her life might be like in forty years when she's a senior citizen, which I bet makes her a real hit with her friends who wonder why she can't enjoy her youth and insists on living in the year 2058 and worrying in advance about things she really can't do anything about and which might not even be problems by the time she gets there (maybe Parkinson's is cured by then.  Maybe she gets run over by a bus next week because she was daydreaming about what her health might be like when she's seventy.  We really don't know, do we?)

Anyway, the tests come back and it turns out that she's low risk for Parkinson's, but may be high risk for Alzheimer's (at least I think that's what she's saying here.)  She's not sad about it, she's not happy about it, she's just kind of relieved.....to know what to obsess about for the next several decades, assuming she doesn't get run over by that bus.  I guess.

The way I figure it, this woman's quest to uncover the future before it happens results in nothing of any value.  Ok, so she's more likely to get Alzheimer's instead of Parkinson's.  So what is she going to do with that information?  Spend her family's money on New Age Homeopathic "medications?"  Bore her friends to death with contant blather about how she's "not sad" that she has a slightly better chance of contracting Alzheimer's and is going to "deal with this" in a brave manner Please Don't Pity Me Let Me Tell You Again About My Test Results Wait Where Are You Going?

This commercial seems to be a very good advertisement for saving your money and admitting that you really can't buy peace of mind unless that means purchasing life insurance or savings bonds.  You aren't going to get good news from a 23andme report- the best you can hope for is news that there's not a lot of history of cancer or other life-shortening diseases in your family.  It can't tell you YOU won't get cancer or another disease, any more than it can tell you you aren't going to get run over by that bus.  All it can do is take money out of your wallet and reward you with a little trivia about your family.  Maybe that's valuable to someone.  It's way too important to this stupid woman, who has decided that DNA is Destiny.  Armed with that philosophy, she's going to march through whatever time she has left with this stoic, self-important, self-absorbed look on her face, pretending to stare down a threat which may or may not be lurking around the corner.  What a waste of time.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

"Watson" contributes to technological unemployment, and we don't care

I guess the aviation mechanics in this ad are portrayed as being about as motivated to work as your average road crew so that we feel better about Watson pushing them out of their jobs?  Because right now it looks as though the only drawback to these guys all getting canned is that there won't be anyone around to drink coffee anymore.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Hey, Verizon? Move on now. Just move on. We're all done with this.

Maybe it was easy for the crowd to guess that the network this douchenozzle is talking about is Verizon because he has the most recognizable, most punchable face on television?  And maybe instead of taking this as evidence that everyone is familiar with Verizon's stellar record for service, Verizon might figure out that this bit has been done to death and we all want to see this guy given his walking papers already?

Maybe the next time Verizon attempts to set up in a park or waterfront or wherever so this guy can bleat ten seconds of what is apparently supposed to be improv gushing, the crowd can just boo and tell him to get lost because It's Over and We Hate Your Face and Your Schtick Has Gone to Seed?


Saturday, January 13, 2018

Dannon Yogurt Ads: the bane of daytime television....

I spend every January visiting the Vermont farmhouse I grew up in, usually parked in front of the tv grading a mountain of midterm exams while my mom watches Soap Operas and Lifetime Movies For White Women.  It's the one week a year that I get a lot of exposure to the world of Daytime Television, which means it's the one week a year I get a lot of exposure to the world of Daytime Television Commercials.  And I'm reminded that there's more on sale than cars, drugs, cell phones and beer.

For instance, they sell a lot of toilet paper during the day.  And "feminine protection" products.  And fabric softener and air fresheners.  And diapers. 

And yogurt.  Lots and lots of yogurt.  Which means lots and lots of women like this one, who finds herself utterly enthralled at the idea of eating "cheesecake" and "chocolate pudding" and "key lime pie" without worrying that her husband is going to dump her for the babysitter because she's starting to look her age, because now she can "indulge" in all those "bad foods" in yogurt form.  So while hubby is off doing whatever he does to provide for the family mansion and Lexus payments, TrophyStepfordWife wanders about the grocery store looking at the stuff she COULD be eating if she wasn't in constant fear of losing that girlish figure and going right to the stuff she CAN eat which kind of sort of maybe tastes a little like the stuff she WANTS to eat. 

After she frantically grabs an armful of Keep Me Thin Keep Husband Happy Keep Me In That Home I Sold Myself For yogurt, she'll stop by the pharmacy area to pick up her monthly supply of VitaLift, Revlon Anti-Aging Serum, etc. etc. before heading home for an hour on the Pelaton bike.  Then it's time to pick up the kids and get dinner ready.  Husband and kids like to eat.  This woman? She's what yogurt was invented for. 

Friday, January 12, 2018

This happened on my tv, courtesy of Lexus

I don't know what any of this bs is all about, and I really don't care, either.  On the most superficial level, it's a muscular young black guy dancing around in a box with a red Lexus.  With the help of CGI magic he does gravity-defying stunts in an apparent celebration of German engineering.  This goes on for about a minute, and then we cut to the standard "look how fast this car can go on wet streets" bit.

And then we have the YouTube paid-by-the-comment making-a-little-money-on-the-side soul-be-damned monkeys typing about how much they adore the ad and the car they'll never come close to owning and letting us know where we can download the awesome music, etc. etc. etc.  It's all very obvious and phony and stupid and sad, but hey, who am I to diss another man's hustle.  Times are tough, right?

Anyway, enjoy this Lexus ad, if you can.  If you find it difficult, keep in mind that at least it doesn't feature some rich jackass being given the car by his equally rich spouse in front of their also-rich children standing in the driveway of their massively opulent Suburban McMansion.  We won't  be seeing ads like that again for another ten months or so.  So at least there's that.

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Harness your Humans!

Winning the Competition for Customers is all about Managing your Resources for Optimum Output.  The Global Race for Dominance requires using every Assett to it's Greatest Potential and being at the Vanguard of Change.  The Company which Succeeds at Evolving to meet the Challenges of the Economics of Tomorrow will win the Great Contest through Effective Application of Innovation in Technology.

Oh, and this will involve Humans too.  We must not forget the human factor.  At least for a few more years, Humans are going to be integral.  And even afterwards, they are still going to be the main buyers of our product, whatever that is.

("A human resource professional is the voice of those people..." somebody actually approved that line.  You can't make this up.)

What exactly is the message here?  "Go out and develop some people.  People make great worker drones.  Plus there are so many of them, and more are being made every day.  Go out and get yours, you won't be sorry.  They work like crazy, and for no money down, and they are so amazingly replaceable too!"

So for now....use your humans!  Keep them working and smiling (but above all working.)  Help them form Team Networks which are never, ever off the clock (remind them that the sun is always shining somewhere on the planet- and that the company is, after all, global.)  Give them the electronics they need to communicate and work work work 24/7 to keep feeding the great machine which is the Only Thing That Matters.  Maybe show them some clips of people jumping off piers for some reason.  Use some inspiring music in the background, I don't know.

Bottom Line:  Humans are really important to Success.  They do the work, after all, and they spend the money.  For now.  We are working every day to limit the impact Humans have on market forces, we promise.  But until that golden age comes and we can eliminate the Human from the equation, here's some hypnotic, inspiring bilge about how much we really love the whole Human element, seriously.  Now, get back to work while we finish eliminating your jobs!

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Because you can't spell iPhone X without "I"

(Or "look everybody, two braying jackasses.  You can tell them apart by the fact one of them has a mouth that takes up half her face, and the other one has a horn!")

I used to be able to snark on cell phone ads for casually promoting self-absorption, but there doesn't seem to be any purpose to using that angle any longer, does there?  Nowadays every phone ad features people using their phones to act like little idiots determined to show the planet what levels of pointless, frivolous, time-wasting nonsense they can reach using their pretty new toys.

I can't even remember the last time I saw a cell phone commercial which featured two people TALKING.  Does this even happen anymore?  Instead we've got lonely, isolated cocoon people playing games, watching movies, and - this is the really big trend- lovingly taking pictures of THEMSELVES that they can edit JUST SO to create the perfect level of lighting before they store that photo and take another one.  Or maybe they actually send that photo out to people- "hey, remember me, we used to get together and hang out before I became a socially retarded hermit and fell in love with doing stupid things by myself with my phone."

Oh but please, good people, go out and spend a thousand bucks on this thing so you can take portrait-quality selfies and then pose them with singing emojis.  It will so enrich your life and the lives of people who used to be around you.  But could you do me a favor?  Stop bitching about the cost of college or stagnant salaries.  You've got money to throw away on this stupid crap?  I don't want to hear it.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Not a lot of "Growing Up" going on in this Samsung Ad

So for the last nine years this sullen doofus's entire life has been defined by his regular progression from Perfectly Good Phone to Even Better Phone.  In between he walks around with a permanent sneer stitched to his face which is softened once a year when he opens a box and gets his Slightly Different Update.  Then it's back to being the guy with the most punchable face in commercials- except that he's got some competition from the guy waiting on line at the Apple store, who looks like he's on the verge of starting a rumble with the Samsung devotee.  Do these guys take their phones too seriously, or what?

I guess the message here is that this guy once "fell for the hype" that went along with the introduction of every new Apple phone.  He used to be one of those losers standing in line to trade in perfectly good but Oh So Yesterday phones for the New Shiny Thing from Apple so they would show well for their friends and besides, what's money for anyway?  But now he's Matured because he updates his Samsung equipment at the same frentic pace?  So it's all about not standing in line?

And at the ad's conclusion our Hero gets yet another new phone, which he uses to write Looky What I Can Do With What I Just Got to any friends he may have left.  Congratulations, you morose little douchenozzle.  You're satisfied with your electronics and will remain that way possibly for several months.  What a great way to go through life.

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Oh, and we aren't putting together IBMs for a dollar an hour in Southeast Asia. There's that, too.

Here's what it says in the video description: "Commutes. Meetings. Microwave lunches. You deal with it all not just for a paycheck, but because you actually like what you do. "

And the actual dialogue of this disgustingly whiny First World Problems ad doesn't get any better:

"Another day of work. Another round of all this" ("all this" being a broken rolling suitcase and someone eavesdropping on your screen on the crowded bus- hey buddy, this isn't your living room. Doing something private? Do it somewhere private.)

"Why do you do it? Why do you put up with it?" Um, because Capitalism? Because for 99 percent of us "putting up" with work is the only way we can make the money needed to participate in the economy by buying food and clothing, paying rent or mortgage, and all those other things kind of necessary so we don't die? That's why pretty much all of us "put up with it" ("it" being the little annoyances that are always portrayed as crippling hassles in commercials aimed at us First Worlders.)

"It's not just a paycheck. You actually like what you do." Sure, I do. Some of us do. A lot of us don't. But that's completely beside the point, because whether we like what we do or not, we still have to do if we want to function and survive in our Capitalist society. So I'll congratulate myself for actually liking my job, and anyone else who also likes their job. But that's just a bonus. We may work AND like what we do, but we have work. Almost all of us. So spare me the attempt at Prager U-level Yay Work hypnotic suggestion, please.

The rest of us this proto-Fascist 71 seconds of crud is all about how IBM is doing stuff to make us more innovative and above all more productive in our work, which I guess is supposed to involve sitting around with a crowd of scruffy millenials looking at screens and then staring at clothes in storefront windows (creating new fashions wasn't possible before IBM did something? Huh?) And in the end, we are eternally grateful for the job we go to whether we love or not because It's Better than Starving and here's some inspiring Italian opera music that doesn't deserve to be used to pitch International Business Machines to convince me that despite living in an era and society which would seem like paradise to pretty much anyone living anywhere else at any other time in human history Life Is Kind of a Pain Except What an Awesome Job I Have. WTF-ever, IBM.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

The REAL outrage in this "interracial" Taco Bell $5 Cravings Box Ad

It's not that it features a white girl with a black boyfriend.  The sad little morons with their brains and other body parts buried firmly in the past have a hard time dealing with that, but seriously, it's 2018.  Who gives a damn that white people date black people?  As long as her grandfather doesn't want to implant his personality into that guy through complicated brain surgery, nobody should have an issue with this.

It's not even that this slim young woman is eating her boyfriend's food.  I am going to be a bit sexist here, so go ahead and flame me if you want- when I was in my late-teens and early-twenties, I could easily wolf down this stuff, burp, and go for ice cream.  No problem.  I had a Buy One Get One Free coupon at Wendy's once when I was in college and sat down at a booth and ate two "Big Classics," two orders of french fries, and two sodas in one sitting.  Because I was a 19-year old male.  My wife had a very healthy appetite but she was also very athletic; I knew where those calories were going.  I just can't see this little thing packing away all that greasy food.

And it's not that her boyfriend just left a box of food sitting on the table while he went off to do...something.  Is that stuff even warm?  Did he microwave it after bringing it back from Taco Bell?  Why isn't it steaming?  So it's cold?  The only thing I want to eat less than Taco Bell is cold Taco Bell.

And it's not that two people who look like they are barely in their twenties seem to be living in an enormous, well-furnished house - what the hell is it with the people in TV land, they seem to think these places are handed out like voter registration cards at the DMV.  What, are these two kids investment brokers just out of High School?

No, I'm going to focus on something else entirely.  Some years back, Taco Bell was purchased by Kentucky Fried Chicken.  Or KFC was purchased by Taco Bell.  Or they formed some kind of partnership to share building space.  Whatever, I've posted before about the Magic Overflowing KFC bucket that appears in every Greasy Chicken for Whole Family ad.  Well, at the beginning of this commercial, we see the young woman opening the $5 Cravings Box like she expects to find a pearl necklace inside.  Then we see what's in the box from her point of view and DON'T EVEN TRY TO TELL ME THAT FOOD FIT IN THAT BOX WITH THE LID CLOSED.  Don't EVEN go there.

Hey, I just noticed that this ad features a white girl in a relationship with a black guy.  How progressive.  I bet some people have a real problem with that.  Because there are still a lot of losers out there.  If they weren't so blinded by their stupid retrograde attitudes, they might have noticed that TACO BELL IS LYING ABOUT THE SIZE OF IT'S FOOD.  Which is infinitely more important.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Your "own legacy"= finding reasons to abandon the family to be with your loved one. Right, INFINITI?

The couple in this ad live in an unbelievably opulent suburban mansion with their perfect little children and as near as I can tell are getting ready to host a dinner party for themselves and their equally perfect little friends.

Except, Hubby keeps "forgetting" to pick up stuff at the Ridiculously Overpriced But Who Cares Fresh and Imported Food Store - he forgets the sweet potatoes, then he forgets the shrimp, and it's oh so funny because in the hours leading up to the party he simply can't bear to be with TrophyWife and TrophyKids.  Or he simply can't bear to be away from the new car.  Either way, this isn't at all funny or relatable.

And the "punchline"- that it's finally TrophyWife's turn to abandon the house and family and go off for a drive - I'd say thank goodness gas prices are back down below $2.50 a gallon but who are we kidding, this family doesn't notice fuel prices and for sure doesn't give a damn about it's carbon footprint- and she does so with a very satisfied, "this makes living with that douche worth it" look on her face.  I'm sure the Wine, Brie, Shrimp, Sweet Potatoes and Organic Pasta place will be glad to see her and her credit card.