Wednesday, December 4, 2019
I see that since being handed a Super Bowl Ring by the refs in his final season in the NFL, Jerome Bettis has kept himself busy cheating in flag football (stiff arms are illegal.) How nice.
Meanwhile, I'd take a skinny 16-year old over a middle-aged Jerome Bettis in a flag football game. There's zero reason why it would be at all difficult to strip a flag from a lumbering old man (which makes me wonder why the defender is trying to tackle him, as if he doesn't know this is flag football and there's supposed to be tackling or something) unless this is just like the Super Bowl and Bettis can just do whatever he wants.
Oh, and check out the YouTube comments- even worse than usual. Either a lot of people are willing to brown nose Geico for nickles these days, or glue-sniffing has become the national pastime because these posts....oh god are they embarrassing.
Sunday, December 1, 2019
On December 25, 2018 a certain TrophyWife received a not-at-all-subtle reminder that
1. Her value in the home is 100 percent dependent on keeping that youthful figure, and
2. Her husband would rather her not be going out to those spinning classes anymore because he heard that there are other guys there, not to mention all those Woke Women....
She got this reminder by coming down the stairs of the ridiculous palatial suburban estate she sold her soul for and found that HubbyMaster had purchased a Peloton bike for....um, for her, of course.
With an extremely anxious look on her face which just screams "oh god I get it, I know what this means, I've got maybe a year to get my act together and achieve 0% body fat or I'm going to be out of the street," TrophyWife launches what will be a daily routine that will certainly be starting at 6 AM at the latest because no way is she going to be cutting back on her MommyWife duties just because she's been given a chance to salvage her situation. That kid still needs to be fed and deposited at school, HubbyMaster's breakfast and coffee must be ready when he comes downstairs, etc. This doesn't replace anything, lady. This is in ADDITION. And it's for your own good, IF you know what I mean.
After a year of brutal workouts in which an already beautiful, slim young woman transforms into a....beautiful, slim woman who is one year older, she gets to sit down on the couch with HubbyMaster to evaluate the results. The verdict is in: She's postponed dismissal for another year, anyway. And all it took was 365 exhausting sessions chained to that bike, being barked at by a total stranger on the screen whose audience consisted of hundreds if not thousands of other TrophyWives of the One Percent.
See you next year, lady....maybe. Oh, and here's your 2019 Christmas Present: An appointment for Botox treatments. Got to keep one step ahead of the babysitter at all times.
Saturday, November 30, 2019
When I was very young, James Bond villains (and lets be honest from the very start- the guy in this ad is an obvious parody of an old-fashioned James Bond villain) did really cool things like press buttons to coolly execute people just because they could. Then when I got older, the Bond villains kind of went off the rails and focused on killing millions of people with nuclear missiles or cyanide-dispersing satellites or some such silliness. Then they became a real mixed bag of characters with extremely limited goals or world-changing ambitions, but most of them were kind of stupid and it was hard to imagine them pushing those buttons and causing people to vaporize or fall into a pool of piranha or whatever.
For all the time I was growing up, James Bond films could be counted on to be released every other summer, pretty much like clockwork, too. Their quality wasn't dependable- the first one I saw in the theaters was The Spy Who Loved Me in the summer of 1977, and I thought that was great. Most of the Moore films that followed afterwards were pretty awful. Dalton's films were great, Brosnan's were below average (and Die Another Day was downright 1980s Moore-level crap.) None of the villains in any of these films were particularly memorable. But they were there, every other year.
The Bond film series has pretty much reached a dead end in the last decade, as Bond fans die out and the next generation just can't get invested in the character because the films are so few and far between. Bond 25, No Time To Die, will be released in April, 2020- almost five full years since the last installment. Think about it: Sean Connery starred in six Bond films in nine years (1962-1971.) Roger Moore starred in seven films in 12 years (1973-1985,) Dalton two in three years (1987-89,) and Brosnan four in seven years (1995-2002.) No Time To Die will be Daniel Craig's fifth Bond film since Casino Royale was released in 2006-- that's five Bond films in FOURTEEN YEARS. Way to kill interest in a franchise, people!
Ok, back to connecting all of this to an Amazon Fire Commercial: The "villain" in this ad isn't plotting to start World War III, rob Fort Knox, or nuke or poison the planet. Hell, he isn't even trying to make a hundred million dollars in a drug deal or get exclusive broadcasting rights to China (yes, both of those are actual James Bond villain motivations.) He just wants to watch TV. That's what Evil Villains do in the year 2019. They watch TV. You know, like all of use who AREN'T evil villains. So why are they interesting? They aren't. They are worthy of nothing but ridicule. They aren't fun, they aren't entertaining, and most important, they really don't remind anyone under the age of fifty or so of a certain film franchise that is in the process of being murdered by its' inheritors. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if most people watching this ad thought of Austin Powers before James Bond. Sad.
Friday, November 29, 2019
So when I saw this movie as a kid,* I just assumed that somewhere out there is an original cut which features a scene immediately following the last one in which Elliot, his family and friends, and all of the scientists who witness E.T. fly off into space are immediately executed by the government and buried in a landfill surrounded by "Dangerous Toxic Chemicals, Do Not Enter" signs. His house is condemned as a biological hazard as the word is spread that Elliot and his family were the carriers of some exotic, highly infectious disease which caused their quick death and evaporation of their bodies along necessitating the leveling of their home and the total destruction of every trace of their existence.
According to this commercial, I was completely wrong in my premise. Turns out that Elliot and Friends were simply forced to sign a myriad of documents agreeing to stay silent about what happened over the course of three days in the autumn of 1982 with a very subtle warning that it's not at all hard to be Disappeared if they ever step out of line. Elliot grew up to be an adult and got married and had kids, which is about as much proof as anyone would ever need that he never mentioned the little Alien who lived in his bedroom and who he once dressed up and took trick or treating on Halloween to anyone, and certainly not to any girls. He got over the trauma of being threatened with a brutal death at the hands of The Establishment so well that he managed to become a perfectly ordinary, perfectly boring Suburban Dad with 2.5 kids and an SUV.
Thanks for the clarification, Xfinity- though I suspect that I'm actually right about the Deleted Scene, and test audiences just thought it was kind of a downer way to end a family film, and Spielberg got cold feet and agreed to the last-minute edit.
*Ok, I was 18. That's still a kid. Shut Up.
Thursday, November 28, 2019
I'd like to suggest that this fat little creep needs a good kick in the pants followed by a lesson in decency a lot more than he needs an overpriced LookAtMeMobile, but Santa would have to hang around to provide that lesson in decency as the kid's parents certainly are not up to the task.
"It would be a real shame if this went viral." Um, would it? Only if you think the planet is filled with shallow, mentally challenged morons who think that every fat, bearded guy in a red suit is Santa Claus. That's the only way anyone gives a flying damn about a shot of a guy with a wide ass dressed up like Santa Claus "goes viral." Which means "Santa's" response makes zero sense. He ought to tell that kid "go ahead and put it on the web, nobody gives a damn because nobody over the age of eight believes in Santa, you f--ng idiot."
Better yet, he ought to say "I'm your father, stupid. I'm just having fun. But thanks for demonstrating that you have no business being in possession of a phone with YouTube access. I'm taking it back. You can have your own phone when you get a job and pay for it yourself.
Unless he actually IS Santa. In that case, he should stick with Option A and just tell the kid to f--k off and post the "compromising" photo. And then repack all those gifts and tell the kid the entire house is on his Naughty List, permanently. After all, the parents of this nasty fungus raised him to act like this, right? And not only that-- Santa can peer into the future and see exactly how they'd react to their cruddy spawn getting a car that costs more than the average yearly salary by blackmailing St. Nicholas. Massive fail on all levels. F--k this kid, F--k his parents, and F--k Mercedes-Benz for soiling my television with this abomination.
"I have to go, honey. I have to go Defend Our FreedomsTM."
"Defend our freedoms from who? Who wants to take our freedoms away?"
"Um...bad people. But don't worry, they live on the other side of the planet."
"So how are they threatening our freedoms? Why do you have to go fight them?"
"We need to Fight Them There So We Don't Have To Fight Them HereTM."
"But why do you have to go? How are you going to fight them? Why can't you just be home for Thanksgiving?"
"Because Freedom Isn't FreeTM."
"But how are the bad people trying to take our freedoms? And why do you keep talking in trademarked Cliche'-speak?"
"Got to go. Wear this hat and think of me- you dad who can't be home because I'm well, you know, Freedoms and all that. These Colors Don't RunTM."
"Why do I get the feeling this has something to do with an energy company, and that the freedom Daddy is fighting for has to do with profits? Oh well, this is a nice hat, and so far he's always come back alive, and pictures of me in this hat make the easily-manipulated YouTube Sheep swoon, so...."
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
American Express lets us know that we can't buy happiness, but we CAN borrow it at 0% APR for 15 months
So this weirdly ugly young woman gets a piece of green plastic in the mail which encourages her to go out and recklessly spend money that she doesn't have on stuff that she's decided she wants but doesn't at all need.
And this commercial drops like a lead balloon on to a country whose people are drowning in record student loan and credit card debt....great, just great. What's the key to happiness? Spending more money than you have. How can you do that? With this little plastic rectangle. Where will it lead to? Stupid Debt. Maybe the idea is to get you used to Stupid Debt so that when you get into Real, Unavoidable Debt- like before you reach that Health Plan Deductible or are trying to balance rent and student loan payments- you'll be used to carrying a balance month after month?
In any case, this woman is ugly at the beginning of an ugly commercial, and is no less ugly at the end of it. Just poorer. What a great message to toss on to the screens just before Black Friday. Thanks, American Express!