Sunday, September 22, 2019
This time we've got two weird dweebs who I assume live in a house belonging to one of their moms. I have to assume that because if this is their current apartment and they are worried about renter's insurance for a NEW apartment, I think I might just lose my will to live.
Anyway, one of the dweebs knows that Geico stands ready to ease their worry by "helping" with renter's insurance. The other- who has aquired a therapy pony (remember what I said about losing my will to live?) "didn't know that Geico helps with Renter's Insurance." What the Actual Hell is he talking about? Does he mean that he didn't know that Geico SELLS Renter's Insurance? Because selling policies is the extent to which Geico is willing to "help with Renter's Insurance." You know, like that grocery store up the street is willing to help me with my lack of food issues, and Seven-Eleven is there to help me deal with my severe caffeine addiction. So very helpful.
Every year, State Farm accepts and cashes a check from me to pay for renter's insurance. I'm so ungrateful for the help, not only do I never thank State Farm, but my agent sends ME a birthday card every year. I'm a disgustingly ungrateful human being.
I wonder- if one of these Napoleon Dynamite wannabees borrows money from Mommy to pay for Renter's Insurance, who does he thank for helping him? Mommy or Geico? Both "helped," right?
Meanwhile...therapy pony. I just want to die.
Saturday, September 21, 2019
What inspired this woman to drive like a dangerous maniac through her company's parking lot? A cup of crappy gas station coffee and a premade sandwich picked up for lunch.
In short, there's not a whole lot going on in this woman's life.
Sidenote: The next day this same woman drives a motorcycle to work and uses it to jump 22 cars before riding it right up the steps, using her coworker's desks as an obstacle course, and finally coming to a screeching halt in front of the boss's office, having found an extra hash brown at the bottom of her greasy McDonald's bag.
Friday, September 20, 2019
So all the people in this ad are such sad alcoholics that they regularly drank beer despite the fact that they couldn't taste it? What is it with beer ads these days that they are dropping all pretense at suggesting that their product is consumed because it tastes good and going straight for the "it's alcohol, you're life is crap and you need alcohol, so drink this crap constantly" message?
The ad starts with a public make-out session between two ugly people being interrupted by the sudden realization by one of them that she can taste her beer. This astonishes her- she isn't used to being able to taste her beer. She just drinks it because....she's thirsty? No. She just drinks it because if she doesn't the guy she's with isn't going to look good enough to kiss and besides, she's done spending evenings trying to pull those giant green spiders no one else can see off her face.
Oh, and check out the final few seconds of this commercial, where the scruffy loser wakes up his life partner- or the woman he found himself sleeping next to when he came out of his stupor- to let her know that he can actually taste his 2 AM buzz fix. Better yet, check out that woman- she looks like she's not sure where she is, or who HE is. Never mind "sad." This is getting downright depressing.
Thursday, September 19, 2019
(Before we get started, note that these boxes have lids which we never see closed, are overflowing to the point where the lids clearly cannot be used. In other words, we've got a case of Overflowing KFC Bucket Syndrome here. Well, Taco Bell and KFC are owned by the same company, so no trademark violation anyway....)
These boxes have 1130 calories, they contain the following RDAs for an adult:
92% of total fat.
55% of saturated fat
85% of sodium
So basically once you've eaten one of these things, you're done for the day. You've used up your RDAs for a pile of soggy chips and grease-infused beef nibbles from the hole in the wall down the street manned by high school students and an adult manager who wishes he were dead. Pass.
Sunday, September 15, 2019
First of all, if we're all Superstars, none of us are. I mean, do I really have to explain this?
Second- no, I'm not watching this. And I mean, not ever. If it isn't absolute brain-numbing crap, maybe I can be indicted for prejudging but I'll take that chance. For the next several months, Friday Night is for College Football unless I have a date. In other words, Friday Night is for College Football.
Not this....not this crap. Because this....this just looks awful. And not "The Connors" awful. No, this is "The Masked Singer" awful. There, I said it.
Nothing more entertaining than watching the fans of two irrelevant professional football teams trash-talk eachother, is there?
Seriously, the only thing these idiots should be arguing about is how many dozen people outside of Nashsville and Jacksonville intend to tune in on Thursday. I mean, it IS going up against Celebrity Family Feud with something named Tyler Blevins, after all. And that's just ABC!
This woman especially is being awfully mouthy in her support for a team which is currently 1-1 as it prepares to go up against a team which is 0-2. Meanwhile, the Jags fan seems pretty confident that his team is going to bounce back and win the conference....but that might be only because the Colts lost their star quarterback to retirement a few days before the season started? Either way, no reason to be crowing, buddy. And again, your team is 0-2.
You guys in Green Bay and Kansas City ever get sick of seeing your Quarterbacks spending more time pimping for State Farm than they do in playoff games? I mean, seriously- between these two guys I count 16 seasons of NFL football and exactly one Superbowl Ring.
Oh, but I guess that as Rodgers' career winds down and younger fans start to forget who the heck Peyton Manning is, State Farm must start to groom the next generation of Underachieving Star Quarterback spokespeople. So welcome to your new career, Mr Mahomes. Look on the bright side: the Brady Era can't last forever, and when it ends, that window of opportunity will open just a little wider.
Aaron Rodgers? Well, at least Max Kellerman still thinks you're better than Brady, even as he tells us Brady is the best of all time. Sound like a contradiction? Well, it's Max Kellerman. Enjoy his adulation, and your State Farm paycheck, and your one ring.