Friday, October 30, 2020

"Natural Vitality" is Latin for "Keep her drugged and stupid"

1.  I think this woman's immediate reaction should be to get that blouse off and under running water before the stain sets instead of drugging herself, but that's just me.

2.  I don't blame this guy for immediately offering his life partner a cup of holistic woo the moment he sees that she might be upset about something.  I wonder what he thought she'd so if he didn't instantly medicate her with a cup of dissolved powder.  But I guess he knows, and that that's all that mattered.  Gotta protect that kid, after all.

3.  This woman looks like she's a professional on her way to an important job when she gets her blouse defaced by her spawn.  Her spouse looks like he's on his way to absolutely nothing but has all the time in the world to stir himself up another cup of warm Nothing that he bought from the local store's Not Actually Drugs aisle.  This guy has Stay at Home Dad written all over him.  Not that there's anything wrong with being a stay at home dad.  It just kind of rubs me the wrong way to think that he's spending money his spouse brings into the house on holistic BS.  Get your act together, you idiot.  Because 

4.  This woman could do better than this ugly dweeb living in the house she obviously paid for.  Rinse that blouse in cold water RIGHT NOW, change, and go to work.  And after work, don't go straight home to this.  Go out and have drinks with friends instead.  Talk to them about what happened this morning.  And get ready to watch them glance at each other, roll their eyes, reach across the table, gently take your hand in theirs, and let you know that they've been waiting for you to wake up for years and now it's time to have a very serious conversation about your next steps. 

Thursday, October 29, 2020

Lily, AT&T, and Trump-level Contempt for all of us

"Hi, I'm Lily, a spokeschoad whose job depends on pitching AT&T products to the slobbering masses.  What can I do for you?"

"Hi Lily, I'm an idiot consumer talking to you on a Zoom call because I guess that's how things get done these days.  Because I'm an idiot, I'm going to ask you, a person whose paycheck depends on my opening my wallet and let your company suck out its contents, if I should be getting excited about a product you want me to be excited about.  Should I be excited about 5G?"

"Hi idiot customer.  Here's my answer- are you a loser?"

"No, I'm not a loser.  I just act like one on AT&T commercials."

"Ok, idiot customer- then the answer is yes.  You should be getting VERY excited about 5G, because we want you to be excited about it, and give us your money.  What's your next stupid question, idiot?"

"Sorry- I had to blink for a minute, and wipe the drool from my mouth.  Should I run to AT&T right now and buy this thing you're selling?"

"Wow, you really are stupid.  Why are we even still on this call?  Why aren't you already on your way to the store?  Don't forget your wallet, stupid."

"Wait...that was mean.  You shouldn't be rude....what were we talking about again?"

"Sourdough bread.  Because 16 seconds into this 42-second commercial, we're all done talking about this 'service' we're selling.  Get moving, Drooling Sheep."  

Sunday, October 25, 2020

What's with these Rodgers Rate ads??

Seems to me that if Aaron Rodgers has his own personal State Farm agent who shadows him throughout his life, never leaving his side, watching his every move and answering any questions he might have about his insurance coverage- and is not paying one dime than anyone else who also owns all this property protected by State Farm insurance and does NOT have his very own personal State Farm agent standing by 24/7, well then he IS getting a Rodgers Rate.

Can anyone explain these stupid ads to me?  Why does State Farm assign a rotating cast of insurance agents to hang out with Aaron Rodgers?  Why would Aaron Rodgers want this?  And how could this NOT cost more than an insurance company that is just there at the other end of the phone if you actually need to file a claim or ask a question?  The implication here is that Rodgers expects his insurance company to provide a brown-nosing, grinning little bodyguard/toady as well as coverage.  I mean, what the hell?

Saturday, October 24, 2020

Meet the Dimings, before they are dead

Sorry to be so dark, but seriously- if these people don't get a hold of their obvious weight issues, they are going to die.  They need to get off that couch and stay off it, and maybe spend more time in the fresh fruits and veggies section of their local Walmart and less in the frozen food and bags of salty fatty crap sections.  

I mean, you've got this nice house in the suburbs plus that son to look after.  That ought to be motivation enough to stop slouching in front of the tv and get back on those bikes.

Thursday, October 22, 2020

Hyundai's stupid commercial featuring a stupid dog and it's even more stupid owners

1.  Why didn't you train your dog not to do stupid crap like this?  I'm sure your neighbors are just thrilled with the eyesore it creates all over your lawn.  This is "adorable" to exactly two people- you idiots.  Your neighbors are wishing you'd consider moving.  Or training your dog.

2.  Why are you talking to that dog like it can understand what you're saying?  That dog has a brain the size of a rotten apple and with the wattage of key ring light.  It knows that you make a sound sometimes that somehow refers to it and sometimes results in food appearing.  It doesn't know what "keys" are or why you are sending sound waves at it. 

3.  Why is your "answer" to this problem to simply leave your dog on the lawn?  You guys are morons.  Thank you for not living near me :>)

Monday, October 19, 2020

Walmart's "Helpful" Keep Moving Tips

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

How to control your blood pressure:

1.  Get more exercise.  For example, you could mop that floor faster, so you can get back to stocking shelves.  You could step up your walking pace, perhaps by ambushing more customers and guiding them to the cheap junk on those freshly-stocked shelves.  

2.  Smile more.  Get that look off  your face that just screams "I want to die" as you ring up your customers.  When you greet customers, don't tell them with your expression that you had no idea how very small those Social Security payments actually would be and how you'd rather be anywhere else but at the front entrance of your local Walmart.

3.  Stop thinking about how much your blood pressure medication costs, because that's not your employer's problem.  You should be grateful he even Gave You A JobTM.  After all, Times are ToughTM.  And when you go to vote next month, remember that Raising the Minimum Wage Causes Unemployment to RiseTM.  

4.  No, scheduling you for regular, consistent hours would NOT help your blood pressure issues.  That's a myth.

5.  No, paying you a living wage would NOT help your blood pressure issues.  Again, myth. 

Sunday, October 18, 2020

And best of all: you don't have to worry about being seen in a Walmart!

 <iframe width="560" height="315" src="" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

(But you'd better answer that doorbell quick, because every second that goes by with those Obvious Blue Bags sitting at your front door is just screaming to your neighbors that you buy your groceries from Walmart.)

If you get this excited at a delivery from Walmart, Social Distancing has really taken a damaging toll on your psyche.  And all you have to get all this unlimited free delivery of products which represent the death of small businesses in the United States is sign up for a membership.  Might as well- you were at your laptop anyway. 

And hey, you're giving a delivery guy a job, at least temporarily anyway.  Don't forget the 50lb bags of dog food and cases of soda.  He doesn't mind.  He's lucky to have a job, after all.