The Commercial Curmudgeon

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

FarmersOnly.com is, apparently, a real thing

Original Commercial Here: https://youtu.be/GEiBb1iWnQU

"I'm looking for someone to step out of a Country Music Album Cover/CMT Video/Hallmark Channel Movie and join me in a life of hard work in a dying industry we have almost zero chance of actually sustaining beyond this decade. In other words, I'm looking for a person as trapped in a romanticized, pickup-truck drivin', pigs-sloppin', stump-pullin', bonfire-sittin'-around fantasy as I am.

So pull on your Daisy Dukes and leather boots, get out your iPhone, and let's connect by the bonfire 'cause that's what farmers who want to meet other farmers do when they aren't begging for government subsidies to keep the Family Farm in the Family despite the fact that we stopped even trying to compete with Agribusiness back when Grampa ran this place in the 70s...I guess.

And while we're sittin' by the bonfire strummin' our guitars, we can think about how maybe after I go back to school and get that degree in engineerin' and you get your teacher's degree, maybe we can hold on to that Family Farm and have dogs and maybe a few chickens to wander around and allow us to keep up the facade at least for a little while longer. I'm for sure keepin' my pickup and pullin' a stump now and then, 'cause Grampa would've wanted it that way."

Saturday, August 8, 2020

I'm going to keep beating up on CreditRepair.com!

Original commercial here: https://youtu.be/kePPXJhCKEw

1. "Check:" Yes, Creditrepair.com will look over your credit report. This is a service they provide once you've hired them. Heck, they might even do this part for free. After all, it certainly doesn't cost them anything and you have to give them valuable information to let them do it, so why not?

2. "Challenge." This is something else you can do, though for 99.99% of this company's targeted suckers--errr, customers- its' going to turn out to be a pretty pointless exercise.

"It says here you made 6 late payments on your utility bill. Is that true?" Um, yes.

"It says here you took out a Title Loan in 2013 and lost your car, is that true?" Um, yes.

"It says here that every stick of furniture in your house has a Rent-A-Center label on it, is that true?" What are you trying to say? Just come out with it!

3. "Change." Ah, here's the part that actually requires work, and the step that makes companies like Creditrepair.com seem so appealing. Steps 1 and 2 take a few moments. Step 3 in most cases takes many years and something the customers lack even more than money- PATIENCE.

You see, the thing is, if the damaging items on your credit report are legitimate, there's NOTHING you or ANYBODY ELSE can do to remove them. They are there to warm potential creditors that you are not a good risk (or, put more delicately, not the optimal customer for creditors to be dealing with.) If legitimate, those damaging items are information that creditors have a right to because it protects them from bad risks. It's really as simple as that.

Here's how you IMPROVE your credit score: pay all your bills on time, every time, for years. Only borrow when you MUST, and pay back that money as quickly as possible. Build credit, then use it sparingly. Complaining that your credit reputation is hurting your ability to borrow money is kind of pointless. Giving someone money to quickly "fix" something that can only be repaired by YOU over a LONG PERIOD OF TIME isn't pointless, it's STUPID and COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. You NEED that money you want to turn over to companies like this to....you know...REPAIR YOUR CREDIT.

Thursday, August 6, 2020

Creditrepair.com- all it takes is a phone call?

Original commercial here: https://youtu.be/j2BTAtXzycU

"I bought lots of stuff, figuring that I'd always be able to pay my bills, then my hours got cut back and I couldn't pay for the stuff I bought or pay back the money I borrowed on time, as promised."

"This only became a problem when I decided I wanted to buy a house, and found that my credit score is really low because I borrowed money to buy stuff and didn't pay it back on the schedule I was supposed to. It was so unfair- I broke contracts and suddenly I had this reputation as someone who breaks contracts, and couldn't find someone to give me another contract."

"So I called Creditrepair.com and had what I'll just call 'a good conversation' with the total stranger on the other end of the phone who wanted to sell me a service so was really nice. And then the bad items on my credit score began to disappear. That's all I'm going to say- I'm not going to mention how they got rid of Legitimate dings on my credit score, or how much I paid Creditrepair.com to get rid of them. Just that I had a 'good conversation,' implying that Creditrepair.com just felt sorry for me and fixed it for free or something."

"Anyway, thanks to Creditrepair.com, I'm closer now to getting someone else to lend me money at a decent interest rate, even though that car industry I worked for and blamed for all my problems hasn't come back or anything and I'm actually no more a good credit risk than I was back then."

Monday, August 3, 2020

Freshly solves another #firstworldproblem

Original Commercial Here: https://youtu.be/I6AEOxUc1ME

1. In the real world, regular shipments of "chef-prepared" meals doesn't mean "we don't have to cook anymore" unless you are already in the one percent and probably had someone cooking all your meals already. More like "we can fire Rosa, we don't have to pay her to cook for us anymore!"

2. This lobotomized twit takes so long to read a few words on the back of her box of 21st Century TV Dinners for Rich People I find it hard to believe she ever managed anything beyond boiling water in the first place.

3. Setting aside No. 1 for a moment, who is the "we" who doesn't have to cook anymore because they can afford to buy pre-packaged, pre-cooked "chef-prepared" meals? And why did two people who both loathe the idea of cooking get together in the first place? Oh, right- because they knew they could use their money to avoid that horrible chore they both equally dread....

4. Let's be honest. What Freshly really means is "guys, you don't have to include 'must be able to cook' in your Trophy Wife Ad anymore." Now you can cut to the chase- "must be young, hot, and fertile. No cooking skills necessary."

Of course, to the person who answers that ad it also means "keep working that Peloton bike, keep using that face cream, and keep up with the kids, because your skills in the kitchen have just been devalued. In other words, you are more replaceable than ever."

Saturday, August 1, 2020

Febreze Presents: the Vacant Contentment of the Suburban Housewife

Original Commercial here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=biI2fw8x_Mg

Everything that once made this woman an individual human being with hopes, dreams, ambitions, personality, etc. died so long ago that nobody can remember what she was like back then, no matter how many times they look at home videos or scroll through the High School Yearbook.

What is left behind is this vacant, standard-issue-pretty zombie taking in her surroundings in her standard-issue suburban home, which include her stand-issue-pretty children, furniture, and Pet. She's got a cell phone in her hand because she's an American, but she's not using it because she has nobody to call or otherwise be in contact with. Completely deprived of stimulation, she's settled into a near-comatose state that she'll come out of just in time to get dinner ready for the Lord of the Manor.

She doesn't notice odors for the same reason she doesn't notice much of anything else- because her senses have gone the way of everything else that once made her a Person, replaced by this soulless vessel for Making Children and Maintaining a House and being Mrs Somebody Else. Not that her standard-issue Equally Vacant children are much better, sitting on rug doing standard-issue children things that don't bother lobotomized mommy as she just sit there with her contented I'm a Successful American Woman Because I Got Rid of my Last Name and Everything Else that Made me Me When I Was Younger look on her face.

Oh, and why worry about going "noseblind?" Because occasionally, she'll be visited by other Stepford Wives who still have at least one functioning sense left in their empty heads, and she wouldn't want to be judged for anything beyond the size of the house and the SUV parked in the driveway.

Thursday, July 30, 2020

Care.com-- choose wisely....

https://youtu.be/x6FZK0tsJqs

...because this has got #choosepoorlyandyouvepickedyourhusbandsnexttrophywife written all over it.

If I were any of these wives, I certainly wouldn't be asking my husband for his help in choosing the next "babysitter" to come into the home. I've seen enough Lifetime Channel movies this summer to know that that would be a BAD idea, unless you're ready and able to veto anyone HE likes.

(BTW, very sorry about the lack of instant video and the appearance of the embed code instead; I hope it's just a temporary connectivity issue while I'm here in Vermont. I can't think of any other explanation, but I'll look into it if the problem continues when I'm back in Maryland, the land of Regular, 21st century internet. In the meantime, just cut and paste, you lazy twats!)

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

Kelly Clarkson, Wayfair, and the last gasps of the Easily Triggered

1. How does the sudden appearance of Kelly Clarkson cause a very hot dish to suddenly not be very hot anymore? I mean, one second this guy is frantically looking for a place to lay something he just took out of the oven, and the next he's just standing there wondering why Kelly Clarkson is standing in his kitchen bleating a pitch for Wayfair, everyone's favorite source of crap furniture not named IKEA.

2. What does Kelly Clarkson have to do with ordering crap furniture, anyway? Wikipedia tells me that this woman has a net worth of $45 million. She doesn't need to do this. But then again, Shaq doesn't have to pitch garbage car insurance and Alex Trebek doesn't need to pitch garbage health insurance and Tom Selleck doesn't have to push Reverse Mortgages. Money is money and there's never too much, I guess?

3. Does Wayfair also sell the space you need for crap furniture? Because this thing doesn't solve any "where do I put this" problems I have when taking something hot out of the oven. I have to leave my kitchen in order to change my mind. Oh right, I forgot- Wayfair is for people who live in typically large TV houses. Who also have zero taste in furniture. I'm only in the second category.

4. Two guesses why this ad irritates some people. Hint: It's not because Kelly Clarkson randomly shows up in the kitchen.