Saturday, March 25, 2017
Want to hear grown men rant about an End of Civilization as we Know It incident which took place in the world of sports pretty much every other day? Then watch or listen to ESPN, where Society is in a constant state of irreversable breakdown.
Last week, the purple faces and spittle were the result of LeBron James sitting out a Cavaliers game--on his coach's orders--and...wait for it...drinking coffee on the bench for the entire four quarters. No kidding. I've heard "debates" concerning this "issue" on pretty much every sportstalk radio program there is since the "incident"- and though the "story" is a week old, it's still a favorite among hosts and callers alike. And after listening to hour after hour of what I'm sure were very compelling arguments about why LeBron did the Worst Thing Ever, I'm still not sure why it was the Worst Thing Ever- but I'm pretty sure it wasn't because he wasn't playing. I think it had more to do with the fact that he was drinking coffee- several yakkers really got hung up on that point. So if he were drinking Gatorade, sitting out would have been ok. I guess. Not sure. Probably not, though, because the important thing is the Outrage.
This week, attention has shifted to a player on the Phoenix Suns scoring 70 points in a losing effort the other night against Boston. Seems that when the game was over the Suns players were celebrating the achievement of a teammate instead of doing what I guess they were supposed to do- committing ritual suicide because they lost. So the Entirely Sincere Outrage is now centered on the Phoenix Suns and how their insistence on being happy for a teammate clearly signals the end of civilization because Reasons.
Oh wait, not Reasons- because the Phoenix Suns Scandal opened the phone lines to the jackass old men who seem to live to call these shows and bitch about "the younger generation" and how they just "don't have the competitiveness" that they had, and this explains why America Has Lost Its Way and is going straight down the crapper or at least it was before we elected a guy who promised to make it Great Again. The favorite bugaboo of these callers is the Participation Trophy, which they consider to be the greatest crime against Humanity since Obamacare. For some reason, every sixty-something male caller to every sports talk show ever just loathes the Participation Trophy, to the point of referring to our "Participation Trophy Culture." Turns out that the Participation Trophy is responsible for the death of the American manufacturing base, the destruction of the two-parent family, and almost certainly gay marriage and abortion. When these guys were kids, teams that came in tenth place didnt get trophies and everyone was fine with that Because. Life was so much better when awards ceremonies ended with kids in tears, g-d d--n it!
(And let's not forget the greatest triumph of the purveyors of Manufactured Outrage, which came after the 2002 MLB All-Star Game ended in a tie. ESPN and all the other sports yakkers were in such a frothy rage after that Worse Than The Holocaust moment that they manipulated baseball into ruining the Um Wasn't This Supposed to be Just for Fun game and making it count for home field advantage in the World Series. Thanks, sports yakkers. You totally suck, all of you.)
*Know what all these bitter old men have in common? None of them got trophies when they played sports in school, and they never got over it. It's the only explanation for why they are so freaking bent out of shape whenever they see a ten year old playing Pee Wee T-ball get a little token of thanks for participating. Get some freaking counseling, you pathetic old losers. Or just shut the f--k up and die already.
Let's see if I get this straight. Stop me if I miss something:
This woman comes home to her glowing-white house and drops a bag of stuff on the kitchen table. For some totally inexplicable reason her Significant Other looks into the bag and sees the box of constipation medication.....and instead of just reading the freaking cover, feels compelled to take the box out and ask "what's this?"
"What's this?" Um, it's exactly what it says on the freaking cover, you illiterate moron. You sound like you want to say "aren't you feeling well?" or "how much did this cost?" Instead you come off like someone who literally can't read the freaking cover of your wife's over-the-counter medication. In short, you sound like a clueless, lazy schmuck.
But maybe you two belong together. After all, instead of slapping you upside the head and spitting "what the hell do you think it is, read the g-d d--ned box, clueless!" your wife launches into a Right Off The Cue Cards pitch for the medication. At times she sounds downright defensive, but for most of her scene she comes off as a woman who has been accused of doing something very wrong but who has rehearsed her alibi for quite some time.
Maybe it's the nice house- women have been known to put up with a hell of a lot in exchange for that nice house. Or maybe she's just dim as her husband. Either way.
BTW, the final ten seconds of this ad go a long way toward convincing me that it was originally shot in another language. The woman says "and it usually works overnight" and walks away as if she's just done a mic drop- was that really her parting pitch? And the final shot of the guy looking at the box again and saying....absolutely nothing....well, that just doesn't look right at all.
So, did I miss anything?
Friday, March 24, 2017
"Every stumble keeps me humble?" Um, really? Then why are you, and all the other women in this ad, talking as if you deserve some Great Humanitarian Award for going outside and taking an f--ing walk???
I walk between eight and ten miles every day. Without these sneakers or whatever you're trying to sell me, and without expecting someone to write poems to my awesomeness. After watching this ad, I'm starting to think that the woman in the Good2Go Insurance Commercial who proudly explains that she chose food for her kids over the luxury of car ownership might just deserve a medal after all. I mean, she didn't even mention walking among her many admirable qualities. I'm sure wondering where my Congressional Medal of Honor is. I had no idea that putting one foot in front of the other was such a rebellious, in-your-face act, but then again, I'm male and single- maybe American women have been told that they can't take walks because that's just Not Something Women Do? If that's the case, continue to Aim High, Sister!
And I apologize for mentioning that I walk a lot. Just my white male walking privilege showing, I guess.
What the hell is this commercial about, anyway?
Thursday, March 23, 2017
I'm not at all sure why this automotive oil commercial, which at least for the first twenty seconds plays out like every car commercial produced over the last twenty years or so, had to be "inspired" by the fifteenth episode of some stupid action movie series, but whatever.
No, I did not get past the first twenty seconds. Cripes, this thing runs for more than two minutes, and its been a long week, and I have to teach tomorrow, and life is way too short even if none of those things were true. I think we can get the message in fifteen seconds. It's a commercial for engine oil. It's got a tie-in with a stupid movie featuring really fast cars and guns and explosions. We get it. WTF-ever.
Monday, March 20, 2017
First- I can only assume that this commercial was made by white people who think that this is how to appeal to black people. Really, really stupid black people. Who don't have a steady income, a bank account, or any credit- but do have a car and ownership of that car's title. Like those people over at Good2Go Car Insurance.
Second- I'm guessing that a large percentage- like maybe 100- of white Trump supporters think that this ad accurately depicts black people and their attitude toward money in general. And don't find it insulting or demeaning in the least. Hey, don't all black people respond to junky yet catchy jingles and hot women waving money around accompanied by pictures of cars and more money?
Third- umm, WHOSE money is that? YOUR money? Your REAL money? How does it become YOUR money? Ah, by hocking the title to your beater- and maybe if you can get some newbie behind the counter to hand you $10,000 for the piece of junk you rolled into the lot, you might finally be able to walk away from a financial transaction as the winner. It's far more likely that you'll be handed maybe 1/10th the value of that automobile with a 300% interest rate due in two weeks or guess what, not only are you a sad moron with no credit, no bank account and no steady income, but you don't have a car either.
Fourth- oh, never mind. Your life sucks enough without me continuing to point that fact out to you. But in case you think that you are unique, check out this New York Times Article: https://dealbook.nytimes.com/2014/12/25/dipping-into-auto-equity-devastates-many-borrowers/?hpw&rref=business&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&module=well-region®ion=bottom-well&WT.nav=bottom-well&_r=0. Misery loves company, and you've got a lot of it.
Saturday, March 18, 2017
No kidding, this is an actual commercial and not a parody. And you don't have to watch it twice, because you've got to me to confirm what you thought your eyes saw but couldn't quite believe:
The black woman and her little baby and a guy who may or may not be that kid's father show up at this fly-by-night "Tax Solutions" place while the narrator tells us that sometimes, life gets "complicated." I think it's fair to assume that the little baby is the "complication" that has popped up. The tax prep person hands her- or the blurry guy next to her- a check for TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS (exactly) which, unless she is there to sell that baby, can in context only be taken as a tax refund.
The blurry guy then throws his hands into the air- he's really happy with the ten thousand dollar check, it seems, and who can blame him? I mean, ten thousand dollars- that's about five years of refunds for me, and I set extra money aside every paycheck to assure a refund. Ten thousand dollars? Really?
Never mind the context. This woman and her blurry significant other are selling that baby.
And all of this is being done to some steady beat while some smooth-talking jackass waves a fistful of money at the viewing public. My confidence in the legitimacy of this organization is just soaring. Maybe its the multiple locations, all conveniently located to liquor stores, lottery outlets and pawn shops. Maybe its that music. Or maybe its simply that ten thousand dollar check. Yep, it's settled. No Liberty Tax for me this year!
Friday, March 17, 2017
Yeah, Aaron's "helps" people get "the things they need" (like big screen tvs and game systems) at "guaranteed low prices" (guaranteed by whom?) If that's what you call charging legal-only-because-this-country-continues-to-worship-Capitalism interest rates with weekly payments to people whose credit rating is in the toilet. In other words, Aaron's, like Rent-A-Center, sells itself as a Friend of the Poor by taking advantage of the poor. Lovely.
I do think it's funny that the words "immature" and "disorganized" come up in this ad, since those words pretty much describe anyone who signs their name to an Aaron's contract. "Sucker" does too, but I guess it didn't make the final cut.