Tuesday, May 21, 2019
I mean, I can't be the only person out there who thinks that when mom says to her son "that's not really daddy," what she means is that the guy this kid THINKS of as "daddy" is not actually his biological father. But as long as the kid THINKS that guy is "daddy," well, that's fine with Mommy, she's going to celebrate with some Pringles.
The important thing is that the guy who is paying for that house and everything in it keeps believing that he's daddy in every way. Got to keep up appearances, because there's no Second Act for a TrophyWife.
Sunday, May 19, 2019
The woman in this commercial has a refrigerator which includes fruit (some of which has no business being ain a refrigerator, but never mind...) yet reaches for a bottle of water, sand and artificial flavoring while wearing a big smile which reads "I'm so happy I'm about to drink this sludge, yay me!" Seriously, WTF? Why not finish off that....lemon? Grapefruit? Um, you didn't even put that in a bag, woman- what do you think that's going to look like after a day in a dark refrigerator?
Oh wait, apparently the light never goes out in this fridge. That's annoying. Is the light really turning off in my fridge? Now I'm getting paranoid. This is going to keep me awake. I mean, I'm not concerned about the food in my fridge being bullied by a bottle of Ensure, becasue I don't have any Ensure in my fridge, or food for it to bully for that matter. But is that light turning off after I've fetched another can of Diet Coke?
Oh, and that fridge looks to be the size of a walk-in closet. Maybe that's why she's so happy- it's not a refrigerator, it's that extra room in her house which is kept unusually cold for the food products that live in it.
The Ensure bottle has taken it on itself to make sure that the woman who bought it stays healthy and proceeds to banish unacceptable foodstuffs to....the crisper, I guess. I mean, tha's what's at the bottom of my refrigerator, so I assume that this one is designed the same way, even though it is about eight times larger than mine. Come to think of it, I've never had anything in my crisper. I should make sure my fridge actually has one.
Wait, where was I? Oh yeah- the woman put a corndog and a cupcake and a jar of mayonaisse in her fridge, but they don't pass "mustard" (sorry, I couldn't resist) with Field Marshal Ensure so out they go? And which bottle of Ensure is in charge- there are several bottles there? Do the other bottles just sit there and wait to carry out orders?
Saturday, May 18, 2019
Every. Other. Commercial. on YouTube is some guy jacked up on speed standing in a mansion or (more likely) in front of his Maserati and Trophy Girlfriend waving his hands and telling me in a manic voice how he made five million dollars in six months selling stuff on YouTube and went from being a college dropout dishwasher living in mom's basement to owning everything worth owning on the planet.
In reality, there's no "Amazing Secret" to making money in a Multi-Level Marketing scheme. It's actually very simple. I'm going to share it with you because I'm Just That Kind of Guy- the kind that isn't satisfied being Super Rich and Successful but is so Big-Hearted that I want everyone to experience the kind of lifestyle I've come to experience, never mind that it would make no sense economically for everyone to be rich Shut Up Hater.
Here we go: First, work is for suckers. Don't do it. Remember the Three F's: Family, Friends, and Facebook. Mine them for people who A) are naturally inclined to want to help you out, B) are greedy/stupid/gullible, and C) are desperate enough to believe anything. You find enough people like this, and you are definitely on your way to that first Million.
These are the people who are going to do the work. Explain to them how the company you work for sells Amazing products nobody else sells- products that are so Life-Changing that once people are introduced to them they are hooked for life and will shove fistfuls of money in your face to get more. Sign them up and you'll get a percentage of all their sales while doing no real work yourself. Doesn't that sound awesome?
Second, be prepared to deflect the complaints of your Family, Friends and Facebook recruits when they can't sell even five percent of the overpriced crap they purchased after you assured them they'd sell like crazy Without Any Real Effort On Their Part. Tell them they just have to Believe in Themselves. Tell them to Have Faith. Tell them to recruit more people and then dump those essential oils, supplements and home-flipping DVDs on them. Tell them how disappointed you are that you went out of your way to Present This Opportunity and now they are Being Negative How Dare They This is So Sad.
Third, keep your soul in cold storage and don't ever let it out for exercise. I mean, what did it ever do for you? Did it get you that first five million?
Fourth, make an ad like this on YouTube. Be sure to include the House, Car and Girlfriend the MLM made possible. And don't forget to rant like a freaking lunatic because I guess that's convincing for some reason.
Enjoy your New, Prosperous Life! Glad I could help!
Friday, May 17, 2019
You can be proud to work from home for PC Matic, because at least it's not fake anti-virus protection from the boiler rooms of New Delhi. Nope, it's good old-fashioned home grown junk for your computer. USA! USA!
I wonder if we're supposed to believe it's legit because it's expensive- $49.99 per year, according to my research (see link below.) Based on the reviews, I'm not going for it- but I'm not a computer expert and I don't review anti-virus programs or anything else. I just snark on commercials. And this one is pretty vanilla: Trust PC Matic because it's Made in the USA. Work at home for PC Matic because your bosses are Americans. Etc, etc.
Strikes me as kind of a two-fer: Not only is this an ad for Probably Ineffective if not Damaging "antivirus protection," but it's also pitching another "make good money working from home" scheme which seems to account for at least 90% of Youtube ads these days. So both the customers AND the employees have an opportunity to get the royal shaft.
I just figured something out. The real reason why this doesn't pass the smell test is because "PC Matic" sounds a lot like "MyCleanPC" and "FinallyFast" and a lot of other fly-by-night Your PC Is Filled With Viruses Take Our Word For It Go Online and Download Team Viewer and Give Us Control Because We Popped Up on Your Screen "services." Maybe try another name, PC Matic. I suggest Patroit Clean PC or American Eagle Antivirus or Freedom PC. I also suggest you hire some rugged ex-sniper Navy Seal to sell your product instead of this creepy old guy. But what do I know about marketing.
Here's the reviews. Not all that surprised this page doesn't allow comments after seeing this:
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
Smarmy Disembodied Voice pretends Capitalism is a Revolution. I'm going to get a lot out of this series
There are two things I want to happen in this ad: I want the woman staring at her phone as she crosses Times Square to get run over by a car, and I want the woman with the "edgy," "don't f--k with me I'm making money with money" look on her face as she walks away from an exploding car to be taken out by a flying shard of glass.
And then I never want to see this stupid, manipulative tripe aimed at the people who are too smart to fall for "make $4000 a month working at home with Amazon" scams but too full of themselves to avoid ego-stroking "you're too smart to be part of the herd in the market" crud like this. But since there's a lot of these ads on YouTube, I expect I am going to see more of them, and they'll be getting more than a little play time here.
Sunday, May 12, 2019
1. Paid shills claim they lost control of their bodily functions when they saw this ad. They claim this on YouTube, thankfully using fake names so as not to shame their parents.
2. Unpaid losers post exactly the same thing; that is, when they aren't repeating lines from the commercial becasue that's the go-to when you can't think of anything to write yourself but still want to post in the comment section for a YouTube video.
3. Nobody anywhere asks even once what any of this has to do with insurance.
4. America gets a little dumber.
5. Donald Trump's chances for re-election become more and more obviously good. Why? See #4.
*based on the comments, I'm assuming that "the infinity gauntlet" is some macguffin that pollutes the Avengers movies, which are themselves apparently infinite. Don't know, don't care even less.
Saturday, May 11, 2019
"Kate" is a "hard worker" (check out the coveralls and the hard hat) who has insurance but still pays too much for medication for herself and her son. She's arrived at the pharmacy to pick up the medication prescribed for her kid, which costs $67 (of course.) Except that she already knows in advance that there's this thing called GoodRx and she's already downloaded it to her phone. This allows her to put this stupid triumphant look on her face after her kid runs off with his meds and convinces her to fold her arms and stand in the middle of the pharmacy as if she's just conquered the world.
Like "Linda" in a previous ad, there's clearly not a whole lot of Positive going on in Kate's life. She's on meds, and her son, who seems to enjoy just hanging around all by himself just outside the window (if you can figure out what he's doing out there, please feel free to drop a comment) just wants to get his medication and get on with his life but he's being delayed by mom and her Celebrate Every Victory weirdness. This is one kid who looks forward to Dad's weekend, I'll bet.