That Allstate "High Tide Commercial"

 

Hey look, it's a commercial featuring a stupid man making an ass of himself to the mortification of his smart female partner.  

Just checking...yep, that makes all of them.  

Pizza Hut's Absolutely Awful Pizza Delivery Commercial

 

Imagine being this delivery guy.  It's the NFL playoffs, which means it's a uniquely busy time at your place of work, which by the way will pay you your contracted rate if there's a lot to do and fire you as soon as business slacks off.  At any rate, you aren't watching the playoffs from the comfort of YOUR couch.  Not when there are pizzas to be delivered to douchenozzles like the guys in this ad.

So you get to your next delivery stop, and ring the bell while holding a stack of rapidly-cooling pizza and wings.  Nobody comes to the door.  You look inside, and you see two guys sitting in a huge living room watching a high-end HD TV, apparently engaged in some kind of conversation instead of just getting their delivery.  You ring the bell again.  The two choads on the couch keep talking; just because they pulled out an iPhone and opened an app and purchased thirty or forty bucks worth of pizza and wings doesn't mean that taking possession of that "food" is a priority.  

So you just stand there, wondering if you've been punked or are at the wrong address.  Presumably, they finally come to the door and may or not reward you with a tip and actual eye contact, but don't think for one moment that they are going to apologize for throwing you off schedule and making the next five stops on the route late and decorated by Karens who insist on discounts because their "food" is cold and will absolutely stiff you on that tip you kind of need to survive.  Before you head home to the Basement Efficiency you share with two of your co-workers. 

But it's all good because two jackasses in a suburban mansion too good to get off their damned couch to answer the door, let alone actually go out and get the food themselves, wanted to have a MENSA meeting over pizza or something.  This is just gross. 

Georgie and Mandy are CBS's way of letting us know that network television is dead

 

There are actually people (bots?) in the comment section excited about the premiere of this show, which is a spinoff of Young Sheldon,* which is itself a spinoff of The Big Bang Theory**.  It's like listening to people on Tuesday babble about how they can't wait to get home and reheat Monday's leftovers from Sunday's dinner.  While it's heating up, I bet if they look hard enough they can find some stale crackers in the bottom of that box on the shelf, too.  They can wash it down with that half-can of flat Diet Coke from the same Sunday dinner being reheated for a second time.

I used to think that the networks were intentionally creating shows like this to have an excuse to kill off the sitcom genre and run nothing but reality shows with whatever sporting events they can still afford to purchase away from Amazon, Netflix and Hulu.  Now I'm convinced that the streaming services are actually producing these shows to get rid of network television once and for all.  I mean, good riddance, but....I'm really hoping that the final extinction of network tv leads to a renaissance of reading rather than a wave of subscription purchases.  They say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one....

*A very popular show I've never watched even once.

**Another very popular show I've never watched even once. 

An Honest West Virginia Tourism Ad

 

Funny how I've been hearing about the high crime rate and corruption and poverty in "Democrat Controlled Cities" but I have never once heard anyone point out the absolute desolation, despair and hopelessness that has consumed a state that is absolutely dominated from top to bottom by the Republican Party. 

The entire state looks like this video.  West Virginia is well above the national average in Unemployment, Crime, Drug Addiction (especially Meth,)  and Poverty.  West Virginians are also heavy users of the Affordable Care Act (but hate Obamacare, of course, and repeatedly elect legislators who reject the Medicaid Family Planning Program.  Can't have fewer children living in poverty.  Wouldn't be American.)

West Virginia gave 70 percent of its vote to the GOP candidate for President in 2024 while electing two Republican Congressmen, a new Republican Senator, and a new Republican Governor to work with the overwhelmingly Republican Legislature.  Those people will continue to feed at the trough of government subsidies while flying American flags from their porches, Trump flags from their trucks, and proclaiming their independence from the Big Bad Government and it's Liberal Big Spenders who apparently still have all the power despite the Republicans controlling every branch.  Did I mention that West Virginia gutted its public school funding decades ago?  

The second largest industry in West Virginia (after coal, which is rapidly dying) is Tourism (which is rapidly dying.)  It's getting harder and harder to get people to see Ignorant Self-Sabotaging Hicksville USA as a great place to explore nature when the few mining companies that remain are busy carving down the last of the state's once-beautiful mountains.  The problem is that there are still plenty of stunning hikes to be had in the Appalachians of Pennsylvania and New York and North Carolina- you know, where there are still reasonable regulations preventing the total destruction of the wilderness for quick $$$.

West Virginia is doomed to go down with a whimper, not a bang.  Heck, it's there already.  Harper's Ferry is still worth a day with the kids.  But that's about it. 

Figuring out something about those awful Dr. Pepper "Fansville" ads

 

No, it's not that every single fan of the Fansville ads on YouTube is a bot.  That's obvious.  There cannot possibly be more than three or four people in the United States who ACTUALLY look forward to the "latest episode" of the lamest "series" in Commercial Land since that guy and that woman stopped flirting over instant coffee back in the 80s.  

It's that every single one of these ads is being produced by writers over the age of 70 who have not been outside of their offices or homes in thirty years.  I mean, come on- the people in this ad are reading about their favorite football team (or the National Championship Series, which has not been around for as long as the Fansville Series) in actual physical newspapers.  Most of the people watching these ad probably don't know why characters are playing with huge sheets of paper with ink on them and acting as if those sheets of paper are conveying information of some kind, like they are magic or something.  I expect to see a phone on the wall in the next ad, or maybe a television with rabbit ears.  

Or maybe these ads were all produced by young people in the 1980s and stuffed into a vault for when Dr. Pepper completely ran out of ideas- or behind glass which was labeled BREAK WHEN DESPERATE AND UNDER A RIDICULOUS DEADLINE AND LIVING IN A COUNTRY THAT WOULD ELECT DONALD TRUMP PRESIDENT, TWICE.  Either way works for me.  These ads?  They don't work for me at all. 

T-Mobile, the iPhone, Snoop Dog and Pat Mahomes set out to redefine the term "cringe"

 

All we need is for Stephen A. Smith and at least one of the Manning brothers to make an appearance, and I think we've got our Brick through the TV Set Bingo Cards all filled out.  

Seriously, it's like television WANTS us to hate these guys.  First, we've got Mahomes in every freaking State Farm commercial running roughly twice every break during every NFL or college football game.  Then we inexplicably have a freaking COLLEGE BOWL GAME named after a musician who hasn't had a hit in thirty years but has instead transitioned into the blandest corporate sellout since Eddie Murphy agreed to star in "Dr. Doolittle."  And then there's this ad, which is for a phone service, or maybe an iPhone, or maybe it's just a reminder that Snoop Dog exists outside the grotesque spectacle that was that bowl game or that Mahomes can appear on television without Jake from State Farm surgically attached to his hip.  

Well, if the goal was to kill off network TV once and for all and complete society's transition to streaming services, Mission Accomplished, I guess.  Because if the only way to get away from this brain-dead dreck is to sign up for every pay-tv option out there, well, I guess it's either that or give up on televised sports altogether.  Since I'm a miser, I think I know which way I'm going, but the rest of you are on your own.  

Taco Bell's "Negative Nelly" obvious rage bait is obvious rage bait

 

The next time I want to demonstrate the theory that companies will intentionally create ads just to tick people off and get them talking- even if the talk is 99 percent negative, even if the talk includes phrases like "worst ad ever" and "this makes me sick" and "I'll never use this product again," the theory is "if they are talking about us, it's a good thing, no such thing as bad publicity"- I'll show them this commercial. 

There is simply no way that "Negative Nelly" is not here to get people asking questions like "what was Taco Bell thinking" and "this is gross" and "not funny at all."  I'm sure we're going to get a few Fat Activists throwing in with a few legitimate-for-a-change points concerning the fact that Nelli is the only obese person in this ad and is acting like a disgusting cretin (it's not that she doesn't like the nuggets, it's the way she's expressing herself, being a crude, brassy cliche of a Fat Person on TV- in 1975.)  

Not noticed is the more sinister message- that if you don't like Taco Bell's chicken nuggets, you should just keep your fool mouth shut.  Or be ridiculed as a fat, gross, brassy pig in a Taco Bell commercial.  Don't be a "Negative Nelly"- if you don't like the nuggets, eat them anyway and pretend to like them, like a good little drone.  You know, like the thin, attractive people you are in a consumer testing group with for some reason. 

I suspect that his ad will get a lot of attention, almost all of which is negative, and the ad company that created it will receive a nice fat check from Taco Bell execs, who will then congratulate themselves on buying into the idea of being stupid and offensive for clicks and views.  I won't be boycotting Taco Bell since I wouldn't eat there if I was literally starving, but it would be nice if the company took even a little bit of a financial hit for subjecting us to this manipulative tripe.  I am not holding my breath though; Americans  are addicted to cheap, greasy non-food even more than they are addicted to smart phones, Buy Now Pay Later and Uber Eats.  We're doomed- and even that doesn't enrage me, really.