Sunday, September 19, 2021

This ridiculous Chevrolet "Flex" Commercial is a damning commentary on Suburban Life


So I guess that if you're a white guy in America who lives in a $3 million dollar suburban McMansion, the way you "flex" show off the tailgate on your ridiculous Totally Pointless for the Suburbs Prestige Purchase, otherwise known as your Chevy Truck.

And if you're a black guy in America, you humor your white male neighbor by letting him spend ten minutes gushing about his tailgate like a 12-year old who just got his first dirt bike.*

And if you are the neighbors of this white guy, you hate being reminded how incredibly shallow your suburban life is, but also enjoy mocking your neighbor for "flexing" about his freaking tailgate when he ought to be "flexing" about something that really matters- like the new riding mower you just got to trim the grass on your postage stamp-sized lawn, or your new $2500 grill you got because you heard the guys at the office mention that it was the model that came with 140 features, 139 of which you will never, ever actually use but WILL enjoy showing off when you can get the three people in the neighborhood who can bear your company to come over for a barbecue next summer.  

And getting back to that white guy- sooner or later, he'll realize what a total black hole his life has become (having been reduced to bragging - I'm done with the whole "flexing" thing- about how his new truck comes with this expandable tailgate which made it totally worth the extra five grand he paid for a truck he absolutely doesn't need) and just blow his brains out, hopefully with a classic rare Lugar that shows good for the neighbors. 

*oh, and you both wear oversized, untucked shirts to disguise the fact that neither of you has seen the inside of a gym in ten years and couldn't actually flex anything worth flexing if your life depended on it. 

Saturday, September 18, 2021

It will never be Miller (County Arkansas) Time!


So this is what people in Miller County, Arkansas are doing instead of getting a COVID vaccine:  claiming to be experiencing Bigfoot Sightings?

As of this posting, only 12% of the population of Miller County, Arkansas- which gave 72% of it's vote to Donald Trump in the last Presidential Election- has taken one of the three readily Available at Your Local Pharmacy You Dumbass Crackers, Fully FDA Approved Vaccines.  Only 26% of citizens over the age of 65 have taken the vaccine.  Only 15% of adults over the age of 18 have received even a single shot.  

On the other hand, I'm guessing that at least 75% of the good people of Miller County, Arkansas are well aware that Freedom isn't Free, always Support the Troops,  and Remember 9/11 (though if they remember 01/06/21, it's almost certainly as That Day Freedom-Loving Patriots tried to Stop the Steal by Exercising Their Right of Protest, unless it's That Day Antifa Dressed Up Like Freedom-Loving Patriots to Frame Freedom-Loving Patriots.)  

And based on this video, I'm also guessing that at least the same proportion of the brain-dead knuckle-dragging zombies of Miller County, Arkansas believe that Bigfoot roams the forests of Miller County, Arkansas, Saddam Hussein attacked the US on 9/11, Hillary Clinton eats babies and Donald Trump is the second coming of Jesus.  Oh, and that masks are the Mark of the Beast and that the vaccines that Our Savior Donald Trump gave us are tainted with homing devices which also cause Autism because Biden keeps pushing them.  

So keep on keepin' on, inbred clueless hicks of Miller County, Arkansas.  Congratulations for bravely making up the Vanguard of Stupid.  And good luck in your continued pursuit of Bigfoot and dogged avoidance of Sense. 

Thursday, September 16, 2021

NFL kickoff "we run as one" ad, the only way to experience it.


That is, with the volume completely Muted.

I'm serious.  I've never watched this with the sound on, and I'm sure I'm missing absolutely nothing.  Muted, all we get is a crowd of angry-for-no-reason, confident-in-their-ability-to-pose-and-look-confident-for-no-reason jagoffs shouting at the camera, shouting at each other, and then (as noted) simply standing at us with folded arms as if daring us to unmute the volume.

Don't know what I'm supposed to get out of this (other than a blog post,) nor do I care.  It's hysterical with the sound off.  I'm assuming that it's completely obnoxious with the sound on.  I'll avoid that for as long as I can, thanks anyway.   Heck, even the NFL doesn't want this video shared on sites other than YouTube, and I can't say as I blame them...

I understand Carrie Underwood is unveiling a brand new Sunday Night Football song tonight (writing this on Sunday afternoon, sorry.)  Another reason to have the remote at the ready. 

Sunday, September 12, 2021

When in doubt, return to Fansville


The only thing sadder than the idea that any of the characters in the continuing story of two college students who got married and spent the next twenty years living in a state of arrested development, refusing to let go of what they imagine to be their Glory Days, is the fact that so many YouTube commentators seem to actually enjoy this garbage.  So much so that more than one loser has actually knitted every "Fansville" commercial into one video "season" to "share" with the not-quite-as-big losers who after all might watch the "season" but didn't spend hours putting it together.  No, I have no intention of using that for this blog, because that would require watching it, and no, I am not going to be watching it. 

Anyway, if you've seen one of these commercials, you've seen them all (which, again, makes the whole idea of watching an entire "season" about as pointless as watching more than one episode of Gilligan's Island or The Love Boat.)  Sad, college-obsessed parents pressure their kid to go to Generic State University like they did and to drink Dr. Pepper like they did and they do.  This one non-joke carries the entire "show," season after season, and the mouth-breathers who love this just keep asking for more, I'm guessing because most of the fans have never been to college and imagine that college is mostly about football and parties (I doubt that even they think it's about drinking Dr. Pepper, though.  I'll give them that much.) 

Saturday, September 11, 2021

What Dr Pepper's "Fansville" commercials remind me of


Oh look, it's college football season again which means that Dr. Pepper- you know, that company that produces a kinda/sorta popular cola drink for people who would consume cough medicine if it were ice cold and wouldn't poison them in large doses- is ready to inflict upon the world another season of Fansville, that "show" that celebrates stupid, juvenile obsession with Good Old Generic State University where Mommy and Daddy presumably met and never really left. 

For some reason, Mommy and Daddy bonded not only over football games at GSU but also their love of Dr. Pepper, which probably made them outcasts with all the popular groups at college which were made up of young adults and not children.  Hoping that their offspring will carry on the tradition of being a bullied and mocked pariah strangled by the apron strings of Mommy and Daddy, they send him on his way with a 12-pack of Doctor Pepper.  Arriving at his dorm with that under his arm will absolutely guarantee at least a Freshman term with absolutely no friends.  I guess getting LOSER tattooed on his forehead wasn't in the family budget, so this will have to do. 

Oh right, I almost forgot to mention what these "Fansville" commercials remind me of:  A sitcom based on a single, lame premise that mysteriously keeps getting renewed, season after season, because it's fan base, while tiny, is also fanatically dedicated.  Lots of people seem to like these commercials- far more than actually drink Doctor Pepper.  So let's strap in and settle down for another season of lunatic parents who never really graduated from college painting their faces and trying hard to pass their sad inability to Let it Go on to their unfortunate kids.  Because people who like to pretend that they ever had glory days, and especially people who think that the glory days never ended, are Funny. 

Friday, September 10, 2021

Answering the "Life's Full of Hidden Problems" Snickers Brownie Commercial Conundrum


This sixteen seconds of absolutely nothing seems to be a real hit with the YouTube mouth-breathers who are either responding to a longer version of the ad which explains what the hell we are watching, or are just being their usual "I laugh at pretty much everything and like to go on YouTube and let people know it" selves. 

I'm going to assume that it's the former.  Something else used to happen in this ad, stretching it out to maybe 30 seconds, but it was cut and we are left with a commercial with a giant hole in it- a commercial that has absolutely nothing to do with anything, and certainly nothing to do with sticking a brownie in the middle of a Snickers bar.  So I'm going to take a few educated guesses as to what this woman used to say between "Nothing" and her partner walking off:

"I was just thinking, why can't Mars, Incorporated do more to promote the obesity epidemic?  You know, like maybe find a way to add more empty calories to an already well-established property like Snickers?"


"Why do you think something's wrong?  I'm just sitting here on the couch looking outside.  Are you guilty of something?"


"What are we, a single-race, heterosexual couple, doing in a tv commercial?  What is this, 2015?"

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

What you'd really hear if AT&T employees were honest


(No, I'm not even going to address the Foam Fingers thing- just another sign that AT&T ran out of ideas for these ubiquitous Lilly ads several years ago.  Nor am I going to address the "one customer in the entire store" or "one customer in the entire store, not wearing a mask" thing.  Because I don't care.)

Clueless Employee working on fifteen minutes of training:  "It come with 5G."

Customer:  "Um, what's that?"

Employee:  "Um....I don't know.  I'm just supposed to say that, because through a blitz of non-stop advertising over the course of two years, '5G' has become synonymous with 'good' among the phone-addicted addled zombies who find themselves wandering into AT&T stores every few months Just Because."

Customer:  "Ok.  Is it secure?"

Employee:  "Um...sure, why not."

Customer:  "Look, is it by any measure better than 4G?" 

Employee:  "Yes, because five is a higher number than four.  Look at this phone- it's exactly like the one you have now, except shinier.  Which means it's newer.  Which means it's better.  Sign here."

Customer:  "Ok."