Popeye's? Yeah no.

 

I could have gone my whole life without once seeing a woman have a freaking orgasm in her car over disgusting greasy fried chicken, thank you very much.  I mean, if you've set up your phone to let the world know that you are even eating this stuff from the driver's seat, you are going out of your way to advertise what a pathetic, desperate-for-attention loser you are in the first place.  Adding little moans of bliss while consuming oily bird parts adds nothing to my life and not only do I wish you'd stop, I really really wish you had never started.  Just gross.

On the Road Again!

 

For about five years in a row, Hersheypark was the go-to-on-the-way-back-from-DC-place for myself and my niece.  She would celebrate the end of another school year by visiting me in the Washington area and we would hit up all the museums, the zoo, take in a game at Camden Yards, and maybe catch a movie (the last one we saw was the Jurassic Park film that came out in 2018, I can't remember what it's called because they are all interchangeable now.)

Then she had kids, and the visits South came to an end.  Instead I visited Pompeii, Ireland and Sicily before heading to Vermont for a summer of landscaping, swimming and wandering the beaches of New England. 

Now we've decided that the children are old enough to start their own adventures in and around the Nation's Capital, so this morning we are all packing up and heading to Maryland for a week.  We'll do All the Things, including catching a game in Baltimore, before returning home via Hershey a week from today.  I'll enjoy Hershey Park especially, as long as it's ok that I just hold stuff while the others ride the rides; I'm not a rollercoaster person.  The "Welcome to the World of Chocolate" ride at the visitor's center is wild enough for me. :>)

Please wish us safe travels and enjoy the archives while I'm gone!

The guy in this Taco Bell Commercial votes. Explains a lot, doesn't it?

 

Having long ago fried his last brain cell, and wasted his youth, consuming ultra-processed fat and sugar  until his entire life is spent in a dull carbohydrate coma- a sort of waking nightmare, if you will- this guy is now going to wander around pondering the mystery of chicken in a taco.  Past generations split the atom and harnessed the power of the sun, and there are still people out there creating actual value for society.  This guy is going to stare at a pile of warm garbage in his hand and try to remember a time when he was able to solve complex problems and make plans beyond "use Uber Eats to order Taco Bell"- you know, before his cognition when all to hell, short-circuited by nutrient-free sludge delivered in a bag with a bell on it. 

I just wish he wouldn't vote.  Stop voting, idiot.  Or if you insist on voting, start voting for candidates who want to rein in the price of healthcare.  You'll benefit, believe me. 

Stuff this, Dominos!

 

So it turns out that it wasn't hard at all to find a few people willing to admit not really caring about the particular brand of warm, bland carbohydrates they last fell asleep eating in front of the television while contemplating the wreck that had become of their lives. 

Turns out that if they are told it was Dominos, well, then, sure, what the hell, it was Dominos, who cares?  And when they are told "PSYCH! It wasn't Dominos!  It was some other brand of life-shortening tasteless garbage with extra nutrient-free dairy product jammed into the middle of pasty white dough, but it wasn't Dominos!" the response is generally "oh really.  That's not at all interesting.  I really don't care.  Is this a national campaign?  How many times am I gonna be on TV?"

All of these people are putting in minimal energy to project surprise, and all of them are failing miserably.  Because come on, if they are regular consumers of delivery stuffed-crust pizza, their energy levels are in the tank right next to their will to live.  By the way, what happened to that weird fat creep who seemed to live exclusively on Pizza Hut products last football season?  Did he die?  He died, didn't he?

Lendseek's Unintentionally Scary Commercial

 

I mean, I think it's unintentional...but maybe the lack of sound is not an error in posting?  Maybe the silence is supposed to ramp up the drama?

As it is, seeing this guy act like he's on the verge of un-aliving himself because he has to make a decision concerning paint colors leaves me very, very concerned.  Like, never mind owning a business- I'm not sure that you're ready for Adulthood yet, buddy.  It's not a big deal. Go with green.  Green's nice.  And if it's not your decision- if the client changed her mind on the colors she wanted, well, sorry but this cannot be the biggest headache you'll ever face as a sainted Small Business Owner.  Again, you might not be ready for this whole Adulting thing.  You sure as HELL aren't ready to run a business. 

Conveniently located next to the Check Cashing place at the Pawn Broker's shop

 

When you have money, use cash.

When don't have money but you have credit, you use a credit card.

When you don't have money or a credit card but you do have a job, you go to American Acceptance.*

When you don't have money or a credit card or a job but you do have a car, you go to the Title Loan place. 

When you don't have money or a credit card or a job or a car, you start bringing your belongings to the Pawn Shop.

Eventually, when you have nothing but debts and no way to raise money, I guess you turn to crime or the bitter charity of your friends, neighbors and relatives. 

Wherever you are on this list, you do NOT walk around with a stupid smile on your face as if you are dealing with temporary, easily-manageable problems.**  Your life is crap.  

*Better hurry, though.  The lawsuits against this particular company are beginning to pile up.  The biggest issue seems to be hidden fees and outrageous interest rates, whodathunkit?

**Seriously, buddy, stop grinning.  You have NOTHING to be happy about. 

Buy Here, Pay Here, Stay Poor

 

So it turned out that all those "banks" that cater to the one percent were lying to me- my credit score, the result of never paying my bills on time, racking up huge debts on various pieces of plastic and eventually declaring bankruptcy, and basically being a complete deadbeat for years doesn't matter when it comes to buying a new car!  As long as I've got a job with a regular paycheck that can be garnished/seized when I inevitably fail to pay for the current big purchase I want and therefore need because I want, I can get a car just like the other grownups!

I just need to come up with an $800 down payment, which I can get with a quick call to Fast Cash or QCPawn.com or Cashpoint or any number of Instant Money No Catch Unless You Consider Ridiculous Interest Rates To Be a Catch services.  And I won't have to deal with negotiations and calls to banks and all that annoying stuff once I find the car that makes me look good in the neighborhood; in thirty minutes I can be driving off with a car because the biggest Buy Here Pay Here dealership in Nashville handles it's own financing.  I understand that every franchised dealership in the United States also has financing but that has nothing to do with me because my stupid credit score locks me out of those places. 

This place treats me like a real person.  A real poor, desperate, economically illiterate person.  A person who thinks they are doing me a favor when they take my $800 and have me sign a contract locking me into a $800 per month, 84 month payment plan at 39.9% interest which maybe sounds kind of bad but today I only need $800.  And a place to hide this car from the repo guy in a few months when Real Life hits me in the face again.