Friday, September 30, 2016

I'll give Apex this- they are still around, and still offering these classes. I bet their commercials are better now, though

"Every two seconds somebody bangs up a car.  Keeping them looking new again keeps 185,000 specialists on the job..."

Well, I'd think so.  After all, that's 30 cars being banged up every minute, or 1800 every hour, or 43,200 every day- or almost sixteen MILLION cars banged up every year....if they all needed servicing, that comes out to eighty-five cars per "specialist."  Except, wait- isn't it reasonable to assume that the vast majority of those "bang-ups" are going to be fender-benders, scratches, and dings written off by the owners because, well, deductables?  And even if every single one of those cars were brought in to a "specialist," that comes out to one job every four long does it take to fix a dent or fill a stratch?*

My favorite part of this classic ad comes at 35 seconds in when the host, after giving a quick rundown of the skills his training program teaches, breaks into a chuckle and practically blurts out "now seriously, don't you agree that a monkey could be trained to do any of this work in a long weekend?  How freaking helpless are you?"

Maybe in the 1970s applying bondo and smoothing out dents and spraying paint- all those things MAACO charges through the nose for- made for a good career?  Considering that my father in law was able to teach me how to do all that stuff for my own car and I managed to actually do it without blinding myself or losing an appendage, I kind of doubt it.  VCR Repair sounds more promising, even if it doesn't come with that awesome Probably Free When You Apply For a Sears Card tool kit...

*oh, who am I kidding?  "Labor: $200 Minimum" pretty much no matter what, right?

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Another Lexus "you'd give anything to be me, 'cause I get to drive this car" ad

The guy who drives this Lexus is the President of the company his dad started and is well aware that he doesn't pay his minions enough to ever be able to afford a decent car, let alone a Lexus, which makes him better than them, and that makes him happy as he cruises off in smug satisfaction, hopefully on his way to a horrific accident in which he is the only fatality.

And just think- the December to Remember ads are right around the corner.  Must be, because Christmas is right around the corner.  The local chain store tells me so.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Bet you Corona thinks this one's clever, too.....

1.  The poor alcoholic in the first frame can only afford to buy single cans, but doesn't notice that one has gone missing- and I guess won't notice until she gets home and realizes that she's going to have a very rough night without that third can of cheap beer to stave off the DTs....

2.  The magic rolling Corona can is SO magic that it does something that no can has ever done- it manages to roll several inches on a dry beach.  Sure, that happens.  Uh huh.  And if you leave a sandwich out unattended the seagulls will realize it's not their property and totally leave it alone, too.

3.  Is it too much to ask that beer companies just go back to showing us people actually drinking their product and having a good time doing it?  This is stupid.  The only way this ad comes even close to redeeming itself is if we at least get to see the guy who opens this can get half of it sprayed in his face.  Instead, we are supposed to believe that the Obviously Lukewarm Can of Cheap Beer was mistaken as one brought to the beach party.  If that happened, I have to believe that the partiers are already seriously buzzed from the consumption of alcohol of a much higher quality.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Here we go again with Aleve's Alternate Universe.....

1.  Hey buddy, your customers aren't "counting on you" to get your sorry ass out of bed to make coffee.  If you don't get that shop open, they are going to hit McDonald's, Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, Seven-Eleven or any of the other 2000 options out there for early morning coffee.  And you'll get to explain to the bank how you "couldn't get up" and therefore lost all your business and won't be making this month's loan payment.

2.  If you are happily rising from bed as the sun streams through your windows, you sure as hell aren't running a coffee shop.  Hey, guess what, moron?  Your customers are long gone.  Unlike you, they actually have to get to jobs that start before mid-morning.  Coffee shops that don't open until after sunrise aren't going to be in business very long.  You wanted to run a coffee shop but you didn't want to get up before dawn to get it going?  Well, I'm sorry, but that means you didn't really want to run a coffee shop.*  You just conned yourself into thinking you did.  And now....

3.  You are blaming your back pain for your absolutely horrible business sense.  You decided you wanted to be your own boss, so you figured "hey, people drink coffee, I can make coffee, so I'll do that."  Then you realized that people like to BUY coffee early in the morning, and oh noes that means that if you wanted to succeed, you'd have to get up early what were you thinking?  And now you're stuck with the option of hiring someone to open "your" shop for you (and splitting the profits) or just hoping that people won't want coffee until you are damn good and ready to open your shop (mid-morning, apparently.  When everyone is at work.)

4.  Just admit it- you thought it would be fun to run a business in which you served up very expensive coffee to really stupid people who would continue to be totally loyal to you (they "depend" on you, after all) even if you couldn't get the damn store open at a time convenient to THEM, not YOU.  Congratulations on finding a loan officer even more obtuse than you are.  Enjoy your backache, you entitled jackass.   I'm off to Starbucks.

*Maybe this guy can start a support group with that woman in the other commercial who thinks she has a job taking pictures of sunrises but gets up after dawn and takes them with a hand-held camera....Delusionals Annonymous, perhaps?

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Masterpass It: Because "Modern Life" Means "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it anymore

In the Bad Old Days, when spending $150 wasn't something you could do at the spur of the moment from your seat at Fenway Park (unless you flagged down a vendor and bought a couple of hot dogs and three or four beers,) this scene might end with an apology and a "well, I'm at a game and that's what dry cleaners are for" shrug.  Or at the very most, a trip to the huge gift shop on Yawkey Way right outside the ballpark for a replacement jersey when the game is over.

Because we live in the Modern World, spilling nachos on the guy next to you means you whip out your phone (oh, who am I kidding, it's already out and you were already scrolling through stuff you were thinking of buying, not like there's a sporting event you paid serious money to watch happening in front of you or anything) and buy him a replacement jersey before he has a chance to even sit back down- "oops sorry I trashed your jersey, but there's another one on the way so don't even respond, ok?"

And never mind that there's no indication that these people know eachother- where is that jersey being sent?  Obviously not to the big guy's house, he wasn't asked his address.  So are they going to meet up in a few days to finish this really awkward (and ridiculously expensive) transaction made necessary by the apparent conviction that A) The guy whose jersey was damaged is big and therefore he's a humorless jerk and therefore was about to kill the slob who damaged it, stopped only by the assurance that a brand new jersey was on the way, and B) saying "oh, I'm sorry" is simply not adequate in the era of Buy It* Right Now?

*Oh, sorry- "Masterpass It."  Yeah, that's going to catch on.  Have I told you how much I hate this century?

Rule #1- everyone who owns one of these things is a total douchenozzle

Rule # 2- if you own a Jaguar, feel free to drive fifty MPH in a f--ng parking garage.  Because it's not like anyone else exists.

Rule # 3- also if you own a Jaguar, you are permitted to drive as fast as you want on ANY road, and to f--k turn signals, those are for total non-Jaguar owners, also known as Losers.

Rule # 91 (according to this British chick)-- "always maintain eye contact, in spite of the distractions. F--k other cars on the road, f--k pedestrians, you own the whole road and if anyone gets in the way, just run them over with your Superior car.

Bottom line and a quick summary of the Jaguar Rulebook- Just do whatever you want in your car, because it's your world, we are just crawling around like ants in it.

Friday, September 23, 2016

Deserts, Farms and Mountains not included, you jackass posers

Nobody is using this thing to tear through mountain streams, and I sure as hell hope that no one is using it to drive through someone's farmland (though if someone tries it, I hope the owner of that farmland has a shotgun and good aim.)  This car is for hauling around soccer teams and groceries.  Call it a Jeep Cherokee in a lame attempt to make some claim to being adventurous if you want, but this is just another Suburban Blandmobile, and the biggest test of it's "seamless transition to changes in terrain" is going to come when you reach the next speed bump, just before you drop your kids off at middle school.

Sorry, losers.  This car isn't going to give you your youth back.  Just thought I'd try to save you forty grand.  No thanks necessary.