Thursday, April 18, 2019
This woman has her pride, I guess. I can't think of any other explanation for the fact that she has a car, but she can't afford insurance so the only alternative to getting her sick kid to the doctor is to walk it (maybe miles? I mean, she would have used her car if she could..) She's not taking an Uber because after all, that's why she bought a car. So she wouldn't have to take an Uber. She's not taking public transportation because that's what the losers do, and she's not a loser, she owns a car and everything. If she takes an Uber the Uber driver will think she's poor and can't afford a car. If she takes the bus the bus driver will think she's poor and can't afford a car.
She can't risk that. She's got her pride. So her car sits in front of the housing project while she puts her sick kid in a stroller and walks it through the streets to the doctor.
That's one lucky kid there. He's got a proud mom. That's a piece of luck that's going to pay off, someday.
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
1. Using animals in commercials. Again, this just needs to stop. Apparently, some people see dogs or cats on television and their attention is transfixed and they are sold on whatever product is being offered. I tune out entirely because I see clueless mammals being used to manipulate the people I mentioned in the last sentence.
Not a pet owner. But even if I was, this wouldn't convince me of anything.
2. "Here's a suggestion- turn on the Do Not Disturb option on your Smartphone." Uh huh, because the only time people are distracted by their phones is when they get calls. It's not like they are initiating the calls themselves, or checking their Facebook status, or texting or watching a movie. Nope, it's all because they are getting calls and didn't realize they had the option of setting their phones to "Do Not Disturb." Or, like, not answering when a call is coming in- that's just not possible, I mean, the phone's ringing, you have to answer it.
Or just putting their phones away until they've reached their destination. Those are never options- so thank goodness for "Do Not Disturb," that's going to make everything better.
3. The comment section. Good lord, you people. Have you no shame at all? Or are you all terrific examples of the people I mentioned in Point # 1? I mean, come on.
Sunday, April 14, 2019
I don't expect anyone to watch this hour-long commercial for Making Money By Getting Other People to Give You Their Money for No Return video, any more than I expect you to watch any commercial- no matter how long- for the same service. Ads for "opportunities" like these seem to make up 90% of YouTube's commercial content these days, and they are all pretty much the same:
1. Self-confident, enthusiastic and almost exclusively Male twentysomething shoves his face into the camera and starts talking to us like he's a trusted friend - most of these ads start with the phrase "Hey Guys" presented in a "oh there you are, well as long as you've decided to drop in, let me tell you about" attitude.
2. Spokeschoad proceeds to tell us about his collection of sportscars and bulging bank account while taking us on a walking tour of his mansion, never failing to mention that six months ago he was flipping burgers at McDonald's and living in his mom's basement. Now he's got more money than he knows what to do with, it was Super Easy, and being the Awesome Human Being he is, he just can't WAIT to share his Secret with the rest of us.
3. Spokeschoad then covers himself with a thin veneer of trustworthiness by warning us against those OTHER people who tell you that Working from Home or Flipping Houses will make you a millionaire overnight, we should totally avoid THOSE losers because they are scammers, it's NOT possible to become a millionaire overnight even with HIS Proven, Guaranteed System. It takes six months. Oh, and it takes a lot of work even while being Super Easy.
4. Spokeschoad finally gets around to explaining how, by giving him just a little of the money you probably don't have, he'll show you how you can be Just Like Him with his sportscar collection, mansion and Oh Did I Mention The Fabulous Vacations I Take All The Time With My Hot Girlfriend?
5. The comment section is overrun with "testimonials" gushing about how SuperAwesomeAmazing this opportunity is, and how it's Not At All Like those other people who are just SCAMMERS. And if you tried this system and lost money, it's because you Didn't Believe, Didn't Try Hard Enough and Just Didn't Want to Be Successful and how you're Looking For A Good Man to Blame (often that Good Man is God-Fearing, too, so you get double demerits for your slander.)
So go ahead and join everyone's favorite cult, the Church of Online Dumb, and get that career flipping houses or Mid-Level Marketing underway. Or get your credit score into the 800s using this One Simple Trick. Whatever, you'll be in that mansion with that sportscar in no time at all (model trophy girlfriend/wife included, just pay extra shipping and handling.)
Saturday, April 13, 2019
See, I'm pretty sure we are supposed to appreciate that this is yet another ad featuring a Mixed Race Yeah What Are You Going to Do About It couple, but seriously that is soooo 2018. Mixed Race couple in a YouTube ad? Um, yeah-- so? How are you going to demonstrate how Woke you are next? Gonna show us a man washing dishes or a woman wearing pants?
Meanwhile, all I see is that two ugly people found eachother and are now a couple. Seriously, I don't care about their skin color. These people are UGLY.
Oh, but wait-maybe THAT'S the super-progressive message of this ad: Look, you don't have to be physically attractive to be in a stupid insurance ad! You can be really, really unattractive and we'll still put you on tv because Deal With It America, This Is 2019!
Friday, April 12, 2019
Every day, Justin "chooses" to walk....um, because his crummy job as a tour guide kind of requires it. Kind of like I "choose" to get up before 6 AM so I can get myself to school to teach before the first bell rings. It's a choice, you see.
And at the end of the day, Justin chooses to take his little daughter to an upscale neighborhood they don't actually live in so she can practice riding her bike in safety. Because I'm sorry, but tour guides don't live in neighborhoods like this. There's probably just too much broken glass and garbage lying around in Justin's actual neighborhood. Not to mention the crime.
Or wait....maybe Justin is actually a bond trader who likes to conduct tours through the city on the side because he's a People Person? That's more plausible than the Tour Guide Who Lives in a Freaking Mansion on an Exclusive Suburban Street, anyway.
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
You can do your work, or you can find reasons not to do your work while pretending to be productive. If you prefer the latter, Monday.com is perfect for you.
Sure, you've already sent an email giving everyone on "your team" their job assignments and deadlines. But-- if that's all you need to do, you'll have to get to work on your own part of the workload. You could make some coffee, or check your Facebook page, or make a snack, or watch something on YouTube, or tidy up your work area....but that's not especially productive. Taking all the information that's already available and organizing it to an online calendar? That sure LOOKS productive, and I bet it leaves you with the feeling that you've done something. Sure, you fell farther behind in completing your assignment, but it's not like you weren't productive, check out this calendar you created!
Never mind that as soon as you finish filling out the totally unnecessary Monday.com calendar, it's inaccurate because you've spent time filling out that totally unnecessary Monday.com calendar- the important thing is that you were sitting at your desk typing, which means you were busy, which means you earned your paycheck, and now you've made everything easier by putting the schedule on this totally unnecessary Monday.com calendar.
And you didn't leave your desk to raid the snack drawer or finish off the coffee in the break room, so give yourself an extra pat on the back.
Sunday, April 7, 2019
Here's another one of those almost unbelievably stupid Bounty paper towel ads in which people freak out because their glowingly white, perfectly clean world is about to be slightly (and very temporarily) marred by a spill.
Seriously, what the hell is going on here? This family reacts to the dropping of a dumpling* as if it's a crystal vase once owned by the Romanovs and passed down from great grandma's estate. Good lord, people. It's a dumpling. Falling on a kitchen table. Creating a slight stain.
So what's with the looks of existential horror all around? The kid acts as if the last time he spilled something he was given a severe beating and a month in the Box of Shame. And it sure seems as if we, the audience, are supposed to understand perfectly the Horror of Dropping a Piece of Food, just as in a previous commercial we were supposed to understand perfectly the Horror of Spilling an Ounce of Iced Coffee.
Well, maybe you do, but I don't. We all know what paper towels are for and why we like to have them around, but--umm, Bounty? You aren't going to convince us that they're right up there with fire extinguishers, and you aren't going to convince us that spills are anything more than...spills. So please, stop trying.
*And I'm not even going to get into examining how the Magic Dumpling managed to skid/skip/bounce almost three feet across a table so that it could land in the mouth of a dog sitting across from the kid in exactly the right place to catch a morsel of food that had no business falling off a table in that spot. I mean, what the hell? Did that dumpling come with propellants that activated when it encountered a hard surface? Because come on, there is this thing called physics.