Sunday, February 23, 2020
Maybe this woman is just being super-shallow-- I mean, she decides she doesn't like this guy and doesn't want to get to know him the moment she realizes that his profile pic is nothing like the way he looks in real life. Of course, he doesn't help by launching into a series of obvious lies which confirm her suspicion that he's a deceitful creep, so maybe she's just being smart.
If you're one of those people who enjoy these "sequels," I don't want to know why, and I want nothing to with you or your sad little non-life. I mean, beyond simply asking "what the hell is wrong with you?"
Saturday, February 22, 2020
"Cheap tuna baked item AGAIN?"
"I'm broke! I spent all my money on actual, functional, legitimate car insurance!"
"Who are you talking too, mommy? And really? You're broke? Where's dad? Where's the child support? Can't we get benefits from those nice people who must be helping you pay for this house?"
"Just eat your tuna whatever."
Three Days Later:
"Wow, steak? Did you get a better job, Mommy? Or did you get benefits?"
"Nope! I just dumped that expensive, actual, functional, legitimate car insurance and got cut-rate, barely-legal car insurance from Good2Go! And now we can afford steak! It's all about priorities, kids!"
"Um, Mommy? We can go back to eating tuna. That's better for us than steak anyway. We'd rather be covered in case you have another accident."
"Shut up and eat your steak, Mommy's having a night out and needs to feed you and stick you in front of the TV before she goes. Now that I can drive AND have some pocket money, Mommy's finally going to live a little."
"Mommy? Can we please just go back to walking everywhere?"
Friday, February 21, 2020
...kind of speaks for itself, don't you think?
I mean what else is there to say about this horrific dreck? This woman's child is somewhere in the house, bleeding...but Mommy is unwilling to disturb her kitty or interrupt her Very Special Time with Kitty to see what's going on and maybe tend to her kid's wound. No need for that- after all, if the kid can call out, he can get bandages and patch himself up just fine.
Meanwhile, Kitty seems hungry- Mommy jumps up and feeds Kitty. Kitty cannot wait. It's not like it's a human child or anything. Kitty depends on Mommy. Child is old enough to articulate his needs, which means he's old enough to TEND to his needs. Right?
The comment section also speaks for itself: Cat owners who think it's funny, trolls who surf the comment sections ever-watchful for us "triggered" types so they can tell us to Lighten Up, and people like me who have two brain cells to rub together and a sense of humor that responds to actual humor and not abortions like.....this.
Wednesday, February 19, 2020
Clearly, the people in this ad just wanted to be on television. They didn't care if they had to be disgusting. They didn't care if they had to act as if a sandwich had become the center of their universe. Heck, they didn't care if the director told them to act as if they wanted to have non-consensual sex with that sandwich. As long as the result was promised Face Time on TV, they were willing to do anything. Which is why we see two fat ugly people describe the mystical experience they are having with a pile of fried ground chicken slavered with mayo, and another girl doing nothing more than pointing at the sandwich she apparently tried and failed to completely jam into her ridiculous maw and giving us "It good me eat you eat too" vibes.
Personally, I'd rather be anonymous than in a position where people might be texting me asking "hey is that your ridiculous fat face making a total ass of yourself in a freaking Popeye's commercial?" But hey, that's just me.
Sunday, February 16, 2020
"All we need is every channel possible plus fast and unlimited internet service. That's all we need. If we just have those two things, we'll be Happy."
"If we don't have one of those two things- both of which, remember, we Need- we'll be miserable, and our family will be disfunctional. We simply will not be able to go on. Me, my husband, and these two kids who came from somewhere or another- we'll all act like we're trapped in a bomb shelter, the world has been nuked, and there's one television and DVD player that makes up one hundred percent of our entertainment options. In other words, Thunderdome. We'll be at each other's throats in fifteen seconds flat, and only the Strong will Survive."
"And if we can't have 3000 channels and a DVR which allows us to watch one of them while recording 16 others at the same time and be able to stream movies on our phones while talking and texting to other sapient human beings, well, I think a suicide pact is probably in the offing. I mean, the only alternative I could think of other than quickly guzzling down a mixture of barbiturates and vodka is a board game or conversation, and that would just be ridiculous.
"After all, the last time two times the internet crashed, we got these little people nine months later. Not going through THAT again."
Saturday, February 15, 2020
I'd say this is another case of a big Hollywood Star (or retired athlete) shilling for a few extra dollars- like Magic Johnson shilling for Rent A Center or Shaquille O'Neal pimping for The General car insurance. Except, Ernie Hudson is not and never has been a big Hollywood Star. This is a lot more like Wesley Snipes pitching anything he can get paid for pitching. Shame on you, Earnie. You were a freaking Ghostbuster when that meant something!
I wasn't going to use this ad. I was going to leave Ernie alone. After all, I've snarked on this company before and I don't like to go back to the same well too often. But two things changed my mind and convinced me to make this post:
1. American Car Shield has apparently decided to be a HUGE sponsor of the XFL. Not only did this commercial show up no less than a dozen times during the game I was watching this afternoon, but a THIRTY MINUTE INFOMERCIAL VERSION came on immediately following. It's on as I'm typing this- and from my den I can hear disgusting lying spokeschoads yukking it up with Ernie Hudson about how "the check engine light is the scariest sight in the whole world" (that's the definition of Privilege, people) and yakking with nameless mechanics (unless you think a first name followed by an initial is a name) about how high even the simplest auto repair bills can be these days we've all got to stretch every dollar as far as it can go during these tough times yadda yadda yadda buy this scummy, scammy non-insurance 'cause look Ernie Hudson and all these "mechanics" and actors pretending to be customers just swear by it.
2. Ernie Hudson commits two unforgivable crimes during (at least the long version) of this ad. First, he's sitting there wearing a stupid Official Car Shield t-shirt like he's an f--ing employee you might expect to bump into at the non-existent Official Car Shield Office That Doesn't Exist Near You. Second, he tells us - with a straight face- "when you need affordable coverage on your car, who ya gonna call?" Yes, he went there. I can only hope that Columbia Pictures slaps this bs "insurance" company down hard with a trademark violation suit. Sorry, Ernie, but you and your new friends would totally deserve it.
Friday, February 14, 2020
Somehow, the human-sized fungus in this ad is living in a palace of a house- I'm thinking "lottery winner" or maybe "house-sitter." House-sitter would certainly explain why he starts the commercial trying to eat a TV dinner he has no interest in.
Anyway, Domino's decided that we're all super-nostalgic about the 80s nowadays (we've got that Top Gun sequel coming up this summer, right?) and everyone over the age of 45 or so will remember when Tom Cruise danced around the house in his underwear. What Domino's forgot was that the scene they are lamely attempting to copy here takes place EARLY in the film, before Cruise's character has the night of his life- and having the night of his life has absolutely nothing to do with eating a bland, mass-produced pile of carbohydrates and sugar which tastes only slightly better than the box it came in.
The delivery guy makes some allusion to the idea that the fungus is going to have a great night. Yeah, that's what I would think if I delivered a pizza to a guy I caught dancing around in his underwear, all by himself. Right after I thought "wow, what a winner" and "I'd give anything to be THIS guy." Uh huh.
Let's be real. The dancing bacteria stain is going to take that pizza and a pack of Red Bull to his Rogers Electric Game Brick and settle down for a long night of playing whatever Call of Duty version we're up to these days. The best part of his night- anticipating the brief human contact that came along with the pizza- is over. As over as Domino's poorly thought-out attempt to tickle my nostalgia bone.