Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Hey look it's the "the best companies are the ones that pay me" guy, today it's Sprint!

Someday, someone will explain to me why Sprint thinks that this annoying jackass with the Most Punchable Face on Television who has already demonstrated a willingness to pimp for whichever phone service is willing to pay him is at all persuasive in his arguments for their company.  Because I just don't see it- he's just an ugly knob who seems determined to get us to throw heavy objects at our screens.  Maybe Sprint sells televisions as well as phone service?

At any rate, check out the people in the background walking the dog.  Wonder what they are saying to eachother?

"Hey, what's going on over there?  Looks like they are filming a commercial."

"Yeah and that guys looks familiar....oh god, it's that guy who used to tell us one phone service as the best option available, then ran out his string and got canned, then got picked up by another phone service which he's now telling us is the best option available."

"Jeesh, what a transparent BS artist.  And with a really, really punchable face, too.  Let's move on."

Monday, June 24, 2019

Why does Geico treat it's potential customers like this?

Count how many times the idiot NOT acting like a child having a stress attack uses the phrase "help with homeowner insurance."  What the hell does that even mean?  Geico sells homeowner insurance.  It "helps" with insurance the same way a grocery store "helps" provide you with milk and bread.  What's with that language?  Is Geico afraid to use the term "sell" in it's ad?  Does it think we're going to become convinced that we aren't capable of buying home insurance and we need someone to "help" us through the process without actually taking money out of our pockets?  Does Geico think we're all a bunch of children?

Wait- watching this commercial again, maybe that's exactly what Geico thinks.  So it distracts us with this fat doofus acting like an infant at a McDonald's Playland instead of someone seriously considering purchasing a home.  And it uses language which suggests he just needs someone to hold his hand while he buys insurance- not someone to sell it to him.  WTF-ever, Geico.

Sunday, June 23, 2019

Samsung is either confused, or incredibly full of itself

Hey, Samsung?  TV didn't "make history" when man landed on the moon in 1969.  TV captured a moment of history BEING MADE.  Suggesting that this means that television "made history" is like saying that Zapruder made history by capturing Kennedy's assasination on film or that Da Vinci made history by painting the Last Supper.  Pointing a camera at history or painting a moment in history after the fact isn't "making history."  It's almost sad to imagine that a large segment of your audience probably thinks that man landing on the moon wasn't such a big deal- it was television broadcasting the moment that was "historical."

Television recorded an event.  It did not create the event.  There IS a difference.

Meanwhile, well, congratulations on producing a somewhat Better for Some Reason Boob Tube.  just don't call it History, ok?  That word means something.  Or at least it used to, before ESPN and choads like you decided to water it down to the consistency of Bud Lite.

Saturday, June 22, 2019

Samsung Presents: A new phone with a feature nobody in their right mind will want to use

"Setting aside the "designed for this generation in mind" line for a moment...

Yeah right, Samsung.  I've seen people refuse to let old men cut in line at the coffee shop.  I've seen seated twentysomethings ignore standing pregnant women on the metro.  I've seen countless drivers flatly refuse to give desperate neighbors a battery boost with their cars.  And more to the point, I've seen people of all ages fight over the last available charging station at the airport gate.

Bluntly put:  No one's draining their phone battery to give someone else's phone a boost.  Certainly not a total stranger at a bar.  And the idea that it will become a natural thing to do because hey, they'll pay it forward, is an even bigger joke. 

How would this work anyway?  "Hey buddy, my cell phone is at 20%.  Can you give me some power?"

"Well, I'm going to be out all night. and my battery is at 80%...I don't know, I have calls to make and I kind of wanted to watch a podcast later....."

"Oh come on, this is an emergency."

"Well, ok, I'll get your phone up to 30%, how's that?"

"Ugh what a selfish jerk, forget it.  I don't know what's happened to society.  My kid wants to watch cartoons, and my phone is almost dead.  You don't have any kids, but your precious podcast is more important than my kid?  You're breaking her heart.  You just don't care."

"Um, why don't you just carry a portable charger?  I mean, the really good ones cost like thirty bucks."

"Go to hell you selfish creep."

Seriously, who the heck is going to volunteer cell phone charge to anyone?  I think people will avoid getting this phone so they DON'T find themselves constantly dunned for free boosts from fellow cellphone addicts who couldn't be bothered to think ahead.  In this way it's NOT AT ALL like the pregnant woman who needs a seat or the stranded motorist who needs someone to help him with his jumper cables.  This is about enabling someone's "need" to be on their phone constantly.  No thanks.  Here's a better idea- keep your phone charged.  If you simply must drain your battery when you're out on the town, carry a charger with you.  But asking me to drain my cell phone battery so you can stay connected?  I'm going to opt out.  I'll let you cut in line at the coffee shop and I'll definitely give my seat on the train and when I had a car I sure would have helped you out of a jam by getting your car going.  I'm drawing the line here though, because dammit, you need to show some responsibility despite what commercials are teaching you.

"Designed with this generation in mind"--ouch, that''s a pretty nasty slap at millions of people who happen to have been born between an arbitrary set of years, Samsung.  I'm insulted on their behalf.

Friday, June 21, 2019

PNC Bank's weird casting decision inspires an entire blog post....

I totally get that yes, it's a good feature if you can put a lock on your credit card when you note it's been lost.  And yes, it's 2019, "cash only" food or merchandise stands simply should not be a thing anymore (as far as I'm concerned, "Cash Only" translates into "We Don't Really Want Your Business" in 2019.  If you are selling something that costs more than $5, you better set yourself up to accept credit or plan on not having any sales.  It's 2019.  People don't carry wads of green paper with Presidents on them these days.  Sorry.)

But jeeeeesh PNC Bank,  that girl about to flush her dad's credit card down the toilet?  SHE'S TOO OLD TO BE DOING THAT.  That kid has to be eight years old!  Flushing valuables down a toilet is something kids 3-5 years old do!  NOT EIGHT!  Which means I just have to assume that this little aspiring actress is the daughter of the producer, right?

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

The Curse of the Insurance Spokeschoad

Agent: "This happens all the time, I'll help take care of it."

Sports Figure Appearing in State Farm Commercials instead of Winning Championships:  "What happens all the time?"

Agent:  "We get called by a sports figure who makes huge amounts of money while either playing for an Also-Ran non-championship team or retired from that team."

Sports Figure: "What?  What do you mean?"

Agent:  "Well, currently you guys keep showing up in State Farm Commercials.  You're well-known members of the Houston Rockets, a team which failed- once again- to win the championship this year. Hell, you didn't even make it to the finals.  But no problem, you're recognizable, so you get to be in State Farm commercials showing off your awesome cars and ridiculous mansions, pretending to be friends in the off-season."

Sports Figure:  "And that's really common?  What if I appeared in commercials for some other insurance company?"

Agent:  "Maybe.  Remember Peyton Manning? He won two Superbowls, but he spent his entire career in the shadow of Tom Brady.  If Brady hadn't been around, Peyton certainly would have won 4 or 5 rings.  But it didn't really matter- even when he was at the top of his game, and having most seasons end with a loss to the Patriots in a playoff game, he was being regularly featured in these ads.  Heck, he's been retired for years and he's still pimping for Nationwide."

Sports Figure:  "Well, ok but that's Peyton Manning.  Anyone else?"

Agent:  "Do you ever watch TV?  88% of our ads feature Aaron Rodgers.  You know Aaron Rodgers- he's the guy that douchenozzle Max Kellerman says Tom Brady isn't better than in the same breath he uses to call Tom Brady the greatest QB of all time.  He's the guy who has exactly one Superbowl ring from eight years ago but is still recognizable enough to be a State Farm spokeschoad."

Sports Figure:  "But they DID win championships. So there is SOME hope for me."

Agent: "Yeah, sure, sure there is.  Can you go back to being a bug-eyed idiot for an insurance company now?  I mean, it's not like you have a parade to be in or anything like that."

Monday, June 17, 2019

UpWork: When you don't know how to do what you were hired to do....

And collect a paycheck to do.....

No worries.  Just like there's a place for the functionally illiterate to go to have their grammar fixed (Grammarly) and there's a place to go to find unpaid interns desperate for "experience" (Reddit, Facebook, etc,) there's now a place to go to hire people to do the work you told your prospective employer you were capable of doing, which btw got you that job it turns out you don't know how to do.

UpWork essentially provides out-of-work Freelancers to do the thinking-and working-for salaried professionals who enjoy making that paycheck but have no clue how to earn it.  Take a look at the jackasses in this particular ad:  They are salespeople.  Their sales have leveled off.  Naturally, this is a big problem because they were hired to keep those sales up.  They COULD have a brainstorming session in which they try to come up with just one or two decent ideas.  OR, they could farm out some of their responsiblities- and their company's money- to UpWork, where some desperate choad in front of a laptop is eager to take care of their problem for a few bucks which will allow him to avoid homelessness for another month.

Employed lazy twits give eachother high-fives and celebrate with a round of Coronas after leaving the office.  Desperate Choad runs out for some more ramen before sitting back down in front of his laptop awaiting his next assignment courtesy of overpaid douchenozzles who can't be bothered to do their job but who make enough to pass on a few crumbs to Desperate Choad.  Life is good.  For somebody. 

And to think, I feel guilty at times when I purchase a lesson plan at 4:30 AM  from TeachersPayTeachers because it's easier than trying to come up with something for my kids to do so I can call in sick. I don't think this is quite the same thing.

Still....gotta love how this all works, don't you?