Monday, May 22, 2017

Cross-promoting M&Ms, Guardians of the Galaxy, and Racoon Maulings

Cross-promotions are the drum solos of commercials.  They are always just so g-d--ned awful and insulting and stupid.  I blame one of the best movies ever made, E.T., for their ubiquitousness (is that even a word?) because of that one simple Reece's/Movie tie-in because it lead to almost four decades of this awful "eat this or drive this while watching this" banal crud.

This one is especially bad because the two stupid fricking M&M characters are actually in the damn theater watching the damn movie (which, by the way, go ahead and flame me you weird cultists, is one of the most freaking overrated films of all time, sorry now get a freaking life) when the disease-ridden, sharp-clawed rodent does what come naturally for it (eating bags of someone else's food.)  This of course is supposed to be hilarious because get it, one of the adowable characters of that stupid It's Just Another CGI-Fest Waste of Time movie is or is not a racoon (the "debate," carried out exclusively by sad losers on the internet, continues.)  Oh my sides are splitting.

So go see Guardians of the Galaxy II because hey, you saw the first one and since then you've been told a thousand times that it's the Gone With The Wind of action-adventure crap.  And eat, umm, M&Ms, I guess.  And popcorn.  And play with racoons until they bite your fingers off and you choke to death on your own spittle.  Or something.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Another "Moms are superhuman slaves" ad, this one by Nyquil

"Moms don't take sick days?"  Um, why the hell not?  Is it because Dad isn't there to help raise his own children, ever, and would probably accidentally kill them with his ineptitude if allowed to try for one day?

You can damn well bet that DADS take sick days.  And spend them being mothered by Mom, who just adds him to the list of people who must be taken care of on those particular days.  But Moms?  Moms aren't allowed to be sick, and they really aren't allowed to rest, either, except during those hours when the kids are asleep and Dad doesn't need anything either.  Her rest periods end when one of her kids- the children or the adult one- needs something.

Need a longer break, mom?  You shouldn't have had these kids all by yourself.  And you can take several days off when they are out of the house (and your hubby doesn't need you to for anything.)  Or when you're dead.

Why do the makers of Nyquil and Tide commercials insist on acting as if we are still in some Leave It To Beaver version of the 1950s?  Those days really aren't missed by anyone with a functioning brain.  I really doubt the Dad in this commercial is all that anxious to get back to them, for example.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

This girl must stink to high heaven most of the time

"My little girl practically lives in her Princess dress...she wears it all week...."

Wait, it's about to get much, much worse.

"But once a week, I need to clean it.  So what do I do?  What any good dad would do- I let her play sheriff.  While I clean that dress she's been wearing for a week."

No kidding.  This guy lets his daughter wear the same freaking dress for weeks at a time, with brief intervals in which she wears a sheriff's costume so he can wash the stinking, grass-and-spaghetti-stained thing.  And please note that he LETS her play sheriff for those maybe two hours it takes to wash her regular uniform, the princess dress.  Then it's back to her gender-appropriate princess dress.

Someone please explain to me two things here:

1.  Why the hell is this "expert dad" going along with this wear-the-same-dress-for-weeks-at-a-time bit?  Does this girl not go to school?  Is he just keeping her socially isolated in the house and the backyard, or what?  I mean, how badly does this girl smell at the end of each designated laundry cycle?

2.  How many brain cells would we have to donate to Expert Dad to get him to realize that a really good time to wash that stupid ugly dress would be in the evening when spoiled little princess is asleep and presumably wearing something else?  Oh, would that require the idiot to go shopping for new clothes every once in a while?

3.  Does anyone else think this commercial is really stupid and disturbing, or is it just me?

Friday, May 19, 2017

Order now and get a Butter And Sugar Infuser absolutely free!*

I'm going to tweak the script of this commercial without changing the basic message:

"We all love bacon.  We simply can't get enough of it.  We'd eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinner and all snacks if we could.  When we get around to making 'Fourth Meal' an official thing- and seriously, it's only a matter a time in Donald Trump's America- that Fourth Meal will consist entirely of bacon."

"As we all know, the problem is that bacon is not very convenient to make.  It creates grease which splatters and makes messes and is even dangerous.  And because of these problems, we often deny ourselves our god-given right to consume as much pig as we'd like.  The result?  We aren't anywhere near as unhealthy as we COULD be if only SOMEONE could make the cooking of fatty strips of pork easier!"

"Well, here's the solution- with this handy little device, you effortlessly add hundreds of calories to your diet and subtract several years of your life!  Yay bacon!"

*Just pay extra shipping and handling

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Which element of this Burger King/Transformers ad is the most disgusting?

Is it

A)  The pie-sized, grease-infused sandwiches these two slobs are about to stick into their faces?

B)  The fact that both of these future heart attack victims is totally oblivious to the carnage going on outside?

C)  The fact that the dreamy-eyed jackass can't even bother to use a napkin but instead wipes his mouth with the back of his hand?

D)  Michael Bay continues to make money putting out this CGI-dominated, epilepsy-inducing schlock two decades after totally trashing the story of Pearl Harbor?

Saturday, May 13, 2017

This Toyota ad almost makes me miss Jan

First, how does the Pedestrian know that the car stopped itself?  Can he tell from his view as a Nearly Crushed by Car Driven by Clueless, Distracted Dicktard that the driver didn't hit his brake?

Second- so, how many guys did this jackass driver kill before he bought this car which did his thinking and braking for him?

Finally- this crap happens to me at least once a week, as I am always a pedestrian.  Never once have I even considered running up to the driver and having a freaking orgasm over his car.  First, I'd probably get shot before I got to the window.  Second, I don't feel compelled to thank people for almost but not quite hitting me.  I know, I'm weird like that.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Actually I'd think "the people living there are idiots- and not at home."

So if you walk past a house in which the lights are randomly turning on and off, you think "oh that house must be haunted?"  Um, maybe twenty years ago a small child might have a reasonable excuse for taking that leap.  In 2017 I think pretty much everyone instantly thinks "App" when they see stuff like this.  Maybe this ad is making fun of the fact that the dog-walker is an elderly man for whom electric lights are already pretty amazingly close to magic and for whom "App" is not a word.

And you've got to have EVERY FREAKING LIGHT IN THE HOUSE connected to this stupid App? Not just at the door or in the kitchen?  EVERY FREAKING ONE?  That's pretty damn stupid.

Oh, and why is this toddler being allowed to play with the freaking phone anyway?  Didn't bring any toys, stupid parents?  Or is the little kid already imitating you cell phone junkie morons?

And one more thing- "your son?"  Huh?  Is that supposed to be a "cute" little reversal of the "your child" crap we used to hear from television dads who were constantly reinforcing the idea that Mommy is the one raising the offspring?  If so, it falls pretty flat here.