Sunday, August 19, 2018

What White People Do for Fun, According to LL Bean....

The only thing more pathetic than the people racing their canoes in this ad are the people cheering them on from the shore.  I mean, at least the people in the canoes are actually doing something- even if it is really stupid.  The people on the shore are--- just watching.  What the hell.

Wait, you know what?  There are people even MORE pathetic in this ad.  They are the ones on the shore upriver, who found themselves shouting and cheering as the boaters LEFT the campsite.  They don't even get to see the result of the race (which I can't imagine caring about anyway, but whatever.)

At least they are wearing life jackets, but still....this is pretty stupid.  And very, very white.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

Chevy's Real People, Not Actors series finally reaches the bottom of the barrel. I think.

In this ad, four chunky dumb-as-rocks jackass Chevy truck owners have been talked into parking side by side next to a warehouse with no windows in the hopes of being featured in a commercial if they gush hard enough over whatever bland piece of crap Chevrolet is trying to sell in this ad.

And it's a good thing that they parked absolutely perfectly- and got their cars thoroughly detailed and waxed before this totally spontaneous visit to the warehouse to have a conversation with a by-now very well known Chevy spokeschoad, because they have to show well when the door opens and it's revealed that the kind of truck they'd really want is exactly the kind of truck they currently have.  Nice wake-up call to any of these drooling morons who thought that maybe if they described a Chevy truck to the Eurotrash dicktard with the cameraman with enough enthusiasm they might get a new truck as payment and not just five seconds of screen time on a stupid commercial.

Nonplussed by the news that they already own the truck of their dreams and they won't be driving home with an upgrade today, the trained monkeys respond on cue in the usual manner, bleating "wow it's a dynasty" and "I'm so proud," like their ability to sign their names to contracts which locked them into years of payments was some kind of accomplishment that puts them into a special category of people breathing rarified air.  Holy cripes, people- "dynasty?' "Proud?"  Are you f--ing kidding me?

In the end, we have yet another group of Not Real People Just Soulless Zombie Sellouts eager to kiss Chevy butt on tv if it means they get to have a camera in their face for a moment, because 1.  That's enough to establish your own IMdB page and 2.  Shame is for losers.

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Buick's Enclave of Insufferably Conspicuous Consumption

So TrophyWife #1 stands next to her $50,000 Conspicious ConsumptionMobile in the driveway of her million-dollar McMansion and is greeted by a neighbor who immediately asks about the Big Shiny Thing With Wheels.

TrophyWife #2 wants to know about the car, so TrophyWife #1 explains what it is an how it can seat up to seven people- or poodles.  I'm not at all sure why TrophyWife #1 thinks that TrophyWife #2 wants to know the seating capacity in Dog Units just because TrophyWife #2 has a dog....if TrophyWife #2 had a parakeet on her shoulder instead, would TrophyWife #1 be telling her how many parakeets the Big Shiny LookAtMeMobile can hold?

(TrophyWife #1 certainly needs a car that seats seven- Hubby didn't buy a woman significantly younger than he is just for her looks.  She's got to stay fertile long enough to produce five offspring, that's been made clear by the purchase of a car with otherwise unnecessary seating space.  Oh but don't worry, TrophyWife #1, there's a Pelaton Bike on the way so you can keep that figure worthy of That Guy Who Bought You.)

Anyway, the whole neighborhood is taken by the new car, so much so that in no time at all Every Single House in the Gated Community of White People Police are Authorized to Act on Behalf of Owner's Association ("The Buick Enclave."  PLEASE bring on the guillotines!) owns one.  That's the fun of being a rich cretin in the magical suburbs of Television- if you want something, you just buy it.  Need it?  Well, of course you need it- your neighbor has one, after all.

So are all the other TrophyWives in this ad going to have five kids, too?  Or does their desire to emulate TrophyWife #1 stop at having a big shiny car with lots and lots of room for kids, poodles, parakeets or whatever?  Stay tuned- but don't let me know the answer, 'cause I'm not interested any more.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Boost Mobile's vision of the perfect "Family Road Trip"

This "family" was "four hours into their road trip" when they learned that their data plan was inadequate.  I wish I was making this up.  I'm not.

Turns out that "road trip" means "people related to eachother traveling in the same car" and not "families taking a fun vacation" like I'm pretty sure it meant when I was a kid.  Brother and Sister can't put their f--ng phones away for a few hours and talk to eachother and mom and dad- nope, they have to spend the trip eating away at the family data plan.  Their determination to ignore eachother and feed their electronic addiction is SO bad that only four hours in, they've hit their data limits.

Here's a good opportunity for Mom and Dad to tell the kids to put away their stupid-ass phones, cut that electronic umbilical cord, and get them to notice that there's Life Without Streaming.  Of course, that's not going to happen.  Nope.  Mom and Dad "solve" the "problem" by ducking into a Boost Mobile store and getting a new data plan.

Four hours into a road trip.  They are in a store, changing data plans and getting new phones.  Because that's how "problems" like this get "solved" in 2018.

It's pretty clear how the rest of this road trip is going to go, isn't it?  Brother and Sister will spend the rest of it on their phones.  Mom and Dad will congratulate themselves for rendering kids Silent (Dad is thrilled that the switch in data plans plus new phones is shutting his kids up) and - I guess- enjoy the trip with these life forms they passed DNA on to some time back.

This is the new normal, huh?  Holy crap people, how can anyone possibly find this attractive in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM?  Are you all freaking insane, or what?

Sunday, August 12, 2018

The Timeshare Exit Team- because for some people there's just no fixing stupid

Mike and Kelly were way too young and stupid to get married, and we learn this immediately when Kelly tells us they went on a honeymoon to Maui and decided they wanted to live there.

That's something children do- they visit some cool place and decide it's the bestest place in the word let's never leave.  Because they are children.  Adults are capable of understanding that places like Maui are for honeymoons and vacations and unless you want to tend bar or clean hotel rooms you can't really LIVE there.  Mike and Kelly let us know that they aren't adults, because...

Instead of just being satisfied with the whistful "we never want to leave" followed by the inevitable departure back to Reality, Mike and Kelly purchased a time share in Maui.  Because- did I explain this already?- Mike and Kelly are stupid children who don't just don't get the difference between vacations and real life.

As happens in approximately 100 percent of all timeshare purchases, regret sets in shortly after the ink dries.  Mike and Kelly are now expecting a child (these people always pass their stunted DNA on to the next generation.  Always) and realize Oh Yeah We Are Never Going To Actually Get To Use That Timeshare How Do We Get Out of This.  Never mind that there is no time in a person's life wher a timeshare "fits" in any way, shape or form.  They are never NOT a bad idea.

Anyway, these kids were stunned to find that getting rid of a timeshare is like trying to fob a cursed jewel off on the informed public- they have to stand in line behind several million other morons who can't believe how hard it is to convince someone else to take on the burden anyone with two brain cells to rub together won't go near.  People trying to dump timeshares must feel like the Last Really Stupid people standing on the very top of the Great Pyramid of Dumb- ok, I've got this white elephant, who do I get to hand it off too?

Fortunately there's no end of these Timeshare Liquidation companies which are willing to offer dumbasses like Mike and Kelly ten cents on the dollar to get them out from under their ridiculously childish impulse buy.  And Mike and Kelly will take it and be happy because they've got a Bundle of Joy on the way which will, unfortunately, have to get by with genes they can donate to it.  Poor kid.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Me v. Toyota Jan and some annonymous twerp

So for some reason, Toyota hired these salespeople to gawk at a bunch of cars Toyota Jan calls "the last of the 2018s."  Some annoymous twerp says "ah, what a sight" as if he's waxing poetic about the view from Mount Vesuvius or a flock of geese heading south for the winter and couldn't possibly be refering to a dozen Japanese Blandmobiles being delivered to the dealership.   I'd say these people were completely soulless but that's way too easy and way too obvious.

I say "for some reason" because the new Toyotas being delivered apparently emit pheromones which attract middle-class zombies like flies to a dirty diaper.  They aren't off the truck and priced before they've been surrounded by glassy-eyed mouth-breathers who just can't get enough of the pretty colors- and apparently aren't nearly as impressed by the cars already on the lot.  In another version of this ad, a customer actually kisses the car trailer driver and gushes "thank you!" for bringing them to the dealership- no kidding. So what the hell was the point of hiring salespeople?

What is the purpose of this ad?  Is it really intended to make me think that if I don't rush off to Toyota RIGHT NOW someone else is going to get the Toyota of my dreams?  That someone's going to knock me over to get the last Toyota like it's the last box of crackers on the shelf and the Cuban missile crisis in underway?

Is it to convince me that everyone who works for Toyota just worships the damn product they were hired to sell?  "Ah, what a sight"- really?  They are freaking cars, jackass.  If you are impressed by the sight of Toyotas, please don't drive it or any other car- you are way too easily distracted by things us Normals don't find all that amazing.

Friday, August 10, 2018

Kia piles all kinds of dumb into this ad

1.  The "kids selling stuff that only adults buy" trope:  It fails again.  That means it's 0 for roughly 1.3 million.  No, KIA, I am not impressed that these two kids are dressed nicely while they tell me how great this deal on a new KIA is.  That's because no matter how nice and white and educated they look, I know that kids their age know absoutely nothing about buying a car.  What they know is that it's shiny and has dual DVD players and WiFi and shows well for their friends.  That's IT.

2.  It's never too early to start the Smart Girl/Dumb Boy schtick, is it, KIA?  The boy in this ad is supposed to know about cars, but not about the Screen Actors' Guild or other labor law enforcement agencies which protect actors (and these kids ARE actors.)  See, it's FUNNY because Stupid Male thought he was doing this for tv facetime only- it's not that he's getting paid LESS than his sister- HE'S NOT GETTING PAID AT ALL LOL!!

(By the way, how did Sister find out Brother was getting less money- and if she had access to that information, how did she not know he wasn't getting paid at all?)

3.  Obstensibly, this is supposed to be a commercial for the KIA in the background.  Instead, it comes off as an audition tape for two kids who would really like to be on TV more often.  Either way, it doesn't work- I don't want to buy a KIA, and I don't want to see either of these kids ever again.  Nice job, KIA!