Monday, April 24, 2017

Questions for Chevy's "Real People, Not Actors"

1.  What incentive to these loathsome, camera-sucking little tools have to obey the bidding of the Chevy spokeschoad?  Were they promised a good truck if they won the "contest" by reading off the awards, or just a Chevy?

2.  "That's a lot of pressure...." um, why?  Is this like the Hunger Games of commercials, where the person least proficient in reading off awards quickly is "eliminated?"  It sure sounds like there's an award being offered to the best reader.  Is there a reason we, the audience, have not been clued in?

3.  Can we all agree that these "Real People, Not Actors" Chevy commercials went to seed quite some time ago, and if we aren't making snarky comments on blogs we are creating parody videos for YouTube making fun of them?  Can they just go the hell away now, because all of these disgusting knobs pretending to be super-excited over Chevy trucks aren't the least bit convincing.  They aren't even attractive or compelling in the slightest way.  They are just camera whores, and we know it- so why can't these ads just go away already?

Sunday, April 23, 2017's great big slap across the face of every teacher in the United States

"There's nothing more important to me than my vacation."

Oh yes, I can see that, Ms "Teacher."  I mean, it's clearly a lot more important than teaching, or even keeping the kids in your charge safe- you've got one kid duct-taped to a chair, and another in danger of drowning in an enormous fish tank.  While you stand there like a zombie on valium.

Please, get to that vacation to Mexico or wherever.  And when you get back, find another career.  The kids deserve a hell of a lot better than you.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Wow, this woman has totally given up. Which means she should call me.

I'd like to interrupt this woman's nervous proposal of shared nights with her dog to suggest that if that gigantic house is hers free and clear, and she's really this lonely, I know a blogger who would not mind meeting her in person.  She should reply to this address if she's at all interested.

I mean, I can definitely overlook the obvious insanity- again, if she owns that house free and clear.  We have a lot in common- we both like big houses, and coffee.  She can have all the Coffee Mate, as I take mine black.  I'll even take that dog for a walk now and then.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Nissan presents: How to pass the asshattery on to the next generation

I guess the "joke" here is that the little girl riding the Big Wheel is a "black sheep" because that Big Wheel is black and not pink like it's supposed to be because she's a little girl.

Meanwhile she doesn't need to share the sidewalk- others get out of her way to let her pass because hey, that black Big Wheel is so totally cool and awesome.  Just like her mom doesn't need to be at all concerned about anyone else on the road, because she's driving this hot car after all.  So she can cruise through the suburbs with her eye on her daughter instead of what is in front of those several tons of steel and glass she's driving.  Way too cool to care.  Hey, she'll know right away if HER kid is in danger, so it's all good, right?

It's also totally fine that the little girl bangs that Big Wheel into one of a dozen or so cans of black paint inexplicably left out in the middle of her driveway (seriously, what the hell?)  Because she's a black sheep and a rebel and oh man forget it this just isn't worth the effort.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Xfinity "challenges" us to ramp up our addiction to electronic stimulus

Because what these pasty, fat, electronics-addicted losers really want and need is More More More TV Everywhere All The Time.  Which is why they are outside yet gathered around huge flat screen tvs listening to some spokeschoad for Xfinity sell them on the idea that, well, More More More TV Everywhere All The Time would make their non-lives worth living.

Hey, here's an idea, you f--ing zombies:  You are outside.  Why not just take a walk?  Why not visit a museum or park, and while you're at it why don't you take your kids and grandkids with you and actually watch them play instead of just being in their vicinity while you stare at your g-d d--med phones?

Oh right, I forgot- its because you've bought in to the idea that no matter WHAT you are doing, it can be made better by adding television.  The world outside your house is scary, so you should spend as much time inside watching television.  When you DO have to venture out into the Big Scary World, bring your television with you so you can pretend to be in your safe home.

There is simply nothing out there that's as awesome as thousands of hours of television, live or recorded.  And now you can stream it into your brain no matter where you are, thanks to Xfinity.  Don't forget to drop them a tweet thanking them for feeding your insatiable addiction to Nothing.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

If you don't drive a car, the Terrorists Win. The General told me so.

"Woah, what's with the bike?  What are you, a reject from the 19th century or something?"

"Um, no, I just can't afford car insurance after my accident."

"Oh, whew!  For a minute there I thought that you were actually getting into saving tons of money, engaging in healthy exercise, and working to reduce your carbon footprint! If that had been the case, we could not be friends anymore because man would that be lame!"

"No, I don't want to ride a bicycle to work- its not a tree-hugging loser!  I just can't afford car insurance!"

"Well, I've got a solution for you- go to The General online and get cut-rate, virtually-no-coverage but totally legal car insurance.  Then you can dump that stupid bike thing in the trash where it belongs and get back to being normal and driving into work by yourself, spending thousands of dollars a year on gasoline, parking, and repairs."

"Thanks very much!  I'll never ride this ugly, non-polluting, non-motorized Not A Car ever, ever again!"

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Mommy just loves her Philly yogurt "breaks." And I just love these visits to 1959.

Enjoy the 4.3 minutes you have to yourself, lady- because then it's back to taking care of "your" baby while hubby does whatever the hell he was doing before he graciously offered to do "your" job for those 4.3 minutes.

Yes, relax happily while you consume that dish of yogurt and fruit- but only for 4.3 minutes.  Then its time to get off your butt and raise that kid all by yourself, at least until your next scheduled break.  And don't forget to lavish praise on that husband of yours, who after all isn't really required to do any of this- his "job" was completed when he got you pregnant after all.

Oh, who am I kidding with all of this snark?  Chances are that Mommy will be gushing to her friends for the next several days how Her Awesome Wonderful Man actually took car of "her" baby for almost five whole minutes while she took in nutrition, and she barely even had to ask!!