Tuesday, March 2, 2021

NFL Gear Presents: Poser Central (currently Tampa Bay)


Oh give me a freaking break.  I own Patriots and Red Sox gear (sweatshirts, jackets, caps,* that kind of thing) but when my team wins I don't strut around like I personally won something.  Because I didn't.  I watched my favorite team win something.   It didn't make me a winner, didn't get me a ring, and sure as hell didn't give me an excuse to deck myself out in I AM A FAN OF THIS CURRENT CHAMPION clothing so I could stand in the middle of the street with my chest puffed out and a look on my face which screams "yeah, I beat your sorry a**, loser punk. Who's your daddy now?"

These people especially need to just Stop Now.  You are "fans" of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  There's a very good chance that you didn't know your city had a freaking NFL franchise until about six weeks ago (I could be generous and suggest they became fans when they heard the Bucs got that Brady guy from New England, but why would I be generous?  When am I ever generous?)  Just admit that you're the kind of "fans" who jump on the bandwagon just before it reaches top speed- like Red Sox "fans" who magically remembered they were fans all at the same time in late October, 2004.  And then went out and bought pink, camo, purple, etc. baseball caps.  And embraced that marketing ploy called "Red Sox Nation."  You people make me sick.  But I digress.

If I didn't want to be sued, I'd suggest that someone knock these smug-for-zero-reason posers in their stupid faces.  But encouraging violence is against the law, in most cases.  Most cases.

*not a Patriots cap, just a Red Sox cap.  Football caps are stupid.

Sunday, February 28, 2021

This Cherry Pepsi Commercial gives me hope for America's future


Not the commercial itself, mind you.  It's just another brainless Wall of Noise which has any sensible human being lunging for the Mute button and wondering what on Earth is going on at Pepsi that they would think anyone would want to experience this garbage unironically.

No, my hope comes from the comment section (I've never written that before, that's for sure.)  Pretty much all the comments condemn Pepsi for subjecting we the audience to this horrible spectacle which is apparently attempting to be hip or cool or whatever the hell it is that young people are calling it these days.  And I'm guessing that most of the comments are from young people who see right through Pepsi's ridiculous (and probably racist) effort to appeal to the Younger Set with this nonsense. 

Thanks for stepping up, YouTube commenters.  Maybe you are coming around.  This Boomer thinks that there may be hope for you yet.  Now get out of your parents basements, turn off the Game Box, get a job to pay for college, get a career you'll hold on to for forty years and buy a house for a year's salary before you hit 25!*

*Add /s for snark, of course.

Saturday, February 27, 2021

PNC Bank "Backhand" commercial makes Negative Sense


What does learning a backhand have to do with managing your online banking? Oh right- nothing. Thanks anyway, PNC Bank.  Thanks for not trying.  At all. 

How about this- "if you can read a book in a room the size of a walk-in closet with two other people, one of whom is practicing his backhand wearing virtual reality goggles, you are probably capable of managing your online banking because those are totally similar skills?"  Did you consider going with that?  Because it makes as much sense as this.  At LEAST as much sense.

Also- I assumed when I saw three people in a ridiculously cramped space that this was going to be a commercial for Rocket Mortgage. Seriously, why are all these people in the same room- especially the jackass with the virtual reality goggles? No other place you could be using those, buddy? Like in traffic, for example?

CopperFit Facial Masks, back for a (final?) Shameless Pandemic Cash Grab


1.  Notice how aggressive all of these commercials for Magic Copper Stuff are?  They all have this really in-your-face element about them, usually along the lines of "America Is On It's Way Back" and "Buy this Or DIE."  This time, it's facial coverings which, yes, no kidding, are "part of the new normal" and "even required in certain environments" (like California, New York, Washington DC or any other place the libtard Commiecrats are stifling your freedom.)

2.  Copper infused throughout entire facial covering gives you "all day comfort" and "peace of mind in this uncertain world."  But are we going to be told why it's better than any other (non-overpriced) facial covering?  Oh wait- was that what all that "Copper Infusion Technology" stuff was for?

3.  These facial coverings protect you from the "harsh elements"- which means, the sun.  You know, like any other facial covering.  It wicks away sweat, while at the same time keeping you cool, which I'm not sure actually makes sense.  

4.  They are washable- again, like pretty much any cloth mask.  

5.  We get a quote- "the Comfort you want, the protection you need."  Who is being quoted here?  We aren't told.  The words are just there, in quotation marks.  I'd be perplexed if this were the first Copper Crap commercial I'd ever seen.  It's not, so this is just par for the course.

6.  We get a repeat of the whole Start Technology/Air permitting/sweat wicking thing all over again, and then are told that copper is antimicrobial  or something.  I'd really like to see the data concerning the power of copper to kill or screen out microbes, but I don't think I'm going to be provided a link before this ad is over.

7.  Except for one detail, the rest of the ad is just a third repeat of claims already made.  The exception is a "warning" that "demand is high and supplies are limited," which more honestly translates into "six months from now nobody will be wearing masks anymore so our window of opportunity to sell crap that will sit in a junk drawer for the next thirty years after this summer is closing fast."

Friday, February 26, 2021

IHOP throws down the gauntlet in the Burrito Wars


So when the International House of Pancakes hires you to promote it's deep dive into the already-saturated-with-grease-and-fat American Burrito market, and you have absolutely no idea how you are going to do that, but you really want that sweet sweet IHOP marketing budget money, this is what you come up with:  a black guy standing on the roof of an IHOP, yelling to everyone within hearing range that IHOP now sells burritos. 

In a way, this is kind of the anti-Taco Bell of burrito commercials, isn't it?  Taco Bell has gone full Movie Mode with it's ads, creating mini-dramas that developmentally stunted Americans (the kind of people who would actually eat Taco Bell "food" products) eat up with the same enthusiasm as the vacuum in that disgusting garbage sold under the Taco Bell label.  IHOP doesn't attempt to copy Taco Bell's tactics in selling ITS burritos.  Taco Bell can spend millions of dollars on something that obese gamers who are unaware that Uber Eats doesn't exclusively deliver Taco Bell see as High Art.  IHOP is going totally minimalist, sticking a guy on the roof of an IHOP and having him just yell "This Place Got Burritos too, I just found out and responded by climbing on to the roof!"

Good to know, by the way, that when it comes to expanding the American waistline while reducing the American life expectancy, IHOP is not willing to let Taco Bell carry so much of the load anymore.  Thing is, they were already doing their part in those endeavors before entering the Oily Ground Beef market.  I expect Taco Bell to retaliate by adding Cheesecake Pancakes topped with Kool-Whip any day now.  

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

This stupid wall of noise brought to you by Kit Kat


Or maybe "this headache brought to you by the Hershey Company?"

Or how about we go back to "give me a break?"  I mean, that was absolute Einstein-level genius compared to this garbage. 

Don't even bother to watch this more than once.  Don't try to analyze it.  Don't try to figure out how it's supposed to make you want to eat a Kit Kat, which is actually a pretty decent candy as far as bland chocolate goes.  There's nothing to this ad.  It's just dumb and loud.  Which I guess is all you really need in a 15-second commercial for chocolate. 

Sunday, February 21, 2021

Xofluza: Seriously, WTF??


So if you've got a fever and chills, are short of breath, and a headache....are you really going to think it's the flu?  I mean it is Spring, 2021 after all.  I wouldn't think I've got the flu.  I'd assume I have that disease the mention of which gets your YouTube channel demonetized.  You know, that disease that doesn't exist and is just a plot to make you wear a mask because the government wants you to wear a mask because Reasons.  The one that was totally made up by China to destroy Donald Trump.  Yeah, that one.

Anyway, if you are an optimist and think you have a nasty case of the Flu and not that Other Thing, you've got about fifteen minutes to contact your doctor, get a diagnosis through a Zoom call, and get a prescription for Xofluza (I can't believe that wasn't taken already) filled by your local pharmacy before your window of opportunity to use this drug that I guess must be taken inside the first two days of symptoms closes faster than you wish those people living with you would just close the damn door already so you don't freeze to death while you're stuck inside (you know, those people who are going to mock your pain by throwing a ball back in forth right in front of your window while you sit propped up in your bed wondering why they don't get into the car and go pick up your damn prescription already.)

Xofluza (why does that sound like a really dumb music festival?) comes with all those wonderfully awful side effects that you've grown to love over the years- headaches, diarrhea, shortness of breath (you know, the same symptoms as the flu) so you know it's working to make you ten percent healthier than you were before.  Unless you've got that other thing we aren't going to talk about.