Wednesday, January 16, 2019
If I were to suddenly die, all my problems would be instantly solved. What calls do I have to make, what papers do I have to sign, before I die? Oh, none? Then what do I have to worry about?
I'm not the one who is supposed to "be prepared." This commercial isn't about the person who has suddenly kicked off at all. It's about all those deadbeats and freeloaders who have been living off the body of the recently deseased and who now realize that the awesome ride is over and it's time to be Independent. Finally.
So anyone who depends on me for money, a place to live, internet connectivity, regular cellphone updates, vacations, rides to soccer practice G-D DAMN IT IT NEVER ENDS DOES IT ITS ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME needs to prepare for that moment WHICH WILL COME SOMEDAY I PROMISE YOU when I am no longer around TO BE BLED TO DEATH BY YOUR ENDLESS DEMANDS. All of YOU have to prepare for the day you can no longer be leeches sucking the very LIFE out that PERSON YOU KNOW WHO WORKS FOR A LIVING AND PROVIDES ALL THIS FOR YOU. That means getting a job and saving your money and preparing for the day when YOU GET TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.
In short, this commercial has nothing to do with me at all. It's not a warning for me. It's a warning for you. Because whatever problems pop up because I died and didn't leave you enough money to continue your dream life without labor, they are going to be your problems, not mine. I'll be enjoying the sweet, sweet embrace of warm, lovely death. Away from you, you grasping, life-sucking money vampires.
Love ya bunches!
Monday, January 14, 2019
The only thing more cringe-worthy than this monstrously stupid ad is the series of comments that follow it on YouTube. Seriously, they basically come down to this:
Several people simply quote the lyrics. And others give those people thumbs-up for their "comments."
One person says that the song "sounds a lot like 'it's magic' by Selena Gomez." I wish I was kidding. I'm not.
Almost nobody actually points out that this comercial is mind-numbingly stupid and makes you want to fly to Los Angeles, track down the producers, and punch them in the face as hard as humanly possible. And then track down all the stupid people who agreed to be in this ad and punch them even harder. And then track down the surviving members of Pilot, hold a gun to their heads, and make them swear that they simply lost the copyright to their only hit and had no say in it's use in this horrible lump of a dangerous medication commercial.*
*I've seen this nasty stain on the soul of television at least a dozen times, and I still can't remember what Disease Not As Bad As The Symptoms Ozempic is supposed to treat. The screen tells me that Ozempic is a Semaglutide Injection, which sounds something I'd rather avoid in any case.
Sunday, January 13, 2019
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| from John F. Jamele on January 11, 2019|
Beautiful and came very fast
I was surprised when this showed up two days after I ordered it; very impressive service. The belt itself is very attractive and sized exactly as ordered. Definitely recommend.
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Saturday, January 12, 2019
Or at least the laziest. Maybe I should have said "laziest." Because there's no way it could possibly get lazier than this.
"They could win with a field goal....they're going to try to ice the kicker..." you know what, I'm not going to even get into the dumb color commentary. Pepsi does more than enough to show it's utter contempt for its audience without getting into that.
Instead, I'll note that every single person in this 60,000 seat stadium not only has a can of Pepsi (not beer, meaning that this is the only NFL game in history to be attended exclusively by 14-year olds) but a big plastic cup filled with ice to pour it into. Where the hell did those come from? Who drinks soda poured from cans into plastic cups filled with ice at a football game? What kind of stupid bizarro world is this?
Oh wait, I almost forgot- it's a Pepsi Commercial.
Anyway, all these people with cups now filled with ice and Pepsi ("Ice" the kicker- get it? GET IT? THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LAUGH, STUPID PEOPLE!) take a sip at the same time and let out an "ahhhh" as if there's something refreshing about Pepsi- or as if they haven't had a thing to drink in the previous three hours and are relieved to have SOMETHING, ANYTHING to quench their thirst, even if it's Pepsi. Somehow this wave of stupid distracts the kicker or creates a sound wave or something which causes the field goal attempt to fail, cue applause, cue end of very, very stupid ad.
Congratulations, Pepsi. We are all a little bit dumber from watching this stupid, obvious nub of insult posing as a commercial. Well done. Nothing released over the next 11 and a half months is going to come close to this when it comes to vacant, vapid asshattery. Mazel Tov on your release of a virtual black hole of an ad, brilliantly devoid of even the slightest hint of entertainment value. I'm in awe.
When we are introduced to the character of Ernie Capadino (played by Jon Lovitz) in the film A League of Their Own, he's sitting next to a salesman on a train. The salesman is gushing with incredible enthusiasm about how he's traveling around the country pitching some product or another and how he's about to be promoted director of his company's western sales branch or something. Capadino responds by laughing and telling the salesman "if I had your job, I'd kill myself."
I know it will sound mean, but that's exactly how I feel whenever I watch one of these ridiculous commercials for a company called 4Imprint. I mean, try to imagine working for this company. Your job is to pitch a service that slaps some other company's logo on everything from coffee travel mugs to ball point pens which can then be handed out as free crap at trade shows. You have to know that none of this garbage is going to convince anyone to use any service, but will instead be used to replace the fading, dented, or lost (probably left on a train or at school or wherever because it has zero value to its owner) junk picked up at the LAST trade show. 4imprint doesn't even make the garbage. It just stencils a name on garbage. Wow, I'm sure that's what the stupid chirpy woman in this ad dreamed of doing when she was growing up.
I'll be heading off to Louisville to grade for Educational Testing Service for the 11th straight year in June. When I get there, I'll be handed a "welcome bag" which will probably include a travel mug, umbrella and almost unbelievably cheap carrying case all emblazoned with the logo for AP and The College Board. The umbrella will be broken before summer is out. The travel mug will still be around (if I haven't misplaced it) but the logo will be rubbed off by the end of the year. I probably won't even bring the carrying case back with me because- well, there's only so much room in that suitcase. But I sure hope that nobody actually took pride in making sure that stupid logo was slapped on that stupid junk Just Right to Impress Me, because that would be really, really sad.
Friday, January 11, 2019
Eventually, this kid will get hungry and discover that mommy and daddy abandoned her to her children and her bestest electronic friend to go spend the holidays in Aruba.
Seriously, what the hell is going on here? Someone just handed this kid a very expensive electronic device with access to cable, Netflix etc. and said "have fun with your dolls, kid, but be sure to just stay in this room?" Little Daughter looks like the most socially isolated, lonely little twit in the universe, with her sole comfort an iPad with excellent connectivity. At least she's been trained not to access "inappropriate" material on her filter-free Stimulus Machine.
Ok, maybe Mommy and Daddy didn't actually abandon this kid- maybe it's January 1 and they are just passed out in the other room, and Daughter knows better than to disturb them until at least noon. Still, this is a pretty disturbing commercial.
Thursday, January 10, 2019
The guy in this ad is dreaming of the "perfect life" which could be protected by State Farm Insurance- he imagines his wife making lawn sculptures, his son (or somebody, I don't know- that part where he nods at dad creeps me out too much for some reason) about to dive into a swimming pool, etc in the back yard of a big suburban mansion which includes a big yard to water....
And then the daydream is interrupted, to reveal...that the guy actually does have a swimming pool in the back yard of a big suburban mansion with a big yard to water. The only difference is that his family are real people doing real stupid hick things around that big swimming pool, and not the perfect people he was daydreaming they were.
Since State Farm isnt' going to turn his stupid hick family into a Trophy Wife and Trophy Children, it's kind of hard to see what the point is here. State Farm can help protect this dumb, ugly family from disaster so they can keep being dumb and ugly and the bane of the neighborhood? So when dad kills himself with the toaster and makes it look like an accident, the rest of these jackasses can live off his insurance policy? If that's the case, well....ok, go protect that and be my guess. If that's not the case, well....the offer is still open. Someone, please, explain this one to me.