Saturday, January 23, 2021 another ridiculous Auto-Refill Offer you'd be far better off Refusing


Someday, someone will have to explain to me how auto-refill for things easily obtained at any local drug or grocery store became so popular.  Are people really so busy that keeping up with the purchase of toothbrushes, toothpaste, razor blades etc. is a major hassle?  Or do ads like this just con people into believing that something they THOUGHT was easy actually IS a major hassle that they've always suffered in silence but now don't have to Because Check Out This Super-Convenient (and absolutely, once you read between the lines, Super Expensive) auto-ship option??

I have coffee, cat food (small bags, not those obnoxious, delivery-man-back-breaking 50lb-ers from Chewy) and cat treats sent to my mother in rural Vermont every month because there are times when it's hard for her to get out, especially this time of year (it's snowing like crazy as I type this.)  I don't have anything auto-shipped to me, because I walk past grocery stores pretty much every single day.  I seriously never realized that I was draining my life away buying razors, blades, toothbrushes, toothpaste etc. but according to this ad the chance to get floss auto-shipped on a regular basis would be a real lifesaver.  Three things are far more likely for anyone who signs up with Quilp, Harry's razors, or any other Give Us Your Credit Card Number and We'll Take Care of the Rest auto-ship companies:

1.  You find yourself stockpiling the junk as soon as it arrives, because you haven't even started using the stuff that came LAST time yet, and/or

2.  You find yourself eventually noticing that "convenience" nowhere near makes up for the ridiculous shipping charges, and/or

3.  You spend more time negotiating the Cancel Auto-Ship labyrinth than you ever did just walking into your local CVS and picking up what you needed on your way home from work.   

The first step to avoiding this nonsense is getting over the idea that you are so busy and your life is sooo full with work and other responsibilities that there's no way you'll ever manage to get yourself to a drug store like the Less Important People with leisure time do.  Maybe take a moment of reflection in between episodes of whatever your currently binge-watching on Netflix to notice you aren't QUITE as overwhelmed with Other Things as you thought you were and maybe it really IS possible for you to get your sorry, lazy self to the freaking store and buy toothpaste once a month or so??

Friday, January 22, 2021

Geico has fun with Racist Tropes. Whoomp, there it is again.


Somebody much smarter than I am will have to explain to me how this kind of Jim Crow/Stepin Fetchit Minstrel show caricature is at all helpful to anyone, including anyone interested in purchasing insurance. 

I mean, I can easily imagine rednecks thoroughly enjoying commercials like this, nodding appreciatively at the "accurate" depiction of black people as grinning, dancing idiots who jump at every opportunity to perform for the overwhelmingly white audience.  So I guess I kind of answered my own question- it's helpful in reinforcing stereotypes?  

I guess it's also helpful to Tag Team, which picks up what I'm sure is a welcome paycheck and a reminder that they existed on the radio (and everywhere else) with that One Song Using the term Song Very Very Loosely back in 1993.  Hey, thirty years is a long time to go without a number anyone cares to listen to, let alone one that inexplicably became a hit because headaches were really popular in the first year of the Clinton Administration. 

But if I'm a black person in the United States, I find this all to be very, very UNhelpful in multiple ways. Do I have to keep explaining why?

Thursday, January 21, 2021

Yeah, Hartford Group: This is definitely the guy I'm taking investment advice from.


1.  "Did you know that the government has printed six trillion dollars in paper money?  That's an excellent reason to take some of YOUR paper money and use it to buy physical gold and silver, which in hard times you can trade in for some of that paper money you originally used to buy gold and silver, because at no point in the future will vendors ever refuse to take paper money in exchange for goods, but it's kind of hard to imagine a time when you'll get to dictate how many gold ingots you'll be parting with in exchange for a gallon of gasoline and a loaf of bread."

2.  "It's super-important that you have precious metals as part of your portfolio, because unlike other investments, they provide no actual benefit to companies which hire employees,  purchase technology, or, come to think of it, do anything to make the world a better place.  It's basically as socially beneficial as burying your money in a coffee can.  Remarkably similar growth potential, too!"

3.  "Gold and Silver are wonderfully difficult to trace methods of paying off those pesky sexual harassment lawsuits, mistresses, and other annoyances you can't conveniently eliminate through the use of hired assassins once your cushy FOX gig is threatened.  What?  This isn't a common problem?  FINE!  F--K IT THEN!  WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!"

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Another "People better than you use Macs" commercial


Warms the heart, it does.

Seriously, I don't know why the narrator doesn't just say "here's a bunch of artsy still shots of people you know- and who have money coming out of their ears- and the Apple Laptops they can afford because they have money coming out of their ears.  And oh, we're also going to include a smiling, gap-toothed kid and maybe a muppet or two- you know, to make this even remotely relatable to 99 percent of the viewing audience."

All presented in glorious black and white, of course- because these have to be super-artsy and when you have absolutely zero ideas, black and white photos is how you present yourself as super-artsy. 

I AM pretty sure I know why comments are turned off for this particular video.  I don't think my take on these "rich people are better than you because they use these toys that you can't afford, losers" commercials is particularly unique.  Not that Apple gives a damn what us non-geniuses with out One Size Fits All Inferior Dell setups think.  We are NOT the audience for the insufferable entitlement being celebrated in these steaming piles of self-congratulation posing as what I THINK are MacBook Pro ads. 

Sunday, January 17, 2021

The New York Lottery, Multiplying the Dumb


"What are you doing, honey?"

"I'm on the verge of inventing a machine that can multiply any piece of matter.  Think of the problems it could solve- world hunger, poverty..."

"Why don't you just play this stupid scratch-off game I wasted our hard-earned money on instead of working on that potentially world-altering invention?"

"Thanks for reminding me that I married down." 

Saturday, January 16, 2021

Timeshare Exit Team: Stupid non-solution for stupid people.


This is all supposed to be very cute; Old woman sees the mailman coming.  Old woman somehow knows that the mailman is bringing a bill for her timeshare maintenance fees.  Mailman is absolutely determined to deliver the timeshare maintenance fee bill like it's a court summons.  Old woman is so desperate to avoid these fees, she pulls up her mailbox and runs away with it.  Mailman who understands that this is not how anything works just drops the bill into the hole left behind.  

There's an actual solution to the old woman's problem, but this isn't it.  The real punchline is not "hire the Timeshare Exit Team" either, unless you want two bills related to the Dumbest Purchase You Ever Made instead of one.

There's a radio ad for this company on Sirius XM which is even funnier- we hear the recipient of the bill sigh, tear up the bill, and announce "I'm out."  What makes it hysterical is that the exasperated radio guy's solution to his problem is no more realistic than this woman's.  You can't avoid your timeshare maintenance fees by just tearing up the bill any more than you can by moving your mailbox.  And judging from the comments I've read on, you really can't avoid them by contacting the "Timeshare Exit Team," either.  

"I'm out."  Oh really?  That easy, huh?  Sorry, buddy.  You're still in.  Because you signed a contract.  

Here are some actual solutions to your timeshare problem, which if they sound familiar are very similar to the solutions to your credit card debt problem:

1.  Pay someone to "buy" what you thought was a "great opportunity" during a moment of extreme Stupidity which is totally incomprehensible to me.  

2.  Add your timeshare to the hundreds already being offered on Ebay for free.  Who knows, you might get lucky and get found by someone as stupid as you are.

I'll just close with this:  It's 2021.  The internet is a Thing.  It's in its fourth decade of general usefulness, available to provide instant access to answers to questions like "are time shares worth it?" or "do only morons buy timeshares?"  If you've purchased a timeshare at any time in the 21st century, it's really, really hard for me to have any sympathy for you.  It's really right up there with buying miracle water from Peter Popoff.  There's not much of a solution to the problem of people who simply won't do even the tiniest amount of research before signing a contract. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Verizon's family of unique cell phone addicts


Isn't it just adorable how this family of cell phone addicts think that they are each "unique" because as individuals they are wasting their lives on their phones in different ways?  I mean, they are "different in unique ways," or "unique in different ways," or whatever that first moron says.  I'm not watching this again. 

For one, her phone is "her office."  Um, that's nice- but you know, only a generation ago an office was a place you worked in for forty or so hours a week, and then left to...well, to live the other parts of your life.  Now you're waving your "office" around in your hand and basically bragging that you are never, ever out of work.  Excuse me for not being impressed or seeing this as something to celebrate, let alone emulate. 

Another one is "the gamer."  Uh huh.  If that "gamer" takes his "gaming" as seriously as that other woman takes her office work,  I wouldn't feel great about giving him a phone to "game" on.  At least she's earning money with her nonstop work.  What the hell is all that "gaming" accomplishing other than stealing time away from reading, social interactions with friends, etc.?

"Only pay for what you need."  Huh.  Sounds like they all need everything, though.  So they are going to be paying for....everything.  And what exactly does that word "need" mean these days?  

And Daddy says the plan is so reasonable, "they can stay on it for the rest of their lives."  First, that's kind of creepy- Dad clearly expects to outlive these kids, otherwise wouldn't he say "for the rest of MY life?"  Second, maybe the cost of the plan is reasonable- but is the PLAN reasonable?  Is this endless love affair with a freaking phone reasonable?  Is this "I am never off my phone" attitude reasonable?  I mean, what the actual hell, Verizon?