Napoleon Grills salutes the Upgrade

When I saw this guy standing next to his $100,000 car parked next to his $2 million dollar house, I thought that when he said he was ready for an upgrade it meant it was time to ditch the spouse and move on to the trophy wife.

Then it got weird- he walked past his Olympic-sized backyard swimming pool and his Clearly Not Trophy Wife before congratulating himself on his purchase of a Napoleon Grill.  Not Trophy Wife gives the guy who provided the massive house and swimming pool a condescending eyeroll before bonding with equally ungrateful daughter.  They seem to be congratulating eachother for being clever, or something, when all they've actually done is provide some level of justification when Daddy completes the whole upgrade thing and replaces his wife with someone roughly his daughter's age- you know, someone who will look much better in a bathing suit next to that awesome pool.

Hilarious As Seen on TV Arctic Air Commercial

Oh my god these ads are sooooo very cheesy, I have to believe that the same company makes every late night commercial out there.  It just doesn't matter if they are for Eagle Eyes Sunglasses, Magic Tomato or Upside Down Banana trees or plastic moving parrots complete with cage for some reason- it's got to be the same company with a trademark on this level of in-your-face oversell.

This one is for something called the "Arctic Air Conditioner," which claims to both cool and "purify" the air which is suffocating the people populating the advertisement.  Look, you could turn on the AC but that will put you in the poorhouse.  You could turn on that massive fan but that's just going to blow hot air at you, don't do that.  You could just lie around the house with a wet towel on your head.  Or maybe you could stop dressing like it's fifty degrees in your home, that's not suggested but the thought did pop into my brain while watching this.

Or, you could buy a "portable" (capable of being unplugged and moved into another room means "portable" for the purposes of this advertisement) air conditioner which is basically just a fan in a box which blows the air through the water you fill it with.  Oh wait that's not quite true, it's also a nightlight with five "mood color lights" which I have to admit is kind of cool, but still doesn't justify the $40 price tag, and I don't care if I CAN get another one Just Pay Extra.  It's a fan in a box and that's all it is.  $10 tops at the Dollar Store.  $40?  Sorry, no- and still no even when you try to con me into thinking it's cheaper by cutting the cost into "two easy payments" and giving me another one for a "little extra."

And what's with the special effects that make it look like the fan in a box is "radiating" temperature-reducing cooling rays?  They look exactly like the effects used to demonstrate the efficiency of Magic Ears hearing aids and plug-in vermin repellents.  It's a FREAKING FAN in a FREAKING BOX which blows the air through water.  Why do they make it look like it's sending a distress call to Aquaman?

I do love these ads, though.  Whichever company is making them- please, keep it up.  I can't get enough of these Frustrated By Life's Little Annoyances people and their delight at the relief they get from your weird junk.  They sure make maintaining this blog easier.

Another FUNNY Dunkin Donuts Commercial that's FUNNY BECAUSE LOOK

Hey everybody, I'm a bit too busy to do a post today so I asked Frito Pendejo from the film Idiocracy to do a guest appearance on the blog and write today's commentary.  Take it away, Frito!

"This Dunkin Donuts Commercial, like ALL Dunkin Donuts Commercial, is wicked funny even hilarious but for totally different reasons than the others are, that just shows how smart the Dunkin Donuts Commercials people are!

This one is fun for LOL so many reasons!  First, because there's this really really old guy sitting on a bench who is so OLD LOL that it takes a half an hour for him to get his food to his face ROTFLMAO I bet he hasn't had anything hot to eat in maybe like thirty years!  Plus check out that look in his face OMIGOD CLASSIC it's so obvious that he's got dementia or some other really really FUNNY old person disease, he probably doesn't even know what planet he's on MY RIBS ARE TOTALLY SPLITTING NOW.  And don't even get me started on how long he's been sitting there I mean once these guys sit down you can bet they never get up without some kind of weird chair assist thing OLD PEOPLE AND THEIR MOBILITY ISSUES OMIGOD THERE OUGHT TO BE A SHOW ABOUT THEM I WOULD SO WATCH!  I bet he lost control of his bowels hours ago LOL!!

And as if that's not enough hilarity for one VERY VERY FUNNY Dunkin Donuts Commercial, a disease-ridden rat with wings swoops down and steals the guy's food I ALMOST DIED.  I guess it might be a little sad if that meant the old guy is not going to have anything to eat now, but don't worry the young woman sitting next to him replaced the sandwich with another one 'cause you see the point is that it's buy one get one free or two for $2 or something I don't know didn't really pay attention 'cause too busy focusing on the REALLY FUNNY OLD MAN AND HIS PROBLEMS!!

Thanks Dunkin Donuts for another SUPER-FUNNY Ad I just HAD to share with everybody!  Made my weekend (how f--ig sad is THAT?)  Now I'm gonna go get myself some Dunkin Coffee 'cause this ad so put me in the mood for it and a sandwich too, well done!"

Honey's vision of the Good Life is really weird

During the 9th hour of this friendless, disgusting loser's marathon binge-watching of Game of Thrones, her stomach suddenly reminded her that she had not budged from the couch except to use the toilet (because couch-toilets won't be widely available until sometime next year) and that she really should consume some calories before the rest of her body goes the way of her brain somewhere around Hour 4.

The kitchen is in the next room, but that's All The Way Over There and besides she hasn't been outside to see if Peapod made her grocery delivery and the porch is Even Farther Away, so she reaches for the laptop and starts looking for a good deal on a pizza.  Turns out that she's not just lacking in a life or friends or any interest in getting her pathetic ass off that couch- she's also kind of short on money, because instead of just going to LocalPizza.com she has to hunt around for a coupon first. 

Meanwhile, she's getting REALLY hungry.  I mean, just listen to her stomach.  I mean that.  Listen to it.  I had to, so you do too.

In the end, this twat somehow managed to get to the front door when the pizza showed up- I'm sure she was totally put out that the delivery guy didn't just bring it into the living room and shove the first piece into her mouth, but maybe she made an arrangement with him so he will next time.  And the commercial ends with us getting to see her pig face smeared with tomato sauce as the population of Idiocracy has a big belly laugh over all of this because OMIGOD That Is So Me Sometimes.

After she's consumed a few slices, it's back to bleaching her brain for another hour or so, or until the carb and sugar infusion puts her into a semi-comatose state, right there on the couch.  Tomorrow she wakes up in dirty, stained clothes, stuck to the cushions by her own perspiration, next to a box of cold, stale, half-eaten pizza swimming in it's own bacteria.  Yep, she's living the dream, all right.  Thanks, Honey!

I am not a good person, which is why I'm going to keep picking on this Verizon Fios thing

Hey look everybody, it's the squishy blob of protoplasm currently employed as a spokesomething by Verizon Fios!  Seriously, though, I don't like being mean- but what the hell is WITH this kid?

It's bad enough that he sounds like he's sucking on marbles and he looks like leftover genetic material from a Science Fair experiment gone horribly wrong, but what makes it truly horrible is his endless pimping for a crappy internet service devoted to keeping us glued to our electronic devices 24/7.

So I have only two questions for this thing-

1.  Have you ever made a friend other than online, or do your fellow gamers labor under the false impression that they are playing against a fellow human being?

2.  Do you get your raw fish treat as soon as the shoot is over, or do you have to flap your flippers and bark some squeaky code first?

More fun from the Verizon Fios Gnome

Seriously, this creepy kid is devoting his entire life to judging other people's online entertainment equipment?  WTF is that all about? How much is Verizon Fios paying him to be the most annoying, nosy little brat in the neighborhood?

He's so freaking obnoxious in his whoring for Fios that I'm not even going to get triggered over the little girl's "it better" response to the question about a woman's new setup's ability to provide endless electronic entertainment to all the kids on the block.  Personally, I'd rather NOT own the house that is a kid magnet because it's the Place to Be when you want to turn your brains into puddles of warm pudding watching television or "surfing"* the internet.  "It better?" Hey kid, you're threatening to pull a little hissy fit if your connection isn't up to your standards?  I suggest you re-evaluate your position in this family.  See, you're a child.  You don't pay the bills and you don't make the decisions.  Want to waste your life watching tv?  You can start doing that the moment you move out.

We desperately need an SNL parody of these ads which include the neighbors just telling this nasty little jerk to just f--k off and report back to the science lab he escaped from.  Yes, I went there.  No, I'm not going apologize.  This kid is WEIRD.

*Actual surfing is exercise.  Looking for stuff to watch on tv is not.  So, it's not surfing. 

This Edward Jones Investment Woman sure knows how to reel in the next generation

So this thirtysomething guy walks into an Edward Jones Brokerage office to meet with the woman who has been handling his parents' money for years.  The parents have been talking to her for years about their son, no doubt mentioning on more than one ocassion that he has a decent job and a wife and family but has shown very little interest in planning for the future.

Finally, the son has been guilted into visiting with Mommy and Daddy's investment fund manager.  The very first thing she does is let him know that she's got at least some of the backstory.  The very first thing HE does is let her know that he's basically still just a little boy whose parents have been nagging him to do at least a LITTLE thinking about tomorrow and how maybe buying a house and establishing a college fund for his son just MIGHT be something he should be looking into.

Edward Jones lady lets the son know that she's really not all that interested in what Mommy and Daddy think (I really doubt that's what she told them when she was urging them to get their son to give her a call.)  Never mind that house and college stuff, what does Son want for the future?

For the sake of this guy's wife and son, I kind of hope that he ultimately puts aside his pride and admits that yeah, actually, his parents are spot on with their ideas of what he should be doing now that he has a wife and a kid.  Especially that whole college fund thing.  But what if he doesn't, and the next thing out of his mouth is "that's so cool, because what I REALLY want is to take a couple of years off to find myself in Tibet and then get a kick-ass dirt bike for the weekends.  I figure my kid will get a scholarship?"  How does Edward Jones I'm Really Interested In What You Want Never Mind Your Parents lady say to that?

I don't think it would have been SO bad for this woman to reply to his opening statement with "yes, a college fund is really important, even if you had to be told that by your parents."  Because it kind of is regardless of who said it first, right?