Sunday, June 29, 2014

Budweiser loves our vets like a rat loves a bag of popcorn

1.  Why does this one soldier get the red carpet treatment from Budweiser?  Could it be because he's got an appropriately pretty girlfriend/wife?  Why do I doubt he would have been honored like this if he had been single and without silver-haired parents, with only a nondescript brother or cousin to meet him at the airport?

Could it be because he hails from an appropriately Norman Rockwell-ish Real American Home Town with hay fields and pollen flying about and dirt roads and fences and a small population where Everyone Knows Everyone ElseTM and Attends The Same ChurchTM?

Could it be because he's coming home without any noticeable scars, no missing limbs, and with a big contented "hey I was just doing my job and now I'm back and I'm exactly the same guy I was BEFORE I spent a great deal of time in a war zone seeing things that no normal human being can see without being deeply impacted by the experience?

Could it be because he's white?

Could it be because he's white?

Could it be because he's WHITE?

Unless Budweiser plans to do this for EVERY veteran, this cloying bullshit isn't patriotic or even generous.  It's just manipulative and gross.

2.  I've never known a soldier who would even WANT a reaction like this.  Every soldier I've ever known would be mortified by the attention, not to mention really, really pissed off at being blatantly exploited by a fucking beer company.

3.  Once Budweiser is done using this vet and his home town, are they going to hang around to help him get a job and become acclimated with civilian life?  Or will summer (Beer Season) be over along with their interest in this guy?  Gee, why do I find that not a difficult question to answer?

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Samsung's latest is brilliant in it's pointless stupidity

Check out the flashing lights!  Check out the disconnected images!

Check out how easy it is to dump your old phone company and your old phone!  Just trade in that old clunker and sign with us, and we'll pay your early termination fees no problem, and you'll have a brand new phone you'll be buying from our company!

At no point in this ad will we make even the slightest effort to convince you of a good reason to do any of this!  But then again, we haven't really felt the need to "sell" our phones to our drooling gimme gimme gimme audience for years!  Just sign up with us and get a new Samsung phone and dump your old contract just 'cause we make it easy come on do it right now!

Is the Samsung better than the phone you have?  Who cares shut up just let us pay off your fees and sign up! Is the contract you are being hustled into signing better than your old one?  What part of "who cares shut up" did you not understand?

Still wondering if this is the right thing to do?  What is your deal?  Can't you see the flashing lights and disconnected images?  Look how much fun these young people are happening!  Don't you want some of this?  Then what are you waiting for???

When the Trailer Screams "Don't Say We Didn't Warn You"

How do we know this movie is just an awful, awful waste of time and money when we could have been watching paint dry or picking lint out of the clothes dryer or buying lottery tickets?

This is the clip the filmmakers used to try to draw us in.

Anyone who goes to see this movie and walks out thinking "that was a terrible waste of time and I want a refund" should keep their mouths shut.  I mean, come on- a Too Old For This So Yesterday Cameron Diaz and a guy yelling "Scooooooooooooooooooooooooore?"  You have no excuse, sorry.  Call it Stupid Tax.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Here's a better question- why are you working on your laptop at McDonalds when there's a Starbucks next door?

Notice how people in McDonald's commercials act even dumber and other-worldly than people in non-McDonald's commercials?

To the black woman who was paid to look "deep in thought" at the question "why is McDonald's trying to convince us that watered-down fountain soda tastes better than canned soda?"*-- I don't think you got paid enough, considering your dignity is gone forever.

To the woman who first wasted everyone's time and decided that her family and friends knowing what a pathetic, lifeless loser she was wasn't enough and the entire planet needed to experience the vapid nothing that is her life by posting a picture of herself kissing a cup of soda and asking her stupid question- ugh, you are a disgusting waste of skin twat.  But hey, you went "viral."  If only that meant you were going to die of some horrible disease now.

*Yeah, I know that's not the question.  But seriously- if anyone thinks Coca-Cola "tastes better" at McDonalds, it's because they associate it with french fries.  Or they've never had soda out of a can.  Because soda doesn't "taste better" at McDonalds- the flavor is dulled and you can taste the cardboard of the cup.  It's just cheap.

To the Dad in this commercial

1.  One son is still a pale stupid fat doofus who is way, way too old to be "losing his shoes" on the plane.  Seriously- the next time your mom suggests that you take care of that paint chip issue before your wife gives birth, listen to her.

2.  Another son  "didn't get to the air sickness bag on time?"  That means he made the flight a real joy for your fellow passengers, too.  For them I say "thanks, asshole.  Next time, invest three bucks in a bottle of Dramamine, even if that WOULD constitute thinking about other people for once."

3.  Your daughter is still a vapid, sneering, ungrateful twerp who isn't going to suddenly be glad to be on a family trip because the hotel room is nice.  In three minutes she'll find out if the WiFi is working .  If it's not, it won't matter how nice the view is or how many couches there are, she's going to make the rest of the week a living hell.

4.  Your wife is looking at you like "wow, you finally did something right.  Only took 16 years, asshole."

5.  You are an ugly doofus who should never have been permitted to pass his genes on to the next generation.  I need to talk to your kids because at some point, this damage should be called to a halt.

6.  In the end, your awful ugly family is now just an awful ugly family in a nice hotel room.  Everyone else just hopes you all like the room so much that you just stay there until it's time to catch a cab to the airport.  Glue your son's shoes to his feet and an air sickness bag to his chin.  If you are visiting Aruba, see if anyone in the hotel bar is interested in taking Daughter off your hands.  Because even I'm not mean enough to want you to go right back to the way things were when the vacation is over.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Yeah, Right, Apple. This is what becomes of your technology. Sure it is.

Look, if people really use this stupid toy to encourage them to stop being disgusting, lazy couch potatoes and actually get off their overfed asses and do things, great.  More power to them.  I don't need to have every bit of exercise I partake in to be monitored and graphed and compared and listed and stored but if that's what it takes, fine.  (Full disclosure- I DO wear a Garmin and I DO keep track of my day hikes, and it DOES encourage me to push on a little longer, walk a little faster, etc.  So I totally get it.)

But don't tell me that more than one-tenth of one percent of people who own these things actually use them in this way.  Don't tell me that when 99.9 percent of your other commercials show people slouched in chairs watching, texting and gabbing away while burning fewer calories than most coma patients.  Don't EVEN try.  Because I KNOW iPhone users, and NONE of them are using their phones to do anything more strenouos than finding the nearest McDonalds.  Sorry.

Oh, and "Chicken Fat?"  Really?  Hey Apple, want to make a contribution toward winning the war against obesity?  Stop making it possible to run our lives by scrolling a finger along a screen.  That would be a good start.  Not this BS.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

We Offer You This Opportunity To Work For Us For Free

Thank you for your stay at the Galt House Hotel
On behalf of the Galt House Hotel I would like to thank you for choosing to stay with us. It was our pleasure to have you as our honored Guest, and we look forward to your next visit.

Please take a few moments to go to the Internet link listed below. This will take you to a short survey about your stay. We realize your time is valuable but it is through feedback and input from our Guests that we are able to meet, and exceed, your expectations. The information we receive from you will be reviewed by the management staff of our resort to ensure that we are consistently offering the highest levels of service, in functional and relaxing surroundings.
Please click here  To take the survey. If you cannot click on the link, you may copy and paste the address below into your Internet browser:

Once after a long trip on Amtrak (is there any other kind?) I was handed a four-page survey to complete which asked me to rate my "experience" in about 230 different categories.  Seriously, Amtrak didn't figure it was enough that I purchased a ticket and was provided a service in exchange.  They felt entitled to another hour of my time when it was over to give them what amounted to an inspection.

Now, the form from this particular hotel isn't quite as obnoxious- it would have taken me much less time to just fill it out and click it back to them than it took to write this post- but the philosophy still bugs me.  Why do passenger train services, airlines, restaurants, hotels etc. feel so entitled to our time that they are forever throwing surveys like this at us?  If I had a specific problem, I would have complained about it without being prompted.  I don't need or welcome "invitations" to have the "opportunity" to scroll down a checklist of items to let the provider of a service I've already paid for know how well they did in providing it.

What I find especially irritating about these surveys is that they offer no incentive in return for our time.  How about a coupon for a free drink the next time we take that plane or stay at that hotel?  A few years back, I complained to The Galt House about their policy of charging guests to use the gym (yes, they actually do this- $10 a week.)  I got back a very polite email thanking me for my input but no explanation for the policy, which is still in place.  Know what would have been nicer?   A free week of gym use the next time I stayed.  Anything to illustrate that they ACTUALLY "realize that our time is valuable."

 Why should my time be provided for free to a company that charged ME for the service?  Does anyone who did not have a specific problem fill these things out?  If so, why?

(BTW, this really is a beautiful hotel, though I don't think Lauren sells it very well here. I'd recommend it to anyone staying in Louisville.  I just hate the whole survey thing.)

Someone kick this dirtbag in the head and bury him in his own BMW

1.  Hey, let's flip the script, shall we?  I'm guessing that Miss America isn't going to see your unshaven slob self on the street some day and think "oh man, I let that guy slip right through my fingers!"  How F---ng arrogant can you get- this guy clearly figures that if he had just held on to Miss Braces and Freckles in High School she would have stayed  with him as she blossomed into a gorgeous beauty- and he remained an unshaven slob troll.   Hey, guess what, buddy?  She would have figured out she could do a lot better, and your ass would have been handed a one-way ticket to Dumpsville (Population: You.)

2.  Yeah, because missing out on an investment opportunity* is EXACTLY the same as not buying this year's overpriced disgusting conspicuous consumption BMW (like they are going to sell out?  Like there's not going to be another overpriced disgusting conspicuous consumption LookAtMeMobile BMW released next year?  Like these things are an "investment" that DON'T depreciate the moment you drive them off the lot?  Please.)

F-- everyone involved in this crap.  You people make me sick.

*Let's not fail to note that missing out on the great investment doesn't forestall his purchase of a brand new BMW.  Hand me a fucking hankie, I'm so broken up over your lost opportunity, dickwad.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Discover yet another pointlessly stupid ad, inspiring a few random thoughts....

... If one twin knows the other works for Discover Card, why didn't she just ask her about this whole free credit score thing?

...Ok, maybe they were seperated at birth.  One lives in a palatial suburban estate where she relaxes in an immaculately clean room cared for by her Nicaraguan cleaning crew and checks out her credit card balance on her HD Tablet.  The other one works a phone bank in Pakistan.  Luck of the draw, I guess.

...."Awesome Sauce?"  What the hell is that?  More proof that life is really unfair, I guess.  "Awesome Sauce" has no business being in that nice house.  Stick her in the Pakistan-based phone bank*, and give her sister a chance at the good life in the suburbs.

Seriously.  "Awesome Sauce?"

*Anyone else think that the portrayal of the phone bank is total BS?  I mean, seriously- gleaming white and immaculately clean,  with friendly little decorations, and with the employees seated at their own desks?  Hell, I bet they aren't even allowed to have drinks at their work stations.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Another "Mom's the only one who knows how to use these things" Bounty Paper Towels Commercial

Yeah, this is cute and pretty true-to-life and innocent and all that, but I still don't quite get why Big Brother isn't Big Enough to grab a few paper towels and wipe up the mess he created.  I mean, what happened to Big Brother while Mommy was giving her usual empty-headed "this is my life as a Mommy this is what I wanted in life yes it really really is" little smile as she lovingly cleans up the spill?  He just vanishes- why?  Why can't we see HIM cleaning it up?  Is it because Guys Just Don't Do Stuff Like That?

I mean, isn't the point of this ad to convince us that Bounty Paper Towels are the very best tool for cleaning up liquid messes?  Wouldn't that point be sold just as effectively if we saw Mommy's First Born doing the cleaning (he looks more than old enough to handle the extremely technical job of applying a paper towel to a spill?)  Or would that just cause heads to explode over in TV land?

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Downy's Be More Huggable campaign leaves me hating pretty much everything

This ridiculously manipulative advertisement disguised as a Hallmark Channel movie or mid-afternoon glurge-talk show is four minutes and thirteen seconds long, but the product being promoted isn't revealed until the last five seconds.  And then the connection between the first 4:08 and the product is never made in any coherent manner.  And I am left wondering where the hell I go to get that 4:08 of my life back.

This commercial features three (or maybe it's four, I'm not doing this again) sets of couples talking about themselves while sitting on couches.  It's all very gooey-cute and pointless and smarmy and stupid and the only reason I didn't turn it off right away was because I caught it on YouTube and saw that it was sponsored by Downy Fabric Softener and was curious to see how the writers were going to tie this in with a chemical used to reduce static cling.  It goes on and on AND ON because I guess we are supposed to develop a kind of connection with these total strangers over the course of four minutes which makes our hearts glow and our eyes glass up (mine glazed over, but I'm kind of heartless that way)- in short, we are supposed to care about these people on our tvs because they are on our tvs and they've got these kind of inoffensive but not at all interesting stories to tell.  On TV.

At the end of this Four Minutes of Twee the couples are asked to stand up and hug each other, and now unless you've totally bought in and feel like you've known these people all your life it's pretty uncomfortable (the kid hitting the same three notes on the keyboard to provide "dramatic" background music doesn't help) and we get the sinking feeling that the previous 240 seconds were all about getting to the part where they rub each other's clothes which are so soft and rubable because hey,  Downy!

And then it's over except for the ubiquitous hashtag thing provided for the seriously damaged losers who want to "learn more" (it would be kind of hard to "learn less.")  How about Hashtag Get Your Minutes Back?  Because when I'm on my deathbed, I'm going to remember the four minutes Downy stole from my life.   If you haven't watched this video, please don't bother and just send me a thank-you note instead.  If you got through the whole thing, welcome to the very exclusive club.  Let's keep our membership a secret, shall we?

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The Scariest Commercial I've Ever Seen- and one of the most effective

I was going to call this "the most effective commercial I've ever seen," but I think that title still belongs to the ad I saw when I was about five years old which was aired to combat attempts by conservatives in Congress to gut Medicare- that one featured a solitary old woman opening a can of cat food as her pet purred and rubbed itself against her legs, and then putting the cat food on a dish next to a half-dozen crackers.  Even at five, I understood that this old woman- who could be My Grandmother- was about to eat cat food because she couldn't afford food and medication.  I bet I saw that commercial no more than two or three times, more than forty years ago- and I never forgot it.

It's pretty rare for a commercial to have an impact like that, I think.  I mean, I've probably seen more than 100,000 television ads over the past-- umm, several decades--- and I can only remember a few from my early childhood.  That Medicare ad.  The one with the "Johnny Smoke" cartoon character who rides into town and kills people by getting them hooked on cigarettes.  Mr. Yuck reminding us that the stuff mom keeps under the sink can make us dead dead dead ("Mr Yuck is green....Mr Yuck is MEAN!")   And there was that traffic safety ad which showed a mother screaming when she saw that the corpse under the sheet was her child, struck by a car....yeah, those stayed with me.  But very few others.

I think this is another of those very unique, powerfully effective ads that will stay with people for a long time- maybe a lifetime.  Both the drivers in this ad made a mistake- one pulled out because he "thought he had enough time."  The other was driving too fast (Jesus, 100 MPH?  Is that normal in Australia?)  The result is that everyone in this commercial is going to die- including the innocent, sweet-looking kid in the back seat, who just assumed that Dad would get him around safe because hey, he's Dad.

There's nothing to be done, because once you've made a mistake like this, you have to accept the consequences.  There's no turning back the clock.  Pretty damned powerful.

Now, why can't we make ads like this in the US?  How about ones featuring people killing each other in their cars because they "just had to" look at their cell phones "for just a moment?"  They could just copy what we see here- the texter gets out of his car and apologizes to the guy and his children for killing them because he thought that responding to message # 314 received today was more important than keeping his eye on the road.  Why don't we see ads like this?  It's certainly not because they aren't needed.  Could it have something to do with the unholy alliance between cell phone companies and car companies to convince us that "connectivity" can be both constant and safe if we just buy cars with enough "safety" features like electronic warning systems and "hands-free" distractions?

Instead (at least here in the DC area) we get stupid posters featuring people with tire tracks on their faces, gently reminding drivers that hey, there are other human beings out there trying to get from Point A to Point B without being run over because you "needed" to send that email or check that score again.  They are more silly than scary, and I haven't met anyone who thinks that they are effective reminders to pay the hell attention.  And when that campaign is over, I don't believe that anyone is going to remember it as much more than a lame joke.

A few ads like the ones they dare put on TV in Australia?  Hey, that might work.  Might not, too- sometimes I wonder if anything can get the techno-addicted morons off their phones and their eyes back on the road.  Worth a try though, don't you think?

Monday, June 16, 2014

Taco Bell's Hashtag Obesity Campaign

Hash Browns/Hashtag.  Get it?  Me too.  Don't think it's funny? Me neither.

Nor do I think that old geezers bitching endlessly about the greasy crud people are eating is funny either.  In fact, I've never thought that old geezers being portrayed as comic foils in commercials or sitcoms is funny.  Not ever.  Not even once.

And I sure don't think that this hash browns inside a bacon and cheese taco breakfast sandwich thing is a good idea AT ALL.  And it's not because I'm an old geezer.  I'm not.  It's because we are already the fattest nation that has ever existed, on a planet in which half the population goes to bed hungry every night, and we seem obsessed with finding new ways to kill ourselves with our food instead of oh, I don't know, eating less and eating sensibly.

If this is the "next generation of breakfast," it's more and more likely we've seen the last generation of healthy Americans, as refusing to eat oneself to death seems to have gone out of style.  Ah well, it was fun while it lasted.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

DirecTV ramps up the Sexism. Anyone want to defend this?

Maybe someone over at DirecTV reads my blog?  Or (more likely) someone over there noticed the YouTube comments?

  Either way- maybe someone who gave the thumbs-up to this ridiculous, disgusting, insulting ad campaign saw that there are actually a few people who DON'T find it a blatantly sexist farce and figured "ok, let's see if it's possible to get EVERYONE angry."

Because there's got to be a reason for this ad, which features a deeply insecure puppet-wife stripping and dancing for her guy and begging for affirmation.  "Am I pretty?  How about if I dance like this?  How about now?"  Ugh.

And the guy just sitting on the bed isn't just dealing with his partner's desperation.  He's enjoying it.  Please.

Come on, DirecTV.  You aren't pushing the envelope anymore.  You have decided that grossing out your audience is better than being ignored by it, and that you'd rather have us hate your company than be indifferent to it.  Mission Accomplished.

Anyone out there STILL think these are just innocent, goofy little nuggets of inoffensive dumb?  Because I'm sure they can get worse.  And I'm sure they will.  Just keep defending this crap.  Just keep telling me to "lighten up," or explain how DirecTV is advertised exclusively to men (and of course all men just love ads which objectify women as sex toys.)  Go ahead, tell me this is "just a commercial" and I need to get a life.  Because I'm pretty sure DirecTV isn't going to stop serving up this increasingly bizarre garbage until the most chauvinistic cretins out there finally respond with "oh wait-- that's a bit over the top, even for me."

It was only a matter of time before Friskies brought us this

It's LSD for cats.

And it's official.  This is the end of the world.  In my opinion, it was overrated, and it won't be missed.

Friday, June 13, 2014

When you spread your "joy," could you keep the f--k out of my neighborhood?

Um, seriously, Nissan?

I have often accused commercial producers of living in some weird fantasy world in which they think people really, really enjoy watching others be total douchnozzles, or at least shrug off the douchnozzlery of society with a shrug, a nod and a "whaddayagonnado?"  But Nissan has really taken it up a notch with this one.

According to this ad, what really makes us happy is listening to other people's taste in music, blaring out of their awesome Bose sound systems installed in their even more awesome Japanese imports.  When we hear it, we smile and give a big thumbs-up because hey, we weren't doing anything like reading or listening to our own music or just thinking and taking in the world.  We were just waiting for someone to come along with speakers big and powerful enough to let us know exactly what someone else likes to listen to, because we all have exactly the same taste in music.*

I know we all have exactly the same taste in music because I ride the DC Metrorail system pretty much every day, and if we didn't all have exactly the same taste in music the very thoughtful dicktards sharing the subway with me wouldn't be so kind as to use earbuds which allow their- umm-- "music" to carry throughout the car.  They'd figure "hey, I want to listen to my sound, but I don't know if anyone else wants to, so I'd better wear actual headphones or turn down my volume."  Thank goodness we all love the same music, huh?

So Nissan has this exactly right, don't they?  We all get a kick of suddenly being jarred by the dulcet tones of heavy bass, or crap '60s music, or whatever, be it at 2 PM or 2 AM, coming past our cars or our homes- doesn't matter, it's great because like I said, we all have the same taste in music and it's all about sharing.  Right?

So why do I hope that the people who made this commercial spent an eternity in a very special hell in which massive car speakers are forever blaring Mony Mony** or something that doesn't have lyrics but is just the rhythmic pounding bass which is mysteriously popular in every suburb in the United States, especially between 1 and 4 AM, when we would probably be deprived of it if not for the very thoughtful people who are kind enough to roll through our neighborhoods with their windows down?  Must be something wrong with me.

*Let's cut to the chase.  People who blare music from leaky earphones or car stereo systems are sociopaths, pure and simple.   They aren't clueless.  They know exactly what they are doing, and they simply don't give a flying damn if they are bothering anyone- in fact, I suspect that bothering people is precisely their goal.   I don't know what caused them to be such bitter, angry dicktards, and I frankly don't really care.  I just hope that there is an afterlife worthy of their deeds waiting for them.

**which eight-year old kids on a school bus are somehow familiar with.  Uh-huh.  WTF-ever, Nissan.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

And if you take this poser seriously, I've got plenty to sell you, too

I'm not sure exactly when Al Sharpton graduated from race-baiting bullshit artist stirring up hatred on the streets of New York City by throwing false accusations around like they were candy to "respected voice of Civil Rights" on MSNBC, but I can tell you he did absolutely nothing to earn this promotion- unless you count getting a steady 1 percent of the vote in Democratic primaries for President.  Oh, and being a total 100 percent loyal suck-up to the Corpo-Democratic Party.

These days, MSNBC is running commercials in which Reverend Al brays cliche'd phrases about Civil Rights interspersed with images of a real, actual rights leader, Dr Martin Luther King Jr.  Apparently, Sharpton is to be taken seriously on the issue of Civil Rights because.....umm, well, because....he's black?  Sharpton kind of forgets to tell us that he when he wasn't way, way, WAY in the background of the Civil Rights movement he was acting as an informer for the FBI- I guess that would damage "fight the establishment" narrative just a little bit.  And don't ever, EVER mention Tawana Brawley- never mind that if it had not been for that mild case of outright slander and thuggery, we never would have even HEARD of this disgusting rodent in an expensive suit.

I'm a pretty big fan of MSNBC most of the time- but do my very best to avoid Sharpton's incredibly undeserved hour, Politics Nation.  Sometimes I don't hit the button on my XM/Sirius radio quite fast enough, and get an earful of this jagoff screaming GOOD EVENING ED (anyone who listens to Sharpton- hey, whatever floats your boat- knows that the man long ago decided that YELLING INSTEAD OF TALKING is what mental midgets do to try to convince the audience that there's substance behind the BS. I think Sharpton's theory is Volume=Sincerity, or something.)   I probably agree with every single conviction he claims to have because MSNBC is cutting him a check, but I absolutely cannot stand this sack of garbage, and it really adds insult to injury when he attempts to lecture me on honesty, integrity or rights.  It's almost as bad as listening to Joe Scarborough tell me that the Koch Brothers are at heart just good Americans exercising their freedom of speech.  Almost.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

We really feel for you, buddy.

Ed Schultz started with a radio show back in 2004.  Then he was given an MSNBC show on weeknights but kept his radio show.  Then he moved to a weekends-only MSNBC show but kept his radio show.  Then he came back to a nightly MSNBC show but kept his radio show.  And how he's giving up his radio show, but keeping his MSNBC show.   I guess he got over his "I need two shows" complaint.

BTW, while I like Ed, I wish the people who want him to read their tweets on the air weren't such butt-kissing brown-nosers.  Asking Ed "are you going to go fishing this weekend?" or "what's your favorite food to grill?" will get your question answered on the air, which I guess is all you want, but your pathetic need to be a shameless bootlicker makes me, a fellow human being, deeply ashamed of you.  "Big Eddie" might be a good progressive, but he's also a guy who in the past has bitched about not being able to get a business class ticket to North Dakota for less than $3900 (that's not a typo) and how he really wants to fish the Kamchatka Peninsula someday (and certainly will.)  Yeah, he's all Middle Class and Just One of Us.  Sure he is.

But whatever you think of Ed, please, save a little of your dignity and stop asking him stupid questions that have nothing to do with anything except feeding his infinite desire to talk about himself.  Or just ask him if he's hiring toadies.  You choads are more than qualified.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Next year, tablets and cell phones will be curved too. Just watch. It is simply who we are.

Yes, Doc, I know what this means.  It means that once again, we are being told that our perfectly good television sets- which were yesterday's Must Buy, is now a lame-ass, flat piece of crap and our lives are basically over unless we toss them to the curb and bust through our credit card limits to buy this new Technology That Makes Life Worth Living.

To the owners of Dr. Carl Sagan's image- there are no words to describe the contempt I have for you.  When Dr. Sagan was discussing new inventions and technology and the renaissance-to-come, he was NOT referring to another excuse to obsess over the fucking idiot box as our ticket to a stationary, obese lifestyle.

To all of the other actors who whored or where whored out for this dreck- well, I know that these are just random movie clips, none of which actually show you having an orgasm over a new television set (unlike the slack-jawed losers seen drooling over their new toy- I have no words to describe the contempt I have for them, either.)  Still, I hope you feel a little bit of shame to be associated with this horror.

And to all the morons who bought into the I Must Have This Right Now message ten seconds in, well- if TV is your life, I guess this is pretty cool.  And if TV is your life, well, I think I've written enough about undefinable contempt for one post.  Enjoy your- um- existence- with your new, awesome, curvy idiot box, oatmeal-for-brains.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

The Evolution of Disgustingly Conspicuous Consumption Continues.....

As a bit of irony, this commercial clip on YouTube is preceded by an ad for Honda, promising that if we buy one of their vastly less pretentious vehicles we'll be the "envy of the neighborhood."  Um, not if our next-door neighbor buys one of these fricking chariots, we won't.

I'm not even going to even get into the fact that David Bowie is either just another horrid sellout, or he lost the rights to his most overrated 80s hit.   I just came home from a week of grading more than a thousand essays of generally poor quality, and I'm pretty out of it, ok?

In fact, I'll just point out that when Marie Antoinette took her final ride in front of cheering crowds, it was in a simple peddler's cart.  Just sayin'.

As for the rest of this dreck, well, it reminds me of nothing more than the two chariot scenes in those Hunger Games films.  Without the happy ending- you know, 90 percent of the riders being killed in awful ways.  Because man, if you need cart your over-indulged ass around in one of these things, be ready to face karma when it comes back to bite you in aforementioned ass.  I bet you didn't spend one moment thinking about all the kids you could be feeding with the money you poured into this repulsive, unnecessary ego-stroking toy.  Too busy imagining be gaped at and admired, right?

Well, guess what?  When you breathe your last, all that money buys you a slightly larger hole to toss your worthless corpse into.  Sans head, if there is a deity and if His Creations ever wake the hell up.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Behr Footin'?

1.  This is a nice song, but it needs a hook.

2.  I don't know how good this concrete/wood paint covering stuff really is, and I don't care.  Just WATCHING this commercial gives me splinters.  No WAY am I doing this in real life.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Oh STFU you smart ass little SOB. You too, Toyota.

Seriously, someone explain to me what any of this drivel has to do with getting me to buy a Toyota.  All I see is a seriously damaged little kid who has obviously been programmed by his hyper-ambitious parents to never ever ever stop practicing for the More Important Than Life Itself Spelling Bee, which is more like the Totally Pointless Having No Bearing On The Real World Child Competition One Step Above Beauty Pageant your parents will be sticking you in NEXT year, poor kid.  This boy needs some Away Time from his horrible parents so he can be introduced to a childhood.

Or, he's like the title of this post suggests- a Too Cutesy To Be Allowed Outside Bundle of Smarm I don't ever, ever want to see on my TV again.*  Oh, and he can take Jan with him.  Her fifteen minutes should have been up YEARS ago.

*"Spell Expeditious?"  Well, as long as you feel comfortable barking orders at total strangers, here's one for you- get your nasty little puss out of my face, I'm just here to pimp cars to your creep parents, ok?