Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Or maybe I'm just weird

Am I the only person who saw this commercial and thought

A.  The dad has broken up with his daughter and is trying to win her back,

B.  The dad is way too invested in his daughter's relationship issues and is being uber-creepy in his response to a 20-year old woman's decision to break it off with a 14-year old boy (seriously, that boy is not old enough to have been dating that girl.  Maybe that's why she ended it- a judge told her to?)

C.  The dad is acting like a jealous weirdo with the whole sprinkler thing.  I think Uncle Buck kidnapping his neice's unfaithful boyfriend, trussing him like a turkey and dumping him into the trunk of his beater made more sense than this.  Is dad really so convinced that his daughter can't handle this on her own?

D.  Do daughters who are recovering from a breakup really want hugs from dad?  I would think a long conversation over coffee at Starbucks with her best GIRL FRIENDS would be more realistic here.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

And I don't care about this, Honda

Based on what we are allowed to see, I've put together the backstory of this commercial:

This family, despairing of ever finding any joy in the relationship they have been damned by DNA to share thanks to unthinking relatives most of whom have passed on, decide to pack up a picnic lunch and drive off to the desert to have a nice final meal followed by a murder-suicide.

Once they've finished off the bucket of KFC and two six-packs of Pepsi they brought with them, they realize that they lack the courage to break out the cyanide-laced PowerAde and, more depressed than ever, settled for taking a few pictures of the bleak landscape before piling back into the family SUV and returning through the desert to their even bleaker suburban dungeon.

On the way, one of the younger members of this Family of the Damned decides to provoke someone into putting him out of his misery by singing out loud, breaking the family's No Talking In The Car rule which is tolerated because there's no internet connection anyway (Idiot Dad, who has Always Let Us Down, didn't get the car which came with it's own WiFi, the cheap douchenozzle.)

The other people in the car, collectively figuring "wow, I had no idea life could actually get worse" join in, perhaps hoping that this is the thing that might push them to do what they really want to do and start guzzling that PowerAde after all.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Honda continues to confound me

The people in the photos around these Very Famous And Therefore Very Important People are total unknowns who, I assume, were just living everyday lives until this ad came around to remind them that they aren't Tina Fey or any of these other very famous people.

But hey, don't despair- maybe you aren't rich and famous and the subject of car commercials with the the theme of Success Comes From Dreaming and Striving, but if you can scrape up $45,000 over the next four years you can buy one of these unnecessarily large automobiles.  So that's something, right?

Friday, August 25, 2017

Toyota Jan has the easiest job on the planet

Toyota Jan sees a drooling idiot gazing into the window of a typical Toyota SameMobile and interrupts her strolling-while-drinking-coffee long enough to suggest that he may need some help (he needs help, all right, but not the kind Jan The Toyota Toady can provide.)

She helpfully suggests that he "can take it for a test drive."  He sort-of responds, but is still way too satisfied with his view of the car (which I guess is locked? Why is he just looking at the interior through the closed window, anyway?) from the driver's side window.

Jan doesn't push the issue, because Jan isn't really a car salesman- unless she really thinks that her job is to make sure that people who are staring at the interior of cars with their noses pressed against the windows don't care about actually getting in the car or maybe even driving it.  Jan does what no car salesman would ever do- noticing a customer clearly interested in a car, she just asks a question and then walks away.  I've been asked if I'd like to look at a car as I walk past dealerships.  This guy can be attempting to make out with one and be all but ignored by the sales staff?  Please.

But Jan lives in a Toyota TV Fantasy World where truly interested customers knock eachother over to "claim" cars as they wave their checkbooks and beg to be allowed to sign on the dotted line.  She doesn't have to hustle for business- it gets thrown out her.  So when this guy is done mentally having sex with the car, he'll plead to be allowed to take his new love interest home and won't ask about the price.  Jan will interrupt her coffee time long enough to tell him where to sign and hand him the keys.  It's great to be Jan.  This guy?  Well, it's just a commercial, right?

Monday, August 21, 2017

TD Ameritrade's "Green Room" doesn't exist in any universe I know

The couple in this commercial look to be about forty.  And they are telling the TD Ameritrade guy that they've "carefully saved" $103,000 and are nervous about investing it because, after all, it took them a long time to save that $103,000 so it's super important that they don't blow it on bad investments....

Couple of things.  First, if this couple really is about forty, they are at least 25 years from retirement and are still around a decade away from their peak earning years.  At the rate they are going, they could expect to quadruple that amount at least without even trying.  Which brings me to my next point...

This couple is not even trying.  If they've "carefully saved" $103,000 and are just now thinking maybe of sorta investing if they can be sure the investments are safe, they have been stashing money away in a bank which is paying them no interest, meaning that every year they've been saving their hard-earned, carefully-hoarded money has been losing value.  Their strategy so far has been one step above the Bury The Cash In Coffee Cans In The Backyard method.  Idiots.

I suppose the TD Ameritrade guy is too good at his job to openly laugh and shake his head at these stupid people who apparently think that it's 1896 and a savings account at the neighborhood bank is the solid foundation of a retirement plan.  So he'll suggest that rather than be concerned about $103,000 they've got saved up a freaking quarter-century before retirement, they ought to be thinking about making that money- and future "savings"- grow at a rate somewhat faster than the 1% they've been getting at the Safe As A Vault Because That's What You're Using It For bank.

Finally, I don't give a flying damn about these people.  They are barely getting started and they've got $103,000 in savings?  I hope an earthquake devours them and the pile of cash they are so damn proud of.  I hate you people so damn much- but not as much as I hate the fact that there's a massive industry devoted to hiring grinning number-pushers dedicated to manipulating your cash to make other people rich in return for virtually no actual work.  They make you jackwads look like saints.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Taco Bell Couples Counseling

The woman in this ad is so distraught at the idea of being single, she's actually mourning the end of a "relationship" she had with a disgusting, insensitive-to-the-extreme slob and willing to take "relationship counseling" from one of his equally loathsome friends.

Think about it- the message here is that the woman does not know how to fill the void in her life created by the imminent departure of the man-child sitting next to her.  And the man-child?  He's already found a way to replace her.  It's with a handful of greasy beef and carbs.  She's already been forgotten, because Hey Calories.

And think about this- loathsome male who barely acknowledges her existence because he's shoving poison into his cake hole has an actual male friend there to back him up.  Where's her support?  Oh, she doesn't have any- she's all alone in the world, now that the guy she thought was going to be The One has decided she's totally expendable as long as Taco Bell keeps coming up with delicious ways to deliver toxins to the bloodstream.

I'd say that this woman is better off, but it's hard to imagine that she's not going to quickly find another sociopath to cling to in the hopes of fulfilling the American dream of marriage, children, house in the suburbs, and....well, that's about it, actually.

Friday, August 18, 2017

Message to DirecTV NFL package fans....

If you are going to loudly demand Every Game, All Season, like the loathsome choad in this ad, you'd better come to grips with a few things.

First, you aren't a football fan.  Football fans follow a team.  Maybe it's their college team, maybe it's the NFL team they grew up with.  Maybe it's both.  But NFL fans do not follow every team, every week, because unless you are insane you get that there's more to weekends- and life in general- than watching football.

Second, you aren't even a sports fan.  I'll explain further by linking it to another ugly phenomenon which somehow became normal over the last ten years, that plague on America called "Fantasy Sports."

Fantasy Sports Fans- like NFL Direct Ticket fans, you are not actually sports fans.   You aren't even Fantasy fans.  You are fans of finding reasons to sit on your butts doing absolutely nothing while your brains and bodies turn to mush and your loved ones go about their lives without you.   You practitioners in the Art of Not Moving.

In short, you are in the same group as the people who demand live streaming and infinite DVR'ing and "must" have access to Netflix and Hulu and Amazon Prime 24/7.   Pathetic.

I don't know who these commercials are supposed to appeal to, but I can think of two possible target audiences:

1.  People who are currently spending as much time as possible on the couch but who are perplexed by a nagging feeling that when the game is over they really ought to get up and do something because, you know, life and relationships and fleeting time and all that.  If the football never ends, that nagging feeling never shows up, right?

2.  People who already have the package and spend 20 hours or so every weekend watching football but who worry that they are being abnormal and who need affirmation that devoting one-seventh of their lives to a tv show is something others aspire to do.

3.  People whose lives from Monday to Friday are so unbelievably horrible that they really do need entire weekends of TV Coma to "recharge" and get ready for another five days of the relentless agony which defines their existence- and who have already binged on Game of Thrones marathons.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for purchasing the DirecTV package.  You are making traffic much more bearable on the weekends by just staying in your caves with your glowing friend.  Just don't call yourself football fans, because the only thing you are fans of is being immobile as much as possible before death comes to claim your flabby, worthless selves.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

The Upgrade includes Asian kids dressed as angels singing you to sleep

If you live in this freaking palace, you have ZERO business complaining about the quality of your sleep, you entitled asshats.

Seriously, I just love these ads, which always feature the beds located in impossibly opulent rooms with 360 degree views of oceans, city skylines, etc.  The message of each is "you're unbelievably wealthy.  You've got pretty much everything.  Oh, but if your sleep isn't 100 percent perfect, then neither is your life.  I bet you didn't even realize it, but for a few more grand which you have lying around anyway, even your sleep can be Superior to that of your Lessers.  So buy this."

Monday, August 14, 2017

Just innocently destroying the planet, one stupid move at a time

I bet the woman is this ad always unplugs her phone charger when it's not in use.  You know, to save energy and all that.  Think Globally, Act Locally.

And then, before going out on a date which will last a few hours, she leaves her television on so her dog can watch ping pong.  Otherwise, he, be lonely while she's away, I guess.*

One step forward, two steps back.  Again.

*this is assuming, of course, that the guy goes through with the date after witnessing her insanity.  Personally, I'd see this as her way of scaring me off.  It would work, too.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Xfinity's Not-So-Brave New World

The woman is this ad is singing the virtues of nonstop "connectivity," from the moment she rises (and before she actually gets out of bed) to the end of the day, when she meets up with the ugly choad she's decided is "cute" enough for her, or at the very least better than those other guys she flung away with a swipe of her finger because she could.

The most amazingly wonderful thing about the world and her life is that her phone "evolved" with her, so now every single thing she does- from ordering a total stranger to pick her up in an unfamiliar car to picking out someone to breed with- can be done with one little hand-held device.  She can even do really STUPID things (even more stupid than using phones to get rides from strangers or pick out potential life partners) like make flowered crowns to wear at the movies, or something.  I don't know what that's all about, and I'm pretty sure I don't care, because this is a pretty stupid woman.

In the end she's super-happy with Mr. "he's cute" (which sounds a lot like "he'll do") which tells me that this woman is really into stupid-looking doofuses who are obviously going to be bald before they get near 30, but hey to each her own.  Not as much as she's into worshipping her phone, though.  Not even close.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Six years later....Windows didn't "solve" anything

I actually commented on this commercial back in 2011.  I didn't go back and look at the post, but I'm pretty sure I said something like "yeah, right- what people really want is to get the Very Important Information they want more quickly so they can get back to their real lives.  Sure, they do.  No, they don't.  Because people actually like staring at their phones and if you give them faster connectivity they'll just use that to stare at more things on their phones."

I'm pretty sure I wasn't proven wrong.  In 2017 our phones can do more, faster, than they could way back in 2011.  And stop me if I'm wrong, but I haven't noticed a decrease in the amount of time people spend staring at their phones.

In fact, I feel pretty safe in arguing that what seemed like stupid, time-wasting, zombie behavior in 2011- walking down the sidewalk with eyes fixed on the phone, sitting at a restaurant and staring at that phone rather than talking to the person you are "with," and basically incorporating that phone into every aspect of your life no matter how bizarre it might have seemed a few years ago- has become so normal that I suspect a lot of people look at this ad and say to themselves "yes, really.  And? So? What's the point?"

I also think it's safe to say that the drug dealers who peddle the idea of nonstop electronic stimulus in the form of Permanent "Connectivity" have won their battle with civilization, and restaurants of the future will feature single-seating because our phones don't need chairs.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Making American Values Great Again, courtesy of GMC

What are your goals in life?

To be a good person?  Loser.  Good people get stepped on.

To be a good father?  What are you, a woman?  Next thing you know you'll be telling me you want to know how to change a diaper.  Pansy.

To do a good job at work?  Uh huh.  Good employees don't get the promotion.  You're a drone.  Sheep.

To be a good husband?  Thanks for adding to the feminization of males.  I bet you like participation trophies and gender-neutral clothing, too.  Ninny.

Here's what your goals in life SHOULD be, and WOULD be, if you were a man and not just a male:

Be the BEST person.  The GREATEST.  Better than your neighbors.  But even that's not enough.  Gotta SHOW them how much better you are by parking this gigantic truck in your driveway.

Be the BEST father.  Take your kids to the gun range.  Teach them from an early age that they must win at every sport, bring home every trophy.  And none of this second-place stuff.  That's like having the second-largest truck on the block.  That's for losers.  Are your kids losers?

Be Employee of the Month.  Every month.  Get to work early and stay late.  Take credit for the work of others, get adept at back-stabbing, spread rumors about your fellow workers.  Get that raise, get that corner office.  Take two spaces in the parking lot with your massive truck, so it's shadow falls on at least two lesser cars belonging to the lesser employees.

Be the BEST husband by bringing home the MOST money so the Little Woman can buy the kids the BEST clothes and take them on the BEST vacations and drop them off at school in that massive truck so their friends can stare at awe at it's- errr, YOUR- awesomeness.

Above all, spend your life rubbing everyone else's nose in your obvious superiority.  Start with this truck.  It will instantly make you better.  Take our word for it.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

So the 90s are nostalgia now? Thanks Macy's.

I'm not even going to get into a rant about the sexualization of teenagers so obnoxiously obvious in this horrible ad.  I'm too stuck on the fact that unless you squint and look quickly at the little pop-ups in the corner, you probably wouldn't even notice that this is even a commercial for back-to-school clothes and not a really, really horrible music video for an act you have no interest in seeing ever.

Oh, and the terms "Rad Fashion" and "Dope Denim."  Rad? Dope? Oh right, this is supposed to be 90s throwback stuff.  The "Me, Myself and I" lyrics should have cued me in.  Holy crap, I was just getting used to the 80s nostalgia stuff- we've moved on to the 90s already? NOOOOOOO!!  Not before Video Rental Stores make a comeback you don't!!!

Anyway, buy this stuff and your teens will be ready to go to school dressed like their parents were back in the 90s, I guess.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to feeling old now.  Stupid Macy's.

Monday, August 7, 2017

I'm surprised she didn't instinctively bring him a beer on the way from the bathroom

1.  It's pretty clear from the tone of this woman's voice that this guy has bugged his significant other many, many times in the past with this "you gotta see this" nonsense.  Yet she feels compelled to get out of the bathtub and walk into the living room still wet and wrapped only in a towel rather than make him wait until she finishes her bath and gets dressed.  Good Trophy Wife!  Good Girl!

2.  Turns out that what she's "gotta see" this time is that the son she managed to birth- fulfilling her contract with the jackass bag of money with legs she married- is capable of bleating "go Irish," which I guess is supposed to be impressive despite the fact that the kid is at least four years old and should probably be getting some testing done if he CAN'T say "go Irish."

3.  Trophy Wife/Mom, wondering why the bank account she sold herself to isn't capable of taking care of their son for more than ten minutes without interrupting her while she takes a bath, murmurs something that sounds like "Ok, great, I'm going to go back to doing what I'm doing" but which probably more accurately translates to "thanks for reminding me again what I sold myself for.  I have to go look at that wedding ring again, and maybe check out the Lexus in the driveway, before I succumb to complete despair."

Next time, lock the bathroom door, Trophy Wife.  Or just keep on keeping on, because no matter how obnoxious that man-child you chained yourself to in exchange for a house and financial security is, it's still better than navigating the big scary world all by yourself, right?  Right?

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Uber is dedicated to making life even better for those who already have everything

Hey, rich white people with money burning holes in your pockets!  Running out of ways to toss that money away?  Coming dangerously close to looking into that charity thing you hear people on tv talking about?  Well, here comes Uber Eats to the rescue!

Now you can get your favorite high-end food without leaving your house or office- transforming "eating out" from an occassional benefit of your gilded existence to something you do three or even four times a day (yes, you can have chef-prepared SNACKS delivered right to your palace, your majesty!)  After all, you don't really like to cook anyway- the only reason you ever shopped was to be seen by your neighbors in the Brie aisle at Whole Foods.  Now whenever you and your pretty white friends want to get together to eat, you don't have to risk sitting next to lessers.  Just get on that App and have a big pile of delicacies delivered to your house, or the park, or the beach, or any other out-of-the way inconvenient place you want to drop your pampered butts Because You Can now.

Because Uber isn't just total strangers driving around hoping to sell you a ride anymore.  Now it's total strangers delivering gourmet food, you disgustingly spoiled little twats.  I just hope this means you plan to spend more time in your well-furnished cages, because that at least would be one benefit to the rest of us who believe me, won't miss you for one moment.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

I don't want to live in the world these Chevy Truck Guys have inherited

So I guess the "punchline" of this "very funny lol" commercial in which three guys and a dog have survived the Mayan apocalypse is that one of their friends "didn't make it" because he drove a Ford truck instead of a Chevy.  Because while Chevys can survive being buried by tons of granite and steel, don't even ATTEMPT to get yourself through the End of the World in a Ford.

So these guys all enjoy a bit of a sad chuckle at the fate of their friend, who I guess at the last minute had a choice of which car he was going to drive-?  I mean, did he have two trucks in the garage and just picked the wrong one not realizing that this was the day he was going to need the "real" one, the Chevy?

When this eventually does happen, I'll be in the rubble because I don't drive a Real Man's Truck like these mouth-breathing morons who BTW obviously cast their last ever vote for Donald Trump.  So I won't be around when they die from some horrible disease brought on by long-term exposure to the rotting corpses which surround them as they toast their awesomeness with whatever beer they were able to find in the shattered shell of a liquor store down the street.  Nor will I be there when they draw lots to decide which one they eat first.  I'm betting the dog makes it out of the first round.