Friday, August 18, 2017
Message to DirecTV NFL package fans....
If you are going to loudly demand Every Game, All Season, like the loathsome choad in this ad, you'd better come to grips with a few things.
First, you aren't a football fan. Football fans follow a team. Maybe it's their college team, maybe it's the NFL team they grew up with. Maybe it's both. But NFL fans do not follow every team, every week, because unless you are insane you get that there's more to weekends- and life in general- than watching football.
Second, you aren't even a sports fan. I'll explain further by linking it to another ugly phenomenon which somehow became normal over the last ten years, that plague on America called "Fantasy Sports."
Fantasy Sports Fans- like NFL Direct Ticket fans, you are not actually sports fans. You aren't even Fantasy fans. You are fans of finding reasons to sit on your butts doing absolutely nothing while your brains and bodies turn to mush and your loved ones go about their lives without you. You practitioners in the Art of Not Moving.
In short, you are in the same group as the people who demand live streaming and infinite DVR'ing and "must" have access to Netflix and Hulu and Amazon Prime 24/7. Pathetic.
I don't know who these commercials are supposed to appeal to, but I can think of two possible target audiences:
1. People who are currently spending as much time as possible on the couch but who are perplexed by a nagging feeling that when the game is over they really ought to get up and do something because, you know, life and relationships and fleeting time and all that. If the football never ends, that nagging feeling never shows up, right?
2. People who already have the package and spend 20 hours or so every weekend watching football but who worry that they are being abnormal and who need affirmation that devoting one-seventh of their lives to a tv show is something others aspire to do.
3. People whose lives from Monday to Friday are so unbelievably horrible that they really do need entire weekends of TV Coma to "recharge" and get ready for another five days of the relentless agony which defines their existence- and who have already binged on Game of Thrones marathons.
Anyway, thanks to everyone for purchasing the DirecTV package. You are making traffic much more bearable on the weekends by just staying in your caves with your glowing friend. Just don't call yourself football fans, because the only thing you are fans of is being immobile as much as possible before death comes to claim your flabby, worthless selves.