Sunday, January 30, 2022

Dunkin Donuts helps turn you into a pumpkin, one cup of sugar at a time.


I watched this with the sound off, so I'm just wondering:  was the word "coffee" uttered at any point during its runtime?  Because I'm pretty sure I remember Dunkin Donuts making and selling coffee.  And I don't see any coffee here.  What I do see is a lot of cream and sugar dressed up like a holiday treat, but if you are in the market for something like this it will probably just replace that fatty junk the nice girl in the Drive-thru window hands you when you say "the usual" the other 11 months of the year. 

Enjoy turning into a pumpkin.  I'll keep taking mine black, thanks anyway.  And now I'm sure I do remember Dunkin Donuts selling coffee.  GOOD coffee.  And if you wanted some sugar with it, you could get yourself a piece of round fried cake with a hole in it.  Or a bag of fried holes.  It didn't come in the cup along with the coffee.  Did I miss something?

Saturday, January 29, 2022

This Capital One Birthday Pony Commercial...


1.  What is the point of the other presents?  Where they purchased by the other guests?  Well, those other guests are going to feel really special now that their gifts are probably going to go unopened by this spoiled little brat, as her mother obnoxiously gives her a pony right off the bat.  If I were one of these kids, I'd quietly take my gift back.  It's not going to be noticed anyway after this ostentatious display.

2.  So this pony was actually wrapped in paper? Who did this to the poor thing?  Who thought this was funny, or necessary, or even practical?  It's just really, really dumb.  

3.  I just hate this woman, and hate this kid, and feel sorry for the other kids here because they took the time to find gifts for this little girl that might as well be dirt under her shoe at this point.  Again- just take your gifts back, kids.  Donate them to a toy bank at a shelter somewhere.  Some poor kids who will appreciate them will get them.  You know, kids without an insane mom who thinks it's a good idea to wrap a f--king pony.   Cripes. 

Friday, January 28, 2022

Kay Jewelers: Yes, it's that time of year again....


You know what I'm talking about- that Dead Zone between Christmas/New Year's and Easter where there's no legitimate reason to buy shiny pieces of rock or candy so Capitalism hits us over the head with the Second-Biggest Guilt Trip Holiday (the biggest being Mother's Day) of the year, Valentine's Day.  Smack dab in the middle of the dreariest, coldest month, it's just wedged in there to remind us that if we are part of a couple, it's time to start spending, and if we aren't part of a couple, there's Something Wrong With Us Losers.

In the first scene of this chapter of It Never Ever Ends Does It? we are reminded that if you want her to say Yes, be sure to give her something that glitters and do it while standing next to a cliff.  Wait a few dates so you have a good idea of how much she costs, because that Token that Says She's Taken is a big enough waste of money without going overboard.  And if there's no cliff around, do the buying asking in front of an audience in some loud, ostentatious way that pretty much guarantees the "right" answer. 

Then go out and buy some chocolate, too.  Gotta keep the economy afloat until April.

Sunday, January 23, 2022

This stupid Tucson Hybrid "Gas Card" Commercial...


1.  Does this woman's boyfriend have any tact at all?  First of all, she's well aware that she drives a hybrid- it's her car, after all.  Second, it's not his job to judge a gift given to her by her parents.  What is the matter with you, you idiot?

2.  Why is he so obsessed with her needing gas?  Who acts like this?  She's the driver of her own car.  She can keep track of when she needs gas.

3.  Who re-gifts to the same person who originally gave the gift?  Like the dad isn't going to notice it's the exact same gift card?  And Stupid Boyfriend is at it again, ready to say "hey, isn't that the same card he gave you?" before she shuts him up.  

4.  She drives a Hybrid.  Which means- her car uses gas.  So she buys gas.  Why doesn't she want that gas card?  

Saturday, January 22, 2022

The "Escape Room" series is an example of the betrayal of Modern Cinema


For those of you who aren't aware- lucky you- "Escape Room" is a (likely endless) series of films that function, in the words of one of my favorite reviewers, as "Saw for Babies."  In other words, Violence Porn for the PG-13 set.  Because you're never to young to start reveling in the agony of complete strangers for the benefit of the viewing audience, I guess.

Here's why I find films like this especially insulting, and why I would never actually pay money to see any film of this depressingly popular genre (besides the fact that I find no entertainment in watching terrified people struggling to survive for five minutes, let alone ninety:)  they break what used to be a pretty standard and completely fair contract between movie studios and movie-goers.  The idea is that a film is supposed to tell a complete story:  It would have a beginning, in which characters are introduced, a storyline that included rising tension, and a satisfying resolution.  Way too many films these days- especially films like Saw, Escape Room, and any number of slasher films- break this contract with the innocent moviegoer who put down his money to watch such a story.  In short, they don't actually end with anything more than a "it's not over, bring your money back next year to see the next chapter" slap in the face.

This is ok if the film is based on a book series, and the people watching are well aware that they are watching one chapter in a series.  That's the contract they signed up for when they put down the money.  But unless a film is advertised in advance as a "Chapter" of a book that will eventually come to a satisfying conclusion, ending on a "stay tuned" note feels like a mugging.  

And why am I picking on Escape Room?  Because a "sequel" was released recently, and like the first film ends on a cliffhanger.  And here's where my blood really gets up- if you go to the Wikipedia page for the second film, the director reveals that there will be a third film "IF the box office allows for it."  In other words, there's no storyline being followed.  There's no conclusion being built toward.  If the fans of the first two films want to stay invested in this series to find out "what happens," (you know, like the fans of the Halloween film series have been waiting 44 years to find out,) well, they better hope that the second film made enough money to finance a third.  But they'd better realize that they are already doomed to repeat the past- if a third Escape Room film is released, and they think it's going to wrap up the series, they have no business being upset when it also ends on a cliffhanger.  The series will never end- it will will just die out when one of the films is not profitable enough to justify another chapter.  If you are a fan of Escape Room, you might as well just admit that you are in a trap of your own making and there is no escape for you, because Hollywood long ago figured out that telling a good story with a satisfying conclusion isn't as profitable as telling a series of stories (or, more accurately, the same story over and over again) with no wrap-up before the end credits.  

My solution to the problem is beautiful in it's simplicity:  If you go to see Escape Room: Tournament of Champions, leave the theater ten minutes before the ending.  There.  You've seen the wrap-up and you can now get on with your lives.  Don't wait for the blatantly obvious to Everyone On The Planet Who Has Ever Been To One Of These Films "Twist."  Just leave, and get on with your lives, and assume that Escape Room 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 are just remakes of the first movie (which, in fact, they are anyway.)

Friday, January 21, 2022

Just one more thing about this stupid "flex" commercial.


This obese doofus has a Suburban McMansion in the fabulous housing development on the very best street in Whitebreadborough USA, where he lives with his cookie cutter wife and cookie cutter 2.1 children when he isn't at his Standard Office Job selling Standard Office crap to Standard Fellow White Nobodies for 40 years or so until he retires to Tampa or Phoenix.  In the meantime, he's going to take pride in having a f--king tailgate that expands to provide more room to do stuff on because he's actually been dead for years and has absolutely nothing of interest going on in his life and there's only so many times a week he can hop on his $4000 riding mower and spend 45 seconds mowing his postage stamp-sized lawn.  

No hate, buddy, but seriously:  if you find yourself "flexing" with something like this, it's time to call it a day.  Go back inside to your Man Cave and watch tv on your 70-inch screen and if you're very, very lucky a nice little heart attack will come out of nowhere to rescue you from your non-life.  You're welcome. 

Tuesday, January 18, 2022

Dollar Tree now sells stuff for 1.25. The First World is triggered. Nothing new to see here.


"Influencers" and "Bloggers" are outraged.  So are pathetic trailer trash addicted to low prices on junk which have conned them into believing that they are financially stable.  Trash which thinks it has some kind of god-given right to rock-bottom-priced garbage Because Reasons ("America," most likely.)

The rest of us are just getting on with our lives because other than having to drive past them, we have nothing to do with this dirty, smelly stores, their down-on-their-luck employees, and the sad, depressingly fertile trolls wandering their aisles looking for lead-infused toys and lemon snack pies. 

Monday, January 17, 2022

Sirius XM Tiktok Radio, because the Universe continues to hate me.


Because the dumpster fire of rank Stupid that is TikTok certainly deserves it's own radio channel, doesn't it?  I mean, how else can you keep up with the wall of noise only "influencers" and other talentless mouth-breathers can provide during those few minutes every day you can't be on your phone because of lame Boomer Traffic Laws?

Look, I know this channel wasn't created for me.  And I know that all I have to do is not tune in (and believe me, I won't.)  But that's not going to spare me from the endless commercials for this auditory toxic waste dump (being scheduled on the SiriusXM Classic Radio channel, of all things.  As if the average customer for TikTok Radio is an elderly white female.)

Sunday, January 16, 2022

TurboTax is FREE FREE FREE... until it isn't.


Sigh.  It's this time of year again....

(Full Disclosure:  I have been a highly satisfied TurboTax customer for close to twenty years now.  On average I can complete my forms and send them out electronically, with Direct Deposit selected to receive my refund, inside of 30 minutes.  It really helps when you don't own anything.) 

TurboTax is FREE.  It's FREE.  It's FREE.  Unless, of course, you want to file electronically, or you want to file your State form along with your Federal form, or if you want any guarantee of accuracy from TurboTax, or if you want to use Direct Deposit to get your refund.  If you don't care about any of that, then yes, there is a version of TurboTax that is FREE.  Do I have to add that I really, really don't recommend that version AT ALL?

It costs me about $100 to file both State and Federal taxes with TurboTax, and I have never had an issue with the IRS, and I've received my refund very quickly- once, only three days after official Approval.  So again, I have ZERO problem with TurboTax itself.  But these "do it for free" ads which pop up every. Single. January. are not particularly honest.  Simply put, you get what you pay for. And when it comes to something like taxes, it's worth a small investment to do it right.  

Saturday, January 15, 2022

MassMutual suggests this guy's family is out to get him, but wants to check some boxes off first...


Well, I suppose the FIRST thing that would happen if these ridiculous ghouls get their obvious wish and the breadwinner of the family is injured and has to miss work is....they have to go out and get jobs to keep the mortgage payments on that ridiculous house current.  Seriously, I see at least three potential paychecks here other than this guy being hounded to do something before he inevitably gets injured (or gets scurvy.)  And if their combined efforts can't keep that house, well, they are living beyond their means and I really don't care.   And neither should he.  

Friday, January 14, 2022

Tom Brady wont' be there to bail you out when the bubble bursts, Crypto-Idiots!


The radio version of these stupid Crypto Scam ads starts with "everyone is getting into crypto!  Are you?" which makes negative sense to even ask; if "everyone" is getting into crypto, doesn't that mean that I'm getting into crypto By Definition?  Or is that ad actually asking me if I am not part of the set of people which includes "everyone?"

In this particular commercial we are told that Tom Brady and his wife- sitting in one of their ridiculous palaces, with more money than they could possibly spend- are "in" on putting a sliver of their vast fortune into an imaginary non-asset whose value is entirely built on hype well mixed with confusion and greed.  Which is just fine for Tom Brady, who won't even notice the next time Bitcoin drops from $50000 per unit to $30000 because Elon Musk accidentally drops a truth bomb on late-night TV, but might be a bit more impactful for one of the millions of stupid knobs who move their retirement funds into something they can't even begin to comprehend because a quarterback who owns multiple vacation homes and is married to a supermodel sort-of endorsed it in a commercial once. 

I'm not "in."  I will never be "in" until there's some semblance of regulation connected to this crypto-stupidity.  But then, what do I know about investing?  I probably would have missed out on that awesome tulip deal back in the 1630s, too. 

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

Chevy Silverado plays the Helicopter Dad Trope. Because we can't ever get enough of that, can we?


So this guy was willing to invite his daughter's boyfriend on their little trip to the Great Outdoors, but considers holding hands in the back seat "funny business?"  Jeeeeesus, buddy- you guys Jehovah's Witnesses or what?  If you are so worried about this kid that you need to use half a dozen cameras (none of which show the back seat, interestingly enough, making pointing out that you have these cameras kind of a moot point) why did you invite him along?  You DO know that this boy is your daughter's BOYFRIEND and not her BROTHER, right? 

I also notice that Mom seems to have no problem with with what is "going on" in the back seat.  See, that's because Mom is Totally Cool and sees her daughter as a daughter and not a possession, like Dads do.  As the cool kids say nowadays, this is so cringe. 

Sunday, January 9, 2022

Jamie Foxx: From Oscar Winner to Addiction Enabler?


Way back in 2004, Jamie Foxx won an Oscar for his portrayal of the inexplicably overrated Ray Charles in the equally inexplicably overrated film Ray.   In the 17 years since that breakout performance, Foxx has starred in twenty-nine films- most of dubious quality, but many of which have been box-office smashes and combined have brought well over $2 billion in revenue, has made multiple television appearances besides this commercial, and has his own programming on Sirius/XM radio.  His net worth is currently estimated at $150 million.  

And here he is, hamming it up for a gambling app designed to make it effortless for its users to spark  and grow a gambling addiction which in 99 percent of its "customers" will lead to far more financial distress than growth.   Because someone handed him another fistful of money to throw on the already-massive pile, and Mr. Foxx clearly doesn't give a damn who suffers because they bought in to this con.

Nobody would praise MGM if it was promoting a meth addiction, but far more people lose their livelihoods every year to a gambling addiction than will ever even TRY meth.  Go to hell, MGM, and please take Jamie Foxx with you.  And btw I'd like to apologize to Shaquille O'Neal, Joe Namath, JJ Walker, George Foreman and all the other Anything For A Buck spokeschoads who lent their names to soulless hucksters, because you are all saints compared to Jamie Foxx, Ben Affleck, and anyone else who rents out their name to pitch this life-destroying crap. 

Saturday, January 8, 2022

SoFi is So 21st Century America, it's almost scary



Seriously, there are so many of these stupid "dance because you can pretend to not be living on the margins of poverty" ads for the SoFi banking app, I might end up doing an entire series on them. 

Look what these people are flipping out over:  

1.  Getting their paycheck two days earlier than when they were just using their regular banking system.  Who celebrates something like this by cavorting around?  I'll tell you who:  Someone who is living paycheck to paycheck and who goes through the stress of wondering if that paycheck is going to hit their bank account before the bills do every two weeks.  

2.  Moving all of their debts to one place, Part I:  know who celebrates something like this by spinning in place and throwing their arms into the air in triumph?  I'll tell you who:  People who have so MANY bills that they spend one evening every two weeks struggling to figure out which one to pay off and which ones to pay the minimum on.  OR, struggling to figure out which ones to pay the minimum on and which ones to take a penalty for non-payment on, dinging up that already-practically-totaled credit score just a little bit more.

3.  Moving all of their debts to one place, Part II (AKA Getting a Debt Consolidation Agreement-it's a LOAN, but SoFi doesn't call it that.)  Know who reacts to being approved for a Robbing Peter to Pay Paul shell game like this by prancing around like a moron who has lost all his self-respect and (worse) wants everyone to know it?  I'll tell you who:  People who have given up living within their means and who think that writing one check for $500 per month is better than writing 11 checks totaling $490 per month because psychologically it feels like less money, and they are all about the Feels, which is why they can't manage their expenses/wants in the first place. 

SoFi is pretty much the inevitable result of the consumer culture the Boomers passed on to their children and grandchildren.  That I don't care about the plight of the idiots who use it is pretty much the inevitable result of this Boomer reaching middle age.  


Friday, January 7, 2022

One of those "Do It For Me" Vaccine Conversation Ads


Ok, I don't really want to be too critical of these ads because the heart is definitely in the right place, though I am infuriated at the idea that we need to have calm, quiet conversations to assure people that taking a vaccine that has saved millions of lives from a disease which has killed millions more is, in fact, the "right decision for me."

Here we've got a woman who is concerned about her ability to have a baby in the future.  Could the vaccine possibly effect that?  She's "heard things" that have left her confused and worried about this issue.  Not from doctors, you can be sure- but still, she's "heard things."  And here's an actual doctor to assure her that the fears she's picked up from her tag team of medical experts, Dr. Google, Dr. Tiktok and Dr. Facebook, are misplaced and that the vaccine is, in fact, safe.  

Since this "concerned" woman is pretty fixated on the reproduction issue, the nice doctor might remind her that while the vaccine will not threaten her ability to safely give birth to a healthy child, there are two other factors that may very well do so.  One is getting COVID.  The second is being morbidly obese.  (I'm sorry, but this young woman must have a BMI of at least forty.  She clearly wants to have kids.  She clearly wants to have a safe, healthy pregnancy and- I presume- to be active in the lives of her offspring.  Yes, get the vaccine.  But also, get moving and eating properly, for chrissakes.  Seriously.)

Sunday, January 2, 2022

State Farm appreciates Aaron Rodgers more than Good Neighbors, or Social Responsibility


It started with him failing to run in what would have been a go-ahead score in the NFC title game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, instead throwing an incomplete pass rather than risk a collision.  

A few moments later, the Packers settled for a field goal which left their defense forced to rely on a stoppage of Tom Brady with two minutes left in the game.  That turned out the way it normally does; Brady got the Bucs a first down and ran out the clock.

A few minutes after that, Rodgers decided to stab his coach in the back by blaming him for the decision to take the field goal instead of going for  the touchdown from inside the 10-yard line on fourth and goal.  Because Rodgers can't veto his coach.  Of course he can't.  Uh huh.

For a few months after that, Rodgers told pretty much everyone he could find that he wanted out of Green Bay.  I mean, the guy spent all spring and a good deal of the summer whining about wanting his walking papers.  He trashed his coach, his team, and did pretty much everything except get himself a COVID shot leading into the NFL preseason.

Then he showed up in a Green Bay uniform and lead his team to one of it's best seasons of the 21st century.  And contracted COVID, and then announced he was unvaccinated after spending months telling everyone that he "had immunity"- you know, like any unmasked moron in the McDonald's Drive-Thru screaming at the cashier would do.  His "personal decision" put his family, his teammates, and pretty much everyone else he came into contact with at risk, but I guess that's why they call it Freedom.

And during all of this, State Farm didn't blink an eye.  Here's Aaron Rodgers doing his usual schtick for them, yukking it up with his grinning brown-nosing stalker Jake basically doing another audition to be the next full-time host of Jeopardy.  No masks to be seen.  Come to think of it, "Nothing to See Here" might as well be State Farm's motto.  Sure fits better than "Like a Good Neighbor"- for both State Farm AND Aaron Rodgers.

Saturday, January 1, 2022

Let's start the year with this dumb AT&T "lollipop" ad, shall we?


It's actually pretty impressive that this commercial features more than one customer in an AT&T store- we can clearly see another sales monkey providing service to another customer in the blurry background- making this instantly one of the more realistic AT&T ads I've seen in years.  

Ok, enough with the positive notes.  Now on to the rest of this stupid commercial:

What Lily is explaining is reasonable enough to someone who just wants to be sold a product after pretending to be convinced; she responds to "but isn't everyone offering the best package" with "they SAY they are, but those packages aren't really the BEST."  It's a done deal at that point- it's pretty obvious that this awful couple with a pair of awful children didn't walk unmasked* into an AT&T store to compare deals and were just doing the absolute bare minimum of "research" before handing over their credit card.  But then Lily decides to be a condescending idiot by giving a "demonstration" which "explains" the difference between a GOOD deal and a REALLY GOOD deal, I guess because she thinks she's selling these phones to those kids and not their parents.   And it's not dumb enough that the kids are swayed with big lollipops handed out by a total stranger; Dad wants one too.  Because that's the punchline.  Because nobody doesn't know Funny like AT&T.

*In all of the other AT&T ads I've seen in the past two years, we've been shown one customer and one or maybe two AT&T sales monkeys explaining deals to him/her.  Sometimes they've been wearing masks, but for most of 2020 we didn't even see that.  Now we've got multiple customers and salespeople and no masks.  I guess AT&T is bored with Reality and ready to move on.  Maybe that company really does have the pulse of America.