Sunday, October 31, 2021

Obnoxious even for a Charles Schwab Commercial, and that's really saying something.


1.  This couple's new Charles Schwab broker can't see the Former Broker, except perhaps as a tiny image in the distance.  Online conferences don't work this way.  When the new broker says "hi" and waves, she's just assuming that her clients aren't insane and that there really is someone there to say "hi" to.  

2.  The new broker probably thinks her clients are insane.  Who could be so dickish as to do something like this?  "Oh hi, person we fired.  Say hi to the person who replaced you."  Seriously,  I'd just tell these people "f-- off, former clients.  I'm on vacation."

3.  And as long as I'm imagining what I would do if I were the Former Broker, I'd remind these dicktards that they are on vacation at a fabulous beach...and this person they are talking to on their little screen is their NEW broker.  That means that I wasn't doing such a bad job now, was I?  You ungrateful jackasses got yourself a gorgeous beach vacation but I guess that wasn't quite good enough, because you dumped me for a new broker who has done what exactly for you?  Snark on me if you are back at this vacation spot NEXT year, after you've given this new broker a chance to play with your money for a while.  And if you find that you aren't in the financial position to vacation here next year, well, sorry but my client list is full.  Go pound sand, you knobs!

Saturday, October 30, 2021

Bounty, the Quicker Bringer-Downer could, you know...just PICK UP THE LOTTERY TICKET.  Instead of screaming like a banshee as that liquid moves in slow motion toward it.

And because this is a commercial depicting life in the United States, we see a fat doofus jackass with an enormous house winning the lottery.  Never mind that people who own houses like this are the LEAST likely to be paying the Stupid Tax that is the lottery.  I mean, he's already got so much money that his long-suffering wife doesn't seem the slightest bit excited that potentially millions have been added to their already overflowing bank account.  

Friday, October 29, 2021

Santa Fe Squeegee Commercial is all kinds of Wrong

Wow, how f--ng entitled can you get?

This isn't complicated, you pompous moron:  If you want to use this gas station's services, you're going to have to make a purchase.  Squeegees and window washer and paper towels cost money.  Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, but it sure as hell means something to the guy who is operating this station on a paper-thin profit margin.  He doesn't run this place to give you somewhere to pull into, take up a space that could be used by paying customers, and consume products you aren't paying for.  What the actual hell- do you casually walk into stores to use the restrooms, swipe sugar packets from 7-11 and ketchup from McDonald's and respond "oh I've already got coffee/food, I'm good, I don't need anything thanks for asking?"  You really do think the world revolves around you and your virtue-signaling hybrid, don't you?

By the way, the hard-working gas station attendant who will never be able to afford a car like that wasted way too much time arguing with you about the use of HIS squeegee- much more time than I would have.  About the second time you repeated "no gas no squeegee?" I'm pretty sure I would have responded by telling you to pile your privileged ass back into your car and hit the road.  Instead he played along, and you thanked him for his patience by buying fifty cents worth of gas and giving him a smirk which was essentially a middle finger.  You could have at least bought a candy bar, but I suspect you would have insisted on carrying off fifty napkins and a plastic knife for your patronage.  

Sunday, October 24, 2021

That Lexus "Bearsquatch" commercial leaves me wishing for a flat tire and a pack of hungry bearsquatches...


Elitist Suburban White Family can't be happy just cruising around their neighborhood of million-dollar homes with their brand-new tricked-out Lexus; they have to use it to barrel through the home of countless woodland creatures, driving over what looks to be a hiking path and most certainly isn't a road at maybe 30 or 40 MPH.  While the narrator says something about "responsibility."  Yeah, something doesn't add up there.

Anyway, faux-rugged (check out the unbuttoned flannel shirt and five-days growth) Husband is listening to some podcast about an imaginary creature called a "Bearsquatch," because I guess this is something you're "supposed" to do while illegally plowing through the woods in your LookAtMeTank instead of, oh, I don't know, keeping your attention on the Not-Road you're on to make sure you don't run over something alive or- more importantly- put unnecessary scratches or (perish the thought) dents in that Conspicuous Consumption Middle Finger To the Planet you're driving.  

And this is where the "funny conflict" in the commercial pops up to take the place of any actual information concerning the vehicle featured.  The way-too-old-for-this-scenario pale, freckled, spineless product of Mom and Dad's DNA in the back seat announces that the mention of "bearsquatch" has caused him to wet his pants with fear and very badly want his security blankee.   This lets the viewer know that, once again, Dad has Failed as a Parent for listening to a Very Scary Podcast that will give his offspring nightmares.

"He's usually asleep" dad alibis.  Oh, really?  Your son "usually" sleeps through your jaunts through forests?  Maybe the constant bumps causing the car to go temporarily airborne woke him up this time? Or do you mean "he's usually asleep" during car rides, just figuring that it didn't matter if the vehicle he was in was crashing through a wilderness area or negotiating Entitlement Court and Whitebread Lane on the way home from soccer practice?

"He'll never sleep again" snarks Mom in her best "it's a good thing you have money because that's the only reason I married you dumbf--k" voice.  Mom looks for all the world like she's only in this car because Going Along for the Ride is literally part of her job as Good TrophyWife, with the other part represented by that kid in the back seat.  Yes, this 12-year old kid will "never sleep again" because he heard a few seconds of a podcast about an imaginary monster while cruising around in a Lexus in the Middle of the Freaking Day with his parents.   Because 12-year old kid is made out of Putty, Pediasure and Mommy's Apron Strings. 

The commercial ends with Hubby wondering if he couldn't do better than a nasty, overly-protective, ungrateful shrew when he went shopping for a trophy wife 13 years ago, Wife wishing she had just bit her tongue because after all, this is a damn nice Lexus, and son trying to find a towel to wipe off his seat before the smell reaches his parents and they realize they have to get the family pride and joy detailed again. 

Saturday, October 23, 2021

I've got one finger for you, FingerHut


This just may be the most aggressively stupid commercial I've ever seen, and it's just barely tolerable if you don't watch it with the sound on.  No, let me take that back; it's not tolerable even with the sound off.  If you keep it muted AND dim the TV to the point where the screen is black, now we're talking.

This whole awful pile of steaming trash features a bunch of people with poor credit celebrating the fact that they've found a company willing to sell them stuff at high interest rates, drawing them in with the promise that this will help them "build credit."  "Building Credit," according to Fingerhut, means Buying Things on Credit.  Is "paying your bill on time, every time" included in this little lesson being given to children in adult bodies who should have learned how to control their spending a long, long time ago?  Don't know- because it's on mute- but I seriously doubt it.  I mean, come on- if these morons knew how to handle their money properly, they wouldn't be orgasmic over the ability to buy a lawn mower, and they wouldn't be going wild with joy over buying dozens of other things (like all that grill gear) that they don't really need.  Seems to me that these people don't really need to be told the joy of buying on credit, because they experienced that quite some time ago and it's exactly why they are suckers for come-ons from Fingerhut, everyone's favorite warehouse for overpriced garbage that people with decent credit - or, god forbid, CASH- buy at regular stores.  What they need is a cold, hard slap in the face and a reminder that Fingerhut- like every other company that extends credit- isn't in the business of loaning money and not getting it back.  That lawn mower you're having so much fun with needs to be paid for, you stupid woman.  That grill that lets you pretend that you're in the stable middle class for your neighbors has to be paid for too, you pathetic, financially illiterate man.

I'm willing to bet that the production of this commercial was closely tied to the disbursement of stimulus checks over the past 18 months.  A lot of people living paycheck to paycheck- but still working- suddenly found themselves with some extra cash, did a little extra shopping, and found that they really enjoyed the sensation of being able to buy something without putting off an electric bill payment or dodging the Rent A Center Repo guy.  Now that the extra money has run out, these people are desperate to hold on to that illusion of prosperity goosed by the $2000 or so which just fell out of the sky last year.  Their credit rating is still in the toilet, so Fingerhut is their only option if they want to keep Spending and Pretending.  Just a theory from someone who- Thank Heavens for a Stable Career- has never gone near Fingerhut, Aaron's, Rent A Center or any other dealer of  Temporary Pain Killers for Poor People. 

Friday, October 22, 2021

This Serena Williams/Streaming Video/Whatever Commercial celebrates America's dwindling attention span


I used to enjoy going to movies, but I very rarely do anymore.  I've probably been in an actual movie theater less than a dozen times this century.  And it's not because going to a movie is only slightly less expensive than attending a major league baseball game.  It's because I can't remember the last time I was able to watch an entire film without being distracted by someone's glowing cell phone, inexplicably pulled out because (I guess) the movie just couldn't hold the viewer's attention (or, more likely, desperate need for new stimulus generated by electronics-induced Attention Deficit Disorder.)

I assume it costs significantly more to attend a professional tennis match.  Yet if I read this commercial correctly, the people in the crowd who paid big bucks to watch Serena Williams hit a ball simply don't find the action on the court compelling enough and are scrolling through their devices to find horror movies, cartoons, ANYTHING ELSE to distract them from the sporting event they paid to witness.  Which kind of makes me wonder why they are there.  Just like I wonder why the person sitting two rows down from me paid $15 or more to sit in a dark room with total strangers and play with their f---ng phones.  Give me a break.  Please.

Sunday, October 17, 2021

Taco Bell was the best choice of evils here


As near as I can figure from watching this commercial no less than a dozen times over the course of two baseball playoff games yesterday, here is the storyline:  

A very pretty girl is at one of those cliche'd parties at the beach featuring irresponsible young people sitting around a fire drinking beer.  Maybe it's because I live on the East Coast and have never been to a West Coast beach after dark, but I've never seen this in real life.  I've never been to a beach which allows fires or alcohol at any time of day.  But whatever, I see this enough on television to convince me that somewhere there are beaches that allow this, and these young people are at least not breaking the law.  They are just being asshats who are more than likely to leave burning embers and empty beer bottles and other trash on the beach when they leave.

Ok, Boomer rant over.  Next we see a typical tv greasy Eurotrash wannabee eyeing that very pretty girl and finally making eye contact.  Because this is television, the girl isn't at all weirded out at being stared at by this guy despite the fact I get the strong sense that they aren't a couple (I mean, they aren't sitting next to each other.)  More like when Daniel LaRusso makes eye contact with Ally and won't break it off until she smiles back.  But at least they were just stupid teenagers.  Plus, it was the eighties, and everything was allowed back in the eighties.

Come to think of it, they had an open fire at the beach, too.  So I guess beach fires are just a thing in California.

Anyway, these people who seem to have just met go running into the surf together, and seem on the verge of kissing.  For some reason, a loud gong goes off which I'm guessing is just symbolic- the "gong" is the pretty girl's stomach letting her know that she's hungry (I guess they had alcohol but no snacks in front of that fire.  That's pretty stupid.  There's no end of snacks that go well with beer, kids.)  She dumps the guy to head off to Taco Bell like she's in a trance- like she's one of the Eloi and it's time to give herself to the Morlocks. 

I mean, if the sudden desire for a greasy taco from America's favorite provider of cheap grease and carbs wasn't so irresistible, she might have brought the guy along to pay at least.  And then he'd have more insight into this girl he's into- she likes Taco Bell.  I don't know how he'd translate this- is she just totally tasteless, or is she a cheap date?- but at least she'd still have the five bucks or so she spent on this late-night calorie bomb.  Then again, by dumping Eurotrash she's significantly decreased her odds of ending the night pregnant.  So for once, I applaud the decision to choose Taco Bell.

Saturday, October 16, 2021

Hulu has Live TV. Maybe you should turn it off and act Alive yourself?


Look, I'm not trying to be (excessively) mean here, but this woman is the last person in the world who should be looking for more excuses to become more and more part of that chair whose springs she's torturing.  How about you sell that chair, cancel your Hulu (and Netflix, and Amazon Prime, and heck- while we're at it, Cable) and use that money to buy yourself a Peloton Bike or maybe a gym membership?  You know, before you succumb to diabetes, heart disease, or any number of ailments that are all but inevitable if you insist on being a couch potato zombie looking for excuses to avoid moving?

Friday, October 15, 2021

A commercial of the Weird Kind


So a person waiting at the airport decides to have a snack and pulls a Kind Bar out of her bag.  She takes a bite and two things happen:

First, she's so inspired that she imagines herself establishing World Peace.  

Second, she can't remember what her name is.  

I don't know- if taking a bite out of Kind Bar causes severe memory loss, I don't care how good it tastes.  I'm not eating it!

Sunday, October 10, 2021

Death Wish Coffee and Capitalism: Because "Off the Clock" is such a 20th Century Concept


Never mind the fact that this commercial features the abuse of a lowly employee at the hands of her demanding, slave-driving boss.  I just gotta love how it ends with the lowly employee acting as if she's triumphed over her boss by successfully Jumping when he called to order her to Jump.  You go, girl! 

Workers of the World Unite- if your boss is going to crack the whip and make you work through the wee hours  instead of, oh, you know, respecting the fact that you are an employee and not an indentured servant and you work for a set wage that covers a set amount of time, you should put your foot down and (politely) demand that he stock plenty of Death Wish Coffee so you can stimulate your heart and shorten your life span before you proceed to make him slightly wealthier at the expense of your health.  It's the one Stimulus Package he's willing to provide without bitching about "Socialism" and the death of Free Enterprise, after all.* 

But yeah, enjoy that superior smile.  Short of a decent Union, it's pretty much your only reward for your night of drug-enabled hard work.  Do yourself a favor and don't reflect on the fact that your boss got a good night's sleep, and expects you to put in another hard day's work on another Very Important Project today.  Make sure you've got plenty of Death Wish Coffee for the office Keurig machine. 

*Oh, who are we kidding?  We all know that next to those coffee pods is a jar for the one-dollar-per-cup "contribution" expected of the people who use them.  The boss has his own Keurig machine - which you are not to touch, ever- back in his office. 

Saturday, October 9, 2021

Never mind Big Brother. Netflix is watching us now.


There's so much off-putting (maybe just plain "gross" is the better way to put it?) here, I hardly know where to begin.  Not a good start, Netflix.

I mean, we are being "treated" to a talking remote control that is angry that this (appropriately yet predictably diverse) couple keeps "pushing it's buttons."  You've got one job, Mr. Remote Control.  If you're bitter that you are constantly having to do your One Job, maybe suicide is a reasonable option.  Can you reach your own battery door to slide it out and remove those batteries?  I think that would do it. 
I guess this is supposed to be cute, but seriously, it isn't at all.  

But then it just gets worse.  The remote has kept close tabs on what this couple is watching, and is willing to turn on one of them to generate conflict.  All these people have is their shared television viewing, so the female is quickly triggered by the discovery that her male significant other is watching television (cheating?) behind her back.  Maybe she thought he was at the gym or doing something about that spare tire he's carrying, like he said he was, instead of being immobile as usual in front of the Idiot Box With 60 Million Hours of Viewing Possibilities.  Seriously, this guy is a chonker and he does NOT need another excuse to spend any more time zombied-out on the couch.  But no, she's just annoyed that he "experienced" god knows how many more hours of some witless Netflix Original Series Garbage without her, like he's having an affair or something.  (Hell, when your relationship revolves around "sharing" TV shows, what's the difference between watching something on your own and having an affair anyway?)

The "happy ending" involves Netflix basically taking their viewing history and just starting them off on another marathon of time-wasting, intimacy-avoiding BS courtesy of everyone's favorite contribution to the obesity and social isolation pandemics.  And all because we think that a streaming "service" that uses complicated algorithms to place us in an endless loop of predictable, non-threatening, non-challenging generic "entertainment" is the triumph of Western Civilization.  Well, at least these people are unlikely to breed, having used up their fertile years on 16 seasons of whatever Carbon Copy Magic Sword Adventure Nonsense Netflix decided they should be watching instead.

Friday, October 8, 2021

Taco Bell starts the damage with the rising sun? Who knew?


I have NO IDEA who Lil Nas X is, what he does for a living, or what the deal is with his name.  Nor do I care, so please, don't feel like you need to tell me.  I don't even want to know if I'm using the correct pronouns.  I'll never type that name again, so I won't have to worry about it, ok?

I also have no idea how sad someone's life would have to get if they find themselves dreaming about whatever war crime Taco Bell is offering this week on their breakfast menu.  I didn't even know Taco Bell HAD a breakfast menu.  Of course, I don't really know anything about Taco Bell's NON-BREAKFAST menu beyond what I see on commercials either, so.....

I'm left with just one question.  How long does this woman think she's going to be able to live her dream of starting her days with Taco Bell breakfast whatever the hell this is sandwiches before she starts to experience serious health issues?  

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

Dominos reminds us that we get what we pay for


First of all, where's a sniper when you need one?  I see anyone standing on a roof shouting at the neighborhood that America's favorite crappy cardboard-flavored-dough and sugar delivery system is offering free non-food with every order of non-food made through their App, and I give any Second Amendment Loving American permission to take aim and fire away.  

Second, the last thing most of the people in this ad need is easy access to the garbage offered by Dominos.  They already look exhausted, listless, bored-- yeah, just the perfect customers for bland white dough, gummy cheese and- "best" of all- heavy lumps of sugar-topped "chocolate" whatever-the-hell-those-atrocities-are.  Good idea, Upper Middle Class Suburbanites- don't shop and cook.  Just scroll and tap.  And get this nonsense showing up at your door.  Getting your body to ingest it will be very easy- because these chemical baskets are designed to be easily digested.  Getting your body to extract anything of value from it will be pretty damn close to impossible, because you can't get blood from a stone or nutrition from any of the disgusting calorie bombs produced by Dominos.

But wow, it's so easy to order.  And check out the free stuff.  

Sunday, October 3, 2021

What's the deal with your Rib Sandwich ad, Arby's?


Can someone at Arby's explain why this commercial is being shouted at us?  I mean, it's an ad for a pork sandwich.  Why are you trying to make it such a big deal, featuring a guy with an over-the-top booming voice that has me lunging for the volume button every time it comes on?  What's that all about? It sounds like I'm about to be treated to a documentary about the creation of a life-shortening carb and fat delivery system.

It's not like he's describing anything truly remarkable here.  I don't care if it "looks" like a rack of ribs.  I'm sure it tastes....ok.  That is, not like a rack of ribs, but what I'd expect a pork sandwich to taste like if I ever got one at Arby's.  And whatever that is, it sure as hell isn't worth roaring over.

Saturday, October 2, 2021

Point of Personal Privilege: "Some Kind of Wonderful" is one of the worst films ever


It's not the WORSE film ever- heck, it's not even the worst film of it's decade (that "honor" goes to St. Elmo's Fire, which has been analyzed to death for it's loathsome characters, garbage story, and throwaway nonsense 'Happy Ending.')  But as a teen romance that is supposed to be heartfelt, inspiring, and whatever else characterized the era that gave us the Slow Clap, it's truly awful, and I'm going to take a break from trashing commercials today to tell you exactly why.  

(By the way, I especially hate this film because I was working at a Video Rental Store when it was released on VHS and I had to watch it on the store's TV at least two or three times a day for about three weeks.)

(Also by the way, this post was inspired by a discussion on another thread, which is why the following is in a different font- it's literally cut-and-pasted.  I'm kind of lazy plus there's a football game starting in an hour I'd like to get to.)

In 1987's Some Kind of Wonderful, Eric Stoltz's character (Keith) is best friends with Mary Stuart Masterson's character (Watts) and oblivious to the fact that Watts loves him because they are "just friends" and anyway Keith is infatuated with Amanda Jones (Leah Thompson.) Keith displays incredible cruelty toward his "friend" by borrowing her car to give Amanda a ride home, getting Watts to help him practice kissing, and finally using her feelings for him to get her to agree to be his chauffer for a date with Amanda (which Watts does even after repeatedly calling him out on his asshattery, because she's a pathetic doormat.)  Oh, and Keith withdraws his college fund to buy Amanda earrings for their first and quite possibly only date.  Because if he can't charm her, maybe he can buy her?

In the end, Keith doesn't actually realize that Watts is his true love- he gets dumped by Amanda, who decides that while she's grateful for being shown that her relationship with the Evil Rich Kids was toxic, that doesn't mean she wants to be with her Knight in Shining Armor, but that she wants to be Independent. Only then- when he's been abandoned by his Dream Girl in the middle of the street, does he remember that hey, he knows this other girl and she's crazy about him, so he runs over to her and gives her the earrings that were returned to him by Amanda. This is the "happy ending"= Keith failing to win his true love, and Settling for the woman who is willing to be kicked in the teeth repeatedly by the guy she can't stop crushing on no matter how emotionally abusive he is.

This film was seen as "romantic and sweet" in the era of St Elmo's Fire, but it's not hard to see how ugly and manipulative and cruel it is today. 

Ok, back to commercials tomorrow.  Probably.

Friday, October 1, 2021

John Cena, Experian Boost, and this "Mind Control" ad


"This App is Garbage!  They're just trying to con you into thinking that there's an easy way to improve your credit score!  Don't buy into their easy answers!

The way to REALLY improve your credit score is with THIS App from MY company!"

Uh huh.  Hey Mr. Cena, unless your App tells people to pay all their bills on time, every time, and keep the percentage of credit used in the single-digits, and avoid opening up new credit unless absolutely necessary, your App is just garbage with a different label, sorry. 

Meanwhile, why didn't you do The Marine II, III or IV?  You think you're too big for Direct-To-DVD, but not too big to sell out to BS Boost-your-Credit "services" like this?  Please.