Sunday, March 27, 2022

Samsung Galaxy 22: Make the night Epic by...umm...doing nothing?


So I guess this phone comes with permission to just intrude on everyone's privacy - excuse me, "capture" and "share" their "moments"- because You Can?  The only way this commercial- and this trend- has a happy ending is if this kid and every other time-wasting loser with a flashy electronic toy gets a bloody nose and that flashy electronic toy shoved up his nether regions for presuming that everyone wants to be filmed every second of the day, 24/7.  

Meanwhile, I am so very Over living in a world in which I'm surrounded by idiots more interested in recording and sharing than actually experiencing.   So, apparently, is at least one poster who comments on this video on YouTube.  Unfortunately, we're completely surrounded by pointless, witless gush, at least some of which I hope is simply bought and paid for by Samsung.  But seriously, what the hell is the matter with you people?

Saturday, March 26, 2022

That truly disgusting MassMutual Insurance Commercial


I mean, no wonder the comments are turned off for this one.

I watched this one multiple times, because I could not believe that the message that seemed to be coming through clear as a bell to me was actually the message intended by the makers of this ad, but I've come to the conclusion that it is:  the parents of these children are convinced that the three offspring they've had so rock stupid that

1.  Never mind hoping that they establish successful careers that will allow them to financially support their parents*; these kids will be living off the leftover Happy Meals their bosses let them take home when their shifts are over, or

2.  These kids aren't even going to live to SEE adulthood.  They'll kill themselves by knocking down wasp nests or being crushed in lawn chairs,** or they'll be permanent dependents themselves. 

And the solution these two witless choads come up with (before finally deciding that maybe they should live in the 21st century where adults living in the Western World do NOT plan on living off their kids when they retire?***) To maybe try again with another kid?  Yeah, I can see where these kids got those genes.  These "parents" are real-life Pattersons, raising numb, unstimulated, largely ignored idiots and expecting them to turn into money machines through some magic unseen agency that does not involve Said Parents.  I really doubt that by "try again" he means "have another baby and do a much, much better job raising it."  Thanks for the Hate, MassMutual.

*I know adults who expect their parents to finance their lives, but I have never met a parent who expects their kid to.

**Are these parents hoping that these kids accidentally kill themselves?  I mean, two of them looks like they are about to get seriously injured, and the parents act like they seriously could not give a damn- nothing is going to interrupt their Musing with Coffee Time.

***Again, I know retired adults who live off THEIR parents.  I don't know any parents who PLAN on living off their kids.  Because, again, this is the Western World and it's the 21st Century.

Thursday, March 24, 2022

Apple Presents: Privilege High


So the only thing that mattered in this student election was who had the better (read:  more expensive) tech and who was willing to spend the most money on campaign merch.  Another reason I'm so very, very glad I was in High School in the 1980s and not today.  Back then, to get elected all you needed to do was be the quarterback of the football team, prettiest girl in the class or the principal's pet.  Not a perfect system by any means, but still much better than this strategy which basically eliminates any student who doesn't have an unlimited bank account from even competing.*

*Come to think of it, maybe this commercial does teach something about modern elections. 

Sunday, March 20, 2022

Taco Bell: Infinity is Wasted on the Wrong People!


1.  Yes, we've all seen Groundhog Day.  I mean, it's been thirty years.  We've all seen it, and a whole lot of us have seen it more than once.  It was just ok.

2.  If I found myself in an endless time loop, where nothing I did had any consequences at all and I would just be doing a Reset when the clock struck midnight, I suppose I probably WOULD engage in really dangerous, potentially life-threatening behaviors like riding a dune buggy at high speeds without a helmet.  But eating at Taco Bell?  Naw, life's STILL too short. 

3.  What is the utility of the "nacho fries limitation whatever I'm not watching this again" thing?  Is it Taco Bell's "clever" way of telling us that it recognizes that if you make Nacho Fries part of your daily diet, you might as well be leaping sand dunes in a buggy without a helmet?  

4.  Remember when Bill Murray bemoans the fact that Groundhog's Day is the day he keeps repeating, when he's had absolutely amazing days he'd LOVE to repeat?  Well, here we've got a woman who can do "anything" and for all the interesting crazy adventures she's shoving into her infinite days, the one common thread seems to be a visit to the Taco Bell drive-thru for hot crunchy grease.  She isn't even trying exotic foods, let alone doing any of the really practical things that Murray did with his opportunity (he learned a foreign language and how to ice sculpt, as well as mastering the piano when he wasn't saving people from falling out of trees, fixing flat tires, and feeding a homeless guy.)  This woman is being so incredibly shallow and selfish with her infinite time- as well as being completely happy with it until she's confronted with actual danger in the form of WHATEVER I JUST SAID I'M NOT WATCHING THIS AGAIN.  There's no Life Lesson she needs to learn to get moving forward with her life again; it doesn't even look like she's interested in moving forward because hey, as long as she's stuck in this loop she can continue to stuff hot salty carbs into her stupid mouth. 

Nobody Outstupids the Hut, either.

I wonder if there was "one shining moment" when these stupid choads imagined something other than being disgusting, obese couch potatoes waxing poetic about nonsense in between waxing poetic about their favorite carbs, fat and sugar delivery system while sitting really, really close together on a couch which looks plenty big enough to allow them to have some wheezing space.  

Saturday, March 19, 2022

I just Can't with this Buick "Iggy" commercial


I mean, is Buick just trolling us now?  This awfulness starts with Obvious Trophy Wife escorting her kids out of their multimillion-dollar suburban home to the car.  After one of the kids is in the car he actually asks "woah mom, is this your new Buick?"  What the actual hell?  How is Mom supposed to answer this question?

A)  "Yes, this is the car you got into, and I'm driving it, so it belongs to me.  Your mother did not steal a car."

B)  "Yes, I reminded your dad that I'm still hot and I'm sick of showing poorly for the other Trophy Wives on the block."  or

C)  "Yes, it's my new car.  Why did you get into it if you had any doubts?  Why did you not notice when I brought it home from the dealership yesterday?  Did you get into the paint chips again?"

And then one of her awful little brats is dealing with a cell phone that is almost completely dead.  She responds by telling her to put the phone in the Buick's charger (she has to keep saying "Buick," because that's what people do in Buick commercials.  They constantly remind everyone what kind of car they are driving, and that car is a Buick.  Because Buick isn't exactly the most-sought after car among people with multi-million-dollar suburban mansions, and Buick would like to change that.  Buick.

And I guess there's more drama with a lizard one of the kids is bringing to school for Reasons.  This becomes a big deal after the LookAtMeMobile pulls up to school and the kids get out and "the crowd starts screaming" for more Reasons.  

"How can you remain calm?" a fellow parent asks TrophyWife.  Possible answers include

A)  "What do you mean?  A lizard is loose outside my car.  I am about to drive away, leaving you with my kids.  Why shouldn't I be calm?"

B)  "Why are you talking as if you were along for the ride and you know about the MAYHEM THAT OCCURRED when Thing One mentioned facts about the lizard and Thing Two's phone was almost dead?  I mean, you weren't there to see that.  So you are asking me 'how can I remain calm' over a lizard being on the sidewalk?"

C)  "Look at my life.  There is zero reason for me to be upset about anything, ever."

Instead we get "massaging seats," which yeah we didn't hate you enough already, thanks for including that.  Now hurry along, you're late for your daily pedicure or whatever else you do to spend your time waiting for Sugar Daddy to come home and display the kind of genius that resulted in your stupid kids.  He'll probably ask something like "Hey Honey, is that your new Buick?"

Jake from State Farm seems to be slumming it lately

I mean, it's nice to see Jake hanging out with people who aren't multimillionaire sports figures for a change (it would be even nicer if we didn't see him hanging out with anyone at all but instead saw him in the office answering phones- you know, like a State Farm Employee actually does.  It would be nicer still to never, ever see him again in any capacity) but I think he should explain exactly why State Farm offers "surprisingly great rates."  Turns out that the sun is hot, the Pope is Catholic, and State Farm- while happy to collect those Surprisingly Great Rates, isn't all that interested in paying out those "losses" (which is what they call "Claims."  You know, that one and only benefit that comes with buying insurance.*)

*except for car insurance.  The other benefit derived from car insurance is that it makes it legal to drive your car.  Whether the insurance company pays claims or not.

Friday, March 18, 2022

I don't get the Ethos here


This woman doesn't need life insurance for her kids.  She needs life insurance AGAINST her kids.  And I'm sorry, but this is the year 2022- the SuperMom thing is over.  There's nothing special about a woman who has kids AND works outside the house.  It's the New Normal; hell, it's not even that New.   This woman needs to get over herself.  

Thursday, March 17, 2022

Tovala. It's Latin for Privilege.


Gotta love the slow-motion sprinkling of spices on to the fish- I guess if that convinces you you are actually cooking something and not just putting a pre-prepared, delivered meal into microwave (oh, excuse me, "Smart Oven,") more power to you, but come on.  This is pre-prepared, delivered meals you are just tossing into a heater.  You aren't doing ANYTHING.

For some reason, a full Weekly Meal Plan consists of 16 meals.  Do people not eat 3 meals a day anymore?  Judging from the size of the waistbands I've seen lately, we haven't been eliminating meals.  Anyway, 16 meals a week will run you $191.  Plus $299 for the "Smart Oven," which reads the QR code of your "menu card" so it knows what you want it to do.  At these prices, you'd think it could sprinkle spices on fish.  I mean, I'm busy and I paid good money for this. 

Anyway, what we have here is just more Privilege, delivered to the doorsteps of people who have money to burn.  But check out the comment posted under this ad which suggests that this is a great idea for people who are "stressed."  Oh please.  If you can afford this nonsense, you're "stressed" because you make plenty of money but have no idea how to budget.  Or, you're "stressed" because you're constantly looking for ways to one-up the neighbors and you already own a 2022 Audi. 

Sunday, March 13, 2022

Walt Disney World Resort: Get Ready for Disappointment 50 years in the making!


0:12- getting your parents to pay between $105-$124 to get your through the gate into Disney World is not going to grant you the ability to emit sparkling light from your hands or transform into a princess.  Demonic Powers are Not Included with Entry, sorry.

0:16- unless you are going to Disney World in the dead of winter- and even then- you aren't going to be doing a lot of running into exhibits.  You will, however, be doing a lot of standing in lines.  I love how Disney World is never even remotely crowded in these ads.  

0:19- that popcorn probably cost twenty bucks.  What spoiled rotten little brat. 

0:28- we discussed this just seconds ago.  Your entry fee does not include actual magical powers.  And that doesn't just preclude the power to emit light from your hands.  It also means you won't be making the other 58,000 (estimated daily average) visitors get out of your way when you want to run to attractions or hug underpaid college students dressed up like cartoon mice or part like the Red Sea when you want to go on Your Very Favorite Ride or stand in Exactly the Right Spot to Get That Picture in front of the fake Castle Just Like Those People On TV. 

This ad doesn't show the amazing Disney Resort that most of the people shown in these commercials stay at, but I'll add that if you do get mom and dad to take out a second mortgage and bring you to Disney World, the room you get won't actually include a spectacular view of the fake castle mentioned in the previous paragraph.  A personal visit from Tinker Bell is also not guaranteed and, in fact, extremely unlikely. 

By the way, none of this looks even closely related to Fun.  Maybe it's just me, but I'll take Hersheypark followed by dinner at Friendly's and a comfortable bed at the local Red Roof over this any day of the week and twice on Sundays.  And I won't have to take out a second mortgage to do it.  Win-win.

Saturday, March 12, 2022

Keebler Fudge Striped Cookies: Yet Another Trophy Wife Fail


When this woman throws back the towel to reveal...a box of store-bought Keebler cookies, not even out of the box, not even on a plate...I mean, I'm sorry, but the lack of effort is nothing less than astounding.  And the kid is so darned delighted to see that box of cookies- he's been trained well, I guess.  This kid knows not to expect homemade cookies.  He may not be aware that it's possible to buy cookie dough and bake the cookies yourself.  He may very well believe that cookies come from boxes, which come from the store.  Period.

And if the look of delight on the kid's face isn't depressing enough- take a look at how smug and satisfied Mommy and Daddy are.  Like they've just accomplished something awesome by...picking up a box of Keebler cookies at the local grocery store (hell, they probably had it delivered.)   And not even opening the box and putting them on a plate.  How awesome. 

Congratulations on training your kid to have such low expectations, people.  Most kids expect more.  

Friday, March 11, 2022

Sirius XM Radio: No Brain Cells Required


When I first saw this ad I had the sound off, and I thought it was just about the most racist commercial I'd ever seen.  Then I saw it with the sound on, and I still think it's pretty damn racist, even if it accurately portrays Kevin Hart doing his One-Note Kevin Hart schtick.   Just another bug-eyed, Permanently Astonished At Absolutely Nothing black guy reassuring white people that black guys are idiots put on earth for our entertainment. 

I guess the message is supposed to be "you can listen to Sirius XM anywhere."  But the message I get is "Kevin Hart is a rich moron with rich friends who hang around his huge house while Kevin Hart acts like a rich moron."  And the message I get from the comment section is....well, that we are pretty much screwed as a nation.  Because seriously, people!

Sunday, March 6, 2022

PowerFit Elite,* another gem from the Only Available on TV treasure chest...


"Because I've tried everything except get regular exercise and cut calories, and nothing works!"  Ok then...

Based on the backgrounds we see in this ad, not one of the dim bulbs who bought into the idea that a vibrating skateboard could burn fat and build muscle lacks the money to get a gym membership and personal trainer or the money AND the room to purchase actual exercise equipment.  And if they have time to stand on this stupid piece of crap, they have time to actually go to that gym or use that exercise equipment.  They have plenty of money and room.  What they lack is common sense and a willingness to accept that just as gaining weight and turning into a blob of Jell-o took time and effort, so does losing it and getting toned. 

There's simply no end to this garbage, is there?  From sauna suits to Thighmasters to this hilarious bit of nonsense, there's a bottomless market for Quick Fixes out there for people who are allergic to the notion of Calories In, Calories Out and REGULAR EXERCISE.  Thing is, this stupid piece of plastic probably has a weight limit, so most of the people who would be interested in purchasing it (and who probably don't look a THING like the people in this ad) will have to lose some weight BEFORE they can get on it without snapping it in two.   

*what's "elite" about it?  Oh my god, does that mean there's a previous version of this thing out there?  What does this one do that the original didn't?  I don't even want to hazard a guess.

Saturday, March 5, 2022

That Weird Gain commercial....


(No, not THAT one.  THIS one.  Ok, they are all weird.)

Clearly the only thing this woman has going on in her life is that her apartment building features the most spacious and best-kept laundry room in the planet.  I mean, this is IMPRESSIVE.  I'm guessing that she used to go into raptures every time she walked into it, but that thrill wore off, and now she's tripping over the smell of her laundry detergent.  And now she has nobody but herself to blame if her kids are ingesting Tide pods, because let's face it she isn't the best role model they could have had. 

Seriously, get a date, lady.  You are waaaay too lonely.

Friday, March 4, 2022

Speaking of Family Planning....

1.  I get that it's supposed to be funny, but are we really being asked to swallow the idea that this couple got married and had a dozen or so kids so that they would be eligible for a good family plan on their phones?  That's just awesome economics- save a hundred dollars a month by spending thousands of dollars a month.  Again, I know it's supposed to be funny, but it actually comes off as more than a little depressing when you see that this couple actually has zero interest in actually being parents to their offspring and look like they are absolutely miserable now that they realize that they could have landed that cheap phone plan without having all these awful, noisy little money vampires.

2.  Gorgeous little sister is living in her gorgeous, huge, spotlessly clean house with a cheap phone plan she clearly doesn't need.  I mean, my god, how much did that house cost?  This woman couldn't care less what her monthly phone bill is.  Please.