Friday, February 28, 2014

"All done singing 'Five Dollar Foot Longs?' Here's another jingle, sandwich monkeys."

Because in Subway's little fantasy world, it's jingles become instant beloved classics that we just can't get enough of.  We love them at least as much as we love our sandwiches drowning in salty, greasy "corn" chips.

Just one question- can I get this with half a pound or so of bacon?  Because as it appears here, I don't think it would kill me quite fast enough.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

For the first five seconds of this ad, I thought "focus" meant "extreme nearsightedness"

According to Five-Hour Energy what, exactly, is "focus?"

It's bringing your A-game.  It's taking it to the paint, and leaving nothing on the field.  It's giving it all you've got- 110 percent.  It's going All Out, and putting it all on the line.  It's Bringing It.  It's being Up to the Challenge, Not Backing Down, Kicking Butt and Taking Names.

In short, it's being able to bleat every hackneyed cliche ever invented and jamming it into a 30-second ad for caffeine-laden syrup which is totally unnecessary for anyone who eats a decent, balanced diet and gets regular exercise.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Meeting of the....ummm...."minds" Denny's

Here are two friends having a breakfast skillet at Denny's who have absolutely, positively NOTHING to say to each other.

"I told you you could create your own skillet," one says.  Uh-huh.  Well, you were proven right, weren't you?  I wonder how many months this guy had to push his friend to give in and try the Denny's create your own skillet deal, and how many conversations included "man, I just don't believe you" and a frustrated walk-off.

"I've never had a combination like this"-- wow, who the hell wrote this dialogue?  So two friends go eat breakfast and the only thing either of them can think to say is something about...the breakfast?  Really?

And we finish up with some lame-ass comment about haircut styles.  "You got to try something new..."  "you've had the same haircut since seventh grade!"  Oh, the hilarity.  And YOU'VE had the same idiot, boring friend and the same total inability to make small talk since god knows when.

Seriously, what the hell is this?  If I found myself eating breakfast with a friend and engaged in a conversation which was 100 percent about that breakfast, I'd start to wonder what was wrong with my life.  Of course, I've never once tried to talk someone into getting breakfast at Denny's, so maybe I just can't relate.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Cheerios Commercial Rewrite

"Gracie, you know how our family has mommy.....and daddy......."

Gracie: "Don't condescend me.  I can count.  I'm not three, for chrissakes, daddy.  You are about to use another Cheerio to indicate me, so let's cut to the chase, ok?"

Daddy:  "Um, ok.....well....we are about to add another....."

Gracie:  "Oh crap."

Daddy:  "You and your mommy and I... I mean, you are about have a baby brother."

Gracie:  "Oh, crap.  Another baby in the house?  How the hell did this happen?"

Daddy:  "Well, you see, honey, when Mommies and Daddies love each other and Daddy gets a little drunk, sometimes mommies forget that we agreed to stop at one, and then suddenly Mommy tells Daddy that she 'forgot' to take her birth control...."

Mommy:  "Excuse me?  I was plastered too, dammit.  And there's no reason why you couldn't use a condom.  Why is it always my responsibility?"

Gracie:  "If I have to put up with a baby, I want a puppy."

Daddy: "Mommy and Daddy are talking right now.  Eat your Cheerios."

Mommy:  "We're talking right now? Oh really?  This doesn't look like talking."

Daddy: "You're complaining?  Last time we talked, we AGREED to wait."

Mommy: "THAT again!  Listen, sleep on the fucking couch and we don't have this issue."

Gracie:  "I want a puppy."

Saturday, February 22, 2014

eHarmony's creepy "Granddaughter" ad: I don't want to imagine Show and Tell at this girl's school....

Maybe it's because I'm a teacher.  Maybe it's because I'm a particularly private person.  But I don't think so.  I think I'm perfectly justified in thinking that this kid's teacher has no business discussing his relationship status with his students.

I mean, think about it.  This awdowable pwecious wittle girl with the adowable pwecious speeth disowdah is not only aware that her male teacher has a new girlfriend, but that he met her through an online website.  She even knows that website is NOT eHarmony....shouldn't Teacher be, I don't know, TEACHING instead of discussing this with the class?

Then again, she knows her uber-creepy grandfather makes his living by operating a dating website that "has all the hot babes," so maybe she's used to having inappropriate conversations with old guys.  Still, I think a call to the school would be more than appropriate here.  BOUNDARIES, people.  BOUNDARIES!

Friday, February 21, 2014

Stufz? Someone call Child Protective Services on Chef Duffy!

This guy's enthusiasm for dead cow jammed with poisonous junk has spread to his poor daughter, whose "favorite" burger comes stuffed with macaroni and cheese.  Why do I suspect that bacon bowls are popular in this house too?

So the fattest, most unhealthy country on the planet continues to find more ways to kill itself with food.  We shouldn't be eating ground beef at all- it's a terribly inefficient protein delivery method, besides creating massive amounts of waste by causing its harvesters to dedicate millions of acres of land to its production which could be better used for the growing of grain.  It's fatty and heart-unfriendly and cruel.  Yet we are forever seeking new ways to ingest this life-shortening junk.

And the new trend seems to be to find ways to jam as many calories as possible into the smallest area.  Bacon bowls. Bread bowls.  Stuffed hamburgers.  KFC Double-downs.  Cheeseburger pizzas.  "Conveniently," consuming a huge amount of fat doesn't take a huge amount of food anymore.  Yay....

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I'm surprised they didn't burn the place down...

What the hell?

This guy's son/daughter whatever stopped by the house for a minute- and proceeded to turn on the TV, all the lights, and the water?  Jesus, what happened- did they run out of time before they had a chance to microwave a potato, leave cigarettes burning in the living room  or start a turkey going in the oven?

And I don't care what kind of phone you have- what kind of forgetful doofus feels it's necessary to rig up his house so he can turn off the freaking water?  Who leaves the water running?  Like I just wrote- WHAT THE HELL?  What if these morons hadn't shown up at the cabin for another three or four hours- wouldn't that made it a little too late to shut things off before major damage was done?  (Which brings me to another observation- the dad with the SuperPhone didn't receive some "your kids are assholes and put your house at risk" message- if he didn't KNOW they are assholes and they hadn't TOLD him they had stopped by the house and felt COMPELLED to check* on things, the homestead would have been in freaking ruins when he got back....)

Oh, and where's the "hey dickweeds, you didn't turn off the lights or water or lock the door, what the hell is the matter with you?"  This guy just doesn't care that he's raised a thoughtless, clueless clown, because his magic phone erases the messes he makes?

One more thing- what if the door had been left OPEN instead of just unlocked? Or windows had been left open?  I'm going to ASSUME that the toilet is unflushed, because jeesh.....

*the moment Dad learns that the kids stopped by the house, he whips out his phone.  He knows these kids.  He KNOWS they can't be trusted with anything sharper than a rubber ball.  Great spawn you got there, Dad.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

"Signature Look?" Ok, I admit it. I have no idea what that means.

I am trying to imagine growing up in a family which features

1.  A freaking palace of a living room (or maybe this is a rec room?  I really don't know.  I just know it's a freaking palace.)

2.  Half a dozen people who are obsessed with the amount of music they can download on to their phones, and who think that the ability to download a lot of music to their phones somehow makes them or their lives better.

3.  Parents who are thrilled at any new offering which allows their kids to use their phones more often.  I have to say, this is the one that always throws me.  I'm trying to picture my parents seeking out ways to allow us kids to be attached to phones as much as possible, and struggling with the "problem" of excessive charges in a way other than announcing "you are using the phone too often.  Stay off the damned phone."   I am not sure exactly when modern parents became eager, willing handmaidens to their kids desire to talk, text, download and stream 24/7, but I am quite certain it was not when I was a kid.

I'm also trying to imagine my parents measuring their self-worth on having a "signature look" centered around their phones.  Seriously, what the hell?

Sunday, February 16, 2014

The rest of this Doritos ad seems to feature a girl riding a dog. I didn't bother.

Am I really the only person who watched this ad and couldn't get over the first ten seconds- when asshole dickweed douchenozzle worthless scumbag kid responds to his mom's plea for help with the groceries by sneering "I don't know, can you?" while keeping his eyes frozen to his cell phone?

Am I really the only person who felt legitimately nauseous when mom responded with "guess you don't want Doritos?"  Um, excuse me?  I wasn't the greatest kid in the world, but I'm pretty sure I never had to be bribed by my mother to ACT LIKE A FUCKING DECENT HUMAN BEING AND HELP HER WITH THE GROCERIES.  And I'm POSITIVE that if I ever DID not only refuse to help, but handed her a sassy quip while otherwise ignoring her, she would not have responded with "guess you don't want your favorite snack."  It would have been more like 'your dad's going to hear about this later- and guess what?  He's not going to be bribing you with a snack, either."

You know, I didn't even bother with the rest of this awfulness after that first ten seconds, because years after I thought I had gotten used to seeing jerk kids treat their parents like something they just scraped off their shoe, the absolute obviousness of this kid's need to have that cell phone taken away RIGHT NOW and his internet connection unplugged RIGHT NOW and needing to be put to work doing chores RIGHT NOW and being taught Basic Manners 101 RIGHT NOW really took me by surprise.  Well, what do you know-  you can still pull this off, Doritos.  I'll give you that.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

What, no steak knives? Really cheap, Liberty Tax!

Even before I saw this commercial, I've always had a kind of morbid fascination with the Non-Existent 8 months out of the year company known as Liberty Tax.

First, like I said, this company seems to pop into existence around the first week of January only to vanish without a trace on April 15 and reappear again right after Christmas.  You can pretty much set your watch to seeing underpaid stooges*- some dressed in Statue of Liberty costumes- spinning arrows on the street, or those freaky wind sock creatures hypnotically beckoning you to come in and spend way too much on slap-and-dash tax preparation "services."

Second, it never fails to amaze me that anyone would think that Liberty Tax looks like a reputable business operation.  The "offices" are always located in rent-by-the-month buildings next to dollar stores or pawn shops.  I walked into one the other day (yes, every once in a while I actually do a little research for these posts) and saw that the entire setup consisted of two chairs, one desk (equipped with a laptop which appeared to be connected to the internet with a modem, no kidding) a starving artist Walmart-level painting over the desk, and a rug which could have used a good shampoo.  And you think "yep, these look like people I can trust with my money?"  Really?

Third, a quick trip to (one of my favorite sites) reveals HUNDREDS of complaints, all concerning hidden fees, inflated prices, inaccurate refund estimates, etc. etc.  Now, I suppose that the people who have access to also have access to cheap, safe, and professional tax preparers, so this criticism may be unfair- but jeesh, public libraries provide free internet access.  Is it so hard to do a little research when it comes to something as important as filing?

And then we have this commercial.  Refer a friend and get fifty bucks.  Refer more friends and get a DVD player.  Refer some more and get a big-screen TV.  Gifts in exchange for referrals- from a tax preparer?  Does this really sound on the level?  I mean, this isn't cable.  It's TAX PREPARATION.

Can I assume that most of the people who use Liberty Tax are new to the United States or very young and inexperienced, and just don't understand that tax filing is a bit more serious than buying a toaster?  Because I really don't understand how anyone of normal intelligence and some understanding of How Things Work could walk into one of these dumps because they saw a guy dressed like he should be in New York Harbor spinning a sign.  I mean, jeesh.  This is MONEY we're talking about.

*Didn't mean to be harsh here- times are tough, and work is work, and I must say that most of these guys seem to show real enthusiasm for their jobs, which makes me wonder if most of their pay isn't based on commission.

MetLife Family Values is measured in dollars and cents. Snoopy said so.

Two sisters barge into Idiot Clueless Parents house because they heard that dad got hurt doing something he's Not Supposed to Be Doing Because Come On He's Practically Dead For Chrissakes.

(I'm going to say right here that one of the sisters looks to be about mom's age- I'm not sure how that works- and the other one is really, really cute.  I mean really cute.  Preachy and insistent and know-it-allish, but really cute.  Ok, done now.)

Mom explains that Your Idiot Father (whose name is "Mr. Do It Yourself") was trying to commit suicide by cleaning the gutters when he slipped and fell and suffered an injury which will require that his arm is in a For Dramatic Effect sling when he sheepishly wanders downstairs to see what all the fuss is about I Was Trying To Take A Nap I'm An Old Man Dammit.  Homely Daughter and Really Cute Daughter (sorry, I just think she's really cute) display their Sigh Can't Turn Your Back On These People For A Minute looks, and I Am Not Sure I Buy That These Two Girls Are Related Non-Pretty Daughter finds a not-very-subtle way of asking if Mom and Dad have ever considered the possibility of maybe making it possible that the next bad accident be a financial windfall for the survivors.

Mom begs off- "getting insurance at our age can be hard..."  but not to worry, Daughter has the answer- "have you considered guaranteed acceptance coverage?"  Mom tries again- "but applying for insurance can be complicated..."  Daughter will not be denied- she's done her research, the Peanuts characters told her about MetLife, the cartoon music starts and Mom is reeled in for the kill by Seriously this Girl is Stunning Younger Daughter.

Dad shows up just in time to catch the tail end of the "lets plan on dad not surviving the next fall" conversation, and fifteen minutes later he and Mom have agreed to dedicate a large chunk of their fixed income to a company which will ease the pain of losing dad with a wad of cash.   Mission accomplished.  Now, back to the Ancient Aliens marathon.   Speaking of which- this show really lends itself to a great drinking game.  Chug a beer every time the narrator says "Ancient Astronaut Theorists."  You'll be bombed inside of half an hour.

Friday, February 14, 2014

The most awful 11 second commercial ever, courtesy of Hulu

Once again, I'm so grateful I got married before the age of cell phones.  I'm pretty sure I would have killed someone at some point during the ceremony.

Earth to anyone who would do something like this:  If you absolutely, positively cannot stop fucking around with your phone for a 30-minute stretch while two people pledge to live together and have sex for an indeterminate period of time, please just stay away.  Your presence is not so important that the Temporarily Happy Couple is willing to let you behave like an obtuse, self-centered jackass during what might very well be the only wedding they are ever the stars of.   Just stay home with your phone.

Or, if I ever get married again, please come and try to pull this during the ceremony.   Just carry a spare phone with a really good proctologist on speed dial.  Don't put it on the phone you normally use.  It won't be readily available.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Next week, we'll see Bronson Pinchot checking out the latest Nissans.

Someone got paid to write this.

Ever think you'd be sorry when Jan or a big fat guy with a white beard didn't make an appearance in a Toyota Commercial?

Ever wish you had followed your first impulse, turned off the tv, and devoted an hour or so watching paint dry instead?

Ever wish you could just punch someone in the face, really hard, for insulting you with a totally half-assed effort like this?  I mean, the commercial feels compelled to tell us exactly who Craig T Nelson is in the clunkiest manner possible (quick tip: if you have to introduce the guest star and remind us why we should know him, he isn't a guest star.)  Coach was cancelled in 1997.  If you are under 30, chances are you don't remember it.  Doesn't say much for Craig Teabagger Nelson that we are supposed to recognize him from a bad sitcom he starred in 17 years ago (and not the bad sitcom he's been starring in for the past three years.)

Depressed yet?

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Another post of personal privilege dedicated to UPS

In Transit : On Schedule

Expected delivery: Tuesday, March 4, 2014, by 8:00pm 

Holy crap, seriously?  This item (a DVD) has been shipped from Ohio--- and I can expect to receive it here in Maryland by Tuesday, March 4 (by 8 PM- well, that's something, anyway???)  Is it being walked to my door?  The snail mail carrier in Frog and Toad are Friends delivered items faster than this. 

Note that I said this has ALREADY been shipped- from OHIO- not Saturn, for chrissakes.  

Here's the silver lining, which still makes it funny- from past experience, I know that the "Expected Delivery" date is 100 percent fictitious.  I'll have this DVD inside of a week.  So where did Amazon come up with "Tuesday, March 4, 2014?"  Does it have something to do with it being Town Hall Meeting Day in Vermont?  Did some poor slob who found himself pulling a Sunday shift just figure it sounded reasonable, so what the hell?

"By 8 PM."  Well, thank goodness for that.  Because I really was planning to watch this DVD at 8 PM on March 4.  

McDonald's and the Olympics: Bite This.

The funniest moment of this 30 seconds of dumb is where we see a family gathered around the television set cheering something that just happened in the Olympic Games, this year being staged in a prison camp just a few thousand miles west of Siberia.

Yes, NBC and McDonald's, this is for sure happening all over the country.  People are glued to their couches because the Winter Olympics is on and everyone knows how much Americans love the Winter Olympics.  The ratings suck?  Well, that's because Americans are so obese from consuming non-food like Chicken McNuggets they can't get off those couches to turn their tvs on.

I won't bother to ask when McDonald's is going to actually spend some real money to produce commercials which actually make sense and sell their product, because I'm pretty sure that's never going to happen.  Instead, I'll save my question for NBC- when the hell are you and the other networks going to figure out that in a nation where the average person has access to dozens if not hundreds of television channels, not to mention the internet, nobody gives a flying damn about the Olympic Games anymore?  How many more billions of dollars are you going to invest in securing the coveted rights to broadcast a moss-covered relic whose popularity peaked in the 80s and hasn't been at all relevant since the Cold War ended?

It's not that Jingoism is out of style.  Jingoism will never go out of style.  It's that there aren't any real rivalries anymore.  You think anyone gives a damn how many medals the US accumulates compares to the Russians?  You think anyone is setting their DVRs to make sure they don't miss a moment of US-USSR hockey?  Earth to the networks: It's over.  Nobody cares.  We aren't watching- and no, it's not because we want the terrorists to win.  It's because we recognize that we are living in the freaking 21st century.  When are you going to join us here?

I just don't get zombies, I guess....

I always thought vampires were pretty cool- not the pained, angst-ridden, pathetic vampires of the Twilight series, but the old-fashioned movie vampires who were more interested in ripping out throats than who they were going to take to the freaking prom.

I've never understood why Werewolves can't catch on in Hollywood.  They are so interesting.  Last summer I read a 19th century novel in which the main character was a Werewolf.  The book sucked, mainly because the guy was a werewolf for maybe 1 percent of the time.  But that one percent was really cool.  Anyway, Werewolves have never successfully made the transition to the silver screen- in fact, "Werewolf" is pretty much synonymous with "box office failure."  Seems odd to me.

But I will NEVER understand the current fascination with zombies.  I'll admit, I've never seen a single episode of The Walking Dead.  Not even one.  But I've seen dozens of commercials on AMC (this ad is from Great Britain- I guess it's shown on Fox there, I don't know.  I was just looking for a short commercial to embed) and never once got the impression that it would be at all fun to watch a show about them.

First of all, they really aren't scary-looking.  Once you've gotten used to the rotting flesh and blood effects, they strike me as being rather boring.  And seriously, if you are a fan of this show, hasn't the shock value of seeing an eyeball hanging out or ears torn off worn thin by the second or third episode?  So you are psyched for SEASON FOUR? Why?

Second, I don't see how they are threatening.  They lurch around awkwardly in slow motion, as if they are crawling through molasses.  If I saw one approaching my house, I think I'd be more likely to be respond by laughing than screaming.  Then I'd take a shower, get changed, pack a few things, make a few phone calls, pay a few bills, and calmly step outside and walk away, confident that the "scary" zombie is still lurching awkwardly toward my house.

And if I timed it badly and the zombie actually managed to arrive before I could make my exit? I think I'd just tip it over and go about my merry way.  They look about as sturdy and dangerous as marshmallow scarecrows.  Fear?  I think "pity" would be a more appropriate reaction to seeing a zombie.

Third, I don't get their motivation.  These are just dead people, right?  So you live a fairly decent life- ups and downs, just like everyone else- and then you die, rise from the grave to lurch about like a fly in a bowl of Jell-O, forever stumbling toward people who- being alive- are much more agile and fast than you and have no problem keeping their distance? And if you, as a member of the Walking Dead Set, do manage to actually catch a living human being (maybe asleep on a beach towel or something,) well, then what? I seem to remember reading something about zombies eating brains.  What for?  Does this bring you back to life? Seems kind of pointless, if you are just going to die later and go through this crap over and over again for all eternity.

But anyway, back to this actual ad for this actual show which is actually going into its- Fourth Season?  Really? Four seasons of this?  Jeesh, four minutes of an ad were enough to convince me that this was a pointless snoozefest which must feature episodes about as fresh and innovative as We are Men, Welcome to the Family or Dads, all of which I believe are advertised as shows for people who prefer their zombies to be of the speaking variety.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Remember when Superheros used to fight Nazis and Aliens?

Well, I guess the 21st century's version of the Justice League isn't all that interested in diverting extinction-level meteors or planet-swallowing galaxy-roaming doomsday machines.  Heck, they probably wouldn't return our calls if we tried to tell them that Lex Luthor was back on the prowl.  Today's superheroes are savvy to the real enemy of mankind's happiness and peace of mind- the Evil IRS.

Because if you've been sloppy in your bookkeeping, casual in your filing habits, or are just a freeloading crook who doesn't want to pay his fair share because after all Ron Paul Told Me On The Teevee that the 16th Amendment was Unconstitutional, you'll need the help of the Tax Resolvers.  So confident in your intense gullibility and fear of the consequences of your own actions that you'll put your financial future in the hands of people who wear masks and spandex, Tax Resolvers does little more than give the 800 number where you can call and do the only thing more stupid than not paying your tax bill when it's due.

Yes, Tax Resolvers will use it's Superpowers on the Internal Revenue Service (previously known as the Legion of Doom) to "rescue" you from having to share any of your ill-gotten wealth with the society that builds the roads and finances the police and military that protects it and makes it possible.  Paying taxes?  That's for people who DON'T have--um--"heroes" on their side.  So call today, and within thirty minutes of becoming a client, Tax Resolvers promises to reduce the IRS building to a pile of smoking, radioactive ash with it's Kryptonite-infused Death Laser of Freedom.*

*Offer void in Utah, Puerto Rico, and Reality.

Friday, February 7, 2014

More Manipulative, Olympics-inspired tripe

First, the good news: If you didn't already know this story from the newspapers and the television and the internet, you get the whole thing boiled down in a 90-second trailer.  At the end of which I imagine that most of you will be thinking what I was thinking:  Why the hell would I want to watch the two-hour version of this?

Hell, the 90 second version was plenty painful.

Second, I'm pretty sure that this bowl of lukewarm porridge left absolutely no cliche unspoken.  Little black girl has a dream.  Mom has more bills than money.  Family and community pulls together to help little black girl fulfill her dream.  No, her dream isn't to get that heart transplant.  It's to go to the Olympics and have roughly two and a half minutes of --ahem---"fame" by contorting her body on a balance beam.

Hey, it's still a dream!  Shut up!

Oh, and "we can't afford to send her to the Olympics" followed by "you can't afford not too."  Wow, didn't see THAT line coming!

"You can be the best in the world" says the black coach/mentor/inspiration provider.  Uh huh.  Because being the best at throwing one's prepubescent body about for a few moments for the cameras- well, what more could a black girl aspire to?  Except- doesn't "best in the world" in this context mean "better than the other .00000001 percent of the planet that is even attempting to do this?"

"This is one for the storybooks" bleats newsyakker.  Why not "this is one for a crappy Lifetime movie?"

No one has ever explained why any normal person who doesn't own eight cats or seek dates using ChristianMingle would give a damn about any of the people whose stories are being told in these treacly "Based on a True Story" bundles of warm pudding.  If anyone has ever been "inspired" to do anything but vomit after watching one of these "feel good" dung piles, I suggest therapy.

By the way, what the hell is with this scene-

White Male:  "What's her name?"
Black Female:  "Gabrielle Douglas."
White Male:  "Gabby Douglas!"

Can I hope that the next line was "no, GABRIELLE DOUGLAS.  Not 'Gabby.'  Why did you shorten her name like that?  What's wrong with Gabrielle?  Is it ok that a black girl is named 'Gabrielle,' or do you think it's your job and privilege as a white man to shorten or 'adjust' the name of every black female athlete?"

Considering the title of this junk, I'm assuming the answer is "no."

What part of "One A Day" do you not understand?

One A Day Gummies are marketed, near as I can tell, toward men who simply will not take their multivitamins like a big boy.  These men probably grew up chewing little orangy pills shaped like Flintstones characters and have no interest in making the transition to huge tasteless white things which must be consumed with water (and, for those who are like me, in the evening to avoid massive stomach upset.)

So now we have One A Day VitaCraves, which I imagine are just as nasty as gummy bears which don't have 417% of my daily recommended allowance of folic acid.  Ok, fine, whatever.  Some people don't like pills.  I sure don't.  My problem is, I don't like edible plastic, either.

Here's my trick question:  What's the recommended daily dose of the One A Day VitaCraves?  Why Two, of course.

And here's my not-so-trick question-- why can't One A Day make an adult version of Flintstones chewables?  I'd definitely go for that.  Gummies? Yuck.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

We just love grandma's internet--err, grandma!

Wow, the warmth just oozes, doesn't it/

Kids don't really want to visit grandma.  Dad sure doesn't help, basically admitting that Mom is kind of a stick in the mud and yeah she's not very exciting but hey she'll be dead soon and Mommy and I really want to go to Vegas so just put up with her maybe she'll leave you a little something in her will ok kids?

But hey, check this out!  Grandma has got herself hooked up with Verizon Fios, so now the kids can saturate themselves with video games and television.  Suddenly, Grandma's house is awesome!  Grandma? Well....we played a game with her, and she didn't interrupt us too much when we were rocking her awesome connectivity, so she's ok too, I guess.  I think she baked us cookies- I remember putting something warm and chocolaty in my mouth between levels.....

"Can we stay over?"  Because grandma passes out around 6 PM and then we can really go to town with her cable system.  Yay Grandma!

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Eight people killed by lightning on golf courses last year. Just sayin'.

While LeBron James plays nine holes of golf, his investments make more money than most of us will see over the course of ten years of hard work.

Just thought I'd share this little nugget of information, so you have something to think about the next time you are told that you are supposed to enjoy watching LeBron James pretend to play golf for a Samsung Galaxy Commercial.

Oh, and BTW- James got more money for being in this commercial than you will make this year.  Glad I could help.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

This is how it starts, thanks to companies like Tide

One minute, this kid is "adventurous" (which to treacly grandma means "does what every other kid on the planet does, like ride big wheels) and the next we are told he has skin so delicate that it might hurt the little shmuggums if just the right detergent isn't used to clean his precious blankey.

One minute, this kid is big enough to be plowing down the road apparently unsupervised (unless that dog is his babysitter,) and the next he's so small he can't be trusted not to tip a hot fudge sundae all over his blankey and play with it.  Seriously, he's four years old when he's on his bike and maybe 18 months when he's in a restaurant?  I smell Spoiled Brat Syndrome written all over this kid, because....

When Grandma is "in charge," this kid basically does whatever the hell he wants and is greeted by a loving smile.  Jeesh, come on, Tide.  This isn't endearing, it's just stupid and gross and should be shown to Mom as a warning of how much damage is being done when she tries to save a few bucks and lets grandma play babysitter.  Make a note, Mom- your child drops two years when he's with her, and isn't learning ANYTHING about table manners.

Meanwhile, let's decide whether this kid is allowed to cruise around outside on his big wheel or needs to be in a freaking plastic bubble because his skin is so sensitive.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Every new Volkswagen ad makes the Baby Jesus Cry

This is a commercial for the 2014 Volkswagen.  In it, we see one reach 100,000 miles.  Even if this guy works for Volkswagen and was allowed to purchase the very first car off the line months before it was put on the market on the very first day of 2013, he would have had to average almost 275 miles per day to reach 100,000 in one year.  Does the guy in this ad EVER stop driving?

Not to mention that this car is showroom-gleaming -- if it has 100,000 miles on it, 99,999 were accumulated with the wheels spinning with the car mounted on struts.  Yeah, this car has seen actual seasons and weather and parking lots and potholes. Sure it has.

Hard to believe, but this is the part of the commercial that makes the MOST sense.  It gets much worse, because Stupid Dad makes another lame attempt to form a connection with Rude But Oddly Not Texting Daughter*  by spinning some weird-ass story about German engineers getting their wings whenever one of these cars goes over 100,000.  I can almost excuse her sneering "shut up moron" response (which would have gotten me a cuff across the mouth if I had tried it when I was her age) because this really is dad just needing to turn on the radio and STFU.  In other words, just admitting he has Nothing To Say To His Spawn.

We get about a minute of "German engineers" sprouting "wings."  It's not at all funny or entertaining and like a lot of these ads,  it goes on waaaayyyyyy too long.  Anyone not "get it" after the first five engineers "get their wings?"  No problem- here's a dozen more.

But even this isn't as offensive as daughter's response- which means that this commercial actual manages to start mildly dumb and get more insulting and unwatchable as it progresses.  I guess that's something.  Congratulations, Volkswagen- you've made yet another stupid commercial which makes me hate your product.  Did an ad exec get his wings?

(Oh and BTW, if you are one of those people who "only watch the Superbowl for the commercials,"  you are so pathetic and sad I can't even muster up any pity for you.  Seriously, though, what the hell is the matter with you losers?)

*When we are done with all the wings-sprouting BS and get back to the daughter- well, what do you know, she's texting.  She probably was earlier in the commercial too, we just couldn't see her hands.  What was I thinking?

Too late to ask the Newseum to stay classy

Full disclosure: I have never been a Will Farrell fan.  I think he's just brilliant as ego-drunk producer/director/backer Eric Jonrosh in The Spoils of Babylon, but that's about it.  Never thought he was very good on Saturday Night Live (when he wasn't playing Bush.)  Don't recall him making a particular impression on me in the few movies I happened to see him in.  Maybe the films just sucked, but that's the way it is.

Another Full Disclosure:  Before the Newseum decided to sell out (again) to the latest flavor of the month, I had already become more than sick of the constant Go See Anchorman messages from MLB, ESPN, my local news, car commercials etc. etc. etc.  So when I saw Ron Burgundy moving in to a museum which once upon a time was supposed to be about the news, my first thought was "just another commercial."

Another Full Disclosure:  I was very excited when the Newseum opened in downtown DC some years back, especially since the Washington Post has provided free tickets for High School students on field trips.  I have taken several classes to the Newseum over the years.  Most of the kids have really enjoyed the experience (we even did a class on creating a front page there once.)  But I've been steadily souring on the place for quite some time now.  There are the unfunny SNL skits blaring from television sets which can be heard a good distance from the exhibit.  There's the disgusting, preposterous shrine to Tim Russert (seriously.  Tim Russert has a shrine at the Newseum. Tim Russert.  No kidding.)  There's the fawning attitude toward FOX and CNN (I think Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Wolf Blitzer each get more face time at the Newseum than Edward R Murrow.)

So while I can say I'm disgusted at this most recent display of rank commercialism from the Newseum, I can't say I'm surprised; nor can I say that it's a "last straw," because I crossed off the Newseum as a Must See in DC quite some time ago, but I'll still take kids there because hey, it's still free, there's still good stuff to see there, and they still like it.

But I'm pretty sure I won't be dropping in on the Anchorman exhibit.  I'll stick to the ancient newspapers on the top floor (polluted by SNL and Laugh-In clips on hanging tvs) and the Berlin Wall exhibit on the bottom floor.  That way I can at least pretend- a little- that the directors of the Newseum didn't sell out to pop culture years ago.  Still, it really is kind of a shame.

A shrine to Tim Russert.  I still can't believe it.  What the HELL were you thinking, Newseum?