Sunday, December 29, 2019
...I guess we are supposed to completely ignore the fact that once these idiots stop inflicting injury on each other and several thousand dollars worth of damage to two apartments, that nacho they are fighting over is cold and covered with dust and germs?
...and I guess we are supposed to totally buy into the idea that the next door neighbors are fine with sharing their freaking sheet cake of nachos swimming in grease with the lunatics who smashed through their living room wall, violating THEIR lease agreement and costing them THEIR security deposit as well?
Oh never mind. Like I said, really not worth it. I'm more in awe of the comments that follow this YouTube contribution, which are even more repulsively slavish and even more devoid of brain cells than usual.
Saturday, December 28, 2019
First....woman, before you start talking, please please PLEASE put that child in another room. She should NOT hear this. She should hold on to hope that mom isn't living on the margins and ready to make economically fatal decisions for as long as possible.
Mom doesn't listen to me. Instead, she launches right into this "I have all these bills to pay, and zero savings, and my credit is in the toilet so when something goes wrong with my car I'm immediately in a position where I have to decide which bills I can simply ignore this month" Deadbeat Special Screed I guess we are supposed to relate to and sympathize with.
It gets worse. Her "solution" is to get a payday loan from WeFixMoney.com. Just a little money to tide her over until her paycheck shows up, Problem Solved. All she has to do is take that check and pay off that "easy" loan, plus outrageous interest, and she and her daughter are all set- until the next Emergency (like the electric bill, or rent, or a late-night fever that requires medical attention) comes along....and it will.
Until then, the Mom here will be very grateful that a bloodsucking legal scammer online was there to take advantage of her miserable life. Because Mom couldn't be bothered to get her act together before she started reproducing, and these bills for stuff she buys just keep coming, and it's Just So Hard Being a Single MomTM. But I'm saving all my sympathy for that poor kid, who didn't buy in to any of this and just lost the genetic lottery by being the spawn of such a stupid, stupid woman.
Friday, December 27, 2019
It's just so adorable that we are supposed to just buy in to the idea that Chevrolet employees make enough money to own big Suburban McMansions, wear designer-label clothing, and raise families in those suburbs. So very precious. What is this, 1955?
Oh, and BTW,
1. How much IS the Chevrolet Employee Discount?
2. Why would any Chevy Employee be thrilled to announce that their discount is being handed to just anyone, taking away probably the only actual perk of working at Chevrolet?
3. "Chevrolet Family?" "From our family to yours?" "You're part of the family?" Sounds pretty darned Cultish to me.
Thursday, December 26, 2019
So E.T. visited Earth 37 years ago and wandered into the backyard of a little boy living in suburban Los Angeles with his two siblings and divorced mom. Over the next several days E.T. hid from the mom, had a tea party with the little girl, watched a little tv, got drunk, and built a device to signal his friends in outer space using a Speak and Spell, a coat hanger, and an umbrella. Then he died, was Born Again in Fulfillment of the Script, rode a bicycle into the sky and eventually ascended into the stars while inspirational music and tears flowed.
Thirty-seven years later, E.T. returns to Earth to see what Elliot is up to. Elliot's got kids of his own, this is going to be fun and cool again! Except....what do Elliot's kids do with E.T.? They introduce him to YouTube. They give him virtual reality goggles. They feed him cake- probably the only part of this visit that seems at all like an old friend returning from a long absence in this entire four-minute plus nostalgia glurge.
Then E.T. goes back home, probably for good this time, because even though he managed to avoid actually dying during this trip, I don't think he's leaving with the warm fuzzies for Elliot's kids and their obsession with tech. More likely he'll report to his superiors that Earth kids are nowhere near as interesting and fun as they were back in the 1980s, when that one kid who always wore headphones and was never off his bicycle represented "out of touch because of electronics."
Tuesday, December 24, 2019
So this young couple who I have to assume has a kid somewhere in the house (do young childless couples put cookies out for Santa?) gulp down the cookies and milk only to realize that Santa Claus is real and has landed on a neighbor's roof. Their IMMEDIATE concern is that they've eaten "his" milk and cookies. Not that their reality has been torn into pieces by the sudden appearance of a logic-bending piece of mythology. But that a demi-god has appeared in physical form, and it allegedly expects cookies and milk.
And their response to discovering that the Western World's most popular Lie that doesn't involve a carpenter and a plus-sign-shaped piece of wood is not a lie at all is to make a mad dash to Walgreen's to pick up a cheap tin of crappy mass-produced cookies (Cripes, even the local 7-11 would have been a better choice for sweets.) Fortunately for them, Santa's ability to visit more than a billion homes in a single night doesn't negate the fact that it takes him 20 minutes to cross a street. Something doesn't add up here, but why should this stupid ad start making sense now?
Anyway, the young couple- which besides almost killing several innocent people by recklessly driving at breakneck speed on icy roads to Walgreens in the unrealistic (but, it turns out, completely appropriate) expectation that they could get into that car, drive to Walgreens, get a box of cookies, drive back, and put them out in less time than it takes a magic fairy that will land on several hundred million rooftops over course of eight hours to attend to two houses (yes, I am rather fixated on this massive plot hole) - puts out the cookies and watches as Santa consumes them. This is all supposed to be very lighthearted and sweet and whatever, but it just comes off as bizarre and stupid to nasty cynics like me. You know, Sane People.
Sunday, December 22, 2019
So the guy in this ad is clearly having a crappy day, getting burned out on the whole husband/father thing, feeling overwhelmed by not getting a moment's peace from his noisy, needy family. He can't even eat a piece of toast and drink his morning coffee without having his personal space invaded by the insatiable demands of these people who live in his house and share his last name.
All he really wants is a few seconds to himself to reflect and recharge- but instead, he's assaulted from behind by his wife, who forces him to look at the Wall of Reminders that his life is NOT his own- he's got a wife, he's got kids, he's got responsibilities. So stop moping, buddy- you aren't entitled to mope. You aren't entitled to one freaking eye blink of solitude, because your wife sees you having quiet time as a threat to her existence as the freaking Center of Your Universe. Besides, she assumes that you aren't just trying to gather yourself, but instead are contemplating how much easier- and fun- your life was before you Bought In and Sold Out. And how long it's been since you've been out with any of your male friends to the sports bar or to play cards. Or how cute and nice and almost-worshipful that last babysitter was.
Here's what has to happen now, at least as far as your wife is concerned: You have to Make Amends for the wandering thoughts you dared to have without so much as a By Your Leave from your significant other. Go out and get a mid-range piece of jewelry as a way of asking forgiveness for acting like a sovereign Human Being who actually owns the space between his ears. And don't you ever show even the hint of fatigue, frustration, or bewilderment again or it's right back to Kay for you.
Saturday, December 21, 2019
1. Who the hell has a conversation about their tax return- let alone the AMOUNT of their tax refund- during a holiday dinner get-together?
2. It gets even more cringy as the guests begin to push one of their own to tell them exactly how much he got - $3,000? $4,000?- and he responds not with a very well-earned "this is really none of anyone's business and I seriously can't believe we are having this conversation" but with a grin and a "mmm hmmm" that suddenly makes me wonder if someone slipped something into his drink. I mean, seriously, he sounds like he's falling asleep if not simply drowning in his own self-satisfied smarm.
3. "That's more than you got!" Um, excuse me? Do all the people at this table work in the same office, at the same salary? Do they have the same number of dependents and did they make the same decisions over the course of the year? I mean, two people making $50,000 each sitting at cubicles across from each other could have wildly different tax refunds due to a hundred different factors. This is especially stupid even in what is already a very, very stupid commercial.
4. "But I bet it took weeks (to get that refund,) right?" This makes no sense. The IRS does not mail out refunds based on amount being dispersed. Is this guy suggesting that for such a big refund, his smarmy stoned friend must have hired a shady tax wizard who uses so many little-known tricks that the IRS goes through it with a fine-tooth comb before cutting the check?
5. "Actually, I got it the same day" replies our favorite weird, semi-conscious lump of smarm (seriously, what is wrong with this guy? Did he collapse into a coma five seconds after the commercial ended?) And now we get the punchline- Mr. Valium used a "Rapid Refund" service to get his money- in other words, he surrendered a significant percentage of that refund in order to get his hands on the money a little faster. Which makes me wonder about his finances, and convinces me that no one at that table should admire him.
Oh, one more thing If you get a big tax refund every year, you are doing the whole payroll thing wrong. You are giving the United States an interest-free loan with every paycheck. A big tax refund is nothing to brag about; it's an admission that you haven't gotten your act together when it comes to properly managing deductions. Do better in 2020, people. And stop talking about tax refunds at the dinner table. To borrow a phrase from the 19th century, it's downright Uncouth.
Friday, December 20, 2019
I guess that when you are a World Champion Skier you can't let things like road conditions- and nature- get in your way now, can you? And if you aren't going to pay attention to road conditions, nature, property rights, etc., well, who the hell are police to tell you where you can and cannot go in your Range Rover?
The IMPORTANT thing is that Mikaela Shiffrin get to the top of that mountain so that she can ski some more. Heck, it's not even the most important thing- it's the ONLY thing.
Here's my question, though- she parks her Range Rover at the top of a mountain that she was only able to reach because she was equipped with a Range Rover and an overbearing sense of Entitlement. Now she's going to ski down that mountain. How does she plan to get back to her Range Rover when she reaches the bottom?
Thursday, December 19, 2019
For three years, GoAnimate For Schools was one of my favorite hobbies. Every other week or so, I'd devote two or three hours to making a 3 or 4 minute video which I would then share with my class and on Facebook, just for fun. Then GoAnimate changed it's name to Vyond, got super greedy, and got rid of GoAnimate For Schools and it's awesome $79-per-year subscription, replacing it with a virtually identical service with a $299 per year price tag. Oh well, it was a fun hobby while it lasted- but I don't have $299 burning a hole in MY pocket.
Here's an awful use of the old GoAnimate software: A GetPoorQuick instant loan "service" which promises to "match you up" with any number of stratosphere-high-interest cash advances to pay for car repairs, mortgage, whatever when your credit is in the toilet and you have no friends or family to lean on in a pinch. Need $500? $1000? More? No matter- the nice people at WeFixMoney will get that cash into your account quick, and all it will cost you is a monthly payment including interest rates approaching 2000%. But don't worry about that- just make the minimum required monthly payment. Forever.
How could such cutesy, friendly-looking GoAnimate characters steer you wrong? Well, the ones I put into motion never did, and never could. These, however, are setting up a trap for the Stupid and Desperate. If GoAnimate was still affordable, I'd love to create an animated response to garbage like this. Instead, I'll have to reply from my $10-per-year blog. Better than nothing, I guess.
Monday, December 16, 2019
...except that the little girl this guy married is truly insane. I mean, just look at how she acted as the UPS guy kept showing up with crap from Wayfair, delivering packages by the freaking metric ton. She looks like she's experiencing an LSD trip as she opens boxes, dancing around the tree and literally draping decorations around her neck. What. The Actual. F--k. Is wrong with this woman?
Whatever it is, it's apparently just fine with her husband. Either that, he's in for a serious shock when the VISA bill arrives in January. But I'm guessing he intentionally married a stunted child who looked fertile and just accepts the shopaholic behavior as just part of the package. To each his own, buddy.
Saturday, December 14, 2019
How do you know that the best years of your life are far, far behind you and every trace of your youth has been vanquished by age and the grind of routine?
Well, an excellent clue will be when you find yourself with visions of cupholders, weatherproof floor mats, and Smartphone dashboard accessories dancing in your head so insistently that you spend a ridiculous amount of time working to convince your Significant Other that all you want for Christmas is stuff that any normal person would just buy over the course of the year, as needed. When that happens- yes, you're dead. Just arrange the funeral already.
That being said-- what a contrast these people are to the Lexus, Audi and Buick Couples handing each other actual luxury cars for the holidays. This guy doesn't want a new car- he wants some stuff to keep his old car looking better. Almost makes me feel bad to snark on him, considering that he's being quite reasonable in his gift requests. I'm assuming he doesn't live on the same block as that kid who got a $50,000 car by blackmailing Santa with an unflattering photograph or the woman whose hubby "delighted" her with a Peloton bike. In other words, this is almost relatable. I wonder if this guy's wife wants something equally practical?
Friday, December 13, 2019
Or "here's another product which plays off the weirdly durable myth that copper has magical pain-relieving qualities, brought to us from the finest minds of pre-Renaissance Europe!"
Seriously, in a nation where millions of people rub on, breathe in or actually consume "essential oils" when they aren't guzzling "skinny tea" in an attempt to "detox" as if they don't already have kidneys and a liver, maybe I shouldn't be surprised that Magic Healing Copper is still a thing. I mean, the phony-as-it-gets Holistic Wellness Industry- be it the "nutrition" aisle at your local grocery store, the GNC brick and mortar cave at the local mall, or that non-friend you barely remember from High School attempting to "enlist" you to her Arbonne, Younique or Young Living downline through random, emoji-encrusted Facebook messages- brings in tens of billions of dollars to a very tiny group of people at the top of what sure looks like a pyramid every single year. Copper socks? What's so astonishing about that?
Still- this isn't the 9th century. The Earth isn't flat, leeches aren't intentionally being used to suck "excessive blood," there are a lot more than four elements, and no amount of boiling and mixing will turn base metals into gold. So why does anyone buy the concept of copper as a pain reliever? Especially when we already have prayer, chants, and crystals that, when placed properly, take care of that problem already in combination with plenty of water, rest, a proper diet and two Aleve tablets every four hours?
(Oh, but these are "improved"- in that, they are easier to put on than "normal" compression socks. They don't even have 10 percent more copper healing power, what a ripoff!)
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
You wouldn't think it would be possible for a commercial which features a man falling over his own trash cans and another man being killed by an outlet in the first eight seconds to be able to top such an awesome opening, but I think this commercial for SunNuclearBlastAmazingLight or whatever it is does just that.
Ah ok, it's actually called AtomicBeam. I was pretty close.
Anyway, this is NOT just another "stick it anywhere" light like the kind we've seen advertised on tv for at least thirty years. Nor is it yet another Only Available on TV item sold by a guy wearing a very generic sorta military outfit standing in front of a green screen featuring a very masculine looking Air Force jet for Reasons. This sucker is SOLAR POWERED, and may I say that I'm so happy we've finally entered an era where a manly man in military gear pretending to stand in front of a genuine KillJet 440* can endorse something that does not derive its energy from fossil fuels. Little victories!
For us nostalgia geeks, there's plenty of room for our old favorites, though- this light features "Industrial Adhesive" which allow it to stay on "almost any surface" and "Atomic Solar Panels" which charge the "Lithium Ion Battery" (if you're over 50, that might still sound impressive.) Oh, and did I mention the "State of the Art" sensor which detects when you- or a pet, or a leaf, or a gust of wind- is nearby but probably turns off every once in a great while all the way up to the day six to eight weeks after you purchase it when it turns off permanently? And I'm only thirty seconds in to this two minutes of Awesome!
We get to see a bunch of reasons why you NEED this light- like, despite having a substantial suburban mansion, you never got around to installing actual security lights to keep you from falling over your own garbage cans. Plus this thing will blind those adorable white-gloved cat burglars who would like to get at your other As Seen On TV stuff.
The LED panels "can last a lifetime without burning out." They Can. WILL they? Um, kind of doubt it. I mean, that kind of depends on how old the people who are buying it are. I'm guessing that the average age of customers for the AtomicBeam Security Light is around 75. So yeah, maybe.
Hey, there's Not Really Airman Whoever pretending to stand in front of that jet again. 1:17 in. I can do this!
Ah, we're at the price- it's $19.99. And if you jumped to the phone and started dialing as soon as you heard that price, you don't watch a lot of tv, do you? OF COURSE you can get a SECOND ONE FREE plus the ATOMIC FLASHLIGHT FREE and OMIGOD WILL THE LITTLE LADY LOVE THIS just LOOK how THRILLED she is when you save her from the scary dark! And you don't even have to worry if you accidentally encase it in fifty pounds of ice or cement (you know how that happens.) Just pay a separate fee (kind of like whenever you buy anything in addition to what you were already buying. I wonder why other companies never pull this bit- "you can get a hamburger, or a hamburger and a Coke, just pay a separate fee!")
Ah, it turns out that this hilarity was only 1:45 long, the last 16 seconds is just the Director's Cut featuring the Best Scenes of the Commercial. Again, for nostalgia purposes, probably.
*Not really a jet.
**I can't tell you how many times I've needed a flashlight and discovered that it's been frozen in a 50-lb block of ice, only to find that the flashlight no longer works after I rescue it using a sledgehammer. And it's even worse when its in hardened cement, not ice. That baby is GONE!
Sunday, December 8, 2019
Many years ago, Norm MacDonald in a stand-up routine pointed out that giving scratch off tickets as presents makes zero sense because there are only two possible outcomes, both of them really bad:
A. They don't pay out, in which case the recipient remembers that you gave them expensive pieces of cardboard as an expression of friendship/appreciation. In other words, you gave them....nothing.
B. They pay out, in which case the gift-giver spends the rest of their life with the knowledge that they held financial security- maybe even luxury- in their hands for a few minutes, and just...gave it away....to the kid who shovels the walk, or the mailman, or your kids' teacher....whoever it was, you didn't mean to give them a $10 million dollar Christmas present now, did you? Not when you're worried about paying for your kids' college (the guy who got the scratch-off ticket? He's not worried about that, or anything else.)
In short, you want the recipient to appreciate the gift, but ultimately, you don't want it to amount to much of anything. Heck, even a $50 or $100 payout is probably a lot more than you wanted to just give anyone not directly related to you (and frankly, I wouldn't want someone directly related to me to cash in that big at my expense.)
Saturday, December 7, 2019
So this kid is watching a Rise of Skywalker trailer on his phone in a dark room (f--king up his future vision, not that I give a damn) and decides that he needs a dog that reminds him of Chewbacca, a character that has almost no role in the new movies other than to be barked at by Rey and do her bidding.
His dad says no. In keeping with what is expected of kids in commercials, this brat proceeds to harass his father- even to the point of hijacking the television using tech that same dad provided him- until dad breaks and agrees that he'd rather deal with the hassle of a dog than the hassle of a whiny little begging creep who is not going to stop.
So they go to get the dog, but it's too late- someone else has already adopted it. I'm going to ignore the fact that dogs like this don't actually show up at shelters- anything that looks even moderately exotic is going to be living at a breeder or fancy pet store and is going to come with an equally fancy price tag. Because this is TV, not reality.
When I first saw this ad, I thought that they had succeeded in adopting the dog, only to have the kid notice another animal he suddenly Couldn't Live Without and would now start whining to dad about adopting/buying. At least I was wrong about that. But this kid's elastic emotions annoy me almost as much as his obsession with a thoroughly craptacular series of films that almost make the prequels look good. What if that dog doesn't look like a Star Wars character next year? It's just a puppy- puppies turn into dogs, you petulant little rodent. And what if that dog wants attention while you're playing with your stupid phone? Who wins that little contest?
Friday, December 6, 2019
It's so adorable that this little girl
1. Takes an expensive, delicate piece of hardware out into the snow when she sees reindeer in the yard, and
2. Proceeds to be an overbearingly entitled little brat when she learns that she can, indeed, talk to the reindeer. Seriously, she doesn't even ask the reindeer if they wouldn't mind answering a few questions. She just launches into "Ok, I have a lot of questions" and it's off to the races. She doesn't stop to listen to answers, she doesn't attempt a conversation- it's just "I'm important, I want answers, you aren't important, you are to give me answers" in the most typical nasty-kid voice imaginable.
I just want this girl to ask if their horns are sharp, so they can give her a demonstration. Ugh what a brat.
Wednesday, December 4, 2019
I see that since being handed a Super Bowl Ring by the refs in his final season in the NFL, Jerome Bettis has kept himself busy cheating in flag football (stiff arms are illegal.) How nice.
Meanwhile, I'd take a skinny 16-year old over a middle-aged Jerome Bettis in a flag football game. There's zero reason why it would be at all difficult to strip a flag from a lumbering old man (which makes me wonder why the defender is trying to tackle him, as if he doesn't know this is flag football and there's supposed to be tackling or something) unless this is just like the Super Bowl and Bettis can just do whatever he wants.
Oh, and check out the YouTube comments- even worse than usual. Either a lot of people are willing to brown nose Geico for nickles these days, or glue-sniffing has become the national pastime because these posts....oh god are they embarrassing.
Sunday, December 1, 2019
On December 25, 2018 a certain TrophyWife received a not-at-all-subtle reminder that
1. Her value in the home is 100 percent dependent on keeping that youthful figure, and
2. Her husband would rather her not be going out to those spinning classes anymore because he heard that there are other guys there, not to mention all those Woke Women....
She got this reminder by coming down the stairs of the ridiculous palatial suburban estate she sold her soul for and found that HubbyMaster had purchased a Peloton bike for....um, for her, of course.
With an extremely anxious look on her face which just screams "oh god I get it, I know what this means, I've got maybe a year to get my act together and achieve 0% body fat or I'm going to be out of the street," TrophyWife launches what will be a daily routine that will certainly be starting at 6 AM at the latest because no way is she going to be cutting back on her MommyWife duties just because she's been given a chance to salvage her situation. That kid still needs to be fed and deposited at school, HubbyMaster's breakfast and coffee must be ready when he comes downstairs, etc. This doesn't replace anything, lady. This is in ADDITION. And it's for your own good, IF you know what I mean.
After a year of brutal workouts in which an already beautiful, slim young woman transforms into a....beautiful, slim woman who is one year older, she gets to sit down on the couch with HubbyMaster to evaluate the results. The verdict is in: She's postponed dismissal for another year, anyway. And all it took was 365 exhausting sessions chained to that bike, being barked at by a total stranger on the screen whose audience consisted of hundreds if not thousands of other TrophyWives of the One Percent.
See you next year, lady....maybe. Oh, and here's your 2019 Christmas Present: An appointment for Botox treatments. Got to keep one step ahead of the babysitter at all times.