Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Summer Hiatus, Part II



Hello everybody, just wanted to let you know that I won't be updating this blog until July 2nd as I will be traveling to Italy between now and then and will not have access to the internet (or any interest in updating this blog) until I return.  So please enjoy the archives while I visit the home of my paternal great-grandparents.....see you when I get back!

Monday, June 19, 2017

A late-night rant becomes a Commercial Curmudgeon Post. Thanks, First Mobile@



I guess this ad is telling me that First Mobile Check Depositing is perfect for jackasses who like to smear food on their kids' faces and stick sunglasses on their dogs and take pictures of both to "share" with the few people they know who aren't absolutely convinced that they are drooling morons who probably think that Donald Trump is one right smart biznessman who just keeps outsmartin' those know-it-all edumicated snowflake millenial spoiled brats.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Someone get Isaac Hou an Accountant....



Ok, so this guy makes a living with some cool performance art/gymnastics which actually looks pretty cool.  I'm totally fine with that.  Just a quick question:

Is Isaac Hou aware of tax laws?  I mean, he's handed a personal check for $2000 for a show- no deductions for Social Security, Medicare, etc. let alone federal, state and local income tax.  No paperwork at all- just do your thing with your big metal hoop, here's $2000, take a break and you'll be doing another show in a few minutes.

I get that that Chase is trying to simplify all this, but I can see the IRS watching this ad and thinking "we've got to give this guy a call.  He doesn't quite get how we do things around here. He can't really believe that he can just accept cash for payment without declaring taxes.  Who does he think he is,  President Trump?"

Friday, June 16, 2017

Oh just move in to the damn pharmacy already



1.  Why does every freaking disease now have a three-letter acronym?  I just barely learned that Opioid Induced Constipation is a thing, and I've already been told that I should refer to it as OIC because...well, because we're living in the fricking twitterverse where were are all too damned lazy to use complete words anymore.

2.  If my doctor referred to a complaint about constipation with "how long've you been holding this in?' my first response would not be to laugh, but to question that doctor's commitment to making me better.  Illness is not a freaking joke.  But the guy in this ad thinks it's downright charming that his doctor used his discomfort to drop a bad pun- so charming, in fact, that he REPEATS the lousy joke a few seconds later.

3.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the answer to this guy's constipation problem caused by an addiction to a prescription drug is....another prescription drug.  It's America and it's the year 2017- of COURSE the answer to a medical condition caused by drugs is more drugs.  What else would it be?  Maybe cutting down on the opiods?  Don't be silly- there's no money in that.  What am I, a freaking Commie?  Do I want the terrorists to win or something?

4.  If you are popping opioids to deal with back pain, is constipation really something you're going to be concerned with?  To repeat Point 3, wouldn't it be a little more in keeping with the Hippocratic Oath for a doctor to tell this guy "once we get you off these extremely powerful, organ-damaging pain killers, you'll have regular bowel movements, so let's focus on getting you there?"  But again- no money in that.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Dear Liberty Mutual....



Could make one- just one- commercial in which the doofus who has the expensive accident is a woman?  You know, to kind of break the rut you're in, with one freaking ad after another featuring a woman complaining because her idiot male husband/boyfriend/brother/son did something stupid with the car and ended up costing her money because he was too stupid to use Liberty Mutual for his insurance?

Please?  Just one?  I mean, I know you're trying to create some kind of balance after decades of unfunny "women drivers" bits, but two wrongs really don't make a right.  So knock off the ads with sheepish, Ashamed Men and The Women Who Tolerate Them, please?  Please?

Monday, June 12, 2017

Hey, "Liberal." You aren't helping with this self-indulgent crap



Seriously, I find it very hard to believe that this commercial isn't snark written by a Trump supporter.

I didn't watch the entire thing- I could barely get past the whiny "I walk and walk and sometimes it rains" bit (yeah, welcome to the real world, doofus.  You sound like those people who dismiss solar panels with "but sometimes it's night or it's cloudy.")  Even worse was the totally offhand "I can take the train but it's an hour each way, and that's when it DOESN'T hit a person..." Holy crap, you're on a train that regularly hits people and all you can think is "Oooooh, this is really going to slow down my commute what a bummer?"  Seriously?  How fricking cold-blooded can you get, stupid self-centered jagoff?

I really don't care what she says beyond this, though I know she goes into what is supposed to be an ironic "we need double-decker highways tee hee hee I 'm just saying this because I know all the liberals I'm going to meet on the street (all of whom own cars) are going to respond hey the last thing we need is a bigger carbon footprint tee hee hee" and I'm guessing that it ends with a pitch for more mass transit.  I'm hoping that it also includes a little about walkable communties, but judging from that earlier "I walk and walk and sometimes it rains" bit, I kind of doubt it.

So someone else can watch this whole thing and tell me what the magic solution to too much traffic and too much carbon and too much reliance on fossil fuels and earthquake-creating water-contaminating natural gas is, since it's not walkable communities (which by the way are also the solution to a lot of our health problems.) But never mind.  I'm done.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Audi People. They're Just Better Than You



That homemade friendship bracelet thing is just fine for most people- I mean, it's the thought that counts.  At least, that's what people with no money say.

But we Audi people- well, for us, it's all about Quality.  So you give me this little friendship bracelet thing that you thought was pretty special and hoped meant that we would remain friends even as we went our separate ways for eleven months.  You hoped that this little bracelet thing would help me forget that you don't even have the latest iPhone and your parents don't drive an Audi or even a Lexus.

I think bigger than you.  Even though you aren't anywhere near good enough to actually MEET my parents- so I'm going to say goodbye right here and run to the car and not introduce you or anything like that- I'd like you to have this carved piece of wood with much better bracelets inside, to remind you that I'm so way out of your league it's not even funny.

So, see you next summer.  Hope things turn around for your parents before then, so we can continue to be friends!

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Let's just be honest about this Verizon Commercial, shall we?



There is absolutely no reason for the fat doofus who is supposed to be live-streaming this couple's ridiculous pretentious rooftop wedding*  to admit that he's lost connectivity.  He should just continue to hold his phone up and pretend to live stream the obnoxiously showy thing for the benefit of the laughably clueless couple who actually think anyone would be watching anyway, because....

Nobody is watching anyway.  The people who said "oh I'm sorry, I can't be there to share your amazingly happy day oh how wonderful if you can live stream it" are off doing something else, living their lives, secretly thrilled to death that thanks to the miracle of live streaming they now have an excuse to avoid going places they don't want to go- like the roof of this building to watch you two pretend to be fricking royalty or something- because Hey, We Can Be There In Spirit By Watching the Live Stream....

So if the fat doofus just pretends to live stream this mess, the Happy Couple will never know.  Because NOBODY is EVER going to say "hey, I tried to watch but the live stream didn't work" unless they also add "MY phone screwed up, sorry."  NOBODY is EVER going to realize that fat doofus didn't live stream the stupid wedding because NOBODY IS ACTUALLY TRYING TO WATCH THIS WEDDING ON THEIR PHONES. 

Now enjoy the rest of the ceremony, you self-important twats.  And keep living in your fantasy world where the no-shows or non-invitees give a flying damn.  Next time do what people with a tiny amount of foresight and something more than sawdust for brains do- hire a photographer with a video camera and a tripod (the only thing I want to watch less than a marriage ceremony is a marriage ceremony captured by a cell phone held with one hand by a guy in the front row) and then put the whole damn thing on Facebook.  Where nobody will watch it.

*unless you are Reed Richards marrying Sue Storm, there is no way you can justify a rooftop wedding.  Reed can do it because he's marrying Jessica Alba.  You aren't marrying Jessica Alba.  So don't even try the rooftop wedding.

Grand Canyon Not Included



As near as I can tell, this is the "college experience" according to Grand Canyon University -

1.  Watching basketball games on your tablet.

2.  Walking around a playground with children.

3.  Standing in the most cliche'd classroom/daycare center ever seen on television enthusiastically pointing at enthusiastic children who are hilariously raising their hands to answer the question you asked, to demonstrate to you that they were hanging on every word, being such enthusiastic learners and all. 

4.  Sitting on the couch simultaneously using your laptop and talking on your Smartphone- because that's what "multitasking" looks like today, I guess.  Wow, what a go-getter you are. 

I mean, come on, gag me.  

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Summer Hiatus, Part I



2016 was the last year of Louisville's ten-year contract with Educational Testing Service to host the US History Advanced Placement test grading, an event I've taken part in since 2008.  Tampa, a city I've never visited, will do the honors for the next ten years.  So this is where I'll be June 2-9.

I don't know how much of this I'll get to see during my stay in the "Lightning Capital of the World" (that doesn't sound very promising...) but I'm sure I'll enjoy a little of the "longest sidewalk in the world" as I take urban hikes while not grading,  I hope I get a chance to check out the beaches too, and visit the aquarium if it isn't too far from the convention center where I'll be working.  The Tampa Yankees minor league team is in town so I'll do my best to get to a game.  Oh, and I'll grade as many essays as I can when not seeing the sights and having fun.

Anyway, I won't be posting again until June 10.  Please enjoy the archives, and see you when I get back!

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

My apologies to M&M Mars



A few days ago, I picked on M&M Mars for producing a god-awful commercial tying their candy with the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie.  I don't take back anything I said; it was a very stupid attempt at cross-promotion which came across as lazy and insulting and made me retroactively hate both the candy and the original movie.  All of that stands.

But compared to this schlock, the candy ad was high art.  I mean, I know Dairy Queen ("DQ" this, seriously) is pretty much expected to produce the most insipid, barrell-scraping stupid commercials which don't feature beer or Real People, Not Actors.  But this is even lower than their usual standards.  We've got the thirtysomething white people in jobs held in real life by teenagers and college students, first of all.  But then we've got one of those employees getting a thrill repeatedly wiping off a lifesized carboard cutout of one of the actors....um, wtf-ever, Dairy Queen.  Anything to distract us from the Artificial Cold Junk In An Only Slightly Less Digestable Cup, I guess.

Oh, and just try to take one of these things into the theater with you when you try to obey the commercial's command to see Guardians of the Galaxy II.  If I were you, I'd just smuggle in a bag of M&Ms.  And go see a better movie while I'm at it.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

"You're the third guy to ask for her key in the last 24 hours. Oh well, none of our business. Here you go, sir."



So this woman is in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere, all by herself.  She looks nervous and worried and on edge.

One day, a guy shows up at the hotel front desk and announces to the manager "I'm the husband of the woman staying in Room 122, give me a key so I can go in there with....um, 'our' dog and several bags of groceries and stuff from 'our' house so when she comes back from wherever she is I can surprise her."

The manager, suffering from extreme Common Sense Deficiency Syndrome (or CSDS, a treatment for which is coming to your pharmacy and your television in the very near future,) hands a key to this total stranger so he can walk right into the woman's room and wait for her.  Why not, even though the hotel guest woman didn't inform the front desk that she was expecting anyone.  The guy looks perfectly normal, except that he's kind of bleary eyed because he drove all night and he's got this big dog with him.  Maybe the woman is hiding from her abuser?  Maybe this guy is stalking her?  Maybe you don't just open the freaking room up to anyone claiming to be a relation of the guest?

Nope, no problem.  Here's the key, sir.

The only way this commercial redeems itself is if the woman shows up in the hotel room with her lover from work to discover that her plan for a romantic weekend has been ruined by her moron husband and by the even bigger moron who runs this hotel.

Trust Ford to put as much thought into its commercials as it does into its vehicles.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Firestone warned us....



This commercial was released early in 2016...yet that November, we were all stunned when Donald Trump was elected President.

It was right there in front of us the whole time- we are a nation of drooling hicks who love yelling "WOOOO" and watching big, loud, dirty things be big, loud and dirty.

We thought this country was going to choose a highly-qualified woman over a male reality tv bag of hot air?

What were we thinking?

Friday, May 26, 2017

Arby's- celebrating heart disease since 1964



According to Wikipedia, Arby's is the second-largest fast-food service chain in the United States (based on number of retail outlets.)  Which means that pretty much no matter where you live in this great big fat Getting Greater Every Day country of ours, you are not far from an opportunity to shorten your stay by shoving this greasy crap down your already overindulged cake hole.

And here's another example of Art Imitating Life, from way back in the early-90s:



Meanwhile, half the world goes to bed hungry every night.  Hell, even idiots who consume crap from Arby's, MacDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell or Kentucky FRIED Chicken, while not going to bed hungry, ARE going through life with nutrient deficiencies because the only Food Groups included in their diet are Fats and Carbs.  All contributing to the obesity epidemic already aggravated by a lack of large grocery stores in the urban centers (just try to get fruits, vegetables and high-fiber bread from a typical inner-city convenience or mom and pop store.  Liquor, lottery tickets and heat-lamp hot dogs, sure.  Actual food?  Not likely.)

But keep demanding death on a bun, morons.  I'm investing in companies specializing in heart disease medication and knee replacement surgeries.  I'll be fine.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

The next step is to have the entire area sealed in a plastic bubble



So this woman is planning an outdoor party and heads out to the patio for the first time in a couple of years (I'm assuming this based on the amount of dirt she finds on the table and chairs.)  I mean, the only alternative is that someone just happened to walk on to her patio, break the pot of dirt, and spread it all over the table and chairs.

Oh wait, there's one more alternative:  that this commercial simply does not tie in any logical way to reality.

Anyway, this woman's solution to a problem solved by 99 percent of us with a quick hosedown is to attach a bottle of chemicals to that hose and then spend what seems like an hour or so shooting high-pressure water mixed with that bottle of chemicals on to that table and chairs like a germophobic maniac so terrified at the idea that there might be a tiny speck of dirt left behind that she's willing to drown the patio in water and chemicals.

And never mind that she uses so much water on those cushions that there's no way anyone sits on them without getting their pants wet inside of six hours- the important thing is that there's NO MORE DIRT ANYWHERE.  Because dirt is the last thing we should be tolerating while we're outside.  WTF-ever, Scotts.  I'm not even going to go into the whole "Oh, Schmidt" thing.  Not even worth it.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Cross-promoting M&Ms, Guardians of the Galaxy, and Racoon Maulings



Cross-promotions are the drum solos of commercials.  They are always just so g-d--ned awful and insulting and stupid.  I blame one of the best movies ever made, E.T., for their ubiquitousness (is that even a word?) because of that one simple Reece's/Movie tie-in because it lead to almost four decades of this awful "eat this or drive this while watching this" banal crud.

This one is especially bad because the two stupid fricking M&M characters are actually in the damn theater watching the damn movie (which, by the way, go ahead and flame me you weird cultists, is one of the most freaking overrated films of all time, sorry now get a freaking life) when the disease-ridden, sharp-clawed rodent does what come naturally for it (eating bags of someone else's food.)  This of course is supposed to be hilarious because get it, one of the adowable characters of that stupid It's Just Another CGI-Fest Waste of Time movie is or is not a racoon (the "debate," carried out exclusively by sad losers on the internet, continues.)  Oh my sides are splitting.

So go see Guardians of the Galaxy II because hey, you saw the first one and since then you've been told a thousand times that it's the Gone With The Wind of action-adventure crap.  And eat, umm, M&Ms, I guess.  And popcorn.  And play with racoons until they bite your fingers off and you choke to death on your own spittle.  Or something.


Sunday, May 21, 2017

Another "Moms are superhuman slaves" ad, this one by Nyquil



"Moms don't take sick days?"  Um, why the hell not?  Is it because Dad isn't there to help raise his own children, ever, and would probably accidentally kill them with his ineptitude if allowed to try for one day?

You can damn well bet that DADS take sick days.  And spend them being mothered by Mom, who just adds him to the list of people who must be taken care of on those particular days.  But Moms?  Moms aren't allowed to be sick, and they really aren't allowed to rest, either, except during those hours when the kids are asleep and Dad doesn't need anything either.  Her rest periods end when one of her kids- the children or the adult one- needs something.

Need a longer break, mom?  You shouldn't have had these kids all by yourself.  And you can take several days off when they are out of the house (and your hubby doesn't need you to for anything.)  Or when you're dead.

Why do the makers of Nyquil and Tide commercials insist on acting as if we are still in some Leave It To Beaver version of the 1950s?  Those days really aren't missed by anyone with a functioning brain.  I really doubt the Dad in this commercial is all that anxious to get back to them, for example.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

This girl must stink to high heaven most of the time



"My little girl practically lives in her Princess dress...she wears it all week...."

Wait, it's about to get much, much worse.

"But once a week, I need to clean it.  So what do I do?  What any good dad would do- I let her play sheriff.  While I clean that dress she's been wearing for a week."

No kidding.  This guy lets his daughter wear the same freaking dress for weeks at a time, with brief intervals in which she wears a sheriff's costume so he can wash the stinking, grass-and-spaghetti-stained thing.  And please note that he LETS her play sheriff for those maybe two hours it takes to wash her regular uniform, the princess dress.  Then it's back to her gender-appropriate princess dress.

Someone please explain to me two things here:

1.  Why the hell is this "expert dad" going along with this wear-the-same-dress-for-weeks-at-a-time bit?  Does this girl not go to school?  Is he just keeping her socially isolated in the house and the backyard, or what?  I mean, how badly does this girl smell at the end of each designated laundry cycle?

2.  How many brain cells would we have to donate to Expert Dad to get him to realize that a really good time to wash that stupid ugly dress would be in the evening when spoiled little princess is asleep and presumably wearing something else?  Oh, would that require the idiot to go shopping for new clothes every once in a while?

3.  Does anyone else think this commercial is really stupid and disturbing, or is it just me?

Friday, May 19, 2017

Order now and get a Butter And Sugar Infuser absolutely free!*



I'm going to tweak the script of this commercial without changing the basic message:

"We all love bacon.  We simply can't get enough of it.  We'd eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinner and all snacks if we could.  When we get around to making 'Fourth Meal' an official thing- and seriously, it's only a matter a time in Donald Trump's America- that Fourth Meal will consist entirely of bacon."

"As we all know, the problem is that bacon is not very convenient to make.  It creates grease which splatters and makes messes and is even dangerous.  And because of these problems, we often deny ourselves our god-given right to consume as much pig as we'd like.  The result?  We aren't anywhere near as unhealthy as we COULD be if only SOMEONE could make the cooking of fatty strips of pork easier!"

"Well, here's the solution- with this handy little device, you effortlessly add hundreds of calories to your diet and subtract several years of your life!  Yay bacon!"

*Just pay extra shipping and handling

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Which element of this Burger King/Transformers ad is the most disgusting?



Is it

A)  The pie-sized, grease-infused sandwiches these two slobs are about to stick into their faces?

B)  The fact that both of these future heart attack victims is totally oblivious to the carnage going on outside?

C)  The fact that the dreamy-eyed jackass can't even bother to use a napkin but instead wipes his mouth with the back of his hand?

D)  Michael Bay continues to make money putting out this CGI-dominated, epilepsy-inducing schlock two decades after totally trashing the story of Pearl Harbor?

Saturday, May 13, 2017

This Toyota ad almost makes me miss Jan



First, how does the Pedestrian know that the car stopped itself?  Can he tell from his view as a Nearly Crushed by Car Driven by Clueless, Distracted Dicktard that the driver didn't hit his brake?

Second- so, how many guys did this jackass driver kill before he bought this car which did his thinking and braking for him?

Finally- this crap happens to me at least once a week, as I am always a pedestrian.  Never once have I even considered running up to the driver and having a freaking orgasm over his car.  First, I'd probably get shot before I got to the window.  Second, I don't feel compelled to thank people for almost but not quite hitting me.  I know, I'm weird like that.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Actually I'd think "the people living there are idiots- and not at home."



So if you walk past a house in which the lights are randomly turning on and off, you think "oh that house must be haunted?"  Um, maybe twenty years ago a small child might have a reasonable excuse for taking that leap.  In 2017 I think pretty much everyone instantly thinks "App" when they see stuff like this.  Maybe this ad is making fun of the fact that the dog-walker is an elderly man for whom electric lights are already pretty amazingly close to magic and for whom "App" is not a word.

And you've got to have EVERY FREAKING LIGHT IN THE HOUSE connected to this stupid App? Not just at the door or in the kitchen?  EVERY FREAKING ONE?  That's pretty damn stupid.

Oh, and why is this toddler being allowed to play with the freaking phone anyway?  Didn't bring any toys, stupid parents?  Or is the little kid already imitating you cell phone junkie morons?

And one more thing- "your son?"  Huh?  Is that supposed to be a "cute" little reversal of the "your child" crap we used to hear from television dads who were constantly reinforcing the idea that Mommy is the one raising the offspring?  If so, it falls pretty flat here.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Finally, Milk as a Social Statement!



I was going to go with "My milk is whiter than yours" or "Milk for Rich White People," but I thought this title was more to the point.

Fairmilk is nothing more than milk which is "cold-filtered" and reconstituted to provide more protein or other nutrients but basically still just milk repackaged and sold in a fancy bottle to stupid white people with way too much money who are suckers for commercials like this.  Within seconds I'm sure they all reacted to this ad by thinking "awesome, another way to demonstrate my social status because just shopping at Whole Foods instead of Giant and driving a Lexus instead of a Honda just doesn't do it for me anymore."

So please, Upper Class Suburban Zombies- go out and buy this stuff and make sure you let everyone know you do.  Maybe slip it into Garrison's lunchbox before he heads out to preschool.  Or just have the nanny do it.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Nothing Racist or Sexist about THIS Ad. Nope, nothing at all.



In 2016 Peyton Manning retired after winning his second Superbowl in a 17-year career with the Indianapolis Colts and Denver Broncos.  Today he continues to appear at pretty much every commercial break during pretty much every NFL game during the entire season, mainly selling Nationwide Insurance by sitting around the house or standing in line at the grocery store or driving around in a luxury car.  Usually he's humming the Nationwide tune or adding different words to it, sometimes he's just tossing quips to an appreciative audience.

Serena Williams has won 39 Major Titles, including 23 Grand Slam Titles.  She's won the Australian Open seven times, the US Open six times, Wimbledon seven times and the French Open three times.  I've seen her in a lot more blowouts than close matches, even in the championship rounds.

She shows up in commercials every once in a while- like this one for Intel in which she grunts and issues gutteral screams of frustration because....um, because she's using an old racket, I guess.  I'm sure she'd have a few lines in this ad but they were all taken by the well-dressed white guy.  So just grunt and scream, Serena.  If it plays well maybe we'll call you in to do another ad next year.

Yeah, we've come a long way, haven't we?


Sunday, May 7, 2017

I love you're Commercial's, Grammarly! They makes me feel so smart's!



"Let's suppose you're writing a resume for a job you really, really want.  Or that you're writing a Facebook post that you want all your friends to see.  Or a research paper you just have to get an A on."

"Now let's suppose that you have all of the English skills of your average injured box turtle, pretty much never pick up a newspaper or (God Forbid) a book or magazine, and have been taught how to read by texting and tweeting."

"Let's continue by assuming that you always managed to get someone else to write your essays for you, but now you're out of High School and that someone else is long gone and for the first time, you find yourself face to face with the reality of a world in which you can't ask Siri absolutely everything and people are actually asking you to physically do something all by yourself."

"Well, no problem- here's Grammarly, a software program you can quickly download (ask Siri how) and let fix all those holes in your education which involve basic spelling and sentence structure.  And because you live in a world where asking an inanimate object how to turn around in your own driveway is perfectly normal, you won't feel even the tiniest sliver of shame while you use it.  Yay Modern World!"

"So go ahead and use Grammarly to pretend to be more intelligent and articulate and capable of expressing the most basic of concepts without the help of an artificial agent.  Hey, it worked for Lilly- she was hired for the job of Social Media Manager in that other Grammarly commercial over applicants whose brains weren't atrophied bowls of pudding!"

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Where does the "Safety" part come in?



Let's be serious.  We all know what always happens when you install one of these "organizers."  Within a few weeks, they've turned into expensive junk drawers for your car, filled with pretty much everything that you can't shove into the glove compartment because that is already filled with pens, individual sticks of gum, scraps of post it notes, ancient receipts and half-consumed rolls of Tums.

Now, in addition to that glove compartment which may or may not contain your car registration and almost certainly does NOT contain a pair of gloves, you've got a super-convenient place to stuff your styrofoam coffee cups, practically-empty coke cans, newspaper articles you thought you might want to read later, used napkins and that overpriced water bottle you thought you'd bring inside every evening after work to refill.

Yay Organization!

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

CVS, 27 years later.....



Today, CVS is a great place to shop if you've got all the time in the world and don't mind waiting until the one person at the one register gets done helping nineteen people in front of you before she finally picks up the g-d d--ned phone and asks Julia to respond to "Code One," which everyone who has ever been in a CVS knows means "we've got a lot of people waiting to check out so how about from the break room and actually doing some damn work along with me?"

It's a better place to work, since only two people- one at the pharmacy, one at the register- work at a time, while an apparently huge squad of people wearing stupid red aprons are hanging out in that breakroom.

Yes, it's a pretty good place to have a "private conversation."  Just not with an actual employee- unless you're willing to hold up the twenty people behind you in line while you have your actually-not-at-all-private conversation with the cashier about why the item you are trying to buy isn't on sale when the g-d d--ned sign clearly says that it is.

Oh, and its a great place to buy $1.99 16-ounce bottles of Coke and marked-down candy left over from Easter- if you can convince the cashier that it really is marked down regardless of what the damn register tells her.  And to call "Code One" before the people behind you blow their brains out rather than let any more of their lives just melt away standing in line.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

What the Rich White Kids will be doing this summer, I guess



Wow, check out the awesome coolness, Rich Kids!  While your hedge fund manager parents are away and your nannies are at Whole Foods stocking up on $30 bottles of wine, you've got the run of the mansion to play laser tag along the winding staircases and cavern-sized living rooms!

And if for some weird reason you feel like going outside, that's cool too!  Just head out on to the massive lawn and run between the Audis on the street as you get "coached" by the little voice strapped to your chest.  Don't get confused, that's not your iPhone8, its that other toy you got your "parents" to buy for you to get you off their backs for a few minutes!

So have a great few hours pretending to shoot your friends before getting back to staring at that iPhone or maneuvering a character in a video game on that massive screen in the basement!  And a quick note to the "parents"- hey, at least if you do buy this set, your kids might find themselves outside once in a while this summer!  Wouldn't that be something!?

Friday, April 28, 2017

Ugh, Dads really need to stop thinking of their daughters like this.



This is the second insurance commercial I've seen this year which features a dad looking at his little girl and remembering all the good times he had with her in the back yard and then imagining her wedding day in that same back yard.  Two insurance commercials produced by two different insurance companies, but both with the same message: that when dads look at their daughters, they think about giving her away to an appropriately white, appropriately tall young man who will marry her in that back yard.

I'm not a dad, but is this really all dads think about- their daughters being young women in wedding gowns gazing adoringly at the young man they are going to have sex with that night?

And what does any of this have to do with insurance, anyway?

Monday, April 24, 2017

Questions for Chevy's "Real People, Not Actors"



1.  What incentive to these loathsome, camera-sucking little tools have to obey the bidding of the Chevy spokeschoad?  Were they promised a good truck if they won the "contest" by reading off the awards, or just a Chevy?

2.  "That's a lot of pressure...." um, why?  Is this like the Hunger Games of commercials, where the person least proficient in reading off awards quickly is "eliminated?"  It sure sounds like there's an award being offered to the best reader.  Is there a reason we, the audience, have not been clued in?

3.  Can we all agree that these "Real People, Not Actors" Chevy commercials went to seed quite some time ago, and if we aren't making snarky comments on blogs we are creating parody videos for YouTube making fun of them?  Can they just go the hell away now, because all of these disgusting knobs pretending to be super-excited over Chevy trucks aren't the least bit convincing.  They aren't even attractive or compelling in the slightest way.  They are just camera whores, and we know it- so why can't these ads just go away already?

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Booking.com's great big slap across the face of every teacher in the United States



"There's nothing more important to me than my vacation."

Oh yes, I can see that, Ms "Teacher."  I mean, it's clearly a lot more important than teaching, or even keeping the kids in your charge safe- you've got one kid duct-taped to a chair, and another in danger of drowning in an enormous fish tank.  While you stand there like a zombie on valium.

Please, get to that vacation to Mexico or wherever.  And when you get back, find another career.  The kids deserve a hell of a lot better than you.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Wow, this woman has totally given up. Which means she should call me.



I'd like to interrupt this woman's nervous proposal of shared nights with her dog to suggest that if that gigantic house is hers free and clear, and she's really this lonely, I know a blogger who would not mind meeting her in person.  She should reply to this address if she's at all interested.

I mean, I can definitely overlook the obvious insanity- again, if she owns that house free and clear.  We have a lot in common- we both like big houses, and coffee.  She can have all the Coffee Mate, as I take mine black.  I'll even take that dog for a walk now and then.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Nissan presents: How to pass the asshattery on to the next generation



I guess the "joke" here is that the little girl riding the Big Wheel is a "black sheep" because that Big Wheel is black and not pink like it's supposed to be because she's a little girl.

Meanwhile she doesn't need to share the sidewalk- others get out of her way to let her pass because hey, that black Big Wheel is so totally cool and awesome.  Just like her mom doesn't need to be at all concerned about anyone else on the road, because she's driving this hot car after all.  So she can cruise through the suburbs with her eye on her daughter instead of what is in front of those several tons of steel and glass she's driving.  Way too cool to care.  Hey, she'll know right away if HER kid is in danger, so it's all good, right?

It's also totally fine that the little girl bangs that Big Wheel into one of a dozen or so cans of black paint inexplicably left out in the middle of her driveway (seriously, what the hell?)  Because she's a black sheep and a rebel and oh man forget it this just isn't worth the effort.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Xfinity "challenges" us to ramp up our addiction to electronic stimulus



Because what these pasty, fat, electronics-addicted losers really want and need is More More More TV Everywhere All The Time.  Which is why they are outside yet gathered around huge flat screen tvs listening to some spokeschoad for Xfinity sell them on the idea that, well, More More More TV Everywhere All The Time would make their non-lives worth living.

Hey, here's an idea, you f--ing zombies:  You are outside.  Why not just take a walk?  Why not visit a museum or park, and while you're at it why don't you take your kids and grandkids with you and actually watch them play instead of just being in their vicinity while you stare at your g-d d--med phones?

Oh right, I forgot- its because you've bought in to the idea that no matter WHAT you are doing, it can be made better by adding television.  The world outside your house is scary, so you should spend as much time inside watching television.  When you DO have to venture out into the Big Scary World, bring your television with you so you can pretend to be in your safe home.

There is simply nothing out there that's as awesome as thousands of hours of television, live or recorded.  And now you can stream it into your brain no matter where you are, thanks to Xfinity.  Don't forget to drop them a tweet thanking them for feeding your insatiable addiction to Nothing.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

If you don't drive a car, the Terrorists Win. The General told me so.



"Woah, what's with the bike?  What are you, a reject from the 19th century or something?"

"Um, no, I just can't afford car insurance after my accident."

"Oh, whew!  For a minute there I thought that you were actually getting into saving tons of money, engaging in healthy exercise, and working to reduce your carbon footprint! If that had been the case, we could not be friends anymore because man would that be lame!"

"No, I don't want to ride a bicycle to work- its not a tree-hugging loser!  I just can't afford car insurance!"

"Well, I've got a solution for you- go to The General online and get cut-rate, virtually-no-coverage but totally legal car insurance.  Then you can dump that stupid bike thing in the trash where it belongs and get back to being normal and driving into work by yourself, spending thousands of dollars a year on gasoline, parking, and repairs."

"Thanks very much!  I'll never ride this ugly, non-polluting, non-motorized Not A Car ever, ever again!"

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Mommy just loves her Philly yogurt "breaks." And I just love these visits to 1959.



Enjoy the 4.3 minutes you have to yourself, lady- because then it's back to taking care of "your" baby while hubby does whatever the hell he was doing before he graciously offered to do "your" job for those 4.3 minutes.

Yes, relax happily while you consume that dish of yogurt and fruit- but only for 4.3 minutes.  Then its time to get off your butt and raise that kid all by yourself, at least until your next scheduled break.  And don't forget to lavish praise on that husband of yours, who after all isn't really required to do any of this- his "job" was completed when he got you pregnant after all.

Oh, who am I kidding with all of this snark?  Chances are that Mommy will be gushing to her friends for the next several days how Her Awesome Wonderful Man actually took car of "her" baby for almost five whole minutes while she took in nutrition, and she barely even had to ask!!

Friday, April 14, 2017

Shut up, Jimmy, or youse be sleepin with de fishes!



Want to know what is only about 2000 times more annoying than hearing someone snore?  Listening to this braying jackass yell at me from my Sirius/XM radio several hundred times a day about how I "gotta get a Zyppah."  Naturally he does it in a fake, thick New York accent which I guess is supposed to be down-to-Earth and maybe vaguely threatening (is he gonna bust my kneecaps if I don't get a Zyppah, whatever the hell that actually is?) but just comes off as ear-bleeding obnoxious and downright insulting.

Hey, advertisers- I'm going to buy a Zyppah from a noxious windbag who sounds like he should be falling off a bar stool in the Bronx at around the same time I'm going to take insurance advice from "Big Lou" because hey, he's a drug addict who is on his second trophy wife (seriously, his commercials come right out and say this.  I'm not kidding.)  In other words, never.  Now, stop making me jump up and change the damn channel during every commercial break.  Dump "Jimmy" to the curb already and get yourself a spokesperson who doesn't make my ears bleed and my blood pressure skyrocket.

Here is my not-very-nice  letter to Zyppah:

Body: I hope you and your company burn in hell for subjecting us to Jimmy From Zyppah every god damned commercial break on XM Radio. Your ear-bleeding insulting stupidity sucks and I would never patronize your company because of it.

And here is their not-particularly-sincere response (I don't want to meet anyone who finds Jimmy from Zyppah "hilarious," conceding that there are such people, which I'm not sure I do:)

Good Afternoon Sir,
Thanks for your feedback! Believe it or not, we get messages from customers every day who want to let us know that they find Jimmy hilarious. We understand that it isn't for everyone, but it certainly accomplishing our goal of drawing attention to the problem of snoring. All of our ads and all Sirius radio ads in general go through a rigorous screening process in order to ensure that they abide by all standards set forth by Sirius as well as the FCC. I apologize that you found the ad offensive, as it was never meant to be, except to offend snorers.
Thanks for your interest in Zyppah and I hope you have an awesome day.
Best wishes and I do hope this satisfies.
Karen Kraines, CSA
Zyppah


Thursday, April 13, 2017

Capri Sun Presents: Latchkey Kids of the 21st Century



So are these kids only in communication with mom through video chat?  The only way they can get her attention is by threatening to kill themselves performing dangerous but highly shareable stunts and posting them to YouTube?

Where the hell is mom, anyway?  This stunt which turns into a plea for more Capri Sun juice boxes looks like it took a little while to set up.  Maybe mom is still relaxing on the couch enjoying her Philly Yogurt Me Time, under the impression that Daddy is on Temporary Parent Duty?

Where IS Daddy?  The kid doesn't even mention him.  Out of the picture already?

Do these kids even HAVE parents?  What the hell is going on here??

Oh Verizon, will you never stop giving me material?



Why nobody is ever, ever going to hire the insanely stupid woman in this ad:

1.  She has a very important job interview, but she's going to miss it because the subway she planned to take is twenty minutes late.  That's right, folks- she really really wants the job, but not enough to give herself ANY extra time to get there.  If she had a car, she might have been stuck in traffic.

If she really wanted that job, she would have planned to be an hour early and parked herself at a coffee shop across the street from the location of the interview.  This isn't freaking rocket science.  She does not really want that job.

2.  She thinks that she's going to save her job prospects by just calling in to the prospective employer.  Oh sure, lady, this is going to work really well.  Your call in from the subway platform is going to be much more impressive than, say, the person-to-person interviews the guy on the other end of the line is going to be conducting with job seekers who actually got their act together and managed to show up on time.  Might as well spend that first paycheck right now.

3.  She tells the prospective employer that she's a "people person."  Seriously, she comes right out and says that.  The cymbal crash which accompanies this makes perfect sense, though not for the reason that Verizon thinks.  It's basically the end of the interview.  I can't imagine ever being impressed by a job applicant who tells me "I'm a people person."  It's like being asked "what do you consider your greatest weakness" and responding "I'm kind of a workaholic, I tend to do everything my employer asks of me and never consider whether its really my job or if I'm getting paid for it, tee hee hee."

I'd be more likely to respond "Oh, you're a people person?  Me too- now if you'll excuse me, I have actual people waiting in my office who are so interested in working for me that they managed to get here in time for their interviews."

Or just tell her that I'm not a person especially impressed by hackneyed cliches OR job applicants with crappy planning skills.  Either works for me.

(BTW, how is the guy holding up the phone to make the interview happen going to prevent a train from approaching in the opposite direction and blocking his view of Stupid Woman on the other platform?  Is he going to order that train not to enter the station, just like he commanded Jackass Please Die Right Now "musician" to stop making a noisy nuisance of himself so Stupid Woman could talk to her potential employer?  I mean, what the hell?)

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Un-Flipping Believable....but lots of people believe it anyway....



This guy brags on his radio commercials that he was "once so broke, I had my electricity turned off NINE TIMES!"  Yes, this is the guy I want to go to for advice on how to manage money and flip houses.

He's certainly has figured out how to make money in the largely unregulated property market, and it doesn't involve hard work or study.  Those things are for suckers like he used to be, when he was getting his electricity turned off NINE TIMES.  Only a total loser who doesn't share his beautiful vision of American Capitalism would work hard, live within one's means, and invest wisely when this guy has this book which is FLIPPIN' AWESOME and FUN TO READ to boot!

What you do is, see, instead of all that hard work and saving and investing, you send money to this carnival barker to attend his seminars and buy his DVDs and learn how to flip houses like a pro (because flipping houses is a profession now.)  He gets rich and famous.  Maybe you flip a house now and then, maybe you don't.  But let's not take our eyes off the main point- he gets rich and famous.

There's nothing new about any of this.  Late-night television has featured "Magic Real Estate Secrets" packages since before there were VHS tapes, never mind DVDs.  I can remember being offered standard audio tapes and a series of workbooks which would turn me into a Real Estate Wizard, Wall Street Genius, and Multilinguist fluent in Japanese and Mandarin inside of six weeks Or My Money Back Yeah Good Luck With That.  In High School I had a close friend become a cultist for a certain Sell Ridiculously Expensive Household Cleaners Door to Door pyramid scheme I won't mention by name here but which rhymes with Scamway.  Get Rich Without Work was invented the day the first person discovered that work was hard.   It's still the most attractive proposition out there, and if you don't believe me, check out your state's Lottery sales.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

This Verizon ad really should end....



With this socially disfunctional jackass being run down by a truck or at least dumped by his girlfriend because his electronic addiction takes priority over EVERYTHING ELSE.

Seriously, we see this guy spend his ENTIRE DAY staring at his stupid hand-held drug of choice as the world goes on around him and without him.  He manages to get on buses and elevators- awkwardly- because a tiny part of his brain still operates like the warning lights in a well-equpped car to remind him that he still inhabits a damage-prone body and there are these other life forms around him he has to avoid.  He goes to theatres for some reason- I'm guessing because for a few more years going to theatres is something humans do and he's a human so there you go.  But he can't even pick his ass off the seat before consulting that G-d d--ned phone again....which means that, like I said, we really need to see that girlfriend dump his sorry butt.  Or push him in front of a truck.

Come on, Verizon, give me SOMETHING here.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Apple, making the world just a little bit dumber



Or you could just say it using your voice.  You know, in person.  Like in olden times, before you became a socially disfunctional hermit crab who doesn't have the first clue how to communicate with your fellow homo sapiens without using an electronic device.

Like people did for thousands of years before these things came along and made Conversation a Lost Art.  Thank goodness those days are over, huh?



Intellivision to the Rescue!



Since Mattel stopped making the consoles in 1990 after a very successful 12-year run, you probably don't remember these if you are under the age of forty.  I never owned one myself, but they were for a time Atari's only real competition in the home video game field.

Back in the 70s, the idea was that the home video game would replace the board game as the best way to keep families engaged with eachother instead of the images on the screen.  Mom, Dad, and Kids would compete in fun contests of skill by manipulating joysticks instead of dice or cards.  Innocent fun and all that.  And much better than the pathetic, zombie-like couch potatoes they were when they were just watching tv, never interacting in any meaningful way.

Ugh, can you imagine?  People used to spend up to two or three hours a night watching television.  Then Atari and Intellivision came around and instead they started spending an hour or two a few nights a week playing video games.  We sure were obsessed with glowing screens back then- if it hadn't been for Atari and Intellivision, I bet we'd still be spending hour after hour ignoring our families and staring at the tv.

This was in the late-70s.  Thank goodness things have changed so much, right?  Thanks for saving our society, Video Game Industry!

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Nice Job, Hasbro.



Every once in a while I have to stop snarking on commercials and actually endorse one, because the message is just too good.  It doesn't even bother me that the games being featured indocrinate kids to be Good Little Capitalists and Breeders.

If I was married with kids, this is what my house would look like, except that the kids would be a lot better looking of course.  We'd be playing board games on the nights we weren't reading or just talking.  Nobody would be blathering away on cell phones and nobody would be texting or staring at a glowing screen.  Because as the ad implies, none of that involves living, just existing.

I see adults with kids in parks, at ball games, at the beach etc. all the time redefining "family time" to mean "people related to each other being in the same general location fiddling with and staring at electronic devices."  It's freaking heartbreaking, and it's also so repulsive to see such asshattery being normalized.  Is the "connectivity" addiction so damned powerful that people need to be forever putting their alleged loved ones on the back burner?  Aren't we all getting a little sick of playing second fiddle to a glowing box?  Why is someone who isn't there always a higher priority than someone who is?

Maybe I'm just in a mood because every day I have to be extra careful crossing streets, watching for people who think that self-driving cars are already a reality and its perfectly ok to text while they are in motion.  But I think its more than that- more and more I wonder why people even bother to pretend to be social animals when all they really want is to crawl into an electric cocoon and be left alone.   Or why such people went through the motions of getting married and having children if they weren't going to give spouses and kids any quality time beyond "lets go to the AT&T store and get you hooked up so you can leave me alone until you move out."  What the hell is going on here?

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

When you're watching racist McDonald's Commericals- there's a Big Mac for that!



You know what, never mind.  I could spend the next hour spilling out eight paragraphs of rant fixated on how a multi-billion dollar sludge factory owned by massively rich white people made rich by churning out poisonous but very cheap junk for poor black and white people thinks that the best way to appeal to its customers is through bad rap.  But I've got things to do, so I'll just focus on the revolting behavior of the people in this ad:

According to this loathsome two-minute wall of noise, there is a Big Mac for That if

1.  You're sitting in a library.  Because libraries just love it when patrons use them as a setting for eating hot, greasy food.  But hell, if you feel comfortable letting out a loud squeal of delight while sitting in a library, you probably don't give a damn about the other patrons anyway.  So please chomp down that Big Mac while blathering at high volume on your cell phone.  Because as far as you are concerned, society is for losers anyway.

2.  You're sitting on a bus.  See No. 1.  Everyone on that bus loves the smell of your food and the site of you jamming it into your face.  The bus company loves the mess and the vermin it attracts.  We all wish you'd just go back to yelling into your iPhone or playing your music with no headphones or with ear buds (same thing.)

3.  You find money in the dryer at the laundramat. Because I don't know about you, but the heavy smell of chemicals and lint really spike MY appetite.  Sometimes I go out of the way to eat dinner at the local 24-hour Wash and Dry.  Especially when the library is closed.

4.  A hot girl returns your text.  Because if you think you are going to land a date with your dream girl, the first thing you want to do is shove about half a pound of grease and carbs down your pie hole.  Try to make sure she's there to see you do it.  She's sure to swoon.

I think that the real message of this commercial is "no matter how big your mouth is, we've got a sandwhich you can shove into it if you open that mouth really really wide and really don't care who might be able to see you, you disgusting trashy slobs."


Sunday, April 2, 2017

Tax Solutions: Let us help you become even bigger victims!



I don't know why all of these Duck Your Taxes commercials don't just cut out all the narration and just skip to the obvious punchline- "I'm a tax cheat and I got caught, oh noes what do I do now?"

Oh, right- because the message in all these ads is "the big bad Internal Revenue Service lives in a giant white castle and uses the power of the Evil Federal Government Run By Faceless Money-Hungry Socialist Bureaucrats to take YOUR money, and its coming after you so you need help call this toll-free number before it's too late!"

And in case you don't realize how late it really is, check out the digital clock, counting down the seconds until that knock on the door!

Of course, all of these tax cheats- err, I mean Honest Americans Who Are Being Victimized- live in big houses and have innocent, pretty wives and pretty children who are all made out of ticky-tacky and all look just the same, and who all just want to go about those pretty little lives in peace but can't because the Trolls at the IRS are hounding them to death oh please make it stop all we did was not pay our taxes, its not like we are criminals or anything!

I'm sure commercials like this do a great job massaging the sense of victimhood the tax cheats watching them desperately want to feel- they aren't bad people.  They are just Good, Decent, Hard-Working, Home-owning, Breeding Americans trying to Live the Dream but Can't Sleep at Night because the Government is Interfering Why Cant they focus on Defeating the Terrorists like they are supposed to this Must Be Obama's Fault?  If you think I'm exaggerating, do a Google search of "Complaints about Tax Masters" (a now-defunct company which spent years stealing money from would-be tax dodgers.)  They include things like "the government was hounding our small little business" and "instead of doing their job the IRS was picking on little guys like me," etc. etc. etc.  They would actually be hilarious if they weren't so pathetic.

And of course they all include testimonials like "they offered to settle my $80,000 debt for $27 and an upfront fee of $3500, but they LIED!"

Yes, the IRS makes mistakes.  When that happens, guess what you can do to address the problem besides hire a middleman like these scum-sucking pigs?  You can call the IRS and work it out.  In rare cases, you may need to hire a tax attorney- and if that's necessary, you hire someone local, not a damn voice on the phone you can't visit in his office, you morons.  Oh, but if you do any of those things, you might have to accept the reality that you aren't going to be settling that debt for pennies on the dollar.  Which means you don't get to victimize the society you are supposed to be doing your share to support.  No sympathy here.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Don't Worry, Trump Supporters- you can still earn that Advanced Degree in Dumb



Go to Prager University (you can do it without even getting up from your couch, since its an online "college") and you can get a "degree" by taking classes which explain

1.  Why Socialism takes countries which are prosperous and happy and turns them into crime, disease and-poverty ridden hell holes, *

2.  Why Global Climate Change is a China-and-Al-Gore-inspired myth designed to bring down the Bible-endorsed Capitalist System that God Intended us to live under,

3.  Why Athiests murder people all the time because if you don't believe in God there is no reason to be Moral,**

And so much more, all brought to you by exactly the person you'd look for for all the answers to the questions about life you've ever had- a Right-Wing Radio Yakker.  Especially now that the wonderful school you thought you'd be graduating from got shut down by the Libtards just because its founder was elected President and had to settle so he could go about keeping his promise to Make America Great Again.

*The video I embedded is a painfully obstuse five minutes featuring a "Brazilian Journalist" explaining how his country was well on its way to becoming a paradise filled with happy, successful middle class families and zero crime until The Evil Socialists came to power and created a dystopia of murder, poverty and high taxes for The Most Productive by attempting to create a social safety net (which was silly because like the journalist says, life was awesome in Brazil, why would anyone need a social safety net?)

**It must be endlessly frustrating for Prager and his ilk that Athiests make up such a tiny percentage of people in prison for committing violent crimes.  How could this be, since non-believers have no concept of an Ultimate Judgement after death?  My guess is that their answer is Shut Up, That's Why.

Friday, March 31, 2017

McDonald's Isn't Helping



So these little girls are standing in a obnoxiously pink room obsessing over what their little dolls are going to be wearing today- and Mommy comes in to contribute "I've got just the shoes for that!"

In other words, McDonald's has its brain firmly planted in the 1950s, and no power on Earth is going to get it out of there.  I mean, really- "Barbie Fashionistas?"  "What color goes best with this Happy Meal box?"  Ugh, gross.  Way to be part of the problem, McDonald's!  What ideas you got coming down the pike for next month- "I Hate Math and Love Lipstick" themed meals just for little girls?

Sunday, March 26, 2017

I want to meet a person who finds "Jimmy Cash" a convincing spokesperson



1.  I wonder how many poor rubes actually ran out to their cars to check the glove compartment and trunk because Jimmy Cash, the shouting, dancing green elf on television, told them that there was cash in their car.

2.  $50,000?  Um, if you can get a loan of $50,000 on your car, you've got other ways of getting money and don't need the ruinous, usury level interest rates provided by a Title Loan.  You can probably afford them, though.

3.  Let's be real.  99 percent of the people who are so strapped for cash that they'd be willing to hand their car titles over for collateral on a short-term loan which will certainly bankrupt them unless they have a large amount of cash coming to them inside of a few weeks own beaters worth less than a few thousand dollars.  They aren't going to be raising huge amounts of money on those beaters, sorry.

4.  The other 1 percent are dumb clucks who got suckered into buying cars they couldnt afford but which sure look good on the street outside the apartment complex.  Which means that "Jimmy Cash" knows his audience.  Sad.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

The Manufactured Outrage Industry over at ESPN



Want to hear grown men rant about an End of Civilization as we Know It incident which took place in the world of sports pretty much every other day?  Then watch or listen to ESPN, where Society is in a constant state of irreversable breakdown.

Last week, the purple faces and spittle were the result of LeBron James sitting out a Cavaliers game--on his coach's orders--and...wait for it...drinking coffee on the bench for the entire four quarters.  No kidding.  I've heard "debates" concerning this "issue" on pretty much every sportstalk radio program there is since the "incident"- and though the "story" is a week old, it's still a favorite among hosts and callers alike.  And after listening  to hour after hour of what I'm sure were very compelling arguments about why LeBron did the Worst Thing Ever, I'm still not sure why it was the Worst Thing Ever- but I'm pretty sure it wasn't because he wasn't playing.  I think it had more to do with the fact that he was drinking coffee- several yakkers really got hung up on that point.  So if he were drinking Gatorade, sitting out would have been ok.  I guess.  Not sure.  Probably not, though, because the important thing is the Outrage.

This week, attention has shifted to a player on the Phoenix Suns scoring 70 points in a losing effort the other night against Boston.  Seems that when the game was over the Suns players were celebrating the achievement of a teammate instead of doing what I guess they were supposed to do- committing  ritual suicide because they lost.  So the Entirely Sincere Outrage is now centered on the Phoenix Suns and how their insistence on being happy for a teammate clearly signals the end of civilization because Reasons.

Oh wait, not Reasons- because the Phoenix Suns Scandal opened the phone lines to the jackass old men who seem to live to call these shows and bitch about "the younger generation" and how they just "don't have the competitiveness" that they had, and this explains why America Has Lost Its Way and is going straight down the crapper or at least it was before we elected a guy who promised to make it Great Again.  The favorite bugaboo of these callers is the Participation Trophy, which they consider to be the greatest crime against Humanity since Obamacare.  For some reason, every sixty-something male caller to every sports talk show ever just loathes the Participation Trophy, to the point of referring to our "Participation Trophy Culture."  Turns out that the Participation Trophy is responsible for the death of the American manufacturing base, the destruction of the two-parent family, and almost certainly gay marriage and abortion.   When these guys were kids, teams that came in tenth place didnt get trophies and everyone was fine with that Because.  Life was so much better when awards ceremonies ended with kids in tears, g-d d--n it!

(And let's not forget the greatest triumph of the purveyors of Manufactured Outrage, which came after the 2002 MLB All-Star Game ended in a tie.  ESPN and all the other sports yakkers were in such a frothy rage after that Worse Than The Holocaust moment that they manipulated baseball into ruining the Um Wasn't This Supposed to be Just for Fun game and making it count for home field advantage in the World Series.  Thanks, sports yakkers.  You totally suck, all of you.)

*Know what all these bitter old men have in common?  None of them got trophies when they played sports in school, and they never got over it.  It's the only explanation for why they are so freaking bent out of shape whenever they see a ten year old playing Pee Wee T-ball get a little token of thanks for participating.  Get some freaking counseling, you pathetic old losers.  Or just shut the f--k up and die already.

Senokot "Secrets," or Another Thing That Happened on my TV



Let's see if I get this straight.  Stop me if I miss something:

This woman comes home to her glowing-white house and drops a bag of stuff on the kitchen table.  For some totally inexplicable reason her Significant Other looks into the bag and sees the box of constipation medication.....and instead of just reading the freaking cover, feels compelled to take the box out and ask "what's this?"

"What's this?"  Um, it's exactly what it says on the freaking cover, you illiterate moron.  You sound like you want to say "aren't you feeling well?" or "how much did this cost?"  Instead you come off like someone who literally can't read the freaking cover of your wife's over-the-counter medication.  In short, you sound like a clueless, lazy schmuck.

But maybe you two belong together.  After all, instead of slapping you upside the head and spitting "what the hell do you think it is, read the g-d d--ned box, clueless!" your wife launches into a Right Off The Cue Cards pitch for the medication.  At times she sounds downright defensive, but for most of her scene she comes off as a woman who has been accused of doing something very wrong but who has rehearsed her alibi for quite some time.

Maybe it's the nice house- women have been known to put up with a hell of a lot in exchange for that nice house.   Or maybe she's just dim as her husband.  Either way.

BTW, the final ten seconds of this ad go a long way toward convincing me that it was originally shot in another language.  The woman says "and it usually works overnight" and walks away as if she's just done a mic drop- was that really her parting pitch?  And the final shot of the guy looking at the box again and saying....absolutely nothing....well, that just doesn't look right at all.

So, did I miss anything?

Friday, March 24, 2017

Oh just take a freaking walk and stop asking for a Nobel Prize already



"Every stumble keeps me humble?"  Um, really? Then why are you, and all the other women in this ad, talking as if you deserve some Great Humanitarian Award for going outside and taking an f--ing walk???

I walk between eight and ten miles every day.  Without these sneakers or whatever you're trying to sell me, and without expecting someone to write poems to my awesomeness.  After watching this ad, I'm starting to think that the woman in the Good2Go Insurance Commercial who proudly explains that she chose food for her kids over the luxury of car ownership might just deserve a medal after all.  I mean, she didn't even mention walking among her many admirable qualities.  I'm sure wondering where my Congressional Medal of Honor is.  I had no idea that putting one foot in front of the other was such a rebellious, in-your-face act, but then again, I'm male and single- maybe American women have been told that they can't take walks because that's just Not Something Women Do?  If that's the case, continue to Aim  High, Sister!

And I apologize for mentioning that I walk a lot.  Just my white male walking privilege showing, I guess.

What the hell is this commercial about, anyway?

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Another headache-inducing commercial inspired by- ADD, maybe?



I'm not at all sure why this automotive oil commercial, which at least for the first twenty seconds plays out like every car commercial produced over the last twenty years or so, had to be "inspired" by the fifteenth episode of some stupid action movie series, but whatever.

No, I did not get past the first twenty seconds.  Cripes, this thing runs for more than two minutes, and its been a long week, and I have to teach tomorrow, and life is way too short even if none of those things were true.  I think we can get the message in fifteen seconds.  It's a commercial for engine oil.  It's got a tie-in with a stupid movie featuring really fast cars and guns and explosions.  We get it.  WTF-ever.

Monday, March 20, 2017

As opposed to the Fake Money you get over at CashStop, I guess.....



First- I can only assume that this commercial was made by white people who think that this is how to appeal to black people.  Really, really stupid black people.  Who don't have a steady income, a bank account, or any credit- but do have a car and ownership of that car's title.  Like those people over at Good2Go Car Insurance.

Second- I'm guessing that a large percentage- like maybe 100- of white Trump supporters think that this ad accurately depicts black people and their attitude toward money in general.  And don't find it insulting or demeaning in the least.  Hey, don't all black people respond to junky yet catchy jingles and hot women waving money around accompanied by pictures of cars and more money?

Third- umm, WHOSE money is that?   YOUR money?  Your REAL money?  How does it become YOUR money?  Ah, by hocking the title to your beater- and maybe if you can get some newbie behind the counter to hand you $10,000 for the piece of junk you rolled into the lot, you might finally be able to walk away from a financial transaction as the winner.  It's far more likely that you'll be handed maybe 1/10th the value of that automobile with a 300% interest rate due in two weeks or guess what, not only are you a sad moron with no credit, no bank account and no steady income, but you don't have a car either.

Fourth- oh, never mind.  Your life sucks enough without me continuing to point that fact out to you. But in case you think that you are unique, check out this New York Times Article:  https://dealbook.nytimes.com/2014/12/25/dipping-into-auto-equity-devastates-many-borrowers/?hpw&rref=business&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&module=well-region&region=bottom-well&WT.nav=bottom-well&_r=0.   Misery loves company, and you've got a lot of it.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Here's another thing on tv that happened....



No kidding, this is an actual commercial and not a parody.  And you don't have to watch it twice, because you've got to me to confirm what you thought your eyes saw but couldn't quite believe:

The black woman and her little baby and a guy who may or may not be that kid's father show up at this fly-by-night "Tax Solutions" place while the narrator tells us that sometimes, life gets "complicated."  I think it's fair to assume that the little baby is the "complication" that has popped up. The tax prep person hands her- or the blurry guy next to her- a check for TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS (exactly) which, unless she is there to sell that baby, can in context only be taken as a tax refund.

The blurry guy then throws his hands into the air- he's really happy with the ten thousand dollar check, it seems, and who can blame him?  I mean, ten thousand dollars- that's about five years of refunds for me, and I set extra money aside every paycheck to assure a refund.  Ten thousand dollars?  Really?

Never mind the context.  This woman and her blurry significant other are selling that baby.

And all of this is being done to some steady beat while some smooth-talking jackass waves a fistful of money at the viewing public.  My confidence in the legitimacy of this organization is just soaring.  Maybe its the multiple locations, all conveniently located to liquor stores, lottery outlets and pawn shops.  Maybe its that music.  Or maybe its simply that ten thousand dollar check.  Yep, it's settled.  No Liberty Tax for me this year!


Friday, March 17, 2017

Aarons: Making screwing the poor sound downright virtuous since 1955



Yeah, Aaron's "helps" people get "the things they need" (like big screen tvs and game systems) at "guaranteed low prices" (guaranteed by whom?)  If that's what you call charging legal-only-because-this-country-continues-to-worship-Capitalism interest rates with weekly payments to people whose credit rating is in the toilet.  In other words, Aaron's, like Rent-A-Center, sells itself as a Friend of the Poor by taking advantage of the poor.  Lovely.

I do think it's funny that the words "immature" and "disorganized" come up in this ad, since those words pretty much describe anyone who signs their name to an Aaron's contract.  "Sucker" does too, but I guess it didn't make the final cut.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Good2Go: This is turning into a series.....



Well, I don't feel bad about picking on these commercials, because the people in them are just so darned loathsome.  Episode One featured the guy who couldn't pay for car insurance because he had to buy his (presumably living a distance away with his estranged ex) daughter a birthday present.  Then we had the Stereotypical Unwed Mother dragging along two little kids who needed to take the bus everywhere because she had made the Tough But Correct and also Required by Law decision to feed her kids (what a superhero) instead of buying car insurance.

At least in Episode Three, we are picking on a white woman as the producer suddenly realizes that hey, even caucasians can be stupid and reckless asshats who neverthless breed (how else can they pass on the Stupid to the next generation and provide customers for Good2Go Car Insurance?)  The woman in this ad is driving a nice car with a freaking child in the back but she doesn't have car insurance because....Reasons.  I'm sure she has what she thinks are good reasons.  But without knowing anything anything else about her, I can say with great conviction that no, no she does not.

Because think about this for just one more moment than the makers of the ad want you to- this is a woman who is carting a minor child around in her car without insurance.  So if they get into a wreck and that girl is injured, Literally Criminally Stupid Mom can explain to her child why the immensely thoughtless idiot who gave birth to her can't pay for her physical therapy.  "You see, honey, Mommy thought it would be ok to drive without car insurance because she would be really really careful and not get picked up by the police."  I'm sure she'll understand.

And being the clueless, selfish jackwad she is, I'm sure this woman will walk away from this experience- after paying a hefty fine and having her license suspended- thinking how unfortunate she was to be picked up by that g-d d-mned cop who should have been off arresting REAL criminals.  And wishing she had bought SortOf Insurance from Good2Go- it wouldn't have paid for any of her daughter's injuries, but it would have kept the G-d D-mned Fuzz off her back, and that's what it's all about, right?


Sunday, March 12, 2017

Another Good2Go dose of Depression. You're welcome.



Here's another idea, Martyr Mom- instead of acting as if you woke up one day with two kids and no money, go back in time and plan a little differently.  Or maybe just plan.  Then maybe you won't have two kids, bags of groceries, and no auto insurance....

Wait a minute.  So buying a car would be no problem- it's the insurance payments which would keep food out of the mouths of those kids (who, I'm sorry, really lost the genetic lottery.  Sorry kids, your mom is a moron and you are going to pay the price?)  And now that you are about to learn about Good2Go's super-convenient Low Low Prices For Sort Of Insurance Hey It Meets the Bottom Of The State Standards, you suddenly have the dough to buy a car so you can drive to the store and buy...well, what, exactly, since its hard to see how you also have money now....

Here's a tip, Stupid Woman Who Really Really Needs a Time Machine:  In another couple of years, those kids will be big enough to help you with the groceries.  Then they'll be out of the house most of the time with their friends who have parents with measurable IQs and both food AND transportation.  Then you can just grab food for yourself before you hop on that bus.  And wonder what happened to your youth and your dreams of a decent life.

Oh and btw, thanks for perpetuating the "single black mom" stereotype.  Really needed to see that again.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Good2go auto insurance: Depressed Yet?



The guy in this ad HAS a car but he doesn't have auto insurance because....well, in his own words, every time he's ABOUT to buy insurance, something comes up....like his daughter's birthday.  And then, we can assume, he breaks into that jar on top of the fridge, scoops out the change he was GOING to use to buy car insurance, and uses it to buy something else....like a birthday present for his daughter.

I'm sorry, but I just gotta say it:  I think it's pretty damn safe to assume that Daddy got kicked out of the house by Mommy quite some time ago, and it probably had something to do with the fact that Daddy never quite got his act together when it came to being an adult with money.  It's all well and good that Daddy thinks it makes sense to own a car he can't drive because he can't afford insurance, but it's probably best for Daughter that he go on thinking that way Somewhere Else.  After all, Mommy looks like she's doing all right for herself in her own home, which I think it's also safe to assume she got in the otherwise Very Meagre Divorce Settlement.

So Daddy may show up for Daughter's Birthday in a bus because he couldn't pull together enough money for a present AND car insurance, and he decided to show up with a present this time around.  But if he arrives in a car and also has a present, that means he's aquired cut-rate, pays-for-nothing-but-satisfies-the-law month-to-month insurance, not that he's turned his life around and landed a decent job which allows him to buy standard auto coverage because he's also fixed his credit rating and gone some time before smashing into somebody or something.  In either case (and I know this is going to sound really mean) its nice that Daddy stopped by but its much, much better for all involved that he is going back to his own home at the end of the day.  Daddy's not ready for the real world, and maybe that's not his fault, but its not his daughter's responsibility, either.

Thanks for the present, Daddy.  Love you always.  The C9 will be along any minute.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Ask for a little extra, buddy- that Rent A Center bill comes due on Monday!



Maybe I shouldn't make fun of people who are so cash-and-credit poor that TWO FLAT TIRES makes them easy bait for a quick-cash loanshark company like this, even when that company is represented by a stupid fat toad in a freaking cape, but....

Well, I just can't help it.  OH MY G-D YOU FREAKING MORON TRAILER TRASH LOSER!!

Ok, that's out of my system.  Now please, take the "loan offer" from the company recommended by a total stranger WEARING A FREAKING CAPE and get yourself two new tires so you won't be late for your shift at Denny's.  And keep your chin up- it's only a matter of time before your vote pays off and Trump Makes America Great Again!TM.

Until then, there's always CashNetUSA.com.   Moron.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Pretty White People, Their Glowing White Dog, and Flonase



Gee, I feel sorry for the pretty white people who used to feel limited by their allergies and weren't allowed to take their unleashed dog for long runs through the woods, where it could playfully jump on me and knock me down, after which these pretty white people would explain that he was "just being friendly."

But maybe I'm being unfair to the dog- apparently it's so well trained that it won't even shake itself dry until it is in its own home, being tended to by its perpetually delighted weirdo pretty white owners whose entire lives seem to be wrapped around their fixation on that bizarrely clean dog.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Tax10000, another tax cheat enabler making my hobby so much easier



Never mind the super-cheesy "Owed" v. "Really Paid" graphics, or the "Are you sitting down?  You only owe this much.."  (yeah, that sounds like a message from a company I would trust.  Super professional.)  Never mind the stupid scene with the "married couple" who look like they are in their late-teens are struggling with big wads of paper- how the hell did these people get into such a big tax mess before they were old enough to go to prom?

No, the most hilarious part of this ad is at the very beginning, when the first guy plays us his recording from Tax100000 or whatever telling him that he only owes $8000 of a $50,000 tax bill.  It's hilarious because you know damn well that five seconds after he got that recording, he was on the phone with another RipOffTheGovernmentDontPayYourLegitTaxes scumbag agency to complain about the remaining $8000.  And that he'll be in debt to the tune of about $50,000 five years from now.  Because you can't fix stupid OR selfish.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

For another ten cents, will Checkers give you a napkin?



This disgusting ad- and other versions of it- show up on the television mounted to my elliptical at the gym only about four hundred freaking times an hour.  And every time it does, I ask myself the same questions-

1.  If this woman is sitting in her own damn home eating this greasy stuff, why can't she find anything to wipe her damn fingers with other than her tongue?  She doesn't have a paper towel, cloth towel, or napkin, anywhere in that entire house?  Cripes.

2.  Why would this ad appeal to anyone?  It doesn't make the food look good, and it sure doesn't make me hungry.  It actually turns my stomach little.  Plus, the message is "if you're the kind of person who likes to buy cheap stuff, here's our cheap food to fit your lifestyle."  Ugh.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Taco Bell- because quantity trumps quality, I guess.



Wow, that was close!  This lovely young couple almost stopped at the traditional fried chicken stand to buy and consume traditional fried chicken, when just down the road is one of the 13,000 Taco Bells scattered around the United States and where they could purchase mass-produced, tasteless greasy crap instead!

If this was a commercial for a hotel chain, we'd see this couple fly right past the rustic Bed and Breakfast and hit the Motel 6 at the next exit instead- and be totally convinced that they made the right choice.  "Wow, that was close- we almost chose quality!!"

What kind of bizarro world do I live in, anyway?

Monday, February 27, 2017

Nintendo Switch- yet another way to waste the only life you'll ever have!



First things First!  Don't even wipe the sleep out of your eyes or get out of bed before picking up your drug--- err, Nintendo game system-- and start your day of electronic addiction!

Walk around hunched over your stupid toy as you fix breakfast, and don't let your eyes wander away from the screen until you manage to grope your way to the living room, where you can stick it into a console and transfer the mesmerizing but stunningly vapid and pointless pretty images to a larger screen!

Then flop down on the couch in a posture which will play havoc on your spine (don't worry, you won't feel the effects until later, so it doesn't really matter) and idle away the hours of your life pretending to do something while your brain and muscles atrophy and life passes by outside your window (it doesn't matter- there's nothing out there but sunshine and people and other non-electronic stimulus, which means it's all boring and pointless and lame and doesn't even come with a cool soundtrack or extra lives like that game does!)

When you finally do get enough of your drug of choice, don't notice that another day that you'll never get back has passed you by, because nothing outside your cocoon had any meaning to you anyway- after all, it didn't include a single jumping cartoon character or castle or battle or anything that is really worthwhile!

(By the way, if this advertisement wasn't quite depressing enough for my readers, please check out the comment section.  There really is no hope for the future.)

Sunday, February 26, 2017

TV "Everywhere." Because really, what else is there?



I guess we are all supposed to be jealous of this zombie idiot's ability to endlessly watch tv as he strolls through what he laughingly calls "life."  No matter where he goes, his eyes are fixed to that screen, gazing at everything from Game of Thrones to ancient Seinfeld episodes to Back to the Future.....

Personally, I'll never understand what could possibly be attractive about staring at a phone like one of the freaking Walking Dead, oblivious to the world around you as you lose yourself in whatever witless crap you used to have to stop watching for a few moments because you left the house for some reason.  Thank goodness THOSE days are over, huh?  Now it's all television, all the time, which just leaves me wondering....why DID you leave your house, moron?  Because you could?  You sure don't look like you're about to accomplish anything beyond a crick in your neck (and premature blindness caused by thousands of hours of gazing at a glowing screen.  Please,  There is a G-d, isn't there?)

The only way this commercial ends well is if this drooling jackass walks in front of a doubledecker bus and gets squished like a ripe grape, him and his g-d-mned addiction shaped like a phone.  Loser.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Breathe Right, or go viral. I guess.



Because it's 2017, nobody thinks it's at all intrusive for this little girl to be making a YouTube video of her mother while she's sleeping.  Just keep taping your mom, isn't it hysterical that she's having trouble breathing and is snoring, boy does she need help- and the attention of as many viewers as we can find!  "Like" my post, everyone, and don't forget to Subscribe to my page, #StupidMomGaveMeAPhone!

It would be nice to imagine that in this commercial's sequel, we see Daughter lose her data plan for being so stunningly disrespectful- at least by 20th century standards.  But it's 2017.  This is just what people do now.  It's perfectly normal.  Really.