Monday, April 24, 2017

Questions for Chevy's "Real People, Not Actors"

1.  What incentive to these loathsome, camera-sucking little tools have to obey the bidding of the Chevy spokeschoad?  Were they promised a good truck if they won the "contest" by reading off the awards, or just a Chevy?

2.  "That's a lot of pressure...." um, why?  Is this like the Hunger Games of commercials, where the person least proficient in reading off awards quickly is "eliminated?"  It sure sounds like there's an award being offered to the best reader.  Is there a reason we, the audience, have not been clued in?

3.  Can we all agree that these "Real People, Not Actors" Chevy commercials went to seed quite some time ago, and if we aren't making snarky comments on blogs we are creating parody videos for YouTube making fun of them?  Can they just go the hell away now, because all of these disgusting knobs pretending to be super-excited over Chevy trucks aren't the least bit convincing.  They aren't even attractive or compelling in the slightest way.  They are just camera whores, and we know it- so why can't these ads just go away already?

Sunday, April 23, 2017's great big slap across the face of every teacher in the United States

"There's nothing more important to me than my vacation."

Oh yes, I can see that, Ms "Teacher."  I mean, it's clearly a lot more important than teaching, or even keeping the kids in your charge safe- you've got one kid duct-taped to a chair, and another in danger of drowning in an enormous fish tank.  While you stand there like a zombie on valium.

Please, get to that vacation to Mexico or wherever.  And when you get back, find another career.  The kids deserve a hell of a lot better than you.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Wow, this woman has totally given up. Which means she should call me.

I'd like to interrupt this woman's nervous proposal of shared nights with her dog to suggest that if that gigantic house is hers free and clear, and she's really this lonely, I know a blogger who would not mind meeting her in person.  She should reply to this address if she's at all interested.

I mean, I can definitely overlook the obvious insanity- again, if she owns that house free and clear.  We have a lot in common- we both like big houses, and coffee.  She can have all the Coffee Mate, as I take mine black.  I'll even take that dog for a walk now and then.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Nissan presents: How to pass the asshattery on to the next generation

I guess the "joke" here is that the little girl riding the Big Wheel is a "black sheep" because that Big Wheel is black and not pink like it's supposed to be because she's a little girl.

Meanwhile she doesn't need to share the sidewalk- others get out of her way to let her pass because hey, that black Big Wheel is so totally cool and awesome.  Just like her mom doesn't need to be at all concerned about anyone else on the road, because she's driving this hot car after all.  So she can cruise through the suburbs with her eye on her daughter instead of what is in front of those several tons of steel and glass she's driving.  Way too cool to care.  Hey, she'll know right away if HER kid is in danger, so it's all good, right?

It's also totally fine that the little girl bangs that Big Wheel into one of a dozen or so cans of black paint inexplicably left out in the middle of her driveway (seriously, what the hell?)  Because she's a black sheep and a rebel and oh man forget it this just isn't worth the effort.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Xfinity "challenges" us to ramp up our addiction to electronic stimulus

Because what these pasty, fat, electronics-addicted losers really want and need is More More More TV Everywhere All The Time.  Which is why they are outside yet gathered around huge flat screen tvs listening to some spokeschoad for Xfinity sell them on the idea that, well, More More More TV Everywhere All The Time would make their non-lives worth living.

Hey, here's an idea, you f--ing zombies:  You are outside.  Why not just take a walk?  Why not visit a museum or park, and while you're at it why don't you take your kids and grandkids with you and actually watch them play instead of just being in their vicinity while you stare at your g-d d--med phones?

Oh right, I forgot- its because you've bought in to the idea that no matter WHAT you are doing, it can be made better by adding television.  The world outside your house is scary, so you should spend as much time inside watching television.  When you DO have to venture out into the Big Scary World, bring your television with you so you can pretend to be in your safe home.

There is simply nothing out there that's as awesome as thousands of hours of television, live or recorded.  And now you can stream it into your brain no matter where you are, thanks to Xfinity.  Don't forget to drop them a tweet thanking them for feeding your insatiable addiction to Nothing.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

If you don't drive a car, the Terrorists Win. The General told me so.

"Woah, what's with the bike?  What are you, a reject from the 19th century or something?"

"Um, no, I just can't afford car insurance after my accident."

"Oh, whew!  For a minute there I thought that you were actually getting into saving tons of money, engaging in healthy exercise, and working to reduce your carbon footprint! If that had been the case, we could not be friends anymore because man would that be lame!"

"No, I don't want to ride a bicycle to work- its not a tree-hugging loser!  I just can't afford car insurance!"

"Well, I've got a solution for you- go to The General online and get cut-rate, virtually-no-coverage but totally legal car insurance.  Then you can dump that stupid bike thing in the trash where it belongs and get back to being normal and driving into work by yourself, spending thousands of dollars a year on gasoline, parking, and repairs."

"Thanks very much!  I'll never ride this ugly, non-polluting, non-motorized Not A Car ever, ever again!"

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Mommy just loves her Philly yogurt "breaks." And I just love these visits to 1959.

Enjoy the 4.3 minutes you have to yourself, lady- because then it's back to taking care of "your" baby while hubby does whatever the hell he was doing before he graciously offered to do "your" job for those 4.3 minutes.

Yes, relax happily while you consume that dish of yogurt and fruit- but only for 4.3 minutes.  Then its time to get off your butt and raise that kid all by yourself, at least until your next scheduled break.  And don't forget to lavish praise on that husband of yours, who after all isn't really required to do any of this- his "job" was completed when he got you pregnant after all.

Oh, who am I kidding with all of this snark?  Chances are that Mommy will be gushing to her friends for the next several days how Her Awesome Wonderful Man actually took car of "her" baby for almost five whole minutes while she took in nutrition, and she barely even had to ask!!

Friday, April 14, 2017

Shut up, Jimmy, or youse be sleepin with de fishes!

Want to know what is only about 2000 times more annoying than hearing someone snore?  Listening to this braying jackass yell at me from my Sirius/XM radio several hundred times a day about how I "gotta get a Zyppah."  Naturally he does it in a fake, thick New York accent which I guess is supposed to be down-to-Earth and maybe vaguely threatening (is he gonna bust my kneecaps if I don't get a Zyppah, whatever the hell that actually is?) but just comes off as ear-bleeding obnoxious and downright insulting.

Hey, advertisers- I'm going to buy a Zyppah from a noxious windbag who sounds like he should be falling off a bar stool in the Bronx at around the same time I'm going to take insurance advice from "Big Lou" because hey, he's a drug addict who is on his second trophy wife (seriously, his commercials come right out and say this.  I'm not kidding.)  In other words, never.  Now, stop making me jump up and change the damn channel during every commercial break.  Dump "Jimmy" to the curb already and get yourself a spokesperson who doesn't make my ears bleed and my blood pressure skyrocket.

Here is my not-very-nice  letter to Zyppah:

Body: I hope you and your company burn in hell for subjecting us to Jimmy From Zyppah every god damned commercial break on XM Radio. Your ear-bleeding insulting stupidity sucks and I would never patronize your company because of it.

And here is their not-particularly-sincere response (I don't want to meet anyone who finds Jimmy from Zyppah "hilarious," conceding that there are such people, which I'm not sure I do:)

Good Afternoon Sir,
Thanks for your feedback! Believe it or not, we get messages from customers every day who want to let us know that they find Jimmy hilarious. We understand that it isn't for everyone, but it certainly accomplishing our goal of drawing attention to the problem of snoring. All of our ads and all Sirius radio ads in general go through a rigorous screening process in order to ensure that they abide by all standards set forth by Sirius as well as the FCC. I apologize that you found the ad offensive, as it was never meant to be, except to offend snorers.
Thanks for your interest in Zyppah and I hope you have an awesome day.
Best wishes and I do hope this satisfies.
Karen Kraines, CSA

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Capri Sun Presents: Latchkey Kids of the 21st Century

So are these kids only in communication with mom through video chat?  The only way they can get her attention is by threatening to kill themselves performing dangerous but highly shareable stunts and posting them to YouTube?

Where the hell is mom, anyway?  This stunt which turns into a plea for more Capri Sun juice boxes looks like it took a little while to set up.  Maybe mom is still relaxing on the couch enjoying her Philly Yogurt Me Time, under the impression that Daddy is on Temporary Parent Duty?

Where IS Daddy?  The kid doesn't even mention him.  Out of the picture already?

Do these kids even HAVE parents?  What the hell is going on here??

Oh Verizon, will you never stop giving me material?

Why nobody is ever, ever going to hire the insanely stupid woman in this ad:

1.  She has a very important job interview, but she's going to miss it because the subway she planned to take is twenty minutes late.  That's right, folks- she really really wants the job, but not enough to give herself ANY extra time to get there.  If she had a car, she might have been stuck in traffic.

If she really wanted that job, she would have planned to be an hour early and parked herself at a coffee shop across the street from the location of the interview.  This isn't freaking rocket science.  She does not really want that job.

2.  She thinks that she's going to save her job prospects by just calling in to the prospective employer.  Oh sure, lady, this is going to work really well.  Your call in from the subway platform is going to be much more impressive than, say, the person-to-person interviews the guy on the other end of the line is going to be conducting with job seekers who actually got their act together and managed to show up on time.  Might as well spend that first paycheck right now.

3.  She tells the prospective employer that she's a "people person."  Seriously, she comes right out and says that.  The cymbal crash which accompanies this makes perfect sense, though not for the reason that Verizon thinks.  It's basically the end of the interview.  I can't imagine ever being impressed by a job applicant who tells me "I'm a people person."  It's like being asked "what do you consider your greatest weakness" and responding "I'm kind of a workaholic, I tend to do everything my employer asks of me and never consider whether its really my job or if I'm getting paid for it, tee hee hee."

I'd be more likely to respond "Oh, you're a people person?  Me too- now if you'll excuse me, I have actual people waiting in my office who are so interested in working for me that they managed to get here in time for their interviews."

Or just tell her that I'm not a person especially impressed by hackneyed cliches OR job applicants with crappy planning skills.  Either works for me.

(BTW, how is the guy holding up the phone to make the interview happen going to prevent a train from approaching in the opposite direction and blocking his view of Stupid Woman on the other platform?  Is he going to order that train not to enter the station, just like he commanded Jackass Please Die Right Now "musician" to stop making a noisy nuisance of himself so Stupid Woman could talk to her potential employer?  I mean, what the hell?)

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Un-Flipping Believable....but lots of people believe it anyway....

This guy brags on his radio commercials that he was "once so broke, I had my electricity turned off NINE TIMES!"  Yes, this is the guy I want to go to for advice on how to manage money and flip houses.

He's certainly has figured out how to make money in the largely unregulated property market, and it doesn't involve hard work or study.  Those things are for suckers like he used to be, when he was getting his electricity turned off NINE TIMES.  Only a total loser who doesn't share his beautiful vision of American Capitalism would work hard, live within one's means, and invest wisely when this guy has this book which is FLIPPIN' AWESOME and FUN TO READ to boot!

What you do is, see, instead of all that hard work and saving and investing, you send money to this carnival barker to attend his seminars and buy his DVDs and learn how to flip houses like a pro (because flipping houses is a profession now.)  He gets rich and famous.  Maybe you flip a house now and then, maybe you don't.  But let's not take our eyes off the main point- he gets rich and famous.

There's nothing new about any of this.  Late-night television has featured "Magic Real Estate Secrets" packages since before there were VHS tapes, never mind DVDs.  I can remember being offered standard audio tapes and a series of workbooks which would turn me into a Real Estate Wizard, Wall Street Genius, and Multilinguist fluent in Japanese and Mandarin inside of six weeks Or My Money Back Yeah Good Luck With That.  In High School I had a close friend become a cultist for a certain Sell Ridiculously Expensive Household Cleaners Door to Door pyramid scheme I won't mention by name here but which rhymes with Scamway.  Get Rich Without Work was invented the day the first person discovered that work was hard.   It's still the most attractive proposition out there, and if you don't believe me, check out your state's Lottery sales.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

This Verizon ad really should end....

With this socially disfunctional jackass being run down by a truck or at least dumped by his girlfriend because his electronic addiction takes priority over EVERYTHING ELSE.

Seriously, we see this guy spend his ENTIRE DAY staring at his stupid hand-held drug of choice as the world goes on around him and without him.  He manages to get on buses and elevators- awkwardly- because a tiny part of his brain still operates like the warning lights in a well-equpped car to remind him that he still inhabits a damage-prone body and there are these other life forms around him he has to avoid.  He goes to theatres for some reason- I'm guessing because for a few more years going to theatres is something humans do and he's a human so there you go.  But he can't even pick his ass off the seat before consulting that G-d d--ned phone again....which means that, like I said, we really need to see that girlfriend dump his sorry butt.  Or push him in front of a truck.

Come on, Verizon, give me SOMETHING here.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Apple, making the world just a little bit dumber

Or you could just say it using your voice.  You know, in person.  Like in olden times, before you became a socially disfunctional hermit crab who doesn't have the first clue how to communicate with your fellow homo sapiens without using an electronic device.

Like people did for thousands of years before these things came along and made Conversation a Lost Art.  Thank goodness those days are over, huh?

Intellivision to the Rescue!

Since Mattel stopped making the consoles in 1990 after a very successful 12-year run, you probably don't remember these if you are under the age of forty.  I never owned one myself, but they were for a time Atari's only real competition in the home video game field.

Back in the 70s, the idea was that the home video game would replace the board game as the best way to keep families engaged with eachother instead of the images on the screen.  Mom, Dad, and Kids would compete in fun contests of skill by manipulating joysticks instead of dice or cards.  Innocent fun and all that.  And much better than the pathetic, zombie-like couch potatoes they were when they were just watching tv, never interacting in any meaningful way.

Ugh, can you imagine?  People used to spend up to two or three hours a night watching television.  Then Atari and Intellivision came around and instead they started spending an hour or two a few nights a week playing video games.  We sure were obsessed with glowing screens back then- if it hadn't been for Atari and Intellivision, I bet we'd still be spending hour after hour ignoring our families and staring at the tv.

This was in the late-70s.  Thank goodness things have changed so much, right?  Thanks for saving our society, Video Game Industry!

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Nice Job, Hasbro.

Every once in a while I have to stop snarking on commercials and actually endorse one, because the message is just too good.  It doesn't even bother me that the games being featured indocrinate kids to be Good Little Capitalists and Breeders.

If I was married with kids, this is what my house would look like, except that the kids would be a lot better looking of course.  We'd be playing board games on the nights we weren't reading or just talking.  Nobody would be blathering away on cell phones and nobody would be texting or staring at a glowing screen.  Because as the ad implies, none of that involves living, just existing.

I see adults with kids in parks, at ball games, at the beach etc. all the time redefining "family time" to mean "people related to each other being in the same general location fiddling with and staring at electronic devices."  It's freaking heartbreaking, and it's also so repulsive to see such asshattery being normalized.  Is the "connectivity" addiction so damned powerful that people need to be forever putting their alleged loved ones on the back burner?  Aren't we all getting a little sick of playing second fiddle to a glowing box?  Why is someone who isn't there always a higher priority than someone who is?

Maybe I'm just in a mood because every day I have to be extra careful crossing streets, watching for people who think that self-driving cars are already a reality and its perfectly ok to text while they are in motion.  But I think its more than that- more and more I wonder why people even bother to pretend to be social animals when all they really want is to crawl into an electric cocoon and be left alone.   Or why such people went through the motions of getting married and having children if they weren't going to give spouses and kids any quality time beyond "lets go to the AT&T store and get you hooked up so you can leave me alone until you move out."  What the hell is going on here?

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

When you're watching racist McDonald's Commericals- there's a Big Mac for that!

You know what, never mind.  I could spend the next hour spilling out eight paragraphs of rant fixated on how a multi-billion dollar sludge factory owned by massively rich white people made rich by churning out poisonous but very cheap junk for poor black and white people thinks that the best way to appeal to its customers is through bad rap.  But I've got things to do, so I'll just focus on the revolting behavior of the people in this ad:

According to this loathsome two-minute wall of noise, there is a Big Mac for That if

1.  You're sitting in a library.  Because libraries just love it when patrons use them as a setting for eating hot, greasy food.  But hell, if you feel comfortable letting out a loud squeal of delight while sitting in a library, you probably don't give a damn about the other patrons anyway.  So please chomp down that Big Mac while blathering at high volume on your cell phone.  Because as far as you are concerned, society is for losers anyway.

2.  You're sitting on a bus.  See No. 1.  Everyone on that bus loves the smell of your food and the site of you jamming it into your face.  The bus company loves the mess and the vermin it attracts.  We all wish you'd just go back to yelling into your iPhone or playing your music with no headphones or with ear buds (same thing.)

3.  You find money in the dryer at the laundramat. Because I don't know about you, but the heavy smell of chemicals and lint really spike MY appetite.  Sometimes I go out of the way to eat dinner at the local 24-hour Wash and Dry.  Especially when the library is closed.

4.  A hot girl returns your text.  Because if you think you are going to land a date with your dream girl, the first thing you want to do is shove about half a pound of grease and carbs down your pie hole.  Try to make sure she's there to see you do it.  She's sure to swoon.

I think that the real message of this commercial is "no matter how big your mouth is, we've got a sandwhich you can shove into it if you open that mouth really really wide and really don't care who might be able to see you, you disgusting trashy slobs."

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Tax Solutions: Let us help you become even bigger victims!

I don't know why all of these Duck Your Taxes commercials don't just cut out all the narration and just skip to the obvious punchline- "I'm a tax cheat and I got caught, oh noes what do I do now?"

Oh, right- because the message in all these ads is "the big bad Internal Revenue Service lives in a giant white castle and uses the power of the Evil Federal Government Run By Faceless Money-Hungry Socialist Bureaucrats to take YOUR money, and its coming after you so you need help call this toll-free number before it's too late!"

And in case you don't realize how late it really is, check out the digital clock, counting down the seconds until that knock on the door!

Of course, all of these tax cheats- err, I mean Honest Americans Who Are Being Victimized- live in big houses and have innocent, pretty wives and pretty children who are all made out of ticky-tacky and all look just the same, and who all just want to go about those pretty little lives in peace but can't because the Trolls at the IRS are hounding them to death oh please make it stop all we did was not pay our taxes, its not like we are criminals or anything!

I'm sure commercials like this do a great job massaging the sense of victimhood the tax cheats watching them desperately want to feel- they aren't bad people.  They are just Good, Decent, Hard-Working, Home-owning, Breeding Americans trying to Live the Dream but Can't Sleep at Night because the Government is Interfering Why Cant they focus on Defeating the Terrorists like they are supposed to this Must Be Obama's Fault?  If you think I'm exaggerating, do a Google search of "Complaints about Tax Masters" (a now-defunct company which spent years stealing money from would-be tax dodgers.)  They include things like "the government was hounding our small little business" and "instead of doing their job the IRS was picking on little guys like me," etc. etc. etc.  They would actually be hilarious if they weren't so pathetic.

And of course they all include testimonials like "they offered to settle my $80,000 debt for $27 and an upfront fee of $3500, but they LIED!"

Yes, the IRS makes mistakes.  When that happens, guess what you can do to address the problem besides hire a middleman like these scum-sucking pigs?  You can call the IRS and work it out.  In rare cases, you may need to hire a tax attorney- and if that's necessary, you hire someone local, not a damn voice on the phone you can't visit in his office, you morons.  Oh, but if you do any of those things, you might have to accept the reality that you aren't going to be settling that debt for pennies on the dollar.  Which means you don't get to victimize the society you are supposed to be doing your share to support.  No sympathy here.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Don't Worry, Trump Supporters- you can still earn that Advanced Degree in Dumb

Go to Prager University (you can do it without even getting up from your couch, since its an online "college") and you can get a "degree" by taking classes which explain

1.  Why Socialism takes countries which are prosperous and happy and turns them into crime, disease and-poverty ridden hell holes, *

2.  Why Global Climate Change is a China-and-Al-Gore-inspired myth designed to bring down the Bible-endorsed Capitalist System that God Intended us to live under,

3.  Why Athiests murder people all the time because if you don't believe in God there is no reason to be Moral,**

And so much more, all brought to you by exactly the person you'd look for for all the answers to the questions about life you've ever had- a Right-Wing Radio Yakker.  Especially now that the wonderful school you thought you'd be graduating from got shut down by the Libtards just because its founder was elected President and had to settle so he could go about keeping his promise to Make America Great Again.

*The video I embedded is a painfully obstuse five minutes featuring a "Brazilian Journalist" explaining how his country was well on its way to becoming a paradise filled with happy, successful middle class families and zero crime until The Evil Socialists came to power and created a dystopia of murder, poverty and high taxes for The Most Productive by attempting to create a social safety net (which was silly because like the journalist says, life was awesome in Brazil, why would anyone need a social safety net?)

**It must be endlessly frustrating for Prager and his ilk that Athiests make up such a tiny percentage of people in prison for committing violent crimes.  How could this be, since non-believers have no concept of an Ultimate Judgement after death?  My guess is that their answer is Shut Up, That's Why.

Friday, March 31, 2017

McDonald's Isn't Helping

So these little girls are standing in a obnoxiously pink room obsessing over what their little dolls are going to be wearing today- and Mommy comes in to contribute "I've got just the shoes for that!"

In other words, McDonald's has its brain firmly planted in the 1950s, and no power on Earth is going to get it out of there.  I mean, really- "Barbie Fashionistas?"  "What color goes best with this Happy Meal box?"  Ugh, gross.  Way to be part of the problem, McDonald's!  What ideas you got coming down the pike for next month- "I Hate Math and Love Lipstick" themed meals just for little girls?

Sunday, March 26, 2017

I want to meet a person who finds "Jimmy Cash" a convincing spokesperson

1.  I wonder how many poor rubes actually ran out to their cars to check the glove compartment and trunk because Jimmy Cash, the shouting, dancing green elf on television, told them that there was cash in their car.

2.  $50,000?  Um, if you can get a loan of $50,000 on your car, you've got other ways of getting money and don't need the ruinous, usury level interest rates provided by a Title Loan.  You can probably afford them, though.

3.  Let's be real.  99 percent of the people who are so strapped for cash that they'd be willing to hand their car titles over for collateral on a short-term loan which will certainly bankrupt them unless they have a large amount of cash coming to them inside of a few weeks own beaters worth less than a few thousand dollars.  They aren't going to be raising huge amounts of money on those beaters, sorry.

4.  The other 1 percent are dumb clucks who got suckered into buying cars they couldnt afford but which sure look good on the street outside the apartment complex.  Which means that "Jimmy Cash" knows his audience.  Sad.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

The Manufactured Outrage Industry over at ESPN

Want to hear grown men rant about an End of Civilization as we Know It incident which took place in the world of sports pretty much every other day?  Then watch or listen to ESPN, where Society is in a constant state of irreversable breakdown.

Last week, the purple faces and spittle were the result of LeBron James sitting out a Cavaliers game--on his coach's orders--and...wait for it...drinking coffee on the bench for the entire four quarters.  No kidding.  I've heard "debates" concerning this "issue" on pretty much every sportstalk radio program there is since the "incident"- and though the "story" is a week old, it's still a favorite among hosts and callers alike.  And after listening  to hour after hour of what I'm sure were very compelling arguments about why LeBron did the Worst Thing Ever, I'm still not sure why it was the Worst Thing Ever- but I'm pretty sure it wasn't because he wasn't playing.  I think it had more to do with the fact that he was drinking coffee- several yakkers really got hung up on that point.  So if he were drinking Gatorade, sitting out would have been ok.  I guess.  Not sure.  Probably not, though, because the important thing is the Outrage.

This week, attention has shifted to a player on the Phoenix Suns scoring 70 points in a losing effort the other night against Boston.  Seems that when the game was over the Suns players were celebrating the achievement of a teammate instead of doing what I guess they were supposed to do- committing  ritual suicide because they lost.  So the Entirely Sincere Outrage is now centered on the Phoenix Suns and how their insistence on being happy for a teammate clearly signals the end of civilization because Reasons.

Oh wait, not Reasons- because the Phoenix Suns Scandal opened the phone lines to the jackass old men who seem to live to call these shows and bitch about "the younger generation" and how they just "don't have the competitiveness" that they had, and this explains why America Has Lost Its Way and is going straight down the crapper or at least it was before we elected a guy who promised to make it Great Again.  The favorite bugaboo of these callers is the Participation Trophy, which they consider to be the greatest crime against Humanity since Obamacare.  For some reason, every sixty-something male caller to every sports talk show ever just loathes the Participation Trophy, to the point of referring to our "Participation Trophy Culture."  Turns out that the Participation Trophy is responsible for the death of the American manufacturing base, the destruction of the two-parent family, and almost certainly gay marriage and abortion.   When these guys were kids, teams that came in tenth place didnt get trophies and everyone was fine with that Because.  Life was so much better when awards ceremonies ended with kids in tears, g-d d--n it!

(And let's not forget the greatest triumph of the purveyors of Manufactured Outrage, which came after the 2002 MLB All-Star Game ended in a tie.  ESPN and all the other sports yakkers were in such a frothy rage after that Worse Than The Holocaust moment that they manipulated baseball into ruining the Um Wasn't This Supposed to be Just for Fun game and making it count for home field advantage in the World Series.  Thanks, sports yakkers.  You totally suck, all of you.)

*Know what all these bitter old men have in common?  None of them got trophies when they played sports in school, and they never got over it.  It's the only explanation for why they are so freaking bent out of shape whenever they see a ten year old playing Pee Wee T-ball get a little token of thanks for participating.  Get some freaking counseling, you pathetic old losers.  Or just shut the f--k up and die already.

Senokot "Secrets," or Another Thing That Happened on my TV

Let's see if I get this straight.  Stop me if I miss something:

This woman comes home to her glowing-white house and drops a bag of stuff on the kitchen table.  For some totally inexplicable reason her Significant Other looks into the bag and sees the box of constipation medication.....and instead of just reading the freaking cover, feels compelled to take the box out and ask "what's this?"

"What's this?"  Um, it's exactly what it says on the freaking cover, you illiterate moron.  You sound like you want to say "aren't you feeling well?" or "how much did this cost?"  Instead you come off like someone who literally can't read the freaking cover of your wife's over-the-counter medication.  In short, you sound like a clueless, lazy schmuck.

But maybe you two belong together.  After all, instead of slapping you upside the head and spitting "what the hell do you think it is, read the g-d d--ned box, clueless!" your wife launches into a Right Off The Cue Cards pitch for the medication.  At times she sounds downright defensive, but for most of her scene she comes off as a woman who has been accused of doing something very wrong but who has rehearsed her alibi for quite some time.

Maybe it's the nice house- women have been known to put up with a hell of a lot in exchange for that nice house.   Or maybe she's just dim as her husband.  Either way.

BTW, the final ten seconds of this ad go a long way toward convincing me that it was originally shot in another language.  The woman says "and it usually works overnight" and walks away as if she's just done a mic drop- was that really her parting pitch?  And the final shot of the guy looking at the box again and saying....absolutely nothing....well, that just doesn't look right at all.

So, did I miss anything?

Friday, March 24, 2017

Oh just take a freaking walk and stop asking for a Nobel Prize already

"Every stumble keeps me humble?"  Um, really? Then why are you, and all the other women in this ad, talking as if you deserve some Great Humanitarian Award for going outside and taking an f--ing walk???

I walk between eight and ten miles every day.  Without these sneakers or whatever you're trying to sell me, and without expecting someone to write poems to my awesomeness.  After watching this ad, I'm starting to think that the woman in the Good2Go Insurance Commercial who proudly explains that she chose food for her kids over the luxury of car ownership might just deserve a medal after all.  I mean, she didn't even mention walking among her many admirable qualities.  I'm sure wondering where my Congressional Medal of Honor is.  I had no idea that putting one foot in front of the other was such a rebellious, in-your-face act, but then again, I'm male and single- maybe American women have been told that they can't take walks because that's just Not Something Women Do?  If that's the case, continue to Aim  High, Sister!

And I apologize for mentioning that I walk a lot.  Just my white male walking privilege showing, I guess.

What the hell is this commercial about, anyway?

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Another headache-inducing commercial inspired by- ADD, maybe?

I'm not at all sure why this automotive oil commercial, which at least for the first twenty seconds plays out like every car commercial produced over the last twenty years or so, had to be "inspired" by the fifteenth episode of some stupid action movie series, but whatever.

No, I did not get past the first twenty seconds.  Cripes, this thing runs for more than two minutes, and its been a long week, and I have to teach tomorrow, and life is way too short even if none of those things were true.  I think we can get the message in fifteen seconds.  It's a commercial for engine oil.  It's got a tie-in with a stupid movie featuring really fast cars and guns and explosions.  We get it.  WTF-ever.

Monday, March 20, 2017

As opposed to the Fake Money you get over at CashStop, I guess.....

First- I can only assume that this commercial was made by white people who think that this is how to appeal to black people.  Really, really stupid black people.  Who don't have a steady income, a bank account, or any credit- but do have a car and ownership of that car's title.  Like those people over at Good2Go Car Insurance.

Second- I'm guessing that a large percentage- like maybe 100- of white Trump supporters think that this ad accurately depicts black people and their attitude toward money in general.  And don't find it insulting or demeaning in the least.  Hey, don't all black people respond to junky yet catchy jingles and hot women waving money around accompanied by pictures of cars and more money?

Third- umm, WHOSE money is that?   YOUR money?  Your REAL money?  How does it become YOUR money?  Ah, by hocking the title to your beater- and maybe if you can get some newbie behind the counter to hand you $10,000 for the piece of junk you rolled into the lot, you might finally be able to walk away from a financial transaction as the winner.  It's far more likely that you'll be handed maybe 1/10th the value of that automobile with a 300% interest rate due in two weeks or guess what, not only are you a sad moron with no credit, no bank account and no steady income, but you don't have a car either.

Fourth- oh, never mind.  Your life sucks enough without me continuing to point that fact out to you. But in case you think that you are unique, check out this New York Times Article:   Misery loves company, and you've got a lot of it.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Here's another thing on tv that happened....

No kidding, this is an actual commercial and not a parody.  And you don't have to watch it twice, because you've got to me to confirm what you thought your eyes saw but couldn't quite believe:

The black woman and her little baby and a guy who may or may not be that kid's father show up at this fly-by-night "Tax Solutions" place while the narrator tells us that sometimes, life gets "complicated."  I think it's fair to assume that the little baby is the "complication" that has popped up. The tax prep person hands her- or the blurry guy next to her- a check for TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS (exactly) which, unless she is there to sell that baby, can in context only be taken as a tax refund.

The blurry guy then throws his hands into the air- he's really happy with the ten thousand dollar check, it seems, and who can blame him?  I mean, ten thousand dollars- that's about five years of refunds for me, and I set extra money aside every paycheck to assure a refund.  Ten thousand dollars?  Really?

Never mind the context.  This woman and her blurry significant other are selling that baby.

And all of this is being done to some steady beat while some smooth-talking jackass waves a fistful of money at the viewing public.  My confidence in the legitimacy of this organization is just soaring.  Maybe its the multiple locations, all conveniently located to liquor stores, lottery outlets and pawn shops.  Maybe its that music.  Or maybe its simply that ten thousand dollar check.  Yep, it's settled.  No Liberty Tax for me this year!

Friday, March 17, 2017

Aarons: Making screwing the poor sound downright virtuous since 1955

Yeah, Aaron's "helps" people get "the things they need" (like big screen tvs and game systems) at "guaranteed low prices" (guaranteed by whom?)  If that's what you call charging legal-only-because-this-country-continues-to-worship-Capitalism interest rates with weekly payments to people whose credit rating is in the toilet.  In other words, Aaron's, like Rent-A-Center, sells itself as a Friend of the Poor by taking advantage of the poor.  Lovely.

I do think it's funny that the words "immature" and "disorganized" come up in this ad, since those words pretty much describe anyone who signs their name to an Aaron's contract.  "Sucker" does too, but I guess it didn't make the final cut.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Good2Go: This is turning into a series.....

Well, I don't feel bad about picking on these commercials, because the people in them are just so darned loathsome.  Episode One featured the guy who couldn't pay for car insurance because he had to buy his (presumably living a distance away with his estranged ex) daughter a birthday present.  Then we had the Stereotypical Unwed Mother dragging along two little kids who needed to take the bus everywhere because she had made the Tough But Correct and also Required by Law decision to feed her kids (what a superhero) instead of buying car insurance.

At least in Episode Three, we are picking on a white woman as the producer suddenly realizes that hey, even caucasians can be stupid and reckless asshats who neverthless breed (how else can they pass on the Stupid to the next generation and provide customers for Good2Go Car Insurance?)  The woman in this ad is driving a nice car with a freaking child in the back but she doesn't have car insurance because....Reasons.  I'm sure she has what she thinks are good reasons.  But without knowing anything anything else about her, I can say with great conviction that no, no she does not.

Because think about this for just one more moment than the makers of the ad want you to- this is a woman who is carting a minor child around in her car without insurance.  So if they get into a wreck and that girl is injured, Literally Criminally Stupid Mom can explain to her child why the immensely thoughtless idiot who gave birth to her can't pay for her physical therapy.  "You see, honey, Mommy thought it would be ok to drive without car insurance because she would be really really careful and not get picked up by the police."  I'm sure she'll understand.

And being the clueless, selfish jackwad she is, I'm sure this woman will walk away from this experience- after paying a hefty fine and having her license suspended- thinking how unfortunate she was to be picked up by that g-d d-mned cop who should have been off arresting REAL criminals.  And wishing she had bought SortOf Insurance from Good2Go- it wouldn't have paid for any of her daughter's injuries, but it would have kept the G-d D-mned Fuzz off her back, and that's what it's all about, right?

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Another Good2Go dose of Depression. You're welcome.

Here's another idea, Martyr Mom- instead of acting as if you woke up one day with two kids and no money, go back in time and plan a little differently.  Or maybe just plan.  Then maybe you won't have two kids, bags of groceries, and no auto insurance....

Wait a minute.  So buying a car would be no problem- it's the insurance payments which would keep food out of the mouths of those kids (who, I'm sorry, really lost the genetic lottery.  Sorry kids, your mom is a moron and you are going to pay the price?)  And now that you are about to learn about Good2Go's super-convenient Low Low Prices For Sort Of Insurance Hey It Meets the Bottom Of The State Standards, you suddenly have the dough to buy a car so you can drive to the store and buy...well, what, exactly, since its hard to see how you also have money now....

Here's a tip, Stupid Woman Who Really Really Needs a Time Machine:  In another couple of years, those kids will be big enough to help you with the groceries.  Then they'll be out of the house most of the time with their friends who have parents with measurable IQs and both food AND transportation.  Then you can just grab food for yourself before you hop on that bus.  And wonder what happened to your youth and your dreams of a decent life.

Oh and btw, thanks for perpetuating the "single black mom" stereotype.  Really needed to see that again.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Good2go auto insurance: Depressed Yet?

The guy in this ad HAS a car but he doesn't have auto insurance because....well, in his own words, every time he's ABOUT to buy insurance, something comes his daughter's birthday.  And then, we can assume, he breaks into that jar on top of the fridge, scoops out the change he was GOING to use to buy car insurance, and uses it to buy something a birthday present for his daughter.

I'm sorry, but I just gotta say it:  I think it's pretty damn safe to assume that Daddy got kicked out of the house by Mommy quite some time ago, and it probably had something to do with the fact that Daddy never quite got his act together when it came to being an adult with money.  It's all well and good that Daddy thinks it makes sense to own a car he can't drive because he can't afford insurance, but it's probably best for Daughter that he go on thinking that way Somewhere Else.  After all, Mommy looks like she's doing all right for herself in her own home, which I think it's also safe to assume she got in the otherwise Very Meagre Divorce Settlement.

So Daddy may show up for Daughter's Birthday in a bus because he couldn't pull together enough money for a present AND car insurance, and he decided to show up with a present this time around.  But if he arrives in a car and also has a present, that means he's aquired cut-rate, pays-for-nothing-but-satisfies-the-law month-to-month insurance, not that he's turned his life around and landed a decent job which allows him to buy standard auto coverage because he's also fixed his credit rating and gone some time before smashing into somebody or something.  In either case (and I know this is going to sound really mean) its nice that Daddy stopped by but its much, much better for all involved that he is going back to his own home at the end of the day.  Daddy's not ready for the real world, and maybe that's not his fault, but its not his daughter's responsibility, either.

Thanks for the present, Daddy.  Love you always.  The C9 will be along any minute.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Ask for a little extra, buddy- that Rent A Center bill comes due on Monday!

Maybe I shouldn't make fun of people who are so cash-and-credit poor that TWO FLAT TIRES makes them easy bait for a quick-cash loanshark company like this, even when that company is represented by a stupid fat toad in a freaking cape, but....


Ok, that's out of my system.  Now please, take the "loan offer" from the company recommended by a total stranger WEARING A FREAKING CAPE and get yourself two new tires so you won't be late for your shift at Denny's.  And keep your chin up- it's only a matter of time before your vote pays off and Trump Makes America Great Again!TM.

Until then, there's always   Moron.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Pretty White People, Their Glowing White Dog, and Flonase

Gee, I feel sorry for the pretty white people who used to feel limited by their allergies and weren't allowed to take their unleashed dog for long runs through the woods, where it could playfully jump on me and knock me down, after which these pretty white people would explain that he was "just being friendly."

But maybe I'm being unfair to the dog- apparently it's so well trained that it won't even shake itself dry until it is in its own home, being tended to by its perpetually delighted weirdo pretty white owners whose entire lives seem to be wrapped around their fixation on that bizarrely clean dog.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Tax10000, another tax cheat enabler making my hobby so much easier

Never mind the super-cheesy "Owed" v. "Really Paid" graphics, or the "Are you sitting down?  You only owe this much.."  (yeah, that sounds like a message from a company I would trust.  Super professional.)  Never mind the stupid scene with the "married couple" who look like they are in their late-teens are struggling with big wads of paper- how the hell did these people get into such a big tax mess before they were old enough to go to prom?

No, the most hilarious part of this ad is at the very beginning, when the first guy plays us his recording from Tax100000 or whatever telling him that he only owes $8000 of a $50,000 tax bill.  It's hilarious because you know damn well that five seconds after he got that recording, he was on the phone with another RipOffTheGovernmentDontPayYourLegitTaxes scumbag agency to complain about the remaining $8000.  And that he'll be in debt to the tune of about $50,000 five years from now.  Because you can't fix stupid OR selfish.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

For another ten cents, will Checkers give you a napkin?

This disgusting ad- and other versions of it- show up on the television mounted to my elliptical at the gym only about four hundred freaking times an hour.  And every time it does, I ask myself the same questions-

1.  If this woman is sitting in her own damn home eating this greasy stuff, why can't she find anything to wipe her damn fingers with other than her tongue?  She doesn't have a paper towel, cloth towel, or napkin, anywhere in that entire house?  Cripes.

2.  Why would this ad appeal to anyone?  It doesn't make the food look good, and it sure doesn't make me hungry.  It actually turns my stomach little.  Plus, the message is "if you're the kind of person who likes to buy cheap stuff, here's our cheap food to fit your lifestyle."  Ugh.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Taco Bell- because quantity trumps quality, I guess.

Wow, that was close!  This lovely young couple almost stopped at the traditional fried chicken stand to buy and consume traditional fried chicken, when just down the road is one of the 13,000 Taco Bells scattered around the United States and where they could purchase mass-produced, tasteless greasy crap instead!

If this was a commercial for a hotel chain, we'd see this couple fly right past the rustic Bed and Breakfast and hit the Motel 6 at the next exit instead- and be totally convinced that they made the right choice.  "Wow, that was close- we almost chose quality!!"

What kind of bizarro world do I live in, anyway?

Monday, February 27, 2017

Nintendo Switch- yet another way to waste the only life you'll ever have!

First things First!  Don't even wipe the sleep out of your eyes or get out of bed before picking up your drug--- err, Nintendo game system-- and start your day of electronic addiction!

Walk around hunched over your stupid toy as you fix breakfast, and don't let your eyes wander away from the screen until you manage to grope your way to the living room, where you can stick it into a console and transfer the mesmerizing but stunningly vapid and pointless pretty images to a larger screen!

Then flop down on the couch in a posture which will play havoc on your spine (don't worry, you won't feel the effects until later, so it doesn't really matter) and idle away the hours of your life pretending to do something while your brain and muscles atrophy and life passes by outside your window (it doesn't matter- there's nothing out there but sunshine and people and other non-electronic stimulus, which means it's all boring and pointless and lame and doesn't even come with a cool soundtrack or extra lives like that game does!)

When you finally do get enough of your drug of choice, don't notice that another day that you'll never get back has passed you by, because nothing outside your cocoon had any meaning to you anyway- after all, it didn't include a single jumping cartoon character or castle or battle or anything that is really worthwhile!

(By the way, if this advertisement wasn't quite depressing enough for my readers, please check out the comment section.  There really is no hope for the future.)

Sunday, February 26, 2017

TV "Everywhere." Because really, what else is there?

I guess we are all supposed to be jealous of this zombie idiot's ability to endlessly watch tv as he strolls through what he laughingly calls "life."  No matter where he goes, his eyes are fixed to that screen, gazing at everything from Game of Thrones to ancient Seinfeld episodes to Back to the Future.....

Personally, I'll never understand what could possibly be attractive about staring at a phone like one of the freaking Walking Dead, oblivious to the world around you as you lose yourself in whatever witless crap you used to have to stop watching for a few moments because you left the house for some reason.  Thank goodness THOSE days are over, huh?  Now it's all television, all the time, which just leaves me wondering....why DID you leave your house, moron?  Because you could?  You sure don't look like you're about to accomplish anything beyond a crick in your neck (and premature blindness caused by thousands of hours of gazing at a glowing screen.  Please,  There is a G-d, isn't there?)

The only way this commercial ends well is if this drooling jackass walks in front of a doubledecker bus and gets squished like a ripe grape, him and his g-d-mned addiction shaped like a phone.  Loser.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Breathe Right, or go viral. I guess.

Because it's 2017, nobody thinks it's at all intrusive for this little girl to be making a YouTube video of her mother while she's sleeping.  Just keep taping your mom, isn't it hysterical that she's having trouble breathing and is snoring, boy does she need help- and the attention of as many viewers as we can find!  "Like" my post, everyone, and don't forget to Subscribe to my page, #StupidMomGaveMeAPhone!

It would be nice to imagine that in this commercial's sequel, we see Daughter lose her data plan for being so stunningly disrespectful- at least by 20th century standards.  But it's 2017.  This is just what people do now.  It's perfectly normal.  Really.

Friday, February 24, 2017

We are, on the other hand, right on par with Mexico.....

At least we can be assured that the people coming across the border looking for a better life won't turn on the tv for the first time in their new American home and instantly sneer at the poor quality of our commercials.  Not if this is any example of the junk they are currently being subject to back home.

Heck, I can see commercials like this as one of the reasons why people would flee to the United States.  Sorry, Dreamers- we may have more job opportunities, but our ads are just as rank and insulting.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

In which we fall even farther behind Canada.....

American advertising agencies fully intend to start making commercials like this as soon as they've run out of drooling "Real People Not Actors" to gush over Chevrolets, zombies who need need need the latest SmartPhone because the one they bought last month Isn't Quite Good Enough Anymore, and middle-aged jackasses looking for magic pills to cure the slightest annoyance preventing them from living their lives in absolute 100 percent comfort at all times.

Soon as all that's done, we'll start putting out commercials like this.  Promise.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Sorry I asked, Grampa....

Does anyone think it really makes sense that granddaughter's innocent little "just like you, grampa?" comment should serve as a segue into grampa explaining the details of his lung illness?  Holy crap, grampa, she's like four years old.  When she says "just like you," the most you should reply is "yes, but I'm taking medication to make me breathe better."  She doesn't need to hear the freaking pitch you memorized from the commercial before you pushed your doctor to prescribe whatever the hell this ad is trying to sell us.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

I don't care what Home Depot says. You don't got this.

I've been in a Home Depot maybe 500 times in my life, and not once has anyone walked up to me to ask me if they could help me find what I was looking for.  Maybe I needed to stand in front of stacked piles of former trees with a stupid, lost look on my face in order to attract attention.  I suspect that if this had worked, the Home Depot guy would have been irritated when I told him that I was just trying to decide which of the 1500 light bulb options were right for me- "oh no, I'm not here to buy $6000 worth of wood and tools so I can hurt myself in a hundred different ways, I just need a few light bulbs...."

But of course Amazing SuperSuburbanDad, being hit over the head with the hammer of Inadequacy and realizing that having a job which pays for this great house in the suburbs, the trophy wife and the kid is suddenly not good enough, figures that the credit rating that bought all that stuff can buy him the skills to build a treehouse, too (a treehouse which suddenly must be built because his son has got it into his head that Dad knows how to build one, or its awesome that he has a friend whose dad knows how to build one, or something.  I'm not sure what is really going on there, but if I have it right, what the kid learns at the end is that all he has to do to get what he wants is to casually mention that Cody's  Dad Got One For Cody.)  He just needs the right materials.  So the Home Depot guy, spotting him as an easy mark from across the store, quickly convinces him that even though he can't boil an egg without setting the kitchen on fire he's perfectly capable of handling heavy materials (including a power saw- I can see this ending well) and putting together a treehouse twenty feet above the ground...well, if nothing else, it should make an amusing afternoon for the neighbors...

Naturally the guy who can't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight manages to slap together a virtual mansion of a treehouse in no time at all, and without losing a single finger in the process.  Which makes me wonder why anyone learns carpentry when all one really needs is a few minutes with a Home Depot guy and the willingness to spend a huge chunk of money on tools you'll use exactly once because you couldn't bear the thought of your son not realizing Daddy Can't Do Absolutely Everything.

But hey, at least he finally got some practical use out of that enormous pickup truck he bought for some reason last year.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Saturday in the park, mugged by another dumb Verizon Commercial

1.  How many total losers can you get to stand around in the middle of a park to listen to a Verizon spoakschoad make a fool of himself if they think that there's a slight chance that they might show up on television later?  Apparently that number is in the dozens.  Or maybe the crowd in this ad is made up of handpicked Not Actors who flunked the Chevy commercial audition because they didn't drool and squeal enough over the looks-like-every-other car they were being shown.

2.  Just imagine- the guy who wrote this ad thinks it's clever.  You can just tell.  He probably presented the idea to a group of mentally ill squirrels and they didn't respond by tearing his face off, so he figured "hey, that's a good sign, people will find this amusing."

3.  The only way this commercial ends well is if the crowd starts booing or just walks away in disgust at the wannabee standup's sad attempt to be funny while admitting that yep, Verizon set up those enormous letters in the middle of the park and asked people to gather around.....for a fifteen-second sales pitch and a bad joke which didn't get better with repetition.  Otherwise, it's watching it is a waste of time.  But at least we didn't have to set up those letters or stand around around for twenty minutes waiting for the director to tell us we could start pretending to be interested.  So that's something anyway.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

I want to be a "Social Media Manager!"

Seriously, it sure looks to me as if Lilly has just landed the easiest job on the planet, if it really does consist of sending out one-sentance alibis to disgruntled customers she doesn't even have to talk to. She even has Grammarly to help her- meaning that she quite literally needs no expertise at all to do her "job" (when the network goes down, she has absolutely no clue- yet it's apparently her "job" to respond to customer complaints that the network is down and to reassure them that someone- certainly not her- is working to fix it.  Please explain to me why an automated system couldn't do what she's doing, and much faster?)

And yet, when the day is over, she's asked if she had a tough day.  Holy crap, if that was a tough day, I wonder what an easy one looks like!

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Happy Valentines Day from Amazon and Doritos!

1.  This is a perfect opportunity for you to re-evaluate this relationship, and your life in general.  Why are you so desperately afraid to be alone for a little while, when THIS is the alternative?  Instead, you are just going to do what you always do, which is rationalize- "he's usually not like this," "every guy on the planet acts like a disgusting eight-year old with food,"  etc.  And just sit there like a slug and ask your electronic friend to order Doritos.

2.  This is also a perfect opportunity for you to excuse yourself to go buy more Doritos.  Maybe you can use the time outside the house to, yes, re-evaluate that relationship and your life in general.  Maybe you'll admit that you've had enough of spending every Sunday sitting on the couch for seven hours while "your man" fills himself with grease and stares at the screen like a zombie.  Maybe you'll admit that you jumped the gun a bit because you hit 25 and you heard that clock ticking.  Maybe you'll realize that you want a bit more out of life than this, and he's NOT going to change, and in ten years he's going to be 50 lbs heavier and even more loathsome and there's still going to be football every Sunday.

3.  Just think- the way technology is going, we are only a few months away from Doritos automatically being ordered when his fingers hit the sensors at the bottom of the bowl.  They'll arrive by drone and just tip into the bowl, and he won't even notice he's eating a fresh supply.

4.  Why are you sitting there?  Oh right, I keep forgetting- the house.  The MRS degree.  It's Better Than Being Alone in This Scary World.  But is it?  Really?

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Oh and BTW, what's "Atomic" about the Atomic Lantern?

Notice how so many of these late-night Only Available on TV products are sold as "military grade" by scruffy guys with tough voices who I'm pretty sure are all trying to convince us that they are veterans of Operation Desert Storm and not serial killers?  The guy in this ad "needs" a tough "lantern" (i.e. flashlight) because he has this habit of tossing them into the back of his pickup truck and driving for several seconds through rough terrain before stopping and using it again.  Jeesh, why not just leave it in the front seat with you, moron?

Anyway, this "lantern"- which is just four sets of LED lights made in China- is available for $19.99 with free shipping, and if that isn't good enough to get you rushing to your phone, you can get a seconed one "for just an extra fee."  I really hope that the "extra fee" is another $19.99, because that would be hilarious- "you can get a SECOND Atomic Lantern for just double the price of one!  WOW!"

Anyway, the weird psychopath who likes to toss it into the back of his otherwise-practically-empty pickup before driving another twenty yards really likes it, plus you can encase it in ice or blind the fish in your aquarium with it, so I guess that's pretty cool.  Except I found another guy on Youtube who tells me that the only difference between this Atomic Lantern and the electric lanterns you can buy at Big Lots for $5 is that the Atomic Lantern is black and the ones at Big Lots are orange.  Hmm.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

April 15 can't come fast enough...another stupid tax prep ad.....

Let's just ignore the fact that the only way that this guy knows how to research online tax preparation services is to use three laptops.  Because "New Window" is just not a thing in this guy's universe.  Whatever.

I'm more irritated at the thought that the guy in this ad can afford a nice house and three laptop computers, but he's spending his weekend looking for an online service that will do his income taxes for free.  Ugh, talk about penny-wise and pound foolish.  He's the kind of clown who is going to end up using LegalZoom to write up his Last Will and Testament because.....well, it's the cheapest option.


Friday, February 10, 2017

Cookie Do. Less Solution, More Problem

Maybe the only thing the fattest nation on the planet needs more than another McRib season:  the perfect dessert to grab on the way home from another trip through the Taco Bell drive-thru.

Remember when eating cookie dough was something little kids did when there was some left in the bowl mom had used to mix it know, make cookies?  Remember when eating large amounts of raw cookie dough was something comedy show writers imagined that heartbroken young women and single young men did because they were damaged or just plain infantile?

Of course, those were the days when watching hour after hour of television was seen as the last refuge of the friendless loser.  Today we buy cable packages which allow us to record thousands of hours so we never, never have to STOP watching tv, and gazing at it while sitting on buses or walking down the street is seen as perfectly normal, even desirable.  So, overflowing waffle cones stuffed with cookie dough?  Just par for the course.

I'm buying stock in pharmacutical companies that specialize in insulin tomorrow.  My comfy retirement is assured.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

It's a Glade Air Freshener commercial. I'm not kidding.

No, seriously.  All this crap is here to sell you one of those things you buy to cover up the fact that you don't clean the bathroom as often as you really should.  I expect the woman in this ad to be entering the mystical, magical land of Lysol pretty soon, because spraying a house with chemicals is also easier than lugging out the freaking vacuum and mop.

This is just plain bizarre.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

"What's Important" according to PNC Insurance....

Turns out that ninety percent of this advertisement is dad's fantasy of what his daughter's wedding will look like (and cost.)  He's daydreaming about his little girl's wedding day as he stares at her sitting on her bed.  The little girl looks to to be around six or so, meaning that wedding date is a little while off, but considering the scope of the wedding he's imagining I guess it makes sense for him to start saving now.

So when this guy looks at his little daughter and thinks of the future, he doesn't imagine his little girl graduating from Law School or starting her own business or traveling the world or writing the Great American Novel.  Nope.  Today she's his daughter, but someday she'll be somebody's wife, and she'll be out of his house (maybe he's just fantasizing about what he can do with the room once she's been handed off?)  That day of transition will come with a big, beautiful and very expensive party, but it will come.  And when it does, it will include all the stupid stereotypical showy frilly bells and whistles dad can afford.  So if he wants to show well to his neighbors and the family of the Appropriately Male and White Groom, he'd better open that investment account right now.

College?  Meh, whatever.  Maybe later, if he's got time and money and if he ever gets around to seeing his daughter as something more than a princess in a fairy story getting whisked off by her Prince Charming.  Hell, I'll be happy if he just stops staring at her and imagining her on her wedding night.  Stop that, creepy dad!

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Bud Light Presents: Spuds Mackenzie, and another illustration of why I mute the Superbowl Commercials

In this truly reprehensible take on A Christmas Carol, an ugly young man who decides that he's just going to stay home and not spend yet another night drinking cheap, crappy watered-down beer with his loser friends is shown the error of his ways by the ghost of a done-to-death advertising campaign from the 1980s.

After admitting that he "has no excuse" for why he doesn't feel like yakking it up with the dumbass clueless idiots who try to fill every free moment of their lives with pointless blather and alcohol, the ghost of Spuds Mackenzie (remember him?  Me too.  Miss him?  Me neither) dangles before him and takes him on a journey of discovery in which it's revealed that while he has been hanging out at home, his friends have been busy being stupid at bars and bad neighbors in the suburbs.  If only he had made better choices, he could have been there when the illiterate morons he used to hang with couldn't finish a common phrase to win a trivia contest!  If only he had not blown off that party at his Nameless Friend's house, they wouldn't have run out of Bud Light, causing Rudy to fail to score with Suzy.  Or causing Suzy to make it home safely instead of driving her Kia into that van of kids trying to get home from the movies.  He could at LEAST joined in the fun when Bob got into that fight with the police officer who came to issue the noise complaint.  Or something.

At no point is it even suggested that this guy's friends really care one whit whether he's there or not, by the way.  They seem to be having a great time without him- probably because, despite the ad's tagline, it really is all about the beer, not the friendship.  We don't see them mourning his absence.  Nobody offers a toast to him and wonders why he became such a weirdo who wants to do something other than hang out and drink even when he doesn't have an "excuse."  They are just One Idiot Short, and that seems to be just fine with them.

Anyway, thanks to the dangling spirit of the Bud Light mascot, our Hero realizes what a terrible mistake he's been making whenever he's decided that he just doesn't feel like spending another evening drinking garbage with his drooling idiot friends.  So from now on he'll be there, and those friends will notice because he has the trivia answer and he brought another case of Bud Light-- and that's about it.   Pretty sad.

(Go Patriots.)

Friday, February 3, 2017

Verizon's "Half House" commercial makes NO sense

I suffered through this entire stupid commercial because I thought that at the end, the message would be "if you live in a space only half the size of the average house, a lot of companies will make you full price, and that's not fair.  But Verizon doesn't charge you for more than you get, so if you live in half a house, we only charge you half THEIR price...."

Instead, the whole "half-house" thing seems to be completely pointless.  Yes, these idiots live in "half a house," for whatever reason.  But Verizon doesn't discriminate against them "just" because they live in "half a house"- Verizon treats them exactly the way they treat their customers who live in normal, full-sized houses (or the kind of houses that exist on tv- massive, gleaming mansions.)  Verizon charges the half-house people every bit as much for cable as they charge people who live in those full-houses.  Um, yay Verizon?

(By the way, the "half-house" shown here is still bigger than my apartment, which is connected to the outside world by Verizon for a fee that makes me feel like I live in a big, thanks again, Verizon?)

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Another episode of Verizon's Not-So-Brave New World....

Watching the idiots in this ad act as if the world is coming to an end because they can't watch television on the train or are experiencing several entire seconds of "unconnectability" is either rage-inducing or sad, depending on how much coffee I've gotten in to me when I watch it.  That guy on the train looks like his head is going to explode if he goes much longer without spilling mindless crap into it.  Oh noes, he's alone with his thoughts!  Hit the fricking panic button!

And then we have the countless scenes of people standing on their cars, on their bathtubs, frozen in one place on the street, frantically trying to get a signal...instead of just moving on with their lives and doing something else for now or going somewhere else to find a signal if "doing something else right now" is just too bizarre an idea to contemplate.  And what is that jackass doing with those cats?  Oh, of course- he's making an Awesome YouTube Video millions will Like but will add absolutely nothing of value to anyone's life, but will cost those millions several minutes that they'll never get back. 

But the very worst part is when we see the  jackass "parent" in his son's treehouse, who for some reason can't just be having fun with his offspring in the backyard because....he can't get a signal?  Why?  Oh, let me guess:  the plan was to sit in that treehouse and watch a movie on the phone, right?  Because why else would you build a treehouse other than to have another place to watch tv?

Anyone really want to live like this?

Saturday, January 28, 2017

The nation I live in, according to radio commercials

If you listen to Sirius/XM Radio for an hour, you could fairly come to the conclusion that in the United States,

1. Millions of Americans are carrying at least $10,000 in credit card debt that they "can't" pay back,

2. Millions of Americans have been ducking and dodging the IRS for years because they owe huge amounts of money in back taxes or have not even filed their taxes in like forever.  Presumably they need help because they can't afford Donald Trump's lawyers. AND....

3.  Millions of Americans use CPAP machines that they don't know how to clean properly.   Maybe this is the case- for the first six years I traveled to Louisville to grade Advanced Placement exams for Educational Testing Service I was randomly assigned a roomate, and TWICE the person I was paired with used one of these devices.  That's a remarkable coincidence, or these machines are more common that I could have ever imagined.

I realized last November 8 that I didn't know the United States nearly as well as I thought I did.  But Sirius XM Radio is constantly reminding me what an outlier I am....

Friday, January 27, 2017

And all from the comfort of your couch!

"Forge your own Empire.....on a computer or TV screen.  You know, instead of actually doing something!"

And the best part is, you'll burn almost no calories or mental energy doing it.  So just settle in which a crate of Cheetos and a few cases of Red Bull and kiss another weekend goodbye.  Enjoy your expanding wasteline and dead brain cells, they are the best friends you've got outside of Facebook.


Thursday, January 26, 2017

If Kid Cuisine was actually made OF penguins, it might be more nutritious.....

I guess all the penguin stuff ("made by pengueens?"  Wow, we aren't even trying here, are we?) is meant to distract us from the fact that this is greasy non-food disguised as Decent Nutrition and Good Parenting.  It fails because if the child penguin - no doubt desperate to consume SOMETHING that wasn't actively KILLING him- didn't show up with a basket of peaches there would be NO nutritionally redeeming value to the "meal," which until the introduction of a dabble of fruit consisted of fried processed chicken parts and fried potatoes.

And then we get to see why the little kid is eating this crap- Mommy is a bit too busy on the phone to "waste" time making something that might actually help her offspring grow up to be a healthy adult.  Naw, just eat this microwaved fat instead, kid.   Mommy's got priorities.

"Made by pengueens" but fortunately not actually consumed by them.  We have enough endangered species as it is.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

McDonald's sets a very low bar for interns....

So the people in this office think that their new intern is "great" because he managed to go all the way to McDonalds and bring back the right coffees.  Uh-huh.

Personally, I'd pull the intern aside and tell him that McDonalds has these things called "lids" and they are available for the coffees with whipped cream as well as the ones without.  They are really helpful when you pick up coffee that is actually coffee and not obviously plastic.  As in, real life.  Which is what I think McDonalds was going for here....which means that this intern is not "great," but instead really, really stupid because he got lids for some of the coffees but not for others.  Even if the McDonalds he went to is on the main floor of this building, that's really stupid and not something any "great" intern does-- or anything anyone with two brain cells to rub together does.

So who is dumber here- the stupid intern or the employee who calls him "great?"

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Samsung's Gearfit and the Perfect Crime

Let's cut right to the chase, shall we?  This guy is clearly not used to physical exercise.  He didn't get that belly overnight, and it's not going to go away overnight.  He should not be attempting to jog down the street like that, especially if he's sweating and gasping for air after three hundredths of a mile.

It would make a lot more sense for him to start off with short walks, and quickly transition to longer walks.  Then start mixing short runs with his long walks.  Finally, if his knees hold up and his heart rate stays within a safe range, go entirely to runs.  Stepping out of the house and immediately breaking into a jog?  Not a good plan.  At all.

Oh, and I've got more bad news for you, sweaty fat guy- your wife is trying to kill you.  She's encouraging you to continue to do something you are clearly not ready to do and that no sane, licensed physician would recommend.  She's either got a boyfriend or you've done a great job keeping the insurance payments current.  You're welcome.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Spray Perfect- another Made for TV Gem!

Well darn, I was JUST about to order this AMAZING new product (just for my toes, of course- in my line of work, it might be dangerous to my paycheck to use it on my fingernails) when I scrolled down the comments and realized that the makers of this ad are engaged in a rather blatant form of Lying By Omission.  It turns out that the reason why the spray-on polish "magically" sticks to your nails and not to your fingers is because you have to apply a "base coat" to your nails first- oh, and you do that AFTER washing your hands very carefully to remove any trace of oils which might prevent the spray from sticking to those nails.

So when push comes to shove, spraying probably doesn't take any less time than applying polish the old fashioned way.  I guess you're supposed to find this out after you've purchased it and the makers of this junk have your money already.

I still might consider buying this- not for me, but for my students, if I find that the spray does not produce the same migraine-triggering stench that comes whenever one of the girls in my classes pops open a bottle of polish or polish remover.  I mean, I'd rather explain to the building manager why the desks are covered with spray paint than explain to the police why I had to throw that kid out the window for "forgetting" that Mr. Jamele can't deal with the smell of toxic chemicals, not to mention that Room 133 is AP History, not a freaking Nail Salon.....

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Verizon's "never explore on your own ever" crusade against humanity continues...

...or you could actually carry on a conversation, play cards, read books... you know, like non-lunatics did before it was possible to lose oneself in a phone or (ugh, someone kill me now) 3-D glasses which let you "see" what you're going to see before you get there...gag....

Hey, you know what else lets you see things in 3D?  Your EYES.  High-Def, too.  No, really.

Never mind.  Just put these things on and descend further into that isolating electronic cocoon you've allowed technology to build for you.  Sad, sad people.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

23andMe: The Ultimate Selfie

Or maybe it's just the Ultimate in self-absorbed, money-burning-a-hole-in-your-pocket naval gazing self-absorption?

There's a radio commercial on XM/Sirius for this company that basically screams "look how f--ing insane this product will make you, you bored jackwagons!" It features a couple on what seems to be their first date.  The guy tries to make small talk but his attempts at being friendly are constantly foiled by his date's obsession with her new 23andme report.  He offers her a coffee, and she declines, telling him that her 23andme report says she's more likely to be addicted to coffee.  He suggests a movie, and she replies that its a good idea because her 23andme report says she's more likely to be a night person.  When she says she has to run, she adds "and I CAN run, because my 23andme report says I am likely to be a good sprinter!"

Her date responds politely, which suggests to me that she's probably really, really hot, but I can't tell for sure because after all it's a radio commercial.  If he were me, I'd respond by telling her goodbye and tossing her phone number in the nearest garbage can, because looks aren't everything and I've dated more than my share of lunatics in the past.

As far as I'm concerned, 23andme (and and all the other Find Out Who You Are By Ignoring Your Actual Life "services") are just symptoms of the cocoon-society we find ourselves in. If you want to "know who you are" these days, you don't take classes or volunteer or write or do anything to discover and unleash hidden talents.  You just send a few drops of your spit to a laboratory or pay some internet company to tell you where your great-grandparents were doing a hundred years before you were born.  You don't build anything yourself- you just take credit for what some distant ancestor did in another country because after all, that guy passed his genetic material on through your family, well, that's about it, actually.  And you don't take responsibility for anything you do, you just find some chemical excuse for it- "I'm addicted to coffee because that runs in my family."  Oh, and you totally toss out the concept of Free Will along with your individualism- "I'm just a bag of germs mixed with DNA strands made up of people who came before- whatever I do is pretermined by that DNA."

This sounds good to some people- mainly those who are so bored and directionless and afraid of life that they need a security blanket and a map and big shove to get them through each day.  I thought that was what established religion was for?  Or are 23andme and just the new religion?  The Church of Me, anyone?

Monday, January 16, 2017

Verizon's idea of "Balance...."

One of the world's most successful drug dealers has noticed that some people are starting to spend all of their waking hours partaking of the drug being sold to them.  So that very successful drug dealer, having spent millions of dollars in commercials convincing its customers that they should never, ever stop using the drug and should not ever let anything else interfer with the use of that drug, decides to create a series of advertisements designed to convince the junkies that the drug dealer is really concerned that the drug has become a little too important and wants to offer a compromise.

Let's say your kid really wants you to be at his birthday party.  But you'd rather be taking your drug.  No problem- just physically be at the birthday party while mentally devoting all of your energy to the drug.  The kids won't mind- they'll look up and see you every once in a while, standing there with a big stupid look on your face, and they might even be able to convince themselves that those smiles are for them and not a consequence of your ability to feed your addiction while "attending" the party.

 It might add a little to the deceit if you could bring yourself to look up every once in a while, but hey, baby steps.

So here's how you balance "life" with "television:"  Go through the motions of being engaged in life, and just keep watching television, you drooling zombies.  Any other questions?  Ask Google.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Questions for the writers of this Even Dumber than Usual AT&T ad....

1.  Why is Lily just staring at this guy as he walks out of the store?  Her job with him is done.  There are other customers in the store waiting for service.  I know- I've been to AT&T stores, and I've never once seen a situation where a customer service rep is just waiting around to help someone.  It's always wall to wall customers and when you're done with one, you start with another.  But in these ads, Lily is always shown just shooting the breeze with the customers as if they are the only people in the store.  And other than nameless, faceless non-Lily employees, they usually are.

2.  At least the jackass walking out of the store doesn't do that "whaaaaaaaat?" sound out loud.  Man, is that played.  It's beyond stupid, it's "Cray Cray" stupid.  I really hate the 21st century, but it would be slightly less loathsome if we could ditch this brain-dead shorthand for language.  Why does that have to be included in this ad?  Because you hate me personally?

3.  This guy is really so infatuated with the "deal" he got (available to everyone, and certain to make AT&T a nice profit otherwise it would not be offered, moron) that he actually has to remind himself to stay calm until he gets out of the store, as if he's an f--ing shoplifter or something?  I can only guess this this is your image of the fantasy customer, completely euphoric over the latest "deal," convinced that he's put something over on AT&T by "negotiating" it, so giddy with the new toy he'll regard as an antique six months from now that he can't keep himself from walking into the freaking door?  Really?

4.  Why do you hate us so much?  Other than line up hours before the store opens to buy your latest gadget, what did we ever do to you?

Point of Personal Privilege: The latest "Star Wars" Movie.....

First, a message to those who don't know me that well: I am a huge fan of the original Star Wars films.  And by "original" I mean the versions that were released over the six year period 1977-1983.  Those are the ones I went to see in the theater multiple times each, the ones I first owned on VHS, and the only ones I really acknowledge as "Star Wars" films.  I don't really mind the "Special Editions," otherwise known as "George Lucas getting bored and going back to 'fix' things that weren't broken," except when they actually change the original story (Han didn't just fire first- he was the only one who fired.  He killed Greedo in cold blood.  Period.)  I skip over the "Han confronts Jabba" scene added to the original because it's not necessary and stupid and it didn't appear in the version I saw in the theater in 1977.  But I'm starting on an old rant, and that's not the point of today's blog post.

The prequels were just garbage, and better forgotten.  However, I do have to mention them today in reference to the film I saw last night:  Rogue One:  A Star Wars Story.

Here's what I have to say about Rogue One:  It was reasonably well-acted, the special effects were not overwhelming, and unlike the prequels and Episode VII it was not an  over-the-top bastardizations of the original series.  There were nods to the original film but they were subtle, not insulting, and they reminded me of my childhood rather than attempt to rob it like Episodes I-III and VII did.  The CGI was toned down and the characters were more in focus than in any Star Wars film since the originals (the most remarkable CGI was not used to create the battle scenes, which were obviously but not obnoxiously an homage to the final battle in Return of the Jedi, but in the recreation of the Peter Cushing and Carrie Fisher characters, which were not insulting or overbearing, but welcome and seemed natural.)   I don't know if I want to see Rogue One again, but I know I didn't leave the theater disgusted and angry like I've pretty much gotten used to since 1999.  I felt like I had watched a film made by people who really cared about the Star Wars legacy and were not JUST looking to squeeze another billion dollars out of the concept.

In fact, I'd say that an appropriate working title for the film might have been Rogue One:  A Missed Opportunity, because this film would have served as a far superior alternative to the putrid mess dished out to us as Episode III back in 2005.  It takes us right up to the minute the original Star Wars films start, which brings me to my only real quibble with a film I thoroughly enjoyed (I have to do some complaining, right? Well, here it is:)

Just before the end of the film, we see Darth Vader enter the rebel ship and effortlessly deflect the blasts of a dozen or more lazers with his light saber.  He basically single-handedly invades the ship and wipes out the defenders.  But in the original Star Wars which picks up minutes or maybe hours later, Stormtroopers have to fight their way into the rebel ship, losing a significant number of their own before overpowering the rebels, and only then does Vader enter.  If Vader was capable of wiping out the rebel defenses and capturing the ship without sacrificing stormtroopers, why didn't he just do that the second time around?  I can only guess the reason:  the makers of Rogue One needed to show Darth Vader using his lightsaber strictly for Fanservice.  Oh well, can't have everything.....