Monday, August 21, 2017
The couple in this commercial look to be about forty. And they are telling the TD Ameritrade guy that they've "carefully saved" $103,000 and are nervous about investing it because, after all, it took them a long time to save that $103,000 so it's super important that they don't blow it on bad investments....
Couple of things. First, if this couple really is about forty, they are at least 25 years from retirement and are still around a decade away from their peak earning years. At the rate they are going, they could expect to quadruple that amount at least without even trying. Which brings me to my next point...
This couple is not even trying. If they've "carefully saved" $103,000 and are just now thinking maybe of sorta investing if they can be sure the investments are safe, they have been stashing money away in a bank which is paying them no interest, meaning that every year they've been saving their hard-earned, carefully-hoarded money has been losing value. Their strategy so far has been one step above the Bury The Cash In Coffee Cans In The Backyard method. Idiots.
I suppose the TD Ameritrade guy is too good at his job to openly laugh and shake his head at these stupid people who apparently think that it's 1896 and a savings account at the neighborhood bank is the solid foundation of a retirement plan. So he'll suggest that rather than be concerned about $103,000 they've got saved up a freaking quarter-century before retirement, they ought to be thinking about making that money- and future "savings"- grow at a rate somewhat faster than the 1% they've been getting at the Safe As A Vault Because That's What You're Using It For bank.
Finally, I don't give a flying damn about these people. They are barely getting started and they've got $103,000 in savings? I hope an earthquake devours them and the pile of cash they are so damn proud of. I hate you people so damn much- but not as much as I hate the fact that there's a massive industry devoted to hiring grinning number-pushers dedicated to manipulating your cash to make other people rich in return for virtually no actual work. They make you jackwads look like saints.
Saturday, August 19, 2017
The woman in this ad is so distraught at the idea of being single, she's actually mourning the end of a "relationship" she had with a disgusting, insensitive-to-the-extreme slob and willing to take "relationship counseling" from one of his equally loathsome friends.
Think about it- the message here is that the woman does not know how to fill the void in her life created by the imminent departure of the man-child sitting next to her. And the man-child? He's already found a way to replace her. It's with a handful of greasy beef and carbs. She's already been forgotten, because Hey Calories.
And think about this- loathsome male who barely acknowledges her existence because he's shoving poison into his cake hole has an actual male friend there to back him up. Where's her support? Oh, she doesn't have any- she's all alone in the world, now that the guy she thought was going to be The One has decided she's totally expendable as long as Taco Bell keeps coming up with delicious ways to deliver toxins to the bloodstream.
I'd say that this woman is better off, but it's hard to imagine that she's not going to quickly find another sociopath to cling to in the hopes of fulfilling the American dream of marriage, children, house in the suburbs, and....well, that's about it, actually.
Friday, August 18, 2017
If you are going to loudly demand Every Game, All Season, like the loathsome choad in this ad, you'd better come to grips with a few things.
First, you aren't a football fan. Football fans follow a team. Maybe it's their college team, maybe it's the NFL team they grew up with. Maybe it's both. But NFL fans do not follow every team, every week, because unless you are insane you get that there's more to weekends- and life in general- than watching football.
Second, you aren't even a sports fan. I'll explain further by linking it to another ugly phenomenon which somehow became normal over the last ten years, that plague on America called "Fantasy Sports."
Fantasy Sports Fans- like NFL Direct Ticket fans, you are not actually sports fans. You aren't even Fantasy fans. You are fans of finding reasons to sit on your butts doing absolutely nothing while your brains and bodies turn to mush and your loved ones go about their lives without you. You practitioners in the Art of Not Moving.
In short, you are in the same group as the people who demand live streaming and infinite DVR'ing and "must" have access to Netflix and Hulu and Amazon Prime 24/7. Pathetic.
I don't know who these commercials are supposed to appeal to, but I can think of two possible target audiences:
1. People who are currently spending as much time as possible on the couch but who are perplexed by a nagging feeling that when the game is over they really ought to get up and do something because, you know, life and relationships and fleeting time and all that. If the football never ends, that nagging feeling never shows up, right?
2. People who already have the package and spend 20 hours or so every weekend watching football but who worry that they are being abnormal and who need affirmation that devoting one-seventh of their lives to a tv show is something others aspire to do.
3. People whose lives from Monday to Friday are so unbelievably horrible that they really do need entire weekends of TV Coma to "recharge" and get ready for another five days of the relentless agony which defines their existence- and who have already binged on Game of Thrones marathons.
Anyway, thanks to everyone for purchasing the DirecTV package. You are making traffic much more bearable on the weekends by just staying in your caves with your glowing friend. Just don't call yourself football fans, because the only thing you are fans of is being immobile as much as possible before death comes to claim your flabby, worthless selves.
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
If you live in this freaking palace, you have ZERO business complaining about the quality of your sleep, you entitled asshats.
Seriously, I just love these ads, which always feature the beds located in impossibly opulent rooms with 360 degree views of oceans, city skylines, etc. The message of each is "you're unbelievably wealthy. You've got pretty much everything. Oh, but if your sleep isn't 100 percent perfect, then neither is your life. I bet you didn't even realize it, but for a few more grand which you have lying around anyway, even your sleep can be Superior to that of your Lessers. So buy this."
Monday, August 14, 2017
I bet the woman is this ad always unplugs her phone charger when it's not in use. You know, to save energy and all that. Think Globally, Act Locally.
And then, before going out on a date which will last a few hours, she leaves her television on so her dog can watch ping pong. Otherwise, he might.....um, be lonely while she's away, I guess.*
One step forward, two steps back. Again.
*this is assuming, of course, that the guy goes through with the date after witnessing her insanity. Personally, I'd see this as her way of scaring me off. It would work, too.
Sunday, August 13, 2017
The woman is this ad is singing the virtues of nonstop "connectivity," from the moment she rises (and before she actually gets out of bed) to the end of the day, when she meets up with the ugly choad she's decided is "cute" enough for her, or at the very least better than those other guys she flung away with a swipe of her finger because she could.
The most amazingly wonderful thing about the world and her life is that her phone "evolved" with her, so now every single thing she does- from ordering a total stranger to pick her up in an unfamiliar car to picking out someone to breed with- can be done with one little hand-held device. She can even do really STUPID things (even more stupid than using phones to get rides from strangers or pick out potential life partners) like make flowered crowns to wear at the movies, or something. I don't know what that's all about, and I'm pretty sure I don't care, because this is a pretty stupid woman.
In the end she's super-happy with Mr. "he's cute" (which sounds a lot like "he'll do") which tells me that this woman is really into stupid-looking doofuses who are obviously going to be bald before they get near 30, but hey to each her own. Not as much as she's into worshipping her phone, though. Not even close.
Saturday, August 12, 2017
I actually commented on this commercial back in 2011. I didn't go back and look at the post, but I'm pretty sure I said something like "yeah, right- what people really want is to get the Very Important Information they want more quickly so they can get back to their real lives. Sure, they do. No, they don't. Because people actually like staring at their phones and if you give them faster connectivity they'll just use that to stare at more things on their phones."
I'm pretty sure I wasn't proven wrong. In 2017 our phones can do more, faster, than they could way back in 2011. And stop me if I'm wrong, but I haven't noticed a decrease in the amount of time people spend staring at their phones.
In fact, I feel pretty safe in arguing that what seemed like stupid, time-wasting, zombie behavior in 2011- walking down the sidewalk with eyes fixed on the phone, sitting at a restaurant and staring at that phone rather than talking to the person you are "with," and basically incorporating that phone into every aspect of your life no matter how bizarre it might have seemed a few years ago- has become so normal that I suspect a lot of people look at this ad and say to themselves "yes, really. And? So? What's the point?"
I also think it's safe to say that the drug dealers who peddle the idea of nonstop electronic stimulus in the form of Permanent "Connectivity" have won their battle with civilization, and restaurants of the future will feature single-seating because our phones don't need chairs.
Friday, August 11, 2017
What are your goals in life?
To be a good person? Loser. Good people get stepped on.
To be a good father? What are you, a woman? Next thing you know you'll be telling me you want to know how to change a diaper. Pansy.
To do a good job at work? Uh huh. Good employees don't get the promotion. You're a drone. Sheep.
To be a good husband? Thanks for adding to the feminization of males. I bet you like participation trophies and gender-neutral clothing, too. Ninny.
Here's what your goals in life SHOULD be, and WOULD be, if you were a man and not just a male:
Be the BEST person. The GREATEST. Better than your neighbors. But even that's not enough. Gotta SHOW them how much better you are by parking this gigantic truck in your driveway.
Be the BEST father. Take your kids to the gun range. Teach them from an early age that they must win at every sport, bring home every trophy. And none of this second-place stuff. That's like having the second-largest truck on the block. That's for losers. Are your kids losers?
Be Employee of the Month. Every month. Get to work early and stay late. Take credit for the work of others, get adept at back-stabbing, spread rumors about your fellow workers. Get that raise, get that corner office. Take two spaces in the parking lot with your massive truck, so it's shadow falls on at least two lesser cars belonging to the lesser employees.
Be the BEST husband by bringing home the MOST money so the Little Woman can buy the kids the BEST clothes and take them on the BEST vacations and drop them off at school in that massive truck so their friends can stare at awe at it's- errr, YOUR- awesomeness.
Above all, spend your life rubbing everyone else's nose in your obvious superiority. Start with this truck. It will instantly make you better. Take our word for it.
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
I'm not even going to get into a rant about the sexualization of teenagers so obnoxiously obvious in this horrible ad. I'm too stuck on the fact that unless you squint and look quickly at the little pop-ups in the corner, you probably wouldn't even notice that this is even a commercial for back-to-school clothes and not a really, really horrible music video for an act you have no interest in seeing ever.
Oh, and the terms "Rad Fashion" and "Dope Denim." Rad? Dope? Oh right, this is supposed to be 90s throwback stuff. The "Me, Myself and I" lyrics should have cued me in. Holy crap, I was just getting used to the 80s nostalgia stuff- we've moved on to the 90s already? NOOOOOOO!! Not before Video Rental Stores make a comeback you don't!!!
Anyway, buy this stuff and your teens will be ready to go to school dressed like their parents were back in the 90s, I guess. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to feeling old now. Stupid Macy's.
Monday, August 7, 2017
1. It's pretty clear from the tone of this woman's voice that this guy has bugged his significant other many, many times in the past with this "you gotta see this" nonsense. Yet she feels compelled to get out of the bathtub and walk into the living room still wet and wrapped only in a towel rather than make him wait until she finishes her bath and gets dressed. Good Trophy Wife! Good Girl!
2. Turns out that what she's "gotta see" this time is that the son she managed to birth- fulfilling her contract with the jackass bag of money with legs she married- is capable of bleating "go Irish," which I guess is supposed to be impressive despite the fact that the kid is at least four years old and should probably be getting some testing done if he CAN'T say "go Irish."
3. Trophy Wife/Mom, wondering why the bank account she sold herself to isn't capable of taking care of their son for more than ten minutes without interrupting her while she takes a bath, murmurs something that sounds like "Ok, great, I'm going to go back to doing what I'm doing" but which probably more accurately translates to "thanks for reminding me again what I sold myself for. I have to go look at that wedding ring again, and maybe check out the Lexus in the driveway, before I succumb to complete despair."
Next time, lock the bathroom door, Trophy Wife. Or just keep on keeping on, because no matter how obnoxious that man-child you chained yourself to in exchange for a house and financial security is, it's still better than navigating the big scary world all by yourself, right? Right?
Sunday, August 6, 2017
Hey, rich white people with money burning holes in your pockets! Running out of ways to toss that money away? Coming dangerously close to looking into that charity thing you hear people on tv talking about? Well, here comes Uber Eats to the rescue!
Now you can get your favorite high-end food without leaving your house or office- transforming "eating out" from an occassional benefit of your gilded existence to something you do three or even four times a day (yes, you can have chef-prepared SNACKS delivered right to your palace, your majesty!) After all, you don't really like to cook anyway- the only reason you ever shopped was to be seen by your neighbors in the Brie aisle at Whole Foods. Now whenever you and your pretty white friends want to get together to eat, you don't have to risk sitting next to lessers. Just get on that App and have a big pile of delicacies delivered to your house, or the park, or the beach, or any other out-of-the way inconvenient place you want to drop your pampered butts Because You Can now.
Because Uber isn't just total strangers driving around hoping to sell you a ride anymore. Now it's total strangers delivering gourmet food, you disgustingly spoiled little twats. I just hope this means you plan to spend more time in your well-furnished cages, because that at least would be one benefit to the rest of us who believe me, won't miss you for one moment.
Saturday, August 5, 2017
So I guess the "punchline" of this "very funny lol" commercial in which three guys and a dog have survived the Mayan apocalypse is that one of their friends "didn't make it" because he drove a Ford truck instead of a Chevy. Because while Chevys can survive being buried by tons of granite and steel, don't even ATTEMPT to get yourself through the End of the World in a Ford.
So these guys all enjoy a bit of a sad chuckle at the fate of their friend, who I guess at the last minute had a choice of which car he was going to drive-? I mean, did he have two trucks in the garage and just picked the wrong one not realizing that this was the day he was going to need the "real" one, the Chevy?
When this eventually does happen, I'll be in the rubble because I don't drive a Real Man's Truck like these mouth-breathing morons who BTW obviously cast their last ever vote for Donald Trump. So I won't be around when they die from some horrible disease brought on by long-term exposure to the rotting corpses which surround them as they toast their awesomeness with whatever beer they were able to find in the shattered shell of a liquor store down the street. Nor will I be there when they draw lots to decide which one they eat first. I'm betting the dog makes it out of the first round.
Friday, July 28, 2017
One more extended vacation from this blog before heading back to school and the routine- this time I'll be spending a week at Hampton Beach NH, where we've been renting a house every late July/early August since the late-90s. Very little by way of internet connectivity, so no chance of updating the blog until Saturday, August 5.
Please enjoy the archives while I spend a week taking long walks, swimming, playing paddle ball and having coffee and protein bars for breakfast and ice cream for dinner....and playing ancient video games at the arcade. See you next Saturday!
Well, that's over. Now Dell encourages kids to use their laptops to secretly play stupid video games instead of paying attention in class.
Oh, but maybe the hidden message here is that Peter Parker is already a science savant bored out of his mind in a way-too-easy High School science class, so he can totally ignore the lame teacher and play mind-numbing, time-sucking games and still ace every test?
And I'm not even going to get into the fact that the kid is supposed to be Peter Parker and he's playing a video game starring- his alter ego? Seriously, what the hell? Oh wait, I said I wasn't going to get into that.
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Pretty much every YouTube commentator/glue-sniffer adores this ad. They all find it LOL OMIGD SO FREAKING FUNNY, thanking Allstate for "finally depicting a smart man in a commercial for a change," and begging the company for more commercials just like this EPIC BTW WHO IS THE MOM SHE IS SO HOT ad.
Personally? I wonder why the hell this guy is ok with the job of carting around his idiot zombie family, or why no adult in any commercial featuring cell phones has any control at all over when they are used and when they are off. (Great modeling there, btw, Mom.) I wonder what would be so horrible about this guy saying "turn your phones off when you're in the car and talk to eachother like human beings. Pretend we're a family or something." But apparently that simply isn't done anymore.
Instead, we get an ad which would only be funny if the husband was saying something like "you idiots have no idea that I've cleaned out the bank account and am going to fake my own death so I can be with my mistress starting Friday night. And maybe you won't even care until the phone bill comes and you realize how addicted you are to electronic stimulus. I'd almost like to see that. But not enough to stick around."
Now that would be a commercial worth gushing over. This? Not so much.
Monday, July 24, 2017
In all of the other episodes in Southwest's apparently neverending "Wanna Get Away?" ad campaign (which I think rivals only Flo from Progressive in wearing out their welcome) we kind of get that someone has done something really stupid and would really, really like to be able to melt into the ground and vanish from sight rather than deal with the consequences of that really stupid thing.
But in this ad, the guy who shows up and identifies Fenwick has unwittingly saved the life of every person in his defeated group except one- Fenwick. They should all be thrilled that they managed to be incredibly loyal and brave yet because of this one guy they will get to tell their grandchildren how incredibly loyal and brave they were. The dope looking for his shield has saved an entire army from annihilation- only one guy, Fenwick, will be sacrificed. Which is what Fenwick wanted anyway- shouldn't he be the very first to thank this guy? I mean, what are we supposed to think- that if the guy with the shield hadn't shown up, they all would have been spared, and now they are all going to be executed? Because I got the opposite message.
(After all, if after the battle between the slave army and the Romans in Spartacus someone had unwittingly identified Kirk Douglas as the guy Lawrence Olivier was looking for, Spartacus would have been satisfied, Crassus would have been satisfied, and the slave army would have been sad but spared. Instead they all get crucified. That's a happier ending?)
So what am I missing here?
Sunday, July 23, 2017
So the people in this boring but affluent suburb are doing the usual boring but affluent things- playing catch, writing on the driveway with chalk, etc.- just minding their own business and enjoying life, when....
...they are interrupted by a parade of roaring ImpulseBuy LookAtMe StatusMobiles, which completely distract each and every one of them from the quiet little moments they were enjoying and compel them to stare with drooling mouths at the cars which for some reason are coming down their street at a speed at least 15-10 MPH over the posted speed limit (oh and this is apparently the only suburb in the United States without any speed bumps, anywhere, but never mind....)
I supposed that when these idiots have moved on, the kids and adults who live in this suburb will completely forget what they were doing and will continue to be consumed with Consumer Lust which will not be satisfied until a red Mercedes Benz is in the driveway. I just hope that once that itch is scratched they are allowed to go back to doing those innocent but very unprofitable things they were enjoying before they were interrupted by Madison Avenue. Down $60 K or so, it's back to playing catch and writing on the sidewalk, right?
Friday, July 21, 2017
Maybe it's because I was born after 1980, I don't know, but I'll agonize for ten minutes over which brand of freaking laundry detergent to buy and when I used to shop for cars I'd visit the dealership at LEAST twice before finally committing. My travel agent knows that I'll be sending her at least half a dozen emails requesting information on as many different countries before I decide which, if any, I'm going to be visiting next summer- and then I'll start the long, ardous process of nailing down the right week I intend to go.
But apparently it's perfectly normal nowadays for young people to see a house they like, whip out their phones, and commit to a 30-year mortgage in about fifteen seconds flat. Monthly payments? Insurance? WTF-ever, I guess. Checking out different banks to see who is offering the best deal? We don't do that anymore, grampa. We've got Smartphones now- which means we can make life-defining decisions by scrolling our finger across a screen. We've got thirty years to think about it, starting later. That house is available, we want it, what else is there to discuss?
A few years ago I snarked on a commercial which featured someone using a Smartphone to check out pets available at the local shelter, and picking one out based on how it looked on her screen. I feel stupid for making fun of that person now. The people in this ad are spending far less time researching mortgages and agreeing to spend $400,000 plus interest between now and mid-century than that pet-seeker did in finding a small mammal to take care of for a decade or so. I thought "One-Click" adoption would come before instant mortgages. Shows what I know.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
This ad reminds me of those Educational Videos put out by Encyclopedia Brittanica or Centron back in the 1950s which were supposed to remind kids that Freedom isn't FreeTM and that all the wonderful things that make life in the lily-white suburbs worth living- cars, parks, schools for white people, and prefab housing for white people- not to mention cheap fruits and vegetables for white people harvested by brown people- come to us courtesy of American Capitalism, which is God-Given but must be defended with prayers, hard work, and the Military Industrial Complex.
Sure, when you flip that switch, you just "take for granted" that because you paid your electric bill, the lights will come on. But being a spoiled rotten We Americans Have No Idea How Much Blood, Sweat and Tears Went Into Providing This Service culture, we need two minutes of "this is why you should shut up about the negatives attached to oil, natural gas and nuclear power because hey do you want power or not?"
Turns out that for me to have the power to run my laptop so I can post this blog, thousands upon thousands of people had to sacrifice millions of hours to build thousands of miles of pipelines and wiring and dozens of nuclear power plants, I had no idea and I feel so immensely selfish and will never again complain when there's a spill or meltdown and I'm sure as hell not going to ask where the waste goes EVER, because after all it's my fault it even exists because I turned on my laptop and I TAKE IT FOR GRANTED that power will be there.
While I'm at it, I sure as HELL am not going to ever grouse about my electric bill again, when you consider the army of people who toiled for decades to create the grid which even made the Miracle of Electrical Power possible, I should be thankful it's not a thousand times higher, and I should be AMAZED that despite the obvious superiority of the American Energy System (direct from Canada, but shut up) virtual saints are (unbelievably) working to make it EVEN BETTER OMIGOD WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS I'M NOT WORTHY!
Personally, I'd be proud to have a nuclear waste dump in my backyard. Or fire coming out of my faucet. I'd think I was doing at least SOMETHING to contribute to this Miracle of Endless Practically Free Energy All The Time and not just being a selfish ungrateful maggot like those hippies with their Commie solar panels and wind farms (I bet they are all atheists, too.) Now if you'll excuse me, I have to flip my lights on and off while singing "God Bless America." Oh, and thanks to you too, Canada. I guess.
Monday, July 17, 2017
...wearing a day-glo green backpack, or looking both ways before I cross the street, or working hard to make eye contact with drivers before attempting to cross the street, or always walking defensively, assuming that the people operating motor vehicles these days have their eyes on everything BUT what is right in front of them....
...when you are just going to keep coming out with products designed to encourage those motor vehicle operators to completely zone out concerning everything going on in the real world all around them and just be on Facebook or obsessively checking their email instead of making sure that they aren't slamming into someone who is just trying to get from Point A to Point B without being smushed from a completely distracted asshat who is supposed to be OPERATING A MOTOR VEHICLE AND NOT F--NG AROUND WITH THE INTERNET????
BTW, I just love how no part of this ad actually shows anyone using the WiFi capabilities being offered- probably because Verizon couldn't figure out a way to do it without showing people breaking the f--ing law, which they are totally being encouraged to do with this kind of technology. I'm doomed.
Sunday, July 16, 2017
Just do a quick survey of YouTube comments and you'll see that Chevrolet's "Real People, Not Actors" series is among the most loathed in the history of commercial buffoonery. Chevy's response, clearly, is to just ramp up the jaw-dropping dumb by putting the pathetic mouth-breathing "I'll say or do anything for a few seconds of facetime on tv" Real Idiots into increasingly absurd, forehead-slapping situations.
Check out this latest chunk of stupid, accredited to Valley Motors or something which I guess is just one of the 3500 or so local Chevy dealers in the United States where you can see one of these dull crapmobiles for yourself. One of the Real Shameless Not Actors squeals with delight because she's test driving a Chevrolet on a racetrack, something she'll never be able to do once she buys the car but figures that won't matter because taking Brady to soccer practice will feel just like being on the Nascar circuit. Another refugee from a nearby Trump rally gives us the obligatory "WOOOO!" as he uses a Totally Unnecessary But Satisfyingly Compensating pickup to- umm, climb some obstacle, for some reason. Never mind that he'll be using that $40,000 toy to haul garbage and couches and groceries over speed bumps and will never, ever encounter anything like this obstacle in real life. As for the guy who wants to "head to the Chevy dealership as soon as he gets home," well, more power to you, buddy. I don't even care that you're blatantly brown-nosing Chevrolet to get yourself on tv because when you've sunk as low as this, what difference would my dissaproval matter to you, you pathetic nothingburger?
The really bad news is that there's absolutely nothing different about these ads except for the word "Summer." These look exactly like the ads we saw all last fall during the baseball playoffs and then during the NFL season. And there are always Chevy sales events going on- always. Just like there are always people ready to chirp valentines to Chevy in exchange for 2 seconds of "hey look at me I'm on tv" validation. Man are you people sad!
Saturday, July 15, 2017
So the fiftysomething husband and father in this ad looks at his thirtysomething trophy wife and the kids she dutifully popped out for him as her end of the bargain and says "look, honey, I work pretty damned hard for this multimillion dollar home with it's massive kitchen and modern appliances and even bigger living room. And I know you think that I'm a bottomless well of cash, mainly because that's what I told you when I convinced you to surrender your youth to me in exchange for a life of security.
"Fact is, these mortgage and Lexus SUV payments are taking a pretty big bite out of that hedge fund money- I'd explain to you what 'hedge funds' are and how they support this lifestyle, but if you were interested in clogging your pretty little head with stuff like that I would never have married you- and the kids' endless parade of extracurricular activities don't help much either. Not to mention the big-screen TVs and internet access you kind of insisted on so you don't go absolutely insane in this house while the kids are away and Juanita (whom I am NOT sleeping with, yet) is doing the shopping and cleaning. And let's not forget Juanita, who is fifteen years younger than you are and has the kind of body you had when we first met, just sayin'.
"So we're going to have to economize somewhere. And since I have hefty life insurance policies on you and the kids, and I'm home maybe eight hours a week anyway, it's going to be in home security. That's why I'm going to protect your guilded cage with a bargain-basement do-it-yourself saw-it-on-late-night-tv so-called alarm system. It will keep you and the kids- and Juanita, if she's not helping me in the office that night- super safe, I assure you. Now how about another beer, hon?"
Friday, July 14, 2017
In 1991 I bought a Dan Quayle watch, but they weren't being sold to "honor" Dan Quayle. This has got to be brilliant snark, right? Right?
I mean, it uses every cliche from every Collector Plate/Prayer Coin/Authentic Replica WWII Watch commercial ever, right down to the ancient codger telling us that he is "proud to own this bear, and proud to be an American." Heck, it might even be the SAME vet who told us that he was proud to own the Not-Actually-WWII-era aviator-style watch and was "proud to be an American."
I mean, I know this is an incredibly stupid country populated by mouth-breathers (look how 46 percent of us voted last time around) but this can't be real, can it? Or if it is, and someone will actually answer that phone number and there's a factory in It's Pronounced JINA making these things, this concept was put together by someone with a PhD in Cynicism?
This can't be the brainchild of someone who actually LIKES Trump, can it?
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
My guess is that Barack Obama, having been born in Hawaii, is ALSO unable to stream Amazon Prime....
Never mind the video; I didn't bother to watch it and it really has absolutely nothing to do with what I hope you all consider an hysterically forehead-slapping blog post. I just wanted to include a clip from my friends at Amazon Prime, all of whom deserve this snark more than most of the people I blog about....
Ok, here's the setup: I have Amazon Prime, which means I have access to Amazon Prime Video. I'm in Vermont, which I THOUGHT had been part of the United States since 1791 (not trying to be pedantic, there's a payoff coming up, I promise) on summer vacation and I thought I'd just play a video to pass the time.
The video started, only to be interrupted seconds later by a message: "Access to this Video is Prohibited due to Geographical Licensing Restrictions." I tried another video, and got the same message. Then another. And then one more.
Then I wrote to Amazon for an explanation. And hilarity ensued. Here's their response, copied and pasted from my email. I haven't changed a single word. I am not kidding:
In 2015 my place of work switched to Evergreen Health, and I had to find a new primary care physician for the first time in more than 25 years. I went to Evergreen's "very helpful" website, where I found a long list of general practitioners who, as far as Evergreen was concerned, accepted Evergreen Insurance at the present, or once upon a time, or maybe in the future. In any case, I spent some hours over the course of some days failing to secure the services of a general practitioner. For about a year.
During this time- the winter of 2016-2017- I was so constantly sick that I finally gave up and went to a CVS Minute Clinic for treatment. First, I checked the CVS website to make sure the Minute Clinic accepted Evergreen Health. They did. Then I called Evergreen Health to make sure they would pay for the Minute Clinic. The nice lady on the other end of the line said "yes, CVS takes the insurance," which isn't what I was asking but was as close as I was going to get to an actual answer. So I went to the MinuteClinic and got a prescription for what was basically Claritin. A month later, I got a bill for $140- $160 minus the $20 Evergreen paid for. I wonder, if Evergreen had paid fifty cents of the $160 visit cost, would they have said "yes, CVS takes the insurance?"
Anyway, for two years I tried and failed to find a general practioner through Evergreen Health's not-at-all-helpful website, and every time I called to talk to a real person I was urged to use one of Evergreen Health's Primary Care Offices, conveniently located nowhere near any metrorail stations (and only one located on a bus line.) This spring I gave in and made an appointment at the only clinic I could get to by bumming a ride with a friend and taking half a day off from school.
The visit went well- I got a complete physical and everyone was very nice. Yay, contact with a doctor again! Kind of the reason we have health insurance to begin with!
Last month, I got an email from Evergreen Health- the company "regrets to inform me" that it is closing down it's primary care offices- all of them- this summer. I was given 60 days to pick up a copy of my health record (which I could obtain if I gave the office three days notice.) I was also given the advice to use Evergreen Health's web site to find a new primary care physician.
I'm sure this is Obama's FaultTM, but whoever is to blame, I'm about to start my third year of paying premiums but not actually having a primary health physician except for that one day this spring. Thanks, Evergreen Maryland, for playing your part in making the American Health Care System the very best in the whole world! I'm sure that a good percentage of those Canadians fleeing their own awful Socialized Medicine to seek Good Medical Care use doctors who take your insurance. I just wish they'd drop me a line and let me know who those doctors are. I could return the favor by warning them not to try to use one of your Primary Care Offices, since they don't exist anymore.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
I haven't been on another planned summer vacation for the past several days, just stuck without electricty, and then with electricity but without internet, which to many people means without electricity because as one of my Facebook friends pointed out, what is the point of electricity if it isn't used to get one on the internet?
But tonight I have both internet and electricity, so I can update this blog by posting what isn't exactly a commercial but is more like a review which turns into a commercial by pulling a great big "this isn't as bad as you think because take a look at this much much worse thing over here" out of nowhere at the last second. Burger King's deep-fried mac and cheese monstrosity "won't set you back as much as you think," we are told, because it has "only" 310 calories per five pieces (and we just KNOW that the lard-butt future heart disease patients who would consume this are going to limit themselves to five pieces- and not eat it as a side with a Double Whopper, oh no..) But here's the kicker- we shouldn't be too critical of BK's fried macaroni and cheese dusted with more cheese because KFC's Double Down Bacon and Mayo between two fried chicken slabs has more calories! I mean, check out this gigantic picture and everything! As long as you aren't eating THIS, you are doing just fine- heck, you might as well get two of those 5-piece fried cheese things, you'll still be ahead of the game!
Never mind that this is exactly like telling someone to go ahead and drink that coffee laced with rat poison because at least you aren't putting a gun in your mouth and pulling the trigger- that would be REALLY destructive! Yep, because 'merica. No country is better at killing itself with food and being aggressively proud of its ability to rationalize it. Ugh.
Thursday, July 6, 2017
(The word "Life" in the video title used very loosely...)
Dear Crazy Dog Lady:
Just because you never met a fellow human being willing to tolerate you and your insanity doesn't mean you get to call your Sad Substitute for an Actual Family your "boys." They are dogs. Three big, clumsy, stupid dogs who look to you for food and shelter and pretty much nothing else. They don't love you. They'll never love you. You can talk to them about your problems- and man, do you have problems- but they won't understand a word of it and they really don't give a damn anyway. They'll never give you advice or a loan and they sure as hell aren't taking care of you when you're sick. For all the "love" you provide them, including this tic medication or whatever the hell this commercial is pushing, the only thing you're getting in return is hair and dirt and noise and the opportunity to pick up and carry around feces when you take "your boys" for a walk.
A few more things- your "boys" don't give a damn that you serve them in different colored bowls. They are color-blind and even if they weren't all they would see is the food. They have no clue that you are protecting their health by adding medication to that food- and no matter how long they live, they'll never reach an age where they'll tell you how much they appreciated the care you put into "raising" them, because they don't appreciate it, they just expect it, maybe because from the moment they were puppies you gave them the idea that you exist for them and not the other way around (which is actually the case, if you could be honest with yourself for just a few moments.)
Just to wrap up- you are going to outlive your "boys." Probably by a lot. People generally don't outlive their kids, and they certainly don't expect to. That's just another way your "boys" are not your "boys," they are your pets. They'll die and you'll replace them with other "boys," or maybe "girls," and then that generation of Animals Which Live With Me Which Are Just Like Family will also die and be replaced, and so on and so on, because that's our relationship with animals* unless we are Insane. Just Sayin'.
*My parents lost one of the animals that lived in their house last night, the victim of a little guillotine which snapped it's neck when it wandered into the wrong part of the kitchen. I opened the trap and tossed the nasty little thing into the weeds. They'll get over it.
If I had the technology, the time, and the talent, I'd probably replace this blog with videos like this. Except that they'd be even more clever. I'd fulfill every lazy semi-talented slacker's dream of becoming an instant YouTube celebrity sitting at home watching the massive checks just keep showing up in my mailbox- err, I mean, being direct-deposited, of course.
Because I don't have any of those things, I'm stuck with this non-paying, Just Because I Need To Rant Sometimes blog. Oh well, at least that means I can slack off now and then and just post awesome parodies created by people with far more talent. This one snarking on Grammarly, for example, which does a great job hitting that Literacy is Overrated Man Those People Who Paid Attention in English Class Were Such Suckers Product.
Oh well, the people who made this still deserve a pat on the back for a job well done, so here it is. I wonder if Saturday Night Live has done their own version, and if not, why not?
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Whoever Karlie Kloss is- and Youtube tells me that she's a Supermodel and Entrepreneur, whatever- she isn't a web designer and at no point in this video does she show me how to design my own website. She just shows me how to type Wix.com on my web browser's address line, which I'm pretty sure I could figure out all by myself and without one stupid video after another hosted by Karlie Kloss.
She also shows me how absolutely, unbelievably delighted she is with herself and her life of camera-mugging, jumping around, and generally acting like an idiot with a brain stuffed with straw and yogurt because she knows how to use Google to find chimp-friendly tools her assistant can use to create a website to let people know that she's not JUST that annoying woman on YouTube peddling Wix.com- she's a real, successful Supermodel and Entrepreneur!
Anyway, glad you're picking up a little money on the side, Ms I'm Supposed to Know Who You Are and Take your Advice on How to Build a Website even though it consists entirely of "use Wix.com." I strongly suspect that if you posted a video "showing us" how to peel a banana, it would involve nothing more than "type 'Peel a Banana' and watch this other cool video, glad I could help, now if you'll excuse me, I have to get my picture taken grinning like a psychotic moron 'cause that's what I do! Glad I could help all you non-Supermodel non-Entrepreneurs!"
This ad for JD Wentworth's scummy "give us your structured settlement of lots of money in exchange for a lump sum nowhere near what's coming to you" is even worse than most because it literally tortures the viewer, and all because someone at JD Wentworth thinks that boy bands are still a thing.
As to the message itself- yes, JD Wentworth provides a perfectly legal service, legitimate in exactly the same way that "Rapid Refund" loans are legitimate- "oh, you have a large amount of money coming to you but you have to wait and you're willing to trade it for less money right now? Sign right here, sucker." Yes, perfectly legal. And yes, perfectly scummy and nothing to be proud of, let alone loudly advertising.
I imagine that if television had existed during the Crash of 1929, Mr. Potter might have hired a band to sing the benefits of trading in your Bailey Building and Loan shares for ten cents on the dollar, and there'd be people defending the practice. Ah, you were ahead of your time, Mr. Potter.
Sunday, July 2, 2017
I guess it was just a matter of time before someone invented t-shirts which absorbed odor, finally solving the age-old problem of what to do when you simply don't want to follow basic rules of hygiene and do things like bathe regularly and use deodorants. This commercial is a natural successor to those Lysol ads which feature people dumping entire cans of aerosol into couches because Oh No We Are Having Visitors Any Moment Now And We Are Disgusting Slobs Who Simply Will Not Do Any Actual Cleaning More than Once a Year.
And, guys? We are already living in the Golden Age of Shabby, with untucked shirts, uncombed hair, and unshaven faces being the the height of fashion. Never has it been easier to just roll out of bed and out the door (my battery-operated travel razor died two days before my overseas trip came to an end, and I have to admit I am grateful that I didn't feel the least bit obligated to spend five Euro on a couple of AA batteries, like I would have if it happened 20 years ago.) Now another once-necessary but Oh So Tiresome chore- bathing- goes the way of the dodo. Because being a slob in every other respect shouldn't include the stink, I guess.
I wouldn't invest in odor-absorbing clothing, however. We're probably only a few years away from smelling like a sweatband being all the rage and not announcing your presence with your body odor being something our way-too-uptight grandparents thought was important. This is going to get worse before it gets better, people.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Hello everybody, just wanted to let you know that I won't be updating this blog until July 2nd as I will be traveling to Italy between now and then and will not have access to the internet (or any interest in updating this blog) until I return. So please enjoy the archives while I visit the home of my paternal great-grandparents.....see you when I get back!
Monday, June 19, 2017
I guess this ad is telling me that First Mobile Check Depositing is perfect for jackasses who like to smear food on their kids' faces and stick sunglasses on their dogs and take pictures of both to "share" with the few people they know who aren't absolutely convinced that they are drooling morons who probably think that Donald Trump is one right smart biznessman who just keeps outsmartin' those know-it-all edumicated snowflake millenial spoiled brats.
Sunday, June 18, 2017
Ok, so this guy makes a living with some cool performance art/gymnastics which actually looks pretty cool. I'm totally fine with that. Just a quick question:
Is Isaac Hou aware of tax laws? I mean, he's handed a personal check for $2000 for a show- no deductions for Social Security, Medicare, etc. let alone federal, state and local income tax. No paperwork at all- just do your thing with your big metal hoop, here's $2000, take a break and you'll be doing another show in a few minutes.
I get that that Chase is trying to simplify all this, but I can see the IRS watching this ad and thinking "we've got to give this guy a call. He doesn't quite get how we do things around here. He can't really believe that he can just accept cash for payment without declaring taxes. Who does he think he is, President Trump?"
Friday, June 16, 2017
1. Why does every freaking disease now have a three-letter acronym? I just barely learned that Opioid Induced Constipation is a thing, and I've already been told that I should refer to it as OIC because...well, because we're living in the fricking twitterverse where were are all too damned lazy to use complete words anymore.
2. If my doctor referred to a complaint about constipation with "how long've you been holding this in?' my first response would not be to laugh, but to question that doctor's commitment to making me better. Illness is not a freaking joke. But the guy in this ad thinks it's downright charming that his doctor used his discomfort to drop a bad pun- so charming, in fact, that he REPEATS the lousy joke a few seconds later.
3. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the answer to this guy's constipation problem caused by an addiction to a prescription drug is....another prescription drug. It's America and it's the year 2017- of COURSE the answer to a medical condition caused by drugs is more drugs. What else would it be? Maybe cutting down on the opiods? Don't be silly- there's no money in that. What am I, a freaking Commie? Do I want the terrorists to win or something?
4. If you are popping opioids to deal with back pain, is constipation really something you're going to be concerned with? To repeat Point 3, wouldn't it be a little more in keeping with the Hippocratic Oath for a doctor to tell this guy "once we get you off these extremely powerful, organ-damaging pain killers, you'll have regular bowel movements, so let's focus on getting you there?" But again- no money in that.
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Could make one- just one- commercial in which the doofus who has the expensive accident is a woman? You know, to kind of break the rut you're in, with one freaking ad after another featuring a woman complaining because her idiot male husband/boyfriend/brother/son did something stupid with the car and ended up costing her money because he was too stupid to use Liberty Mutual for his insurance?
Please? Just one? I mean, I know you're trying to create some kind of balance after decades of unfunny "women drivers" bits, but two wrongs really don't make a right. So knock off the ads with sheepish, Ashamed Men and The Women Who Tolerate Them, please? Please?
Monday, June 12, 2017
Seriously, I find it very hard to believe that this commercial isn't snark written by a Trump supporter.
I didn't watch the entire thing- I could barely get past the whiny "I walk and walk and sometimes it rains" bit (yeah, welcome to the real world, doofus. You sound like those people who dismiss solar panels with "but sometimes it's night or it's cloudy.") Even worse was the totally offhand "I can take the train but it's an hour each way, and that's when it DOESN'T hit a person..." Holy crap, you're on a train that regularly hits people and all you can think is "Oooooh, this is really going to slow down my commute what a bummer?" Seriously? How fricking cold-blooded can you get, stupid self-centered jagoff?
I really don't care what she says beyond this, though I know she goes into what is supposed to be an ironic "we need double-decker highways tee hee hee I 'm just saying this because I know all the liberals I'm going to meet on the street (all of whom own cars) are going to respond hey the last thing we need is a bigger carbon footprint tee hee hee" and I'm guessing that it ends with a pitch for more mass transit. I'm hoping that it also includes a little about walkable communties, but judging from that earlier "I walk and walk and sometimes it rains" bit, I kind of doubt it.
So someone else can watch this whole thing and tell me what the magic solution to too much traffic and too much carbon and too much reliance on fossil fuels and earthquake-creating water-contaminating natural gas is, since it's not walkable communities (which by the way are also the solution to a lot of our health problems.) But never mind. I'm done.
Sunday, June 11, 2017
That homemade friendship bracelet thing is just fine for most people- I mean, it's the thought that counts. At least, that's what people with no money say.
But we Audi people- well, for us, it's all about Quality. So you give me this little friendship bracelet thing that you thought was pretty special and hoped meant that we would remain friends even as we went our separate ways for eleven months. You hoped that this little bracelet thing would help me forget that you don't even have the latest iPhone and your parents don't drive an Audi or even a Lexus.
I think bigger than you. Even though you aren't anywhere near good enough to actually MEET my parents- so I'm going to say goodbye right here and run to the car and not introduce you or anything like that- I'd like you to have this carved piece of wood with much better bracelets inside, to remind you that I'm so way out of your league it's not even funny.
So, see you next summer. Hope things turn around for your parents before then, so we can continue to be friends!
Saturday, June 10, 2017
There is absolutely no reason for the fat doofus who is supposed to be live-streaming this couple's ridiculous pretentious rooftop wedding* to admit that he's lost connectivity. He should just continue to hold his phone up and pretend to live stream the obnoxiously showy thing for the benefit of the laughably clueless couple who actually think anyone would be watching anyway, because....
Nobody is watching anyway. The people who said "oh I'm sorry, I can't be there to share your amazingly happy day oh how wonderful if you can live stream it" are off doing something else, living their lives, secretly thrilled to death that thanks to the miracle of live streaming they now have an excuse to avoid going places they don't want to go- like the roof of this building to watch you two pretend to be fricking royalty or something- because Hey, We Can Be There In Spirit By Watching the Live Stream....
So if the fat doofus just pretends to live stream this mess, the Happy Couple will never know. Because NOBODY is EVER going to say "hey, I tried to watch but the live stream didn't work" unless they also add "MY phone screwed up, sorry." NOBODY is EVER going to realize that fat doofus didn't live stream the stupid wedding because NOBODY IS ACTUALLY TRYING TO WATCH THIS WEDDING ON THEIR PHONES.
Now enjoy the rest of the ceremony, you self-important twats. And keep living in your fantasy world where the no-shows or non-invitees give a flying damn. Next time do what people with a tiny amount of foresight and something more than sawdust for brains do- hire a photographer with a video camera and a tripod (the only thing I want to watch less than a marriage ceremony is a marriage ceremony captured by a cell phone held with one hand by a guy in the front row) and then put the whole damn thing on Facebook. Where nobody will watch it.
*unless you are Reed Richards marrying Sue Storm, there is no way you can justify a rooftop wedding. Reed can do it because he's marrying Jessica Alba. You aren't marrying Jessica Alba. So don't even try the rooftop wedding.
As near as I can tell, this is the "college experience" according to Grand Canyon University -
1. Watching basketball games on your tablet.
2. Walking around a playground with children.
3. Standing in the most cliche'd classroom/daycare center ever seen on television enthusiastically pointing at enthusiastic children who are hilariously raising their hands to answer the question you asked, to demonstrate to you that they were hanging on every word, being such enthusiastic learners and all.
4. Sitting on the couch simultaneously using your laptop and talking on your Smartphone- because that's what "multitasking" looks like today, I guess. Wow, what a go-getter you are.
I mean, come on, gag me.
Thursday, June 1, 2017
2016 was the last year of Louisville's ten-year contract with Educational Testing Service to host the US History Advanced Placement test grading, an event I've taken part in since 2008. Tampa, a city I've never visited, will do the honors for the next ten years. So this is where I'll be June 2-9.
I don't know how much of this I'll get to see during my stay in the "Lightning Capital of the World" (that doesn't sound very promising...) but I'm sure I'll enjoy a little of the "longest sidewalk in the world" as I take urban hikes while not grading, I hope I get a chance to check out the beaches too, and visit the aquarium if it isn't too far from the convention center where I'll be working. The Tampa Yankees minor league team is in town so I'll do my best to get to a game. Oh, and I'll grade as many essays as I can when not seeing the sights and having fun.
Anyway, I won't be posting again until June 10. Please enjoy the archives, and see you when I get back!
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
A few days ago, I picked on M&M Mars for producing a god-awful commercial tying their candy with the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie. I don't take back anything I said; it was a very stupid attempt at cross-promotion which came across as lazy and insulting and made me retroactively hate both the candy and the original movie. All of that stands.
But compared to this schlock, the candy ad was high art. I mean, I know Dairy Queen ("DQ" this, seriously) is pretty much expected to produce the most insipid, barrell-scraping stupid commercials which don't feature beer or Real People, Not Actors. But this is even lower than their usual standards. We've got the thirtysomething white people in jobs held in real life by teenagers and college students, first of all. But then we've got one of those employees getting a thrill repeatedly wiping off a lifesized carboard cutout of one of the actors....um, wtf-ever, Dairy Queen. Anything to distract us from the Artificial Cold Junk In An Only Slightly Less Digestable Cup, I guess.
Oh, and just try to take one of these things into the theater with you when you try to obey the commercial's command to see Guardians of the Galaxy II. If I were you, I'd just smuggle in a bag of M&Ms. And go see a better movie while I'm at it.
Sunday, May 28, 2017
"You're the third guy to ask for her key in the last 24 hours. Oh well, none of our business. Here you go, sir."
So this woman is in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere, all by herself. She looks nervous and worried and on edge.
One day, a guy shows up at the hotel front desk and announces to the manager "I'm the husband of the woman staying in Room 122, give me a key so I can go in there with....um, 'our' dog and several bags of groceries and stuff from 'our' house so when she comes back from wherever she is I can surprise her."
The manager, suffering from extreme Common Sense Deficiency Syndrome (or CSDS, a treatment for which is coming to your pharmacy and your television in the very near future,) hands a key to this total stranger so he can walk right into the woman's room and wait for her. Why not, even though the hotel guest woman didn't inform the front desk that she was expecting anyone. The guy looks perfectly normal, except that he's kind of bleary eyed because he drove all night and he's got this big dog with him. Maybe the woman is hiding from her abuser? Maybe this guy is stalking her? Maybe you don't just open the freaking room up to anyone claiming to be a relation of the guest?
Nope, no problem. Here's the key, sir.
The only way this commercial redeems itself is if the woman shows up in the hotel room with her lover from work to discover that her plan for a romantic weekend has been ruined by her moron husband and by the even bigger moron who runs this hotel.
Trust Ford to put as much thought into its commercials as it does into its vehicles.
Saturday, May 27, 2017
This commercial was released early in 2016...yet that November, we were all stunned when Donald Trump was elected President.
It was right there in front of us the whole time- we are a nation of drooling hicks who love yelling "WOOOO" and watching big, loud, dirty things be big, loud and dirty.
We thought this country was going to choose a highly-qualified woman over a male reality tv bag of hot air?
What were we thinking?
Friday, May 26, 2017
According to Wikipedia, Arby's is the second-largest fast-food service chain in the United States (based on number of retail outlets.) Which means that pretty much no matter where you live in this great big fat Getting Greater Every Day country of ours, you are not far from an opportunity to shorten your stay by shoving this greasy crap down your already overindulged cake hole.
And here's another example of Art Imitating Life, from way back in the early-90s:
Meanwhile, half the world goes to bed hungry every night. Hell, even idiots who consume crap from Arby's, MacDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell or Kentucky FRIED Chicken, while not going to bed hungry, ARE going through life with nutrient deficiencies because the only Food Groups included in their diet are Fats and Carbs. All contributing to the obesity epidemic already aggravated by a lack of large grocery stores in the urban centers (just try to get fruits, vegetables and high-fiber bread from a typical inner-city convenience or mom and pop store. Liquor, lottery tickets and heat-lamp hot dogs, sure. Actual food? Not likely.)
But keep demanding death on a bun, morons. I'm investing in companies specializing in heart disease medication and knee replacement surgeries. I'll be fine.
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
So this woman is planning an outdoor party and heads out to the patio for the first time in a couple of years (I'm assuming this based on the amount of dirt she finds on the table and chairs.) I mean, the only alternative is that someone just happened to walk on to her patio, break the pot of dirt, and spread it all over the table and chairs.
Oh wait, there's one more alternative: that this commercial simply does not tie in any logical way to reality.
Anyway, this woman's solution to a problem solved by 99 percent of us with a quick hosedown is to attach a bottle of chemicals to that hose and then spend what seems like an hour or so shooting high-pressure water mixed with that bottle of chemicals on to that table and chairs like a germophobic maniac so terrified at the idea that there might be a tiny speck of dirt left behind that she's willing to drown the patio in water and chemicals.
And never mind that she uses so much water on those cushions that there's no way anyone sits on them without getting their pants wet inside of six hours- the important thing is that there's NO MORE DIRT ANYWHERE. Because dirt is the last thing we should be tolerating while we're outside. WTF-ever, Scotts. I'm not even going to go into the whole "Oh, Schmidt" thing. Not even worth it.
Monday, May 22, 2017
Cross-promotions are the drum solos of commercials. They are always just so g-d--ned awful and insulting and stupid. I blame one of the best movies ever made, E.T., for their ubiquitousness (is that even a word?) because of that one simple Reece's/Movie tie-in because it lead to almost four decades of this awful "eat this or drive this while watching this" banal crud.
This one is especially bad because the two stupid fricking M&M characters are actually in the damn theater watching the damn movie (which, by the way, go ahead and flame me you weird cultists, is one of the most freaking overrated films of all time, sorry now get a freaking life) when the disease-ridden, sharp-clawed rodent does what come naturally for it (eating bags of someone else's food.) This of course is supposed to be hilarious because get it, one of the adowable characters of that stupid It's Just Another CGI-Fest Waste of Time movie is or is not a racoon (the "debate," carried out exclusively by sad losers on the internet, continues.) Oh my sides are splitting.
So go see Guardians of the Galaxy II because hey, you saw the first one and since then you've been told a thousand times that it's the Gone With The Wind of action-adventure crap. And eat, umm, M&Ms, I guess. And popcorn. And play with racoons until they bite your fingers off and you choke to death on your own spittle. Or something.
Sunday, May 21, 2017
"Moms don't take sick days?" Um, why the hell not? Is it because Dad isn't there to help raise his own children, ever, and would probably accidentally kill them with his ineptitude if allowed to try for one day?
You can damn well bet that DADS take sick days. And spend them being mothered by Mom, who just adds him to the list of people who must be taken care of on those particular days. But Moms? Moms aren't allowed to be sick, and they really aren't allowed to rest, either, except during those hours when the kids are asleep and Dad doesn't need anything either. Her rest periods end when one of her kids- the children or the adult one- needs something.
Need a longer break, mom? You shouldn't have had these kids all by yourself. And you can take several days off when they are out of the house (and your hubby doesn't need you to for anything.) Or when you're dead.
Why do the makers of Nyquil and Tide commercials insist on acting as if we are still in some Leave It To Beaver version of the 1950s? Those days really aren't missed by anyone with a functioning brain. I really doubt the Dad in this commercial is all that anxious to get back to them, for example.
Saturday, May 20, 2017
"My little girl practically lives in her Princess dress...she wears it all week...."
Wait, it's about to get much, much worse.
"But once a week, I need to clean it. So what do I do? What any good dad would do- I let her play sheriff. While I clean that dress she's been wearing for a week."
No kidding. This guy lets his daughter wear the same freaking dress for weeks at a time, with brief intervals in which she wears a sheriff's costume so he can wash the stinking, grass-and-spaghetti-stained thing. And please note that he LETS her play sheriff for those maybe two hours it takes to wash her regular uniform, the princess dress. Then it's back to her gender-appropriate princess dress.
Someone please explain to me two things here:
1. Why the hell is this "expert dad" going along with this wear-the-same-dress-for-weeks-at-a-time bit? Does this girl not go to school? Is he just keeping her socially isolated in the house and the backyard, or what? I mean, how badly does this girl smell at the end of each designated laundry cycle?
2. How many brain cells would we have to donate to Expert Dad to get him to realize that a really good time to wash that stupid ugly dress would be in the evening when spoiled little princess is asleep and presumably wearing something else? Oh, would that require the idiot to go shopping for new clothes every once in a while?
3. Does anyone else think this commercial is really stupid and disturbing, or is it just me?
Friday, May 19, 2017
I'm going to tweak the script of this commercial without changing the basic message:
"We all love bacon. We simply can't get enough of it. We'd eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinner and all snacks if we could. When we get around to making 'Fourth Meal' an official thing- and seriously, it's only a matter a time in Donald Trump's America- that Fourth Meal will consist entirely of bacon."
"As we all know, the problem is that bacon is not very convenient to make. It creates grease which splatters and makes messes and is even dangerous. And because of these problems, we often deny ourselves our god-given right to consume as much pig as we'd like. The result? We aren't anywhere near as unhealthy as we COULD be if only SOMEONE could make the cooking of fatty strips of pork easier!"
"Well, here's the solution- with this handy little device, you effortlessly add hundreds of calories to your diet and subtract several years of your life! Yay bacon!"
*Just pay extra shipping and handling
Sunday, May 14, 2017
A) The pie-sized, grease-infused sandwiches these two slobs are about to stick into their faces?
B) The fact that both of these future heart attack victims is totally oblivious to the carnage going on outside?
C) The fact that the dreamy-eyed jackass can't even bother to use a napkin but instead wipes his mouth with the back of his hand?
D) Michael Bay continues to make money putting out this CGI-dominated, epilepsy-inducing schlock two decades after totally trashing the story of Pearl Harbor?
Saturday, May 13, 2017
First, how does the Pedestrian know that the car stopped itself? Can he tell from his view as a Nearly Crushed by Car Driven by Clueless, Distracted Dicktard that the driver didn't hit his brake?
Second- so, how many guys did this jackass driver kill before he bought this car which did his thinking and braking for him?
Finally- this crap happens to me at least once a week, as I am always a pedestrian. Never once have I even considered running up to the driver and having a freaking orgasm over his car. First, I'd probably get shot before I got to the window. Second, I don't feel compelled to thank people for almost but not quite hitting me. I know, I'm weird like that.
Friday, May 12, 2017
So if you walk past a house in which the lights are randomly turning on and off, you think "oh that house must be haunted?" Um, maybe twenty years ago a small child might have a reasonable excuse for taking that leap. In 2017 I think pretty much everyone instantly thinks "App" when they see stuff like this. Maybe this ad is making fun of the fact that the dog-walker is an elderly man for whom electric lights are already pretty amazingly close to magic and for whom "App" is not a word.
And you've got to have EVERY FREAKING LIGHT IN THE HOUSE connected to this stupid App? Not just at the door or in the kitchen? EVERY FREAKING ONE? That's pretty damn stupid.
Oh, and why is this toddler being allowed to play with the freaking phone anyway? Didn't bring any toys, stupid parents? Or is the little kid already imitating you cell phone junkie morons?
And one more thing- "your son?" Huh? Is that supposed to be a "cute" little reversal of the "your child" crap we used to hear from television dads who were constantly reinforcing the idea that Mommy is the one raising the offspring? If so, it falls pretty flat here.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
I was going to go with "My milk is whiter than yours" or "Milk for Rich White People," but I thought this title was more to the point.
Fairmilk is nothing more than milk which is "cold-filtered" and reconstituted to provide more protein or other nutrients but basically still just milk repackaged and sold in a fancy bottle to stupid white people with way too much money who are suckers for commercials like this. Within seconds I'm sure they all reacted to this ad by thinking "awesome, another way to demonstrate my social status because just shopping at Whole Foods instead of Giant and driving a Lexus instead of a Honda just doesn't do it for me anymore."
So please, Upper Class Suburban Zombies- go out and buy this stuff and make sure you let everyone know you do. Maybe slip it into Garrison's lunchbox before he heads out to preschool. Or just have the nanny do it.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
In 2016 Peyton Manning retired after winning his second Superbowl in a 17-year career with the Indianapolis Colts and Denver Broncos. Today he continues to appear at pretty much every commercial break during pretty much every NFL game during the entire season, mainly selling Nationwide Insurance by sitting around the house or standing in line at the grocery store or driving around in a luxury car. Usually he's humming the Nationwide tune or adding different words to it, sometimes he's just tossing quips to an appreciative audience.
Serena Williams has won 39 Major Titles, including 23 Grand Slam Titles. She's won the Australian Open seven times, the US Open six times, Wimbledon seven times and the French Open three times. I've seen her in a lot more blowouts than close matches, even in the championship rounds.
She shows up in commercials every once in a while- like this one for Intel in which she grunts and issues gutteral screams of frustration because....um, because she's using an old racket, I guess. I'm sure she'd have a few lines in this ad but they were all taken by the well-dressed white guy. So just grunt and scream, Serena. If it plays well maybe we'll call you in to do another ad next year.
Yeah, we've come a long way, haven't we?
Sunday, May 7, 2017
"Let's suppose you're writing a resume for a job you really, really want. Or that you're writing a Facebook post that you want all your friends to see. Or a research paper you just have to get an A on."
"Now let's suppose that you have all of the English skills of your average injured box turtle, pretty much never pick up a newspaper or (God Forbid) a book or magazine, and have been taught how to read by texting and tweeting."
"Let's continue by assuming that you always managed to get someone else to write your essays for you, but now you're out of High School and that someone else is long gone and for the first time, you find yourself face to face with the reality of a world in which you can't ask Siri absolutely everything and people are actually asking you to physically do something all by yourself."
"Well, no problem- here's Grammarly, a software program you can quickly download (ask Siri how) and let fix all those holes in your education which involve basic spelling and sentence structure. And because you live in a world where asking an inanimate object how to turn around in your own driveway is perfectly normal, you won't feel even the tiniest sliver of shame while you use it. Yay Modern World!"
"So go ahead and use Grammarly to pretend to be more intelligent and articulate and capable of expressing the most basic of concepts without the help of an artificial agent. Hey, it worked for Lilly- she was hired for the job of Social Media Manager in that other Grammarly commercial over applicants whose brains weren't atrophied bowls of pudding!"
Saturday, May 6, 2017
Let's be serious. We all know what always happens when you install one of these "organizers." Within a few weeks, they've turned into expensive junk drawers for your car, filled with pretty much everything that you can't shove into the glove compartment because that is already filled with pens, individual sticks of gum, scraps of post it notes, ancient receipts and half-consumed rolls of Tums.
Now, in addition to that glove compartment which may or may not contain your car registration and almost certainly does NOT contain a pair of gloves, you've got a super-convenient place to stuff your styrofoam coffee cups, practically-empty coke cans, newspaper articles you thought you might want to read later, used napkins and that overpriced water bottle you thought you'd bring inside every evening after work to refill.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Today, CVS is a great place to shop if you've got all the time in the world and don't mind waiting until the one person at the one register gets done helping nineteen people in front of you before she finally picks up the g-d d--ned phone and asks Julia to respond to "Code One," which everyone who has ever been in a CVS knows means "we've got a lot of people waiting to check out so how about from the break room and actually doing some damn work along with me?"
It's a better place to work, since only two people- one at the pharmacy, one at the register- work at a time, while an apparently huge squad of people wearing stupid red aprons are hanging out in that breakroom.
Yes, it's a pretty good place to have a "private conversation." Just not with an actual employee- unless you're willing to hold up the twenty people behind you in line while you have your actually-not-at-all-private conversation with the cashier about why the item you are trying to buy isn't on sale when the g-d d--ned sign clearly says that it is.
Oh, and its a great place to buy $1.99 16-ounce bottles of Coke and marked-down candy left over from Easter- if you can convince the cashier that it really is marked down regardless of what the damn register tells her. And to call "Code One" before the people behind you blow their brains out rather than let any more of their lives just melt away standing in line.
Saturday, April 29, 2017
Wow, check out the awesome coolness, Rich Kids! While your hedge fund manager parents are away and your nannies are at Whole Foods stocking up on $30 bottles of wine, you've got the run of the mansion to play laser tag along the winding staircases and cavern-sized living rooms!
And if for some weird reason you feel like going outside, that's cool too! Just head out on to the massive lawn and run between the Audis on the street as you get "coached" by the little voice strapped to your chest. Don't get confused, that's not your iPhone8, its that other toy you got your "parents" to buy for you to get you off their backs for a few minutes!
So have a great few hours pretending to shoot your friends before getting back to staring at that iPhone or maneuvering a character in a video game on that massive screen in the basement! And a quick note to the "parents"- hey, at least if you do buy this set, your kids might find themselves outside once in a while this summer! Wouldn't that be something!?
Friday, April 28, 2017
This is the second insurance commercial I've seen this year which features a dad looking at his little girl and remembering all the good times he had with her in the back yard and then imagining her wedding day in that same back yard. Two insurance commercials produced by two different insurance companies, but both with the same message: that when dads look at their daughters, they think about giving her away to an appropriately white, appropriately tall young man who will marry her in that back yard.
I'm not a dad, but is this really all dads think about- their daughters being young women in wedding gowns gazing adoringly at the young man they are going to have sex with that night?
And what does any of this have to do with insurance, anyway?
Monday, April 24, 2017
1. What incentive to these loathsome, camera-sucking little tools have to obey the bidding of the Chevy spokeschoad? Were they promised a good truck if they won the "contest" by reading off the awards, or just a Chevy?
2. "That's a lot of pressure...." um, why? Is this like the Hunger Games of commercials, where the person least proficient in reading off awards quickly is "eliminated?" It sure sounds like there's an award being offered to the best reader. Is there a reason we, the audience, have not been clued in?
3. Can we all agree that these "Real People, Not Actors" Chevy commercials went to seed quite some time ago, and if we aren't making snarky comments on blogs we are creating parody videos for YouTube making fun of them? Can they just go the hell away now, because all of these disgusting knobs pretending to be super-excited over Chevy trucks aren't the least bit convincing. They aren't even attractive or compelling in the slightest way. They are just camera whores, and we know it- so why can't these ads just go away already?
Sunday, April 23, 2017
"There's nothing more important to me than my vacation."
Oh yes, I can see that, Ms "Teacher." I mean, it's clearly a lot more important than teaching, or even keeping the kids in your charge safe- you've got one kid duct-taped to a chair, and another in danger of drowning in an enormous fish tank. While you stand there like a zombie on valium.
Please, get to that vacation to Mexico or wherever. And when you get back, find another career. The kids deserve a hell of a lot better than you.
Saturday, April 22, 2017
I'd like to interrupt this woman's nervous proposal of shared nights with her dog to suggest that if that gigantic house is hers free and clear, and she's really this lonely, I know a blogger who would not mind meeting her in person. She should reply to this address if she's at all interested.
I mean, I can definitely overlook the obvious insanity- again, if she owns that house free and clear. We have a lot in common- we both like big houses, and coffee. She can have all the Coffee Mate, as I take mine black. I'll even take that dog for a walk now and then.
Friday, April 21, 2017
I guess the "joke" here is that the little girl riding the Big Wheel is a "black sheep" because that Big Wheel is black and not pink like it's supposed to be because she's a little girl.
Meanwhile she doesn't need to share the sidewalk- others get out of her way to let her pass because hey, that black Big Wheel is so totally cool and awesome. Just like her mom doesn't need to be at all concerned about anyone else on the road, because she's driving this hot car after all. So she can cruise through the suburbs with her eye on her daughter instead of what is in front of those several tons of steel and glass she's driving. Way too cool to care. Hey, she'll know right away if HER kid is in danger, so it's all good, right?
It's also totally fine that the little girl bangs that Big Wheel into one of a dozen or so cans of black paint inexplicably left out in the middle of her driveway (seriously, what the hell?) Because she's a black sheep and a rebel and oh man forget it this just isn't worth the effort.