Sunday, October 22, 2017

I can clear this up, Stephen A Smith and Taco Bell!



(Oh and all the non-celebrities, cartoon characters, non-celebrities acting like cartoon characters etc. in this commercial- I'm here to help you ALL out too!)

See, what this is is Taco Bell's latest idea for selling cheap, greasy, fat-laden garbage to people with no money or taste buds.  This time it's a package of fried egg and cheese that fits into your hand (wow, how original.)  Eat enough of them, and someday your doctor will show you your EKG scan and you'll mutter "what the...." before he explains to you that your eating habits have shortened your life by many, many years so he's going to have to insist on full payment on the spot, as he can't be at all sure you aren't going to drop dead on your way home from the office.

Glad to be of service.  No charge.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Why Amazon Go is, in fact, the Mark of the Beast



No, I am not being hyperbolic here.  I hate hyperbole.  I've said many times that I view hyperbolic people as worse than Stalin.  But in fact when preparing to post on this particular ad I considered these alternative titles:

Because you need to justify spending hundreds of dollars a year on "updated" SmartPhones

Because we can't stop "improving" technology until everyone on Earth has lost their job- which will in turn solve all the other problems related to shopping, won't it?

Because you want to limit your social interaction as much as possible but aren't quite ready- or organized enough- to do all your shopping online yet.

Because you need another way to set yourself apart from the Lower Classes who still use stores staffed by actual people.

And settled on something which came close to "this is the end of civilization."  It's over.  You've already lost your ability to speak to people face to face or even over the phone, and must now express yourself using emojis and #HitAndRunAlmostSentences.  You already can't walk and chew gum at the same time without getting Google to explain to you, in step by step instrutions downloaded to that phone, exactly how to go about doing that.  Five minutes after chip technology replaced Swiping (which replaced those carbon-paper receipt machines five minutes before that, and which replaced cash and checks five minutes before that) you're ready to be convinced that holding your phone over a scanner for three seconds is So Very Yesterday and An Enormous Time-Wasting Hassle Surely We Can Make Things Go Faster Oh Yay Amazon Go!

Civilization.  It was fun while it lasted.  Remember people?  In the end, I guess we decided that their negatives outweighed their positives, so they just aren't part of our lives anymore.  Whatever.  It's a beautiful, sunny autumn day, so it's time to check out Netflix.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Hanes' Smellfie ad just murdered my soul*



Ok, let's just go with the idea that there's something called "the Smellfies," and it involves emitting foul body odor at very inconvenient times, like when you show up for a date or are at a wedding or actually pretty much any time you are in public.

You COULD just take regular showers, use deodorant, and make sure you are wearing clean clothes and not just whatever you found piled up at the foot of your bed this morning.  You COULD do that.  But that's a really low-tech, 20th century solution, something your parents might have done.  It's practically 2018, so....

What you should do now to "Stop the Smellfies" is invest in Hanes High-Tech BO-inhibiting undergarments.  Sure, it costs more than their regular t-shirts and underwear, but if you wear that stuff you have to go back to bathing regularly and using deodorant, like your parents did.  You want to be like your parents?  You want to keep clean? 

Didn't think so.  Buy this stuff, and continue to revel in being a dirty, sweaty slob who lost your ability to practice basic hygiene around the same time you lost your ability to carry on an actual conversation that didn't involve emojis.   The world you're stinking the hell out of?  You're welcome to it.  And if you're on the fence about being a customer for Advanced Tech Anti-Stink underclothes?  Just take a freaking shower, hippie!

*Silver lining:  The Youtube commenters hate this ad almost as much as I do.  That's got to count for something.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Subaru's latest Love ad just ramps up the stupid....



The TV version of this thing mercifully cuts the pain down to about thirty seconds.  The internet version is a painfully drawn-out, hammer-to-the-brain-smarmy minute and a half of your life you will never get back.  Hey, I didn't tell you to watch it.

The punchline isn't grampa's "I Love Thoreau" bumper sticker (holy crap, we GET IT Subaru.  We didn't need that hammer to the brain!) It's the grandson asking if grampa felt compelled to lie to grandma and tell her that he was going fishing instead of surfing.  Because I guess grandma has no problem with fishing but would dissaprove of surfing because....reasons?  Maybe Subaru thinks that Thoreau fans are best known for lying to their wives?

Why can't this guy tell his wife he wants to go surfing with his grandson?  And what does a pointless lie about it have to do with "love" again?  And while we're at it, what does any of this mess have to do with Subarus?  I mean, WTF?

Monday, October 16, 2017

Yowie, this is stupid!



The thought of this pale, fat, stupid little kid eating enough cheap chocolate to collect all those stupid plastic animals makes me want to call Child Protective Services on his parents.  It also makes me want to hurt everybody.

And the punchline is that his "mission" to spend all that money to purchase and consume that cheap plastic-that-tastes-kind-of-like-chocolate isn't over just because he's managed to complete his collection, because hey look here's ANOTHER set to collect.  Strap on your African Safari hat and grab mom's purse, Stupid Fat Kid!  It's back to the store---err, jungle---for another encounter with the cashier---err, tribal chieftain....or something.....

I can remember when commercials didn't whip me up into a psychotic rage on a daily basis.  I miss those days.  I really do.  But what am I going to do when I live in a world where people are encouraged to buy Easter Bunny-quality chocolate so they can get a stupid plastic toy you used to be able to get out of gumball machines for a nickle and can still buy by the bag at the Dollar Store for 99 cents?  I mean, what the hell is going on here?  Are you people completely f--ing insane, or what?

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Domino's Soft Sell + Hard Sell = No Sale



I couldn't care less how much you love your stores, Dominos franchise owners.  Don't care how you got the money to start them up, don't care if they "mean everything to you," and sure as hell don't care that when the order came down from the people who REALLY own the stores to remodel, you were just fine with that.

So now that you've failed to win me over with your Tales of American Entrepreneurship....

I couldn't care less that Domino's sludge factories look more modern now, or include plexiglass partitions to allow stupid gawky kids to stare at the pizza-building monkeys who must really feel like they are in a cage, and wasn't working here for minimum wage humiliating enough without being on display like this?

And I'm sure you think that watching people smash windows and knock down walls in slow motion to some crappy rap song (I don't care how many YouTube commentors desperately "need" the song, btw) is super entertaining and all that, but it's not going to distract us from the simple fact that for all of the Spirit of the Small Businessman, the Glossy New Decor, or the Really Cool Destruction that went into making Domino's Lowest Common Denominator Pizza Distributors look different, this is just an attempt to put a whole lot of lipstick on a really, really ugly pig.  Because in the end, this is still just Domino's.  Adding giant pans of pasta isn't getting me through that door.  Improving the look isn't getting me through that door.  The only thing that could get me through that door is decent food- and I notice you aren't talking about making radical improvements to THAT anywhere in these ads.

So I'll continue to pass on the bland, flabby carbs and sugar, sorry.  Hope you own the rights to that music, though.  There are a lot of idiots on Youtube who apparently are willing to pay for it.

Subaru's Camping Dog commercial screams nothing but RUN!



Yeah, sorry, but the girl in the ad isn't anywhere cute enough to pull this crap.

You're taking your dog on a camping trip with your boyfriend?  Seek counseling, please.  Or just admit that you don't really want a boyfriend as much as you want to keep your relationship with your dog.

And, buddy?  Like I said in the first sentence- this girl isn't cute enough for this level of stupid.  There are worst things than not having a date on the weekend.  Unless you think that you're going to REPLACE that dog before too long, I'd really rethink this whole thing.  But heck, I guess there are guys out there who don't mind dating women who can't be parted from their freaking smelly mammal housemates.  I'm just not one of them, and I don't get them.  At all.

(BTW, anyone else think that I could just devote this blog to these Subaru "love" commercials and have plenty of opportunities to post?)

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

And I'm doing the Calling BS on Dairy Queen thing



This guy couldn't make it more obvious that he's a boyfriend doing the Daddy Thing - maybe, trying out for the role of daddy- and is in no way related to the little boy he's purchased a small amount of ice cream for to distract that boy from the honey barbecue wings and fries he's purchased for himself.

And even while he does his best to "do the daddy thing" in the hopes of finally getting the boy's mommy to rescue him from the Friend Zone, he's rather quietly waxing poetic about the good old days when he could wolf down real honey barbecue wings at Hooter's with his equally obnoxious, equally single friends.

So good luck with that whole "Daddy Thing," not-Daddy.  I'm sure this boy's mother will be super-impressed that you blew a whole 99 cents on that cup of ice cream so he wouldn't go without any lunch at all.  While you ate chicken and talked to the cameraman how cool it used to be to spend all afternoon at the sports bar guzzling beer and wings brought to you by hot girls in tight tops and even tighter shorts.  Takes dedication.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Ok now THIS is a funny ad, though I don't think that's what the makers of Jardiance intended...



So the guy in this ad is walking around town carrying a tablet and accompanied by a cameraman and an intern hauling around his pretentious director's chair, randomly asking people on the street if they have diabetes?  And if they say yes, asking them if they know that diabetes increases their chances of a "cardiovascular event?"  And if they say no, whipping out that tablet and showing them "evidence" in the form of a cheap powerpoint one of my ninth graders could have created in five minutes?   Really?

If any of this was even remotely sincere, how long did this guy have to wander around town before he finally found someone who answered "yes" to the question about having diabetes and "no" to the question about cardiovascular issues AND agreed to take part in a conversation about Jardiance which would appear in a national television commercial?  Did he just walk up to people who looked middle-aged and overweight, figuring "hey, they look like their are at least candidates for diabetes, and they also look like they have really lousy doctors who didn't explain all the risks involved to them?"

And I seriously can't get over that director's chair.  When does this guy use it?  It's only him and his cameraman- who is he directing?  Does he just use it to take breaks from annoying (and then frightening) total strangers on the street about their potentially fatal health issues Better Get Your Doctor To Put You On Yet Another Drug Right Now?  What the hell?


Sunday, October 8, 2017

Cars.com's Lie Detector ad - all the humor is in the comment section



Never mind the ad- it's even dumber than most car ads and even less to do with actual cars than most car ads.  In a nutshell, the message is that Cars.com makes car buying so easy that you might miss the "drama" of buying a car the old-fashioned way (personally, I'd rather walk into a car dealership and make the salesmen do their job, and I've never experienced any "drama" while buying a car- that's all on the salesman's side, I am the one who will make the decision which will determine if he makes money, after all- but that's just me.)

The car salesmen, sensing that the guy here does miss the drama, attaches him to a lie detector machine, and he goes along with it Because Commercials.  And his horrible shrew of a wife, instead of saying something like sensible like "take those stupid things off your fingers, these people are insane, let's go find the car at a dealership not run by insane people," decides to ask exactly one question that could only have been written by a male- "do you think my sister is prettier than me?"

Since the guy's response is to freeze and sweat and panic before screaming and tearing off the electrodes, I guess the answer is "yes" but he doesn't want to say.  So maybe this couple ends up in counseling instead of buying a car together.  Maybe the guy just decides he no longer wants to live with this manipulative, insecure harpy and decides to file for divorce and give her sister a call.  I don't know, because I'm kind of "never-minding" the actual ad.

No, just skip the ad and go to the comment section.  It apparently doesn't bother any of these mouth-breathing children that this ad has no punchline.  They all think that it's LOL HILARIOUS and at least one even suggests that it should have been a Superbowl ad.  That's much more horrible than this commercial.  The only thing that justifies this level of praise for a commercial as noxiously void of humor as this one is if the posters doing the praising are all paid tools of Cars.com.  That would still be sad.  But I'd rather think that was the case than believe that this many people wouldn't know funny if it crushed their skull with a hammer.  Which is also not a bad idea. 

Friday, October 6, 2017

Time to put this bit to bed, Chevy



First of all, this guy's face has become so ubiquitous on America's tv screens that it's really hard to believe that anyone wouldn't recognize him in relation to Chevrolet in about fifteen seconds.  And then punch him hard in the mouth for presuming that you want to be in a stupid Chevy commercial.*

Second, the "real people" in this ad are so quick to just "go along" with the Chevy carnival barker and get into someone else's car, aren't they?  Not like any sane people, who would say "um, no- I don't want to get into someone else's car.  I just want my car.  And I don't want to be in your stupid commercial, either.  So I'm not signing a release.  So get the f-- out of my face and get my f--ing car, please."  Yeah, these are "real people, not actors."  It would be a lot more honest if Chevy just told us that these were "real people, wannabee actors" (check out the guy's "not my car" double-take.  Very genuine, buddy.  I'm really sold on the idea that you're surprised.  Uh huh.)

Third, nobody is getting into a strange car to "check it out" when they just left a restaurant and want to drive away in their car.  If I wasn't one of these "real people, obvious actors" camera whores, I'd be pretty damned resentful that I'm basically being offered a chance to look at a really NICE car while I'm waiting for my obviously inferior one.  F--k you, Chevy.

*Can we agree that this guy has maybe the most punchable face on television?

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

I bought you this phone so can you at least change your Facebook relationship status now?



Hey ladies, guess what?  If a guy you've been dating for a month buys you a  $900 iPhone, he's given up trying to date you and moved on to attempting to buy you.

So if you are the kind of girl who can be bought, this guy is a perfect catch for you- looks like he's got money and he's willing to spend it.  And if you are the kind of girl who maybe can't be bought but can be guilted into being more serious with a guy because he buys you inappropriately expensive gifts after a month of dating, you are the perfect catch for this kind of guy.

I know, I know- the "message" of this ad is actually supposed to be "here's an excuse to buy yourself that iPhone you want- just buy one for someone else and get yours at the same time."  It's still uber-creepy that this guy doesn't have any longtime friends, relatives etc he can pull this on, and instead has to resort to handing someone he barely knows a very expensive gift which will be welcomed only by golddiggers, extremely shallow people or women who are genereally not users but really, really want the iPhone8.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

KFC Scrapes the Bottom of the Bucket



To call this ad an example of dumbing down is an insult to the phrase "dumbing down."  It's not taking something already really stupid and making it simpler.  It's performing a lobotomy.  This ad is made for an audience which would find hand puppets too complicated.

Never mind the pathetic whoring being done by the paid YouTube commentators below.  This is the kind of ad that was once rejected as a torture method for fear of future UN reprisals.  This commercial is, quite simply, a war crime.

If you like this ad, please don't let me know.  Life is depressing enough.  Just show how much you like it by consuming lots and lots of KFC and removing yourself from the planet as quickly as possible.   You will not be missed.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Let the station do all the "Playing"



Remember when the park was the Best Place to Play?

Remember when it was the woods, or the beach, or the batting cages or the local baseball diamond?

Remember when, a night or two every year, it was the county fair?

Remember when it was the hill behind your house on the weekends and during those magical times called Snow Days?

Well, now that it's the 21st century, the Best Place to Play is the couch in the Room Where The TV Is.

Enjoy your atrophied brains, obesity and juvenile diabetes, you morons.  The sun is still shining, the parks are still there, and on snow days that hill still beckons.  Not that you give a damn.

Friday, September 29, 2017

What the hell, Allstate?



Ok, as near as I can figure, here is the story behind this ad-

Once upon a time- all the way back in 1971, in fact- this guy was in an Allstate Commercial for a few seconds.  Some years later, this guy died.  Even more years later, one of his kids became engaged to be married, and another one of his kids decided "hey, it's really sad that dad isn't here to share this very special day so wouldn't it be cool if we could find that Allstate Commercial he was in back in 1971 and show it to everyone before the wedding?"

Because nobody in this family has any common sense or taste, nobody said "well, actually, no, because while we all miss Dad and everything, the day is going to be about the couple actually getting married and it's supposed to be joyous- not sure how showing a grainy, washed out old commercial featuring Dad shilling for insurance before the ceremony is going to do anything except detract from the reason we're all together. 

I mean, we all miss Dad and wish he could be here.  I want to make it clear that I totally understand that.  But we've got old home movies featuring Dad we could show.  We could, and certainly will, spend at least some of the day reflecting on our best memories featuring Dad.  Are you suggesting that we should try to replace all that with a ten-second clip of Dad in an Allstate Commercial?"

Nobody said that.  So while other people were doing things like arranging catering and fittings and booking the church and renting the hall and sending invitations and doing all those things that are normally part of the preparation for weddings (I assume.  I was just a groom after all, I didn't do any of that stuff.  I just showed up) this woman was writing to Allstate and asking the company to find a copy of the old Cheesy 70s Commercial With Dad Wearing Ugly Clothing.  And because of her exhaustive efforts to carry out her plan to do this rather pointless thing that no one had the guts to tell her was pretty stupid and kind of a waste of time, everyone got to spend a few minutes of the wedding day pretending to appreciate a rather maudlin look at Dear old Dad, and then pretended to laugh because Hey Her Heart was in the Right Place.

But don't tell me that the message of this ad is anything larger than "Allstate is totally shameless when it comes to pretending to care about it's customers, especially when an eight-second YouTube search can find the video clip one of those customers desperately wants to see for some reason, and when Allstate can later use it in a modern commercial."  Because I'm not buying it.

Hope this family enjoyed the trip down memory lane, though, and that it didn't put too much of a pall on what was supposed to be a happy event.  Sort of.  Actually, I don't care.  Don't have to be nice, just have to be honest.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Oh give me a break, NFL



None of these coaches needed to go "undercover."  Not one person in 10,000 has the slightest idea what they look like, and even less care.

Hell, they could walk around wearing name tags and nobody would know who they were.  We'd all just be wondering why they were wearing name tags.

What kind of insane ego trip is this?  Nobody is watching football to see the coaches!  I mean, I might recognize one or two NFL quarterbacks on the street.  I MIGHT recognize Bill Bellichick.  That's it.  THESE guys?  Come on!

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Hyundai and Red Sox Nation can go to hell in the same car wreck



I'm a Red Sox fan.  I am NOT a member of "Red Sox Nation," because "Red Sox Nation" is a cheap marketing gimmick created by the current owners of the team in order to sell more caps and jerseys.  I am not buying in, and neither should any Red Sox fan whose support for the team predates 2004.

I am a proud Pre-2004 Red Sox fan.  NOT a member of "Red Sox Nation."  So we've got that out of the way...

The people in this ad, the people who wrote this ad, and the people who put this ad on television should all be locked into a room and forced to listen to this ad until they go insane (or ten minutes, whichever comes first.)  In real life, I'd like to see both of these shmucks dragged out of their car and beaten to death by Yankees fans.  They'd totally deserve it.

I bet neither of these idiots were Red Sox fans before 2004.  They probably own red and pink caps and jerseys with their own names stitched on the back.  The very first Sox t-shirt they ever owned was the one which said "2004 World Series Champions."  They are disgusting posers and I don't want to see them on my tv anymore.  How do I know they are posers?  Well, this may seem repetitive, but- only posers would sing this god-awful Neil Diamond song because the corporate overlords of Fenway told them to during the 7th inning stretch- and only pond scum uber-posers would sing it at top volume in their freaking cars (the freaking cars that I hope they are soon dragged out of and beaten to death by Yankees fans.)

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Amazon's interesting take on Honest Reviews


Your review could not be posted.

Thanks for submitting a customer review on Amazon. Your review could not be posted to the website in its current form. While we appreciate your time and comments, reviews must adhere to the following guidelines:
http://www.amazon.com/review-guidelines
All Surfaces Cane - Anti Shock For Less Impact on Wrist, Arms, and Shoulders - Adjustable Height★   from John F. Jamele on September 21, 2017

Came in three parts, no instructions and after struggling ...

Came in three parts, no instructions and after struggling for a while couldn't figure out how to put it together and will be returning then (I bought two to "save money on shipping"- doesn't save me any money if I have to send them back.) I see I am the second customer of the 12 to review this item with this problem. Seems to me that sending instructions would be more helpful than just replying "sorry, return it," especially when you are selling an item specificially to people with mobility issues.
We encourage you to revise your review and submit it again. A few common issues to keep in mind:

  • Your review should focus on specific features of the product and your experience with it. Feedback on the seller or your shipment experience should be provided at www.amazon.com/feedback.
  • We do not allow profane or obscene content. This applies to adult products too.
  • Advertisements, promotional material or repeated posts that make the same point excessively are considered spam.
  • Please do not include URLs external to Amazon or personally identifiable content in your review.

"Your review should focus on specific features of the product and your experience with it."

I explained how it came in pieces and I was unable to assemble it. Check.

"We do not allow profane or obscene content."  Nor did I include any.  Check. 

"Advertisements, promotional material or repeated posts that make the same point excessively are considered spam."  Didn't include any of this.  Check.

"Please do not include URLs external to Amazon or personally identifiable content in your review."  Check.

Someone please tell me how my review violated Amazon's guidelines.  Or just assure me that I am not crazy in suspecting that Amazon has decided that poor reviews are simply not going to be made visible to potential customers because Amazon doesn't make money unless people buy the stuff advertised on it's site. 

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Ameriprise: Be Brilliantly Entitled



Oh please spare me the wistful musings of entitled rich white people who, having experienced a life which would seem like a magical fairy tale to 99.9 percent of the planet, "finally" get to start living their real dreams thanks to their financial counselors.

Check out this woman.  She's been "fortunate" that her work has allowed her to travel around the world, in the process aquiring artifacts from interesting, exotic and very, very poor nations which she can then display on her 12-foot walls (I can hear the dinner party conversations already- "Oh yes, I picked that one up in Kenya, it's hand-painted teakwood, I think the woman with five starving children asked three dollars but I got her down to $1.25, you know me and my nose for bargains!"

But now, she's done with all that traveling (she looks like she may be pushing 60, after all- what, is she expected to work forever?) and because she's managed to sock so much money away (see the previous paragraph) she can start Living for Herself (she comes pretty close to telling the audience that she sees this as Giving Back, but I guess even she wasn't capable of getting those words past her lips without gagging, so she uses "sharing" instead.)  So she's opening a Bed and Breakfast (the most cliche'd dream of Upper Class white people who are afraid that not enough of us lessers realize how awesomely huge and beautiful their house is- not enough dinner parties...) so she can show off her foreign bauble collection and not incidentally continue to make money as she rides her wings of self-important douchery into old age.

Here's hoping that nobody shows up to stay at her mansion full of appropriated culture artifacts and that she spends the last few years of her ridiculously pampered life sitting on her wraparound porch sipping herbal tea and petting the cat who is the only creature on the planet she hasn't bored into insanity with her pretentious blather.  Which was probably Plan B anyway.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Dr Pepper, Redefining Sad



Even if I were willing to pretend that this fat, loud, disgusting blowhard is carrying around ten pounds or more of Dr Pepper instead of a tray of empty cups, I would never be able to get past the fact that if Larry The Moron Dr Pepper Choad really did work at some stadium he'd have the easiest job on the planet, because nobody in the history of sports held in stadiums has ever, EVER purchased a Dr Pepper from a vendor.   Sorry.  Meanwhile, the guy selling beer doesn't have time to shmooze and bleat slogans at the fans- because he's too busy actually selling beer.

I'd say that this guy has the easiest job on the planet except for two things:  First, Toyota Jan has that gig already.  Second, staving off suicide on a daily basis must tax this guy's energy way more than walking around hawking soda nobody wants to drink.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Which of these Pizza Hut commercials is more detached from reality?



Commercial #1- a guy in traction stands in the middle of the kill floor at his local Pizza Hut to bore- err, entertain- the employees with his exortation to live every minute like it's their last because it may be.  "Living each moment" means watching sunsets, staring at the ocean...and eating Pizza Hut's special brand of cardboard both stuffed and topped with the most disgustingly tasteless mass-produced cheap "cheese" the corporate monolyth known as Pizza Hut could buy by the metric ton?

Who is this jackass talking to, anyway?  Because it sure as hell isn't the people in the room with him. Telling Pizza Hut employees to "live every day" as they struggle to keep up with the demands of decorating plates of dough with sugary crap and shoving them into ovens for minimum wage is pretty low.  Especially when one of those workers is a guy who should be enjoying his golden years with his great-grandchildren but instead is trying to make rent spending them working the late shift at Pizza Hut.  Because Capitalism.

Commercial #2- I guess the punchline of this mess is that Not-E.T has arrived on Earth to complement us on our ability to produce children who have "excellent hiding places" ( I don't even want to speculate on what that means) and to let us know that not only is the universe totally devoid of pizza, but that the alien is just going to punt his search for the best pizza on Earth and stop at the very first place he visited, Pizza Hut.  Because, come on- if Not-E.T. thinks that Pizza Hut is "the best," he has

A.  No taste buds, or
B.  No desire to explore the planet for pizza, having tasted what passes as pizza at Pizza Hut.

If "A" is true, the alien has no business judging pizza.  If "B" is true, the alien is perfectly welcome to return home and let his own race know that Pizza Hut is the best we can do; I won't let the slander bother me.  But he should stop looking into the camera and trying to convince US that Pizza Hut represents the pinnacle of pizza-producing mastery, because we know better.  Because we've eaten pizza produced pretty much anywhere else.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Because "Palm Beach Research" sounds so legit!



First of all, am I really supposed to trust some guy who feels the need to start his presentation by pretending to shred a Social Security check and then can't figure out which camera he's supposed to be looking into?  Shredding the check makes zero sense and doesn't make anything approaching an actual point- if he was railing against the inadequacy of the minimum wage and tried to "demonstate" his point by shredding a paycheck, would anyone react by thinking "hey, this is someone who has a valid argument, I need to listen to him?"  If not, why would destroying a Social Security check add to anyone's credibility?

I think that the "point" he was trying to prove by pretending to shred a Social Security check is that he's a moron who thinks we're morons too.

Anyway, he goes on to explain that his idea comes from his "friend" Tom Dyson, who wrote a book about an obscure law allegedly signed by Ronald Reagan which we can get for free (just $5 for shipping charges) which I guess will tell us how we can get 70% more per month than that Social Security check we might as well shred because Reasons (Reasons in this case being "it's not very much, so it's nothing.")  His "friend" has "given away lots of free books in the past," which is kind of a non sequitor considering that I know the difference between free and $5 at least as well as I know the difference between a small check and a handful of shredded papers.  This "friend" of Tom Dyson- who I guess was too busy or too wise to the ways of the law to pitch his own scam- wants us to take advantage of this amazing offer but also warns us that his books have been snapped up quickly in the past and if we don't act very soon this one too will probably be gone before we know it so Better Click Right Now.

I suppose this junk is a cheap version of those "If You Live In (Insert State Here) You Can Save $25,000 a Year on Your Mortgage Using This Simple Trick" and "Doctors Hate Him Here's Why" ads which are forever popping up in the margins at Weather.com - just make a quick buck clickbait tossed out there in the hopes of nabbing a few very gullible fish.  This one caught my eye because of the name- Palm Beach Research.  It just sounds so awesome- like the "Correspondence College of Tampa" professor mentioned in an episode of The Simpsons as an expert on The UFO Conspiracy.  It's got the word "Research" in it, so it must be on the level, right?

Oh, and just one more thing- I can't agree that if you're getting a Social Security check, you might as well just run it through a shredder because it's not very much money.  I totally understand that it's not very much money, but you have to be a very special brand of peevish to respond to "not very much" by turning it into "nothing at all."  If your Social Security check is an insult, please cash it anyway and give the money to people with less pride but a lot more common sense than you have.  Let me know if you want my address.  I have kids to feed.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Rocket Mortgage: So simple, even a Girl can use it



Or "Don't ask Sarah about Mortgages.  She's just a girl."

Sarah is a fifth-grade teacher who uses the magic of cliche'd math problems scrawled in chalk on a blackboard to mold young minds (all eight of them in her equally cliche'd tiny class of kids.)

Sarah is also super-cool because she creates robots advanced and powerful enough to win competitions for her Girlbot team or whatever that t-shirt says (I don't care.)  I guess she's a fifth-grade math teacher because she likes making $25,000 a year despite having technical skills that could earn her 3-4 times that much in a starting position outside the public sector.  Whatever, Sarah.  Your life.

But Sarah doesn't know anything about mortgages, because you know that involves math and stuff and Sarah...doesn't know a lot about math?  The subject she teaches and uses to make robots?  Sarah really needs to use Rocket Mortgage and its one-page thirty-year contracts she can read and apply for on her Smartphone because a traditional bank mortgage requires too many pages and too much jargon for her pretty little head to manage?

Is that really the message here, Rocket Mortgage?  Because is sure sounds like it.  Sarah may be a genius math teacher and techie but mortgages involve big numbers (like six figures, scary!) including percentages (even scarier!) and it's not like she's got the kind of Guy Brain she'd need to be REALLY good at math.  Right?


Thursday, September 14, 2017

Password Troll. Just another sign of the Very Dumb Times we live in



Four minutes-plus of this cloying, manipulative and self-indulgent crap.  I watch it, so you don't have to.  And I don't even get paid for it.  Maybe someday you'll have the opportunity to thank me.

This entire mess- all FOUR-PLUS FREAKING MINUTES OF IT- is a tale of how ANNOYING and OH SO HARD TO REMEMBER ME BRAIN SO SMALL passwords are.  Never mind that they protect your bank account, retirement fund info, and a lot of other really important stuff (and not just your Netflix and Hulu accounts.)  Don't let that worry your pretty little heads- the important thing is to stop taxing that brain of yours with having to remember stuff that doesn't involve eating junk food.

Passwords- or what us old fogies call "Security," is for losers who have the time to remember junk like letters and numbers did I mention how PAINFULLY HARD THAT IS?  So trust these guys with all that and you'll never have to worry about security- I mean, passwords- ever again.  It's  not like you really care about it now.  It's just that this archaic password stuff still exists even though you don't know why because gosh it really slows you down when you want to buy stuff, man that sucks.

I wrote this blog post in just under two minutes- half the time I spent watching this awful password troll crap commercial the YouTubers think is just awesome because it is so true man it's hard to remember stuff plus it's lame.  Actually, that's a lie.  I didn't watch the whole video.  Because I don't need a "point" jammed into my brain over and over again until I "get" the genius who developed this steaming pile of smarmy crud.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to give these guys my lame passwords and start celebrating the fact that I'll get to my stuff almost 4 seconds faster than you stupid 20th century losers with your security codes.  Right after I contact MyCleanPC.com and get rid of all these registry errors.  Only $39.95.  Awesome deal, and I can do it with just a few clicks.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

I'm still more interested in eGuillotine than eTrade



The barely-human pig-creature in this commercial defines success as having the leisure time to spend some part of the final years of his worthless, pointless and utterly meaningless life polluting the ocean with golf balls hit off the back of a f--ng yacht.  Jimmy Carter he is not.

And if this makes us "mad," we are supposed to respond by getting eTrade.  I guess the theory is that if we want some level of revenge against revolting lizard subhumans like this grizzled old money-grubbing leach on humanity, we need to use an investing App to make ourselves even more rich- and then what?  Buy a submarine, torpedo this guy's yacht, and then hit golf balls at his bobbing head until he goes under for a final time?


Saturday, September 9, 2017

Discover the pain only commercials like this can provide



1.  I've watched this commercial four times, and I still can't figure out whether or not the same actor is playing the prospective Discover Card customer and the Discover Card Phone Center Monkey.  If it is the same actor, it only makes sense if this is the way Discover is saving a little bit of money by only hiring one guy to cover two roles and thinks this is clever in some way.  If they are two different actors, how depressing is it that Generic Thirtysomething Guy on TV Commercials has become SO generic that they might as well just clone this stupid scruffy loser and sell him to ad companies already?

2.  Tell me how this jackass has a FICA score 100 points below mine but managed to finance a million-dollar house complete with a brick backyard barbecue and a patio featuring indoor furniture.  Or is that his living room in the background, and this house has windows instead of walls?  Either way, f--k you you douchenozzle and f--k your "just callin' cause I got even more spare time than I do spare money" attitude.

3.  Unlike the bored jerkwad calling from the ridiculous million-dollar McMansion, nobody has ever said "I'm so proud of you" to the phone monkey working in the Discover Card boiler room.  And certainly not in English, as I'm pretty sure Discover isn't paying Americans to take pointless calls from bored rich people who somehow managed to achieve financial success without being aware that there are ways of getting their credit score for free AND that checking doesn't impact the freaking score.  The guy wasting time with the pond scum and his dog should be a lot browner and his accent should be a lot more Middle-Eastern.  I'm sure his name is still Bob, though.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Oh Bite Me, Windows 10*



If I had a nickle for every commercial, tv show or film which "celebrated" an "amazing, gifted, awesomely dedicated and engaging" teacher with all of six freaking students, I'd be rich.  And retired from my job as an actual teacher with no fewer than 15 kids in each class who uses a computer which may or may not have a stable connection to the internet from one day to the next, and which randomly signs off at crucial moments during lessons Because That's A Problem We Can't Fix And No You Can't Either Because We Can't Give You Administrator Access.

*And you too, Mr. Toney The Amazing Teacher who uses rap to engage his kids, ensuring he'll live in their hearts forever blah blah blah.  Bite me hard.  Then, go die in a fire.   I'd type more, but I have to get up tomorrow and go teach actual information to my actual classes.  Without Windows 10.

Monday, September 4, 2017

Ok that does it, Mila! Our marriage is OFF!



Wow, what could be more heartwarming than watching Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis, and other semi-talented but very wealthy young people spending gobs of money making someone's "Houzz dreams"*come true?  Hmmm...how about an extinction-level event featuring a comet the size of Alaska?  That would be even more heartwarming- and much, much more welcome than this self-indulgent tripe.

Someday, someone will explain the appeal of these "watch spoiled brats with unlimited budgets knock down walls, install ridiculously pricey appliances and basically do whatever the hell they want Because Money" shows which are currently a plague on our nation.  I just don't get it.  That being said, Mila Kunis could furnish my basement anytime.  If I had a basement.

I really hate everything right now.

("Houzz?"  Why, television?  WHY?)

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Chevy's latest Real People, Not Actors insult puts a bow on my summer



1.  "If you are looking for adventure this summer," you aren't going to find it test-driving a Chevy, because you aren't going to find a Chevy dealer willing to let you drive 90 MPH around a freaking racetrack.  It would be exciting to do that- but you know what, it would probably be exciting to drive ANY car 90 MPH on a race track.  What the hell does that have to do with what you are actually going to be using a car for in real life, you stupid hicks?

2.  "I think I left my SOUL back there."  Oh, I have no doubt that's true, buddy.  And all you got in return was about five seconds of tv face time.  And for the next fifty years, you can entertain your friends with this clip of you pretending to wet your pants over a freaking Chevrolet.  Hope it was worth it.  No refunds.

3.  "Can I take this home with me?"  Cripes, that's the least they should let you do for surrendering what little dignity you had left to be in this ad, Stupid Woman.  Definitely, take the car home and thanks for proving once again that "What Would You Do For a Klondike Bar?" was a prophetic vision of our future.  Sure people in the 70s would dance like a chicken for a few ounces of ice cream and chocolate shell, but they had more pride in their little fingers than these Chevy Real People, Not Actors do in their entire bodies.  If they don't at least get to drive off in these crappy piles of junk on wheels after their shameless buttkissing, they sold themselves way too cheap.

If you thought Nestle hated you, check out Dockers!



We all know and loathe the Kit Kat commercials which feature no actual dialogue, just horrible sound effects including beeps, rings, buzzers and bells to the "break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar" jingle.  We especially hate them when we suffer from sound sensitivity issues.  And that makes us hate companies which behave as if if they aren't aware such issues exist, or who are perfectly willing to give a gigantic middle finger to those who suffer from them.

So if you have Hypersensitive Hearing, Misophonia, Phonophobia, Hyperacusis, etc. you've probably trained yourself to leap for the remote mute button whenever a Kit Kat commercial comes on.  Well, now you can look forward to even more suffering, because Dockers is comign at you with what I'm sure they think is super-clever advertising but is in fact another painful wall of noise.  And they either don't know, don't give a damn, or think your suffering is funny.  So I've been subjected to this garbage during Every. Single. Commercial Break. On ESPN.com while watching the Red Sox-Yankees game.  I hope you burn in hell, ESPN.  AND Dockers.

(BTW, I don't think I suffer from any of the conditions I listed above; if I do, they've gone undiagnosed.  But I do find these ads obnoxious and grating and they do make me want to seriously hurt someone, so who knows.)




Friday, September 1, 2017

Another Breathtakingly dumb Geico Ad? Nothing surprising about this at all.



The only thing more depressing than the thought of human beings putting actual time and money into producing this drek is the response of the glue-sniffing Youtube commenters below it.  I really, really hope that at least most of them are just paid shills, because if this many people really enjoyed this ad (one suggests that it may convince him to switch to Geico, because hey if Geico is clever enough to make a "Running of the Bulldogs" ad, they MUST be awesome at providing coverage in the event of an accident, right?) I really don't know if I can go on doing this blog.   It's just getting too sad for me.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Or maybe I'm just weird



Am I the only person who saw this commercial and thought

A.  The dad has broken up with his daughter and is trying to win her back,

B.  The dad is way too invested in his daughter's relationship issues and is being uber-creepy in his response to a 20-year old woman's decision to break it off with a 14-year old boy (seriously, that boy is not old enough to have been dating that girl.  Maybe that's why she ended it- a judge told her to?)

C.  The dad is acting like a jealous weirdo with the whole sprinkler thing.  I think Uncle Buck kidnapping his neice's unfaithful boyfriend, trussing him like a turkey and dumping him into the trunk of his beater made more sense than this.  Is dad really so convinced that his daughter can't handle this on her own?

D.  Do daughters who are recovering from a breakup really want hugs from dad?  I would think a long conversation over coffee at Starbucks with her best GIRL FRIENDS would be more realistic here.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

And I don't care about this, Honda



Based on what we are allowed to see, I've put together the backstory of this commercial:

This family, despairing of ever finding any joy in the relationship they have been damned by DNA to share thanks to unthinking relatives most of whom have passed on, decide to pack up a picnic lunch and drive off to the desert to have a nice final meal followed by a murder-suicide.

Once they've finished off the bucket of KFC and two six-packs of Pepsi they brought with them, they realize that they lack the courage to break out the cyanide-laced PowerAde and, more depressed than ever, settled for taking a few pictures of the bleak landscape before piling back into the family SUV and returning through the desert to their even bleaker suburban dungeon.

On the way, one of the younger members of this Family of the Damned decides to provoke someone into putting him out of his misery by singing out loud, breaking the family's No Talking In The Car rule which is tolerated because there's no internet connection anyway (Idiot Dad, who has Always Let Us Down, didn't get the car which came with it's own WiFi, the cheap douchenozzle.)

The other people in the car, collectively figuring "wow, I had no idea life could actually get worse" join in, perhaps hoping that this is the thing that might push them to do what they really want to do and start guzzling that PowerAde after all.


Saturday, August 26, 2017

Honda continues to confound me



The people in the photos around these Very Famous And Therefore Very Important People are total unknowns who, I assume, were just living everyday lives until this ad came around to remind them that they aren't Tina Fey or any of these other very famous people.

But hey, don't despair- maybe you aren't rich and famous and the subject of car commercials with the the theme of Success Comes From Dreaming and Striving, but if you can scrape up $45,000 over the next four years you can buy one of these unnecessarily large automobiles.  So that's something, right?

Friday, August 25, 2017

Toyota Jan has the easiest job on the planet



Toyota Jan sees a drooling idiot gazing into the window of a typical Toyota SameMobile and interrupts her strolling-while-drinking-coffee long enough to suggest that he may need some help (he needs help, all right, but not the kind Jan The Toyota Toady can provide.)

She helpfully suggests that he "can take it for a test drive."  He sort-of responds, but is still way too satisfied with his view of the car (which I guess is locked? Why is he just looking at the interior through the closed window, anyway?) from the driver's side window.

Jan doesn't push the issue, because Jan isn't really a car salesman- unless she really thinks that her job is to make sure that people who are staring at the interior of cars with their noses pressed against the windows don't care about actually getting in the car or maybe even driving it.  Jan does what no car salesman would ever do- noticing a customer clearly interested in a car, she just asks a question and then walks away.  I've been asked if I'd like to look at a car as I walk past dealerships.  This guy can be attempting to make out with one and be all but ignored by the sales staff?  Please.

But Jan lives in a Toyota TV Fantasy World where truly interested customers knock eachother over to "claim" cars as they wave their checkbooks and beg to be allowed to sign on the dotted line.  She doesn't have to hustle for business- it gets thrown out her.  So when this guy is done mentally having sex with the car, he'll plead to be allowed to take his new love interest home and won't ask about the price.  Jan will interrupt her coffee time long enough to tell him where to sign and hand him the keys.  It's great to be Jan.  This guy?  Well, it's just a commercial, right?

Monday, August 21, 2017

TD Ameritrade's "Green Room" doesn't exist in any universe I know



The couple in this commercial look to be about forty.  And they are telling the TD Ameritrade guy that they've "carefully saved" $103,000 and are nervous about investing it because, after all, it took them a long time to save that $103,000 so it's super important that they don't blow it on bad investments....

Couple of things.  First, if this couple really is about forty, they are at least 25 years from retirement and are still around a decade away from their peak earning years.  At the rate they are going, they could expect to quadruple that amount at least without even trying.  Which brings me to my next point...

This couple is not even trying.  If they've "carefully saved" $103,000 and are just now thinking maybe of sorta investing if they can be sure the investments are safe, they have been stashing money away in a bank which is paying them no interest, meaning that every year they've been saving their hard-earned, carefully-hoarded money has been losing value.  Their strategy so far has been one step above the Bury The Cash In Coffee Cans In The Backyard method.  Idiots.

I suppose the TD Ameritrade guy is too good at his job to openly laugh and shake his head at these stupid people who apparently think that it's 1896 and a savings account at the neighborhood bank is the solid foundation of a retirement plan.  So he'll suggest that rather than be concerned about $103,000 they've got saved up a freaking quarter-century before retirement, they ought to be thinking about making that money- and future "savings"- grow at a rate somewhat faster than the 1% they've been getting at the Safe As A Vault Because That's What You're Using It For bank.

Finally, I don't give a flying damn about these people.  They are barely getting started and they've got $103,000 in savings?  I hope an earthquake devours them and the pile of cash they are so damn proud of.  I hate you people so damn much- but not as much as I hate the fact that there's a massive industry devoted to hiring grinning number-pushers dedicated to manipulating your cash to make other people rich in return for virtually no actual work.  They make you jackwads look like saints.


Saturday, August 19, 2017

Taco Bell Couples Counseling



The woman in this ad is so distraught at the idea of being single, she's actually mourning the end of a "relationship" she had with a disgusting, insensitive-to-the-extreme slob and willing to take "relationship counseling" from one of his equally loathsome friends.

Think about it- the message here is that the woman does not know how to fill the void in her life created by the imminent departure of the man-child sitting next to her.  And the man-child?  He's already found a way to replace her.  It's with a handful of greasy beef and carbs.  She's already been forgotten, because Hey Calories.

And think about this- loathsome male who barely acknowledges her existence because he's shoving poison into his cake hole has an actual male friend there to back him up.  Where's her support?  Oh, she doesn't have any- she's all alone in the world, now that the guy she thought was going to be The One has decided she's totally expendable as long as Taco Bell keeps coming up with delicious ways to deliver toxins to the bloodstream.

I'd say that this woman is better off, but it's hard to imagine that she's not going to quickly find another sociopath to cling to in the hopes of fulfilling the American dream of marriage, children, house in the suburbs, and....well, that's about it, actually.

Friday, August 18, 2017

Message to DirecTV NFL package fans....



If you are going to loudly demand Every Game, All Season, like the loathsome choad in this ad, you'd better come to grips with a few things.

First, you aren't a football fan.  Football fans follow a team.  Maybe it's their college team, maybe it's the NFL team they grew up with.  Maybe it's both.  But NFL fans do not follow every team, every week, because unless you are insane you get that there's more to weekends- and life in general- than watching football.

Second, you aren't even a sports fan.  I'll explain further by linking it to another ugly phenomenon which somehow became normal over the last ten years, that plague on America called "Fantasy Sports."

Fantasy Sports Fans- like NFL Direct Ticket fans, you are not actually sports fans.   You aren't even Fantasy fans.  You are fans of finding reasons to sit on your butts doing absolutely nothing while your brains and bodies turn to mush and your loved ones go about their lives without you.   You practitioners in the Art of Not Moving.

In short, you are in the same group as the people who demand live streaming and infinite DVR'ing and "must" have access to Netflix and Hulu and Amazon Prime 24/7.   Pathetic.

I don't know who these commercials are supposed to appeal to, but I can think of two possible target audiences:

1.  People who are currently spending as much time as possible on the couch but who are perplexed by a nagging feeling that when the game is over they really ought to get up and do something because, you know, life and relationships and fleeting time and all that.  If the football never ends, that nagging feeling never shows up, right?

2.  People who already have the package and spend 20 hours or so every weekend watching football but who worry that they are being abnormal and who need affirmation that devoting one-seventh of their lives to a tv show is something others aspire to do.

3.  People whose lives from Monday to Friday are so unbelievably horrible that they really do need entire weekends of TV Coma to "recharge" and get ready for another five days of the relentless agony which defines their existence- and who have already binged on Game of Thrones marathons.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for purchasing the DirecTV package.  You are making traffic much more bearable on the weekends by just staying in your caves with your glowing friend.  Just don't call yourself football fans, because the only thing you are fans of is being immobile as much as possible before death comes to claim your flabby, worthless selves.


Wednesday, August 16, 2017

The Upgrade includes Asian kids dressed as angels singing you to sleep



If you live in this freaking palace, you have ZERO business complaining about the quality of your sleep, you entitled asshats.

Seriously, I just love these ads, which always feature the beds located in impossibly opulent rooms with 360 degree views of oceans, city skylines, etc.  The message of each is "you're unbelievably wealthy.  You've got pretty much everything.  Oh, but if your sleep isn't 100 percent perfect, then neither is your life.  I bet you didn't even realize it, but for a few more grand which you have lying around anyway, even your sleep can be Superior to that of your Lessers.  So buy this."

Monday, August 14, 2017

Just innocently destroying the planet, one stupid move at a time



I bet the woman is this ad always unplugs her phone charger when it's not in use.  You know, to save energy and all that.  Think Globally, Act Locally.

And then, before going out on a date which will last a few hours, she leaves her television on so her dog can watch ping pong.  Otherwise, he might.....um, be lonely while she's away, I guess.*

One step forward, two steps back.  Again.

*this is assuming, of course, that the guy goes through with the date after witnessing her insanity.  Personally, I'd see this as her way of scaring me off.  It would work, too.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Xfinity's Not-So-Brave New World



The woman is this ad is singing the virtues of nonstop "connectivity," from the moment she rises (and before she actually gets out of bed) to the end of the day, when she meets up with the ugly choad she's decided is "cute" enough for her, or at the very least better than those other guys she flung away with a swipe of her finger because she could.

The most amazingly wonderful thing about the world and her life is that her phone "evolved" with her, so now every single thing she does- from ordering a total stranger to pick her up in an unfamiliar car to picking out someone to breed with- can be done with one little hand-held device.  She can even do really STUPID things (even more stupid than using phones to get rides from strangers or pick out potential life partners) like make flowered crowns to wear at the movies, or something.  I don't know what that's all about, and I'm pretty sure I don't care, because this is a pretty stupid woman.

In the end she's super-happy with Mr. "he's cute" (which sounds a lot like "he'll do") which tells me that this woman is really into stupid-looking doofuses who are obviously going to be bald before they get near 30, but hey to each her own.  Not as much as she's into worshipping her phone, though.  Not even close.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Six years later....Windows didn't "solve" anything



I actually commented on this commercial back in 2011.  I didn't go back and look at the post, but I'm pretty sure I said something like "yeah, right- what people really want is to get the Very Important Information they want more quickly so they can get back to their real lives.  Sure, they do.  No, they don't.  Because people actually like staring at their phones and if you give them faster connectivity they'll just use that to stare at more things on their phones."

I'm pretty sure I wasn't proven wrong.  In 2017 our phones can do more, faster, than they could way back in 2011.  And stop me if I'm wrong, but I haven't noticed a decrease in the amount of time people spend staring at their phones.

In fact, I feel pretty safe in arguing that what seemed like stupid, time-wasting, zombie behavior in 2011- walking down the sidewalk with eyes fixed on the phone, sitting at a restaurant and staring at that phone rather than talking to the person you are "with," and basically incorporating that phone into every aspect of your life no matter how bizarre it might have seemed a few years ago- has become so normal that I suspect a lot of people look at this ad and say to themselves "yes, really.  And? So? What's the point?"

I also think it's safe to say that the drug dealers who peddle the idea of nonstop electronic stimulus in the form of Permanent "Connectivity" have won their battle with civilization, and restaurants of the future will feature single-seating because our phones don't need chairs.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Making American Values Great Again, courtesy of GMC



What are your goals in life?

To be a good person?  Loser.  Good people get stepped on.

To be a good father?  What are you, a woman?  Next thing you know you'll be telling me you want to know how to change a diaper.  Pansy.

To do a good job at work?  Uh huh.  Good employees don't get the promotion.  You're a drone.  Sheep.

To be a good husband?  Thanks for adding to the feminization of males.  I bet you like participation trophies and gender-neutral clothing, too.  Ninny.

Here's what your goals in life SHOULD be, and WOULD be, if you were a man and not just a male:

Be the BEST person.  The GREATEST.  Better than your neighbors.  But even that's not enough.  Gotta SHOW them how much better you are by parking this gigantic truck in your driveway.

Be the BEST father.  Take your kids to the gun range.  Teach them from an early age that they must win at every sport, bring home every trophy.  And none of this second-place stuff.  That's like having the second-largest truck on the block.  That's for losers.  Are your kids losers?

Be Employee of the Month.  Every month.  Get to work early and stay late.  Take credit for the work of others, get adept at back-stabbing, spread rumors about your fellow workers.  Get that raise, get that corner office.  Take two spaces in the parking lot with your massive truck, so it's shadow falls on at least two lesser cars belonging to the lesser employees.

Be the BEST husband by bringing home the MOST money so the Little Woman can buy the kids the BEST clothes and take them on the BEST vacations and drop them off at school in that massive truck so their friends can stare at awe at it's- errr, YOUR- awesomeness.

Above all, spend your life rubbing everyone else's nose in your obvious superiority.  Start with this truck.  It will instantly make you better.  Take our word for it.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

So the 90s are nostalgia now? Thanks Macy's.



I'm not even going to get into a rant about the sexualization of teenagers so obnoxiously obvious in this horrible ad.  I'm too stuck on the fact that unless you squint and look quickly at the little pop-ups in the corner, you probably wouldn't even notice that this is even a commercial for back-to-school clothes and not a really, really horrible music video for an act you have no interest in seeing ever.

Oh, and the terms "Rad Fashion" and "Dope Denim."  Rad? Dope? Oh right, this is supposed to be 90s throwback stuff.  The "Me, Myself and I" lyrics should have cued me in.  Holy crap, I was just getting used to the 80s nostalgia stuff- we've moved on to the 90s already? NOOOOOOO!!  Not before Video Rental Stores make a comeback you don't!!!

Anyway, buy this stuff and your teens will be ready to go to school dressed like their parents were back in the 90s, I guess.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to feeling old now.  Stupid Macy's.


Monday, August 7, 2017

I'm surprised she didn't instinctively bring him a beer on the way from the bathroom



1.  It's pretty clear from the tone of this woman's voice that this guy has bugged his significant other many, many times in the past with this "you gotta see this" nonsense.  Yet she feels compelled to get out of the bathtub and walk into the living room still wet and wrapped only in a towel rather than make him wait until she finishes her bath and gets dressed.  Good Trophy Wife!  Good Girl!

2.  Turns out that what she's "gotta see" this time is that the son she managed to birth- fulfilling her contract with the jackass bag of money with legs she married- is capable of bleating "go Irish," which I guess is supposed to be impressive despite the fact that the kid is at least four years old and should probably be getting some testing done if he CAN'T say "go Irish."

3.  Trophy Wife/Mom, wondering why the bank account she sold herself to isn't capable of taking care of their son for more than ten minutes without interrupting her while she takes a bath, murmurs something that sounds like "Ok, great, I'm going to go back to doing what I'm doing" but which probably more accurately translates to "thanks for reminding me again what I sold myself for.  I have to go look at that wedding ring again, and maybe check out the Lexus in the driveway, before I succumb to complete despair."

Next time, lock the bathroom door, Trophy Wife.  Or just keep on keeping on, because no matter how obnoxious that man-child you chained yourself to in exchange for a house and financial security is, it's still better than navigating the big scary world all by yourself, right?  Right?

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Uber is dedicated to making life even better for those who already have everything



Hey, rich white people with money burning holes in your pockets!  Running out of ways to toss that money away?  Coming dangerously close to looking into that charity thing you hear people on tv talking about?  Well, here comes Uber Eats to the rescue!

Now you can get your favorite high-end food without leaving your house or office- transforming "eating out" from an occassional benefit of your gilded existence to something you do three or even four times a day (yes, you can have chef-prepared SNACKS delivered right to your palace, your majesty!)  After all, you don't really like to cook anyway- the only reason you ever shopped was to be seen by your neighbors in the Brie aisle at Whole Foods.  Now whenever you and your pretty white friends want to get together to eat, you don't have to risk sitting next to lessers.  Just get on that App and have a big pile of delicacies delivered to your house, or the park, or the beach, or any other out-of-the way inconvenient place you want to drop your pampered butts Because You Can now.

Because Uber isn't just total strangers driving around hoping to sell you a ride anymore.  Now it's total strangers delivering gourmet food, you disgustingly spoiled little twats.  I just hope this means you plan to spend more time in your well-furnished cages, because that at least would be one benefit to the rest of us who believe me, won't miss you for one moment.


Saturday, August 5, 2017

I don't want to live in the world these Chevy Truck Guys have inherited



So I guess the "punchline" of this "very funny lol" commercial in which three guys and a dog have survived the Mayan apocalypse is that one of their friends "didn't make it" because he drove a Ford truck instead of a Chevy.  Because while Chevys can survive being buried by tons of granite and steel, don't even ATTEMPT to get yourself through the End of the World in a Ford.

So these guys all enjoy a bit of a sad chuckle at the fate of their friend, who I guess at the last minute had a choice of which car he was going to drive-?  I mean, did he have two trucks in the garage and just picked the wrong one not realizing that this was the day he was going to need the "real" one, the Chevy?

When this eventually does happen, I'll be in the rubble because I don't drive a Real Man's Truck like these mouth-breathing morons who BTW obviously cast their last ever vote for Donald Trump.  So I won't be around when they die from some horrible disease brought on by long-term exposure to the rotting corpses which surround them as they toast their awesomeness with whatever beer they were able to find in the shattered shell of a liquor store down the street.  Nor will I be there when they draw lots to decide which one they eat first.  I'm betting the dog makes it out of the first round.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Summer Hiatus, Part III



One more extended vacation from this blog before heading back to school and the routine- this time I'll be spending a week at Hampton Beach NH, where we've been renting a house every late July/early August since the late-90s.  Very little by way of internet connectivity, so no chance of updating the blog until Saturday, August 5.

Please enjoy the archives while I spend a week taking long walks, swimming, playing paddle ball and having coffee and protein bars for breakfast and ice cream for dinner....and playing ancient video games at the arcade.  See you next Saturday!

Remember when Dell sold their laptops as educational tools?



Well, that's over.  Now Dell encourages kids to use their laptops to secretly play stupid video games instead of paying attention in class.

Oh, but maybe the hidden message here is that Peter Parker is already a science savant bored out of his mind in a way-too-easy High School science class, so he can totally ignore the lame teacher and play mind-numbing, time-sucking games and still ace every test?

And I'm not even going to get into the fact that the kid is supposed to be Peter Parker and he's playing a video game starring- his alter ego?  Seriously, what the hell?  Oh wait, I said I wasn't going to get into that.


Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Allstate: Being Passive-Aggressive/ Antisocial is funny now!



Pretty much every YouTube commentator/glue-sniffer adores this ad.  They all find it LOL OMIGD SO FREAKING FUNNY, thanking Allstate for "finally depicting a smart man in a commercial for a change," and begging the company for more commercials just like this EPIC BTW WHO IS THE MOM SHE IS SO HOT ad.

Personally?  I wonder why the hell this guy is ok with the job of carting around his idiot zombie family, or why no adult in any commercial featuring cell phones has any control at all over when they are used and when they are off.  (Great modeling there, btw, Mom.)  I wonder what would be so horrible about this guy saying "turn your phones off when you're in the car and talk to eachother like human beings.  Pretend we're a family or something."  But apparently that simply isn't done anymore.

Instead, we get an ad which would only be funny if the husband was saying something like "you idiots have no idea that I've cleaned out the bank account and am going to fake my own death so I can be with my mistress starting Friday night.  And maybe you won't even care until the phone bill comes and you realize how addicted you are to electronic stimulus.  I'd almost like to see that.  But not enough to stick around."

Now that would be a commercial worth gushing over.  This?  Not so much.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Explain this Southwest Commercial to me



In all of the other episodes in Southwest's apparently neverending "Wanna Get Away?" ad campaign (which I think rivals only Flo from Progressive in wearing out their welcome) we kind of get that someone has done something really stupid and would really, really like to be able to melt into the ground and vanish from sight rather than deal with the consequences of that really stupid thing.

But in this ad, the guy who shows up and identifies Fenwick has unwittingly saved the life of every person in his defeated group except one- Fenwick.  They should all be thrilled that they managed to be incredibly loyal and brave yet because of this one guy they will get to tell their grandchildren how incredibly loyal and brave they were.  The dope looking for his shield has saved an entire army from annihilation- only one guy, Fenwick, will be sacrificed.  Which is what Fenwick wanted anyway- shouldn't he be the very first to thank this guy?  I mean, what are we supposed to think- that if the guy with the shield hadn't shown up, they all would have been spared, and now they are all going to be executed?  Because I got the opposite message.

(After all, if after the battle between the slave army and the Romans in Spartacus someone had unwittingly identified Kirk Douglas as the guy Lawrence Olivier was looking for, Spartacus would have been satisfied, Crassus would have been satisfied, and the slave army would have been sad but spared.  Instead they all get crucified.  That's a happier ending?)

So what am I missing here?

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Oh Bite Me, Mercedes Benz



So the people in this boring but affluent suburb are doing the usual boring but affluent things- playing catch, writing on the driveway with chalk, etc.- just minding their own business and enjoying life, when....

...they are interrupted by a parade of roaring ImpulseBuy LookAtMe StatusMobiles, which completely distract each and every one of them from the quiet little moments they were enjoying and compel them to stare with drooling mouths at the cars which for some reason are coming down their street at a speed at least 15-10 MPH over the posted speed limit (oh and this is apparently the only suburb in the United States without any speed bumps, anywhere, but never mind....)

I supposed that when these idiots have moved on, the kids and adults who live in this suburb will completely forget what they were doing and will continue to be consumed with Consumer Lust which will not be satisfied until a red Mercedes Benz is in the driveway.  I just hope that once that itch is scratched they are allowed to go back to doing those innocent but very unprofitable things they were enjoying before they were interrupted by Madison Avenue.  Down $60 K or so, it's back to playing catch and writing on the sidewalk, right?

Please?

Friday, July 21, 2017

Rocket Mortgage by Quicken Loans: Just a sign of the times, I guess...



Maybe it's because I was born after 1980, I don't know, but I'll agonize for ten minutes over which brand of freaking laundry detergent to buy and when I used to shop for cars I'd visit the dealership at LEAST twice before finally committing.  My travel agent knows that I'll be sending her at least half a dozen emails requesting information on as many different countries before I decide which, if any, I'm going to be visiting next summer- and then I'll start the long, ardous process of nailing down the right week I intend to go.

But apparently it's perfectly normal nowadays for young people to see a house they like, whip out their phones, and commit to a 30-year mortgage in about fifteen seconds flat.  Monthly payments? Insurance?  WTF-ever, I guess.  Checking out different banks to see who is offering the best deal?  We don't do that anymore, grampa.  We've got Smartphones now- which means we can make life-defining decisions by scrolling our finger across a screen.  We've got thirty years to think about it, starting later.  That house is available, we want it, what else is there to discuss?

A few years ago I snarked on a commercial which featured someone using a Smartphone to check out pets available at the local shelter, and picking one out based on how it looked on her screen.  I feel stupid for making fun of that person now.  The people in this ad are spending far less time researching mortgages and agreeing to spend $400,000 plus interest between now and mid-century than that pet-seeker did in finding a small mammal to take care of for a decade or so.  I thought "One-Click" adoption would come before instant mortgages.  Shows what I know.


Thursday, July 20, 2017

Let us give thanks to the power grid....



This ad reminds me of those Educational Videos put out by Encyclopedia Brittanica or Centron back in the 1950s which were supposed to remind kids that Freedom isn't FreeTM and that all the wonderful things that make life in the lily-white suburbs worth living- cars, parks, schools for white people, and prefab housing for white people- not to mention cheap fruits and vegetables for white people harvested by brown people- come to us courtesy of American Capitalism, which is God-Given but must be defended with prayers, hard work, and the Military Industrial Complex.

Sure, when you flip that switch, you just "take for granted" that because you paid your electric bill, the lights will come on.  But being a spoiled rotten We Americans Have No Idea How Much Blood, Sweat and Tears Went Into Providing This Service culture, we need two minutes of "this is why you should shut up about the negatives attached to oil, natural gas and nuclear power because hey do you want power or not?"

Turns out that for me to have the power to run my laptop so I can post this blog, thousands upon thousands of people had to sacrifice millions of hours to build thousands of miles of pipelines and wiring and dozens of nuclear power plants, I had no idea and I feel so immensely selfish and will never again complain when there's a spill or meltdown and I'm sure as hell not going to ask where the waste goes EVER, because after all it's my fault it even exists because I turned on my laptop and I TAKE IT FOR GRANTED that power will be there.

While I'm at it, I sure as HELL am not going to ever grouse about my electric bill again, when you consider the army of people who toiled for decades to create the grid which even made the Miracle of Electrical Power possible, I should be thankful it's not a thousand times higher, and I should be AMAZED that despite the obvious superiority of the American Energy System (direct from Canada, but shut up) virtual saints are (unbelievably) working to make it EVEN BETTER OMIGOD WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS I'M NOT WORTHY!

Personally, I'd be proud to have a nuclear waste dump in my backyard.  Or fire coming out of my faucet.  I'd think I was doing at least SOMETHING to contribute to this Miracle of Endless Practically Free Energy All The Time and not just being a selfish ungrateful maggot like those hippies with their Commie solar panels and wind farms (I bet they are all atheists, too.)  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to flip my lights on and off while singing "God Bless America."  Oh, and thanks to you too, Canada.  I guess.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Verizon, please tell me why I bother....



...wearing a day-glo green backpack, or looking both ways before I cross the street, or working hard to make eye contact with drivers before attempting to cross the street, or always walking defensively, assuming that the people operating motor vehicles these days have their eyes on everything BUT what is right in front of them....

...when you are just going to keep coming out with products designed to encourage those motor vehicle operators to completely zone out concerning everything going on in the real world all around them and just be on Facebook or obsessively checking their email instead of making sure that they aren't slamming into someone who is just trying to get from Point A to Point B without being smushed from a completely distracted asshat who is supposed to be OPERATING A MOTOR VEHICLE AND NOT F--NG AROUND WITH THE INTERNET????

BTW, I just love how no part of this ad actually shows anyone using the WiFi capabilities being offered- probably because Verizon couldn't figure out a way to do it without showing people breaking the f--ing law, which they are totally being encouraged to do with this kind of technology.  I'm doomed.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Real Rubes, Ruining my summer by "starring" in Chevy Commercials



Just do a quick survey of YouTube comments and you'll see that Chevrolet's "Real People, Not Actors" series is among the most loathed in the history of commercial buffoonery.  Chevy's response, clearly, is to just ramp up the jaw-dropping dumb by putting the pathetic mouth-breathing "I'll say or do anything for a few seconds of facetime on tv" Real Idiots into increasingly absurd, forehead-slapping situations.

Check out this latest chunk of stupid, accredited to Valley Motors or something which I guess is just one of the 3500 or so local Chevy dealers in the United States where you can see one of these dull crapmobiles for yourself.  One of the Real Shameless Not Actors squeals with delight because she's test driving a Chevrolet on a racetrack, something she'll never be able to do once she buys the car but figures that won't matter because taking Brady to soccer practice will feel just like being on the Nascar circuit.  Another refugee from a nearby Trump rally gives us the obligatory "WOOOO!" as he uses a Totally Unnecessary But Satisfyingly Compensating pickup to- umm, climb some obstacle, for some reason. Never mind that he'll be using that $40,000 toy to haul garbage and couches and groceries over speed bumps and will never, ever encounter anything like this obstacle in real life.  As for the guy who wants to "head to the Chevy dealership as soon as he gets home," well, more power to you, buddy.  I don't even care that you're blatantly brown-nosing Chevrolet to get yourself on tv because when you've sunk as low as this, what difference would my dissaproval matter to you, you pathetic nothingburger?

The really bad news is that there's absolutely nothing different about these ads except for the word "Summer."  These look exactly like the ads we saw all last fall during the baseball playoffs and then during the NFL season.  And there are always Chevy sales events going on- always.  Just like there are always people ready to chirp valentines to Chevy in exchange for 2 seconds of "hey look at me I'm on tv" validation.  Man are you people sad!