Saturday, October 14, 2017

Domino's Soft Sell + Hard Sell = No Sale

I couldn't care less how much you love your stores, Dominos franchise owners.  Don't care how you got the money to start them up, don't care if they "mean everything to you," and sure as hell don't care that when the order came down from the people who REALLY own the stores to remodel, you were just fine with that.

So now that you've failed to win me over with your Tales of American Entrepreneurship....

I couldn't care less that Domino's sludge factories look more modern now, or include plexiglass partitions to allow stupid gawky kids to stare at the pizza-building monkeys who must really feel like they are in a cage, and wasn't working here for minimum wage humiliating enough without being on display like this?

And I'm sure you think that watching people smash windows and knock down walls in slow motion to some crappy rap song (I don't care how many YouTube commentors desperately "need" the song, btw) is super entertaining and all that, but it's not going to distract us from the simple fact that for all of the Spirit of the Small Businessman, the Glossy New Decor, or the Really Cool Destruction that went into making Domino's Lowest Common Denominator Pizza Distributors look different, this is just an attempt to put a whole lot of lipstick on a really, really ugly pig.  Because in the end, this is still just Domino's.  Adding giant pans of pasta isn't getting me through that door.  Improving the look isn't getting me through that door.  The only thing that could get me through that door is decent food- and I notice you aren't talking about making radical improvements to THAT anywhere in these ads.

So I'll continue to pass on the bland, flabby carbs and sugar, sorry.  Hope you own the rights to that music, though.  There are a lot of idiots on Youtube who apparently are willing to pay for it.


  1. I agree this concept fell on its face, one of those ideas that someone came up on a late Friday night while drunk with friends.
    However, just how crappy are the ingredients? You seem to know yet you never consume the product. What exactly is crappy about Dominoes? Is it the bread, the sauce, the meats, the veggies? Is it all crappy? Is it less crappy than a fast food burger? How does Dominoes compare to other fast food pizza chains? You attack the commercial, but then also attack the product without giving any reference or comparison to some other product of equal value. I never got the concept of seeing the pizza being made because I never got past the first 10 seconds of the commercials where people brag about hating where they work as if it were a badge of courage.

    1. I have no idea why it took me two years to write a reply to your comment, but better late than never?

      1. Dominoes is actually more "bland" than "bad." It's mass-produced so everything I have ever eaten there is in desperate need of spices. I can taste very little of the food- I can feel the texture in my mouth, but I can't taste it. It's just boring.

      2. No, Dominoes is not really "more crappy" that PapaJohns or Little Caesar's or PizzaHut- to me, they all taste pretty much the same. On the rare occassions (2-4 times per year) I order pizza I get PapaJohns because it's close and I have the online ordering all set up and- most significantly- they have constant discount deals connected to local sports teams. Plus my niece who is always visiting when I order pizza likes it.

      3. I grew up in a small town with a great local pizza place, so I got used to eating good pizza and pasta with actual taste, so I'm probably kind of spoiled.