Tuesday, March 2, 2021

NFL Gear Presents: Poser Central (currently Tampa Bay)

 


Oh give me a freaking break.  I own Patriots and Red Sox gear (sweatshirts, jackets, caps,* that kind of thing) but when my team wins I don't strut around like I personally won something.  Because I didn't.  I watched my favorite team win something.   It didn't make me a winner, didn't get me a ring, and sure as hell didn't give me an excuse to deck myself out in I AM A FAN OF THIS CURRENT CHAMPION clothing so I could stand in the middle of the street with my chest puffed out and a look on my face which screams "yeah, I beat your sorry a**, loser punk. Who's your daddy now?"

These people especially need to just Stop Now.  You are "fans" of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  There's a very good chance that you didn't know your city had a freaking NFL franchise until about six weeks ago (I could be generous and suggest they became fans when they heard the Bucs got that Brady guy from New England, but why would I be generous?  When am I ever generous?)  Just admit that you're the kind of "fans" who jump on the bandwagon just before it reaches top speed- like Red Sox "fans" who magically remembered they were fans all at the same time in late October, 2004.  And then went out and bought pink, camo, purple, etc. baseball caps.  And embraced that marketing ploy called "Red Sox Nation."  You people make me sick.  But I digress.

If I didn't want to be sued, I'd suggest that someone knock these smug-for-zero-reason posers in their stupid faces.  But encouraging violence is against the law, in most cases.  Most cases.

*not a Patriots cap, just a Red Sox cap.  Football caps are stupid.

Sunday, February 28, 2021

This Cherry Pepsi Commercial gives me hope for America's future

 


Not the commercial itself, mind you.  It's just another brainless Wall of Noise which has any sensible human being lunging for the Mute button and wondering what on Earth is going on at Pepsi that they would think anyone would want to experience this garbage unironically.

No, my hope comes from the comment section (I've never written that before, that's for sure.)  Pretty much all the comments condemn Pepsi for subjecting we the audience to this horrible spectacle which is apparently attempting to be hip or cool or whatever the hell it is that young people are calling it these days.  And I'm guessing that most of the comments are from young people who see right through Pepsi's ridiculous (and probably racist) effort to appeal to the Younger Set with this nonsense. 

Thanks for stepping up, YouTube commenters.  Maybe you are coming around.  This Boomer thinks that there may be hope for you yet.  Now get out of your parents basements, turn off the Game Box, get a job to pay for college, get a career you'll hold on to for forty years and buy a house for a year's salary before you hit 25!*

*Add /s for snark, of course.

Saturday, February 27, 2021

PNC Bank "Backhand" commercial makes Negative Sense

 

What does learning a backhand have to do with managing your online banking? Oh right- nothing. Thanks anyway, PNC Bank.  Thanks for not trying.  At all. 

How about this- "if you can read a book in a room the size of a walk-in closet with two other people, one of whom is practicing his backhand wearing virtual reality goggles, you are probably capable of managing your online banking because those are totally similar skills?"  Did you consider going with that?  Because it makes as much sense as this.  At LEAST as much sense.

Also- I assumed when I saw three people in a ridiculously cramped space that this was going to be a commercial for Rocket Mortgage. Seriously, why are all these people in the same room- especially the jackass with the virtual reality goggles? No other place you could be using those, buddy? Like in traffic, for example?

CopperFit Facial Masks, back for a (final?) Shameless Pandemic Cash Grab

 


1.  Notice how aggressive all of these commercials for Magic Copper Stuff are?  They all have this really in-your-face element about them, usually along the lines of "America Is On It's Way Back" and "Buy this Or DIE."  This time, it's facial coverings which, yes, no kidding, are "part of the new normal" and "even required in certain environments" (like California, New York, Washington DC or any other place the libtard Commiecrats are stifling your freedom.)

2.  Copper infused throughout entire facial covering gives you "all day comfort" and "peace of mind in this uncertain world."  But are we going to be told why it's better than any other (non-overpriced) facial covering?  Oh wait- was that what all that "Copper Infusion Technology" stuff was for?

3.  These facial coverings protect you from the "harsh elements"- which means, the sun.  You know, like any other facial covering.  It wicks away sweat, while at the same time keeping you cool, which I'm not sure actually makes sense.  

4.  They are washable- again, like pretty much any cloth mask.  

5.  We get a quote- "the Comfort you want, the protection you need."  Who is being quoted here?  We aren't told.  The words are just there, in quotation marks.  I'd be perplexed if this were the first Copper Crap commercial I'd ever seen.  It's not, so this is just par for the course.

6.  We get a repeat of the whole Start Technology/Air permitting/sweat wicking thing all over again, and then are told that copper is antimicrobial  or something.  I'd really like to see the data concerning the power of copper to kill or screen out microbes, but I don't think I'm going to be provided a link before this ad is over.

7.  Except for one detail, the rest of the ad is just a third repeat of claims already made.  The exception is a "warning" that "demand is high and supplies are limited," which more honestly translates into "six months from now nobody will be wearing masks anymore so our window of opportunity to sell crap that will sit in a junk drawer for the next thirty years after this summer is closing fast."

Friday, February 26, 2021

IHOP throws down the gauntlet in the Burrito Wars

 


So when the International House of Pancakes hires you to promote it's deep dive into the already-saturated-with-grease-and-fat American Burrito market, and you have absolutely no idea how you are going to do that, but you really want that sweet sweet IHOP marketing budget money, this is what you come up with:  a black guy standing on the roof of an IHOP, yelling to everyone within hearing range that IHOP now sells burritos. 

In a way, this is kind of the anti-Taco Bell of burrito commercials, isn't it?  Taco Bell has gone full Movie Mode with it's ads, creating mini-dramas that developmentally stunted Americans (the kind of people who would actually eat Taco Bell "food" products) eat up with the same enthusiasm as the vacuum in that disgusting garbage sold under the Taco Bell label.  IHOP doesn't attempt to copy Taco Bell's tactics in selling ITS burritos.  Taco Bell can spend millions of dollars on something that obese gamers who are unaware that Uber Eats doesn't exclusively deliver Taco Bell see as High Art.  IHOP is going totally minimalist, sticking a guy on the roof of an IHOP and having him just yell "This Place Got Burritos too, I just found out and responded by climbing on to the roof!"

Good to know, by the way, that when it comes to expanding the American waistline while reducing the American life expectancy, IHOP is not willing to let Taco Bell carry so much of the load anymore.  Thing is, they were already doing their part in those endeavors before entering the Oily Ground Beef market.  I expect Taco Bell to retaliate by adding Cheesecake Pancakes topped with Kool-Whip any day now.  

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

This stupid wall of noise brought to you by Kit Kat

 


Or maybe "this headache brought to you by the Hershey Company?"

Or how about we go back to "give me a break?"  I mean, that was absolute Einstein-level genius compared to this garbage. 

Don't even bother to watch this more than once.  Don't try to analyze it.  Don't try to figure out how it's supposed to make you want to eat a Kit Kat, which is actually a pretty decent candy as far as bland chocolate goes.  There's nothing to this ad.  It's just dumb and loud.  Which I guess is all you really need in a 15-second commercial for chocolate. 

Sunday, February 21, 2021

Xofluza: Seriously, WTF??

 


So if you've got a fever and chills, are short of breath, and a headache....are you really going to think it's the flu?  I mean it is Spring, 2021 after all.  I wouldn't think I've got the flu.  I'd assume I have that disease the mention of which gets your YouTube channel demonetized.  You know, that disease that doesn't exist and is just a plot to make you wear a mask because the government wants you to wear a mask because Reasons.  The one that was totally made up by China to destroy Donald Trump.  Yeah, that one.

Anyway, if you are an optimist and think you have a nasty case of the Flu and not that Other Thing, you've got about fifteen minutes to contact your doctor, get a diagnosis through a Zoom call, and get a prescription for Xofluza (I can't believe that wasn't taken already) filled by your local pharmacy before your window of opportunity to use this drug that I guess must be taken inside the first two days of symptoms closes faster than you wish those people living with you would just close the damn door already so you don't freeze to death while you're stuck inside (you know, those people who are going to mock your pain by throwing a ball back in forth right in front of your window while you sit propped up in your bed wondering why they don't get into the car and go pick up your damn prescription already.)

Xofluza (why does that sound like a really dumb music festival?) comes with all those wonderfully awful side effects that you've grown to love over the years- headaches, diarrhea, shortness of breath (you know, the same symptoms as the flu) so you know it's working to make you ten percent healthier than you were before.  Unless you've got that other thing we aren't going to talk about.

Saturday, February 20, 2021

As Seen on TV: Americans are Pathetic Whiners!

 


You've got a blog that virtually nobody reads.  Despite the tiny audience, you feel compelled to find material to use on your blog.  It's a real First World Problem that deserves a First World Solution!

Well, here's mine:  Instead of finding a commercial to snark on, I'm just going to cut and paste this guy's snark to my blog.  It's easy peasy, I got two just for paying extra shipping and handling, and now I can get back to doing whatever I was doing instead of updating my blog!

Friday, February 19, 2021

Better do this Mask commercial before its no longer relevant...any month now...

 


Know how I avoid losing my mask?  By wearing it on my face so it covers my nose and my mouth.  When I do that, it's pretty much impossible to lose it. 

It's really that simple.  If you aren't being a douchenozzle and just wearing a mask when you notice someone approaching you- and don't get "surprised" by someone "suddenly coming up on you" and there you are out in public and not wearing your mask- you really don't have to reach for that mask at the last moment, "dive into your handbag" or your pocket to get that piece of cloth you apparently are only willing to put on for a few seconds at a time when you decide that it's absolutely necessary to suspend your imaginary Right Not To Wear A Mask Cause Freedom.  Because you're already wearing it- as you walk across the parking lot and approach the entrance to the store, NOT carrying it in your pocket or your bag until you are five inches from that door.  Because you're already wearing it- NOT only when the waitress approaches at the outdoor cafe, but the whole time you are sitting there because We're Trying to Get Through This you freaking Dicktards.  

But I guess if you insist on whipping off your mask unless you are aware someone is within six feet of you, a mask with a built-in lanyard is a good idea.  If you're not part of the problem, it's kind of unnecessary because, well, YOU'RE ALREADY WEARING THE FREAKING MASK.

And oh, by the way- funny thing about masks- they are very easy to just slip under your chin when you are outside and there really is nobody around.  Even if you refuse to keep your nose and mouth covered like a good citizen, why the hell do you need a lanyard anyway?  

Oh, and Copper again.  Gotta mention that, too.  There's nothing copper can't do.  According to TV.  Except keep you from losing your mask.  So this one has a built-in lanyard.  

Tuesday, February 16, 2021

It's that time of year: Optima Tax Relief offers to defend the Indefensible

 


1.  No, the IRS can't just "take" your money if it "wants to."  If you owe taxes, the IRS has a case against you and can force you to pay your taxes.

2.  "...Even threaten your home or business."  If you have that home or business because you didn't pay your taxes, you stole the money used to maintain that home and business.  We'll get to who, exactly, you stole that money from in a moment, but- Spoilers!- I don't feel sorry for you.

3.  "One phone call to Optima Tax Relief can stop the IRS targeting you...." nope.  It CAN stop the "harassing letters" (I wonder- if you write to someone who owes YOU money, do you consider that "harassment?")  It CAN stop the phone calls from the IRS.  Know what's really wrong with this statement, though?  It's just as accurate if you cut out the "Optima Tax Relief" part.  If the IRS is sending you letters (the IRS does not operate over the phone, to discourage scammers) you can stop that by contacting the IRS and expressing an interest in working out your issues which (another Spoiler alert) are NOT WITH THE IRS.

4.  Let's just cut to the chase.  Nobody owes money to the IRS.  If you don't pay your taxes, you owe money to the USA.  You are a deadbeat freeloader who doesn't want to contribute to the society that is allowing you to succeed.  If you are prospering by not paying your fair share, you OUGHT to be called on your BS and forced to cough up, just like the rest of us.  Who the hell do you think you are, Donald Trump?

Don't want to be "harassed" to pay what you owe?  Pay what you owe.  Don't want your house or business or bank accounts seized?  Don't maintain them by cheating and avoiding your responsibilities.  And if you lose your Stuff because you got caught, pardon this Taxpayer for not having a single s--t to give for you.  I'm busy waiting for my refund, thanks anyway. 

Sunday, February 14, 2021

Discover how stupid this credit card company thinks you are

 


"Here's something else about Discover cards:  they are RECTANGULAR in shape, they are MADE OUT OF PLASTIC, and they fit CONVENIENTLY INTO ANY CONVENTIONAL WALLET!"

Thing is, there's this little thing called the Fair Credit Billing Act, which was passed into law in 1974 and has been strengthened in the past decade.  Generally, personal liability for the unauthorized use of a credit card is limited to $50; only in extreme conditions (the owner of the card loses the card but fails to notify the bank of the loss within 30 days) might it rise to a maximum possible liability of $500.  And if only the number has been stolen, and the customer can prove that the card is still within her possession, the liability in almost all cases is ZERO.

In other words, Discover is "offering" something that every other credit card company offers, and is REQUIRED to offer.  

(By the way, did the guy in this commercial buy that turtle online? Sure sounds like it, if he thinks that the merchant who sold him the turtle is using his card number fraudulently.  Who buys turtles online?  If he went through a local pet shop- you know, the way anyone else stupid enough to want to buy a turtle at all would- why isn't he discussing this issue with that pet shop?  And while we're at it, who deals with concerns about credit card theft by just randomly mentioning the issue with a friend?  There IS an 800 number on the back of that card.  Ever think about using it, moron?  I mean, even if you DON'T have any liability, you ought to be calling them with your concerns anyway, don't you think?  Do you EVER think?)

Saturday, February 13, 2021

eTrade needs to stop telling me to not get angry while making me angry

 


I guess I just don't these eTrade "don't get angry" commercials, as none of them have ever shown me a scenario in which I would be justified in "getting angry" (that is, unless eTrade knows I get angry at stupid commercials.  If that's the case, these all make perfect sense.)

In this ad, eTrade treats the audience like children who think "buying the dips" means buying actual dip for chips.  Thing is, 99 percent of the time for 99 percent of the audience, that's exactly what it means.  Even the part of the audience that is in the market- even the part that is actively involved in trading- generally means "buying dip for chips" when they say they are responsible for "buying the dips."  Because people who do their own trading don't need a new phrase for "buying when prices are low/dropping."  That phrase was working just fine, thank you very much. 

By the way, who is this commercial really supposed to appeal to?  People who do their own trading who think they really understand the market and need another reason to sneer and otherwise look down on people who don't do their own trading (like me) because they know they don't understand the market?  If that's the case, this ad belongs in the same rank as Audi and Lexus commercials, designed to stoke more anger from the unwashed, non-investing masses more than to attract new customers.  

Friday, February 12, 2021

eTrade continues to be stupid

 


I'm guessing that this kid's parents are too busy managing their money to pay any attention to him, which is why he's free to create his own sad little improvised gym, exercise and diet plan which includes wasting a dozen eggs--?

Judging from that house, one of two things must be true:

A.  This kids' parents are already doing very well financially, so at least they are getting some value in return for neglecting their kid.   OR

B.  This kid doesn't HAVE any parents, this is HIS house, which means he is doing REALLY well financially and I'm actually impressed.  But I don't get why he doesn't just get himself a Total Gym and/or a Peloton Bike, as he can obviously afford it. 

Sunday, February 7, 2021

Pizza Hut's retro fail. I'm already done with the Superbowl.

 


Remember back in the 1980s when you played Pacman?  Remember being young and going out and having fun pumping quarters into this and other stupid video games because you were young and it was fun and the whole world lay out in front of you?

Well, you can relive those years for a few seconds in this ad- if you are anyone but me, I guess.  I'm too busy getting queazy watching this guy spend half a minute spitting on a rapidly-cooling pizza before finally putting his game on pause and eating some.  I mean, go back and see how many times this guy utters the "p" sound.  Ugh. 

Meanwhile...the game starts in about half an hour, and as is my habit, I'll watch it while tuning out the commercials.  That's right, I don't even WATCH Superbowl ads.  I didn't even watch them for the two years I was a participant in the Nielsen ratings.  FU, Capitalism!  I'm watching your billion-dollar spectacle and I'm not contributing one penny to your insatiable maw!  

Rent A Center Commercial from 1994 shows how little progress we've made

 


It's almost horrifying to imagine that people were once drawn to Rent A Center by "awesome deals" like a 19-inch tv with Included VCR for "only" $14.99 a week for 91 weeks (total price: $1364.  For a 19-inch tv with a VCR.  And when you're done paying- you give it back.  You don't even OWN it.  And if THAT'S not scary enough, this commercial is from 1994, when $1364 was worth $2,382.)  

And when you aren't enjoying your ridiculous I Want It Right Now Impulse Rent television with VCR, you can do a load of laundry in the clothes washer you are renting for $8.99 a week for 78 weeks (total price:  $701, or $1224 in today's money.)  At least you can sort of justify the washer (though seriously, I think you would have been better off with a weekly trip to the laundromat.)  Most of the crap shown in this ad are not necessities.  We see game systems, stereos, recliners....I mean, what the hell, people?  Faced with three choices- Save Up, Do Without, or Empty Your Wallet into a Bottomless Pit, that Bottomless Pit sure was popular back in the 90s, wasn't it?

Well, here we are in 2021, and there are two Rent A Centers within easy walking distance of my apartment- and also several pawn shops and dollar stores.  The poor we always have with us- and there are more of them than ever.  And it's at least as expensive to be poor nowadays as it was back in 1994.  It's not getting any better out there...

Saturday, February 6, 2021

Does the tour at least end with drinks in the Green Room?

 


Or "This is Where the Magic Happens, using the word Magic very, very loosely." 

1. If you're pumped about being given a tour of a freaking stock brokerage, your life is over and you ought to just start preparing for the funeral.  Come to think of it, a tour of a mortuary must be at least one hundred percent more interesting. 

2.  If you find yourself calling the people who "helped roll over your 401(k)" and who "helped set up your account" (is that what she said?  I don't care what she said.  I'm not watching this again) by their first names, you desperately need to go out and make some friends, because it's clear that no one is going to show up at your funeral. 

3.  When they get to the end of the hallway, is Mr. Mousse going to show her the bathroom or the breakroom?  Because seriously, except for the fictional place mentioned in the title of this post, what else is there to a brokerage besides people looking at computer screens and taking phone calls?  I imagine that this woman is a High School teacher who is about to be divested of the notion that TD Ameritrade might be a cool place to bring her kids on a field trip.  It's a freaking brokerage, lady.  It's not even the floor of the NYSE.  I mean, THAT might be a cool place to hang out for an hour or so, if you're so fascinated with numbers.  What did you think you were going to get out of this "tour," anyway?

Friday, February 5, 2021

TD Ameritrade Commercial Presents: What the one percent does while the rest of us are actually working

 


1.  The jackass customer here is not told anything in this ad that he couldn't have learned by going to TD Ameritrade.com or making a quick phone call.  But because he- and his broker- have all the freaking time in the world, he's going to talk over his need for a customizable online trading platform while casually sitting around a TD Ameritrade office in the middle of the day because no way does that broker have any other clients he could be taking calls from.  Jesus, this guy makes Jake from State Farm look like a human dynamo.  

2.  Wonder if there really is a "green room?"  Well, don't worry.  Even if there is, you aren't getting into it.  Talking to a broker from across a desk for ten minutes to be shoveled into a standard set of investment funds is good enough for you, me and pretty much everyone else who isn't pulling down at least six figures a year and wants to pretend they know how to manage their own money.  You aren't sitting on a couch having a casual, slow-paced conversation with Mr. Mousse about how you'd like to be able to control your own trades, because you don't know how that's done, have other things to think about (like the monthly bills, and Life) and would just like to try to save a little bit to supplement Social Security and wouldn't try to do it on your own any more than you'd try to give yourself gallstone surgery...

3.  Um...there's more than one chair in that room, guys.  Why the hell are you sitting so close together?  Am I the only person who finds this more than a little weird?


Wednesday, February 3, 2021

Weathertech: Stupid stuff for Stupid people!

 


The people in this ad can afford a sprawling suburban McMansion in which every member of their family owns their own cell phone....but they can't afford more than one garbage-piece-of-plastic Weathertech phone holder?  Yeah, right. 

That last guy already has a laptop open.  What the hell does he need his phone for? To carry on a conversation while doing work on his laptop?  Why does he need for it to be at eye-level?  Is he working on that laptop or talking on the phone?  Jesus, buddy!  Bur at least he isn't endangering anybody, unlike...



Um, wasn't this conversation over?  What's with the "sorry, I dropped you?"  Shouldn't he just hang up now?  

And yeah, the stupid phone-holder junk might prevent Horrible Disasters like not being able to find your phone while you are operating a piece of heavy machinery.  Know what else would be a horrible disaster?  If you crashed into someone while looking for or talking into or otherwise being distracted by that phone.  How about you just let the phone stay where it is and you keep your mind on the road until you get that thing safely parked again?  Too much to ask?  Am I kidding myself?  Of course it is!

Monday, February 1, 2021

If I were the woman in this Cologuard Commercial, I'd walk faster

 


You're CLEARLY someone who takes care of yourself!  I mean, most people just BUY running shoes, but not you! You're in the one percent of the population which not only OWNS running shoes, but actually uses them to run!  You rock!

And now, the bad news.  You have very serious medical issues.  For one thing, you see giant marshmallows in the park.  For another thing, you think you can interact with the giant marshmallows.  And worst of all (for now,) you think the giant marshmallows are giving you medical advice.  I know health insurance is expensive, but substituting a jogging marshmallow only you can see for a trained professional is not the way to save money....

Please, seek help.  You need it more than you think you do.  There are actual medications that can help make the talking, jogging giant marshmallows go away, but they aren't going to be recommended by the giant marshmallows.  Go see a real doctor, before the giant marshmallow you think is running your life tells you to start ending the lives of others.  

Sunday, January 31, 2021

Fidelity "One Day" you'll make a really, really stupid decision for really, really stupid reasons

 


The woman in this ad is feeling immense guilt every morning because she has to leave a loved one behind as she goes off to work to make a living.  Because it's 2021, the loved one she's leaving behind is a dog (if this ad was set in the 1980s, she'd be shown dropping a kid off at daycare with a sad "sorry" because she'd be burying us with Working Mommy Guilt.  We don't do that anymore.  We leave that to the MLM huns on Facebook who want us to sell doTerra, Young Living, LuLaRoe or any of the other 2000 pyramid scheme work-from-home-and-stop-abandoning-your-child-to-strangers BS crap out there.)

This woman is miserable because she has a crappy job which appears to us to be crappy only because she's lousy at it and because she doesn't like her coworkers (or, just one coworker who manages to do his job while having fun, the scum) and is thinking about her stupid dog all day instead of doing that job.  Plus, her stupid job has a stupid coffee machine which messes up her clothes, and it also makes her get up early every morning the poor baby.  Did I mention that it also requires her to leave her Suburban Mansion and her precious freaking dog behind?

So she decides that it's time to quit and start own business.  In the 1980s, she'd be running a daycare center out of her home.  Because it's 2021, she's going to be converting her house into a pet grooming center, and f--k you neighbors who thought there were zoning laws, get ready to see a lot of traffic and a lot fewer parking spaces on your street because the lazy idiot woman who obsesses over her dog got sick of actually working and decided she could replace the $75,000 per year career which allowed her to finance that house with an in-home pet-grooming "business" which, if she's really, really fortunate, might bring in one-third that amount.  Sure she'll be in constant danger of not making her mortgage, but hey at least she gets to sleep in and be with her dog. 

So this woman makes the great decision to trade in what was obviously a good-paying job for a stay-at-home business because....she wants more time with her dog, and she couldn't bring herself to use noise-cancelling headphones so she wouldn't be distracted by that one jerk at work.  Oh, and because she couldn't bring a thermos of coffee to the office with her or go out for Starbucks like every one of her Awful Coworkers did.  Good news and bad news, Stupid Woman:  the good news is that yes, you get to spend more time with that dog for however many years it has left (hint: you're going to bury it, not the other way around, and you'll still have that small business loan and mortgage to pay after the main reason you made this stupid financial decision is gone.)  Bad news:  if you are successful, all the traffic and parking and barking will make you the absolute pariah of the neighborhood, and if you aren't successful, well, as long as you are home, I have a great Opportunity Available This Week Only DM Me For More Information You Would Totally Kill At This Biz Hon!

Saturday, January 30, 2021

Bionic Spotlights Presents: The Overselling of Solar Power!

 


I just adore these Only Available on TV Junk ads.....

This one is for the Bionic Spotlight Solar Light thingee, which magically breaks all the laws of physics by absorbing enough solar power over the course of the day to provide a brilliant spotlight for thirty minutes when activated at night.  Anyone who has ever put out solar-powered lights knows that these things have the illuminating effect of a dim nightlight when they are at their peak effectiveness.  They aren't going to replace actual security lights which (sorry, lady in the opening scene) do cost money to install and do use actual electricity that you have to pay for.

Knowing this, I'm left to just chuckle at the idea that the sudden activation of a dim nightlight is going to frighten away raccoons, kids wearing hoodies, and other dangerous pests you want to keep away from your precious suburban McMansion (what is the deal with that kid wearing the white hoodie and shorts and carrying a backpack?  Is he supposed to look like a threat?  He looks like he's trying to find the right address, which makes his startled dashing away from a nightlight all that more hysterical.  And check out the guy using the Magic Solar Light to illuminate his barbecue- yeah, that's going to work.  

Come on, people.  Solar lights with five inches of paneling are not bad for marking walkways or outside steps.  They aren't going to replace actual security lights because they simply can't absorb and store all that much solar power over the course of the sunniest day.  Because, as I pointed out earlier, PHYSICS.  Want a security light?  Get ready to spend some money.  Or skip the security light and buy a gun to deal with raccoons, mice, and hoodie-wearing kids who dare to broach the boundaries of your precious estate,  you weird knobs. 

Friday, January 29, 2021

Get with the program or get left behind, kid!

 


The dad in this commercial might be thinking "I should make sure my kids are keeping up," but he's way too busy checking the status of his stock portfolio on his phone for the 800th time today.  And TrophyWife isn't any more concerned that they might be walking a bit too fast for the kids she produced- she needs to stay close to her Meal Ticket and make sure his eye isn't wandering away from that phone.

The kids?  Well, the sooner they learn the harsh reality of this dog-eat-dog life, the better.  It's kill or be killed, people.  Everybody has to pull their own weight- especially that little boy.  The odds that HE can grow up to be a TrophyWife are considerably longer than those of his sisters, after all.  

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

CopperFit Gloves. Because we touch stuff, and they are gloves.

 


"Puts a layer between your skin and surfaces..."  Um, yeah.  Because they are gloves.  Oh, excuse me:  "Hand Protectors."  

But these aren't just any old (gloves) that do what gloves do (put a layer between your skin and surfaces.) THESE gloves contain COPPER, which we all know (the way we know everything: from TV) has magical properties that fix arthritis pain.  And since the connection between arthritis pain and easily-transmittable surface-contact illnesses is also well-documented (somewhere, don't have time to look it up right now) the utility of these CopperFit Gloves is pretty obvious, don't you think?

What?  This is just another stupid Buy It Because You're a Medieval-Minded Idiot who thinks Copper is Magic tv ad?  Heresy!  Just buy it!  In fact, do what one guy in the YouTube comments did- buy TWO pairs, "just to be safe."  Safe from what?  Shut up, that's why!  Like I said, just BUY IT!

I do not, however, suggest that you follow the throwaway advice from another YouTube commentator and warm them in your microwave- unless you want to test if these things really do contain actual copper.  Because if they do contain Magic, Illness-Eradicating Copper- or any other metal- I don't think your microwave is going to react very well to them.  I wonder if the idiot who posted that is just being a malicious troll?

Sunday, January 24, 2021

These ridiculous Dinovite Commercials.

 


Know how I avoid all this hassle?  By not having one of these things in my house to begin with...

Meanwhile, listening to all the disgusting, noisy, smelly crap dog owners have to put up with unless they are willing to shell out tons of money on "special" food like Dinovite and grooming products- and then listening to the excitement in their voice as they describe how living with a still-disgusting, still-noisy but slightly less smelly dog is a tiny bit more bearable now that they've shelled out that money does nothing but cement my determination never to burden myself with a dog, a cat, or any other mammal that won't eventually learn how to buy it's own food and take care of itself.  Even then- cripes, they'd still be taking up room I could be using. 

Back to that excitement that goes along with spelling out DINOVITE- good lord, what is the matter with you people.  I will never understand.   To each his own...but since I like to provide an actual public service from time to time, here is some information about Dinovite you won't find in their obnoxious commercials:

https://www.ripoffreport.com/reports/specific_search/Dinovite



Saturday, January 23, 2021

Quilp.com- another ridiculous Auto-Refill Offer you'd be far better off Refusing

 


Someday, someone will have to explain to me how auto-refill for things easily obtained at any local drug or grocery store became so popular.  Are people really so busy that keeping up with the purchase of toothbrushes, toothpaste, razor blades etc. is a major hassle?  Or do ads like this just con people into believing that something they THOUGHT was easy actually IS a major hassle that they've always suffered in silence but now don't have to Because Check Out This Super-Convenient (and absolutely, once you read between the lines, Super Expensive) auto-ship option??

I have coffee, cat food (small bags, not those obnoxious, delivery-man-back-breaking 50lb-ers from Chewy) and cat treats sent to my mother in rural Vermont every month because there are times when it's hard for her to get out, especially this time of year (it's snowing like crazy as I type this.)  I don't have anything auto-shipped to me, because I walk past grocery stores pretty much every single day.  I seriously never realized that I was draining my life away buying razors, blades, toothbrushes, toothpaste etc. but according to this Quilp.com ad the chance to get floss auto-shipped on a regular basis would be a real lifesaver.  Three things are far more likely for anyone who signs up with Quilp, Harry's razors, or any other Give Us Your Credit Card Number and We'll Take Care of the Rest auto-ship companies:

1.  You find yourself stockpiling the junk as soon as it arrives, because you haven't even started using the stuff that came LAST time yet, and/or

2.  You find yourself eventually noticing that "convenience" nowhere near makes up for the ridiculous shipping charges, and/or

3.  You spend more time negotiating the Cancel Auto-Ship labyrinth than you ever did just walking into your local CVS and picking up what you needed on your way home from work.   

The first step to avoiding this nonsense is getting over the idea that you are so busy and your life is sooo full with work and other responsibilities that there's no way you'll ever manage to get yourself to a drug store like the Less Important People with leisure time do.  Maybe take a moment of reflection in between episodes of whatever your currently binge-watching on Netflix to notice you aren't QUITE as overwhelmed with Other Things as you thought you were and maybe it really IS possible for you to get your sorry, lazy self to the freaking store and buy toothpaste once a month or so??

Friday, January 22, 2021

Geico has fun with Racist Tropes. Whoomp, there it is again.

 


Somebody much smarter than I am will have to explain to me how this kind of Jim Crow/Stepin Fetchit Minstrel show caricature is at all helpful to anyone, including anyone interested in purchasing insurance. 

I mean, I can easily imagine rednecks thoroughly enjoying commercials like this, nodding appreciatively at the "accurate" depiction of black people as grinning, dancing idiots who jump at every opportunity to perform for the overwhelmingly white audience.  So I guess I kind of answered my own question- it's helpful in reinforcing stereotypes?  

I guess it's also helpful to Tag Team, which picks up what I'm sure is a welcome paycheck and a reminder that they existed on the radio (and everywhere else) with that One Song Using the term Song Very Very Loosely back in 1993.  Hey, thirty years is a long time to go without a number anyone cares to listen to, let alone one that inexplicably became a hit because headaches were really popular in the first year of the Clinton Administration. 

But if I'm a black person in the United States, I find this all to be very, very UNhelpful in multiple ways. Do I have to keep explaining why?

Thursday, January 21, 2021

Yeah, Hartford Group: This is definitely the guy I'm taking investment advice from.

 


1.  "Did you know that the government has printed six trillion dollars in paper money?  That's an excellent reason to take some of YOUR paper money and use it to buy physical gold and silver, which in hard times you can trade in for some of that paper money you originally used to buy gold and silver, because at no point in the future will vendors ever refuse to take paper money in exchange for goods, but it's kind of hard to imagine a time when you'll get to dictate how many gold ingots you'll be parting with in exchange for a gallon of gasoline and a loaf of bread."

2.  "It's super-important that you have precious metals as part of your portfolio, because unlike other investments, they provide no actual benefit to companies which hire employees,  purchase technology, or, come to think of it, do anything to make the world a better place.  It's basically as socially beneficial as burying your money in a coffee can.  Remarkably similar growth potential, too!"

3.  "Gold and Silver are wonderfully difficult to trace methods of paying off those pesky sexual harassment lawsuits, mistresses, and other annoyances you can't conveniently eliminate through the use of hired assassins once your cushy FOX gig is threatened.  What?  This isn't a common problem?  FINE!  F--K IT THEN!  WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!"


Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Another "People better than you use Macs" commercial

 


Warms the heart, it does.

Seriously, I don't know why the narrator doesn't just say "here's a bunch of artsy still shots of people you know- and who have money coming out of their ears- and the Apple Laptops they can afford because they have money coming out of their ears.  And oh, we're also going to include a smiling, gap-toothed kid and maybe a muppet or two- you know, to make this even remotely relatable to 99 percent of the viewing audience."

All presented in glorious black and white, of course- because these have to be super-artsy and when you have absolutely zero ideas, black and white photos is how you present yourself as super-artsy. 

I AM pretty sure I know why comments are turned off for this particular video.  I don't think my take on these "rich people are better than you because they use these toys that you can't afford, losers" commercials is particularly unique.  Not that Apple gives a damn what us non-geniuses with out One Size Fits All Inferior Dell setups think.  We are NOT the audience for the insufferable entitlement being celebrated in these steaming piles of self-congratulation posing as what I THINK are MacBook Pro ads. 

Sunday, January 17, 2021

The New York Lottery, Multiplying the Dumb

 


"What are you doing, honey?"

"I'm on the verge of inventing a machine that can multiply any piece of matter.  Think of the problems it could solve- world hunger, poverty..."

"Why don't you just play this stupid scratch-off game I wasted our hard-earned money on instead of working on that potentially world-altering invention?"

"Thanks for reminding me that I married down." 

Saturday, January 16, 2021

Timeshare Exit Team: Stupid non-solution for stupid people.

 


This is all supposed to be very cute; Old woman sees the mailman coming.  Old woman somehow knows that the mailman is bringing a bill for her timeshare maintenance fees.  Mailman is absolutely determined to deliver the timeshare maintenance fee bill like it's a court summons.  Old woman is so desperate to avoid these fees, she pulls up her mailbox and runs away with it.  Mailman who understands that this is not how anything works just drops the bill into the hole left behind.  

There's an actual solution to the old woman's problem, but this isn't it.  The real punchline is not "hire the Timeshare Exit Team" either, unless you want two bills related to the Dumbest Purchase You Ever Made instead of one.

There's a radio ad for this company on Sirius XM which is even funnier- we hear the recipient of the bill sigh, tear up the bill, and announce "I'm out."  What makes it hysterical is that the exasperated radio guy's solution to his problem is no more realistic than this woman's.  You can't avoid your timeshare maintenance fees by just tearing up the bill any more than you can by moving your mailbox.  And judging from the comments I've read on Ripoffreport.com, you really can't avoid them by contacting the "Timeshare Exit Team," either.  

"I'm out."  Oh really?  That easy, huh?  Sorry, buddy.  You're still in.  Because you signed a contract.  

Here are some actual solutions to your timeshare problem, which if they sound familiar are very similar to the solutions to your credit card debt problem:

1.  Pay someone to "buy" what you thought was a "great opportunity" during a moment of extreme Stupidity which is totally incomprehensible to me.  

2.  Add your timeshare to the hundreds already being offered on Ebay for free.  Who knows, you might get lucky and get found by someone as stupid as you are.

I'll just close with this:  It's 2021.  The internet is a Thing.  It's in its fourth decade of general usefulness, available to provide instant access to answers to questions like "are time shares worth it?" or "do only morons buy timeshares?"  If you've purchased a timeshare at any time in the 21st century, it's really, really hard for me to have any sympathy for you.  It's really right up there with buying miracle water from Peter Popoff.  There's not much of a solution to the problem of people who simply won't do even the tiniest amount of research before signing a contract. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Verizon's family of unique cell phone addicts

 


Isn't it just adorable how this family of cell phone addicts think that they are each "unique" because as individuals they are wasting their lives on their phones in different ways?  I mean, they are "different in unique ways," or "unique in different ways," or whatever that first moron says.  I'm not watching this again. 

For one, her phone is "her office."  Um, that's nice- but you know, only a generation ago an office was a place you worked in for forty or so hours a week, and then left to...well, to live the other parts of your life.  Now you're waving your "office" around in your hand and basically bragging that you are never, ever out of work.  Excuse me for not being impressed or seeing this as something to celebrate, let alone emulate. 

Another one is "the gamer."  Uh huh.  If that "gamer" takes his "gaming" as seriously as that other woman takes her office work,  I wouldn't feel great about giving him a phone to "game" on.  At least she's earning money with her nonstop work.  What the hell is all that "gaming" accomplishing other than stealing time away from reading, social interactions with friends, etc.?

"Only pay for what you need."  Huh.  Sounds like they all need everything, though.  So they are going to be paying for....everything.  And what exactly does that word "need" mean these days?  

And Daddy says the plan is so reasonable, "they can stay on it for the rest of their lives."  First, that's kind of creepy- Dad clearly expects to outlive these kids, otherwise wouldn't he say "for the rest of MY life?"  Second, maybe the cost of the plan is reasonable- but is the PLAN reasonable?  Is this endless love affair with a freaking phone reasonable?  Is this "I am never off my phone" attitude reasonable?  I mean, what the actual hell, Verizon?

Sunday, January 10, 2021

Well, if it cures you of your gambling addiction, maybe Fanduel makes it worth it...

 


All this stupid hairy creep wanted to do was blow a part of his paycheck betting on football with Fanduel, and this is what he gets?

James Harrison can't collect his salary for being in this stupid commercial unless he commits trespassing, property destruction, and assault?

Why doesn't this commercial end with sirens and at least three cop cars pulling up and gang-tackling and tazering this lunatic?

Oh wait- I get it now.  James Harrison is just collecting for the Loan Shark this guy is deep into because of aforementioned gambling addiction.

Saturday, January 9, 2021

The Banal Conceit of Local Morning News

 


I have a question for local news hosts; not just the ones in the Washington DC area but everywhere in the United States:

When are you clowns going to figure out that the only thing people with actual jobs want from local morning news is Weather, Traffic and Headlines?  We aren't looking for goofy, giggling or (groan) SINGING wannabee comedians at 6 AM as we shake off our weariness and get ready to go earn our livings.  We don't care if you like each other.  We don't care how many kids you have or what your hobbies are.  And we sure as hell don't want to get to know you over the airwaves.

Weather, Traffic, Headlines.  This isn't complicated.  All the rest of this is just noisy, showy crap.  We're really sorry you haven't Gone National.  We're sorry you aren't as Big as you think you deserve to be.  And by "we," I mean "maybe other people," because seriously, I don't even give that much of a damn.  The only reason I even know about you is because I don't have cable in my home office so I have to put up with these stupid, self-indulgent Valentines to yourselves. 

So don't joke.  Don't sing.  Don't tweak each other and if you never dance or hug or do anything but give me information that might make my morning a little easier, that would be just great.  

Weather.  Traffic.  Headlines.  Lather, Rinse, Repeat.  Otherwise, STFU and stop trying to get me to give a flying damn.  Make some real friends (not those coworkers) or get therapy or something.  Because this is just so sad. 

Friday, January 8, 2021

How Subaru thinks "Cool Grandmas" act

 



Shown:  Grandma wants two milkshakes, not one.

Not shown:  This Subaru makes four extra stops during the 2-hour trip back to Grandma's house which to the granddaughter feels like two days.

Shown:  Grandma makes a dangerous spectacle of herself by running up to a total stranger who happened to glance at her granddaughter to get his phone number (and, I'm just going to guess because Grandma is a moron, give her granddaughter's number to the guy.)

Shown:  Granddaughter chuckles, rolls her eyes, and gives the total stranger a little wave.

Not Shown:  Granddaughter makes a mental note to change her phone number and to have a long talk with Grandma about mutual respect, boundaries, etc.  And about how this isn't the freaking 19th century or a 1950s sitcom.*

Shown:  Granddaughter drops Grandma off at Grandma's house.

Not Shown:  Granddaughter makes a mental note to never, ever spend time with Grandma outside of Grandma's own home ever again.

*how freaking old is Grandma, anyway?  Seventy?  That would mean she was born in 1950 and became an adult in the late 60s-early 70s.  How does her "let me run and get the phone number of a cute total stranger at a gas stop for my single granddaughter" gel with the times she came of age in?  

Thursday, January 7, 2021

Insipid Ads, Indeed

 


These Indeed commercials run on XM Radio all day, every day, on every news channel, and every time I hear that guy respond "Indeed you do," I want to reach into the radio and punch his face.  Seriously, he's got the most punchable voice on radio.

And it's not even the most cringe-worthy part of the radio ads.  That comes when The Awful Voice says "finding the best candidates for your job is like, well....it's like finding a needle in a haystack."  Yeah, I'm not kidding.  That's the metaphor they use.  Which leaves me wondering:  did Indeed use their own service to find someone to write this ad?  Because wow- if they did....they just gave us the best reason imaginable to use another headhunter service.  ANY other headhunter service.  Except maybe the one that hired the guy who came up with "Indeed you do."  

Monday, January 4, 2021

Amazon, Zoom, and a family "coping" with Privilege

 


The people in this ad have (at least) two large laptop PCs, an HD large-screen tablet, and a Peloton Bike, all taking up space in an enormous suburban home with a huge fireplace, spacious back yard, playing with still more expensive toys in that back yard while waiting for their dinner to be delivered to their doorstep. 

Yeah, I don't give one flying damn about these people.

Sunday, January 3, 2021

State Farm, Jake, Pat Mahomes....it's just another weekend of football commercials

 


It didn't even occur to these Pat Mahomes toadies to just ask Jake from State FarmTM if they could get a Totally Awesome Deal from State Farm without getting Pat Mahomes hair styles.   Hell, it didn't even occur to them how totally creepy and weird it was to assume that the reason Pat Mahomes was getting that Totally Awesome Deal was because he looked like Pat Mahomes.  Maybe they were too busy being Not At All Creeped Out by the fact that they never see Pat Mahomes anywhere without Jake from State FarmTM hanging around with him?

It also didn't occur to State Farm that this ad has exactly ten seconds of actual content (such as it is) followed by grins, shrugs, rolled eyes, and awkward "seriously, that's all there is to this" filler.  Maybe because there seems to be a population of witless drooling idiots who enjoy these insultingly stupid commercials because Hey Look It's Pat Mahomes (again.)  And Hey Look it's Jake From State FarmTM having absolutely nothing to do with himself except hang out with Pat Mahomes Because Reasons (Aaron Rodgers filed a restraining order, perhaps?)

Saturday, January 2, 2021

Toyota's "Mailbox" commercial gives me a headache

 


So as near as I can figure, the little girl in this ad is making one ornament after another and then having her mother drive her to the family mailbox- which apparently is several miles away, WTF?- so she can have it delivered to her father who is stationed overseas.  So far, so good- except, again, what is the deal with these people living so far away from their mailbox that it's a significant drive to send and pick up mail?

The mom asks the little girl "one more?" and the little girl nods the affirmative.  Good thing too, because as it turns out, Daddy has come home (sort of) and has decorated the tree next to the mailbox with his daughter's homemade Christmas ornaments.  And was just....ummm....waiting behind a tree, hopefully inside his own Toyota because it looks kind of cold out, for his daughter and wife to show up and...umm....

Ok, I know I'm repeating myself, but What. The Actual. Hell.  How long has this guy been hanging around the mailbox decorating that tree?  How did he even manage to put ornaments up that high- is there a ladder folded up in the back of that Toyota?  What would have happened if Daughter had decided that she was all done sending Daddy ornaments?  Would mommy have just called Daddy on the cell phone to tell him that the whole "meet by the mailbox Christmas tree" bit wasn't going to work and he could just finish driving home now?  How much elaborate planning did you people put into this?  Has Daddy been "home" for days, but you avoided having him come home and cheering his daughter up because her sadness over Daddy's absence was just way to cute to spoil until the last minute?  WHAT IS ALL THIS, TOYOTA???