Sunday, September 19, 2021

This ridiculous Chevrolet "Flex" Commercial is a damning commentary on Suburban Life

 


So I guess that if you're a white guy in America who lives in a $3 million dollar suburban McMansion, the way you "flex" is...to show off the tailgate on your ridiculous Totally Pointless for the Suburbs Prestige Purchase, otherwise known as your Chevy Truck.

And if you're a black guy in America, you humor your white male neighbor by letting him spend ten minutes gushing about his tailgate like a 12-year old who just got his first dirt bike.*

And if you are the neighbors of this white guy, you hate being reminded how incredibly shallow your suburban life is, but also enjoy mocking your neighbor for "flexing" about his freaking tailgate when he ought to be "flexing" about something that really matters- like the new riding mower you just got to trim the grass on your postage stamp-sized lawn, or your new $2500 grill you got because you heard the guys at the office mention that it was the model that came with 140 features, 139 of which you will never, ever actually use but WILL enjoy showing off when you can get the three people in the neighborhood who can bear your company to come over for a barbecue next summer.  

And getting back to that white guy- sooner or later, he'll realize what a total black hole his life has become (having been reduced to bragging - I'm done with the whole "flexing" thing- about how his new truck comes with this expandable tailgate which made it totally worth the extra five grand he paid for a truck he absolutely doesn't need) and just blow his brains out, hopefully with a classic rare Lugar that shows good for the neighbors. 

*oh, and you both wear oversized, untucked shirts to disguise the fact that neither of you has seen the inside of a gym in ten years and couldn't actually flex anything worth flexing if your life depended on it. 

Saturday, September 18, 2021

It will never be Miller (County Arkansas) Time!

 


So this is what people in Miller County, Arkansas are doing instead of getting a COVID vaccine:  claiming to be experiencing Bigfoot Sightings?

As of this posting, only 12% of the population of Miller County, Arkansas- which gave 72% of it's vote to Donald Trump in the last Presidential Election- has taken one of the three readily Available at Your Local Pharmacy You Dumbass Crackers, Fully FDA Approved Vaccines.  Only 26% of citizens over the age of 65 have taken the vaccine.  Only 15% of adults over the age of 18 have received even a single shot.  

On the other hand, I'm guessing that at least 75% of the good people of Miller County, Arkansas are well aware that Freedom isn't Free, always Support the Troops,  and Remember 9/11 (though if they remember 01/06/21, it's almost certainly as That Day Freedom-Loving Patriots tried to Stop the Steal by Exercising Their Right of Protest, unless it's That Day Antifa Dressed Up Like Freedom-Loving Patriots to Frame Freedom-Loving Patriots.)  

And based on this video, I'm also guessing that at least the same proportion of the brain-dead knuckle-dragging zombies of Miller County, Arkansas believe that Bigfoot roams the forests of Miller County, Arkansas, Saddam Hussein attacked the US on 9/11, Hillary Clinton eats babies and Donald Trump is the second coming of Jesus.  Oh, and that masks are the Mark of the Beast and that the vaccines that Our Savior Donald Trump gave us are tainted with homing devices which also cause Autism because Biden keeps pushing them.  

So keep on keepin' on, inbred clueless hicks of Miller County, Arkansas.  Congratulations for bravely making up the Vanguard of Stupid.  And good luck in your continued pursuit of Bigfoot and dogged avoidance of Sense. 

Thursday, September 16, 2021

NFL kickoff "we run as one" ad, the only way to experience it.

 


That is, with the volume completely Muted.

I'm serious.  I've never watched this with the sound on, and I'm sure I'm missing absolutely nothing.  Muted, all we get is a crowd of angry-for-no-reason, confident-in-their-ability-to-pose-and-look-confident-for-no-reason jagoffs shouting at the camera, shouting at each other, and then (as noted) simply standing at us with folded arms as if daring us to unmute the volume.

Don't know what I'm supposed to get out of this (other than a blog post,) nor do I care.  It's hysterical with the sound off.  I'm assuming that it's completely obnoxious with the sound on.  I'll avoid that for as long as I can, thanks anyway.   Heck, even the NFL doesn't want this video shared on sites other than YouTube, and I can't say as I blame them...

I understand Carrie Underwood is unveiling a brand new Sunday Night Football song tonight (writing this on Sunday afternoon, sorry.)  Another reason to have the remote at the ready. 


Sunday, September 12, 2021

When in doubt, return to Fansville

 


The only thing sadder than the idea that any of the characters in the continuing story of two college students who got married and spent the next twenty years living in a state of arrested development, refusing to let go of what they imagine to be their Glory Days, is the fact that so many YouTube commentators seem to actually enjoy this garbage.  So much so that more than one loser has actually knitted every "Fansville" commercial into one video "season" to "share" with the not-quite-as-big losers who after all might watch the "season" but didn't spend hours putting it together.  No, I have no intention of using that for this blog, because that would require watching it, and no, I am not going to be watching it. 

Anyway, if you've seen one of these commercials, you've seen them all (which, again, makes the whole idea of watching an entire "season" about as pointless as watching more than one episode of Gilligan's Island or The Love Boat.)  Sad, college-obsessed parents pressure their kid to go to Generic State University like they did and to drink Dr. Pepper like they did and they do.  This one non-joke carries the entire "show," season after season, and the mouth-breathers who love this just keep asking for more, I'm guessing because most of the fans have never been to college and imagine that college is mostly about football and parties (I doubt that even they think it's about drinking Dr. Pepper, though.  I'll give them that much.) 

Saturday, September 11, 2021

What Dr Pepper's "Fansville" commercials remind me of

 


Oh look, it's college football season again which means that Dr. Pepper- you know, that company that produces a kinda/sorta popular cola drink for people who would consume cough medicine if it were ice cold and wouldn't poison them in large doses- is ready to inflict upon the world another season of Fansville, that "show" that celebrates stupid, juvenile obsession with Good Old Generic State University where Mommy and Daddy presumably met and never really left. 

For some reason, Mommy and Daddy bonded not only over football games at GSU but also their love of Dr. Pepper, which probably made them outcasts with all the popular groups at college which were made up of young adults and not children.  Hoping that their offspring will carry on the tradition of being a bullied and mocked pariah strangled by the apron strings of Mommy and Daddy, they send him on his way with a 12-pack of Doctor Pepper.  Arriving at his dorm with that under his arm will absolutely guarantee at least a Freshman term with absolutely no friends.  I guess getting LOSER tattooed on his forehead wasn't in the family budget, so this will have to do. 

Oh right, I almost forgot to mention what these "Fansville" commercials remind me of:  A sitcom based on a single, lame premise that mysteriously keeps getting renewed, season after season, because it's fan base, while tiny, is also fanatically dedicated.  Lots of people seem to like these commercials- far more than actually drink Doctor Pepper.  So let's strap in and settle down for another season of lunatic parents who never really graduated from college painting their faces and trying hard to pass their sad inability to Let it Go on to their unfortunate kids.  Because people who like to pretend that they ever had glory days, and especially people who think that the glory days never ended, are Funny. 

Friday, September 10, 2021

Answering the "Life's Full of Hidden Problems" Snickers Brownie Commercial Conundrum

 


This sixteen seconds of absolutely nothing seems to be a real hit with the YouTube mouth-breathers who are either responding to a longer version of the ad which explains what the hell we are watching, or are just being their usual "I laugh at pretty much everything and like to go on YouTube and let people know it" selves. 

I'm going to assume that it's the former.  Something else used to happen in this ad, stretching it out to maybe 30 seconds, but it was cut and we are left with a commercial with a giant hole in it- a commercial that has absolutely nothing to do with anything, and certainly nothing to do with sticking a brownie in the middle of a Snickers bar.  So I'm going to take a few educated guesses as to what this woman used to say between "Nothing" and her partner walking off:

"I was just thinking, why can't Mars, Incorporated do more to promote the obesity epidemic?  You know, like maybe find a way to add more empty calories to an already well-established property like Snickers?"

or

"Why do you think something's wrong?  I'm just sitting here on the couch looking outside.  Are you guilty of something?"

or

"What are we, a single-race, heterosexual couple, doing in a tv commercial?  What is this, 2015?"

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

What you'd really hear if AT&T employees were honest

 


(No, I'm not even going to address the Foam Fingers thing- just another sign that AT&T ran out of ideas for these ubiquitous Lilly ads several years ago.  Nor am I going to address the "one customer in the entire store" or "one customer in the entire store, not wearing a mask" thing.  Because I don't care.)

Clueless Employee working on fifteen minutes of training:  "It come with 5G."

Customer:  "Um, what's that?"

Employee:  "Um....I don't know.  I'm just supposed to say that, because through a blitz of non-stop advertising over the course of two years, '5G' has become synonymous with 'good' among the phone-addicted addled zombies who find themselves wandering into AT&T stores every few months Just Because."

Customer:  "Ok.  Is it secure?"

Employee:  "Um...sure, why not."

Customer:  "Look, is it by any measure better than 4G?" 

Employee:  "Yes, because five is a higher number than four.  Look at this phone- it's exactly like the one you have now, except shinier.  Which means it's newer.  Which means it's better.  Sign here."

Customer:  "Ok." 

Sunday, September 5, 2021

The Dark Reality Ignored by Indeed Commercials

 


Unless you are willing to live on government subsidies (aka welfare,) pandemic-related stimulus, or any money you can squeeze out of your friends and family Because They Have Money and You Don't and It's Not Fair, having a job isn't a Happy Bonus, it's an absolute necessity.  The people in these ads aren't filled with joy at the thought of having to get out of bed (why are half the people in this ugly commercial looking for jobs while laying on their backs?) and going to a job as the sun rises.  They are relieved that they get to Survive.  Because in our current economic system, you don't get to survive (you don't get money for food, clothing, shelter or health care) unless you can find someone to hire you (I will never intentionally use the term "give you a job," because nobody "gives" anyone a job- jobs are not candy bestowed by benevolent employers because they Care So Very Much.  Employees are Necessary Evils that Employers would love to eliminate and are always striving to do just that through tech.)  These people are not thinking "yay, now I have something to do with my day and don't have to just lie here in bed."  They are thinking "yay, now I get to eat and have shelter and see a doctor now and then because Capitalism." 

"And I get to tell my landlady that I can start paying rent again, though we'll both have a good laugh at the idea that I'm going to pay that back rent that built up over the last year of the moratorium.  Or at least, I will.  And I get to chirpily inform my family that for a while, at least, I won't be dunning them for money to support my sorry, kind-of-like-lying-in-bed ass." 

Saturday, September 4, 2021

ESPN College Gameday is back to make you nostalgic for pretty much anything else

 


Ah, now we know we're back to "Normal."  Once again, Saturdays are to be filled with hour after hour of bad music, screaming, military fly-overs (that we pay for,) and washed-up college football players* giggling, joking, and pretending to enjoy each other's company as they gush endlessly about the teams of non-students that multiple large Institutions of Higher Learning put together for the entertainment of the actual students and the viewing public to run around a large flat field for several hours reducing their lifespans by regularly colliding with each other at high speeds.  Occasionally ESPN promises to cut away to crowds of witless morons wearing their school colors jumping up and down and screaming because they saw the ESPN camera.  And because there are literally hundreds of schools engaged in this spectacle every Saturday between now and late November, the talking bobbleheads paid to talk up the 20-year old kids whose health will be in serious peril with every play never run out of material...and if they somehow manage to hit the wall in discussing which of these Fine Young Men is Very Possibly the Greatest of his Generation and Absolutely Bears Watching, well, there's always interviews with the inevitably pot-bellied, invariably White coaches who organize these bands of Fine Young Barely Not Teenagers to commit extreme violence against their still-maturing bodies because someone told them that if they worked at it hard enough they'd end up with $100 million-dollar NFL contracts before the age of 25. 

*and Lee Corso, who was a quarterback for a few years during the Eisenhower Administration and therefore a wealth of valuable information when it comes to assessing the potential of modern college football players one-fourth his age.  Corso's blathering, blithering, downright embarrassing schtick went to seed decades ago, but I guess as long as he's still breathing and able to give us that creepy grin ESPN is going to keep propping him up in a chair for several segments every Saturday during the NCAA football season.  I'd rather see painted fans screaming into the cameras, myself. 


Friday, September 3, 2021

A very brief take on this Harris-Teeter Holiday Commercial


What the hell is going on here?  What's with the twee music, the surgically-implanted smiles, and the obvious plastic-perfect food?  What's with the soft-blurred images- is this supposed to appeal to people with beating hearts and a shred of sentimentality?  Is that why I don't get it?

Mr. Google tells me that Harris Teeter is "the largest grocery store chain in the Southeastern United States," but cripes, it's like the Hallmark Channel started a food service.  I'm surprised this ad doesn't end with a girl from the Big City meeting up with her ex-High School Boyfriend back in the Old Small Town and realizing that there's more to life than sales meetings and marketing and Prestige and Money.  Especially during the Holidays, when that Old Small Town is a Very Special Place that reveals what Life is Really All About (diminished expectations and Settling.)  And then passing the rolls. 

Sunday, August 29, 2021

This Credit Repair Commercial, Line by Dishonest Line

 


From the "let's pretend we are asking random photogenic people on the street about (fill in the blank") collection...

Spokeschoad:  "What's a good credit score?"
"Random" person:  "Um...600?"
S:  "Maybe...if you want to pay thousands of dollars extra in interest."

In fact:  A credit score of 600 lands you solidly in the "Fair" category.  "Good" starts at 670.  Certainly "Fair" isn't "good," but it's not "Poor" either.  If you are a young person- as this "random passerby" seems to be, it's actually pretty typical.

Spokeschoad:  "Will paying your bills fix your credit?"
"Random" person:  "YES!"
S:  "So confident!  But No!"

In fact:  The reason why this passerby was "so confident" in believing that paying bills will fix credit may be because she knows that it's the No. 1 factor in determining credit score.  Paying each bill on time, every time- and paying delinquent bills- most definitely DOES improve one's credit score.*  So smarmy, grinning jackass spokeschoad is just being dishonest here.   He's telling this person- and US- that we can't improve our credit score by paying our debts.  This isn't twisting the truth.  It's denying it.  It's a lie. 

Spokeschoad:  "Is credit repair expensive?"
"Random" person:  "Isn't having bad credit expensive?"
S:  "MY MAN!"

In fact:  This is the closest Spokeschoad comes to being honest, and he does it with a Yeahbutwhatabout non-argument.  Credit repair isn't expensive - in fact, it's free.  Just avoid using Creditrepair.com or any other BS "pay us to do what you can do all by yourself" service.  The "Isn't having bad credit expensive" line is technically correct, but the implication that your choice is Bad Credit or engaging Creditrepair.com is most definitely not.  This commercial tells us that 1) we need a very high credit score to avoid getting ripped off, 2) we can't get a very high credit score even by being a good credit risk, and therefore 3) we need to hire this company.  Period.  End of story.

Well, almost.  End of story should include one of these random people being verbally mugged by this smarmy jackass giving that smarmy jackass a solid kick to the teeth.  Maybe that actually happened but was edited out along with all of the responses that sounded too much like "that's incorrect; if you pay your debts and keep your bills paid up, your credit will improve, nice try spokeschoad." 

*35% of one's credit score is based on payment history.  Another 30% is based on amount of credit used:

https://www.cnbc.com/select/average-credit-score-by-state/#:~:text=Here%20are%20the%20top%2010%20states%20with%20the,Hampshire%3A%20729%209%20Nebraska%3A%20728%2010%20Hawaii%3A%20727


Saturday, August 28, 2021

I've got a few more things to say about Greg from those Prevagen radio ads....

 


...because I'm really sick of the powerful suggestion running through all of these ads that Greg is someone to be looked up to, respected, maybe even admired.  He is absolutely nothing of the sort.

We are told that Greg is a "Substitute Teacher, Motivational Speaker, and Paid Testimonialist."  As far as I'm concerned, that means Greg is Unskilled Labor with a Hustle.  He's found a way to take his total lack of productivity and turn it into a steady paycheck.  He sits in other people's classrooms when actual professionals are absent, he somehow manages to convince people that he can "motivate" them to do things he doesn't do, and he endorses things for money.  And that's about it. 

But here's the part that really grates me about the radio version of this ad:  Greg introduces himself to the audience by explaining that his motivation is to "give back."  THAT'S why he's a substitute teacher and motivational speaker (and paid testimonialist?) Not for the money, but because he wants to "give back."  The world has been good to him, you see, so he's going to sacrifice his golden years by "giving back."  Isn't he something, ladies and gentlemen?   Yeah, no, Greg.  Take that halo off, it doesn't belong there. 

Look, Greg.  Everyone's got to earn a living.  You earn yours by providing no actual value, but as long as you can find someone to pay you, I'm not going to knock your hustle.  But don't tell us you're doing any of this because you feel the need to "give back."  You're a warm body (substitute teacher,) a traveling hypnotist (motivational speaker,) and spokeschoad (paid testimonialist.)  There's nothing special, let alone admirable, about you at all.  A hundred years ago, you'd be drifting town to town selling apple cider mixed with gasoline out of a cart under the label GREG'S MIRACLE MEMORY ELIXER.  And at least you'd be putting actual effort in to earn that paycheck.  Right now, you're just a sad joke we want off our radios and tvs because we're sick to death of your self-congratulatory, smarmy shtick.   Go away now and take your BS snake oil with you.

Friday, August 27, 2021

Carnation's "give them your best" commercial

 


"Kids can change minds....they can even change the world around them..." wow, kids sound really, really important.  We should take care of them.

So how does starting their day with a glass of chocolate milk and calling it "breakfast" equate to taking care of them, exactly?  Are we TRYING to make sure that they're hungry before they get to school?  Because there's a reason why this stuff is called "Essentials:" it's because it's got vitamins and minerals and absolutely nothing else (like fiber) which might keep them awake through third period or less than absolutely ravenous well before lunchtime.

And get that stupid, self-satisfied look off your face, MommyWife.  Investing all of fifteen seconds stirring up two glasses of this crap just screams "half-assed effort," not "I love my children and they are the future of the planet etc. etc. etc."  If you believed that, you'd at least whip up some toast and pour some milk into a bowl of cereal.  Carnation Instant Breakfast?  The only message that sends is "I've got better things to do." 

Tuesday, August 24, 2021

The Catholic University of America makes me feel so loved on my birthday...

 


Included in this very nice card is a promo code for 25% off at the CUA store.  Except the jacket I want hasn't been available for a year now.  And another jacket isn't available in any size except small and extra large- and it's not eligible with the promotion.  And another sweatshirt looks nice- but oh look, the promo code is invalid. 

Thanks, good old CUA, for remembering me on my birthday.  I'm still not donating, and you clearly don't really care if I buy anything. 

Sunday, August 22, 2021

Bambee deserves another verbal kick in the butt

 


"Minimum Wage Requirements!  Wrongful Dismissal Lawsuits!  LABOR REGULATIONS!"

These are the EVIL POTHOLES and HEADACHES that ASSAULT the decent, hard-working business owner every day, according to Bambee.com.  And to deal with these and other hassles that necessary evil called Humans are just waiting to inflict on your poor poor put-upon self, you've got to hire a Human Resources Manager, which we're going to just refer to as another piece of equipment- "they cost $70,000 per year."

Now that Bambee has made it perfectly clear that it sees living, breathing fellow sapiens as royal pains in the ass whose annoying demands for things like a decent wage and compliance with laws passed to Support the Spread of Communism make sure workers are being treated like fellow sapiens, it's not surprising that this company wants to just outsource the career of Human Resources Manager to part-timers working out of boiler rooms on the other side of the planet.  I mean, Bambee couldn't be more obvious with it's utter contempt for workers who dare suggest that they have rights, so as a blood-sucking Capitalist Great American who just wants to be permitted to enslave his fellow man live the American dream, what choice do you have but to hire Bambee?  Live with those minimum wage requirements and other labor regulations?  So what you're saying is, you want the terrorists to win?

Saturday, August 21, 2021

Join this Family, Drink the Kool-Aid* (or Minute Maid Fruit Punch)

 


So I guess the "joke" here is that if you bring in anyone from the Outside to meet the Family, that Outsider can expect to be greeted by absolute silence- including the sudden muting of any music that happens to be playing and hell, while we're at it, the freezing of any cooking sounds that happen to correspond with the Outsider's arrival.  Silence, and very cold, unfriendly stares from every member of the Family who will treat you exactly as if you've just stood up at the local Kingdom Hall to announce that you are in fact an Apostate and just came to let everyone know they are in a cult.

The silence and the threatening stares will only end when, and if, the Patriarch hands you a glass of Minute Maid Fruit Punch and bursts into laughter worthy of any escapee from Beldam Asylum.  And when the rest of the Family joins in, well....if you hang around to actually drink that fruit punch, you must really like that girl or really like the idea of being "accepted" by this truly weird family.  I mean, it's one thing to meet the Crazy Uncle We Have to Invite first.  It's another thing entirely for that Crazy Uncle to actually turn out to be your girlfriend's dad and the role model for everyone else in this group of lunatics who somehow include your girlfriend.  I'd start to wonder what I got myself into, and if there was some kind of Get Out deal at work here.  In any case, I wouldn't drink that fruit punch, and I'd remind myself of that old saw "marry the girl, you marry her family."  

(By the way, these people really like Minute Maid Fruit Punch...I mean, it's not TERRIBLE, but...there are a lot of better-tasting drinks out there.  Seriously.)

*yes, I know it's not Kool-Aid.  But it wasn't Kool-Aid at Jonestown, either.  

Thursday, August 19, 2021

TDAmeritrade's shameless, manipulative exploitation of a shameless, manipulative song

 


Because I'm afraid I'll forget, I just have to spotlight one of the YouTube responses to this commercial which lets us know that Mr. Chapin's estate is very grateful that this song was used in this ad.  Yes, I'm quite certain that Mr. Chapin's heirs appreciate the royalty money.  Other than that, I'm not at all certain that Mr. Chapin would be thrilled to see his cloying tear-jerking mess of a song being used to pitch TD f--ing Ameritrade.

Now that that's out of the way, we see that this is one of those ads that has nothing to do with any product but instead is designed only to elicit feelings of warmth toward a particular company.  "Awwww....look at that dad being involved with his kid!  Awwww...I remember this song, which is about a father who neglected (worked for a living to keep a roof over his head) his kid!  Awwww...the company that bought the rights to use this music must really, really love dads who really, really love their kids!  I should invest with them, maybe!"

Oh seriously, gag me.  This commercial features maybe ten three-second scenes from eighteen years of a father's life with his son, including baby-holding time that son will NOT remember or appreciate later.  Are these three-second scenes representative of the guy's relationship with his son?  Or are they the rare highlights of 18 years in which the dad was essentially absent (the rare highlights that this guy images reflect the kind of awesome dad he was/is, while if the son looked at this commercial would think "yeah, I guess that ten times over the course of 18 years, dad and I did stuff together, but what about the great majority of the time when he was nowhere to be seen?")  Also, if this IS an accurate portrayal of his life as a father, so what?  Being a father is Optional.  This guy chose to be a father.  He's just doing what decent fathers should do.  This ad suggests that this guy should be up for a Nobel Prize because he held his son when he was a baby and played catch with him and took him out for a burger on occasion.  

And finally...this is, in the end, a commercial for TDAmeritrade, a company which in all of it's other ads feature people staring at stock analyses on laptops and cellphones or sitting in coffee shops or "green rooms" chatting away with greasy analysts about how to spend more time obsessing over money.  No kids to be seen, anywhere.   So what's with the mixed messages?  Are guys supposed to spend time with their kids, or are they supposed to be spending every waking moment manipulating their money?  I know which one yanks the heartstrings, but I also know which one signs up the customers.  Which is why this particular ad is the outlier. 

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

Ocrevus declares war against biology. I guess.

 


This is exactly like those stupid "Stand Up To Cancer" commercials I used to see- and actually commented on more than a decade ago.  You know, the ones where random people (and Lance Armstrong) would stand up and stare at the camera and challenge cancer to a fistfight, or something. 

This really weird anthropomorphizing of a disease always struck me as being weird.  I have rheumatoid arthritis.  My specialist never suggested to me that RA was "out to get me" and it was "me against RA" or that shooting up with Humira twice a month was my way of "fighting back" against RA, maybe because he's an adult and I'm an adult and he realized that to describe my condition and it's treatment in that manner would be treating me like a child.  Instead, he just told me that Humira can aid in controlling the symptoms of RA.  He didn't describe RA as a monster that had invaded and was determined to take over my body and "control me."   And I'm grateful that he didn't because I prefer to take my doctor seriously.

To the best of my knowledge, diseases don't exist to challenge us or knock us off our pedestals as the Most Awesomest Living Things Ever.  They don't exist for any purpose at all, and they aren't thinking at all, let alone thinking of ways to bring us down.  To think otherwise requires a level of self-importance even I can't obtain.

On the other hand, if phrases like "Win The Fight Against COVID" and "Defeat COVID" and "It's Us Against COVID" convince the roughly one-quarter of the American population currently determined to let Stupid enslave them (and, more importantly, make life difficult for the rest of us,) then I say keep using them.  But I'm not going to stop thinking that this is all pretty stupid. 


Sunday, August 15, 2021

Eventually, everyone gets their own SiriusXM channel. And here's the proof

 


The SiriusXM commercial advertising the channel "starring" this talentless one-trick pony whose one trick grew old and hackneyed more than a decade ago has him waxing poetic about how he was "discovered" after "entertaining" an audience of slack-jawed, tasteless yokels:  As he was walking off the stage, Ron Schneider and David Spade walked up to him and said he was an awesome talent.

Because if you want to send someone to judge a comedian's talent, you can't do better than...Rob Schneider and David Spade.  Seriously, if those two told me someone they heard at a comedy club was funny, I'd ask them how they could possibly know, having never approached Funny's zip code in their entire careers.  Rob Schneider and David Spade think you're funny?  Then the jury's still out as far as I'm concerned.  Seriously, when Daniel Lawrence Whitney told me that he was discovered by Schneider and Spade, I thought that he was just telling another joke- one much funnier than any I'd ever heard him tell before.   It's like someone boasting that Donald Trump told him that he had Class and Modesty. 

Personally, I wouldn't watch two minutes of this guy's exaggerated Jim Foxworthy routine if you paid me.  If anyone subscribes to SiriusXM to listen to this multi-millionaire pretend to be a hokey redneck, it's probably the same kind of person who watches Duck Dynasty and believes the stars of that show are just Reg'lar Folks Like You and Me and not the phony media products they are.  Personally, I think one 30-second commercial for this played-out no-talent more than fulfills my daily get-r-done quota.   

Saturday, August 14, 2021

Lending Tree's Good Commercial with the Wrong Message

 


Sure you can see the punchline coming from a mile away, but this is still a pretty cute commercial featuring a guy admitting that he's put himself way over his head in debt in order to live a lifestyle society "expects" him to live because he's a white guy in Suburban America.  He's got the ridiculous house that everyone in commercials but very, very few people in real life have.  He's got a huge SUV and is an "upstanding member of society" (guy willing to throw money around in order to look far wealthier than he actually is) because he belongs to the local golf club.  And he's got himself a trophy wife who either has the brain of a canary because she's been conned into believing his BS or is as much in denial as her husband is. 

The problem is that this isn't a commercial for fiscal responsibility, it's a commercial for Lending Tree.  So after thirty seconds of this guy setting up the "I'm in debt up to my eyeballs" punchline, we get the even bigger joke that the "solution" to his problem is....more debt.  This after he tells us he can barely pay the finance charges on the debt he's ALREADY accumulated.  

This reminds me of those blank checks I still occasionally get in the mail from credit companies encouraging me to use them to pay off my debts and "consolidate" them into "one easy payment" of $217 per month for the rest of my life or so.  There's no end to banks, credit card issuers, etc. eager to buy up your debt so they can soak you for interest from now until the universe suffers from heat death.  But it's so obviously a dumb shell game that only the most desperate- or stupid- would ever fall for it.  I guess this guy qualifies, but seriously, buddy...the LAST thing you need is to buy into the idea that you can just borrow your way out of debt.  Do you think that you can wash yourself dry or binge-eat your way to a fitter body, too?  Because it's the same mentality. 

How about just living within your means?  Anyone do that anymore?

Friday, August 13, 2021

CashNetUSA is The Dumb

 


I've never been as happy about anything as this woman is to be taking out a loan to fix maybe thousands of dollars of water damage done to her roof.  She really looks like her day was made when the ceiling collapsed, drenching her husband, because apparently nothing gives her a thrill more than whipping out her phone and committing both of them to paying off a high-interest loan.  Just a couple of questions that don't involve questioning the mental state of a woman who beams from ear to ear simply because borrowing money is easy:

1.  Are you even going to call a carpenter, plumber, or any other professional to give you an estimate on how severe the damage is or how much it's going to cost?  Or is the plan to just borrow a certain amount of money and hope it's enough?  If the latter is the case, how did you go about buying that home- did you just borrow a massive chunk of money figuring "yeah, a house should cost this much?"

2.  You sure took out that loan fast.  It's like you just wanted to borrow money and were waiting for an excuse.  That's really weird.

3.  Do you guys NOT have homeowner's insurance?  Isn't that a legal requirement pretty much everywhere?  I can see jumping to file a claim, NOT to take out a loan.  

4.  You guys own a home, and the best option you can think of when you have an unexpected repair bill (and again, you don't even have a bill yet) is to use the same service people who DON'T have property they can use to get a SECURED loan use?  That would be like if I ignored the money I have in the bank and my credit cards and just toddled off to Aaron's to rent a tv, or if I ignored my driving record and sought car insurance from one of those by-the-month pay-through-the-nose barely-legal-coverage places.  What is the matter with you people?

Thursday, August 12, 2021

Community Tax understands you deadbeats

 


"If you owe the IRS $10,000 or more...."

First, you don't owe "the IRS" anything.  You owe the American people $10,000.  Which means you owe your neighbors, your community, your friends, because you haven't been paying your fair share.  That "Freedom isn't Free" bumper sticker doesn't mean "Support the Troops By Putting a Bumper Sticker on Your Car and Voting Republican."  It means that it costs money to keep a stable society which includes infrastructure going.  And if you want to enjoy the benefits of that stable society, you have to pay your fair share.  And you haven't been, so

Second, stop shaking your head at those pieces of paper on your coffee table in your Suburban palace.  Shaking your head isn't going to make those pieces of paper- which I assume are friendly reminders that you live in a stable society and haven't paid your fair share- go away.  Neither is some scammy bs "Tax Service" which paints the Internal Revenue Service as an Evil Monster trying to Victimize your poor, innocent, All You Wanted Was To Not Pay Taxes and Also Not Face Any Consequences Self.  

Third, I don't care what the state of the economy is presently, and neither does this "service," because they use the same script whether we are in a recession, depression or boom times.  No matter what year it is or what the unemployment rate is or where the stock market is at, these commercials are always bleating about "these uncertain times" and "the current economic downturn."  Know why?  Because people who owe taxes always think times are bad.  It's like that old saw that a "Recession" is when your neighbor is out of work, and a "Depression" is when you are.  These ads target people who are living on the margins (usually due to stupid decisions like overpaying for cars and houses because I Want It and I have a Right to have It Right Now) and figured they could just save some money by not paying their taxes.  In other words, Stupid People who love to be told that their situation is Anyone's Fault But Theirs.  Telling them "times are really tough right now, we understand" is going to get a response because it implies that "everyone" is in the same boat, never mind that the vast majority of Americans actually pay their fair share even if it means doing without because they haven't figured out that Responsibility is for Suckers. 

Fourth, I hope all these people end up in jail.  I have a right to feel that way- I pay my taxes.  I pay my fair share.  I don't live off others and I have zero respect for anyone who thinks paying taxes just isn't something smart people should have to do if they want to use that money for something else.   I'm just weird that way.

Sunday, August 8, 2021

Creditrepair.com; an easy go-to on a Sunday morning

 


There's a radio version of this ad running pretty much constantly on Sirius/XM which features some smarmy jackass pretending to quiz people on their knowledge of the importance of a good credit score.  He asks them what a "good credit score" is, and a woman guesses "600?" to which he mockingly replies, "sure, that's good, if you want to pay thousands of dollars in extra interest."  If you have a radio, you've probably heard this ad.  

Anyway, the host eventually asks a guy "does paying your bills on time improve your credit score?"  And guess what- when the guy answers "yes" the host responds "sorry, no."  Which breaks my rage meter, because as I've been preaching here for years, paying your bills on time, every time is the No. 1 way to keep your credit score high, or to improve it if it's not where you want it to be.  Creditrepair.com outright LIES to make it sound like your credit score is out of your control, so you need to use their "service."  It would be as if Optima Tax Relief told you that you CAN'T deal with your tax issues with the IRS on your own, instead of carefully telling you that you SHOULDN'T.  It's crossing a very fine line between Possibly True and Downright False and I wonder why the United States has such lousy consumer protections when it comes to misleading advertising.  (Actually I don't wonder; it's called Capitalism, cloaked with Buyer Beware with a nice coat of Ignorance is No Excuse.)  

So the idiot scam artist in these ads is basically telling his intended victims that they have no control over their credit score, which means it will be low, which means they'll never get that new car and house and vacation they "deserve," unless they hire this company which knows how to fix credit in ways that are unavailable to the intended victim, which is yet another lie.   Thanks for the material, Creditrepair.com.  You never disappoint. 

Saturday, August 7, 2021

The first of several comments concerning DriveTime Commercials, you can be sure of that.

 


How does this stupid wall of noise convince anybody to use this service to buy a car?  How does it convince anyone to do anything other than make a mad lunge for the remote and the mute button?

Oh, right- this is all about convincing people with crap credit and no money that their crap credit and no money does not necessarily translate into No Car.  Sometimes, it can translate into Car That Will Hang On You Like Lead Weights As You Struggle To Remain Afloat.  Oh but it's so fun to imagine your phone vomiting money and building a "money man" or whatever the hell that stupid woman says as the other stupid woman does a stupid little dance.  For the stupid audience.

Meanwhile....comments are turned off for this video.  That means you KNOW its bad, because YouTube is where people with no taste and no sense of humor go to tell the world how rib-spitting funny and awesome every commercial out there is.  And to ask what the music in the background is called.  Because Stupid People.


Friday, August 6, 2021

How to file a claim with Car Shield in Seven Easy Steps!

 


Step One:  Call our convenient toll-free number.  It's free!  It's the only part of our service that's free, so you might as well use it.  For free!

Step Two:  Wait on hold for a minimum of twenty-five minutes while our Dedicated Operators deal with other frustrated, worried customers who are dumb enough to think that they are actually going to benefit from the "insurance" and "peace of mind" they think they've been paying for for months if not years. Enjoy the tinny music running in an endless loop periodically interrupted with messages like "your call is very important to us" and "did you know that you can save us even more money by not bothering our operators and just filing a claim which we'll totally ignore online?  You get the same non-service online as you'll get if you keep waiting on the phone, stupid!"

Step Three:  Actually file a claim which will be carefully filed in the circular file container next to the operator's desk which looks suspiciously like a trash can.

Step Four:  After three weeks or so, call back to be told that your claim was rejected because the damage done to your car includes items that are not included in the All Covered Parts are Covered covered list.  Should have read the fine print, stupid.

Step Five:  File an impotent complaint at the Better Business Bureau website, which you think will do something because you think that the BBB is some kind of government watchdog agency when in fact it's just another private company that has done an extraordinarily good job convincing people that it's some kind of government watchdog agency.

Step Six:  File an impotent complaint with Ripoff Report.com, which will accomplish exactly as much as that BBB complaint accomplished:  it will help you blow off some steam about the money you wasted.  

Step Seven:  Admit you paid the Stupid Tax and never, ever buy into Car Shield, Home Shield, or any of these BS "extended warranty" scams again.  

Monday, August 2, 2021

All of these car "warranty" scammers use the same script.


At least three or four times a week, someone calls my mother's land line to "offer" an "extension" of her long-expired car warranty, and having chatted with these disgusting scammers (scambaiting is kind of a hobby of mine) I can anticipate the script with almost 100 percent accuracy.  They all offer an extension of the same warranty mom had when she bought the car brand-new.  They all offer exactly the same "coverage," and they all offer a caveat that she must accept or decline during the phone call "because people might decline and experience car trouble and then try to get coverage"- never mind that none of these bottom-of-the-barrel scum-suckers require a pre-coverage inspection but instead are willing to take the customer's word for it that no warning lights are on, there are no current problems with the vehicle, etc. etc. etc.  They do vary widely in how much money they want to steal from you- we've been offered "coverage" of anywhere from three to five years in length, costing anywhere from $99 to $350 per month.   Other than that, though, all of these people seem to be using the exact same script they picked up from EasyScammer.com (if such a service exists.)  

I've noticed that recently these companies are using Indian call centers to make the initial calls and then transferring us to American "salespeople" to "complete" the transaction once we express interest.  I'm assuming that this is done to cut Scam Overhead costs while increasing the likelihood of pulling off a successful scam (certainly an American is more likely to trust someone who doesn't speak in broken English with a thick Indian accent while claiming an obviously fake English name.)  This phenomenon certainly makes ending the call more interesting- when Indians realize you are scambaiting them, they usually just hang up or at the very most curse you out for a few seconds before cutting off the call.  Americans are more willing to get involved in insult-hurling contests, as if I can be judged, let alone shamed, by a guy who chooses to make his living by trying to rip people off.

Anyway, I guess that this particular company has amassed enough income to buy commercials on low-viewership channels, competing with endless ads for Nutrisystem and BS "Medicare" deals that dominate airtime between crap movies and reruns of the Andy Griffith Show.  But they are basically just more expensive versions of what you can hear over the phone if you swipe right for Scam Likely. 

(BTW, I do appreciate the generic fees included in the receipt shown in the ad and especially the way the "total" amount is circled in red followed by Sales Tax, as if the customer isn't at all concerned about the Sales Tax.  I guess maybe I wouldn't be all that concerned either after paying all that money for Shop Fees and Oil.  Hysterical.)

Sunday, August 1, 2021

Picking on BMW Again

 


Just back from a week at Hampton Beach New Hampshire- which is most definitely not The Hamptons, but is in fact just one of the more popular of the hundreds of beaches in New England featuring Arcade-littered boardwalks offering culinary delights for any palette as long as it's limited to fried dough, hot dogs, cheap pizza and ice cream, cramped cottages a five-minute walk to the beach renting for $1000 or so a week, and tinny bar music mixed with the sounds of those arcades you can't quite ever get away from (if you were indifferent to the song "Sweet Caroline" when you first visit a New England beach, you are guaranteed to loathe it a week later.  Seriously, it's the freaking National Anthem of this region.)

And my very first day back, I'm greeted with...this.   A reminder of how awesome it must be to own a palace in Hawaii with a marble driveway to park your tricked-out BMW in.  Uh huh.  I'm as sure that this is 100 percent accurate as I am that it is 0 percent relatable.  Where's a devastating typhoon when you need one?  Isn't Hawaii due for a volcano eruption?  Give me SOMETHING here. 

Saturday, July 24, 2021

Navage is just gross

 


The radio version of these ads has been the bane of my existence this summer.  They show up at least eight times an hour on SiriusXM and there's been only one version running since late spring.  I've got in memorized and I'm pretty good at jumping up and hitting mute or changing the channel before the guy manages to get to the word "nose."  

I get that this product is probably a worthwhile thing to use, and I get that it only makes sense for Navage to use The Current Situation to pitch it, but enough already with trying to get me to pay close to $100 for a freaking nose water vacuum.  If I had money to burn I suppose I might actually head over to CVS and pick one up, but I don't have money to burn so I guess I'll just have to keep washing my hands with soap and water and wear a mask when I'm in crowded areas and use Flonase when I get sick as I inevitably will because I'm not buying one of these things.  Please stop trying to sell it to me.  I've had enough of your stupid smarmy voice and and being forced to visualize the workings of this device and it's ruining my summer and my life.  Stop now.  Right now.  Please. 

(And on that note, I'm off to the beach for a week.  See you all next weekend- and until then, please enjoy the archives and keep that View number up!)

Friday, July 23, 2021

WageSlave-- err, ZipRecruiter, et. al. can seriously take a hike now

 


Just between you and me, with those obnoxious Indeed commercials on the radio and these Zip Recruiter ads on TV,  I am so over the endless whining of small businessmen struggling to hire people so they can keep raking in the cash.  Don't care about your problems, Mr. Heartbeat of America.  Having trouble finding great candidates?  Offer more money.  Problem solved.   Ah, but that's not the solution you're looking for, is it?  You'd rather pay a headhunting agency to flood your inbox with well-qualified but also appropriately desperate and subservient laborers who would like to make a living but at the moment are willing to work for enough money to put food on the table, keep a roof over their heads once eviction moratoriums come to an end and maybe- if Boss Man is feeling generous (or desperate) enough, get a little of that Sweet Sweet Health Insurance Coverage which is tied to employment because America is Teh Dumb. 

Thursday, July 22, 2021

This Summer: BMW is still Just a Car

 


Here's yet another commercial for a luxury automobile which rides on the message that if you own a particular car you'll be able to travel places and see things.  But not just travel places and see things- do all that while driving really, really fast in a car that makes you feel Important because Listen to that Engine as I Hit the Gas. 

In a few days, I'll be heading to the beach for a week in an 11-year old Honda Civic.  It will take exactly the same amount of time to get there as it would if I were driving a 2021 BMW, Audi, Lexus, or whatever.  Because regardless of what all these commercials imply, driving one of these overpriced Overcompensation Toys doesn't make the traffic part like the Red Sea or grant you a special exemption from speed limits.  Nor does it open up vacation spots unavailable to the Unwashed Masses who have to get from Point A to Point B in 11-year old Honda Civics.  Seriously, Luxury Car Manufacturers:  get over yourselves.  Your products are nothing special no matter how many epilepsy-inducing images and VROOOM VROOM noises you throw at us. 

Wednesday, July 21, 2021

Hey Shaq, I can say "no more" too!

 


As in

1.  No more watching you pitch The General Car "Insurance."  You don't use The General, a company that aims it's "product" at people with crappy driving records and worse credit.  Stop telling how awesome a "service" you wouldn't be caught dead using (I doubt O'Neill even KNOWS what car insurance he has, but it's most definitely NOT The General) is. 

2.  No more using a body double carefully photographed from the neck down to sell Gold Bond Medicated Cream.  Maybe you use it- but that's not YOU using it in the commercial, no matter how much you want us to think it is- because you do NOT have the body of a 25-year old athlete.  Not anymore.  Not even close.

3.  No more trying convince us that you give a flying damn what printer cartridges are the highest quality, what copying machines do the best job, etc.  You aren't the least bit concerned about any of this because you're a former NBA star and now pimp for basically anyone willing to hand you a fistful of money to throw on the already-massive mountain of gold you already have.   You aren't the least bit credible, Mr. O'Neill.  Not anymore.  Probably not ever- but certainly, not anymore. 

Sunday, July 18, 2021

AIG "Tackle the Risk" Commercial: Three Minutes of Bizarre

 


Ok first of all, this is a commercial aimed at Japanese investors from 2017.  I generally don't bother with ads written for a foreign audience- I know there are different social mores and expectations and what have you, so what seems absolutely crazy and maybe even inappropriate to an American might not even raise an eyebrow in other countries, but this one was too weird to pass up.

For two minutes, all we see is a bunch of scary athletes who seem determined to assault anyone who happens to be standing in their way as they run through the streets of Tokyo, including a pretty young woman who was just strolling down the street looking at her phone (normally, I wouldn't mind at all the idea of body-slamming smartphone zombies, but she's about one-third the size of the guy who barrels over her, and as I implied, she's awfully cute.)  They just keep blasting through people who are just trying to go about their day.  I think the poor, underpaid window washer who now has broken bones and a severe concussion because a 20-year old, 200 pound athlete decided that it was his duty to crash into him at 10 MPH (the commercial suggests he's going much faster, but I'm going to try to stay in the real world here) was supposed to be a special bit of comic relief because his washing rag is just stuck there to the window, like he was swept up into heaven in a "Left Behind" film.   It goes from being weird to jarring to exhausting by the halfway mark- I mean, we get it; the producer is really really proud of this concept, so he's going to beat it into us.  One or two people put into situations where they should be badly injured isn't good enough.  Let's do this at least half a dozen times.

(I did think it was funny when one guy jumps into the back of a car and there's a baby in a car seat there- and the guy doesn't tackle the baby.)

Near the halfway point of this three-minute marathon of pain, the entire team traps a young couple in their car and glares at them menacingly.  Are they going to all gang-tackle this couple now?  Are they going to murder them?  What the actual hell?

Then we see that none of the people who were brutally slammed to the ground are hurt at all- they are being helped to their feet by the guys who rendered them horizontal moments before (I guess it's moments, but considering all that we saw, it's fair to wonder if all those mugging victims just stayed on the ground- perhaps waiting for emergency medical services- for a very long time, wondering if they would become crippled if they dared move their spines.)  The situation is resolved with a smile- "It's fine that you ran over me and caused me to crack my skull on the sidewalk, you helped me back up after all so all good.  No apologies necessary."  I guess this is how countries with strict gun control laws deal with situations like this.  In America, everyone within a city block would hear cursing, and probably gunfire, while a hundred bystanders live-streamed the event on their phones and searched for the right emojis to add. 

So as I noted AIG is an investment service and this is all about staying "financially safe" with your money.  And so I must add that this commercial certainly didn't age very well; in a few weeks Japan hosts its delayed Olympics amid mass protests over COVID concerns, concerns which have convinced the Olympic Committee to ban spectators at the events.  As poorly as the United States has done in getting its population vaccinated against COVID, we've got it all over the Japanese, who are just about the very worst among Westernized nations in getting shots into arms.  And Japan doesn't have the excuse of having half it's population living in a far right fever dream of fake viruses, autism-and-homosexuality-causing vaccines invented by people who hate Trump, and people who would rather die than take the advice of The Libs and Big Government.   I bet they are just fine when it comes to keeping their money safe, though, especially with compelling, "hard-hitting" (sorry) ads like this to help educate them. 

Saturday, July 17, 2021

Subaru+Dogs= Even More Stupid than Usual

 


The only thing dumber and sadder than this commercial are the people who like it so much that they gush all over it in the YouTube comments.  Seriously, do NOT read them on a full stomach.  

Meanwhile..."dog tested?"  Then dogs can buy them.  Stop insulting me with this crap, Subaru.  There are only two reasons why commercials like this exist:  One, you don't have to pay dogs to "act" in them. Two, you know that the American Consumer is, on average, a drooling, easily-manipulated moron who just looks at this and thinks OOOOHHH DOGS I LIKE DOGS I WISH I HAD A DOG LIKE THAT OOOH THIS IS SO TRUE OF DOGS LET ME GO TO YOUTUBE AND TELL THE PEOPLE ALL ABOUT MY DOG. 

Otherwise, this is just- Dogs.  Posed in a crappy car.  And very, very unappetizing-looking boiled hot dogs that no human would be interested in eating piled on a plate.  Did the dogs eat the hot dogs?  Who cares?  Oh right- the people who gush all over this stupid commercial.  The same people who, ten seconds after the commercial is over, will remember the dogs but not which car company made the ad.  Seriously, this makes me miss the Subaru=Love ads, and THOSE made me want to claw my eyes out.  Um, well done I guess?

Friday, July 16, 2021

Christian Faith Publishing: Because they support my Christian Views!

 


I've looked around for YEARS to find just the right publisher for my life's work, and I've finally found it in Christian Faith Publishing.  As the commercial says, only Christian Faith Publishing really reflects my views as a Christian; they are really into Crusading, Preaching, Book-banning, and Science-denying, but you could say that about MOST publishing companies.  Christian Faith Publishing goes the extra mile by being against women controlling their own bodies, both pro-birth AND pro-death penalty (and anti-welfare) which fits perfectly into my very Christian perspective.   Christian Faith Publishing also embraces the other values All True Christians embrace:  they are anti-gun control, pro-censorship, and of course pro-Trump, and have no problem discriminating against anyone who makes a Lifestyle ChoiceTM which is obviously Un-Christian (Gay, Liberal, Socialist, all that I hate because Jesus does he told me so.)  And I haven't checked yet but I'm sure that they are all for cutting family ties with Apostates through Excommunication (if they are Catholics) or Disfellowshipping (if they are Jehovah's Witnesses) or just plain Shunning (if they are Baptists, Mormons, etc.)  

So obviously if I'm going to publish my thesis about the short life of an obscure political party in the antebellum United States, who ELSE would I trust than Christian Faith Publishing? 

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

From the files of "oh, why not?" comes this old AIG Commercial.

 


1.  I'm sorry, but I find it really creepy that this guy is so thrilled at the idea of his family being taken care of financially (which is the only way that matters) should he kick off before they do.  I mean, it's not as bad as showing his Significant Other being thrilled at the thought, but it's still pretty bad.  I get feeling "comforted" at the thought that your family will not suffer (financially, which again...) if you die, but I don't get being so happy about it either.   Calm down, buddy.  

2.  This commercial is seven years old.  At the rate that AIG Insurance customer counter is going up, I estimate that there are roughly 3 billion more AIG customers than there are people on the planet.  So do they provide life insurance for dogs, cats and goldfish, too?

Sunday, July 11, 2021

As for that "Confidence- Pass it On" commercial....

 


1.  If you believe that any of the people in this ad are related, well- I guess you are the reason the producers felt confident in just picking three random available wannabee actors to appear in it.  There isn't an ounce of chemistry between any of them, nothing to suggest anything other than that they are total strangers who met at the studio five minutes before filming. 

2.  If you are rooting for that noxious little brat to do anything but fall on her face during the recital, you are a much, much better person than I am.  This is a level of nastiness that can only be bred in a ritzy suburb by that parents of a single child who have settled into the role of butler, maid and chauffer for this smarmy little creep.  It might sound cruel, but a pratfall* resulting in absolutely NO prizes would be very good for her in the wrong run and something she desperately needs if she's going to avoid turning into an absolutely impossible adult. 

*why a pratfall and not a very good performance that is just slightly less impressive than that of another kid?  Because you just KNOW that these are the kind of people who will file a lawsuit against the judges if their Perfect Precious Darling wasn't recognized by those Nasty Meanies for what she is- the VERY BEST PERFORMER BY FAR.  After all, the only place Entitled Brats come from is Entitled Parents. 

Saturday, July 10, 2021

Coventry Direct: Because We Just Don't Care Anymore

 


(Or Boomers are already spoiled enough already.  Or I'm not dying to make some damn Millenial's life a little easier. )

Here we have an old couple lamenting the fact that they spent thousands of dollars on what turned out to be Worthless Life Insurance because they didn't die as anticipated.  And they are about to pass that lamenting on to their children and grandchildren when those miserable selfish spawn of the Nowhere Near Greatest Generation find out that they'll gain absolutely nothing when the old people FINALLY pass on.  And all because Mom and Dad decided to be selfish and cash in that life insurance policy instead of continuing to make increasingly high premium payments so Sonny could buy himself a Tesla....um, to deal with the grief.  Yeah, that's it. 

Watch these old codgers sell the family homestead and leave the money to some charity next.  There's no limit to their lack of consideration for the Lesser Generations, after all. 

Friday, July 9, 2021

And the Oscar goes to.....that cookie!!!

 


(After all, it's far and away the best "actor" in this commercial.)

I gotta love the way the old guy reacts to learning that a 76-year old neighbor who likes running marathons has dropped dead "just like that," though I do find it a little creepy the way he immediately guessed that his wife was saying he died and not that he got injured running or something else.  He's so stunned that he pauses in bringing that cookie to his mouth.  

And I also gotta love the way he reads his lines- "we aren't going to have that talk about needing life insurance again, are we?"  It's so convincing.  And then it's off to the races with "the $9.95 plan," which is the only way EITHER of them refer to the Whole Life Insurance policy she has now decided they are done talking about and are definitely going to buy, today,* before one of them (preferably her husband, who just enjoys holding cookies rather than eating them) kicks off.  Which could be any moment because after all, if a 76-year old neighbor can go "just like that," how much warning are too loathsome, death-obsessed weirdos living on cookies going to get before THEY fall into the abyss?

*because a life insurance policy you can buy for $9.95 a month after the age of fifty is going to provide SUCH a great payoff.  I mean, come on.  You'll be lucky if you can buy a box of cookies for the settlement amount. 


Wednesday, July 7, 2021

Jimmy Walker's Medicare Commercial is beyond sad

 


I mean, at least we all recognize Joe Namath.  When Joe Namath picks up his ill-begotten paycheck for pimping this crap he can take some comfort in the fact that he didn't have to decorate the background with Extremely Un-Subtle Reminders of who he is so that the elderly people watching this nonsense didn't wonder who was trying to pitch them "extra" Medicare "insurance."

Poor Jimmy Walker has to remind us that we knew him as "JJ" and for a really dumb, best-forgotten and certainly unsung and unwept punchline that was all the rage for fifteen minutes back in the mid-70s.  Like Jimmy Walker himself.  I wonder how much this company paid him to screech "Dinomite!," considering he's probably been willing to do it for free for the past forty years for anyone willing to pose with him, ask for an autograph, and otherwise acknowledge him as a flash-in-the-pan one trick pony whose time ran out before I graduated from eighth grade.  That GEICO gig didn't come through, huh, "JJ?" 

The Good Times are over, and they ain't comin' back, Jimmy.  And nostalgia ain't what it used to be, either.  

Monday, July 5, 2021

I wasn't born yesterday either, Consumer Cellular.

 


One of the people in this ad was born in 1968.  Another was born in 1970.  I don't know when the third was born, but she looks like she's maybe 60.  But because Consumer Cellular is trapped in the 1990s when it comes to thinking about anyone over the age of thirty, we are told that one huge benefit of Consumer Cellular products is that they are super-easy to use and therefore should be appealing to anyone who has reached an age where anything more complicated than a microwave is befuddling Fairy Tale Magic or something.  It's like Consumer Cellular thinks that if you're over thirty, you might as well be Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer without the slightest idea of how all these fancy do-hickies like Personal Computers and Phones You Can Carry Around With You What WILL they think of Next actually function.

Give me a break.  Those people who were born in 1968 and 1970 were using PCs in college, and have been online since they were in their mid-20s.  They probably got their first cell phone before they reached the age of thirty.  So how did using a cell phone and dealing with cell phone bills (we know how disorganized Middle Aged People are when it comes to managing bills, don't we?) become super-complicated and waaaaay over their heads?  This just stinks of Old People Are Clueless ageism, and man is that bar for what counts as "too old to handle tech" getting lower by the minute. 

And in the meantime, can we go back to showing actual old people in these ads?  I know Consumer Cellular wants to expand it's market, but I'm really not ready to see people YOUNGER THAN I AM going for Easy to Understand cell phone services and phones with Big Uncomplicated Buttons Because Everyone Knows Your Brain Stops Working When You Reach That Age.   I'm seriously feeling triggered right now- that's the phrase the cool kids are using these days, right?


Sunday, July 4, 2021

Facebook Portal: There's No Escape

 


Yep, I'm going to rag on Facebook Portal a little more.  Sue me.

The tech for video phones existed back in the 1950s, but we didn't get them because of lack of demand. That's right, good old-fashioned Capitalism killed the video phone because for decades people didn't feel the need to see the person they were talking to- in fact, didn't want to see the person they were talking to, and didn't want the person they were talking to see them, either.  In a way, it was about maintaining privacy- I'll talk to you but I'm not going to invite you into my personal space,  and I'm not tidying up my apartment or making sure my background is pleasing to the eyes just because I need to talk to you on the phone.

Then we got the ability to see who we were talking to on our phones- and the vast majority of us preferred not to use that feature.  In fact, we seemed to do a lot more texting than talking, because it seems safer and less formal and (best of all) we can just stop texting and don't have to go through any awkward "well, I better get going" moments leading to "goodbyes" when we can mercifully hang the hell up and get on with our lives.

Well, Capitalism is all done waiting for us to want to use the tech it invested heavily in.  You can talk to people through Facebook Portal while on your laptop, but that's not good enough, either- so here's a camera you can attach to your 60-inch HDTV, now instead of watching that baseball game you can talk to a huge version of that person you just (maybe) wanted to talk to for two minutes in glorious MassiveVision in your living room.  And that person can see your entire living room while you talk.  And if you thought "well, gotta go" was slightly awkward over a regular phone, and significantly more awkward in a Zoom call, how do you think you're going to pull it off while talking to someone who looks like they are standing right in front of you?  What are you going to say, "it's been fun but I really want to do something other than be in front of this camera, and there IS this baseball game on I kind of want to watch....?"

Sorry, Capitalism.  I can't even begin to describe how very uninterested I am in buying into any of this. In fact, this makes texting look better than ever.  

Saturday, July 3, 2021

This Facebook Portal Commercial is why Mute buttons were invented

 


It's also why YouTube Prime is totally worth it.  I feel badly for anyone who finds himself ambushed by this horror of a commercial featuring squeaky morons laughing over....something...anything....I don't care what.  No power on Earth can make me turn up the volume and make me actually listen to this crime against humanity. 

What's the tagline, by the way?  "Facebook Portal:  Because there are people who don't know what an idiot you are.  Yet."  Or "Facebook Portal:  Look what the opportunity to be in a commercial can do to people."  It sure as hell isn't "Facebook Portal:  This will make your life better in any way, shape or form."  

Hey, wait a minute.  I know what the tagline is:  "Facebook Portal:  Ready to buy YouTube Prime and skip the ads yet?  'Cause this garbage is just going to keep coming..."

Friday, July 2, 2021

I went to a Time Share Presentation, and a Leaf Filter sales pitch broke out!

 

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

Nissan Rogue Presents: "The Perfect car if you..."

 


...simply can't be expected to pay any attention to what is actually going on on the road in front of you.

...want to look at everything EXCEPT what is going on on the road in front of you.

...want to go from Point A to Point B while maintaining your "connectivity" through Facebook, listening to your favorite music, and enjoying all the bells and whistles and screens which pop up to distract you from the road in front of you, which as we've established you aren't the slightest bit interested in anyway.

...couldn't find your butt with two hands and a flashlight because you've gotten ludicrously spoiled with GPS.

...are totally incapable of even PARKING YOUR FREAKING CAR which makes us wonder how you managed to do something the vast majority of us have been doing for decades with the use of low-tech side and rear view mirrors.

...are a smarmy little runt who just enjoys sitting in a metal cage surrounded by all this ridiculous tech that constantly reminds you that you can afford a metal cage filled with ridiculous tech.

Sunday, June 27, 2021

OnStar Guardian: Credit where Credit is Due....

 


Ugh, I have to admit it:  this commercial totally works.   The first time I watched it, I thought it was a Silver Alert situation- Dad was sitting in the park cold, scared and confused, and Daughter uses technology to rescue him.   As it turns out, Dad just didn't feel like answering the phone and instead just wanted to spend a little time with his memories in the park.   This is actually a little better- if it WAS a Silver Alert situation, I could criticize this woman for not immediately calling the police if she had the tech to locate him, but I assume that her father has no record of cognitive failure and was just mystified as to why he was not answering his phone.  So I can't criticize this ad at all.  

Don't worry, I have no expectation that I'm about to have to give up this blog because commercials are about to become effective and to-the-point.  This is more like a finding-a-flower-in-the-manure-pile situation.  

Saturday, June 26, 2021

A 2-minute Nissan Rogue Commercial that feels like 2 hours

 


1.  I really thought this was going to be one of those twee "important message" ads about disconnected parents when we see the father blathering away in bumper-sticker "business speak" while the rest of the family looks like their valium is kicking in.  Which confused me because it's clear in all these ads that we are supposed to admire the "connectivity" and see it as a bonus.

2.  It couldn't be more obvious that the kid in the back seat was asked by the director to "show sadness" or something, because that miserable hand-in-chin, eyes-on-the-floor posture is so cliche'd it's almost painful.  We get it.  He's sad.  Probably about his dad being "disconnected" from his life, or something.

3.  Nissan really, really wants to highlight the mirrors in this ad.  I don't know why.  All cars have mirrors.  This one has a rearview mirror that can be adjusted-- manually.  Wow, that's innovation right there, Nissan.  And mom uses the mirror too, to-- check what's behind her?  Show us her face from a different angle?

4.  These people spent a ridiculous amount of time just sitting in that parking lot before getting out of the car.  What the hell is going on here?  Combined with the monotone of their "conversation," I'm starting to pass out here.  And I'm not on valium.

5.  They ask the kid to exit the car and check the back, and the look on the kid's face tells you that the director told him to smile slightly as he goes through the motions of taking his cue.  The acting here is just atrocious.  I am not invested in the slightest.

6.  The kid waves his foot in front of the rear hatch which opens it- never mind that Dad is still in the driver's seat (are they going to get out of the car at some point, or are they just dropping this kid in an otherwise abandoned park?) and is more than capable of opening it from there.  Maybe the kid really, really likes using the magic foot-sensor thing which added hundreds of dollars to the cost of the family SameMobile while having no real utility.  

7.  Hey look, the "parents" actually managed to get out of the car to see their kids' response to getting a bat for his birthday- just think, if they had exited the car WITH him, they could have just given him the bat themselves and seen the look on his (sleepy, bored, painfully unconvincing) face when he got it.  And the kid is sooo excited about getting the bat, you'd think he had just listened to his father finish a conference call or used his foot to open the hatch.  This kid is totally pumped about getting that bat, I tell you....

8.  Now what?  I guess the kid was nervous about trying out for the team, or being in the first game- perhaps feeling the pressure brought on by the fact that both parents are dressed in team colors and are therefore 100 percent invested in this whole baseball thing.  Not sure why the kid needs a bat, though- teams usually provide those.  His own glove would have made a lot more sense here, but it's clear that a whole lot of thought was put into something else and not this ad which, by the way, is for a Nissan Rogue which has great internet connectivity and a motion-controlled hatch.  The one featured in today's commercial included three non-actors who clearly met five minutes before shooting started and who all woke up ten minutes before that given the haze in which they speak every line and the painfully obvious lack of chemistry.  Wow, this one really hurt. 

Friday, June 25, 2021

Apple misunderstands our desire to get back to being Part of the World...

 


So instead of sitting inside staring at your computer screen, you can buy this and....sit outside staring at your computer screen.

And this means being "part of that world."  Uh huh.

How about this- turn your computer off and go outside and actually be PART OF THAT WORLD.
Oh right, I forgot- that's not being Productive.  We must be Productive.  You can go outside if you want, but only if you buy this Apple Product so when you go outside you can remain Productive.  And somehow this is supposed to be "better," because Reasons. 

But hey, at least the drooling minions who seem to populate every YouTube comment section featuring an electronic device loves this ad, love the song, love The Little Mermaid, and especially love being Charmed By That Song That Was In The Little Mermaid.  So that's something slightly more than nothing...I guess.

Thursday, June 24, 2021

I'm going to rag on DailyPay a little more now.

 




This is such an obvious disaster in the making, I just can't stop thinking about it.

I mean, let's just consider this for a moment:  When you get a job, the first thing you learn is how to budget your money so you can get to your next paycheck.  As your salary expands, so does your budget.  You learn how to manage your money because you learn what money is actually worth.  If you're smart about it, you don't go through a period of youthful foolishness (like many of my fellow Boomers assume all kids go through when they first go to college.)  If you're like most people, you eventually figure out how to use your paychecks to get your bills taken care of, plus save for something special (like vacation, or retirement.)  But no matter what, you figure out how you are going to use your paycheck- and just as importantly, how you are going to manage between paychecks.

Besides the little "convenience fees" you are going to get sucked out of your earnings if you use this stupid App, I think the biggest reason this sends up red flags with me is because it's encouraging you to just Spend as you Go.  Never mind budgeting between paychecks- just spend your money as it comes in, Because You Can.  And if you go a little overboard, well, just read my previous post on the same product- it's just so easy to get an "advance" on your NEXT paycheck, for that "convenient," "small" fee.  

There's nothing fiscally sensible about any of this.  Nobody encourages their kids to spend their money as they make it, and certainly nobody encourages their kids to spend money BEFORE THEY HAVE IT.  Only people who are facing eviction should be using BS "services" like Rapid Refunds (pretending to get their tax refunds "faster" but actually just getting a loan using their anticipated refund as security.)  Only people in desperate straits- or people who just don't know how to budget, aren't interested in learning, and want to live day to day because paycheck to paycheck is too slow and besides remember that stuff about budgeting- will be using DailyPay.  And getting themselves in deep, deep trouble.


Monday, June 21, 2021

The Dailypay app: Making it even more expensive to be poor!

 


I guess it was really only a matter of time before the wonderful world of Payday Loans went high tech.  Here we've got a Really Ought to be Sad woman who can "afford" to fill her tank up with gas because she can get her paycheck "any time she wants" by using the "free" Dailypay app.  In other words, she can keep spending money even after her paycheck has been used up by borrowing on her next paycheck. 

It's just a Payday Loan.  I mean, how can this not be obvious to everyone?

I did a little research, and discovered something about as surprising as finding fat people at McDonald's. Turns out that while the Dailypay app is, technically, "free," the amount of money you can "advance" yourself is very limited unless you are willing to include "tips" along with your "advance" (unsecured loan) request.  The most common "suggested tip" is 9% for every one hundred dollars "advanced" (borrowed.)  Want to "access" your $1000 paycheck a day early?  No problem- it's just going to cost you $90.  You won't even notice, because you won't get a bill- it'll just get deducted from that $1000.  Easy Peezy, that's what Dailypay is all about, after all.  Well, that and convenience, anyway.

It's JUST A PAYDAY LOAN.  You aren't living within your means if you are willing to hand over a sizable chunk of your paycheck in order to get it a few days in advance.  And yes, in order to sign up for the "free" app you have to provide all kinds of information beyond your name- your address, sex, age, information concerning your income and BANK ROUTING NUMBER which of course will be used to quickly (and conveniently!) put the money you want "advanced" into your account so you can fill that tank, never mind that you just handed really sensitive information to anonymous people operating a sleazy loan shark operation.  You got your gas money!

You can also transfer money for a "low flat fee" ($2.99 to $5.99) which far exceeds the transfer costs of Paypal, Venmo or any other service which caters to people who have credit cards and good credit scores.  Telling me that Dailypay is going to be really popular among those people who use Green Dot Cards, Money Orders and Pawn Shops to get along month to month.  So I guess if you have a Smart Phone, you've got a quick loan to help you gloss over the fact that you're drowning in this awesome, "recovering" economy.  But seriously, woman, you don't have to be so nonchalant about the fact that you technically don't have to make your money last paycheck to paycheck because you can use your phone to take out a high-interest loan.  I'd rather you be at least a LITTLE sad about this instead of acting like this is all just no big deal and Life is Good.