Friday, December 31, 2021

What's in my wallet? The last Commercial Curmudgeon post of 2021, that's what!


1.  As far as I'm concerned, there are two very obvious signs that the middle class is sinking in financial security and that this situation is becoming the New Normal.  The first sign is the rapidly growing popularity Online Betting "Services" becoming standardized by full-length commercials featuring well-known stars of television, music and film.  The second is a succession of "get paid two days early" ads like this one.  If getting your hands on your paycheck 48 hours earlier than usual is this important to you, you've got problems that a bank simply won't solve, people, and maybe you should give that some consideration.

2.  The "first gift" this spoiled rotten little girl is going to "open" doesn't need to be "opened" at all.  It's a freaking pony.  Who the hell thought it was a good idea to "gift-wrap" it?  When was this done, and how was the pony hidden before the party?  Where is this pony going to live- it looks like this house is in the suburbs?  How do those other kids feel about the gifts they brought basically being dirt underneath this girl's shoe at this point?  Seriously, Capital One, what the actual hell?

Wendy's asks us to"wisely?"


Probably not a great idea for this guy to spend so much time thinking about what a horrible shambles his life has become, considering that he's so disgusted with the lack of quality in the greasy mcmuffin-something he picked up on the way to work that he's sitting in the parking lot at work contemplating it before attempting to toss it out the opposite window.  For one thing, he'd have to wonder why he didn't act like any other inconsiderate idiot on the planet and just toss it out the window next to him instead of attempting to heave it across to the passenger side.  For another, he'd have to consider the fact that he had ample time to make himself a nutritious breakfast at home instead of asking some kid trying to save money for college to throw together a clump of warm soggy carbohydrates and fat while you waited in the drive-thru instead.  I mean, you aren't being especially productive at the moment, are you?

On the other hand, one could argue that this guy is doing all right if he can put off going to work long enough to dissect his 7-11 microwaved sandwich thing, throw it away, and then cart his expanding butt off to Wendy's to get TWO slightly more appetizing diabetes enablers thrown together by a different teenager trying to save for college.  Seriously, this guy's got nothing but time on his hands.  Brings me back to that original thought about maybe just making breakfast at home?  Sure would make a good New Year's Resolution, now that the gyms are in the process of closing again. 

Thursday, December 30, 2021

No, Celebrity Cruises, it really isn't actually....


Yeah, I get that people are anxious to get back to vacationing.  I have been waiting to go on a paid-for trip to Croatia since June 2020.  So while I will never understand the attraction of traveling via floating hotel/casino/restaurant, I totally get the idea of doing something other than Staying At Home.  

But a cruise ship where you're basically trapped with hundreds of other people for days at a time as you all crawl from one tourist destination to another while COVID is still, not at all.  I've never wanted to get away THAT badly.  Cruises have always looked like a colossal bore anyway.  A colossal bore which includes denied entry into included destinations, the possibility of serious illness and quarantine, all for much, much more than I'll pay for air travel and hotels on any of my trips to Europe.  Oh but I don't get the casinos and the big pools which I'd miss if I ever wanted to just hang out in a giant hotel with a bunch of mostly old (I don't care what they show in these ads, the average cruise ship passenger is a wealthy 50-year old white guy) tourists who are on cruises because God Knows Why- they can't find their preferred strain of COVID in their home suburbs, or what?

Wednesday, December 29, 2021

Duracell thinks this is funny?


If I have to spend any time at all explaining why this is a horrible commercial demonstrating horrible parenting of a horrible brat created by that horrible parenting, I just give up on my audience.  Seriously, people, figure it out.

Meanwhile, I will agree with one YouTube commentator who points out that this ad is basically condemning the standard (and still available for sale) version of this product as inferior, downright sanity-threatening garbage when the stakes are really, really high (and when the loss of battery power will result in your daughter throwing an unholy fit and thrashing about like she's been bitten by a rabid dog, the stakes are really, really high.)  I really hope that this dad is driving this daughter to a therapist or to the adoption agency so that her care can be taken up by competent adults who don't want to inflict another horrible, uncontrollable brat upon the world.  Because this...this is just awful.

Sunday, December 26, 2021

This vintage Carnation Instant Breakfast commercial is a Triumvirate of Wrong.


1.  You're gonna love it for an instant.  Then the taste is going to catch up to you and you're going to be wondering why you didn't wake up 20 minutes earlier so you'd have time to make yourself a decent breakfast.  Or why you didn't wake up 2 minutes earlier so you could sit down and have a bowl of cereal.

2.  You're gonna be full for an instant (maybe.)  Then you're going to be really hungry and finding yourself pulling into the McDonald's drive-thru on the way to the office and wondering why you bothered to rush off to work if you're just going to waste time buying breakfast on the way anyway. 

3.  You're gonna be spilling that glass of chocolate milk all over you in an instant.  Seriously, buddy, cup holders were not really made to hold large glasses.   You think you're getting to work without it all over your suit?  And when that happens, you think you won't be reminding yourself that if you had just set the alarm for 2 minutes earlier you could have just consumed that stuff in your kitchen and left the glass in the sink?  That would have spared you looking like a disorganized idiot to the rest of the guys in the office AND a large dry cleaning bill.  

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Walmart: There's no Halfway. This Christmas, Go Full Stupid.


No matter what else you do this holiday season, don't forget to constantly jam your ugly mug into your phone while you prance around and make a total ass of yourself for posterity (don't remind yourself that once it's on the web, it's Forever.)  Never put down your phone because if you do, you might miss a "moment" that needs to be captured on your phone and shared and (probably) never revisited or thought about ever, ever again.  (Remember that moments are to be Captured and Shared, never Experienced or Enjoyed!)

Friday, December 24, 2021

On it's Thirtieth Anniversary, This is Still My All-Time Favorite Holiday Commercial


"So much shopping to do for my family before Christmas, what do I buy everyone?  Especially since there's so many people, and I want to buy something for myself too!  What a dilemma!"

"Wait!  I've got it!  I'll buy everybody in my family EYEGLASSES and CONTACT LENSES!  That's a GREAT IDEA!  I mean, I remember how much they all appreciated those flu vaccines I got them for their birthdays, and when I treated them to new Corrective Shoes even though I had already bought them shoes several years ago for absolutely no reason!"

"I mean, what could make a better gift than something that will cut down on their headaches and their walking into things like walls and traffic and may even improve their school grades?  What a great mom I am! Maybe next year I'll buy them all haircuts for Christmas- as long as I can do it and still have money to buy myself something, of course!"

Meanwhile, I'm guessing that this woman is spending Christmas 2021 wondering why her kids and grandchildren never visit anymore.  Maybe it's the Omicron variant?  No, wait- they haven't visited for a decade.  Must be something else.  

Tuesday, December 21, 2021

Lexus Brings the Awful, just in time for Christmas!


At the end of this ad we see that this little girl actually does have parents, and is not being raised by her grandmother who sleeps most of the day and leaves her to her own devices.  I wasn't sure- until that last scene, it looks for all the world that this kid is completely unsupervised through the day, as she is able to haul wires and decorations outside and make an elaborate "landing strip" for the Lexus she wants for some inexplicable reason.*

And of course "it worked! It worked!" because luxury cars do happen to find their way to the driveways of rich people, don't they?  In this case, the Lexus apparently came with a price, though, since the "landing strip" has completely vanished overnight, replaced by this ridiculous car and a giant bow. 

And now that this little girl thinks she can manipulate Santa into dropping very expensive items into her yard, what's coming up next year?  I'm assuming she won't be using this awesome power to summon a cure for grandma's Alzheimer's, or an end to COVID, or anything super-selfish like that.  Especially when she gets a look at the 2023 Audis.  

*maybe she heard Mommy tell Daddy that she's leaving him right after the holidays unless he buys her a Lexus?  

Sunday, December 19, 2021

SuperBeets: Bipartisan Snake-- Um, Powder


A lot of the YouTube comments following this ad focus on it's host- Fox News talking head and NRA enthusiast Dana Loesch, and how they would or would not buy any product she promoted.  And I totally get that- I mean, if I came across a MyPillow and thought it was the most comfortable thing I'd ever rested my head on I still wouldn't buy one.  But I have too much to say about the rest of the ad, and the product itself, to reach for the low-hanging fruit.  So- you are dismissed, Ms Loesch.

We hear the term "healthy energy" a couple of times in this commercial, and I seriously have no idea what that means.  In what way is energy "healthy" or "unhealthy?"  Having energy allows you to do things helpful OR harmful to your health.  So it's just a nonsense phrase.  We might as well hear the phrase "positive vibes," but I'm guessing that there wasn't enough money in the budget to convince Ms. Loesch to utter that level of hipster doofus woo.  Almost, but not quite.  So we get "healthy energy" instead.

This stuff is just powdered beet juice.  Beets are high in antioxidants.  They are good for you, especially if you want to reduce inflammation of the joints.  They are vegetables.  They are good for you.  Wait, I said that already.  But this doesn't mean they are "super foods" because there's no such thing.  They aren't a magic bullet to restore youthful energy (or even "healthy energy,") they won't accelerate brain function and they won't turn you from a couch potato to an Olympic athlete.  They are just beets. 

They won't do any harm, that's for sure.  But buying into "SuperBeets" will cause harm to your wallet- this junk is $40 per shipment, and each shipment is a "month's worth" (who determines how much you need per month? Why, this company of course) and to get that "special deal" you have to get a SUBSCRIPTION which sends a jar of powdered beets to your door every thirty days.  That's forty dollars you could spend on 6-8 three-pound bags of frozen fruit at the grocery store (like I do.)  For powdered beets.  Uh huh.

Fact is, this crap will do nothing for you that a balanced diet with lots of fruits and veggies, little or no processed sugar, and limited fats and carbs won't do much better.  And it'll even make it more likely that you get regular moderate exercise (probably because of the "healthy energy" you'll feel.)  And you won't have to go broke as part of the bargain.  A double win!

But who am I to disagree with Dana Loesch?  After all, SuperBeets are something both she and Thom Hartman shill for (I mean, Endorse Wholeheartedly Because They've Seen The Results Firsthand.)  If a Trumpist and a Bernie Bro agree, how could they be wrong?

Saturday, December 18, 2021

How about "Diabetes EZ Pass?"


Or "Heart Attack Fuel?"

Or "Obesity Express Lane?"

Or "Afternoon at the Office Sleep Assist?"

Or "Roadblock to Universal Health Care/This is Why Americans Can't Have Nice Things?"

Or "Latest Contribution to the Problem?"

Any one of these would be more accurate than "Five Dollar Grande Crunch Up Meal," where the only accurate word is "Crunch," to describe this Unnecessary, Disgusting Carbohydrate and Fat Overload.*

*Hey, I just came up with another one!!

Friday, December 17, 2021

WynnBET, Ben Affleck, Shaquille O'Neal, and our modern Rake's Progress


This is the kind of commercial that makes me wish that well-known actors and sports figures would just stick to whoring for credit card companies, high-interest furniture rental, high-priced car insurance, and BS "Medicare" insurance coverage. 

Yeah, gambling is a "team sport," the "team" being your dependents who kind of count on you to be responsible with your hard-earned money because they kind of need it to keep a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs, and the heat on.  When you let multi-millionaires who are just picking up another paycheck (and keeping their faces in the public eye) talk you into feeding your gambling addiction, you are inevitably going to let your team down.  That is, you're going to lose a lot more than you win- the House doesn't get rich by losing money, stupid.

I imagine there's more than one App out there for people struggling with gambling addiction.  Maybe download that and leave WynnBET with it's awful manipulative ads which try to convince you that by betting on sporting events you become part of a "team" and therefore make your life more "fun."  You know, just like smoking and drinking hard liquor, except instead of eventually being bankrupted by cancer treatments or ending up in rehab as part of a court order after you kill someone with your car, you end up losing your home and your family because you broke their trust in you because you were too focused on having fun with that other "team."  

And it all started so innocently, didn't it?  Just download the App.  Make a few fun bets ("bet responsibly," remember.  Says so in tiny tiny letters at the bottom of the screen.)  Feel the dopamine rush when you win a few times.  Get angry at YOURSELF (not WynnBET) when you lose most of the time.  Engage in Sunk Cost Fallacy when you bet "just a little more."  Find yourself on this damn thing at least an hour a day instead of being with your actual friends and family.  Take out another credit card to use exclusively for your WynnBETTING because your wife is concerned and what she doesn't know won't hurt her.  Trash your credit score.  Get a letter from a divorce attorney explaining why you haven't seen your wife or kids for the past few days.  

I'm sure Affleck and O'Neal and will be there to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered life; they're your "team," after all.  If not, Fear Not- there's Caesar's Sportsbook ready to take your money when you're ready to start digging yourself out of that hole.

Sunday, December 12, 2021

What planet does Rocket Mortgage operate out of?


I mean, can we get real for a second?  Unless this place is oddly located in downtown Detroit, surrounded by burned-out, condemned buildings currently occupied by a diverse mix of rats and meth labs, $275,000 is going to be about as helpful in buying it as a chip of ice is for someone lost in Death Valley.  

Come on, Rocket Mortgage.  Assuming that Americans are your target audience, could you at least try to make a commercial that suggests that it's taking place within the borders of the United States?  Nobody is pricing gigantic condominiums with 12-foot ceilings and ridiculously generous square footage- let alone houses- for $275,000 anywhere that also includes Jobs and a reasonable opportunity to walk to the mailbox without being mugged or shot on a daily basis.  Here in the real world, this couple shows the realtor that they have been approved for $275,000 and are told "great, just come up with a little more, and you'll have a decent down payment!"  That is, if they aren't just laughed out of there altogether. 

And no, I'm not even going to take on the "mascots" angle.  Because that's the most reality-based part of the whole damn ad.  I'd bet on suddenly being entertained by a group of idiots in mascot costumes over being able to buy this place for $275,000 every day of the week and twice on Sundays. 

Saturday, December 11, 2021

That TD Ameritrade Airport Commercial


I'm so glad that these two disgusting, money-obsessed creeps will be able to spend how many hours they'll be in Business Class (with access to 120 channels of music and movies right in front of them on a screen that I suspect will be set on CNBC even though they plan to have their eyes glued to their stupid phones the entire trip) locked like zombies into their TDAmeritrade Apps now that their personal TD guy accompanied them to the airport (and sat with them in the Executive Suite Waiting Area) to show them how to download it.  Now all we need is a well-placed mountain parked in front of their plane, and everyone gets to enjoy a happy ending. 

Friday, December 10, 2021

Indeed I Don't


I'm guessing that the shipping manager isn't leaving to "find herself"- that's just a stupid-snarky, clueless take from a boss's perspective:  She was a good sales manager, but flaky as hell so one day she decided to just go quit on me and my Very Important Business Because She's Flaky As Hell along with being Disloyal to My Vision.  I'm guessing instead that the shipping manager is off to make more money doing something else, and her leaving could have been avoided if the owner of this Very Important Business was willing to part with a little more of her Very Important (and Hard-Earned) Money. 

Instead, the owner "needs Indeed."  As the commercials insist on bleating, Indeed She Does.  But why does she need Indeed NOW, and not, say, two weeks ago when she found out that her shipping manager was quitting to "find herself?"  If that shipping manager didn't give any notice, well, sorry, but I'm 99 percent sure that's the Owner's fault- it sure doesn't suggest a strong employer-employee relationship.  And if she DID give plenty of notice- again, why hasn't the Owner signed up with Indeed to find a replacement worker drone before the shipping manager was walking off with a cliche'd box of Whatever She Had On Her Desk?  You're a terrible businesswoman, Very Important Business Owner.

All of these Indeed commercials are obnoxious, including the ones on the radio (which are 99 percent of the ones I actually hear.)  They all involve Full-of-themselves business owners who are overwhelmed with demand who sound frustrated that they can't get their limited staff to do more work so that the owners can keep more money.  They all involve these business owners promising more than they can deliver and then worrying about how they are going to fulfill eagerly-accepted contracts after the fact.  In other words, they all involve grasping, greedy business people who are humble-bragging about being so successful that they need to make their businesses bigger with more employees.  I don't care about any of them and I want them to stop with their faux whining already. 

Sunday, December 5, 2021

Verizon, Kate McKinnon, and that existential question: WHY?


I don't believe for one minute that anyone would actually dump Verizon because of these horrible, obnoxious commercials featuring a ridiculously aggressive (oh, excuse me, "Quirky") Kate McKinnon dashing about pointing at people and their stupid phones when not jamming her face into the camera.  Nor do I believe for one minute that anyone would SWITCH to Verizon based on these stupid ads.  So I have to assume that someone at Verizon just decided that it would be fun to hand a woman who doesn't need the financial assistance a big pile of money to do a series of ads that basically result in a wash for the company's bottom line.  The only logical result of any of this is that Verizon's customers are irritated, Verizon's non-customers are irritated, and Kate McKinnon's bank account is even happier. 

As a Verizon customer who is not going to go through the bother of changing carriers, I'd like Verizon to at least know that I am going to continue to send them money only for that reason.  It's not an endorsement of this noxious stupidity.  I'd start writing that on every check from now on except I doubt anyone over there cares, and I pay my bill electronically anyway.  So I guess I'm just going to keep on being a voice in the wilderness here. 

This 7-11 Commercial is celebrating low expectations, I guess


What planet is this 7-11 on?  Every one I have ever been to features coffee in giant urns which may or may not have been cleaned since the Obama Administration (it's hard to tell from the taste) and which may or may not dispense actual HOT coffee which may or may not be actual coffee and not just coffee-flavored water.  Every one I have ever been to features "soda fountains" which dispense a little soda and a lot of water.  Every one has as it's only real selling point Relatively Cheap and Reasonably Fast.  Notice that you did not read the word "Quality" anywhere in that selling point.

Nothing about a visit to 7-11 has ever made me want to dance.  This would make slightly more sense if one of these kids was seen purchasing a scratch-off ticket (I forgot; this is another selling point of 7-11s: an almost infinite variety of perforated cardboard with pretty pictures on it you can purchase for anywhere from $4 to $20 each) and actually winning more money than the ticket cost.  But there's no hint of this anywhere.  They are just dancing around a 7-11 parking lot* because they bought lukewarm, watered-down coffee and watery soda?  Seriously?  

*which is devoid of cars.  In the middle of the day.  Another thing I don't associate with visiting any 7-11 I've ever seen. 

Saturday, December 4, 2021

Checkers is out to punish Erin.


This monstrosity weighs in at more than 1400 calories, more than one-third of which come from FAT.   So if Erin "earned" this, she must have done something terribly, terribly wrong offscreen.

We know enough about the psychological and physical impact of fat-laden foods to realize that Erin is very likely to feel bloated and exhausted- if not downright depressed- after consuming this greasy pile of junk from Checker's.  So what "Mother Crunching" thing did you do to deserve this, Erin?  

Friday, December 3, 2021

That Capital One Commercial featuring the Levys


Eugene Levy is playing a Boomer here and he is, in fact, a Boomer, born at the very end of 1946.  

And that's where the Realism of this ad ends.

Eugene Levy is worth $20 million.  I really don't see him being all that concerned with the price of automobiles and, at 75, he's probably about as familiar with all the options that come with today's cars as a turtle is about 5G.  It would make about as much sense for his daughter to seek advice from that turtle about how to go about picking out a new car than it does about her asking a guy who was born during the Truman Administration.

Speaking of that daughter- that's a pretty substantial house she seems to be living in.  There's pretty solid evidence here that she kind of knows what she's doing.  She's thirty-five years old and she's living on her own.  She can probably manage to buy a freaking car.  Especially since she's Sarah Levy, a successful actor in her own right.  So really- this is kind of dumb.  Which, considering how I usually view commercials, is actually pretty high praise. 

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

And I honestly don't even know what Serena Williams is being used to sell here.


You'd think that maybe the second or third time this jackass treated his female friend like she's a mentally ill child who can't quite grasp the concept of being able to change channels using a remote that woman would simply get up and walk out, or at least tell him to Shut The F--k Up because this ability has existed since the 1980s at least.  Instead, she sits there with her mouth slightly open as if that's the orifice she takes in entertainment with, so maybe he just knows her well enough to realize that this really is the proper way to explain the concept to her.

So we get Serena Williams in a Wonder Woman outfit hitting tennis balls, because this is amusing to the YouTube mouth-breathers who may or may not be related to the woman in this ad.  She finds this astonishing, which, again...yeah, I take back my criticism of the way this guy talked to his female friend.  Tomorrow he'll be explaining to her how toast works. 

Sunday, November 28, 2021

KFC: It's cheaper than a gun, after all...


Deep-fried chicken AND Macaroni and Cheese AND oily biscuits AND French Fries?  You got a serious death wish there, buddy!!

Eight pieces of chicken:  At least 2800 calories.
Macaroni and Cheese side:  560 calories.
4 biscuits:  720 calories.
French Fries:   800 calories.

Total= approximately 5000 calories.  Assuming that this "meal" is supposed to be for four people (and that's a very generous assumption) that's half a day's suggested requirement for an adult male in a single meal.  Never mind the sodium and cholesterol counts, which I'd look up except that I just finished seven and a half hours in a car to get back to the area from Thanksgiving break and I need a nap.  

And they forgot the corn bread!!

Saturday, November 27, 2021

Chevy just loves dangling Stupid Objects in front of us.


The first dozen times I was hit over the head with this stupid one-obvious-joke frying pan of an ad I had the horrible sinking feeling that if I went over to YouTube I would find that thousands of my fellow countrymen just thought it was THE FUNNIEST BEST COMMERCIAL EVER LOL CAUSE IT GOT A CAT AND I LOVE CAT I HAVE CAT followed by 200 idiot cat owners (oh excuse me, cat servants in the blubbering language of the cat person) taking any opportunity that presents itself to gush about their own cats.

And, sure enough, I found exactly that- a long line of drooling, bottom-feeding idiots trying to outdo each other gushing about how much they love this ad.  Because Cat.  Because they have Cat.  Because I had Husband named Walter He Dead Now (no kidding, one commenter actually went there.)  

And then someone wrote "does Cat come with Truck," which set off a long stream of "I want Cat with truck" and "I went to Dealer Couldn't Find Version Comes with Cat," responded to with "Maybe Cat is Option," "Cat Should Be Option," and many more versions of "I Need Let Know I More Stupid Than You" than you can shake a stick at.

All over a dumb truck ad with a joke anyone with an IQ room temperature could see coming from two miles down the road.  Seriously, people.  Can we please just stop now?

Friday, November 26, 2021

Netflix Presents: And This Is Why The World Is Fat


The World (to be precise, the Western World, which to be fair is the only world that counts because it's the world that can afford Netflix) is on Netflix.  Which is probably a big reason why the world is sedentary.  And why the world is on Insulin.  And why the world's average lifespan has leveled off and is actually declining for the first time in 700 years.  No, Netflix can't be given all the credit.  But it deserves it's share for encouraging so many of us to just sit still, doesn't it?

Thursday, November 25, 2021

A Stupid, Sad, Sloppy-Drunk Thanksgiving Day, recommended by Crown Royal Canadian Whiskey


It's 12:59 in the afternoon, so....start drinking whiskey?

That's the recipe for a very happy Thanksgiving for some people.  Some very sad, very lonely people.  Let's be thankful on this day if we aren't one of them.  And let's hope that if these people do have loved ones, their holiday isn't disrupted by the hard drinkers who have decided that they should start the hard liquor pouring before the first of three NFL games scheduled for the day gets underway.

Wendy's is out to kill us


This ridiculous pile of (I assume very tasty) garbage packs 710 calories, 52% of which is derived from Fat.  That's 41 grams of fat, 16 grams of which is Saturated Fat.   If that's not quite bad enough, it also "provides" 1400 grams of sodium- or more than half the MAXIMUM RDA for sodium.  

But wait, there's more!

You can also get a DOUBLE Bourbon Bacon Cheese Fat Murderburger, which clocks in at 970 calories.  Or you can go full-on F--k It I'm Done and get the TRIPLE version, which has 1280 calories, 86 grams of fat and 1940 grams of sodium.  Want fries with that?  Of course you do!  And don't forget the large Coke, or perhaps a milkshake?  And don't forget dessert!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  This is one of the main reasons we can't have Universal Health Care:  We simply can't afford it.  Not only can we not afford the extra health care costs that come with obesity, but we can't afford to remove the last shred of incentive for these ridiculous chow hounds to get a grip on what they eat.  I'm sure there are people out there who have cut back on shoveling junk down their cake holes for the sole purpose of lowering their insurance costs and avoiding the crippling bills that come from being dependent on insulin, or are at least concerned that they might in the near future need a mobility scooter that isn't 100 percent covered by their plan.  Enact Universal Health Care and those people who don't give a damn about their looks OR their ability to tie their shoes without flop-sweating will celebrate with a trip to the Drive-Thru because F-- Your Beauty Standards You Fatphobic F--k, or something. 

Sunday, November 21, 2021

Apple really knows it's audience.


Because of course the Phone of Choice for a $10-per-hour Bike Delivery Monkey is the $1200 Apple iPhone 13.  Either Apple has no idea how much people make, or Apple is very, very familiar with the spending choices of people determined to be poor, or Apple is very, very familiar with the typical twenty-something's idea of what a "necessity" is.  

Seriously, buddy- you don't need the latest Status Flasher from Apple to do your job.  You need a $79 Garmin you can pick up on Amazon or at Walmart.  Oh but that doesn't come with three cameras you don't need, either, plus it doesn't show well for your friends,* so I guess that's out, huh?

*So I guess we know where this guy's stimulus check went, don't we?  Not paying back rent.  Not taking care of some bills that had backed up during the Pandemic.  Not Savings.  Nope, that check went right to the newest shiny toy that had the awesome power to make this guy forget that he's a poor shmuck with absolutely no sense or thought for tomorrow because if another "unexpected" bill comes up, well, that's what relatives or government aid is there for, right?  

Saturday, November 20, 2021

This Fansville "Bouquet Toss" Commercial simply doesn't work


(To be fair, none of these lame "Fansville" Dr. Pepper commercials really work, for a number of reasons.  First, not only are they all one-joke, one-beat garbage, but the one joke is always the same joke.  Second, that one joke isn't funny.)

This particular Dr. Pepper commercial fails for two ADDITIONAL reasons:

1.  It plays on the "desperate to be a bride" trope.  You know, the one where extremely attractive young women long to be swept off their feet by any fat doofus with a ring (and maybe a great iPhone package?) who comes around to offer them escape from their Last Name and a life of child-bearing and child-rearing in a suburban McMansion.  That one.  The one that's been played to death and (I hope) hasn't aged well at all.  It's 2021, television.  Women have goals that don't revolve around a guy and a house and kids. 

2.  It invents it's own trope which doesn't fit with the first one, suggesting that MEN are JUST AS ANXIOUS to get married and will mug each other to get that garter once the groom tosses it in the air.  Excuse me, but this makes negative sense in the universe you yourself created.  If those beautiful young women are desperate to get married, and those doofus fat men are equally desperate to get married, why don't they....I don't know, I'm just reaching here...MARRY EACH OTHER?  After all, these women clearly just want to get married and really don't care who offers the ring.  And these men are NOT going to do better than these beautiful young women.  Seriously, what the actual hell??

Friday, November 19, 2021

Truth in Advertising laws would require the sign above the door to read "Abandon Hope, all ye that enter."


Here's another one of those otherworldly AT&T ads featuring one a glowing, spotlessly clean store, exactly one customer, and AT&T employees who look like they HAVEN'T been on their feet for eight hours dealing with 200 angry, frustrated, sweating people who have been waiting for their name to show up on a screen to let them know that they haven't been lost in the system and will, eventually, get a chance to be told that no, they can't get the problem they have with their phone fixed unless they Upgrade to a more expensive plan. 

As usual, the customer is Already With AT&T but No Problem, she's eligible for whatever BS offer AT&T is offering this week in a desperate attempt to keep up with the competition, which figured out quite some time ago that Lily is nice to look at but no reason to maintain "loyalty" to a freaking phone service provider when there are a dozen other similarly priced packages out there offering the same thing that don't have to pay an actress whose Fifteen Minutes ran out three years ago.  AT&T isn't in any position to favor new customers over old when all their competitors are lining up to offer to pay their way out of any contract if you agree to jump over.

Because- know what?  AT&T stores don't look like this in real life.  They look like T-Mobile stores and Cricket stores and Sprint stores- they are hot, crowded and staffed by damp, limp, exhausted young people trying to balance school with the need to earn a paycheck who have a limited knowledge of phones but are well-versed in contract limitations and the concept that those paychecks depend on signing up a certain number of people each shift.  Nobody in their right mind would just stroll into one of these stores for no reason and, in fact, anyone with half a brain dreads having to walk into that door, because they know it's going to be a long wait for any help at all and odds are at least even that you'll walk out having accomplished absolutely nothing.  If you're tired enough when you walk in, you might even walk out having signed something you didn't read that's going to cost you much more than you realize. 

Wednesday, November 17, 2021

Lexus "Modern Family" commercial suggests that at least one car company has NO idea what's going on out there


I guess that Lexus thinks "Modern" equals "Ridiculously wealthy."  It's not enough that this family has a tricked-out Lexus with "stealth mode" (seriously, what is the purpose of this "feature," anyway?  Just to not wake up your kids when you get home?  For real?  Because I can tell you that the people who drive past my house have zero interest in "stealth mode."  More like "I need to let everyone in this neighborhood know what crap taste I have in 'music' mode.")  Look at that house.  Come on.  How is this at all relatable to anyone?

And as for that daughter- shut the f--k up, little girl.  Your stupid-rich parents don't have to dash home from parent-teacher conferences if they don't want to.  They are adults- even if they do act like naughty children trying to sneak back into their own house.  Go back to your bedroom in the palace they provide for you.  And thank the genetic lottery for your ridiculous privileged life.  You all make me sick.  Seriously. 

Sunday, November 14, 2021

Hey look- it's Jake from State Farm hanging out with one of his vaccinated "friends."


It's my understanding that the original "Jake" from the "Jake from State Farm" ads which first appeared back in 2011 was an actual State Farm employee who answered a casting call and landed the spot which many viewers found mildly amusing a few times (in television lexicon, that means "captured our hearts" and "became a cultural icon," because of course Television.)

And it's also my understanding that when State Farm decided to bring the character back (sort of; he's so different, I kind of wonder why they even went with the name "Jake" and didn't just invent a new character) they decided to go with someone with acting experience, because apparently being a grinning toady stalker who bleats the same lines in every single ad requires acting experience- more acting experience than that original guy could have ever hoped to achieve.  I mean, just one viewing of any of the "new" Jake from State Farm Commercials should convince anyone that the guy playing Jake probably has at least a decade of theater experience, probably even Broadway, am I right?

And State Farm is so determined that the new Jake become as iconic as the old one (how hard could that be?) that a recent State Farm-sponsored "story" about the new guy playing Jake (Kevin something.  I don't care) "assures" us that he's "here to stay," like we're supposed to be concerned, or something.  

But my question is, what is it about this role that made State Farm believe it needed to be filled with a "professional actor" in the first place?  Jake has one look- a squinty eyed, bemused level of smarm delivered with a grin that makes any sane person want to punch him square in the face.  He has the emotional range of Michael B Jordan or his female equivalent, Alicia Vikander.  He has at most three lines.  The same three lines.  In every ad.  This requires talent?  

Oh, but this guy is in much better shape than the original Jake, who didn't hang around with celebrities like a starstruck lickspittle but just sat in his cubicle doing his job.  I'm guessing that when it comes to actual employees, State Farm would prefer that they act like the first Jake and doesn't really care if they have good muscle tone because- well, they're just supposed to be answering calls, not f--king off with Patrick Mahomes, Aaron Rodgers (I bet he wishes he had worn a mask) or anyone else on the company's time. 

Saturday, November 13, 2021

Chase Business Complete Banking, Zach and Zoe, and the American Dream of Money for Nothing


Zach and Zoe are typical of millions of Americans who dream of someday not getting up and going to an honest job to do an honest day's work but instead grift their way to success by finding a niche market to sell a non-product to a gullible public which has money because it gets up every day and goes to an honest job, decided one day after visiting a farmer's market that hey, why can't they sell something to stupid rich white people?

Zach and Zoe then decided that they needed an attractive "origin story" that didn't involve anything I posted in the first paragraph because that just sounds awful.  "I wasn't satisfied with what was available out there" has been done to death, and besides, it's not like thousands of people out there aren't already selling honey, so they went with "this all started when we discovered the benefits of local honey."* Huh.  That's interesting, for two reasons:  First, if Zach and Zoe "discovered the benefits of local honey," that means that someone local was already selling local honey.  So what they "decided" to do was try to steal someone else's hustle.  Much easier than being original, I guess.  But second, don't hold your breath waiting to hear what those "benefits" are, because you're not going to.  Probably because the Benefits of Local Honey boils down to "suburban idiots think that local honey has benefits, which means they'll buy it."  The actual Benefit lies in the gullibility of people with money.

That doesn't sound good, so let's just focus on how easy it is to scam the public into buying your bee poo packaged in cutesy-quaint glass jars by partnering with Chase Business Complete Banking- specifically, how important it is to complete the transaction quickly, before that public has a chance to realize that it's paying for overpriced bee excrement because it has undefined Benefits which have never been defined and are certainly not going to be by these smiling entrepreneurs who just want to call themselves business people Never You Damn Mind that they have Nothing to Sell.** 

And to top off this stupid celebration of Capitalism, we get a scene where Zach and Zoe are feeding honey to their children because Of Course They Are.  

*and can we be honest for a second, please?  Zach and Zoe will drop that "local honey" BS the moment they have the opportunity to take this grift national.   How are they going to go about selling their crap as "local honey" when Nestle offers to add it as a subdivision and market it everywhere?  Think Zach and Zoe will give a flying damn when they are rolling in cold hard cash?  Me neither. 

**I've lived in a Dark Blue Suburb for enough years to know that there's NOTHING that upper-class white people appreciate more than the opportunity to purchase ANYTHING being sold by a smiling black family at a farmer's market, where everyone they know can see them doing it.  Because nothing brings a suburban white person closer to nirvana than patronizing a black-owned business, especially when that black-owned business is being run by a black family that looks like they just stepped out of the background shots of a Hallmark Christmas movie.  All these guys have to do is offer "Hate Has No Home Here" yard signs free with every purchase over $20 and they'll totally clean up, every time. 

Friday, November 12, 2021

T-Mobile's stupid "Switch Proposal" ad isn't even Original Garbage.


You know, this guy may as well just propose marriage right now.  First, he'll never be more excited about anything than switching to T-Mobile, so why not just ride that enthusiasm right into another commitments?  Second, it's pretty obvious that this woman- though surprised at the notion of being proposed to, I mean, just go back and look at her posture when she thinks he's about to pull out a ring- will respond with a "yes."  She's so obviously desperate- she's with this breathlessly enthusiastic-over-a-freaking-phone dweeb, after all- she'd probably accept a proposal from the waiter if he said anything that sounded anything close to one.  I'm guessing this is at least the fourth time she thought this guy was about to propose, and the first time was on their first date. 

By the way, haven't I seen this almost exact same commercial before, either for T-Mobile or another mobile service?  I'm sure I have- the only difference was that the guy was giving a smartphone to his date and begging her to sign up with him because the phone was free with a new contract, or something.  That was gross.  This is at least as bad.  

Wednesday, November 10, 2021

Slope County, North Dakota: This month's Capital of Dumb


Slope County is the smallest county in the state of North Dakota by population, with some 767 residents according to the 2010 census.  It's predominately (98%) white, with most residents claiming German as their primary ethnicity.  It's not especially poor, with a median income of $43,000 in an area where $43,000 is a decent annual salary.  The county hasn't voted for a Democrat for President since 1964 and gave 89% of it's vote to Donald Trump in 2020.

Only 10 percent of the residents of Slope County North Dakota is fully vaccinated against COVID-19.  That's currently the worst rate in the entire country.  Only 12 percent of adults are vaccinated, and less than one in four SENIORS are vaccinated.  This is a place with no hills, no trees, no large bodies of water and, apparently, no brains.  It does, however, have a lot of "peace and quiet" according to the YouTube commenters, which is pretty damning praise for a county full of knuckle-dragging loons who refuse to vaccinate against a highly contagious, very deadly disease.   I suspect that American flags and MAGA caps outnumber libraries by a wide margin in Slope County North Dakota.  I'm guessing that Joe Biden is referred to the "alleged" president among the six percent of the residents who know what "alleged" means and as the "fake woke" president by pretty much everyone else.  And I'm guessing that a significant majority of them are still convinced that Hillary is coming for their guns, any day now. 

Oh well, at least Slope County North Dakota is 1700 miles from my house and unless there's another call for an insurrection against the US government nobody from there is likely to visit my neighborhood any time soon.  So other than this post, I'll just let the Stupid Citizens of Slope County North Dakota alone and hope they keep enjoying their freedom- right there in Slope County North Dakota and absolutely nowhere else.   The rest of us are trying to have a society, after all. 

Sunday, November 7, 2021

George Foreman joins the "I'll do anything for a buck" parade by pitching Select Advisor


Anyone who watches daytime television- which means, basically, elderly people joined by a small population of lazy idiots who simply refuse to go back to work as long as they can milk the state or relatives for money- has been buried by these "Medicare Supplement Insurance" ads for years now.  They all feature men (haven't seen any females yet) who were household names in the 1970s - Joe Namath, JJ Walker, Danny Glover, and here's George Foreman- and whose appearance on television probably tweaks a nostalgia bone in the seniors or near-seniors watching the tube.  They all make their pitch with big smiles and earnest voices, urging the viewers to take advantage of all the "great benefits" they may be "missing" because they aren't using all the "Medicare Benefits" that they are entitled to.

What's really happening, of course, is that this sleazy non-insurance is hiding behind equally sleazy semi-celebrities - and the trusted name "Medicare"- to sell a non-product no elderly person actually needs.  Yes, the product is "free"- if you call giving a stranger your phone number, Social Security number, Medicare number and physical mailing address- making you a target for every other scammer who definitely will NOT let you off "FOR FREEEE" if they can get away with it- "free."  This "product" offers absolutely nothing you can't get simply by calling Medicare (it's the number on the back of the card, NOT the number on the TV screen) and asking a few questions.  And Medicare won't sell your number to grifters, go figure.  They also won't charge you for "extras" you are entitled to- which is where Select Advisor gets its money if the elderly person on the other end actually does agree to sign up.  They are the equivalent of an online "service" hiding behind what sure looks like the USPS logo offering to hold your mail for you for the low, low price of $15 per month.  But again, even if you DON'T sign up- they still have your personal information to sell to someone else. 

It wouldn't surprise me in the least to learn that Joe Namath and JJ Walker are in need of extra cash and this shameful gig was the best they could do- I mean, neither has been relevant in media for nearly fifty years (man, that's depressing to think about.  Now I'm depressed.)  But George Foreman, after retiring in 1977 having made some $10 million adjusted-for-inflation dollars, returned to the ring ten years later, made another $20 million in purses, rented his name to an electric grill company in exchange for 45% of the grill's profits (he says that he was making up to $8 million PER MONTH at one point,) took in $11 million in compensation for doing infomercials for the grill, and eventually sold out for $137 million.  His current net worth is estimated to be north of $200 million.  In short, HE DOESN'T NEED THIS MONEY.  Which leads me to conclude that HE JUST LIKES BEING ON TV and HE JUST REALLY, REALLY LIKES MONEY.  So much so that he's willing to lend his trusted face and name to Scammer Info Central.

Here's what I really don't get, though:  Why is any company allowed to use the trademarked term "Medicare" to pitch a product that is not in any way legally connected and approved by Medicare?  Oh right, because Capitalism and the fact that the United States has the most lax Truth in Advertising laws in the Western World.  At least we're Number One in something.  Too bad it has to be in something that victimizes thousands of innocent old people every year. 

Saturday, November 6, 2021

Domino's "Free" commercials remind us why we can't have nice things, like Universal Health Care


Just another "not surprised the comments are turned off it's so stupid" commercial....

Is it just me, or is there something really, really off-putting about watching a bunch of fat, listless suburbanites celebrating getting something extra-awful to go along with the pasty bland carbohydrate load they willingly handed over real money for?  I mean, I totally understand that if you're going to buy a disc of soggy dough, paste and the cheapest cheese available that comes delivered in a warm cardboard box you might be open to the idea of getting something for free along with it, but just look at the free stuff being offered and try to convince me it's anything to get excited about:  Lumps of things that look like sugar-topped chocolate lead weights and probably have the same impact on your stomach if you actually try to digest them.  More bland-as-hell warm bread.  Or just more of the pizza you apparently ordered while being of sound mind and body. 

And just in case we aren't transfixed and convinced by the witless knuckle-dragging slack-jawed yokels who haven't quite figured out how to use those kitchens which came with the houses they inexplicably live in, check out the lunatic who thought she was going to have an actual acting career screeching into a bullhorn about how Domino's is so damn desperate to shove poisonous garbage down America's Cake Hole it's willing to give several cents worth of that poisonous garbage away for free if you just add some stupid App to the 300 stupid Apps already on your phone because you have a phone with a ton of memory and you have no self-control.  And if SHE can't talk you into being hyped, well, we've got a really awful "band" playing "music" at you which is SO stupid it's dismissed by the waste of oxygen using the bullhorn. 

Yeah, sorry Bernie Sanders, but this is the reason why I'm not buying into Health Care for All.  Not as long as we're a nation of smokers, vapers, anti-vaxxers, drinkers and people who think that McDonald's, KFC, Papa John's and Domino's are restaurants and not Obesity/Suicide Assistance Centers.   No thanks, I'm not subsidizing that.

Thursday, November 4, 2021

So many stupid, pointless, witless, just plain dumb Questions from Hyundai


The only thing I'd be wondering if the person sitting next to me in the car started bleating these stupid non-questions is if I could manage to dig a shallow grave nearby without being spotted by pesky witnesses. Or why this car doesn't come with an ejector seat. 

These ads aren't clever, thought-provoking, or in any way effective at making me interested in purchasing a Hyundai, which I'm told are actually well-built cars that have more than enough positive attributes to fill a commercial.  Making BS like this beyond pointless.   And just think, someone got PAID to write this garbage. 

(BTW, I just realized that this is my 3000th commercial post!  So many terrible ads!)

Sunday, October 31, 2021

Obnoxious even for a Charles Schwab Commercial, and that's really saying something.


1.  This couple's new Charles Schwab broker can't see the Former Broker, except perhaps as a tiny image in the distance.  Online conferences don't work this way.  When the new broker says "hi" and waves, she's just assuming that her clients aren't insane and that there really is someone there to say "hi" to.  

2.  The new broker probably thinks her clients are insane.  Who could be so dickish as to do something like this?  "Oh hi, person we fired.  Say hi to the person who replaced you."  Seriously,  I'd just tell these people "f-- off, former clients.  I'm on vacation."

3.  And as long as I'm imagining what I would do if I were the Former Broker, I'd remind these dicktards that they are on vacation at a fabulous beach...and this person they are talking to on their little screen is their NEW broker.  That means that I wasn't doing such a bad job now, was I?  You ungrateful jackasses got yourself a gorgeous beach vacation but I guess that wasn't quite good enough, because you dumped me for a new broker who has done what exactly for you?  Snark on me if you are back at this vacation spot NEXT year, after you've given this new broker a chance to play with your money for a while.  And if you find that you aren't in the financial position to vacation here next year, well, sorry but my client list is full.  Go pound sand, you knobs!

Saturday, October 30, 2021

Bounty, the Quicker Bringer-Downer could, you know...just PICK UP THE LOTTERY TICKET.  Instead of screaming like a banshee as that liquid moves in slow motion toward it.

And because this is a commercial depicting life in the United States, we see a fat doofus jackass with an enormous house winning the lottery.  Never mind that people who own houses like this are the LEAST likely to be paying the Stupid Tax that is the lottery.  I mean, he's already got so much money that his long-suffering wife doesn't seem the slightest bit excited that potentially millions have been added to their already overflowing bank account.  

Friday, October 29, 2021

Santa Fe Squeegee Commercial is all kinds of Wrong

Wow, how f--ng entitled can you get?

This isn't complicated, you pompous moron:  If you want to use this gas station's services, you're going to have to make a purchase.  Squeegees and window washer and paper towels cost money.  Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, but it sure as hell means something to the guy who is operating this station on a paper-thin profit margin.  He doesn't run this place to give you somewhere to pull into, take up a space that could be used by paying customers, and consume products you aren't paying for.  What the actual hell- do you casually walk into stores to use the restrooms, swipe sugar packets from 7-11 and ketchup from McDonald's and respond "oh I've already got coffee/food, I'm good, I don't need anything thanks for asking?"  You really do think the world revolves around you and your virtue-signaling hybrid, don't you?

By the way, the hard-working gas station attendant who will never be able to afford a car like that wasted way too much time arguing with you about the use of HIS squeegee- much more time than I would have.  About the second time you repeated "no gas no squeegee?" I'm pretty sure I would have responded by telling you to pile your privileged ass back into your car and hit the road.  Instead he played along, and you thanked him for his patience by buying fifty cents worth of gas and giving him a smirk which was essentially a middle finger.  You could have at least bought a candy bar, but I suspect you would have insisted on carrying off fifty napkins and a plastic knife for your patronage.  

Sunday, October 24, 2021

That Lexus "Bearsquatch" commercial leaves me wishing for a flat tire and a pack of hungry bearsquatches...


Elitist Suburban White Family can't be happy just cruising around their neighborhood of million-dollar homes with their brand-new tricked-out Lexus; they have to use it to barrel through the home of countless woodland creatures, driving over what looks to be a hiking path and most certainly isn't a road at maybe 30 or 40 MPH.  While the narrator says something about "responsibility."  Yeah, something doesn't add up there.

Anyway, faux-rugged (check out the unbuttoned flannel shirt and five-days growth) Husband is listening to some podcast about an imaginary creature called a "Bearsquatch," because I guess this is something you're "supposed" to do while illegally plowing through the woods in your LookAtMeTank instead of, oh, I don't know, keeping your attention on the Not-Road you're on to make sure you don't run over something alive or- more importantly- put unnecessary scratches or (perish the thought) dents in that Conspicuous Consumption Middle Finger To the Planet you're driving.  

And this is where the "funny conflict" in the commercial pops up to take the place of any actual information concerning the vehicle featured.  The way-too-old-for-this-scenario pale, freckled, spineless product of Mom and Dad's DNA in the back seat announces that the mention of "bearsquatch" has caused him to wet his pants with fear and very badly want his security blankee.   This lets the viewer know that, once again, Dad has Failed as a Parent for listening to a Very Scary Podcast that will give his offspring nightmares.

"He's usually asleep" dad alibis.  Oh, really?  Your son "usually" sleeps through your jaunts through forests?  Maybe the constant bumps causing the car to go temporarily airborne woke him up this time? Or do you mean "he's usually asleep" during car rides, just figuring that it didn't matter if the vehicle he was in was crashing through a wilderness area or negotiating Entitlement Court and Whitebread Lane on the way home from soccer practice?

"He'll never sleep again" snarks Mom in her best "it's a good thing you have money because that's the only reason I married you dumbf--k" voice.  Mom looks for all the world like she's only in this car because Going Along for the Ride is literally part of her job as Good TrophyWife, with the other part represented by that kid in the back seat.  Yes, this 12-year old kid will "never sleep again" because he heard a few seconds of a podcast about an imaginary monster while cruising around in a Lexus in the Middle of the Freaking Day with his parents.   Because 12-year old kid is made out of Putty, Pediasure and Mommy's Apron Strings. 

The commercial ends with Hubby wondering if he couldn't do better than a nasty, overly-protective, ungrateful shrew when he went shopping for a trophy wife 13 years ago, Wife wishing she had just bit her tongue because after all, this is a damn nice Lexus, and son trying to find a towel to wipe off his seat before the smell reaches his parents and they realize they have to get the family pride and joy detailed again. 

Saturday, October 23, 2021

I've got one finger for you, FingerHut


This just may be the most aggressively stupid commercial I've ever seen, and it's just barely tolerable if you don't watch it with the sound on.  No, let me take that back; it's not tolerable even with the sound off.  If you keep it muted AND dim the TV to the point where the screen is black, now we're talking.

This whole awful pile of steaming trash features a bunch of people with poor credit celebrating the fact that they've found a company willing to sell them stuff at high interest rates, drawing them in with the promise that this will help them "build credit."  "Building Credit," according to Fingerhut, means Buying Things on Credit.  Is "paying your bill on time, every time" included in this little lesson being given to children in adult bodies who should have learned how to control their spending a long, long time ago?  Don't know- because it's on mute- but I seriously doubt it.  I mean, come on- if these morons knew how to handle their money properly, they wouldn't be orgasmic over the ability to buy a lawn mower, and they wouldn't be going wild with joy over buying dozens of other things (like all that grill gear) that they don't really need.  Seems to me that these people don't really need to be told the joy of buying on credit, because they experienced that quite some time ago and it's exactly why they are suckers for come-ons from Fingerhut, everyone's favorite warehouse for overpriced garbage that people with decent credit - or, god forbid, CASH- buy at regular stores.  What they need is a cold, hard slap in the face and a reminder that Fingerhut- like every other company that extends credit- isn't in the business of loaning money and not getting it back.  That lawn mower you're having so much fun with needs to be paid for, you stupid woman.  That grill that lets you pretend that you're in the stable middle class for your neighbors has to be paid for too, you pathetic, financially illiterate man.

I'm willing to bet that the production of this commercial was closely tied to the disbursement of stimulus checks over the past 18 months.  A lot of people living paycheck to paycheck- but still working- suddenly found themselves with some extra cash, did a little extra shopping, and found that they really enjoyed the sensation of being able to buy something without putting off an electric bill payment or dodging the Rent A Center Repo guy.  Now that the extra money has run out, these people are desperate to hold on to that illusion of prosperity goosed by the $2000 or so which just fell out of the sky last year.  Their credit rating is still in the toilet, so Fingerhut is their only option if they want to keep Spending and Pretending.  Just a theory from someone who- Thank Heavens for a Stable Career- has never gone near Fingerhut, Aaron's, Rent A Center or any other dealer of  Temporary Pain Killers for Poor People. 

Friday, October 22, 2021

This Serena Williams/Streaming Video/Whatever Commercial celebrates America's dwindling attention span


I used to enjoy going to movies, but I very rarely do anymore.  I've probably been in an actual movie theater less than a dozen times this century.  And it's not because going to a movie is only slightly less expensive than attending a major league baseball game.  It's because I can't remember the last time I was able to watch an entire film without being distracted by someone's glowing cell phone, inexplicably pulled out because (I guess) the movie just couldn't hold the viewer's attention (or, more likely, desperate need for new stimulus generated by electronics-induced Attention Deficit Disorder.)

I assume it costs significantly more to attend a professional tennis match.  Yet if I read this commercial correctly, the people in the crowd who paid big bucks to watch Serena Williams hit a ball simply don't find the action on the court compelling enough and are scrolling through their devices to find horror movies, cartoons, ANYTHING ELSE to distract them from the sporting event they paid to witness.  Which kind of makes me wonder why they are there.  Just like I wonder why the person sitting two rows down from me paid $15 or more to sit in a dark room with total strangers and play with their f---ng phones.  Give me a break.  Please.

Sunday, October 17, 2021

Taco Bell was the best choice of evils here


As near as I can figure from watching this commercial no less than a dozen times over the course of two baseball playoff games yesterday, here is the storyline:  

A very pretty girl is at one of those cliche'd parties at the beach featuring irresponsible young people sitting around a fire drinking beer.  Maybe it's because I live on the East Coast and have never been to a West Coast beach after dark, but I've never seen this in real life.  I've never been to a beach which allows fires or alcohol at any time of day.  But whatever, I see this enough on television to convince me that somewhere there are beaches that allow this, and these young people are at least not breaking the law.  They are just being asshats who are more than likely to leave burning embers and empty beer bottles and other trash on the beach when they leave.

Ok, Boomer rant over.  Next we see a typical tv greasy Eurotrash wannabee eyeing that very pretty girl and finally making eye contact.  Because this is television, the girl isn't at all weirded out at being stared at by this guy despite the fact I get the strong sense that they aren't a couple (I mean, they aren't sitting next to each other.)  More like when Daniel LaRusso makes eye contact with Ally and won't break it off until she smiles back.  But at least they were just stupid teenagers.  Plus, it was the eighties, and everything was allowed back in the eighties.

Come to think of it, they had an open fire at the beach, too.  So I guess beach fires are just a thing in California.

Anyway, these people who seem to have just met go running into the surf together, and seem on the verge of kissing.  For some reason, a loud gong goes off which I'm guessing is just symbolic- the "gong" is the pretty girl's stomach letting her know that she's hungry (I guess they had alcohol but no snacks in front of that fire.  That's pretty stupid.  There's no end of snacks that go well with beer, kids.)  She dumps the guy to head off to Taco Bell like she's in a trance- like she's one of the Eloi and it's time to give herself to the Morlocks. 

I mean, if the sudden desire for a greasy taco from America's favorite provider of cheap grease and carbs wasn't so irresistible, she might have brought the guy along to pay at least.  And then he'd have more insight into this girl he's into- she likes Taco Bell.  I don't know how he'd translate this- is she just totally tasteless, or is she a cheap date?- but at least she'd still have the five bucks or so she spent on this late-night calorie bomb.  Then again, by dumping Eurotrash she's significantly decreased her odds of ending the night pregnant.  So for once, I applaud the decision to choose Taco Bell.

Saturday, October 16, 2021

Hulu has Live TV. Maybe you should turn it off and act Alive yourself?


Look, I'm not trying to be (excessively) mean here, but this woman is the last person in the world who should be looking for more excuses to become more and more part of that chair whose springs she's torturing.  How about you sell that chair, cancel your Hulu (and Netflix, and Amazon Prime, and heck- while we're at it, Cable) and use that money to buy yourself a Peloton Bike or maybe a gym membership?  You know, before you succumb to diabetes, heart disease, or any number of ailments that are all but inevitable if you insist on being a couch potato zombie looking for excuses to avoid moving?

Friday, October 15, 2021

A commercial of the Weird Kind


So a person waiting at the airport decides to have a snack and pulls a Kind Bar out of her bag.  She takes a bite and two things happen:

First, she's so inspired that she imagines herself establishing World Peace.  

Second, she can't remember what her name is.  

I don't know- if taking a bite out of Kind Bar causes severe memory loss, I don't care how good it tastes.  I'm not eating it!

Sunday, October 10, 2021

Death Wish Coffee and Capitalism: Because "Off the Clock" is such a 20th Century Concept


Never mind the fact that this commercial features the abuse of a lowly employee at the hands of her demanding, slave-driving boss.  I just gotta love how it ends with the lowly employee acting as if she's triumphed over her boss by successfully Jumping when he called to order her to Jump.  You go, girl! 

Workers of the World Unite- if your boss is going to crack the whip and make you work through the wee hours  instead of, oh, you know, respecting the fact that you are an employee and not an indentured servant and you work for a set wage that covers a set amount of time, you should put your foot down and (politely) demand that he stock plenty of Death Wish Coffee so you can stimulate your heart and shorten your life span before you proceed to make him slightly wealthier at the expense of your health.  It's the one Stimulus Package he's willing to provide without bitching about "Socialism" and the death of Free Enterprise, after all.* 

But yeah, enjoy that superior smile.  Short of a decent Union, it's pretty much your only reward for your night of drug-enabled hard work.  Do yourself a favor and don't reflect on the fact that your boss got a good night's sleep, and expects you to put in another hard day's work on another Very Important Project today.  Make sure you've got plenty of Death Wish Coffee for the office Keurig machine. 

*Oh, who are we kidding?  We all know that next to those coffee pods is a jar for the one-dollar-per-cup "contribution" expected of the people who use them.  The boss has his own Keurig machine - which you are not to touch, ever- back in his office. 

Saturday, October 9, 2021

Never mind Big Brother. Netflix is watching us now.


There's so much off-putting (maybe just plain "gross" is the better way to put it?) here, I hardly know where to begin.  Not a good start, Netflix.

I mean, we are being "treated" to a talking remote control that is angry that this (appropriately yet predictably diverse) couple keeps "pushing it's buttons."  You've got one job, Mr. Remote Control.  If you're bitter that you are constantly having to do your One Job, maybe suicide is a reasonable option.  Can you reach your own battery door to slide it out and remove those batteries?  I think that would do it. 
I guess this is supposed to be cute, but seriously, it isn't at all.  

But then it just gets worse.  The remote has kept close tabs on what this couple is watching, and is willing to turn on one of them to generate conflict.  All these people have is their shared television viewing, so the female is quickly triggered by the discovery that her male significant other is watching television (cheating?) behind her back.  Maybe she thought he was at the gym or doing something about that spare tire he's carrying, like he said he was, instead of being immobile as usual in front of the Idiot Box With 60 Million Hours of Viewing Possibilities.  Seriously, this guy is a chonker and he does NOT need another excuse to spend any more time zombied-out on the couch.  But no, she's just annoyed that he "experienced" god knows how many more hours of some witless Netflix Original Series Garbage without her, like he's having an affair or something.  (Hell, when your relationship revolves around "sharing" TV shows, what's the difference between watching something on your own and having an affair anyway?)

The "happy ending" involves Netflix basically taking their viewing history and just starting them off on another marathon of time-wasting, intimacy-avoiding BS courtesy of everyone's favorite contribution to the obesity and social isolation pandemics.  And all because we think that a streaming "service" that uses complicated algorithms to place us in an endless loop of predictable, non-threatening, non-challenging generic "entertainment" is the triumph of Western Civilization.  Well, at least these people are unlikely to breed, having used up their fertile years on 16 seasons of whatever Carbon Copy Magic Sword Adventure Nonsense Netflix decided they should be watching instead.

Friday, October 8, 2021

Taco Bell starts the damage with the rising sun? Who knew?


I have NO IDEA who Lil Nas X is, what he does for a living, or what the deal is with his name.  Nor do I care, so please, don't feel like you need to tell me.  I don't even want to know if I'm using the correct pronouns.  I'll never type that name again, so I won't have to worry about it, ok?

I also have no idea how sad someone's life would have to get if they find themselves dreaming about whatever war crime Taco Bell is offering this week on their breakfast menu.  I didn't even know Taco Bell HAD a breakfast menu.  Of course, I don't really know anything about Taco Bell's NON-BREAKFAST menu beyond what I see on commercials either, so.....

I'm left with just one question.  How long does this woman think she's going to be able to live her dream of starting her days with Taco Bell breakfast whatever the hell this is sandwiches before she starts to experience serious health issues?  

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

Dominos reminds us that we get what we pay for


First of all, where's a sniper when you need one?  I see anyone standing on a roof shouting at the neighborhood that America's favorite crappy cardboard-flavored-dough and sugar delivery system is offering free non-food with every order of non-food made through their App, and I give any Second Amendment Loving American permission to take aim and fire away.  

Second, the last thing most of the people in this ad need is easy access to the garbage offered by Dominos.  They already look exhausted, listless, bored-- yeah, just the perfect customers for bland white dough, gummy cheese and- "best" of all- heavy lumps of sugar-topped "chocolate" whatever-the-hell-those-atrocities-are.  Good idea, Upper Middle Class Suburbanites- don't shop and cook.  Just scroll and tap.  And get this nonsense showing up at your door.  Getting your body to ingest it will be very easy- because these chemical baskets are designed to be easily digested.  Getting your body to extract anything of value from it will be pretty damn close to impossible, because you can't get blood from a stone or nutrition from any of the disgusting calorie bombs produced by Dominos.

But wow, it's so easy to order.  And check out the free stuff.  

Sunday, October 3, 2021

What's the deal with your Rib Sandwich ad, Arby's?


Can someone at Arby's explain why this commercial is being shouted at us?  I mean, it's an ad for a pork sandwich.  Why are you trying to make it such a big deal, featuring a guy with an over-the-top booming voice that has me lunging for the volume button every time it comes on?  What's that all about? It sounds like I'm about to be treated to a documentary about the creation of a life-shortening carb and fat delivery system.

It's not like he's describing anything truly remarkable here.  I don't care if it "looks" like a rack of ribs.  I'm sure it tastes....ok.  That is, not like a rack of ribs, but what I'd expect a pork sandwich to taste like if I ever got one at Arby's.  And whatever that is, it sure as hell isn't worth roaring over.

Saturday, October 2, 2021

Point of Personal Privilege: "Some Kind of Wonderful" is one of the worst films ever


It's not the WORSE film ever- heck, it's not even the worst film of it's decade (that "honor" goes to St. Elmo's Fire, which has been analyzed to death for it's loathsome characters, garbage story, and throwaway nonsense 'Happy Ending.')  But as a teen romance that is supposed to be heartfelt, inspiring, and whatever else characterized the era that gave us the Slow Clap, it's truly awful, and I'm going to take a break from trashing commercials today to tell you exactly why.  

(By the way, I especially hate this film because I was working at a Video Rental Store when it was released on VHS and I had to watch it on the store's TV at least two or three times a day for about three weeks.)

(Also by the way, this post was inspired by a discussion on another thread, which is why the following is in a different font- it's literally cut-and-pasted.  I'm kind of lazy plus there's a football game starting in an hour I'd like to get to.)

In 1987's Some Kind of Wonderful, Eric Stoltz's character (Keith) is best friends with Mary Stuart Masterson's character (Watts) and oblivious to the fact that Watts loves him because they are "just friends" and anyway Keith is infatuated with Amanda Jones (Leah Thompson.) Keith displays incredible cruelty toward his "friend" by borrowing her car to give Amanda a ride home, getting Watts to help him practice kissing, and finally using her feelings for him to get her to agree to be his chauffer for a date with Amanda (which Watts does even after repeatedly calling him out on his asshattery, because she's a pathetic doormat.)  Oh, and Keith withdraws his college fund to buy Amanda earrings for their first and quite possibly only date.  Because if he can't charm her, maybe he can buy her?

In the end, Keith doesn't actually realize that Watts is his true love- he gets dumped by Amanda, who decides that while she's grateful for being shown that her relationship with the Evil Rich Kids was toxic, that doesn't mean she wants to be with her Knight in Shining Armor, but that she wants to be Independent. Only then- when he's been abandoned by his Dream Girl in the middle of the street, does he remember that hey, he knows this other girl and she's crazy about him, so he runs over to her and gives her the earrings that were returned to him by Amanda. This is the "happy ending"= Keith failing to win his true love, and Settling for the woman who is willing to be kicked in the teeth repeatedly by the guy she can't stop crushing on no matter how emotionally abusive he is.

This film was seen as "romantic and sweet" in the era of St Elmo's Fire, but it's not hard to see how ugly and manipulative and cruel it is today. 

Ok, back to commercials tomorrow.  Probably.

Friday, October 1, 2021

John Cena, Experian Boost, and this "Mind Control" ad


"This App is Garbage!  They're just trying to con you into thinking that there's an easy way to improve your credit score!  Don't buy into their easy answers!

The way to REALLY improve your credit score is with THIS App from MY company!"

Uh huh.  Hey Mr. Cena, unless your App tells people to pay all their bills on time, every time, and keep the percentage of credit used in the single-digits, and avoid opening up new credit unless absolutely necessary, your App is just garbage with a different label, sorry. 

Meanwhile, why didn't you do The Marine II, III or IV?  You think you're too big for Direct-To-DVD, but not too big to sell out to BS Boost-your-Credit "services" like this?  Please. 

Monday, September 27, 2021

Nutrisystem: Because Privilege has it's Privileges


If you're fat and poor, you can just go with Calories In, Calories Out- eat less, move more- and very safely lose one pound a week while also saving money because (hopefully) you aren't eating all that junk non-food that allowed you to pile on the pounds in the first place.  And for those of  you who want to argue "fast food is cheaper" and "fresh fruits and veggies are expensive" I will just point out that fast food is actually VERY EXPENSIVE when you sit down (which you are probably prone to do anyway) and calculate what you are getting for your dollar at McDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell, KFC etc.)  and that canned fruit and frozen veggies are just as nutritious as fresh and much, much cheaper than fresh.  Also, you don't need a fancy exercise machine or a gym membership or Jazzercise or Spin classes.  You just need to be willing to walk an hour a day.  And if you try to tell me that you don't have an hour a day, you get to hear me ask how much time you spend every day on your phone or Netflix. 

But if you're fat and rich, you can just get a subscription to Nutrisystem and have all your meals delivered to your door like you're helpless royalty incapable of actually taking charge of your life and your health but perfectly willing to burn that money you've got plenty of if it means you don't have to make any other decisions.  I mean, we're talking $495 per month with automatic refills.  I don't know about you, but that's at least three times my monthly food budget, and I eat pretty healthily.  However, it IS quite a bit less than you'll be spending per month on a diet of "cheap" junk food.  So I guess the next step is up to you.  

Sunday, September 26, 2021

These 4imprint commercials are fascinating- terrible car wreck fascinating


The idea that so much rides on your company logo "looking perfect" on a piece of junk like a baseball cap or coffee mug or backpack nobody would be caught dead using or cheap pullover nobody would be caught dead wearing is both funny and sad.  Even worse would be finding yourself working in the 4imprint factory, overseeing the sewing or stamping of some stupid company's logo on to some piece of cheap crap that is almost certain to be left on a meeting table, in a hotel room, or somewhere else because the "lucky recipient" has no need for more trash to clutter up their suitcase, let alone their office or home. 

I wish I had a dollar for every lame giveaway stamped with some company's logo which I eventually tossed into a trash can when I realized it didn't even make a decent paperweight or keepsake from the place I got it.   And I mean that in all sincerity- I wish I had just gotten a dollar, instead of garbage with a logo slapped on it.  I've never thrown a dollar in the trash or failed to appreciate getting it. 

Saturday, September 25, 2021

I don't get it. Why would anyone want- let alone "need"- the Hopper?


If you see an ad* for a device that can record up to 16 television programs at the same time and think "that's for me," it's seriously time to re-evaluate what went horribly wrong in your life.  The radio commercials for this atrocity feature people gushing about their ability to record "up to 2000 hours of television"- that's 83 DAYS of non-stop viewing -- realistically, it means that you are recording because you can, not because you'll ever actually WATCH even a fraction of this junk....I mean, do you plan to do do anything OTHER than watch TV, EVER?

*that dog looks like he'd like to go for a walk.  Any chance of that happening?