Sunday, October 24, 2021

That Lexus "Bearsquatch" commercial leaves me wishing for a flat tire and a pack of hungry bearsquatches...


Elitist Suburban White Family can't be happy just cruising around their neighborhood of million-dollar homes with their brand-new tricked-out Lexus; they have to use it to barrel through the home of countless woodland creatures, driving over what looks to be a hiking path and most certainly isn't a road at maybe 30 or 40 MPH.  While the narrator says something about "responsibility."  Yeah, something doesn't add up there.

Anyway, faux-rugged (check out the unbuttoned flannel shirt and five-days growth) Husband is listening to some podcast about an imaginary creature called a "Bearsquatch," because I guess this is something you're "supposed" to do while illegally plowing through the woods in your LookAtMeTank instead of, oh, I don't know, keeping your attention on the Not-Road you're on to make sure you don't run over something alive or- more importantly- put unnecessary scratches or (perish the thought) dents in that Conspicuous Consumption Middle Finger To the Planet you're driving.  

And this is where the "funny conflict" in the commercial pops up to take the place of any actual information concerning the vehicle featured.  The way-too-old-for-this-scenario pale, freckled, spineless product of Mom and Dad's DNA in the back seat announces that the mention of "bearsquatch" has caused him to wet his pants with fear and very badly want his security blankee.   This lets the viewer know that, once again, Dad has Failed as a Parent for listening to a Very Scary Podcast that will give his offspring nightmares.

"He's usually asleep" dad alibis.  Oh, really?  Your son "usually" sleeps through your jaunts through forests?  Maybe the constant bumps causing the car to go temporarily airborne woke him up this time? Or do you mean "he's usually asleep" during car rides, just figuring that it didn't matter if the vehicle he was in was crashing through a wilderness area or negotiating Entitlement Court and Whitebread Lane on the way home from soccer practice?

"He'll never sleep again" snarks Mom in her best "it's a good thing you have money because that's the only reason I married you dumbf--k" voice.  Mom looks for all the world like she's only in this car because Going Along for the Ride is literally part of her job as Good TrophyWife, with the other part represented by that kid in the back seat.  Yes, this 12-year old kid will "never sleep again" because he heard a few seconds of a podcast about an imaginary monster while cruising around in a Lexus in the Middle of the Freaking Day with his parents.   Because 12-year old kid is made out of Putty, Pediasure and Mommy's Apron Strings. 

The commercial ends with Hubby wondering if he couldn't do better than a nasty, overly-protective, ungrateful shrew when he went shopping for a trophy wife 13 years ago, Wife wishing she had just bit her tongue because after all, this is a damn nice Lexus, and son trying to find a towel to wipe off his seat before the smell reaches his parents and they realize they have to get the family pride and joy detailed again. 

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