Friday, September 21, 2018

Progressive's "Son" Commercial is too real to be funny



"What happened to my son?"  Well, there are two possible answers:

A.  He is using all that crap you bought him because he asked for it and giving him an electronic cocoon is a lot easier than actually being a parent.  So your son, who grew up in a gleaming-white plastic house, has grown up to be an isolated little creep because daddy wanted to be left alone.   Or,

B.  He bought all this stuff with his own money, which he has because he's still living at home despite being financially independent enough to buy thousands of dollars worth of Virtual Life Because the Real Version is Too Hard crap.

Take your pick, jagoff.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Or maybe this is a green card situation, Walmart?



..and if you're extra-quiet and can get to the store really fast, your trophy wife might not notice that you're doing your grocery shopping at freaking Walmart.  I mean, she may be willing to ignore that you're an ugly hairy doofus who is nowhere near good enough for her, but if she picks up on the fact that you're buying groceries from WALMART she might start getting a little suspicious about the existence of that economic stability she sold her youth for.

Sunday, September 16, 2018

The Colonel's cure is far, far worse than this family's disease



Not going to comment on the colonel's long arms.  Too obvious, and anyway intentional.

Not going to comment on the fact that it's the WOMAN of the family who "forgot dinner," like it was her responsibility and her's alone.  For the same reason- this is supposed to be all retro and stupid so that is also intentional.

Not going to comment on how sad it is that Jason Alexander has descended to this level.  Gotta pay the bills, I guess. 

Nope, I'm going to save my snark for the fact that the colonel walks in with enough food to poison  feed about forty people for some reason- and even if we are supposed to assume that the family chooses only ONE of these offers, there's still enough calories there to kill provide nutrition for several African villages for chrissakes.

And of course each bucket of steaming fried chicken parts is overflowing.  But I'm not going to snark on that, either.  Because that's always the case in these commercials, and I've done that bit before.

Saturday, September 15, 2018

Bounty Paper Towels, Iced Coffee, and a Laptop= Recipe for Horror



A little girl loudly announces her entry into a room which is ridiculously gleaming-white and clean even for television standards, and her father doesn't even flinch.  He's so intent on staring at (daughter? Trophy wife?) that he doesn't move a single muscle as his daughter charges in.  So when she sticks him with her toy sword he is so startled that he drops his coffee on to the (gleaming white, of course) table.

Seriously, great acting job there, buddy.  You couldn't even begin to turn around when you heard your daughter?  You still could have spilled that coffee.  Instead you act like you had NO IDEA she was there, just to set up a really stupid scenerio for a paper towel commercial?

Anyway, the guy throws what looks to be two or three ounces of weak coffee on to the table about three feet away from his DaughterWife's laptop.  It couldn't be more obvious that unless they both stand there yelling "NOOOOOOOO" for maybe five minutes, none of that liquid is actually going to reach the computer.  It's not at all clear that they DON'T intend to stand there for ten minutes screaming about a situation that poses zero danger to the computer, except now the narrator jumps in with "Quick!  Grab a Bounty paper towel!"

Yeah, you'd better catch that spill "quick"- not because it poses the slightest danger to the laptop, but because as long as it's sitting there it creates a really jarring contrast with the otherwise all-white world these weirdos live in.

And then we see that the "mess" the towel picks up is about three teaspoons of coffee.  Wow, good thing you've got super-absorbent towels to to deal with a crisis of that magnitude.  Good thing you don't have to try to rely on a napkin or a sponge, because no way those would be up to the challenge. I mean, there's an ICE CUBE among the carnage. After all, we are told that Bounty is "two times more absorbent than the leading ordinary brand," which is a pretty awkward way of attempting to make a claim.  What brands are included in the "ordinary" category, anyway?

Oh, and if you're on a budget (like nobody on tv commercials) you can buy this Bounty Essentials stuff, which comes with no statistics concerning it's effectiveness but if you can't afford regular Bounty you have no business complaining if it doesn't catch up your spill before it reaches your Rent-A-Center electronics.




Friday, September 14, 2018

More fun with Humira!



(Again, I'm apologizing for the poor quality of a Humira ad.  Sorry-  I don't know why Humira isn't putting official versions of their ads on YouTube, but I am grateful to the people who are recording them and putting them up even if the sound and picture quality is pretty bad.)

So this almost ridiculously diverse band (seriously- there's another woman, a black guy on drums, and an Asian guy.  Please) is deeply concerned because they are all set up at the Annual Oshkosh Pumpkin Fest and their lead singer is once again in the bathroom.  Oh noes, all the thirtysomething white people with terminal bad taste will be so dissapointed if she doesn't show!

Oh, but phew- she DOES show, because she talked to her doctor about her bowel issues and he recommended Humira.  Now she can do what she's being paid to do- wave at the crowd, jump up and down, and (I guess) sing a song now and again.

When the show is over, the hot, sticky band climbs into their RV to look at pictures on their phones of...well, I have no idea what.  Maybe they are reading reviews of their performance?  Checking replies to their resumes from Monster.com?

Then it's off to another gig at an abandoned old theater.  The show is set for 10 PM- so this band has concerts in the middle of the day at county fairs AND at run-down old movie houses at 10 PM.  And the evening gig is "sold out?"  Well, I guess that's not hard when your venue only seats 25 (I mean, come on- it looks like they are playing in someone's living room.)

All of this is in the service of selling us a drug which as near as I can tell helps calm overactive bladders, I guess.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Hyundai Humor= Total Fail



There is so much wrong here, but I'll just focus on two things that really stuck out:

First, how terrified is this kid of his dad that he can't just come out and tell him that he needs to use a bathroom?  At one point, they are at a car wash.  I bet that car wash has a restroom he could use- but this kid is so frightened of telling his dad that he needs to urinate that he'd rather sit in the back and sweat and squirm in building agony than say "hey dad, I need to relieve myself.  Can you take me to the bathroom please?"  I bet he's even more in terror of what will happen if he wets the seat.  Poor kid, that guy must be an absolute monster.

Second, the dad finally gets that his son needs to pee so he pulls over on the highway....and the kid exits on the side facing the road and runs around the rear of the car to head off into the woods.  Huh?  Why did he exit on that side?  Why isn't the dad going with him to make sure he's ok?  Jesus freaking Christ, buddy- first you frighten the kid into suffering in the back seat for god knows how long, then you let him exit where he could easily be killed by a speeding car, then you let him run off into the woods by himself to urinate...what the hell is the matter with you?

Oh, and let's never mind that all of this is played for laughs by Hyundai.  Never mind that unless you're a 14-year old boy I don't want to hear that you think that this is funny in the slightest.  Seriously, if you've reached adulthood and you think Kid In Agony Because He Needs To Urinate is totally LOL hilarious- or even slightly amusing- I don't want to hear it.  If you think it's funny enough to sustain an ad that runs for a full minute, well...I really don't want to hear it, and maybe your parents should thank you for posting on YouTube under a fake name.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Let me correct you, Verizon Fios Spokeschoad



What this person sitting at the gate waiting for her flight needs to "let her pals know" is that she's a totally self-absorbed douchenozzle who has never heard of these things called "earbuds" and who just assumes that everyone at the gate wants to listen to whatever she's watching on her f--ng phone.

Oh wait, she doesn't need to let them know that.  They know it already.  As does everyone else at the gate, including all the people who were trying to catch a little shuteye or maybe enjoy a book or something while waiting to board their flights.  They all know that one of the people also waiting for that flight is a selfish jackass who thinks that being able to carry her tv around through her phone makes everywhere she is her Living Room.  So enjoy the game, everyone at the gate.  You're going to hear it- and her response to every play, so you might as WELL enjoy it.

Hell, I strongly suspect you'll continue to "enjoy" it while the flight is in the air.  Basic human decency doesn't compute with this woman, why should airline rules?  I mean, there's a game on her phone!

Meanwhile, Verizon Spokeschoad?  I hope your plane crashes.  Into the Andes.  And you survive.  So you can be eaten by your fellow passengers.  Slowly.  Feet first. 

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Humira, please fire your casting director!



(Sorry for the quality of the video, I'll swap it out when I find a better one.)

Isn't it adorable that this 14-year old girl* has finally brought her 25-year old boyfriend home to meet the folks?  "See daddy, this is the guy I have been talking to online all this time- I TOLD you you'd like him!"

(Oh and there's a few moments of tension where it appears she isn't sure he'll show up, because he's got this issue with having to go to the bathroom a lot and she forgot to tell him that her parents do, in fact, possess an operating toilet despite living in a dollhouse.)

In one scene, the little girl shows her boyfriend photos of last year's ballet recital before taking him for a walk to visit her Very Bestest Place on Earth, the tire swing daddy attached to the tree for her in the summer of 2014.  Later, daddy pulls boyfriend aside for some alone time to ask him about the size of his bank account to see if he's truly worthy of buying his daughter.  They also eat lunch in one of those weird No Escape If You're Not on the Aisle kitchen booths made for couples but incredibly awkward for more than two people.  Do these things really exist in real life?  But I digress...

It's all just so adorable, and apparently has something to do with some drug that does something.  Personally, I'd settle for a drug that makes me forget this commercial.  Oh wait, there already is one.  It's called bleach.

*I mean, just check out her bedroom.  WTF??

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Liberty Mutual customer asks: "How DARE car insurance companies hold me responsible?"



I'll give this to Liberty Mutual:  The woman in this ad is probably a very good representative of people who are at fault in auto accidents.  I mean, just listen to what she says here:

"You barely clip a passing car- minor accident, no big deal!"  Well, that's exactly what I would expect you to say.  It's "no big deal" because after all, it was your fault.  And of course the other driver- the one whose car you HIT- is going to be uber-unreasonable by actually stopping and demanding that you exchange insurance information, can you believe it?

"Minor accident, right? Wrong! Your Insurance Company is going to raise your rate because the other car got a scratch so small you could fix it with a pen!"  Again, this is exactly what I'd expect the driver AT FAULT to say- "it was NOTHING!  The other car was BARELY damaged- just a SCRATCH you could fix with a PEN!"  I'm sure this woman would have exactly the same attitude if it was her car that had been damaged, and would have been more than willing to let the other driver attempt to fix the "scratch" with a pen.  I'm absolutely positive that would have been the case.

"But NO!  Your insurance company is going to raise your rates!"  Sorry to keep interrupting you, stupid clueless bent-out-of-shape-because-you-are-being-held-responsible woman, but....if the other car only had a "scratch," why didn't you just offer to fix it out of your own pocket?  Funny thing about car insurance- the rates don't go up if you don't use it.  If your negligence resulted in a minor accident, you should have just paid for it yourself.  That you used your car insurance suggests to me that just maybe that "little scratch" was a bit bigger than you are telling us it was.

Based on the comments, I'm not the only person who would like to tell this woman exactly what she can do with that pen (and it has nothing to do with switching car insurance companies.)

Friday, September 7, 2018

Two quick points about this Heineken Commercial



1.  What country is it taking place in?  Because, sorry, when we got to the reveal that these people were watching a SOCCER GAME, the first thought that popped into my head was "ok, this is happening in some foreign country."  It sure as hell isn't taking place in the United States.

2.  When I found this ad on YouTube I thought "wow, finally- an ad immune to the ubiquitious 'what is this song?' post."  I was wrong.  I scrolled down ten posts and found TWO people who did not know the name of the song, let alone the artist.  And I was probably a little too nasty in my replies, but for chrissakes, people.  I'm now convinced that YouTube employs some kind of bot that just automatically asks for the names of songs heard in commercials because....there's simply NO WAY actual humans did not know the name of this song.  No way.

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

McDonald's can't even get its celebration of a decent program right



1.  At first, I thought that the manager in this ad is being quite the jackass because he doesn't know if it's a letter of acceptance or rejection before he reads it- uninvited- in front of the entire staff. What if it had been a rejection letter?  Anyone who has ever applied to college knows to dread the thin reply letter.  The rejection letters are always thin.  The acceptance letters are thick because they include school calenders and further information about the school.

But then I noted that the envelope seems to be already opened when the kid hands it to the manager.  So the kid knows it's an acceptance letter, I guess.  But this leads me to my next point:

2.  Once he knew he was accepted, why didn't the kid just go down to McDonald's and tell the manager?  Why bring the letter with him....UNLESS he WANTED the manager to read it in front of everyone?  If the kid wanted everyone to know, why not just tell everyone himself- you know, like a normal person would?   Which leads me to my last point-

3.  What if it WAS a rejection letter, the kid had opened it and KNEW it was a rejection letter, and he went down to McDonald's to ask for some advice on how to proceed next- and to let the manager know that, in spite of all his hopes and dreams, he was going to need some hours this autumn after all?  If that were the case, man did the manager screw up big time by turning a personal moment into a cringe-worthy faux pas.  Great job, Stupid McDonald's Manager.


Sunday, September 2, 2018

Ancestry.com: Yes, I know who I really am, and the answer is "better than this."



"Do you know who you really are?"

Well, I could be super-philosophical here and reply that life is just a journey we all take to discover who we really are- and the answer is the combined thoughts, feelings, and experiences of each individual lifetime.  The sum of our lives arrives at the very end, when we add up all those thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  It's left to others to evaluate who we were and what our lives really meant.  Ok?

Oh, I guess not Ok.  Because all of these obsessive "Who Am I" celebrations of DNA-tracking and navel-gazing want us to focus not on who we are, but on who our ancestors were.  What does this have to do with who we are?  Oh, you see, you are who they were.  Which means- you aren't really anyone.  Just the product of people who came before.  THEY were someone.  Yay them.

So we have these teary-eyed jackasses with way too much time on their hands and money burning holes in their pockets discovering that they share DNA with people they didn't think they liked- one guy habors prejudice against Germans, then discovers that he's part German, so wow there's an eye-opener now he has to go out and find some other group to hate (maybe My Heritage DNA or Ancestry.com can help him with that.  I'm sure they can.)

And at the end of all this unbelievably sad self-absorption the idea that we are what we do is totally lost to the much easier (it only takes a vial of spit and a credit card) theory that we're just a bag of chemicals handed off to us by our ancestors.  And now that we know exactly what percentage Lithuanian we are, we can sit down, have a wistful, satisfied little cry over it, and find something on television to distract ourselves from the notion that we still haven't added one thing to our own legacies because we've been too busy trying to reduce the meaning of our lives down to the cellular level. 

Saturday, September 1, 2018

My Heritage DNA celebrates Racism by pretending to oppose it



"I don't know about you, but when I'm filling out forms, I never know which race to check."

I leave it blank.  I mean, it's not even required to get a passport these days. 

"People tell me it's obvious- you're black."  The "people" who are saying this to you are probably just sick to death or your stupid obsession with race and don't want to hear about mystified you are by the question anymore. 

"Well, I just my Heritage DNA results back" (proving my point that you're obsessed with race- you just NEEDED to know what "race" you "belong" to, even though you could have just left that part on every form blank, because you've decided that your "race" defines who you are.  Not sure why this is anyone's problem but yours, but...)

"And it shows me that actually, I'm 72% West African, 14% British, 7% West European, 3% East European and 3% Finnish..." I thought we were talking about race.  I'm not aware that any of those categories is a race.  Are you telling me that you think that "British" is a race?

"Now you tell me, which race box do I pick?"  I told you already what I do- I leave it blank. 

"And if I pick that one, do the others get dismissed?"  See, I didn't fall into your stupid trap.  I didn't suggest you pick one.  I suggested you leave it blank. 

"See, who we are is more complex than the one that society gave us..." So society gave you a label?  Then why are you struggling with this?  Oh right, because you like to complain about stuff that doesn't mean anything to people who aren't completely self-obsessed douchenozzles.

This guy then goes into a rant about how we must never judge a book by it's cover or people by the color of their skin which I guess is a good point but doesn't go very far in selling this Heritage DNA product because after all if where our ancestors come from doesn't matter, if we should be judged by who we are as indivuals, why the f--k do I give a damn what percentage Norwegian I am? 

The last twenty seconds of this ad is just this guy preaching about interconnectivity and each individual being a beautiful tapestry of colors etc. etc. etc., and it's nice but also banal and nothing we haven't heard a million times before from better speakers who weren't shilling for a company that WANTS you to be obsessive about your bloodline.  This guy's pitch is just about the most shameless hypocricy I've seen on tv- Stop focusing on race, go out and find how much of each race is in you by sending us a vial of spit.  We'll settle your identity "problem" by telling you straight out how black, white, Romanian, Jewish, Protestant, Zorastrian, Brazilian and Transalpine Gaul you are because those are all races and you need to know so you won't be pigeonholed by some form that isn't actually requiring you to make a choice.

My original suggestion- leave the damn box blank- works just as well, but only if you aren't a race-obsessed idiot who thinks that DNA is Destiny.  This guy doesn't qualify, which is why he responds to an optional question on a form by going on a quest to find Who He Is based on where people related to him used to live. 


Thursday, August 30, 2018

"Washington DC Metro" and "Hacks:" the jokes write themselves



What I don't need to know:  "This is a Series 7000 train."  I don't know why you think that matters to me.  I don't care.  And if, for some reason, I needed to know this, it was covered at the last stop.  I don't know why you feel the need to tell me at every. freaking. stop.

I don't even know what a Series 7000 train is or why it's different from whatever series another train is.  Seriously, is there going to be a quiz?  Why do you keep telling me this?

What I do need to know:  Why the six elevators at Forest Glen station are always on the same floor at the same time.  So when I'm on the Metro level all six are apparently on the exit level.  So I'm standing there waiting for an elevator and when one comes, they all do.  Who thinks this makes sense?

And speaking of the elevators, why are the doors timed to stop closing the MOMENT the last person gets off and BEFORE anyone can get on?  I've figured out that if I am more than ten feet from an elevator that is discharging passengers there is zero reason to walk faster to catch that elevator before the doors close, because sorry, not going to make it.  I MUST wait for the next elevator which will come, eventually, along with all the others, at the same time.  Bizarre.

What I don't need to know:  "The Escalator at Dunn Loring is out of order."  I don't need to know this while I'm waiting for the train at Takoma.  It's not even the same freaking line.  Why does Metro insist on letting everyone on every train platform know every little thing that's going on anywhere in the system?

What I don't need to know:  That the train is delayed.

What I do need to know:  When the next train is coming.

What I don't need to know:  That because certain Metro stations will be closed next week in the Rentless Drive to get Back2Good, I should "consider alternative travel arrangements."

What I do need to know:  How often buses will be running between the Metro stations.  Because like a lot of people who use Metro I don't have an "alternative."

What I don't need from Metro:  Enhanced WiFi and commercials for the Back2Good metro system playing on the (Series 7000?) metro cars.

What I do need from Metro:  For you jokers to get "Back2Good" (how about something approaching reliable service?) no less than five years behind schedule.  Is that too much to ask?


Sunday, August 26, 2018

NFL Sunday Ticket to Nowhere



Two kids in the suburbs are doing that retro suburban thing, selling lemonade.  They've got the adorable handmade sign and the pitcher of lemonade and they are ready to spend some quality time with eachother, outside, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

Nope.  That's not going to happen.  Because Mom, who was still in bed from an evening of heavy drinking after yet another disasterous Match.com hookup, has finally risen, showered, and noticed that it's 12:30* and the pregame show for the Raiders/Cowboys is seconds away from starting.

Mom's super-lonely and can't bear the thought of watching a game by herself while her kids are outside doing non-football stuff, so she runs out and sells their entire lemonade supply to their first customer, pouring it into some weird novelty plastic cup that came out of nowhere to provide the punchline for the commercial (seriously, what the heck is that?  It's even too big to be available at 7-11 for $1.49.)

And then we see Mom and the two kids having a great time cheering on either the Raiders or the Cowboys from the couch.  Yeah, this is MUCH better than being outside on a beautiful day- but still not as good as watching the game at Hooter's, where you can get a basket of buffalo wings and don't have to settle for popcorn.

*Assuming that these people are rooting for the local team, this suburb is in either the Oakland or Dallas metro areas.  Either way, 12:30 local time works for the pregame show of a game starting at 4:05 EST.  It could be a three or four PM local time start, too, but that would mean mom was so blasted from the night before that she didn't get up until mid-afternoon, and those kids have been outside all day without selling any lemonade.  I don't know, I can't figure out anything that's not on the Eastern Seaboard.

Good luck next Saturday night, Mom.

Saturday, August 25, 2018

More Future of Awesome with Xfinity



I get that this is supposed to be showing how effortless and seamless moving with your Xfinity connection can be, and that's the reason this "family" remains on the couch staring at their electronic addiction delivery systems throughout the entire ad. 

The problem I have with it is that all ads for Xfinity, other cable systems, cellphones, etc are exactly like this- everyone in the "family" is just engrossed in watching something on a flat screen while a narrator is waxing poetic about "connectivity" while ocassionally throwing in a line about bringing families closer, etc.  I don't get how anyone could equate people enjoying their personal electronic cocoons with doing things "together" and "staying connected."  There's really no reason why these people are sitting on the same couch or are even in the same room- since the whole point is that everyone gets to do whatever they want with those devices any time they want, why not just show them in different rooms, or even in different places outside the house?

Oh right, I keep forgetting- because Xfinity, etc. doesn't want to give anyone the notion that all this "connectivity" actually creates distance between "family" members.  Nope, check out how happy mom and dad and sister and brother are as they "share" "quality time" "together."  They are having fun "together," see?  This is really pro-family!  Really!  This is keeping them closer!  Honest!

I do wish this ad were five seconds longer, so we could see how much enthusiasm the kids had for the "house decorating shows" Dad asked his Best Friend to start streaming.  I think that might have brought an end to all this physical togetherness.  The next scene would likely feature Brother playing a video game in his room while Sister chatted with non-family acquaintances in hers, Mom watching a movie on her phone while Dad found himself alone with his Home Decoration Show.  All with big zombie smiles on their faces because Yay Xfinity and Yay Togetherness.

Friday, August 24, 2018

Steve Cutts hold up a mirror. Are we willing to look into it?



We need someone to spend whatever it takes to show this as a Superbowl Commercial.  People need to see this.

Of course, even if we could raise the money to air it, it would not get aired- because it would certainly outrage the sensibilities of the drug dealers (cell phone companies) who are perfectly free to spend hundreds of millions on ads encouraging us to feed our addiction to the Glowing Box In Our Hands- and to become more and more isolated from society, more and more lonely, and more and more dependent on those phones to feel "connected."

I'm doing my part by sharing it on this site.  Please, pass it on.

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

League of Legends in their Own Mind



So a couple of couch potato dweebs are playing a video game and are really turned on by the awesome virtual weapons they can pretend to branish as they pretend to conquer something while sitting on their asses in their mom's basement.

Including in their pathetic fantasy world is the ocassional appearance of a Female of the Human Species, who is there to drop some suggestive reference to a "slumber party" which is hot enough to convince males that this game is almost like actually going out and meeting people- including scary girls- while also being nowhere near as threatening and dangerous as actually....going out and meeting people, including scary girls.

The ad for this game ends with one of the males (I am not going to call them men) yelling "We're Gonna Win!" Well, yeah, it's a game, so someone's going to win-- the game.  Life?  Well, you aren't going to win at that until you're willing to put down the game controller, get off that couch, and go the f--k outside and interact with your fellow humans.  I suggest you take it slow, and start by bringing a phone with you to stare at.  Eye contact is not for beginners.  Baby steps.

Monday, August 20, 2018

T-Mobile Offer not Available in all areas, clearly



Tomorrow I'll be ending my summer vacation in Vermont and heading back to Maryland for Year 24 of my High School History teaching career.  As far as T-Mobile is concerned, that means I'll be ending my stay in No Man's Land and returning to Civilization.

My T-Mobile plan provides virtually no service here, and on the rare ocassions I can connect, T-Mobile counts it against my "roaming" allowance.  Yep, here in Vermont I am "roaming," as if I was in Europe or on Safari.  But most of the time, I'm just not connected at all.  When I try to use my contacts, I'm told they are "Not Registered with Network."  I can usually check my text messages, but I'm rarely allowed to reply.  For most of the summer I had a weak connection with my parents' WiFi but in the last few days I've received regular "Authentication Errors" and it doesn't matter how many times I type in the password, it's "Incorrect"- never mind that it's the same one I use to access the WiFi from my laptop.

Barre is the second-largest city in Vermont- but while I'm shopping for my parents I can't make or receive calls to find out if they need to add anything to the shopping list.  Once I noted that I had a missed call from home and had to ask to use the land line at the grocery store to call home (good luck finding a payphone in 2018.)

(By the way, feel free to check out T Mobile's Nationwide Coverage map online- according to it, my service should be every bit as good in Vermont as it is in Suburban Maryland.  Which means- the map is a joke. Pretty, but a joke.)

Tomorrow I'll be back in Maryland and my T-Mobile phone will work just fine, I'm sure.  But I can't help wondering why a company which advertises itself as the Best Way to Stay Connected to Family can't get it's act together in certain areas of the United States.  I'll be contacting them to ask why this is when I have some free time- and I'm in Maryland, and I can make a phone call that doesn't include a "Call May Drop" warning even when it DOES connect.

Sunday, August 19, 2018

What White People Do for Fun, According to LL Bean....



The only thing more pathetic than the people racing their canoes in this ad are the people cheering them on from the shore.  I mean, at least the people in the canoes are actually doing something- even if it is really stupid.  The people on the shore are--- just watching.  What the hell.

Wait, you know what?  There are people even MORE pathetic in this ad.  They are the ones on the shore upriver, who found themselves shouting and cheering as the boaters LEFT the campsite.  They don't even get to see the result of the race (which I can't imagine caring about anyway, but whatever.)

At least they are wearing life jackets, but still....this is pretty stupid.  And very, very white.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

Chevy's Real People, Not Actors series finally reaches the bottom of the barrel. I think.



In this ad, four chunky dumb-as-rocks jackass Chevy truck owners have been talked into parking side by side next to a warehouse with no windows in the hopes of being featured in a commercial if they gush hard enough over whatever bland piece of crap Chevrolet is trying to sell in this ad.

And it's a good thing that they parked absolutely perfectly- and got their cars thoroughly detailed and waxed before this totally spontaneous visit to the warehouse to have a conversation with a by-now very well known Chevy spokeschoad, because they have to show well when the door opens and it's revealed that the kind of truck they'd really want is exactly the kind of truck they currently have.  Nice wake-up call to any of these drooling morons who thought that maybe if they described a Chevy truck to the Eurotrash dicktard with the cameraman with enough enthusiasm they might get a new truck as payment and not just five seconds of screen time on a stupid commercial.

Nonplussed by the news that they already own the truck of their dreams and they won't be driving home with an upgrade today, the trained monkeys respond on cue in the usual manner, bleating "wow it's a dynasty" and "I'm so proud," like their ability to sign their names to contracts which locked them into years of payments was some kind of accomplishment that puts them into a special category of people breathing rarified air.  Holy cripes, people- "dynasty?' "Proud?"  Are you f--ing kidding me?

In the end, we have yet another group of Not Real People Just Soulless Zombie Sellouts eager to kiss Chevy butt on tv if it means they get to have a camera in their face for a moment, because 1.  That's enough to establish your own IMdB page and 2.  Shame is for losers.

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Buick's Enclave of Insufferably Conspicuous Consumption



So TrophyWife #1 stands next to her $50,000 Conspicious ConsumptionMobile in the driveway of her million-dollar McMansion and is greeted by a neighbor who immediately asks about the Big Shiny Thing With Wheels.

TrophyWife #2 wants to know about the car, so TrophyWife #1 explains what it is an how it can seat up to seven people- or poodles.  I'm not at all sure why TrophyWife #1 thinks that TrophyWife #2 wants to know the seating capacity in Dog Units just because TrophyWife #2 has a dog....if TrophyWife #2 had a parakeet on her shoulder instead, would TrophyWife #1 be telling her how many parakeets the Big Shiny LookAtMeMobile can hold?

(TrophyWife #1 certainly needs a car that seats seven- Hubby didn't buy a woman significantly younger than he is just for her looks.  She's got to stay fertile long enough to produce five offspring, that's been made clear by the purchase of a car with otherwise unnecessary seating space.  Oh but don't worry, TrophyWife #1, there's a Pelaton Bike on the way so you can keep that figure worthy of That Guy Who Bought You.)

Anyway, the whole neighborhood is taken by the new car, so much so that in no time at all Every Single House in the Gated Community of White People Police are Authorized to Act on Behalf of Owner's Association ("The Buick Enclave."  PLEASE bring on the guillotines!) owns one.  That's the fun of being a rich cretin in the magical suburbs of Television- if you want something, you just buy it.  Need it?  Well, of course you need it- your neighbor has one, after all.

So are all the other TrophyWives in this ad going to have five kids, too?  Or does their desire to emulate TrophyWife #1 stop at having a big shiny car with lots and lots of room for kids, poodles, parakeets or whatever?  Stay tuned- but don't let me know the answer, 'cause I'm not interested any more.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Boost Mobile's vision of the perfect "Family Road Trip"



This "family" was "four hours into their road trip" when they learned that their data plan was inadequate.  I wish I was making this up.  I'm not.

Turns out that "road trip" means "people related to eachother traveling in the same car" and not "families taking a fun vacation" like I'm pretty sure it meant when I was a kid.  Brother and Sister can't put their f--ng phones away for a few hours and talk to eachother and mom and dad- nope, they have to spend the trip eating away at the family data plan.  Their determination to ignore eachother and feed their electronic addiction is SO bad that only four hours in, they've hit their data limits.

Here's a good opportunity for Mom and Dad to tell the kids to put away their stupid-ass phones, cut that electronic umbilical cord, and get them to notice that there's Life Without Streaming.  Of course, that's not going to happen.  Nope.  Mom and Dad "solve" the "problem" by ducking into a Boost Mobile store and getting a new data plan.

Four hours into a road trip.  They are in a store, changing data plans and getting new phones.  Because that's how "problems" like this get "solved" in 2018.

It's pretty clear how the rest of this road trip is going to go, isn't it?  Brother and Sister will spend the rest of it on their phones.  Mom and Dad will congratulate themselves for rendering kids Silent (Dad is thrilled that the switch in data plans plus new phones is shutting his kids up) and - I guess- enjoy the trip with these life forms they passed DNA on to some time back.

This is the new normal, huh?  Holy crap people, how can anyone possibly find this attractive in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM?  Are you all freaking insane, or what?

Sunday, August 12, 2018

The Timeshare Exit Team- because for some people there's just no fixing stupid



Mike and Kelly were way too young and stupid to get married, and we learn this immediately when Kelly tells us they went on a honeymoon to Maui and decided they wanted to live there.

That's something children do- they visit some cool place and decide it's the bestest place in the word let's never leave.  Because they are children.  Adults are capable of understanding that places like Maui are for honeymoons and vacations and unless you want to tend bar or clean hotel rooms you can't really LIVE there.  Mike and Kelly let us know that they aren't adults, because...

Instead of just being satisfied with the whistful "we never want to leave" followed by the inevitable departure back to Reality, Mike and Kelly purchased a time share in Maui.  Because- did I explain this already?- Mike and Kelly are stupid children who don't just don't get the difference between vacations and real life.

As happens in approximately 100 percent of all timeshare purchases, regret sets in shortly after the ink dries.  Mike and Kelly are now expecting a child (these people always pass their stunted DNA on to the next generation.  Always) and realize Oh Yeah We Are Never Going To Actually Get To Use That Timeshare How Do We Get Out of This.  Never mind that there is no time in a person's life wher a timeshare "fits" in any way, shape or form.  They are never NOT a bad idea.

Anyway, these kids were stunned to find that getting rid of a timeshare is like trying to fob a cursed jewel off on the informed public- they have to stand in line behind several million other morons who can't believe how hard it is to convince someone else to take on the burden anyone with two brain cells to rub together won't go near.  People trying to dump timeshares must feel like the Last Really Stupid people standing on the very top of the Great Pyramid of Dumb- ok, I've got this white elephant, who do I get to hand it off too?

Fortunately there's no end of these Timeshare Liquidation companies which are willing to offer dumbasses like Mike and Kelly ten cents on the dollar to get them out from under their ridiculously childish impulse buy.  And Mike and Kelly will take it and be happy because they've got a Bundle of Joy on the way which will, unfortunately, have to get by with genes they can donate to it.  Poor kid.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Me v. Toyota Jan and some annonymous twerp



So for some reason, Toyota hired these salespeople to gawk at a bunch of cars Toyota Jan calls "the last of the 2018s."  Some annoymous twerp says "ah, what a sight" as if he's waxing poetic about the view from Mount Vesuvius or a flock of geese heading south for the winter and couldn't possibly be refering to a dozen Japanese Blandmobiles being delivered to the dealership.   I'd say these people were completely soulless but that's way too easy and way too obvious.

I say "for some reason" because the new Toyotas being delivered apparently emit pheromones which attract middle-class zombies like flies to a dirty diaper.  They aren't off the truck and priced before they've been surrounded by glassy-eyed mouth-breathers who just can't get enough of the pretty colors- and apparently aren't nearly as impressed by the cars already on the lot.  In another version of this ad, a customer actually kisses the car trailer driver and gushes "thank you!" for bringing them to the dealership- no kidding. So what the hell was the point of hiring salespeople?

What is the purpose of this ad?  Is it really intended to make me think that if I don't rush off to Toyota RIGHT NOW someone else is going to get the Toyota of my dreams?  That someone's going to knock me over to get the last Toyota like it's the last box of crackers on the shelf and the Cuban missile crisis in underway?

Is it to convince me that everyone who works for Toyota just worships the damn product they were hired to sell?  "Ah, what a sight"- really?  They are freaking cars, jackass.  If you are impressed by the sight of Toyotas, please don't drive it or any other car- you are way too easily distracted by things us Normals don't find all that amazing.


Friday, August 10, 2018

Kia piles all kinds of dumb into this ad



1.  The "kids selling stuff that only adults buy" trope:  It fails again.  That means it's 0 for roughly 1.3 million.  No, KIA, I am not impressed that these two kids are dressed nicely while they tell me how great this deal on a new KIA is.  That's because no matter how nice and white and educated they look, I know that kids their age know absoutely nothing about buying a car.  What they know is that it's shiny and has dual DVD players and WiFi and shows well for their friends.  That's IT.

2.  It's never too early to start the Smart Girl/Dumb Boy schtick, is it, KIA?  The boy in this ad is supposed to know about cars, but not about the Screen Actors' Guild or other labor law enforcement agencies which protect actors (and these kids ARE actors.)  See, it's FUNNY because Stupid Male thought he was doing this for tv facetime only- it's not that he's getting paid LESS than his sister- HE'S NOT GETTING PAID AT ALL LOL!!

(By the way, how did Sister find out Brother was getting less money- and if she had access to that information, how did she not know he wasn't getting paid at all?)

3.  Obstensibly, this is supposed to be a commercial for the KIA in the background.  Instead, it comes off as an audition tape for two kids who would really like to be on TV more often.  Either way, it doesn't work- I don't want to buy a KIA, and I don't want to see either of these kids ever again.  Nice job, KIA!

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Two quick comments concerning this Best Western ad



1.  The people in these ads seem to be in some pretty cool locations, yet they spend most of their time taking selfies...in front of Best Western signs.

Look, I've stayed at Best Westerns.  Many times.  They aren't terrible hotels, but my stay was never the highlight of my trip.  It sure as hell never occurred to me to take a picture of myself by a Best Western sign, as if my friends might doubt my clain that I actually spent the night at one- "ok, I totally buy the idea that you were on vacation....but you say you stayed at a Best Western?  Sorry, I'm going to have to see some evidence."

2.  The lyrics to the "song" in this ad, as near as I can tell, go like this

This is the best day of my liiiiiiiiiiiiife 

My li li li li li li li li liiiiiife.........

And yet there's some nub on YouTube who wants to know what the song is.  Of course.

Monday, August 6, 2018

A Perfectly Revolting Corona Commercial



I wish I could tell you how glad I am that these perfect people gathered around a perfect house* in a perfect setting had the ingenuity to keep their evening perfect even the universe went off kilter and a candle went out (how on Earth did that happen to these perfect people?)

I can't tell you how pleased I am that one of these perfect people thought to turn on his phone and then put a bottle of beer on it to simulate a candle, attracting the appreciative smiles of his pretty, perfect friends.  Because it makes so much more sense to use that lithium battery than to, oh, I don't know, light a match or better yet just let it be slightly darker at your table .

I can't tell you any of that because I'm too busy wishing that a truck-sized meteorite would crash into that house and vaporize everything within 100 square meters.  Leaving a perfect crater, of course.

*which appears to be completely empty, yet has enough lights on to be seen from space.  Sucking the life out of the electrical grid.  Using a phone powered by a lithium battery instead of lighting a match.  These people are really working hard at being part of the problem, aren't they?


Sunday, August 5, 2018

iPhone X demonstrates that being "powerful' isn't what it used to be



In 2018, according to our Lords and Masters over at Apple, the way to "Unleash a more powerful you" (and simultaneously attempt to rationalize that stupid decision to ignore the student loan bills and just go ahead What The Hell You Only Live Once and drop a thousand bucks on a stupid phone) is to get the iPhone X (guaranteed to be at least 1.5 % better than the last iPhone released two weeks ago.)

The only way this commercial could possibly end on a high note would be if this creep zombie who seems convinced that he is becoming more "powerful" by wandering through life playing with his ridiculously expensive little toy instead of, oh, I don't know, actually accomplishing something worthwhile stepped in front of a bus and made a big steaming mess in the middle of the street.  That would provide work for a sanitation crew and food for crows and bacteria, finally making this little nub's existence meaningful, if only for a very brief moment. 

At his virtual funeral, his online "friends," who never met him in "real" life, can wax poetic about how "powerful" he was whenever they challenged him to play whatever pointless game this guy was spending the final moments of his "life" staring at just before the bus sent the walking sack of meat into the next world.  Good times.

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Pawn Shop Commercials are bittersweet comedy gold



I totally understand when "life throws you a curve" in the form of a major repair on a car with inadequate insurance, or a layoff/firing, or sudden medical expense.  Yes, Things Happen that people living in a country where wages have been stagnant for fifty years might not be able to handle without parting with stuff at the local pawn shop.  It's very sad but I'm not going to criticize people for using pawn shops- after all, they aren't QuickCash or Car Title or Money Store loansharks, and at least in this commercial they aren't being used for frivilous purchases like concert tickets or a vacation that, if they were honest with themselves, the people in the ads would admit they simply can't afford.

But I do have to say- if your examples of "life throwing you a curve" include needing to buy your son a new baseball glove or keeping your car filled with gasoline, you've got serious problems a pawn shop is not going to solve.  You don't have enough money, and you are going to run out of stuff to pawn to fill that gap between revenue and expenses sooner or later.

You need help to find your way out of your downward-spiral lifestyle, not a friendly place down the street willing to help you slowly empty your house as you pretend you are getting by.  Needing to buy gas is not an unexpected, unplanned-for expense you couldn't anticipate, for chrissakes.  What were you thinking when you bought that car?  "Sure I can't afford gasoline, but I can sell my belongings to pay for that.  I'm gold."

Good luck with your problems, People in this Ad.  Right now, you're going nowhere fast- unless it's the nearest pawnbroker with your kid's practically-new baseball glove because today you've got to buy milk and who could have seen THAT coming?

Monday, July 30, 2018

Hampton Beach: Not the Bahamas. Never claimed to be.



Here's where I'll be- for the 20th year in a row- the first week of August, so I won't be posting again until next Sunday.  Love Hampton Beach while totally agreeing with some of the criticism here- Hampton is not Sandals, it's not the Outer Banks, it's not even Rehobeth.  It's a beach with a tacky boardwalk full of ice-cream, fried dough, cheap pizza and hot dog hole-in-the-wall feeding places, an arcade filled with mostly 80s video games, and $20-per-day parking lots servicing the people who can't afford to rent one of the hundreds of tiny, air conditioning-less houses within walking distance of the sand.

What it is is an affordable vacation for Middle Class and Lower Middle Class families which includes free entertainment (Movies on the Beach Night, Bands on the beach every night) and a big stretch of sand which is usually not super-crowded even on the steamiest days.  Which is good enough for the kind of people who have to save up for a vacation throughout the year but don't want to go into debt for it.

See you in a week!  Enjoy the archives!

Sunday, July 29, 2018

Coors Light's "Restless" ad presents an alternate universe



Sure is fun watching the backsides of white people as they move relentlessly- oh, sorry, "restlessly" forward in their steely determination to Do Stuff and Then Drink Beer, isn't it?

Yep, it doesn't get tiring at all seeing several people from the same angle as they move forward by foot, by ship, and by jumping into unfamiliar bodies of water despite it being apparently 40 degrees or so in most of these scenes.  Seriously, did something get lost in translation here?  Are these people actually hiking through winter landscapes just to end up swimming around quarry holes before getting on ferries, stopping along the way to pop open a Coors Light (and perhaps discuss why the producer of this ad couldn't decide what time of year all of this is supposed to be taking place in?)

Anyway, it sure must be nice to be able to slap on a winter hat, toss on a light backpack, and then take a hike through the mountains that ends with Coors Light appearing out of nowhere (along with that suddden warm spell.)  After the swim it's right back to Winter as we take that ferry to Wherever As Long as People Keep Looking at My Back and there's Beer There.

I don't get beer commercials at all, and I don't understand why since they've been exactly the same for decades- "if you're young and adventurous (let's just say 'restless') this is the beer for you."  Just a mental block for me, I guess.

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Range Rover Velar demands that we Respect Our Betters



..because I watch baseball games, and apparently somewhere in the audience for baseball games are people who live in gated mansions guarded by Siberian Huskies or White German Shepards or whatever the hell breed of dogs these are (the idiots at YouTube are arguing about it.  No kidding.  Check it out.  Next to desperately "needing" to know the "song" - I think they mean "music," as I don't hear any lyrics- they really, really want to argue about what kind of dogs these are.

Personally, I'm more interested in why I this commercial would make me want to drop 85,000 dollars (no kidding, that's the retail) on a fricking LookAtMeMobile.  Apparently, it's to earn the "respect" of the Perfect White Dogs who guard my f--ng palace.  What were those things going to do if the guy showed up in a mere Audi?  Eat it?

Clearly the message is that when you drive one of these Douchenozzle Delivery Systems, you command "respect."  The respect you think you deserve but apparently don't get enough of despite the ridiculous house guarded by ridiculous dogs.  Respect is all about having an extra $85 Gs hanging around, I guess.

This ad makes those Lexus December to Remember commercials look almost quaint, dont they?

Friday, July 27, 2018

Taco Bell and the Nacho Revolution against brain cells



I get that this is all about Taco Bell kind of snarking on the Hollywood Summer Blockbuster season with this overproduced, self-congratulatory pile of dreck disguised as a commercial for seasoned french fries, but....

All I could really think when watching it was this:  Only in America could a fast-"food" restaurant specializing in cheap, greasy crap find an audience for a fake "movie trailer" focusing on strips of potatoes bathed in hot oil, sprinkled with spices and served up with "Mexican Sauce" (Seriously, what the hell is that anyway?)  And get mouth-breathing losers singing it's praises on YouTube.  Man, are we stupid or WHAT?

Thursday, July 26, 2018

Another Xfinity Watch Stuff With Other People Around Ad



Lost in all this nonsense is the fact that we have several adults hanging around some kids' birthday party watching a soccer match on their electronic devices for some reason.  I mean, I can't believe that those costumed people are there for the kids*- they aren't playing with those kids,** they aren't entertaining them in any way, they are just dressed while watching a soccer match.

And those guys wearing Suburban Dad outfits- well, maybe they ARE supposed to be suburban dads, but they can't possibly be the parents of any of the kids here, otherwise they'd be actually supervising or even (gasp) partaking in the fun those kids are having.  So why are they there?  Maybe the signal is really good in this backyard?

Way to waste those precious years while your kids are still kids, Stupid Adults.  "Hey, remember that birthday party where I won the cake-eating contest?"  "Um, no, where was I?" "Oh right, you were watching something on your phone.  Good times, Dad. Good times."

*A mime? Really, Xfinity?

**The douchenozzle "parents" are so absorbed with the soccer match that they can't even be bothered to remind the entertainment that they are being paid to ENTERTAIN and not watch tv?  WTF?

Monday, July 23, 2018

Xfinity's World of Awesome



Welcome to WOW!  Welcome to SMASH! Welcome to OMG DID YOU SEE THAT THING BLOW UP!

Welcome to a world where spending every possible moment of your life watching a screen is not only considered normal, but desirable- and, increasingly, a world you really have to be in if you want to show well for society when society deigns to raise it's head from time to time.

I'm ready to welcome you back into the real, non-fantasy world of actual people doing actual stuff, a world of books and music that don't just pour cotton candy images into your lard-infused brain, but why on Earth would you want to be there?  It's got nothing to do with Awesome, and Xfinity is All About the Awesome.

Oh, and in advance- welcome to Middle Age.  It's where you'll suddenly find yourself when you DO look up.  In Middle Age, and wondering where the hell the best years of your life went.  Let me clue you in- they went into consumption of packaged electronic entertainment.  Oh, and guess what?  They aren't coming back.  Ever.

Sunday, July 22, 2018

Toilet Paper and a question about Suburbia



1.  No, nobody on the planet is confusing this toilet paper with a robe.  I know that the people who make this ad realize that and this is just a joke, but it's still a pretty stupid line.

2.  I've lived in the suburbs for more than twenty years.  I have never once seen anyone actually stand on the sidewalk in front of their house wearing a robe and holding a cup of coffee.  Or even just wearing a robe.  Does this ever happen in real life?  And if so, may I ask why?  Is standing in front of all your neighbors wearing a bathrobe and holding a cup of coffee just a privilege of suburban living I've never taken part in, or what?

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Audi's Summer of burning bridges and being totally unrelatable



The woman is this ad is openly appreciated at work- not quietly, not behind closed doors in the boss's office, but openly in front of all of her co-workers.

She also makes so much money at her job that she's got the financial security to just quit on a whim, walk down the street, and buy herself an equipped-to-the-gills Audi.

Yeah, I can really relate to this woman.  She goes back to her desk after being publicly congratulated for being such a fine team member, only to notice that she's written "Work at my Dream Company" " on piece of paper which I guess is her bucket list.  She decides that her "Dream Company" doesn't include a place where she's appreciated or very well-paid, so she thanks her boss and her "teammates" by packing up her personal items and quitting because....well, I guess because this isn't her "Dream Company."

She isn't the least concerned about paying her bills, even to the point of immediately dropping $50 grand on an automobile without giving it a second thought.  This is what we all do when we quit our jobs, right?  Go out and buy ourselves very expensive luxury automobiles?

She also isn't at all concerned about getting into that "Dream Company" because she's going to start it herself.  What's this company going to do or produce?  Well, if she's planning to use the expertise she built up in her Not-Dream Company, she might find herself in court- there are these things called "non-competion clauses" in contracts to prevent self-centered, ungrateful douchenozzles from doing exactly what she seems to be planning here. 

She isn't at all put off by the (I know, silly and very remote) possibility that she might not be running her Dream Company TOMORROW and might need to keep picking up a paycheck from an employer for a while, as she's pretty much screwed herself out of a good reference from her ex-employer, as she gave zero notice before quitting.  Hey, Stupid Woman- when you wake up tomorrow and realize that you don't have the seed money to start your Dream Company becaus you sunk it into a showy toy with wheels, you might find it difficult to get hired by one of those awful employers now that you've revealed that you're a flaky, erratic knob who might walk away at any moment?

And yet, I'm totally inspired by all this, Audi.  In a month I'll be in Back to School meetings, going over schedules and IEPs and learning how much more my health insurance is going to cost in the 2018-2019 session.  At some point I'll write "Start My Dream School" on a piece of paper, get up, and walk out without a word of explanation.  I'll head right out to my nearest Audi dealer as the first step toward starting that Dream School.  I'm not going to contemplate right now that it'll probably be the last step, too. 


Friday, July 20, 2018

Ancestry.com's Anthem to Ancestor Worship



The gag-inducing punchline of this awful, self-aggrandizing nonsense is "now I know where my strength comes from."  I mean, seriously, never mind the syrup of Ipecac.  All you'll ever really need is that awful line bleated by this clueless idiot.

So this woman didn't get her strength from her actual PARENTS- you know, the people who raised her and who played an actual, hands-on role in teaching her how to think of herself and deal with the world.  She didn't get her strength from teachers or friends who encouraged her to push through hardships.  OH NO, her strength was passed down THROUGH HER FREAKING DNA because once upon a time a woman who lived far, far away did something that required strength.  Uh huh.

Hey, Stupid Idiot Whose Ancestors Were Obviously Morons (that's where you got THAT from:)  If you actually believe that "strength" is passed down in the freaking gene pool, where did that Awesome Female Tribal Chief get HERS from?  Was it just a mutated gene that originated with HER? I mean, can we be consistent about this for a minute?  What's the gene for strength again?

Oh and hey SIWAWOM, while we're asking questions, where did your amazing ability to misplace credit come from?  Did you have some maternal great-grandmother back in Zimbabwe who regularly thanked the rooster for making the sun come up?  Just asking, because by your own logic, your rock-stupid determination to associate positive character traits with a long-dead ancestor must come from SOMEBODY, right? 

Or maybe you've got the original mutated gene, and in three hundred years some idiot relative of yours will finally understand why she's such a clueless knob - it's because she's got some of your DNA?

I don't get the attraction to any of this.  I "inherited" personality traits from my parents- because I spent a lot of time with them when I was a child, go figure.  How the F--K could I "inherit" a personality trait from someone I never met and didn't know even existed until I inexplicably decided it would be a good idea to send a vial of spit to Lehi, Utah?  Dark hair, sure.  Height, fine.  "Strength?" Freaking gag me.

One more quick note to the stunningly idiotic woman with the wistful "I'm important because someone related to me on the other side of the planet was important once" look on her face:  No, you're not.  Not until YOU actually do something.  And no, obsessing over your ancestry doesn't cut it.  All that proves is that you're stupid with money and really, really full of your non-achieving self.

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

A good Amtrak Commercial. Don't worry, this won't be a trend.



Back in the 1980s I was a student at The Catholic University of America in Washington, DC and at least once each year I used Amtrak to travel home to Vermont for vacation.  I always traveled coach, and back then Amtrak not only didn't offer WiFi but it wasn't even really great at consistent lighting- if you traveled at night and tried to read you could expect to have the lights go on and off as the rickety train rolled up and down the Northeast Corridor- which means that unless you liked arriving at your destination with an upset stomach and headache, you probably didn't try to read.

And because it was the 1980s, you didn't yak away on your cellphone and neither did anyone else because hey, no cellphones.  You were pretty much out of touch with the world while you were on that train.  And oddly enough, this was ok.

During one trip- I think it was around Christmas- I was sitting in my seat on the train to Vermont when a young woman my age asked to sit next to me.  She introduced herself and we ended up talking for hours.  At one point she fell asleep on my shoulder while using my headphones (oh yeah, we had Walkmans so we had headphones.)  We said goodbye when I exited the train at Montpelier- she was going on to Montreal.  I never saw her again, though we did write for a while. Her name was Astrid.

Anyway, I don't have a problem with this Amtrak commercial at all.  It  looks like these kids are doing what I did on a regular basis almost forty years ago- taking a train home during a break in classes because it's still cheaper than an airplane ticket and can actually be kind of fun if you know how to relax and watch the scenery and enjoy being with fellow human beings.  I don't even mind the selfies, because they aren't being obnoxious about it.  I also like that they aren't constantly on those phones but are actually doing things like talking, daydreaming, taking in the scenery and napping.  It's actually pretty cool.

Ok, back to being a curmudgeon next time.  I promise.

Monday, July 16, 2018

More fun with Grammarly, the BFF of Lazy, Illiterate Twits....



...who don't want own the fact that they are lazy, illiterate twits and actually DO something about it instead of embracing this electronic crutch?

Anyone want to comment on the fact this college student is using Grammarly to write a term paper on "The Power of Words?"

Anyone want to comment on the fact that this college student seems completely incapable of constructing a sentence without resorting to cliche's, buzzwords, or outright plagiarism? 

Will this college student ever admit that if she had been born five years earlier, her college career would have ended in the first semester because she's an illiterate doofus who has no business taking up a seat in a class which should be occupied by an actual student with actual writing skills, or at least someone who is interested in improving her writing skills rather than letting an online editing program do her writing for her?

Anyone else wonder why teachers even bother assigning research papers or any kind of writing that takes place outside the classroom when we've got programs like Grammarly out there?  Unless the student is sitting right in front of you writing in longhand, how do you even know it's her work? 

Is it time to admit that Grammarly is to English skills what the calculator is to Math skills, and that asking people to learn how to write is the modern version of asking them to work out calculations using a pencil and paper?  I mean, in a world where "do research" means "Ask Google," what's the point of even pretending anymore?

Saturday, July 14, 2018

I have no idea why Southwest keeps assaulting me with this



Seriously, this ad is running during every commercial break- sometimes twice- sometimes TWICE IN A ROW- of tonight's Red Sox v Blue Jays game.  And I'm pretty sure that no matter how many times it hits me over the head, I still won't understand what exactly is going on here.

I mean, I get the message.  Southwest has high consumer satisfaction ratings.  Great. Cool.  Whatever.  I won't even point out that judging one airline against another in consumer satisfaction is like looking for the tallest dwarf in Narnia these days.  Everyone hates the airlines, and for good reason.  All the domestic carriers suck.  Each and every one.  The internationals?  I have very limited experience there, but no complaints from me.

What I want to know is, what are these stupid grinning idiots grinning stupidly about?  They don't look like they sit on the Board of Directors at Southwest.  They look like stewards and baggage handlers and maybe pilots.  What are they getting so excited about?  And why are they incapable of showing excitement in a realistic, relateable way?  I mean, Jesus- they look like they just won the freaking lottery, not that the airline they happen to draw a paycheck from is more popular than an airline they DON'T work for.  Why does it matter so much to them?

I guess it's probably a good thing that I have never been asked to fill out a customer satisfaction survey by Southwest.  The only time I ever used the airline was in June, 2017 when I had to fly to Tampa.  The flight was fine.  I liked not paying for my bag.  But man oh man did I hate the "pick any seat" strategy.  At least a dozen people in front of me on the line to board the plane were lying about their boarding numbers and cutting in front of people who should have been ahead of them.  Then I get on the plane and NOBODY wants to sit next to ANYBODY- you walk down the aisle and get surly "well I guess you can sit next to me IF YOU MUST" looks.  Very awkward.

Assigned seating, Southwest.  It's not that hard.  Get on it, will you?  And until then, please tell me what the hell these people in your commercials are on, because I want a bottle of it myself.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Oh come down off your cross already!



So I guess everyone this woman knows is sick of her ignoring her nasty red rash which causes her to scratch, or maybe a little sick of her "it's a horrible skin disease that I insist on showing the world by wearing strapless dresses and scratching constantly but just ignore it it's ok" martyr bit.  So one of her friends responds to her "I'm suffering it's ok" drama queen act by whipping out a tablet and showing her a conveniently downloaded ad for Eczema Exposed, or something.

Clearly the friend has more than had enough of the whiny Not Suffering in Silence idiot who thinks that it's perfectly ok to suffer from ugly red itchy skin- and maybe even preferable to actually dealing with it if you can constantly blather about it to everyone you talk to.  She's got her tablet and she's letting the idiot know that there are these things called "doctors" who can offer other things called "treatments" so maybe she should get her tired butt and her played-to-death illness down to the nearest heath care facility and check it out.

Or stop fishing for sympathy like an overgrown baby.  Either way, the friend has put her foot down.  She- and everyone else this woman knows- is done with this nonsense.

Monday, July 9, 2018

BMW + Mission Impossible = Two Sad Trends



1.  Remember when the first time you learned about a new action movie coming out WASN'T when you saw it being used to sell some unrelated product on tv?  I can't, either.  A few years back, I first learned that The Lorax was going to be totally updated and bastardized through a Denny's ad.  More recently, I learned that the Jurrasic Park franchise was going through a reboot through a Dairy Queen commercial.  Are these movies made JUST to provide cross-promotion?

2.  Check out the comments under this ad, if you dare.  The level of brown-nosing is almost impressive.  These guys are literally having orgasms over a car they know nothing about, will never own- hell, will probably never even test-drive.  Why?  Because you can actually pick up a little money squealing like a pig on YouTube comment sections, and shame went extinct decades ago.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Five Hour Energy: Mother's Little Helper comes in a tiny bottle these days....



You COULD stay hydrated and consume a balanced diet with an emphasis on fruits and veggies and lean proteins.

You COULD re-evaluate your schedule and be realistic about what you can get done in the time you have, taking into account that your body needs adequate rest and that the world's wants and "needs" kind of need to respect that- and will, if you make it....

Or, you could ignore your body and chug a little bottle of caffeine with sweeteners.  You'll get a momentary little energy high that will allow you to be productive for a few more hours, and your body will just have to deal with the fact that you used this artificial junk to cover up it's natural warning signs because you're a Superperson after all and You Don't Have Time to be Tired because look at this work you have to do plus your kids want- sorry, "need" you to be at 100 percent all the time.

So pretend that your body is just like your cellphone- with the right addition it can be recharged super-fast with no ill effects.  Just take a swig of this stuff and get back to work, monkey.  Natural vitamins?  Rest?  You sound like your parents- you know, those people who are still active and healthy into their eighties because they understood that it was ok to take a break now and then.  What dopes, huh?

Friday, July 6, 2018

Mila Kunis sitting alone at a bar. Only in a Jim Beam Commercial.



Yeah, it's an invitation.  It's an advertisement, and all advertisements are invitations to purchase something.

So, woman at a bar, if you take advice from coasters, "accept" the "invitation" to buy a glass of whiskey.  Because your coaster has an ad for Jim Beam on it.  And because Mila Kunis encouraged you to before bleating something about "making history."  I don't think I want to know what kind of "history" this woman can make if she drinks a glass of whiskey, but whatever.

Meanwhile, Mila, I've been tossing coins into fountains for years, and we still aren't married yet.  What the hell is that all about?

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Or maybe Arnold's Organic Bread Company exists in Fantasyland?



Ok, so this gorgeous young woman has a big, beautiful house with a big, beautiful kitchen where she loves to make and consume sandwiches made with organic bread- and she walks and trains dogs for a living?

I call BS on all that.  This woman is a classic Trophy Wife.  She trains and walks dogs because she likes doing it and she and the old guy she sold herself to agreed she could do that for a few years before she got busy popping out heirs.  Sorry if that sounds overly cynical, but that's the way it is.  Dog trainers don't make Big House, Big Kitchen, Organic Bread Money.  Not in my universe.

(On subsequent reviewings, it appears that this woman is NOT a dog trainer.  She just has a dog.  And a lawn in the suburbs big enough for a garden.  And time to play with her dog and grow tomatoes in that garden.  So the main point still stands- this woman is a Trophy Wife.)


Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Buick gives me a chance to demonstrate why I don't get invited to baby showers



1.  This woman's only job for the baby shower was to pick up the cake- and she couldn't get the sex of the child right?  Did nobody tell her, or did she hear wrong, or did she not bother to ask?

2.  "You know she's having a boy, right?"  Um, unless she's dropping that cake off at another baby shower before heading to the one you're both going to, she clearly DIDN'T know.  Again, why not?

3.  Is this how it works- when you go to a baby shower and bring a cake and you think that the guest of honor is having a girl, you make sure the cake is pink and has "GIRL" in fake blocks on it?  Why not just blocks of any color which read "HUMAN MAMMAL" or "PERSON?"  Wouldn't that be thinking-outside-the-box clever?  Or at least more clever than pink icing and "GIRL?"

I sure think so.  But I don't go to these things normally.  I'm going to one in a few weeks because my awesome great-nephew will be there and I don't pass up any opportunity to be with that little guy, not even a baby shower.  I'll bring him a set of Hot Wheels, and I'm quite certain he won't care at all what color they are.

Sunday, July 1, 2018

Seeking Forgiveness from your Grill, or your Audience?



When the white guy's lounge chair collapses, sending his food sprawling, the immediate reaction of the black guy is to point and laugh.  Because he's an asshole.

The immediate response of YouTube viewers who see this ad is to post how much they love it, because they are assholes who like things they know are supposed to be funny Because Reasons. 

I'm convinced that most viewers have the brains of young house cats who react instantly to shiny objects in the form of cliche'd crap on tv.  Cats react instinctively to laser pointers, dangling string, and mice.  YouTubers react instinctively to people tripping, falling, getting seriously hurt, or just plain being humiliated in a moment of vulnerability. 

So this ad- featuring absolutely nothing more than a guy's chair collapsing causing him to lose his food and then being mocked by another guy ten feet away who actually interrupted his conversation with another human being to do the mocking- is "funny" because.....again, I don't get it.

And I CERTAINLY don't get why this ad is supposed to make me want to buy a grill.  Because it's "forgiving?"  A lounge chair might collapse and force me to get up, clean myself off, and go get some more food.  What can a grill do?  Give me third-degree burns.  How is that "forgiving?"  What does all this even mean?

Saturday, June 30, 2018

A 9-year old Black and Decker Commercial....



...is all I've got on a day in which the mercury is expected to hit 95 and feel like closer to 102 which is following two days of much the same and will be followed by two days of much the same before I can fly out of this nightmare and get to Vermont, which is expected to be maybe five degrees cooler.....

.....and I'll be at the Baltimore Orioles game today.....pretty sure I'll be in the shade, but still.....

But anyway, nine years ago Black and Decker made this commercial about two zombies and their dog.  Seriously, this couple died ages ago- who has been feeding that perfectly-groomed Toy You Have To Clean Up After?  Certainly not these people, who act as if getting off that couch requires a call to hospice services.

The joke is that the dust is so deep under that couch that it turns the perfectly white dog black- never mind that the rest of the house is flawlessly, almost obnoxiously clean.  Why couldn't the ad show these people living in a filthy house?  Oh, because even nine years ago, ad companies simply didn't do that.  Back then, as now, everyone on television lives in a gleaming house.  Even when the point of your ad is to show extreme dust buildup.

Why is the "guy" in this ad wearing that robe?  Sorry, I drifted off again.  It's very hot out. 

So Black and Decker makes a vacuum that can reach under couches, which is a good thing 'cause it's clear these people aren't about to move it two feet so they can vacuum there.  These warm corpses just don't do stuff like that.  Because they are dead.

Ok I'm done.  I have to shower and change and get to that ball game in the steam bath which is currently my world.  Stay cool and safe and check pets and elderly people, etc. 

Friday, June 29, 2018

Napoleon Grills is making me hate summer



My favorite YouTube comment associated with this commercial is "this ad gave me cancer."  I'd just suggest a slight amendment to "This ad IS cancer."

Every single one of these Napoleon Grill commercials feature males of my species acting like total dicktards for absolutely no reason except They Are Males In The Suburbs And This Is How They Act We Guess.  If a guy is humiliated, that's worthy of a laugh.  If a guy is hurt, even better.  Now, let's get back to grilling that meat because, well, Remember What We Said About Males in the Suburbs.

How bad are these ads?  So bad, they are going to make summer feel too long.  In other words, they are cancer.  And we aren't even into July yet.  Sigh.

Thursday, June 28, 2018

For When the Commicrats come for you....and they will.....



Sometimes, the snark just writes itself. And those are the commercials I live for.

This ad is allegedly for cheap-quality non-Blublocker sunglasses called "Special Ops" (I guess.  I'm not watching this more than a few times.)  It's actually a parody for every product peddled by phony weekend warriors and pitched to paranoid survivalists who have already maxed out on Glenn Beck's Emergency Food and guns....right?

I mean, this can't be real.  Kris "Tanto" Paranto (whose nickname is known only to himself) can NOT be serious with his schtick, can he?  All that "matter of life and death" to "know your surroundings" while crawling through the desert or a swamp....that's either a joke or an Alex Jones wet dream, take your pick.

Anyway, these amazing sunglasses are just what you need to spot the enemy- Obama or Hillary, specificially- before they get close enough to make a grab for your Bible or your gun.  So they are an absolutely essential addition to any Patriotic, Freedom- Loving American who wants to do his part to Make America Great Again.

Or, like I said before, this is a joke.  I'm going with joke.  I have to.  This is the world I need to live in, after all.

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Roman.Com's "Funny" Erectile Disfunction Ad....



First, let me point out to all of you who are not regular readers of this blog- and that's pretty much all of you, based on the numbers- that I don't do erectile disfunction ads here.  I mean, I've done like three of them over the course of nearly ten years.  That's three out of more than a thousand posts.  I don't do them.

Second, let me assure you that the only reason I even looked at this ad was because I was searching for a particular Napoleon Grill commercial and found this instead.  I was not looking for an erectile disfunction ad, I was looking for one about these obnoxiously overpriced grills.

But, since I've found this ad and actually watched it, I'll take a moment to snark on it's rank offensiveness anyway.  We've got a white guy and a black guy standing next to a grill while insisting to a disembodied voice that they've got no-- um-- problems.  I'm frankly surprised that no women make an appearance to give an eye-roll to their "if anyone here as an issue, it's the guy standing next to me" defensive stutterings.  I'm not at ALL surprised that one of them spends the entire commercial holding a hot dog impaled on a fork, because that's how Subtle works in these ads.  Which is why I don't do them.

Ok, now back to the great Napoleon Grill Search.  Sorry about that.

Sunday, June 24, 2018

Rocket Mortgage continues to hate on women



Here's yet another Rocket Mortgage/Quicken Loans  commercial which is willing to concede that a woman can be extremely smart and successful and even exciting (Megan is a lawyer who totally demolishes the other side AND is on the verge of confirming the existance of Bigfoot?) but when it comes to doing the Maths is basically just a helpless, silly, addled little girl.

Megan has the Sads because for all her brilliance, mortgages are full of percentages and numbers and all those other things that hurt her little Girl Brain.  Law is words and talking and we all know how women can talk the bark off a tree, but when it comes to numbers, well, let's not get silly.  And let's not judge, either- we wouldn't expect a man to be able to diaper a baby without stabbing it or cook a meatloaf without burning down the kitchen, so it would be totally unfair to expect a woman to work out a mortgage schedule.  Everything- and everyone- in their place, as they say.

Fortunately some GUY invented Quicken Loans and since there aren't THAT many numbers on a phone (not that it matters- who has ever met a woman who doesn't know how to use a phone LOL!) Megan can use one to find the perfect mortgage.  After all, it's "simple," and nothing appeals to women more than stuff that's simple. 

Now she just needs to use that phone to find herself a man, because when you think about it, she looks like she's around thirty and no way a female should be worrying her pretty little head about mortgages at her age. 

Saturday, June 23, 2018

Galaxy Presents: A woman going nowhere fast



The woman in this ad....oh, I could spend all day on this post, but I'm tired after a long week of classes and have other things to do.....

1.  She's at the airport and she's holding up the people in line because she didn't think to upload her boarding pass until she reached security.  Um, I'm 54 years old and I know enough to TAKE A SCREENSHOT OF MY BOARDING PASS so nothing needs to be loaded.  I also know that boarding passes can still be printed up- and I ALWAYS get a printed copy of my pass, because, you know, stuff still happens. 

2.  She's on the plane and oh noes she can't use her phone to keep what's left of her atrophied brain amused for a few hours, meanwhile she's got a case of the jealous sads because everyone else on the planet is watching movies on their Much Better Much Faster Phones.  You know, stupid woman, there are these things called "books" and "magazines" that don't need to be streamed or downloaded, right?  Even better, they don't need any external memory.  They just need you to have a vocabulary, but you probably tossed that out a few years ago when you discovered Grammarly and talk-to-text, right?

3.  She's trying to get a taxi- oh what am I saying, she's trying to get an Uber, taxis are so 20th century- but she can't because her phone is, again, too slow.  So she's in the rain (we can assume she didn't know it was going to rain because her phone failed to tell her, so no umbrella)  and totally helpless because she's tossed aside all her life experience and sense to lean on her ubiquitious electronic crutch. 

4.  She finally does get a ride, but then she sees a Samsung store and tells the driver to let her off so she can run in and get her slow phone fixed or something.  It takes no time at all for the commissioned salesperson to convince her that there's nothing she can do to make her phone be at her beck and call to save her from her helpless self.  I mean, she COULD get rid of some apps but that's just silly.  So she'll just shell out some more money and upgrade, problem solved.  In the final scene, we find her Loving Her Phone Again 'Cause It's Fast Enough to allow her to sit in an easy chair and stare at something on the screen.  We don't see the phone actually saving her from a situation her non-cellphone owning parents would have had no problem dealing with.  She's just watching something, giving her atrophied brain yet another vacation.

(Oh, and we get some weird scene where a total stranger and his kid stare at her like she's the last free human in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers."  They can just TELL she has an inferior, slow phone and she MUST be assimilated or she can expect to be sneered at for being such a luddite.  How do they know that her stress is being caused by her phone and not the heavy rain or some unspoken problem in her life?  There's probably an App for that.)

Seriously, WTF Samsung?  Paper boarding passes.  Books, Magazines, Daydreaming.  Taxis.  How freaking helpless and dependent on electronics do you want us to be?  Do I really want you to answer that?


Friday, June 22, 2018

Up into your neighbor's Napoleon Grill? Get help!



I've had more than enough of these Napoleon Grill ads which feature rich white guys standing outside ridiculous suburban mansions playing with equally ridiculous, utterly opulent grills which feature more bells and whistles than most automobiles.

In this one, a creep is so damned obsessed with all the fun he can have with his neighbor's grill that he's actually snuck on to the property in the middle of the night to engage in a little fantasy grilling.  He doesn't steal the damn thing, he just shovels raw food on and into it so he can engage in what can only be described as illicit grill sex.  I'm sorry, but I don't know any other way to put it- the weirdo is having an affair with his neighbor's grill.

And of course the punchline comes when the seriously disturbed jackass is interrupted in his fantasy play by the grill's owner, who doesn't seem at all surprised to find a guy he clearly knows very well cooking with his grill, right in his yard.  Maybe this is just something that rich white twads in the suburbs expect from eachother, I don't know.

What I do know is that the grill featured in his ad retails online at the official site for something north of $5000.  No, I'm not kidding.  This grill costs more than a two-week, 4-star tour through Europe.   So maybe that's why I don't understand the guys in these ads- I don't know anyone with that kind of money to throw away on an outdoor kitchen, and I don't WANT to know anyone who covets his neighbor's barbecuing system.  Just too disturbing.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Match.com went there, one year ago today



In this ad, Match.com goes totally Seven Brides for Seven Brothers on us.  From the opening scene, it's made totally clear that the ONLY reason this guy needs to find himself a female is because his kid is sick to death of burned food.  Howard Keel/Dad needs to go into town and find himself a woman- ANY woman, because there's a kid to be taken care of and food to be shopped for and cooked and a house to be kept clean. 

And as if this isn't creepy/retro enough for you, Match.com ramps it up by having the KID take charge of the whole Getting Dad Back Into The Game thing.  This little boy simply cannot WAIT to have another woman in the house so he can actually have a damn meatloaf that isn't burned for a change (women are genetically designed to cook meatloaf, you know.)  So he fills out his dad's dating profile, selling his dad not as a worthless, helpless, scared little doofus but as a Real Catch because Oh Freaking Lord We Just Need a Woman Here.

And then we get the hilarious punchline- when a susceptible female bites on the hook and agrees to a date, the kid sets her up to meet Dad at the aquarium.  And then he comes along! 

Let's take a look at this from a few angles, shall we?

1.  If you are the guy, you are telling the woman straight out that you are property of this little boy who runs your life, and if she's going to get a second date she'd better impress that kid.  I'm frankly surprised the guy came along on the first date, he doesn't seem necessary here at all.  He could have just given his credit card to the kid- he's got the computer password and unfettered online access after all, why not?

2.  If you are the woman who showed up for a blind date and found yourself being sized up as Potential Housekeeper Material by this kid, well, you know a lot about that guy that wasn't specifically listed on his profile page, don't you?  You going to go through with this?  Why?  So you can have a great story to tell your female friends who talked you into Match.com later?

3.  If you are this guy's ex-wife....well, what do you think about your kid being introduced to your ex on the first date?  Just curious.

4.  If you are the kid in this commercial....oh no, I can't even begin to go THERE.  Someone else is going to have to wade through THAT damage.  Way too disturbing for me.

Let's keep in mind that this is specifically a FATHER'S DAY AD.  A Father's Day Ad with the message that fathers are totally butt-worthless as well as being guilty of neglect every day they continue to pretend they can raise a kid without a woman in the house.  Stop acting like you can be a parent, Stupid Man!  Kids need decent meals and clean houses!  Get back out there and lasso yourself one of them women folks so we can get some decent service around here!

Sick.