Sunday, November 18, 2018

Second-by-Second Breakdown of this Best Western Commercial



Yes, I'm doing whatever I can do avoid writing a review sheet, writing a test, or revising my report card comments.  I might even clean my bathroom and vacuum after I finish this.

.01 Seconds- why does this woman look like she's just conquered a Best Western Hotel?  Holy crap, I understand and admire being proud of your job, but it's a freaking Best Western.  And you don't own the freaking place, you just work there!  WT Serious F???

..02- And now she looks into a bag and acts like it contains a million-dollar check from Publisher's Clearing House which will free her from the drudgery of a life that requires her to stay at Best Western Hotels,

.03 - but it turns out that it's just a free night stay, which causes her to spin into a dance of joy WTF IS GOING ON HERE??

.05- now she's eating her craptacular Continental Breakfast and being interrupted by an impossibly thrilled-to-death drone employee who just lives to ask her if he wants more freaking orange juice.  Good lord, woman, it's a Continental Breakfast.  If the guest wants more OJ, she can get the hell up and get it herself.  If you want to go around offering it that's fine, but please stop shoving your face into people who are just trying to eat to ask if they want their glass refilled.

:07- I work out at the local YMCA four times a week.  I am long past the thrill of walking on a treadmill.  This crazy woman acts as if it is the greatest moment of her life- or, at least, the greatest moment of her life since that time she won a free night at Best Western.

The final six seconds of this crappy nub of an ad is that way-too-familiar perky narrator squeaking about how superamazingawesome it is to get double rewards points because it results in even more nights at America's Favorite Bland Chain Hotel.  Yay.

Time to clean that bathroom.

Saturday, November 17, 2018

Kelly Ripa gives us more reasons to hate Ancestry.com



So finding out you are 24% Italian increases the likelihood that you'll become an insufferable navel-gazing douchenozzle twat roughly 100%?  That your odds of being bearable around actual human beings drops roughly 75%?  Can someone explain to me how this commercial "sells" Ancestry.com as anything more than an opportunity to become more impossibly self-absorbed than you already are?

"Want to never, ever be invited to parties again?  Want people to scream in terror at your approach?  Get your results at Ancestry.com!"

Oh, by the way, here's Kelly Ripa's complete genetic breakdown, hacked from Wikileaks:

24% Italian

22% All My Children

54% Botox*

*I'm sorry, but this woman is 48 years old.  She does not look like this in real life.  The reason why she's constantly smiling in this ad  is because her face is permanently frozen in that position.  I don't think she is physically capable of blinking at this point. 

Friday, November 16, 2018

Discover Card doesn't want our opinion of this bit of soft racism



I'm not at all surprised that comments are blocked on YouTube for this ad.  Almost 60% of those who have responded with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down have rendered a negative verdict on it, and I suspect that a significant number of those thumbs-up are robo-generated.  I have no evidence for this, just a faint level of faith in my fellow humans.

This woman....I mean, jesus.  I know that she's probably just getting started in her acting career and is hoping that just maybe this will be the start of something bigger somewhere down the road, but....I'm sorry.  There is such a thing as a price too high to pay, lady.  When the director of this ugly little nub of awful told you to start shimmying while chanting "I got my mon-ey!" you really should have just given him a dirty look and walked away.  You should have just said "no, this just isn't worth it, I'm sorry."

Instead, you agreed to put on a five-second minstrel show and behaved like a braying jackass in front of millions of people who, as it turns out, probably never want to see your face or hear your voice in anything ever, ever again.  I hope it was worth it. I kind of doubt that it was.

Sunday, November 11, 2018

The Mysterious, Sad World of GreenDot



I get what Green Dot cards are- they are a way for people whose credit rating is in the toilet so they can't get a standard VISA card from a standard bank to carry money around using plastic anyway.  They are for people whose finances are such a mess- or so meagre- that they can't go down to the nearest bank and open a basic savings or checking account and get a debit card.  They are for people who lack identification or the most rudimentary knowledge of how banks work.  They are for the people who live on the margins of the economy, and they for sure don't include this screeching nutcase making blood money by singing of the joys of using buggy, unpredictable plastic cards to electronically store cash in between trips to the Dollar Tree.

But I really hate the fact that these cards are being promoted as a PREFERABLE ALTERNATIVE to those "big banks" which are probably not an option to the target audience.  This woman sings about the joy of avoiding "bank fees"- but Green Dot cards come with fees that are actually higher than some credit cards, and MUCH higher that Debit Cards (because Debit Cards typically come with NO fees.)  Read the fine print and check how much you'll pay for the "convenience" of having your paycheck direct-deposited on to one of these things if you don't believe me.

She suggests that using big banks is a royal pain, but when you have a dispute over a purchase or an account balance, which would you rather deal with- an automated phone bank featuring an endless loop of recorded "options" followed (if you're lucky) by a conversation with someone who barely speaks or understands English and who is sitting in an Indian boiler room, or that awful big bank down the street which has actual people you can discuss your problems with face to face?  Seems like a pretty obvious choice to me.

And what I hate most of all is that these things are just another element in the sub-economy that includes Dollar Stores, Rent A Center and CashStop "services."  Just another industry aimed at the most vulnerable, being sold as some wonderful innovation that "spares" it's audience the "hassle" of conveniences and protections the rest of us enjoy.  Really disturbing, and very sad.

Saturday, November 10, 2018

Hyundai Kona joins the male-bashing parade...



This guy is married to an astronaut. She's got a PhD in Engineering and another in Mathematics, and she beat out more than 5000 applicants to land this extremely delicate job on an orbiting space station which might just make scientific history.   He's a stupid shlub who can't remember where he put the keys to their crappy little compact car, so he has to keep bugging her to unlock it from space using her SmartPhone. 

She does this, grudgingly, wondering why on Earth (no pun intended) she's a brilliant, talented scientist who settled for a worthless loser who can't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight and can't keep stop losing his car keys. 

And don't even get me started on how the signal from her phone even reaches that car from space.  I'm not at all sure that this is possible, whether the phone is using terrestrial cell towers or satellites to transfer that signal.  Or how Inept Moron  Married to an Astronaut (oh, the power of that MRS Degree!) can talk to someone in space using a cellphone while my calls from Barre to Orange- 5 miles apart- fail to connect or get dropped regularly. 

And I'm not even going to bother to mention that other commercials for this ugly little car do little more than advertise it as a place to charge your cellphone and check your social media, like an uncomfortable, cramped version of your freaking living room.  No time for any of that when the real message is the old familiar one- women are beautiful, brilliant and ultra-competent beings who inexplicity but with numbing regularity hook up with stupid, clumsy, barely-functional males of the same species Because Reasons. 

Thursday, November 8, 2018

Duracell and Santa Claus: The Annual Mugging Begins



Ugh, we are still weeks away from Thanksgiving and we are already being ssaulted by commercials featuring "Santa Claus" and his reliance on some stupid product?  That's not very promising. When I was a kid, Santa Claus sold razors and Coca-Cola.  Now he sells everything from batteries to luxury automobiles.  And when I was a kid, the commercials whoring out Santa Claus didn't start until we were digging into the turkey sandwiches.  Now we're lucky if they are held in storage until after Halloween.

And oh, by the way, why are the people in this ad using objects that look like they belong in commercials from the 1980s?  Everything here looks clunky and totally retro.  Maybe because this is an ad for batteries that aren't the shape of matchbooks or the size of dimes- you know, the thinks most kids think about when they imagine "batteries" these days?

Oh, and one more thing- how the hell could this woman find the gall to blame Santa Claus for her inability to look up before she walks into the Christmas tree?  I mean, seriously, WTF?  "Oh look, I crashed into the tree and it's all your fault because you used crummy batteries in this plastic piece of crap and I was struggling with it and was totally distracted?"  Would that really fly with anybody?

Sunday, November 4, 2018

This Verizon Fios creep brings out the worst in me



1.  So JD Power hands out awards to crappy truck companies AND internet cable systems?  Well, isn't that something.  And it turns out that two people pay attention to JD Power's rankings- the scruffy Eurotrash douchenozzle whose entire acting career involves pretending to keep Real People Not Actors in suspense about the make of the truck he's showing them, and this squishy little creep.

2.  Why is this blob of protoplasm congratulating the installation guy on a reward "won" by his employer?  Why does he think the installation guy gives a flying damn?  What is this kid going to do next- head down to McDonald's and high-five the guy cleaning the windows because McDonald's is the world's largest fast food chain for the 40th year in a row?

3.  If I turned around and saw this smear of molecules standing next to me, I think I'd jump out of my shoes, not respond with a a calm, casual "hey."  Once I got over my morbid curiousity, I might ask him why he's so obsessed with a cable company- seriously, shouldn't this creep be back in his house playing video games?  I mean, it DOES look like a nice day there.  What is he doing outside?

4. "Want me to watch the van?"  What the hell?  It's easy to imagine that this -- umm-- "person" engaged in conversation with the cable guy as a ruse with the ultimate goal of stealing installation equipment to put under his pillow or perhaps hang on the wall of his bedroom to swoon over in private.  This is really getting disturbing, Verizon.  Not as disturbing as that kid, all by himself, but disturbing.

Saturday, November 3, 2018

Before it ruins TV, Hulu is out to ruin society



Actually, society was ruined by the stupid electronics that allow us to "enjoy" brain-dead television everywhere quite some time ago, so maybe it does make more sense to argue that Hulu is going to "ruin television."

All I see in this ad are idiots wasting their lives staring at small screens no matter where they are or what they are doing.  Laying on your bed, sitting in a restaurant, actually "socializing" with fellow human life forms, whatever- keep staring at that streaming video, keep consuming this crap and when you get done binging on whatever swill Netflix shoveled into your vacant brain last season, get to "work" binging on the next pointless crap Now Available On Your Electronic Device.

And I'm not going to shed any tears over the final two seconds of this noxious crud, where we see that Hulu will ruin the experience of flying Business Class as loathsome wastes of organs like this wretched woman (I don't care who she is, so don't bother to tell me.  Seriously.  I DON'T CARE) laugh out loud at whatever they are watching without headphones, startling you away from your book or nap or thoughts or conversation with the person next to you.  Because the real message of this ad is identical to pretty much every ad featuring cell phones made over the past ten years or so- the only reason to exist on Earth nowadays is to watch stuff on TV and "share" that experience with the people around you with your reactions to the brain candy you're "enjoying."  That's it.  That's all there is.

I won't be "ruining TV" by getting Hulu-- because TV was ruined forever ago by Netflix and Amazon Prime Video and multiple other Garbage Delivery Systems which allow the zombies to watch it wherever, whenever.  TV isn't a way to unwind after work - it's the Be All and End All for more and more people.  Hulu isn't the problem- it's just part of it.  This commercial is all about Hulu trying to be a BIGGER part of the problem.   What a great goal, Hulu.  If you get there, it will be without me.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Beware of non-Greek morons bearing slop disguised as Greek Food.



I guess Arby's just figures that there aren't enough Greek-Americans to kick up a fuss at this obnoxious, insulting little nub of an ad.  They don't care about the rantings of a blogger with next to no followers even after ten years in the field, they sure don't care about the less than 1 percen of Americans who proudly trace their ancestory back to Greece.

So I'm not even going to bother snarking on this jackass for telling us how he "sees the flavors" in these sandwiches.  WTF-ever, I get you're trying to be poetic as you tell us about faux-Greek food from your garbage junk dealer "restaurant."  There's not much point when 99 out of every 100 idiots who order these sandwiches will pronounce their name wrong.  I just hate all of you right now.


Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Snickers hates families, responsibility, people in general....



This guy is daydreaming about quitting his job, deserting his family, and "just walking away."  Naturally, the YouTube glue-sniffers think this is just hysterical.

In fact, this commercial would actually work if we then cut to his wife thinking exactly the same thing.  No wait, it really wouldn't- because then we'd have Snickers presenting as comedy the idea that BOTH parents are fantasizing about abandoning all responsibility - "just walking away."

I guess the idea is that "you aren't yourself when you're hungry"- the guy doesn't REALLY want to abandon his wife and kids, he just slips into that mindset when his tummy is a little grumbly.  Is that supposed to make this more understandable?  Doesn't work for me.

Oh, and the YouTubers losing control of your bodily functions over this?  I bet none of you have jobs, a family, or a date in your measurable past or your perceivable future.   And I'm certain that the guy who called this a "dad joke" gets all of his information about "dads" from Andy Capp and For Better or For Worse strips.

Monday, October 29, 2018

Chevy's Real People, Not Actors ad campaign is no longer credible. So why is it still on the air?



So the same boring jackass has been hosting these Chevrolet "Real People Not Actors" commercials for YEARS now, but we are supposed to believe that Chevy can still find a group of Americans willing to be driven out into the desert and then "quizzed" about the identity of the truck manufacturer the spokeschoad is talking about and be even slightly uncertain as to what the correct answer is?  Really?

If I had been part of this group and heard the woman standing next to me answer "um...Ford?" I would have turned to her and responded "what, seriously?  Are you kidding me?  This guy is only slightly less recognizable than Flo from the Progressive Ads or that Eurodouche dweeb from Verizon.  He's asking you, a Real Person Not an Actor, to name the company that built the truck speeding toward you in the middle of this desert.  And you're totally clueless as to the answer?  What freaking rock have YOU been living under?"

Come on, Chevy.  You can't get away with this anymore.  You had a good run with this schtick- a good run which ended about three years ago, to be honest with you.  But you insisted on beating the bit to death because there's no end to the population of attention-starved jackanapes willing to slobber over your crappy trucks on TV.  Seriously, though- it's over.  Move on.  Because it's just not possible to believe the Looks of Amazement Upon Discovering Oh It's Chevy You're Talking About looks anymore.  It hasn't been, for a long time.  But nobody expected you to get it until long, long after we did.

In fact, every single one of your ads is a celebration of dishonesty.  Your Real People not Actors commercials feature people at least attempting to act.  And your "I just wanted to tell you....just one more thing" yapping jackass is also reading from a script.  This is obvious, and you clearly don't care that you're lying because you have zero respect for your potential customers.  What the hell did we ever do to you?

Again, please.  Stop insulting us and move on.

Sunday, October 28, 2018

Mastercard's baby commercial leaves me with questions



1.  This guy seems perfectly competent when it comes to caring for that baby.  He isn't stumbling around, he doesn't look completely clueless and confused, and the kid never seems in any danger of being killed in 500 different ways during her 15-minute Dad time.  Maybe Commercial Land is starting to get it- we are way past the days of Michael Keaton and Mr.Mom, and guys taking care of their own offspring is not exactly like fish trying to ride bicycles.

2.  On the other hand, we see absolutely no interaction between Dad and Child throughout this entire ad.  The guy is just going about his day-to-day and the baby just happens to be along for the ride.  We never once see him kiss her or talk to her or in any way acknowledge her existance.  No, she's not in danger- but she's in no way Dad's active companion as he engages in one financial transaction after another.  She's JUST THERE.  Might as well be in a stroller or a backpack.

3.  This baby has bare feet throughout the entire journey from store to store, only wearing shoes when she's home....what the hell?  What was the weather like out there?  Let's assume it was nice and warm, because that way I don't have to get rid of Point #1.  But why stick shoes on the kid after you bring it in the house? 

Saturday, October 27, 2018

More from the Adventures of CashNetUSA Man and the sad people who are grateful to him



So this woman gets an unexpectedly high bill and exclaims "I don't know what to do!"  Which I'm pretty sure is supposed to translate into "I don't have the money to pay this bill, and because I know absolutely nothing about how these things work, I assume that I'll be in debtor's prison this time next week!"

The disgusting spokeschoad for CashNetUSA.com who, I should charitably ad, is just a struggling actor trying to land his big break by making a total ass of himself on these commercials (I imagine that he daydreams being shown clips from these ads by Conan O'Brien someday while they both have a good laugh over his Humble Roots in the Trade) hears that she's in need of money and runs up six flights of stairs to intercept her and encourage her to check out the people who pay him.  Turns out that she can get that extra money she needs maybe even within 24 hours as long as she's got a car or something else she can risk losing and is willing to pay interest rates that would choke a horse.  Naturally, she's grateful.

Of course, if your credit rating isnt' in the toilet, you deal with things like this by using a credit card or taking out a small bank loan to cover the unexpected expense.  I suspect that CashNetUSA.com isn't all that interested in people whose credit rating isn't in the toilet- unless some of those people are actually stupid enough to think that CashNetUSA.com is a better alternative than a credit card payment or a bank loan (Earth to those people:  No, it's not.)  These people do exist, judging from the number of posts at RipoffReport.com written by Rent A Center customers who claim that they have good credit ratings, bank accounts, and credit cards yet STILL decided to rent at usury-level interest rates Just Because It Seemed Convenient And Plus I'm Stupid.


Friday, October 26, 2018

Geico presents the Big Family in the Tiny House joke



I usually wrap with this observation,  but this time I'll get it over with early- every single one of the comments posted under this video (other than my own, of course) is the product of a mentally ill chipmunk or a nickle-per-post loser trying to scrape together enough money to hit the McDonald's Dollar Menu.  You people are SAD.

Ok, on to this commercial:  Sure doesn't take much to get this guy happy, does it?  One last strip of grass on a lawn the size of a postage stamp?  I guess I should be grateful that this fat slob doesn't have a riding mower, but jeesh, buddy.  Not a whole lot going on in your life, is there?

Oh, and you save money with Geico, so you and your weird obese family can afford a few extra take-out pizzas per month, isn't that special.  Maybe you should knock off the junk food and save the money for a new addition on your tiny house which is nowhere big enough for your family of rhinos- seriously, it looks like you guys have to take turns using the living room.  To quote Daffy Duck, that house looks like you guys have to go outside to change your minds.  To paraphrase Mr. Burns, you are the fattest family I've seen in years, and I've been on Safari.

I'm sure that sounds mean, but that's only because it is.  This guy is stupid and gross and that house is comically small and his family is dumb to be so happy in it.  Even if I didn't hate everything already I'd loathe this commercial, but they sure make it easy.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Verizon's ubiquitious scumsucking loser promotes the death of stores



This creepy, greasy Eurotrash jagoff is taking a break from roaming around suburbs and parks jumping people with "information" about Verizon to hang out in a store having a verbal orgasm over the latest overpriced shiny toy that lets you buy things.

Not satisfied to gush over This Month's Must-Have Phone Offer to himself, he decides he's going to strike up a conversation with a Pretty Young Diverse Couple which was just minding it's own business and maybe already talking to an actual employee of the store.  He tells the guy side of the couple that he can find the sneakers he's wearing online.  Because the guy has apparently been living in a box for his entire life, he doesn't believe the claim that one could use a smart phone to shop online, I mean what kind of magic is that?

So greasy Verizon spokeschoad proves him wrong (I guess, we don't really see this, the ad just ends with him mugging for the camera with his stupid extremely punchable face.)  Let's take a moment to sum up the point of this guy's pitch- he's standing in an actual store, telling a customer that this new smartphone makes it super-easy to find and purchase sneakers online.  You just take a picture of sneakers, and "it will tell you where you can buy them."  You can do this in any store- just go to the nearest FootLocker, point your phone at a pair of sneakers on the shelf, and two seconds later you'll be told where you can buy them ONLINE.  Be sure to thank the FootLocker employee for putting the sneakers on display, and if you think about it, apologize for costing him a sale (and, eventually, his job.)

By the same logic, isn't it just as easy to use that smartphone- or any other smartphone, or a laptop, or the bulky desktop computer at the local library- to buy another smartphone?  Isn't this skinny uber-creep just telling us that the Verizon store he's standing in is an endangered species and that all those people working there will be searching for another dead-end, commission-based job in the dwindling brick and mortar economy in the very near future.....thanks, at least partially, to Verizon?

Finally- can someone please just kick this jackass to the curb already?  And then run over him while you're at it?  Please?

Sunday, October 21, 2018

There are no Stakes to raise, Subway



I wonder how many times Subway thought we wanted to watch some kid's pathetic YouTube footage of him "accomplishing" the trick of flipping a water bottle so it lands on its cap- the kind of thing I take points off of tests for if my kids do it in class is something to be "celebrated" as an "accomplishment" to Subway, I guess.

The only thing I see being "accomplished" here is another episode in the very, very American series entitled "watch I filmed myself doing something almost unbelievably pointless and without value by any stretch of the imagination and even throw my hands up in triumph when I accomplished this stunningly stupid and pointless thing." 

Since there are no "stakes" here, I can only guess that Subway went with the tagline "Let's Raise the Stakes" in order to make a totally lame pun about Steak in the sandwiches.  Ok, fine- but why not accompany that little bit of punnery with someone actually ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING- why not show this kid getting first prize in a Science Fair or a 5 on an Advanced Placement Exam or even winning a board game with grandma (in which everyone wins, because time was spent with grandma instead of by yourself with your camera flipping a freaking bottle 2000 times until you "succeeded" in getting it land on it's cap, good lord just kill yourself now ok?)

Oh, right- because that's not at all funny or entertaining.  Never mind that this is pretty much the opposite of funny or entertaining, regardless of what the glue-sniffing morons in the comment section seem to think.  I'm going to avoid Subway out of principle after seeing this ad because man this is stupid- and calling it "stupid" is being really mild.

Saturday, October 20, 2018

So I guess we aren't going to explore an interesting relationship in this Jim Beam ad?



1.  Why is this woman even thinking about which whiskey to purchase at the bar?  She was already clued in to the deliciously daring goodness of Jim Beam whiskey in a previous ad.  She seems to have forgotten her previous encounter with Mila Kunis which, I'm sorry, is not at all plausible to me.

2.  Is this woman with the guy standing right next to her?  If so, why is he ordering only for himself?  If not, why is he standing right next to her?  It sure looks like they are together- but (and I know it's been a while since I've been on the dating scene) isn't it still kind of traditional for the guy to order for the woman he's with before asking for his own drink?

3.  Why does Kunis dissapear at the end of this ad?  Is she supposed to be a ghost, or what?

Friday, October 19, 2018

Google's Salute to the World it Made



In this commercial, Google celebrates the Idiocracy it helped create with it's Instant Answers Don't Even Think About It magic machines.  Haha, check out all the idiots who think that Lincoln is Jefferson and Tomatoes are Tangarines, thank goodness they've got their magic box in their chubby hands to do their thinking for them!

And if that isn't enough to make you weep for your generation, just check out the comments.  I dare you. When did quoting a commercial or typing "I LOST IT LOL" become worthy of approval?  And why didn't I just die way before that happened?

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

So AFLAC never denies claims, right?



Yes, because insurance companies are so anxious to pay off claims that they'll pop up and attempt to shove money into your face if they even THINK you're injured.  Especially AFLAC, whose duck- which stopped being funny about twenty years ago BTW- will practically jump you with a bill full of money if you so much as HINT that you might be in need of financial assistance.  Uh huh.

The only thing more ridiculous than the notion that AFLAC just can't wait to hand you money is the suggestion that this woman actually forgot that she signed up to pay for very, very expensive insurance.  How big is this woman's salary if she didn't even notice those huge chunks of it being handed to AFLAC every freaking payday?

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Chubb sells insurance to people much, much better than me



Chubb Commercial # 1- this rich jackass is waxing poetic about the palatial estate that has been in his family for years and years that he loves very much but rarely visits because after all, he's got six other homes to live in.  He has insurance on it from this disgusting company called Chubb (which just SOUNDS like it's insurance to protect the toys of the very wealthy.)

This guy is so impressed that when wildfires broke out around his Ancestorial Estate and other losers were watching their So-Called Homes going up in smoke because they couldn't afford Chubb Insurance, Chubb sent a private firefighting squad to protect the house he owns but doesn't live in.  Doesn't occur to this jackass that maybe Chubb just did the math and figured out that it would be a lot cheaper to protect the house from fire than replace the house if it went up in flames.  Nah, he's too busy thinking how he "didn't ask them" to protect his house.  I wonder if he's irritated because he was hoping to use the Total Loss Settlement to buy property he might actually want and use.  Either way, here's a company that was willing to risk the lives of firefighters to protect some guy's seventh house - firefighters who I'm sure stood by and watched the houses of Not Customers and Therefore Not People reduced to rubble- and this is supposed to be heartwarming (no pun intended.)  Uh huh.



Chubb Commercial # 2- I don't encourage anyone to slog their way through this entire Special Insurance for Special People ad; it's pretty disgusting and if it doesn't make you long for the good old days when pigs like this were being marched off to the National Razor to the cheers of the crowd you are no friend of mine.  Instead, I'll just point out one scene near the end, where a greying man is standing in front of a McMansion talking about how Chubb Insurance protects "everything he owns" while his wife and kid look on appreciatively from the front yard.  That pretty much says it all, doesn't it?


Saturday, October 13, 2018

State Farm's Obnoxious "Dream House" Ad leaves me wishing for a bear attack



1.  I knew ten seconds in that these idiots from Safe Diversity Casting INC were Urbanites who got all their "information" about living in the country from old Disney films.  I mean, the woman here imagines that birds are something other than dirty pests and that it would be fun to have a disease-ridden, sharp-toothed-and-clawed rodent hanging around like a dog.

2.  I knew twenty seconds in that I was watching a BS overdose presented to us by State Farm because there's this weird connection attempted between "Savings Accounts" and "Buying a Dream Home."  It sure SOUNDS LIKE we're supposed to get "if you save money with State Farm you'll have money for that Dream Home, because unlike every other bank on the planet we actually pay high dividends on Savings Accounts instead of nothing at all."  What the commercial is REALLY saying is "if you do any business at all with State Farm, you'll have access to financial experts who can guide you to good investments that might- MIGHT- get you the money you need for that Dream House someday."

3.  I knew thirty seconds in that the people who made this ad decided that the only way they could get their point across was to shame urban-dwellers as disgusting losers who live in small, cramped apartments on noisy streets because they are too oafish and stupid to take advantage of the awesome opportunities offered by State Farm.  Nothing to do with stagnant incomes or anything like that.  The nice couple  starring in this commercial, obviously way too good to be living in this nasty apartment better suited for Lesser People, will soon escape this Urban Dystopia for something more suitable to their station in life.  I'm sure they'll wave to sad, uninformed scum as they drive away.

Friday, October 12, 2018

Playstation Continues to Redefine the word "Mature"



MATURE (Adjective) 1.  Complete in natural growth or development. 2.  Ripe, as fruit, or fully aged, as wine or cheese.  2.  Fully developed in body or mind.

Hmmmm....none of these seem to fit Playstation 4's newest version of it's long-running abomination, "Call of Duty," which always involves turning being a soldier into a freaking joke and something you can do from your mommy's couch.  While wearing a hat you can use as a weapon now, I guess.

So can someone please explain to me why these games are rated "mature?"  That word sure as hell doesn't describe anyone who actually plays them.

However, it does come a lot closer to describing the game than it does any of the drooling, semi-literate idiots who responded to this trailer on YouTube.  I weep for my nation when I read some of this crap.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Capital One and Jennifer Garner live in a fantasy world...



...where people actually keep their voices down in a public library.  I can't remember the last time I was in a library where people even attempted to keep their voices down- hell, I consider myself fortunate when there isn't at last one disgusting jagoff using a freaking cell phone when I go to the library.

...where adults actually sit and read and kids actually do what appears to be research (they've got notebooks and paper) at the library.  What is this, the 1980s?  I mean, I really hope I'm wrong and this is still a very common sight- but when I go to the library there are always more people wasting time on the computers than actually reading.  And doing research?  At the library?  That's still a thing?

....where it makes perfect sense for a credit card spokeschoad to enthusiastically whisper praises of a that credit card to a random elderly librarian stock character.  Why is Ms Garner doing this?  Why is the librarian the perfect candidate for the Capital One Credit Card, and why is now the time to be pitching that card?

....where in response to "imagine the miles," the librarian apparently does so and instantly breaks out into a "Wow That's a Lot of Miles" scream?  We can see the librarian's screen- she didn't go to Capital One and check out how many miles she could get.  She just started "imagining" the miles she could get and apparently got floored by her own math?  What the hell was that all about?

I really don't know what is going on here.  I'm missing something.  What is it?  A lobotomy?

Monday, October 8, 2018

The Vector Robot: Because "None of the Above" is not an option



In a sane world, the punchline of this ad is "stop relying on these stupid 'personal assistant robots,' stop acting like you are totally helpless unless you've got some electronic device in your house that responds to your commands, get your act together and your ass off your couch and stop being a ridiculous pathetic jagoff when it comes to managing your own life."

Because we no longer live in a sane world, it's just about picking the RIGHT command-obeying robot to do your thinking for you and to allow you to be a lazy toddler for your entire life.

I'm not buying in.  Not EVER.  My mother adopted to the internet and cellphones, even though they didn't come around until she was in her early-60s, but that doesn't mean I have to accept that an electronic personal assistant is now a neccessary appliance just because I'm considerably younger than that.  I don't play video games, I don't watch movies on my phone, and I don't need to bleat commands at a robot sitting on my shelf. 



Sunday, October 7, 2018

Trophy Wives Unite For Nexplanon!



"When my future husband plucked me from the harsh realities of Real Adult Life shortly after I graduated from High School because he wanted to upgrade from his Inconveniently The Same Age original wife, I was totally on board with the idea that I'd be expected to add to his already-extant family."

"I fulfilled my side of the bargain by producing several children for the old guy who saved me from the Scary Real World and who gave me a new last name and a MRS degree."

"But now I'm done.  I've got the contract right here, and it clearly says that I've done my duty and I've had as many kids as required in exchange for that nice house and financial security."

"That's why there's Nexplanon.  Because he's still going to want to have sex with me for a few more years- until I, like his first wife, start to get a bit stale and no longer have that young-girl glow that he obviously can't live without.  Then I'll get dumped with a financial settlement, just like Wife No. 1.  I totally get that.  So I'm not going to put my body through any more torture than absolutely necessary. An hour a day on the Pelaton bike is enough, believe me!"

"Now if you'll excuse me, I've left Hubby in the same room alone with the babysitter for several minutes now, and that's never a good idea."

Saturday, October 6, 2018

Zyrtec's Bizarrely gross "Coffee" ad




Here's one of those truly repulsive, ugly little knobs of an ad that you can't quite believe managed to make it past the quality control board and on to your screen.

One person in this car of amazingly diverse group of women has allergies- so she hi-LARIOUSLY sneezes the whipped cream on her not-coffee all over the windshield- because that's what happens when you're holding something that it topped with whipped cream when you sneeze.  You kind of automatically jam your nose up against the whipped cream so it can spray everywhere.  And then it WILL spray everywhere Because Television.

Her "friends" think that this disgusting moment is epic funny.  They also think that every sneeze must be a symptom of an actual medical condition because they instantly hand their "friend" a bottle of Zyrtec.  Because you can't just sneeze.  You must have a bad cold, or allergies, or something.  Something that can be fixed with powerful drugs.

Anyway, these "friends" won't be "friends" much longer, because apparently they are going to remind the sneezer of That Time She Sneezed Foam All Over The Windshield instead of oh, I don't know, moving her face slightly or covering her mouth or doing any number of Normal things a person would do other than sneeze right into a cup topped with whipped cream.  This woman will be finding another carpool filled with actual human beings and maybe ordering drinks that aren't topped with Magic Flying Foam.  Or at least learning some of those manners she should have picked up before she moved out of her Mom's house for chrissakes.

(BTW, no surprise that the Comment Section is blocked for this ad.  Some commercials are too gross and dumb even for the LOL I LOVE THIS AD squad that haunts YouTube.)

Thursday, October 4, 2018

Taco Bell "Movie Jail?"



Never Mind "Movie Jail."  Smuggle that 3000-calorie pile of Taco Bell crud you are "in love with" into the theater, stinking it up for everyone else, and I hope someone rips that hoodie off and shoves it down your selfish taco hole while the rest of the patrons beat you to death with your own sense of entitlement.


Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Oh yeah, and this is a booking.com commercial which has zero to do with booking rooms.



"Are you filming this?"

The guy sounds like he doesn't want his family to be filming him.  That's his choice, I guess, but don't ask me to understand it.  You are trying something really cool while on vacation- why wouldn't you want it filmed?

"Lookin' good, babe!"

We've established from the look on the guy's face that he would rather not be filmed.  His family doesn't give a damn, probably because while HIS idea of a good time while on vacation is to try cool new things and be active, THEIR idea of a good time is to sit on their asses on the beach with their electronic device hoping that dad makes a fool of himself so they can share it with the world.  Nice family, huh?

The "punchline" is supposed to be that the guy doesn't do whatever the hell he's trying to do perfectly the first time, and LOL it's so funny to see Dad Look StupidTM Let's Share.  As far as I'm concerned, the actual punchline is that a family went on vacation and only one of them even attempted to have fun and had an original experience because the others were too busy sitting around with f--ing electronics which work just as well back in the suburbs and didn't need to be brought to an exotic resort on dad's hard-earned money.  I'm rooting for another punchline- while Mom and Kids are in the hotel room watching different things on their personal electronic devices, Dad hooks up with the smoking-hot lifeguard at the hotel pool.  How's that for water sports?

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Oh, and I don't know who Aubrey Plaza is, nor do I care



Remember when commercials for cellphones actually showed people using them- or attempting to use them- when they were away from their homes?  Nowadays you are just as likely to see people in these ads sitting in their own living rooms, in front of big-screen televisions and right next to laptop computers, b----ing and moaning about how slow their streaming is. 

What are you doing, you freaking idiot?  You are with another human being- she's sitting right there.  You've got a tv there, and a computer, so plenty of distraction if you just can't bear the thought of actually having a conversation.  You've got all these options, but you'd rather just f--k around with your phone because that's the one piece of electronics in the room that isn't working absolutely perfectly.

You people are seriously sick. 

Saturday, September 29, 2018

Open letter to Buick: Your commercials aren't working



No matter how much you wish your commercials featuring people bleating "Buick" every few seconds bore any resemblence to reality, they never will.  People simply do not talk like this.  Take some comfort in the fact that nobody says "my Honda," "my Nissan," or "My Chevy" either.  They may say "My Lexus," "My Audi," or "My BMW," but that's because they bought those cars so they could let other people know they own one.  Nobody will ever, EVER feel that way about a Buick.

So you are not going to get people to refer to their Buicks as Buicks.  It will always be "that's my car."  No, THAT'S my car.  No, I meant THAT car over there.  I hope that every time you hear a Buick refered to as a car it stabs you a little bit in the soul, but that's because I'm not very nice.  Plus, I don't think any of you own your souls anymore anyway.

Oh, and that black couple near the end of the commercial- I wonder why you thought this was necessary?

Woman:  "I like that Buick."

Man (looking at billboard:) "Me too,"

Woman: "I meant THIS one."

Stop.  What difference does that make, Woman?  Do you just live to have arguments with this guy?  Could you be just a little more petty?  Turns out the answer is yes, because....

Man:  "I knew that."  (Why did you think this was necessary, Man?)

Woman (sneeringly, with dismissive eyeroll:)  "Did you?"

Ugh, why? Why why WHY?  Man:  Why are you with this nasty woman?  Woman: Why do you search out ways to put this guy down?  You've got him to the point where he's willing to lie about which identical Buick he was referring to rather than admit he made a mistake.  You've reduced him to near-invisibility already.  You need to kick him some more, really?

Oh, and Buick?  Here's how the conversation goes:  "I really like this car."  "Me, too."  "I meant this car."  "So did I."  "Did you?"

Because nobody cares about Buicks.  Just in case I didn't make that clear enough already.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

"Dilly Dilly" is Latin for Tasteless



What is the saddest thing about this commercial?

1.  The people in this commercial would rather drink Bud Lite than Mead.  In other words, they'd rather drink watery dreck than actual beer. 

2.  Bud Lite continues this ad campaign, which never featured anything resembling a pitch designed to make you want to drink it's product.  I don't think this is the right answer, because there is no such thing as an effective pitch that could convince me to drink Bud Lite.

3.  The number of people who think that these ads are funny, based on YouTube comments.  This would be really depressing, except for

4. The number of people who are obviously being paid to post witless OMIGOD I LOVE THESE COMMERCIALS dreck on YouTube.  Or, if they can't come up with anything, just posting "Dilly Dilly" or other lines from the commercials.  WTF is with these people?

Take your pick.  This is all very sad. 

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Verizon just keeps shoveling this crap at us



1.  Nobody is going to "hold up" because someone who couldn't/wouldn't be at the party isn't quite able to watch the "surprise" moment on her g-d d--d phone.   And I suspect that the woman who expected everyone to just stop acting normally because she wasn't able to stream the party is not going to be invited to many more parties after this one, because seriously Put Your Phone Down you Jagoff.

2.  Nobody is going to go back to "starting positions" for that person, either.  Because the party is for and about the people who are actually in attendence, and the guests at the party are GUESTS, not performing seals for someone who isn't even there.

3.  The next time someone uses the term "game changer" on television, I'm putting a brick through it.  Enough with the "game changer" line.  It's played.  It's done.

4.  Someone please show this loathsome Verizon spokeschoad the door already.  He's as played and done as the term "game changer."

Monday, September 24, 2018

Who needs Soma when you've got AT&T to feed your "thing?"



Maybe being wrapped in an electronic cocoon using a virtual reality device in public like a mentally ill, socially inept, friendless dweeb is your thing.

Maybe hibernating on your couch watching witless, generic action movies filled with explosions and machine guns and interchangeable "actors" doing stuff while your brain atrophies and starts to leak out of your ears is your thing.

Maybe walking into the woods and then staring at a screen because you figure "hey at least I'm outside" and if you go more than a few minutes without getting electronic stimulus pumped into what's left of that brain I mentioned in the last paragraph you'll collapse into a sobbing ball of Absolutely Nothing is your thing.

Whatever your thing is, if it's basically Doing Absolutely Nothing while the minutes of what you laughingly refer to as your "life" tick away, AT&T has the service for you.  If your thing is being a lazy, witless, hollow cretin who simply can't deal with the real world, is terrified of being left alone with your own thoughts, and simply must be entertained All The Freaking Time, AT&T has got the perfect drug to feed your thing.

So here you go.  Enjoy your Thing.  When you look up and notice that another day you'll never get back has passed you by, don't forget to thank AT&T.  They- and so many other Nonstop "Entertainment" companies- made all this possible.  Sucker.

Sunday, September 23, 2018

The New Pizza Hut Steroids and Cocaine Pizza?



1.  Why would any parent be proud of a kid behaving like an obnoxious nutcase in response to something her team did on the television?  Seriously, this girl looks like she's experiencing a severe case of 'roid rage.  It's not funny, it's not entertaining, and it sure as heck doesn't make me hungry for craptacular bland pizza.

2.  What year was this commercial filmed in?  Because, sorry, the Pittsburgh Steelers have done absolutely nothing this season to make this little girl react with anything but shame at the embarrassment that is her 0-1-1 football team.  So what's she responding to?  The blocked field goal that allowed the Steelers to avoid losing outright to the Cleveland Browns in week one? Or is it the comeback that allowed them to lose by only six to the Chiefs?  Either way, it doesn't take much to make this girl go bezerk, does it? 

Saturday, September 22, 2018

My Irony meter just snapped in half



This commercial immediately followed one which warned that smoking is a serious addiction, and told us where we could go to get proper treatment for this health-destroying disease. 

Let me make it even more clear:  I was minding my own business, watching the Yankees-Orioles game on the YES Network, when this ad came on reminding everyone that addiction is a disease that requires real medical treatment and there are many viable treatment options out there for people who want to beat the addiction.  To smoking, I mean.

Then this ad came on. 

Friday, September 21, 2018

Progressive's "Son" Commercial is too real to be funny



"What happened to my son?"  Well, there are two possible answers:

A.  He is using all that crap you bought him because he asked for it and giving him an electronic cocoon is a lot easier than actually being a parent.  So your son, who grew up in a gleaming-white plastic house, has grown up to be an isolated little creep because daddy wanted to be left alone.   Or,

B.  He bought all this stuff with his own money, which he has because he's still living at home despite being financially independent enough to buy thousands of dollars worth of Virtual Life Because the Real Version is Too Hard crap.

Take your pick, jagoff.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Or maybe this is a green card situation, Walmart?



..and if you're extra-quiet and can get to the store really fast, your trophy wife might not notice that you're doing your grocery shopping at freaking Walmart.  I mean, she may be willing to ignore that you're an ugly hairy doofus who is nowhere near good enough for her, but if she picks up on the fact that you're buying groceries from WALMART she might start getting a little suspicious about the existence of that economic stability she sold her youth for.

Sunday, September 16, 2018

The Colonel's cure is far, far worse than this family's disease



Not going to comment on the colonel's long arms.  Too obvious, and anyway intentional.

Not going to comment on the fact that it's the WOMAN of the family who "forgot dinner," like it was her responsibility and her's alone.  For the same reason- this is supposed to be all retro and stupid so that is also intentional.

Not going to comment on how sad it is that Jason Alexander has descended to this level.  Gotta pay the bills, I guess. 

Nope, I'm going to save my snark for the fact that the colonel walks in with enough food to poison  feed about forty people for some reason- and even if we are supposed to assume that the family chooses only ONE of these offers, there's still enough calories there to kill provide nutrition for several African villages for chrissakes.

And of course each bucket of steaming fried chicken parts is overflowing.  But I'm not going to snark on that, either.  Because that's always the case in these commercials, and I've done that bit before.

Saturday, September 15, 2018

Bounty Paper Towels, Iced Coffee, and a Laptop= Recipe for Horror



A little girl loudly announces her entry into a room which is ridiculously gleaming-white and clean even for television standards, and her father doesn't even flinch.  He's so intent on staring at (daughter? Trophy wife?) that he doesn't move a single muscle as his daughter charges in.  So when she sticks him with her toy sword he is so startled that he drops his coffee on to the (gleaming white, of course) table.

Seriously, great acting job there, buddy.  You couldn't even begin to turn around when you heard your daughter?  You still could have spilled that coffee.  Instead you act like you had NO IDEA she was there, just to set up a really stupid scenerio for a paper towel commercial?

Anyway, the guy throws what looks to be two or three ounces of weak coffee on to the table about three feet away from his DaughterWife's laptop.  It couldn't be more obvious that unless they both stand there yelling "NOOOOOOOO" for maybe five minutes, none of that liquid is actually going to reach the computer.  It's not at all clear that they DON'T intend to stand there for ten minutes screaming about a situation that poses zero danger to the computer, except now the narrator jumps in with "Quick!  Grab a Bounty paper towel!"

Yeah, you'd better catch that spill "quick"- not because it poses the slightest danger to the laptop, but because as long as it's sitting there it creates a really jarring contrast with the otherwise all-white world these weirdos live in.

And then we see that the "mess" the towel picks up is about three teaspoons of coffee.  Wow, good thing you've got super-absorbent towels to to deal with a crisis of that magnitude.  Good thing you don't have to try to rely on a napkin or a sponge, because no way those would be up to the challenge. I mean, there's an ICE CUBE among the carnage. After all, we are told that Bounty is "two times more absorbent than the leading ordinary brand," which is a pretty awkward way of attempting to make a claim.  What brands are included in the "ordinary" category, anyway?

Oh, and if you're on a budget (like nobody on tv commercials) you can buy this Bounty Essentials stuff, which comes with no statistics concerning it's effectiveness but if you can't afford regular Bounty you have no business complaining if it doesn't catch up your spill before it reaches your Rent-A-Center electronics.




Friday, September 14, 2018

More fun with Humira!



(Again, I'm apologizing for the poor quality of a Humira ad.  Sorry-  I don't know why Humira isn't putting official versions of their ads on YouTube, but I am grateful to the people who are recording them and putting them up even if the sound and picture quality is pretty bad.)

So this almost ridiculously diverse band (seriously- there's another woman, a black guy on drums, and an Asian guy.  Please) is deeply concerned because they are all set up at the Annual Oshkosh Pumpkin Fest and their lead singer is once again in the bathroom.  Oh noes, all the thirtysomething white people with terminal bad taste will be so dissapointed if she doesn't show!

Oh, but phew- she DOES show, because she talked to her doctor about her bowel issues and he recommended Humira.  Now she can do what she's being paid to do- wave at the crowd, jump up and down, and (I guess) sing a song now and again.

When the show is over, the hot, sticky band climbs into their RV to look at pictures on their phones of...well, I have no idea what.  Maybe they are reading reviews of their performance?  Checking replies to their resumes from Monster.com?

Then it's off to another gig at an abandoned old theater.  The show is set for 10 PM- so this band has concerts in the middle of the day at county fairs AND at run-down old movie houses at 10 PM.  And the evening gig is "sold out?"  Well, I guess that's not hard when your venue only seats 25 (I mean, come on- it looks like they are playing in someone's living room.)

All of this is in the service of selling us a drug which as near as I can tell helps calm overactive bladders, I guess.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Hyundai Humor= Total Fail



There is so much wrong here, but I'll just focus on two things that really stuck out:

First, how terrified is this kid of his dad that he can't just come out and tell him that he needs to use a bathroom?  At one point, they are at a car wash.  I bet that car wash has a restroom he could use- but this kid is so frightened of telling his dad that he needs to urinate that he'd rather sit in the back and sweat and squirm in building agony than say "hey dad, I need to relieve myself.  Can you take me to the bathroom please?"  I bet he's even more in terror of what will happen if he wets the seat.  Poor kid, that guy must be an absolute monster.

Second, the dad finally gets that his son needs to pee so he pulls over on the highway....and the kid exits on the side facing the road and runs around the rear of the car to head off into the woods.  Huh?  Why did he exit on that side?  Why isn't the dad going with him to make sure he's ok?  Jesus freaking Christ, buddy- first you frighten the kid into suffering in the back seat for god knows how long, then you let him exit where he could easily be killed by a speeding car, then you let him run off into the woods by himself to urinate...what the hell is the matter with you?

Oh, and let's never mind that all of this is played for laughs by Hyundai.  Never mind that unless you're a 14-year old boy I don't want to hear that you think that this is funny in the slightest.  Seriously, if you've reached adulthood and you think Kid In Agony Because He Needs To Urinate is totally LOL hilarious- or even slightly amusing- I don't want to hear it.  If you think it's funny enough to sustain an ad that runs for a full minute, well...I really don't want to hear it, and maybe your parents should thank you for posting on YouTube under a fake name.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Let me correct you, Verizon Fios Spokeschoad



What this person sitting at the gate waiting for her flight needs to "let her pals know" is that she's a totally self-absorbed douchenozzle who has never heard of these things called "earbuds" and who just assumes that everyone at the gate wants to listen to whatever she's watching on her f--ng phone.

Oh wait, she doesn't need to let them know that.  They know it already.  As does everyone else at the gate, including all the people who were trying to catch a little shuteye or maybe enjoy a book or something while waiting to board their flights.  They all know that one of the people also waiting for that flight is a selfish jackass who thinks that being able to carry her tv around through her phone makes everywhere she is her Living Room.  So enjoy the game, everyone at the gate.  You're going to hear it- and her response to every play, so you might as WELL enjoy it.

Hell, I strongly suspect you'll continue to "enjoy" it while the flight is in the air.  Basic human decency doesn't compute with this woman, why should airline rules?  I mean, there's a game on her phone!

Meanwhile, Verizon Spokeschoad?  I hope your plane crashes.  Into the Andes.  And you survive.  So you can be eaten by your fellow passengers.  Slowly.  Feet first. 

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Humira, please fire your casting director!



(Sorry for the quality of the video, I'll swap it out when I find a better one.)

Isn't it adorable that this 14-year old girl* has finally brought her 25-year old boyfriend home to meet the folks?  "See daddy, this is the guy I have been talking to online all this time- I TOLD you you'd like him!"

(Oh and there's a few moments of tension where it appears she isn't sure he'll show up, because he's got this issue with having to go to the bathroom a lot and she forgot to tell him that her parents do, in fact, possess an operating toilet despite living in a dollhouse.)

In one scene, the little girl shows her boyfriend photos of last year's ballet recital before taking him for a walk to visit her Very Bestest Place on Earth, the tire swing daddy attached to the tree for her in the summer of 2014.  Later, daddy pulls boyfriend aside for some alone time to ask him about the size of his bank account to see if he's truly worthy of buying his daughter.  They also eat lunch in one of those weird No Escape If You're Not on the Aisle kitchen booths made for couples but incredibly awkward for more than two people.  Do these things really exist in real life?  But I digress...

It's all just so adorable, and apparently has something to do with some drug that does something.  Personally, I'd settle for a drug that makes me forget this commercial.  Oh wait, there already is one.  It's called bleach.

*I mean, just check out her bedroom.  WTF??

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Liberty Mutual customer asks: "How DARE car insurance companies hold me responsible?"



I'll give this to Liberty Mutual:  The woman in this ad is probably a very good representative of people who are at fault in auto accidents.  I mean, just listen to what she says here:

"You barely clip a passing car- minor accident, no big deal!"  Well, that's exactly what I would expect you to say.  It's "no big deal" because after all, it was your fault.  And of course the other driver- the one whose car you HIT- is going to be uber-unreasonable by actually stopping and demanding that you exchange insurance information, can you believe it?

"Minor accident, right? Wrong! Your Insurance Company is going to raise your rate because the other car got a scratch so small you could fix it with a pen!"  Again, this is exactly what I'd expect the driver AT FAULT to say- "it was NOTHING!  The other car was BARELY damaged- just a SCRATCH you could fix with a PEN!"  I'm sure this woman would have exactly the same attitude if it was her car that had been damaged, and would have been more than willing to let the other driver attempt to fix the "scratch" with a pen.  I'm absolutely positive that would have been the case.

"But NO!  Your insurance company is going to raise your rates!"  Sorry to keep interrupting you, stupid clueless bent-out-of-shape-because-you-are-being-held-responsible woman, but....if the other car only had a "scratch," why didn't you just offer to fix it out of your own pocket?  Funny thing about car insurance- the rates don't go up if you don't use it.  If your negligence resulted in a minor accident, you should have just paid for it yourself.  That you used your car insurance suggests to me that just maybe that "little scratch" was a bit bigger than you are telling us it was.

Based on the comments, I'm not the only person who would like to tell this woman exactly what she can do with that pen (and it has nothing to do with switching car insurance companies.)

Friday, September 7, 2018

Two quick points about this Heineken Commercial



1.  What country is it taking place in?  Because, sorry, when we got to the reveal that these people were watching a SOCCER GAME, the first thought that popped into my head was "ok, this is happening in some foreign country."  It sure as hell isn't taking place in the United States.

2.  When I found this ad on YouTube I thought "wow, finally- an ad immune to the ubiquitious 'what is this song?' post."  I was wrong.  I scrolled down ten posts and found TWO people who did not know the name of the song, let alone the artist.  And I was probably a little too nasty in my replies, but for chrissakes, people.  I'm now convinced that YouTube employs some kind of bot that just automatically asks for the names of songs heard in commercials because....there's simply NO WAY actual humans did not know the name of this song.  No way.

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

McDonald's can't even get its celebration of a decent program right



1.  At first, I thought that the manager in this ad is being quite the jackass because he doesn't know if it's a letter of acceptance or rejection before he reads it- uninvited- in front of the entire staff. What if it had been a rejection letter?  Anyone who has ever applied to college knows to dread the thin reply letter.  The rejection letters are always thin.  The acceptance letters are thick because they include school calenders and further information about the school.

But then I noted that the envelope seems to be already opened when the kid hands it to the manager.  So the kid knows it's an acceptance letter, I guess.  But this leads me to my next point:

2.  Once he knew he was accepted, why didn't the kid just go down to McDonald's and tell the manager?  Why bring the letter with him....UNLESS he WANTED the manager to read it in front of everyone?  If the kid wanted everyone to know, why not just tell everyone himself- you know, like a normal person would?   Which leads me to my last point-

3.  What if it WAS a rejection letter, the kid had opened it and KNEW it was a rejection letter, and he went down to McDonald's to ask for some advice on how to proceed next- and to let the manager know that, in spite of all his hopes and dreams, he was going to need some hours this autumn after all?  If that were the case, man did the manager screw up big time by turning a personal moment into a cringe-worthy faux pas.  Great job, Stupid McDonald's Manager.


Sunday, September 2, 2018

Ancestry.com: Yes, I know who I really am, and the answer is "better than this."



"Do you know who you really are?"

Well, I could be super-philosophical here and reply that life is just a journey we all take to discover who we really are- and the answer is the combined thoughts, feelings, and experiences of each individual lifetime.  The sum of our lives arrives at the very end, when we add up all those thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  It's left to others to evaluate who we were and what our lives really meant.  Ok?

Oh, I guess not Ok.  Because all of these obsessive "Who Am I" celebrations of DNA-tracking and navel-gazing want us to focus not on who we are, but on who our ancestors were.  What does this have to do with who we are?  Oh, you see, you are who they were.  Which means- you aren't really anyone.  Just the product of people who came before.  THEY were someone.  Yay them.

So we have these teary-eyed jackasses with way too much time on their hands and money burning holes in their pockets discovering that they share DNA with people they didn't think they liked- one guy habors prejudice against Germans, then discovers that he's part German, so wow there's an eye-opener now he has to go out and find some other group to hate (maybe My Heritage DNA or Ancestry.com can help him with that.  I'm sure they can.)

And at the end of all this unbelievably sad self-absorption the idea that we are what we do is totally lost to the much easier (it only takes a vial of spit and a credit card) theory that we're just a bag of chemicals handed off to us by our ancestors.  And now that we know exactly what percentage Lithuanian we are, we can sit down, have a wistful, satisfied little cry over it, and find something on television to distract ourselves from the notion that we still haven't added one thing to our own legacies because we've been too busy trying to reduce the meaning of our lives down to the cellular level. 

Saturday, September 1, 2018

My Heritage DNA celebrates Racism by pretending to oppose it



"I don't know about you, but when I'm filling out forms, I never know which race to check."

I leave it blank.  I mean, it's not even required to get a passport these days. 

"People tell me it's obvious- you're black."  The "people" who are saying this to you are probably just sick to death or your stupid obsession with race and don't want to hear about mystified you are by the question anymore. 

"Well, I just my Heritage DNA results back" (proving my point that you're obsessed with race- you just NEEDED to know what "race" you "belong" to, even though you could have just left that part on every form blank, because you've decided that your "race" defines who you are.  Not sure why this is anyone's problem but yours, but...)

"And it shows me that actually, I'm 72% West African, 14% British, 7% West European, 3% East European and 3% Finnish..." I thought we were talking about race.  I'm not aware that any of those categories is a race.  Are you telling me that you think that "British" is a race?

"Now you tell me, which race box do I pick?"  I told you already what I do- I leave it blank. 

"And if I pick that one, do the others get dismissed?"  See, I didn't fall into your stupid trap.  I didn't suggest you pick one.  I suggested you leave it blank. 

"See, who we are is more complex than the one that society gave us..." So society gave you a label?  Then why are you struggling with this?  Oh right, because you like to complain about stuff that doesn't mean anything to people who aren't completely self-obsessed douchenozzles.

This guy then goes into a rant about how we must never judge a book by it's cover or people by the color of their skin which I guess is a good point but doesn't go very far in selling this Heritage DNA product because after all if where our ancestors come from doesn't matter, if we should be judged by who we are as indivuals, why the f--k do I give a damn what percentage Norwegian I am? 

The last twenty seconds of this ad is just this guy preaching about interconnectivity and each individual being a beautiful tapestry of colors etc. etc. etc., and it's nice but also banal and nothing we haven't heard a million times before from better speakers who weren't shilling for a company that WANTS you to be obsessive about your bloodline.  This guy's pitch is just about the most shameless hypocricy I've seen on tv- Stop focusing on race, go out and find how much of each race is in you by sending us a vial of spit.  We'll settle your identity "problem" by telling you straight out how black, white, Romanian, Jewish, Protestant, Zorastrian, Brazilian and Transalpine Gaul you are because those are all races and you need to know so you won't be pigeonholed by some form that isn't actually requiring you to make a choice.

My original suggestion- leave the damn box blank- works just as well, but only if you aren't a race-obsessed idiot who thinks that DNA is Destiny.  This guy doesn't qualify, which is why he responds to an optional question on a form by going on a quest to find Who He Is based on where people related to him used to live. 


Thursday, August 30, 2018

"Washington DC Metro" and "Hacks:" the jokes write themselves



What I don't need to know:  "This is a Series 7000 train."  I don't know why you think that matters to me.  I don't care.  And if, for some reason, I needed to know this, it was covered at the last stop.  I don't know why you feel the need to tell me at every. freaking. stop.

I don't even know what a Series 7000 train is or why it's different from whatever series another train is.  Seriously, is there going to be a quiz?  Why do you keep telling me this?

What I do need to know:  Why the six elevators at Forest Glen station are always on the same floor at the same time.  So when I'm on the Metro level all six are apparently on the exit level.  So I'm standing there waiting for an elevator and when one comes, they all do.  Who thinks this makes sense?

And speaking of the elevators, why are the doors timed to stop closing the MOMENT the last person gets off and BEFORE anyone can get on?  I've figured out that if I am more than ten feet from an elevator that is discharging passengers there is zero reason to walk faster to catch that elevator before the doors close, because sorry, not going to make it.  I MUST wait for the next elevator which will come, eventually, along with all the others, at the same time.  Bizarre.

What I don't need to know:  "The Escalator at Dunn Loring is out of order."  I don't need to know this while I'm waiting for the train at Takoma.  It's not even the same freaking line.  Why does Metro insist on letting everyone on every train platform know every little thing that's going on anywhere in the system?

What I don't need to know:  That the train is delayed.

What I do need to know:  When the next train is coming.

What I don't need to know:  That because certain Metro stations will be closed next week in the Rentless Drive to get Back2Good, I should "consider alternative travel arrangements."

What I do need to know:  How often buses will be running between the Metro stations.  Because like a lot of people who use Metro I don't have an "alternative."

What I don't need from Metro:  Enhanced WiFi and commercials for the Back2Good metro system playing on the (Series 7000?) metro cars.

What I do need from Metro:  For you jokers to get "Back2Good" (how about something approaching reliable service?) no less than five years behind schedule.  Is that too much to ask?


Sunday, August 26, 2018

NFL Sunday Ticket to Nowhere



Two kids in the suburbs are doing that retro suburban thing, selling lemonade.  They've got the adorable handmade sign and the pitcher of lemonade and they are ready to spend some quality time with eachother, outside, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

Nope.  That's not going to happen.  Because Mom, who was still in bed from an evening of heavy drinking after yet another disasterous Match.com hookup, has finally risen, showered, and noticed that it's 12:30* and the pregame show for the Raiders/Cowboys is seconds away from starting.

Mom's super-lonely and can't bear the thought of watching a game by herself while her kids are outside doing non-football stuff, so she runs out and sells their entire lemonade supply to their first customer, pouring it into some weird novelty plastic cup that came out of nowhere to provide the punchline for the commercial (seriously, what the heck is that?  It's even too big to be available at 7-11 for $1.49.)

And then we see Mom and the two kids having a great time cheering on either the Raiders or the Cowboys from the couch.  Yeah, this is MUCH better than being outside on a beautiful day- but still not as good as watching the game at Hooter's, where you can get a basket of buffalo wings and don't have to settle for popcorn.

*Assuming that these people are rooting for the local team, this suburb is in either the Oakland or Dallas metro areas.  Either way, 12:30 local time works for the pregame show of a game starting at 4:05 EST.  It could be a three or four PM local time start, too, but that would mean mom was so blasted from the night before that she didn't get up until mid-afternoon, and those kids have been outside all day without selling any lemonade.  I don't know, I can't figure out anything that's not on the Eastern Seaboard.

Good luck next Saturday night, Mom.

Saturday, August 25, 2018

More Future of Awesome with Xfinity



I get that this is supposed to be showing how effortless and seamless moving with your Xfinity connection can be, and that's the reason this "family" remains on the couch staring at their electronic addiction delivery systems throughout the entire ad. 

The problem I have with it is that all ads for Xfinity, other cable systems, cellphones, etc are exactly like this- everyone in the "family" is just engrossed in watching something on a flat screen while a narrator is waxing poetic about "connectivity" while ocassionally throwing in a line about bringing families closer, etc.  I don't get how anyone could equate people enjoying their personal electronic cocoons with doing things "together" and "staying connected."  There's really no reason why these people are sitting on the same couch or are even in the same room- since the whole point is that everyone gets to do whatever they want with those devices any time they want, why not just show them in different rooms, or even in different places outside the house?

Oh right, I keep forgetting- because Xfinity, etc. doesn't want to give anyone the notion that all this "connectivity" actually creates distance between "family" members.  Nope, check out how happy mom and dad and sister and brother are as they "share" "quality time" "together."  They are having fun "together," see?  This is really pro-family!  Really!  This is keeping them closer!  Honest!

I do wish this ad were five seconds longer, so we could see how much enthusiasm the kids had for the "house decorating shows" Dad asked his Best Friend to start streaming.  I think that might have brought an end to all this physical togetherness.  The next scene would likely feature Brother playing a video game in his room while Sister chatted with non-family acquaintances in hers, Mom watching a movie on her phone while Dad found himself alone with his Home Decoration Show.  All with big zombie smiles on their faces because Yay Xfinity and Yay Togetherness.

Friday, August 24, 2018

Steve Cutts hold up a mirror. Are we willing to look into it?



We need someone to spend whatever it takes to show this as a Superbowl Commercial.  People need to see this.

Of course, even if we could raise the money to air it, it would not get aired- because it would certainly outrage the sensibilities of the drug dealers (cell phone companies) who are perfectly free to spend hundreds of millions on ads encouraging us to feed our addiction to the Glowing Box In Our Hands- and to become more and more isolated from society, more and more lonely, and more and more dependent on those phones to feel "connected."

I'm doing my part by sharing it on this site.  Please, pass it on.

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

League of Legends in their Own Mind



So a couple of couch potato dweebs are playing a video game and are really turned on by the awesome virtual weapons they can pretend to branish as they pretend to conquer something while sitting on their asses in their mom's basement.

Including in their pathetic fantasy world is the ocassional appearance of a Female of the Human Species, who is there to drop some suggestive reference to a "slumber party" which is hot enough to convince males that this game is almost like actually going out and meeting people- including scary girls- while also being nowhere near as threatening and dangerous as actually....going out and meeting people, including scary girls.

The ad for this game ends with one of the males (I am not going to call them men) yelling "We're Gonna Win!" Well, yeah, it's a game, so someone's going to win-- the game.  Life?  Well, you aren't going to win at that until you're willing to put down the game controller, get off that couch, and go the f--k outside and interact with your fellow humans.  I suggest you take it slow, and start by bringing a phone with you to stare at.  Eye contact is not for beginners.  Baby steps.

Monday, August 20, 2018

T-Mobile Offer not Available in all areas, clearly



Tomorrow I'll be ending my summer vacation in Vermont and heading back to Maryland for Year 24 of my High School History teaching career.  As far as T-Mobile is concerned, that means I'll be ending my stay in No Man's Land and returning to Civilization.

My T-Mobile plan provides virtually no service here, and on the rare ocassions I can connect, T-Mobile counts it against my "roaming" allowance.  Yep, here in Vermont I am "roaming," as if I was in Europe or on Safari.  But most of the time, I'm just not connected at all.  When I try to use my contacts, I'm told they are "Not Registered with Network."  I can usually check my text messages, but I'm rarely allowed to reply.  For most of the summer I had a weak connection with my parents' WiFi but in the last few days I've received regular "Authentication Errors" and it doesn't matter how many times I type in the password, it's "Incorrect"- never mind that it's the same one I use to access the WiFi from my laptop.

Barre is the second-largest city in Vermont- but while I'm shopping for my parents I can't make or receive calls to find out if they need to add anything to the shopping list.  Once I noted that I had a missed call from home and had to ask to use the land line at the grocery store to call home (good luck finding a payphone in 2018.)

(By the way, feel free to check out T Mobile's Nationwide Coverage map online- according to it, my service should be every bit as good in Vermont as it is in Suburban Maryland.  Which means- the map is a joke. Pretty, but a joke.)

Tomorrow I'll be back in Maryland and my T-Mobile phone will work just fine, I'm sure.  But I can't help wondering why a company which advertises itself as the Best Way to Stay Connected to Family can't get it's act together in certain areas of the United States.  I'll be contacting them to ask why this is when I have some free time- and I'm in Maryland, and I can make a phone call that doesn't include a "Call May Drop" warning even when it DOES connect.

Sunday, August 19, 2018

What White People Do for Fun, According to LL Bean....



The only thing more pathetic than the people racing their canoes in this ad are the people cheering them on from the shore.  I mean, at least the people in the canoes are actually doing something- even if it is really stupid.  The people on the shore are--- just watching.  What the hell.

Wait, you know what?  There are people even MORE pathetic in this ad.  They are the ones on the shore upriver, who found themselves shouting and cheering as the boaters LEFT the campsite.  They don't even get to see the result of the race (which I can't imagine caring about anyway, but whatever.)

At least they are wearing life jackets, but still....this is pretty stupid.  And very, very white.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

Chevy's Real People, Not Actors series finally reaches the bottom of the barrel. I think.



In this ad, four chunky dumb-as-rocks jackass Chevy truck owners have been talked into parking side by side next to a warehouse with no windows in the hopes of being featured in a commercial if they gush hard enough over whatever bland piece of crap Chevrolet is trying to sell in this ad.

And it's a good thing that they parked absolutely perfectly- and got their cars thoroughly detailed and waxed before this totally spontaneous visit to the warehouse to have a conversation with a by-now very well known Chevy spokeschoad, because they have to show well when the door opens and it's revealed that the kind of truck they'd really want is exactly the kind of truck they currently have.  Nice wake-up call to any of these drooling morons who thought that maybe if they described a Chevy truck to the Eurotrash dicktard with the cameraman with enough enthusiasm they might get a new truck as payment and not just five seconds of screen time on a stupid commercial.

Nonplussed by the news that they already own the truck of their dreams and they won't be driving home with an upgrade today, the trained monkeys respond on cue in the usual manner, bleating "wow it's a dynasty" and "I'm so proud," like their ability to sign their names to contracts which locked them into years of payments was some kind of accomplishment that puts them into a special category of people breathing rarified air.  Holy cripes, people- "dynasty?' "Proud?"  Are you f--ing kidding me?

In the end, we have yet another group of Not Real People Just Soulless Zombie Sellouts eager to kiss Chevy butt on tv if it means they get to have a camera in their face for a moment, because 1.  That's enough to establish your own IMdB page and 2.  Shame is for losers.

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Buick's Enclave of Insufferably Conspicuous Consumption



So TrophyWife #1 stands next to her $50,000 Conspicious ConsumptionMobile in the driveway of her million-dollar McMansion and is greeted by a neighbor who immediately asks about the Big Shiny Thing With Wheels.

TrophyWife #2 wants to know about the car, so TrophyWife #1 explains what it is an how it can seat up to seven people- or poodles.  I'm not at all sure why TrophyWife #1 thinks that TrophyWife #2 wants to know the seating capacity in Dog Units just because TrophyWife #2 has a dog....if TrophyWife #2 had a parakeet on her shoulder instead, would TrophyWife #1 be telling her how many parakeets the Big Shiny LookAtMeMobile can hold?

(TrophyWife #1 certainly needs a car that seats seven- Hubby didn't buy a woman significantly younger than he is just for her looks.  She's got to stay fertile long enough to produce five offspring, that's been made clear by the purchase of a car with otherwise unnecessary seating space.  Oh but don't worry, TrophyWife #1, there's a Pelaton Bike on the way so you can keep that figure worthy of That Guy Who Bought You.)

Anyway, the whole neighborhood is taken by the new car, so much so that in no time at all Every Single House in the Gated Community of White People Police are Authorized to Act on Behalf of Owner's Association ("The Buick Enclave."  PLEASE bring on the guillotines!) owns one.  That's the fun of being a rich cretin in the magical suburbs of Television- if you want something, you just buy it.  Need it?  Well, of course you need it- your neighbor has one, after all.

So are all the other TrophyWives in this ad going to have five kids, too?  Or does their desire to emulate TrophyWife #1 stop at having a big shiny car with lots and lots of room for kids, poodles, parakeets or whatever?  Stay tuned- but don't let me know the answer, 'cause I'm not interested any more.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Boost Mobile's vision of the perfect "Family Road Trip"



This "family" was "four hours into their road trip" when they learned that their data plan was inadequate.  I wish I was making this up.  I'm not.

Turns out that "road trip" means "people related to eachother traveling in the same car" and not "families taking a fun vacation" like I'm pretty sure it meant when I was a kid.  Brother and Sister can't put their f--ng phones away for a few hours and talk to eachother and mom and dad- nope, they have to spend the trip eating away at the family data plan.  Their determination to ignore eachother and feed their electronic addiction is SO bad that only four hours in, they've hit their data limits.

Here's a good opportunity for Mom and Dad to tell the kids to put away their stupid-ass phones, cut that electronic umbilical cord, and get them to notice that there's Life Without Streaming.  Of course, that's not going to happen.  Nope.  Mom and Dad "solve" the "problem" by ducking into a Boost Mobile store and getting a new data plan.

Four hours into a road trip.  They are in a store, changing data plans and getting new phones.  Because that's how "problems" like this get "solved" in 2018.

It's pretty clear how the rest of this road trip is going to go, isn't it?  Brother and Sister will spend the rest of it on their phones.  Mom and Dad will congratulate themselves for rendering kids Silent (Dad is thrilled that the switch in data plans plus new phones is shutting his kids up) and - I guess- enjoy the trip with these life forms they passed DNA on to some time back.

This is the new normal, huh?  Holy crap people, how can anyone possibly find this attractive in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM?  Are you all freaking insane, or what?

Sunday, August 12, 2018

The Timeshare Exit Team- because for some people there's just no fixing stupid



Mike and Kelly were way too young and stupid to get married, and we learn this immediately when Kelly tells us they went on a honeymoon to Maui and decided they wanted to live there.

That's something children do- they visit some cool place and decide it's the bestest place in the word let's never leave.  Because they are children.  Adults are capable of understanding that places like Maui are for honeymoons and vacations and unless you want to tend bar or clean hotel rooms you can't really LIVE there.  Mike and Kelly let us know that they aren't adults, because...

Instead of just being satisfied with the whistful "we never want to leave" followed by the inevitable departure back to Reality, Mike and Kelly purchased a time share in Maui.  Because- did I explain this already?- Mike and Kelly are stupid children who don't just don't get the difference between vacations and real life.

As happens in approximately 100 percent of all timeshare purchases, regret sets in shortly after the ink dries.  Mike and Kelly are now expecting a child (these people always pass their stunted DNA on to the next generation.  Always) and realize Oh Yeah We Are Never Going To Actually Get To Use That Timeshare How Do We Get Out of This.  Never mind that there is no time in a person's life wher a timeshare "fits" in any way, shape or form.  They are never NOT a bad idea.

Anyway, these kids were stunned to find that getting rid of a timeshare is like trying to fob a cursed jewel off on the informed public- they have to stand in line behind several million other morons who can't believe how hard it is to convince someone else to take on the burden anyone with two brain cells to rub together won't go near.  People trying to dump timeshares must feel like the Last Really Stupid people standing on the very top of the Great Pyramid of Dumb- ok, I've got this white elephant, who do I get to hand it off too?

Fortunately there's no end of these Timeshare Liquidation companies which are willing to offer dumbasses like Mike and Kelly ten cents on the dollar to get them out from under their ridiculously childish impulse buy.  And Mike and Kelly will take it and be happy because they've got a Bundle of Joy on the way which will, unfortunately, have to get by with genes they can donate to it.  Poor kid.