Monday, December 31, 2018
No, you didn't see Tom Brady at the Pro Bowl last year. You haven't seen Tom Brady in the Pro Bowl any year, because a few decades ago they changed the Pro Bowl from the week after the Superbowl to the week before, and Tom Brady is too busy getting ready for the Superbowl to be in a stupid, meaningless All-Star Game where the only drama involves the constant possibility that someone's career is going to be ended by an injury occurring in a stupid, pointless, meaningless All-Star Game.
And you won't even see most of the best players in the NFL in the All-Star Game, because they've just finished their season with a playoff loss and want to start their brief vacations before tryouts start up again. Plus there's that getting injured in a stupid, pointless, meaningless All-Star Game again.
But there IS a bit of honesty in this commercial, and all commercials for the Pro Bowl: Pretty much all of the highlights will involve players posing, primping, and posturing for the camera whenever they do pretty much anything at all. You know, just like every other NFL game during the regular season and the playoffs. They just won't be the BEST players. But if you just can't deal with a week without watching grown men flex their muscles and jump around to draw attention to the fact that they just did something they are paid to do, there's the Pro Bowl. Enjoy. I'll be doing something else. ANYTHING else.
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Can you guys explain to me why you think that greasy Eurotrash creeps in tight pants are the best possible spokeschoads for your product? All together or one at a time, either way, fine with me.
Because, seriously- these look exactly like the kind of people I would warn children to stay away from, and if either suddenly jumped at me to start pitching a product they wouldn't get halfway through the first sentence before I gave them a faceful of mace, or fist, or whichever was most available.
So much worse than pretty much anything else on television....
Seriously, Toyota, here's a New Year's Resolution for you: find another spokeschoad. A decade of this woman's face and chirpy voice and ridiculous enthusiasm for peddling Japanese automobiles to the middle class is more than enough (here's something unintentionally funny: her IMDb page lists her filmography and notes at the bottom that she's "also known as Toyota Jan." Um, no- she's known as Toyota Jan, and look she's been in other stuff, too. And now that she's been done to death by Toyota, she's beyond typecast and will never get a serious acting gig ever again. See Progressive, Flo From.)
These days we're supposed to pretend she's pregnant for some reason, like she's become part of our family because she invades our living room via TV 300 times during every football game. Well, here's one blogger who doesn't find her charming or interesting or funny or even an effective salesmonkey as she gushes nonstop and never takes that stupid freaking smile off her intensely punchable face just because she keeps showing up. I just want her to go away already. Can we get this done in the New Year? I mean, she's got a kid to take care of, right?
*by the way, check out the genius in the comment section who was reminded of the opening of The Brady Bunch. Nothing gets by some people!
Saturday, December 29, 2018
From the spring of 1987 (a few months before I graduated from college) to the spring of 1991 (when I was in the process of finishing up my Master's Degree and preparing to move to New York with my fiancee) I worked for a video rental store chain in the DC/Northern Virginia region. I started out as a part-timer and ended up managing several stores, making enough money to pay my tuition, take girls out to dinner, and generally have the kind of fun you are supposed to have when you're in your mid-twenties and getting ready to start Real Life.
E.T. - The Extra Terrestrial was released on VHS in October 1988, a month after I had started grad school and right after I had been bumped up to Assistant Manager at The Video Place's hole in the wall store in the underground mall at Crystal City, Virginia. I can remember taking multiple pre-orders every day for months beforehand, taking down deposits of 50% for the $24.95 tape (minus the $5 Pepsi promotion) and answering one "is it there yet" call after another (nobody seemed to quite understand what the term "release date" meant, and in the pre-Google age nobody seemed to know how to find it anyway.)
There were a lot of big films released on VHS while I worked at The Video Place- An American Tail, Lady and the Tramp, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Rocky Horror Picture Show where probably the biggest, but I can also remember selling Janet Jackson and Phil Collins and Tears for Fears concert compilations at a pretty quick clip. I wonder if they are still collecting dust somewhere. But I don't think we ever experienced anything from our customers that approached the excitement of the E.T. video release. It was even bigger than the rush to grab a copy of Legend of Zelda they were experiencing across the hall at Waxie-Maxies. I think we sold about 300 pre-order and hundreds more off the shelf before that Christmas. I still have a copy lying around somewhere, I'm sure.
Anyway, like all Golden Ages, this one didn't last forever, and The Video Place didn't long survive my departure- in fact, three of the four stores in the chain had been closed before I left, and the final one shut down before the end of 1991. I spent most of my last months with the company going from store to store organizing close-out sales- I've mentioned before at this site that when I closed one store there was exactly ONE unsold VHS tape on the shelf- Satisfaction, "starring" Justine Bateman but including Liam Neeson and Julia Roberts. I didn't know it then, but the rental industry had passed its peak and the internet was looming on the horizon.
Thirty years after it's release, E.T. is still a solid seller on Amazon (I don't know how well An American Tail aged) and a generation is growing up less susceptible to the charms of the brick and mortar store, so I guess the idea of a place where you could go and browse movie titles on the shelf is going to sound more and more alien as the years go by. For us, it's still a loss, just one that's going to be harder to describe and explain to the next generation. I like to remind myself of those days anyway.
Thursday, December 27, 2018
These Fidelty Investment commercials, with their endless parade of self-satisfied, grey-haired white people whose favorite pasttime is to look whistfully into the middle distance who obviously have plenty of money but who are forever fussing with brokers to make sure they have even more in the future, never fail to warm the heart, do they?
I guess it's all about making sure that you get to travel all over the world when you retire (while in your mid-50s, of course) while still leaving a buttload of money to the kids. It's every couple's dream, but it's only available to people who make enough money to live in big houses and spend freely yet still manage to keep brokerage offices busy with the excess for several decades....in other words, to a smaller and smaller percentage of people every single year.
Anyway, I'm sure we're all super-happy that the reward for settling for that one huge suburban mansion and only the ocassional overseas vacation and one car per person in the household is a long retirement filled with exotic places and robust health because, as I've implied, these people are retiring in their mid-fifties having spend their entire adult lives with excellent medical care, the best of nutrition, etc. while performing jobs which weren't the least bit physically taxing. I know I am!
Wednesday, December 26, 2018
"Here's my list- I wrote it out on a register slip from 1975, don't ask me why....my daughter. She's getting into gaming."
Me: "Ok, let's nip that right in the bud. Why not head over to Barnes and Noble and ask what's big this month in the Young Adult genre? Because you don't want to feed that particular passion. I mean, unless you WANT her to be a fat, housebound, socially isolated tribble."
"But she really likes games...."
Me: "That's great! Maybe it's not too late to get her on the neighborhood hockey team. Or ask her if she prefers non-contact ice skating. How about signing her up for skiing lessons? And keep an eye out for softball and baseball tryouts when spring comes. Fresh air, exercise, and new skills...no downside there!"
"Um...ok. Now, for my husband...."
Me: "I was told to tell every female who comes in here that guys are really into drones. Since drones have only been available gifts for maybe 2 Christmases, I'm not sure how anyone could possibly know that. So I'm not going to tell you that your husband wants something that is insanely dangerous to use unless you live on an isolated farm somewhere. Since you're one of the 90 percent of Americans who live in an urban area, a drone would be a really stupid, senseless, and as I just mentioned dangerous toy, I suggest the hottest video game."
"I thought you didn't like video games...."
Me: "I fight the battles I can win. If your daughter is 'really getting into gaming,' you probably already have a nice gaming system, which means your husband is an overgrown child who likes to waste his life staring at a screen. It's probably too late to save him. So here's the latest Pretend to Be What People Who Have Never Seen Combat Think A Soldier Is game...."
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
1. How far did that Volkswagen go to bring Peter home for the holidays? It's caked with frost when it drops him off. I know that Volkswagen heaters were notoriously bad, but jeesh...at least the back should have been clear of snow after twenty minutes or so. That's where the engine was, after all.
2. Does Peter just assume there isn't already a can of coffee open? I mean, he starts right off by opening a new one. Maybe he brought that one?
3. Why does Peter set out the glass coffee pot with no lid on it instead of leaving it on the heating plate until people begin to wake up? That coffee is going to get cold in about five minutes. And it's already Folger's- the only thing nastier than Folger's coffee is cold Folger's coffee.
4. Why is this family drinking the coffee out of those stupid tiny teacups? Oh, right, because it's a commercial and it's important to show the coffee as much as possible. Doesn't seem at all important today- generally in modern ads we see people carrying around huge mugs. Maybe today it's all about the consumption level.
5. Why is this family drinking Folger's in the first place? Oh, right- because it's the 70s, before gourmet coffee was a thing. I bet the only place to get a good cup of coffee in this town is the local diner or maybe McDonald's or Dunkin Donuts. So Folger's is the standard for this family at this time. Which is probably why nobody is nostalgic for the 70s.
Monday, December 24, 2018
They aren't having an "ugly sweater" party.
She isn't having a "burnt cookie" party.
They are both having a "stupid, passive-aggressive party."
They are both better off being hundreds of miles from eachother during the holidays.
They only own Portal so that they can continue to be stupid and vicious to eachother even while hundreds of miles away.
And in keeping with television commercials in general, the woman with the burnt cookies has a kitchen larger than my apartment. Happy holidays to you, too, Portal.
Sunday, December 23, 2018
This hilarious throwback to the glorious 1980s reminds us of the time when every holiday party simply had to include plate after plate of toasted bread topped with cheap cheese, tomato sauce and something that at least looked like pepperoni. I can remember every party being pretty much over as soon as the Stouffer's ran out.
But until it did.....wow, such awesomeness. Big smiles, laughter, and gathering around the piano with friends to sing in between scarfing down flavored toast from the freezer aisle. Everything was so perfect back then. I'm pretty sure President Reagan had a lot to do with it.
As a sidenote- notice that nobody in this ad is texting or taking photos with their phones, because nobody- except the owner of the house- has a phone. Yet, they all seem to be having a good time, despite the fact that they are totally unable to take photos of their chunks of crunchy bread or anything else and where forced to socialize with the people in the room rather than people not in attendance. They couldn't even update their Facebook pages back then!
We were so weird back in the 1980s. Better, but weird.
The woman in this house can't understand why her gleaming-white house doesn't smell as good as it looks despite the fact that she clearly spends 99 percent of her time polishing it to a high gloss. She can't understand why it smells bad because in all her cleaning she totally forgot that she owns a dog that she lets stink up the couch.
Now that she's been reminded by her eyes than she owns a dog, she's put two and two together and figured out the whole Cause and Effect thing, and it's time to reach for the bottle of chemicals and start spraying it all over the place. The problem is, as soon as she's done spreading House Deodorant she's going to forget that she owns a dog again, and if she does that often enough that dog will probably die of malnutrition.
Then she'll have a dead dog, which will start to stink, and then more chemical spraying until the nice people from the state show up to remove the carcass and take the woman to another gleaming-white building filled with nice people wearing lab coats.
Saturday, December 22, 2018
In both of these ads, A Loof is brutally murdered by a bus or a train, a horrific event which has zero impact on A Lert, which goes about it's perfect, everyday life of using the still getting Back2Good Metro System as if absolutely nothing has happened. So either A Lert is deaf and blind (in which case, he ought to have a dedicated series of Metro Safety Ads) or he's some kind of bizarre Sociopath who simply doesn't care that the train he's happily getting on just ran over a fellow sentient creature.
What a sad world we live in. When I was a kid I remember Gallant being a goody two-shoes perfect little boy and Goofus being a (much more relateable) jerk, but I don't recall Goofus ever being punished for his behavior by getting maimed by mass transportation while Gallant celebrated his Obvious Superiority by whistling softly to himself and being totally oblivious to the horror that unfolded fifteen feet away.
We should at least be seeing A Lert crying out in terror and calling 911. Isn't he supposed to be A Lert? If you see something, say something!
And I don't get certain YouTube posters concerning this ad (which is showing up twice per commercial break during bowl games today) either.
What exactly is non-traditional about this ad? There's a Dad here. There are twins. There's a stepdaughter, and a "reveal" that mom- who I guess is either divorced or widowed- has a boyfriend. Is it that the stepdaughter isn't wearing a pretty dress, or that she' swearing "untraditional" makeup? Is it that mom's new boyfriend is an artist, and he's not wearing a cardigan or smoking a pipe, or that he has long hair and a beard? What is it about any of these people that makes them "untraditional?"
Is just that the ad features a blended family? Does Heineken think that this is a 21st century phenomenon? Is it even possible that anyone could think this?
I can't get the answer from the YouTube posters who think that this ad represents "degeneracy" and "the breakdown of the nuclear family"- no kidding, check it out. So can you help me with this? What am I missing here?
Friday, December 21, 2018
If you didn't notice the tiny Stouffers logo in the corner of the screen, you probably thought that this was a commercial for insurance, or McDonald's, or Gatorade, or something that was unrelated to the story that was unfolding on screen and which was supposed to pull at your heart strings or whatever.
With ten seconds left in a 79-second ad, we learn that this guy....eats Stouffers brand frozen boxed crap faux-lasagna. And this is important because....oh, sorry, can't tell you, because the ad is over.
Wednesday, December 19, 2018
"For over four generations, the Lavazza family has been perfecting the art of blending coffee."
How can a family "perfect" the art of blending coffee "for four generations?" Either the art has been perfected or it hasn't. Once it's been perfected, it can't be perfected any more. So shouldn't this ad really say that "for over four generations, the Lavazza family has gotten better and better at blending coffee?"
Also- why are all the other ads for this stuff so chock-full of stupid celebrity cameos? Why does anyone think that this is the way to sell coffee?
Finally- America runs on Dunkin, and there's a Starbucks on every corner. Does this Lavazza family really think that Americans are still looking for "perfectly blended coffee?" We're not. We just want the caffeine. If we cared about the taste, there wouldn't be a Dunkin Donuts every fifty yards in New England and a Starbucks every fifteen feet everywhere else.
Sunday, December 16, 2018
Notice how every Geico commercial is constructed exactly the same, with five seconds of non-information about the insurance company (usually how long it's been around, or how easy it is to sign up for it or file a claim) followed by ten seconds of banal nonsense that is only funny to people who think that EVERYTHING EVER MADE BY ANYONE is funny?
Check out this particular steaming pile of non-informative nothing. The fat doofus sitting on his lawnchair tells us Geico has been around for "over 75 years" (eighty-two, actually) and therefore "it's easy to trust Geico." This is the entirety of the educational part of this ad. This one line explaining that Geico has been around for what I guess is supposed to be considered a long time for an insurance company.
I'm not going to point out that several of Geico's chief rivals are even older companies and therefore, by this jackass's logic, are even more worthy of trust. For example, State Farm was established Ninety-Six years ago. And Allstate, which was established the year before Geico, making it at least a year more worthy of confidence. Even Progressive is only a decade younger than Geico. But as I said, I'm not going to point any of that out.
Instead, I'll stick with the as-usual-nonsensical "funny" part of the typical Geico ad, which is always designed to make you smirk or roll your eyes (or, if you are a YouTube commentator, spit your beer out of your nose and fall on the floor laughing before running to YouTube to let everyone know how much you LOL loved the ad.) This time, the theme is how easy it is to trust Geico, so the guy delivering the punchline tells us it's "Master of Hypnotist easy." As in, it's as easy as your life would be if you could mentally enslave your neighbors and order them around. Lovely.
Except, what? Is becoming a Master of Hypnosis easy? If not, what is the point of the punchline again? It seems to me that this guy is actually telling us that trusting Geico is as "easy" as doing something that is pretty much impossible for almost everybody- and if not impossible, certainly not desirable if one's goal is to improve societal health. Yeah, having slaves makes one's life "easy," if we embrace a very surface-level view of slavery and if one happens to be a slave owner and not a slave. Even if one is a slave owner, we can see from the few seconds of this commercial that Geico understands the corrosive nature of slave ownership- the guy in the chair isn't using his abilities to enrich anyone but himself, and is turning into a disgusting, worthless slug in the process.
Wait- "disgusting, worthless slug?" I finally found the right words to describe a typical Geico commercia. And you can trust me on that, this blog is almost ten years old, after all.
Saturday, December 15, 2018
The only thing more disturbing and utterly heartbreaking than this horrible ad is the number of YouTube commentators who think it's "damn catchy" and want to know what the lyrics are. Holy crap, people- Hark the Herald Angels Sing dates back to 1739 and it's one of pretty much everybody's favorite holiday hymns EVER. But you rape it (sorry, I can't think of another term which expresses my feelings at this moment) in the service of selling fried chicken parts, and the mentally deficient box turtles gush all over it as if KFC has done something wonderful here.
Well, no, but KFC has NOT done anything wonderful here. It's taken a beautiful song (which was originally meant to be sung at a slow, almost mournful pace) and run it through the Shredder of Ultimate Corporate Disrespect because it's in the public domain. Well, F-k you, KFC. And Double F-k you to the mouth-breathing jagoffs over at YouTube- you winners really need to just take a break from commenting online for.....well, frankly, EVER.
Back in the 1980s- a decade pretty much dedicated to the art of Conspicuous Consumption- there was this awesome store in the local mall called The Sharper Image which sold all kinds of nifty gadgets which all had one thing in common. Everything in the store was really cool, and really pointless (or, at least, way ahead of it's time- which meant that the concept was there but the tech had not yet quite caught up yet. For example, The Sharper Image was the first place I saw Wireless Headphones, Hoverboards, and Robot Vacuums, and I'm sure they all worked equally badly.)
It was, essentially, a place for poor kids like me to ogle fancy Toys for Adults, and for upper-class adults to buy toys for themselves.
Well, that particular The Sharper Image has gone the way of almost every other store at that mall, vanished off the face of the Earth to be replaced by a massive Filene's Basement, though I was a bit surprised to learn that the company itself does actually exist somewhere (perhaps as an internet-only entity.) About fifteen years ago I walked into my first Brookstone's and thought "hey, The Sharper Image is back with a new name," because Brookstone's does pretty much cater to the same audience, but it wasn't as cool probably because I wasn't 18 years old anymore.
Now there's Touch of Modern, where Stupid Rich People Who Have No Change For the Guy with the Bell can purchase electronic coasters which allow coffee cups to hover above the desk or floating Death Star models or super-nifty-SciFi Swiss Army knives or belts which don't quite work like the belts that the plebs buy at JC Penny. It isn't Toys for Adults- you can get vintage GI Joes at Ebay and video games at Walmart. These are showy pieces of pointless junk which serve exactly one purpose- to let everyone else know that you can afford to buy showy pieces of pointless junk. As in "Don't think for one minute that I saved for three years or took out a second mortgage to buy that Lexus in the driveway. I've got money coming out of my ears!"
So for that rich guy in your life who has everything- here's something they don't have, because they didn't know it existed. Because there's no reason for it to exist, except that there will always be people out there desperate to throw money around in the most ostentatious manner imaginable. And because it's 2018 they don't even have to drive to the mall to do it.
Friday, December 14, 2018
See, the gag here is that you thought the guy was getting up at 5 AM to work his butt off on the Peloton bike so he could stay in good shape for his wife. Sure, you thought it was kind of weird, since pretty much every other Peloton bike commercial you ever saw featured a twentysomething woman with the body of a triathelete/Sports Illustrated model getting up before dawn to sweat for an hour while being shouted at by another hot woman on a screen. Each of those ads ended with the woman toweling herself off before being greeted by two little kids and- eventually- the shlub she sold herself to who is finally getting HIS ass out of bed and who has no need for a Peloton bike himself because hey, Bank Account.
It's all made right at the end, as it's revealed that, yep, this is actually HER Christmas present and he was just taking it for a test ride, like that guy who put a whole 900 miles on the brand new Jaguar last year before handing it over to HIS trophy wife. This time the Grateful To Be Reminded That She Could Be In Better Shape spouse doesn't notice the slightly damp seat or any other signs that this gift has been broken in- she's too busy gushing with delight at the modern equivalent of a new washing matchine as an appropriate holiday present.
"Hey look, honey- a Peloton Bike, just for you! Now you can cancel those classes at the gym you clearly hated even though they were pretty much the only time you ever left the house to take a trip that didn't involve buying groceries or cleaning products! Now show how much you appreciate me by taking a pound off before making me breakfast!"
"Oh and BTW, don't bother looking out into the driveway- there's no Lexus wrapped in a ribbon for you again. How many years in a row does that make?"
Monday, December 10, 2018
I get that this is supposed to be super-cute and not at all trite or manipulative or drowning in BS g-d forbid. It's supposed to be just adorable that this guy not only decides he has to ask this little kid's permission before marrying his mom, but feels compelled to show the kid the ring in a way which, if you watch this without sound, looks as though he's offering it to the kid and not to the mom.
Because I'm a commercial curmudgeon, I'm going to point out a few obvious sticking points which make this ad kind of screwed up and certainly nothing that any guy interested in marrying a woman with a young child should take inspiration from.
First, I'm more than a little squicked at the concept of an adult man asking a male child for permission to marry an adult woman, as if that adult woman has no real say in the matter. He even pushes the ring toward the kid like he's offering payment for his mom. I guess it would be worse if we saw the guy asking the woman's FATHER for permission to marry her, but this really isn't much better.
Hey, buddy? This is the son of the woman you want to marry, not her master or her boss. Did she send you into his room to do this? I get that you're going to be a family and maybe there's even something a little sweet in getting the little boy ready for his mother to be married again, but how about a little conference with all three of you in the same room in which it's explained to the kid what is GOING to happen? Because, after all....
Second, this guy has pretty much set this up as the kid's decision to make. I guess he's been around for a while and he knows the kid very well, and the look on the little boy's face suggests that he really likes the guy and OF COURSE he's going to say "yes," but what if he doesn't? Is this a decision that ought to be made by a kid who can't get to sleep without his favorite stuffed Porg toy? What if he kind of still likes it being him and Mom and isn't quite ready to share her with this guy or anyone else? What if he says "maybe in a few years?" I don't imagine that the guy is really going to take a negative reaction as the signal to take the ring back to Kay Jewelers and renew his membership with Match.com. It's a lot more likely that the kid will be informed that umm, sorry, we were just trying to be cutesy and nice by asking, but we're getting married anyway, suck it up, buddy.
Sunday, December 9, 2018
All year, very wealthy people who live in fabulously large suburban McMansions with their trophy wives/husbands and trophy families will enjoy the Lexus someone in that house received as a Christmas present last December.
You know, that Lexus that was ostentatiously wrapped in a giant red bow to let everyone in the neighborhood know that yes, the family living in that ridiculous house is just as obnoxiously rich and willing to be conspicuous with it's consumption habits as you suspected they were. And that the horrendous performance of the stock market in 2018 did nothing to take the shine off their perfect lives.
All year, this family will enjoy the privileges of owning a Lexus SUV- like parking it right next to the stands at a sporting event instead of in the lot with the lesser cars, for example. They'll remember that Fourth of July when for some reason they took it to the beach so the kids could run around it holding sparklers like it was the center of a religious ceremony. Or that time someone was nice enough to invite them to an outdoor wedding so the guests could appreciate their car all day and not just as they arrived and departed.
Not shown: the daily trips to the car wash for the Luxury Detailing which allowed the family LookAtMeMobile to keep that Just Off The Showroom Floor shine.
Want a year like this? Then take advantage of Lexus' December to Remember offers and get yourself and your family one of these giant middle fingers to decency which make garages superfluous because after all, what is the point of owning a Lexus if you can't remind people you own a Lexus 24/7?
When is this woman's fifteen minutes of career as Toyota's Stupid Spokeschoad going to be over already? I mean, Toyota isn't going to pull a Progressive on us and keep this woman on contract until she looks like a fat, pale old vampire, are they?
I was looking for the ad where Jan is descending a staircase in front of a wall festooned with about 200 framed photos, 99 percent of which are....Toyotas....before we find ourselves in the Toyota showroom, suggesting that Jan actually lives above the shop that is the love of her life. Haven't found that one yet, but man it's weird.
Anyway, Toyota thinks that we want to see NINE Jans singing to use for a few seconds, probably because Toyota has long since stopped caring to find out what we really want, which is for Jan to just go away already. Oh, and I'm guessing Toyota thinks that this will remind us of The Brady Bunch,* which will tweak some nostalgia impulse and....make us want to go out and buy a Japanese car? Huh?
*One commenter was indeed reminded of The Brady Bunch when he saw this ad. And felt compelled to let us know for Reasons. So congratulations, Toyota, you managed to accomplish...umm, something.
Saturday, December 8, 2018
I guess the only reason why anyone would be interested in visiting The Phillipines or eating Spanish food or experimenting with Lithuanian cooking would be if they discovered that they can trace their ancestry back to these places?
Let's cut to the chase, shall we? It's time to be painfully blunt about all of this DNA test nonsense. They aren't about learning more about your background or appreciating the hidden diversity of the population. They are about further indulging the navel-gazing Upper Middle Class with a new toy they can purchase with the money that seems to be forever burning a whole in it's pocket.
Just look at the people in these ads. They aren't all white, but they ARE all obviously well-off financially and they all carry this obnoxious level of smug piety while absolutely oozing liberal suburban "values." They all adore everyone and "don't see" color or sexual differences and loudly condemn racism every chance they get, slapping "We Love Our Muslim Neighbors" on their front yards (which almost universally exist in neighborhoods with zero Muslim neighbors.) They are way, way above the concepts of bigotry and intolerance.
And yet, they are also obsessed with their own bloodlines and convinced that DNA is Destiny. How else can we explain the fact that they not only went through the effort to send a vial of spit to Utah along with $59, $99 or whatever (as if the amount matters to these people) but also instantly respond to the results by seeking out cheap, surface-level ways to advertise their newfound "roots?" Kelly Ripa reacts to discovering that she's 24% Italian by spitting out catchphrases in that language as the cameraman and her loving cultists follow her around a bakery. The nobodies in this ad simply MUST visit the Home of their Ancestors or at the very least learn to cook some of the stuff they had to eat before they escaped to America (if I find out that I'm 24% Mississippian, does that mean I should learn how to prepare chicken-fried steak with greens fried in lard, or can I just visit The Golden Corrall after church every Sunday?)
So you tell me- how does "embracing diversity and recognizing that we are all part of a rich tapestry of cultures" jibe with "I need to find out what percentage Lithuanian I am so I can adopt a new diet and jet off on a vacation to visit places that have no actual meaning to me but which I intend to look at teary-eyed and wistfully for the camera?" How does any of this "you are what your blood says you are" get us any closer to breaking down tribalism? Seems to me that as these kits get cheaper and more and more of us learn exactly what percentage Albanian Orthodox we are, the level of race-and-origin obsession is just going to become deeper and more dividing.
But hey, at least these bored, pretentious, bloodine-obsessed twits have something to talk about at the next dinner party beyond the next farmer's market and how Tolerant they are.
As usual, G-d as portrayed by television producers has all the time in the world to f--k around with Upper Middle Class people in highly advanced Western societies. Now he's on Facebook, suggesting that G-d hasn't been keeping up with social media trends lately. If he was better informed, he'd know that Facebook is kind of old school and he'd be doing his communicating through Twitter or SnapChat, not Facebook, which is so Your Mother's Social Media.
Meanwhile, that kid sitting by a river in Kenya waiting for the worm that is boring a hole through his eye to leave him blind before he reaches his teen years- well, sorry, kid, but G-d is too busy contacting pretty people in the Upper 10% tax bracket to help you out right now. Too busy making friend suggestions to those people, too. Maybe if you got yourself an iPhone and Verizon you'd rate a little assistance. Sucks to be you, but that's how G-d rolls.
According to American television producers, of course.
Friday, December 7, 2018
So I guess the guy in this ad is visiting from the year 1980, because he feels like he has to psych himself up in order to work up the courage to call Discover and
1. Apply for a card, and
2. Demand that there be no annual fee attached to that card.
And of course he's going to end up looking like a total idiot because it's 2018 and the only credit cards that carry annual fees are those Platinum things which also give you free sky miles and allegedly awesome hotel deals and a free ride through security at airports and the opportunity to sit in a plush easy chair in some airport bar rather than along the dregs in those uncomfortable plastic seats at the gate where you have to deal with listening to everybody else's "personal device" and scramble for space at the phone charging station.
Not to mention that he's trying to get a DISCOVER card, the favorite card of first-year college students with maybe $500 to their names and no credit history- in 1982. Holy crap, I bet this guy spends the entire weekend chanting "you can do it you can do it you can do it" before heading off to Starbucks and asking for extra foam on his caramel latte.
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
Because nothing says "Christmas" like torturing your house pet by making it wear stupid crap which makes it hot and will probably end up injuring it's paws by slipping all over your hardwood floor. Whatever, it's hysterical and great for "sharing," so it's all good, right?
Before the holidays are over, this dog will respond to the doorbell ringing by whimpering, wetting all over the place and hiding under the bed, because by then it will associate every ring with a new horror that's going to be wrapped around it's already suffering, cringing body.
Oh, but the YouTube Gang just adores this ad. Check out the comments- one of them is "What is this song?" No kidding. Never mind that the name of the song is the only part of the song we actually hear. Someone has to ask that question in every YouTube comment section, and this one will be no exception. And as for the other comments- well, let's just say that there are a lot of stupid people out there. Stupid people willing to share their stupid on YouTube.
Sunday, December 2, 2018
I still can't believe that this Vector thing is for real and I could actually buy one if I wanted something for my apartment that never shut up for one moment but instead chirped, trilled, whistled and beeped nonstop until I finally crushed it by repeatingly stepping on it while wearing steel-toed boots (while it beeped and shrieked for mercy, no doubt.)
I don't get it. How desperately lonely do you need to be to want an electronic device that just kept reminding you that it existed all the time? I'm not there yet.
Saturday, December 1, 2018
Because like pretty much everybody else I know, when it rains for a few days in a row I just go to the internet, find a beach vacation, and away I go. On a beach vacation. Because I "haven't seen the sun in days."
Because like everyone else I know, I don't work for a living or have any actual responsibilities of any kind. The only reason I stay in any one place for more than a very limited amount of time is if the weather stays nice. When it turns nasty, I give it a couple of days to clear up, but if it doesn't, well, it's off on another beach vacation.
You know, like pretty much everybody else.
*37,000,000 views? Yeah, right. More like a gigantic salute to the power of bots and their ability to generate a fake audience. If anywhere near 37 million people actually watched this garbage (which has about a dozen replies and a massive 128 thumbs-ups) it was because it keeps showing up in front of things they DO want to watch. You know, like Prager U with 99 percent less obnoxiousness.
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
See, it's FUNNY because grampa's OLD and he's SNORING and we can make fun of him while he sleeps by playing with his nose!
And this entire house has exactly one room so it's not like we can just leave grampa alone to have his nap and go talk somewhere else, that's just not possible-- besides, if we left, we couldn't make fun of Stupid Old Grampa If He Didn't Want Us to make Fun of him He Wouldn't be So Old!
And all of this has to do with auto insurance 'cause Shut Up it's Funny!
(I'm warning you in advance: don't read the comment section. Just.....don't go there. Not if you want to retain even the slightest hope for the future of mankind.)
Sunday, November 25, 2018
So this guy really wants nothing to do with the new neighbors who are experiencing their first Canadian winter. The new neighbors tell him this as a way to break the ice (no pun intended) but his response is to go back to his coffee with a "leave me alone" look on his face. This neighborhood is cold in more ways than one, turns out.
Oh, but wait. Turns out that the new neighbor traces his ancestry back to Ireland, and so does the established "leave me alone" guy. Well, why didn't you say so! Now you both have something in common and worth bonding over. You can share coffee and chats over the fence and when that fence breaks no big deal you'll fix it together and hey it's almost Christmas let's string lights together now that we are best buds because our great-great-grandparents lived on the same island once.
What if, after a couple of years, one of the neighbors casually drops the fact that his family came from a particular part of Ireland- the Northern Part- and originally resettled there from their palatial Estate in London? How about if their first "Irish" ancestor was an Anglican Minister who actually spent most of his time in England but visited Ireland from time to time to collect rents from his serfs, until that whole famine thing caused him to kick all those dirty renters off his land and send them off to America? How close is the bond between these neighbors going to be then?
Point is, maybe knowing some distant ancestors came from the same part of Europe isn't the strongest reason to stop being an antisocial dick to your neighbors and actually acknowledge their existence and maybe even be somewhat freindly to them. This commercial makes it so obvious that if the new neighbors had been English, or French, or Italian, or Black, the Wall of Silence would have remained solid and unyielding. I don't think that's a very heartwarming message.
Saturday, November 24, 2018
The Normatively Beautiful Young Woman working in an office filled with Normatively Beautiful Young Women can't understand why her Blandly Handsome Boyfriend isn't surprising HER with balloons, flowers or ludicrously oversized, completely impractical teddy bears on Valentine's Day 2018.
Ah but it turns out ok- sort of- as Mr. Boyfriend From Central Casting was just waiting for her to get back to their Standard Palace Apartment to give her a piece of rock on a metal string. All is well with the world, except....
Now Normatively Beautiful Woman has to figure out how she's going to subtly let all of her female coworkers know that she has a new piece of jewelry that was given to her by her Standard Issue Boyfriend on Valentine's Day and he did NOT forget that Very Important "Holiday" he just didn't make a showy scene of the gift giving (which is what she wanted, but Shut Up He's Awesome.)
Thursday, November 22, 2018
Dr. Pepper: Soda so crappy that it can only be the official drink of a place that doesn't actually exist! Way to go, Dr. Pepper!
As for these people....well, WTF, like we haven't seen a version of this stupid crap 25,000 times in other ads. The only thing dumber than the "how did we sit last time" shtick is the idea that these losers are wearing jerseys and face paint so they can sit on their livingroom couch and watch the game on tv. And drink junk soda out of cans with the labels turned toward the camera. All to root root root for Dear Old Generic State. GOOOOOOO STATE!!
"See, guys, it's just like being at the game, except I didn't have to spend a hundred bucks on tickets!"
If you're under ten years old, you probably don't remember when Black Friday started on.....Friday. That is, the Friday morning after Thanksgiving. At around, say, 9 AM or so.
And if you're under six years old you probably don't remember Black Friday starting at Midnight on Thankgiving, as this woman is singing about. After a day of cooking, cleaning, hosting, and being with friends and family, she's wide awake, fresh, and first in line to get into Kohl's to take advantage of all the awesome sales that are regularly available from On The Brink of Bankruptcy Kohl's on the internet every single minute of every single day. Because it's fun to be in a parking lot at midnight, I guess.
And of course nowadays there's no real start to Black Friday anymore- Kohls opens it's doors at 5PM on Thanksgiving, which I guess gives lunatic shopaholics more than enough time with that family and those friends, Hey It's Been Fun but there's money to be spent so Bye Everybody I'm off to the anachronistic mall to get stuff I could get online but It's Just Not the Same There's Something to be said for Tradition After All. And I guess 5 PM gives all those workers enough time with their families as well- I mean, sure, a 5 PM opening probably means that most of them have to be at the store by 3 PM to set up, but heck how much time does it take to say you're thankful and eat and chat with loved ones? There are consumers to be catered to, after all.
I think I'll look around for a Prager U video explaining to me how Black Friday is a celebration of Capitalism which means it's a Celebration of America which means it's an Affirmation of G-d's Existance, because this whole Black Friday thing is really getting me down. Well, have the happiest Thankgiving possible anyway, people, for however long it lasts.
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Yes, I'm doing whatever I can do avoid writing a review sheet, writing a test, or revising my report card comments. I might even clean my bathroom and vacuum after I finish this.
.01 Seconds- why does this woman look like she's just conquered a Best Western Hotel? Holy crap, I understand and admire being proud of your job, but it's a freaking Best Western. And you don't own the freaking place, you just work there! WT Serious F???
..02- And now she looks into a bag and acts like it contains a million-dollar check from Publisher's Clearing House which will free her from the drudgery of a life that requires her to stay at Best Western Hotels,
.03 - but it turns out that it's just a free night stay, which causes her to spin into a dance of joy WTF IS GOING ON HERE??
.05- now she's eating her craptacular Continental Breakfast and being interrupted by an impossibly thrilled-to-death drone employee who just lives to ask her if he wants more freaking orange juice. Good lord, woman, it's a Continental Breakfast. If the guest wants more OJ, she can get the hell up and get it herself. If you want to go around offering it that's fine, but please stop shoving your face into people who are just trying to eat to ask if they want their glass refilled.
:07- I work out at the local YMCA four times a week. I am long past the thrill of walking on a treadmill. This crazy woman acts as if it is the greatest moment of her life- or, at least, the greatest moment of her life since that time she won a free night at Best Western.
The final six seconds of this crappy nub of an ad is that way-too-familiar perky narrator squeaking about how superamazingawesome it is to get double rewards points because it results in even more nights at America's Favorite Bland Chain Hotel. Yay.
Time to clean that bathroom.
Saturday, November 17, 2018
So finding out you are 24% Italian increases the likelihood that you'll become an insufferable navel-gazing douchenozzle twat roughly 100%? That your odds of being bearable around actual human beings drops roughly 75%? Can someone explain to me how this commercial "sells" Ancestry.com as anything more than an opportunity to become more impossibly self-absorbed than you already are?
"Want to never, ever be invited to parties again? Want people to scream in terror at your approach? Get your results at Ancestry.com!"
Oh, by the way, here's Kelly Ripa's complete genetic breakdown, hacked from Wikileaks:
22% All My Children
*I'm sorry, but this woman is 48 years old. She does not look like this in real life. The reason why she's constantly smiling in this ad is because her face is permanently frozen in that position. I don't think she is physically capable of blinking at this point.
Friday, November 16, 2018
I'm not at all surprised that comments are blocked on YouTube for this ad. Almost 60% of those who have responded with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down have rendered a negative verdict on it, and I suspect that a significant number of those thumbs-up are robo-generated. I have no evidence for this, just a faint level of faith in my fellow humans.
This woman....I mean, jesus. I know that she's probably just getting started in her acting career and is hoping that just maybe this will be the start of something bigger somewhere down the road, but....I'm sorry. There is such a thing as a price too high to pay, lady. When the director of this ugly little nub of awful told you to start shimmying while chanting "I got my mon-ey!" you really should have just given him a dirty look and walked away. You should have just said "no, this just isn't worth it, I'm sorry."
Instead, you agreed to put on a five-second minstrel show and behaved like a braying jackass in front of millions of people who, as it turns out, probably never want to see your face or hear your voice in anything ever, ever again. I hope it was worth it. I kind of doubt that it was.
Sunday, November 11, 2018
I get what Green Dot cards are- they are a way for people whose credit rating is in the toilet so they can't get a standard VISA card from a standard bank to carry money around using plastic anyway. They are for people whose finances are such a mess- or so meagre- that they can't go down to the nearest bank and open a basic savings or checking account and get a debit card. They are for people who lack identification or the most rudimentary knowledge of how banks work. They are for the people who live on the margins of the economy, and they for sure don't include this screeching nutcase making blood money by singing of the joys of using buggy, unpredictable plastic cards to electronically store cash in between trips to the Dollar Tree.
But I really hate the fact that these cards are being promoted as a PREFERABLE ALTERNATIVE to those "big banks" which are probably not an option to the target audience. This woman sings about the joy of avoiding "bank fees"- but Green Dot cards come with fees that are actually higher than some credit cards, and MUCH higher that Debit Cards (because Debit Cards typically come with NO fees.) Read the fine print and check how much you'll pay for the "convenience" of having your paycheck direct-deposited on to one of these things if you don't believe me.
She suggests that using big banks is a royal pain, but when you have a dispute over a purchase or an account balance, which would you rather deal with- an automated phone bank featuring an endless loop of recorded "options" followed (if you're lucky) by a conversation with someone who barely speaks or understands English and who is sitting in an Indian boiler room, or that awful big bank down the street which has actual people you can discuss your problems with face to face? Seems like a pretty obvious choice to me.
And what I hate most of all is that these things are just another element in the sub-economy that includes Dollar Stores, Rent A Center and CashStop "services." Just another industry aimed at the most vulnerable, being sold as some wonderful innovation that "spares" it's audience the "hassle" of conveniences and protections the rest of us enjoy. Really disturbing, and very sad.
Saturday, November 10, 2018
This guy is married to an astronaut. She's got a PhD in Engineering and another in Mathematics, and she beat out more than 5000 applicants to land this extremely delicate job on an orbiting space station which might just make scientific history. He's a stupid shlub who can't remember where he put the keys to their crappy little compact car, so he has to keep bugging her to unlock it from space using her SmartPhone.
She does this, grudgingly, wondering why on Earth (no pun intended) she's a brilliant, talented scientist who settled for a worthless loser who can't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight and can't keep stop losing his car keys.
And don't even get me started on how the signal from her phone even reaches that car from space. I'm not at all sure that this is possible, whether the phone is using terrestrial cell towers or satellites to transfer that signal. Or how Inept Moron Married to an Astronaut (oh, the power of that MRS Degree!) can talk to someone in space using a cellphone while my calls from Barre to Orange- 5 miles apart- fail to connect or get dropped regularly.
And I'm not even going to bother to mention that other commercials for this ugly little car do little more than advertise it as a place to charge your cellphone and check your social media, like an uncomfortable, cramped version of your freaking living room. No time for any of that when the real message is the old familiar one- women are beautiful, brilliant and ultra-competent beings who inexplicity but with numbing regularity hook up with stupid, clumsy, barely-functional males of the same species Because Reasons.
Thursday, November 8, 2018
Ugh, we are still weeks away from Thanksgiving and we are already being ssaulted by commercials featuring "Santa Claus" and his reliance on some stupid product? That's not very promising. When I was a kid, Santa Claus sold razors and Coca-Cola. Now he sells everything from batteries to luxury automobiles. And when I was a kid, the commercials whoring out Santa Claus didn't start until we were digging into the turkey sandwiches. Now we're lucky if they are held in storage until after Halloween.
And oh, by the way, why are the people in this ad using objects that look like they belong in commercials from the 1980s? Everything here looks clunky and totally retro. Maybe because this is an ad for batteries that aren't the shape of matchbooks or the size of dimes- you know, the thinks most kids think about when they imagine "batteries" these days?
Oh, and one more thing- how the hell could this woman find the gall to blame Santa Claus for her inability to look up before she walks into the Christmas tree? I mean, seriously, WTF? "Oh look, I crashed into the tree and it's all your fault because you used crummy batteries in this plastic piece of crap and I was struggling with it and was totally distracted?" Would that really fly with anybody?
Sunday, November 4, 2018
1. So JD Power hands out awards to crappy truck companies AND internet cable systems? Well, isn't that something. And it turns out that two people pay attention to JD Power's rankings- the scruffy Eurotrash douchenozzle whose entire acting career involves pretending to keep Real People Not Actors in suspense about the make of the truck he's showing them, and this squishy little creep.
2. Why is this blob of protoplasm congratulating the installation guy on a reward "won" by his employer? Why does he think the installation guy gives a flying damn? What is this kid going to do next- head down to McDonald's and high-five the guy cleaning the windows because McDonald's is the world's largest fast food chain for the 40th year in a row?
3. If I turned around and saw this smear of molecules standing next to me, I think I'd jump out of my shoes, not respond with a a calm, casual "hey." Once I got over my morbid curiousity, I might ask him why he's so obsessed with a cable company- seriously, shouldn't this creep be back in his house playing video games? I mean, it DOES look like a nice day there. What is he doing outside?
4. "Want me to watch the van?" What the hell? It's easy to imagine that this -- umm-- "person" engaged in conversation with the cable guy as a ruse with the ultimate goal of stealing installation equipment to put under his pillow or perhaps hang on the wall of his bedroom to swoon over in private. This is really getting disturbing, Verizon. Not as disturbing as that kid, all by himself, but disturbing.
Saturday, November 3, 2018
Actually, society was ruined by the stupid electronics that allow us to "enjoy" brain-dead television everywhere quite some time ago, so maybe it does make more sense to argue that Hulu is going to "ruin television."
All I see in this ad are idiots wasting their lives staring at small screens no matter where they are or what they are doing. Laying on your bed, sitting in a restaurant, actually "socializing" with fellow human life forms, whatever- keep staring at that streaming video, keep consuming this crap and when you get done binging on whatever swill Netflix shoveled into your vacant brain last season, get to "work" binging on the next pointless crap Now Available On Your Electronic Device.
And I'm not going to shed any tears over the final two seconds of this noxious crud, where we see that Hulu will ruin the experience of flying Business Class as loathsome wastes of organs like this wretched woman (I don't care who she is, so don't bother to tell me. Seriously. I DON'T CARE) laugh out loud at whatever they are watching without headphones, startling you away from your book or nap or thoughts or conversation with the person next to you. Because the real message of this ad is identical to pretty much every ad featuring cell phones made over the past ten years or so- the only reason to exist on Earth nowadays is to watch stuff on TV and "share" that experience with the people around you with your reactions to the brain candy you're "enjoying." That's it. That's all there is.
I won't be "ruining TV" by getting Hulu-- because TV was ruined forever ago by Netflix and Amazon Prime Video and multiple other Garbage Delivery Systems which allow the zombies to watch it wherever, whenever. TV isn't a way to unwind after work - it's the Be All and End All for more and more people. Hulu isn't the problem- it's just part of it. This commercial is all about Hulu trying to be a BIGGER part of the problem. What a great goal, Hulu. If you get there, it will be without me.
Friday, November 2, 2018
I guess Arby's just figures that there aren't enough Greek-Americans to kick up a fuss at this obnoxious, insulting little nub of an ad. They don't care about the rantings of a blogger with next to no followers even after ten years in the field, they sure don't care about the less than 1 percen of Americans who proudly trace their ancestory back to Greece.
So I'm not even going to bother snarking on this jackass for telling us how he "sees the flavors" in these sandwiches. WTF-ever, I get you're trying to be poetic as you tell us about faux-Greek food from your garbage junk dealer "restaurant." There's not much point when 99 out of every 100 idiots who order these sandwiches will pronounce their name wrong. I just hate all of you right now.
Wednesday, October 31, 2018
This guy is daydreaming about quitting his job, deserting his family, and "just walking away." Naturally, the YouTube glue-sniffers think this is just hysterical.
In fact, this commercial would actually work if we then cut to his wife thinking exactly the same thing. No wait, it really wouldn't- because then we'd have Snickers presenting as comedy the idea that BOTH parents are fantasizing about abandoning all responsibility - "just walking away."
I guess the idea is that "you aren't yourself when you're hungry"- the guy doesn't REALLY want to abandon his wife and kids, he just slips into that mindset when his tummy is a little grumbly. Is that supposed to make this more understandable? Doesn't work for me.
Oh, and the YouTubers losing control of your bodily functions over this? I bet none of you have jobs, a family, or a date in your measurable past or your perceivable future. And I'm certain that the guy who called this a "dad joke" gets all of his information about "dads" from Andy Capp and For Better or For Worse strips.
Monday, October 29, 2018
So the same boring jackass has been hosting these Chevrolet "Real People Not Actors" commercials for YEARS now, but we are supposed to believe that Chevy can still find a group of Americans willing to be driven out into the desert and then "quizzed" about the identity of the truck manufacturer the spokeschoad is talking about and be even slightly uncertain as to what the correct answer is? Really?
If I had been part of this group and heard the woman standing next to me answer "um...Ford?" I would have turned to her and responded "what, seriously? Are you kidding me? This guy is only slightly less recognizable than Flo from the Progressive Ads or that Eurodouche dweeb from Verizon. He's asking you, a Real Person Not an Actor, to name the company that built the truck speeding toward you in the middle of this desert. And you're totally clueless as to the answer? What freaking rock have YOU been living under?"
Come on, Chevy. You can't get away with this anymore. You had a good run with this schtick- a good run which ended about three years ago, to be honest with you. But you insisted on beating the bit to death because there's no end to the population of attention-starved jackanapes willing to slobber over your crappy trucks on TV. Seriously, though- it's over. Move on. Because it's just not possible to believe the Looks of Amazement Upon Discovering Oh It's Chevy You're Talking About looks anymore. It hasn't been, for a long time. But nobody expected you to get it until long, long after we did.
In fact, every single one of your ads is a celebration of dishonesty. Your Real People not Actors commercials feature people at least attempting to act. And your "I just wanted to tell you....just one more thing" yapping jackass is also reading from a script. This is obvious, and you clearly don't care that you're lying because you have zero respect for your potential customers. What the hell did we ever do to you?
Again, please. Stop insulting us and move on.
Sunday, October 28, 2018
1. This guy seems perfectly competent when it comes to caring for that baby. He isn't stumbling around, he doesn't look completely clueless and confused, and the kid never seems in any danger of being killed in 500 different ways during her 15-minute Dad time. Maybe Commercial Land is starting to get it- we are way past the days of Michael Keaton and Mr.Mom, and guys taking care of their own offspring is not exactly like fish trying to ride bicycles.
2. On the other hand, we see absolutely no interaction between Dad and Child throughout this entire ad. The guy is just going about his day-to-day and the baby just happens to be along for the ride. We never once see him kiss her or talk to her or in any way acknowledge her existance. No, she's not in danger- but she's in no way Dad's active companion as he engages in one financial transaction after another. She's JUST THERE. Might as well be in a stroller or a backpack.
3. This baby has bare feet throughout the entire journey from store to store, only wearing shoes when she's home....what the hell? What was the weather like out there? Let's assume it was nice and warm, because that way I don't have to get rid of Point #1. But why stick shoes on the kid after you bring it in the house?
Saturday, October 27, 2018
So this woman gets an unexpectedly high bill and exclaims "I don't know what to do!" Which I'm pretty sure is supposed to translate into "I don't have the money to pay this bill, and because I know absolutely nothing about how these things work, I assume that I'll be in debtor's prison this time next week!"
The disgusting spokeschoad for CashNetUSA.com who, I should charitably ad, is just a struggling actor trying to land his big break by making a total ass of himself on these commercials (I imagine that he daydreams being shown clips from these ads by Conan O'Brien someday while they both have a good laugh over his Humble Roots in the Trade) hears that she's in need of money and runs up six flights of stairs to intercept her and encourage her to check out the people who pay him. Turns out that she can get that extra money she needs maybe even within 24 hours as long as she's got a car or something else she can risk losing and is willing to pay interest rates that would choke a horse. Naturally, she's grateful.
Of course, if your credit rating isnt' in the toilet, you deal with things like this by using a credit card or taking out a small bank loan to cover the unexpected expense. I suspect that CashNetUSA.com isn't all that interested in people whose credit rating isn't in the toilet- unless some of those people are actually stupid enough to think that CashNetUSA.com is a better alternative than a credit card payment or a bank loan (Earth to those people: No, it's not.) These people do exist, judging from the number of posts at RipoffReport.com written by Rent A Center customers who claim that they have good credit ratings, bank accounts, and credit cards yet STILL decided to rent at usury-level interest rates Just Because It Seemed Convenient And Plus I'm Stupid.
Friday, October 26, 2018
I usually wrap with this observation, but this time I'll get it over with early- every single one of the comments posted under this video (other than my own, of course) is the product of a mentally ill chipmunk or a nickle-per-post loser trying to scrape together enough money to hit the McDonald's Dollar Menu. You people are SAD.
Ok, on to this commercial: Sure doesn't take much to get this guy happy, does it? One last strip of grass on a lawn the size of a postage stamp? I guess I should be grateful that this fat slob doesn't have a riding mower, but jeesh, buddy. Not a whole lot going on in your life, is there?
Oh, and you save money with Geico, so you and your weird obese family can afford a few extra take-out pizzas per month, isn't that special. Maybe you should knock off the junk food and save the money for a new addition on your tiny house which is nowhere big enough for your family of rhinos- seriously, it looks like you guys have to take turns using the living room. To quote Daffy Duck, that house looks like you guys have to go outside to change your minds. To paraphrase Mr. Burns, you are the fattest family I've seen in years, and I've been on Safari.
I'm sure that sounds mean, but that's only because it is. This guy is stupid and gross and that house is comically small and his family is dumb to be so happy in it. Even if I didn't hate everything already I'd loathe this commercial, but they sure make it easy.
Wednesday, October 24, 2018
This creepy, greasy Eurotrash jagoff is taking a break from roaming around suburbs and parks jumping people with "information" about Verizon to hang out in a store having a verbal orgasm over the latest overpriced shiny toy that lets you buy things.
Not satisfied to gush over This Month's Must-Have Phone Offer to himself, he decides he's going to strike up a conversation with a Pretty Young Diverse Couple which was just minding it's own business and maybe already talking to an actual employee of the store. He tells the guy side of the couple that he can find the sneakers he's wearing online. Because the guy has apparently been living in a box for his entire life, he doesn't believe the claim that one could use a smart phone to shop online, I mean what kind of magic is that?
So greasy Verizon spokeschoad proves him wrong (I guess, we don't really see this, the ad just ends with him mugging for the camera with his stupid extremely punchable face.) Let's take a moment to sum up the point of this guy's pitch- he's standing in an actual store, telling a customer that this new smartphone makes it super-easy to find and purchase sneakers online. You just take a picture of sneakers, and "it will tell you where you can buy them." You can do this in any store- just go to the nearest FootLocker, point your phone at a pair of sneakers on the shelf, and two seconds later you'll be told where you can buy them ONLINE. Be sure to thank the FootLocker employee for putting the sneakers on display, and if you think about it, apologize for costing him a sale (and, eventually, his job.)
By the same logic, isn't it just as easy to use that smartphone- or any other smartphone, or a laptop, or the bulky desktop computer at the local library- to buy another smartphone? Isn't this skinny uber-creep just telling us that the Verizon store he's standing in is an endangered species and that all those people working there will be searching for another dead-end, commission-based job in the dwindling brick and mortar economy in the very near future.....thanks, at least partially, to Verizon?
Finally- can someone please just kick this jackass to the curb already? And then run over him while you're at it? Please?
Sunday, October 21, 2018
I wonder how many times Subway thought we wanted to watch some kid's pathetic YouTube footage of him "accomplishing" the trick of flipping a water bottle so it lands on its cap- the kind of thing I take points off of tests for if my kids do it in class is something to be "celebrated" as an "accomplishment" to Subway, I guess.
The only thing I see being "accomplished" here is another episode in the very, very American series entitled "watch I filmed myself doing something almost unbelievably pointless and without value by any stretch of the imagination and even throw my hands up in triumph when I accomplished this stunningly stupid and pointless thing."
Since there are no "stakes" here, I can only guess that Subway went with the tagline "Let's Raise the Stakes" in order to make a totally lame pun about Steak in the sandwiches. Ok, fine- but why not accompany that little bit of punnery with someone actually ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING- why not show this kid getting first prize in a Science Fair or a 5 on an Advanced Placement Exam or even winning a board game with grandma (in which everyone wins, because time was spent with grandma instead of by yourself with your camera flipping a freaking bottle 2000 times until you "succeeded" in getting it land on it's cap, good lord just kill yourself now ok?)
Oh, right- because that's not at all funny or entertaining. Never mind that this is pretty much the opposite of funny or entertaining, regardless of what the glue-sniffing morons in the comment section seem to think. I'm going to avoid Subway out of principle after seeing this ad because man this is stupid- and calling it "stupid" is being really mild.
Saturday, October 20, 2018
1. Why is this woman even thinking about which whiskey to purchase at the bar? She was already clued in to the deliciously daring goodness of Jim Beam whiskey in a previous ad. She seems to have forgotten her previous encounter with Mila Kunis which, I'm sorry, is not at all plausible to me.
2. Is this woman with the guy standing right next to her? If so, why is he ordering only for himself? If not, why is he standing right next to her? It sure looks like they are together- but (and I know it's been a while since I've been on the dating scene) isn't it still kind of traditional for the guy to order for the woman he's with before asking for his own drink?
3. Why does Kunis dissapear at the end of this ad? Is she supposed to be a ghost, or what?
Friday, October 19, 2018
In this commercial, Google celebrates the Idiocracy it helped create with it's Instant Answers Don't Even Think About It magic machines. Haha, check out all the idiots who think that Lincoln is Jefferson and Tomatoes are Tangarines, thank goodness they've got their magic box in their chubby hands to do their thinking for them!
And if that isn't enough to make you weep for your generation, just check out the comments. I dare you. When did quoting a commercial or typing "I LOST IT LOL" become worthy of approval? And why didn't I just die way before that happened?
Wednesday, October 17, 2018
Yes, because insurance companies are so anxious to pay off claims that they'll pop up and attempt to shove money into your face if they even THINK you're injured. Especially AFLAC, whose duck- which stopped being funny about twenty years ago BTW- will practically jump you with a bill full of money if you so much as HINT that you might be in need of financial assistance. Uh huh.
The only thing more ridiculous than the notion that AFLAC just can't wait to hand you money is the suggestion that this woman actually forgot that she signed up to pay for very, very expensive insurance. How big is this woman's salary if she didn't even notice those huge chunks of it being handed to AFLAC every freaking payday?
Sunday, October 14, 2018
Chubb Commercial # 1- this rich jackass is waxing poetic about the palatial estate that has been in his family for years and years that he loves very much but rarely visits because after all, he's got six other homes to live in. He has insurance on it from this disgusting company called Chubb (which just SOUNDS like it's insurance to protect the toys of the very wealthy.)
This guy is so impressed that when wildfires broke out around his Ancestorial Estate and other losers were watching their So-Called Homes going up in smoke because they couldn't afford Chubb Insurance, Chubb sent a private firefighting squad to protect the house he owns but doesn't live in. Doesn't occur to this jackass that maybe Chubb just did the math and figured out that it would be a lot cheaper to protect the house from fire than replace the house if it went up in flames. Nah, he's too busy thinking how he "didn't ask them" to protect his house. I wonder if he's irritated because he was hoping to use the Total Loss Settlement to buy property he might actually want and use. Either way, here's a company that was willing to risk the lives of firefighters to protect some guy's seventh house - firefighters who I'm sure stood by and watched the houses of Not Customers and Therefore Not People reduced to rubble- and this is supposed to be heartwarming (no pun intended.) Uh huh.
Chubb Commercial # 2- I don't encourage anyone to slog their way through this entire Special Insurance for Special People ad; it's pretty disgusting and if it doesn't make you long for the good old days when pigs like this were being marched off to the National Razor to the cheers of the crowd you are no friend of mine. Instead, I'll just point out one scene near the end, where a greying man is standing in front of a McMansion talking about how Chubb Insurance protects "everything he owns" while his wife and kid look on appreciatively from the front yard. That pretty much says it all, doesn't it?
Saturday, October 13, 2018
1. I knew ten seconds in that these idiots from Safe Diversity Casting INC were Urbanites who got all their "information" about living in the country from old Disney films. I mean, the woman here imagines that birds are something other than dirty pests and that it would be fun to have a disease-ridden, sharp-toothed-and-clawed rodent hanging around like a dog.
2. I knew twenty seconds in that I was watching a BS overdose presented to us by State Farm because there's this weird connection attempted between "Savings Accounts" and "Buying a Dream Home." It sure SOUNDS LIKE we're supposed to get "if you save money with State Farm you'll have money for that Dream Home, because unlike every other bank on the planet we actually pay high dividends on Savings Accounts instead of nothing at all." What the commercial is REALLY saying is "if you do any business at all with State Farm, you'll have access to financial experts who can guide you to good investments that might- MIGHT- get you the money you need for that Dream House someday."
3. I knew thirty seconds in that the people who made this ad decided that the only way they could get their point across was to shame urban-dwellers as disgusting losers who live in small, cramped apartments on noisy streets because they are too oafish and stupid to take advantage of the awesome opportunities offered by State Farm. Nothing to do with stagnant incomes or anything like that. The nice couple starring in this commercial, obviously way too good to be living in this nasty apartment better suited for Lesser People, will soon escape this Urban Dystopia for something more suitable to their station in life. I'm sure they'll wave to sad, uninformed scum as they drive away.
Friday, October 12, 2018
MATURE (Adjective) 1. Complete in natural growth or development. 2. Ripe, as fruit, or fully aged, as wine or cheese. 2. Fully developed in body or mind.
Hmmmm....none of these seem to fit Playstation 4's newest version of it's long-running abomination, "Call of Duty," which always involves turning being a soldier into a freaking joke and something you can do from your mommy's couch. While wearing a hat you can use as a weapon now, I guess.
So can someone please explain to me why these games are rated "mature?" That word sure as hell doesn't describe anyone who actually plays them.
However, it does come a lot closer to describing the game than it does any of the drooling, semi-literate idiots who responded to this trailer on YouTube. I weep for my nation when I read some of this crap.
Wednesday, October 10, 2018
...where people actually keep their voices down in a public library. I can't remember the last time I was in a library where people even attempted to keep their voices down- hell, I consider myself fortunate when there isn't at last one disgusting jagoff using a freaking cell phone when I go to the library.
...where adults actually sit and read and kids actually do what appears to be research (they've got notebooks and paper) at the library. What is this, the 1980s? I mean, I really hope I'm wrong and this is still a very common sight- but when I go to the library there are always more people wasting time on the computers than actually reading. And doing research? At the library? That's still a thing?
....where it makes perfect sense for a credit card spokeschoad to enthusiastically whisper praises of a that credit card to a random elderly librarian stock character. Why is Ms Garner doing this? Why is the librarian the perfect candidate for the Capital One Credit Card, and why is now the time to be pitching that card?
....where in response to "imagine the miles," the librarian apparently does so and instantly breaks out into a "Wow That's a Lot of Miles" scream? We can see the librarian's screen- she didn't go to Capital One and check out how many miles she could get. She just started "imagining" the miles she could get and apparently got floored by her own math? What the hell was that all about?
I really don't know what is going on here. I'm missing something. What is it? A lobotomy?
Monday, October 8, 2018
In a sane world, the punchline of this ad is "stop relying on these stupid 'personal assistant robots,' stop acting like you are totally helpless unless you've got some electronic device in your house that responds to your commands, get your act together and your ass off your couch and stop being a ridiculous pathetic jagoff when it comes to managing your own life."
Because we no longer live in a sane world, it's just about picking the RIGHT command-obeying robot to do your thinking for you and to allow you to be a lazy toddler for your entire life.
I'm not buying in. Not EVER. My mother adopted to the internet and cellphones, even though they didn't come around until she was in her early-60s, but that doesn't mean I have to accept that an electronic personal assistant is now a neccessary appliance just because I'm considerably younger than that. I don't play video games, I don't watch movies on my phone, and I don't need to bleat commands at a robot sitting on my shelf.
Sunday, October 7, 2018
"When my future husband plucked me from the harsh realities of Real Adult Life shortly after I graduated from High School because he wanted to upgrade from his Inconveniently The Same Age original wife, I was totally on board with the idea that I'd be expected to add to his already-extant family."
"I fulfilled my side of the bargain by producing several children for the old guy who saved me from the Scary Real World and who gave me a new last name and a MRS degree."
"But now I'm done. I've got the contract right here, and it clearly says that I've done my duty and I've had as many kids as required in exchange for that nice house and financial security."
"That's why there's Nexplanon. Because he's still going to want to have sex with me for a few more years- until I, like his first wife, start to get a bit stale and no longer have that young-girl glow that he obviously can't live without. Then I'll get dumped with a financial settlement, just like Wife No. 1. I totally get that. So I'm not going to put my body through any more torture than absolutely necessary. An hour a day on the Pelaton bike is enough, believe me!"
"Now if you'll excuse me, I've left Hubby in the same room alone with the babysitter for several minutes now, and that's never a good idea."
Saturday, October 6, 2018
Here's one of those truly repulsive, ugly little knobs of an ad that you can't quite believe managed to make it past the quality control board and on to your screen.
One person in this car of amazingly diverse group of women has allergies- so she hi-LARIOUSLY sneezes the whipped cream on her not-coffee all over the windshield- because that's what happens when you're holding something that it topped with whipped cream when you sneeze. You kind of automatically jam your nose up against the whipped cream so it can spray everywhere. And then it WILL spray everywhere Because Television.
Her "friends" think that this disgusting moment is epic funny. They also think that every sneeze must be a symptom of an actual medical condition because they instantly hand their "friend" a bottle of Zyrtec. Because you can't just sneeze. You must have a bad cold, or allergies, or something. Something that can be fixed with powerful drugs.
Anyway, these "friends" won't be "friends" much longer, because apparently they are going to remind the sneezer of That Time She Sneezed Foam All Over The Windshield instead of oh, I don't know, moving her face slightly or covering her mouth or doing any number of Normal things a person would do other than sneeze right into a cup topped with whipped cream. This woman will be finding another carpool filled with actual human beings and maybe ordering drinks that aren't topped with Magic Flying Foam. Or at least learning some of those manners she should have picked up before she moved out of her Mom's house for chrissakes.
(BTW, no surprise that the Comment Section is blocked for this ad. Some commercials are too gross and dumb even for the LOL I LOVE THIS AD squad that haunts YouTube.)
Thursday, October 4, 2018
Never Mind "Movie Jail." Smuggle that 3000-calorie pile of Taco Bell crud you are "in love with" into the theater, stinking it up for everyone else, and I hope someone rips that hoodie off and shoves it down your selfish taco hole while the rest of the patrons beat you to death with your own sense of entitlement.
Tuesday, October 2, 2018
"Are you filming this?"
The guy sounds like he doesn't want his family to be filming him. That's his choice, I guess, but don't ask me to understand it. You are trying something really cool while on vacation- why wouldn't you want it filmed?
"Lookin' good, babe!"
We've established from the look on the guy's face that he would rather not be filmed. His family doesn't give a damn, probably because while HIS idea of a good time while on vacation is to try cool new things and be active, THEIR idea of a good time is to sit on their asses on the beach with their electronic device hoping that dad makes a fool of himself so they can share it with the world. Nice family, huh?
The "punchline" is supposed to be that the guy doesn't do whatever the hell he's trying to do perfectly the first time, and LOL it's so funny to see Dad Look StupidTM Let's Share. As far as I'm concerned, the actual punchline is that a family went on vacation and only one of them even attempted to have fun and had an original experience because the others were too busy sitting around with f--ing electronics which work just as well back in the suburbs and didn't need to be brought to an exotic resort on dad's hard-earned money. I'm rooting for another punchline- while Mom and Kids are in the hotel room watching different things on their personal electronic devices, Dad hooks up with the smoking-hot lifeguard at the hotel pool. How's that for water sports?