Sunday, March 18, 2018

Out of patience with Apple, the iPhone, and the world in general

Somehow the idiots in this commercial managed to "get serious" despite f--ng around with their phones and doing virtually nothing else.  They go from finding an apartment with those phones to taking selfies with themselves in their new apartment to finding a house that fits their stupid dogs and then making stupid faces into their damn phones again.  I guess we're supposed to be happy for them but seriously, why would anyone give a flying care?  It's another phone ad in which nobody makes a call or uses their $1000 phones for much of anything other than taking stupid pictures of their fool grinning extremely punchable faces.

And if the YouTube comments are any indication, the "message" of the ad- which I guess is supposed to be that $1000 for an iPhone isn't so very much 'cause look you can get one free when you buy one- is totally lost on the audience, which is too busy doing it's usual obsessive "what is that song" bit.  One winner asks about the song two weeks after it's title has been revealed, demonstrating that YouTube commenters are far better at asking questions than they are at reading answers.

Oh, this may be a mixed-race couple, which I guess iPhone thinks is super progressive or daring or something.  Hey Apple, want to impress Progressives?  Pay the people who actually put together your pricey electronic drugs for zombies a living wage.  Until then, f--k off.

Saturday, March 17, 2018

So much stupid in this Samsung Ad

1.  Why is this woman spending a dinner party looking at her stupid phone instead of actually interacting with her fellow human beings?  Is this just something that always happens at dinner parties these days?

2.  How did this woman get the guy's phone number so she could send him the message?  If they already know eachother, why are they sitting alone at the beginning? 

3.  This guy is sitting literally ten feet away.  Why doesn't she walk over there and sit down next to him, or ask him to join her with, you know, her lips and her actual freaking voice? 

4.  Can you tell I'm getting really ticked off around now?

5.  Why does this "communicate entirely through technology" thing continue after the party, even as they seem to be forming"relationship?" 

6.  Is it safe to assume that this couple has their first actual conversation somewhere around their fifth anniversary? 

And finally....

7.  What the F--- is the matter with you YouTube commenters?  Are you all mentally ill, or what?  You LIKE this?  What is your problem?

Friday, March 16, 2018

Allstate's Stupid Sexism

This one's short and to the point- just another commercial which passes muster in 2018 because it's the guy being chopped down and body shamed by the woman.  Reverse the genders in this ad and you've got digital pitchforks going after Allstate with a vengeance, and rightly so.

There's nothing wrong with this guy physically- he isn't fat, so we can assume that his wife's little dig doesn't come from a place that cares about his health.  No, this is all about sticking a knife in him for absolutely no reason- and the "punchline" leaves him suitably shamed and shrunken, standing at a refrigerator which I assume he'll now close without taking out any food because his wife* decided she could not simply exit the room but had to leave him with some more emotional scar tissue.  He might not use that gym membership, but at least won't be eating any of the food he paid for which is stored in the refrigerator he paid for which is in the house he paid for.  I wish this commercial had ended with him taking the rest of the leftover pizza and a beer out of the fridge and heading down to his man cave to spend a few hours with the tv. 

Like this ad?  Again, just reverse the genders.  This is pointless, nasty crap.  Thanks, Allstate

*who is skinny and pale and not at all healthy looking, but it's the husband who has the problem because she got the great insurance and he wasted money on a gym membership he doesn't use.  Hey, here's an idea, lady- how about joining the gym so it's something you and hubby can do together that doesn't involve grinding him down with your digs?  Just a thought.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Free Peter Popoff (Limited time offer, Shipping and Handling extra!)

Peter Popoff used to make a living by appearing before huge audiences of Bible-thumping yokels and claiming to receive "messages" from "god" that gave him "secret" information about certain individuals in that audience.  He'd walk up to one slack-jawed semi-literate hick after another and totally wow them with "knowledge" about their darkest fears, hidden pains, and cherished dreams.  Then he'd get them to open their wallets to support his "ministry," claiming that if they gave with open and generous hearts (and empty brains- that was the easy part) the money would be returned to them a hundredfold because "god" wanted them to be rich, they just had to believe it would happen strongly enough.

In 1986, Peter Popoff was exposed as the sleazy huckster fraud he is and always has been- it turned out that he was planting his own employees in the crowd to start conversations with the sheep and pick up information Popoff could use in his act.  Popoff's wife would then feed her husband this information via a hidden earpiece worn by Popoff, making it look (to the desperate and desperately stupid, at least) as if the Good Reverand was reading minds- or being told by god what to say about the person standing in front of him.  Popoff's assets were seized- or at least they would have been if god didn't tell Popoff (through his attorney) to declare bankruptcy and fall off the radar for a while.

Well, guess what?  Within a few years Popoff made a comeback by using the magic of late-night infomercials to pitch "miracle water"- little bags of water which, when sprinkled around and/or consumed in the right way, will bring someone money.  That someone is not the person doing the sprinkling or drinking, of course- their job is to send back the empty bag along with a donation.  The only person actually receiving money is Peter Popoff.  As god intended, no doubt.

Nowadays most of Popoff's ads run on Black Entertainment Television, and most of the people we see crying that they ordered the water and prayed for money and got it Gawd Be Praised are black.  Popoff's figured out where the Desperate Stupid Undereducated Christian money is these days.  And who is least likely to check out what The Evil Google (or believe it because it's just The Devil Talking anyway) says about Peter Popoff before ordering their bag of water.

I'm just going to say two things about Peter Popoff and his current hustle.  First, what's with the "extra large" bag of water bit?  How does he sell that?  Does extra water mean extra money falling from the sky courtesy of god?  Why not just go with the Additional Bag of Water Free Just Pay Extra Shipping and Handling bit?  Could he be any more cynical?

Second- and this is going to sound strange- I don't want the government to go after Peter Popoff.  I want law enforcement to leave him alone to buy tv ads and sell bags of water to the suckers.  Because I don't want a dime of my tax money going to the hopeless cause of saving people from themselves.  If anyone wants to take money they don't have and send it to this carnival barker, that's their business.  Society slapped him down in the 1980s, at considerable cost in time and money to the Justice System.  The story is all over the internet.  It's out there, for everyone to see.  All you have to do is check for yourself.  If you fail to do that before you sell your Miracle Coin collection and 9/11 Commemorative plates so you can buy bags of water through the mail, well, fooled you twice, shame on you.  Tell your story to  I'm not interested anymore.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Principal presents maybe the darkest commercial we'll see this year

Dad didn't tell Mom that he had purchased life insurance, so when he passed, she freaked out and spent weeks wondering how she was going to keep herself and her son in their house, pay for his college education, etc. etc.

Son didn't tell Mom that he saw her stress and responded by sneaking out of the house to find and engage in employment of some kind (he got paid by check, so I guess drug dealing is out and Principal Insurance decided that their ad was dark enough.)  Enough time has passed since Dad died for Son to get a job and get his first paycheck- which means enough time has passed for Mom and Son to have a heart-to-heart about the future.  But that's not how this family rolls, clearly.

The "happy ending" comes when Mom gets a check from Principal Insurance, a check which is clearly her first hint that Dad took steps to take care of his family before he died.  Gee, good thing she didn't just toss that unexpected check in the garbage, huh?

This is so screwed up.  All of this could have been avoided if Dad had acted as if he actually loved and cared for his wife and kid while he was still breathing.  What kind of asshat buys life insurance and then keeps it a secret from the beneficiary?  Was Dad afraid that his wife would bump him off if she knew of the financial windfall coming down the road?

And "the rebel" in this commercial- I guess his "rebellion" came in the form of not comforting his mother in any way but instead causing her more stress by sneaking out into the dark streets every night.  I know he's supposed to be the noble one here, but again- COMMUNICATION, PEOPLE!

Saturday, March 10, 2018

A Test of Endurance, YouTube Whining, and Verbal Contracts

I'm sorry, but I just gotta share this guy's sob story about Endurance Car Warranties, which I'm quite certain are a scam.  I've gotta share it because I'm also quite sure that this is a case of two scammers going up against eachother, and I found it too funny not to include in this blog.

You know right off the bat that this is going to be fun when this idiot tells us he came to a verbal agreement on a warranty for his 17-year old car with engine problems over the phone (he'll later repeatedly use the phrase "take my word for it" and "I'm an honest person" and "they promised me.")  This is followed by two throwaway lines about getting a five-page email "which I didn't bother to read because it's five pages and I already talked to him on the phone" and a five-page contract on PDF "which I didn't bother to read because why should I was talking to him on the phone."  These written agreements are never mentioned again throughout this idiot's whinefest, never mind that he later threatens a lawsuit and you'd think that his best evidence would be that contract.

He tells us that his car's engine broke down but it was after the "1,000 mile grace period" so the fact that it had a pre-existing conditions didn't matter because, you guessed it, "that's what they told me over the phone."  If you reach this guy's age and you haven't figured out that 1.  Verbal contracts are worth the paper they aren't written on and 2. "His word against mine" isn't especially helpful when you are the one seeking the money and you've got a written contract you haven't bothered to look at.

The last two minutes of this nonsense is this idiot ramping up the anger- the cursing starts to fly as he seems much more interested in letting us know how angry he is than in proving that he's in the right.  He talks about the price he was quoted (again, no paperwork to back this up) and how he's going to have to pay for his engine out of pocket because Endurance says it "technically" isn't required to pay (AGAIN, what does your contract say, moron?)  In other words, the video devolves into a total pity party and I'm actually surprised it doesn't link to a GoFundMe account.

He wraps up by telling us what we already know- Endurance (and I'll just add, all extended insurance warranties) is a ripoff and you're far better off just saving money for the inevitable car repairs you'll have to pay for if you have to drive around in an ancient car.  But I'd like to add a postscript:

You can't be ripped off if you have a written contract that you are willing to read.  If you are satisfied with a verbal contract, you're just asking to be cheated and you have no business whining about it afterwards.  I have no idea how the conversation between this fool and Endurance went, nor do I care, because there's a written contract that is never addressed throughout this rant.  So congratulations, idiot, you vented your stupidity and laziness to the world and gave me something to use on my blog.  And provided a life lesson to people smart enough to learn it.  I hope someday you are one of them.

Friday, March 9, 2018

Sprint, Hulu, and the further destruction of society

After watching this ad several times and failing to pick up what this pathetic stupid woman was saying, I finally just read the damn caption and learned that she was bleating about having 2018's version of a social disease- FOMO, or "Fear of Missing Out."  I guess it involves being afraid that everyone is watching a certain program- or, more likely, every fricking program- on Hulu and because you don't watch television 24/7 you might not be able to join the gabfest about some crap show you really ought to be watching on your phone except you are SUCH a loser you don't have Sprint.

The "cure" for FOMO is to get Sprint which now comes with Unlimited Supplies of everyone's favorite Addiction of the Moment, Hulu.  So now instead of reading or taking a walk or (giggle, snort) having an actual conversation with someone which might result in human bonding but will NOT allow you to keep up with your fellow Hulu zombies, you can just keep your eyes glued to your phone and endlessly stream crap into your atrophied brain.  It's time you'll never get back and it won't do a thing to make your life even one iota more productive or valuable, but it will help you fit in the next time your fellow walking dead co-workers start yapping about how if you can just get to Episode 9 you'll see that The Handmaid's Tale isn't the most stupefyingly boring and slow-moving thing ever intentionally produced by Man, it's actually entertaining and interesting, really you just have to stick with it.

And you'll no longer "suffer" from FOMO.  Because you'll never "miss out" on anything on Hulu ever again.  The rest of life?  Oh yes, you're going to miss out on a LOT of that.  But who cares, 'cause Television?

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Not sure how Wayfair is any different from Amazon, but that's ok because I don't care, either.

I guess the idea behind this incredibly stupid nub of an ad is that it's super-easy to buy stuff using Wayfair if you don't care how much things cost and you just want it right now.  And it's also super-fun to get stuff really fast, because look how all these jackasses are dancing around their new furniture.

Oh, but if you're a guy and you get "caught" dancing by your wife, you can fix that problem really quick with flowers.  Because buying a furniture set and dancing about it is Affair-Level bad, I guess. This makes sense to someone.

Even if this commercial didn't have a caption, I'd suspect that the whole point is to do the whole "Drop the Mic," because I guess that's a thing now.  Even when there are no mic's in the ad and people are instead dropping (and in one case throwing) expensive smartphones. WTF-ever, Wayfair.

And to repeat a common theme - please don't read the comments below.  These people are just really pathetic unless they are getting paid to post this drivel.  And then they are still really pathetic, but they're at least getting paid for being pathetic.

Sunday, March 4, 2018 buys itself some love

It's almost unbelievable, but these two shmucks manage to be even more cloying and cringe-worthy than that Karlie Kloss idiot we usually see peddling

But that's not anywhere near the worst part- never mind the ad, it's just two jackasses who seem to be famous among internet-obsessed weirdos, some of whom practically lost control of their bowels when they saw their heros on a commercial.  Instead of watching this 66 seconds of absolutely nothing of value (it's not the extended version, be thankful for small favors) be prepared to get VERY depressed and scroll down to read the comments. 

I'm going to be super-charitable here and just assume that 99 percent of the posts in the comment section are the  fake, nickle-per-reply stutterings of unemployed college kids looking to make a few extra dollars pretending to be madly in love with the product of the company paying them.  I mean, some of these posts are really over the top- "I adore these two," "Awesome product Wix!" "LOL these guys are just too funny," "I almost died when I saw them on my tv," "what is that song" (I didn't even hear a song) etc. etc. etc.  I don't think I could go on if I believed these posts were from real people expressing real- um- "thoughts." 

I'm guessing that looked at the comment section from the Karlie Kloss ad and said "we can't let this happen when we make our next ad featuring two insufferable dweebs with nothing to say, so we'd better just buy us a bunch of likes."  They can't Pull A Chevy by just putting gushing idiots into the ad itself, so they have to pay the soulless to sell out in the comment section.  That's the only explanation I can think of that doesn't leave me really, really sad.

Saturday, March 3, 2018

American Residential Warranty- for all your non-Rent A Center Appliances!

A few years ago I wrote a blog post concerning American Home Shield, the largest of these "home warranty" grifter companies which specialize in scaring people living on the margins into purchasing garbage insurance for their appliances using money they don't have.  At the time I posted a link to's extensive library of complaints about AHS, which consistently focus on the same issues- refusal to pay for repairs that seem to be covered by the contracts, insistence by the insurer on using certain contractors who are never available to do the work, etc. 

Well, it seems that American Home Shield doesn't have a monopoly on the Prey on the Vulnerable by selling Empty Promises industry, because here comes American Residential Warranty offering the same thing- for "as little as a dollar a day," you "can" protect your wallet when all your major appliances need very, very expensive repairs.  We hear the usual key phrases- along with "as little as," we get the magic "plan options include" and while there's "no obligation," they can't help but remind us that our kitchens are about to explode and then we'll really be screwed, just sayin'."

These carnival barkers sound so very sincere, don't they? Well, before you decide to throw your money away on what are basically extended warranties wrapped in a shiny package called "insurance," check out some of these posts:

Wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if this isn't just American Home Shield with a fresh coat of paint hiding the corruption underneath. 

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

AT&T's Unlimited Asshattery

Remember headphones?  Those were those things you used to wear on your head and connect to your Walkman so you could enjoy your favorite music without bothering anyone else.  Quaint thought, huh?

Eventually they gave way to ear buds, which were more comfortable but really only did half the job- the wearer could hear his music, but people nearby could hear tinny music sounds-- pretty annoying, but remember, ear buds were more comfortable and that's all that really counts.

Here's proof that comfort is all that really counts- we don't use headphones OR ear buds anymore, anywhere, ever.  It's much more functional and enjoyable to just crank up the volume and listen through the device's speakers.  No more worrying about ear sweat or buds popping out or wires getting tangled.  Just watch and listen as if you're in your own living room and you are the only person who exists because when it comes to you and your immediate desires, you pretty much are.  That guy five seats over who just wants to read his book or think?  He's perfectly free to continue to do so- if the noise coming out of your phone bothers him, well, he can move, can't he?  And those other people in the restaurant (like the ones sitting near this particular douchenozzle?)  Well, if they don't want to hear HIS device, they are perfectly free to turn up the volume on their own, right?

What?  They were trying to have a conversation?  Well, that's pretty lame.  And not your problem.  You've got Unlimited Data, which means you have Unlimited Opportunities to show the world that you're an insufferably self-absorbed sociopath.  And you blend in really well with everyone else, because you're much more the norm than those weird people who still wear headphones or ear buds. 

Why did we ever even invent headphones, anyway?  I just don't get it. 

Sunday, February 25, 2018

It's come to this. Thanks, iPhoneX!

Twenty years into the Cellphone Generation, these things have gone from phones you can take everywhere to postal services you can take everywhere to televisions you can take everywhere to professional photographer photo labs you can take everywhere.

And now, in 2018, a $1000 phone is pitched as the perfect device to use to....take a photo of yourself.  And then lovingly edit it so you look a lot better than you actually do.  And then...share it with the planet?  Or just store it on your phone, so it can be your very bestest friend and the one thing you really, really need to have pictures of?

I don't think we can get past this level of self-absorption, do you?  Oh, maybe- if you bleat "I am the Greatest" as you adjust the lighting of that Amazing Photo of Amazing You so it's Just Right Because It Doesn't Look Like You Anymore.  That manages to add a bit more narcissism to this stupid impulse purchase.  And why are you the greatest because you need to take a photo of yourself, having lost all of your friends due to your obsession with that stupid Can You Believe It Was Once Used as a Phone electronic device?  Oh, right- because you say so, and after all, what else is on the planet besides you and pictures of you?

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Chevy's Real People, Not Actors Ad writers inconvenience 2 million people for a 30 second commercial

Of all of the stupid settings for these ubiquitious Chevy "Really Stupid, Sad, Buttkissing People Not Actors" Commercials, this one has to be the most unpleasant as well as the one which demonstrates that every single one of these Not Actors were perfectly aware long before the cameras were turned on that they were going to be in an advertisement in which they'd be required to gape and gasp and drool over ugly More Of The Same cars.

I mean, think about it- they are sitting around a table perched on a concrete overpass, literally 20 feet from a traffic jam probably created by Chevrolet's desire to make an obvious and really idiotic point about "reliability."  Even if it's the one day of the summer in which Los Angeles isn't sticky-hot, it sure can't be that much fun to try to talk to eachother over roaring engines and car horns and shouts of "hey you assholes all the rubbernecking you're encouraging is causing a backup and keeping me from getting to my destination you entitled thoughtless douchenozzles," not to mention all that lovely carbon monoxide they're breathing in.  All for about twenty seconds of film which involves everyone's favorite spokeschoad who doesn't pitch Verizon whipping out that trophy for the 450th time to the delight of the dribbling idiots who just want to bleat their one line - be it "I want a Chevy now!" or "that's super awesome impressive Chevy rocks!" or whatever- so they can pile back into that van and be returned to the parking lot and be dropped off next to their own cars, where they'll be quickly reminded that there's no guarantee that their one line won't be snipped before the final product hits the air.

BTW, those "If Chevy Commercials were real life" bits are pretty funny, but I was more than a little annoyed that I had to sift through about a hundred of them before I could find a link to the ACTUAL commercial.  I've got things to do, YouTube!  Get your search engine tuned!

Friday, February 23, 2018

Hulu: Bringing families together, but only physically

Instead of this guy frantically switching back to the cartoon show in the hopes of making his son finally fall asleep so he can put him away and get back to sports, maybe he could have an actual dad moment by teaching that kid about the sports daddy likes and why they are fun to watch (and actually do- my great nephew is already getting into hockey and he's only two and a half?)

Naw- just let Hulu hypnotize your kid into a deep, deep sleep, carry him to the bed, and then get back to the couch to watch your sports all by yourself, "dad."  Much better that way.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

How Black Entertainment Television "celebrates" Black History Month

So I'm back on the treadmill and Black Entertainment Television is replaying this excellent film, 2013's Twelve Years A Slave, based on the 1853 memoir by Solomon Northup, a free black man kidnapped and sold into slavery some twenty years before the outbreak of the Civil War.  Northup's narrative is a powerful indictment of the moral depravity of the slave-master relationship as well as being an uplifting tale of stoic determination in the face of despair.

And during commercial breaks, BET shows us advertisements for....this.  A game show based on a board game in which black people test each other's "blackness" by asking trivia questions that I guess only people who are "really" black are able to answer correctly.

A few years ago, BET "celebrated" Labor Day Weekend by running the entire original Roots series- and airing the most obnoxiously racist Stepin Fetchit crap ads during every commercial break (and if you've ever watched BET, you know that there were a LOT of commercials breaks.)  When I snarked on that atrocity I think I used the term "one step forward, two steps back."  It fits here, too.

Hey, kids- sit yourselves in front of the tv and enrich yourselves by learning about the life of Solomon Northup, as told by Northup himself.  During the commercial breaks, PLEASE mute the tv, or better yet, mute the tv and leave the room for 4 minutes or so to get a sandwich or use the rest room or- hey, here's an idea!- go to Amazon and order a copy of Twelve Years a Slave.  It's a great read, and Northup's race isn't degraded and belittled and insulted in between chapters.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Courtney's looking for a Facebook Friend who will buy her dinner every other weekend

Courtney can't find a boyfriend in the traditional way because she's a flight attendant and is always traveling.  She likes "nice guys" and can usually be found on the beach- which beach she doesn't say, because as she said she's always traveling.  My guess is that if you want to be Courtney's boyfriend and actually spend time with Courtney you need to be nice and to follow her around the world so you can be at the same beach she's at between flights.

Seriously, does any of this make any sense?  Courtney doesn't meet a lot of those nice guys she likes because she's always traveling.  She doesn't say she's retired from the airline, so it sounds like what she really wants is someone willing to drop everything and spend a few hours with her from time to time while she's between flights, and is then willing to be satisfied with texts and skype chats and maybe the ocassional pic of Courtney having fun on the beach without you.

I think Nice Guys can do better, Courtney.  Get back on when you're actually available for a relationship.  You're kind of cute but you need to look at things a bit more realistically.  Right now, any "boyfriend" you think you've met on is spending an awful lot of time with other girls while you're gone posing by jet engines and having fun on the beach.  Doesn't seem worth the membership fee from where I'm standing.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

RedFin- Property for People Much, Much Better than You

The young couple in this ad visit one impossibly enormous suburban castle after another but find each lacking in some way (maybe the bowling alley in the basement isn't quite up to their standards, or there's only two man caves, or the peacocks strutting around in the back yard just arent' quite right somehow.)  Sure they look big enough to house several families each but surely, through the magic of Redfin, they can do better, right?

I know I'm sure pulling for them.

And in the end, the female side of this pampered pair of entitled, spoiled-rotten asshats is totally sold when she walks into a kitchen twice the size of my apartment.  She doesn't need to see any other rooms in the house, thanks anyway RedFin Agent, this is where she's going to be spending all her time anyway!  All she needs now is a good pair of roller skates and a GPS to help her navigate her way from the stove to the sink to the fridge.

I hate everyone so much right now.

Friday, February 16, 2018

More preying on the elderly, courtesy of the Funeral Insurance Industry

"If you are 85 years of age or younger..." considering the channel I saw this on, the following pitch is directed to approximately 40% of the viewing audience.

It's a Senior Life Plan from the Senior Life Insurance Company, a company which I'm guessing sells insurance to Seniors.  I'm not sure of this, I'm just taking a stab in the dark based on the fact that the word "Seniors" is mentioned just under three hundred times in this stupid ad.

Specifically, it's another one of those ubiquitous ads for Funeral Insurance.  The "average funeral," you see, costs OVER $7500.   But the MOST government benefits pay is $255, which isn't even enough to cover the caterer for the wake for chrissakes!  I wonder if that "OVER $7500" number will be inflated before the ad is over, since I've seen commercials using the much scarier phrase "$30,000 OR MORE!"

"Leaving your loved ones to pay your debt..." first, what a sleazy way to reel in potential customers- "if you don't buy funeral insurance, it may mean No College For Your Grandkids or Someone Gets Evicted, even if none of that stuff happens Do You Really Want To Be Remembered As a Burden?"  Second, there's no "debt" unless someone goes through with the ridiculously overpriced Party Featuring You In a Box.  And if you don't leave money to cover it, why would anyone pay for an elaborate going away party for someone who has already gone away?

This Senior Life Plan for Seniors will pay up to $30,000 (I KNEW that phrase would show up!) for funeral expenses and "any other end of life expenses."  And we all know what "Up To" is worth, don't we?  It means they might come close to paying that amount if you buy none of the policies they're about to list as Available at an Unbelievably Low Price.

And like all of these ugly Expensive Insurance for the Easily Manipulated Elderly commercials, this one reminds the viewers to "ask about our Free Prescription Discount Card."  I don't know what part of that scam is all about, except that I'm 99 percent positive that it's either just another bit of bait on the hook that provides nothing of value not already provided by AARP or Medicare or it's a way of sticking a "small" extra fee to the cost of the "insurance."  I guess they ran out of those credit card-sized magnifying glasses and Magic Ear hearing aids?

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Oh you have got to be kidding me, Chase!

The entitled little twat in this ad learned that a tree she and her then-boyfriend vandalized with a jacknife sixty years ago was about to be finished off and, having money to burn and not being aware of any charities or scholarship opportunities that might benefit from any of it, decided to blow the stack by purchasing the vandalized tree and having it shipped to her back yard.  Where she and her equally loathsome* significant other could look at it for a few more years.  I guess.

"My first thought was, 'I have to go get it!'"  Huh.  I'd have gone with "really?  That tree survived the gouging me and my thoughtless jackass lover gave it sixty years ago?  That's one hardy tree."

Anyway, she gets on the phone with her Chase Special Services For Disgustingly Stupid With Money Because They Can Be white people rep and tells him she needs god knows how much cash to buy the tree she tried to kill so long ago.  Other people might have to let the past be the past.  But she isn't Other People.  She's an almost unbelievably stupid, self-absorbed douchenozzle who is all about being "impulsive" as long as being "impulsive" means "doing something for Me."

I know this was supposed to be sweet and cloying and heartwarming and all that crap, Chase.  Happy F--ing Valentine's Day and thanks for putting a cherry on mine with this putrid steaming pile of excrement.  Just perfect.

*Unless he responds with a disgusted "you did WHAT?  You blew part of our retirement fund to transplant an f--ng TREE?  That's it, I'm filing papers to have your name taken off the accounts before you decide we need to buy the old Hershey Chocolate factory because we went there once, you bizarre loon."

I see my Home Chef every time I check out the mirror

These ads are like commercials for Home Makeover shows- the product is marketed exclusively toward Double Income households where neither adult wants to invest the energy into actually making dinner or the money into hiring help or going out to eat every single night.  In other words, for 99 percent of the people watching ads for "Home Chef," this is a world completely alien to anything we experience.

I sure as hell don't want to spend even five seconds watching Rebecca squeal with delight at how easy it is to unpack a huge cardboard box of food and paint-by-numbers recipes designed to make life just a little bit easier for people whose lives are pretty damned close to perfect already (except for all that prepping oh noes what a hassle maybe we should reconsider the hiring help plan.)  This is at least as bad as all those ads for Panera ("Real food for Real People with Big Bank Accounts.  You know, the only people who matter.")

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Jared Jewelers meets Lowered Expectations and I guess we're supposed to find it charming.

This thing is, after all, three and a half minutes long.  Which means it's strictly for the Jared website and YouTube.  Well, MAYBE it shows up on one of those lame All Reruns All The Time channels you didn't even know your cable company provided because they are up there in the 500s, past HBO and Showtime.  Those channels have no problem with three and a half minute commercials.

Anyway, the whole time I watched this ad with it's weird imaging and music and camera angles and documentary-style narration, I kept waiting it to become a dark story of betrayal, secret families, money and murder.  Surely, I thought, the sweet balding old man would eventually bludgeon the sweet, lonely middle-aged woman and dump her body two miles off-shore after cleaning out her bank account.  I mean, there was no WAY this was actually going to be nothing but 210 seconds of a Jared Jewelry ad, right?

Man, was I wrong.  This thing actually ends with these people smiling and hugging and happy with eachother and the guy's choice of a ring.  He's not a serial killer or swindler or anything.  He's just an old guy who proposed to this woman and she said yes.  Even after watching the whole damn thing I can't tell you why it took three and a half minutes, but it did and because I watched, you don't have to.  You're welcome.

(By the way, if you want to know why this story is "one of a kind," you will have to watch it yourself.  Because I watched this once and found nothing special or unique about this "one of a kind" story.  If you see something special, feel free to let me know.  I'm done looking.)

Saturday, February 10, 2018

This World of Warships thing keeps happening on my Internet

"What?  You haven't played World of Warships yet?  Why the hell not?"

That's how it opens, seriously.  I guess we're all done trying to sell games to kids.  Everyone who plays games nowadays is a thirtysomething male desperately trying to delay adulthood for a few more years.  Got it.

Check out the virtually infinite number of things you can do in this game.  You can sink the Yomoto.  You can "avenge the Titanic," which means blast an iceberg, which strikes me as really stupid but which I guess it's supposed to be funny but sure as hell doesn't make me want to play the game because once you've taken out the iceberg, what then? 

Oh right.  You can sink the Yomoto again.  The fact that this option is mentioned twice in a thirty-second ad which is supposed to be about the almost infinite things you can do in this game makes me suspicious about how vast the World of Warships universe actually is.  What makes me even more suspicious is the line "you can go to the beach...." Uh huh.  That sounds fun.  Take a warship to the beach.  And then do what? Blow up the beach?  Hey, is the Yomoto back yet?

Whatever, people.  I'll never understand the attraction of any of this.  I'm going to play round of Frogger before getting back to cleaning and recovering from my dentist appointment.  Later.

Friday, February 9, 2018

Oh yeah, and this commercial is for Esurance. Somehow.

Dad is a bumbling doofus who acts as if he never, ever spends any time with his son and had no intention of ever having a conversation with him except dammit the car has broken down and he's trapped with this kid.

Kid is incredibly uncomfortable being with his "father," who is only making things worse by doing what only cliche'd awkward loser dads on tv do- take accidental moments of forced intimacy to try to check that "have the sex talk with the boy" box on his Parent Bingo Card.  He clearly would rather be ANYWHERE ELSE but with his dad right now.  And I can only guess that there's no WiFi service wherever it is they broke down, otherwise none of this would be happening- both of these idiots would be on their phones, pretending the other does not exist.

Dad is "saved" from having "the talk" by the appearance of the tow truck.  Oh thank goodness, they were only seconds away from maybe having a meaningful conversation (though I doubt it.  Dad's an inappropriate ass with lousy timing, Kid has or is going to learn about puberty the way all boys do- through experience, and through their friends, NOT from their dads.)

Kid has let dad know that he doesn't want to have this conversation with Dad, EVER.  Dad would be wise not to share this almost-moment with Mom; she'd be totally justified in calling him a clueless moron for making such a half-assed attempt to be meaningful in any way to the kid he helped make.  Go back to being silent and stupid, Dad.  Kid and his friends have got this.  Mom doesn't expect you to rise above your mediocrity.  Just get the car fixed, drop the kid off, and get back to the office where you will be surrounded by people you can relate to.  Moron.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

I hate so much about this Domino's ad

So this guy isn't at all concerned that his car has suffered severe damage- as long as his crap mass-produced box of bland bread and sugary tomato sauce is intact?  Ok, whatever.  The guy is a moron.  I get it.

Here's what I don't understand- how did this idiot get back to Pizza Hut to exchange his "ruined" (it was ruined before he left the "restaurant," but again, whatever) pizza?  Did he call an Uber and pay ten bucks to exchange a pizza which cost the same amount?  He certainly looks dumb enough.

Pizza Insurance?  For Domino's?  Really?  Heck, I think dropping this junk into the snow could only improve it.  Meanwhile, shouldn't this idiot be calling about that other insurance policy- the one that covers his car?

Sunday, February 4, 2018

I suppose that in a previous scene, Amazon Echo reminded this guy he was getting married today

Think about it- this guy is seconds away from getting married, and he's already assuming that a year from now he'll totally forget the date of his wedding so he better let Amazon know so "she" can remind him.  Wow, what a great catch.

Prediction:  A year from now, Amazon will remind him that it's been six months since his wife threw him out of the house because he was incapable of finding his ass with both hands, a flashlight, and Amazon Echo.  Because seriously- if you walk into your wedding figuring you won't remember the date A YEAR FROM NOW, you aren't taking it very seriously and it just isn't that big a deal to you. Cripes, I've been divorced for more than twenty years and I STILL remember my anniversary date.

One more piece of evidence that this guy is a totally clueless jackass- he's telling Amazon Echo to remind him that today is his anniversary "one year from now."  Hey, buddy- if you do forget your anniversary as you expect you will, being reminded of it ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY is not going to help at all.  Even if you ARE miraculously still married, it will be WAY too late to do anything that doesn't stink of last-minute Yes Honey I Actually Forgot our FIRST Anniversary asshattery.  Loser.

Saturday, February 3, 2018

I'll be generous and call Audible a very small step in the right direction

Ok, so the thing that successful people have in common is that they read, except that none of the successful (I mean, look at these houses!  Check out those home gyms!  And they are busy, too!) people we see in this ad are actually reading.

It's because they are busy- you see, they may have become successful by reading, but now they don't have time to read (too busy being successful) but to stay successful they have to keep reading, so they listen instead.  Listening is just as good as reading- that's the mindset that weaned kids away from books to radio in the 1940s.  And Watching is as good as Listening, which convinced the offspring of those radio-listeners that Television was the New Radio.  So watching tv and reading a book are basically the same thing.

No, wait- according to Audible, reading and  listening are the same thing.  In fact, listening in at least some (all?) cases is superior to reading- when you're working out in your suburban palace or driving around, for example (though I must say, as a pedestrian, I would really rather not have people conjuring up images of what they are listening to while operating that heavy machinery through cross-walks and intersections.  I suppose this is marginally better than having them staring at their phones or dashboards, however.)

I don't want to be too hard on Audible- I do think that Listening is superior to Watching.  At least your brain is getting some exercise, and I totally agree that this is a benefit to joggers and gym rats who for obvious reasons can't read while also working out.  I might try this myself someday.  But right now I have to start reading the Kindle edition of Ron Chernow's biography Hamilton, which I purchased seconds before starting to write this post.  I didn't buy the additional audible option, because I think that with very rare exceptions like the ones I listed, Reading is the new Reading, and it's really not replaceable.

Friday, February 2, 2018

Quickbooks Self-Employed App: My own personal Groundhog Day

Yes, I'm totally aware that Quickbooks follows me everywhere.  I'm reminded every time I try to watch any video on YouTube and get smacked across the face with a version of this stupid ad.

Hey, Quickbooks?  I'm still not self-employed.  So please, PLEASE stop.  I've already developed a callous on my thumb from hitting the Skip Ad button so I don't have to suffer through yet another chirpy "here's how you can keep track of your receipts," "here's how you can keep track of your miles," "here's how you can keep track of your deductions," etc. etc. "helpful" blather which does not apply to me at all but is just annoying as hell.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Another Panera Better Food for Better People Commercial

We at Panera would like to remind you that you aren't one of the unwashed masses who must grub a meal at McDonald's or Burger King or one of those other Non-Panera fast food places where teachers and bus drivers and truckers and the rest of their ilk must settle for (giggle) microwaved eggs from the (snigger) Dollar Menu.

Please remember that you are sooooo much better than those "people."  You DESERVE freshly made eggs contributed by free range chickens  lovingly placed* on brioche rolls with Grade A cheese and topped with ham donated by pigs who have spent their entire lives in air-conditioned, silk-lined stalls.   These sandwiches will set you back $6 but the whole point is that you don't care about the price- you're all about quality and reminding yourself that you're better than those weird dirty people who buy their food at those Common chain places because they have to.  

You don't have to.  So don't. 

*by people who aren't wearing plastic gloves.  Ick. 

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Blue Apron Lives in the Land of Presumption

"Every night in America, people make something for dinner."  Well, Blue Apron puts the "every" in the right place, at least.  They don't say "everyone makes something for dinner."  That would be much worse, because it would ignore the fact that every night in America, millions of Americans make absolutely nothing for dinner.

Some of those people eat at McDonald's or pick up something they can quickly warm up at home (I don't think that qualifies as "making" dinner.)  The enormous prepackaged meals section at my local Giant grocery store is testimony to the fact that a whole lot of people don't "make" dinner, because they don't have time or money or skills.

Many more people don't make anything for dinner because their financial situation requires that they cut back a meal, and dinner is the most easily disposable of the three.  I just hope that it's the only meal they have to cut back on, and that this situation is only temporary, because the other two are really, really important, and "eating" should not be considered an optional activity in the richest nation on Earth (or anywhere else.)

But these ads aren't aimed at people who can't afford dinner or the time to make it.  Like most ads that don't include golden arches or nightmare-inducing royalty or freakishly thin redheads singing the praises of an all-fast food lifestyle, these are directed at Upper Middle Class White People with money burning a hole in their pocket and who think that crumbling marriages and/or distant children might be made more durable by reintroducing Family Dinner Time.  Or are just suckers for any "service" that gives them an opportunity to remind themselves that they've got extra money without actually buying that new Lexus or making yet ANOTHER trip to Whole Foods.

As far as Blue Apron is concerned, those are the People in the line "every night in America, people make something for dinner."  Not those other humans lacking in skills or resources or time.  Who cares about them? They don't even live in nice, TV-quality houses with massive kitchens featuring enormous islands and all the latest appliances.  And they sure aren't as Pretty as the people who might as well use Blue Apron Because They Can.

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Glasses USA keeps trying to convince us that glasses are awesome. Tough sell.

The first woman in this ad really likes her friend's glasses- they kind of remind her that she ought to be wearing her own, which by the way cost hundreds of dollars, but she can't find them, which I guess is a design flaw of some kind.

She doesn't know what to do because even though she paid hundreds of dollars for her glasses, she can't find them, what kind of ripoff is that???  Her friend's response is not to help find the missing glasses, but to whip out her laptop so she can show her where she can get replacement glasses for much less than several hundred dollars. 

(In fact, she can get glasses "starting at $48."  You can bet that the $48 pairs don't include the "cute" glasses her friend is wearing, but if she's going to be careless with her glasses anyway, she's better off going for the cheapies, right?)

"Do people know about this?"  No, they don't.  This is a super-secret bit of information only available to non-people, like your friend with the cute glasses and now, you.  Dogs and certain breeds of rabbit are also aware of  But not people. 

So please spend the next several hours obsessing over the Try The Glasses On With the Virtual Mirror tool thingee before ordering your own pair of cute, nowhere-near-as-misplacable glasses, Stupid Non-Person.  And then be like everyone else in these ads- absolutely thrilled out of their freaking minds to be wearing uncomfortable pieces of plastic and glass which are virtually non-functional during snow and rain and despite "scratchproofing" currently in it's fifth decade continue to attract stratches if you look at them wrong.  Me, I'll stick with contact lenses.  They aren't cute, but they do help me avoid walking in front of cars.  That's good enough.

Friday, January 26, 2018

Paul, McDonald's, and coworkers who want Paul dead

I hope you guys don't actually have to go through nearly four minutes of another ad featuring some jackass wandering around his office showing us the highlights of something or another for some reason or another ("I've got a lot of books here, and I've learned a lot from's my's my kitchen but I don't really eat there that much Manhattan has a lot of great restaurants..." seriously) like I did- but even if you don't, there's no reason to watch what is a series of really stupid "My office is full of kleptomaniacs who keep steeling my lunch so that's why you keep seeing me every afternoon ordering from McDonald's I have a legit excuse seriously" ads.  Just read the helpful description some McDonalds Monkey posted along with the commercial.  It explains everything that happens in it.  Because that's what you do when you post super-complicated commercials like this, I guess.

So this stupid fat jackass responds to his lunch being stolen by going to the only place in town where an alternative lunch is available- McDonald's.  In this ad, he gets McDiabetes Meal #3 featuring fried chicken parts and a triple cheeseburger.  In another he gets two McChicken sandwiches and a Sprite.  I think there's another where he just asks the cashier to shoot him because he's sick of being referred to as the Gassy Pig in Cubicle 5. 

And then he goes back to the office to consume his 2000 empty calories, thanking whoever stole his lunch because he had an excuse to gorge himself (and fall into a carb coma an hour later, no doubt.)  I can't help but wonder if the guy who keeps stealing the yogurt and fruit salad Stupid Paul puts in the office fridge has a life insurance policy on Stupid Paul.  One that pays a double indemnity if Paul's heart explodes during working hours.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

More Sexist Garbage from McDonald's.

Look everybody, it's Episode 17,897 in televison advertising's longest-running show, "Stupid, Helpless Dad Doesn't Know What To Do With Children Because After All that's Wimmin's Work."  Hil-ARIOUS!!

See, Doofus Dad inexplicably finds himself actually taking care of a group of children, presumably including several who share his DNA, because Mommy inexplicably is away for the evening.  Why on Earth is Mommy away?  And on a Sleepover night?  Wait, did I just answer my own question?

Anyway, Dad sure as hell isn't going to maybe kill himself and everyone in that house by attempting to prepare a meal.  It's easy to imagine that somewhere between taking out the bowls and opening the box of Cheerios he'd set fire to the kitchen.  Stupid Dad!

Instead, Dad goes off to McDonald's to blow $20 or so on Happy Meals (totally worth it) and feels the need to let the cashier know he has no idea how he's going to survive the night attempting to be a parent, which is being "totally over his head" because after all, he's a guy and what do guys know about taking care of kids?

He carries the food back to the kids and gets Mommy on the phone to clarify- oh, he's expected to take care of these kids all night?  He didn't know that.  He and Mommy don't do a lot of talking.  Or, Mommy is sick of Daddy suddenly absenting himself every time there's a sleepover.  Chalk up another win for Mommy!

I'm sure everyone finds this hokey, insulting nonsense totally funny and charming.  Nothing like reinforcing retrograde ideas about gender roles, right McDonald's?  Meanwhile, I'm sure the other parents have no idea that Dad was left in charge of these doomed kids.  Frankly I wonder if they'll survive the trip back to the car.

Monday, January 22, 2018

The NFL Network smears lipstick all over a gigantic, boring pig called the Pro Bowl. Again.

It's almost depressing to see how desperately the NFL Network is trying to convince us that anyone actually wants to see the Pro Bowl and doesn't just end up watching by accident because they turned on their tv one Sunday night out of habit and/or because they forgot that there was two weeks between the title games and the Superbowl.

We all know that none of the Pros in the Pro Bowl are the best in the game- those guys are all resting up between practices for the Superbowl and aren't risking injury playing a stupid exhibition for people who simply must have their fix of football on Sunday, even if it IS really bad, pointless, boring football with absolutely zero on the line. Oh, but keep showing us all this posing and pomping and strutting being carried out by the NFL players whose teams got eliminated weeks ago and who probably wish they didn't have to risk their bodies and contracts playing in this stupid waste of three hours that, again, nobody really wants to watch.

Sorry, NFL Network, that you're stuck showing this garbage which would get blown out in the ratings by a replay of any Superbowl ever televised.  Hell, you could probably just do three hours of Superbowl Yakking and get more viewers than this pile of pointless dumb.  But just because you made the stupid decision to buy the rights to the only thing dumber than the NBA Allstar Game doesn't mean that you get to spend 20 minutes of every hour running commercials for it trying to convince us that watching paint dry ISN'T a better option for this Sunday.  So I'm hitting the mute button and walking away every time you hit us over the head with this dumpster fire of boring.  And next Sunday night?  I don't know what I'll be watching.  But I sure know what I WON'T be watching.  Wanna guess?

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Insurance Reminds Us Why We Are Here

"Hey dad, what's life insurance?"

"Oh, it's something dads buy."

"Not moms?"

"Some moms.  Not your mom.  Your mom used to have a job outside the home so Daddy didn't have to work fifty hours a week in a stuffy office to make enough money to pay all the bills, but then you came around and she took some time off, and even though she said she'd be going back to work as soon as you were old enough for a day care here it is five years later and she's still totally dependent on me and my income.  So even though Mommy bought everything in this house, it was with my money.  I'm just here to make sure the money keeps coming in, until I finally keel over from exhaustion someday."

" what is life insurance?"

"Well, you see, son, you and mommy live off my back like deer tics.  If something were to happen to me, you wouldn't have any money because God Forbid Mommy kept her toe in the employment pool instead of letting her skills atrophy until she wasn't an attractive candidate for any job other than Mommy.  So the idea is, I work even LONGER hours so I can make MORE money and buy this policy that says that when I finally do lose the last of my will to live because my whole life is work work work so she doesn't have to, you and your Mommy can keep living as if I'm still around, except with a slightly lower food bill, until Mommy can find another guy to take care of her like she's a helpless princess for the rest of HIS life."

"Do we have insurance?"

"Yes, we do.  I just kind of said so, didn't I?'

"It's good we have insurance."

"Of course it is.  It won't ever mean a thing to me, because if you ever see any of that money it means I'm dead, but it will keep you and your Mommy in style, and that's the important thing."


"Mommy has raised you well, son."

Saturday, January 20, 2018

The right time of year for more Optima Tax Relief snark

Here we go again.....

Eric was "overwhelmed" because he made money and didn't pay taxes and accumulated assets with the extra money he had because he didn't pay taxes.  "Suddenly" he found himself owing the IRS* $15,000 in unpaid taxes and no matter how hard he "tried," he just couldn't figure out how to pay it back- you know, without selling the stuff he bought with the money he was supposed to pay in taxes, because that was totally out of the question, of course.

So poor Eric did the only thing he could do short of calling the IRS and arranging a payment plan to take care of his 100 percent legitimate debt which he chose to create- he called Optima Tax Relief and paid THEM to negotiate a settlement, because Eric is pretty damn stupid with money, disinterested in paying his fair share for the maintenence of the society he benefits from, and basically a selfish asshat.

"It was easy as 1....2....3...." good thing, because I don't think Eric would have been able to deal with this if Optima had made it any more difficult.  Besides being stupid and selfish, Eric doesn't strike me as particularly bright. 

*notice how the people in these ads always tell us that they "owe the IRS."  They never, EVER say that they "owe the people of the United States," which is much more accurate but far less likely to draw a sympathetic reaction from the audience.  I suspect the commercials wouldn't be quite as successful if the people in them said "Unlike most of you watching, I didn't pay my fair share in taxes for years.  Instead, I used that money to buy stuff- stuff that you didn't buy because you didn't have the money, because you thought you had to pay taxes."

Friday, January 19, 2018

23andme and weird confirmation bias

So this young woman decided that because she had a grandmother who had Parkinson's disease, she should get this genetic test done to see.....if she might get it to?  Ok, let's definitely get back to that at the end of this post.

She spends a lot of time these days thinking about what her life might be like in forty years when she's a senior citizen, which I bet makes her a real hit with her friends who wonder why she can't enjoy her youth and insists on living in the year 2058 and worrying in advance about things she really can't do anything about and which might not even be problems by the time she gets there (maybe Parkinson's is cured by then.  Maybe she gets run over by a bus next week because she was daydreaming about what her health might be like when she's seventy.  We really don't know, do we?)

Anyway, the tests come back and it turns out that she's low risk for Parkinson's, but may be high risk for Alzheimer's (at least I think that's what she's saying here.)  She's not sad about it, she's not happy about it, she's just kind of know what to obsess about for the next several decades, assuming she doesn't get run over by that bus.  I guess.

The way I figure it, this woman's quest to uncover the future before it happens results in nothing of any value.  Ok, so she's more likely to get Alzheimer's instead of Parkinson's.  So what is she going to do with that information?  Spend her family's money on New Age Homeopathic "medications?"  Bore her friends to death with contant blather about how she's "not sad" that she has a slightly better chance of contracting Alzheimer's and is going to "deal with this" in a brave manner Please Don't Pity Me Let Me Tell You Again About My Test Results Wait Where Are You Going?

This commercial seems to be a very good advertisement for saving your money and admitting that you really can't buy peace of mind unless that means purchasing life insurance or savings bonds.  You aren't going to get good news from a 23andme report- the best you can hope for is news that there's not a lot of history of cancer or other life-shortening diseases in your family.  It can't tell you YOU won't get cancer or another disease, any more than it can tell you you aren't going to get run over by that bus.  All it can do is take money out of your wallet and reward you with a little trivia about your family.  Maybe that's valuable to someone.  It's way too important to this stupid woman, who has decided that DNA is Destiny.  Armed with that philosophy, she's going to march through whatever time she has left with this stoic, self-important, self-absorbed look on her face, pretending to stare down a threat which may or may not be lurking around the corner.  What a waste of time.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

"Watson" contributes to technological unemployment, and we don't care

I guess the aviation mechanics in this ad are portrayed as being about as motivated to work as your average road crew so that we feel better about Watson pushing them out of their jobs?  Because right now it looks as though the only drawback to these guys all getting canned is that there won't be anyone around to drink coffee anymore.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Hey, Verizon? Move on now. Just move on. We're all done with this.

Maybe it was easy for the crowd to guess that the network this douchenozzle is talking about is Verizon because he has the most recognizable, most punchable face on television?  And maybe instead of taking this as evidence that everyone is familiar with Verizon's stellar record for service, Verizon might figure out that this bit has been done to death and we all want to see this guy given his walking papers already?

Maybe the next time Verizon attempts to set up in a park or waterfront or wherever so this guy can bleat ten seconds of what is apparently supposed to be improv gushing, the crowd can just boo and tell him to get lost because It's Over and We Hate Your Face and Your Schtick Has Gone to Seed?


Saturday, January 13, 2018

Dannon Yogurt Ads: the bane of daytime television....

I spend every January visiting the Vermont farmhouse I grew up in, usually parked in front of the tv grading a mountain of midterm exams while my mom watches Soap Operas and Lifetime Movies For White Women.  It's the one week a year that I get a lot of exposure to the world of Daytime Television, which means it's the one week a year I get a lot of exposure to the world of Daytime Television Commercials.  And I'm reminded that there's more on sale than cars, drugs, cell phones and beer.

For instance, they sell a lot of toilet paper during the day.  And "feminine protection" products.  And fabric softener and air fresheners.  And diapers. 

And yogurt.  Lots and lots of yogurt.  Which means lots and lots of women like this one, who finds herself utterly enthralled at the idea of eating "cheesecake" and "chocolate pudding" and "key lime pie" without worrying that her husband is going to dump her for the babysitter because she's starting to look her age, because now she can "indulge" in all those "bad foods" in yogurt form.  So while hubby is off doing whatever he does to provide for the family mansion and Lexus payments, TrophyStepfordWife wanders about the grocery store looking at the stuff she COULD be eating if she wasn't in constant fear of losing that girlish figure and going right to the stuff she CAN eat which kind of sort of maybe tastes a little like the stuff she WANTS to eat. 

After she frantically grabs an armful of Keep Me Thin Keep Husband Happy Keep Me In That Home I Sold Myself For yogurt, she'll stop by the pharmacy area to pick up her monthly supply of VitaLift, Revlon Anti-Aging Serum, etc. etc. before heading home for an hour on the Pelaton bike.  Then it's time to pick up the kids and get dinner ready.  Husband and kids like to eat.  This woman? She's what yogurt was invented for. 

Friday, January 12, 2018

This happened on my tv, courtesy of Lexus

I don't know what any of this bs is all about, and I really don't care, either.  On the most superficial level, it's a muscular young black guy dancing around in a box with a red Lexus.  With the help of CGI magic he does gravity-defying stunts in an apparent celebration of German engineering.  This goes on for about a minute, and then we cut to the standard "look how fast this car can go on wet streets" bit.

And then we have the YouTube paid-by-the-comment making-a-little-money-on-the-side soul-be-damned monkeys typing about how much they adore the ad and the car they'll never come close to owning and letting us know where we can download the awesome music, etc. etc. etc.  It's all very obvious and phony and stupid and sad, but hey, who am I to diss another man's hustle.  Times are tough, right?

Anyway, enjoy this Lexus ad, if you can.  If you find it difficult, keep in mind that at least it doesn't feature some rich jackass being given the car by his equally rich spouse in front of their also-rich children standing in the driveway of their massively opulent Suburban McMansion.  We won't  be seeing ads like that again for another ten months or so.  So at least there's that.

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Harness your Humans!

Winning the Competition for Customers is all about Managing your Resources for Optimum Output.  The Global Race for Dominance requires using every Assett to it's Greatest Potential and being at the Vanguard of Change.  The Company which Succeeds at Evolving to meet the Challenges of the Economics of Tomorrow will win the Great Contest through Effective Application of Innovation in Technology.

Oh, and this will involve Humans too.  We must not forget the human factor.  At least for a few more years, Humans are going to be integral.  And even afterwards, they are still going to be the main buyers of our product, whatever that is.

("A human resource professional is the voice of those people..." somebody actually approved that line.  You can't make this up.)

What exactly is the message here?  "Go out and develop some people.  People make great worker drones.  Plus there are so many of them, and more are being made every day.  Go out and get yours, you won't be sorry.  They work like crazy, and for no money down, and they are so amazingly replaceable too!"

So for now....use your humans!  Keep them working and smiling (but above all working.)  Help them form Team Networks which are never, ever off the clock (remind them that the sun is always shining somewhere on the planet- and that the company is, after all, global.)  Give them the electronics they need to communicate and work work work 24/7 to keep feeding the great machine which is the Only Thing That Matters.  Maybe show them some clips of people jumping off piers for some reason.  Use some inspiring music in the background, I don't know.

Bottom Line:  Humans are really important to Success.  They do the work, after all, and they spend the money.  For now.  We are working every day to limit the impact Humans have on market forces, we promise.  But until that golden age comes and we can eliminate the Human from the equation, here's some hypnotic, inspiring bilge about how much we really love the whole Human element, seriously.  Now, get back to work while we finish eliminating your jobs!

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Because you can't spell iPhone X without "I"

(Or "look everybody, two braying jackasses.  You can tell them apart by the fact one of them has a mouth that takes up half her face, and the other one has a horn!")

I used to be able to snark on cell phone ads for casually promoting self-absorption, but there doesn't seem to be any purpose to using that angle any longer, does there?  Nowadays every phone ad features people using their phones to act like little idiots determined to show the planet what levels of pointless, frivolous, time-wasting nonsense they can reach using their pretty new toys.

I can't even remember the last time I saw a cell phone commercial which featured two people TALKING.  Does this even happen anymore?  Instead we've got lonely, isolated cocoon people playing games, watching movies, and - this is the really big trend- lovingly taking pictures of THEMSELVES that they can edit JUST SO to create the perfect level of lighting before they store that photo and take another one.  Or maybe they actually send that photo out to people- "hey, remember me, we used to get together and hang out before I became a socially retarded hermit and fell in love with doing stupid things by myself with my phone."

Oh but please, good people, go out and spend a thousand bucks on this thing so you can take portrait-quality selfies and then pose them with singing emojis.  It will so enrich your life and the lives of people who used to be around you.  But could you do me a favor?  Stop bitching about the cost of college or stagnant salaries.  You've got money to throw away on this stupid crap?  I don't want to hear it.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Not a lot of "Growing Up" going on in this Samsung Ad

So for the last nine years this sullen doofus's entire life has been defined by his regular progression from Perfectly Good Phone to Even Better Phone.  In between he walks around with a permanent sneer stitched to his face which is softened once a year when he opens a box and gets his Slightly Different Update.  Then it's back to being the guy with the most punchable face in commercials- except that he's got some competition from the guy waiting on line at the Apple store, who looks like he's on the verge of starting a rumble with the Samsung devotee.  Do these guys take their phones too seriously, or what?

I guess the message here is that this guy once "fell for the hype" that went along with the introduction of every new Apple phone.  He used to be one of those losers standing in line to trade in perfectly good but Oh So Yesterday phones for the New Shiny Thing from Apple so they would show well for their friends and besides, what's money for anyway?  But now he's Matured because he updates his Samsung equipment at the same frentic pace?  So it's all about not standing in line?

And at the ad's conclusion our Hero gets yet another new phone, which he uses to write Looky What I Can Do With What I Just Got to any friends he may have left.  Congratulations, you morose little douchenozzle.  You're satisfied with your electronics and will remain that way possibly for several months.  What a great way to go through life.

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Oh, and we aren't putting together IBMs for a dollar an hour in Southeast Asia. There's that, too.

Here's what it says in the video description: "Commutes. Meetings. Microwave lunches. You deal with it all not just for a paycheck, but because you actually like what you do. "

And the actual dialogue of this disgustingly whiny First World Problems ad doesn't get any better:

"Another day of work. Another round of all this" ("all this" being a broken rolling suitcase and someone eavesdropping on your screen on the crowded bus- hey buddy, this isn't your living room. Doing something private? Do it somewhere private.)

"Why do you do it? Why do you put up with it?" Um, because Capitalism? Because for 99 percent of us "putting up" with work is the only way we can make the money needed to participate in the economy by buying food and clothing, paying rent or mortgage, and all those other things kind of necessary so we don't die? That's why pretty much all of us "put up with it" ("it" being the little annoyances that are always portrayed as crippling hassles in commercials aimed at us First Worlders.)

"It's not just a paycheck. You actually like what you do." Sure, I do. Some of us do. A lot of us don't. But that's completely beside the point, because whether we like what we do or not, we still have to do if we want to function and survive in our Capitalist society. So I'll congratulate myself for actually liking my job, and anyone else who also likes their job. But that's just a bonus. We may work AND like what we do, but we have work. Almost all of us. So spare me the attempt at Prager U-level Yay Work hypnotic suggestion, please.

The rest of us this proto-Fascist 71 seconds of crud is all about how IBM is doing stuff to make us more innovative and above all more productive in our work, which I guess is supposed to involve sitting around with a crowd of scruffy millenials looking at screens and then staring at clothes in storefront windows (creating new fashions wasn't possible before IBM did something? Huh?) And in the end, we are eternally grateful for the job we go to whether we love or not because It's Better than Starving and here's some inspiring Italian opera music that doesn't deserve to be used to pitch International Business Machines to convince me that despite living in an era and society which would seem like paradise to pretty much anyone living anywhere else at any other time in human history Life Is Kind of a Pain Except What an Awesome Job I Have. WTF-ever, IBM.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

The REAL outrage in this "interracial" Taco Bell $5 Cravings Box Ad

It's not that it features a white girl with a black boyfriend.  The sad little morons with their brains and other body parts buried firmly in the past have a hard time dealing with that, but seriously, it's 2018.  Who gives a damn that white people date black people?  As long as her grandfather doesn't want to implant his personality into that guy through complicated brain surgery, nobody should have an issue with this.

It's not even that this slim young woman is eating her boyfriend's food.  I am going to be a bit sexist here, so go ahead and flame me if you want- when I was in my late-teens and early-twenties, I could easily wolf down this stuff, burp, and go for ice cream.  No problem.  I had a Buy One Get One Free coupon at Wendy's once when I was in college and sat down at a booth and ate two "Big Classics," two orders of french fries, and two sodas in one sitting.  Because I was a 19-year old male.  My wife had a very healthy appetite but she was also very athletic; I knew where those calories were going.  I just can't see this little thing packing away all that greasy food.

And it's not that her boyfriend just left a box of food sitting on the table while he went off to do...something.  Is that stuff even warm?  Did he microwave it after bringing it back from Taco Bell?  Why isn't it steaming?  So it's cold?  The only thing I want to eat less than Taco Bell is cold Taco Bell.

And it's not that two people who look like they are barely in their twenties seem to be living in an enormous, well-furnished house - what the hell is it with the people in TV land, they seem to think these places are handed out like voter registration cards at the DMV.  What, are these two kids investment brokers just out of High School?

No, I'm going to focus on something else entirely.  Some years back, Taco Bell was purchased by Kentucky Fried Chicken.  Or KFC was purchased by Taco Bell.  Or they formed some kind of partnership to share building space.  Whatever, I've posted before about the Magic Overflowing KFC bucket that appears in every Greasy Chicken for Whole Family ad.  Well, at the beginning of this commercial, we see the young woman opening the $5 Cravings Box like she expects to find a pearl necklace inside.  Then we see what's in the box from her point of view and DON'T EVEN TRY TO TELL ME THAT FOOD FIT IN THAT BOX WITH THE LID CLOSED.  Don't EVEN go there.

Hey, I just noticed that this ad features a white girl in a relationship with a black guy.  How progressive.  I bet some people have a real problem with that.  Because there are still a lot of losers out there.  If they weren't so blinded by their stupid retrograde attitudes, they might have noticed that TACO BELL IS LYING ABOUT THE SIZE OF IT'S FOOD.  Which is infinitely more important.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Your "own legacy"= finding reasons to abandon the family to be with your loved one. Right, INFINITI?

The couple in this ad live in an unbelievably opulent suburban mansion with their perfect little children and as near as I can tell are getting ready to host a dinner party for themselves and their equally perfect little friends.

Except, Hubby keeps "forgetting" to pick up stuff at the Ridiculously Overpriced But Who Cares Fresh and Imported Food Store - he forgets the sweet potatoes, then he forgets the shrimp, and it's oh so funny because in the hours leading up to the party he simply can't bear to be with TrophyWife and TrophyKids.  Or he simply can't bear to be away from the new car.  Either way, this isn't at all funny or relatable.

And the "punchline"- that it's finally TrophyWife's turn to abandon the house and family and go off for a drive - I'd say thank goodness gas prices are back down below $2.50 a gallon but who are we kidding, this family doesn't notice fuel prices and for sure doesn't give a damn about it's carbon footprint- and she does so with a very satisfied, "this makes living with that douche worth it" look on her face.  I'm sure the Wine, Brie, Shrimp, Sweet Potatoes and Organic Pasta place will be glad to see her and her credit card.