Thursday, August 30, 2018

"Washington DC Metro" and "Hacks:" the jokes write themselves

What I don't need to know:  "This is a Series 7000 train."  I don't know why you think that matters to me.  I don't care.  And if, for some reason, I needed to know this, it was covered at the last stop.  I don't know why you feel the need to tell me at every. freaking. stop.

I don't even know what a Series 7000 train is or why it's different from whatever series another train is.  Seriously, is there going to be a quiz?  Why do you keep telling me this?

What I do need to know:  Why the six elevators at Forest Glen station are always on the same floor at the same time.  So when I'm on the Metro level all six are apparently on the exit level.  So I'm standing there waiting for an elevator and when one comes, they all do.  Who thinks this makes sense?

And speaking of the elevators, why are the doors timed to stop closing the MOMENT the last person gets off and BEFORE anyone can get on?  I've figured out that if I am more than ten feet from an elevator that is discharging passengers there is zero reason to walk faster to catch that elevator before the doors close, because sorry, not going to make it.  I MUST wait for the next elevator which will come, eventually, along with all the others, at the same time.  Bizarre.

What I don't need to know:  "The Escalator at Dunn Loring is out of order."  I don't need to know this while I'm waiting for the train at Takoma.  It's not even the same freaking line.  Why does Metro insist on letting everyone on every train platform know every little thing that's going on anywhere in the system?

What I don't need to know:  That the train is delayed.

What I do need to know:  When the next train is coming.

What I don't need to know:  That because certain Metro stations will be closed next week in the Rentless Drive to get Back2Good, I should "consider alternative travel arrangements."

What I do need to know:  How often buses will be running between the Metro stations.  Because like a lot of people who use Metro I don't have an "alternative."

What I don't need from Metro:  Enhanced WiFi and commercials for the Back2Good metro system playing on the (Series 7000?) metro cars.

What I do need from Metro:  For you jokers to get "Back2Good" (how about something approaching reliable service?) no less than five years behind schedule.  Is that too much to ask?

Sunday, August 26, 2018

NFL Sunday Ticket to Nowhere

Two kids in the suburbs are doing that retro suburban thing, selling lemonade.  They've got the adorable handmade sign and the pitcher of lemonade and they are ready to spend some quality time with eachother, outside, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

Nope.  That's not going to happen.  Because Mom, who was still in bed from an evening of heavy drinking after yet another disasterous hookup, has finally risen, showered, and noticed that it's 12:30* and the pregame show for the Raiders/Cowboys is seconds away from starting.

Mom's super-lonely and can't bear the thought of watching a game by herself while her kids are outside doing non-football stuff, so she runs out and sells their entire lemonade supply to their first customer, pouring it into some weird novelty plastic cup that came out of nowhere to provide the punchline for the commercial (seriously, what the heck is that?  It's even too big to be available at 7-11 for $1.49.)

And then we see Mom and the two kids having a great time cheering on either the Raiders or the Cowboys from the couch.  Yeah, this is MUCH better than being outside on a beautiful day- but still not as good as watching the game at Hooter's, where you can get a basket of buffalo wings and don't have to settle for popcorn.

*Assuming that these people are rooting for the local team, this suburb is in either the Oakland or Dallas metro areas.  Either way, 12:30 local time works for the pregame show of a game starting at 4:05 EST.  It could be a three or four PM local time start, too, but that would mean mom was so blasted from the night before that she didn't get up until mid-afternoon, and those kids have been outside all day without selling any lemonade.  I don't know, I can't figure out anything that's not on the Eastern Seaboard.

Good luck next Saturday night, Mom.

Saturday, August 25, 2018

More Future of Awesome with Xfinity

I get that this is supposed to be showing how effortless and seamless moving with your Xfinity connection can be, and that's the reason this "family" remains on the couch staring at their electronic addiction delivery systems throughout the entire ad. 

The problem I have with it is that all ads for Xfinity, other cable systems, cellphones, etc are exactly like this- everyone in the "family" is just engrossed in watching something on a flat screen while a narrator is waxing poetic about "connectivity" while ocassionally throwing in a line about bringing families closer, etc.  I don't get how anyone could equate people enjoying their personal electronic cocoons with doing things "together" and "staying connected."  There's really no reason why these people are sitting on the same couch or are even in the same room- since the whole point is that everyone gets to do whatever they want with those devices any time they want, why not just show them in different rooms, or even in different places outside the house?

Oh right, I keep forgetting- because Xfinity, etc. doesn't want to give anyone the notion that all this "connectivity" actually creates distance between "family" members.  Nope, check out how happy mom and dad and sister and brother are as they "share" "quality time" "together."  They are having fun "together," see?  This is really pro-family!  Really!  This is keeping them closer!  Honest!

I do wish this ad were five seconds longer, so we could see how much enthusiasm the kids had for the "house decorating shows" Dad asked his Best Friend to start streaming.  I think that might have brought an end to all this physical togetherness.  The next scene would likely feature Brother playing a video game in his room while Sister chatted with non-family acquaintances in hers, Mom watching a movie on her phone while Dad found himself alone with his Home Decoration Show.  All with big zombie smiles on their faces because Yay Xfinity and Yay Togetherness.

Friday, August 24, 2018

Steve Cutts hold up a mirror. Are we willing to look into it?

We need someone to spend whatever it takes to show this as a Superbowl Commercial.  People need to see this.

Of course, even if we could raise the money to air it, it would not get aired- because it would certainly outrage the sensibilities of the drug dealers (cell phone companies) who are perfectly free to spend hundreds of millions on ads encouraging us to feed our addiction to the Glowing Box In Our Hands- and to become more and more isolated from society, more and more lonely, and more and more dependent on those phones to feel "connected."

I'm doing my part by sharing it on this site.  Please, pass it on.

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

League of Legends in their Own Mind

So a couple of couch potato dweebs are playing a video game and are really turned on by the awesome virtual weapons they can pretend to branish as they pretend to conquer something while sitting on their asses in their mom's basement.

Including in their pathetic fantasy world is the ocassional appearance of a Female of the Human Species, who is there to drop some suggestive reference to a "slumber party" which is hot enough to convince males that this game is almost like actually going out and meeting people- including scary girls- while also being nowhere near as threatening and dangerous as actually....going out and meeting people, including scary girls.

The ad for this game ends with one of the males (I am not going to call them men) yelling "We're Gonna Win!" Well, yeah, it's a game, so someone's going to win-- the game.  Life?  Well, you aren't going to win at that until you're willing to put down the game controller, get off that couch, and go the f--k outside and interact with your fellow humans.  I suggest you take it slow, and start by bringing a phone with you to stare at.  Eye contact is not for beginners.  Baby steps.

Monday, August 20, 2018

T-Mobile Offer not Available in all areas, clearly

Tomorrow I'll be ending my summer vacation in Vermont and heading back to Maryland for Year 24 of my High School History teaching career.  As far as T-Mobile is concerned, that means I'll be ending my stay in No Man's Land and returning to Civilization.

My T-Mobile plan provides virtually no service here, and on the rare ocassions I can connect, T-Mobile counts it against my "roaming" allowance.  Yep, here in Vermont I am "roaming," as if I was in Europe or on Safari.  But most of the time, I'm just not connected at all.  When I try to use my contacts, I'm told they are "Not Registered with Network."  I can usually check my text messages, but I'm rarely allowed to reply.  For most of the summer I had a weak connection with my parents' WiFi but in the last few days I've received regular "Authentication Errors" and it doesn't matter how many times I type in the password, it's "Incorrect"- never mind that it's the same one I use to access the WiFi from my laptop.

Barre is the second-largest city in Vermont- but while I'm shopping for my parents I can't make or receive calls to find out if they need to add anything to the shopping list.  Once I noted that I had a missed call from home and had to ask to use the land line at the grocery store to call home (good luck finding a payphone in 2018.)

(By the way, feel free to check out T Mobile's Nationwide Coverage map online- according to it, my service should be every bit as good in Vermont as it is in Suburban Maryland.  Which means- the map is a joke. Pretty, but a joke.)

Tomorrow I'll be back in Maryland and my T-Mobile phone will work just fine, I'm sure.  But I can't help wondering why a company which advertises itself as the Best Way to Stay Connected to Family can't get it's act together in certain areas of the United States.  I'll be contacting them to ask why this is when I have some free time- and I'm in Maryland, and I can make a phone call that doesn't include a "Call May Drop" warning even when it DOES connect.

Sunday, August 19, 2018

What White People Do for Fun, According to LL Bean....

The only thing more pathetic than the people racing their canoes in this ad are the people cheering them on from the shore.  I mean, at least the people in the canoes are actually doing something- even if it is really stupid.  The people on the shore are--- just watching.  What the hell.

Wait, you know what?  There are people even MORE pathetic in this ad.  They are the ones on the shore upriver, who found themselves shouting and cheering as the boaters LEFT the campsite.  They don't even get to see the result of the race (which I can't imagine caring about anyway, but whatever.)

At least they are wearing life jackets, but still....this is pretty stupid.  And very, very white.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

Chevy's Real People, Not Actors series finally reaches the bottom of the barrel. I think.

In this ad, four chunky dumb-as-rocks jackass Chevy truck owners have been talked into parking side by side next to a warehouse with no windows in the hopes of being featured in a commercial if they gush hard enough over whatever bland piece of crap Chevrolet is trying to sell in this ad.

And it's a good thing that they parked absolutely perfectly- and got their cars thoroughly detailed and waxed before this totally spontaneous visit to the warehouse to have a conversation with a by-now very well known Chevy spokeschoad, because they have to show well when the door opens and it's revealed that the kind of truck they'd really want is exactly the kind of truck they currently have.  Nice wake-up call to any of these drooling morons who thought that maybe if they described a Chevy truck to the Eurotrash dicktard with the cameraman with enough enthusiasm they might get a new truck as payment and not just five seconds of screen time on a stupid commercial.

Nonplussed by the news that they already own the truck of their dreams and they won't be driving home with an upgrade today, the trained monkeys respond on cue in the usual manner, bleating "wow it's a dynasty" and "I'm so proud," like their ability to sign their names to contracts which locked them into years of payments was some kind of accomplishment that puts them into a special category of people breathing rarified air.  Holy cripes, people- "dynasty?' "Proud?"  Are you f--ing kidding me?

In the end, we have yet another group of Not Real People Just Soulless Zombie Sellouts eager to kiss Chevy butt on tv if it means they get to have a camera in their face for a moment, because 1.  That's enough to establish your own IMdB page and 2.  Shame is for losers.

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Buick's Enclave of Insufferably Conspicuous Consumption

So TrophyWife #1 stands next to her $50,000 Conspicious ConsumptionMobile in the driveway of her million-dollar McMansion and is greeted by a neighbor who immediately asks about the Big Shiny Thing With Wheels.

TrophyWife #2 wants to know about the car, so TrophyWife #1 explains what it is an how it can seat up to seven people- or poodles.  I'm not at all sure why TrophyWife #1 thinks that TrophyWife #2 wants to know the seating capacity in Dog Units just because TrophyWife #2 has a dog....if TrophyWife #2 had a parakeet on her shoulder instead, would TrophyWife #1 be telling her how many parakeets the Big Shiny LookAtMeMobile can hold?

(TrophyWife #1 certainly needs a car that seats seven- Hubby didn't buy a woman significantly younger than he is just for her looks.  She's got to stay fertile long enough to produce five offspring, that's been made clear by the purchase of a car with otherwise unnecessary seating space.  Oh but don't worry, TrophyWife #1, there's a Pelaton Bike on the way so you can keep that figure worthy of That Guy Who Bought You.)

Anyway, the whole neighborhood is taken by the new car, so much so that in no time at all Every Single House in the Gated Community of White People Police are Authorized to Act on Behalf of Owner's Association ("The Buick Enclave."  PLEASE bring on the guillotines!) owns one.  That's the fun of being a rich cretin in the magical suburbs of Television- if you want something, you just buy it.  Need it?  Well, of course you need it- your neighbor has one, after all.

So are all the other TrophyWives in this ad going to have five kids, too?  Or does their desire to emulate TrophyWife #1 stop at having a big shiny car with lots and lots of room for kids, poodles, parakeets or whatever?  Stay tuned- but don't let me know the answer, 'cause I'm not interested any more.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Boost Mobile's vision of the perfect "Family Road Trip"

This "family" was "four hours into their road trip" when they learned that their data plan was inadequate.  I wish I was making this up.  I'm not.

Turns out that "road trip" means "people related to eachother traveling in the same car" and not "families taking a fun vacation" like I'm pretty sure it meant when I was a kid.  Brother and Sister can't put their f--ng phones away for a few hours and talk to eachother and mom and dad- nope, they have to spend the trip eating away at the family data plan.  Their determination to ignore eachother and feed their electronic addiction is SO bad that only four hours in, they've hit their data limits.

Here's a good opportunity for Mom and Dad to tell the kids to put away their stupid-ass phones, cut that electronic umbilical cord, and get them to notice that there's Life Without Streaming.  Of course, that's not going to happen.  Nope.  Mom and Dad "solve" the "problem" by ducking into a Boost Mobile store and getting a new data plan.

Four hours into a road trip.  They are in a store, changing data plans and getting new phones.  Because that's how "problems" like this get "solved" in 2018.

It's pretty clear how the rest of this road trip is going to go, isn't it?  Brother and Sister will spend the rest of it on their phones.  Mom and Dad will congratulate themselves for rendering kids Silent (Dad is thrilled that the switch in data plans plus new phones is shutting his kids up) and - I guess- enjoy the trip with these life forms they passed DNA on to some time back.

This is the new normal, huh?  Holy crap people, how can anyone possibly find this attractive in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM?  Are you all freaking insane, or what?

Sunday, August 12, 2018

The Timeshare Exit Team- because for some people there's just no fixing stupid

Mike and Kelly were way too young and stupid to get married, and we learn this immediately when Kelly tells us they went on a honeymoon to Maui and decided they wanted to live there.

That's something children do- they visit some cool place and decide it's the bestest place in the word let's never leave.  Because they are children.  Adults are capable of understanding that places like Maui are for honeymoons and vacations and unless you want to tend bar or clean hotel rooms you can't really LIVE there.  Mike and Kelly let us know that they aren't adults, because...

Instead of just being satisfied with the whistful "we never want to leave" followed by the inevitable departure back to Reality, Mike and Kelly purchased a time share in Maui.  Because- did I explain this already?- Mike and Kelly are stupid children who don't just don't get the difference between vacations and real life.

As happens in approximately 100 percent of all timeshare purchases, regret sets in shortly after the ink dries.  Mike and Kelly are now expecting a child (these people always pass their stunted DNA on to the next generation.  Always) and realize Oh Yeah We Are Never Going To Actually Get To Use That Timeshare How Do We Get Out of This.  Never mind that there is no time in a person's life wher a timeshare "fits" in any way, shape or form.  They are never NOT a bad idea.

Anyway, these kids were stunned to find that getting rid of a timeshare is like trying to fob a cursed jewel off on the informed public- they have to stand in line behind several million other morons who can't believe how hard it is to convince someone else to take on the burden anyone with two brain cells to rub together won't go near.  People trying to dump timeshares must feel like the Last Really Stupid people standing on the very top of the Great Pyramid of Dumb- ok, I've got this white elephant, who do I get to hand it off too?

Fortunately there's no end of these Timeshare Liquidation companies which are willing to offer dumbasses like Mike and Kelly ten cents on the dollar to get them out from under their ridiculously childish impulse buy.  And Mike and Kelly will take it and be happy because they've got a Bundle of Joy on the way which will, unfortunately, have to get by with genes they can donate to it.  Poor kid.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Me v. Toyota Jan and some annonymous twerp

So for some reason, Toyota hired these salespeople to gawk at a bunch of cars Toyota Jan calls "the last of the 2018s."  Some annoymous twerp says "ah, what a sight" as if he's waxing poetic about the view from Mount Vesuvius or a flock of geese heading south for the winter and couldn't possibly be refering to a dozen Japanese Blandmobiles being delivered to the dealership.   I'd say these people were completely soulless but that's way too easy and way too obvious.

I say "for some reason" because the new Toyotas being delivered apparently emit pheromones which attract middle-class zombies like flies to a dirty diaper.  They aren't off the truck and priced before they've been surrounded by glassy-eyed mouth-breathers who just can't get enough of the pretty colors- and apparently aren't nearly as impressed by the cars already on the lot.  In another version of this ad, a customer actually kisses the car trailer driver and gushes "thank you!" for bringing them to the dealership- no kidding. So what the hell was the point of hiring salespeople?

What is the purpose of this ad?  Is it really intended to make me think that if I don't rush off to Toyota RIGHT NOW someone else is going to get the Toyota of my dreams?  That someone's going to knock me over to get the last Toyota like it's the last box of crackers on the shelf and the Cuban missile crisis in underway?

Is it to convince me that everyone who works for Toyota just worships the damn product they were hired to sell?  "Ah, what a sight"- really?  They are freaking cars, jackass.  If you are impressed by the sight of Toyotas, please don't drive it or any other car- you are way too easily distracted by things us Normals don't find all that amazing.

Friday, August 10, 2018

Kia piles all kinds of dumb into this ad

1.  The "kids selling stuff that only adults buy" trope:  It fails again.  That means it's 0 for roughly 1.3 million.  No, KIA, I am not impressed that these two kids are dressed nicely while they tell me how great this deal on a new KIA is.  That's because no matter how nice and white and educated they look, I know that kids their age know absoutely nothing about buying a car.  What they know is that it's shiny and has dual DVD players and WiFi and shows well for their friends.  That's IT.

2.  It's never too early to start the Smart Girl/Dumb Boy schtick, is it, KIA?  The boy in this ad is supposed to know about cars, but not about the Screen Actors' Guild or other labor law enforcement agencies which protect actors (and these kids ARE actors.)  See, it's FUNNY because Stupid Male thought he was doing this for tv facetime only- it's not that he's getting paid LESS than his sister- HE'S NOT GETTING PAID AT ALL LOL!!

(By the way, how did Sister find out Brother was getting less money- and if she had access to that information, how did she not know he wasn't getting paid at all?)

3.  Obstensibly, this is supposed to be a commercial for the KIA in the background.  Instead, it comes off as an audition tape for two kids who would really like to be on TV more often.  Either way, it doesn't work- I don't want to buy a KIA, and I don't want to see either of these kids ever again.  Nice job, KIA!

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Two quick comments concerning this Best Western ad

1.  The people in these ads seem to be in some pretty cool locations, yet they spend most of their time taking front of Best Western signs.

Look, I've stayed at Best Westerns.  Many times.  They aren't terrible hotels, but my stay was never the highlight of my trip.  It sure as hell never occurred to me to take a picture of myself by a Best Western sign, as if my friends might doubt my clain that I actually spent the night at one- "ok, I totally buy the idea that you were on vacation....but you say you stayed at a Best Western?  Sorry, I'm going to have to see some evidence."

2.  The lyrics to the "song" in this ad, as near as I can tell, go like this

This is the best day of my liiiiiiiiiiiiife 

My li li li li li li li li liiiiiife.........

And yet there's some nub on YouTube who wants to know what the song is.  Of course.

Monday, August 6, 2018

A Perfectly Revolting Corona Commercial

I wish I could tell you how glad I am that these perfect people gathered around a perfect house* in a perfect setting had the ingenuity to keep their evening perfect even the universe went off kilter and a candle went out (how on Earth did that happen to these perfect people?)

I can't tell you how pleased I am that one of these perfect people thought to turn on his phone and then put a bottle of beer on it to simulate a candle, attracting the appreciative smiles of his pretty, perfect friends.  Because it makes so much more sense to use that lithium battery than to, oh, I don't know, light a match or better yet just let it be slightly darker at your table .

I can't tell you any of that because I'm too busy wishing that a truck-sized meteorite would crash into that house and vaporize everything within 100 square meters.  Leaving a perfect crater, of course.

*which appears to be completely empty, yet has enough lights on to be seen from space.  Sucking the life out of the electrical grid.  Using a phone powered by a lithium battery instead of lighting a match.  These people are really working hard at being part of the problem, aren't they?

Sunday, August 5, 2018

iPhone X demonstrates that being "powerful' isn't what it used to be

In 2018, according to our Lords and Masters over at Apple, the way to "Unleash a more powerful you" (and simultaneously attempt to rationalize that stupid decision to ignore the student loan bills and just go ahead What The Hell You Only Live Once and drop a thousand bucks on a stupid phone) is to get the iPhone X (guaranteed to be at least 1.5 % better than the last iPhone released two weeks ago.)

The only way this commercial could possibly end on a high note would be if this creep zombie who seems convinced that he is becoming more "powerful" by wandering through life playing with his ridiculously expensive little toy instead of, oh, I don't know, actually accomplishing something worthwhile stepped in front of a bus and made a big steaming mess in the middle of the street.  That would provide work for a sanitation crew and food for crows and bacteria, finally making this little nub's existence meaningful, if only for a very brief moment. 

At his virtual funeral, his online "friends," who never met him in "real" life, can wax poetic about how "powerful" he was whenever they challenged him to play whatever pointless game this guy was spending the final moments of his "life" staring at just before the bus sent the walking sack of meat into the next world.  Good times.

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Pawn Shop Commercials are bittersweet comedy gold

I totally understand when "life throws you a curve" in the form of a major repair on a car with inadequate insurance, or a layoff/firing, or sudden medical expense.  Yes, Things Happen that people living in a country where wages have been stagnant for fifty years might not be able to handle without parting with stuff at the local pawn shop.  It's very sad but I'm not going to criticize people for using pawn shops- after all, they aren't QuickCash or Car Title or Money Store loansharks, and at least in this commercial they aren't being used for frivilous purchases like concert tickets or a vacation that, if they were honest with themselves, the people in the ads would admit they simply can't afford.

But I do have to say- if your examples of "life throwing you a curve" include needing to buy your son a new baseball glove or keeping your car filled with gasoline, you've got serious problems a pawn shop is not going to solve.  You don't have enough money, and you are going to run out of stuff to pawn to fill that gap between revenue and expenses sooner or later.

You need help to find your way out of your downward-spiral lifestyle, not a friendly place down the street willing to help you slowly empty your house as you pretend you are getting by.  Needing to buy gas is not an unexpected, unplanned-for expense you couldn't anticipate, for chrissakes.  What were you thinking when you bought that car?  "Sure I can't afford gasoline, but I can sell my belongings to pay for that.  I'm gold."

Good luck with your problems, People in this Ad.  Right now, you're going nowhere fast- unless it's the nearest pawnbroker with your kid's practically-new baseball glove because today you've got to buy milk and who could have seen THAT coming?