Sunday, September 22, 2019
This time we've got two weird dweebs who I assume live in a house belonging to one of their moms. I have to assume that because if this is their current apartment and they are worried about renter's insurance for a NEW apartment, I think I might just lose my will to live.
Anyway, one of the dweebs knows that Geico stands ready to ease their worry by "helping" with renter's insurance. The other- who has aquired a therapy pony (remember what I said about losing my will to live?) "didn't know that Geico helps with Renter's Insurance." What the Actual Hell is he talking about? Does he mean that he didn't know that Geico SELLS Renter's Insurance? Because selling policies is the extent to which Geico is willing to "help with Renter's Insurance." You know, like that grocery store up the street is willing to help me with my lack of food issues, and Seven-Eleven is there to help me deal with my severe caffeine addiction. So very helpful.
Every year, State Farm accepts and cashes a check from me to pay for renter's insurance. I'm so ungrateful for the help, not only do I never thank State Farm, but my agent sends ME a birthday card every year. I'm a disgustingly ungrateful human being.
I wonder- if one of these Napoleon Dynamite wannabees borrows money from Mommy to pay for Renter's Insurance, who does he thank for helping him? Mommy or Geico? Both "helped," right?
Meanwhile...therapy pony. I just want to die.
Saturday, September 21, 2019
What inspired this woman to drive like a dangerous maniac through her company's parking lot? A cup of crappy gas station coffee and a premade sandwich picked up for lunch.
In short, there's not a whole lot going on in this woman's life.
Sidenote: The next day this same woman drives a motorcycle to work and uses it to jump 22 cars before riding it right up the steps, using her coworker's desks as an obstacle course, and finally coming to a screeching halt in front of the boss's office, having found an extra hash brown at the bottom of her greasy McDonald's bag.
Friday, September 20, 2019
So all the people in this ad are such sad alcoholics that they regularly drank beer despite the fact that they couldn't taste it? What is it with beer ads these days that they are dropping all pretense at suggesting that their product is consumed because it tastes good and going straight for the "it's alcohol, you're life is crap and you need alcohol, so drink this crap constantly" message?
The ad starts with a public make-out session between two ugly people being interrupted by the sudden realization by one of them that she can taste her beer. This astonishes her- she isn't used to being able to taste her beer. She just drinks it because....she's thirsty? No. She just drinks it because if she doesn't the guy she's with isn't going to look good enough to kiss and besides, she's done spending evenings trying to pull those giant green spiders no one else can see off her face.
Oh, and check out the final few seconds of this commercial, where the scruffy loser wakes up his life partner- or the woman he found himself sleeping next to when he came out of his stupor- to let her know that he can actually taste his 2 AM buzz fix. Better yet, check out that woman- she looks like she's not sure where she is, or who HE is. Never mind "sad." This is getting downright depressing.
Thursday, September 19, 2019
(Before we get started, note that these boxes have lids which we never see closed, are overflowing to the point where the lids clearly cannot be used. In other words, we've got a case of Overflowing KFC Bucket Syndrome here. Well, Taco Bell and KFC are owned by the same company, so no trademark violation anyway....)
These boxes have 1130 calories, they contain the following RDAs for an adult:
92% of total fat.
55% of saturated fat
85% of sodium
So basically once you've eaten one of these things, you're done for the day. You've used up your RDAs for a pile of soggy chips and grease-infused beef nibbles from the hole in the wall down the street manned by high school students and an adult manager who wishes he were dead. Pass.
Sunday, September 15, 2019
First of all, if we're all Superstars, none of us are. I mean, do I really have to explain this?
Second- no, I'm not watching this. And I mean, not ever. If it isn't absolute brain-numbing crap, maybe I can be indicted for prejudging but I'll take that chance. For the next several months, Friday Night is for College Football unless I have a date. In other words, Friday Night is for College Football.
Not this....not this crap. Because this....this just looks awful. And not "The Connors" awful. No, this is "The Masked Singer" awful. There, I said it.
Nothing more entertaining than watching the fans of two irrelevant professional football teams trash-talk eachother, is there?
Seriously, the only thing these idiots should be arguing about is how many dozen people outside of Nashsville and Jacksonville intend to tune in on Thursday. I mean, it IS going up against Celebrity Family Feud with something named Tyler Blevins, after all. And that's just ABC!
This woman especially is being awfully mouthy in her support for a team which is currently 1-1 as it prepares to go up against a team which is 0-2. Meanwhile, the Jags fan seems pretty confident that his team is going to bounce back and win the conference....but that might be only because the Colts lost their star quarterback to retirement a few days before the season started? Either way, no reason to be crowing, buddy. And again, your team is 0-2.
You guys in Green Bay and Kansas City ever get sick of seeing your Quarterbacks spending more time pimping for State Farm than they do in playoff games? I mean, seriously- between these two guys I count 16 seasons of NFL football and exactly one Superbowl Ring.
Oh, but I guess that as Rodgers' career winds down and younger fans start to forget who the heck Peyton Manning is, State Farm must start to groom the next generation of Underachieving Star Quarterback spokespeople. So welcome to your new career, Mr Mahomes. Look on the bright side: the Brady Era can't last forever, and when it ends, that window of opportunity will open just a little wider.
Aaron Rodgers? Well, at least Max Kellerman still thinks you're better than Brady, even as he tells us Brady is the best of all time. Sound like a contradiction? Well, it's Max Kellerman. Enjoy his adulation, and your State Farm paycheck, and your one ring.
Saturday, September 14, 2019
...because seven years later, Lee Corso is still sucking oxygen out of every Saturday morning with his nonsensical dribbling over young men one-fourth his age, regularly interrupting to spew disconnected cliche'd BS because for some reason ESPN thinks he's still relevant in covering a sport Corso coached until his retirement in 1984. In other words, a sport Corso knows nothing about and has known nothing about for more than thirty years.*
Oh, but he's been doing this gig since the show debuted in 1987, so....well, no, that doesn't do it for me, either. Like Joe Paterno,** Lee Corso is here every Saturday morning because he always has been, never mind that he no longer does anything except suck up time from the braying jackasses who are trying to establish themselves as solid TV performers before ESPN finally admits that it's become an irrelevant antique in the Brave New World of the Internet and they are forced to find cameras owned by profitable networks. I guess he's just a familiar face- like Paterno, or Chris Berman, or (extending the analysis beyond football) Chris Matthews, invited back year after year because what the hell sure he's got nothing to say and no one can remember the last time he had anything to say but he's kind of an Institution and we viewers can always hit the mute button when he starts spitting stream of consciousness blather at the audience.
*Not that Corso knew a whole lot about football when he was a coach, unless you think that a lifetime record of 73-85-6 marks him as some kind of college football guru who ought to be given a 35-year-and-counting contract to ramble incoherently about the sport he had two good years coaching half a century ago.
**We all know that Paterno wasn't the actual coach of Penn State for at least the last ten seasons he had the title. He spent some entire games in the freaking owner's box "managing the game" by phone, for chrissakes. His absolute lack of involvement was his main defense during the abuse scandal. Yet every week he was the focus of commentary during every Penn State game, as he accepted praise for work being done by his assistant coaches.
"Ok Real Pickup Owners not Actors, this Chevy BlandMobile features the world's first invisible trailer."
Because all Real Chevy Owners Not Actors must act like mentally deficient box turtles whose moms lived exclusively on lead paint chips during pregnancy, one of them bleats "invisible," another remarks "so it isnt' the trailer sitting right here?" and yet another actually bangs his fist against the trailer with a "toldja so it's right here, I can see it and I just proved its right here you're gonna have to do that Chevy spokesman I got you this time" look on his punchable face.
Ah, but you see- it's not that the trailer is actually invisible, but that among the 500 camera options featured in Chevy's latest BS Electronics to Distract You From the Overall Crappiness pickup model is one that-- um--- basically photoshops the trailer out of the picture. Well, isn't that clever because now you can....um....wait a minute, what exactly IS the function of this camera option again?
Well, if you've got it activated, you can back up without seeing your trailer, which is really helpful if...you don't want to know how much room you have and are trying to smash up your trailer. Or if you're on the highway, it helps you forget you're hauling a trailer so when you change lanes you don't allow for enough space and you clip that car you thought you had ample room to pass.....
Come to think of it, I can't imagine why this Invisible Trailer feature would be anything but a stupid, dangerous option nobody in their right mind would ever activate. But it's new so I guess it's deserving of a commercial. And hey, it gives a group of camera-hungry choads another opportunity to kiss Chevrolet's butt for thirty seconds in exchange for a little tv time, so there's that, too.
Thursday, September 12, 2019
1. Assuming it's happening in 2019, this kid is told to shut his stupid piehole and stop trying to get himself on YouTube by blathering a cliche'-ridden pile of noxious drivel. OR
2. Assuming it's any time in human history, he's told to sit the f--k down because he's blocking the people sitting behind him who came to watch a game, not his fat face lecturing them on how to be good fans. OR
3. If this event is taking place in the 1980s, he's greeted with silence followed by the Slow ClapTM.
Monday, September 9, 2019
If not, can we expect to see the following commercials from Coors?
"The official Beer of waiting for the Ride On Bus."
"The official Beer of Drinking outside your daughter's daycare hoping to get a glimpse of her without your ex-wife finding out."
"The official Beer of drinking before heading off to church."
"The official Beer of drinking on your way back from the bathroom to the bedroom at 2 AM."
"The official Beer of Drinking before going in to the Funeral."
Let's just cut to the chase, go back to my original post on this awesome campaign, and call Coors the Official Beer of Being a High-functioning Alcoholic and get it over with, ok?
Sunday, September 8, 2019
Sitting down on the couch with your roomate, still in your bathrobe....and taking a beer out of a pocket of that bathrobe (which is where you always keep spare beers, in case you need one on your way back from the toilet in the middle of the night, perhaps?) and handing it to your friend before setting down on the couch for the 4-hour College Football Gameday show to start.....because fried eggs without beer is like waffles without vodka. Just doesn't work!
Not only is all this perfectly fine, perfectly normal....but as far as Coors is concerned, it's a great opportunity to grab that important niche market of weekend alcoholics and get their brand nailed down as "the official beer of Saturday Mornings."
I wish....I seriously wish this commercial came with a disclaimer, or at least a laughtrack, to let us know Coors isn't serious about this. But it doesn't, and they are. Coors is the Official Beer of the Early-Morning Hangover, the Official Beer of the 48-hour Drunk, the Official Beer of the Two-Day Stupor on your Couch...let's just cut to the chase, shall we? Coors is the Official Beer of the High-Functioning Alcoholic. And proud of it.
Seriously, Coors-- can you guys just go back to funnelling money to Right-Wing Republican candidates for high office, anti-abortion initiatives, and Think Tanks with the openly-stated goal of banning gay marriage? You know, like back in the good old days when of course you wanted more alcoholics but weren't willing to blatantly celebrate them in your tv commercials? Because this....this is really too much.
(BTW, I almost never post comments on two commercials in the same day, but I have this sneaking suspicion that Coors is going to experience a backlash from this one and it will vanish from tv and YouTube in a short time, so I have to comment before it enters the realm of "did I really see that?" myth.)
I guess the "joke" here is that the insane parents are becoming concerned that their son might be gay- I mean, what other reason could he possibly have for getting interested in Soccer instead of, you know, the only sport that really matters- College Football?
The lunatic mom even bleats some line about how it's "natural" for a kid her son's age to "experiment" with "other sodas," leading up to the nonsensical punchline- that the kid has been living in such a culty bubble of isolation that he was not aware that Dr Pepper was not the only soft drink on the planet. I don't know why the parents didn't just skip to the "we're worried about you because you've strayed away from the True Faith, the Church of Dr Pepper" instead of mocking interest in the most popular sport on the planet.
These "Fanville" commercials are a large and growing series on television these days, and they are especially ubiquitous during college football games. I can't be the only viewer who finds college-football themed commercials during college football games more than a little exhausting. Watching crazy graduates of Generic State bringing their sad desperation to cling to their College Glory Days to the level of badgering kids and neighbors to embrace unquestioning loyalty to State AND Dr Pepper (why are they connected? Meh, who cares?) in between actual college football games which feature more shots of lunatic fans making asshats of themselves leaves me depressed and bleary-eyed long before mid-afternoon games have even kicked off. Thank goodness for my XM Radio and mild walking temps.
Saturday, September 7, 2019
This is one of a series of commercials featuring these dogs and this bank. Let that sink in for a minute.
Ok, depressed enough? Then let's continue. Lulu and Lobo are sitting at the entrance of a Wells Fargo watching their owner doing something in the building they aren't allowed in for some reason. Because they are dogs, in real life they don't have the slightest clue what is going on or why there's this invisible shield between them and the other creature which feeds them because they have brains the size of walnuts. But because they are dogs on tv, they are telepathically speaking to eachother in human voices. And because they are dogs on tv in the United States, they are telepathically speaking to eachother in human voices speaking English. And because CGI is a thing, one of the dogs is moving his mouth while he's telepathically speaking. This is all happening mainly because Wells Fargo hates people so very, very much.
And because they are animals on tv they can deduce what is happening between humans in the bank- never mind that a six-year-old human child probably wouldn't understand, these animals know that the humans are negotiating a thirty-year adjustable-rate mortgage which will allow their human to move them into a house with a yard so they can live "the unleashed life" (please, just kill me now.) They get all this just by staring through the glass at the entrance door which never opens because nobody else attempts to enter or leave the Wells Fargo during the entire negotiation which BTW is taking place right there in the lobby of the bank and not in an office because That's Convenient. Oh, and the owner of these ridiculous dogs didn't bother to tie them up outside (or, better yet, just leave them home) but that's ok because they'll just sit there staring into the bank until she decides to come out (doesn't this mean that they are already living the "unleashed life?")
In the end, the girl makes the deal and she won't even have to explain it to the dogs (though I suspect he will anyway, because Dog Owner.) I don't know what happens in the other Lulu and Lobo commercials and I seriously don't care, because of all the stupid commercial memes that have been done to death over the decades none has been done to death more than the Pets Thinking and Talking like Humans bit, and I'm just not going to subject myself to any more of this crap. Instead, I'll just impose an instant boycott on every company which uses "talking" pets in its ads. And wait for Wells Fargo to pull the rug out from under Lulu and Lobo's human by jacking up interest rates as soon as it's federally funded risky investments collapse again and we all get to party like it's 2009.
Friday, September 6, 2019
So here's the cross-promotion we've come up with: A crappy, watered-down swill of a light beer only sad drunks on a limited income would ever buy on purpose, and an inexplicably popular HBO television series which finally ended roughly three seasons too late with a conclusion which left its most devoted fans simultaneously disgusted and outraged. Dilly Dilly!
(Oh, and the happy ending? Well, if you can get to the conclusion of this ridiculously overlong ad, you'll see that everyone in it dies horribly in a blaze of dragon fire. This is the way ALL Bud Light "Dilly Dilly" commercials should end, along with all commercials featuring Chevrolet Real People Not Actors, Cell Phone service, the Geico lizard and Peyton Manning. When the day comes that every one of THOSE commercials ends with the participants being roasted to death by a dragon, I'll be able to retire this blog. Looking forward to it.)
Wednesday, September 4, 2019
1. Why is this lizard intruding on a family camping trip? Did they invite him? And if so, why did they invite him? I mean, if they've ever watched any other commercial featuring the lizard in the past, they KNOW that all he's going to do is harrass them about the benefits of the Geico App until they crush him with a convenient rock, which I really wish they'd just do.
2. Why does this lizard think that the family would like to "manage their insurance" while on a camping trip? Seriously, who thinks about managing their insurance while out camping with the family? Do they even have a WiFi connection out there? Because guess what, no matter how cool that Geice Insurance App is, it's not going to work unless you've got access to the internet. And considering that I don't see anyone in this family using their phones here, I think it's a pretty good bet that there's no service where they are. Because it's 2019, after all.
3. Why does the Dad in this commercial care that the Geico's tiny bit of marshmallow is on fire? I'd be more invested in getting it to shut the f--k up about insurance during Family Time in front of the fire.
4. Is that Dad ever going to wipe that bit of marshmallow off his face? I mean, seriously- I know it's just a speck of marshmallow, and maybe it's not even hot anymore- but it's still a sticky bit of sugary sludge he KNOWS is on his face. Why doesn't he wipe it off? Is he really that dead inside that he doesn't care about it being on his face? Is he just so crushed by the lack of internet access that he can't work up the energy to wipe his face? Seriously, what the hell?
Sunday, September 1, 2019
What are the key words in this commercial? Rivalry. Hate. Obsession.
What are these words in service of? A company that sells flavored water in the guise of making children better "athletes," mainly by supplying that flavored water to every major league team in the country regardless of sport so that the brand name is prominent on every bench, box and bullpen and therefore burned into the viewers' brains before the official commercial (like this one) even arrives on the tv.
Want to be a better athlete, kid? Well, here's my advice- find a Rival. Find someone you think is as good as you at your chosen sport, or even better. Psych yourself into hating that person, because you can be damned sure that person hates you. Work harder- harder than you thought you could, because if you don't, that Rival is going to hurt you-- not just HURT you, that rival is going to BRING YOU DOWN and SHOVE YOUR NOSE IN IT. Remember the Golden Rule- "Do Unto Others, Before they Do You."
Eventually, that Hate you've used to motivate yourself to work hard at something you once enjoyed as an innocent game (man you used to be a pansy!) will make you a stronger person, which will allow you to survive your competition with that person you've convinced yourself is out to get you. Then you can move on from Hate to Repect (it's really natural and very easy, believe me.) And you'll even eventually move on to Love that rival-- yep, it's a very simple evolution, that Hate to Respect to Love thing. And all this will teach you about real life, because in real life, that's how relationships normally develop.
And remember, this is Advice coming from people who want you to see drinking large amounts of sugary water as a key ingredient to your ultimate "success" as an "athlete." Sugary water, and Hate.
Now, if you want to really get your stomach churning, I dare you to read the comments and see how many viewers are super-inspired by this noxious schlock. Don't say I didn't warn you.