Sunday, September 1, 2019

The only thing more depressing than this Gatorade commercial is the comment section that follows

What are the key words in this commercial?  Rivalry.  Hate.  Obsession.

What are these words in service of?  A company that sells flavored water in the guise of making children better "athletes," mainly by supplying that flavored water to every major league team in the country regardless of sport so that the brand name is prominent on every bench, box and bullpen and therefore burned into the viewers' brains before the official commercial (like this one) even arrives on the tv.

Want to be a better athlete, kid?  Well, here's my advice- find a Rival.  Find someone you think is as good as you at your chosen sport, or even better.  Psych yourself into hating that person, because you can be damned sure that person hates you.  Work harder- harder than you thought you could, because if you don't, that Rival is going to hurt you-- not just HURT you, that rival is going to BRING YOU DOWN and SHOVE YOUR NOSE IN IT.  Remember the Golden Rule- "Do Unto Others, Before they Do You."

Eventually, that Hate you've used to motivate yourself to work hard at something you once enjoyed as an innocent game (man you used to be a pansy!) will make you a stronger person, which will allow you to survive your competition with that person you've convinced yourself is out to get you.  Then you can move on from Hate to Repect (it's really natural and very easy, believe me.)  And you'll even eventually move on to Love that rival-- yep, it's a very simple evolution, that Hate to Respect to Love thing.  And all this will teach you about real life, because in real life, that's how relationships normally develop.

And remember, this is Advice coming from people who want you to see drinking large amounts of sugary water as a key ingredient to your ultimate "success" as an "athlete."  Sugary water, and Hate.

Now, if you want to really get your stomach churning, I dare you to read the comments and see how many viewers are super-inspired by this noxious schlock.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

1 comment:

  1. Stuff like this is why Hunter Thompson said that the real national motto wasn't "In God We Trust" but instead "Out Of Our Way Or We'll Kill You."