Tuesday, May 30, 2017
A few days ago, I picked on M&M Mars for producing a god-awful commercial tying their candy with the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie. I don't take back anything I said; it was a very stupid attempt at cross-promotion which came across as lazy and insulting and made me retroactively hate both the candy and the original movie. All of that stands.
But compared to this schlock, the candy ad was high art. I mean, I know Dairy Queen ("DQ" this, seriously) is pretty much expected to produce the most insipid, barrell-scraping stupid commercials which don't feature beer or Real People, Not Actors. But this is even lower than their usual standards. We've got the thirtysomething white people in jobs held in real life by teenagers and college students, first of all. But then we've got one of those employees getting a thrill repeatedly wiping off a lifesized carboard cutout of one of the actors....um, wtf-ever, Dairy Queen. Anything to distract us from the Artificial Cold Junk In An Only Slightly Less Digestable Cup, I guess.
Oh, and just try to take one of these things into the theater with you when you try to obey the commercial's command to see Guardians of the Galaxy II. If I were you, I'd just smuggle in a bag of M&Ms. And go see a better movie while I'm at it.
Sunday, May 28, 2017
"You're the third guy to ask for her key in the last 24 hours. Oh well, none of our business. Here you go, sir."
So this woman is in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere, all by herself. She looks nervous and worried and on edge.
One day, a guy shows up at the hotel front desk and announces to the manager "I'm the husband of the woman staying in Room 122, give me a key so I can go in there with....um, 'our' dog and several bags of groceries and stuff from 'our' house so when she comes back from wherever she is I can surprise her."
The manager, suffering from extreme Common Sense Deficiency Syndrome (or CSDS, a treatment for which is coming to your pharmacy and your television in the very near future,) hands a key to this total stranger so he can walk right into the woman's room and wait for her. Why not, even though the hotel guest woman didn't inform the front desk that she was expecting anyone. The guy looks perfectly normal, except that he's kind of bleary eyed because he drove all night and he's got this big dog with him. Maybe the woman is hiding from her abuser? Maybe this guy is stalking her? Maybe you don't just open the freaking room up to anyone claiming to be a relation of the guest?
Nope, no problem. Here's the key, sir.
The only way this commercial redeems itself is if the woman shows up in the hotel room with her lover from work to discover that her plan for a romantic weekend has been ruined by her moron husband and by the even bigger moron who runs this hotel.
Trust Ford to put as much thought into its commercials as it does into its vehicles.
Saturday, May 27, 2017
This commercial was released early in 2016...yet that November, we were all stunned when Donald Trump was elected President.
It was right there in front of us the whole time- we are a nation of drooling hicks who love yelling "WOOOO" and watching big, loud, dirty things be big, loud and dirty.
We thought this country was going to choose a highly-qualified woman over a male reality tv bag of hot air?
What were we thinking?
Friday, May 26, 2017
According to Wikipedia, Arby's is the second-largest fast-food service chain in the United States (based on number of retail outlets.) Which means that pretty much no matter where you live in this great big fat Getting Greater Every Day country of ours, you are not far from an opportunity to shorten your stay by shoving this greasy crap down your already overindulged cake hole.
And here's another example of Art Imitating Life, from way back in the early-90s:
Meanwhile, half the world goes to bed hungry every night. Hell, even idiots who consume crap from Arby's, MacDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell or Kentucky FRIED Chicken, while not going to bed hungry, ARE going through life with nutrient deficiencies because the only Food Groups included in their diet are Fats and Carbs. All contributing to the obesity epidemic already aggravated by a lack of large grocery stores in the urban centers (just try to get fruits, vegetables and high-fiber bread from a typical inner-city convenience or mom and pop store. Liquor, lottery tickets and heat-lamp hot dogs, sure. Actual food? Not likely.)
But keep demanding death on a bun, morons. I'm investing in companies specializing in heart disease medication and knee replacement surgeries. I'll be fine.
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
So this woman is planning an outdoor party and heads out to the patio for the first time in a couple of years (I'm assuming this based on the amount of dirt she finds on the table and chairs.) I mean, the only alternative is that someone just happened to walk on to her patio, break the pot of dirt, and spread it all over the table and chairs.
Oh wait, there's one more alternative: that this commercial simply does not tie in any logical way to reality.
Anyway, this woman's solution to a problem solved by 99 percent of us with a quick hosedown is to attach a bottle of chemicals to that hose and then spend what seems like an hour or so shooting high-pressure water mixed with that bottle of chemicals on to that table and chairs like a germophobic maniac so terrified at the idea that there might be a tiny speck of dirt left behind that she's willing to drown the patio in water and chemicals.
And never mind that she uses so much water on those cushions that there's no way anyone sits on them without getting their pants wet inside of six hours- the important thing is that there's NO MORE DIRT ANYWHERE. Because dirt is the last thing we should be tolerating while we're outside. WTF-ever, Scotts. I'm not even going to go into the whole "Oh, Schmidt" thing. Not even worth it.
Monday, May 22, 2017
Cross-promotions are the drum solos of commercials. They are always just so g-d--ned awful and insulting and stupid. I blame one of the best movies ever made, E.T., for their ubiquitousness (is that even a word?) because of that one simple Reece's/Movie tie-in because it lead to almost four decades of this awful "eat this or drive this while watching this" banal crud.
This one is especially bad because the two stupid fricking M&M characters are actually in the damn theater watching the damn movie (which, by the way, go ahead and flame me you weird cultists, is one of the most freaking overrated films of all time, sorry now get a freaking life) when the disease-ridden, sharp-clawed rodent does what come naturally for it (eating bags of someone else's food.) This of course is supposed to be hilarious because get it, one of the adowable characters of that stupid It's Just Another CGI-Fest Waste of Time movie is or is not a racoon (the "debate," carried out exclusively by sad losers on the internet, continues.) Oh my sides are splitting.
So go see Guardians of the Galaxy II because hey, you saw the first one and since then you've been told a thousand times that it's the Gone With The Wind of action-adventure crap. And eat, umm, M&Ms, I guess. And popcorn. And play with racoons until they bite your fingers off and you choke to death on your own spittle. Or something.
Sunday, May 21, 2017
"Moms don't take sick days?" Um, why the hell not? Is it because Dad isn't there to help raise his own children, ever, and would probably accidentally kill them with his ineptitude if allowed to try for one day?
You can damn well bet that DADS take sick days. And spend them being mothered by Mom, who just adds him to the list of people who must be taken care of on those particular days. But Moms? Moms aren't allowed to be sick, and they really aren't allowed to rest, either, except during those hours when the kids are asleep and Dad doesn't need anything either. Her rest periods end when one of her kids- the children or the adult one- needs something.
Need a longer break, mom? You shouldn't have had these kids all by yourself. And you can take several days off when they are out of the house (and your hubby doesn't need you to for anything.) Or when you're dead.
Why do the makers of Nyquil and Tide commercials insist on acting as if we are still in some Leave It To Beaver version of the 1950s? Those days really aren't missed by anyone with a functioning brain. I really doubt the Dad in this commercial is all that anxious to get back to them, for example.
Saturday, May 20, 2017
"My little girl practically lives in her Princess dress...she wears it all week...."
Wait, it's about to get much, much worse.
"But once a week, I need to clean it. So what do I do? What any good dad would do- I let her play sheriff. While I clean that dress she's been wearing for a week."
No kidding. This guy lets his daughter wear the same freaking dress for weeks at a time, with brief intervals in which she wears a sheriff's costume so he can wash the stinking, grass-and-spaghetti-stained thing. And please note that he LETS her play sheriff for those maybe two hours it takes to wash her regular uniform, the princess dress. Then it's back to her gender-appropriate princess dress.
Someone please explain to me two things here:
1. Why the hell is this "expert dad" going along with this wear-the-same-dress-for-weeks-at-a-time bit? Does this girl not go to school? Is he just keeping her socially isolated in the house and the backyard, or what? I mean, how badly does this girl smell at the end of each designated laundry cycle?
2. How many brain cells would we have to donate to Expert Dad to get him to realize that a really good time to wash that stupid ugly dress would be in the evening when spoiled little princess is asleep and presumably wearing something else? Oh, would that require the idiot to go shopping for new clothes every once in a while?
3. Does anyone else think this commercial is really stupid and disturbing, or is it just me?
Friday, May 19, 2017
I'm going to tweak the script of this commercial without changing the basic message:
"We all love bacon. We simply can't get enough of it. We'd eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinner and all snacks if we could. When we get around to making 'Fourth Meal' an official thing- and seriously, it's only a matter a time in Donald Trump's America- that Fourth Meal will consist entirely of bacon."
"As we all know, the problem is that bacon is not very convenient to make. It creates grease which splatters and makes messes and is even dangerous. And because of these problems, we often deny ourselves our god-given right to consume as much pig as we'd like. The result? We aren't anywhere near as unhealthy as we COULD be if only SOMEONE could make the cooking of fatty strips of pork easier!"
"Well, here's the solution- with this handy little device, you effortlessly add hundreds of calories to your diet and subtract several years of your life! Yay bacon!"
*Just pay extra shipping and handling
Sunday, May 14, 2017
A) The pie-sized, grease-infused sandwiches these two slobs are about to stick into their faces?
B) The fact that both of these future heart attack victims is totally oblivious to the carnage going on outside?
C) The fact that the dreamy-eyed jackass can't even bother to use a napkin but instead wipes his mouth with the back of his hand?
D) Michael Bay continues to make money putting out this CGI-dominated, epilepsy-inducing schlock two decades after totally trashing the story of Pearl Harbor?
Saturday, May 13, 2017
First, how does the Pedestrian know that the car stopped itself? Can he tell from his view as a Nearly Crushed by Car Driven by Clueless, Distracted Dicktard that the driver didn't hit his brake?
Second- so, how many guys did this jackass driver kill before he bought this car which did his thinking and braking for him?
Finally- this crap happens to me at least once a week, as I am always a pedestrian. Never once have I even considered running up to the driver and having a freaking orgasm over his car. First, I'd probably get shot before I got to the window. Second, I don't feel compelled to thank people for almost but not quite hitting me. I know, I'm weird like that.
Friday, May 12, 2017
So if you walk past a house in which the lights are randomly turning on and off, you think "oh that house must be haunted?" Um, maybe twenty years ago a small child might have a reasonable excuse for taking that leap. In 2017 I think pretty much everyone instantly thinks "App" when they see stuff like this. Maybe this ad is making fun of the fact that the dog-walker is an elderly man for whom electric lights are already pretty amazingly close to magic and for whom "App" is not a word.
And you've got to have EVERY FREAKING LIGHT IN THE HOUSE connected to this stupid App? Not just at the door or in the kitchen? EVERY FREAKING ONE? That's pretty damn stupid.
Oh, and why is this toddler being allowed to play with the freaking phone anyway? Didn't bring any toys, stupid parents? Or is the little kid already imitating you cell phone junkie morons?
And one more thing- "your son?" Huh? Is that supposed to be a "cute" little reversal of the "your child" crap we used to hear from television dads who were constantly reinforcing the idea that Mommy is the one raising the offspring? If so, it falls pretty flat here.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
I was going to go with "My milk is whiter than yours" or "Milk for Rich White People," but I thought this title was more to the point.
Fairmilk is nothing more than milk which is "cold-filtered" and reconstituted to provide more protein or other nutrients but basically still just milk repackaged and sold in a fancy bottle to stupid white people with way too much money who are suckers for commercials like this. Within seconds I'm sure they all reacted to this ad by thinking "awesome, another way to demonstrate my social status because just shopping at Whole Foods instead of Giant and driving a Lexus instead of a Honda just doesn't do it for me anymore."
So please, Upper Class Suburban Zombies- go out and buy this stuff and make sure you let everyone know you do. Maybe slip it into Garrison's lunchbox before he heads out to preschool. Or just have the nanny do it.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
In 2016 Peyton Manning retired after winning his second Superbowl in a 17-year career with the Indianapolis Colts and Denver Broncos. Today he continues to appear at pretty much every commercial break during pretty much every NFL game during the entire season, mainly selling Nationwide Insurance by sitting around the house or standing in line at the grocery store or driving around in a luxury car. Usually he's humming the Nationwide tune or adding different words to it, sometimes he's just tossing quips to an appreciative audience.
Serena Williams has won 39 Major Titles, including 23 Grand Slam Titles. She's won the Australian Open seven times, the US Open six times, Wimbledon seven times and the French Open three times. I've seen her in a lot more blowouts than close matches, even in the championship rounds.
She shows up in commercials every once in a while- like this one for Intel in which she grunts and issues gutteral screams of frustration because....um, because she's using an old racket, I guess. I'm sure she'd have a few lines in this ad but they were all taken by the well-dressed white guy. So just grunt and scream, Serena. If it plays well maybe we'll call you in to do another ad next year.
Yeah, we've come a long way, haven't we?
Sunday, May 7, 2017
"Let's suppose you're writing a resume for a job you really, really want. Or that you're writing a Facebook post that you want all your friends to see. Or a research paper you just have to get an A on."
"Now let's suppose that you have all of the English skills of your average injured box turtle, pretty much never pick up a newspaper or (God Forbid) a book or magazine, and have been taught how to read by texting and tweeting."
"Let's continue by assuming that you always managed to get someone else to write your essays for you, but now you're out of High School and that someone else is long gone and for the first time, you find yourself face to face with the reality of a world in which you can't ask Siri absolutely everything and people are actually asking you to physically do something all by yourself."
"Well, no problem- here's Grammarly, a software program you can quickly download (ask Siri how) and let fix all those holes in your education which involve basic spelling and sentence structure. And because you live in a world where asking an inanimate object how to turn around in your own driveway is perfectly normal, you won't feel even the tiniest sliver of shame while you use it. Yay Modern World!"
"So go ahead and use Grammarly to pretend to be more intelligent and articulate and capable of expressing the most basic of concepts without the help of an artificial agent. Hey, it worked for Lilly- she was hired for the job of Social Media Manager in that other Grammarly commercial over applicants whose brains weren't atrophied bowls of pudding!"
Saturday, May 6, 2017
Let's be serious. We all know what always happens when you install one of these "organizers." Within a few weeks, they've turned into expensive junk drawers for your car, filled with pretty much everything that you can't shove into the glove compartment because that is already filled with pens, individual sticks of gum, scraps of post it notes, ancient receipts and half-consumed rolls of Tums.
Now, in addition to that glove compartment which may or may not contain your car registration and almost certainly does NOT contain a pair of gloves, you've got a super-convenient place to stuff your styrofoam coffee cups, practically-empty coke cans, newspaper articles you thought you might want to read later, used napkins and that overpriced water bottle you thought you'd bring inside every evening after work to refill.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Today, CVS is a great place to shop if you've got all the time in the world and don't mind waiting until the one person at the one register gets done helping nineteen people in front of you before she finally picks up the g-d d--ned phone and asks Julia to respond to "Code One," which everyone who has ever been in a CVS knows means "we've got a lot of people waiting to check out so how about from the break room and actually doing some damn work along with me?"
It's a better place to work, since only two people- one at the pharmacy, one at the register- work at a time, while an apparently huge squad of people wearing stupid red aprons are hanging out in that breakroom.
Yes, it's a pretty good place to have a "private conversation." Just not with an actual employee- unless you're willing to hold up the twenty people behind you in line while you have your actually-not-at-all-private conversation with the cashier about why the item you are trying to buy isn't on sale when the g-d d--ned sign clearly says that it is.
Oh, and its a great place to buy $1.99 16-ounce bottles of Coke and marked-down candy left over from Easter- if you can convince the cashier that it really is marked down regardless of what the damn register tells her. And to call "Code One" before the people behind you blow their brains out rather than let any more of their lives just melt away standing in line.