Saturday, August 31, 2013
You know, I can just see people ordering dozens of these to help them find their phones, which had "tiles" attached to them but then couldn't be found because...they needed the app on their lost phones to find the lost "tiles."
So maybe instead of buying more "tiles," these just became an excuse to buy more phones to use to find the phones which had "tiles" attached?
I can also see people slipping these into their toddler's pocket so they can chat and text away at the park and not worry about what Little Brittany is doing on the swings because after all, when I want to find Little Brittany (it will be a while) all I have to do is use the app on my phone, and no I won't be losing my phone because that's what was distracting me from watching Little Brittany.
I think I'll get myself an I Phone and about 100 of these things and just drop them everywhere- in the park, out the window while I drive, around the school- and every once in a while I'll just make a game of seeing where my "tiles" are and what they are up to. Hopefully they'll be picked up and be taken to some awesome places.
Or maybe not. I can see this becoming depressing kind of quickly, actually. Oh look, one of my "tiles" ended up in Vegas. Another one seems to be living in a trade rat's nest. One seems to be underground, waiting to be gnawed at by a squirrel this winter. Some idiot put another one on a key chain and seems to be spending a lot of time at Starbucks with it. Still another is apparently being used as a replacement for the letter Q on a Scrabble board, and one appears to be functioning as a poker chip. What they all have in common is that they are having more interesting lives than I am. I think I'll order one of those key finders that don't go off when you whistle, instead. At least then, when I can't find my keys, I won't be angry that my "tiles" are having more fun than I am.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
"THIS year, I'm think I'll ask EMILY to the dance."
1. "THIS" year? What is this kid, ten years old?
2. "I think I'll ask EMILY to the dance"- how many dances has this kid been to? Seriously, do schools start throwing dances in kindergarten now?
3. Maybe I'm confused, and this is actually a 50-year old man who just LOOKS like a kid. After all, that would explain why he's trying out 35-year old dance moves in front of his mirror.
I mean, what the hell?
If you find yourself happily chewing on "meaty, melty McCheeses" or sucking down "McFrappes" from the "McCafe" (gag) you have no taste, you have no sense, and unless you also have no money, you have no excuse for your terrible behavior and should be ashamed of yourself. If you engage in some kind of intensely stupid frolicking behavior like the people in the second ad do, you need to ask someone to shoot you in your face. Even if I could let everything else slide, I'm not excusing the unjustifiable fist-pump at the end of the second ad. I mean, WTF?
I'm sure it doesn't mean I have a problem. I don't know why I hate these commercials so much, but I do know it's not that.
And oh, by the way- it's pronounced FRAP. I know "Frappe" makes it sound all foreign and worth more money and that's why you pronounce it like that, but it's FRAP. Morons.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Well, here's something to be grateful for. Maybe someday I'll be in a horrible accident which takes my life, because I drive a 10-year old Honda Civic (as befits my station.) I can live with that.
What I can't live with is the idea that my accident might also cause injury or even death to people who are far, far better than I am, like this beautiful couple cruising around in their Infiniti. I were ever responsible for even causing a dent or scratch on their lovely car, or inconveniencing them in any way, I would HOPE that my accident was a fatal one, because I would not be able to live with myself.
So I am so very glad that these Far Superior people can afford a car which protects them from the kind of event on the highway which, in a Just World, should only threaten inferior proles like myself. It makes me feel better about having the audacity to share the road with them. I'm still quite certain I don't deserve the honor, but at least I know I'm a lot less likely to damage their grilles with my stupid ugly face.
It also makes me feel good to know that scientists are relentless in their pursuit of new innovations which will allow the very rich among us to live longer lives despite the fact that they are constantly surrounded by trolls like me. If it makes you feel any better, Very Rich People, we aren't breeding as fast as we used to, and more and more of us have been reduced to using public transportation. But until we are out of your way altogether, Infiniti will be there for you. Thank God.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Something dies in my soul every time I watch these pathetic douchenozzles basically explain to me that they realized that their lives were not worth living when they noticed that some of their friends had cooler, flashier electronic toys.
"I couldn't get email, I couldn't steam movies, I couldn't upload any videos..." oh boo f--ing hoo, you poor deprived suffering ones. Here are two big pieces of wood, some nails and a hammer; build yourself a cross and attach yourself to it, if you can manage the project without finding a YouTube video with step by step instructions.
Seriously, I am so damned sick of these commercials and their attempts to convince me that I'm living in the f--ing stone age if I can't watch movies on my phone or take photos and instantly upload them (or is it download them?) to for all the world to see (or not.) I wish Verizon, AT&T and the rest would just admit that they are not selling anything vital, and that more "connectivity" and "faster speeds" really means nothing more than "crap, faster."
But who am I kidding? Just look at these people, especially the one woman who sounds like she's risking complete social isolation from her friends if she doesn't upgrade. These idiots are all hooked, and never mind that what they consider blindingly fast today they'll call agonizingly slow next year. Losers.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
For all the stupid grins and satisfied looks, I'll put real down real money that what this guy is actually thinking is "Jesus, this is why you insisted on the $10,000 kitchen makeover? So you could send me off to work with an f---ng McMuffin? Two dollars worth of garbage from the McDonalds down the street before I spend ten hours in an office while you spend the day watching soaps and shopping on Haute Look.com?"
"Well, at least I can finally say I've eaten a decent breakfast in this apartment."
And that the woman here is thinking is "you think you own me? You think I'm your f--ng handmaiden and I'm going to just cook and clean for you, Mr. Career Guy? Well here's what I think of that- while you were spending an hour getting ready for another day in your exciting World Outside This Apartment, I got the doorman to run over to McDonalds to buy you exactly two dollars worth of crap- a muffin and a coffee. Because that's what you're worth."
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Who's got comfort food like grandma used to make? Who's got food like people used to actually cook before they got pathetically lazy like us? Why, the answer is America's Favorite Feeding Trough, Golden Corral, of course!
Remember when your grandma used to serve up endless piles of pot roast, fried chicken, orange macaroni and cheese? Remember the mountains of tasteless mashed potatoes and sludge gravy? And remember how every Thanksgiving she'd put out a vat of drumsticks and another of sliced rubbery cranberry sauce? Remember that?
Remember how you'd eat so many rolls, using the last couple to sop up that gravy- you'd have to unbutton your pants? That was awesome. How can we get those days back? What's the matter, being morbidly obese effect your hearing? I told you already- Golden Corral!
And this is even better than grandma's place- here you can end your night of binge eating by sticking marshmallows, cookies and your fingers into Hershey's chocolate syrup and give yourself a nice little energy boost (you'll need it to prevent your slipping into a diabetic coma, fine at grandma's but kind of hard when people expect you to drive home later) by shoving your hand into a cotton candy machine!! You'll feel like a kid again- a big, fat, disgusting kid with no pride, dignity or common sense!
And when you are finally done shoving all the greasy, cheap warm food which kind of reminds you of the stuff grandma used to make (please don't say so out loud, we don't need grandma spinning in her grave or coming back to haunt you for desecrating her memory) down your cake hole, you'll feel Comfortable knowing that while your night of Comfort food did plenty of unseen damage to your internal organs, it went pretty light on the wallet. Around ten bucks- awesome! We don't have to make this an annual thing, kids! We can gorge ourselves on meat loaf, fried shrimp (is there any other kind?) and macaroons on a regular basis!
And here's another Comforting thought- back when you went to grandma's place, you followed dinner with a lot of dish-washing and maybe some yard work or a game of touch football or a walk in the park. Now you can just go home and get back to your Netflix account or catch up on what was recorded on your DVR. Like I said before- Better than a trip to Grandmas!
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
This commercial is entitled "camp," but when I see it I don't find myself thinking "camp." More like "trailer park."
Because after all, it's kind of hard for me to imagine that not only did these people decide to go "camping" in the middle of a gravel pit using ugly 1960s-era campers (the most god-awful uncomfortable things ever invented, believe me) but that they think that a quick trip to the McDonalds drive-thru to stock up on dollar menu items somehow goes along with "camping."
On the other hand, sending someone from the trailer park to grab a bag of warm grease after scrounging up a few bucks works very well with me. If I ignore the "camp" title, this commercial is perfectly logical. I'll even excuse the lack of screaming, half-naked children and the fact that everyone in this ad seems to have plenty of teeth.
Even ignoring the "camp" title, I still want to sock every single person featured here right in the mouth. I don't know why- maybe it's the stupid slow-motion bit. Or the fact that they are all gaping at each other like they've never seen other human life forms before this moment. Or that this group is so obviously balanced in terms of race and sexuality but (as usual) not age. Or maybe subconsciously I really can't ignore that McDonalds wants us to think these people are camping. There's just no figuring some things, I guess.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
1. Hey, lady? That's a pretty nice house you've got there. Looks spotless, too- and there you are, sitting in a gleaming living room on a comfy couch while hubby is driving home from work. He brags incessantly about the great deal he got on a Jetta? I'd buy some earplugs. After all...
2. You already put up with that stupid three-days-growth beard and the fact that he thinks that scoring a great deal on a freaking VOLKSWAGEN is something to brag about. Did I mention the nice house? But if all else fails, you can....
3. Build yourself a time machine, go back a few years, and decide that your soul wasn't really worth the nice house and guy who makes enough money to buy you stuff if the guy who makes enough money to buy you stuff is an obnoxious braggart who is so f--ing full of himself that he apparently spent several WEEKS telling everyone in his contact list about his new car, in exactly the same words, from the comfort of his living room. Because if that parrot learned this entirely from hubby's conversations with YOU about the car-- well, AGAIN- you wanted this, you got it.
4. If all else fails, that parrot would probably look just fine on a bed of rice. And I'm sure hubby's expecting dinner on the table when he walks in from the driveway and his precious Jetta.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Raise your hand if you are sick of being buried by the horseshit which permeates every single commercial for ever single truck (but is ESPECIALLY noxious and overbearing in Ford commercials.)
Each one of these horrible, suffocating blankets of faux-patriotic steaming garbage reaches out of the television to grab American males by the....err...neck....and pummel into us the message that if we really want to be considered something more than females with penises, we'd better have a three-day growth of beard, dirty hands, and a big-ass truck to haul junk around in. We'd better live on a ranch which has easy access to suburbs and contains big bales of hay to throw around, fences that need fixin', women who need lovin' and calves that need findin' and savin'. We'd better master our silent, strong, confident stares, and everything we do must be done in a totally natural, Matter-of-Fact, "get 'er done 'cause it's what we do" manner.
And they all leave me with the feeling that Ford does not consider me as even living in the same UNIVERSE with it's target audience. I don't have a big house, and haven't loved the same woman all my life, I don't rope steers or milk cows or stack hay or ride fences on the weekends and I can't remember the last time I had the opportunity to haul anything with massive heavy chains. You couldn't set my life to a cloying country music song. Hell, I even shave on days off.
Ford seems pretty determined to convince us that their trucks ought to be added to the freaking flag, or at the very least be inserted into what I guess is our new National Anthem, "God Bless America."* And to convince those of us who aren't interested in owning one of these monstrosities (because, not living on ranches and having white-collar jobs, we really don't need them) that we are pathetic wussies who don't really deserve to live in this great open country with all of it's haul-able rocks and hay bales just waiting to be stacked and creeks which need to be crashed through and let's not forget those fence posts which aren't going to sink themselves...well, you can just bite me, Ford. I'm not buying one of these f---ing things, no matter how many country music artists you employ in your attempts to separate me from my money.
*At Major League Baseball parks, the universal signal to use the restroom or grab another beer before sales are cut off at the end of the 7th inning.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
I haven't purchased a car for ten years, but I've gone through the This Is What We've Got, This Is What You Can Afford dance several times in my life, and no current car commercial gels with my memory of the experience.
Instead, the all feature people who run into dealerships practically waving their money and begging salesmen to just lead them to a car, any car, and show them where to sign. This woman knows exactly what she wants and actually discourages the sales guy to offer any kind of advice or input- any seller's dream customer. In fact, the car salesmen in these ads aren't salesmen, they are cashiers. They might as well be standing behind the counter waiting to ring up the customer's choice.
I wonder sometimes what actual car salesmen think of ads like this. Besides actually being a customer and interacting one-on-one with a few, I've also accompanied parents and friends on car-purchasing excursions, and I have a pretty good idea of what actually goes into the buying and selling of an automobile. Except for a house, it's the biggest commitment of hard-earned money that most people make. We know customers don't really act like this- so when car salesmen see their jobs being portrayed as nothing more than valets who exist to hand people keys, how do they take it?
I wonder if their reaction is in any way similar to mine when I see teachers stereotyped in advertisements and television, and they think "jeesh, that's not all there is to my job- it's hard work, dammit!" Seems likely, doesn't it?
Saturday, August 17, 2013
I don't know what it is about this commercial that forces me to pay attention to it every time it's on.
It might be the clarity and simplicity of it's message- car insurance is easy and affordable to obtain. No, that's not it.
It might be the Oh So Fun I Wish I Were Them people selling us this clear, simple message. I mean- lampshade on the head? That's a CLASSIC. And it makes so much sense that these people would be in a partying mood after discussing the purchase of the kind of cheap insurance only customers with no money and bad driving records would be interested in.
Closer--- but no, that's not it, either.
I guess I just don't know what it is about this commercial that grabs me. Maybe it's a subliminal thing. But it came on again while I was typing this, and I had to pause and watch, and for a few seconds after it was over, I forgot that I was typing this blog post.
What could it be?
Friday, August 16, 2013
I'll start by saying that I didn't even get through all of this- about a minute and a half through, I was just so damned sad at the matter-of-fact awfulness I had to just click "embed" and leave the rest alone.
The message of this commercial, in which multiple faceless people respond to their chirping Blackberries instead of interacting with each other like normal human beings, seems to be that your Blackberry is there for you at every one of those Very Special Moments of your life, making those moments somehow More Special- or, at least, more textable and tweetable.
The message I get from this commercial is- nowadays, people always have their phones out. If they aren't already doing something on their phones, they will be any moment now, and when they do, well, that will interrupt what they were doing before they reacted like Pavlov's dogs and made that knee-jerk move for the phones. If they aren't quite sure what to do, they'll soon be told- by their phones. If they don't have anything to do, that's impossible, because after all they've got phones.
And all the things I've done for the first time- sat on a couch with a girl, walked with a girl, kissed a girl, got stuck in snow (I don't know why that scene is there, but maybe it makes sense if you watch the whole thing. Not worth it) and be late for dinner- happened even though when I was as young(er) blackberries were fruit which grew on bushes. Somehow, I managed to do all this- without a glowing screen and the ability to text my thoughts instead of express them orally, or leave them unsaid, for better or for worse.
So, Blackberry? Don't tell me that you are essential to my life, or anyone else's. Don't tell me that you make life's wonderful moments better or more special, because that's BS too. It's ok if cellphone commercials tell me that when Life Happens they are there because hey, I get that and knew that already. But that's really all there is. Everything in this ad happened or will happen to pretty much everyone and that is true whether we carry Blackberries or not, sorry. You don't get to piggy-back on our moments.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Once I got past this guy's truly awful makeup job, I was able to concentrate on the things that really annoyed me about this chapter of Honda's Summer Hashtag Clearance Hashtag Event In Which Customers Hashtag Inexplicably Tweet their car issues Hashtag to random car salesmen. Hashtag.
First, Maddiewhatever really wants an SUV, but her hashtag (groan) is "moneyprobzzz." Hey, Maddie? If you've got "moneyprobzzz" (I hate you) maybe you shouldn't be trying to figure out how you can pull off an SUV right now, ok? Seriously, "moneyprobzz" and "I want an SUV" don't really connect together logically in my book.
Except, of course, it kind of does- I suspect that the reason why "Maddie" has "moneybrobzzz" is because she's very quick to translate her wants into realities, creating more...um..."moneyprobzzz."
Second- raise your hand if you'd just as soon never hear the word "hashtag" again. I mean, can someone please come up with a shorthand for it?
Third- Why are people sending these tweets to Honda? Is there some contest going on in which Honda is picking the ones which best butcher the English language to feature on their stupid ads? Is there a free Honda involved? Because who doesn't have moneyprobzzz now and then?
Fourth- Moneybrobzzz. I really want to hurt you right now, Maddie. But I'll take comfort in the idea that you will be suffering enough soon, having rushed off to Honda to sign up for a sweet lease deal on a new SUV.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
I don't think anyone's ever attempted to argue that Comcast isn't really easy to order.* That's not really the point. The problem comes after one has ordered, and it's time to deal with this crummy company and it's overpriced, underdelivered service.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Here's what's really torture: twenty seconds or so of totally invented statistics bleated to create the soundtrack for a commercial featuring a Typical Guy having his face abused by Life.
Meanwhile, that's twenty seconds or more of my ears being abused by Dove. Where do I go to find relief for THIS particular brand of torture?
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Surely I can't be the only one out there wondering where on Earth the Ford Motor Company got the idea that men are programmed to listen to Denis F--ing Leary's opinion about ANYTHING, let alone ready to respond to his "just do this if you aren't a pansy momma's boy" barkings.
And while we are at it, could someone explain to me why hauling dirt, towing rocks and doing all those other things maybe 1 percent of people who have ever owned a Ford Truck do with them is more honorable and appropriate than hauling pizzas? Hey Denis, you have a problem with hauling pizzas? You think that these trucks you are whoring are too good to haul pizzas (but just right for pulling rocks or hauling dirt- seriously, nobody does this!?)
Anyway, Earth to Denis: Just shut the f--- up, ok? Nobody gives a damn what you think of Ford Trucks, no matter how many times you use the word "torque." Get it? Good. Because it was bad enough to see you sniveling about how much Red Sox fans like losing before Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS, and how it didn't matter who won because "nobody's beating the Cardinals this year. Nobody." It was even worse that after this disgusting display, they actually let you narrate the World Series DVD (that would be the World Series in which the Sox swept those Cardinals "nobody's beating," btw.) After that you really just needed to shut up and go away. I'd settle for you getting off my television and stop trying to convince me that I lack testosterone if I don't want to spend $35,000 on a two-ton driveway decoration that lets me pretend I spend weekends towing rocks and hauling dirt.
By the way, want men to take you as an authority figure? Go buy another "n" for your first name. That would be a good start.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Sometimes, the ad is just so saturated with stupid, you can't even squeeze out small amounts to concentrate on. I tried with this one, but....I've got next to nothing.
Just two comments- first, it's pretty damned amazing that the baby in this commercial has lived THIS long, with the glue-sniffing weirdo parents it has. Second, Mother-in-Law will be "so proud?" Really?
That's all I've got. Anyone else want to take a shot at it?
Thursday, August 8, 2013
1. You can only put one thing "First." Like I put this point first. I can't put another point first, unless I make this point second, third or whatever. So if you put your Job first, you don't put your family or friends first. This isn't complicated- too complicated for the people who write ads for Eastern Bank, but not complicated.
2. If you think that Eastern Bank- or Western, Northern, Southern, Capital One, Citibank, Bank Of America, Wells Fargo, Chevy Chase or any other bank ever created by anybody in this history of the planet has ever put you or any other customer "first," you are probably way too stupid to have noticed the fallacy attached to Point #1.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
I really want the person at the beginning of this ad to just keep slamming her television into the plugs until something explodes, and if you don't as well, you are a liar.
That being said, just one question: Why didn't they just make this surge protector with the plugs on either side? Why the swiveling action? Doesn't that automatically just make it more fragile? I mean, what the heck- in every demonstration in every commercial I've ever seen for this thing, the item is plugged in and then the SwivelWhatever is turned sideways. Why not just make it so it's always turned sideways? Am I missing something here?
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Remember back in the 70s when we saw commercials like this: "We secretly replaced the gourmet coffee in this restaurant with Folger's Crystals. Let's talk to the customers and see what they say?" All of the people in these ads would tell the strange man who for some reason was interviewing them about their coffee in the middle of a restaurant how awesome the coffee was, then express shock to learn that whatever they had consumed for dinner had absolutely murdered their taste buds, because after all if you can't tell the difference between fresh-brewed real coffee and instant you probably order your gourmet cheeseburgers off the Dollar Menu.
What's that you say? You don't remember these commercials because you aren't old enough? Well, neither do I, because I'm not old enough either. So how about those ads a few years back that showed people eating pasta from Dominos and thinking that it's high-quality Italian food (those people obviously think that "high quality Italian food" is something you get at The Olive Garden?) Or "It's not Delivery, it's DiGiorno" (featuring intensely sad idiots who have never experienced good take-out pizza, ever?)
Well, I guess this is what the makers of Sam Adams are going for with this mess. But it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I've never equated Sam Adams as the instant coffee or frozen pizza of beers- that's what Rolling Rock* is there for. I've always considered Sam Adams a reasonably high-end beer-- so why are it's makers trying to convince us that we've always regarded it as tasteless, cheap junk (like instant coffee and frozen pizza?)
*We used to drink this when we weren't of legal age, because it was very inexpensive and even when gasoline was 90 cents a gallon we had to cut corners if we wanted to have a good time on the weekends.**
**No, I'm not old enough to remember when gasoline was 90 cents a gallon, either. Shut up.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Here's an iPhone commercial which commits two sins very common in TV Land-
1. First, it's too damned long. We get what it's about in ten seconds, but it proceeds to go on for thirty. People like using their phones to listen to music. It's not complicated. WE GET IT. We DON'T NEED SIX MORE EXAMPLES OF SELF-ABSORBED MORONS LISTENING TO THEIR PHONES. We GET that the iPhone can be used as a RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE WALKMAN. Can we move on now please?
2. Second, it's pointless. If you have an iPhone, you already know you can download and listen to music on it. If you don't have an iPhone, is this really the feature that is going to get you to finally break down and buy one? Not the forty million Apps? Not the games? I won't even ask about actually using it to call and talk to people- when was the last time that was used as a selling point for any cell phone?
I just love how this woman and her family are living in some fricking palace in the landscaped 'burbs, yet seem to be trying to convince us that she and hubby moved the entire brood to a desert island or the shadow of the D.E.W. Line, and Look How Amazing It Is That We Are Still Connected To Civilization LOL!
I also love how we are supposed to be happy that they are using that Connectivity so...um..."productively." Dad is DOMINATING his fantasy leagues. Daughter is downloading music to her phone. Son is....umm...."doing his homework" by....umm...looking at somebody's generic idea of a "Dinosaur." Yeah, the internet is soooooo vital to this family's daily survival and happiness. WTF-ever, HughesNet.
But I still just can't get past the idea that these people are not exactly living on an orbiting space station or a shack in Upper Mongolia here. So, where the hell are they where they could buy a multi-million dollar home which doesn't have standard (read: good, reliable) internet access? My parents live on a farm in Orange, Vermont, five miles from the nearest...errr, "city," which last time I checked had a population of about 12,000. The pavement ends about two miles from the house, and most of their neighbors are cows. They have phone service and Dish Network, no problem. So where do THESE people live?
Saturday, August 3, 2013
This is Anne. She just got out of school, and she's got a "Freelance Gig." Anne's got a quarter of a million dollars in student loans to pay back, but she's working freelance. Anne's not the the sharpest tool in the shed.
Anne's freelance gig wasn't going very well, so she decided to hit Best Buy for "all the Samsung products she needs." In other words, Anne decided that the reason she wasn't getting enough gigs to begin paying off those student debts was that she didn't have enough expensive electronic crap. So she did what most people do when they find themselves with a large amount of debt and a small amount of money coming in - she accumulated more debt.
(Personally, I already have "all the Samsung products I need." Which is to say, I don't own any Samsung products.)
Now that Anne has dug herself a deeper financial hole with a visit to Best Buy, she'd better start raking in the cash, because it sure looks like she's run out of excuses. But what the heck, if all those new Samsung products don't make her more productive, I'm sure they at least make her downtime between gigs a lot more fun. And she "needed" them, after all.