Thursday, August 22, 2013
I don't remember grandma having a Chocolate Wonderfall, but I'm sure she did.
Who's got comfort food like grandma used to make? Who's got food like people used to actually cook before they got pathetically lazy like us? Why, the answer is America's Favorite Feeding Trough, Golden Corral, of course!
Remember when your grandma used to serve up endless piles of pot roast, fried chicken, orange macaroni and cheese? Remember the mountains of tasteless mashed potatoes and sludge gravy? And remember how every Thanksgiving she'd put out a vat of drumsticks and another of sliced rubbery cranberry sauce? Remember that?
Remember how you'd eat so many rolls, using the last couple to sop up that gravy- you'd have to unbutton your pants? That was awesome. How can we get those days back? What's the matter, being morbidly obese effect your hearing? I told you already- Golden Corral!
And this is even better than grandma's place- here you can end your night of binge eating by sticking marshmallows, cookies and your fingers into Hershey's chocolate syrup and give yourself a nice little energy boost (you'll need it to prevent your slipping into a diabetic coma, fine at grandma's but kind of hard when people expect you to drive home later) by shoving your hand into a cotton candy machine!! You'll feel like a kid again- a big, fat, disgusting kid with no pride, dignity or common sense!
And when you are finally done shoving all the greasy, cheap warm food which kind of reminds you of the stuff grandma used to make (please don't say so out loud, we don't need grandma spinning in her grave or coming back to haunt you for desecrating her memory) down your cake hole, you'll feel Comfortable knowing that while your night of Comfort food did plenty of unseen damage to your internal organs, it went pretty light on the wallet. Around ten bucks- awesome! We don't have to make this an annual thing, kids! We can gorge ourselves on meat loaf, fried shrimp (is there any other kind?) and macaroons on a regular basis!
And here's another Comforting thought- back when you went to grandma's place, you followed dinner with a lot of dish-washing and maybe some yard work or a game of touch football or a walk in the park. Now you can just go home and get back to your Netflix account or catch up on what was recorded on your DVR. Like I said before- Better than a trip to Grandmas!