That Trump Watch Controversy- hand me the box of Kleenex

 

1.  "I liked it because it had the same look as a Rolex Band..." first, how would you know what a Rolex band looks like when you've obviously been purchasing your watches in the Walmart "jewelry" aisle (when it's for a special occasion, like a wedding or a night out at the Golden Corral?)  Oh right, you think it "has the same look as a Rolex Band" because that's what the infomercial told you, and because the voice was that of your Dear Leader From Whom All Blessings Flow, it must have been true.

2.  "I thought that the watch would have the same integrity as the President...." oh, it does, Disappointed Customers.  Exactly the same level of integrity, and not one bit more.  Well, actually, once your watch stops working (any day now) it will still be right twice a day, which is more than you can say for the sexual predator/convicted felon/serial grifter who pitched it to you.

3.  Do I feel even the slightest bit sorry for anyone who sent $650 in for a gaudy piece of junk because it (was supposed to have) Donald Trump's name on it?  No, because Fools and their Money and all that.  I don't care if these people complain about the cost of eggs in the next breath after whimpering that they spent "hard-earned money" on a trinket that lets their neighbors know that they are in the thrall of cult leader who know they are stupid, celebrates that they are stupid, and enjoys nothing more than kicking them in the face to hear them reply "thank you sir may I have another?"*

*You may, indeed, have another.  And another.  And another.  There are still Trump bibles and Trump knives and a thousand other bits of nonsense actually stamped with this clown's actual name that you can purchase to show how....um...."Patriotic"  you are, if "Patriotic" is Latin for "lacking functional brain cells."

Repair Now, Pay Later, Pay More, Stay Poor

 

Here's how this super-helpful company provides "peace of mind" to poor people who live every day with the fear of sudden car repair bills- they offer a plan which stretches repayment options out months or years Just Sign Here Never Mind The Interest Rate You Want Your Car Don't You?

So a poor person whose credit is so lousy that they can't even carry a credit card can use his job as his credit (a phrase I'm sure he's used to from all those trips to the Buy Here Pay Here car dealerships and Payday Loan and Check Cashing offices) and for as little as zero down and an Arm and a Leg in interest can get that car fixed and back on the road in no time.  Yes, you're going to be making bimonthly payments ultimately amount to 2 or 3 times the actual cost of the repair but that's something you can worry about once you are back in the good graces of the credit industry, which will happen as soon as your investment in Powerball tickets finally pays off (it's just a matter of time, law of averages after all.)

This would be funny if it wasn't so sad, but I can't even work up a good closing line for this post.  Let's all just keep on keeping on, I guess, and be glad we're not this guy (if we aren't already this guy.)

FanDuel and that Other Manning Guy

 

This guy won two Superbowl rings and earned tens of millions of dollars as a player and celebrity endorser, but the Greatest Day of his Life was when he won the "Kick of Destiny 3" challenge sponsored by a scammy gambling app.  I guess this is supposed to be funny or entertaining and not at all cringe; we for sure are not supposed to think for even one minute about the people whose lives are being ruined engaging in this "innocent fun."

Eli Manning, Peyton Manning, David Ortiz, Kevin Hart, Jamie Foxx, Stephen A. Smith...you are money vampires, and therefore Suck.  Also because you are vampires, you've got blood all over your hands.  But I'm sure the extra handful of money to throw on the already-massive pile is worth it.  Right?

ESPN News, ESPN Bet, and the wonders of Cognitive Dissonance

From ESPN:

Houston Astros right-hander Lance McCullers Jr. said he and his family were the subjects of death threats made on social media after he allowed seven runs as part of a 10-run first inning for the Cincinnati Reds on Saturday night.

A team spokesperson said the Astros notified the Houston Police Department and Major League Baseball security about the threats.

"I understand people are very passionate and people love the Astros and love sports, but threatening to find my kids and murder them is a little bit tough to deal with," McCullers said. "So just as a father, I think there have been many, many threats over the years aimed at me, mostly, and I think actually one or two people from other issues around baseball actually had to go to jail for things like that. But I think bringing kids into the equation, threatening to find them or next time they see us in public they're going to stab my kids to death, things like that, it's tough to hear as a dad."

Notice what is NOT mentioned here (or anywhere in the full article, please feel free to check it out on ESPN.com?)  Any hint that the death threats may be coming from gamblers who have lost money betting on McCullers' appearances on the mound.  No, those threats just couldn't be coming from people who have lost money - they must be from people who "love sports" and "love the Astros" and are just "passionate" about the game.  

Why can't ESPN even acknowledge the gigantic, multi-billion dollar elephant in the room? Well, how could they?  It's a major revenue stream.  And as we all know, it's very easy for people to ignore something obvious if their income depends on their ability to ignore that something. 

Sooner or later, ESPN BET and all of the other gambling platforms- as well as the celebrities who pimped out their credibility to pitch this life-ruining addiction and major league sports across the board- will have blood on their hands and will certainly respond with raised hands, a Pikachu face and a lame "nobody saw this coming, thoughts and prayers" bit of legal boilerplate.  Because in the end, Capitalism is the only real morality and after all check out the very, very fine print at the bottom of all of these commercials.  Butt, Covered.

What the Dick's??

 

1.  Am I supposed to know who this young woman is?  I looked it up, and it turns out that she's an Olympic Gymnast.  Ok.  I'm going to ask again- am I supposed to know who this young woman is?

2.  Am I supposed to believe that a black guy working in the shoe section at a Dick's Sporting Goods would quickly recognize an Asian Female Gymnast like she's LeBron James or Pat Mahomes?  I can suspend disbelief for some advertisements but this is a bridge too far, and we're not even at the worst part of the ad yet.

3.  This woman can do a back flip.  So can this guy, who I'm going to go out on a limb and guess is not an Olympic Gymnast.  She responds to his feat by saying "that's cute," and then enlists CGI to defy gravity and show us once again that American Television is more than willing to toss physics aside in the service of showing up a guy in a contest* with a woman.

What is this ad trying to sell me again?

*a contest he didn't even know he was in.  Without being prompted, this woman just barged in on a guy's work area and did a back flip.  So he showed he could do one too.  Instead of just acknowledging that he could do a blackflip, she decided to use computer magic to grind him into the dirt where I guess he belongs for daring to be able to do a backflip.  Where is the part where I'm supposed to be inspired to buy sneakers or anything else from Dick's Sporting Goods?  I mean, what the hell?

Hey look it's another scummy Home Warranty Ad!

 

This one features the recently-passed George Foreman, who was worth more than $100 million when he died and did not need the check he got shilling for this lousy business, and certainly didn't need to worry about paying for home repairs.  The people who buy in to this nonsense non-coverage certainly DO have to worry about sudden repair bills, and the very last thing they need is to be throwing money away on trash like "Home Warranties" which turn out to be every bit as worthless as Car Warranties (which, by the way, are no doubt sold by the same companies.)

Foreman sold his image to fake not-Medicare insurance, too, proving once again that for some people there is simply no such thing as Enough Money.  I hope he enjoyed the quick payday and it landed with a splash when he threw it on the pile.  Wherever he is, it's doing him precious little good now, isn't it?  Meanwhile, yeah, those appliances will break and that roof will leak.  I suggest a dedicated bank account to deal with such emergencies.  I also suggest you ignore ads like this, regardless of which electric grill salesman is doing the pitching.  

Ford Chose...poorly....*

 

Stellantis- the multinational umbrella corporation for Chrysler which has owned Jeep since 1987 (did you get all that?) produces some of the very worst-rated motor vehicles sold in the United States.  They are built entirely or almost entirely within the United States, which I guess allows Stellantis to peddle their purchase as some kind of patriotic act, complete with a very expensive spokesperson who actually owns a Jeep (along with a lot of other vehicles he can drive when that Jeep is in the shop. Very relatable.)

Besides producing this overpriced crap (the Grand Cherokee seems to be a particularly buggy model) and fending off class-action lawsuits from angry customers, Stellantis also produces such notorious garbage as Fiat and Alfa Romero- all gloss and glitter, no dependability.  The company has become a punchline among car enthusiasts the way Ford (the company, not the actor*) was in the 1970s, 1980s, 1990s...oh heck, it's still a punchline.

*come to think of it, Harrison Ford's last big release was Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, which bombed hard, suggesting that he's no better at choosing film products than in choosing all-terrain vehicles.  I bet the check for doing this ad is more than enough to pay the repair bill when the next piece of plastic on that Jeep breaks, though.

This Wendy's Baconator Ad makes me the opposite of hungry

 

I could go all day, every day, without seeing repeated close-ups of these idiots- or ANY idiots- aggressively biting into greasy hamburgers as if some vendetta against bread and meat is being settled. Why are they attacking these cholesterol delivery systems rather than simply eating them?  And why did one of these guys arrive with the burgers as if he committed a heist instead of just making a quick run to the Wendy's drive-thru?  And who thought that showing these guys attacking their "food" to the sound of orchestra riffs would be entertaining or interesting or make the product look one bit less repulsive?? 

 

Why do they both look so angry?

Why are the bots in the comment section even more obvious than usual?  I mean, come on.  Nobody thinks this ad is good.  Nobody.

So many good questions.  No good answers.

I have a job for this Apple Intelligence Clean Up Photos Option

 

I would like the option to zoom in on this commercial, touch the screen, and have it completely erased from my memory forever.  I didn't ask for this, I don't want this, and I know I'm going to see it again so I'll have to make repeated use of that option because someone over at Apple thought that this was a good idea.

What the actual hell am I even watching this person do?  Why is the other person taking these photos?  Why is the subject of the photos so irritated that the person who managed to hold down her lunch while taking them accidentally showed up in one?  What is the plan once the photos have been taken?  Can I assume they are going to be shared because Everything Is Shared?  But why?  Is that just a dumb question only a Boomer would ask?

I just can't with this ad.*  I need it explained to me, yet I don't want it explained to me.  I'm just going to go outside and shake my fist at a cloud instead.  

*and yes, I know why the comments are turned off.  I'm sure the level of hate was ridiculous and I would not have contributed in any way; I don't care about the sex or gender of these people because it doesn't matter.  This is a garbage ad regardless. 

That Bud Light Superbowl Commercial: Dead Men Drinking

 

Apparently this is why men* work five days a week in offices doing Important Things for Important Companies from roughly the time they are 25 until they are in their mid-60s:  So they can spend their weekends sitting in folding chairs in their driveways drinking watered-down swill until inspired to do something even more pointless and stupid and time-wasting, probably by a combination of the slight beer buzz they are getting,  sun stroke, and a generally lack of interest in anything beyond that cul-de-sac.

So we get a kind of mini-riot in which leaf blowers are used to shoot cans at the houses of the equally vacuous neighbors who of course are instantly shaken out of their Suburban Comas to commit their own acts of vandalism until finally settling down to an afternoon of grilling, drinking and trying not to remember that time in college when they actually thought that their lives might have some level of meaning.  Peyton Manning shows up because of course he does; this is a commercial on American Television running during a sporting event and I'm pretty sure his presence is required in the FCC code.

On Monday morning all of these guys will climb into their Range Rovers, Audis and F-150s and head back to the office for another week of doing Whatever It Takes To Pay for This.  And so it goes.  Until the sweet embrace of death comes for them and nothing of value is lost. 

*I am well aware that we live in a two-income economy, but I also know that in Commercial Land the guy is still the main breadwinner and especially in beer commercials women are just props.  

The Buick Enclave: America's Favorite Money Vampire

 

With its sleek styling and eye-catching extras like Driver and Google Assist, built-in GPS, heated seats, steering wheel, seatbelts, dash, glove compartment and sun visors (probably, why not) as well as screens everywhere you look, the Buick Enclave will impress your friends every minute it is in your driveway and not at the Dealership getting something else fixed- in other words, roughly three weekends a month. 

With a base model (stripped down, including NONE of the things mentioned in the above paragraph) price of only $45,890 you don't need to be among the One Percent to "own" one of these ridiculous, overengineered beauties.  You just need $4999 due at signing and convenient monthly payments of $679 a month for sixty months,*  assuming you qualify for the low low advertised APR...which would make you among the One Percent.  

Otherwise, we can get you into this Wannabee LookAtMeMobile for that $679 a month, we'll just stretch it out over 72 months, don't worry it looks exactly the same in your driveway, there's no way your neighbors will know.  Your mechanic might eventually notice that he's been working on the same obnoxious piece of Foolish Vanity like clockwork for seven years but who cares what he thinks, he probably drives a Toyota or something else Sensible, the Loser. 

With only five active recalls and minor, barely-worth-mentioning common complaints such as engine cooling issues, engine electrical issues, squeaking or grinding brakes, and the minor, expected-in-all-models early transmission rebuild or replace, this Buick will be the gem of your neighborhood.  And on those occasions when you actually have it out on the road, those screens are a great distraction from a heater that doesn't heat and AC that doesn't cool.  

Remember, in Buick commercials Buick owners are always asking "where's the Buick?" or saying "let's take the Buick?" because when you own a Buick you are constantly reminded it's a Buick.  I mean, the name is right there on top of the work order and the monthly payment.  

*by the way, you can easily find ten-year old versions of this model for as low as $7300 on the used car market.  Makes you think about little thing called Depreciation, doesn't it?  If not, let me quickly break it down for you:  If you bought this Buick new in 2015 for $26000 and paid it off in $360.99 per month installments over the course of six years, in 2021 you'd own a car that four years later would be worth $7300.  If that sounds like a good deal to you, then paying $499 a month for six years for a 2025 model instead of $7300 for the 2015 probably sounds good too.**  So go for it.  I'm just glad you don't handle my money.

**And I'm not even going to mention the difference in insurance rates when comparing a 2015 Buick to the 2025 model.  I think I've made my point.

Remember Hydroxycut? Well, you don't have to. It's still around.

 

Full disclosure: I have no idea who Heidi Montag is.  I guess she's some kind of "influencer?"  But who the hell isn't?  I don't care.

This stuff has been around FOREVER (at least twenty years.)  The company that developed it went bankrupt back in 2005 and the formula* and brand name was purchased by another entity which continues to make ads featuring people celebrating their weight loss with Hydroxycut.  This stuff is available in the supplement aisle of a lot of stores, dangerously close to actual medications backed up by actual clinical studies.  So even if you never see any of these commercials you might be convinced that this is a weight loss drug approved by doctors and just blonde girls in bikinis with zero credentials.

*the formula is olives, mint, and coffee.  There's a "non-stimulating" version that doesn't have any coffee.  There are no other "active ingredients" in this Basically a Placebo.  Which is the most positive thing I can say about it- at least, it doesn't seem capable of doing any harm except to your bank account.  But if you really want to lose weight, why would you waste time with this nonsense?   

Probably a quick comment on this Indeed Commercial

 

Or, more accurately, a few quick comments:

1.  You can tell that this is a fairly old commercial where we have a woman thinking that she's going to effortlessly jump from one high-paying job to another.  Thing is, it's from 2021, and the United States was just starting to come out of the pandemic and the job market was even worse than it is now.  And why is nobody here wearing a mask?

2.  Like all Indeed Commercials, the disgruntled worker or unemployed person at the center of the narrative thinks that an invitation to interview = a job.  Last time I checked, interviews did not come with any pay at all.  If I was paid for every interview for a teaching position I had in the early 1990s, I could have retired without ever starting an actual teaching career.  That would have been nice, actually.

3.  I can't help wonder if this woman's "I'm actively seeking a job at another company while drawing a paycheck from my current company" attitude might be one reason why she keeps getting turned down for a promotion.  Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy?  Maybe the guy who got the job ISN'T constantly updating his resume on Indeed and Monster and LinkedIn and actually oh,  I don't know, just EARNING HIS PAYCHECK?

4.  I also can't help wonder if this woman has ever just come out and told the Suits who run her company that if she doesn't get a promotion, she's going to walk.  If you are really valuable to your employer, this can actually be a pretty effective way of getting what you want.  Standing there with a tight thin fake smile and tearing-up eyes before checking your phone for an exit ramp might not be.  Just a thought.  Four thoughts, as it turns out. 

Debt Consolidation Loans are getting weirder by the day

 

 I have never in my life been as excited about anything as Kevin is about shifting debt from one creditor to another.  If this clown is going to dance on the street at the news that he's been approved for yet another debt consolidation loan which allows him to put off being an adult about his money issues for a few more years, I can't even imagine how he'd react to actually being financially stable.  

The Ford F-150 is a huge serving of Cope

 

As I've always suspected, the vast majority of these trucks are not being used for any of the purposes shown in the ads.  Almost NOBODY is using these trucks to haul tools and bags of 'Merican Stuff, tow, or crash through sand dunes and forests for "fun."  Instead, they are being used to haul groceries home from Costco and children to and from soccer practice; in other words, they are just SUVs designed to look like those vehicles blue-collar people used to own for work. 

For some reason, people living in suburbs want to project an image of rugged individualism and adventure.  They want their neighbors to think that they have hobbies that require the hauling of tools and materials and enjoy the Great Outdoors and need a $70,000 truck to Just Live Their Lives, so they need a truck with an average monthly payment of $700* over the course of 72 months and can afford the inflated maintenance and insurance that comes along with these ridiculous ornaments to conspicuous consumption.  An SUV might convince the guy across the street that you have money, but it won't sell him on the idea that an actual virile American Man lives in your house.   You need a truck for that, even if you never use it for any of the tasks you saw in the commercial because after all, it looks like that stuff creates dents and scratches and those don't show well either even though they would be evidence that you actually use your truck to do all that rugged and fun stuff.  See the problem here?

Back in the 1960s, a lot of young people gave societal expectations the middle finger by purchasing Volkswagen Bugs and Vans- cheap, ugly vessels that got them from Point A to Point B and told the world that their owners weren't buying in to Consumerism.  I think that the current version of Minimalism is people who ride bikes** to work or drive beaters (I own a 2-door 2011 Honda Civic.)  But YouTube is overflowing with horror stories of mostly young people being buried by car payments (at high interest rates) because they signed up for new cars that cost more than my entire college career with monthly notes higher than my rent.  All to show well for their neighbors and friends.  It's scary and dumb and more than a little entertaining (sorry) but it shows how desperate so many people are to project Economic Success while sabotaging their ability to attain it. 

*Trucks are the most popular Lease vehicles in the United States.  You think anyone is going to lease a truck and then plow it through the forest or toss anything heavier than a case of Diet Coke in the back of it?  Yeah, sure Jan.

**I'm referring to the people who ride bikes that DON'T cost $5k.  People who spend more for their bikes than I spent for my Civic are just flexing in a different way. 

Coors Light and Wedding Ceremonies; what could go wrong?

 

So maybe the bride and groom wouldn't really appreciate the ceremony being interrupted by two members of the wedding party suddenly handing out cans of beer, no matter how much the gesture was appreciated by the guests who decided not to wear hats or use umbrellas despite the fact that this particular event is taking place under a blazing sun and it's heavily implied that it is very very hot out.  Maybe they'd rather NOT have the exchange of vows interrupted by the spray of shaken beer or have their moment (or, to be more honest, HER moment) contest for attention by the guzzling of watered-down beer.

Maybe if the bride and groom wanted the guests drinking beer during the ceremony, they would have planned a much more laid-back event including a touch football game afterwards, as one of my older brothers almost fifty years ago.  They wouldn't have set up this cliche'd nonsense outdoors in a place with no shade in the middle of the summer with guests wearing full suits and dresses desperate for the whole painful thing to just Be Over Already.

But I don't know if this is worse than most of the other TV Commercial Weddings I've seen in the past few years, with everyone on their iPhones instead of paying attention to the two people ruining a perfectly lovely afternoon for dozens of people who would rather be doing pretty much anything than watching them pledge to temporarily live together and file jointly.

This Pizza Hut Campaign Launch is even worse than most

 

So I'm guessing that this clown, chosen after weeks or even months of screen tests with thousands of aspiring "actors" in the LA area, will be featured in a series of ads for very cheap-yet-overpriced carbohydrates in which he offers boxes of grease to random strangers just trying to live their lives.  Like the two guys playing basketball in this ad; who asked this obnoxious jerk to interrupt their exercise with blood-sugar spiking, inflammatory crap?

I know Pizza Hut won't listen to this, but I'm going to say it anyway:  Sometimes a stumble is a good reason to stop and rethink your journey.  This is very dumb and very pointless and your pizza is not worth eating and hopefully nobody who engages in regular exercise would sabotage their efforts at good health by consuming warmed-over poison-in-a-red-and-white-box just because a creep they don't know offered to to them off the street.  I don't want to knock anyone's hustle, but this is bad even for you.  

1st Advantage is to borrow from Peter to pay Paul

 

Gee, I can't imagine how this woman built up a big credit card balance- she seems to spend her money very sensibly, and really seems to be living within her means.  

In all seriousness, though- she took out a debt consolidation loan to pay off her credit cards, and now she's off doing this indoor skydiving thing, which according to a quick Google search generally runs between $50 and $80 for two one-minute sessions.  In other words, she went right back to being stupid with money.  Her VISA card had a zero balance from the time it took her to complete the debt consolidation loan to the time she could book two minutes of indoor skydiving which she calls "more important things" than the interest rate on her credit card which she is back to using. 

I understand that there's a certain personality that is on some level "addicted" to debt.  These are people who can't bear to have zero or low debt and who respond to diminishing totals on the credit card statements with impulse buying.  Paying down debt is such an established part of their routine that they feel kind of lost when there's no balance to stress over.  Maybe this woman is one of that type.  Or maybe she's like 99 percent of people with high credit card balances and is just incapable of managing her credit like a rational adult, or like 100 percent of people in debt consolidation commercials who act as if they won the lottery when they take out a loan to pay off another loan.  Either way, this is both stupid and weird. 

A few questions for State Farm after viewing one of it's moronic Batman/Bateman Commercials

 

1.  So someone in Corporate really thought Batman/Bateman was clever enough to be turned into a series of ads, huh?  Well, after the results of last November I guess I can't blame them- we are an exceptionally stupid country that likes to breathe out of its mouth, so....

2.  Glad to see Jake from State Farm doing anything that isn't stalking Pat Mahomes, I guess.  I have no idea why he's actually in this ad- he has nothing to do in it- but come to think of it, he has nothing to do in any of these ads except give us that smarmy smirk and not sell insurance.

3.  Who in State Farm thought that it would be a good idea to reference what is not only universally considered the worst Batman film of all time but acknowledged as perhaps the worst SUPERHERO movie of all time and one of the Worst Movies of All Time PERIOD?  Nobody in their right mind wants to be reminded of The One With Poison Ivy.   Is this about making us miss Pat Mahomes, or what?

Who are you going reference next, State Farm?  Howard the Duck?  

Audi's Four Rings of Despair "Legacy"

 

These are among the most expensive LookAtMeMobiles on the market, despite having terrible ratings when it comes to regular upkeep.  There's a reason why they are such popular lease vehicles; you can generally expect 2-3 years of problem-free driving before the thing starts to fall out from under you and becomes more intimate with your local repair shop than with the driveway you liked to show it off from. 

Basically, Audi presents a legacy of gaudy cars and gaudier ads littered with buzzphrases like "state of the art technology" and, most hilariously, "quattro all-wheel drive" ("quattro" means "four." You're telling us that this car has four-wheel drive.  "Quattro all-wheel" is just cringey redundancy on a whole new scale.  What else does it have?  Post-Viewing Rear-view mirrors?  Locking Security Doors?  Global Positioning GPS Location Finder View Screens?)

And of course the comment section is filled with comments like "this commercial made me cry" and "best commercial ever" and "I can't wait to sign up for seven years of payments of $1500 a month for the next Audi," etc.  Because bots are a thing and people are really, really dumb.  Dumb enough to buy Audis, even.  

Crowning the King of Depreciation Nation

 

I love reading the comments on this piece of garbage, even though I assume that 90 percent of them are from bots or paid endorsers making a nickel a post.  Of all the SUVs out there, none depreciate in value faster than the Rav 4, and the only way I can think of making this a bigger money pit is by producing a Hybrid Plug-In Model.  

Ok, maybe if it was a straight EV it might be worse.  Either way, you had BETTER like your Toyota RAV 4 because there was a reason the dealership pops champaign whenever one drives off the lot; these things are ridiculously overpriced credit busters that will leave you underwater faster than Jack Dawson after dropping Rose on top of that raft.  Here's a tip:  If you really like these things (and there's no accounting for taste, after all,) lease it and keep the mileage low enough to trade in without penalty when the term expires.  That will give you three years  to develop some sense and maybe even some of that taste I just said there's no accounting for.  I mean, come on- these SUVs are not only marked up to the freaking moon, they are ugly as hell.  It's not a Subaru Solterra- it costs more- and it's not a Nissan Cube (nothing is more painful on the eyes than a car that says "aerodynamics isn't a thing") but it's still an eyesore capable of dropping property values.  If you get one, at least try to keep peace in the neighborhood and keep it in the garage during daylight hours.

This SPAM Commercial is another canary in the coal mine....

 

In case you didn't know, sales of SPAM rise whenever the economy is doing poorly.   They are economic indicators like the spread of Dollar Stores and Pawn Shops.  And when you see actual commercials for SPAM you know that Hormel has its finger on the pulse of the American psyche; we are in trouble, and we know we are in trouble.  Time to stock up on processed pig meat product that can sit on the shelf for years as we fight off roving bands of laid-off tech workers or zombies, or laid-off zombie tech workers.

In the meantime, "served with a side of friends" sounds uber-creepy to me.  Did the guys who came up with the ad campaign for Nutrific write this?

Earnin lets us know: We are in big, big trouble

 

After watching this ad, I feel kind of guilty for ragging on Klarna and AfterPay.  I mean, those are terrible "services" that just encourage people to overspend and pretend that they have more money than they actually have.  But Apps like Earnin aren't terrible.  They are downright scary.

I mean, come on.  If you find yourself getting excited about the opportunity to "get paid" (take out a payday loan, get a cash advance, however you want to call it) every day, your economic situation is so precarious that I really hope that's a comfy, roomy car you have because it's probably where you're going to be living in the near future.  Does Walmart still allow overnight parking?

I'm not trying to be mean here, but Oh My Dog are in trouble if you are in constant need of your paycheck days before it's due to hit your bank account.  I don't know if Earnin is better or worse than using a credit card as a bridge to that next payday, and I wonder if it- like Klarna and AfterPay- has as its target audience people who don't HAVE credit cards.  I don't even know how to find out.  I just know that this is really sad.  Unless of course the reason why you find yourself running short of funds is because you're addicted to Uber Eats and Starbucks in which case you can go to the devil in your own way and I have no pity on you.  

The Woman in this Safelite Auto Glass Commercial...

 

The way she reacts to a crack in her windshield makes me worry about how she might deal with a real crisis.  What would she do if her transmission broke down?  Or, beyond car problems which will always pop up, how about an illness in her family?  Being laid off from her job?  A partner saying goodbye and filing for separation or divorce?  Does she go postal and start shooting up the neighborhood?  Does she throw trash cans through plate glass windows?  Does she start a Tiktok account to share her trauma with the universe?

Simply put, I think it's pretty clear that this woman is not ready to Adult quite yet.  I don't want to be in the car behind her when her Check Engine light goes on if she gets this unhinged over a cracked windshield.  Heck, I don't want to be in the same neighborhood when she sees that the Oil Life is down to 20 percent or that the tire pressure is slightly below optimal.  This woman makes crystal look like Tungsten.  I'm legitimately worried about her.  

Call it the Chevy Equinox VS (Virtue-Signaler,) because really- where's the upside for these things?

 

"With a new Chevy Equinox EV, you can wake up every morning to a full charge."

And with a car with an internal combustion engine, you can wake up every morning with a full tank of gas as long as you got it filled the night before.  And you didn't have to have a charging station installed in your driveway (how much does THAT cost?) 

"With a new Chevy Equinox EV, you can get X amount of miles per charge."

And with a car with an internal combustion engine, you can get X amount of miles per tank.  And there's no searching for a gas station- they are still everywhere, and they'll continue to be everywhere.  And it will take literally seconds to get your car filled with petrol at any of those gas stations.  You won't need to consult Maps or Wayz or Whatever for the closest compatible charging station.  

"With a new Chevy Equinox EV, you can take....um....take your kids places."

Do I even have to bother?  You can do the exact same thing with a gas-powered automobile without any of the concern over having a charging station, finding a charging station, glitches that seem to pop up more and more often with EVs, etc. etc. ETC.

"The new Chevy Equinox.  It's an EV not built by a company owned by a Fascist Lunatic."

Ok, you got me there.

Burger King's version of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous is weird

 

 

"Eating like a King" at BK is like "shopping like a billionaire" at TEMU.  As if members of a royal family are going to be chowing down on greasy, nutrition-deficient, high-fat, high-sugar, overpriced crap at the American Sludge Factory not called "McDonald's."  But if you think that Jamie Foxx gets hyped over FanDuel, Shaq loves shopping at TEMU but appreciates the opportunity to stretch out his payments using Klarna, and Vivica Fox and Danica Patrick are super-pumped over the money they saved at CarShield, I guess you'll believe that King Charles is celebrating his successful cancer treatments with a $5 meal deal he picked up with his BK App and a quick run to the local drive-thru.  My eyes are rolling out of my head. 

Shaq picks up some more blood money, this time with a Buy Now, Pay Later "service"

 

Why the hell is Shaquille O'Neal pitching a Buy Now Pay Later service?  Did his contract with Gold Bond Medicated Lotion end?  Has The General Insurance stopped calling?  Is he really this addicted to quick money available to famous people willing to pitch ANYTHING?  Does he have too much "integrity" to whore for CarShield or Fake Medicare "add on" insurance?

All that being said- there are a lot of "Buy Now Pay Later is Ruining Finances" and "AfterPay, Klarna and other BNPL plans will destroy your life" stories out there.  As a proper curmudgeon, I have just one reply to that:  Claiming that Buy Now, Pay Later destroyed your finances is like saying that the bowl of candy in the breakroom destroyed your diet.   Nobody makes you click that option, you ridiculous, financially illiterate idiots.  

Remember when Mike Tyson wasn't a meme?

 

Heck, if you're a boomer, you probably even remember when "meme" wasn't a meme. 

But being a big professional boxing fan for more than forty years now (I actually got see a boxing card live about 25 years ago, that was a very cool experience) this boomer has no problem remembering when Mike Tyson was one of those athletes whose fame transcended the sport he participated in.  When he was every bit as recognizable as Manning, Mahomes, and Ohtani are today.  When you think about the current state of boxing- with circus acts like Jake Paul taking up as much or even more media space as any of the actual champions (I bet more people can recognize Paul, who has yet to fight an actual boxer who isn't a joke or elderly,* than can recognize Alexander Usyk, the undefeated heavyweight champion of the world,) it's pretty remarkable that there was a time when the face of the heavyweight champion was almost universally known and when films about a heavyweight champion regularly dominated the box office.  How times have changed.

And how the mighty have fallen.  In the mid-1980s, Mike Tyson was making fun, lighthearted commercials for Pepsi.  In the mid-2020s, he's pitching something called "Dr. Squatch" in commercials that can only be made weirder if you watch them without sound (which I did, on big screens at my gym.  I had no idea what I was looking at, except that Mike Tyson was acting like he's acted at least since Lennox Lewis made him look like a bald punching bag back at the dawn of this century- a clown, or a cartoon character, or both. 

*Paul's last joke opponent?  Mike Tyson.  Of course. 

Why 4imprint is a thing

 

Want those clients to use your company again and again?  Well, you could provide quality service at a good price.  But let's face it- that requires effort, and considering your planned profit margin it's probably not especially practical, either.  So give them the next best thing- a coffee mug with the name of your company stamped on it.  Or maybe a beer can cozy.  Or a pen.  That will "wow" them.  For sure.

Want to keep those employees happy?  Well, you could provide decent pay and a pension plan and paid vacations and flexible hours and maybe even bring back that work-from-home option that worked so well during the Bad Times of 2020.  But again- you've got that profit margin to consider, and all that sounds like a lot of effort and expense.  So give them the next best thing- maybe a tote bag with the name of the company they work at stitched into the side.  And I bet they drink coffee, too- so again, maybe go with those mugs.  That stuff will "wow" them.  For sure.  

I will congratulate that grinning idiot woman assuring the panicky other idiot woman that she's "4imprint certain" because she works for 4imprint.  That's a very brave front she's presenting there, and it's almost believable that she doesn't want to put a bullet through her brain and put an end to the terrible disappointment that her life has become.   Sorry, got a little dark there- but come on.  She did NOT go to college planning to land in THIS job.

Campbell's Cheddar Cheese Soup Commercial leaves me with a number of questions

 

So macaroni and cheese in the box isn't easy enough for you?  You're going to just pour cheddar cheese-flavored soup all over macaroni and bake it?  You think that makes it "homemade?"  I mean, sure it didn't arrive at the door via Uber Eats courtesy of a kid on a bike, but still.  Come on.

Speaking of lazy- you're not even going to put that mess into a bowl for your kid?  You're just going to have her eat out of the baking dish trough?  There's got to be a dozen servings there.  And is this the whole meal?  What the actual hell am I looking at here?

This Pepperidge Farm Commercial makes me want to hurt someone

 

(Specifically, the two people in this ad, which is running roughly every ten freaking minutes on several of the televisions at my local Planet Fitness and would probably be even more cringey if I could hear whatever awkward weirdness these two idiots are stammering at each other.)  Fortunately, PF is a No Judgement Zone so they won't throw you out for repeatedly yelling "OH MY GOD GET A FREAKING BOWL!" roughly every ten minutes, either.

This VISA Commercial makes Negative Sense

 

So the sight of a clunky old typewriter in a pawn shop inspires this woman to become a writer?  Is it safe to assume that if this commercial took place in the 1970s, she'd be starting her "writing career*" by purchasing a number of quill pens and jars of ink?  

How long does she think that typewriter is going to last before it needs a new ribbon- and where is she going to find that?  How long is the charm of a noisy, user-unfriendly, heavy chunk of metal with keys that jam every few sentences and a very lame back-erase feature (and another tape that has to be replaced) going to hold up?  How long before this woman remembers that it's 2025 and we've got light laptops and printers now?  How long before she realizes that the stupid typewriter might as well have a disclaimer that reads TALENT NOT INCLUDED?  How long before she realizes that if she wants anyone to actually read her travel journal (instead of the four million travel journals already available on YouTube, Tiktok ,etc.) she's going to have to digitize it anyway, making the whole tappa tappa tappa typing thing just a stupid, pretentious extra step that would impress absolutely nobody even if they were told about it?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go my neighborhood pawn shop (I live in suburban Maryland.  There are at least five pawn shops within a five-minute drive) and pick up a guitar so I can start my career as a rock star.  Because that's how that works.

*I believe it was a Woody Allen character who critiqued the work of a wannabee novelist by remarking "that's not writing, that's typing."  Whoever did say this, he was exactly right; battering away on a typewriter doesn't make one a writer any more than traveling to other countries makes one interesting.  Try harder, lady.

Verizon Fios wants to cash in on unhealthy behavior

 

Obsession(n):  an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on one's mind. 

This, to Verizon Fios, is a GOOD thing.  And Verizon has got you covered, whatever your "obsession," as long as that Obsession involves being immobile on the couch staring at a glowing box and getting no fresh air or exercise or engaging in any actual social activity whatsoever.  

Yeah, we are totally screwed.

I understand nothing about this Burger King Ad

 

As near as I can tell, what we're seeing is four or five Adults of Diversity playing a board game on a table decorated with rapidly-cooling junk food someone brought in (Uber Eats?) from Burger King.  I guess at some point, the black woman has a temporary victory which causes her to go into a little dance, but it's only a temporary victory because at the end we see Not Bryce Howard being crowned with a greasy piece of cardboard so I guess she actually won the game- and meanwhile, that food hasn't been touched at all.  Which means it's cold.  Cold food from Burger King; if this is "ruling," I'll continue to refuse to participate in this political system, thanks anyway.

Seriously, though.  Why is that food even there?  Nobody really seems interested in consuming any of it.  At the end, at least pop the junk into the microwave.  I mean, yuck.

I guess "Land Whale" was taken, Toyota?

 

Can we agree that "Land Cruiser" is the most pretentious name Toyota could possibly have invented to label this more recent version of Gas-Guzzling, Parking-Space Straddling, Bank Account-draining Suburban Grocery Hauler?

I'll give Toyota a little credit for truth in advertising, at least- "Land Cruiser" suggests that this thing is basically a passenger ship that glides over pavement* instead of water.  It's not a car, it's not a truck, it's a freaking Boat.  It doesn't roll, it Cruises.  It's massive.  We get it, Toyota.  And yet, we don't get it at all.  Why IS this even a thing?

*We all know that not one person in a thousand who purchases one of these land-dwelling dirigibles is actually going to get it dirty with intent.  These things are going to be used to bring kids to soccer practice on Saturday and everything else home from Costco on Sunday.  Give me a break. 

That Stupid Golden Corral Commercial, Part III

 

This one really brings me back to those special occasions in which I would receive an invitation from my mom and dad to grace them with my presence at dinner.  I'd get dressed up, call a taxi, and head off to the spot designated on the invite at the specified time, all the while wondering what special event was being celebrated to rate such an event.

In the middle of dinner, mom or dad would make the announcement- usually it involved deciding to change paper towel providers, or getting the car washed, or some other once-in-a-lifetime moment that could only be marked properly with a sit-down meal at a restaurant.  Sometimes the event was tied to the place we were celebrating at- I remember being summoned to the local McDonald's, 6 PM sharp Tuesday Next, to mark the temporary return of the McRib.  And the time we were called to dine at Applebee's to toast the $10 coupon dad got for Applebee's.  Magic Moments.

So I can definitely relate to this ad; it's a real slice of my own life.  I don't get what this kid is saying about "making varsity" or some such, but it's certainly uncouth of him for trying to step on the designated Reason for the Meal- the availability of rubber low-grade beef and microwaved fish-flavored bread crumbs.  What's his deal, anyway?

That Weird Golden Corral Commercial, Part II

 

So in what I have to assume is a desperate attempt to get customers to pay good money for grade-B quality garbage, Golden Corral now allows you to fill up a plate and bring it home so that you can continue to punish your digestive system and heart at your convenience later on.

That being said, I have two things to add about the exchange between the mom and kid in this commercial:

1.  It's bad enough that you are modeling the idea that eating at this pig trough is a good idea, stupid mom.  At least have some level of economic acumen and don't encourage your kid to use the one plate he's got for broccoli.  As cheap as those frozen butterfly shrimp and that "steak" is, they are still more valuable than that green weed.  Let the kid go for the protein, such as it is.

2.  Never in the history of Anything has a kid been this excited at the prospect of eating leftovers.  The only way this makes sense is if the kid is expressing relief at having his order be take-out and being spared the experience of actually sitting in one of these "restaurants" (which, I promise, look nothing like the brightly-lit, spacious, clean sets we see in these ads.)  As bad as that stuff must take when it's freshly microwaved, I don't want to think about what shoe leather it turns into once it starts to cool down.  Hard Pass.

I have less than 99 things to say about the film "99 Homes"

 

First let me say at the very outset that I did enjoy this film; I thought that the acting, with one or two glaring exceptions, was superb and the story was both important and well-told.  The last thing I want to do is throw any shade on attempts to tell tough stories about the reality of the modern economy.  Forty years ago, "Roger and Me" really opened my eyes to the reasons and consequences for the collapse of the middle class.  "99 Homes" I think attempts to do much the same thing- and, as I said, I did enjoy this film- but also fails on a number of levels. 

First- the ethos of the film seems to be that if you are already in a home and you are earnest in your belief that the house belongs to you, missing mortgage payments simply should not matter.  If a bank requires a homeowner to live up to his contract, that bank is Evil and Wrong, especially if the homeowner has a wife and kids or is a senior citizen.  In short, home ownership is a Sacred Right.  I wonder if the writer of this film has the same grace toward renters who don't pay their rent- can we be evicted if we fail to pay?  What if we have children?  Is the right to renege on a contract exclusive to people who buy property?  

Second- Laura Dern's character is just infuriating throughout the whole film.  She lives with her son and grandson and "runs a business" (is a hairdresser) out of the home.  She worries about money when they are forced to move into a motel but makes no effort to get an actual job that would pay a regular salary, being perfectly comfortable to put the entire burden on her son.  Then she rages at her son for taking a job foreclosing homes- a job which will get them out of the motel and back into their home.  Then, when he decides to sell the family home to buy a better one, she flies off the handle, insisting that she wants "their" home back and will not live in the new house.  

Um, the old family home is not yours, lady.  Your son bought it.  He can sell it if he wants.  What is the matter with you?  Why are you acting as if you have a say in this?  But it gets worse- she decides to take her GRANDSON away with her rather than live in the beautiful new house.  Um, excuse me?  How does she have the right to do this?  Isn't this kidnapping?  THAT IS NOT YOUR SON, LADY.  If you "can't" live in the new house, there's the door.  But you don't take the boy with you.  What planet are you from, anyway?

Third- with one exception, every single person who faces eviction in this film is a victim of their own choices, yet acts as if they are under attack by "The Economy" and "The Rich" and "The Banks."  At one point the "bad" guy points out that one couple failed to make their mortgage payments after taking out a stupid loan to add an extension they didn't need.  That improvement could just as easily have been a swimming pool or a Disney vacation- it was a decision to borrow money which must now be repaid, but we are told to be angry at the creditors.  The one exception is the guy at the end who keeps his house because of a technicality (an unfiled legal form) and not because he actually paid his mortgage.  Warms the heart, it does.

I don't know- maybe I'm just getting cold-blooded in my old age, but my empathy meter didn't move much during this film (except for the widowed old guy who got scammed by a reverse mortgage; I felt bad for him.)  Maybe it's because I've rented my entire adult life and even during the great housing fire sale of 2008 I didn't take the jump and tie myself down to 30 years of payments I was not sure I could make.  Am I really supposed to have sympathy for people who have lived in appreciating assets during the same time but for some reason failed to make their payments?  Because I don't.  Someone explain to me why I should.

Michael Shannon is not a villain in this film, Andrew Garfield is not a villain in this film, and Laura Dern is not a heroine in this film (she's just a screechy anchor around her son's neck.  And a kidnapper.)  Ok, I'm done.

This Bizarre Golden Corral Commercial, Part I

 

"I'm sure you're wondering why you brought you here to Golden Corral."

Yeah, is something wrong?  I mean, this place is crap and with the actors being chosen to portray actual customers, and the extras chosen to depict actual customers in the background. and the cleanliness and excellent lighting and the rest, this sure doesn't resemble any Golden Corral I've ever seen.

"It's because the food here is almost frighteningly cheap considering what it claims to be.  Do you know how expensive this would be in an actual restaurant with real health and quality standards that DOESN'T cater to people who wear sweatpants almost exclusively and have BMIs that resemble highway speed limits?"

"My script says I'm supposed to say 'no, I'm only six,' because ad execs still think that's the way six year olds talk."

"Well, it would cost a LOT."

"Since I'm a precocious kid in an American television ad, I'll just throw in 'well, you get what you pay for,' and I didn't imagine that this bland, greasy sludge was particularly hard on your wallet, dad."

In both this ad and the upcoming Part II, the parents act as if they've never heard of this Golden Corral place and are just stunned to find that there's a building calling itself a restaurant where a family can stuff itself with all of the reheated fish sticks, chicken and gravy it can hold down for one low price.  Again, is something wrong here?

That Homeaglow Commercial that didn't land well....

 

Spoiled rotten blonde suburban princess found out that she could save a few bucks by having Homeaglow do the housekeeping she is probably perfectly capable of doing herself, so she happily FIRED her housekeeper.  She didn't "stop looking for housekeepers" or even "let her housekeeper go."  She FIRED her.  Which would mean Unemployment Benefits and other security except that you just KNOW the housekeeper who got fired was being paid under the table (and was probably dependent on a job which involved scrubbing this hideous woman's toilet) and Blonde Wifey Model #37 caused a severe financial crisis when she decided to respond to a clickbait "Super-Cheap Housekeeping Service" ad on YouTube.

"I've done a good job for you, why are you firing me?"

"Because I found a cheaper option.  Say hi to Pepe for me."

"His name's Mario.  I don't know how I'm going to tell him we might have to leave the area to find more work, all his friends go to the school he's in now."

"That's sad.  I bet you can get a job with Homeaglow.  Sure, they won't pay you anywhere near as much as I was, but at least it will be familiar work and Pepe gets to stay in his school."

"Mario.  His name's Mario."  

"I'd love to chat, but I'm late for my MAGA rally.  Hope you and Pepe have an awesome day, and if I don't see you again, good luck in Mexico."

"Nicaragua.  We're from Nicaragua." 

Apple "Intelligence" Commercial shows No Such Thing

 

It's 21st century American television, so of course the main character of this trash is a fat, lazy, clueless white man who isn't even bright enough to know how to pretend to look busy at his cushy office job.  I have to assume he's someone's nephew, because this guy has earned his PhD at Not Giving One Flying Damn University.

After f--king around for I have to assume All Day (and also have to assume As Usual,) Bored Idiot surrounded by Intelligent, Productive Women Not Related to the CEO finally decides to send a text that is so obviously AI-generated brown-nosing (and focuses primarily on shifting responsibility up the chain of command) that it stuns his boss into silence.  Never mind that this only works if the guy who gets the text is less aware than the lump of cells molding it's shape into an office chair more valuable than the employee sitting in it.  I mean, I'm a Boomer and I can recognize AI-generated content.  If the doofus slob wanted his text to be believable, he would have kept it littered with broken syntax and maybe thrown in a few emojis to replace the thoughts he doesn't have in his head.  

This guy is all but announcing over the intercom that he is doing no work, does not know how to do any work, has no interest in doing any work, and responds to requests to do work by attempting to use AI to hand the work off to someone else.  I see no intelligence here, but he might be smarter than the people willing to put up with his nonsense and keep him employed in that office.  Except, of course, that whole nepotism thing.

Buy Now, Pay Later: This couple is so very screwed

 

"Hey honey, it's your turn to vacuum."

"No problem- I bought a $499 Roomba.  No worries, I used CommBank StepPay, so it only costs $125 every two weeks for two months."

"Um, ok.  Oh by the way, remember I recreated my grandmother's meatloaf recipe from scratch last night.  So it's your turn to cook."

"No problem- I ordered Uber Eats, it will be here in a minute.  Just $20 every two weeks for two months.  Easy peazy."

"Um....ok.  Just one more thing.  Where did this new couch come from? I thought we said we were going to hold off on new furniture?"

"That's before I discovered the wonderful world of Buy Now, Pay Later.  This couch is only $200 every six weeks for six months.  We can afford $200!"

"Thanks for reminding me why we have separate bank and credit card accounts, honey." 

Capital One's "Well Deserved" emails: A Quick Rant

 

Full Disclosure:  I have a Capital One credit card.  I use it for big purchases (airplane tickets, hotels, stuff like that.)  I have nothing against credit cards as long as they don't prey on economics-challenged desperate people who are on their way to Payday loans with plastic cards as a temporary way station.  They are useful tools when used correctly.

My only reason for making this post is because this morning I got my daily "Well Deserved!" email from Capital One, which as usual offered to "reward" me with an offer to buy something.  According to Capital One, pretty much everything I "deserve" involves an opportunity to use my card and accumulate debt.  I deserve debt?  I should reward myself with more debt?  This sense no makes.

If Capital One would really like to reward me with something, how about more rewards points or a lower interest rate?  I think I Deserve those things.  

By the way, this commercial was made in 2006.  I bet those actors playing the parents of that fat doofus are dead now.  Maybe fat doofus son is dead too, unless he got that weight under control.  Pardon me for being morbid.  It's Monday, after all. 

Copper Cures Everything?

 

I mean, no wonder it's so expensive.  Copper cures all aches and pains and is just magic, I guess, especially when combined with tight straps and especially when included in rigid material that holds the back in place.

Wait, what?  It's the pressure that eases the back and wrist and knee pain, and not the copper?  Is that why my compression socks help despite the fact that they don't contain any copper?  Or is their lack of copper depriving me of the relief I could be getting?  Could someone explain to me exactly HOW copper is supposed to ease pain- what is it about the chemistry of copper that gives it pain-alleviating properties?  

I still maintain that copper is the Stone in the Soup of Pain Relief.  Pressure increases stability and relieves pain.  Adding copper increases....the price.  And those copper wristbands?  I put them in the same category of placebos, rabbit's feet, etc.-- believing that they work may make it so for some people.

This is using tension to reduce stress, and there's nothing new about the use of back braces.    Considering that a lot of these ads are more than a decade old, there's nothing new about Copperfit's scam, either.

Direct TV's Most Depressing Ad

 

Pigeons may be ugly and dirty and all-around nuisances, but I'll say this for them:  At least they're outside.

Looks like a nice day, too.  But the zombie humans they are spying on are All About The Big Glowing Box and have no time for fresh air and sunshine because after all switching from one show to another- or even watching several at the same time- is so seamless and effortless.  Going outside would require getting up.  Maybe even putting on shoes.  And if the humans here wanted anything to do with that nonsense, they wouldn't be paying hundreds of dollars a month on their TV addiction.  I mean, let's be real here.

Binge away, DirectTV Zombies.  I'm heading out for a walk.  And if it sounds like I think I'm making the superior choice, well, yeah.  I guess I am. 

Hey Jake from State Farm- maybe get back to work?

I'm in the market for a new car; I'll probably be buying one within the next thirty days.  Since I've had rental insurance from State Farm for more than a quarter of a freaking century, I thought I'd give them a call to let them know and get a quote because, you know, this bundling thing and discounts I've been beaten over the head with hearing about Like Forever.

I left a message with my local State Farm agent, whose name I will not mention- THIS time.  I'll try to call again on Monday.  If I can't get someone on the phone or get a voicemail answered, I'll have to assume that Jake is just too busy blowing smoke up Pat Mahomes' ass* to bother with little old Loyal Customer Me.  And I'll have to publicize the name of my asleep-at-the-wheel agent as the reason I called that idiot with the Emu to ask about coverage.  For both my apartment AND my new car, because I'm pretty sure those guys are into bundling too.  

P.S. not one viewer in 100 remembers that Fumblerino skit from the 1990s, and that one didn't want to be reminded. 

*which, to be fair, is probably still pretty sore after being slammed to the turf every few seconds during that big football game some weeks back.

If you need a Voom, you really just need a Broom

 

Seriously, this is a broom with a built-in dustpan which probably has to be emptied just as often as a dustpan.  A broom that costs $60.  I'm pretty sure that I can still get a broom at the local dollar store for under $10 and a dustpan for another buck or two.  

In short, this is just another As Seen on TV waste of money.  Dumb.

Meet the new Audi, but don't get too attached.....

 

1.  Audis are among the very worst automobiles when factoring in maintenance costs, reliability, and fuel consumption.  When they say "this is how much the Audi costs," they mean "this is how much it costs to drive it off the lot."  What they don't tell you is how much it costs to keep it on the road.  If you keep this car for a few years, it's going to be an ongoing expense but I guess maybe it doesn't matter to the targeted audience.  But what about the people who buy this car who aren't in the target audience?  Well....

2.  Audis are also among the most repo'd cars on the market.  Way, way too many people are being suckered into buying one of these LookAtMe Mobiles at interest rates soaring above 20%, falling behind on payments, and having their friendly neighborhood Repo guy show up and tow it back to the dealership (or the bank, if you actually had enough credit to avoid dealership financing.)  Which is kind of ironic, isn't it- you bought the car to show well for your neighbors, and now your neighbors are watching it being hauled off because you've been exposed as a Pretend-Rich Poser.  

--posting as a guy looking at a 2012 Honda Civic with a clean CarFax.  A 2012 Civic that has been repossessed twice.  Could I afford an Audi?  No.  Could I afford a brand-new Honda Civic?  Yep.  But that 2025 Honda Civic isn't built as well as the one manufactured in 2012 and contains bells and whistles that make the insurance on it much, much higher.  Nobody will stare at it at a red light, but seriously who cares?

I see no evidence that iPhone users are legitimately concerned with this

 

If you're so concerned with your privacy, why are you having stupid, loud conversations in public using these things?  Give me a break, you've been exhibiting your narcissism using iPhones for more than twenty years.   NOW you're worried about privacy?  I'm not buying it.

Oh wait.  This is just another pointless add-on designed to convince people that the iPhone they purchased for Xmas is now out of date and "needs" to be updated Just Tap Your Card Here.  Yeah, no.  I'm not buying THAT, either.

Nissan can't give us a single good reason to buy a Rogue. So we get this instead.

 

It's hard to imagine ad actors acting less naturally and more stilted than the ones featured in this ad for....well, let's hold that thought.

I mean, look at them.  Zombie Mom with the stupid smile frozen to her face just keeps talking to her car, asking it to do things she either doesn't really need done (does she really not know where the soccer field is?) or it can't do (what does she mean, "take us to the soccer field?"  It's not a self-driving car.  All it can do is give directions.  Guess what, Zombie Mom?  GPS is available on pretty much every car nowadays)  Oh, and she asks it to remind her to order pizza- something she could have asked Google to do from her phone.

Meanwhile, that stupid kid in the back just keeps laughing at something- from what we see, she seems to be laughing at her mother's constant commands for Google to remind her to blink every few seconds so she doesn't forget.  The kid looks to be a preteen, but not a toddler, and only a very small toddler would find her mother talking to Google and get responses funny.  Even a very small toddler would only find it funny two or three times. 

Let's get back to that first, interrupted thought.  What is this an ad for?  The only thing that is being sold is Google.  Nothing this woman does can't be done using her phone.  Why would anyone buy a 40k car from a rapidly failing company to get the exact same voice-activation assistance available from a refurbished Samsung phone available on Amazon?  And there's absolutely nothing else being pitched to us here- just the super-convenient, and apparently Super Fun, Google On Demand system which might have been revolutionary back in 2015 but is about as groundbreaking as SiriusXM today.

Someone please, tell me what I'm missing here.

What's in your wallet? Debt.*

 

In 2013, the average credit card interest rate was 13%, and anything above 19.9% was a sign that you had run into trouble paying bills and had a poor credit rating.  Today, the AVERAGE credit card interest rate is 26%- exactly double the average rate in 2013.  What happened?

It turns out that Capital One Bank is the main culprit.  In 2016, the world's largest extender of unsecured credit decided to experiment with higher interest rates, gradually raising interest on balances from 13% to 17% to 19% over the course of five years while also investing in glitzy commercials featuring actors, comedians and sports figures pimping the benefits of "cash back rewards," with a special emphasis on the use of credit to small business owners.  

The result?  Use of credit cards exploded even as the cost of using those cards rose.  Capital One had it's answer:  Americans like to spend, can easily be convinced that spending is a positive activity and even analogous to investment, getting one percent "cash back" is worth any amount of spending, and interest rates are basically meaningless.

It didn't hurt that wages continued to remain stagnant when matched up against inflation during the period 2013-present.  To continue to purchase the same thing year after year, more and more people must rely on unsecured loans from banks like Capital One.  And it's so easy- no conversations with judgmental people at the bank, not even a phone call.  Just take out that piece of plastic and you've got your gasoline, groceries or whatever else you want.

Today American adults carry an average of $7200 in credit card debt, $1.17 trillion in all, and that number is going up every quarter.  Much of that debt is on credit cards carrying interest rates of over 30%.  The entire economy is built on this debt- money that is PROJECTED to arrive through electronic transfer to Capital One and other banks- and on this debt GROWING every single year.  Every new product is presented to the public in the hopes that consumers are willing to go into a LITTLE MORE debt in order to possess it.  Which makes advertising more aggressive every single year- aggressive and expensive (you think these celebrities do these ads for free?) 

All of which keeps me busy with this blog.  Which is something, I guess.

*oh, and Fake Status.  Access to over 1300 Airport Lounges?  Who gives a damn?

Doritos Tells On Itself- and proves my previous point- in it's Superbowl Ad

 

1.  How did Doritos tell on itself?  Well, this particular snack "food" might just be the most engineered calorie delivery system in human history.  Everything about it- the shape, the size, the color (both of the chip and the bag,) the levels of crispiness and saltiness- is the result of literally DECADES of laboratory and focus group testing.  The final product is almost flawlessly designed to keep the consumer reaching into the bag until every single speck of every single chip is gone, and to keep the brain demanding more in a very short period of time.  It's edible heroin, basically, which lights up the pleasure center of the brain like a freaking Christmas Tree while providing nothing of value to it or any other organ (but certainly contributing to the growth of adipose tissue.)

So when we get a minute-plus of "this stuff is a scientific miracle" from a comedian who hasn't done anything of value since The Spoils of Babylon more than a decade ago.  

2.  How did this commercial prove a previous point?  Well, the week before the Big Game I noted that two things we could definitely expect from the ads were that they would feature familiar faces- old actors or comedians we had not seen for a while,*  and that they would be wildly overproduced.  This ad checked both boxes.  

*the most egregious example of nostalgia bait was, of course, the awful "homage" to When Harry Met Sally.  I don't think I can even touch that one; it was SO cringey, SO obvious, and SO uncalled for I think I might just have to leave it alone.  Even I have my limits.