After you've nearly died of cringe watching two multimillionaires giggle like teen girls over the prospect of $200 of "free bets" for $5, you can check out this excellent video showing how these "Sports Book" apps REALLY operate. And you can contemplate how a Betting App which bleats constantly about how its customers WIN WIN WIN manages to stay in business if all the money is flowing one way.
Of course, the money DOES flow one way. Into the pockets of the company which made the app, which then buys the souls of ex jocks and crap comedians and a majority of Congress and pretty much everyone else who just wants their share of the thirty pieces of silver (and a lot more) being gathered up by these vultures.
If you have SiriusXM, you've certainly heard ads for Medishare and you probably already know what I mean when I say they are among the cringiest commercials we've ever heard.
The guy in the ad has this bland smiling cadence to his voice that just screams Youth Pastor as he tells us how much people just loooove Medishare- not because it saves customers "hundreds of dollars a month, on average three hundred dollars a month" but because it's a "community" of people with "Christian Values" who, when you call, will "offer to pray with you." (Personally, if I call an insurance company to ask a question about health coverage, or to file a claim, or to dispute a rejected claim, and am asked if I want people to pray for me, I know I'm totally screwed.)
It sounds like Medishare is fine as long as your doctor is In Network and a real hassle if he isn't- which is exactly like all other insurance works. Except, I'm willing to bet serious money that relatively very few doctors are In Network when it comes to Medishare. I may be wrong, but considering that I've never met anyone who has Medishare and I've never seen Medishare listed as a health insurance accepted by any doctor I've ever been to...yeah, actually I don't think I'm wrong.
And again- "when you call, we'll offer to pray with you..." Such a red flag. I can pray for myself. I don't want my mechanic to offer to pray over my car. If I'm in a plane I don't want to the pilots to pray during severe turbulence. And I don't want my health insurance to "pray for me." I want Medishare to act like any other insurance company- do their very best to deny coverage whenever possible and bury me in jargon and red tape when I try to get a bill paid. That I can understand.
It's a gambling app that skirts the already virtually non-existent anti-gambling laws by calling itself a "Futures Market." A gambling app that sells itself with stupid commercials designed to befuddle and flummox and and cause the viewer to chuckle and think about pretty much anything EXCEPT the fact that it's selling a life-ruining addiction as "fun."
Yes, I know what Kalshi is. And yes, in 2026 it really is Totally Normal. More's the pity.
And there's nothing sadder than a guy dealing with a broken date with a night of staring at his phone screen and tapping to earn "coins" of whose worth, I am proud to say, I have absolutely no concept.
Maybe this guy's girlfriend was able to get her boyfriend's intense ugliness, but not his sad addiction to playing stupid gambling-adjacent games on his phone? Well, at least when she turns him down, he won't have to hock that ring behind her back.
Yeah, I have no mercy for the actors who are willing to appear in ads pitching this garbage. And - Ryan Secord? He's still a thing? Well, considering that he's in ads for Chumba Casino, I guess the answer is "No?"
It's not funny enough that the woman in this ad is listing suggestions of all the things one could do if they were suddenly handed $10,000. I think we were aware already. She has to include "pay down that payday loan" as one of the options. Yeah- pay down that payday loan with....another payday loan.
And if you got that quick $10,000 loan from Western Sky, you'd pay back $743.49 for eighty-four months, a total of just over $62,000. There's credit card expensive, pawn shop expensive, payday loan expensive, loan shark expensive....and Western Sky expensive. Which means that the people who applied for money from Western Sky had either burned through all of those other options, or actually thought that Western Sky was a better deal. Neither is a good sign.
So...how did things work out for these customers before Western Sky was shut down in 2013 under an avalanche of lawsuits and government investigations for violations of usury laws?
The word of the year is Affordability. The phrase of the year is Affordability Crisis. The mood of the year is Exhausted if it isn't Just Plain Scared.
None of this is going to stop Capital One from giving us another year of Jennifer Garner and her friends zipping around the world seeing Amazing Things in between drinking white wine from comfy chairs in exclusive Capital One airport lounges, putting everything on Capital One cards which earn Big Big Points Rewards for people who spend as much money on them as, say, Jennifer Garner.
This is almost as tone-deaf as the Lexus December to Remember Ads which will start showing up between Halloween and Thanksgiving. Almost.
I don't know how much that first woman loves coffee. Her refrigerator is filled with Coffee Mate and nothing but Coffee Mate, like she experienced a supply line trauma during COVID and will never, EVER let that happen again. So she either has a separate fridge JUST for Coffee Mate or it is the only thing she consumes in her own home. Judging from her girth, I have to assume it's the former.
I also don't know why the guy reading the ad is getting so fake-exasperated with his inability to read the script without being interrupted. Dude, it's not funny. We get the point of this ad ten seconds in, yet it goes on. And on. And on. Has to be a Superbowl ad. Only a Superbowl ad is this over-produced.
In the end, I don't see anyone actually enjoying coffee- not that first woman, not the abominable snowman/bigfoot hybrid at the end. I see a lot of people obsessed with fatty sweat creamer. Coffee seems to be the thing they use to add a little dash of caffeine to their glass or mug of fatty sweat creamer. That's fine- I mean, it's your life- but this has nothing to do with "enjoying coffee" in my book.
We start off with David being annoyed that he has to ask his dumb, expensive toy to turn the lights on TWICE. Because David is ridiculous, and because nobody told David that he didn't need to buy that stupid expensive toy and could have turned the lights on by flipping a freaking switch. But David wants to be cutting edge and he wants to bitch about it, so here we are.
I guess David can't tell his coffee maker to operate- maybe he just wasn't willing to risk having to ask twice- so he walked down the street and tried to buy coffee at the shop. Because we are forever jousting with straw men here, David goes to the only cafe in the world where a robot actually creates your coffee for you and is again disappointed by technology. Hey David, how many coffee shops run by actual humans did you walk past so you could make that cross you're carrying a little heavier?
David finally arrives at Chase, and he's there for all of three seconds before an attractive young woman walks up to greet him and guide him into an office to talk about David's Money. He must be a new client. She sits with him at a desk featuring a big computer display reading David's Goals in huge letters because everyone in this commercial is five years old. And BECAUSE David is five years old, he has exactly two goals- a new car, and a vacation.
David is a dunce who already is carrying around an Attitude concerning the minor burdens he's given himself to carry, and now he's told Chase that his real problem is that he doesn't have any actual plans for navigating the future, he just wants Christmas to come early. Personally, I'd be ashamed to tell my broker that my "goals" are to go on a vacation and buy a new car. Hey David, how about planning for retirement?
What we don't see is the broker telling David that the best way to plan for his stupid spending goals is to cut back on the purchase of dumb, showy electronics and $8 coffees and to learn how to turn on his own damn lights and make his own damn coffee. What a knob you are, David.
1. The reason why Sports Gambling "is now available in all fifty states" is because the Supreme Court struck down an attempt to pass an online gambling ban in 2018 and the states then realized that taking a stand against online gambling was not worth it when weighing it against the lost revenue as their own residents simply crossed state lines to gamble.
2. Know how the AI "associate" connected to your DraftKings account always reacts when you lose a lot of money? It sends you condolences- and free money to gamble with. Say you lose $500 betting on the NFL one Sunday. The next morning, as you get up to spend another week at the job that more and more only exists to feed your addiction and maybe are reflecting on how maybe-just maybe- you should just delete that app from your phone that is robbing you of your financial security, you get a notification on your phone from an AI saying something like "looks like we* had a rough week- these things happen! Here's $100 in credits to show we care!**" Your connection is your friend, y'all!
*"We" didn't have a rough weekend. The gambler did. DraftKings had a GREAT weekend, because a GREAT weekend for DraftKings REQUIRES a bad weekend for a majority of its customers.
**DraftKings understands that there are people out there who really do consider getting professional help to stop gambling after suffering a heavy loss. They really DO care about these people, and want to cut that idea of getting Woke Soft Liberal Counseling out of the thoughts of their customers FAST. A quick $100 or so in free "money" to gamble with is worth it to keep the addict addicted.
Enjoy the games today, brought to us by Every Online Gambling App Out There.
Since she seems to be at a college football game, and college football games are played almost exclusively on Friday night or Saturday, and it's not nighttime, your boss "Jeff" expects you to work on the weekend and you have to come up with a lame excuse to have a life outside of work?
Next time, don't call in sick. Just tell Jeff that you will not be working this Saturday because you plan to attend a football game- no, actually, leave that part out. Just say you wont' be working this Saturday. It's none of Jeff's damn business why.
If Jeff calls you on a day you've taken off, don't answer the phone. You work for Jeff; he doesn't own you. NEVER answer your phone when it's your job and you are not at work. When you do, you are letting your job commit time theft and trust me, Jeff will not be giving you brownie points. He expects you to answer because in the past, you've always been a good corporate doggie.
If you do answer the phone out of force of habit, don't project the mannerisms of a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. You and Jeff are both adults, and Jeff is not your Dad, and you are not a child. If Jeff asks where you are, tell him that you are NOT at work and that is all Jeff needs to know. Stand up for yourself, you ridiculous cringing simp.
Oh, and your Social Media? Get over your Main Character Syndrome- not because it might hurt you on the job, but because you are nothing special and nobody really cares what you are doing 24/7. But for chrissakes stop acting like you were "caught" being "naughty" by going to a freaking game. What the hell is with people these days?
I don't blame Oregon for rolling up the score- after two poor performances, one of which they lost, they fell from No. 6 to No. 21 and the only chance they have of getting back into the Playoff is by bombing out as many opponents as they can for the rest of the season. That's the sad nature of the ranking system- it heavily discourages removing good players from the field when the game is out of reach. It's why we see starting quarterbacks still in the game when their team is up 50-0 with five minutes left. Beating unranked teams by four touchdowns or more is kind of required, especially if you've knocked yourself out of the top 12 with an actual LOSS against one.
That being said, there is ZERO excuse for the preening and posing and celebrating while beating up an obviously outmatched team. This is NOT required by the ranking computers. Oregon doesn't get any more consideration because it's players danced after scoring yet another touchdown against a local squad manned by kids who are NOT playing for a spot in the playoffs, let alone for the eyes of NFL scouts.
This would be like NFL players celebrating every score in a game against a High School squad. Disgusting behavior. Oregon should be ashamed. Yes, win the game and win it by as many points as you can but if you can't bring yourself to do it because it's a Job that Must be Done without rubbing your opponent's faces in it, well, something is seriously wrong with you guys.
Let's get this straight right off the bat: I do not care for Eric. Eric is an entitled, whiny tax cheat who thinks he's being persecuted because the IRS is not allowing him to skate on his tax responsibilities. Hey Eric- I'd own a lot more property if I didn't pay my fair share, too.
Eric is super-thrilled because after contracting with Optima Tax Relief, he got his tax bill of $15,000 settled for $3500, which he probably paid by borrowing against that nice house being a tax cheat got him. Warms the heart, doesn't it?
But here's what Eric wasn't told: First, for a $200 fee he could have applied for an IRS Offer in Compromise, which -- if Eric was indeed facing financial hardship-- almost certainly would have resulted in a reduction in his taxes owed. Maybe not what Optima promises, but a reduction nonetheless. And without those heavy Optima Tax fees.
On average, in exchange for that $11500 reduction in his taxes, Eric would also be paying out between $2000 and $3000- and possibly as much as $7000- to Optima Tax Relief in fees (just getting started costs between $300 and $500 which he would not get back if OTR got a reduction of even one penny as a result of it's "work" on Eric's "behalf.") So if Eric gets that total tax bill reduction cut from $15000 to $3500, he will have to add at least $2500 and possibly as much as $7000 to that bill, substantially reducing the windfall created by using OTR.
Let's split the difference and say that Optima charges him $3500, and his tax bill to the IRS is $3500. That's still half what he owed- and now we get to the REAL "missed" information; that saved $7500 counts as income, Eric. You're going to have to declare that, Eric, when you file those taxes I assume you're going to actually file now rather than going right back to your scummy criminal ways, Eric.
I bet you didn't realize this and Optima didn't tell you because it's not their job to tell you, Eric.
In the end, assuming everything goes exactly as Eric hoped, maybe he ended up saving $5k. But it's entirely possibly that Eric could have saved much, much more- by NOT calling Optima Tax and calling the IRS instead. I suspect that Eric didn't do this either because he was truly ignorant of the IRS's programs designed to help people pay their taxes or because he wasn't willing to put his ill-gotten gains at risk through a serious audit and an honest, responsible payment plan.
Either way, you suck Eric and I really hope that when January came around and you realized you had to pay taxes on the forgiven debt, you didn't have it and had to take out another loan. In any case, I have no doubt that you went right back to cheating the moment you realized that it was even slightly profitable. Enjoy being a famous bum.
I get the idea: girl is ambitious and energetic and serious about wanting to get the very most of her money by investing. So serious that she opens a brokerage account because she realizes that doing what us Boomers did- opening a regular savings account- doesn't work nowadays any more than it actually worked back then (yes, the whole passbook savings accounts/ school savings plan thing really was a scam and definitely NOT the way to save money.)
What I DON'T get is the surly look surgically applied to this girl's face during the entire ad. I think it's supposed to be "serious." But it just comes off as nasty and prematurely elitist, like she's Above the Herd because she likes money and likes the idea of turning money into more money. It's easy to imagine her firing her crew of lawn-mowers because they have a Pee Wee baseball game to get to, it's mom's birthday, or there's a major math test at school tomorrow. Or they want to start a Union.
Again- I get what Chase is TRYING to do here. But there's just no reason why "thinking about the future" and "being intentional with money" needs to translate to "humorless" and "old before one's time." Kid, you're still a Kid. Good for you for thinking about the future. But maybe get that stick out of your ass and enjoy the present and don't take yourself so damned seriously. You've got plenty of time to be a Good Little Corporatist Vulture. For now, how about enjoying something about life that doesn't involve feeding the machine?
1. Why does it take two people to deliver extra towels to the room? One person to actually carry the towels and another to tell the customer that these are, in fact, the extra towels they ordered? Is this why the room is so expensive, Hilton?
2. Who is going Without because an unlimited amount of extra towels is being made available to this one room? Does Hilton just HAVE an infinite supply of towels stashed away somewhere? Every single one of these towels will have to be laundered for the next guests. Going to be hiring more help to get that done, Hilton?
3. Why is this commercial running twice during every commercial break of the college football game I have on in the background? What's with the oversaturation? Once was too many. Once every break is too many. Twice during every commercial break is, I believe, a War Crime as defined by the Geneva Convention.
4. Why is everything and everyone on tv so stupid? Why does every ad have to assault our common sense and braincells like this? I'm pretty sure it wasn't always the case. What happened?
All of these DriveTime commercials have one thing in common- the laser-like focus on the monthly payment.
Know what kind of customer actually obsesses over the monthly payment of a car that they are interested in? The kind of customer who is terrible at math, terrible at planning, terrible at budgeting, and 100 percent invested in Living for Today.
There's another DriveTime ad in which the phrase "Monthly Payment" is uttered three times in less than 15 seconds. When I find it I will definitely comment on it, because that's even more cringe than this garbage.
Of course, the number that really matters is the FINAL PURCHASE PRICE OF THE CAR. It's a number we pretty much never see in DriveTime ads. If asked, DriveTime would explain that it's because the final price depends on....the monthly payment chosen by the consumer.
Because what they NEVER TELL YOU is that the smaller the monthly payment, the HIGHER THE INTEREST RATE CHARGED SERIOUSLY PEOPLE THIS IS NOT COMPLICATED AND YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE.
Instead, DriveTime shows us the cool Monthly Payment Slide Bar you get when you download the app. Look, you can decide how much extra hidden interest you want to pay by keeping that monthly hit low you want to pay per month to live an economic lie represented by a vehicle. In short, that sliding bar exists to do the job car salesmen used to do- to convince you to buy a car you have no business buying.
Let's illustrate this. Let's say that one of these idiots really really wants that Crossover with a sticker price of $40,000. You don't have $40,000 but you do have decent credit, so you look at financing at 6% for 48 months (until a few years ago, that was the length of the average new car loan.) You move that little blue bar on your app, and find that your monthly payment is - $939. For four years, at the end of which you will have paid just over $5000 in interest.
Ouch, you say. "I can't afford that," you say. "I had better look for something more reasonable," you DON'T say. Because you've got that app with the little blue bar, which you now pull to the right to magically stretch out your loan lower that monthly payment.
Hey look! With a single touch, you've dropped that monthly payment to $705. MUCH more manageable, NOW we're talking, NOW we've got a deal! So what if your payments have been extended to 72 months instead of 48, and you'll be paying $10,000 in interest instead of five. The only thing that matters is the Holy Monthly Payment, right?
This is how they get you. Because it looks easy. It looks simple. The screen is too small to show the details, not that they have any interest in showing the details. It's all about getting you comfortable and convinced you can afford it. $705 is less than $939, where do I sign?
Some people live on an economic razor's edge because they are underpaid and exploited by a system designed to extract labor out of them for as little return as absolutely necessary. And then there are these people, who are determined to put themselves into terrible economic traps through impulsivity and blissful ignorance. Guess which group I don't have an ounce of sympathy for?
You can either watch ESPN's usual wankfest over these two over-exposed, overrated idiots, who have inexplicably been given an entire broadcast on ESPN 2 to toss scripted banter at each other for three hours while the game plays in a side panel...or a morbidly obese fascist convicted felon draft dodger wearing a Made in China baseball cap pretend he knows how to salute in between bringing the prestige of the United States to new lows...or you can watch FOX, CNN, etc. remind you of your Duty to Remember 9/11 by Doing Something (I think "remembering" is actually enough as long as it's done in a showy fashion involving kneeling, praying, weeping....) OR, getting back to ESPN, you can watch that 60-minute glurgefest revisionist "9 innings at Ground Zero" or whatever it was called which tries to convince us that there was a week in the fall of 2001 when we were all Yankees fans and I WASN'T on the edge of my seat pulling for The Great Mariano to blow it and I WASN'T thrilled out of my mind when he did (#theterroristswon.)
In any case, it's been a rough day. I won't be around for Anniversary #50 and I'm good with that. When the best option was watching two Mannings get licked up and down by "America's Premier Sports Network," you know the options were AWFUL.
Someone in the comment section said that they were "inspired" by this ad. They didn't elaborate, but I'm hoping that the ad inspired them to learn a new skill, like tying their own shoes.
Personally, nothing about this commercial makes me thirsty for a bottle of liquid candy and acid. And certainly nothing about it inspires me to attend a sporting event. Not if there's any chance of sitting next to some jackass who decides that he needs to react to Athletes Doing Things by screaming his damn fool empty head off.
I mean, let's be honest. The "I can do anything better than you" is coming from the computer and the Artificial Intelligence it comes pre-loaded with. The humans? They are just there to carry the brains of the outfit from place to place for some reason.
*The laptop can also handle the student debt better than any of you, but it doesn't have to. Hope your boss lets you hide behind the capabilities of AI until you get at least SOME of that paid off.
Meanwhile...man, this guy is getting old. Remember when he could play big, imposing guys? I know he's had health problems, but this is not the way I need to be reminded.
No, this isn't fun. This is...sad, actually. I mean, it's not "check out me and my buddies having fun gambling on our phones" sad. But still...sad.
Last Sunday I walked into my local T-Mobile to complete the switch away from a family plan and to my own 55+ plan for which I will be paying $55 per month. While there, I asked about a possible upgrade for my old Samsung Galaxy +9, which has a broken charging port and which can no longer accept newer apps (and the old ones- like Capital One, and MLB, are dropping off my phone like flies when THEY need to update.)
I was "offered" two choices- either $250 toward a trade-in for a $1300 Galaxy 25, or a "free" Galaxy 25 when I signed a three-year contract at $90 per month. Doing some quick math, that means that the "offer" was to make 36 Easy Payments of $35 each- a total of $1230. I politely (as possible) declined and walked out with my new plan and my old phone. Currently looking for a refurbished Galaxy 25, which should be available for between $400-$600. In the meantime, the wireless charger is working fine.
Yes, this announcement is ALMOST nothing. Except, not quite, because smoke and mirrors and lying by omission isn't exactly Nothing.
So...I will have to read between the lines. Because the audio is terrible, and the acting is worse.
It seems to me that this guy was enjoying a weekend away with his developmentally disabled daughters when an insane coworker suddenly blasted up driving a stolen Hyundai. No wait- she didn't "steal" the car. She just got so thoroughly conned by the salesperson that she thinks she got something over on him and snagged a great deal. And then she had to run off and tell someone about it.
I mean, these two are not together. That would make zero sense. If they are a couple, why weren't they at the dealership together? Why is he off doing something with his kids without her, and why is she making a major purchase with no input from her partner? Why is she talking about buying a new car like she got a free upgrade on her iPhone?
Anyway, she feels like she has to whisper the amount she paid, which is so insanely small that it "feels wrong." What number does she whisper? The total amount? Doubtful. The "low" monthly payment that is "low" because it's spread out over 84 months? Much more likely.
This guy is so aroused at the idea of getting this deal that he abandons his daughters to the care of the insane woman and drives off to get his OWN Hyundai. Because buying a car these days is like taking advantage of a 2-for-$5 deal at Taco Bell. If you're one of these weird tv people.
Maybe this ad makes sense with better audio, but I really doubt it.
The guy in this video bought almost exactly the same car I did in March, 2025- A 2011 Honda Civic with a cracked windshield. Only difference is that mine is a Coupe. Also, in my area a dealership can't sell a car that doesn't pass state inspection, and a car with a cracked windshield doesn't pass inspection, so I had to wait until the windshield was replaced (at their expense) before I could drive off. Does ANY state motor vehicle department allow dealerships to sell cars that won't pass inspection?
This guy paid a lot less for his car than I did for mine, but my odometer was (is) really low and I'm not told how many miles were on HIS Honda. Mine doesn't make weird noises and the AC works fine and- again- the windshield was brand new. 18 months after purchase, I don't need new brake pads either.
(That unfixed crack in the windshield continues to bother me. In my state, a police officer will eventually pull you over and cite you for that. You can't just "ignore" a cracked windshield.)
Because this is the United States, a person faced with a $2000 repair bill v. four years of $340 a month for a new car is an easy choice- the new car. Because I think I'm a Stranger in a Strange Land, I pay the repair bill and keep my old Honda for another several years. It's a no brainer- which ought to make it obvious even to Americans.
This guy did three dumb things. The first one was not getting that cracked windshield replaced, which certainly would have resulted in a fine. The second was buying Pria a car. She's smoking hot, but jeesh. Let her buy her own car. The third was paying off his younger brother's car. Why would anyone do this? What does kid brother's debts have to do with him? That's money that could be going into investments. Kid brother is going to pay this guy back by just getting into debt again. Probably by signing up for a new car.
Overall, this guy is really smart, besides having a girlfriend who was probably way too good for him when the relationship started (did anyone else think that he was going to end up with that other girl he met at the elevator?) He made some odd missteps, but everyone does. I'd take his advice.
I don't have a car fund. I have an emergency fund that will become a vacation fund assuming that there's no emergency. If it's up to me, the car I currently own will be the last one I EVER own, because once it's paid off- in three months, more than 2 years in advance- I will NOT miss making those payments.)
First, the son calls his mom to warn her that he's been diagnosed with COVID, which means he exposed her to the disease on his last visit. Fair enough- that's exactly what he should do.
But then, two almost laughable dumb things happen: Mom abruptly interrupts to announce that she's calling her doctor RIGHT NOW instead of, you know, thanking her kid for warning her, telling him that she'll make an appointment immediately, and asking him to call him back (or maybe NOT acting like she just severed an artery and having a conversation for a few minutes before organically ending the call and then calling the doctor. I mean, come on.) Then, son TELLS his mother to ask her doctor about Xocova and stays on the line as she talks to the guy who actually went through medical school and maybe actually keeps up with the latest treatments even more than this obnoxious kid does.
Mom dutifully parrots whatever son says to the doctor, and at this point I wonder why she just doesn't have son talk to the doctor directly. No sooner does she get reassurance that son's Will Shall Be Done than she turns the phone over to dad- or dad uses his own phone, this is getting dumber by the second- and gets HIS marching orders from Son to demand a particular drug that I guess Son knows everything there is to know about which makes me wonder why the kid isn't his parents' official doctor.
So I guess the urgency comes from the fact that Xocova is only effective if it's used within three days or so of first infection- ok, but still. A few minutes was not going to make a difference. I'm much more disturbed (and amused) by the son's total control over his parents' drug regimen. Wouldn't it have made a lot more sense for the son to say something like "please call your doctor right away, tell him you've been exposed to COVID, and ask about treatments? I heard that there's this new drug out there that can be effective if taken soon after exposure, it's called Xocava." You know, instead of acting like HE'S prescribing Xocava and is just using the doctor as an annoyingly necessary middleman?
What's the truly horrifying thing about this and all Quick Payday Loan ads? Is it
A) That the people in them are so economically unstable that they feel the need to open an app and borrow money at absolutely horrific interest because they are incapable of budgeting? Or
B) Are so thrilled at the Non-Solution that is Payday Loans that they actually start dancing (in every commercial. They ALWAYS dance) at the "good news" that they've successfully taken on another debt that in reality will just be another headache added on to the mountain of stress they seem determined to die on?
It's very simple- if you can't afford to attend a wedding, just say you can't attend the wedding. It's a win-win- you get to keep your money, AND you get to avoid going to a wedding. With my sage wisdom I've saved you from a lost weekend and debt regret.
Or you can go to DebtHappens.com or Dave.com or whatever the hell this is I don't even want to check again and grab a scummy payday loan at an insane interest rate so you can continue to live in denial and show well for your idiot friends, one of which thinks its perfectly ok to make her guests spend serious money to help her "celebrate" her "perfect day." Gag.
So I guess the idea is that Xfinity is so reliable that it will continue to function even after the fall of civilization at the hands of the zombie hordes...or that the zombie hordes are so dedicated to remaining addicted to their stupid phones, they'll work to keep 5G up and running as they devastate everything else on the planet?
This guy is trying to escape zombies but when offered a choice between having whatever is left of his brains being eaten by the zombie apocalypse and having to endure a train ride without engaging in brain rot with his phone...he makes sure he can download a movie before jumping on that train. Because nothing, NOTHING is going to force him to be alone with his thoughts for a few hours.
Seriously, dude. Just let the other zombies have your brain. You aren't using it.
"Not a problem- look, I can push a button on my key fob and my Hyundai will just roll right out to me. I don't need to be able to squeeze in."
Me: "Um, that's not what I meant by 'good luck with that.' I meant that you bought a brand-new Hyundai which is already worth 20 percent less than what you paid, and which you are certainly overpaying for anyway, probably over four or five years, too. Good luck with the payments, not to mention the maintenance bills. These things are notoriously unreliable."
"Shut up, that's why! Watch, it parks itself too!"
Jeep is "America's most patriotic automobile brand" despite being owned by an Italian car company better known for producing buggy, unreliable junk since the 1990s.
But I can see how Jeep and Patriotism still go together. Being Patriotic has always been about sacrifice. During World Wars I and II, Americans were asked to limit their consumption of meat, grow their own food in Victory Gardens, recycle grease, tin cans and paper, and take that vacation fund and use it to buy War Bonds instead.
During World War II sugar was highly rationed and good luck trying to buy a new set of tires for the family car (which you were NOT going to be taking for Sunday drives until the Nazis were put down once and for all.) You were supposed to carpool and even the ladies were expected to Do Their Part in the munitions factories. Again- it was all about Sacrifice.
Well, buying a Jeep certainly allows the modern generation to share that sense of sacrifice. When you buy a Jeep, you'll be sacrificing a large chunk of your paycheck to the local mechanic. You'll be sacrificing hours of your life to sitting in that mechanic's waiting room, hoping this time the drain on your wallet is only MILDLY Patriotic (you need a new battery) rather than Uber, Huge Flag-Waving Patriotic (you need a new transmission on your Stellantis Crapbox despite the fact that it's still under 50,000 on the odometer.)
If you're really lucky, the Jeep won't force you to experience some of that Patriotism when you're trying to get your child, who has just lost three fingers having fun with the Almost As Patriotic Firework Pack included, to the emergency room. Maybe this time it WON'T Patriotically conk out on the highway while she's keeping pressure on the stump to keep from bleeding to death. If it doesn't, well, you'll have plenty of time to demonstrate your sense of Patriotism later- maybe by flying a huge American flag from the truck bed as you drive through a shallow creek, or something. You can pretend you're hitting the beach at Normandy to ramp up the Patriotism Factor as your child provides the blood to bring the experience to life.
So a slim woman walks up to a morbidly obese woman like a freaking drug dealer and starts blathering about- a fitness program? A diet? Ozempic? Naw- she's here to pitch a stupid app that encourages you to spend hours sitting on your butt playing a brain-rotting game, ostensibly by promising to pay you to play it. Then we see that the pitch is successful- the morbidly obese woman, instead of going to the gym or taking a walk is spending an evening sitting in a dark room staring at a phone playing some Candy Crush knock-off, a game "she already enjoyed playing." The difference is that now she's being encouraged to be sedentary by the promise of a few pennies of Amazon credit she can use to buy- is that a Fitness watch? How ironic would THAT be?
*Not the unicorn passing the window of the doctor's office as if that office is in a suburban home or something. I mean, seriously, what the hell? No, I'm referring to the "people" in this ad, who talk and act exactly as if they were generated by some low-cost Artificial Intelligence provider.
For example, what doctor would say something like "I've got good news" like a freaking robot reciting a script, especially when referring to a new drug he's prescribing?
"I've got good news."
"Oh, my condition is no big deal and will clear up with an improvement in my diet and time?"
"Um, no. The good news is that I'm prescribing a brand new drug that just hit the market and which I can't possibly have any real data on concerning it's success rate on patients with your symptoms."
"So the good news is....that it's covered by my insurance?"
"Well, yes. If it wasn't covered by your insurance, I wouldn't be prescribing it."
The unicorn passing by the window? That's not a symptom. That's the drug that is both beneficial and covered by insurance. You know- the ultimate Unicorn.
Seems simple enough- just switch from your current carrier to T-Mobile and the people at T-Mobile will be so thrilled to get your $50 a month that they'll GIVE you a thousand-dollar iPhone ("on us," as they put it.) What's not to like? Better take advantage of the deal before T-Mobile wakes up and realizes that they are paying a very high price just to add a new customer and it will literally take YEARS for them to break even on the deal, if you even stay with them that long....
Oh, wait. The phone is a basic 17, and you can get UP TO $830 in CREDITS when you sign up, AFTER you pay the sales tax on the full retail value of the phone....and the credits will come with each phone bill, locking you into your contract with T-Mobile, as if you cancel before the phone is paid off (yeah, by now I hope you've figured out that you aren't actually getting a free phone, just a phone on a monthly installment plan) you'll be handed a bill for the balance...and let's not forget the $35 connection charge, $35 being a number decided in a boardroom that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the actual cost of "connecting" you to T-Mobile's service (that actual cost is, coincidentally, NOTHING.)
In short, get a stripped-down phone at a discount which goes up in proportion to the number of bells and whistles you add to your service. This is a pretty blatant bait-and-switch that probably sounds good to Stupid People but really ought to be obvious to anyone who has ever seen the inside of a High School.
Let's get one thing straight- no company is giving anything away, ever. That's not how Capitalism works- hell, it's not how Economics works. If T-Mobile is ready to hand me an iPhone, T-Mobile has figured out how to get me to pay for it in a way that makes me look like I'm getting something for nothing. Except that I don't buy Apple products so I'm not playing- plus, I've seen the inside of a High School.
I won't take supplement advice from Doug Flutie or Frank Thomas. I'm certainly not taking supplement advice from a guy who thinks that the tidal schedule is some kind of Unsolved Mystery. But I absolutely believe that O'Reilly is giving actual personal testimony here and not just picking up a quick buck as a pitchman. O'Reilly's brain is in a permanently relaxed state.
Here at Berlin City Toyota of Portland (wow, couldn't fit a few more words into that title?) there's never been a better time to sign up for multiple years of debt to drive a truck you don't need to impress people you don't know while spending money you don't have!
Come in today with thousands of dollars down (why not borrow it? It's America 2026, so no one will even blink at the prospect of borrowing a down payment!) and sign on the dotted line, locking yourself into a contract of six, seven or even EIGHT YEARS of payments on a truck that will be worth roughly 20 percent less than you paid the moment you drive it off the lot. A truck that will NEVER be used for ANY of the things we show it being used for in the ad because you will desperately try to keep it looking new for as long as possible to mask the intense regret you feel for this stupid impulse buy!
Do it NOW, because these things are flying off the showroom floor, honest! It's not that we are desperate to clear them out before the 2027 models arrive just after Labor Day, making these look like old garbage to your neighbors! Never mind that waiting six months and buying last year's version of exactly the same truck will save you thousands in depreciation! SIGN UP FOR DEBT NOW because
it's what the salesperson working on commission desperately needs from you the smart thing to do!
(Although I must say, I feel kind of weird even commenting on one of these ads. I mean, it's for a company that proudly calls itself "gas station pizza." That's about as self-effacing and ghetto as you can get.)
(Also, sorry about the extra step required to view the ad. There are other RaceTrac ads I AM allowed to link to directly, but not this one. I'll probably revisit this company in the future, though. These ads are pretty funny.)
1. The woman in this ad flies awkwardly to RaceTrac to get pizza, I guess- and we see her levitate over to the Standard Mostly-Water-Advertised-as-Soda Fountain to get a cup of ice and water and a little soda. But when she gets to the register, she's got pizza and two bottles of Coke and no fountain drink in sight. Check the cameras, RaceTrac. This woman guzzled a fountain drink and tossed the cup without paying for it. Maybe that explains the weird look on her face; it certainly suggests to me that she's trying to convince the clerk that she's NOT trying to get away with something.
2. If you find yourself happily sitting in the front seat of your car devouring a gas station pizza by yourself, your life has taken a sad, dark turn and I promise you it's not too late to change direction and get it together. Life is too short to be like this, buddy. It's going to be even shorter if you keep consuming RaceTrac (or any other gas station) pizza.
The way that this ad is filmed, it looks as though the guy in it does absolutely nothing except stare at his phone and gamble. Except when he takes breaks to call the "unsurpassed Customer Support" with a smile on his face- as if anyone has ever called Customer Support while smiling. Please.
All of this just strikes me as being really, really sad. This guy looks to be in his late-20s; in other words, in the very prime of life. And he seems to be spending it risking his money with a stupid sports gambling app (in other words, a gambling app.) Maybe this would make sense if it showed a guy my age or older retired, lonely, and/or bored. But this guy has the best years of his life ahead of him- also, the best years of his EARNING potential ahead of him. Why is he spending so much time grinning like a lobotomized idiot at odds, parlays, whatever the hell this crap is offering him?
Let's just arrange the funeral before this guy starts to stink.
You see, it's funny because Catholics are required to go to confession every so often and the priest who hears this confession decides to go ahead and indulge in the same "sin" that Good Catholic confessed...yeah, no kidding, that's the entire joke.
If I had a nickel for every time the Catholic Confession Ritual was played for laughs on commercials, in movies, sitcoms etc. I'd be really, really wealthy. I've never understood why this particular sacrament is considered in the Public Domain when we pretty much NEVER see any other religious practices mocked or evenly politely commented on, but I know it predates the unfortunate scandals concerning the church that have dominated the headlines for the past fifty years or so.
In this ad, Hyundai continues the stupid bit of pretending that it's deals during their Seasonal Sales Event are so good, you really might feel like you did something wrong by participating in it. Let me set my audience straight on this: If you drive off the lot in a new car worried that a mistake was made and you got away with something, that means only one thing- the salesman did an excellent job convincing you that he was doing you a huge favor while he was picking your pocket. It is the dream of every car salesman to have a customer convinced that if he doesn't sign on the dotted line right now the SALESMAN will change his mind and refuse to sell. All those car ads that show people dashing off to the showrooms to claim cars "before they are all gone" like they are rushing to grab the last seat on the Titanic's last lifeboat- please.
The woman in the Confessional has nothing to Confess. The priest probably does, though whatever it is probably has nothing to do with his coveting of a freaking Hyundai. The only obvious guilty party is the scumbag sales person who is convincing people that they are getting Steals on overpriced Not-Toyotas, making them feel so badly about "cheating" their Hyundai Dealership that they feel the need to go to Confession. That guy should be ashamed, but he's too busy depositing his commission at the moment.
Unless flesh-eating monsters are going to break down the door and devour these two morons (what I would call "a happy ending") their behavior throughout this commercial is the most preposterous slop I think I've ever seen, and I've seen a LOT of preposterous slop coming out of the advertising world over the past five decades or so....
Seriously, these people act as if some horrific disaster will come down on their heads if one of their babies wakes up, and that their babies will wake up if a penny falls on the carpet. They are living in a horrific dystopia- not only are they terrified of their children, but they are reduced to ordering vastly marked-up processed garbage "food" from McDonald's. I wish them speedy relief from the hellscape they are living in (preferably delivered by flesh-eating monsters.)
By the way, what does that guy pay for his delivery with? It almost looks like cash. I caught a glimpse of that stuff a few times last week, when I found myself stuck behind people who had inexplicably dropped in from the 1970s and were using it to buy donuts and fancy coffee and iced drinks and pretty much everything else when I was trying to get Iris her strawberry donut and myself my black coffee so I could get on with life. Is that a tip? What country was this filmed in? What is going on here?
"this farm has been in our family since the 1700s..."
Hmm. Farm in the Chesapeake Region producing a cash crop. Since the 1700s. I can't help but wonder who provided most of the hard labor on this "family farm" before, say, 1865 or so. I'm guessing that they didn't look at all like the guy waxing poetic about his Family's Contribution to Alcohol Consumption that goes back to pre-Revolutionary Days.
This is the SECOND M&T commercial featuring a family winery. By my estimate, about one in 6 Americans already owns a winery, a microbrewery, or both. And (also by my estimate, I'm not going to look it up) approximately 60 percent of all small businesses in the United States produce alcohol, coffee, or cupcakes. I'd say that market is pretty saturated- one look at the wine section at your local grocery store will show you that they ran out of names for wineries several decades ago and are just using random name generators now.
So...um, M&T? Maybe start diversifying a little bit? How about showing us the Heartwarming Story of a Small Business Owner whose Dream is NOT to produce a luxury item in a market where that item is literally a dime a dozen? I mean, it's not like I'm going to be without wine if these guys go under- or if Kathy's Kwirky Kupcakes and Koffee can't get a loan to float them to the next quarter.
You know, if you want my business maybe DON'T launch a series of ads telling me that Entrepreneurs are "built different," as if you are of a Superior Line to us 9-5 Lessars.
Because in the end, it's our money- gained from 9 to 5 jobs- that you're grubbing for, depend on, and simply cannot survive without. So maybe get out of my face with this "we're built different" BS. Frankly, I don't give a damn if your Quirky Little Shop That's Been Your Dream Ever Since You Figured You Were Too Good For The Grind survives or not. I don't give a damn how hard you think you work, or how hard you actually do work. No matter WHAT you are offering the public, it is definitely NOT unique to your business and I absolutely guarantee I can get it somewhere else. Maybe the quality won't be as good, but it will be cheaper. Maybe the quality will be better, it will just be more expensive. Maybe it will be equal in all respects except that can get it faster from someone else.
Or maybe, just maybe, I can get it from someone who isn't going to assault me with a bragging "We're Just Better Than You" ad campaign "explaining" why self-styled Entrepreneurs are "Just Built Differently" from this career 9-to-5er who, sorry, doesn't owe you one damn thing including money.
"I get shopping for cars on line- but you're really going to BUY one online?"
"Really."
"You're really going to pick out a car based on AI-enhanced images?"
"Really."
"You're going to commit to payments of $530 a month for SIXTY MONTHS without even test-driving the car?"
"Really."
"And you're really going tto do this with a year-old Hyundai Tuscan?"
"Really."
"And you're really going to do all this and have the dealership just drop off the car without you even taking it to a mechanic and having it checked out? A Hyundai?"
"Really."
"Not even a simple walk around the car to check for dings, not even a quick look at the engine so you can PRETEND to have a clue, not even a glance at the interior to check for cracks, stains, rips...Really?"
"Really."
"Could you do me a favor? Please tell me I'm adopted. I mean- are you Really my biological parent?"
So, um....pay your taxes. Regularly, and accurately. That way, you'll probably never have to take on the IRS, alone or otherwise.
Most recent Optima Tax Relief Ads include a line about the tax code being "too complicated." I actually agree that filing taxes is too complicated and this complication seems to be by design, as the result of lobbying by professional tax prep services (NOT to make it easier for the IRS to "come after" innocent "victims" of complicated paperwork.) But the line is included in the ads to suggest that the main reason people fail to pay taxes is because it's too complicated, a philosophy that (it seems to me) goes hand in hand with the argument that most people steal because paying for things is hard and most people who drive drunk do so because alcohol is delicious and the United States lacks Walkable Cities.
In other words....Just, No. You can't convince me that the great majority of people who do not file taxes fail because they just can't figure out HOW. Naw, they don't file because they don't want to pay. I'm sure it's comforting to a thief to be called a "victim" who is being "targeted" by the Big Bad Government but let's be honest- failing to file taxes because doing so is "complicated" doesn't make it any less of a crime.
The very name "Tax Relief" irritates me to no end. It's bad enough that there are endless loopholes and shelters available to the very rich, whose tax burden is ALREADY very low compared to pretty much every other nation in the Western World. I don't have a tear to shed for anyone who wants "relief" from paying their share of the cost of keeping their country afloat while they enjoy all the benefits OUR tax dollars provide. We are the ones who need Relief- from scofflaws who think that they are exceptional cases who should be allowed to skate on their financial obligations to the society they live in.
(Yes, I know I'm using the same ad as a few days ago, but who watches them anyway? I have a few more points to make.)
The fully-equipped Toyota Capstone (shown being used to pick up coffee in this ad) has an out-the-door price of $83,000. That's not a misprint- the price starts with an EIGHT.
At 4.9% financing (available only to customers with credit scores in the top 10%) and no money down, this translates into payments of $1193 spread out over Seventy-Two Months.) The AVERAGE new car of ANY model carries a note of $775 per month for an average of SIXTY months. Buying this truck isn't a Declaration of Independence; it's the taking of a new mortgage.
I also love that this ad shows a young black woman buying the truck. The average black family in the United States has an annual income of $56,000 compared to just over $80,000 for the average white family. This truck is not a feasible purchase for white people; it's downright insulting to show a twenty-something black girl buying one. (BTW, how many twentysomething black girls in the United States do you think qualify for 4.9% financing? How many who AREN'T celebrities?)
I bet people who buy these things are sold on the fact that they are, after all, Toyotas and not Kias or Hyundais or (g-d forbid) Jeeps or Fords and therefore at least will provide reliable transportation and keep more of their value over the seven years they are going to be chained at the hip to them. But still- signing away money that could be building equity in a retirement fund for a depreciating asset that wasn't worth anything close to the price tag when BRAND NEW is shocking-stupid and definitely something I would expect an inexperienced, silly young person to do with a huge smile on her face while a salesperson (who absolutely has something to celebrate) shoots off confetti.
I strongly believe that there's a factory somewhere in Eastern Europe that is constantly marketing and manufacturing something- ANYTHING- in response to whatever the hot (no pun intended) trend is in the Western World.
Christmas? Check out these AI-enhanced robot puppies that "respond to your child's commands." (Actually, the are just the same bark, wobble and flip junk toys that have been available at the Dollar Store for years now.) Easter? Now the AI-enhanced robots are rabbits, not puppies. Otherwise, the exact same product.
A brutal heatwave in the Developed (Western, Rich, filled with stupid people with money) World? Let's crank out fake "miracle air conditioners" that can cool rooms from 90 to 60 degrees in seconds with zero installation, no condensation, and very little electricity used- the "miracle" is found in the breaking of the laws of physics and thermodynamics. Let's buy cheap (again, AI-generated) ads with fake five-star reviews and plaster them all over Facebook where ignorant dopes looking for some relief can get suckered in with the promise of cool temperatures at low cost and minimal effort. Never mind that these "air conditioners" are nothing more than cheap electric fans sold at enormous markups despite the low-on-the-surface cost (if the advertised price is $19.99 plus shipping from Croatia or Vietnam, it's actually closer to $30, and if you ever actually get the product- long after the heat wave has passed- you'll find that you bought a tiny $2 fan encased in an unnecessarily large plastic container.)
This same "product" will be rebranded as a Miracle Heater this winter, I guarantee it. And it will sell, because people are Dumb. I mean, CarShield is still a thing, right?
With the single exception of my very first car, a 1974 Superbeetle purchased for me by my Volkswagen-devotee grandfather, every single automobile I've ever owned has been a Toyota or a Honda. I think they are the best values on the market and have been for more than forty years, so I generally shy away from ragging on their commercials all that often.
Still, Jan the Toyota Spokeschoad has certainly gone to seed and even if she hadn't, this commercial for the Toyota Summer Sales Event is Peak Dumb. First, we get the usual "purchasing this truck is your gateway to amazing summer adventures for reals," like it's impossible to complete a backyard project or take a trip to the mountains or the beach unless it's in an SUV masquerading as a work truck. Never mind that last weekend I lugged 12 bags of volcanic rock home from the Tractor Supply Store in my 2-door Coupe. Never mind that I regularly use the same car for week-long beach vacations. I'm sure it would be much easier and, more importantly, FUN and EXCITING in a brand new truck, but I proved it could be done.
Second, we get a look at what these "trucks" are actually going to be used for- picking up coffee at the Drive-Thru. Something I'm really quite sure I can pull off in my Coupe but to be safe perhaps better not even attempt it without first purchasing a $30,000 Not-Truck from Jan. After all, if I'm going to be a typical American truck owner, I'm going to be hauling a lot more drive-thru coffee than landscaping supplies and I'm going to be taking a lot more trips by myself to the store than with family to the beach or the mountains. Not letting a dog in my car though. No way.
Know what's scarier than driving a car that's out of warranty?
Well, actually...pretty much everything is scarier than driving a car out of warranty. I've always said that buying a new car because it comes with a warranty is one of the dumbest sucker bet in retail- sure the warranties are legit in that they'll cover everything they say they'll cover, but they are also timed to last exactly until the new car's peak years have passed. Three years, 30,000 miles? Yeah, it's AFTER that point when you'll need new brakes, replacement parts, etc. etc. ETC. NOT before. So what did you actually get with that warranty? Peace of mind? Why were you concerned that a brand new car was going to fail within three years, 30,000 miles, especially when you specifically BOUGHT a new car because you didn't want to deal with the problems that come with a used one? Did you really think this through?
Here's what I find scary- the idea that after class-action lawsuits by multiple Attorneys General, this scummy company is still hiring B-listers to pitch their crap to people who can't be bothered to do a quick Google search using the phrase CARSHIELD SCAM REPORTS or IS CARSHIELD A SCAM. That there are thousands of people who continue to purchase BS warranties not worth the pieces of paper they aren't printed on from a company because its spokespeople are kind of recognizable. That CarShield can settle for millions of dollars for deceptive practices and failure to pay out claims and STILL be able to afford to pitch it's phony not-available-in-California non-coverage to unsuspecting, vulnerable people who can least afford to hand over money and then find out that no, sorry, if you looked at the contract you'd note that the repair cannot be done without servicing one part which is not covered Because Reasons remember you were told All Covered Repairs are Covered, not that all repairs are covered there is a huge difference....
"Someone should help her." You could do that right now- by urging her to put the money she was tempted to send to CarShield every month and put it into a separate high-yield savings account instead. If the car breaks down, there's the money in that account to fix it. If the car doesn't break down, there's the money in that account to spend in some other way. Best of all, CarShield doesn't get to use any of it to hire has-beens for their commercials or attorneys to handle the next class action lawsuit. Now isn't that much, much better?
Hey look, it's a depiction of an adult American male acting like a total cringey doofus in a commercial. So we know it's the 21st century in this ad, anyway.
I get that for decades, women were infantilized in stupid, sexist commercials written by men, paid for by men, and aired by networks owned by men. I get that women were cast in stupid, sexist sitcoms written, directed, and produced by men (the sitcom formula of completely normal if not downright ugly men matched with hot younger women is very much alive and well even in present day.) But I was raised to believe that two wrongs don't make a right. Apparently this is not a popular philosophy in the world of Advertising, however.
Moron Dad is back again, mortifying his children by acting like an embarrassing loon at the breakfast table. His kids just want to eat their morning meal and get a start to their typical eight hours of screentime with their phones, but for some reason Dad has to make a spectacle of himself prancing around the kitchen, prompting the kids to sing (or, at least, bleat) the praises of freaking Cheerios. Why? Well, other than to pay those debts accrued over sixty years of portraying women as dopey eye candy, I have no idea.
As to the product- as far as cereal goes, Cheerios is ok- even better than most. That being said, it's still just mostly empty carbs nobody really needs in the morning, or at any other time of the day. An egg or two would be much better, but if Dad ever finds that out, I'm downright terrified at the display he might put on while dishing out a plate of scrambled chicken fetuses.
"Tell me something good?" Um, none of our friends is here to witness this, and this is one thing I have no intention of streaming to Tiktok. There.
"Epicooler is an air conditioner that functions almost exactly the same way as every other air conditioner, but we'll describe it using words like 'for personal use' and 'non-permanent installation' and 'ambient' to make it sound special- never mind that, again, this describes every other air conditioner."
"Epicooler is 1 percent repackaged AC unit and 99 percent AI-generated scammy nonsense, which is why it's not available at any brick and mortar store or even at Amazon- that's right, this is a bridge too far even for the website that is happy to sell (not)-crystal Good Luck cat heads and robot rabbits that (don't, never did, never will) respond to commands and disappoint delight your child."
"In short, Epicooler is just this month's nonsense Miracle Product designed to grab up a few dollars before vanishing faster than the water vapor that magically vanishes into Nowhere instead of falling to the ground outside your window like every other air conditioner Because Physics. It's a product that no Boomer unaware that Skynet is actually AI can do without."
I mean, at the very least, can T-Mobile and Apple find another spokesperson before introducing the Apple XIX or whatever is coming up next? I can't be the only person out there totally over Zendaya's over-the-top "I'm so thrilled to death that T-Mobile and Apple are keeping me relevant with these stupid-ass commercials" performances. This crap makes me miss those "can you hear me now?" ads- at least they focused on the phone's most important feature.
Of course, nowadays I suppose most people don't really care if the person on the other end can hear them now, since they don't use their phones for calls anyway? As long as they can stream or access Tiktok, their Phones Which Are Barely Phones work?
I don't want to hear, or see, Zendaya anymore. So again- can she just stop being a thing now?
Notice how commercials for insurance- be it for cars, homes or health care- never fail to treat the audience like we're all toddlers with bricks for brains, and tell us nothing or next to nothing about the benefits of the product being sold? Instead we get CGI lizards and emus and Jake from State Farm stalking Pat Mahomes and if we have any brain cells at all (commenters on this YouTube post are obviously exempted) we are left wondering what on Earth any of this has to do with insuring our cars or homes or health.
Until now. Because I've got the answer for you, free of charge, no stupid mascot or overexposed sports figures necessary.
Let's start with car insurance. In every state in the country except New Hampshire (the weird state,) car insurance is an absolute requirement for legal use of the public roadways. Want to operate a motor vehicle beyond your driveway? You MUST purchase a minimum level of insurance from a licensed insurance broker.
Now let's talk about home insurance. Oddly, this is not technically required anywhere in the United States as long as you own your home outright. However, if you are like the vast majority of home "owners" under the age of 60, a financial institution holds the mortgage on that house and every single one WILL require that you carry some form of insurance coverage on the home you jointly own. And if you rent? Landlords pretty much universally require that you carry some level of renter's insurance.
Finally, let's look at health insurance. From 2010 to 2019 there was an absolute legal requirement for all American citizens to carry a minimal level of health insurance from a licensed provider. The federal requirement went away in 2019, but realistically the massive expense connected to health care represents a de facto requirement. Sure, you can opt out of the health care insurance system- but you'll be one bad slip away from opting in to bankruptcy if you do. Health insurance doesn't NEED to be a legal requirement any more than breathing does.
See my point? Insurance Companies don't create ads to convince you that you need to purchase their product. They don't need to. You have to purchase their product. All these stupid commercials are doing is trying to convince you to buy THEIR version (because they've got a CGI Emu) instead of the OTHER GUY'S version (even though they've got a CGI Lizard) or that OTHER version (because they've got that old character actor you remember from the Spider-Man films) or still ANOTHER version (because they've got Jake and Pat Mahomes.) They are appealing to a captive audience, so they aren't interested in selling us on the virtues of that product. They are interested in planting their mascots into our brains so that when we buy what we HAVE to buy, we remember the cartoon character or that football player who used to win Super Bowls.
Don't believe me? Check out the comments. I dare you.
Once, there were loan sharks who worked out of the shadows of the back alleys. Today, there are Payday loans available out of licensed, 100 percent legal "money stores" on every other corner of suburbia.
Once, there were bookies. Today, you can gamble using a super-cool phone app sold to you by every Hollywood A-lister and sports hero through ads shown during actual sporting events and financing entire pre-game and post-game shows.
I really don't know which is worse- payday loans which charge interest rates which used to be illegal (until the Supreme Court in it's infinite wisdom decided that laws preventing the exploitation of economically desperate people were Unconstitutional) or commercials for gambling apps which make addiction look like the coolest thing imaginable and Good Clean Fun until you're evicted and your wife leaves with the kids and the dog you can't afford anymore anyway.
When you spill something on the floor, do you just throw a rug over the mess and go on with your life?
If you were to accidentally punch a hole in the wall, would your solution be to hang a portrait over it?
Is your response to the Check Engine light a piece of black tape covering up the the Check Engine light?
If the answer to all of these questions is "no," why would you ever "address" bad odors in your house with Febreze? How does introducing an odor to overwhelm another odor accomplish anything positive?
I know that cleaning is not fun. But neither is mold or germs. And once you reach adulthood, you really should move beyond ignoring problems. Just sayin.
Before dawn tomorrow, an Uber will (hopefully) arrive to whisk me off to National Airport, where an American Airlines plane will (hopefully) whisk me off to Kansas City, where I will spend a week accurately (hopefully) scoring Advanced Placement Exams, just as I have every year Except the Two Of Which We Must Not Speak since 2008.
Which means a week of scrambled eggs, veggie sausage, and lots and lots of coffee and Diet Coke and (hopefully) not too much of the candy on the table, walks during lunch break and the gym and pool every evening. And no more screen time beyond what needs to be done to score the exams.
So, no new posts until June 9. Please enjoy the archives and see you back then (hopefully.)
If someone asked me while walking through some parking garage if I'm "4 imprint certain," I'd tell them that one thing I'm certain of is that a parking garage has an almost unlimited number of places in which to dump a body.
That being said, I'm less than two days away from heading off to grade AP exams for an 18th straight year, which means it's time to pick up another complimentary refillable water bottle with the College Board AP Logo stamped on the front. Back in the good old days, we'd also get umbrellas, backpacks, little blankets...and I still have my coffee tumbler from 2010. But since just before COVID it's been that water bottle and nothing but that water bottle. Oh well. I'd probably lose anything they'd give me within a few hours anyway. Unless they give us another coffee tumbler this year. That'd be nice.
