Erie County, NY: Where it's always Wait till Next Year, all the time

 

I lived in the suburbs of Buffalo from 1991 to 1995 and watched the Bills lose four straight Super Bowls. The Bills then went into complete collapse and could not get out of the shadow of Tom Brady.  Brady ultimately exited the stage, only to be replaced by Pat Mahomes, the Bills' current nemesis blocking the team's way to the Promised Land, always there to knock Buffalo out in the playoffs.  

Then Mahomes has a bad season, the Chiefs don't even make the playoffs at all, and the path is cleared for the Bills- only to have Buffalo inexplicably lose to a Broncos team which loses it's Quarterback to injury at the very end of the game (if he had gone down ten minutes earlier, the Bills certainly would have won and gone on to paste the Patriots in the Championship game a week later.)  This is Babe Ruth Curse level stuff.

The Buffalo Sabres are the oldest franchise in the National Hockey League (established 1970) to never win a Stanley Cup.  They've been in the Championship round twice, losing in six games in 1975 and getting swept in four in 1999.  They make the playoffs pretty regularly- but have never lifted that cup in celebration.  And last night they lost Game 7 to the Montreal Canadians- in Overtime, because that's how you maximize the pain- so fans are back to talking about Hope and Faith and Belief in Next Year.

It's always next year in Erie County.  Next year, the Bills will go all the way.  Next year, the Sabres will get over that hump.  Next year, it won't snow nonstop from December to April and the sun will come out more than twice between Thanksgiving and Easter and the gas pedal won't stick to the floor because it's -20 again and you won't wonder "how the hell did I end up in this godforsaken place, and why can't we at least celebrate a winning team as compensation at least ONCE?"

That Old Navy Paris Hilton Commercial

 

"Hey Paris, who are you wearing?"  Hmm.  That's not even in the top three of the list of questions I had when I saw Paris Hilton in a commercial Not for Carl Jr's hamburgers.  Here's how I responded to seeing this person appear on my television screen:

1.  "Wait...you're still a thing?"

2.  "Why were you ever a thing?"

3.  "Could you please stop being a thing now?"

Honorable Mention:  "Can I assume that we aren't getting a sequel to The Hottie and the Nottie?"

It's App to be a Disaster for all of the people in this ad, and then some

 

This is like watching a bunch of seamstresses being shown a Spinning Jenny and thinking "wow, this is absolutely amazing, what a wonderful time to be alive!"  Never mind that the machine they are being shown was literally built to make their skills irrelevant.

What we are watching here is people eagerly embracing an App that will very quickly make them an expensive, obsolete burden to their employers-- and, ultimately, Unemployed and Unemployable.  Well, I guess at least that will give them more time with their phones and something to do while doom-scrolling LinkedIn, desperately searching for an AI-proof job that will allow them to keep food on the table.

A few honest questions for April Delaney

 

For those of you who don't live in Maryland, April McClain Delaney is a freshman congressperson from Maryland's sixth district, currently seeking a second term.  She is being challenged by her predecessor in that seat, David Trone, who gave up the position to run a failed bid for the United States Senate in 2024.

Representative Delaney is running a two-headed campaign featuring attacks on Trump/ICE detention centers and on her opponent in the Democratic Primary, Mr. Trone.  I applaud your votes against everything Trump does, Ms. Delaney.  I have no issues with that whatsoever.  My questions concern your pushback against your primary challenger. 

You have issued a "Cease and Desist" against Mr. Trone for running ads urging Democratic Primary voters to "Re-Elect David Trone," suggesting that Trone is trying to trick voters into thinking he's the incumbent.  Do you really have so little respect for your constituents that you think they don't know who their Congressperson is?  Or is it that you've been so low-profile that you're afraid that the guy who preceded you has larger name recognition?  In any case, David Trone is a former Congressman who is looking to get re-elected to his old seat.  You can quibble about the language, but I don't think you have a legal leg to stand on and you're coming off insecure more than anything else here. 

Also, you accuse Mr. Trone of trying to buy this seat.  But in 2024, of the just over $2 million you spent to win it yourself, $1 million was self-financed by you and your husband.  Seems to me that you don't object to buying seats in the House of Representatives as much as you are irritated at the concept of being outspent. 

Finally, you suggest that Mr. Trone feels "entitled" to this seat- again, because he's a multimillionaire who jumped into politics near the top.  But do I need to remind you who served as the Representative in this district before Mr. Trone first ran?  That was John Delaney- your husband.  A quick Wiki scan tells me that your Congressional seat is the very first office YOU ever ran for.  You'll need to work hard to explain to me the moral difference between a person who buys name recognition and one who "earns" it by being the spouse of the former Rep.  Oh, but she did serve as a Deputy Director for one division in the Department of Commerce.  Her qualifications for that role?  Um....well....check out her last name again.

In short, please explain to me how the race for the Democratic Nomination for Congress in Maryland's 6th district is NOT just a fight between two people who used money and connections to short-cut their way to the upper ranks of political power?  Or- get off your high horse.  I seem to remember you using your name recognition and money to bludgeon an underfunded primary opponent just two short years ago.  Your current pious tongue-clucking about Big Money is unbecoming to say the least, and I'd actually go with the phrase "blatantly hypocritical." 

Kay Jewelers, Mother's Day, and a God-Awful Earworm

 

It's a little-known Fact that there is not a human being on Earth who can decipher the lyrics of this song, which by the way is a clear violation of the Geneva Convention and a War Crime in over 100 nations (another little-known Fact.)

Having this ad run on repeat at least eight times an hour during tonight's Svengoolie episode made me a worse person.  I think it caused permanent damage to my psyche and I do not expect to recover.  

Samsung's "Privacy Screen" gives the Bots time to come out to play

 

...and comment.

Seriously, look at the gushing in response to this ad.  Samsung is King.  Samsung is Awesome.  Samsung's Privacy Screen is like if Sliced Bread and the Wheel had a baby.  None of these comments were posted by an actual human being, of course.  They are all droppings left by an AI Vapid Comment Generator.  Nobody is this inane.  Not even in the United States of Capitalism.

Meanwhile, I guess this is an attractive feature during the current pandemic of Main Character Syndrome- everyone is looking at me, everyone is interested in what I'm doing, I'm very, very intriguing to all around me- but if the target audience were honest it would ask why it wants a privacy screen while yapping away about the most personal details of their lives or blasting music at full volume in public.  Trouble is, the target audience is NOT honest.  It is, however, shockingly narcissistic and convinced that it's being judged- especially for owning a Samsung and not an iPhone.  If this screen is exclusive to Samsung for a season it can pretend the choice has to do with Samsung's dedication to privacy?  Please.

Disney Cruise Line Commercial: Three Generations of Privilege

 

A typical Disney family cruise (7 nights, Caribbean destinations) cost upward of $10,000.  This family has been going on them like other families rent tiny cabins at the local beach.  In other words, filthy rich and totally unrelatable.

Oh, but the bots commenting on this ad pretend that it's making them cry- because they are bots.  Nobody with any sense gets choked up over three generations of a family spending a freaking fortune on overpriced entertainment sold by the Mouse That Destroyed Star Wars.  Especially when you just KNOW these people also spend a week at one of the freaking parks, too.

Just...gross.

Ethos Life "Ghost Dad" Commercial: No, It's not a Skit

 

Seriously, I watched this twice and noted the official Ethos logo on the ad before I was able to convince myself that this was not pulled from an episode of SNL.

First, you've got the creepy kids letting dad know EXACTLY how his dying would impact them- "we'd be HOMELESS" says the little girl in her best Precocious Sitcom Child voice.  Not "we love you and would be devastated."  Just an eyeroll and "come on dad, we like this house and you pay for it so we need you to hang around."

And the little boy with his "I have no one to look up to...."  But you DO have someone to live off of, Dead or Alive, so that's ok?

Second, you've got Mom telling him that "of course we love you BUT we also love our home" in a tone that makes it pretty damn unmistakable which one is the priority.  And then she doubles down- "PLUS the kids want to go to college..." Holy Crap Woman, just call him your freaking meal ticket and get it over with.  You don't just want this guy to get life insurance- you want him to get enough to make sure that if something happens to him, you get to keep the house and the kids get to go college and neither involves you actually getting a job.  And what kind of parent brings her small children into a discussion concerning Our Living Conditions After Dad Inevitably Dies Young?

Now, the guy does respond to all this "honey get life insurance so we can stop worrying about the possibility of one day living in a world where we have to take care of ourselves" by ruining a sheet and acting far less mature than his ghoul kids, so maybe his family is legitimately concerned that Dad will accidentally kill himself in one of any number of ways any day now.  But he must have something going on between his ears to be able to afford that ridiculous estate, scheming bloodless trophy wife and evil children.  Or is it all inherited?  But if that's the case, what's the big deal about insurance?  Are you blowing through this guy's family fortune that fast?  

The mom is Awful, the kids are Awful (and- if they are actual human children- Traumatized,) and Dad is not handling his wife and children obsessing over Life After Him as if it's right around the corner very well.  What a bizarre commercial.  What isn't bizarre is that Comments are blocked.  I can imagine what that thread would have looked like.

Matchbox Restaurant: Light the fuse....

 

...to a lifetime struggle with obesity, diabetes, and heart disease?

Seriously, all I see is a very nice-looking atmosphere in which to consume huge double-cheese carbohydrate discs, cheeseburgers loaded with onion rings and potatoes, pancakes covered with whipped cream and chocolate,*  and basically Deep Fried Everything that Isn't Wood-Fired Pizza.   Washed down with soda, sweet tea or liquor.  Unless this is a once-a-year event, ordering from the menu should come with a Surgeon General's Warning.

*In the 2005 comedy Just Friends, Ryan Reynolds' character is served a High Stack of pancakes completely drowned in whipped cream and M&Ms.  It was supposed to be a joke, but I guess it was more of a prophecy?  And I thought IHOP's Cheesecake pancakes were scary. 

CarShield is becoming more ambitious

 

I'm used to seeing washed-up actors and sports figures- Ice T, Vivica Fox, Ernie Hudson, Danica Patrick, Ric Flair- pitching this BS scammy non-insurance which is the subject of lawsuits and thousands of pages of consumer complaints.  But it's more than a little surprising to see a guy currently making serious bank as the most recognizable face of ESPN- once upon a time the gold standard of sports reporting, long descended into lolcow status- selling his image to an utter fraud of a company like CarShield. 

Whatever CarShield paid Stephen A. Smith to spend several minutes of his time bleating a tired script, it could not have come close to one-tenth of one percent of his annual income over at ESPN (approximately $20 mil.  For what, I can't tell you.  Don't ask me to explain Capitalism.)  Which means that this is probably not about money at all.  More like just taking any opportunity to get his face out there in a non-sports-related moment.  Because he's running for President?  Or he just wants people to think he is?  But how does being associated with a business infamous for conning people out of their hard-earned money with claims carefully couched with small print that will leave them with empty wallets achieve that?  Who would vote to elevate such a person to the office of the Presidency?

What?  48 percent or so would?  Three times?  

NetCredit to the Stupid

 

What's the message of this ad?  "Say yes to more debt- and respond to the extension of credit by doing a stupid dance as if you've just won something valuable!"

Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves.  The actors in NetCredit commercials wear their FICA scores on their t-shirts.  And those scores are not Exceptional.  They are in the "Fair" range.  If they are being approved for loans, those interest rates are high- but let's ignore that, because all that really matters is that NetCredit is going to let you spend some more.  In real life, this is not good news.  In NetCredit ads, the actors celebrate because they have the opportunity to dig that debt hole just a little bit deeper. 

Isn't that a baby stroller?  That kid is in trouble.  He chose his parents wrong.  His parents are frivolous morons. 

Kalshi and AliExpress: It's all fake

 

And I'm not even talking about the AI-generated "actors" being used to sell this life-ruining addiction.  I'm talking about the actual concept of "Futures Markets."  

What's fake?  The idea that gambling is the road to financial security, let alone "innocent fun" that adds "adventure" to watching sports.  Unless financial stress is fun.  Unless being suddenly unable to pay bills is fun.  Unless being addicted to constant doses of dopamine generated by taking one stupid risk after another is fun.

None of this is real, but all of it is currently dominating commercial television, especially during any sports coverage.  ESPN's funding is coming almost exclusively from gambling (and yes, "futures markets" is GAMBLING.)  At this point, I'm not even sure that sports coverage would even exist without the billions of dollars in ad revenue from online gambling.  Pre-game shows certainly would not exist; they are nothing more than long-form commercials for gambling apps.  

Some of you are in big trouble, and I really hope that you manage to see that 1-800-Gambling notice on your screens and use it to get help.  Because none of this is real, and all of it is dangerous.

Bet365 ads are depressing, even for gambling ads

 

A group of old, rugged veteran fishermen are entertaining themselves with stories of conquests on the sea when they are interrupted by a twerp who regales them with the tale of how he made a lot of money sitting on his ass, staring at his phone.  The fishermen were out in nature's fury, risking the elements.  The twerp was sitting at a bar, risking his rent money.

And he won so much, he's treating the entire place to breakfast.  Well, that's something, I guess.  It still doesn't dissuade me from my belief that society has gone to hell in a handbasket and there's no bringing it back. 

Fanduel's "Thrillionaire" pitch to sad addicts

 

You know, I imagine winning a lot of money on a bet is probably pretty "thrilling."  Of course, as in every case where the possibility of a thrill is involved, a required ingredient is the possibility of massive, horrific failure.  Overcoming the odds, surviving the danger- that's where the thrill comes from, or it doesn't exist.

For every gambler who enjoys the thrill of winning money, a hundred experience the other emotion- depression and guilt at once again giving in to an addiction and throwing away money they simply could not afford to lose.  (And don't come at me with "most people only gamble money they can afford to lose, and FanDuel, etc. actually provide public service blurbs in tiny handwriting reminding people only to gamble what they can afford to lose.  Gambling money that doesn't mean anything to you is like experiencing the kiddie ride at your local amusement park.  No risk felt= no chance for a thrill.  You can't have it both ways.)

And by using the nonsense phrase "Thrillionaire," FanDuel is trying to sell the idea that you can actually become quite rich with this Just for Fun Harmless Amusement involving risking your hard-earned money (but only an amount you can afford to lose, not that you'll lose because come on don't you believe in yourself and your destiny to be a Thrillionaire?)  They give us a goofy scene where people are being goofy and which resembles that forementioned amusement park because look a guy is riding around in a bumper car.  He's just being a kid playing a game- a game that involves risk, and that feeds a life-destroying addiction, but take a chill pill look how much fun he's having!

I'll continue to pass.  I work too hard and, oddly enough, I manage to enjoy sports even without putting cash at risk.  I'm weird that way. 

I Still Miss Louisville....*

 

It was during my first year as a scorer of APUSH essays in 2008 that I really fell in love with Minor League Baseball.  That year- and for seven more years afterwards- the scoring was in the Kentucky Convention Center in Louisville, and at least three evenings during the week of grading I would wander down the River Walk and drop $5 to watch a few innings of the Bats v. the Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs, the Toledo Mud Hens, the Pawtucket Red Sox, etc.  The atmosphere was (almost) always great and they even welcomed us Readers on the scoreboard.  Perfect way to unwind after eight hours of scoring essays. 

But every once in a while, one of those beautiful nights at Bats Stadium included the unctuous "Bark at the Park" ritual.  Not being a dog owner, I'm never going to appreciate the attraction of taking a dog to a baseball game.  And it didn't help that the food special was $1 hot dogs because they were (yuck) boiled, which should be a war crime.

*As I prepare for a third straight year in Kansas City- where, again, the Royals will be on the road and there is no minor league team available to spend an evening enjoying- ChatGBT is giving me a glimmer of hope, predicting that after a decade of exile we APUSH Readers may well be welcomed back to Louisville in 2027.  If that's really a possibility, I take back anything bad I've ever said about Bark at the Park.  I'll put up with the dogs if I can get the Bats back.

Skyrizi: A Whole Lot of Nothing

 

I have one goal in life, and it's to be half as happy about anything as this woman is about carrying frozen desserts fifteen feet to place in front of customers too damn lazy and entitled to just pick it up themselves despite the booth being managed by exactly one person.  

Seriously, I can't be the only person who wants to slap that stupid grin off that stupid face.  Get over yourself, lady.  You're a grown woman serving flavored ice at a swimming pool.  There's no way you thought that this is what you were going to be doing ten years ago, when you were a Medieval Art Major at State University.

Nothing brings the Boomers out to wave their fists at clouds faster than videos like this

 

Know how sometimes you can just read the thumbnail and accurately predict what the majority of comments will focus on?  That never works better than with with videos listing banned toys. 

Every single time I check out one of these videos listing toys that were briefly popular in the 1960s and 70s but were finally banned because they maimed or murdered children, I know I can scroll down through the comments and read an endless barrage of "I had one of these and turned out fine,"  "Stupid kids ruined this for everyone," and "woke helicopter parents raise soft kids today" rants.  One Boomer after another waxing poetic about how he used to throw Lawn Jarts, have BB-gun wars with neighbors, set off M-80s to add a little adventure to his Green Army Men battles and- of course- drink out of the garden hose because that's what Every Single Person Above the Age of 60 Remembers Better Than Anything Else.  

And of course they did all this with No Parental Supervision Whatsoever- hell, most of them grew up with out parents at all.  They walked miles to school every day and were never accosted, molested, or otherwise bothered by passing strangers because they didn't exist.  They rode bikes without helmets because helmets are Totally Woke and crashed all the time and as previously mentioned, they turned out Just Fine.*  And I strongly suspect that they lament the days before seatbelts ruined the traveling experience and turned the Later, Lesser Generations into Pathetic Crystal Snowflakes who Demand Participation Trophies.

If these posters were honest, they'd admit that they don't really miss those stupid dangerous toys (some of which I actually possessed at some point- I especially remember my Creepy Thing Maker and burning my fingers on the hot wax from time to time.)  They just miss being young- so much so that they fail to notice- or are unwilling to concede- that kids today are far better off living in a society that doesn't pitch dangerous "fun" activities to parents.  Seatbelts, bike helmets, and toys that don't send spikes into our heads or missiles into our mouth don't diminish childhood.  The cartoons are infinitely better too- people my age grew up with characters who seemed more interested in inflicting pain on each other- Tom and Jerry, Bugs and Daffy, Sylvester and Tweety, Road Runner and Coyote- than having fun.  Today's kids have Bluey, Paw Patrol, Big City Greens, Spidey and Friends, Pupstruction, etc. etc. etc.- each of which tell good stories with healthy, positive messages (which these Boomers, I'm sure, consider both Woke and Gay.)

*did they really grow up "just fine?"  I mean, they are constantly ranting about kids today growing up encased in bubble-wrap and pumping their chests about how much Tougher today's older people are because they were "allowed" to grow up feral and basically raise themselves.  I don't think there's anything particularly healthy about people my age complaining that kids aren't getting hurt as much today as they did Back in the Good Old Days. 

Uber One. Because don't you hate actually having money?

 

It's downright frightening to think that, considering an Uber One subscription costs $10 a month, there are people out there who actually use Uber and Uber Eats so often that it may actually pay for itself.  Personally- and being someone who actually lives within his means- I find Uber Eats to be the most shocking opportunity to burn money since someone decided to invent Bottled Water. 

But there's something even scarier about Uber One (yes, even scarier than the concept of paying $120 per year for small discounts on cold meals already marked up to the stratosphere.)  And that is the $5 per month "student option."  Because if anyone needs a cold hamburger and fries delivered to their front door for $25 more than I do, it's a student, right?

And I'm not even going to get into the comments under this video.  Enough Scary for one day. 

Downy "Rinse it out" ad: What I do for clicks...

 

I went through this - well, I can only describe it as an "Ordeal"- three times in an attempt to understand the point of it all, and I just get more confused with each viewing:

At first, I thought that this woman is just doing what so many women in fabric softener/detergent/air freshener commercials do: Celebrating the absolute joy that comes with using a product that results in soft clothes and (especially) a fresh scent.  I think it's been a theme of detergent ads since the 1950s that it's possible to fall madly in love with clean, soft clothes to the point where it's the highlight of any suburban prince or princess's day to jam one's nose into the laundry.

This theory seemed to be confirmed by Dad's "your mother really loves Downy" remark to Son.  Both members of the house are taking this in stride; while they are watching tv or whatever mom is dancing about the house singing her own version of Total Eclipse of the Heart and having her own idea of a wild time.  Whatever floats her boat and at least she's not complaining about doing laundry.

But then she throws dad's shorts into his face and tells him "honey, please do your own laundry..." um, say what?  If that's their kid, these people have been together for quite some time.  What is this guy doing with his shorts that convinced her to suddenly announce that she's no longer going to be doing the laundry we have to presume she's been doing for a decade or more?  What else is she not going to be doing?  Also, the indications were that she enjoyed doing laundry.  What happened?  Do I even want to know?

And how is Dad going to react to this?  Certainly by this stage in the relationship, the family has settled into a routine and everyone knows what chores they are responsible for.  Now mom has changed that up- again, WHY exactly?  And what does "rinse it out" even mean?  Is this an alternative to actually washing Dad's shorts?  If so, where is he supposed to "rinse them out?"  

Excuse me for saying so, but Dad should just toss the shorts back to his wife and reply "um, no.  There's no 'my shorts,' 'your shorts' and 'the kids' shorts.'  There's just OUR SHORTS- and OUR CLOTHES.  When any item of clothing is in the hamper, just put it along with the rest of the clothes in the washing machine, please.  And when it comes out of the dryer, feel free to do a little dance if that's what flips your skirt- but please don't throw clothes into my face and make demands in front of our kid again.  I told our son that you love Downy, not that you're a lunatic I stay with because this is California and I don't want to lose half my income in a divorce settlement.  You could at least reciprocate by not emasculating me in front of him."

Kalshi: Let's not miss the forest for the trees....

 

Fact is, the "controversy" over an entirely AI-produced ad is of zero interest to me.  I couldn't care less if the people peddling this awful gambling app loophole are actual sad examples of American Idiots or AI-generated ones.

The point is still the same:  Kalshi is just gambling wearing regulation-proof clothing.  "Futures Markets" have a certain level of legitimacy because they've been around forever (although, as I posted the last time I looked at Kalshi, the bucket shops they originated in were banned in New York more than a hundred years ago.)  But whatever you call it, this is just making everything you can imagine an opportunity to lose your money to a life-destroying addiction.  That's what we should be talking about here.  Not AI.  Don't give a damn about the AI.

Don't give a damn about Disney's role in this, either.  The Mouse wrecked Star Wars, no real surprise it's in the process of helping to wreck the rest of society now.  

This Carshield "Autopsy" Commerccial

 

"Whatever's under this sheet, we can be sure of one thing:  It's not a part covered by Car Shield, so no matter how much the owner paid, this is not a covered repair."

"Ok, let's take a look at it anyway.  We have to wrap this up so we can get our paychecks before Car Shield has to deal with another Class Action Lawsuit."

(quick peek)

"Oh my god!  It's our CAREERS!"

"Um, you didn't know they were dead already?  What the hell do you think we're doing in commercials for a scam car warranty company?  You think Ernie Hudson and Danika Patrick are A-listers too?"

"I don't know.  Are we done now?  I have to return a call from my agent, something about an audition with the Medicare Coverage Helpline." 

This Ancient KIA Sales Event Ad just seems too perfect for an April Fool's Day Post

 

First, there's the quaint notion of a $149-per-month lease deal.  Remember when those were a thing?  The only time in my life I ever leased a car, from 2006 to 2009, I paid $350 a month.  And that was for a 2-door Civic Coupe.  Sure, there was virtually nothing to pay on it when I took ownership at the end of the lease, but still. 

Second, there's the idea that all of these people are instantly smitten with the idea of leasing a freaking KIA for multiple years.  I'll admit that the only way I'd ever drive a KIA is through a lease deal, because these things are nothing but headaches and they depreciate in value faster than- well, faster than an ice cream cone melts in the sun. 

Third, this ad works a lot better if it ends with all of these zombies just following that truck off a damn cliff.  I can't think of any more accurate way to describe the feeling of actually being stuck making payments on a (still, at $149 a month and $2 k down) overpriced piece of junk like a KIA Soul.  Better than spending three years regularly being reminded that you are going to pay $7400 to drive around in a pile of crap you will just give back in 36 months because even you aren't dumb enough to hand over another $10k for a car with a Kelly Blue Book Value of maybe half that at the end of the term.  Unless you really are an April (and every other month of the year) Fool.

This Seriously Strange, and Sad, Camzyos Ad

 

Is it just me, or is there actual NEGATIVE chemistry between this woman, the adult male and the child in this ad?  No matter how many times I've seen this commercial all the way through, all I see is a strange woman who decided to show up at a baseball game and latch herself to a noticeably single man and his son for the duration of the day.

I'm serious.  This woman does NOT interact with the kid like she knows anything about him, but is trying very hard to cosplay (or audition for the role of) being his Mom.  If possible, there is even less warmth between her and the guy.  It looks for all the world like the guy and his son are just being polite to this sad woman who showed up at a ball game all by herself and decided to start hanging out with them- near the concessions, in the stands....maybe all the way out to the parking lot after the game...until finally dad- who had his finger on the Emergency Button of his phone for the walk from the bleachers to the car- was able to get his son buckled and himself in the car with the door locked before giving Crazy Woman a quick "well nice meeting you bye" and leaving the lot at the Fastest Speed Allowed by Decency and Safety Standards.  

On the way home, Dad and Son have an awkward laugh about the experience and discuss whether Mom should be told about it when Dad drops Son off at Mom's house before 6 PM tonight, as stipulated by the court.  And they agree that if Crazy Woman Shows up at the next game, Dad politely announces that he and the child will be Sitting Over There Now No Do Not Follow Us. 

What's this drug being peddled, btw?  

Colon Guard: I've said it once, I'll say it again...

 

I get it.  I've been through two colonoscopies.  They are not pleasant experiences.  I mean, the actual process is barely an experience at all.  The prep is what is pretty much the opposite of pleasant.  

Still, it's covered by health insurance and it's hard to exaggerate how important it is.  That being said, I am plenty sick of these commercials featuring obviously well-off people with plenty of time on their hands being so damn comfortable cutting corners on a test that could literally add years to your life if it results in early detection.  

You just know the target audience for Colon Guard are the same people who will think nothing of binge-watching Netflix or binge-scrolling Tiktok or dropping hundreds of dollars on a concert or trip to a local amusement park for the family.....but when it comes to doing a freaking cancer screening, NOW you're concerned about the cost in time and money?  Please.

I bet you can get a deep discount on slightly-damaged parachutes, too.  What the hell is going on here? When it's time for a colonoscopy GET IT DONE IN A SPECIALIST'S OFFICE YOU RIDICULOUS KNOBS.  What's next, do-it-yourself dentistry?  Wait...what?  That's an actual thing too?

All Off-the-shelf mediation companies need to read this post

 

My nose is running and my throat is getting sore

and I'm sure not sleeping like the way I did before

I think it's aaaaaaaaaaaaallergies

I hate these aaaaaaaaaaaalergies

these commercials make it look like magic's in the air

instead of pollen, grass and don't forget all that nasty old pet hair

I hate my aaaaaaaaaaaaaaalergies

G-d- these aaaaaaaaaaaaaalergies

Well it's not magic, you can't just pop one and then go about your day 

the symptoms will continue till you think you'll go insane

because they're aaaaaaaaaalergies

we all hate aaaaaaaaaaaaaalergies

Ok, that's enough of that.

It's bad enough that all of these ads- for Claritin, Allegra, Benadryl, Nyquil, Dayquil, etc. all pitch the idea that you are one dose away from being completely free of symptoms and ready to tackle the world- or play with a puppy, though for the life of me I can't understand why anyone would want to do either.  Here in the real world, medication is sold in multi-dose packages because it takes days of treatment to feel any relief at all.  And if you're going to roll around on the grass and stick your nose into a damn puppy's fur, there's probably not enough dosage out there to really save you from yourself anyway.  At least when I got my severe attack last weekend it was because it was 80 degrees and sunny and I took a walk.  I didn't lick any trees or shove grass clippings up my nose, daring an immune response.  Christ what is it with these people?  We don't see people on insulin celebrating having their blood sugar under control by consuming entire sheet cakes.  Why do we see allergy sufferers rolling around in pollen snorting puppies?  Stupid.  At least as stupid as my "song."

Honey Nut Cheerios? I have so many questions

1.  I can see why this woman wants to eat her cereal in the massive living room of her massive house and not the kitchen.  But why did she bring the box in with her?

2.  More, why did she bring a brand-new, unopened box in with her when there's already cereal in her bowl?  

3.  I get that the dialogue is supposed to (however clunkily) connect to the song, but who the hell "talks to their heart" about cereal?  Is she "talking" to her heart by providing her body "heart-healthy" nutrients?  I suppose, but if that's the case, I think the message she's sending is "I really care for you, heart, but not enough to avoid sugar and eat an actual breakfast that isn't basically candy."

4.  Other than her heart, who is she talking to?  The box?  Oh my god- the bee?  Does she actually see that bee?  Come to think of it, does she actually hear that music?  Or is she just a lunatic eating a toddler's breakfast and doing a weird sitting dance from her couch?

5.  "We are powerful?"  Who is "we?"  Oh my god- she DOES see that bee.  Her next lines- when she stops having a mild fit on the couch- are "we ARE sane, and we do NOT need to sign those Power of Attorney papers, and the kids do NOT have to see to our financial affairs."  

That Allstate Commercial that rips off Dr. Pepper's Fansville

 

I am a fan of the New England Patriots, the Boston Red Sox, the Maryland Terrapins, and the Catholic University Cardinals.  All that being said, neither I nor anybody in my family would take offense if the fan of an opposing team showed up wearing the colors of that team.*

The people in this ad act like members of a cult, and the first thought that crossed my mind when watching it was why didn't the girl warn her boyfriend in advance that her entire family were a bunch of intolerant loons who had taken a blood pledge to a college in North Carolina?  My second thought was, why didn't Allstate go all out and push the envelope, portraying

....the reaction of a Sunni family to the boyfriend showing up wearing a yarmulke?  Or

....the reaction of a Jehovah's Witness family to the boyfriend showing up with a birthday cake?  Or

....the reaction to a Sane, Tolerant family to the boyfriend showing up wearing a MAGA hat?

But I keep going back to my original question:  Did the girlfriend not know that her boyfriend went to Duke? Wouldn't that come up in a conversation at some point?  Is this a Montague-Capulet deal?  Why was the guy blindsided like this?  

Also, isn't the No-Longer-Potential-Life-Partner-Because-He-Went-To-The-Wrong-School-in-NC far better off?  I thought the families in the Dr. Pepper Fansville commercials were nuts.  Oh wait- is this a crossover?

*Unless they show up wearing a Yankees cap.  I mean, we all have limits.

How did I miss this Kia Holiday Sales Event Commercial?

 

I mean, it does such a great job aping the Lexus December to Remember ads that it could pass as a Saturday Night Live skit.  As in, "Look- here's a sort-of kind-of if-you-squint-and-ignore-pretty-much

-everything, this looks like a Lexus no really."

And I'm almost glad that I live in a universe where people who aren't hedge fund managers can aspire to own a car that at least pretends to provide a...um...."luxury" experience.  All you have to do is sign here and spend the next four years pretending that isn't a KIA logo on the front chrome and the steering wheel (again, squint really hard and MAYBE you can make it look like it's a Lexus.)  Just put a red ribbon on it and stick it in the driveway and hope beyond hope that when the significant other you bought it for looks at it, the scene doesn't turn into a replay of George Costanza's gifting of a cashmere sweater.  As in "oh it's beautiful, it's gorgeous, how could you possibly afford.....ewww, what's that?  A KIA logo?  Ooooh....well....it's still beautiful, really, I mean, thanks very much....um....you got the warranty, right?"

This Outback Commercial is the ultimate in Low Effort....

 

...so my take on it will match it's imaginative energy, if not the energy of it's main character.

Seriously, though- I've never in my life been as excited about anything as much as this guy is at the prospect of eating a mid-priced steak dinner at a chain restaurant.  After being turned down for a job, yet.  This guy should have been hired for his enthusiasm alone, except that if he's this fixated on Yet Another Night at Outback I doubt he's got a lot left for whatever the job is. 

That's all I've got, except that I continue to be impressed at how over-the-top the reaction to going to Outback is for this guy.  Imagine if he won a gift card to Ruth's Chris.  I think he'd explode.

"Confused?" Yes, Snickers, I am.

 

About a few things, actually...

First, is the second woman at this table such an addict that the connection between her brain and her muscles simply fails if her blood sugar drops below a certain level?  She looks as though she has no idea what she did with that glass or why she did it.  I would be thinking epilepsy, not "let's get you another quick sugar fix."  Does her friend carry candy around in her purse specifically for occasions like this?

Second, the woman who just had what I'll charitably refer to as an "episode" needs something other than a sugar hit.  She needs a roll of absorbent paper towels so she can clean up her mess.  Because, you know, it's her responsibility and if she walks out without at least offering she ought to be banned from the place.  

Third...seriously, Mars?  We're still doing this "you're not yourself when you're hungry" bit?  It's almost twenty years old now.  And it never made any sense.  Sugar doesn't satisfy hunger.  It stimulates it- besides leading to a lot of other health issues that DON'T result from a balanced diet.  And I don't see how this commercial sells your product anyway.  Personality-changing addiction is funny?  Since when?

This Special K with Berries Commercial

 

So the question is "Why does Special K have 10 grams of protein?"  Followed by several shots of an old woman who needs energy and thinks that getting it from a bowl of soggy pencil shavings makes more sense than from eggs (which have six ounces of protein EACH.)

I have a better question.  Why does a 19-ounce box of Special K cost almost $9?  If you get your protein from eggs, you are paying about 4 cents per gram.  If you get it from Special K, it will cost you about 20 cents per gram.  And that doesn't include the milk you kind of have to consume along with the Special K but aren't necessary to serve along with the eggs.  

I'm just sayin'....if are going to eat Special K because you like Special K, that's fine.  But don't tell me you're spending that kind of money on cereal because you figure you need the protein.  If it's all about the protein, eat an egg or two.  This isn't rocket science. 

Kalshi is a product of Unregulated Capitalism. Everything old is new again.

 

This is one of those ads that throws so much insulting Stupid at the viewer that it's hard to decide what to focus on.  A lot of the commentators are fixated on the idea of betting on Jesus rising from the dead- and the comment section has predictably become a silly debate over who wins that Not-A-Bet-Don't-Call-It-A-Bet.  Being an adult in the 21st century, I have zero interest in wading into that fetid swamp.  

As a student of history, I was more taken by the image of Paul Revere warning "the British are coming" while riding through what looks to be a burning city.  Like, what the actual hell?  If the British were responsible for those flames, wouldn't the people in the town have gotten the hint way before Revere showed up?  This looks like a guy running through the streets of Pompeii while lava flows down and smoking rocks are crashing everywhere yelling "Vesuvius is Erupting!"  No S--t, Sherlock.  

What does this have in common with Jesus's rising from the dead?  Well, neither happened.  Ok, I went there.  But just for a moment. 

What REALLY interests me is labeling Kalshi for what it is- an online Bucket Shop.  In the 19th century, the Bucket Shops were open-street "markets" where people could bet (excuse me, "take futures in") whether particular stocks would go up or down.  They didn't involve the actual purchase of stock any more than current betting apps involve buying shares in sports teams.  Exactly like Kalshi, they didn't involve the transfer of actual product at all.  In 1906 the Supreme Court closed down the Bucket Shops by declaring them to be engaged in illegal gambling.  

Kalshi is no different.  It's a Bucket Shop you don't have to sneak out to in disguise to avoid being spotted and judged by your friends.  But in every other respect, it's gambling on steroids.  "Future Markets."  Give me a break.

NetCredit to the (Stupid) People

 

There's just something so off-putting about watching people with garbage credit (usually caused by failure to make timely payments or overutilization of existing credit) celebrate being given the opportunity to go more heavily into debt.  In reality, kicking the can down the road, accepting money at ruinous interest rates is nothing to be proud of, let alone happy about.  But these people act like robbing Peter to pay Paul is akin to winning the damn lottery.  What a sad display- and an even worse commentary on the state of the American Economy.  

Random Thoughts On This Skyrizi Ad

 

1.  Is it a requirement for employment at this pool-playground-resort that you are afflicted nasty skin and are on Skyrizi?

2.  The woman working at the ice cream stand is way too happy with her crummy job.  She must be the resort owner or something.  I've never been that happy doing anything in my entire life.  Handing ice cream to kids and waiting tables sure wouldn't do it for me.

3.  Those kids don't want to have a conversation with you.  Just give them their damn ice cream.

4.  Is this woman the only employee?  Who is preparing ice cream when she's carrying whatever the hell that stuff is to a table?  Why does she think she has time to chat with the customers?  Someone is waiting at the counter to order ice cream.  What the actual hell is going on here?

5.  Why isn't this woman wearing sunglasses?  Sure seems bright out, and she seems to be engaged in a constant squint.  

6.  Is the guy really trying to teach kids how to swim?  He doesn't know how to.  Why aren't the kids wearing goggles?  He wears goggles when he swims underwater. Why did he just jump into the pool right next to them, splashing chlorine into their eyes, when you KNOW there are "No Jumping" signs all over the place?  

Ok I'm done.  This ad is really, really stupid.

The Split Pay by Rent App is both terrifying and depressingly predictable

 

It's basically AfterPay for Rent, except that I'm pretty sure that AfterPay for Rent already existed.  It's in line with proposals for 50-year mortgages and the ever-lengthening car note (which will average 7 years in 2026, up from 5 two years ago and 3 twenty years ago...)

And how does this even help?  If your rent is $1000 a month (you must be renting that room Patrick Swayze lived in outside of Jasper, Missouri in Road House) and you can split it into two payments of $500 every two weeks...what does this do, exactly?  You still need $1000 a month.  Who has $500 every two weeks but not $1000 a month.  Oh, right- people who are absolutely horrible at managing money.  Like "if my rent is not due for 28 days, I'm going to spend that money before I can write a check to the landlord."  This app is created for people who know they are stupid children with money who cannot be depended on to pay their predictable, scheduled bills despite having predictable, scheduled paydays.

I'd love to see the correlation between people who use this- um- "service" and the people who use one of those apps that "pay" (lend you) your salary by the day because budgeting between paychecks is suddenly Too Difficult Because Reasons, Probably Because of those Boomers Who Ruined Everything.  I bet it's really high.  What odds can I get, DraftKings?

Is Capvaxive a treatment for Loud Liberal Posing?

 

Gotta love how the woman at the center of this ad is supposed to be helping to clean up a beach, but instead is more focused on picking up a single tin can and then just standing there as if she's just conquered the freaking universe.  I think her photograph must be in the encyclopedia under "Performative Activism."

And then, to put the perfect period on the day, we see her eating lunch out of some truck diner using a plastic cup and plastic straw.  Yeah, she's super into the environment, bro.  Get her a medal to go along with that halo. 

Jeep disproves the old adage "Legends Never Die."

 

Jeep is still trying to get some mileage (no pun intended) from the dim memory of it being a uniquely American product known for it's reliability and toughness.  Never mind that the brand has been owned by Stellantis- a Dutch company- for more than a decade now and nobody who knows anything about cars thinks that anything carrying the Jeep brand built after 2016 is worth anywhere near the sticker price.

Not sure why Stellantis thought it was a good idea to show it's latest garbage falling apart while traveling at high speeds, but I'll give points for accuracy, anyway.  Current Jeep owners will certainly recognize the parts in the exploded view- it's what they see scattered on the garage floor at their mechanic on a regular basis. 

What is Pepperidge Farm doing with these ads?

 

1.  Why does everyone in these Goldfish Cracker Commercials act so awkward and nervous? It's like they KNOW they look stupid.  But it's all so cringe.  First we had the guy and girl repeatedly bumping hands because no one could be bothered to find a damn bowl.  Now this.  Whatever this is.

2.  Why are there Goldfish Cracker Commercials at all?  Who the hell doesn't already know about the existence of these things?  

3.  How is any of this supposed to make me want to eat Goldfish Crackers?  Especially if they aren't the whole grain ones.  The only Goldfish Crackers worth eating are the whole grain ones.  All of this is just so stupid.

What is actually going on in this Eylea Ad?

 

I get that grandma wants to see granddaughter in the recital and thanks to this medication- and a front-row seat- she gets to do that.  But there's something really off about this ad.  Several somethings, in fact.

Grandma is staring at the stage with a frozen smile on her face that has me half-convinced that she's just enjoying the experience of being out of the Assisted Living Home for a few hours and isn't at all sure what she's watching.  Is the medication helping grandma see the performance better, or does it just prevent blinking?

Is granddaughter really coming down from the stage to hand grandma a battery-powered nightlight shaped like a star and a hug, or is this just happening in grandma's imagination?  I kind of think the latter, because it seems like every other person in the audience would be a parent or grandparent and would be wondering what the star treatment (I didn't mean that to be a pun) is all about.  If it's all just grandma's imagination, doesn't that mean that she's just wandered off into her own fantasy world again and nothing she's dreaming up in her own head requires eye medication?

Come to think of it, maybe Eylea has nothing to do with eyes.  Maybe it's just an hallucinogen made for the elderly promoted by adult children and grandchildren to get old people to stop asking for so much attention.  Baby Tiffany never calls or visits?  Put a few drops of this stuff in your eyes and the next thing you know, you'll "see" Tiffany dancing on stage and even stepping down to pay homage in the form of glowing stars.  That good enough for you, grandma?  

The way Fitbit reduces stress: Ignore Everything except the step tracker

 

The only thing consistent about my Fitbit's "fitness tracker" feature is it's almost comical inconsistency.

Saturday:  "You've been maintaining fitness and your readiness is moderate.  Aim for 10-34 zone minutes."

I work out on Saturday and exceed the recommendations.

Sunday:  "You've been maintaining fitness and your readiness is high.  Aim for 20-75 zone minutes."

I take a long walk and spend most of the day at the gym.

Monday:  "You've really been pushing it lately and are in danger of overtraining.  Schedule some time for recovery to avoid injury.  Aim for 1-18 zone minutes."

I take a long walk, hit the gym, and go way above requirements.

Tuesday:  "You have been maintaining fitness and your readiness is moderate.  Aim for 20-56 zone minutes."

I take a break from exercise though as usual hit my step goal.

Wednesday:  "You have been maintaining fitness. Aim for 40-80 zone minutes to get back on track." WTF?

I hit the gym and go way above recommendations.

Thursday:  "Schedule some time for Recovery.  Aim for 1-10 zone minutes to prevent injury."

I get my steps in and hit 14 zone minutes.

Friday:  "You are at risk of undertraining and your readiness is High.  Aim for 40-99 zone minutes."

What. the Actual. F?

Add to this the fact that every few days I can do an hour on the treadmill, get 10,000 steps in, and record ZERO zone minutes, and I'm convinced that I should stop reading the Daily Goal paragraph on my Fitbit and just look at the step tracker.  That seems to be pretty accurate.  Maybe the sleep score too.  But I'm done with the Daily Goal nonsense; that feature was clearly programmed by the same people who brought us the Magic 8 Ball method of making decisions.    

(Quick Update:  Yesterday I hit 229 zone minutes and a cardio load of 155 (target was 90-125.)  So what does Fitbit say this morning?  "You've been at risk of undertraining recently...." and my cardio load target is 145-194.  I guarantee that if I reach that goal, tomorrow it will tell me that I'm in danger of overtraining.  This thing is an absolute JOKE.)

KFC just needs to make their Bowls a little Bigger....

 

These things already contain fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, potatoes, and gravy.  Make the bowl a little larger and KFC could add gummy bears, cigarettes, whiskey, and a gambling app and make this the perfect Grab and Go for people in a hurry to destroy their lives. 

"Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl."  I wish I had thought of that.  And yes, 2 AM in your own apartment is the only proper time and place to consume this Most American Meal Ever.

I don't get these Bullseye Air Compressor Commercials. Like, at ALL

 

I've kept a portable air compressor in the trunk of my car for well over a decade.  I got my niece one for her car.  We've used them to fill tires, basketballs, footballs, floatation devices- anything that needs air.  

Which is why the people in these ads absolutely astonish me.  They come off as skeptical that such a device is possible without slight of hand or magic and in the real world it must be a scam of some kind.  A portable air compressor that you charge at home every once in a while and then keep in your car to deal with low tire situations?*  What's next, a mini version of a vacuum for your car?  A mounting device for a cell phone on the dashboard?  What kind of bizarre Utopia are we living in these days?

Seriously, though.  I don't know if this thing works well- the reviews on YouTube are not promising- but you can buy them off the shelf at your local Home Depot or (probably) Walmart.  This is not new if you haven't been living under a rock for the past many, many years.  Why are these idiots acting as if they are watching a wizard at work?  

*I do object to the depiction of a completely flat tire; if it has a puncture, all the compressed air in the world isn't going to help you for what I hope are obvious reasons.  For that you'll need another Very Available, Very Portable product called a Fix-a-Flat- though personally I'd rather just call AAA and have them switch it out with my spare.**

**actual spare, not the worthless donut the insultingly cheap dealerships stick you with these days.  $25,000 on average for a base-model new car and they can't include an actual extra tire....but that's a rant for another time. 

Royal Match, Royal Kingdom...Addiction by any other name....

 

I'm so disturbed that there's even something called the Mobile Game Industry...

Turns out that these ubiquitous "free" games (actually the same game tweaked and relabeled to con the losers who fall down these time-and-money-wasting tunnels to nowhere) are all about dopamine hits mixed with just enough frustration to convince users to purchase upgrades and just enough advertisement to make it profitable even if 100 percent of the people who download don't become absolutely obsessed with this life-draining nonsense.

Never mind Jimmy Kimmel, who like Shakira and Lebron just ask "how high" when told by their corporate masters to jump as long as those masters are waving fistfuls of money they don't really need and don't know what to do with in their faces.  Let's note every commercial that does not include an actual celebrity- they all show seemingly normal people doing normal things (preparing meals in the kitchen, having a backyard barbecue, etc.) being fascinated by what looks to a Boomer like me to be Candy Crush with Royalty.  And effortlessly recruiting their spouses and friends to join in the "fun" by offering a mere glance at their phones. 

How empty are their lives that this looks absolutely irresistible after three seconds?  I'd be asking when it became perfectly normal to do everything with one hand and fifty percent of your brain tied behind your back.  Maybe I should have mentioned that all the people shown engaged in this junk are legal adults.  Legal adults who if they are so easily sucked into investing time and money into this bleak empty garbage are almost certainly also going down the road of economic destruction through equally "fun" gambling apps as well. 

Can we bring actual hobbies back?  How about actual quality time with fellow humans?  Time not spent staring at a screen and engaging in "activities" that suck money out of our wallets for a few moments of - well, I don't even know.  Why is this fun again?

Have I mentioned lately how sad this country is?

Terrible Optics for this Chase Commercial and the Girl Scouts (if these are in fact Girl Scout Cookies.)

 

1.  Apparently it's not about raising money for a good cause.  It's a major competition that only one of these very competitive little girls can win, and both are determined to be the Champion Number One Whatever.  The cookies are just the means by which a Champion can be Crowned.

2.  The moment we gained access to digital payment options, handling actual currency became incredibly awkward, virtually impossible.  Because I grew up handling cash and I can't remember it being this big a deal to transfer paper from one hand to another or even to (gasp) make change.  

3.  Yeah, digital payments are totally flawless and would never accidentally duplicate themselves.  I don't know why every transaction isn't a worry-free tap of a phone, those NEVER go wrong.

4.  You roll your eyes at me while I'm trying to help your cause, and I'm cancelling the sale and keeping my money.  This little girl does it TWICE.  What a great representative of her generation.  Goodbye, little girl.  I can buy cookies from anyone, including at the store, with cash, without the condescending, triggered annoyed looks.  I'm sooooo sorry it's taking more than thirty seconds to finish this transaction, but please avoid this "problem" by skipping my house next year. 

Superbowl 2026 Ad #1- of course, it's a stupid Jeep Commercial

 

If Christmas is the Hallmark Channel's Superbowl, then the Superbowl is Advertising's Christmas. Somehow, the ads for the big game have become as big a story- maybe even a bigger story- than the sporting event it sponsors.  NFL Network even has a "Best Superbowl Ads Ever" show.

Personally, I think the absolute worst thing about attending game parties is being unable to escape the ads and the inevitable conversations created by the ads.  As the years have moved along, I've noticed that more and more the casual chitchat is reserved for the time the players are on the field and is halted during the commercials.  I guess it was inevitable that a mere football game being played between two teams not supported by at least 90 percent of viewers would take a back seat to advertisements (not to mention an only slightly truncated concert tucked in between the 2nd and 3rd quarters.)  

As it turns out, I won't be attending a Superbowl party for the first time since the Plague of 2020/21, which means I'll be watching with a remote in my hand ready to hit MUTE when the actual game is not on the screen.  Hey, I'm a curmudgeon, remember?

Oh, I guess I should say a few things about this ad for everyone's favorite pile of junk, Jeep.  Well, let's see...the premise is that we've got a little kid obsessed with silly purchase made by his father when dad was hung over and watching late-night TV back in the 80s (maybe it was grandpa?)  The little kid's mom is pregnant for no reason (unless something else happens in the final ten seconds involving her, I don't know, I stopped watching after "I can see my wires" because by then it had crossed the line into Beaten To Death Joke and I was done.)  We know for sure she's pregnant because she's got her arm resting on her stomach like All Pregnant Women in TV ads do. 

For some reason the kid really, really wants to take an obvious piece of plastic to the river, and for some reason dad is willing to drive the kid and the stupid piece of plastic what seems like many, many miles to find a suitable river to put it in.  All of this is in service of driving the family's much, much bigger dumb purchase, with it's panoramic sunroof and apparent ability to hit a pothole and get wet without needing servicing (is Jeep upping it's game?)

The kid puts the piece of plastic in the river and I guess it's a Magic Fish but not the good kind that grants wishes, just the kind that is grateful for five seconds and then accusatory when it finds out that freedom is not all it's cracked up to be.  I have no idea why that bear continues to eat the fish when it's clear it's plastic.  I have no idea why this stupid plastic fish has so many wires.  I have no idea why the dad is trying to defend himself to it.  It's a plastic fish that doesn't even grant wishes.

All I see here is the overindulgence of a creepy little boy who needs therapy and friends by a father who thinks that there's something environmentally sane about driving a brand-new piece of garbage to a remote area to toss a fifty-year old piece of garbage into a river.

What am I missing? Oh, don't bother- I'm sure I'll be told in the breakroom, or by several of my classes, tomorrow.    

Those weird Rinvoq Commercials...

 

This one is uniquely nasty because we see a short-sleeved chef scratching his nasty dry itchy skin while preparing food- I mean, yuck.  Where's the damn health inspector when you need her?

But the others all have one annoying thing in common- they all feature people who seem to have been given exciting, active lives, complete with expensive hobbies and holidays to exotic places, along with their Rinvoq prescriptions.  If I get an Rx for this stuff will it come with a first-class ticket to a warm beach somewhere?  Are the cool friends included or is that only with the Gold Plan on the health care network?

Sorry, Dominoes...

 

...but nothing about watching flabby future diabetes patients wax poetic about their love of the variety of bland starch available at your "restaurant"- pizza, cinnamon "bites," bread "buttons," etc.- makes me hungry for America's Favorite Carbohydrate Delivery System. 

These people need Domino's like they need more screen time.  They'd be far better off with a balanced diet and an exercise program- hey, THAT sounds like a "perfect combo" to me, but where's the money in that, right?

MINI car, MAJOR headache

 

Turn heads!  Get attention!  Pay through the nose for endless repairs!

It's the return of the ICONIC JCW Mini-Cooper, the little car that allows you to "rule the road" between your house and the garage run by a mechanic you will definitely be on a first-name basis with!

Seriously- this is just so silly.  The gimmick for these cars seems to be their impracticality; yes, what sane people see as a glitch is actually a feature.  This car is ridiculously expensive for what you get, infamous in its unreliability, uncomfortable for anyone over 5'8" or so, etc.  It's an uncomfortable money pit that screams "look how rich I am; I can even blow money on this.  How much money?  Actual big car money- like, $40,000- what you losers pay for cars with four doors and enough room for more than a bag of groceries in the back."  

This is a mini compact car, almost a FIAT.  Even a Mitsubishi Mirage had four doors, for chrissakes, and it's actually possible to drive a Mitsubishi more than a few hundred miles without paying out the nose for upkeep.  What people will do to show they don't care about money.  Unbelievable.

KIA uses ALL the lipstick in this ad

 

There's something almost adorable about KIA's attempt to sell it's latest pile of unreliable junk as a symbol of luxury, isn't there?

I'm trying to imagine any rich couple with the means of buying a luxury SUV actually choosing a KIA over the other options- Lexus, Audi, BMW- none of which are worth anything close to their price tags either but at least come with those popular logos.  This thing has a base price of just under 40k with the model being shown on screen running closer to 60k.  Why would anyone with that kind of money use it to buy a KIA?  

The answer is, of course, that they would not.  KIA wants to be in the Big Boys Club with the brands mentioned above- brands that get sales from stupid rich people because of the logo (it can't be because of reliability because there isn't any, not for ANY of these luxury brands.  It can't be because they hold their value because they simply do NOT.)  In this, KIA is exactly like Buick and is trying to achieve its goal in exactly the same way Buick is- with glossy paint and bells and whistles that have nothing to do with the simple ability to get from Point A to Point B and everything to do with turning the heads of people you don't know and who simply don't care.  Sad.

This Xfinity Commercial is Sadder than you think it is

 

Every once in a while, my little great-niece/goddaughter  announces that she is going to put on a "show" and then proceeds to sing and dance and throw herself around the living room, stopping to give us time to applaud.  

The little girl in this ad knows that she's in a family of inattentive television addicts who are so desperate for entertainment that they are watching figure skating, of all things.  So if she wants an audience, she'd better go upstairs (or the basement, I'm not watching this again) and set up the 2000 or so stuffed animals she's been given by parents who think that material goods are a great substitute for actual Attention. 

It turns out that this girl has adapted so well to being ignored by her alleged family that she's perfectly fine dancing in front of her toys instead of actual human beings, and has even convinced herself that they appreciate and love her- unlike those older people downstairs staring total strangers on the boob tube (who are engaged in figure skating.  Again- figure skating.  Not even the bobsled or luge or Alpine skiing.  Not even short track skiing.  Figure skating.  Hell, it may even be Artistic Pairs or Ice Dance, though I am not willing to go that far because I don't want to slander these people.  

But as I said- in my family, if my little great-niece saw this on tv and wanted to imitate it, she wouldn't retreat to a quiet part of the house to "skate" in front of stuffed animals.  She'd do it in front of us, and she'd have our attention, because I like to think we aren't all disgusting distracted zombies so detached from our own lives that we'd rather watch...whatever the hell this event is that should end right now so we can get back to actual competitive, entertaining Olympic events like skiing and bobsled, as God Intended. 

DraftKings: Know When To Fold 'Em

 

Actual message of this ad:  "Don't worry about how much money you're losing, just keep gambling.  There will be plenty of time to pick up the shattered pieces of your financial situation later.  Only a loser keeps an eye on the wins and losses during the game.  You don't want to be a loser, do you?  Next thing you know, you'll be telling us you want to stop drinking just because you're drunk!"

When in the depths of destructive addiction, it is NOT the time to consider the damage that addiction is doing to your life.  What would the people around you say if you stopped gambling?  They'd probably call you a wimp.  They certainly wouldn't respect you because you're acting like a Debby Downer instead of Sticking to the Plan, the Plan being- keep risking that paycheck for that dopamine hit because let's face it, watching sports is simply no fun unless you can bet on it.

The important thing is to JUST KEEP GAMBLING.  You never count your losses when you're sittin' at the bar stool.  There'll be time enough for countin' when the money's gone.

F---ng heartwarming.  

Actually, FanDuel, it's "No RIGHT Way..."

 

In this ad, Jacopo is doubling down- not happy with feeding an addiction to alcohol, he's going to push his patrons into satisfying their sad addiction to gambling as well.  May I ask why?  How does his bar benefit if people gamble while they drink and watch football?  Oh, maybe it keeps them glued to the set longer, which means they consume more alcohol?

Meanwhile, definitely see no problem with the promoted combination of drinking and gambling.  Yeah, those are two things that go GREAT together, like drinking and driving almost.  For shame, Jacopo!

Dominoes made this "Treat Yourself" specifically for people like me

 

First, you've got the two twentysomethings who look like they are absolutely thrilled to be overworked, underpaid minions of a multi-billion-dollar company like it's freaking Microsoft back in the days when they had all those goofy extras at HQ.  Just, no.  There's no way Dominoes employees are anywhere close to this excited about simply working at Dominoes- but these clowns are promoting the crap out of the place like they are shareholders or something.

Second, yes- because I am who I am- I just have to address the, err, elephant in the room.  The woman ordering Dominoes doesn't look like she has to be talked into treating herself.  Perhaps the actual goal is to ruin her appetite?  That would be a nice twist ending for this stupid dreck.  Certainly better than the flat "can I please have my pizza" from a woman who kind of obviously came in to buy a pizza WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO TALK HER INTO BUYING A PIZZA YOU STUPID KNOBS?

This Stupid Progressive "Drive-Thru" Insurance Ad...and an appeal for help for a YouTube Commenter...

 

1.  Why did the people in this vehicle leave it to the driver to remember all of their orders?  Why aren't they just giving them individually?  

2.  Given this guy's inability to articulate a full sentence, I'm not sure I would ride with him because I'm not sure I'd trust his ability to operate heavy machinery. 

3.  Anyone else think that the switch is all about getting a multimillionaire to pick up the whole tab?

And finally- to what I'm sure is a very nice guy in the comment section....please, if you are "on the floor" as a result of this commercial...well, I really hope that the next Administration takes the treatment of mental illness much more seriously.  Good luck getting through the next three years, buddy.

King Hawaiian Rolls and Eli Manning think that Fahrenheit 451 is a cool story

 

There's nothing this overexposed hack won't do for a few extra bucks to add to the pile, I guess...

You see, it's FUNNY because it's Eli Manning and he's supposed to be a NERD and we KNOW he's 

supposed to be a NERD because he's wearing glasses and an ugly sweater and hanging out with fellow unattractive NERDS doing NERD LOSER THINGS like being in BOOK CLUBS and we all know that book clubs are only for LOSERS.  Cool people aren't in book clubs because cool people don't READ, they watch FOOTBALL and eat sliders made with King Hawaiian rolls because they are COOL.

The only thing missing here is the old book club celebrating their graduation to COOLNESS by burning those books while WATCHING TV LIKE A REAL AMERICAN.  That would "sure beat the book club" and put an apostrophe on this "lighthearted" assault on intellectualism courtesy of King Hawaiian Rolls. 

Jason Statham: If you've seen one....

 

When I first heard the radio ad for this film, I thought it was an SNL skit:  "Jason Statham plays an ex-agent forced out of retirement to protect his little girl..." 

So....basically...Jason Statham plays Jason Statham in a Jason Statham film.  Ex-agent forced out of retirement to protect an innocent person from bad guys?  Can I assume he'll be beating up entire gangs of thugs with his bare hands, with at least a few slow-motion cuts, until finally confronting the Big Bad and killing (or, for a slight change of pace because he does do this sometimes) arresting him after beating him up too?

I mean, I get it: predictability can be very comforting.  But man, it costs $25 these days to go to the movies, and they are usually available on some streaming service by the time you get back home with your unfinished bucket of corn (oh wait, I forgot the snacks; make that $50.)  And speaking of buckets of corn....yeah, Jason Statham is technically an actor who clearly has a very lucrative career playing Jason Statham.  But be honest, Statham fans- if I randomly popped one of his eighty films into a DVD player and started running it from twenty minutes in, could you name it with any level of confidence? I mean, with less than five guesses?  I doubt it. 

I don't want to knock anyone's hustle, but geeeeeesh.  If you go to the theater with any doubt in your mind about how every single scene is going to play out, I kind of feel sorry for you.  Actually, I think you're just in denial.  Either way, enjoy the two servings of nutrition-free popcorn; the one in the bucket on your lap, and the one on the screen. 

Mr. Sandless seeks Mr. Clueless for Scammy Franchise Non-Opportunity

 

The radio version of this ad boasts of the "low franchise fee" of "only $20,000," adding the fatal words "you can put that on a credit card"- the tag line of every multi-level marketing "opportunity." 

Let me explain something that you should already know if you really have the business skills to run a franchise:  If your credit is so broken that you need to put a franchise fee on a credit card, you have no BUSINESS thinking that you can run a BUSINESS.  The average interest rate for people with GOOD credit is 19.99%.  You can't get a small business loan from your local bank or credit union but are ready to max out your credit card to start a business?  

You think I'm going to trust you to sand my floors?  I wouldn't even let you through the door.  Once you're in, you'd probably refuse to leave until I agreed to join your Downline because Hey Selling Essential Oils to your Facebook Friends is a great way to generate Passive IncomeTM.