Declare Independence by taking on Debt!

 

(Yes, I know I'm using the same ad as a few days ago, but who watches them anyway?  I have a few more points to make.)

The fully-equipped Toyota Capstone (shown being used to pick up coffee in this ad) has an out-the-door price of $83,000.  That's not a misprint- the price starts with an EIGHT.

At 4.9% financing (available only to customers with credit scores in the top 10%) and no money down, this translates into payments of $1193 spread out over Seventy-Two Months.)  The AVERAGE new car of ANY model carries a note of $775 per month for an average of SIXTY months.  Buying this truck isn't a Declaration of Independence; it's the taking of a new mortgage.  

I also love that this ad shows a young black woman buying the truck.  The average black family in the United States has an annual income of $56,000 compared to just over $80,000 for the average white family.  This truck is not a feasible purchase for white people; it's downright insulting to show a twenty-something black girl buying one.  (BTW, how many twentysomething black girls in the United States do you think qualify for 4.9% financing?  How many who AREN'T celebrities?)

I bet people who buy these things are sold on the fact that they are, after all, Toyotas and not Kias or Hyundais or (g-d forbid) Jeeps or Fords and therefore at least will provide reliable transportation and keep more of their value over the seven years they are going to be chained at the hip to them.  But still- signing away money that could be building equity in a retirement fund for a depreciating asset that wasn't worth anything close to the price tag when BRAND NEW is shocking-stupid and definitely something I would expect an inexperienced, silly young person to do with a huge smile on her face while a salesperson (who absolutely has something to celebrate) shoots off confetti.

Cool Cove ACs- this summer's Robot Rabbits

 

I strongly believe that there's a factory somewhere in Eastern Europe that is constantly marketing and manufacturing something- ANYTHING- in response to whatever the hot (no pun intended) trend is in the Western World.

Christmas?  Check out these AI-enhanced robot puppies that "respond to your child's commands."  (Actually, the are just the same bark, wobble and flip junk toys that have been available at the Dollar Store for years now.)  Easter?  Now the AI-enhanced robots are rabbits, not puppies.  Otherwise, the exact same product.

A brutal heatwave in the Developed (Western, Rich, filled with stupid people with money) World?  Let's crank out fake "miracle air conditioners" that can cool rooms from 90 to 60 degrees in seconds with zero installation, no condensation, and very little electricity used- the "miracle" is found in the breaking of the laws of physics and thermodynamics.  Let's buy cheap (again, AI-generated) ads with fake five-star reviews and plaster them all over Facebook where ignorant dopes looking for some relief can get suckered in with the promise of cool temperatures at low cost and minimal effort.  Never mind that these "air conditioners" are nothing more than cheap electric fans sold at enormous markups despite the low-on-the-surface cost (if the advertised price is $19.99 plus shipping from Croatia or Vietnam, it's actually closer to $30, and if you ever actually get the product- long after the heat wave has passed- you'll find that you bought a tiny $2 fan encased in an unnecessarily large plastic container.)  

This same "product" will be rebranded as a Miracle Heater this winter, I guarantee it.  And it will sell, because people are Dumb.  I mean, CarShield is still a thing, right?  

Toyota: Good Cars, Stupid Commercials

 

With the single exception of my very first car, a 1974 Superbeetle purchased for me by my Volkswagen-devotee grandfather, every single automobile I've ever owned has been a Toyota or a Honda.   I think they are the best values on the market and have been for more than forty years, so I generally shy away from ragging on their commercials all that often.

Still, Jan the Toyota Spokeschoad has certainly gone to seed and even if she hadn't, this commercial for the Toyota Summer Sales Event is Peak Dumb.  First, we get the usual "purchasing this truck is your gateway to amazing summer adventures for reals," like it's impossible to complete a backyard project or take a trip to the mountains or the beach unless it's in an SUV masquerading as a work truck.  Never mind that last weekend I lugged 12 bags of volcanic rock home from the Tractor Supply Store in my 2-door Coupe.  Never mind that I regularly use the same car for week-long beach vacations.  I'm sure it would be much easier and, more importantly, FUN and EXCITING in a brand new truck, but I proved it could be done. 

Second, we get a look at what these "trucks" are actually going to be used for- picking up coffee at the Drive-Thru.  Something I'm really quite sure I can pull off in my Coupe but to be safe perhaps better not even attempt it without first purchasing a $30,000 Not-Truck from Jan.  After all, if I'm going to be a typical American truck owner, I'm going to be hauling a lot more drive-thru coffee than landscaping supplies and I'm going to be taking a lot more trips by myself to the store than with family to the beach or the mountains.  Not letting a dog in my car though.  No way.  

CarShield is still Legal in 49 states and DC. That IS scary.

 

Know what's scarier than driving a car that's out of warranty?

Well, actually...pretty much everything is scarier than driving a car out of warranty.  I've always said that buying a new car because it comes with a warranty is one of the dumbest sucker bet in retail- sure the warranties are legit in that they'll cover everything they say they'll cover, but they are also timed to last exactly until the new car's peak years have passed.  Three years, 30,000 miles?  Yeah, it's AFTER that point when you'll need new brakes, replacement parts, etc. etc. ETC.  NOT before.  So what did you actually get with that warranty?  Peace of mind?  Why were you concerned that a brand new car was going to fail within three years, 30,000 miles, especially when you specifically BOUGHT a new car because you didn't want to deal with the problems that come with a used one?  Did you really think this through?

Here's what I find scary- the idea that after class-action lawsuits by multiple Attorneys General, this scummy company is still hiring B-listers to pitch their crap to people who can't be bothered to do a quick Google search using the phrase CARSHIELD SCAM REPORTS or IS CARSHIELD A SCAM.  That there are thousands of people who continue to purchase BS warranties not worth the pieces of paper they aren't printed on from a company because its spokespeople are kind of recognizable.  That CarShield can settle for millions of dollars for deceptive practices and failure to pay out claims and STILL be able to afford to pitch it's phony not-available-in-California non-coverage to unsuspecting, vulnerable people who can least afford to hand over money and then find out that no, sorry, if you looked at the contract you'd note that the repair cannot be done without servicing one part which is not covered Because Reasons remember you were told All Covered Repairs are Covered, not that all repairs are covered there is a huge difference....

"Someone should help her."  You could do that right now- by urging her to put the money she was tempted to send to CarShield every month and put it into a separate high-yield savings account instead.  If the car breaks down, there's the money in that account to fix it.  If the car doesn't break down, there's the money in that account to spend in some other way.  Best of all, CarShield doesn't get to use any of it to hire has-beens for their commercials or attorneys to handle the next class action lawsuit.  Now isn't that much, much better?

Cheerios- just...why?

 

Hey look, it's a depiction of an adult American male acting like a total cringey doofus in a commercial.  So we know it's the 21st century in this ad, anyway.

I get that for decades, women were infantilized in stupid, sexist commercials written by men, paid for by men, and aired by networks owned by men.  I get that women were cast in stupid, sexist sitcoms written, directed, and produced by men (the sitcom formula of completely normal if not downright ugly men matched with hot younger women is very much alive and well even in present day.)  But I was raised to believe that two wrongs don't make a right.  Apparently this is not a popular philosophy in the world of Advertising, however. 

Moron Dad is back again, mortifying his children by acting like an embarrassing loon at the breakfast table.  His kids just want to eat their morning meal and get a start to their typical eight hours of screentime with their phones, but for some reason Dad has to make a spectacle of himself prancing around the kitchen, prompting the kids to sing (or, at least, bleat) the praises of freaking Cheerios.  Why?  Well, other than to pay those debts accrued over sixty years of portraying women as dopey eye candy, I have no idea. 

As to the product- as far as cereal goes, Cheerios is ok- even better than most.  That being said, it's still just mostly empty carbs nobody really needs in the morning, or at any other time of the day.  An egg or two would be much better, but if Dad ever finds that out, I'm downright terrified at the display he might put on while dishing out a plate of scrambled chicken fetuses.  

"Tell me something good?"  Um, none of our friends is here to witness this, and this is one thing I have no intention of streaming to Tiktok.  There.  

Epicooler: the short version

 

"Epicooler is an air conditioner that functions almost exactly the same way as every other air conditioner, but we'll describe it using words like 'for personal use' and 'non-permanent installation' and  'ambient' to make it sound special- never mind that, again, this describes every other air conditioner."

"Epicooler is 1 percent repackaged AC unit and 99 percent AI-generated scammy nonsense, which is why it's not available at any brick and mortar store or even at Amazon- that's right, this is a bridge too far even for the website that is happy to sell (not)-crystal Good Luck cat heads and robot rabbits that (don't, never did, never will) respond to commands and disappoint delight your child."

"In short, Epicooler is just this month's nonsense Miracle Product designed to grab up a few dollars before vanishing faster than the water vapor that magically vanishes into Nowhere instead of falling to the ground outside your window like every other air conditioner Because Physics.  It's a product that no Boomer unaware that Skynet is actually AI can do without."

Can Zendaya stop being a thing now?

 

I mean, at the very least, can T-Mobile and Apple find another spokesperson before introducing the Apple XIX or whatever is coming up next?  I can't be the only person out there totally over Zendaya's over-the-top "I'm so thrilled to death that T-Mobile and Apple are keeping me relevant with these stupid-ass commercials" performances.  This crap makes me miss those "can you hear me now?" ads- at least they focused on the phone's most important feature.  

Of course, nowadays I suppose most people don't really care if the person on the other end can hear them now, since they don't use their phones for calls anyway?  As long as they can stream or access Tiktok, their Phones Which Are Barely Phones work?

I don't want to hear, or see, Zendaya anymore.  So again- can she just stop being a thing now?

Why are all Insurance Commercials so insulting? Here's a quick explanation

 

Notice how commercials for insurance- be it for cars, homes or health care- never fail to treat the audience like we're all toddlers with bricks for brains, and tell us nothing or next to nothing about the benefits of the product being sold?  Instead we get CGI lizards and emus and Jake from State Farm stalking Pat Mahomes and if we have any brain cells at all (commenters on this YouTube post are obviously exempted) we are left wondering what on Earth any of this has to do with insuring our cars or homes or health.

Until now.  Because I've got the answer for you, free of charge, no stupid mascot or overexposed sports figures necessary.

Let's start with car insurance.  In every state in the country except New Hampshire (the weird state,) car insurance is an absolute requirement for legal use of the public roadways.  Want to operate a motor vehicle beyond your driveway?  You MUST purchase a minimum level of insurance from a licensed insurance broker.  

Now let's talk about home insurance.  Oddly, this is not technically required anywhere in the United States as long as you own your home outright.  However, if you are like the vast majority of home "owners" under the age of 60, a financial institution holds the mortgage on that house and every single one WILL require that you carry some form of insurance coverage on the home you jointly own.  And if you rent?  Landlords pretty much universally require that you carry some level of renter's insurance. 

Finally, let's look at health insurance.  From 2010 to 2019 there was an absolute legal requirement for all American citizens to carry a minimal level of health insurance from a licensed provider.  The federal requirement went away in 2019, but realistically the massive expense connected to health care represents a de facto requirement.  Sure, you can opt out of the health care insurance system- but you'll be one bad slip away from opting in to bankruptcy if you do.  Health insurance doesn't NEED to be a legal requirement any more than breathing does.  

See my point?  Insurance Companies don't create ads to convince you that you need to purchase their product.  They don't need to.  You have to purchase their product.  All these stupid commercials are doing is trying to convince you to buy THEIR version (because they've got a CGI Emu) instead of the OTHER GUY'S version (even though they've got a CGI Lizard) or that OTHER version (because they've got that old character actor you remember from the Spider-Man films) or still ANOTHER version (because they've got Jake and Pat Mahomes.)  They are appealing to a captive audience, so they aren't interested in selling us on the virtues of that product.  They are interested in planting their mascots into our brains so that when we buy what we HAVE to buy, we remember the cartoon character or that football player who used to win Super Bowls.  

Don't believe me?  Check out the comments.  I dare you.

Arsenio Hall, Payday Loans, and the Sad, Sad World of 2026

 

Once, there were loan sharks who worked out of the shadows of the back alleys.  Today, there are Payday loans available out of licensed, 100 percent legal "money stores" on every other corner of suburbia. 

Once, there were bookies.  Today, you can gamble using a super-cool phone app sold to you by every Hollywood A-lister and sports hero through ads shown during actual sporting events and financing entire pre-game and post-game shows.  

I really don't know which is worse- payday loans which charge interest rates which used to be illegal (until the Supreme Court in it's infinite wisdom decided that laws preventing the exploitation of economically desperate people were Unconstitutional) or commercials for gambling apps which make addiction look like the coolest thing imaginable and Good Clean Fun until you're evicted and your wife leaves with the kids and the dog you can't afford anymore anyway.

A few simple questions for Febreze Users

 

When you spill something on the floor, do you just throw a rug over the mess and go on with your life?

If you were to accidentally punch a hole in the wall, would your solution be to hang a portrait over it?

Is your response to the Check Engine light a piece of black tape covering up the the Check Engine light?

If the answer to all of these questions is "no," why would you ever "address" bad odors in your house with Febreze?  How does introducing an odor to overwhelm another odor accomplish anything positive?

I know that cleaning is not fun.  But neither is mold or germs.  And once you reach adulthood, you really should move beyond ignoring problems.  Just sayin.

My annual working vacation is upon me

 

Before dawn tomorrow, an Uber will (hopefully) arrive to whisk me off to National Airport, where an American Airlines plane will (hopefully) whisk me off to Kansas City, where I will spend a week accurately (hopefully) scoring Advanced Placement Exams, just as I have every year Except the Two Of Which We Must Not Speak since 2008.

Which means a week of scrambled eggs, veggie sausage, and lots and lots of coffee and Diet Coke and (hopefully) not too much of the candy on the table, walks during lunch break and the gym and pool every evening.  And no more screen time beyond what needs to be done to score the exams.  

So, no new posts until June 9.  Please enjoy the archives and see you back then (hopefully.)

Another stupid 4Imprint ad

 

If someone asked me while walking through some parking garage if I'm "4 imprint certain," I'd tell them that one thing I'm certain of is that a parking garage has an almost unlimited number of places in which to dump a body. 

That being said, I'm less than two days away from heading off to grade AP exams for an 18th straight year, which means it's time to pick up another complimentary refillable water bottle with the College Board AP Logo stamped on the front.  Back in the good old days, we'd also get umbrellas, backpacks, little blankets...and I still have my coffee tumbler from 2010.  But since just before COVID it's been that water bottle and nothing but that water bottle.  Oh well.  I'd probably lose anything they'd give me within a few hours anyway.  Unless they give us another coffee tumbler this year.  That'd be nice.

This CustomInk ad....

 

If the "TUMBLERS!" woman is the brains of this company, I think I've figured out why the investors pulled their funding.  

Meanwhile...yeah....I'm sure that the way to win back investor confidence is with junk swag like tumblers.  When's the IPO, guys? I've got my money ready!

A few random points about these stupid Carvana Ads

 

1.  If Carvana makes you an instant, sight-unseen offer on your car, and you don't think you are being ripped off with a low bid, well, insert some cliche about a bridge in Brooklyn here.  Earth to these morons:  Carvana is NOT in the business of losing money.  Carvana will NOT offer you one penny more than it thinks it has to for your ten-year old Toyota Rav4.  If the offer was $16,000 (yeah, right) there is something seriously missing in this story.  This isn't 2020 with COVID shortages.

2. Why do these people "need" to sell these cars?  It's safe to assume they are paid for- there's no talk of negative equity or paying off bank notes.  Why are you selling a paid-off car?  Is it the obvious, depressing reason- because you want a new one to show well for your neighbors?  It's like we are addicted to making payments.  If the car is in such good shape that Carvana wants to offer you $16,000 why don't you JUST KEEP DRIVING IT YOU MORON?

Skechers are weird, and this doesn't help

 

One day, someone decided to make slippers that could be worn outside.  On that same day, we collectively decided that the Hardest Thing To Do Ever was putting shoes with laces on our feet.  It was like our 10,000 year Nightmare was Over and we had been rescued from the Agony that is Bending Over and Putting On Actual Shoes and Tying Them. 

Some time later, we decided that Latin Women with explosive tempers are funny and entertaining.  And some time after that, we decided that the whole Outdoor Slippers and Volcanic Latinas should be put into an ad to be shown during a Very Very Important Football Game because Reasons.  

CarShield Hopes You Never Learn The Math Behind Warranties

 

"Have you ever stopped to think why the average new car warranty is only three years or 36,000 miles?"  Um, no- not really.  But I'm willing to take this as something more than a rhetorical question and just answer it:  The reason why new car warranties generally run three years or 36,000 miles is because that's the time and distance in which a new car can reasonably be categorized as "new."

Coincidentally, it's also a perfectly reasonable length of a car warranty.  In three years a new car loses more than half it's value, but at 36,000 miles most cars are still fairly "new" in terms of wear and tear.  The warranty is a nice shiny but basically worthless trinket that in the vast majority of cases will never be used.  It's a Peace of Mind thing but if you get the oil changed and the other fluids topped off and the tires rotated once a year or so there's no reason why you should EVER need to use it, and I bet more than 90 percent of new car buyers never do. 

Now, if you've got a car you bought new which is now out of warranty, you can do one of two things:  You can put $99 per month into a special savings account as an emergency fund to deal with maintenance and keep your insurance up to date to deal with accidents.  Or you can hand $99 a month (for the base-level warranty) to CarShield and kiss that money goodbye forever, because even if you do have a claim your chances of getting this scammy, regularly-sued company to pay out is next to Zero.

One ad has a guy tell us that he's "saved $2700" due to CarShield replacing his water pump and engine or something, but I bet that $2700 doesn't include the years of $99 payments.  Because when you look at how much this "warranty" costs and how little it actually pays out, well, the Math doesn't Math.

The warranty that comes with the new car is fine.  But buying a new warranty when it expires is just stupid, even if it's NOT CarShield (but it's especially stupid if it is.)  Just take care of the damn car and save your money and stop handing it to a company that seems determined to hire every washed-up B-lister to pitch it's crap to the gullible and math-deficient.  Times are tough.  We have to do better.

The woman in this Wayfair commercial...

 

A)  has been scammed.  She thought she was marrying a guy with loads of money, but as soon as they got back from their honeymoon found herself ordering furniture from Wayfair.  I mean, come on- look at this guy.  This is a seven-figure transaction.  

B)  is suffering from severe self-esteem issues.  Again- look at him.  And then look at her.  What the actual hell?  Is he hiding her passport?  Can a neighbor call the authorities?

Erie County, NY: Where it's always Wait till Next Year, all the time

 

I lived in the suburbs of Buffalo from 1991 to 1995 and watched the Bills lose four straight Super Bowls. The Bills then went into complete collapse and could not get out of the shadow of Tom Brady.  Brady ultimately exited the stage, only to be replaced by Pat Mahomes, the Bills' current nemesis blocking the team's way to the Promised Land, always there to knock Buffalo out in the playoffs.  

Then Mahomes has a bad season, the Chiefs don't even make the playoffs at all, and the path is cleared for the Bills- only to have Buffalo inexplicably lose to a Broncos team which loses it's Quarterback to injury at the very end of the game (if he had gone down ten minutes earlier, the Bills certainly would have won and gone on to paste the Patriots in the Championship game a week later.)  This is Babe Ruth Curse level stuff.

The Buffalo Sabres are the oldest franchise in the National Hockey League (established 1970) to never win a Stanley Cup.  They've been in the Championship round twice, losing in six games in 1975 and getting swept in four in 1999.  They make the playoffs pretty regularly- but have never lifted that cup in celebration.  And last night they lost Game 7 to the Montreal Canadians- in Overtime, because that's how you maximize the pain- so fans are back to talking about Hope and Faith and Belief in Next Year.

It's always next year in Erie County.  Next year, the Bills will go all the way.  Next year, the Sabres will get over that hump.  Next year, it won't snow nonstop from December to April and the sun will come out more than twice between Thanksgiving and Easter and the gas pedal won't stick to the floor because it's -20 again and you won't wonder "how the hell did I end up in this godforsaken place, and why can't we at least celebrate a winning team as compensation at least ONCE?"

That Old Navy Paris Hilton Commercial

 

"Hey Paris, who are you wearing?"  Hmm.  That's not even in the top three of the list of questions I had when I saw Paris Hilton in a commercial Not for Carl Jr's hamburgers.  Here's how I responded to seeing this person appear on my television screen:

1.  "Wait...you're still a thing?"

2.  "Why were you ever a thing?"

3.  "Could you please stop being a thing now?"

Honorable Mention:  "Can I assume that we aren't getting a sequel to The Hottie and the Nottie?"

It's App to be a Disaster for all of the people in this ad, and then some

 

This is like watching a bunch of seamstresses being shown a Spinning Jenny and thinking "wow, this is absolutely amazing, what a wonderful time to be alive!"  Never mind that the machine they are being shown was literally built to make their skills irrelevant.

What we are watching here is people eagerly embracing an App that will very quickly make them an expensive, obsolete burden to their employers-- and, ultimately, Unemployed and Unemployable.  Well, I guess at least that will give them more time with their phones and something to do while doom-scrolling LinkedIn, desperately searching for an AI-proof job that will allow them to keep food on the table.

A few honest questions for April Delaney

 

For those of you who don't live in Maryland, April McClain Delaney is a freshman congressperson from Maryland's sixth district, currently seeking a second term.  She is being challenged by her predecessor in that seat, David Trone, who gave up the position to run a failed bid for the United States Senate in 2024.

Representative Delaney is running a two-headed campaign featuring attacks on Trump/ICE detention centers and on her opponent in the Democratic Primary, Mr. Trone.  I applaud your votes against everything Trump does, Ms. Delaney.  I have no issues with that whatsoever.  My questions concern your pushback against your primary challenger. 

You have issued a "Cease and Desist" against Mr. Trone for running ads urging Democratic Primary voters to "Re-Elect David Trone," suggesting that Trone is trying to trick voters into thinking he's the incumbent.  Do you really have so little respect for your constituents that you think they don't know who their Congressperson is?  Or is it that you've been so low-profile that you're afraid that the guy who preceded you has larger name recognition?  In any case, David Trone is a former Congressman who is looking to get re-elected to his old seat.  You can quibble about the language, but I don't think you have a legal leg to stand on and you're coming off insecure more than anything else here. 

Also, you accuse Mr. Trone of trying to buy this seat.  But in 2024, of the just over $2 million you spent to win it yourself, $1 million was self-financed by you and your husband.  Seems to me that you don't object to buying seats in the House of Representatives as much as you are irritated at the concept of being outspent. 

Finally, you suggest that Mr. Trone feels "entitled" to this seat- again, because he's a multimillionaire who jumped into politics near the top.  But do I need to remind you who served as the Representative in this district before Mr. Trone first ran?  That was John Delaney- your husband.  A quick Wiki scan tells me that your Congressional seat is the very first office YOU ever ran for.  You'll need to work hard to explain to me the moral difference between a person who buys name recognition and one who "earns" it by being the spouse of the former Rep.  Oh, but she did serve as a Deputy Director for one division in the Department of Commerce.  Her qualifications for that role?  Um....well....check out her last name again.

In short, please explain to me how the race for the Democratic Nomination for Congress in Maryland's 6th district is NOT just a fight between two people who used money and connections to short-cut their way to the upper ranks of political power?  Or- get off your high horse.  I seem to remember you using your name recognition and money to bludgeon an underfunded primary opponent just two short years ago.  Your current pious tongue-clucking about Big Money is unbecoming to say the least, and I'd actually go with the phrase "blatantly hypocritical." 

Kay Jewelers, Mother's Day, and a God-Awful Earworm

 

It's a little-known Fact that there is not a human being on Earth who can decipher the lyrics of this song, which by the way is a clear violation of the Geneva Convention and a War Crime in over 100 nations (another little-known Fact.)

Having this ad run on repeat at least eight times an hour during tonight's Svengoolie episode made me a worse person.  I think it caused permanent damage to my psyche and I do not expect to recover.  

Samsung's "Privacy Screen" gives the Bots time to come out to play

 

...and comment.

Seriously, look at the gushing in response to this ad.  Samsung is King.  Samsung is Awesome.  Samsung's Privacy Screen is like if Sliced Bread and the Wheel had a baby.  None of these comments were posted by an actual human being, of course.  They are all droppings left by an AI Vapid Comment Generator.  Nobody is this inane.  Not even in the United States of Capitalism.

Meanwhile, I guess this is an attractive feature during the current pandemic of Main Character Syndrome- everyone is looking at me, everyone is interested in what I'm doing, I'm very, very intriguing to all around me- but if the target audience were honest it would ask why it wants a privacy screen while yapping away about the most personal details of their lives or blasting music at full volume in public.  Trouble is, the target audience is NOT honest.  It is, however, shockingly narcissistic and convinced that it's being judged- especially for owning a Samsung and not an iPhone.  If this screen is exclusive to Samsung for a season it can pretend the choice has to do with Samsung's dedication to privacy?  Please.

Disney Cruise Line Commercial: Three Generations of Privilege

 

A typical Disney family cruise (7 nights, Caribbean destinations) cost upward of $10,000.  This family has been going on them like other families rent tiny cabins at the local beach.  In other words, filthy rich and totally unrelatable.

Oh, but the bots commenting on this ad pretend that it's making them cry- because they are bots.  Nobody with any sense gets choked up over three generations of a family spending a freaking fortune on overpriced entertainment sold by the Mouse That Destroyed Star Wars.  Especially when you just KNOW these people also spend a week at one of the freaking parks, too.

Just...gross.

Ethos Life "Ghost Dad" Commercial: No, It's not a Skit

 

Seriously, I watched this twice and noted the official Ethos logo on the ad before I was able to convince myself that this was not pulled from an episode of SNL.

First, you've got the creepy kids letting dad know EXACTLY how his dying would impact them- "we'd be HOMELESS" says the little girl in her best Precocious Sitcom Child voice.  Not "we love you and would be devastated."  Just an eyeroll and "come on dad, we like this house and you pay for it so we need you to hang around."

And the little boy with his "I have no one to look up to...."  But you DO have someone to live off of, Dead or Alive, so that's ok?

Second, you've got Mom telling him that "of course we love you BUT we also love our home" in a tone that makes it pretty damn unmistakable which one is the priority.  And then she doubles down- "PLUS the kids want to go to college..." Holy Crap Woman, just call him your freaking meal ticket and get it over with.  You don't just want this guy to get life insurance- you want him to get enough to make sure that if something happens to him, you get to keep the house and the kids get to go college and neither involves you actually getting a job.  And what kind of parent brings her small children into a discussion concerning Our Living Conditions After Dad Inevitably Dies Young?

Now, the guy does respond to all this "honey get life insurance so we can stop worrying about the possibility of one day living in a world where we have to take care of ourselves" by ruining a sheet and acting far less mature than his ghoul kids, so maybe his family is legitimately concerned that Dad will accidentally kill himself in one of any number of ways any day now.  But he must have something going on between his ears to be able to afford that ridiculous estate, scheming bloodless trophy wife and evil children.  Or is it all inherited?  But if that's the case, what's the big deal about insurance?  Are you blowing through this guy's family fortune that fast?  

The mom is Awful, the kids are Awful (and- if they are actual human children- Traumatized,) and Dad is not handling his wife and children obsessing over Life After Him as if it's right around the corner very well.  What a bizarre commercial.  What isn't bizarre is that Comments are blocked.  I can imagine what that thread would have looked like.

Matchbox Restaurant: Light the fuse....

 

...to a lifetime struggle with obesity, diabetes, and heart disease?

Seriously, all I see is a very nice-looking atmosphere in which to consume huge double-cheese carbohydrate discs, cheeseburgers loaded with onion rings and potatoes, pancakes covered with whipped cream and chocolate,*  and basically Deep Fried Everything that Isn't Wood-Fired Pizza.   Washed down with soda, sweet tea or liquor.  Unless this is a once-a-year event, ordering from the menu should come with a Surgeon General's Warning.

*In the 2005 comedy Just Friends, Ryan Reynolds' character is served a High Stack of pancakes completely drowned in whipped cream and M&Ms.  It was supposed to be a joke, but I guess it was more of a prophecy?  And I thought IHOP's Cheesecake pancakes were scary. 

CarShield is becoming more ambitious

 

I'm used to seeing washed-up actors and sports figures- Ice T, Vivica Fox, Ernie Hudson, Danica Patrick, Ric Flair- pitching this BS scammy non-insurance which is the subject of lawsuits and thousands of pages of consumer complaints.  But it's more than a little surprising to see a guy currently making serious bank as the most recognizable face of ESPN- once upon a time the gold standard of sports reporting, long descended into lolcow status- selling his image to an utter fraud of a company like CarShield. 

Whatever CarShield paid Stephen A. Smith to spend several minutes of his time bleating a tired script, it could not have come close to one-tenth of one percent of his annual income over at ESPN (approximately $20 mil.  For what, I can't tell you.  Don't ask me to explain Capitalism.)  Which means that this is probably not about money at all.  More like just taking any opportunity to get his face out there in a non-sports-related moment.  Because he's running for President?  Or he just wants people to think he is?  But how does being associated with a business infamous for conning people out of their hard-earned money with claims carefully couched with small print that will leave them with empty wallets achieve that?  Who would vote to elevate such a person to the office of the Presidency?

What?  48 percent or so would?  Three times?  

NetCredit to the Stupid

 

What's the message of this ad?  "Say yes to more debt- and respond to the extension of credit by doing a stupid dance as if you've just won something valuable!"

Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves.  The actors in NetCredit commercials wear their FICA scores on their t-shirts.  And those scores are not Exceptional.  They are in the "Fair" range.  If they are being approved for loans, those interest rates are high- but let's ignore that, because all that really matters is that NetCredit is going to let you spend some more.  In real life, this is not good news.  In NetCredit ads, the actors celebrate because they have the opportunity to dig that debt hole just a little bit deeper. 

Isn't that a baby stroller?  That kid is in trouble.  He chose his parents wrong.  His parents are frivolous morons. 

Kalshi and AliExpress: It's all fake

 

And I'm not even talking about the AI-generated "actors" being used to sell this life-ruining addiction.  I'm talking about the actual concept of "Futures Markets."  

What's fake?  The idea that gambling is the road to financial security, let alone "innocent fun" that adds "adventure" to watching sports.  Unless financial stress is fun.  Unless being suddenly unable to pay bills is fun.  Unless being addicted to constant doses of dopamine generated by taking one stupid risk after another is fun.

None of this is real, but all of it is currently dominating commercial television, especially during any sports coverage.  ESPN's funding is coming almost exclusively from gambling (and yes, "futures markets" is GAMBLING.)  At this point, I'm not even sure that sports coverage would even exist without the billions of dollars in ad revenue from online gambling.  Pre-game shows certainly would not exist; they are nothing more than long-form commercials for gambling apps.  

Some of you are in big trouble, and I really hope that you manage to see that 1-800-Gambling notice on your screens and use it to get help.  Because none of this is real, and all of it is dangerous.

Bet365 ads are depressing, even for gambling ads

 

A group of old, rugged veteran fishermen are entertaining themselves with stories of conquests on the sea when they are interrupted by a twerp who regales them with the tale of how he made a lot of money sitting on his ass, staring at his phone.  The fishermen were out in nature's fury, risking the elements.  The twerp was sitting at a bar, risking his rent money.

And he won so much, he's treating the entire place to breakfast.  Well, that's something, I guess.  It still doesn't dissuade me from my belief that society has gone to hell in a handbasket and there's no bringing it back. 

Fanduel's "Thrillionaire" pitch to sad addicts

 

You know, I imagine winning a lot of money on a bet is probably pretty "thrilling."  Of course, as in every case where the possibility of a thrill is involved, a required ingredient is the possibility of massive, horrific failure.  Overcoming the odds, surviving the danger- that's where the thrill comes from, or it doesn't exist.

For every gambler who enjoys the thrill of winning money, a hundred experience the other emotion- depression and guilt at once again giving in to an addiction and throwing away money they simply could not afford to lose.  (And don't come at me with "most people only gamble money they can afford to lose, and FanDuel, etc. actually provide public service blurbs in tiny handwriting reminding people only to gamble what they can afford to lose.  Gambling money that doesn't mean anything to you is like experiencing the kiddie ride at your local amusement park.  No risk felt= no chance for a thrill.  You can't have it both ways.)

And by using the nonsense phrase "Thrillionaire," FanDuel is trying to sell the idea that you can actually become quite rich with this Just for Fun Harmless Amusement involving risking your hard-earned money (but only an amount you can afford to lose, not that you'll lose because come on don't you believe in yourself and your destiny to be a Thrillionaire?)  They give us a goofy scene where people are being goofy and which resembles that forementioned amusement park because look a guy is riding around in a bumper car.  He's just being a kid playing a game- a game that involves risk, and that feeds a life-destroying addiction, but take a chill pill look how much fun he's having!

I'll continue to pass.  I work too hard and, oddly enough, I manage to enjoy sports even without putting cash at risk.  I'm weird that way. 

I Still Miss Louisville....*

 

It was during my first year as a scorer of APUSH essays in 2008 that I really fell in love with Minor League Baseball.  That year- and for seven more years afterwards- the scoring was in the Kentucky Convention Center in Louisville, and at least three evenings during the week of grading I would wander down the River Walk and drop $5 to watch a few innings of the Bats v. the Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs, the Toledo Mud Hens, the Pawtucket Red Sox, etc.  The atmosphere was (almost) always great and they even welcomed us Readers on the scoreboard.  Perfect way to unwind after eight hours of scoring essays. 

But every once in a while, one of those beautiful nights at Bats Stadium included the unctuous "Bark at the Park" ritual.  Not being a dog owner, I'm never going to appreciate the attraction of taking a dog to a baseball game.  And it didn't help that the food special was $1 hot dogs because they were (yuck) boiled, which should be a war crime.

*As I prepare for a third straight year in Kansas City- where, again, the Royals will be on the road and there is no minor league team available to spend an evening enjoying- ChatGBT is giving me a glimmer of hope, predicting that after a decade of exile we APUSH Readers may well be welcomed back to Louisville in 2027.  If that's really a possibility, I take back anything bad I've ever said about Bark at the Park.  I'll put up with the dogs if I can get the Bats back.

Skyrizi: A Whole Lot of Nothing

 

I have one goal in life, and it's to be half as happy about anything as this woman is about carrying frozen desserts fifteen feet to place in front of customers too damn lazy and entitled to just pick it up themselves despite the booth being managed by exactly one person.  

Seriously, I can't be the only person who wants to slap that stupid grin off that stupid face.  Get over yourself, lady.  You're a grown woman serving flavored ice at a swimming pool.  There's no way you thought that this is what you were going to be doing ten years ago, when you were a Medieval Art Major at State University.

Nothing brings the Boomers out to wave their fists at clouds faster than videos like this

 

Know how sometimes you can just read the thumbnail and accurately predict what the majority of comments will focus on?  That never works better than with with videos listing banned toys. 

Every single time I check out one of these videos listing toys that were briefly popular in the 1960s and 70s but were finally banned because they maimed or murdered children, I know I can scroll down through the comments and read an endless barrage of "I had one of these and turned out fine,"  "Stupid kids ruined this for everyone," and "woke helicopter parents raise soft kids today" rants.  One Boomer after another waxing poetic about how he used to throw Lawn Jarts, have BB-gun wars with neighbors, set off M-80s to add a little adventure to his Green Army Men battles and- of course- drink out of the garden hose because that's what Every Single Person Above the Age of 60 Remembers Better Than Anything Else.  

And of course they did all this with No Parental Supervision Whatsoever- hell, most of them grew up with out parents at all.  They walked miles to school every day and were never accosted, molested, or otherwise bothered by passing strangers because they didn't exist.  They rode bikes without helmets because helmets are Totally Woke and crashed all the time and as previously mentioned, they turned out Just Fine.*  And I strongly suspect that they lament the days before seatbelts ruined the traveling experience and turned the Later, Lesser Generations into Pathetic Crystal Snowflakes who Demand Participation Trophies.

If these posters were honest, they'd admit that they don't really miss those stupid dangerous toys (some of which I actually possessed at some point- I especially remember my Creepy Thing Maker and burning my fingers on the hot wax from time to time.)  They just miss being young- so much so that they fail to notice- or are unwilling to concede- that kids today are far better off living in a society that doesn't pitch dangerous "fun" activities to parents.  Seatbelts, bike helmets, and toys that don't send spikes into our heads or missiles into our mouth don't diminish childhood.  The cartoons are infinitely better too- people my age grew up with characters who seemed more interested in inflicting pain on each other- Tom and Jerry, Bugs and Daffy, Sylvester and Tweety, Road Runner and Coyote- than having fun.  Today's kids have Bluey, Paw Patrol, Big City Greens, Spidey and Friends, Pupstruction, etc. etc. etc.- each of which tell good stories with healthy, positive messages (which these Boomers, I'm sure, consider both Woke and Gay.)

*did they really grow up "just fine?"  I mean, they are constantly ranting about kids today growing up encased in bubble-wrap and pumping their chests about how much Tougher today's older people are because they were "allowed" to grow up feral and basically raise themselves.  I don't think there's anything particularly healthy about people my age complaining that kids aren't getting hurt as much today as they did Back in the Good Old Days. 

Uber One. Because don't you hate actually having money?

 

It's downright frightening to think that, considering an Uber One subscription costs $10 a month, there are people out there who actually use Uber and Uber Eats so often that it may actually pay for itself.  Personally- and being someone who actually lives within his means- I find Uber Eats to be the most shocking opportunity to burn money since someone decided to invent Bottled Water. 

But there's something even scarier about Uber One (yes, even scarier than the concept of paying $120 per year for small discounts on cold meals already marked up to the stratosphere.)  And that is the $5 per month "student option."  Because if anyone needs a cold hamburger and fries delivered to their front door for $25 more than I do, it's a student, right?

And I'm not even going to get into the comments under this video.  Enough Scary for one day. 

Downy "Rinse it out" ad: What I do for clicks...

 

I went through this - well, I can only describe it as an "Ordeal"- three times in an attempt to understand the point of it all, and I just get more confused with each viewing:

At first, I thought that this woman is just doing what so many women in fabric softener/detergent/air freshener commercials do: Celebrating the absolute joy that comes with using a product that results in soft clothes and (especially) a fresh scent.  I think it's been a theme of detergent ads since the 1950s that it's possible to fall madly in love with clean, soft clothes to the point where it's the highlight of any suburban prince or princess's day to jam one's nose into the laundry.

This theory seemed to be confirmed by Dad's "your mother really loves Downy" remark to Son.  Both members of the house are taking this in stride; while they are watching tv or whatever mom is dancing about the house singing her own version of Total Eclipse of the Heart and having her own idea of a wild time.  Whatever floats her boat and at least she's not complaining about doing laundry.

But then she throws dad's shorts into his face and tells him "honey, please do your own laundry..." um, say what?  If that's their kid, these people have been together for quite some time.  What is this guy doing with his shorts that convinced her to suddenly announce that she's no longer going to be doing the laundry we have to presume she's been doing for a decade or more?  What else is she not going to be doing?  Also, the indications were that she enjoyed doing laundry.  What happened?  Do I even want to know?

And how is Dad going to react to this?  Certainly by this stage in the relationship, the family has settled into a routine and everyone knows what chores they are responsible for.  Now mom has changed that up- again, WHY exactly?  And what does "rinse it out" even mean?  Is this an alternative to actually washing Dad's shorts?  If so, where is he supposed to "rinse them out?"  

Excuse me for saying so, but Dad should just toss the shorts back to his wife and reply "um, no.  There's no 'my shorts,' 'your shorts' and 'the kids' shorts.'  There's just OUR SHORTS- and OUR CLOTHES.  When any item of clothing is in the hamper, just put it along with the rest of the clothes in the washing machine, please.  And when it comes out of the dryer, feel free to do a little dance if that's what flips your skirt- but please don't throw clothes into my face and make demands in front of our kid again.  I told our son that you love Downy, not that you're a lunatic I stay with because this is California and I don't want to lose half my income in a divorce settlement.  You could at least reciprocate by not emasculating me in front of him."

Kalshi: Let's not miss the forest for the trees....

 

Fact is, the "controversy" over an entirely AI-produced ad is of zero interest to me.  I couldn't care less if the people peddling this awful gambling app loophole are actual sad examples of American Idiots or AI-generated ones.

The point is still the same:  Kalshi is just gambling wearing regulation-proof clothing.  "Futures Markets" have a certain level of legitimacy because they've been around forever (although, as I posted the last time I looked at Kalshi, the bucket shops they originated in were banned in New York more than a hundred years ago.)  But whatever you call it, this is just making everything you can imagine an opportunity to lose your money to a life-destroying addiction.  That's what we should be talking about here.  Not AI.  Don't give a damn about the AI.

Don't give a damn about Disney's role in this, either.  The Mouse wrecked Star Wars, no real surprise it's in the process of helping to wreck the rest of society now.  

This Carshield "Autopsy" Commerccial

 

"Whatever's under this sheet, we can be sure of one thing:  It's not a part covered by Car Shield, so no matter how much the owner paid, this is not a covered repair."

"Ok, let's take a look at it anyway.  We have to wrap this up so we can get our paychecks before Car Shield has to deal with another Class Action Lawsuit."

(quick peek)

"Oh my god!  It's our CAREERS!"

"Um, you didn't know they were dead already?  What the hell do you think we're doing in commercials for a scam car warranty company?  You think Ernie Hudson and Danika Patrick are A-listers too?"

"I don't know.  Are we done now?  I have to return a call from my agent, something about an audition with the Medicare Coverage Helpline." 

This Ancient KIA Sales Event Ad just seems too perfect for an April Fool's Day Post

 

First, there's the quaint notion of a $149-per-month lease deal.  Remember when those were a thing?  The only time in my life I ever leased a car, from 2006 to 2009, I paid $350 a month.  And that was for a 2-door Civic Coupe.  Sure, there was virtually nothing to pay on it when I took ownership at the end of the lease, but still. 

Second, there's the idea that all of these people are instantly smitten with the idea of leasing a freaking KIA for multiple years.  I'll admit that the only way I'd ever drive a KIA is through a lease deal, because these things are nothing but headaches and they depreciate in value faster than- well, faster than an ice cream cone melts in the sun. 

Third, this ad works a lot better if it ends with all of these zombies just following that truck off a damn cliff.  I can't think of any more accurate way to describe the feeling of actually being stuck making payments on a (still, at $149 a month and $2 k down) overpriced piece of junk like a KIA Soul.  Better than spending three years regularly being reminded that you are going to pay $7400 to drive around in a pile of crap you will just give back in 36 months because even you aren't dumb enough to hand over another $10k for a car with a Kelly Blue Book Value of maybe half that at the end of the term.  Unless you really are an April (and every other month of the year) Fool.

This Seriously Strange, and Sad, Camzyos Ad

 

Is it just me, or is there actual NEGATIVE chemistry between this woman, the adult male and the child in this ad?  No matter how many times I've seen this commercial all the way through, all I see is a strange woman who decided to show up at a baseball game and latch herself to a noticeably single man and his son for the duration of the day.

I'm serious.  This woman does NOT interact with the kid like she knows anything about him, but is trying very hard to cosplay (or audition for the role of) being his Mom.  If possible, there is even less warmth between her and the guy.  It looks for all the world like the guy and his son are just being polite to this sad woman who showed up at a ball game all by herself and decided to start hanging out with them- near the concessions, in the stands....maybe all the way out to the parking lot after the game...until finally dad- who had his finger on the Emergency Button of his phone for the walk from the bleachers to the car- was able to get his son buckled and himself in the car with the door locked before giving Crazy Woman a quick "well nice meeting you bye" and leaving the lot at the Fastest Speed Allowed by Decency and Safety Standards.  

On the way home, Dad and Son have an awkward laugh about the experience and discuss whether Mom should be told about it when Dad drops Son off at Mom's house before 6 PM tonight, as stipulated by the court.  And they agree that if Crazy Woman Shows up at the next game, Dad politely announces that he and the child will be Sitting Over There Now No Do Not Follow Us. 

What's this drug being peddled, btw?  

Colon Guard: I've said it once, I'll say it again...

 

I get it.  I've been through two colonoscopies.  They are not pleasant experiences.  I mean, the actual process is barely an experience at all.  The prep is what is pretty much the opposite of pleasant.  

Still, it's covered by health insurance and it's hard to exaggerate how important it is.  That being said, I am plenty sick of these commercials featuring obviously well-off people with plenty of time on their hands being so damn comfortable cutting corners on a test that could literally add years to your life if it results in early detection.  

You just know the target audience for Colon Guard are the same people who will think nothing of binge-watching Netflix or binge-scrolling Tiktok or dropping hundreds of dollars on a concert or trip to a local amusement park for the family.....but when it comes to doing a freaking cancer screening, NOW you're concerned about the cost in time and money?  Please.

I bet you can get a deep discount on slightly-damaged parachutes, too.  What the hell is going on here? When it's time for a colonoscopy GET IT DONE IN A SPECIALIST'S OFFICE YOU RIDICULOUS KNOBS.  What's next, do-it-yourself dentistry?  Wait...what?  That's an actual thing too?

All Off-the-shelf mediation companies need to read this post

 

My nose is running and my throat is getting sore

and I'm sure not sleeping like the way I did before

I think it's aaaaaaaaaaaaallergies

I hate these aaaaaaaaaaaalergies

these commercials make it look like magic's in the air

instead of pollen, grass and don't forget all that nasty old pet hair

I hate my aaaaaaaaaaaaaaalergies

G-d- these aaaaaaaaaaaaaalergies

Well it's not magic, you can't just pop one and then go about your day 

the symptoms will continue till you think you'll go insane

because they're aaaaaaaaaalergies

we all hate aaaaaaaaaaaaaalergies

Ok, that's enough of that.

It's bad enough that all of these ads- for Claritin, Allegra, Benadryl, Nyquil, Dayquil, etc. all pitch the idea that you are one dose away from being completely free of symptoms and ready to tackle the world- or play with a puppy, though for the life of me I can't understand why anyone would want to do either.  Here in the real world, medication is sold in multi-dose packages because it takes days of treatment to feel any relief at all.  And if you're going to roll around on the grass and stick your nose into a damn puppy's fur, there's probably not enough dosage out there to really save you from yourself anyway.  At least when I got my severe attack last weekend it was because it was 80 degrees and sunny and I took a walk.  I didn't lick any trees or shove grass clippings up my nose, daring an immune response.  Christ what is it with these people?  We don't see people on insulin celebrating having their blood sugar under control by consuming entire sheet cakes.  Why do we see allergy sufferers rolling around in pollen snorting puppies?  Stupid.  At least as stupid as my "song."

Honey Nut Cheerios? I have so many questions

1.  I can see why this woman wants to eat her cereal in the massive living room of her massive house and not the kitchen.  But why did she bring the box in with her?

2.  More, why did she bring a brand-new, unopened box in with her when there's already cereal in her bowl?  

3.  I get that the dialogue is supposed to (however clunkily) connect to the song, but who the hell "talks to their heart" about cereal?  Is she "talking" to her heart by providing her body "heart-healthy" nutrients?  I suppose, but if that's the case, I think the message she's sending is "I really care for you, heart, but not enough to avoid sugar and eat an actual breakfast that isn't basically candy."

4.  Other than her heart, who is she talking to?  The box?  Oh my god- the bee?  Does she actually see that bee?  Come to think of it, does she actually hear that music?  Or is she just a lunatic eating a toddler's breakfast and doing a weird sitting dance from her couch?

5.  "We are powerful?"  Who is "we?"  Oh my god- she DOES see that bee.  Her next lines- when she stops having a mild fit on the couch- are "we ARE sane, and we do NOT need to sign those Power of Attorney papers, and the kids do NOT have to see to our financial affairs."  

That Allstate Commercial that rips off Dr. Pepper's Fansville

 

I am a fan of the New England Patriots, the Boston Red Sox, the Maryland Terrapins, and the Catholic University Cardinals.  All that being said, neither I nor anybody in my family would take offense if the fan of an opposing team showed up wearing the colors of that team.*

The people in this ad act like members of a cult, and the first thought that crossed my mind when watching it was why didn't the girl warn her boyfriend in advance that her entire family were a bunch of intolerant loons who had taken a blood pledge to a college in North Carolina?  My second thought was, why didn't Allstate go all out and push the envelope, portraying

....the reaction of a Sunni family to the boyfriend showing up wearing a yarmulke?  Or

....the reaction of a Jehovah's Witness family to the boyfriend showing up with a birthday cake?  Or

....the reaction to a Sane, Tolerant family to the boyfriend showing up wearing a MAGA hat?

But I keep going back to my original question:  Did the girlfriend not know that her boyfriend went to Duke? Wouldn't that come up in a conversation at some point?  Is this a Montague-Capulet deal?  Why was the guy blindsided like this?  

Also, isn't the No-Longer-Potential-Life-Partner-Because-He-Went-To-The-Wrong-School-in-NC far better off?  I thought the families in the Dr. Pepper Fansville commercials were nuts.  Oh wait- is this a crossover?

*Unless they show up wearing a Yankees cap.  I mean, we all have limits.

How did I miss this Kia Holiday Sales Event Commercial?

 

I mean, it does such a great job aping the Lexus December to Remember ads that it could pass as a Saturday Night Live skit.  As in, "Look- here's a sort-of kind-of if-you-squint-and-ignore-pretty-much

-everything, this looks like a Lexus no really."

And I'm almost glad that I live in a universe where people who aren't hedge fund managers can aspire to own a car that at least pretends to provide a...um...."luxury" experience.  All you have to do is sign here and spend the next four years pretending that isn't a KIA logo on the front chrome and the steering wheel (again, squint really hard and MAYBE you can make it look like it's a Lexus.)  Just put a red ribbon on it and stick it in the driveway and hope beyond hope that when the significant other you bought it for looks at it, the scene doesn't turn into a replay of George Costanza's gifting of a cashmere sweater.  As in "oh it's beautiful, it's gorgeous, how could you possibly afford.....ewww, what's that?  A KIA logo?  Ooooh....well....it's still beautiful, really, I mean, thanks very much....um....you got the warranty, right?"

This Outback Commercial is the ultimate in Low Effort....

 

...so my take on it will match it's imaginative energy, if not the energy of it's main character.

Seriously, though- I've never in my life been as excited about anything as much as this guy is at the prospect of eating a mid-priced steak dinner at a chain restaurant.  After being turned down for a job, yet.  This guy should have been hired for his enthusiasm alone, except that if he's this fixated on Yet Another Night at Outback I doubt he's got a lot left for whatever the job is. 

That's all I've got, except that I continue to be impressed at how over-the-top the reaction to going to Outback is for this guy.  Imagine if he won a gift card to Ruth's Chris.  I think he'd explode.

"Confused?" Yes, Snickers, I am.

 

About a few things, actually...

First, is the second woman at this table such an addict that the connection between her brain and her muscles simply fails if her blood sugar drops below a certain level?  She looks as though she has no idea what she did with that glass or why she did it.  I would be thinking epilepsy, not "let's get you another quick sugar fix."  Does her friend carry candy around in her purse specifically for occasions like this?

Second, the woman who just had what I'll charitably refer to as an "episode" needs something other than a sugar hit.  She needs a roll of absorbent paper towels so she can clean up her mess.  Because, you know, it's her responsibility and if she walks out without at least offering she ought to be banned from the place.  

Third...seriously, Mars?  We're still doing this "you're not yourself when you're hungry" bit?  It's almost twenty years old now.  And it never made any sense.  Sugar doesn't satisfy hunger.  It stimulates it- besides leading to a lot of other health issues that DON'T result from a balanced diet.  And I don't see how this commercial sells your product anyway.  Personality-changing addiction is funny?  Since when?

This Special K with Berries Commercial

 

So the question is "Why does Special K have 10 grams of protein?"  Followed by several shots of an old woman who needs energy and thinks that getting it from a bowl of soggy pencil shavings makes more sense than from eggs (which have six ounces of protein EACH.)

I have a better question.  Why does a 19-ounce box of Special K cost almost $9?  If you get your protein from eggs, you are paying about 4 cents per gram.  If you get it from Special K, it will cost you about 20 cents per gram.  And that doesn't include the milk you kind of have to consume along with the Special K but aren't necessary to serve along with the eggs.  

I'm just sayin'....if are going to eat Special K because you like Special K, that's fine.  But don't tell me you're spending that kind of money on cereal because you figure you need the protein.  If it's all about the protein, eat an egg or two.  This isn't rocket science. 

Kalshi is a product of Unregulated Capitalism. Everything old is new again.

 

This is one of those ads that throws so much insulting Stupid at the viewer that it's hard to decide what to focus on.  A lot of the commentators are fixated on the idea of betting on Jesus rising from the dead- and the comment section has predictably become a silly debate over who wins that Not-A-Bet-Don't-Call-It-A-Bet.  Being an adult in the 21st century, I have zero interest in wading into that fetid swamp.  

As a student of history, I was more taken by the image of Paul Revere warning "the British are coming" while riding through what looks to be a burning city.  Like, what the actual hell?  If the British were responsible for those flames, wouldn't the people in the town have gotten the hint way before Revere showed up?  This looks like a guy running through the streets of Pompeii while lava flows down and smoking rocks are crashing everywhere yelling "Vesuvius is Erupting!"  No S--t, Sherlock.  

What does this have in common with Jesus's rising from the dead?  Well, neither happened.  Ok, I went there.  But just for a moment. 

What REALLY interests me is labeling Kalshi for what it is- an online Bucket Shop.  In the 19th century, the Bucket Shops were open-street "markets" where people could bet (excuse me, "take futures in") whether particular stocks would go up or down.  They didn't involve the actual purchase of stock any more than current betting apps involve buying shares in sports teams.  Exactly like Kalshi, they didn't involve the transfer of actual product at all.  In 1906 the Supreme Court closed down the Bucket Shops by declaring them to be engaged in illegal gambling.  

Kalshi is no different.  It's a Bucket Shop you don't have to sneak out to in disguise to avoid being spotted and judged by your friends.  But in every other respect, it's gambling on steroids.  "Future Markets."  Give me a break.

NetCredit to the (Stupid) People

 

There's just something so off-putting about watching people with garbage credit (usually caused by failure to make timely payments or overutilization of existing credit) celebrate being given the opportunity to go more heavily into debt.  In reality, kicking the can down the road, accepting money at ruinous interest rates is nothing to be proud of, let alone happy about.  But these people act like robbing Peter to pay Paul is akin to winning the damn lottery.  What a sad display- and an even worse commentary on the state of the American Economy.  

Random Thoughts On This Skyrizi Ad

 

1.  Is it a requirement for employment at this pool-playground-resort that you are afflicted nasty skin and are on Skyrizi?

2.  The woman working at the ice cream stand is way too happy with her crummy job.  She must be the resort owner or something.  I've never been that happy doing anything in my entire life.  Handing ice cream to kids and waiting tables sure wouldn't do it for me.

3.  Those kids don't want to have a conversation with you.  Just give them their damn ice cream.

4.  Is this woman the only employee?  Who is preparing ice cream when she's carrying whatever the hell that stuff is to a table?  Why does she think she has time to chat with the customers?  Someone is waiting at the counter to order ice cream.  What the actual hell is going on here?

5.  Why isn't this woman wearing sunglasses?  Sure seems bright out, and she seems to be engaged in a constant squint.  

6.  Is the guy really trying to teach kids how to swim?  He doesn't know how to.  Why aren't the kids wearing goggles?  He wears goggles when he swims underwater. Why did he just jump into the pool right next to them, splashing chlorine into their eyes, when you KNOW there are "No Jumping" signs all over the place?  

Ok I'm done.  This ad is really, really stupid.

The Split Pay by Rent App is both terrifying and depressingly predictable

 

It's basically AfterPay for Rent, except that I'm pretty sure that AfterPay for Rent already existed.  It's in line with proposals for 50-year mortgages and the ever-lengthening car note (which will average 7 years in 2026, up from 5 two years ago and 3 twenty years ago...)

And how does this even help?  If your rent is $1000 a month (you must be renting that room Patrick Swayze lived in outside of Jasper, Missouri in Road House) and you can split it into two payments of $500 every two weeks...what does this do, exactly?  You still need $1000 a month.  Who has $500 every two weeks but not $1000 a month.  Oh, right- people who are absolutely horrible at managing money.  Like "if my rent is not due for 28 days, I'm going to spend that money before I can write a check to the landlord."  This app is created for people who know they are stupid children with money who cannot be depended on to pay their predictable, scheduled bills despite having predictable, scheduled paydays.

I'd love to see the correlation between people who use this- um- "service" and the people who use one of those apps that "pay" (lend you) your salary by the day because budgeting between paychecks is suddenly Too Difficult Because Reasons, Probably Because of those Boomers Who Ruined Everything.  I bet it's really high.  What odds can I get, DraftKings?

Is Capvaxive a treatment for Loud Liberal Posing?

 

Gotta love how the woman at the center of this ad is supposed to be helping to clean up a beach, but instead is more focused on picking up a single tin can and then just standing there as if she's just conquered the freaking universe.  I think her photograph must be in the encyclopedia under "Performative Activism."

And then, to put the perfect period on the day, we see her eating lunch out of some truck diner using a plastic cup and plastic straw.  Yeah, she's super into the environment, bro.  Get her a medal to go along with that halo. 

Jeep disproves the old adage "Legends Never Die."

 

Jeep is still trying to get some mileage (no pun intended) from the dim memory of it being a uniquely American product known for it's reliability and toughness.  Never mind that the brand has been owned by Stellantis- a Dutch company- for more than a decade now and nobody who knows anything about cars thinks that anything carrying the Jeep brand built after 2016 is worth anywhere near the sticker price.

Not sure why Stellantis thought it was a good idea to show it's latest garbage falling apart while traveling at high speeds, but I'll give points for accuracy, anyway.  Current Jeep owners will certainly recognize the parts in the exploded view- it's what they see scattered on the garage floor at their mechanic on a regular basis. 

What is Pepperidge Farm doing with these ads?

 

1.  Why does everyone in these Goldfish Cracker Commercials act so awkward and nervous? It's like they KNOW they look stupid.  But it's all so cringe.  First we had the guy and girl repeatedly bumping hands because no one could be bothered to find a damn bowl.  Now this.  Whatever this is.

2.  Why are there Goldfish Cracker Commercials at all?  Who the hell doesn't already know about the existence of these things?  

3.  How is any of this supposed to make me want to eat Goldfish Crackers?  Especially if they aren't the whole grain ones.  The only Goldfish Crackers worth eating are the whole grain ones.  All of this is just so stupid.

What is actually going on in this Eylea Ad?

 

I get that grandma wants to see granddaughter in the recital and thanks to this medication- and a front-row seat- she gets to do that.  But there's something really off about this ad.  Several somethings, in fact.

Grandma is staring at the stage with a frozen smile on her face that has me half-convinced that she's just enjoying the experience of being out of the Assisted Living Home for a few hours and isn't at all sure what she's watching.  Is the medication helping grandma see the performance better, or does it just prevent blinking?

Is granddaughter really coming down from the stage to hand grandma a battery-powered nightlight shaped like a star and a hug, or is this just happening in grandma's imagination?  I kind of think the latter, because it seems like every other person in the audience would be a parent or grandparent and would be wondering what the star treatment (I didn't mean that to be a pun) is all about.  If it's all just grandma's imagination, doesn't that mean that she's just wandered off into her own fantasy world again and nothing she's dreaming up in her own head requires eye medication?

Come to think of it, maybe Eylea has nothing to do with eyes.  Maybe it's just an hallucinogen made for the elderly promoted by adult children and grandchildren to get old people to stop asking for so much attention.  Baby Tiffany never calls or visits?  Put a few drops of this stuff in your eyes and the next thing you know, you'll "see" Tiffany dancing on stage and even stepping down to pay homage in the form of glowing stars.  That good enough for you, grandma?  

The way Fitbit reduces stress: Ignore Everything except the step tracker

 

The only thing consistent about my Fitbit's "fitness tracker" feature is it's almost comical inconsistency.

Saturday:  "You've been maintaining fitness and your readiness is moderate.  Aim for 10-34 zone minutes."

I work out on Saturday and exceed the recommendations.

Sunday:  "You've been maintaining fitness and your readiness is high.  Aim for 20-75 zone minutes."

I take a long walk and spend most of the day at the gym.

Monday:  "You've really been pushing it lately and are in danger of overtraining.  Schedule some time for recovery to avoid injury.  Aim for 1-18 zone minutes."

I take a long walk, hit the gym, and go way above requirements.

Tuesday:  "You have been maintaining fitness and your readiness is moderate.  Aim for 20-56 zone minutes."

I take a break from exercise though as usual hit my step goal.

Wednesday:  "You have been maintaining fitness. Aim for 40-80 zone minutes to get back on track." WTF?

I hit the gym and go way above recommendations.

Thursday:  "Schedule some time for Recovery.  Aim for 1-10 zone minutes to prevent injury."

I get my steps in and hit 14 zone minutes.

Friday:  "You are at risk of undertraining and your readiness is High.  Aim for 40-99 zone minutes."

What. the Actual. F?

Add to this the fact that every few days I can do an hour on the treadmill, get 10,000 steps in, and record ZERO zone minutes, and I'm convinced that I should stop reading the Daily Goal paragraph on my Fitbit and just look at the step tracker.  That seems to be pretty accurate.  Maybe the sleep score too.  But I'm done with the Daily Goal nonsense; that feature was clearly programmed by the same people who brought us the Magic 8 Ball method of making decisions.    

(Quick Update:  Yesterday I hit 229 zone minutes and a cardio load of 155 (target was 90-125.)  So what does Fitbit say this morning?  "You've been at risk of undertraining recently...." and my cardio load target is 145-194.  I guarantee that if I reach that goal, tomorrow it will tell me that I'm in danger of overtraining.  This thing is an absolute JOKE.)