Sunday, February 28, 2021

This Cherry Pepsi Commercial gives me hope for America's future


Not the commercial itself, mind you.  It's just another brainless Wall of Noise which has any sensible human being lunging for the Mute button and wondering what on Earth is going on at Pepsi that they would think anyone would want to experience this garbage unironically.

No, my hope comes from the comment section (I've never written that before, that's for sure.)  Pretty much all the comments condemn Pepsi for subjecting we the audience to this horrible spectacle which is apparently attempting to be hip or cool or whatever the hell it is that young people are calling it these days.  And I'm guessing that most of the comments are from young people who see right through Pepsi's ridiculous (and probably racist) effort to appeal to the Younger Set with this nonsense. 

Thanks for stepping up, YouTube commenters.  Maybe you are coming around.  This Boomer thinks that there may be hope for you yet.  Now get out of your parents basements, turn off the Game Box, get a job to pay for college, get a career you'll hold on to for forty years and buy a house for a year's salary before you hit 25!*

*Add /s for snark, of course.

Saturday, February 27, 2021

PNC Bank "Backhand" commercial makes Negative Sense


What does learning a backhand have to do with managing your online banking? Oh right- nothing. Thanks anyway, PNC Bank.  Thanks for not trying.  At all. 

How about this- "if you can read a book in a room the size of a walk-in closet with two other people, one of whom is practicing his backhand wearing virtual reality goggles, you are probably capable of managing your online banking because those are totally similar skills?"  Did you consider going with that?  Because it makes as much sense as this.  At LEAST as much sense.

Also- I assumed when I saw three people in a ridiculously cramped space that this was going to be a commercial for Rocket Mortgage. Seriously, why are all these people in the same room- especially the jackass with the virtual reality goggles? No other place you could be using those, buddy? Like in traffic, for example?

CopperFit Facial Masks, back for a (final?) Shameless Pandemic Cash Grab


1.  Notice how aggressive all of these commercials for Magic Copper Stuff are?  They all have this really in-your-face element about them, usually along the lines of "America Is On It's Way Back" and "Buy this Or DIE."  This time, it's facial coverings which, yes, no kidding, are "part of the new normal" and "even required in certain environments" (like California, New York, Washington DC or any other place the libtard Commiecrats are stifling your freedom.)

2.  Copper infused throughout entire facial covering gives you "all day comfort" and "peace of mind in this uncertain world."  But are we going to be told why it's better than any other (non-overpriced) facial covering?  Oh wait- was that what all that "Copper Infusion Technology" stuff was for?

3.  These facial coverings protect you from the "harsh elements"- which means, the sun.  You know, like any other facial covering.  It wicks away sweat, while at the same time keeping you cool, which I'm not sure actually makes sense.  

4.  They are washable- again, like pretty much any cloth mask.  

5.  We get a quote- "the Comfort you want, the protection you need."  Who is being quoted here?  We aren't told.  The words are just there, in quotation marks.  I'd be perplexed if this were the first Copper Crap commercial I'd ever seen.  It's not, so this is just par for the course.

6.  We get a repeat of the whole Start Technology/Air permitting/sweat wicking thing all over again, and then are told that copper is antimicrobial  or something.  I'd really like to see the data concerning the power of copper to kill or screen out microbes, but I don't think I'm going to be provided a link before this ad is over.

7.  Except for one detail, the rest of the ad is just a third repeat of claims already made.  The exception is a "warning" that "demand is high and supplies are limited," which more honestly translates into "six months from now nobody will be wearing masks anymore so our window of opportunity to sell crap that will sit in a junk drawer for the next thirty years after this summer is closing fast."

Friday, February 26, 2021

IHOP throws down the gauntlet in the Burrito Wars


So when the International House of Pancakes hires you to promote it's deep dive into the already-saturated-with-grease-and-fat American Burrito market, and you have absolutely no idea how you are going to do that, but you really want that sweet sweet IHOP marketing budget money, this is what you come up with:  a black guy standing on the roof of an IHOP, yelling to everyone within hearing range that IHOP now sells burritos. 

In a way, this is kind of the anti-Taco Bell of burrito commercials, isn't it?  Taco Bell has gone full Movie Mode with it's ads, creating mini-dramas that developmentally stunted Americans (the kind of people who would actually eat Taco Bell "food" products) eat up with the same enthusiasm as the vacuum in that disgusting garbage sold under the Taco Bell label.  IHOP doesn't attempt to copy Taco Bell's tactics in selling ITS burritos.  Taco Bell can spend millions of dollars on something that obese gamers who are unaware that Uber Eats doesn't exclusively deliver Taco Bell see as High Art.  IHOP is going totally minimalist, sticking a guy on the roof of an IHOP and having him just yell "This Place Got Burritos too, I just found out and responded by climbing on to the roof!"

Good to know, by the way, that when it comes to expanding the American waistline while reducing the American life expectancy, IHOP is not willing to let Taco Bell carry so much of the load anymore.  Thing is, they were already doing their part in those endeavors before entering the Oily Ground Beef market.  I expect Taco Bell to retaliate by adding Cheesecake Pancakes topped with Kool-Whip any day now.  

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

This stupid wall of noise brought to you by Kit Kat


Or maybe "this headache brought to you by the Hershey Company?"

Or how about we go back to "give me a break?"  I mean, that was absolute Einstein-level genius compared to this garbage. 

Don't even bother to watch this more than once.  Don't try to analyze it.  Don't try to figure out how it's supposed to make you want to eat a Kit Kat, which is actually a pretty decent candy as far as bland chocolate goes.  There's nothing to this ad.  It's just dumb and loud.  Which I guess is all you really need in a 15-second commercial for chocolate. 

Sunday, February 21, 2021

Xofluza: Seriously, WTF??


So if you've got a fever and chills, are short of breath, and a headache....are you really going to think it's the flu?  I mean it is Spring, 2021 after all.  I wouldn't think I've got the flu.  I'd assume I have that disease the mention of which gets your YouTube channel demonetized.  You know, that disease that doesn't exist and is just a plot to make you wear a mask because the government wants you to wear a mask because Reasons.  The one that was totally made up by China to destroy Donald Trump.  Yeah, that one.

Anyway, if you are an optimist and think you have a nasty case of the Flu and not that Other Thing, you've got about fifteen minutes to contact your doctor, get a diagnosis through a Zoom call, and get a prescription for Xofluza (I can't believe that wasn't taken already) filled by your local pharmacy before your window of opportunity to use this drug that I guess must be taken inside the first two days of symptoms closes faster than you wish those people living with you would just close the damn door already so you don't freeze to death while you're stuck inside (you know, those people who are going to mock your pain by throwing a ball back in forth right in front of your window while you sit propped up in your bed wondering why they don't get into the car and go pick up your damn prescription already.)

Xofluza (why does that sound like a really dumb music festival?) comes with all those wonderfully awful side effects that you've grown to love over the years- headaches, diarrhea, shortness of breath (you know, the same symptoms as the flu) so you know it's working to make you ten percent healthier than you were before.  Unless you've got that other thing we aren't going to talk about.

Saturday, February 20, 2021

As Seen on TV: Americans are Pathetic Whiners!


You've got a blog that virtually nobody reads.  Despite the tiny audience, you feel compelled to find material to use on your blog.  It's a real First World Problem that deserves a First World Solution!

Well, here's mine:  Instead of finding a commercial to snark on, I'm just going to cut and paste this guy's snark to my blog.  It's easy peasy, I got two just for paying extra shipping and handling, and now I can get back to doing whatever I was doing instead of updating my blog!

Friday, February 19, 2021

Better do this Mask commercial before its no longer relevant...any month now...


Know how I avoid losing my mask?  By wearing it on my face so it covers my nose and my mouth.  When I do that, it's pretty much impossible to lose it. 

It's really that simple.  If you aren't being a douchenozzle and just wearing a mask when you notice someone approaching you- and don't get "surprised" by someone "suddenly coming up on you" and there you are out in public and not wearing your mask- you really don't have to reach for that mask at the last moment, "dive into your handbag" or your pocket to get that piece of cloth you apparently are only willing to put on for a few seconds at a time when you decide that it's absolutely necessary to suspend your imaginary Right Not To Wear A Mask Cause Freedom.  Because you're already wearing it- as you walk across the parking lot and approach the entrance to the store, NOT carrying it in your pocket or your bag until you are five inches from that door.  Because you're already wearing it- NOT only when the waitress approaches at the outdoor cafe, but the whole time you are sitting there because We're Trying to Get Through This you freaking Dicktards.  

But I guess if you insist on whipping off your mask unless you are aware someone is within six feet of you, a mask with a built-in lanyard is a good idea.  If you're not part of the problem, it's kind of unnecessary because, well, YOU'RE ALREADY WEARING THE FREAKING MASK.

And oh, by the way- funny thing about masks- they are very easy to just slip under your chin when you are outside and there really is nobody around.  Even if you refuse to keep your nose and mouth covered like a good citizen, why the hell do you need a lanyard anyway?  

Oh, and Copper again.  Gotta mention that, too.  There's nothing copper can't do.  According to TV.  Except keep you from losing your mask.  So this one has a built-in lanyard.  

Tuesday, February 16, 2021

It's that time of year: Optima Tax Relief offers to defend the Indefensible


1.  No, the IRS can't just "take" your money if it "wants to."  If you owe taxes, the IRS has a case against you and can force you to pay your taxes.

2.  "...Even threaten your home or business."  If you have that home or business because you didn't pay your taxes, you stole the money used to maintain that home and business.  We'll get to who, exactly, you stole that money from in a moment, but- Spoilers!- I don't feel sorry for you.

3.  "One phone call to Optima Tax Relief can stop the IRS targeting you...." nope.  It CAN stop the "harassing letters" (I wonder- if you write to someone who owes YOU money, do you consider that "harassment?")  It CAN stop the phone calls from the IRS.  Know what's really wrong with this statement, though?  It's just as accurate if you cut out the "Optima Tax Relief" part.  If the IRS is sending you letters (the IRS does not operate over the phone, to discourage scammers) you can stop that by contacting the IRS and expressing an interest in working out your issues which (another Spoiler alert) are NOT WITH THE IRS.

4.  Let's just cut to the chase.  Nobody owes money to the IRS.  If you don't pay your taxes, you owe money to the USA.  You are a deadbeat freeloader who doesn't want to contribute to the society that is allowing you to succeed.  If you are prospering by not paying your fair share, you OUGHT to be called on your BS and forced to cough up, just like the rest of us.  Who the hell do you think you are, Donald Trump?

Don't want to be "harassed" to pay what you owe?  Pay what you owe.  Don't want your house or business or bank accounts seized?  Don't maintain them by cheating and avoiding your responsibilities.  And if you lose your Stuff because you got caught, pardon this Taxpayer for not having a single s--t to give for you.  I'm busy waiting for my refund, thanks anyway. 

Sunday, February 14, 2021

Discover how stupid this credit card company thinks you are


"Here's something else about Discover cards:  they are RECTANGULAR in shape, they are MADE OUT OF PLASTIC, and they fit CONVENIENTLY INTO ANY CONVENTIONAL WALLET!"

Thing is, there's this little thing called the Fair Credit Billing Act, which was passed into law in 1974 and has been strengthened in the past decade.  Generally, personal liability for the unauthorized use of a credit card is limited to $50; only in extreme conditions (the owner of the card loses the card but fails to notify the bank of the loss within 30 days) might it rise to a maximum possible liability of $500.  And if only the number has been stolen, and the customer can prove that the card is still within her possession, the liability in almost all cases is ZERO.

In other words, Discover is "offering" something that every other credit card company offers, and is REQUIRED to offer.  

(By the way, did the guy in this commercial buy that turtle online? Sure sounds like it, if he thinks that the merchant who sold him the turtle is using his card number fraudulently.  Who buys turtles online?  If he went through a local pet shop- you know, the way anyone else stupid enough to want to buy a turtle at all would- why isn't he discussing this issue with that pet shop?  And while we're at it, who deals with concerns about credit card theft by just randomly mentioning the issue with a friend?  There IS an 800 number on the back of that card.  Ever think about using it, moron?  I mean, even if you DON'T have any liability, you ought to be calling them with your concerns anyway, don't you think?  Do you EVER think?)

Saturday, February 13, 2021

eTrade needs to stop telling me to not get angry while making me angry


I guess I just don't these eTrade "don't get angry" commercials, as none of them have ever shown me a scenario in which I would be justified in "getting angry" (that is, unless eTrade knows I get angry at stupid commercials.  If that's the case, these all make perfect sense.)

In this ad, eTrade treats the audience like children who think "buying the dips" means buying actual dip for chips.  Thing is, 99 percent of the time for 99 percent of the audience, that's exactly what it means.  Even the part of the audience that is in the market- even the part that is actively involved in trading- generally means "buying dip for chips" when they say they are responsible for "buying the dips."  Because people who do their own trading don't need a new phrase for "buying when prices are low/dropping."  That phrase was working just fine, thank you very much. 

By the way, who is this commercial really supposed to appeal to?  People who do their own trading who think they really understand the market and need another reason to sneer and otherwise look down on people who don't do their own trading (like me) because they know they don't understand the market?  If that's the case, this ad belongs in the same rank as Audi and Lexus commercials, designed to stoke more anger from the unwashed, non-investing masses more than to attract new customers.  

Friday, February 12, 2021

eTrade continues to be stupid


I'm guessing that this kid's parents are too busy managing their money to pay any attention to him, which is why he's free to create his own sad little improvised gym, exercise and diet plan which includes wasting a dozen eggs--?

Judging from that house, one of two things must be true:

A.  This kids' parents are already doing very well financially, so at least they are getting some value in return for neglecting their kid.   OR

B.  This kid doesn't HAVE any parents, this is HIS house, which means he is doing REALLY well financially and I'm actually impressed.  But I don't get why he doesn't just get himself a Total Gym and/or a Peloton Bike, as he can obviously afford it. 

Sunday, February 7, 2021

Pizza Hut's retro fail. I'm already done with the Superbowl.


Remember back in the 1980s when you played Pacman?  Remember being young and going out and having fun pumping quarters into this and other stupid video games because you were young and it was fun and the whole world lay out in front of you?

Well, you can relive those years for a few seconds in this ad- if you are anyone but me, I guess.  I'm too busy getting queazy watching this guy spend half a minute spitting on a rapidly-cooling pizza before finally putting his game on pause and eating some.  I mean, go back and see how many times this guy utters the "p" sound.  Ugh. 

Meanwhile...the game starts in about half an hour, and as is my habit, I'll watch it while tuning out the commercials.  That's right, I don't even WATCH Superbowl ads.  I didn't even watch them for the two years I was a participant in the Nielsen ratings.  FU, Capitalism!  I'm watching your billion-dollar spectacle and I'm not contributing one penny to your insatiable maw!  

Rent A Center Commercial from 1994 shows how little progress we've made


It's almost horrifying to imagine that people were once drawn to Rent A Center by "awesome deals" like a 19-inch tv with Included VCR for "only" $14.99 a week for 91 weeks (total price: $1364.  For a 19-inch tv with a VCR.  And when you're done paying- you give it back.  You don't even OWN it.  And if THAT'S not scary enough, this commercial is from 1994, when $1364 was worth $2,382.)  

And when you aren't enjoying your ridiculous I Want It Right Now Impulse Rent television with VCR, you can do a load of laundry in the clothes washer you are renting for $8.99 a week for 78 weeks (total price:  $701, or $1224 in today's money.)  At least you can sort of justify the washer (though seriously, I think you would have been better off with a weekly trip to the laundromat.)  Most of the crap shown in this ad are not necessities.  We see game systems, stereos, recliners....I mean, what the hell, people?  Faced with three choices- Save Up, Do Without, or Empty Your Wallet into a Bottomless Pit, that Bottomless Pit sure was popular back in the 90s, wasn't it?

Well, here we are in 2021, and there are two Rent A Centers within easy walking distance of my apartment- and also several pawn shops and dollar stores.  The poor we always have with us- and there are more of them than ever.  And it's at least as expensive to be poor nowadays as it was back in 1994.  It's not getting any better out there...

Saturday, February 6, 2021

Does the tour at least end with drinks in the Green Room?


Or "This is Where the Magic Happens, using the word Magic very, very loosely." 

1. If you're pumped about being given a tour of a freaking stock brokerage, your life is over and you ought to just start preparing for the funeral.  Come to think of it, a tour of a mortuary must be at least one hundred percent more interesting. 

2.  If you find yourself calling the people who "helped roll over your 401(k)" and who "helped set up your account" (is that what she said?  I don't care what she said.  I'm not watching this again) by their first names, you desperately need to go out and make some friends, because it's clear that no one is going to show up at your funeral. 

3.  When they get to the end of the hallway, is Mr. Mousse going to show her the bathroom or the breakroom?  Because seriously, except for the fictional place mentioned in the title of this post, what else is there to a brokerage besides people looking at computer screens and taking phone calls?  I imagine that this woman is a High School teacher who is about to be divested of the notion that TD Ameritrade might be a cool place to bring her kids on a field trip.  It's a freaking brokerage, lady.  It's not even the floor of the NYSE.  I mean, THAT might be a cool place to hang out for an hour or so, if you're so fascinated with numbers.  What did you think you were going to get out of this "tour," anyway?

Friday, February 5, 2021

TD Ameritrade Commercial Presents: What the one percent does while the rest of us are actually working


1.  The jackass customer here is not told anything in this ad that he couldn't have learned by going to TD or making a quick phone call.  But because he- and his broker- have all the freaking time in the world, he's going to talk over his need for a customizable online trading platform while casually sitting around a TD Ameritrade office in the middle of the day because no way does that broker have any other clients he could be taking calls from.  Jesus, this guy makes Jake from State Farm look like a human dynamo.  

2.  Wonder if there really is a "green room?"  Well, don't worry.  Even if there is, you aren't getting into it.  Talking to a broker from across a desk for ten minutes to be shoveled into a standard set of investment funds is good enough for you, me and pretty much everyone else who isn't pulling down at least six figures a year and wants to pretend they know how to manage their own money.  You aren't sitting on a couch having a casual, slow-paced conversation with Mr. Mousse about how you'd like to be able to control your own trades, because you don't know how that's done, have other things to think about (like the monthly bills, and Life) and would just like to try to save a little bit to supplement Social Security and wouldn't try to do it on your own any more than you'd try to give yourself gallstone surgery...

3.  Um...there's more than one chair in that room, guys.  Why the hell are you sitting so close together?  Am I the only person who finds this more than a little weird?

Wednesday, February 3, 2021

Weathertech: Stupid stuff for Stupid people!


The people in this ad can afford a sprawling suburban McMansion in which every member of their family owns their own cell phone....but they can't afford more than one garbage-piece-of-plastic Weathertech phone holder?  Yeah, right. 

That last guy already has a laptop open.  What the hell does he need his phone for? To carry on a conversation while doing work on his laptop?  Why does he need for it to be at eye-level?  Is he working on that laptop or talking on the phone?  Jesus, buddy!  Bur at least he isn't endangering anybody, unlike...

Um, wasn't this conversation over?  What's with the "sorry, I dropped you?"  Shouldn't he just hang up now?  

And yeah, the stupid phone-holder junk might prevent Horrible Disasters like not being able to find your phone while you are operating a piece of heavy machinery.  Know what else would be a horrible disaster?  If you crashed into someone while looking for or talking into or otherwise being distracted by that phone.  How about you just let the phone stay where it is and you keep your mind on the road until you get that thing safely parked again?  Too much to ask?  Am I kidding myself?  Of course it is!

Monday, February 1, 2021

If I were the woman in this Cologuard Commercial, I'd walk faster


You're CLEARLY someone who takes care of yourself!  I mean, most people just BUY running shoes, but not you! You're in the one percent of the population which not only OWNS running shoes, but actually uses them to run!  You rock!

And now, the bad news.  You have very serious medical issues.  For one thing, you see giant marshmallows in the park.  For another thing, you think you can interact with the giant marshmallows.  And worst of all (for now,) you think the giant marshmallows are giving you medical advice.  I know health insurance is expensive, but substituting a jogging marshmallow only you can see for a trained professional is not the way to save money....

Please, seek help.  You need it more than you think you do.  There are actual medications that can help make the talking, jogging giant marshmallows go away, but they aren't going to be recommended by the giant marshmallows.  Go see a real doctor, before the giant marshmallow you think is running your life tells you to start ending the lives of others.