Thursday, January 31, 2019
Is it ok if I want every single one of these self-important twats with their expensive computers to just go die in a fire for subjecting me to this garbage? I mean, could any of them lift their eyes from their Macs to let me know what it is about Macs that allows them to do something they couldn't do with a Dell?
*Well, ok, not every single one of them. Kermit the frog is still cool, and Jim Hensen is dead so I can't even blame him for selling out. And Malala is ok. And that little girl in the end- she might not even know she's in an ad. But you know what I mean.
Sunday, January 27, 2019
The guy in this ad is waiting for someone to pick him up and give him a ride to work- he's got a job, see, and he's got a truck, but he can't afford INSURANCE, so if you stick a newspaper under it that truck becomes the world's biggest paperweight. I'm not sure if it would become the world's most expensive paperweight, 'cause I haven't checked Touchofmodern.com lately.
Talk about doing everything backwards. This guy has a job. He's got transportation. So why can't he buy insurance? I strongly suspect it's because he's got years of accidents on his record and no reputable company will have anything to do with him without requiring a month-to-month policy and prohibitively high payments- so why did he buy that nice new truck?
But here comes Good2Go, which proudly declares it's willingness to sell you a policy that provides the absolute bare minimum coverage under the law, so you and your crappy driving record can get back on the road and endanger more people. I'll be keeping my eye out for you.
Still looking for the absolute worst Good2Go commercial, which features a mom feeding her kids tuna casserole every night because she's saving up to buy car insurance (man, did those kids loose out in the ol' genetic lottery.) Once she signs up with cut-rate Good2Go, she's got enough to serve them steak. Warms the heart, it does. As soon as someone posts it to YouTube it will be at this blog, I can promise you that.
Saturday, January 26, 2019
Seriously, there is so much ridiculous piled into this short ad, I hardly know where to start.
All that happens in this ad is that a woman notes while jogging that someone is selling flowers "cash only," gets some cash, and buys some flowers. That's it. Somehow this is presented as doing something amazing for the human race- no, never mind the human race, the PLANET. Oh, she does interrupt her jogging to toss something into the recycle bin, which I guess qualifies her for Sainthood, but really...
After noting that she needs cash if she wants to buy flowers, this woman buys a cup of coffee using a debit card which is just sitting in a big floppy pocket of her jogging suit, waiting to leap to freedom first chance it gets. That's a pretty stupid way to carry around a debit card, lady. Oh, but then she walks over to the ATM in the coffee shop and withdraws twenty bucks- what the hell is with you, stupid woman? You couldn't just get cash back from the coffee purchase? You know what, if you had gone to the nearest 7-11 instead of this pretentious coffee shop you could have got that $20 WITHOUT wasting time at an ATM machine.
(Oh, and "FDIC Insured?" Isn't that kind of required for a bank to operate within the borders of the United States these days?)
Then she goes back outside and buys a bouquet of flowers from the flower lady. She hands the flower lady TWENTY DOLLARS for a small bouquet and walks away with the bouquet AND NO CHANGE. So this ridiculous jogging woman just went for a run with her debit card, saved the planet by tossing something into a recycle bin, bought a coffee, used an ATM, and handed twenty bucks to cart salesperson for what looks to be maybe $5 worth of flowers?
What is this woman Aspiring too? Bankruptcy? I mean, come on. What the hell is the matter with you, stupid jogging woman? And what's with that permanent look of Enlightened Liberalism you've got stitched into your face? What Amazingly Progressive thing did you do that I obviously missed? 'Cause I don't see giving a flower woman a $15 tip as advancing any cause unless it's the depletion of your bank account.
(Why did this woman buy coffee in the first place? Who interrupts jogging to buy coffee? Is she just going to walk back home now with her coffee and flowers? I bet the cashier at the coffee place wished she had used the ATM first and paid cash for that coffee, considering what an awesome tipper she is. Instead, she didn't tip THAT guy AT ALL because she used plastic and THEN got cash. What the serious heck is going on here???)
And while we're at it, what is wrong with the person who asks about the background music in the comments? Are you freaking insane, or what?
Friday, January 25, 2019
A moment later the boss sees what this kid is doing with his on-the-clock time and fires his sorry butt
Because as we all know, people who own businesses and yachts typically get their taxes done by an annonymous numbers monkey at TurboTax. What, was the line behind the guy in the Statue of Liberty costume down at LibertyTax too long?
Seriously, how sad do you have to be to go to such great lengths to impress the TurboTax person? And isn't your sad little facade going to collapse the moment she looks at your 1040 form and realize that if you are being at all honest, you are the worst-paid CEO in the United States, along with being the poorest yacht owner?
Thursday, January 24, 2019
And I thought having to listen to my father's favorite Nitty Gritty Dirt Band album over and over was bad....
This girl grew up listening to Dad's favorite song, which I guess she never noticed was about how men are doomed to be treated like playthings by evil, manipulative women. Since she never paid the slightest attention to the lyrics, she sat with her father and listened to him play it again and again, failing as she grew to understand dad's pathetic obsession with someone or another who hurt him once and who convinced him to bury his soul into a song. She realized the song meant a lot to him so she learned to play it on the guitar, and whenever she thought about her dad she thought about that song and maybe dad's inability to just let go and move on with his life already.
When she finally went to college, she packed everything she owned into a gigantic Amazon box and went off to a dorm room where she realized she'd be surrounded by exactly the kind of horrible females who destroyed her father (the kind with eyes and hair.) She felt frightened to be in such a nest of Jezebels and decided to take comfort- or don armor- by asking her Echo Dot to "play dad's playlist" which, again, consists of exactly one song with a pretty creepy message.
I hope she has a roomate who, after listening to this song eight or nine times over the first weekend in the dorm, asks her what the hell is going on with the fixation on that stupid song. And when Daddy's little girl explains that it's always been Daddy's favorite song, they can have a chat which is enlightening on both sides. And when Daddy's little girl goes home for break, she and Daddy can have their own little chat about how Daddy got hurt and why Daddy never let his pain go, never grew the hell up and moved on, and insisted on passing his hurt on to his daughter. And how none of this is charming or sweet or anything like healthy.
Monday, January 21, 2019
I could go along with the YouTube commenters who want to focus on how rude the woman in this ad is. And I could do an entire post based solely on that aspect of the ad- she bumps into a guy she knows at a coffee shop who tells her that he invented this App and it's doing great. He starts to give her some details about the App, and two seconds later she decides that his idea is not only really stupid, but it's not worth one more moment of her time, and she's relieved to be "rescued" by the tax person who randomly called her to ask if this is a good time to go over her tax return "line by line."
She behaves as if she's just been given a reprieve by the governor because she can't simply be A) nice to the guy and let him talk for a minute or so before wishing him well and moving on, or B) brutally honest and tell him she's so uninterested that she'd rather talk to some tax choad on her phone than listen to one more word out of his stupid face.
I could do that, but that would be following the YouTube commenter script, which if you check it out gets really, really ugly- I mean, these guys really, really don't like women at all. They've got issues. I'm not going to quote them, but there it is. I'm not following their lead.
Instead, I'll just point out that sitting in a coffee shop using it's easily-hackable public WiFi is probably NOT the perfect place to "go over your taxes, line by line." No matter how desperately you want to end a conversation you've decided you just can't bear to continue for some reason. But I'm sure that when this woman DOES go through her taxes "line by line," she'll continue to do it without using earbuds or anything like that, because there's nothing private about tax forms after all and I'm sure everybody in that shop is as super-interested in hearing it as she is in avoiding what probably would have been a 2-minute conversation that made a fellow human being feel a little better about his accomplishments.
Sunday, January 20, 2019
1. It's an iPhone commercial. In other words, Much Ado About Nothing and just another sad attempt to get people who already own a perfectly good iPhone to shell out a thousand dollars to "upgrade" it Because Hey It's Just Money Burning a Hole in my Pocket. I mean, I guess you could convince yourself that you really "need".....ummm.....better color than your current phone offers. I guess you could. You probably can, if you've already purched thousand-dollar phones in the past. So you probably don't need this commercial at all. What a waste of effort. Which brings us to....
2. What a waste of effort. In the days before CGI, this commercial might justifiably be lauded as a masterstroke of direction and gain plaudits for it's brilliant choreography. Now we know some jackass with a computer just vomited this out after a few hours of rendering with a software program, and it probably includes no more than a dozen actual human beings jumping around with the rest being digital creations. Which makes it all just another boring iPhone ad trying to convince us that a thousand dollars is NOT too much to spend for a phone because Hey Check out the Color.
But hey, who am I kidding. Half of you are probably off to the Apple store like an army of drooling lemmings with credit card in hand to buy the Perfect Phone for the First Quarter of 2019. Morons.
Saturday, January 19, 2019
So if you are so burned out on life that you can't be bothered to notice that your grandchild has opened up a box of something and is spilling it all over the place, the smart thing to do is book a flight to a vineyard where you can get drunk and ignore the fact that your grandchild is running through a vineyard all over the place?
Seems to me that the grandmother in this ad (that's not the kids mother, is it? She looks at least sixty years older than the kid, right?) doesn't need a break as much as the people working in the grocery store, who have to clean up after little kids who aren't being tended to by idiot old people who bring their grandchildren to stores and let those grandchildren treat the produce like toys. Just sayin'.
Friday, January 18, 2019
I'm a little concerned about an adult with at least one dependent child who is not aware that child care costs are deductable. Not for this guy's wallet, but for that child. Because I don't have any kids, but because I've filled out tax forms before I'm aware that you can claim child care costs and get a deduction for them.
Somehow, this stupid slob managed to get someone to have sex with him, produce a kid, incur child care expenses, and yet through all that never learn that those expenses are deductable. I don't know how this happened unless he's either a pampered brat who until this year always had this stuff done for him (maybe he's recently divorced from a woman who did the taxes for the family before she got sick of being married to a clueless child) or he's just really, really stupid and it never occurred to him that JUST MAYBE he should ask if he could deduct child care expenses before just shrugging and sending the feds more money than they were entitled to.
Oh, wait- there's another possibility. Maybe he spent years moving from state to state to avoid paying child support before finally being tracked down by the authorities and being forced into accepting his financial responsibilities. Now that he's being compelled to act like an adult, he needs to learn the rules, including the rules involving the deduction of child care costs.
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
If I were to suddenly die, all my problems would be instantly solved. What calls do I have to make, what papers do I have to sign, before I die? Oh, none? Then what do I have to worry about?
I'm not the one who is supposed to "be prepared." This commercial isn't about the person who has suddenly kicked off at all. It's about all those deadbeats and freeloaders who have been living off the body of the recently deseased and who now realize that the awesome ride is over and it's time to be Independent. Finally.
So anyone who depends on me for money, a place to live, internet connectivity, regular cellphone updates, vacations, rides to soccer practice G-D DAMN IT IT NEVER ENDS DOES IT ITS ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME needs to prepare for that moment WHICH WILL COME SOMEDAY I PROMISE YOU when I am no longer around TO BE BLED TO DEATH BY YOUR ENDLESS DEMANDS. All of YOU have to prepare for the day you can no longer be leeches sucking the very LIFE out that PERSON YOU KNOW WHO WORKS FOR A LIVING AND PROVIDES ALL THIS FOR YOU. That means getting a job and saving your money and preparing for the day when YOU GET TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.
In short, this commercial has nothing to do with me at all. It's not a warning for me. It's a warning for you. Because whatever problems pop up because I died and didn't leave you enough money to continue your dream life without labor, they are going to be your problems, not mine. I'll be enjoying the sweet, sweet embrace of warm, lovely death. Away from you, you grasping, life-sucking money vampires.
Love ya bunches!
Monday, January 14, 2019
The only thing more cringe-worthy than this monstrously stupid ad is the series of comments that follow it on YouTube. Seriously, they basically come down to this:
Several people simply quote the lyrics. And others give those people thumbs-up for their "comments."
One person says that the song "sounds a lot like 'it's magic' by Selena Gomez." I wish I was kidding. I'm not.
Almost nobody actually points out that this comercial is mind-numbingly stupid and makes you want to fly to Los Angeles, track down the producers, and punch them in the face as hard as humanly possible. And then track down all the stupid people who agreed to be in this ad and punch them even harder. And then track down the surviving members of Pilot, hold a gun to their heads, and make them swear that they simply lost the copyright to their only hit and had no say in it's use in this horrible lump of a dangerous medication commercial.*
*I've seen this nasty stain on the soul of television at least a dozen times, and I still can't remember what Disease Not As Bad As The Symptoms Ozempic is supposed to treat. The screen tells me that Ozempic is a Semaglutide Injection, which sounds something I'd rather avoid in any case.
Sunday, January 13, 2019
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| from John F. Jamele on January 11, 2019|
Beautiful and came very fast
I was surprised when this showed up two days after I ordered it; very impressive service. The belt itself is very attractive and sized exactly as ordered. Definitely recommend.
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Saturday, January 12, 2019
Or at least the laziest. Maybe I should have said "laziest." Because there's no way it could possibly get lazier than this.
"They could win with a field goal....they're going to try to ice the kicker..." you know what, I'm not going to even get into the dumb color commentary. Pepsi does more than enough to show it's utter contempt for its audience without getting into that.
Instead, I'll note that every single person in this 60,000 seat stadium not only has a can of Pepsi (not beer, meaning that this is the only NFL game in history to be attended exclusively by 14-year olds) but a big plastic cup filled with ice to pour it into. Where the hell did those come from? Who drinks soda poured from cans into plastic cups filled with ice at a football game? What kind of stupid bizarro world is this?
Oh wait, I almost forgot- it's a Pepsi Commercial.
Anyway, all these people with cups now filled with ice and Pepsi ("Ice" the kicker- get it? GET IT? THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LAUGH, STUPID PEOPLE!) take a sip at the same time and let out an "ahhhh" as if there's something refreshing about Pepsi- or as if they haven't had a thing to drink in the previous three hours and are relieved to have SOMETHING, ANYTHING to quench their thirst, even if it's Pepsi. Somehow this wave of stupid distracts the kicker or creates a sound wave or something which causes the field goal attempt to fail, cue applause, cue end of very, very stupid ad.
Congratulations, Pepsi. We are all a little bit dumber from watching this stupid, obvious nub of insult posing as a commercial. Well done. Nothing released over the next 11 and a half months is going to come close to this when it comes to vacant, vapid asshattery. Mazel Tov on your release of a virtual black hole of an ad, brilliantly devoid of even the slightest hint of entertainment value. I'm in awe.
When we are introduced to the character of Ernie Capadino (played by Jon Lovitz) in the film A League of Their Own, he's sitting next to a salesman on a train. The salesman is gushing with incredible enthusiasm about how he's traveling around the country pitching some product or another and how he's about to be promoted director of his company's western sales branch or something. Capadino responds by laughing and telling the salesman "if I had your job, I'd kill myself."
I know it will sound mean, but that's exactly how I feel whenever I watch one of these ridiculous commercials for a company called 4Imprint. I mean, try to imagine working for this company. Your job is to pitch a service that slaps some other company's logo on everything from coffee travel mugs to ball point pens which can then be handed out as free crap at trade shows. You have to know that none of this garbage is going to convince anyone to use any service, but will instead be used to replace the fading, dented, or lost (probably left on a train or at school or wherever because it has zero value to its owner) junk picked up at the LAST trade show. 4imprint doesn't even make the garbage. It just stencils a name on garbage. Wow, I'm sure that's what the stupid chirpy woman in this ad dreamed of doing when she was growing up.
I'll be heading off to Louisville to grade for Educational Testing Service for the 11th straight year in June. When I get there, I'll be handed a "welcome bag" which will probably include a travel mug, umbrella and almost unbelievably cheap carrying case all emblazoned with the logo for AP and The College Board. The umbrella will be broken before summer is out. The travel mug will still be around (if I haven't misplaced it) but the logo will be rubbed off by the end of the year. I probably won't even bring the carrying case back with me because- well, there's only so much room in that suitcase. But I sure hope that nobody actually took pride in making sure that stupid logo was slapped on that stupid junk Just Right to Impress Me, because that would be really, really sad.
Friday, January 11, 2019
Eventually, this kid will get hungry and discover that mommy and daddy abandoned her to her children and her bestest electronic friend to go spend the holidays in Aruba.
Seriously, what the hell is going on here? Someone just handed this kid a very expensive electronic device with access to cable, Netflix etc. and said "have fun with your dolls, kid, but be sure to just stay in this room?" Little Daughter looks like the most socially isolated, lonely little twit in the universe, with her sole comfort an iPad with excellent connectivity. At least she's been trained not to access "inappropriate" material on her filter-free Stimulus Machine.
Ok, maybe Mommy and Daddy didn't actually abandon this kid- maybe it's January 1 and they are just passed out in the other room, and Daughter knows better than to disturb them until at least noon. Still, this is a pretty disturbing commercial.
Thursday, January 10, 2019
The guy in this ad is dreaming of the "perfect life" which could be protected by State Farm Insurance- he imagines his wife making lawn sculptures, his son (or somebody, I don't know- that part where he nods at dad creeps me out too much for some reason) about to dive into a swimming pool, etc in the back yard of a big suburban mansion which includes a big yard to water....
And then the daydream is interrupted, to reveal...that the guy actually does have a swimming pool in the back yard of a big suburban mansion with a big yard to water. The only difference is that his family are real people doing real stupid hick things around that big swimming pool, and not the perfect people he was daydreaming they were.
Since State Farm isnt' going to turn his stupid hick family into a Trophy Wife and Trophy Children, it's kind of hard to see what the point is here. State Farm can help protect this dumb, ugly family from disaster so they can keep being dumb and ugly and the bane of the neighborhood? So when dad kills himself with the toaster and makes it look like an accident, the rest of these jackasses can live off his insurance policy? If that's the case, well....ok, go protect that and be my guess. If that's not the case, well....the offer is still open. Someone, please, explain this one to me.
Monday, January 7, 2019
So at the beginning of this ad, Future Daddy is trying to put together a crib for a baby which has not quite arrived yet. He's interrupted by Very Pregnant Future Mommy, who pulls that obnoxiously cutesy "we" bit when she tells Future Daddy "we're early." Not going to get into that at all except to say-- no, "we" are not.
And here's where the ad goes completely off the rails. Instead of immediately getting Future Mommy to the hospital, Future Daddy stops off at a store to clean it out of diapers, talcum powder and whatever the heck else is considered Very Important Stuff for new babies. Future Mommy is sitting in the parking lot, in the car, beeping the horn- maybe to remind Future Daddy that she's still waiting to be taken to the hospital to have their baby. I really hope that among the thoughts flying through her head is one that resembles "Oh my god I married a guy who thinks that we need to bring diapers and talcum powder and formula to the hospital with us, what the hell did I get myself into here?"
Everything works out ok- Future Daddy uses his Credit Union Debit Card to buy the stuff really fast and they get to the hospital on time (I assume, I mean, we don't see anyone giving birth in a parking lot) and in the final scene we see Mommy and Daddy and new Baby who (for the moment) has no idea what an incredibly stupid human being Daddy is. He'll have plenty of time to find out, assuming Daddy doesn't accidentally kill him before he gets the chance.
Sunday, January 6, 2019
Someone tell this grinning idiot that the reason you attach a lens to a camera is so you can take a close-up without actually physically jamming the camera into the subject's face. And that if you want to convince me to drink this canned junk, don't behave as if it contains Speed.
Seriously. what the hell is wrong with you, stupid lady?
(Oh and BTW, I'm not at all surprised that this is another Blocked Comments video. Boost doesn't want any blowback for what is an obviously really, really stupid ad.
Saturday, January 5, 2019
The YouTube comment posters really love this commercial- they love bleating "free," they like brownnosing all over TurboTax, and one even says that he loves the ad so much he'd buy the service except it's free. Uh huh.
Here's the thing. I've been a TurboTax customer for nine years. I find the service extremely easy to use- possibly because I don't own anything and work with only two W2 forms- and generally am able to complete my Federal and State returns, pay the fees, and e-file in about half an hour. I have never had a problem with any returns completed with the TurboTax program, and usually get emails confirming acceptance of them by the Feds and State authorities inside of 48 hours. I've never waited longer than two weeks for my refunds to be direct deposited. Yes, the service works.
But...note that I included "pay the fees" in describing my experience with TurboTax. TurboTax is NOT, for all practical purposes, "free" in any way, shape or form. On average I end up paying about sixty dollars to e-file my returns, and that's after refusing to upgrade to the "Deluxe" version which is totally unnecessary because, as I stated above, I don't own anything. Meanwhile, I get the same "File For Free" message on the website which remains there right up to the moment I start filling out the little boxes.
Here's how it works. TurboTax typically offers free filing of your state return, IF you pay for filing your federal return at the same time. So it's "free" in the same way a soda is free, just pay for the can before you open it. Here's a tip- if you end up taking out your credit card and giving your number to a company that asks you for sixty dollars to finish completing and filing your "free" returns, the program wasn't free. If you get to a page where you get two choices- the "standard" filing assistance for $49.95 or the "deluxe" version for $79.95, the program isn't free. If you are "offered" the opportunity to have the cost of the filing subtracted from your refund "for a small extra fee," THE PROGRAM ISN'T FREE.
Now, I haven't researched this fully, so it's entirely possible that there is a way to get TurboTax to do your returns for free. I suspect that it would involve printing all the completed documents up yourself, sticking them into an envelope, and sending them to the IRS, and come with all kinds of disclaimers concerning how TurboTax is not responsible in any way for delays in the Feds or the State officials getting your returns or you getting your refund. I suspect that the "free" version comes with zero support and is covered with warnings that if you take the "free" option you are setting yourself up for disaster Better Click That $39.95 Button At The Very Least. Far more likely, the "free" claim references nothing more than the Free If You Pay For This deal I mentioned in the previous paragraph.
Oh, guess what- I decided to check on the "free" claim at the TurboTax website. Turns out that you CAN get a free filing using TurboTax IF your filing fits these categories:
I was quite correct in my prediction that using the free option means that you get no support from TurboTax if something goes wrong. Nor do you have your documents stored in a safe place electronically unless you do that yourself. So while you CAN technically file for free using TurboTax, it's a pretty bad idea.
Again- I use TurboTax. I LIKE TurboTax. It works really, really well. But the safe version is NOT free. Non-buyer beware.
Friday, January 4, 2019
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Larry Fitzgerald promised his mom that when his playing career was over, he'd finish college- is that what I was supposed to get out of this?
And then his mom died, but Larry Fitzgerald didn't forget his promise. He decided to go back to school. Well, that's sweet and nice and all that.
But then, Larry Fitzgerald decided that instead of finishing college, he'd get a worthless piece of paper from a for-profit diploma mill Not-University, the "University" of Phoenix. I'm not at all sure that's what your mom had in mind, Larry.
But check out the YouTube comments- the heart-strings have been tugged and the tears are flowing, allegedly. None of these people have watched the documentary Fail State, obviously. I suggest they do. I also suggest that all you idiots claiming that John McCain was a brave, patriotic, caring American icon watch it too- and then you can explain to me why Mr. Maverick wouldn't even listen to testimony concerning the University of Phoenix and other institutions that rip off students and taxpayers but instead stalked out of the committeeroom in a huff after accusing Senator Tom Harkin of being "against profit."
Good luck with that communications "degree," Larry. I hope it at least came with a fancy frame and maybe a set of Ginzu knives. You should get SOMETHING of value out of all that money.