Thursday, March 21, 2019

Another weird CiCi's Ad

1.  Why is the wife/mommy in this ad so determined to stand behind her husband at all times?  Why does she stop with a confused look on her face when he stops, as if uncertain what to do next because Hubby isn't leading the way?  I kind of get why their little son has stopped- maybe he's never been to a Cici's before (he's used to his parents being responsible adults and giving him nutritious food rather than poison to eat) and he's not willing to rush ahead without his parents- but Mom acts as if something terrible is going to happen to her if she doesn't let Hubby go first.  That and that concerned, almost frightened look on her face makes this all more than a little off-putting.....

2.  Why is dad stunned into immobility by the sight of multiple pizzas?  What did he expect to find at Cici's?  Ah, maybe he thinks he's living in real life, and he's never seen a CiCi's like this one before, because....

3.  Why does the television version of Cici's never resemble a real-life version?  On tv, they are always squeaky-clean and gleaming, and the pizzas are lined up perfectly on an equally clean table under immaculately clean sneeze guards as if the customers being highlighted are the first people to walk into the place at the opening bell.  In real life, Cici's are disgusting pig troughs fifteen minutes after the doors have been unlocked.  There's blobs of sauce everywhere, random slices of pizza are scattered all over the table, and it looks exactly what it is- a Golden Corral for people on a Budget who want to stuff as much sugar and empty carbs into their pie holes as possible for $5.99 each.  None of the customers look like they pull down more than $20 K annually.  They ARE mostly young families with kids who don't want the headache of the Chuck E Cheez but just want to store up a lot of calories for not much money. 

4.  What's the appeal of Cici's to anyone with more than $10 in their pockets and just a little bit of taste?  It's an all-you-can-eat junk pizza and cinnamon buns leper colony.  It's not even really that cheap- the price I normally see posted is $5.99, with the fountain soda not included.  All the "food" is engineered to fill you up fast with coma-inducing carbohydrates and sugar (yeah, there's a salad bar, but who the heck is going to Cici's for the salad bar?)  So what are we talking about- two slices of pizza and a cinnamon bun and a cup of soda for $8?  How is that a bargain?

Of course, it's not.  It just LOOKS like one, like every All You Can Eat buffet looks like one.  Just like all $199 per month lease deals look like one.  It's not hard to con stupid people into thinking they are getting a great deal because Check Out The Price Tag.  I live in the United States.  I know.

Racist Geico Ad: This guy does everything but bow

I watched or listened to the first five seconds of this ad about 200 times before watching it all the way through (simply for the purpose of using it at this blog.)  Thank god for the Skip Ad feature, but the first five seconds are painful enough....

1.  What does any of this have to do with car insurance?

2.  Nothing racist at ALL about showing an Asian guy engaging a group of ninjas (or whoever, I don't watch this again) in defense of....something....I don't know.  And of course it's an Asian guy who is just a stupid fat middle-class schlub who has been fantasizing about being a martial arts expert/secret agent when he was supposed to be discussing car insurance.  And I guess all this has to do with "style" which, again, has exactly WHAT to do with car insurance?

Any chance any future car insurance ads will actually explain the coverage offered?  Any chance at all?

Sunday, March 17, 2019

McDonald's Stupid St Patrick's Day Commercial- Another Look Back

Ah, the good old days- when portraying certain nationalities as cartoonish cliche'd caricatures was just fine because Hey I Know People Like This And They Think It's Funny.

Here's a family of....well, I'm going to guess they're Irish, only because it's about ten thousand time even more offensive if they are not..."celebrating" St Patrick's Day by heading off to McDonald's and ordering green milkshakes and wearing stupid green plastic bowlers because That's How You Show You're Irish and that You're Proud of Your Irish Heritage.  Then they do a little dancing because That's How Irish People Are, too.  Later the kids will walk in the parade while grampa gets blasted at O'Dooley's like he does every weekend anyway.  The day ends with the whole family gathered around the tv to watch Notre Dame win the 1977 NCAA title on VHS.

I'm sorry, but this is pretty rank, nasty stuff even if it is just making fun of the whitest people on the planet.  I'm guessing it wouldn't pass the smell test today.  Certainly if it did manage to accidentally make it on to the airwaves, it would be greeted with protests and "grow up you SJW snowflakes I know Irishmen and they all love this ad" counter-protests.  Heck, since everything old is new again, I wonder why McDonald's doesn't just throw this ad on tv for today and today only to see how much attention they can get out of it.

(One thing people might note is that in 1983, these milkshakes didn't even come topped with whipped cream.  It's as if people back then thought that there were enough empty calories in these things without it.  Weirdos.)

Saturday, March 16, 2019

34 years later, I have to comment on this Fancy Feast Ad

I'll use my usual excuse first:  the internet simply wasn't a thing back in 1985.  When this ad first appeared on tv, I was a Sophomore in college and probably too busy working on an essay assignment or studying for anthropology with my girlfriend to take much notice of stupid commercials. But also, being a non-pet owner it's very easy for me to just tune out during ads featuring food for the dirty little mammals some people just insist on populating their homes with. 

Anyway, a few things about this vintage Fancy Feast commercial:  First, there's the butler bringing in a tray holding about a dozen cans of the stuff to show the "customer."  What, is that cat going to pick out which flavor it wants to eat tonight?  I kind of doubt it- so why not just open the can somewhere else and just bring in the food?  Why go through the trouble of stacking all those cans and carrying them on a tray into a room just so you can open one and bring the rest back?  Think this butler guy ever took a moment to reflect on how horrible wrong his life had gone?

Also, what's with the idea of serving the food in a wine glass (is that a wine glass? Or a tiny candy dish?  I really don't know what that container would be used for if not cat food- but are there really cat dishes that look like this?  If so, why?  Are they made of glass?  Plastic?  I bet plastic.  Is it safe to assume that this glass/dish thing is for the exclusive use of the cat, and it's not going to be washed and added to the family china set?)

Why is the very least impressive thing shown in this ad the actual cat food?  It just looks like cat food, at least until it's flaked with the fork.  Then it looks like cat food that's been doctored up to make it look better than it is (didn't work.)  Meanwhile, what's the cat thinking?  My guess is it's thinking "just put the damn food down so I can get at it already." 

I'd say people were weird in 1985- and I'd be right- but it's not like they are any better now.  Check out radio ads for Vitabite dog food.  Those people are INSANE.  It was fun to be nostalgic for a few minutes, though.  So there is that.

Friday, March 15, 2019

Buick: Enough already

Nobody Nobody NOBODY has a fixed idea in their heads of what a "Buick" looks like, sorry Buick!

And Nobody Nobody Nobody says things like "that's my Buick," "where's my Buick?" or "how are we all going to fit into your Buick?"  Because no matter how hard you want us to think of them like BMWs or Audis, they aren't BMWs or Audis.  They are just freaking cars- cars that impress nobody, cars that look like every other car that isn't a BMW or Audi.

Sunday, March 10, 2019

Navy Federal Credit Union lets us know that our vets are as obnoxious as anyone else

I guess this would have been even FUNNIER if this woman's friend hadn't been holding on tightly when she was pushed and ended up suffering a severe injury.  Wouldn't that have been an absolute laugh riot?

Meanwhile, this woman feels "absolutely secure" in using her instant-pay Federal Navy Credit Union app while in the middle of the woods, connected via who knows what crappy, probably very insecure service.  Why anyone would need to use this app is beyond me- I go away from time to time, even into the woods, and manage to get my bills paid without EVER using my phone to do it because, well, I'm capable of planning ahead.  I can use my laptop from home or even write a check and mail it now and then rather than wait till the last minute when I have to interrupt a vacation including tromping through the woods to get on an App and send money I could have sent before I left the freaking house.  What the hell is with you people, anyway?

I'd like to end with a shout-out to a very special YouTube commentator named Vince Cartelli.  Vince Cartelli is very, very upset with all us snowflakes who don't like ads like this.  Actually, I'm not even sure that "upset" is the right word.  It's bigger than that.  Vince sounds like he sees complaints about commercials as a sure sign that the End Times are upon us.  For the sake of your own heart rate, I want you to avoid this blog at all costs, Vince.  But by all means, keep after those Triggered Social Justice Warrior Snowflakes!  You tell 'em, Vince!

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Wells Fargo Dog Ad

"It's fine.... your human isn't listening...."

And nor should she.  If Wells Fargo wants to make an ad in which a dog "talks" to the dog in the viewer's home, the viewer should feel perfectly free to tune out and let that dog deliver whatever message it wants to the viewer's dog.  Hey Wells Fargo, if you can sell my goldfish a line of credit, feel free to do that, too.  But you don't get to insult me with this crap and think you're going to win me (the one with the actual money and language skills and legal ability to seek you out for a mortgage) over with noxious, manipulative nonsense like this.

Meanwhile, to those of you who think steaming piles of dung like the Talking/Thinking Like a Human Trope is still cute (or ever was,) let alone persuasive, let my remind you that the dog featured in this ad has no idea it's being filmed, has no idea that a horrifically annoying human voice is being used to narrate it's non-thoughts, or that it's being used to sell a product it can't come anywhere close to comprehending.  Because it's a f--king DOG.  It thinks "its human" is a bigger, more powerful dog it must respect if it wants to survive.  The "home of its dreams" is a shelter with enough warmth to be comfortable and enough food to allow it to continue to carry out its regular bodily functions.  That's IT.

Thursday, March 7, 2019

Robocop, KFC and the endless revolving door of "Colonels"

1.  The family in this ad is so uninterested in the free chicken and biscuits which has suddenly shown up at their doorway that they have no reaction at all to the Robocop character presenting it.  In fact, when the character repeats the offer, one member of the family actually attempts to "shush" it, I guess so she can focus on the thirty-year old* film on her screen.

2.  It's not until the Robocop character actually threatens the family with punishment unless it "complies" within fifteen seconds that the family lunges for the fried bird parts.  So the message of this commercial seems to be "you'd never voluntarily consume this crap.  You will, however, agree to eat it if faced with violence if you don't."

3.  What is it with KFC and it's never-ending parade of Colonel Sanders impersonator spokeschoads?  Randy Quaid has had the job.  Then Darrell Hammond.  Norm Macdonald had the gig for a while and seemed to be doing ok.  George Hamilton, Ray Liotta...and about five minutes ago, KFC made a bit of a splash by hiring Jason Alexander for the role of fried chicken huckster who died forty years ago.  Is getting hired for this gig just a matter of hanging around Hollywood long enough?

*Which Robocop film is this family watching?  I hope it's not the original, which is way too violent for that kid, and probably not something anyone wants to be watching while eating.  If it's Robocop 3 or the more recent remake it's nothing anyone wants to be watching period.

Monday, March 4, 2019

James Harden, Genius

So I guess James Harden is just fascinated by the workings of the modern microwave oven.  Can't say as I blame him, it's not like microwave ovens didn't become common household appliances years before he was born.

He's so fascinated in fact that instead of putting the chinese food container in, setting the timer (five minutes?  Have you ever used one of these things, James?  That's not a large amount of food) and walking away, he just stands there staring at the window.  I guess his plan was to just stand there staring at it for five minutes. Maybe watching it go 'round and 'round is super-fascinating for some people.  I got over it myself, when I was, oh, five or six.

Harden's decision to just stand there and watch the food go 'round and 'round doesn't pay off however because when he sees the metal handle on the chinese food container spark, he doesn't do what 99.99 percent of adults would do- quickly open the door to prevent a fire or any damage to the oven.  Instead, he just keeps staring at it.  So first we learned that James Harden likes to watch chinese food containers go 'round and 'round through the glass window of microwave ovens.  And now we've learned that James Harden is one of the one in ten thousand adults out there who do not know how to react when the item being heated up lets off a spark.

And then we learn even more about James Harden- when the container bursts into flames, he.....continues to just stand there and watch.  He really, really enjoys looking at that microwave do it's work, it's so mesmerizing.  First it spins food, then it sparks, then it turns into a little fireplace.  And Harden just stands there.

In the end, James Harden lets out a little scream- I guess it's suddenly occurred to him- about two minutes after it would have occurred to everyone else- that something is not quite right here- and his response is not to call the fire department or get out of the house, but to let out a little scream.  Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man" responded about 100 times more intelligently to a smoking countertop stove.  I'm frankly surprised that Harden survived his little adventure with the microwave oven- does a deleted scene show him being carried out of the burning kitchen like a mannequin by the local fire department?

And here's a depressing endnote- how much money did James Harden make in the time it took for that fire to start?  Probably more than you make in a month.  Understanding that you should not put metal in a microwave is an overrated quality.  Being able to quickly respond to the resulting malfunction is also overrated.  Being able to dribble a basketball?  Here's some more cash.

Sunday, March 3, 2019

Pluto TV adds it's contribution to an already-saturated market

"Saturated" is being charitable.  How about "inundated," "done to death," or just plain ENOUGH ALREADY?

I mean, who the heck thinks that what we really need is another option to allow us to watch more television?  Don't we already have Hulu and Netflix and Amazon and YouTube and Plex etc. etc. ETC. feeding our apparently insatiable appetite for brain candy?  Does anyone f--ng read or just take walks or have conversations or just commute with their thoughts anymore?

Ugh, I feel like an old man shaking his fist at the clouds.  But I also feel like I'm justified in doing it.  This is a seriously messed-up world we're living in.

Earth to People:  Watching TV is not the be-all and end-all of existance.  It really isn't.  There's so much more to life than staring at that stupid f--ng screen.  At least, there is for me.  The rest of you?  Well, you're free to make your own choices.  But could you at least stop watching long enough to operate that motor vehicle in a way that doesn't threaten my life on a daily basis?  Please?  Because I kind of LIKE the life I have, most of the time.

Saturday, March 2, 2019

Geico thinks we're nostalgic for this crap

Because a commercial which was totally devoid of humor - not to mention any information at all concerning the product allegedly being sold- was pretty popular among the paint-huffers a decade ago, let's repackage this stale pile of dung as "The Best of Geico" and put it back on the airwaves.  It's not like it's audience has grown one ounce more mature since then.  Heck, Donald Trump wasn't even president when this originally aired after all.

So here's your nostalgia fix for the day.  Remember when those CGI squirrels intentionally caused a horrific, fatal car accident and then celebrated with fist bumps?  Remember how funny that was because we never saw the results for the people in the car but in fact only heard some mild crashing noises (no screaming or sobbing or anything like that, because that's totally not associated with car crashes in real life?)  Remember how we could enjoy watching those hilarious squirrels celebrating their success at causing multiple injuries because those injuries were off-screen and therefore non-existant?

Remember also how we turned our brains off and never considered for one moment why a non-suicidal squirrel would want to do this in the first place?  Remember how we never wondered how many of these stupid squirrels failed to consider how many of those drivers were on their cell phones and ended up being smushed like- well, like squirrels- as those drivers went on their merry ways after briefly wondering what that little "thump" noise under their wheels was all about?

Ever wonder why companies like Geico have so little respect for their audience?  Well, I've got an answer to that.  Check out the comment section, if you dare.

Friday, March 1, 2019

Probably still cheaper than Scientology

Meet the cult leaders who want you to buy into the idea that you are just a "free" ($2000) seminar away from unlocking the secrets to house-flipping (just another $30K investment required) so you can become successful just like these adorable people.  Think they might be trying to scam you?  Come on, look how sweet they are, and check out that adorable dog!  Nobody who talks about their dog the way this wonderful couple does could be anything but 100 percent honest, right?

So tune into the next chapter of "Meet the Yancey's," get to know these amazing people who Just Want to Show You How to Be The Best You Can Be Just Like Them, and maybe you'll learn how to get rich while sitting on the couch.  Well no, not really- Scott Yancey and his Wife From Central Casting don't teach their "students" how to create youtube videos designed to draw suckers into "free" seminars which look and sound like revival meetings.  They teach you how to empty your wallet into their bank account to learn how to (yawn, seriously, still?) flip houses.  In other words, the packaging is shiny and new but there's nothing original about the product; cripes, hucksters were pitching this garbage before the internet was a thing.  I bet you can still find this basic pitch on VHS tapes somewhere, sold to some loser forty years ago in a commercial which showed up during Late Night Monster Theater on Channel 56.  It was probably more convincing than the version these wax figurines present here.

Oh and by the way, Yanceys?  Unless the title meant "Meet the Yancey's Dog," there's no reason for the apostrophe before the "s" in Yanceys.  Maybe your marketing guru should invest in Grammarly?

Oh, and one more thing: check out this hilarious "unbiased review" of the Yancey pitch.  Gag.

Thursday, February 28, 2019

Allstate's Mayhem Commercials are black holes of comedy, which explains why Americans love them so much

See, it's funny 'cause the black guy keeps yelling "what?"  That makes it funny.  And it gets more funny every time he yells "what?"

Plus it's got that guy who has done this mayhem thing like a thousand times in a thousand different commercials.  That never gets old, 'cause I've got the brain of a chick pea and I like stuff that's familiar and not too hard to think about.

I hope they keep making these mayhem commercials 'cause I like them they make me laugh and that's what I look for in commercials.  I love it when the mayhem guy gets hurt too, plus when that other guy keeps yelling "what?"  And best of all I like telling people on YouTube how much I like these commercials.  I was gonna just reply "what?" but like a dozen people already did that LOL.  I'm gonna do it anyway though 'cause "what?"

Tuesday, February 26, 2019 will get you to hell for less

At, we can't promise that your kids won't be bored out of their minds twenty minutes into that vacation to the middle of nowhere to pan for pretty dirt in a creek unless that big not-cabin you rented has excellent WiFi, but we can guarantee the best possible rate for that vacation your wife and kids will be complaining about for years to come and which ended any chance that your vacation suggestions would ever be taken seriously again by your family.

I may be being a bit generous with the "twenty minutes" estimate.  That looks like a pretty nice cabin.  I think it's more likely that inside of fifteen minutes the children in this ad are long past any interest in dipping a screen into a creek and are sitting in that cabin checking out the satellite package and texting nasty comments about Stupid Dad and his Stupid Idea of Fun to their friends who are at a cool beach or amusement park someplace.  Maybe the cabin has a hot tub?  Something?  Anything that doesn't lead everyone to angrily demand an explanation for why the family's two freaking weeks of vacation per year is being spent a few miles down the road from Jackson Hole Bible College and a thousand miles from Planet Interesting?

Sunday, February 24, 2019

Three points concerning this Danny DeVito Quickbooks Commercial

1.  It's perfectly normal to Josie Gonzalez (who is really cute, btw) to be handed financial advice from Danny DeVito because....well, because this is television, I guess.

2.  It's perfectly fine to portray a dog groomer living in a freaking palace in the suburbs.  Because dog groomers running their own small, one-employee businesses regularly make $250K annually.  Uh-huh.

3.  Josie Gonzalez doesn't have a single line in this entire ad.  Why not?  I strongly suspect that it's because Danny DeVito, for all his concern for the success of this small business, had zero interest in sharing lines with a non-actor.  So Josie Gonzalez is oddly mute during her scenes, which comes off as more than a little awkward and weird.

Saturday, February 23, 2019

Does P3 stand for Three Times the Pollution?

So instead of spending thirty seconds chopping up a cup of cold turkey and cheese and adding a handful of nuts, this woman is going to buy the same thing in "convenient" packaging which will be sitting in a landfill leaching toxins for the next ten thousand years.  And she'll feel superior doing it.

Only the country which created Lunchables and put Sunny Delight in 4-ounce plastic bottles and taught us all how to drink coffee brewed in individual plastic cups could pull this off AND sell it as a virtue.

Friday, February 22, 2019

Nobody has to pay me to avoid eating Dominos Pizza, but thanks anyway

Oh look, it's another one of those commercials which feature a very straightforward offer that must be questioned by half a dozen people who are too rock-brained to get it the first five times.  Aren't those always so hilarious?

I almost want the Dominos Pizza Spokeschoad to respond to "what about anchovies?" with "well, no, that's the exception to our Any Pizza offer.  No anchovies.  Glad you asked.  We forgot about that one."  I also wish he had responded to the dog with the chew toy with either "no, the offer is for humans only" or "I'd stick with that rubber pizza, I can almost guarantee it tastes better than anything Dominos makes."

In the end, it's all about bribing us to put down that GOOD pizza we've been eating and buy a BAD pizza from Dominos on the theory that Cheap is Better than Good.

And I'm not going to even point out that the only black woman in the entire commercial has no other lines other than "WHAAAAAAAA???"  Haha, sassy black women are so funny, aren't they?  Another winner, Dominos!  I guess after Papa John, you pretty much have carte blanche to do anything now, don't you?

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Chrysler Pacifica: As shallow as it gets, I hope

Finally having some Quality Time with her thoughts, weird twitchy airhead proceeds to waste that time thinking vacant non-thoughts no human being with two brain cells to rub together thinks.  And, as implied previously, must summon a significant amount of facial muscle energy to accomplish even that.

(I mean, seriously- I can almost hear the director yelling "show me Confusion!  Show me Contemplation!  Now give me a quizzical look!"  No Oscar nominations in this woman's future, that's for sure.*)

This woman is recognized* by a trophy wife driving the same vehicle who assumes that the first woman- when she isn't struggling to contort her face to let us know she's "thinking" things- is green and all that, whatever.  And the punchline is that the first woman is just taking the opportunity to jam a giant sandwich into her mouth at the light.  This is funny Because Reasons.

Not too much more to say about this ad, except to note that it's the first car commercial I've seen in ages which actually mentions certain attributes of the automobile beyond it's WiFi capablities.  We don't even see anyone yakking on their phones in this ad, which is at least one small step forward.  It's still a gigantic Salute to Stupid, but at least it doesn't promote behavior that puts me in danger every time I cross the street.  I do wish that it didn't suggest that driving a two-ton piece of metal that keeps the DRIVER safe is a good time to list the most banal thoughts that have ever popped into the head of any biped ever, but I know that suggesting it's time better spent paying attention to one's surroundings is a bridge too far for most people, so I'll take what I can get.

*I see that this is another You're Supposed To Know Who This Is commercial featuring a Well-Known To People Addicted to Some Mind-Numbingly Dumb Show actress.  Proud to say that I don't know who she is, nor do I care.

Sunday, February 17, 2019

Disgusting Scraping the Barrel Febreze Commercial reminds us that we are held in infinite contempt by advertisers

You can't smell Dave's farts.  That's it.  They don't smell, for some reason.  They never did.  And everyone noticed that they don't smell and everyone celebrates that fact, from Dave's parents to the would-be trophy wife who wasn't good enough for the guy whose farts didn't stink.  Even the janitor mopping the locker room has fond memories for Dave, and I don't even want to think about why he's remembering Dave's odorless fecal release as he's mopping the locker room floor. 

Sigh.  Yeah, we get it.  We got it ten seconds in, yet you gave us another minute and a half of this nonsense.

Because, you see, the people who are coming to your Party to Watch the Patriots Win Again aren't Dave.  They are going to stink up your bathroom.  So you'd better get Febreze.

Meanwhile, Dave doesn't even know what Febreze is- and since he can't read and continues to live with his mother well into his twenties, he asks her what it is.  His mother would know, being a girl and all.  WTF-ever, Febreze.  I can't help thinking that this commercial was made exclusively for the glue-sniffers at YouTube to LOL THIS IS HILARIOUS I LOVE THIS BTW WHAT IS THAT SONG crowd, but even they didn't jump at bait THIS obnoxiously obvious.  That's something, anyway.

Saturday, February 16, 2019

Point of Personal Privilege: "Creed II" is a really, really bad movie (Spoilers!)

Michael B. Jordan in Creed II (2018)

I finally got around to watching this film the other day.  I didn't have much by way of expectations; after all, I saw the first one and thought it was a predictably blah flick.  But at least it didn't make me angry.  This one made me angry.  More about that later.

First, let's talk about Michael B Jordan.  Is this guy a sought-after actor nowadays, and if so, may I ask why?  He has all the emotional range of Derek Zoolander.  He's like a male Alicia Vikander.  He's got exactly one look- sullen, surly, angry, morose, whatever you want to call it, there it is, on his face, at all times.  He's not at all interesting- in fact, I'd call his "characterizations" (to be charitable) downrght boring.  The only time in this film he shows any recognizable human traits is when he's writhing away on the canvas, crying and holding his crushed ribs.  More about THAT later, too.

Second, the story.  I'm pretty sure the character of Creed was a light-heavyweight in the first film.  I guess that wasn't sexy or audience-friendly enough, so he's suddenly a heavyweight in the sequel, whatever.  I guess if we can look past the fact that he's supposed to be the son of someone who died in 1985 yet I'm pretty sure is supposed to be in his mid-twenties, we can overlook the sudden weight jump, too.

My real problem is the mixed message/dropped plot point of the second fight.  The first time Creed fights Viktor Drago, he gets so badly beaten up that he suffers broken ribs and a ruptured kidney.  Drago gets disqualified, which ticked me off at first but then when the reporters are shouting questions at surly (what else?) Creed at the hospital, I thought Creed might say "hey, he kicked my butt, I was going to lose anyway, give him the belt."  That might have been cool.  But nah.

But here's the kicker:  Rocky doesn't want Creed to fight again- Creed's wife is pregnant, he was almost killed in the first fight, nothing more to prove, etc. etc. and most importantly, Rocky is still wracked with guilt for not throwing in the towel when Apollo was being annihilated by Ivan Drago way back in 1985.  He tells Adonis straight on that darn it, he should have thrown that towel, he'll never forgive himself for not throwing that towel, if he had thrown in the towel Apollo might have been upset but he would have been spared to build a relationship with his child,  and would have eventually realized how stupid risking his life for one more moment in the sun truly was.

But in the rematch, Adonis gets beaten up again and is dropped to the canvas by brutal body punches.  He's literally crying with pain as he's lying on the canvas, clutching his re-crushed rib cage- and Rocky doesn't throw in the towel.  Instead, he begs Adonis to get back up (so does Adonis' wife, which is beyond bizarre.)  So Viktor can finish him off, I guess.  I mean, the referee clearly isn't going to rescue Creed- he's not going to stop the fight until Creed vomits up his other kidney from the looks of things.  But I thought Rocky was remorseful because he could have saved Creed's father but froze instead and didn't throw that towel.  So, what the hell?

(Before the final round, Rocky asks Adonis- who is clearly in a great deal of pain, with one eye closed, if he wants to throw in the towel.  Adonis can't even answer- and Rocky mutters approvingly "I didn't think so."  Again- what the hell?  Did the writers just want to make it clear that Rocky learned absolutely nothing from that 1985 fight and that all his "shoulda thrown the towel" nonsense was just that, nonsense?)

And then Creed, with his caved-in lungs, gets up and stops Viktor with a series of head shots which come out of nowhere.  Time is running out in the final round but Viktor's dad demonstrates that he's the only person around with even a shred of humanity and throws in the towel himself, rescuing his son, though it  was pretty obvious that had he not done so Viktor would have won, as the ref was being totally fair in his handling of the bout- the fight would continue until Creed expelled that kidney or Viktor's head was deposited into the third row.

I don't usually play script doctor, but here's how this film could have ended in a much more realistic and perfectly satisfying way:  Creed is the challenger, having opted to hand Viktor the belt despite the disqualification.  In the rematch Creed does much better despite being badly hurt again, and may even be gaining the upper hand late in the fight, but it's also clear that he's suffering from internal bleeding and could die if the contest continues.  Creed knocks down Viktor and has him in serious trouble but its clear that he can't finish him off without an effort that could cost him his life- so as he's on the attack, Rocky throws in the towel.  Creed is upset and angry until he sees his wife climbing into the ring and realizes that the almost became his father in the worst way, being willing to sacrifice years with his child for one great moment of glory.  He closes the circle by shrugging off the fight and embracing his wife, leaving Viktor with a belt which now means nothing to him.

Ok, now that that's fixed, I can get back to snarking on commercials.  And Michael B. Jordan can get back to those acting lessons.  And Sylvester Stallone can stop making these films already.

The ONLY funny thing about the State Farm "Fender Bender" Superbowl Commercial....

....comes at the very beginning, when the driver tells his agent "I've got a pretty big fender bender here" and the agent, without knowing one single thing about the accident, who is at fault, or the amount of damage accrued spread among the number of people involved, says "don't worry, you're covered."

Uh-huh.  That's what happens when your car is damaged and you call your State Farm Rep.  She'll instantly tell you not to worry, you're covered, we'll get the details later.  Suuuuurrre, that's the way it works.

The helium voices?  Well, as I post in the YouTube comments, they are very funny- if you're under eleven years old.  Otherwise....meh, not so much.  But I know who the audience is for commercials like this, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Oh, gag: Turbotax has created a Cinematic Universe?

Hey looky, it's that woman from the other Turbotax commercial who "escapes" the horror of a casual conversation to go over her tax return "line by line" on the phone while sitting in a coffee shop!

But wait....wasn't she just a costumer of Turbotax in that ad?  I mean, she's just using a deluxe version of the service which includes a callback and personal line-by-line examination of her filing.  In THIS ad, she seems to be intimately connected to Turbotax.  So she's an employee of the service now?  Then why didn't she do her own taxes?

And the whole little child robot thing....meh, whatever.  I'd argue that a robot which has achieved self-awareness and dreams of becoming a Turbotax accountant has not actually achieved any level of self-awareness worth posessing.  It would be like if Pinnochio came to life and announced that his great ambition was to fold boxes at Dominoes or work at a Discover Card call center.  I'd excuse Geppetto for converting him into a tv tray.  You know, something valuable.

Coming next:  This robot kid and Nasty Antisocial Woman fend off lawsuits from Sprint for stealing their Robot Wanting To Use Its Programming to Whore for a Massive Corporation schtick.

Sunday, February 10, 2019

Teleflora's disturbing "Love Out Loud" commercial

The main character in this ad spends his entire life vainly attempting to buy love with flowers.  Over and over again, he goes to flowers as a way of getting girls- and then women- to acknowledge his existence.  At first, he's dissapointed to discover that while the objects of his affection like the flowers and are willing to accept them, they aren't instantly enamoured of him personally.  His world is bright for one moment as the girl smiles and appreciates the gift of flowers, and then turns away without offering him any kind of reward beyond the thank-you. 

As the boy was clearly after more than a thank-you, this leaves him confused.

As he gets older, he continues in his quest to purchase a relationship with a fistful of pretty plant life.  At some point, he finally manages to get a woman to go out with him and even move in with him, but as she learns who he is beyond his ability to buy flowers she begins to (gasp!) quarrel with him.  Yes, this incredibly ungrateful woman actually ARGUES with the Very Nice Guy who used to be a Very Nice Boy, clearly she isn't good enough for him and she walks out, leaving our Hero Alone Again, Naturally.*

Now our Very Nice Guy has turned into an Old Very Nice Guy, and the world is very dark and cold and filled with Evil Women who simply cannot appreciate him no matter how many times he's shelled out for flowers.  He's done with all that; he's not buying any more of these Users flowers because they never get him what he really wants.  But oh wait- here's an equally dissapointed and Twice as Desperate old woman willing to give HIM a flower because SHE'S been let down by people with personalities and their own ideas of what they want in a life partner.  True love at last.

Our story closes with the main character married at last to the right person- someone who, like him, believes that affection can and should be purchased with trinkets (flowers today, rings tomorrow) and that there's Hope Yet for all the Nice People in the world who know they are Nice People because Look What I Did For You Now You Owe Me Dammit. 

The only thing more creepy, sad and disturbing about this ridiculously smarmy, ugly, manipulative little nub of an ad?  The YouTube commenters weeping with appreciation over it.  Ugh, people.  Please.

*yes, that's an intentional Gilbert O'Sullivan reference.

Saturday, February 9, 2019

The Only Thing Worse than another Consumer Cellular Commercial.... one that attempts to use a rhyming scheme.  I mean, all of these ads are just horrible- most of them feature idiot old people smiling and nodding at their phones in a lame attempt to demonstrate emotion for the camera- but this one might be the very worst, as it's nothing more than a celebration of all the ways you can waste the one and only life you'll ever have f--king around with your stupid phone.

All I really want is for everyone in this commercial to die in a horrible fire, and for Consumer Cellular commercials to stop popping up every time I listen to anything on YouTube.  That doesn't seem to be asking for so very much, but I rarely get what I want.  Maybe that will change when I become a Senior Citizen and join the ranks of the disgusting old twats who pollute the airwaves through these ads, as they seem to get everything THEY want.  Until then, I'll just sit here and wish that the Sharing The Latest Viral Cat Insane Woman would just put her stupid phone down and do something, anything, other than "share" banal bullcrap with whatever years of her worthless, meaningless life she has left.

Friday, February 8, 2019

In two years, Paul from Sprint will be yipping like a puppy for T-Mobile

"Hi I'm Paul, and I had a sweet gig with Verizon for a few years that I thought might lead to an acting career. Then my shelf life expired, Verizon dumped me overboard, and I found myself on the edge of homelessness because I couldn't find an ounce of acting ability with an x-ray machine and a mag-lite. So I decided to do the only thing I had any talent for- whoring myself out to a crappy cell service company and going back to making America hate my stupid fat face and dumbass grin." "And hey, check it out- I get to share time with an attention-sucking CGI robot thing, because Sprint is smart enough to know you sure as hell aren't about to switch phone services on MY word. After all, I've proven that I'll be a brown-noser for any company willing to put money in my pocket. Aren't I trustworthy?"

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Good2Go Auto Insurance presents: So Much Winning!

"I'm walking down the street with my two kids and bags of groceries- this is really hard, making my life very difficult.  I've got a car, but I can't afford insurance.  I had a choice- feed them, or buy insurance.  They won."

Um, only in the most limited sense, lady.*  First of all, unless you wanted an eventual visit from Child Protective Services, you really don't get to choose between feeding your kids and driving your car, sorry.  If you thought I was going to give you plaudits for "choosing" your kids over your f--ng car, well, sorry, that's not going to happen.

If you wanted praise from me, you should have dumped that worthless car of yours and invested in a few transit passes.  Stop pretending you can afford a car and get real.  And get used to that mass transit option.

As for your kids....this is what your mom calls "winning," guys.  Juggling car insurance and food.  There's this thing called the genetic lottery, and you didn't win it.  The heartbreaking thing here is that your mom isn't all that interested in getting her finances in order if she's just waiting for someone to hand her cut-rate, Just Barely Legal "insurance" that won't do one damn thing for you if you're hurt in an accident which is her fault (think that's a risk worth taking?  Your mom does.  Which is probably why she can't afford insurance in the first place.)

Yep, they "won."  Kind of hard to tell when they are walking home from the grocery store with mom and then sitting in that studio apartment surrounded by Rent A Center appliances, but trust me, they "won."  Mommy says so.

*and once again, it's a single black person with kids who can't afford insurance.  So very progressive of you, Good2Go.

Sunday, February 3, 2019

Check out this racist Good2Go Insurance Commercial....

I've watched a lot of these commercials, trying to pick and choose the best (worst) of them to snark at here.  And I've noticed a pattern I'd like to share with you.

Again and again, whenever the Good2Go customer is black person, that black person is either a divorced guy taking the bus to see his daughter and her mother or a single woman struggling to make ends meet with little children, no father in sight.  But whenever the Good2Go customer is a white man or white woman, they are simply seen as single people who talk about how difficult it is to get to their jobs without car insurance.  I'm serious- I've watched a dozen or more of these ads, and it's ALWAYS the same- black person with dependent kids, or single white person just trying to get to work.

WTF, Good2Go?

Oh, and about this particular ad- as usual, the woman here is doing everything backwards.  She paid good money for a car that I guess is just sitting in the driveway or on the street because she can't afford to drive it. She can't afford to drive it because car insurance costs too much.  Assuming she didn't buy a BMW or Audi, why can't she afford insurance?  Terrible driving record? Terrible credit? Must be something like that.  But in any case, why don't you just SELL that car you aren't using and invest that money in public transportation for which you'll never have to pay for maintenence, fuel, accidents or insurance?  I mean, it's obvious that you live in a substantial urban area- why don't you use that money you could get from selling the car you can't drive without buying barely-legal, no actual coverage car insurance to take an Uber or public bus to the freaking doctor?

Probably because all of these Good2Go commercials feature boneheaded idiots who dropped thousands of dollars on IndividualMobiles without considering where they were going to get the money for the insurance.  Even the ones featuring white people.  But getting back to my first point- come on, Good2Go.  Give me at least ONE commercial featuring a white single mom or a dad trying to catch the bus to visit his kid at mom's new place.  Just ONE. 

Saturday, February 2, 2019

Consumer Cellular: Because being obnoxious with cell phones isn't just for you loser millenials anymore!

Watching these obnoxious Consumer Cellular ads with their ridiculous grinning self-satisfied Retired and Lovin' It Baby Boomers yapping endlessly about how much they adore Usin' the cell phones Just Like Their Grandchildren seriously makes me want to punch somebody.

Hey, Stupid Old People who had everything handed to them on a silver platter because they were born at the right time:  It's bad enough that the entire economy has catered to you for my entire life and that means that most of the commercials I see today is for drugs designed to treat Old People Diseases.  The very last thing any of us need to see now is you ridiculous idiots pretending to be thrilled to death over technology everyone under the age of fifty got used to over twenty years ago.

And it's even worse that there's one commercial after another for this stupid service featuring people who are in that golden age between Just Retired and Completely Helpless wasting what little productive time they have left hanging out with fellow Stupid Old People playing with their Amazing Phones.  Why aren't you using those ridiculous pension plans and swollen bank accounts to travel or something, you stupid ugly old knobs?

At least get the hell off my television.  I'm done with you people.  Seriously, we get it:  You've got it all.  You've always had it all.  Now you're old, rich and healthy and you can't even let your kids have the addiction to cellphones to themselves. 

Thursday, January 31, 2019

Mac masters the art of Pretention

Is it ok if I want every single one of these self-important twats with their expensive computers to just go die in a fire for subjecting me to this garbage?  I mean, could any of them lift their eyes from their Macs to let me know what it is about Macs that allows them to do something they couldn't do with a Dell?

*Well, ok, not every single one of them.  Kermit the frog is still cool, and Jim Hensen is dead so I can't even blame him for selling out.  And Malala is ok.  And that little girl in the end- she might not even know she's in an ad.  But you know what I mean.

Sunday, January 27, 2019

Kind of messed up, Good2Go

The guy in this ad is waiting for someone to pick him up and give him a ride to work- he's got a job, see, and he's got a truck, but he can't afford INSURANCE, so if you stick a newspaper under it that truck becomes the world's biggest paperweight.  I'm not sure if it would become the world's most expensive paperweight, 'cause I haven't checked lately.

Talk about doing everything backwards.  This guy has a job.  He's got transportation.  So why can't he buy insurance?  I strongly suspect it's because he's got years of accidents on his record and no reputable company will have anything to do with him without requiring a month-to-month policy and prohibitively high payments- so why did he buy that nice new truck?

But here comes Good2Go, which proudly declares it's willingness to sell you a policy that provides the absolute bare minimum coverage under the law, so you and your crappy driving record can get back on the road and endanger more people.  I'll be keeping my eye out for you.

Still looking for the absolute worst Good2Go commercial, which features a mom feeding her kids tuna casserole every night because she's saving up to buy car insurance (man, did those kids loose out in the ol' genetic lottery.)  Once she signs up with cut-rate Good2Go, she's got enough to serve them steak.  Warms the heart, it does.  As soon as someone posts it to YouTube it will be at this blog, I can promise you that.

Saturday, January 26, 2019

Aspiration Presents: Virtue Signalling with a freaking Bullhorn

Seriously, there is so much ridiculous piled into this short ad, I hardly know where to start.

All that happens in this ad is that a woman notes while jogging that someone is selling flowers "cash only," gets some cash, and buys some flowers.  That's it.  Somehow this is presented as doing something amazing for the human race- no, never mind the human race, the PLANET.  Oh, she does interrupt her jogging to toss something into the recycle bin, which I guess qualifies her for Sainthood, but really...

After noting that she needs cash if she wants to buy flowers, this woman buys a cup of coffee using a debit card which is just sitting in a big floppy pocket of her jogging suit, waiting to leap to freedom first chance it gets.  That's a pretty stupid way to carry around a debit card, lady.  Oh, but then she walks over to the ATM in the coffee shop and withdraws twenty bucks- what the hell is with you, stupid woman?  You couldn't just get cash back from the coffee purchase?  You know what, if you had gone to the nearest 7-11 instead of this pretentious coffee shop you could have got that $20 WITHOUT wasting time at an ATM machine.

(Oh, and "FDIC Insured?"  Isn't that kind of required for a bank to operate within the borders of the United States these days?)

Then she goes back outside and buys a bouquet of flowers from the flower lady.  She hands the flower lady TWENTY DOLLARS for a small bouquet and walks away with the bouquet AND NO CHANGE.  So this ridiculous jogging woman just went for a run with her debit card, saved the planet by tossing something into a recycle bin, bought a coffee, used an ATM, and handed twenty bucks to cart salesperson for what looks to be maybe $5 worth of flowers?

What is this woman Aspiring too?  Bankruptcy?  I mean, come on.  What the hell is the matter with you, stupid jogging woman?  And what's with that permanent look of Enlightened Liberalism you've got stitched into your face?  What Amazingly Progressive thing did you do that I obviously missed?  'Cause I don't see giving a flower woman a $15 tip as advancing any cause unless it's the depletion of your bank account.

(Why did this woman buy coffee in the first place?  Who interrupts jogging to buy coffee?  Is she just going to walk back home now with her coffee and flowers?  I bet the cashier at the coffee place wished she had used the ATM first and paid cash for that coffee, considering what an awesome tipper she is.  Instead, she didn't tip THAT guy AT ALL because she used plastic and THEN got cash.  What the serious heck is going on here???)

And while we're at it, what is wrong with the person who asks about the background music in the comments?  Are you freaking insane, or what?

Friday, January 25, 2019

A moment later the boss sees what this kid is doing with his on-the-clock time and fires his sorry butt

Because as we all know, people who own businesses and yachts typically get their taxes done by an annonymous numbers monkey at TurboTax.  What, was the line behind the guy in the Statue of Liberty costume down at LibertyTax too long?

Seriously, how sad do you have to be to go to such great lengths to impress the TurboTax person?  And isn't your sad little facade going to collapse the moment she looks at your 1040 form and realize that if you are being at all honest, you are the worst-paid CEO in the United States, along with being the poorest yacht owner?

Thursday, January 24, 2019

Echo Dot Presents: A girl who never got the real message from dad

And I thought having to listen to my father's favorite Nitty Gritty Dirt Band album over and over was bad....

This girl grew up listening to Dad's favorite song, which I guess she never noticed was about how men are doomed to be treated like playthings by evil, manipulative women.  Since she never paid the slightest attention to the lyrics, she sat with her father and listened to him play it again and again, failing as she grew to understand dad's pathetic obsession with someone or another who hurt him once and who convinced him to bury his soul into a song.  She realized the song meant a lot to him so she learned to play it on the guitar, and whenever she thought about her dad she thought about that song and maybe dad's inability to just let go and move on with his life already.

When she finally went to college, she packed everything she owned into a gigantic Amazon box and went off to a dorm room where she realized she'd be surrounded by exactly the kind of horrible females who destroyed her father (the kind with eyes and hair.)  She felt frightened to be in such a nest of Jezebels and decided to take comfort- or don armor- by asking her Echo Dot to "play dad's playlist" which, again, consists of exactly one song with a pretty creepy message.

I hope she has a roomate who, after listening to this song eight or nine times over the first weekend in the dorm, asks her what the hell is going on with the fixation on that stupid song.  And when Daddy's little girl explains that it's always been Daddy's favorite song, they can have a chat which is enlightening on both sides.  And when Daddy's little girl goes home for break, she and Daddy can have their own little chat about how Daddy got hurt and why Daddy never let his pain go, never grew the hell up and moved on, and insisted on passing his hurt on to his daughter.  And how none of this is charming or sweet or anything like healthy.

Monday, January 21, 2019

TurboTax hates people

I could go along with the YouTube commenters who want to focus on how rude the woman in this ad is.  And I could do an entire post based solely on that aspect of the ad- she bumps into a guy she knows at a coffee shop who tells her that he invented this App and it's doing great.  He starts to give her some details about the App, and two seconds later she decides that his idea is not only really stupid, but it's not worth one more moment of her time, and she's relieved to be "rescued" by the tax person who randomly called her to ask if this is a good time to go over her tax return "line by line."

She behaves as if she's just been given a reprieve by the governor because she can't simply be A)  nice to the guy and let him talk for a minute or so before wishing him well and moving on, or B) brutally honest and tell him she's so uninterested that she'd rather talk to some tax choad on her phone than listen to one more word out of his stupid face.

I could do that, but that would be following the YouTube commenter script, which if you check it out gets really, really ugly- I mean, these guys really, really don't like women at all.  They've got issues.  I'm not going to quote them, but there it is.  I'm not following their lead.

Instead, I'll just point out that sitting in a coffee shop using it's easily-hackable public WiFi is probably NOT the perfect place to "go over your taxes, line by line."  No matter how desperately you want to end a conversation you've decided you just can't bear to continue for some reason.  But I'm sure that when this woman DOES go through her taxes "line by line," she'll continue to do it without using earbuds or anything like that, because there's nothing private about tax forms after all and I'm sure everybody in that shop is as super-interested in hearing it as she is in avoiding what probably would have been a 2-minute conversation that made a fellow human being feel a little better about his accomplishments.

Sunday, January 20, 2019

Two points about this iPhone x "Color Flood" ad

1.  It's an iPhone commercial.  In other words, Much Ado About Nothing and just another sad attempt to get people who already own a perfectly good iPhone to shell out a thousand dollars to "upgrade" it Because Hey It's Just Money Burning a Hole in my Pocket.  I mean, I guess you could convince yourself that you really "need".....ummm.....better color than your current phone offers.  I guess you could.  You probably can, if you've already purched thousand-dollar phones in the past.  So you probably don't need this commercial at all.  What a waste of effort.  Which brings us to....

2.  What a waste of effort.  In the days before CGI, this commercial might justifiably be lauded as a masterstroke of direction and gain plaudits for it's brilliant choreography.  Now we know some jackass with a computer just vomited this out after a few hours of rendering with a software program, and it probably includes no more than a dozen actual human beings jumping around with the rest being digital creations.  Which makes it all just another boring iPhone ad trying to convince us that a thousand dollars is NOT too much to spend for a phone because Hey Check out the Color.

But hey, who am I kidding.  Half of you are probably off to the Apple store like an army of drooling lemmings with credit card in hand to buy the Perfect Phone for the First Quarter of 2019.  Morons.

Saturday, January 19, 2019


So if you are so burned out on life that you can't be bothered to notice that your grandchild has opened up a box of something and is spilling it all over the place, the smart thing to do is book a flight to a vineyard where you can get drunk and ignore the fact that your grandchild is running through a vineyard all over the place?

Seems to me that the grandmother in this ad (that's not the kids mother, is it?  She looks at least sixty years older than the kid, right?) doesn't need a break as much as the people working in the grocery store, who have to clean up after little kids who aren't being tended to by idiot old people who bring their grandchildren to stores and let those grandchildren treat the produce like toys.  Just sayin'.

Friday, January 18, 2019

But those people at Liberty Tax never told me nothing about this

I'm a little concerned about an adult with at least one dependent child who is not aware that child care costs are deductable.  Not for this guy's wallet, but for that child.  Because I don't have any kids, but because I've filled out tax forms before I'm aware that you can claim child care costs and get a deduction for them.

Somehow, this stupid slob managed to get someone to have sex with him, produce a kid, incur child care expenses, and yet through all that never learn that those expenses are deductable.  I don't know how this happened unless he's either a pampered brat who until this year always had this stuff done for him (maybe he's recently divorced from a woman who did the taxes for the family before she got sick of being married to a clueless child) or he's just really, really stupid and it never occurred to him that JUST MAYBE he should ask if he could deduct child care expenses before just shrugging and sending the feds more money than they were entitled to.

Oh, wait- there's another possibility.  Maybe he spent years moving from state to state to avoid paying child support before finally being tracked down by the authorities and being forced into accepting his financial responsibilities.  Now that he's being compelled to act like an adult, he needs to learn the rules, including the rules involving the deduction of child care costs.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Who really needs to "be prepared," TruStage?

If I were to suddenly die, all my problems would be instantly solved.  What calls do I have to make, what papers do I have to sign, before I die?  Oh, none?  Then what do I have to worry about?

I'm not the one who is supposed to "be prepared."  This commercial isn't about the person who has suddenly kicked off at all.  It's about all those deadbeats and freeloaders who have been living off the body of the recently deseased and who now realize that the awesome ride is over and it's time to be Independent.  Finally.

So anyone who depends on me for money, a place to live, internet connectivity, regular cellphone updates, vacations, rides to soccer practice G-D DAMN IT IT NEVER ENDS DOES IT ITS ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME needs to prepare for that moment WHICH WILL COME SOMEDAY I PROMISE YOU when I am no longer around TO BE BLED TO DEATH BY YOUR ENDLESS DEMANDS.  All of YOU have to prepare for the day you can no longer be leeches sucking the very LIFE out that PERSON YOU KNOW WHO WORKS FOR A LIVING AND PROVIDES ALL THIS FOR YOU.  That means getting a job and saving your money and preparing for the day when YOU GET TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.

In short, this commercial has nothing to do with me at all.  It's not a warning for me.  It's a warning for you.  Because whatever problems pop up because I died and didn't leave you enough money to continue your dream life without labor, they are going to be your problems, not mine.  I'll be enjoying the sweet, sweet embrace of warm, lovely death.  Away from you, you grasping, life-sucking money vampires. 

Love ya bunches!

Monday, January 14, 2019

Oh Oh Oh it's ear-bleeding crap from Once Weekly Ozempic

The only thing more cringe-worthy than this monstrously stupid ad is the series of comments that follow it on YouTube.  Seriously, they basically come down to this:

Several people simply quote the lyrics.  And others give those people thumbs-up for their "comments." 

One person says that the song "sounds a lot like 'it's magic' by Selena Gomez."  I wish I was kidding.  I'm not. 

Almost nobody actually points out that this comercial is mind-numbingly stupid and makes you want to fly to Los Angeles, track down the producers, and punch them in the face as hard as humanly possible.  And then track down all the stupid people who agreed to be in this ad and punch them even harder.  And then track down the surviving members of Pilot, hold a gun to their heads, and make them swear that they simply lost the copyright to their only hit and had no say in it's use in this horrible lump of a dangerous medication commercial.*

*I've seen this nasty stain on the soul of television at least a dozen times, and I still can't remember what Disease Not As Bad As The Symptoms Ozempic is supposed to treat.  The screen tells me that Ozempic is a Semaglutide Injection, which sounds something I'd rather avoid in any case.

Sunday, January 13, 2019

This Amazon Customer Review was rejected. Somebody please explain why.

Thank you for submitting a customer review.

Thank you for submitting a customer review on Amazon. After carefully reviewing your submission, your review could not be posted to the website. While we appreciate your time and comments, reviews must adhere to the following guidelines:
Men's Belt,Bulliant Leather Reversible Belt for Men With Single Prong Buckle in Gift Box, Trim to Fit★★★★★   from John F. Jamele on January 11, 2019
Beautiful and came very fast
I was surprised when this showed up two days after I ordered it; very impressive service. The belt itself is very attractive and sized exactly as ordered. Definitely recommend.
A few common issues to keep in mind:

  • Your review should focus on specific features of the product and your experience with it. Feedback on the seller or your shipment experience should be provided at
  • We do not allow profane or obscene content. This applies to adult products too.
  • Advertisements, promotional material or repeated posts that make the same point excessively are considered spam.
  • Please do not include URLs external to Amazon or personally identifiable content in your review.
  • Any attempt to manipulate Community content or features, including contributing false, misleading, or inauthentic content, is strictly prohibited.

Saturday, January 12, 2019

Less than two weeks in, Pepsi gives us 2019's Dumbest Commercial

Or at least the laziest.  Maybe I should have said "laziest."  Because there's no way it could possibly get lazier than this.

"They could win with a field goal....they're going to try to ice the kicker..." you know what, I'm not going to even get into the dumb color commentary.  Pepsi does more than enough to show it's utter contempt for its audience without getting into that. 

Instead, I'll note that every single person in this 60,000 seat stadium not only has a can of Pepsi (not beer, meaning that this is the only NFL game in history to be attended exclusively by 14-year olds) but a big plastic cup filled with ice to pour it into.  Where the hell did those come from?  Who drinks soda poured from cans into plastic cups filled with ice at a football game?  What kind of stupid bizarro world is this?

Oh wait, I almost forgot- it's a Pepsi Commercial.

Anyway, all these people with cups now filled with ice and Pepsi ("Ice" the kicker- get it? GET IT?  THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LAUGH, STUPID PEOPLE!) take a sip at the same time and let out an "ahhhh" as if there's something refreshing about Pepsi- or as if they haven't had a thing to drink in the previous three hours and are relieved to have SOMETHING, ANYTHING to quench their thirst, even if it's Pepsi.  Somehow this wave of stupid distracts the kicker or creates a sound wave or something which causes the field goal attempt to fail, cue applause, cue end of very, very stupid ad.

Congratulations, Pepsi.  We are all a little bit dumber from watching this stupid, obvious nub of insult posing as a commercial.  Well done.  Nothing released over the next 11 and a half months is going to come close to this when it comes to vacant, vapid asshattery.  Mazel Tov on your release of a virtual black hole of an ad, brilliantly devoid of even the slightest hint of entertainment value.  I'm in awe.

4imprint- because people really care about the quality of giveaway crap

When we are introduced to the character of Ernie Capadino (played by Jon Lovitz)  in the film A League of Their Own, he's sitting next to a salesman on a train.  The salesman is gushing with incredible enthusiasm about how he's traveling around the country pitching some product or another and how he's about to be promoted director of his company's western sales branch or something.  Capadino responds by laughing and telling the salesman "if I had your job, I'd kill myself."

I know it will sound mean, but that's exactly how I feel whenever I watch one of these ridiculous commercials for a company called 4Imprint.  I mean, try to imagine working for this company.  Your job is to pitch a service that slaps some other company's logo on everything from coffee travel mugs to ball point pens which can then be handed out as free crap at trade shows.  You have to know that none of this garbage is going to convince anyone to use any service, but will instead be used to replace the fading, dented, or lost (probably left on a train or at school or wherever because it has zero value to its owner) junk picked up at the LAST trade show.  4imprint doesn't even make the garbage.  It just stencils a name on garbage.  Wow, I'm sure that's what the stupid chirpy woman in this ad dreamed of doing when she was growing up. 

I'll be heading off to Louisville to grade for Educational Testing Service for the 11th straight year in June.  When I get there, I'll be handed a "welcome bag" which will probably include a travel mug, umbrella and almost unbelievably cheap carrying case all emblazoned with the logo for AP and The College Board.  The umbrella will be broken before summer is out.  The travel mug will still be around (if I haven't misplaced it) but the logo will be rubbed off by the end of the year.  I probably won't even bring the carrying case back with me because- well, there's only so much room in that suitcase.  But I sure hope that nobody actually took pride in making sure that stupid logo was slapped on that stupid junk Just Right to Impress Me, because that would be really, really sad.

Friday, January 11, 2019

In Xfinity land, Electronic Babysitters are the most awesome of all

Eventually, this kid will get hungry and discover that mommy and daddy abandoned her to her children and her bestest electronic friend to go spend the holidays in Aruba. 

Seriously, what the hell is going on here?  Someone just handed this kid a very expensive electronic device with access to cable, Netflix etc. and said "have fun with your dolls, kid, but be sure to just stay in this room?"  Little Daughter looks like the most socially isolated, lonely little twit in the universe, with her sole comfort an iPad with excellent connectivity.   At least she's been trained not to access "inappropriate" material on her filter-free Stimulus Machine.

Ok, maybe Mommy and Daddy didn't actually abandon this kid- maybe it's January 1 and they are just passed out in the other room, and Daughter knows better than to disturb them until at least noon.  Still, this is a pretty disturbing commercial. 

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Seriously, though- someone explain this State Farm ad to me

The guy in this ad is dreaming of the "perfect life" which could be protected by State Farm Insurance- he imagines his wife making lawn sculptures, his son (or somebody, I don't know- that part where he nods at dad creeps me out too much for some reason) about to dive into a swimming pool, etc in the back yard of a big suburban mansion which includes a big yard to water....

And then the daydream is interrupted, to reveal...that the guy actually does have a swimming pool in the back yard of a big suburban mansion with a big yard to water.  The only difference is that his family are real people doing real stupid hick things around that big swimming pool, and not the perfect people he was daydreaming they were.

Since State Farm isnt' going to turn his stupid hick family into a Trophy Wife and Trophy Children, it's kind of hard to see what the point is here.  State Farm can help protect this dumb, ugly family from disaster so they can keep being dumb and ugly and the bane of the neighborhood?  So when dad kills himself with the toaster and makes it look like an accident, the rest of these jackasses can live off his insurance policy?  If that's the case, well....ok, go protect that and be my guess.  If that's not the case, well....the offer is still open.  Someone, please, explain this one to me. 

Monday, January 7, 2019

Weird Credit Union Commercial apparently played for laughs which never arrive

So at the beginning of this ad, Future Daddy is trying to put together a crib for a baby which has not quite arrived yet.  He's interrupted by Very Pregnant Future Mommy, who pulls that obnoxiously cutesy "we" bit when she tells Future Daddy "we're early."  Not going to get into that at all except to say-- no, "we" are not.

And here's where the ad goes completely off the rails.  Instead of immediately getting Future Mommy to the hospital, Future Daddy stops off at a store to clean it out of diapers, talcum powder and whatever the heck else is considered Very Important Stuff for new babies.  Future Mommy is sitting in the parking lot, in the car, beeping the horn- maybe to remind Future Daddy that she's still waiting to be taken to the hospital to have their baby.  I really hope that among the thoughts flying through her head is one that resembles "Oh my god I married a guy who thinks that we need to bring diapers and talcum powder and formula to the hospital with us, what the hell did I get myself into here?"

Everything works out ok- Future Daddy uses his Credit Union Debit Card to buy the stuff really fast and they get to the hospital on time (I assume, I mean, we don't see anyone giving birth in a parking lot) and in the final scene we see Mommy and Daddy and new Baby who (for the moment) has no idea what an incredibly stupid human being Daddy is.  He'll have plenty of time to find out, assuming Daddy doesn't accidentally kill him before he gets the chance.

Sunday, January 6, 2019

Boost the Insanity!

Someone tell this grinning idiot that the reason you attach a lens to a camera is so you can take a close-up without actually physically jamming the camera into the subject's face. And that if you want to convince me to drink this canned junk, don't behave as if it contains Speed. 

Seriously. what the hell is wrong with you, stupid lady? 

(Oh and BTW, I'm not at all surprised that this is another Blocked Comments video.  Boost doesn't want any blowback for what is an obviously really, really stupid ad.

Saturday, January 5, 2019

Turbo Tax is free, until it isn't

The YouTube comment posters really love this commercial- they love bleating "free," they like brownnosing all over TurboTax, and one even says that he loves the ad so much he'd buy the service except it's free.  Uh huh.

Here's the thing.  I've been a TurboTax customer for nine years.  I find the service extremely easy to use- possibly because I don't own anything and work with only two W2 forms- and generally am able to complete my Federal and State returns, pay the fees, and e-file in about half an hour.  I have never had a problem with any returns completed with the TurboTax program, and usually get emails confirming acceptance of them by the Feds and State authorities inside of 48 hours.  I've never waited longer than two weeks for my refunds to be direct deposited.  Yes, the service works.

But...note that I included "pay the fees" in describing my experience with TurboTax.  TurboTax is NOT, for all practical purposes, "free" in any way, shape or form.  On average I end up paying about sixty dollars to e-file my returns, and that's after refusing to upgrade to the "Deluxe" version which is totally unnecessary because, as I stated above, I don't own anything.  Meanwhile, I get the same "File For Free" message on the website which remains there right up to the moment I start filling out the little boxes.

Here's how it works.  TurboTax typically offers free filing of your state return, IF you pay for filing your federal return at the same time.  So it's "free" in the same way a soda is free, just pay for the can before you open it.  Here's a tip- if you end up taking out your credit card and giving your number to a company that asks you for sixty dollars to finish completing and filing your "free" returns, the program wasn't free.   If you get to a page where you get two choices- the "standard" filing assistance for $49.95 or the "deluxe" version for $79.95, the program isn't free.  If you are "offered" the opportunity to have the cost of the filing subtracted from your refund "for a small extra fee," THE PROGRAM ISN'T FREE.

Now, I haven't researched this fully, so it's entirely possible that there is a way to get TurboTax to do your returns for free.  I suspect that it would involve printing all the completed documents up yourself, sticking them into an envelope, and sending them to the IRS, and come with all kinds of disclaimers concerning how TurboTax is not responsible in any way for delays in the Feds or the State officials getting your returns or you getting your refund.  I suspect that the "free" version comes with zero support and is covered with warnings that if you take the "free" option you are setting yourself up for disaster Better Click That $39.95 Button At The Very Least.  Far more likely, the "free" claim references nothing more than the Free If You Pay For This deal I mentioned in the previous paragraph.

Oh, guess what- I decided to check on the "free" claim at the TurboTax website.  Turns out that you CAN get a free filing using TurboTax IF your filing fits these categories:

  • W-2 income
  • Limited interest and dividend income reported on a 1099-INT or 1099-DIV
  • Claim the standard deduction
  • Earned Income Tax Credit (EIC)
  • Child tax credits

I was quite correct in my prediction that using the free option means that you get no support from TurboTax if something goes wrong.  Nor do you have your documents stored in a safe place electronically unless you do that yourself.  So while you CAN technically file for free using TurboTax, it's a pretty bad idea.

Again- I use TurboTax. I LIKE TurboTax.  It works really, really well.  But the safe version is NOT  free.  Non-buyer beware.

Friday, January 4, 2019

Tom Brady's always too busy to do stuff like this

Heart-warming to know that Aaron Rodgers has a solid insurance policy on that palace he'll be living in with his one Superbowl ring after he's finally given his walking papers by Green Bay, isn't it?

Thursday, January 3, 2019

University of Phoenix: It says University in the name, so.....

Larry Fitzgerald promised his mom that when his playing career was over, he'd finish college- is that what I was supposed to get out of this?

And then his mom died, but Larry Fitzgerald didn't forget his promise.  He decided to go back to school.  Well, that's sweet and nice and all that.

But then, Larry Fitzgerald decided that instead of finishing college, he'd get a worthless piece of paper from a for-profit diploma mill Not-University, the "University" of Phoenix.  I'm not at all sure that's what your mom had in mind, Larry.

But check out the YouTube comments- the heart-strings have been tugged and the tears are flowing, allegedly.  None of these people have watched the documentary Fail State, obviously.  I suggest they do.  I also suggest that all you idiots claiming that John McCain was a brave, patriotic, caring American icon watch it too- and then you can explain to me why Mr. Maverick wouldn't even listen to testimony concerning the University of Phoenix and other institutions that rip off students and taxpayers but instead stalked out of the committeeroom in a huff after accusing Senator Tom Harkin of being "against profit."

Good luck with that communications "degree," Larry.  I hope it at least came with a fancy frame and maybe a set of Ginzu knives.  You should get SOMETHING of value out of all that money.