Wednesday, July 17, 2019

I'm ready to Cart Witness for Glow Pets!

Children all over the world are discovering the magic of Glow Pets!

Glow Pets are soft and fluffy and light up with the push of a button!

Glow Pets are great for storytime, or just for snuggles.  Glow Pets are extremely rare- only one child in ten thousand will ever actually have a Glow Pet, as written in the Holy Scriptures of the Glowing Pet!

Glow Pets exist in jungles, space and even under water- but if you look for them and you can't find them, that simply means that you just Don't Believe Enough!

Glow Pets are the only source of True Happiness in the World.  Other toys, friends, parents-- those are all temporary, damaged, and superficial comforts compared to the Everlasting Joy that only a Glow Pet can bring!

Glow Pets love you, and demand that you love them back.  If you don't love them back, you are a horrible sinful creature who needs a Glow Pet all the more.  Open your heart to Glow Pets, who only want the love and obedience they deserve.

Go out and spread the Good News of the Glow Pets.  No child is complete without a Glow Pet of his own. 

Glow Pets are Jealous Pets.  They shall have no other Pets before Them.  To truly enjoy the love of a Glow Pet, children must throw out all of their other material comforts and embrace only their Glow Pet.

Glow Pets will Provide.  Have Faith in the Glow Pet.  Think nothing of today; This System will soon pass away, and then the true believers will be with their Glow Pets for eternity.  Those who rejected the love of the Glow Pet will suffer a fate too horrible to comprehend.

Have no Association with anyone who has turned away from Glow Pets, for they are no longer your brothers and no longer enjoy the graces of the Glow Pets. (Paul's Epistle to Walmart, 4:15)

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get started on my 70 hours per month of Glow Pet Witnessing door to door.  All Hail the Glow Pets!

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Go away, Infiniti

This is what I need to see this summer:  Rich people racing around having an infinite amount of fun in their automobiles, just going about in their day-to-day enchanted existence like freaking Gatsbys without a care in the world.

Marie Antoinette would be resentful and jealous of these douchenozzles and their party-to-party lifestyle which seems to involve The Rest of the World just getting the hell out of the way so they can park their LookAtMeMobiles right in front of the 5-star restaurant, million-dollar condo or exclusive beach so they can engage in the next Great Adventure Because We Can.

Seriously, all of the rich, entitled Eurotrash in this ad need to go die in a fire already.  Then we'd spared any more of these heartwarming Scenes From Our Perfect Lives Made Even More Perfect By Our Awesome New Cars.

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Steaks and Shakes and Angioplasty

This commercial is not a product of The Onion.  It is not parody.  There is really a place out there that sells burgers topped with buns "slathered" with "real Wisconsin butter"- a LOT of it, if the depiction of butter application here is at all realistic.

(EDIT:  Just looked it up.  The burger depicted here contains 710 calories.  That's compared to 420 for a Quarter Pounder, 560 in a Big Mac and 670 in a Whopper, all  w/o cheese.)

I'm simultaneously horrified and hungry from this ad.  I want one of these burgers, and I also think they should be illegal.  I'm both relieved that there are no Steaks and Shakes franchises anywhere near where I live and also wondering if they do long-distance delivery.

These burgers look absolutely disgusting.  I'm sad to think I'll probably never get to try one.

Saturday, July 13, 2019

Good to know, T-Mobile!

It's so awesome being with a network using state-of-the-art technology to make sure that I get all my downloads and can do all my streaming "faster" and without being "slowed down" by the little annoyances of poor connectivity.  It warms the heart to know that people racing motorbikes in the middle of a large city won't have whatever the hell they are being distracted with interrupted or even slowed down in the slightest by lame 4G So Very Yesterday service.

Meanwhile, I'm in rural Vermont for another five weeks with my T-Mobile phone, which can rarely find a connection at all and which I leave at home when I drive into the nearest town because I don't need constant No Network Coverage notifications when I want to check messages or, god forbid, make a phone call.  Well, that's the price you pay when you take your phone into a third world country, I guess.

(Two years ago, I used this same phone to make a call from the island of Capri, off the coast of Italy, as well as post photos to Facebook from the Vatican.  But I can't make a phone call from a living room in Orange, Vermont.  Thanks again, T-Mobile.)

Friday, July 12, 2019

What Colonial Penn Life Insurance keeps "forgetting" to bring up....

(Or "Benefits?'  Why are you talking about 'Benefits?' Sure you're going to die, but not for a long long time! Boy are you morbid!")

"I can't get life insurance, I'm too old!"

"Not true!  With Colonial Penn Life Insurance, you can get life insurance without a physical examination, regardless of age!"

"Well, I still can't afford it."

"Not true!  With Colonial Penn Life Insurance, you can pay as little as little as ten dollars a month!"

"Well, the rates will go up as I get older, so I still can't afford it."

"Not true!  The rates are locked in for life!  And as I said, you can pay as little as ten dollars a month!"

"Well, I'm not in great health.  No one is going to sell me life insurance with my health record."

"Are you deaf?  There's no physical examination.  I seriously just said that.  Quick, sign here before you can't remember your name!"

"Ok sounds great- oh by the way, what benefits are paid when I die?"

"We'll send you a super-convenient booklet where you can list your beneficiaries and last requests to your family, absolutely free!  Sign here!"

"Um, yeah ok- but again, what benefits are paid when I die?"

"Benefits are limited for the first three years.  It's that second dotted line.  Where I'm pointing."

"Limited to what?  And after three years?  I mean, if I pay premiums..."

"Which are locked and and can NEVER go up and your policy can NEVER be cancelled!"

"Yeah....if I pay the premiums and I die in say, four years, how much do my beneficiaries get?"

"Oh look, we're out of time.  See you in the next commercial for Colonial Penn Life! Tell your friends they can't be turned down and their premiums will never increase!"

Thursday, July 11, 2019

The weird message of Credit Karma ads

If your credit score is low, you live in a tiny apartment, drive a beater, and your life is generally hell on Earth.

But if you get your credit score up, everything magically gets better- you move into a much nicer apartment or even get a house, you trade up for a car that shows better for your neighbors, maybe you even take up mountain biking because that's a rich millenial's hobby.

I get that what Credit Karma is trying to tell you is that a low credit score keeps you from getting low interest rates on expensive stuff which- unless you are really stupid- keeps you from getting expensive stuff.  This is a message that sells well to people who don't have a lot of money and are unwilling to live like they do.  It probably completely flummoxes the people with poor credit who head over to Rent A Center to fill their homes with big-screen tvs, sofas and game systems before signing up for ruinous car payments for a vehicle worth twice their annual salaries.  Because those people aren't limited by their low credit scores- or rather, they don't realize they are or are determined to pretend that they aren't.

Still, there's a very definite "get your credit score up so you can get deeper into debt" vibe that runs through all of these ads because at no time are viewers told exactly HOW to get those credit scores up.  We just see people enjoying the benefits of a higher credit score.  Maybe it's because cutting back on spending, paying all your bills on time for years, and making more money aren't quite as attractive as just moving your finger across a screen, magically moving your credit score up 200 points, and instantly reaping the rewards in the form of a bigger house, nicer car and cool weekend hobby- all of which are going to cost you money and make it even more important that you pay your bills on time.

Monday, July 8, 2019

A few questions about Domino's "Pizza Insurance"

1.  So the infinite number of times this guy demonstrates his total inability to successfully carry home a pizza will never faze Domino's at all, huh?  They'll just keep handing him pizzas until the end of time as long as he returns the damaged ones?  Really?

2.  What is with this guy that he is totally incapable of looking both ways before crossing the street or- let's just cut to the chase- doing basically anything more complicated than walking and carrying a pizza?  How does this guy hold down a job?  He's the reason the cliche' "can't walk and chew gum at the same time" was invented.  He literally IS incapable of performing simple tasks the average 8-year old could carry out in his sleep.

3.  The most unintentionally hilarious- yet instructive- part of this ad comes at the end, when our favorite clueless doofus throws his pizza at the frisbee players.....and they throw it right back.  They don't want that cruddy excuse for a pizza either.  They don't want to deal with your garbage, they just want their plastic disc back, and they treat that "pizza" with all the respect it deserves.  Along with treating this total idiot with all the respect HE deserves.

Saturday, July 6, 2019

CarMax tries too hard

In another commercial, this same guy makes a total ass of himself working up the courage to ask if CarMax will buy his car even if he doesn't want to buy another one.  Not sure why this is so tough- I mean, if you're over the age of ten and have any social skills at all, or have ever been in a store or interacted with salespeople in any way, but there it is.  But I couldn't find it, so instead here's another featuring what I guess is a tag team of spokeschoads determined to treat it's potential customers like brain-damaged children:

"Acronyms are fun."  Oh, are they now?  When did that happen?  And is behaving like bizarre set of idiots for the "entertainment" of the television audience also fun?  What about selling your car at Carmax?  Is that fun?

Actually, I can answer that last question, because I sold my car at Carmax almost six years ago.  No, it was not fun, but I never imagined it would be and did not demand that it was.  I wanted it to be easy, and it was easy.  That's all I asked for.  It was enough for me, and I'd think it would be enough for anyone.  I sold my car, and I didn't buy another one.  Before I arranged an appointment I went online and did some very deep research to see if this was possible, and I found it after looking very carefully at the homepage at which stated "We'll Buy Your Car Even if You Don't Buy Ours."  You know, the same statement made in all the ads.  I actually would have felt very, very stupid if I had gone there and asked if they could pretty pretty please make me an offer on my car and not force me to buy one of theirs in the bargain. 

Oh, and the people who handled their purchase of my car didn't try to engage me in juvenile banter or try to convince me that I'd be having such an awesome time I ought to be losing control of my bowels and possession of my dignity.  They just told me what they'd give me for my car, I agreed, and about half an hour later I was out of there with my check.  And my dignity.  Unlike this creep who shows up again and again at Carmax to ask pretty much the same question to the same guy so he can get the same answer repeated in the form of a forced joke which is never funny.

Friday, July 5, 2019

"Daddy, What's 'Netscape?'"

And when you get done telling your daughter about Netscape, you can tell her about how you used to Ask Jeeves when you had a question for the World Wide Interwebs because you couldn't find the answer in Grampa's Encyclopedia Brittanica.

Speaking of Grampa, he can join the conversation and tell your daughter what "Dialup" was and how people used to plug their desktop computers into phone jacks in order to access the internet.  Don't forget to tell her what desktop computers and phone jacks are while you're at it.

Full disclosure:  I can remember using Netscape in 1994 to check the results from South Africa's first real democratic election- I'd "dialup," go take a shower, brush my teeth, and come back to find the page almost completely loaded.  What a time to be alive!

Thursday, July 4, 2019

Happy Independence Day, Everyone!..

Seriously, it's hard to imagine any company more perfectly capturing the spirit of what it means to be an American than the good people at Black Rifle Coffee Company (even the NAME screams "America."  You can have my coffee when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands!)

I mean, look at all of these examples of Real American Values at work.  Super-patriotic flag-embossed clothing.  Tats.  Sunglasses.  Facial Hair.  Wreckless use of fireworks.  Massive meat consumption.  Heck, we even see the wreckless use of a chainsaw to cut a watermelon- most otherwise Patriotic companies miss that little detail.

Anyway, I know that this is all in good fun and not to be taken seriously in any way, so please don't flame me for dumping on an Onion-level commercial because I've got a stick up my butt and I can't recognize satire.  I can, and did.  I just thought this was too great not to include in my blog, which By The Way reached the One Million Views threshold earlier this week (only took ten and a half years!)

So happy Independence Day, everyone, with a special shout-out to my neighbors spending their holiday in Occupied Washington DC-- enjoy the fly-overs, tanks rolling through the streets, and the other Fascist imagery more familiar to those lucky duckies in North Korea, all for the glorification of His Orangeness in the White House....and keep that crying baby balloon flying to let foreign visitors know we haven't all bought in to the idea of celebrating the disaster brought to us courtesy of Russia and the Electoral College....

Monday, July 1, 2019

Nostalgia Time: the McDonald's BeefSteak Sandwich, etc.

For a few months in 1978-79 I worked at McDonald's- it was my first real job making my very own pocket money that came from a total stranger on a perforated check with taxes deducted and not from a relative.  I was 33.

Only kidding about being 33- I was actually 15.  I hated the job and was stressed when I had to make hamburgers- I could never get the bun-toasting machine to work right and ended up crushing the buns almost every time.  I much prefered clean-up duty to food prep, and I would have rather spent eight hours hauling trash than thirty minutes flipping thin pucks of meat, squirting them with mustard and ketchup and placing pickles on them before folding them in paper....I can still remember doing that and it still makes my stomach tense up.  Nervous all the time.

Anyway, that's a long introduction for this vintage commercial featuing perhaps the very best food item McDonald's ever produced- the BeefSteak Sandwich.  This awesome juicy deliciousness was introduced while I was at McDonald's and when I lost my taste for everything else that restaurant sold for maybe five years I just could not get enough of these things.  I remember enjoying every bite and being sad when it was gone.  If could have afforded it (I don't remember how much they cost, but these sandwiches were expensive, and this was pre-Dollar Menu, so everything at McDonald's in 1979 actually cost more than it does today) I would have happily gobbled down 2 or 3 at one sitting.

I quit McDonald's after those few months and went back to being broke but the BeefSteak Sandwich went away shortly thereafter, so what did I need money for anyway?  Well, I'm glad you asked- in 1982 I went to Washington DC for college and discovered what is CERTAINLY the best BREAKFAST sandwich ever created by a fast food chain, and maybe the best breakfast sandwich ever created by ANY restaurant:  the Hardee's Steak and Egg Biscuit.  Oh. My. God.  I LIVED for these things- my Freshman year I'd regularly eat two of them in one sitting (probably 1000 calories, but I was 18 years old, no problem) with a big cup of black coffee.....just awesome.

Naturally, today I live in a world where even if I wanted to (and I probably would) I can't start my day with a Hardee's Steak and Egg Biscuit OR continue it with a McDonald's BeefSteak Sandwich.  In other words, a world that both hates me AND cares about my health.  I'm not grateful, World.  Not one bit.

Sunday, June 30, 2019

I remember when dirty dishes and empty Coke cans were the serious roomate problems....

I'm old enough to remember when "Multitasking" didn't mean having the ability to watch tv and watch something else while talking on the phone, and instead meant being able to perform several tasks at the same time.   One of these sisters would consider eating, daydreaming, and binge-watching Game of Thrones multitasking.  The other would probably describe complaining about her sister/roomate while giggling for the camera multitasking.  I would not agree with either of them.

All that being said, this is kind of a cute commercial when you ignore the fact that these are two sisters whose biggest complaint about being roomates involves sharing broadband.  Then it becomes either unrealistic, or just sad, or kind of cool that that's their only major issue, or meaningless because they JUST became roomates and haven't realized they can't bear to be together so often, just more evidence that I'm too old to comment on commercials like this and need to just stay out of it.

Friday, June 28, 2019

Another of these casual "when I die it won't be a problem" insurance ads....

So this old woman's son expresses relief that mom is going to be ok- and mom's response is to calmly let him know that hey, no worries, she's got this plan to pay for her funeral.  Maybe she knows her son better than I do, because that's not what I thought he meant when he said he was relieved she was ok.  I really didn't think he meant "'cause jeesh, if you had kicked off, that would have cost us serious money and our Honeymoon in Ireland is only a few months away."

Anyway, Mom launches into a calm explanation of how she's got this awesome policy that will pay to stick her in the ground when she finally DOES kick off, and she's greeted with uber-creepy smiles from her appreciative relatives.  They aren't even asking her how she's feeling or when she's going to leave the hospital.  The IMPORTANT thing is that she IS going to die sooner or later- probably sooner- but it's not going to set the kids back to put Mom in a hole.

Ok, I don't know if that's her son or her son-in-law-- her body language suggests to me that's her son, so I went with that.  But would daughter-in-law be sitting on the bed like that?  Why is she sitting on the bed at all?  No wide-angle lens available?  That's just weird.

(Oh and BTW, I guess I'm supposed to know who David Denowitz is?  I don't, and I don't recognize this guy at all.  No, I don't want to be enlightened.)

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Hey look it's the "the best companies are the ones that pay me" guy, today it's Sprint!

Someday, someone will explain to me why Sprint thinks that this annoying jackass with the Most Punchable Face on Television who has already demonstrated a willingness to pimp for whichever phone service is willing to pay him is at all persuasive in his arguments for their company.  Because I just don't see it- he's just an ugly knob who seems determined to get us to throw heavy objects at our screens.  Maybe Sprint sells televisions as well as phone service?

At any rate, check out the people in the background walking the dog.  Wonder what they are saying to eachother?

"Hey, what's going on over there?  Looks like they are filming a commercial."

"Yeah and that guys looks familiar....oh god, it's that guy who used to tell us one phone service as the best option available, then ran out his string and got canned, then got picked up by another phone service which he's now telling us is the best option available."

"Jeesh, what a transparent BS artist.  And with a really, really punchable face, too.  Let's move on."

Monday, June 24, 2019

Why does Geico treat it's potential customers like this?

Count how many times the idiot NOT acting like a child having a stress attack uses the phrase "help with homeowner insurance."  What the hell does that even mean?  Geico sells homeowner insurance.  It "helps" with insurance the same way a grocery store "helps" provide you with milk and bread.  What's with that language?  Is Geico afraid to use the term "sell" in it's ad?  Does it think we're going to become convinced that we aren't capable of buying home insurance and we need someone to "help" us through the process without actually taking money out of our pockets?  Does Geico think we're all a bunch of children?

Wait- watching this commercial again, maybe that's exactly what Geico thinks.  So it distracts us with this fat doofus acting like an infant at a McDonald's Playland instead of someone seriously considering purchasing a home.  And it uses language which suggests he just needs someone to hold his hand while he buys insurance- not someone to sell it to him.  WTF-ever, Geico.

Sunday, June 23, 2019

Samsung is either confused, or incredibly full of itself

Hey, Samsung?  TV didn't "make history" when man landed on the moon in 1969.  TV captured a moment of history BEING MADE.  Suggesting that this means that television "made history" is like saying that Zapruder made history by capturing Kennedy's assasination on film or that Da Vinci made history by painting the Last Supper.  Pointing a camera at history or painting a moment in history after the fact isn't "making history."  It's almost sad to imagine that a large segment of your audience probably thinks that man landing on the moon wasn't such a big deal- it was television broadcasting the moment that was "historical."

Television recorded an event.  It did not create the event.  There IS a difference.

Meanwhile, well, congratulations on producing a somewhat Better for Some Reason Boob Tube.  just don't call it History, ok?  That word means something.  Or at least it used to, before ESPN and choads like you decided to water it down to the consistency of Bud Lite.

Saturday, June 22, 2019

Samsung Presents: A new phone with a feature nobody in their right mind will want to use

"Setting aside the "designed for this generation in mind" line for a moment...

Yeah right, Samsung.  I've seen people refuse to let old men cut in line at the coffee shop.  I've seen seated twentysomethings ignore standing pregnant women on the metro.  I've seen countless drivers flatly refuse to give desperate neighbors a battery boost with their cars.  And more to the point, I've seen people of all ages fight over the last available charging station at the airport gate.

Bluntly put:  No one's draining their phone battery to give someone else's phone a boost.  Certainly not a total stranger at a bar.  And the idea that it will become a natural thing to do because hey, they'll pay it forward, is an even bigger joke. 

How would this work anyway?  "Hey buddy, my cell phone is at 20%.  Can you give me some power?"

"Well, I'm going to be out all night. and my battery is at 80%...I don't know, I have calls to make and I kind of wanted to watch a podcast later....."

"Oh come on, this is an emergency."

"Well, ok, I'll get your phone up to 30%, how's that?"

"Ugh what a selfish jerk, forget it.  I don't know what's happened to society.  My kid wants to watch cartoons, and my phone is almost dead.  You don't have any kids, but your precious podcast is more important than my kid?  You're breaking her heart.  You just don't care."

"Um, why don't you just carry a portable charger?  I mean, the really good ones cost like thirty bucks."

"Go to hell you selfish creep."

Seriously, who the heck is going to volunteer cell phone charge to anyone?  I think people will avoid getting this phone so they DON'T find themselves constantly dunned for free boosts from fellow cellphone addicts who couldn't be bothered to think ahead.  In this way it's NOT AT ALL like the pregnant woman who needs a seat or the stranded motorist who needs someone to help him with his jumper cables.  This is about enabling someone's "need" to be on their phone constantly.  No thanks.  Here's a better idea- keep your phone charged.  If you simply must drain your battery when you're out on the town, carry a charger with you.  But asking me to drain my cell phone battery so you can stay connected?  I'm going to opt out.  I'll let you cut in line at the coffee shop and I'll definitely give my seat on the train and when I had a car I sure would have helped you out of a jam by getting your car going.  I'm drawing the line here though, because dammit, you need to show some responsibility despite what commercials are teaching you.

"Designed with this generation in mind"--ouch, that''s a pretty nasty slap at millions of people who happen to have been born between an arbitrary set of years, Samsung.  I'm insulted on their behalf.

Friday, June 21, 2019

PNC Bank's weird casting decision inspires an entire blog post....

I totally get that yes, it's a good feature if you can put a lock on your credit card when you note it's been lost.  And yes, it's 2019, "cash only" food or merchandise stands simply should not be a thing anymore (as far as I'm concerned, "Cash Only" translates into "We Don't Really Want Your Business" in 2019.  If you are selling something that costs more than $5, you better set yourself up to accept credit or plan on not having any sales.  It's 2019.  People don't carry wads of green paper with Presidents on them these days.  Sorry.)

But jeeeeesh PNC Bank,  that girl about to flush her dad's credit card down the toilet?  SHE'S TOO OLD TO BE DOING THAT.  That kid has to be eight years old!  Flushing valuables down a toilet is something kids 3-5 years old do!  NOT EIGHT!  Which means I just have to assume that this little aspiring actress is the daughter of the producer, right?

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

The Curse of the Insurance Spokeschoad

Agent: "This happens all the time, I'll help take care of it."

Sports Figure Appearing in State Farm Commercials instead of Winning Championships:  "What happens all the time?"

Agent:  "We get called by a sports figure who makes huge amounts of money while either playing for an Also-Ran non-championship team or retired from that team."

Sports Figure: "What?  What do you mean?"

Agent:  "Well, currently you guys keep showing up in State Farm Commercials.  You're well-known members of the Houston Rockets, a team which failed- once again- to win the championship this year. Hell, you didn't even make it to the finals.  But no problem, you're recognizable, so you get to be in State Farm commercials showing off your awesome cars and ridiculous mansions, pretending to be friends in the off-season."

Sports Figure:  "And that's really common?  What if I appeared in commercials for some other insurance company?"

Agent:  "Maybe.  Remember Peyton Manning? He won two Superbowls, but he spent his entire career in the shadow of Tom Brady.  If Brady hadn't been around, Peyton certainly would have won 4 or 5 rings.  But it didn't really matter- even when he was at the top of his game, and having most seasons end with a loss to the Patriots in a playoff game, he was being regularly featured in these ads.  Heck, he's been retired for years and he's still pimping for Nationwide."

Sports Figure:  "Well, ok but that's Peyton Manning.  Anyone else?"

Agent:  "Do you ever watch TV?  88% of our ads feature Aaron Rodgers.  You know Aaron Rodgers- he's the guy that douchenozzle Max Kellerman says Tom Brady isn't better than in the same breath he uses to call Tom Brady the greatest QB of all time.  He's the guy who has exactly one Superbowl ring from eight years ago but is still recognizable enough to be a State Farm spokeschoad."

Sports Figure:  "But they DID win championships. So there is SOME hope for me."

Agent: "Yeah, sure, sure there is.  Can you go back to being a bug-eyed idiot for an insurance company now?  I mean, it's not like you have a parade to be in or anything like that."

Monday, June 17, 2019

UpWork: When you don't know how to do what you were hired to do....

And collect a paycheck to do.....

No worries.  Just like there's a place for the functionally illiterate to go to have their grammar fixed (Grammarly) and there's a place to go to find unpaid interns desperate for "experience" (Reddit, Facebook, etc,) there's now a place to go to hire people to do the work you told your prospective employer you were capable of doing, which btw got you that job it turns out you don't know how to do.

UpWork essentially provides out-of-work Freelancers to do the thinking-and working-for salaried professionals who enjoy making that paycheck but have no clue how to earn it.  Take a look at the jackasses in this particular ad:  They are salespeople.  Their sales have leveled off.  Naturally, this is a big problem because they were hired to keep those sales up.  They COULD have a brainstorming session in which they try to come up with just one or two decent ideas.  OR, they could farm out some of their responsiblities- and their company's money- to UpWork, where some desperate choad in front of a laptop is eager to take care of their problem for a few bucks which will allow him to avoid homelessness for another month.

Employed lazy twits give eachother high-fives and celebrate with a round of Coronas after leaving the office.  Desperate Choad runs out for some more ramen before sitting back down in front of his laptop awaiting his next assignment courtesy of overpaid douchenozzles who can't be bothered to do their job but who make enough to pass on a few crumbs to Desperate Choad.  Life is good.  For somebody. 

And to think, I feel guilty at times when I purchase a lesson plan at 4:30 AM  from TeachersPayTeachers because it's easier than trying to come up with something for my kids to do so I can call in sick. I don't think this is quite the same thing.

Still....gotta love how this all works, don't you?

Sunday, June 16, 2019

Jersey Mike's Hates Kids- and maybe Moms, too?

Ugh, this woman is such a nasty harpy.  How about instead of just yelling "NO!" over and over again at your obviously bored, lonely and frustrated son, you help him find something to do?  Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you, woman?  You've got this freaking palace of a house that's so damned spotless it must be regularly cared for by a team of cleaners, you clearly have nothing to do with yourself until the Breadwinner comes you're going to spend your day yelling at that poor kid, telling him to stop trying to stay sane by doing things that are perfectly normal for a little kid?

Oh, but then you say "yes" to....a slice of pig fat from Jersey Mike's.  Oh, good plan, Mom.  An imagination which distracts Mommy? That's bad and wrong.  Salty ham?  Absolutely, help yourself, Son.

This kid is going to learn very quickly that the only thing he can do that doesn't draw mom's gape-mouthed disapproval is eat.  I see big problems down the line for him.  For chrissakes, Mom, take that kid to the freaking park or at least out in the yard.  Or just admit that what he's doing indoors is perfectly fine and that the person with the problem is YOU because you can't bear your kid doing something that might make noise or a small mess.  They way you're going now, when your kid grows up he's only going to remember you as a screeching mouth which never stopped smothering his attempts to let his imagination take him other words, to act like a freaking child.

Saturday, June 15, 2019

American Home Shield is at it again!

1.  The customers in these ads don't seem to be carrying copies of their homeowner insurance policies; nor do the agents have copies....yet, the customer assumed that the broken appliance (in this case, an air conditioner) is covered and the agent is quite certain it isn't.  Hey Mr. Customer, if you don't have a copy of your policy, why did you think your air conditioner was covered?  Hey Ms Agent, if you don't have a copy of the policy, why are you assuming it isn't? 

2.  In every one of these ads, the agent points out that some ridiculously implausible appliance-damaging scenerio IS covered.  In a previous commercial, it's a fire-breathing dragon.  In this one- and in a lot of the radio ads- it's a "zombie apocalypse."  The joke is that these things never happen in real life...yet in the commercials, they DO happen.  So is American Home Shield saying that we SHOULD have actual, non-scammy homeowners insurance covering things like fire-breathing dragons and zombies?  And that AHS doesn't cover these things?

3.  Here's one thing I know for sure about the customers in these ads:  they didn't have to pay for the opportunity to sit down with an agent and file a claim.  But guess what?  If they are dumb enough to sign up for a policy from American Home Shield, that's exactly what they'll do when something in their home breaks down.   They'll pay a "processing fee" up front before AHS will even consider their claim.  And, of course, that's only the beginning of the headache.  Then they'll get the run-around from the bottom-of-the-barrell one-step-above-handyman-drifter contractors AHS sends out to inspect the broken appliance.  Then they'll get one excuse after another concerning why what they thought was Covered isnt' actually Covered and after all AHS only promised to Cover repairs that are Covered, sorry filing fee isn't refundable make sure you get that monthly premium out on time byes!

Got a house filled with appliances?  Try to get a good, long warranty when you buy those appliances, but once they expire, just start saving money so you can get them fixed when they break down.  Extended Warranties are ALL scams, American Home Shield is just among the very worst of a bad lot.  You will NEVER get an Extended Warranty to pay off, which is why these companies are so profitable.  Well, that and the fear-mongering promoted in ads like this.

Friday, June 14, 2019

SCOTTeVEST: Another product you'd never admit to owning...

Because the only reason you ever leave ANYTHING at home when you go for a walk is because you don't have enough pockets?

Seriously, WTF? Why would anyone need to carry so much crap around with them all the time?  Why would anyone WANT to carry around another 10-15 lbs of electronics, sunglasses, water bottles, novels, playing cards, notepads, mace, jacknives, Mentos, candy bars etc. while they are taking a walk?

And "breeze through the airport?"  Not so fast there, buddy- if you've got anything electronic larger than an iPhone in there, you're going to have to take it out and place it in a seperate bin anyway.  And if you've got fifteen different items in fifteen different pockets in that vest, get ready to stand at the Security Station for ten minutes after you've gone through the detector yourself while three agents molest your vest before handing it to you with sympathetic, condescending looks on their faces.

The most realistic parts of this ad are the ones that feature middle-aged guys wearing the vests.  I can totally see this being something Men of a Certain Age wear because they are beyond giving a damn what anyone thinks or have long since past that stage where they hang out with guys who judge their clothing style.  The guys who would wear those Forever Lazy full-body pajamas in public would be very happy in SCOTTeVESTS.  Anyone younger than 40 wouldn't be caught dead in one of these things unless they are already friendless and have totally given up on the idea of actually forming a meaningful connection with a fellow human being.  Well, at least they've got their electronic cocoons with one of these pockets.....damn, I forgot which pocket I put my phone in again!  There goes the next twenty minutes!!

*I actually have a pretty good idea for a motto to be used in future SCOTTeVEST commercials: "SCOTTeVEST:  Now you can fall down, not get hurt, and still be out thousands of dollars!"

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Wow, T-Mobile Sounds like it's going to be so awesome....someday!

So two years ago, T-Mobile put out this ad explaining how it was going to be "radically" changing the way people can access the network and use their phones even in rural areas.  The narrator sure sounds pumped- I kept expecting him to just say that T-Mobile was going to Kick Ass all over the country because it was engaging this Revoution of Ultimate Conectivity or something.

Thing is, I am a T-Mobile customer.  I live the Washington DC suburbs and have no problem making and receiving phone calls without ever experiencing call drops.  My ability to stream video is a little more clunky but usually not bad.  In short, the network seems to function very well here.  But again, I live in the Washington DC suburbs.  Of course it functions well here.

Every summer, I spend six weeks visiting my parents in rural Vermont.  I know that when I leave the house to do shopping or run other errands for them, I need to leave my T-Mobile phone at home and borrow my mother's little AT&T Nokia because I am NOT going to get reliable service with MY phone.  In downtown Barre- the third-largest city in the state- I'll get "No Network Connection" messages and on the rare ocassion I'm able to make a call, it will inevitably get dropped seconds in.  I can't check my email and forget about watching a video.

So it's nice to see that T-Mobile is dedicating itself to improving it's rural service- but, again, this ad came out two years ago.  I was in Vermont in April and had exactly the same problems I've always had.  For all the bluster and confident boasting, T-Mobile doesn't seem any closer to connecting people who live in certain rural areas (and seriously, it's not like Vermont is the Alaskan tundra or the middle of a 10,000 acre ranch in Montana.)  More Walk, Less Talk, please, T-Mobile

Monday, June 3, 2019

Back to Louisville!

This is the brand new hotel I'll be staying at June 4-12 while grading AP US History exams in Louisville; looking forward to checking out what looks like a pretty big (24 hour access) gym, swimming pool, and reading areas when I'm not struggling to keep my eyes from falling out my head as I fill in bubbles at the (also brand new) Kentucky International Convention Center a little less than half a mile away.

When I'm not working, working out, and sleeping, I'll be checking out the awesome fossil beds across the bridge in Indiana and taking in a couple of Bats games at Louisville Slugger Field (the Pawtucket Red Sox are in town the night before I return to the DC area, which should be very cool.)

Anyway, I'm assuming that I won't be able to post again until June 12 or 13th, enjoy the archives while I'm away!  (If it turns out that I can post, I may drop one or two here during my visit, but it's most likely I'll be too busy in any case....)

(I point out in the comment section that in this entire video we don't see a single actual hotel room; I guess the makers of this little film think that hotels are all about eating and shopping, period.)

Sunday, June 2, 2019

Unintentially Funny Commercial from Car Shield

These guys are total scumbags, selling crap non-insurance to people who drive lemons and live in constant fear of a repair that will ruin them finacially.  Companies like Car Shield prey on such people by using that fear to suck money they can't afford to part with out of them on a monthly basis.

But I have to admit that there's one moment in this ad that just makes me break out laughing every time I see it.  That moment shows up at the 18-second mark, at which point the arm-waving spokeschoad stands in front of a hypothetical car bill which lists two items under the red letters "WHAT YOU OWE."  Here's what it says:

Quantity 1:  Replace Defective Part in Car  Price Each:  $4143  Total:  $4143
Quantity 13:  Labor  Price Each:  $100  Total:  $1300

Where to start?  First of all, will some mechanic out there tell me which car part costs $4143?  And as long as I've got a mechanic responding, can one tell me if they've ever written up a bill which says "Replace Defective Part in Car" without actually naming the part?

Second, why is the word "Replace" in the first line of the bill?  That sounds like a LABOR COST to me, but the labor cost is in the SECOND line.  Clearly the people who wrote the script for this junk have never looked at a car bill....or, they just like treating their audience like children who need things dumbed down to the point of hilarity.

Third, I guess the "Labor Price" is the hourly rate.  It's also the only believable part of this ad.

Speaking of this ad, it goes on for another forty seconds but there's really nothing new to comment on here- just another "All Covered Repairs will be Covered with your Coverage" extended warranty scam which will make poor people poorer and leave them holding the bag when they find out that the repair needed on that beater they are desperately trying to hold together Isn't Covered, Sorry.  Probably because that Defective Part in Car was Defective when you bought the insurance and you didn't tell Car Shield about it so sorry your Coverage is void check the fine print next time. Good luck paying that bill all by yourself (but first, seriously, ask your mechanic what that defective part is, because I'm still super curious.)

Saturday, June 1, 2019

At Aaron's, Two out of three ain't bad!

Aww, look at all the helpful people rescuing cats from the highway, carrying injured teammates across the finish line, etc!  Really restores your faith in humanity, doesn't it?

Know what all those scenes remind me of?  A rent-to-own company called Aaron's.  You know, that chain store which rents and sells to people with crap or no credit.  No, not Rent A Center.  The other one.  Aaron's!

Aaron's is what you would get if you took the best qualities of people who would rescue kittens from traffic or create human chains to save people from drowning or throw themselves on hand grenades and put them into a store.  That's because Aaron's doesn't care if you are down on your luck, or you have a history of defaulting on loans, or you think that living within your means is for Stupidhead Losers.  They also don't care if you are only semi-literate and just want to be told where to sign your name never mind the contract just give me the jist of it.  In fact, they actually PREFER those people.

Because at Aaron's, you can find Low Low Weekly Prices on that Xbox, Big Screen TV, and Laptop Computer the meanies over at Dell and Best Buy told you were out of your price range because they don't love you like Aaron's does.  At Aaron's you can Get What You Need- like that gaming system- for as low as $19 a week.  How many weeks?  Who cares it's only $19 even you can afford that!

And Aaron's makes it easy!  REALLY easy!  I mean, it's as easy as picking out the toys you want and signing on the dotted line, Aaron's takes care of the rest- including figuring the interest rate (300 percent or more, but so what remember how low those payments are) and helpfully calling you to remind you when your Low Low payment is twenty minutes late- and if we can't get in touch with you, no worries we'll call your family, neighbors, employer.  We'd like to see Sears care that much!

And if you need more time to pay?  We'll work it out, that's what late fees and ballooning interest rates are for!  Check out the free delivery!  Check out how happy your kids will be with a washer and dryer and don't forget the Xbox and Big Screen TV!! 

At Aaron's we're all about helping Good People live their dreams, as long as their dreams include having an apartment filled with ridiculously overpriced used junk which literally sucks money out of the pockets of those Good People and keep them in a ruinous debt spiral!

Remember, Aaron's is Easy, Beautiful, and....something else.  Can't remember what that other word is, but don't you worry your empty little head about it!  And do NOT watch this investigation by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation into EasyHome, a company TOTALLY DIFFERENT from Aarons , those guys are just haters!  They don't love you like we do! 

Friday, May 31, 2019

Expedia: Air Sickness Bags not included?

Ugh, I can't be the only person on the planet who gets seriously nauseated from the camerawork in this commercial.  Whose idea was it to do all these zoom-ins, zoom-outs, and wipes?  Got some malicious psychopaths working in your ad department, Expedia?

Meanwhile, I can't imagine caring less than I do about the people in this ad.  They want to get away- so they get away.  Good for F--ng them.  Not good for us, because we've got to experience their fun getaway with dizzying-for-absolutely-no-reason cinematography which just left me queazy and mad.  I'm like that enough already, Expedia.  Don't need any help.

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

Born Free to be a clueless, inconsiderate jackanapes

So according to this commercial, having insurance means feeling perfectly free to be a completely oblivious jackass douchenozzle who simply couldn't give a flying damn about anyone else.

In a matter of seconds, while this idiot is singing "Born Free" at the top of his lungs (an act which should be a capital crime all by itself) he's backing into a parking space barely missing a set of parked motorcycles- but that's not the really criminal act he's committing here.  He might be frightening those bikers but as long as he doesn't touch them or their bikes, the driver is doing nothing wrong there.

Nope, the BIG issue is the fact that he's parking himself only inches from the driver's side door of a car parked in the next space.  That driver will NOT be able to exit from the driver's side door- if he just parked, he's going to have to slide over to the passenger side to leave his car.  I'm consistently amazed at how often I see this situation in parking lots, and I'll never understand what goes through the alleged minds of people who will do this.  Seriously, what if you returned to your car to find that you could not get into it from the driver's side because some sociopath parked his car three inches from your door? 

And the singer in this ad doesn't even HAVE to pull this crap- he could just pull in head-first.  Oh, but then he'd be eye-to-eye with the other driver when he opens his door and puts a nice gash into that other car, or when he acknowledged that no, there actually ISN'T enough room for that car here, better keep looking for another space?

Nah, just back in there, buddy, that guy next to you was just leaving- or, at least, we can assume he was just leaving, because that's more convenient.  And if he WASN'T just leaving, and he had to crawl on to the roof or hood of your car to exit- well, I guess that's why you've got that insurance. 

Monday, May 27, 2019

Another Memorial Day, another BS "Salute to the Fallen" presented by AMC

..because for the umpteenth year in a row, AMC presents the theory that the only way to properly Honor the Fallen and Salute our Vets is to air a marathon of War is Awesome films featuring a parade of actors who managed to avoid actual service.

I am quite certain that what every veteran wants is to be "honored" with a day of explosions, machine gun fire, barked orders and oddly bloodless deaths dotted with faux-patriotic monologues delivered by the likes of John Wayne, Cary Grant, Steve McQueen and Marlon Brando.  Because what those old guys love more than anything else is being reminded how awesome those Best Years of Their Lives were-- except of course for the friends who didn't come back.  Well, they aren't watching television today so I guess it doesn't matter.

So here's another day of manipulative tripe, conveniently presented with plenty of long commercial (bathroom) breaks which turn those 2.5 hour films you saw in the theater to 5 hour marathons.  "The Longest Day," indeed.  But it's all for the Greatest Generation, so it's totally worth it.

Volkswagen's Just Sign Here Sucker Deal is back again!

1.  You're at the dealership, about to sign a stupid lease contract which will hand the guy across the desk from you thousands of dollars a year for several years.  And you're going to get up and get your own coffee?  To heck with that.  Put the pen down and tell the car monkey to go fetch you and your significant other the coffee.  And tell him to step on it.  You haven't signed yet.  You can turn all of the time he spent on you into a great big waste by simply walking away.

(Oh, who am I kidding- if you're one of the characters in a car commercial, you're begging to be sold a car and all the power is in the hands of the salesman.  I slipped into Real Life for a moment there.)

2.  Yeah, I'm sure the Sign and Drive Deal really does go that fast- don't want the customers to look too hard at the bottom line, after all.  Sign Right Here and No Money Down, so easy you'll be driving off in "your" new car before you even know it, don't worry about the fine print that's just boilerplate don't she ride nice though?

(And you get to enjoy this feeling of getting Something for Practically Just Your Signature for a week or so before the bills start showing up like homing pigeons*- for tags, title, registration, tax, and the first month's payment.  But that will be a fun week with your Felt like You Were Getting a Steal car, won't it?)

*Speaking of pigeons, I hope they enjoyed that coffee.

Sunday, May 26, 2019

A Seriously Damaged iPhone Ad

Hell, it may just be the worst iPhone commercial ever.

Never mind that, it might be the worst commercial for ANYTHING ever.

I mean, seriously- it's sixty-eight seconds of this horrible obnoxious woman chuckling, then giggling, then laughing at loud at the "inside joke" on her phone screen.  She's in public, probably surrounded by people who have to be there and therefore have to listen to her act like a sociopath pretending she's the only person on the planet- but that's ok, all that matters is that she's got her phone and she's got her privacy.  Everyone else in her vicinity? F--k them, they don't matter.  They can leave.  And if they can't leave?  F--k them just the same.  They are just going to have to listen to this lunatic make a nuisance and total ass of herself Because She Can.

Did Apple think that this commercial would go over well with the audience?  Well, perhaps not- comments are disabled.  I imagine some of the comments would have been on the racist side.  Maybe even most of them.  But I have to believe that a lot would have just pointed out how obnoxiously dumb this mess is, and how nobody should think it's ok to act like this demented woman in public.

It's all about privacy?  I don't get that message at all- if I heard this woman behaving like this, I wouldn't have even the slightest curiousity concerning what she was watching.  I would be too busy wondering what the hell became of civilization, and why there are never any heavy mallets available when you need one.

Saturday, May 25, 2019

OnStar gets right what Geico got horribly wrong

I guess that if this were a Geico ad it would open with a CGI deer giving a high-five to another deer in celebration of causing a horrific accident that nearly cost the life of a human being because that's so LOL funny.

Because it's an OnStar ad, it just shows an actual deer drinking water in a calm manner, probably because it's pea brain hasn't processed that it's successful crossing of the road had any impact on a car or the person driving it....because those are concepts way, way beyond the ability of that pea brain.

In other words, the deer in this ad is acting like a deer, while the squirrels in the Geico ad act like....well, like scummy human beings, proud of themselves for possibly colluding in the murder of a human being.

Speaking of that human being, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she isnt partially responsible for her predicament because she was driving too damn fast on a forest road, because animals can jump out at you very quickly and cause accidents even if you aren't driving over the speed limit.

Friday, May 24, 2019

A few rather obvious questions for the cops in this OnStar Ad...

If the police were capable of calling OnStar and having the service "slow down" the stolen car, why did they wait until they saw a kid in imminent danger of being hit by the stolen car to actually UTILIZE that service?

What if the car thief had driven on to a sidewalk and killed a kid?  What if he had smashed into some parked cars?  What if he had done any of a hundred other potentially deadly things he could have done while the police were casually tracking the stolen car from a safe distance?

While we're at it....OnStar can actually cut the power of equipped cars, not just slow them down.  Why didn't the police ask OnStar to cut the car's engine once it was within sight?  What if the stolen car had not slowed down enough to avoid hitting this kid?  First thing I would have asked in court was "why did you ask OnStar to slow the car down instead of cutting it's power?  You could have saved a life if you had done that very obvious thing."  The second thing I would have asked was "how long did you intend to just follow this stolen car?  Where you waiting for it to run out of gas, or kill someone, or what?"

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

So, Pringles....who IS this kid's daddy?

I mean, I can't be the only person out there who thinks that when mom says to her son "that's not really daddy," what she means is that the guy this kid THINKS of as "daddy" is not actually his biological father.  But as long as the kid THINKS that guy is "daddy," well, that's fine with Mommy, she's going to celebrate with some Pringles.

The important thing is that the guy who is paying for that house and everything in it keeps believing that he's daddy in every way.  Got to keep up appearances, because there's no Second Act for a TrophyWife.

Sunday, May 19, 2019

Random Thoughts about this old Ensure commercial

The woman in this commercial has a refrigerator which includes fruit (some of which has no business being ain a refrigerator, but never mind...) yet reaches for a bottle of water, sand and artificial flavoring while wearing a big smile which reads "I'm so happy I'm about to drink this sludge, yay me!"  Seriously, WTF?  Why not finish off that....lemon?  Grapefruit?  Um, you didn't even put that in a bag, woman- what do you think that's going to look like after a day in a dark refrigerator? 

Oh wait, apparently the light never goes out in this fridge.  That's annoying.  Is the light really turning off in my fridge?  Now I'm getting paranoid.  This is going to keep me awake.  I mean, I'm not concerned about the food in my fridge being bullied by a bottle of Ensure, becasue I don't have any Ensure in my fridge, or food for it to bully for that matter.  But is that light turning off after I've fetched another can of Diet Coke?

Oh, and that fridge looks to be the size of a walk-in closet.  Maybe that's why she's so happy- it's not a refrigerator, it's that extra room in her house which is kept unusually cold for the food products that live in it.

The Ensure bottle has taken it on itself to make sure that the woman who bought it stays healthy and proceeds to banish unacceptable foodstuffs to....the crisper, I guess.  I mean, tha's what's at the bottom of my refrigerator, so I assume that this one is designed the same way, even though it is about eight times larger than mine.  Come to think of it, I've never had anything in my crisper.  I should make sure my fridge actually has one. 

Wait, where was I?  Oh yeah- the woman put a corndog and a cupcake and a jar of mayonaisse in her fridge, but they don't pass "mustard" (sorry, I couldn't resist) with Field Marshal Ensure so out they go? And which bottle of Ensure is in charge- there are several bottles there?  Do the other bottles just sit there and wait to carry out orders? 

Saturday, May 18, 2019

MLMs are the bane of YouTube, but pure gold for me

Every. Other. Commercial. on YouTube is some guy jacked up on speed standing in a mansion or (more likely) in front of his Maserati and Trophy Girlfriend waving his hands and telling me in a manic voice how he made five million dollars in six months selling stuff on YouTube and went from being a college dropout dishwasher living in mom's basement to owning everything worth owning on the planet.

In reality, there's no "Amazing Secret" to making money in a Multi-Level Marketing scheme.  It's actually very simple.  I'm going to share it with you because I'm Just That Kind of Guy- the kind that isn't satisfied being Super Rich and Successful but is so Big-Hearted that I want everyone to experience the kind of lifestyle I've come to experience, never mind that it would make no sense economically for everyone to be rich Shut Up Hater.

Here we go:  First, work is for suckers.  Don't do it.  Remember the Three F's:  Family, Friends, and Facebook.  Mine them for people who A)  are naturally inclined to want to help you out, B)  are greedy/stupid/gullible, and C) are desperate enough to believe anything.  You find enough people like this, and you are definitely on your way to that first Million.

These are the people who are going to do the work.  Explain to them how the company you work for sells Amazing products nobody else sells- products that are so Life-Changing that once people are introduced to them they are hooked for life and will shove fistfuls of money in your face to get more.  Sign them up and you'll get a percentage of all their sales while doing no real work yourself.  Doesn't that sound awesome?

Second, be prepared to deflect the complaints of your Family, Friends and Facebook recruits when they can't sell even five percent of the overpriced crap they purchased after you assured them they'd sell like crazy Without Any Real Effort On Their Part.  Tell them they just have to Believe in Themselves.  Tell them to Have Faith.  Tell them to recruit more people and then dump those essential oils, supplements and home-flipping DVDs on them.  Tell them how disappointed you are that you went out of your way to Present This Opportunity and now they are Being Negative How Dare They This is So Sad.

Third, keep your soul in cold storage and don't ever let it out for exercise.  I mean, what did it ever do for you?  Did it get you that first five million? 

Fourth, make an ad like this on YouTube.  Be sure to include the House, Car and Girlfriend the MLM made possible.  And don't forget to rant like a freaking lunatic because I guess that's convincing for some reason. 

Enjoy your New, Prosperous Life!  Glad I could help!

Friday, May 17, 2019

Another Made In America Work from Home Selling Not Much Sales Pitch....

You can be proud to work from home for PC Matic, because at least it's not fake anti-virus protection from the boiler rooms of New Delhi.  Nope, it's good old-fashioned home grown junk for your computer.  USA! USA!

I wonder if we're supposed to believe it's legit because it's expensive- $49.99 per year, according to my research (see link below.)  Based on the reviews, I'm not going for it- but I'm not a computer expert and I don't review anti-virus programs or anything else.  I just snark on commercials.  And this one is pretty vanilla:  Trust PC Matic because it's Made in the USA.  Work at home for PC Matic because your bosses are Americans.  Etc, etc.

Strikes me as kind of a two-fer:  Not only is this an ad for Probably Ineffective if not Damaging "antivirus protection," but it's also pitching another "make good money working from home" scheme which seems to account for at least 90% of Youtube ads these days.  So both the customers AND the employees have an opportunity to get the royal shaft.

I just figured something out.  The real reason why this doesn't pass the smell test is because "PC Matic" sounds a lot like "MyCleanPC" and "FinallyFast" and a lot of other fly-by-night Your PC Is Filled With Viruses Take Our Word For It Go Online and Download Team Viewer and Give Us Control Because We Popped Up on Your Screen "services."  Maybe try another name, PC Matic. I suggest Patroit Clean PC or American Eagle Antivirus or Freedom PC.  I also suggest you hire some rugged ex-sniper Navy Seal to sell your product instead of this creepy old guy.  But what do I know about marketing.

Here's the reviews.  Not all that surprised this page doesn't allow comments after seeing this:

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Smarmy Disembodied Voice pretends Capitalism is a Revolution. I'm going to get a lot out of this series

There are two things I want to happen in this ad:  I want the woman staring at her phone as she crosses Times Square to get run over by a car, and I want the woman with the "edgy," "don't f--k with me I'm making money with money" look on her face as she walks away from an exploding car to be taken out by a flying shard of glass. 

And then I never want to see this stupid, manipulative tripe aimed at the people who are too smart to fall for "make $4000 a month working at home with Amazon" scams but too full of themselves to avoid ego-stroking "you're too smart to be part of the herd in the market" crud like this.  But since there's a lot of these ads on YouTube, I expect I am going to see more of them, and they'll be getting more than a little play time here.

Sunday, May 12, 2019

What DOES happen when you see the Geico lizard wearing "The Infinity Guantlet" or WTF-ever?*

1.  Paid shills claim they lost control of their bodily functions when they saw this ad.  They claim this on YouTube, thankfully using fake names so as not to shame their parents.

2.  Unpaid losers post exactly the same thing; that is, when they aren't repeating lines from the commercial becasue that's the go-to when you can't think of anything to write yourself but still want to post in the comment section for a YouTube video.

3.  Nobody anywhere asks even once what any of this has to do with insurance.

4.  America gets a little dumber.

5.  Donald Trump's chances for re-election become more and more obviously good.  Why?  See #4.

*based on the comments, I'm assuming that "the infinity gauntlet" is some macguffin that pollutes the Avengers movies, which are themselves apparently infinite.  Don't know, don't care even less.

Saturday, May 11, 2019

GoodRx Strikes Again!


"Kate" is a "hard worker" (check out the coveralls and the hard hat) who has insurance but still pays too much for medication for herself and her son.  She's arrived at the pharmacy to pick up the medication prescribed for her kid, which costs $67 (of course.)  Except that she already knows in advance that there's this thing called GoodRx and she's already downloaded it to her phone.  This allows her to put this stupid triumphant look on her face after her kid runs off with his meds and convinces her to fold her arms and stand in the middle of the pharmacy as if she's just conquered the world.

Like "Linda" in a previous ad, there's clearly not a whole lot of Positive going on in Kate's life.  She's on meds, and her son, who seems to enjoy just hanging around all by himself just outside the window (if you can figure out what he's doing out there, please feel free to drop a comment) just wants to get his medication and get on with his life but he's being delayed by mom and her Celebrate Every Victory weirdness.  This is one kid who looks forward to Dad's weekend, I'll bet.

Friday, May 10, 2019

More fun with GoodRx

1.  This guy just jumps Linda as she's heading to the pharmacy and starts hitting her with questions about that perscription he Just Happened to Notice she's got there in her hand.  I guess he just hangs out around pharmacies looking for people holding bits of paper which kind of look like they were torn off of prescription pads?

2.  Isn't ambushing total strangers on the street to pimp for some service more of a Verizon thing?

3.  The guy then asks Linda how much she thinks her medication will cost.  Well, that's rude- how does he know she doesn't have great insurance that will pay for the medication?  Why does he think this is his business?  And anyway, the answer is $67.  Because in GoodRx commercials, the medication ALWAYS costs $67.  I think they just keep using the same cash register shot over and over.  It's kind of weird.

4.  Having been told about GoodRx, Linda confidently approaches the pharmacy counter, hands the prescription to the pharmacist, and announces that she has a coupon before she's even told that it costs $67.  The pharmacist responds "good coupon," and not what we all know she would actually respond- "um, ok.  We'll have that filled for you in between 3 and 5 hours.  Do you want to wait or pick it up tomorrow?"

5.  Linda ends the commercial by giving herself a personal high five. Because there's not a whole lot going right for Linda these days.  I mean, she's getting assaulted on the street by intrusive spokeschoads who assume that she's got crappy or no insurance and must watch every dime, and she sees a coupon for some drug as scoring a serious victory over The System.  I suspect that Linda does cartwheels every time the 7-11 cashier informs her that she's scored a free Big Gulp.

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

Just a few quick questions about this Entyvio Commercial

These people with overactive bladders which are keeping them in the bathrooms while the world goes around them finally seek help from their doctors, good.  No problem with that; that's how it should work.

But when they are finally in that little room with the table covered in paper and that old-timey scale, they tell their doctor their problem and...then what happens?  Apparently the doctor excuses himself, goes into his office, and comes back with a tablet on to which he's downloaded a commercial for Entyvio.  Because....the doctor can't just TELL his patient about the drug he wants her to try?  This guy is billing some insurance company $300 for his time, which consisted of him listening to the patient describe a symptom and then downloading a freaking commercial to show her?  Why does he do this?  Is it because he knows that the patient is more likely to take the advice of a 20-second ad she sees on a flat screen than a guy who actually went to med school?

Maybe that's why he comes back with the commercial-bearing tablet:  "I understand that you're reluctant to begin a regimen which includes a drug with all kinds of nasty side effects.  So here's TV to calm those fears.  You trust TV.  TV would never lie to you.  I'm just a doctor, don't take my word for it.  Here's your Electronic Second Opinion."

Sunday, May 5, 2019

For some reason, I'm going to talk about Tomb Raider today....

Tomb Raider (2018) "starring" Alicia Vikander is a reboot of a moderately successful film series which ran from 2001-2003 which was itself a spinoff of a very popular series of video games.  The video games featured a number of female voice actors, the original films featured Angelina Jolie in the starring role, and the newest version, as I've noted, "starred" an inexplicably popular mannequin named Alicia Vikander.

I caught this film on HBO the other day and I just have to make a few observations concerning why I found this film so insulting and dumb and am not at all surprised that it was a box office failure:

1.  In the opening of this film, we see the character of Lara Croft engaged in a kickboxing contest and even though she's beaten she looks pretty tough.  I assumed that the purpose of this scene was to establish Lara as a hard-as-nails type who can definitely take care of herself.  Boy, was I wrong, as we'll see later.

2.  Turns out that Lara Croft is a lowly bike messenger who jumps at the chance to earn money by participating in a dangerous bike race through the streets of Large City.  Thing is, through flashbacks we've already been shown that just as with the Angelina Jolie version, this Lara is heir to a massive fortune, she just has to sign some papers to get it.  She's holding back from signing for reasons we're about to get into.  Meanwhile, she's willing to risk her skull to go after a small cash prize because She Needs the Money except we know she doesn't.  I bet several of her fellow bike messengers could legitimately use that money, Lara.  Maybe stop pretending to be poor?

3.  Lara doesn't want to sign the papers declaring her missing father officially Dead because she's convinced he's just missing.  Never mind that signing would allow her to inherit his massive wealth, which she could then use to go out and find her father.  If she believes Dad is really alive, of what benefit is she to him as long as she's scraping by as a bike messenger?

4.  When Lara gets to Asian Port Stock Footage Location, she's instantly accosted by three young boys who steal her bag.  She runs them down and gets the bag back by putting one of the boys in a headlock, but then runs away when another boy pulls out a knife and threatens to cut out her tongue.  Angelina Jolie's version of Lara would have beaten up all three boys without breaking a sweat.  A few minutes before this scene we saw Lara holding her own in a kickboxing match. Vikander's version shows panic, runs away, and needs to be rescued by Drunk Asian Boat-owning Stereotype.  You go, girl!

5.  Lara escapes the Evil Men on the Mysterious Island by Jumping off a Cliff into a Roaring RiverTM, barely escaping going over a waterfall by clinging to the ancient ruins of a downed airplane.  The plane looks like it's been perched over the waterfall for at least a decade- yet within seconds after Lara pulls herself into the rotting fuselage to escape the Roaring River, it begins to disintegrate under her feet.  Seriously, WTF?  This plane has survived floods, storms, probably thousands of tree trunks crashing into it, and has remained perched over that waterfall- but when a 110-pound woman is added to it's bulk, it begins to dissolve like a graham cracker in milk?

6.  The Breaking Into The TombTM scene is pretty much a poor retread of Indy's final journey to reach the grail in The Last Crusade.  Except not as interesting, because....

7.  Alicia Vikander.  I'm sorry, can someone explain this person to me?  She worked in Ex Machina because she played a soulless android.  But in every other film I've seen her in, she's continued to play that same soulless android.  Her expression never changed in two hours of Jason Bourne.  And she shows all the range of a garden gnome in this waste of time.  Did she ever actually act in anything?

The latest Tomb Raider was supposed to launch a new series of films, but it returned only $274.7 million at the worldwide box office- oddly enough, the exact amount of cash generated by the 2001 version, which means that it was a significantly less successful film and that the franchise is probably dead for good (I don't think that 1990s nostalgia is going to come back in twenty years.)  So I guess I won't be complaining about any sequels in the near future.  Which means commercials will have to stay terrible to keep this blog going.  I'm not worried.

Saturday, May 4, 2019

Call me Unpatriotic, but...

....the dial on my BS meter snaps right off whenever I hear someone refer to themselves or anyone else as "patriots" or puts the words "Patriot," "Liberty," "Freedom" or "American" on their products.  Maybe it's just me, but this level of buzzword patronizing just screams "manipulative selling technique."

We're supposed to take this guy's word for it that this solar cell phone battery is terrific because after all, he's an ex-Navy Seal, used to make his living shooting people, and wrote a book.  None of which has anything to do with expertise in collecting, storing and releasing energy, but gosh he sure looks rugged and he's a Fellow Patriot, so....., sorry, no.  I'm sure that there are good solar-powered cell phone chargers out there, and I think it's something that would be helpful for pretty much everyone to own because after all we spend so much time away from charging stations (like the ones that decorate our walls at home that we used to call ELECTRICAL OUTLETS.)  But if this particular version works well, then sell it to me by explaining the physics involved, not by expecting me to just buy in to the claims of a Manly Man who starts right off by attempting to stroke my ego by calling me a  "fellow patriot."

BTW, the giveaway that this is just probably just another Late Night Overpriced Junk Trinket product comes when the guy discusses the "extras" that come with the charger-it includes a flashlight setting with strobe feature (gee, that's a great feature for an item that is supposed to be collecting power to charge something else, huh?  Law of Thermodynamics, people,) a keychain with a tiny compass attached, and a CHARGING CABLE (in case you are home, or somewhere else where you could just plug it you do with your phone

I'll go ahead and watch the review now; that's only fair.  But nothing in the review will change the fact that this company is using symbolism and slogans instead of science to sell their product.  Lame.

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

The TacAmplifier: One of few good reasons to watch the CometTV channel

You only get awesomely snarkable commercials like this one for a cheap hearing aid way up the dial, which is why I will ocassionally tune to GetTV.  No, I don't really want to watch Knight Rider or Good Times or really crappy old movies like Young Guns II.  But in between scenes from this crap is pure comedy gold in the form of these awesome commercials, so I'm glad the channel exists.

"In the woods you need every tactical advantage..." you'd think that having a gun and wearing camoflauge would be enough "tactical advantage" against an unarmed animal, but you'd be wrong- you also need EagleEye Blue Light Blocking Sunglasses (available on another commercial) and Superman-level hearing if you REALLY want the edge against the grazing herbivore you're hoping to take down and earn your man card with.

Know what's really great about this hearing aid?  No, it's not the super-low cost-- so low that you probably will not be able to resist getting an ADDITIONAL one to share with a friend (ick, I really hope you're just going to GIVE that friend the additional one, who wants a used hearing aid back?) just pay Seperate Shipping and Handling.  It's the fact that no one will even know you're wearing it- never mind that it's slightly smaller than a billiard ball and you can see it quite clearly in the ears of everyone wearing it in this commercial. No one will know you're wearing it.  Not the other people in your dinner party, not your elderly spouse, and certainly not that four-legged prey that doesn't even know it's involved in a contest with you.

Sunday, April 28, 2019

PragerU presents "No True Socialism," Denmark Version

Lots of people think that Denmark is a Socialist Paradise.  But they're wrong, you see, because Denmark isn't Socialist at all.

And how do we know that Denmark isn't Socialist?  Well, for one thing, you can own private property in Denmark, unlike in those actual Socialist Countries.  And you have freedom of the press in Denmark, unlike in actual Socialist Countries.  And political dissenters in Denmark aren't rounded up and caged in gulags or shot- like in actual Socialist Countries.

In other words, since at PragerU "Socialism" means "Government ownership of everything, no freedom, political prisons and armed guards murdering people in the street," Denmark can't POSSIBLY be Socialist.  Because Denmark doesn't have that stuff.

Neither does France, Spain, Italy, Greece, Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Canada....all countries PragerU has labeled "Socialist" in the past.  But those countries are different Because Reasons.  Actually, not Because Reasons.  Because PragerU can't put together a consistent, honest argument - that's for it's Master's program, probably.

Meanwhile, it's inevitable that PragerU will eventually take aim (no bad pun intended) at the restrictive gun laws of the European Union, which includes....well, non-Socialist Denmark.  So Denmark is a happy, free country which makes it all but impossible for the average citizen to own a firearm.  Since Denmark is NOT Socialist, and IS successful and happy, that must mean that restrictive gun laws fit well into a Capitalist society that is both successful and happy.  Right, Prager U?


Saturday, April 27, 2019

Since it seems like Flo has been pimping for Progressive since the 80s anyway....

So Progressive Insurance's constant scrambling to find something to do with it's aging spokeschoad has lead it to tweak America's Eighties Nostalgia bone, huh?  How else do we explain this steaming lump of stupid?

I'll admit, it's a pretty cute idea and more clever than most of the pointless dreck insurance companies have been coming up with these days.  But that's not saying very much at all, since insurance company commercials have been the black hole of advertising for as long as I can remember.  So this is slightly better than watching the AFLAC duck or a CGI pig or a camel walking around an office begging people to tell him that it's Wednesday.

It's still at least 20 seconds too long- as usual, we GET THE JOKE way before the ad is over.  And it still provides absolutely ZERO information about how much Progressive Insurance costs or what it actually covers.  Remember when tv ads actually made an effort to educate the viewer concerning the product being sold?  Me neither, actually.  I'm not that old.

Friday, April 26, 2019's weird slice of life

1. No way this guy owns a pet.  I mean, look at that house.  That's a bacteria-free zone.  Seriously, you could synthesize medication in that house.  Animals?  No freaking way.

2.  Get a load of the super-enthusiastic operator.  It's like she never had any aspirations higher than helping some jackass on the other end of the line buy pet food.  That's just sad.

3.  "What do I do with all this old pet food?"  Holy crap, can you take care of any problems yourself, ridiculously clean man in ridiculously clean house with pets?  Seriously, what is wrong with you? 

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

Jason Bond put the "Bull" in "Raging Bull," but he's far from alone

These Make Money Fast By Investing/Flipping Houses/Shopping on Amazon/Selling these Vitamins YouTube ads took no time at all to descend into the quagmire of almost laughable cliche, did they?

Here's Jason Bond and his minions taking private jets to visit their beautiful mansions in Miami while aggressively Selling the Dream of living Just Like This if only you Believe in Yourself and follow This Simple Plan.  This time the Simple Plan involves using This Proven Method to buy penny stocks with the Jason Bond Raging Bull Formula.

I wish I could muster even an ounce of sympathy for the people who plop down anywhere from $1500-$3000 for an hour-long seminar which promises to unlock the mystery of becoming a Millionaire using this Take Your Pick It's So Easy I Just Want To Share My Secret With You strategy.  But as someone who actually works for a living- and realizes that the only way I'm going to have a successful retirement is through saving and investing and being very careful with my money- I just can't.  I really have nothing but contempt for you idiots, because if you can't see through this nonsense it's kind of a mystery how you managed to get any money into your pockets in the first place.

So instead, I'll just let you in on a little secret, which is the little secret all of these people are trying to sell you but which I'll hand to you for free:  Every single one of these scammers actually has the exact same method of making money without work.  And it involves convincing suckers to open their wallets and empty it into their bank accounts.  That's it.  Whether the veneer involves house-flipping, stock market tips or selling bottles of nothing called "essential oils," it's all about getting other people to hand you money in exchange for basically nothing. 

That's it.  Where's my check?

Sunday, April 21, 2019

5-hour energy is the Wizard Oil of the 21st Century

5-Hour Energy snake oil now comes in even more convenient, even smaller ("portable") bottles with the same amount of energy (zero) you've come to expect in the classic size.  So here's all the energy-boosting capacity of a caffeine pill at roughly 2000 times the cost!  Come and get it, idiots!

Meanwhile, the who guy became a billionaire by generating and marketing this nonsense  has now launched a new venture- the Free Electric System.  He wants to put an electricity-generating bicycle into every home so that everyone can produce their own "free" electricity- everyone who is willing to break the Law of Thermodynamics, that is.   You see, Stupid People Who Think This is an Awesome Idea, there is really no such thing as "free energy."  To "create" energy by peddling a bicycle, you have to CONSUME energy first.  So, in fact, you aren't "creating" energy at all- you are just transfering the energy from sugars to electricity.    You have to eat food to do that.  So the electricity you are "creating" is hardly "free."  Get it?

This guy hopes you don't, and he's probably right.  After all, he sells millions of little bottles of Practically Nothing at what breaks down to about $40 per gallon.  For the same amount of caffeine as you find in a typical cup of coffee and a trace amount of vitamins.  Because, as PT Barnum allegedly once said, "nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public."

Saturday, April 20, 2019

Mavyret makes illness sound so #cool and trendy

What is it with all these people referring to their serious disease as "Hep C?"  I'm pretty sure that if I ever contracted a potentially fatal disease I would not feel compelled to give it a trendy, peppy-sounding nickname.  But these characters do it ALL THE FREAKING TIME- they have "A-Fib" and "Hep C" and other conditions they describe in a way to make the viewer sound almost jealous.  Gee, I wish I was cool enough to contract one of these life-threatening illnesses!  But woe is me, my liver is just too damned healthy!  I feel so left out!

I suppose I could try sharing needles or having some tattoo work done in a dirty parlor somewhere- that's the source of approximately 60% of all "Hep C" cases.  I should stop complaining until I've at least put the effort in, right?

Friday, April 19, 2019

This Good2Go customer is bitter because her carbon footprint is so small

"My shift is over, but not my day...." because this woman is about to take the subway and then a bus to get home.  She's doing this because, as in all Good2Go commercials, she has a car but not insurance (she doesn't say so, but I think it's safe to assume that she doesn't have car insurance because she can't afford it.)

(Thing is, she's working at a diner- chances are, she doesn't have health insurance, either.  Shouldn't that be a priority here? Anyway...)

I guess we're supposed to sympathize because instead of enjoying the convenience of bumper-to-bumper traffic, high gas prices, and all the little (and sometimes not so little) expenses that pop up when you own a car, this poor woman has to take public transportation which includes a subway (which means she skips a lot of that traffic.)  She can read a book or listen to music while someone else does the driving, but this is somehow a Royal Pain compared to driving a car which is going to be constantly sucking money out of your pocket.  Poor girl, I hope she gets insurance real soon, looks like her life is a real hell on earth.

In the final scene we see that she has picked up barely-legal Good2Go insurance, and now she can skip the subway and train and get back to the Good Life- sitting in traffic, buying gasoline, getting this fixed and that fixed, constantly one bad decision away from a massive repair bill, etc.  What a great happy ending for her.

Two quick points:  First, seriously, what is your problem, woman?  You've got public transportation that costs far less than owning a car and carries none of the risks.  Yet you own a car you can't drive.  Why not sell your car and take that public transportation and watch your bank account grow? I did exactly that on September 15, 2013.  I know I've saved $1200 a year on insurance alone- but then again, I bought actual insurance, not this Good2Go crap.  Gas, repairs- who knows how much I saved on those items, but considering that if I use public transportation to get to and from work every day the cost comes to about $30 a week, I'm quite certain I've come out way ahead.

Second, when is Good2Go going to make even ONE commercial featuring a white single mom or dad struggling with car insurance costs while trying to feed the kids or get them to a doctor?  Why it is that every single Good2Go ad featuring white people shows them as young, single and employed while every one featuring black people shows them as single parents living in poverty?