Friday, November 22, 2019
Apparently this god-awful insult is a reboot of last year's model, which I somehow missed. Judging from the comments on YouTube, it was received with fury then, and I can see why.
So this Pretty Young Couple is enjoying life and the Holidays in their spotless, enormous Suburban Palace, and it's time to exchange gifts. The young lady who I guess isn't a TrophyWife since she looks about the same age as her husband gives him-- um, an Apple Watch, or something like that. Not exactly sure what it is, just that it's small and she got herself one too. Oh, and she got one in black and one in red, and the guy picks up the red one and says "I love it."
(Considering what happens, I think what he really loves is that she has totally bought into the "I'm getting myself something while getting you something" mindset, because he did the same thing. He doesn't even LOOK at the gift she got him- clearly, he doesn't care what it is any more than I do.)
So he announces that HE got something for her and something for himself, too- so they go outside (and we get another view of that ridiculous house) and he reveals that he somehow managed to get two huge trucks parked (ostentatiously pointed into the street, naturally) without Wife noticing. She LOVES the....black one, even though it's quickly made clear that he intended the red one for her and the black one for him. And this is where the Viewer Rage kicks in. And I can't say I'm surprised, because it's where my rage kicked in, too (I was just resigned and irritated at how Pretty these people are or how Stupid-Big that house is.)
See, the stupid idiot guy went out and spent $100,000 or more on identical-model trucks that are exactly the same in everything except color, and his Otherwise Absolutely Perfect Life is marred because his Even More Disgusting Than Him wife insists on taking the truck she KNOWS he wants. He's stupid for not announcing "I bought us trucks- red for you, black for me." He's even dumber making this purchase without discussing it with her first, but that's just par for the course in car commercials these days- GMC, Buick, and Lexus just figure that this is what people do in December- they buy each other cars that cost more than the average full-time American worker makes in a year. And he's Most Dumberest of All by not simply saying "um, no, the red one is yours- if you want it in a different color, let's just go down to the dealership and trade it in, sure it will cost the instant depreciation but come on it's not like we care about money, I mean, check out the house."
Maybe this guy figures he'll rescue just a little bit of his dignity by putting his foot down and demanding the black Apple Watch. That'll show her!
Or maybe he's already plotting out his revenge- next year, she's getting a Peloton bike. That's always a nice, subtle little reminder that there ARE trophy wives out there who are younger, prettier, and maybe just a smidge less entitled when Sugar Daddy brings trucks home for the Holidays.
Tuesday, November 19, 2019
It's not as easy as creating a Facebook Group, but in the long run it could be a lot more effective....
Feel sad because this woman "just got deployed" and won't be spending Christmas with her family? Well, you could join a Facebook Support Page and share Thoughts and Prayers and then go out to collect piles of lights and decorations and even take down a tree (I think this is the "Do Not Attempt" part- because nobody should ever attempt to chop down a tree unless you're an Officially Licensed Tree Chopper-Downer, I guess) in order to create a fake "Christmas" scene both outside of the family's house AND INSIDE AS WELL ("how did this happen?" As in, "how did this Holiday MiracleTM take place, and not "how did these people get into our house and do all this while we slept, and who gave them a key, and seriously what the actual hell is happening here I thought this was about YOU missing Christmas, not all about us?") You could respond to a woman being deployed for the holidays by assuming that meant that her homefront-bound family was going to go without decorations and a tree because Dad can't do any of this stuff without the soldier of the family around (can someone explain this to me? Did she always do all the decorations so it can't be done without her? Seriously, someone help me out here.)
You could do all this stuff from the comfort of your keypad, and in the end you'll get a bunch of photos which will allow you to share the Awesomeness of your Great Big Heart with all your "friends" on Facebook and which will help you forget that your MLM lost another $1600 this year and, once again, you kinda sorta forgot to give any money to that food bank and soup kitchen in your own home town (but seriously, where's the glory in THAT?)
But while you're doing all that, how about voting for candidates who won't support the ridiculous knee-jerk over-extension of America's military? After all, the United States is currently at war with absolutely no one. Anyone even care why this woman was suddenly deployed at all, never mind just before Christmas? Where's the compelling interest being defended here? Whose freedoms are being defended by this woman? What Vital Strategic Interest is being served by having Mommy on the other side of the planet instead of with her children?
Sunday, November 17, 2019
1. "One thing I love about Disney, its that everyone can be a princess."
WTF? Why would anyone WANT to be a Disney princess? Disney princesses are, with very few exceptions, Trophies to be on the screen to have dreamy eyes and look pretty while they wistfully imagine being saved by a Big Strong ManTM. If you think that's something worth aspiring to, please don't have kids. Especially daughters. But no sons, either. Don't have sons. Don't have kids at all.
2. "My TV is pretty much always playing a Marvel movie..." expand your horizons. You are an infantile rut. I mean, at least you didn't say "DC Comics" movie, but obviously that wasn't going to happen because we all know who owns Marvel. Still...you have a Peter Pan complex and you need to stop bragging about it and start getting therapy for it.
3. "Star Wars is everything. It's my life" says a little kid who is way too young to be making such "deep" observations about himself. And his father is standing right there, listening to this. Red Flag, dad. Not something you should be chuckling at- especially if early whispers about The Rise of Skywalker are to be taken seriously.) Especially since this kid isn't old enough to have seen anything but the last two abominations in the theater. If THOSE films made Star Wars "everything" to him, well...I mean, they weren't the Prequels, but still....
(OMG I'm nine seconds into this thing...)
4. Another adult is telling us how her favorite Disney Princess (we're back to that again?) is Pocahontas. Ok fine, maybe you saw it when you were very young, and she's the first-ever Princess of Color and that appealed to you, never mind that it followed the same tired Magic Natives Talking to Trees and Animals bit we've seen in a dozen other (racist) films.
Anyway, I'm done. The Patriots are on, I've got a stack of tests I must return to students tomorrow, and I'm assuming that at any moment I'll be told that my report card comments aren't QUITE good enough and need a few minor revisions, shouldn't take more than a couple of hours...I'm out.
Saturday, November 16, 2019
This is one of the most unintentionally hysterical commercials out there, and that's saying a lot.
I mean, look at what's going on here: The manager of a Domino's Pizza franchise gets a text message that tells him a recently delivered box of bland dough and sugary sauce topped with limp pieces of meat was "not quite up to standards." He takes this "very personally," and acts exactly as if he's in command of an Emergency Care Unit rushing to the scene of a road accident.
"We're going to expedite this order!" another franchiser who would be on suicide watch if she stopped to think for just one moment what she was panicking about announces to her staff of high school dropouts and college students struggling to keep food on the table while getting that degree. Because no matter what else is going on in that "restaurant," nothing is going to take precedence over dealing with the immediate tragedy of some taste-deprived loser in the 'burbs not getting exactly what they ordered on their Crap in a Box pizza.
"It might be a missing dipping sauce, it could be a wrong topping or it arrives cold..." yes, the Crisis could be any number of First World Problems that is a minor inconvenience to the customer but must be treated like a Life or Death matter to Domino's because....well, because if it's not Life or Death, we might stop to think about it for a second and blow our brains out.
At the end of all this nonsense, we see delivery monkeys literally roaring through the streets in their vehicles before sprinting up steps to hand over pizzas like they are transplanted organs being rushed into surgery. And then we get the response of the stupid fat hicks who can't believe that they are being treated like f--ng royalty by a company willing to whip its employees into a frenzy to gain a competitive edge over PapaJohns, Little Caesars, Pizza Hut, etc. etc. ETC.
In the end, I really do think that this should be a network tv drama. Let's see the pain and anguish that comes from a crew of pretty young people who, try as they might, continue to occasionally fail to include mushrooms on that order or- distracted perhaps by a love triangle involving a cashier- miss a street and end up delivering the pizza at room temperature, resulting in a panicked Race Against Time to replace it during (lets say) a torrential rainstorm. Let's use plenty of handheld cameras so we get a real sense of the pressure involved in getting just the right cup of dipping sauce out of the fridge and getting into the box with the Free This Month Only bottle of soda included and to that house in Bumblef--k USA before some arbitrary deadline that I guess exists because re-heating isn't an option. I'm so ready for this, Network Television. You've got a built-in sponsor . Go for it!
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
In the winter of 1978, I was sledding on a hill near my house at night and went straight into a partially snow-covered barbed wire fence. Part of the fence cut into my neck. If I hadn't been wearing a heavy collar, I might have bled to death that night, at the age of 14.
In the fall of 1983, I lost control of my grandfather's Volkswagen Beetle and rolled it four times before crashing into a stone bridge. No seat belts. If I missed the bridge, I would have plunged into the creek, maybe being crushed by the collapsing chassis of Germany's Finest in Engineering. That was the day after the Orioles won their last World Series. I was 20.
In the summer of 1990, I almost drowned off the coast of New Jersey. If I hadn't managed to find an emergency rescue rope stretched out into the ocean, I might not have been able to pull myself out of the water. I might have drowned that day, at the age of 26.
What I'm saying is....several times in my life, I had the opportunity to permanently avoid being subjected to this commercial, and I blew it. No one to blame but myself.
Sunday, November 10, 2019
First, let's all celebrate that the Tac Visor was "inspired" by the flight helmets used in AMERICAN fighter planes; if I'm going to buy something from a company which regularly uses an American Flag and an American Bald Eagle as its logos, I want to be sure that whatever that flimsy joke piece-of-crap item wasn't inspired by some flight helmet being used by some Commie flying missions over Syria or Vietnam or wherever!
Second, if I watch this ad without thinking too hard, it appears that the Tac Visor is actually a really cool super-thin HDTV you strap to your car's standard visor. When you get sick of driving toward that nuclear blast, you can pull down the HDTV and watch a movie about a truck blaring its horn as it drives by. I suspect that it's not a good idea to get too into that movie, though, because that seems to be the only scene available on the Tac Visor. Maybe there are other scenes available just pay Extra Shipping and Handling?
Then I see the scene where we have a big truck surrounded by - chains, cables? Seriously, what?- and facing a big white screen. A woman is asked to look at the white screen, and she sees nothing. Then the Tac Visor is pulled down and for once its not showing that scene with the big truck blowing its horn. Instead, it's showing an advertisement for the Tac Visor. Mind. Blown
So I guess if you are driving toward an H-bomb testing site and you have really bad timing, you should definitely get one of these Tac Visors so you can shield your eyes with part of a movie about a truck blaring its horn- maybe a digitally remastered version of 1971's Duel, or something. Seems like you'd be better off just avoiding that area, or maybe putting on a pair of sunglasses, than making yourself more distracted by watching TV while driving, but that's just me.
Saturday, November 9, 2019
I am not a dog owner. In fact, I'm not a pet owner at all. And I will never understand the attraction of owning a pet.
But I know a lot of pet owners, including dog owners who own several dogs of different breeds. As near as I can tell, they all get along with each other just fine. Which is something I never thought about until I saw this ad, which suggests that basset hounds only run with their own- or, maybe, that other dogs are bigoted toward basset hounds and won't run with them? I'm just trying to figure out who the ridiculous snobs are here.
My guess is that the bigoted jerk in the ad is the basset hound owner and, by extension, all basset hound owners. This guy sees that there are no other basset hounds in the park so he goes to Facebook and either starts or joins a page dedicated to the interests of basset hound owners. Before you know it, we've got a wonderfully exclusive, segregated party going on at the beach featuring a large number of basset hound owners and their dogs who I'm guessing are running around barking and making messes that their owners will let the tide take care of. Can't be sure because comments are blocked for this video, something I find completely unsurprising because wow this is stupid.
Thursday, November 7, 2019
1. If this guy is regularly losing jobs ("they have to move again..") why does he keep buying houses instead of renting apartments? How often have they had to move, anyway? That little girl looks awfully frustrated and angry, like it's a regular thing. So what's with the constant purchase of houses? Maybe if they just rented a nice two-bedroom apartment, they'd have enough financial stability to stay in the same area during a prolonged period of unemployment for dad?
2. Somehow both the dad and the little girl know that the chirping noise on dad's phone twenty feet away means that dad's going to be employed and they don't have to move after all? How do either of them know what that chirp means? How did the little girl even HEAR the chirp through the door?
Monday, November 4, 2019
...and proceeds to interrupt everyone else's fun by showing how awesome she is when she's the star of a commercial and she- and everyone else- is following a script which requires her to be absolutely perfect at everything while balancing a beer with one hand. A beer which, by the way, she either never drinks or keeps having refilled between shots.
I just don't understand commercials at all, I guess. But know what I understand even less? The triggered white male losers who go insane over ads like this and let us know they've lost their minds by posting comments on YouTube.
Sunday, November 3, 2019
So this woman is a married to an over-the-top Mets fan even though she "secretly loves the Yankees?" So they never talked sports during the entire time they were dating, though those dates must have included Mets games if he's such a huge Mets fan? Why has she kept this secret to herself until suddenly deciding to share it with anonymous neighborhood kids showing up for Halloween, anyway? Oh right- that house. That's a nice house. And this is going to sound mean, but...this woman isn't what I'd call TrophyWife material.
You're doing the right thing, lady. Keep that Yankees love to yourself.
BTW, why the heck is this kid wearing a Yankees uniform as a Halloween costume? Is this Boston? Because if that was the joke, it doesn't work anymore. Through most of this century, the Yankees haven't been especially terrifying to the Red Sox.
Saturday, November 2, 2019
Some years back a little girl named Selena Gomez was in the right place at the right time with the right look when the Disney Channel was casting for a stupid tv show about a family of wizards. I'd say the rest is history, except that I teach history and I have way too much respect for the subject to go there.
And because Ms Gomez had- just barely- enough vocal range to be turned into a salable musical commodity with the right tech support, she's able to sell out the KFC Yum! Center and other high-end venues and "perform" in front of audiences of teen girls who have yet to develop any taste in music or anything else. Fine, I'm not one to knock anyone's hustle- but for chrissakes, who cares if someone whose entire career is looking good can be made to look good by the new iPhone?
Friday, November 1, 2019
I have the World Series on with the sound off, so I watched this stupid nub of an ad for crap beer without the background music that more than one total loser in the YouTube comments was desperate to track down (after a month, he managed to locate the song, which I'm sure made him happy for a few seconds in his otherwise pointless, sad little life.)
Without sound, it appears that a greasy creep saw a hot and inexplicably dateless girl standing in front of the jukebox and decided to just walk up to her, show her how cheap he is/how terrible his taste in beer is, and demonstrate that he's already out of ideas by using his own bottle of beer to turn up the volume. She finds this charming, of course. Naturally. I mean, it's television.
Inside of three minutes, she'll figure out that this idiot has absolutely nothing to offer her beyond a bottle of cruddy beer, and he'll figure out that she's just as much a void, which is why she decided to drape herself over a jukebox and respond to the first guy who offered her a drink with a "ooooh aren't you wonderful" smile and body language that makes me wonder if she has a skeleton. I'm sure they'll be very happy together.
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
...which has absolutely NOTHING to do with Medicare except that the extremely popular government program is being used to create a veneer of respectability on to yet another scumbag insurance company seeking to prey on the elderly and the ill-informed.
Let's imagine that I'm the owner of one of these fly-by-night barrel-scraping plagues on humanity; how would I go about using the criminally under-regulated airwaves and the Rendered-Toothless-By-Forty-Years-Of-Reaganesque-Laissez-Faire Legislation Federal Trade Commission to pry money out of the people who have highest level of anxiety and lowest level of information among the populace? Well, first I'll use the word "Medicare," because no matter how little the average Senior Citizen Daytime TV viewer knows about federal assistance they are ALL aware of Medicare and practically all of them derive benefit from it. As I wrote in the first paragraph, the mere mention of Medicare creates an instant bond of trust between the company that purchased the commercial and the viewer:
"Oh, he said Medicare. I know Medicare works. I know it's totally legitimate. And I can't read those little words that say 'not affiliated with any government program, so I'm going to just listen to the nice man with the earnest voice tell me something about Medicare and I'm very much inclined to accept what he's saying because he started off by saying Medicare."
(It's very important that I call my company something like "GoMedicare," or "MedicareAdvanced," or something official-sounding like that- I'm using the word "Medicare" so it must be legit, the government would totally NEVER let anyone use the word "Medicare" unless was some kind of official program- except of course for that disclaimer that the viewer couldn't read and also remember that toothless FTC thing.)
(While I'm at it, I'm going to put something that looks very much like an official Medicare card on the screen, because that's also very familiar to the viewer and will make him think this is totally legitimate.)
Then I'll remind the elderly viewer that Medicare is limited in what it will pay for- something most people on Medicare already know. Medicare is awesome but it includes co-pays for prescriptions and doctor appointments and hospital visits. So now I'll suggest that if they use my program they'll get BETTER Medicare- motorized scooters and wheelchairs, private hospital rooms, etc.- and it will just cost them a few extra dollars a month, so worth it to bring those Medicare benefits up to a Level They Deserve, right?
I will not EVER use the word "insurance" in my ad unless it's connected to the word "Medicare." "Medicare Insurance" sounds ok, but I think I'd rather just call it "GoMedicare Benefits," because "GoMedicare" sounds just like "Medicare" and absolves me of any responsibility if the viewer failed to get the difference (which I am hoping happens a lot.) Plus, seniors understand they are entitled to "Benefits" already- telling people who are already getting benefits that they are entitled to MORE benefits is totally plausible.
In the end, I'm selling junk insurance to the elderly by piggy-backing onto the popularity of Medicare. "Call now and see if you qualify?" If you already qualify for Medicare Benefits, why would you not qualify for GoMedicare Benefits? Because you aren't calling to see if you qualify for Medicare Benefits, but if you qualify for a policy with an insurance company called GoHealth which never- not even once- tells you it's name in any of it's ads. Or that it's website home page is devoted to "helping" people qualify for "ObamaCare" (old people get shafted by tv commercials, younger people get conned online thank you very much.) And in the end, I'm just trying to scoop as much money you can't afford into my own pocket because I'm just a soulless creep who had his empathy surgically removed with his wisdom teeth.
Sunday, October 27, 2019
So in this Nissan ad, we see that TrophyWife's job 24/7 is to protect her daughter from her mentally deficient Child-Husband and his determination to remain a giggling preteen when playing with their offspring. TrophyWife has resigned herself to respond again and again with exasperated shrugs and occassional "WTF?" looks in response to Boy-Man's dangerously clueless attitude toward safety when it comes to his daughter.
(Though, seriously- I think TrophyWife might be a bit anal when it comes to her daughter's safety. What exactly did she think would be the horrifying consequence if Daughter had crashed into the kitchen trash can?)
BTW, why doesn't TrophyWife just do the driving if her husband has proven again and again that he's a dangerously useless moron when it comes to...well, just about everything? Is it because Women Don't Drive When Hubby Is Also In The Car Because Reasons? Oh no wait, I know the real answer: It's because Hubby can't screw up and give Mommy another reason to grimace, roll her eyes, or otherwise express her bemused disappointment at his inability to do ANYTHING right if Mommy is doing the driving.
One more thing: Seriously, what is it with this guy? From one angle, I see a guy who seems to be suffering from some weird mental problem which prevents him from doing anything but grinning and laughing, like he's a very small boy trapped in the body of an adult. From another, I see a Father enjoying the time he's spending with his daughter who he recognizes as being made of actual flesh and bone and not crystal and therefore refuses to share his Insane Harpy Wife's constant fear that daughter will suffer injury if not kept perfectly still and wrapped in cellophane. So What the Serious F--k, Nissan?
Saturday, October 26, 2019
Wait a minute, I'm confused! Which is to say, I can't quite believe what I'm seeing here!
As near as I can tell (and again, I'm sure I must be mistaken,) this commercial features a young couple making a friendly bet on a game of mini-golf. That part I actually have no problem believing. I'm sure this happens. But what happens next is totally bizarre- the GUY LOSES THE BET TO THE GIRL.
I mean, seriously, really? A girl besting a guy in an American TV commercial in the year 2019? If that's what really happened here, what's next? Snow in January? Fireworks in July? I dare not guess!
Friday, October 25, 2019
1. Who the hell has a "favorite State Farm Agent?" Who has a "favorite" insurance agent at all?
2. What kind of horrifying crapshow is the life of Aaron Rodgers if he "takes his favorite State Farm agent wherever he goes?" Man, if you have to bring your insurance agent along with you everywhere, you probably should be locked up as a chronic danger to society.
3. Rodgers is also constantly checking his policy on his State Farm App in these commercials- another huge red flag. Good lord man, what the hell are you doing that requires you to constantly check on the status of your freaking insurance?
4. When are Packers fans going to get sick of every season featuring endless Aaron Rodgers Insurance Ads but no Aaron Rodgers in the Superbowl? Seriously, guys- priorities. Is Rodgers insured against consistent failure in the playoffs? I'm sure he doesn't know offhand. Time to check that App for the 300th time today!
5. There's a "Subscribe" button for State Farm Insurance Commercials. Who the hell would subscribe to be notified whenever another one of these steaming piles of dumb is released on youtube? As if being beaten over the head with them all weekend during every football game isn't enough?
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
Hmmm...just a thought: Maybe if this kid with stupid greasy hair wasn't just sitting or laying around his parents' house with a stupid blank zombie look on his face, his parents wouldn't have jumped to the perfectly reasonable conclusion that he was being an unmotivated sponge. Maybe they wouldn't have been so frustrated if he had been oh, I don't know, doing his own laundry or vacuuming or just TALKING TO THE PARENTS WHO WERE PROVIDING HIM WITH A PLACE TO STAY, MEALS, AND LAUNDRY SERVICE instead of acting as if moving back into your bedroom meant that you also got to revert to being a helpless child who needed caring for again.
Based on the way this commercial ends, I guess the parents are supposed to feel super-guilty for ever doubting that their stupid little spawn was actively looking for work by staring at his phone. Like they owe him an apology for being irritated that their adult son was being totally uncommunicative about his job-hunting strategy. Like they should have just ASSUMED that he was working really, really hard to land that position that would allow him to go back to being a functioning adult.
But when you really think about it, um, No. This creep is being an ungrateful little ass toward his parents. He spends the entire commercial behaving like a guy who thinks his parents should be able to read his f--ng mind and somehow just KNOW he's working really hard to get the hell out of there (and ignore the silence, that stupid blank look frozen to his face, and that awful greasy hair.) Also, he doesn't get a job at the end- just invites to attend interviews. I know from experience that interviews don't pay the bills. Hold off on that apology, parents. And for chrissakes, stop doing this jagoff's laundry for him.
Monday, October 21, 2019
Every once in a while, I'm reminded of how lucky I am to have been born at a certain time in the past century, watch very little television, listen to very little contemporary music, and am therefore more or less immune to these "wow, look at this Currently Popular Celebrity Doing Very Mundane Things Right Out Here In the Open" commercials.
Whoever Gordon Ramsay is, I wouldn't bat an eye if he handed me a free food sample at the Giant up the road from my house, just like I wouldn't bat an eye if Taylor Swift handed me my coffee at Starbucks because seriously, who the f--k are either of these people? Well, of course, they are Celebrities who are supposed to Know Stuff by virtue of being Famous for doing things that have nothing to do with what they are currently trying to sell me on the TV.
And while we're at it, I'd love to tell Samuel L Jackson where he can stick that Capital One Card. If he ever shows up around my Credit Union, I'll be sure to do it- assuming I recognize him.
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Remember back in February when this was just a cute re-occurring concept for a series of Superbowl ads, and not something that you were being battered with every few minutes, hour after hour, for committing the crime of wanting to watch football?
Anyone remember the last time an ad agency came up with a clever concept and just viewers kind of enjoy it as a nice, inventive little surprise instead of responding with a knee-jerk "oh, you liked that? Well here it is again, 400 times over, until you want to blow your brains out whenever you see it pop up on your screen" series of Here We Go Again commercials? I seriously can't. In my lifetime, clever concepts on tv get beaten to death, then the bones get beaten, then the dust gets beaten, and then the dust gets buried for a year or two....and then the horse is resurrected to get beaten all over again for Nostalgia's Sake.
Given the history, I suspect we'll be seeing this "What Night is Laundry Night" bit go on for quite some time. Peyton Manning will keep showing up to bleat nonsense about Official NFL Declarations concerning when I'm supposed to do my laundry (think Peyton Manning has ever done laundry in his entire life? Think he knows where the washing machine is in any of his houses? Me neither) and the drooling YouTube monkeys will gulp it down and claim to want more when they aren't begging to know where they can download the background music. Other NFL "legends" will join in, until this Tide Ad campaign has had more official spokeschoads than KFC has had fake Colonels. Eventually it will dissolve into a wall of white noise for even the OMG I LOVE THIS AD glue-sniffers and disappear from the airwaves, though I imagine that'll be 2024 at the earliest. Then it will rise from the dead like Paul from Sprint to remind us the Good Old Days when we thought we liked this noxious, steaming little cowpie of an ad campaign.
Oh, and Peyton? You showed up in every other commercial while you were still an active player. Nobody misses you, because nobody's been given a chance to miss you. I'd like that chance, please.
Friday, October 18, 2019
1. So this woman was actively searching for another position while employed by her current company....maybe if she had been a little more focused on her job instead of searching for a better one, she would have been considered valuable enough to earn a promotion?
2. This looks like a pretty serious company- this woman better hope she doesn't have some kind of non-competition agreement which prevents her from going to work for that place that wants to arrange an interview?
3. This woman sure looks confident that she's going to get a job that she's just now learned about. Was she just as confident when she joined this firm that she'd be getting regular advancement in exchange for hard work (I'm assuming that when she isn't looking for opportunities to quit, she works hard?) If she does get the job over the six-foot-two white guy also being interviewed, is she going to keep floating her resume out there every time someone else gets promoted over her?
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
I bet you let yourself get fixated on the fact that two people who are supposed to be in "FRANCE 1780" are interrupted in their discussion of carriage prices by a guy with a Circa 2019 SUV. And yes, that's really really stupid. But it's not the brain-dead insulting part of this ad.
That comes closer to the end, when the SUV-owning jackass yells across the square that he got a GREAT PRICE and, when challenged for evidence, waves his phone and yells "IT LITERALLY SAYS, GREAT PRICE!" Ah, ok, why didn't you say so? The App on your phone says Great Price, MUST be a great price otherwise how could the ad get away with saying so?
And the two people who overpaid on their...um carriages- quickly concede the "point." Because as I mentioned earlier, they've been given Absolute Proof the other guy got a great price 'cause it Says Right There on his Phone.
Ok, done. Bring on Robespierre and start the clean-up job on these twits please. Because the Revolution can't succeed as long as France is burdened by this level of mouth-breathing gullibility, can it?
Sunday, October 13, 2019
Got a little brat in your ridiculous palatial suburban mansion who won't eat her veggies? Don't model healthy eating, that's too hard. Don't make her eat her vegetables- that just creates disharmony in the household (and, as I learned in a song featured in the film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, there's nothing more important than peace and quiet in the household.)
Here's a better idea- just give the kid something she'll eat with a big smile on her face, because Big Smiles and Contentment is what it's all about. If that means tossing the veggies into the garbage and letting her eat macaroni saturated with fatty orange goo, well, fine. Eventually she'll like that fatty orange goo so much you might even get away with pouring it on her veggies and getting your Little Angel to eat them, too!
Then you all can sit in your ridiculous glowing-clean dining room and give each other huge satisfied grins, as if anyone but that awful picky brat actually accomplished something of value. The little girl here certainly DID learn a valuable lesson- throw a fit, raise mommy's stress level- and she'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day.* Dad? Well, dad just wants a quiet house. He couldn't give a damn what his daughter eats or how his wife deals with daughter's little tantrums, as long as it's all done by the time he walks into his Castle expecting a decent dinner. He's not particularly thrilled that TrophyWife is serving him Kraft Crap In A Box as well, but we often get less than what we pay for.
Saturday, October 12, 2019
I'd like all these spoiled brats to go die in fires, preferably after being in horrible accidents in their cars- oh, excuse me, I mean in their Buicks. Can they do that?
At the very least, I wish the guy who forgot to lock his car (I'm not playing this game) already had it stolen or vandalized, as it's clearly been hours since he left it (seriously, he's somewhere off the coast, and his car (f--k you, Buick) is parked ostentatiously on the top level of some parking garage at an airport? Maybe not even in the same country? WTF?)
And the woman who tells Alexa to start the car- umm, may I ask why? It doesn't look like it's cold outside. Or warm. So what's the point of starting it before you get out there? Afraid your carbon footprint isn't large enough, lady? Or is it just another case of "I'm doing this because I can and I want you to know I can?"
Either way, I'd refer you back to my first request.
*We are approximately six weeks away from December to Remember Lexus ads. Sorry.
Wednesday, October 9, 2019
In the sick, perverted fantasy world of Taco Bell, thousands of people stand in line like lemmings who've been told that their destination is a store selling the newest iPhone to buy whatever greasy piece of faux-Mexican food trash they deign to serve up this week.
As if this commercial wasn't dumb enough on it's face- and it is (I mean, seriously- how many hours are these people standing in line to purchase a taco dusted with cheese? It's CHEESE, people- not gold. Not the newest iPhones! CHEESE! And pretty much exactly the same kind of cheese you wipe on your pants after eating a bag of Doritos! Seriously, people!) we have the spectacle of a woman commenting on what she just waited on line for, purchased, and is now eating as she walks out the door (I actually find this rather believable. Anyone dumb enough waste a day they'll never get back to buy a handful of greasy meat wrapped in a giant Dorito is certainly dumb enough to express amazement over the concept seconds after the purchase.)
Here's what I don't get, though: Why is the product featured in this SNL ad from six years ago not on the menu at Taco Bell yet? I mean, Taco Bell is owned by Kentucky Fried Chicken, the people who brought us the Sandwich with deep-fried chicken in the place of bread. Surely they can figure out the physics of a taco-pizza-crepe-pancake combo. I'd stand in line for that!*
Sunday, October 6, 2019
1. If you can't deprive yourself of football for one day a year to attend a friend's wedding, send the invite back with the "NO" box checked and send a gift. Don't show up, eat the food, and sit at a table staring at your phone during the festivities like the self-absorbed douchenozzle you know you are. Just stay home with your football game. Everyone else will have a great time without you. Hell, they'll have a BETTER time without you.
2. If you go to Buffalo Wild Wings, please don't act like the guys in this commercial who act as if they are afraid that if they actually eat the wings instead of attacking them, the taste might catch up and they'll realize they aren't eating actual Buffalo Wings like the kind you can get at actual sports bars from Buffalo to Pittsburgh but rather bland, mass-produced chicken that's just fine if you want lots of finger food during a football game but nowhere near good enough if you've experienced the real thing.
3. If you work for the ad agency that makes these commercials, please ask yourself why you think that potential customers need to be yelled at in every. Single. Buffalo Wild Wings Ad. Because we don't. People who enjoy the prospect of sitting in the Olive Garden of Sports Bars for three hours watching The Game (any game) on a big screen tv while eating barely-seasoned chicken and guzzling down pitchers of equally bland brand-name beer don't require this level of angry hype, and people who have taste won't respond to it anyway, so why not just skip it already?
Saturday, October 5, 2019
I mean, you'd think that Apple and Sprint would WANT to soak in the adulation from the viewers who just love the idea of trading in their old iPhones (iPhone 7 or younger, in ANY condition and we mean ANY condition, ANY!) and also love the excitement just oozing like gangrene pus from these two chipper young people!*
Or maybe Apple and Sprint are well aware that they put together a complete Hot Mess of an ad which would inspire the average viewer to dive for the mute button much more than hunting up their old iPhone and heading off to the nearest Apple store to sign another economically ruinous contract in exchange for a marginally nicer and newer phone than the one you crippled your bank account to purchase six months ago.
*I'm being generous by calling Paul a "young" person- he's 48- but it might be more descriptive to just call him an easily-purchased whore for whichever company is willing to hand him a check, a description many would consider harsh but I don't think anyone could argue is inaccurate.
Friday, October 4, 2019
Some time in the very recent past a whole lot of advertising agencies got the idea that being as disgusting as humanly possible was the best strategy for selling a product. Don't offer information about your product, don't tell the viewer why your product was superior- hell, don't even tell him what your product IS. Just be as stupid and gross as you think you can get away with (and that's a line that's getting harder to hurdle every moment,) slap that crud on tv, and there you go, you've got yourself a commercial that will get attention.
Negative attention, but attention.
This clip includes two commercials for something called "Postmates," which I'm going to guess is just another food delivery service. I'm not at all sure why Postmates decided that the best way to sell their food service was to
1. Hire a tax cheat as a spokeschoad. I mean, come on, really? Martha Stewart? Why do I care what Martha Stewart is pimping? She's a crook. I associate her with ripping people off. Why would I buy anything she rents her name to? And
2. Take away any semblance of an appetite I may have had before either ad hit the air. The first one is dumb and gross. The second makes the first almost passable by comparison. Almost.
BTW, check out the second guy's apartment. I don't care about him in the slightest. I hope he went for the penthouse, because that just means it's all that much farther to the pavement However, I'm really kind of stunned we don't see any blood. Given the classiness displayed in both ads, I'd expect to see LOTS of blood- like, spraying everywhere, including all over that laptop screen. Wouldn't that have been even MORE funny, Postmates?
Wednesday, October 2, 2019
See, everyone? Taylor Swift is just like you and me, performing low-paying jobs badly and having a good time doing it, because if she gets fired well like I said she's just like you and me and she'll be doing her best to make ends meet while she seeks out another low-paying job.
Yep, it's just so adorable to see multi-millionaires slumming it to the delight of their fans, doesn't it? Maybe Taylor can show up at my school and teach a class or two, failing adorably at that, too. It would make her even more gosh-darned relateable, if that's even possible. Meanwhile, there's seriously nothing more delightful than watching someone who makes more money in an hour than the people who actually work at the jobs she's cosplaying at make in a year pretending to be Just Another Struggling Laborer, don't you think?
Monday, September 30, 2019
Let's cut to the chase with this crap, shall we?
JD Power and Associates is a "Global Marketing Information Service." Which is to say, it conducts surveys of consumer satisfaction. I just thought I'd let you know in case you had become convinced that existed ONLY to give ostentatious glittering plaques to Chevrolet- after all, the only time you EVER hear about this company is when Chevy's obnoxious Eurotrash spokeschoad is bleating about it to bs "real people" who are busily drooling over some BlandMobile or Truck.
JD Power doesn't buy advertising to let other companies know who they are or what they do. They don't have to. They figured out quite some time ago that all they have to do is hand phony awards to Chevrolet, and Chevrolet will be more than happy to give them free advertising- which also benefits Chevrolet. Funny how that works, don't you think?
In fact, it's gotten so bad that in this particular commercial Chevy's played-out cretin spends the entire ad time praising...JD Power and Associates. There's really no selling of a Chevy product anywhere in this ad. Just this jackass with a Very Very Punchable Face telling us how very reliable JD Power and Associates' surveys are. JD Power and Associates after all talks to even more Real People Not Actors than the Just Die Already scruffy Chevy yakker does, and whaddyaknow those Real People consistently say they bought Chevys and haven't killed themselves yet so Chevy must be really high in customer satisfaction JD Power and Associates says so.
And while this scumsucking little knob is busy kissing the butts of the company that keeps handing Chevrolet impressive-sounding but ultimately meaningless awards nobody outside of Chevrolet's corporate offices gives one flying damn about, a group of ethnically diverse zombies proceed to to close in on him like he's about to provide instructions for committing mass suicide. Oh pardon me- I just envisioned a happy ending for this commercial.
Sunday, September 29, 2019
Take a look at the comments under this video- 90 percent of them include comments praising the "cute" and "adorable" turkey which gives them "the warm fuzzies." Judging from these comments, there are a lot of people who actually LOOK FORWARD to these ads- I'm assuming because they are very small children trapped in the bodies of adults.
But maybe I'm being a little unfair. So I'm going to intersperse dialogue from the commercial with snippets from actual YouTube comments (please feel free to check out the commercial and the comment section yourself if you'd like to check for accuracy...)
Commenter: This is my favorite commercial. He just looks so calm and happy in his little puffy vest and hat, and I love his little head bobs as he walks. I dunno, it just gives me the warm fuzzies. :)
Commercial: "When you stop smoking with or without Chantix, you may experience nicotine withdrawal symptoms.
Commenter: I love this commercial and I actually look forward to this commercial coming onto the TV.
Commercial: "Stop using Chantix immediately if you start experiencing changes in behavior such as hostility, aggression, suicidal thoughts or actions, seizures..."
Commenter: I saw this commercial today and I thought it was so cute omfg 😭😭
Commercial: "Or life -threatening allergic or skin reactions..."
Commenter: This commercial is so clever , I love the intricate details. The turkey is so adorable I wish I could get one for a pet.
Commercial: "...increased alcohol use." Oh, and the fine print on the screen at this point adds "...a rash, peeling skin, or blisters.."
If you ever had any doubts as to why drug companies like Chantix use cute graphics, smiling people, outdoor settings and peppy music to sell potentially deadly drugs, this commercial should put them to rest for good. Almost none of the people commenting actually listened to the ad- they were too busy falling in love with a cartoon turkey. If they ever decide they want help in breaking the nicotine habit maybe they'll remember that awesome turkey that gave them the warm fuzzies and proceed to Ask Their Doctor if Chantix is Right for ThemTM. The potential side effects? What are those? If Chantix was dangerous, they'd have let them know, right?
One more Commenter: "He looks so happy and peaceful! It is cute as a button who wouldn't like this commercial. I don't understand the thumbs down from other people".
Yeahhhh....that's a good way to end this.
Saturday, September 28, 2019
When I was a kid, dinner from Kentucky Fried Chicken was a once-or-twice-a-year treat were were always delighted to see mom and dad bring home. It was so rare I can remember specific instances of having chicken and mashed potatoes and biscuits for dinner- who was there, how many pieces we had in leftovers and how we fought over them, etc. It seriously was like an extra Christmas.
And it was so good, I used to tell myself that when I was an adult, I'd eat Kentucky Fried Chicken all the time. Of course, I didn't know that they'd change the formula (to make it less fatty) so that it wouldn't taste as good thirty years later- or that the pieces would stop looking big and meaty and become shriveled and dark in the serving by the end of the 20th Century. Oh well, my arteries are far better off anyway.
Now, to this commercial- It's not Kentucky Fried Chicken anymore, it's KFC (because the Colonel is dead and his successors know that "fried" is not something we want to be reminded of these days) and Fast Food is not marketed as a Special Treat because there's nowhere near enough profit in that. So KFC doesn't just have big buckets, they've got sandwiches and $5 boxes and these bowls which are super-convenient for lunch hours if you don't mind dying of heart disease before you reach middle age (this bowl- which includes fried chicken, four kinds of cheese and is served "drizzling with gravy," contains 720 calories, 31 grams of fat and almost 2500 grams of sodium. I have no idea how anyone could eat this stuff and stay awake for the rest of the day, personally. I do understand why a little kid would dream of growing up and living on it. I don't understand how any adult could want to eat it, even once.
Thursday, September 26, 2019
1. One poster after another asks the same question: "What is this song?" Now, I'm aware that this is kind of a requirement of YouTube comment sections. Still. Come on. If you don't know what song this is, find out quietly, don't let anyone know you don't recognize it. Sure, you're using a fake name on the internet to ask...but still. Just don't do this.
(oh, and....Fleetwood Mac? Can I be charitable and assume you lost control of your song which I thought was the heartbreak that comes from discovering that your dreams do not mesh with the dreams of the person you were hoping to spend the rest of your life with? Can I?)
2. Except for a few very brief shots of this truck towing a camper and being filled with something dirty and brown, the Awesome Features being demonstrated are nothing more than a huge view screen and an automatic step (in another commercial, we're told this thing has 19 speakers. That's not a typo. 19 speakers. You know, so the big, tough, dirt-encrusted guys who drive them can enjoy their Very Masculine Music as they head back to the Ranch House. This is referred to as "Everything."
3. Fully Equipped, these trucks run upwards of $50,000. In other words, just perfect for the hard-workin' middle class they are marketed toward....right?
Sunday, September 22, 2019
This time we've got two weird dweebs who I assume live in a house belonging to one of their moms. I have to assume that because if this is their current apartment and they are worried about renter's insurance for a NEW apartment, I think I might just lose my will to live.
Anyway, one of the dweebs knows that Geico stands ready to ease their worry by "helping" with renter's insurance. The other- who has aquired a therapy pony (remember what I said about losing my will to live?) "didn't know that Geico helps with Renter's Insurance." What the Actual Hell is he talking about? Does he mean that he didn't know that Geico SELLS Renter's Insurance? Because selling policies is the extent to which Geico is willing to "help with Renter's Insurance." You know, like that grocery store up the street is willing to help me with my lack of food issues, and Seven-Eleven is there to help me deal with my severe caffeine addiction. So very helpful.
Every year, State Farm accepts and cashes a check from me to pay for renter's insurance. I'm so ungrateful for the help, not only do I never thank State Farm, but my agent sends ME a birthday card every year. I'm a disgustingly ungrateful human being.
I wonder- if one of these Napoleon Dynamite wannabees borrows money from Mommy to pay for Renter's Insurance, who does he thank for helping him? Mommy or Geico? Both "helped," right?
Meanwhile...therapy pony. I just want to die.
Saturday, September 21, 2019
What inspired this woman to drive like a dangerous maniac through her company's parking lot? A cup of crappy gas station coffee and a premade sandwich picked up for lunch.
In short, there's not a whole lot going on in this woman's life.
Sidenote: The next day this same woman drives a motorcycle to work and uses it to jump 22 cars before riding it right up the steps, using her coworker's desks as an obstacle course, and finally coming to a screeching halt in front of the boss's office, having found an extra hash brown at the bottom of her greasy McDonald's bag.
Friday, September 20, 2019
So all the people in this ad are such sad alcoholics that they regularly drank beer despite the fact that they couldn't taste it? What is it with beer ads these days that they are dropping all pretense at suggesting that their product is consumed because it tastes good and going straight for the "it's alcohol, you're life is crap and you need alcohol, so drink this crap constantly" message?
The ad starts with a public make-out session between two ugly people being interrupted by the sudden realization by one of them that she can taste her beer. This astonishes her- she isn't used to being able to taste her beer. She just drinks it because....she's thirsty? No. She just drinks it because if she doesn't the guy she's with isn't going to look good enough to kiss and besides, she's done spending evenings trying to pull those giant green spiders no one else can see off her face.
Oh, and check out the final few seconds of this commercial, where the scruffy loser wakes up his life partner- or the woman he found himself sleeping next to when he came out of his stupor- to let her know that he can actually taste his 2 AM buzz fix. Better yet, check out that woman- she looks like she's not sure where she is, or who HE is. Never mind "sad." This is getting downright depressing.
Thursday, September 19, 2019
(Before we get started, note that these boxes have lids which we never see closed, are overflowing to the point where the lids clearly cannot be used. In other words, we've got a case of Overflowing KFC Bucket Syndrome here. Well, Taco Bell and KFC are owned by the same company, so no trademark violation anyway....)
These boxes have 1130 calories, they contain the following RDAs for an adult:
92% of total fat.
55% of saturated fat
85% of sodium
So basically once you've eaten one of these things, you're done for the day. You've used up your RDAs for a pile of soggy chips and grease-infused beef nibbles from the hole in the wall down the street manned by high school students and an adult manager who wishes he were dead. Pass.
Sunday, September 15, 2019
First of all, if we're all Superstars, none of us are. I mean, do I really have to explain this?
Second- no, I'm not watching this. And I mean, not ever. If it isn't absolute brain-numbing crap, maybe I can be indicted for prejudging but I'll take that chance. For the next several months, Friday Night is for College Football unless I have a date. In other words, Friday Night is for College Football.
Not this....not this crap. Because this....this just looks awful. And not "The Connors" awful. No, this is "The Masked Singer" awful. There, I said it.
Nothing more entertaining than watching the fans of two irrelevant professional football teams trash-talk eachother, is there?
Seriously, the only thing these idiots should be arguing about is how many dozen people outside of Nashsville and Jacksonville intend to tune in on Thursday. I mean, it IS going up against Celebrity Family Feud with something named Tyler Blevins, after all. And that's just ABC!
This woman especially is being awfully mouthy in her support for a team which is currently 1-1 as it prepares to go up against a team which is 0-2. Meanwhile, the Jags fan seems pretty confident that his team is going to bounce back and win the conference....but that might be only because the Colts lost their star quarterback to retirement a few days before the season started? Either way, no reason to be crowing, buddy. And again, your team is 0-2.
You guys in Green Bay and Kansas City ever get sick of seeing your Quarterbacks spending more time pimping for State Farm than they do in playoff games? I mean, seriously- between these two guys I count 16 seasons of NFL football and exactly one Superbowl Ring.
Oh, but I guess that as Rodgers' career winds down and younger fans start to forget who the heck Peyton Manning is, State Farm must start to groom the next generation of Underachieving Star Quarterback spokespeople. So welcome to your new career, Mr Mahomes. Look on the bright side: the Brady Era can't last forever, and when it ends, that window of opportunity will open just a little wider.
Aaron Rodgers? Well, at least Max Kellerman still thinks you're better than Brady, even as he tells us Brady is the best of all time. Sound like a contradiction? Well, it's Max Kellerman. Enjoy his adulation, and your State Farm paycheck, and your one ring.
Saturday, September 14, 2019
...because seven years later, Lee Corso is still sucking oxygen out of every Saturday morning with his nonsensical dribbling over young men one-fourth his age, regularly interrupting to spew disconnected cliche'd BS because for some reason ESPN thinks he's still relevant in covering a sport Corso coached until his retirement in 1984. In other words, a sport Corso knows nothing about and has known nothing about for more than thirty years.*
Oh, but he's been doing this gig since the show debuted in 1987, so....well, no, that doesn't do it for me, either. Like Joe Paterno,** Lee Corso is here every Saturday morning because he always has been, never mind that he no longer does anything except suck up time from the braying jackasses who are trying to establish themselves as solid TV performers before ESPN finally admits that it's become an irrelevant antique in the Brave New World of the Internet and they are forced to find cameras owned by profitable networks. I guess he's just a familiar face- like Paterno, or Chris Berman, or (extending the analysis beyond football) Chris Matthews, invited back year after year because what the hell sure he's got nothing to say and no one can remember the last time he had anything to say but he's kind of an Institution and we viewers can always hit the mute button when he starts spitting stream of consciousness blather at the audience.
*Not that Corso knew a whole lot about football when he was a coach, unless you think that a lifetime record of 73-85-6 marks him as some kind of college football guru who ought to be given a 35-year-and-counting contract to ramble incoherently about the sport he had two good years coaching half a century ago.
**We all know that Paterno wasn't the actual coach of Penn State for at least the last ten seasons he had the title. He spent some entire games in the freaking owner's box "managing the game" by phone, for chrissakes. His absolute lack of involvement was his main defense during the abuse scandal. Yet every week he was the focus of commentary during every Penn State game, as he accepted praise for work being done by his assistant coaches.
"Ok Real Pickup Owners not Actors, this Chevy BlandMobile features the world's first invisible trailer."
Because all Real Chevy Owners Not Actors must act like mentally deficient box turtles whose moms lived exclusively on lead paint chips during pregnancy, one of them bleats "invisible," another remarks "so it isnt' the trailer sitting right here?" and yet another actually bangs his fist against the trailer with a "toldja so it's right here, I can see it and I just proved its right here you're gonna have to do that Chevy spokesman I got you this time" look on his punchable face.
Ah, but you see- it's not that the trailer is actually invisible, but that among the 500 camera options featured in Chevy's latest BS Electronics to Distract You From the Overall Crappiness pickup model is one that-- um--- basically photoshops the trailer out of the picture. Well, isn't that clever because now you can....um....wait a minute, what exactly IS the function of this camera option again?
Well, if you've got it activated, you can back up without seeing your trailer, which is really helpful if...you don't want to know how much room you have and are trying to smash up your trailer. Or if you're on the highway, it helps you forget you're hauling a trailer so when you change lanes you don't allow for enough space and you clip that car you thought you had ample room to pass.....
Come to think of it, I can't imagine why this Invisible Trailer feature would be anything but a stupid, dangerous option nobody in their right mind would ever activate. But it's new so I guess it's deserving of a commercial. And hey, it gives a group of camera-hungry choads another opportunity to kiss Chevrolet's butt for thirty seconds in exchange for a little tv time, so there's that, too.
Thursday, September 12, 2019
1. Assuming it's happening in 2019, this kid is told to shut his stupid piehole and stop trying to get himself on YouTube by blathering a cliche'-ridden pile of noxious drivel. OR
2. Assuming it's any time in human history, he's told to sit the f--k down because he's blocking the people sitting behind him who came to watch a game, not his fat face lecturing them on how to be good fans. OR
3. If this event is taking place in the 1980s, he's greeted with silence followed by the Slow ClapTM.
Monday, September 9, 2019
If not, can we expect to see the following commercials from Coors?
"The official Beer of waiting for the Ride On Bus."
"The official Beer of Drinking outside your daughter's daycare hoping to get a glimpse of her without your ex-wife finding out."
"The official Beer of drinking before heading off to church."
"The official Beer of drinking on your way back from the bathroom to the bedroom at 2 AM."
"The official Beer of Drinking before going in to the Funeral."
Let's just cut to the chase, go back to my original post on this awesome campaign, and call Coors the Official Beer of Being a High-functioning Alcoholic and get it over with, ok?
Sunday, September 8, 2019
Sitting down on the couch with your roomate, still in your bathrobe....and taking a beer out of a pocket of that bathrobe (which is where you always keep spare beers, in case you need one on your way back from the toilet in the middle of the night, perhaps?) and handing it to your friend before setting down on the couch for the 4-hour College Football Gameday show to start.....because fried eggs without beer is like waffles without vodka. Just doesn't work!
Not only is all this perfectly fine, perfectly normal....but as far as Coors is concerned, it's a great opportunity to grab that important niche market of weekend alcoholics and get their brand nailed down as "the official beer of Saturday Mornings."
I wish....I seriously wish this commercial came with a disclaimer, or at least a laughtrack, to let us know Coors isn't serious about this. But it doesn't, and they are. Coors is the Official Beer of the Early-Morning Hangover, the Official Beer of the 48-hour Drunk, the Official Beer of the Two-Day Stupor on your Couch...let's just cut to the chase, shall we? Coors is the Official Beer of the High-Functioning Alcoholic. And proud of it.
Seriously, Coors-- can you guys just go back to funnelling money to Right-Wing Republican candidates for high office, anti-abortion initiatives, and Think Tanks with the openly-stated goal of banning gay marriage? You know, like back in the good old days when of course you wanted more alcoholics but weren't willing to blatantly celebrate them in your tv commercials? Because this....this is really too much.
(BTW, I almost never post comments on two commercials in the same day, but I have this sneaking suspicion that Coors is going to experience a backlash from this one and it will vanish from tv and YouTube in a short time, so I have to comment before it enters the realm of "did I really see that?" myth.)
I guess the "joke" here is that the insane parents are becoming concerned that their son might be gay- I mean, what other reason could he possibly have for getting interested in Soccer instead of, you know, the only sport that really matters- College Football?
The lunatic mom even bleats some line about how it's "natural" for a kid her son's age to "experiment" with "other sodas," leading up to the nonsensical punchline- that the kid has been living in such a culty bubble of isolation that he was not aware that Dr Pepper was not the only soft drink on the planet. I don't know why the parents didn't just skip to the "we're worried about you because you've strayed away from the True Faith, the Church of Dr Pepper" instead of mocking interest in the most popular sport on the planet.
These "Fanville" commercials are a large and growing series on television these days, and they are especially ubiquitous during college football games. I can't be the only viewer who finds college-football themed commercials during college football games more than a little exhausting. Watching crazy graduates of Generic State bringing their sad desperation to cling to their College Glory Days to the level of badgering kids and neighbors to embrace unquestioning loyalty to State AND Dr Pepper (why are they connected? Meh, who cares?) in between actual college football games which feature more shots of lunatic fans making asshats of themselves leaves me depressed and bleary-eyed long before mid-afternoon games have even kicked off. Thank goodness for my XM Radio and mild walking temps.
Saturday, September 7, 2019
This is one of a series of commercials featuring these dogs and this bank. Let that sink in for a minute.
Ok, depressed enough? Then let's continue. Lulu and Lobo are sitting at the entrance of a Wells Fargo watching their owner doing something in the building they aren't allowed in for some reason. Because they are dogs, in real life they don't have the slightest clue what is going on or why there's this invisible shield between them and the other creature which feeds them because they have brains the size of walnuts. But because they are dogs on tv, they are telepathically speaking to eachother in human voices. And because they are dogs on tv in the United States, they are telepathically speaking to eachother in human voices speaking English. And because CGI is a thing, one of the dogs is moving his mouth while he's telepathically speaking. This is all happening mainly because Wells Fargo hates people so very, very much.
And because they are animals on tv they can deduce what is happening between humans in the bank- never mind that a six-year-old human child probably wouldn't understand, these animals know that the humans are negotiating a thirty-year adjustable-rate mortgage which will allow their human to move them into a house with a yard so they can live "the unleashed life" (please, just kill me now.) They get all this just by staring through the glass at the entrance door which never opens because nobody else attempts to enter or leave the Wells Fargo during the entire negotiation which BTW is taking place right there in the lobby of the bank and not in an office because That's Convenient. Oh, and the owner of these ridiculous dogs didn't bother to tie them up outside (or, better yet, just leave them home) but that's ok because they'll just sit there staring into the bank until she decides to come out (doesn't this mean that they are already living the "unleashed life?")
In the end, the girl makes the deal and she won't even have to explain it to the dogs (though I suspect he will anyway, because Dog Owner.) I don't know what happens in the other Lulu and Lobo commercials and I seriously don't care, because of all the stupid commercial memes that have been done to death over the decades none has been done to death more than the Pets Thinking and Talking like Humans bit, and I'm just not going to subject myself to any more of this crap. Instead, I'll just impose an instant boycott on every company which uses "talking" pets in its ads. And wait for Wells Fargo to pull the rug out from under Lulu and Lobo's human by jacking up interest rates as soon as it's federally funded risky investments collapse again and we all get to party like it's 2009.
Friday, September 6, 2019
So here's the cross-promotion we've come up with: A crappy, watered-down swill of a light beer only sad drunks on a limited income would ever buy on purpose, and an inexplicably popular HBO television series which finally ended roughly three seasons too late with a conclusion which left its most devoted fans simultaneously disgusted and outraged. Dilly Dilly!
(Oh, and the happy ending? Well, if you can get to the conclusion of this ridiculously overlong ad, you'll see that everyone in it dies horribly in a blaze of dragon fire. This is the way ALL Bud Light "Dilly Dilly" commercials should end, along with all commercials featuring Chevrolet Real People Not Actors, Cell Phone service, the Geico lizard and Peyton Manning. When the day comes that every one of THOSE commercials ends with the participants being roasted to death by a dragon, I'll be able to retire this blog. Looking forward to it.)
Wednesday, September 4, 2019
1. Why is this lizard intruding on a family camping trip? Did they invite him? And if so, why did they invite him? I mean, if they've ever watched any other commercial featuring the lizard in the past, they KNOW that all he's going to do is harrass them about the benefits of the Geico App until they crush him with a convenient rock, which I really wish they'd just do.
2. Why does this lizard think that the family would like to "manage their insurance" while on a camping trip? Seriously, who thinks about managing their insurance while out camping with the family? Do they even have a WiFi connection out there? Because guess what, no matter how cool that Geice Insurance App is, it's not going to work unless you've got access to the internet. And considering that I don't see anyone in this family using their phones here, I think it's a pretty good bet that there's no service where they are. Because it's 2019, after all.
3. Why does the Dad in this commercial care that the Geico's tiny bit of marshmallow is on fire? I'd be more invested in getting it to shut the f--k up about insurance during Family Time in front of the fire.
4. Is that Dad ever going to wipe that bit of marshmallow off his face? I mean, seriously- I know it's just a speck of marshmallow, and maybe it's not even hot anymore- but it's still a sticky bit of sugary sludge he KNOWS is on his face. Why doesn't he wipe it off? Is he really that dead inside that he doesn't care about it being on his face? Is he just so crushed by the lack of internet access that he can't work up the energy to wipe his face? Seriously, what the hell?
Sunday, September 1, 2019
What are the key words in this commercial? Rivalry. Hate. Obsession.
What are these words in service of? A company that sells flavored water in the guise of making children better "athletes," mainly by supplying that flavored water to every major league team in the country regardless of sport so that the brand name is prominent on every bench, box and bullpen and therefore burned into the viewers' brains before the official commercial (like this one) even arrives on the tv.
Want to be a better athlete, kid? Well, here's my advice- find a Rival. Find someone you think is as good as you at your chosen sport, or even better. Psych yourself into hating that person, because you can be damned sure that person hates you. Work harder- harder than you thought you could, because if you don't, that Rival is going to hurt you-- not just HURT you, that rival is going to BRING YOU DOWN and SHOVE YOUR NOSE IN IT. Remember the Golden Rule- "Do Unto Others, Before they Do You."
Eventually, that Hate you've used to motivate yourself to work hard at something you once enjoyed as an innocent game (man you used to be a pansy!) will make you a stronger person, which will allow you to survive your competition with that person you've convinced yourself is out to get you. Then you can move on from Hate to Repect (it's really natural and very easy, believe me.) And you'll even eventually move on to Love that rival-- yep, it's a very simple evolution, that Hate to Respect to Love thing. And all this will teach you about real life, because in real life, that's how relationships normally develop.
And remember, this is Advice coming from people who want you to see drinking large amounts of sugary water as a key ingredient to your ultimate "success" as an "athlete." Sugary water, and Hate.
Now, if you want to really get your stomach churning, I dare you to read the comments and see how many viewers are super-inspired by this noxious schlock. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Saturday, August 31, 2019
Monster is a resume-enhancing service which promises to make the user more attractive to potential employees- the idea is that people who use the service create resumes that are eye-catching, focus on the actual skills of the job-seeker, and avoid the worthless mulch that causes the resume scanners to give up and toss the things into the circular file cabinet.
But the little girl in this ad isn't asking about looking for a job, which can in fact be a sad, grinding, humiliating process that makes one question one's will to live. Back in the early '90s I was working in the dairy department of an Upstate New York Wegman's while also substitute teaching and I went to dozens of interviews for a full-time teaching job which never ended with an offer of employment, and I can still remember thinking at times that I should just give up and look into the Manager Training Program at the store. Ultimately I did manage to land a teaching position- in another state- and am celebrating my 25th year at that school this fall. But I'll never forget the stress of resume-writing and interviews. The little girl here is asking what it's like to WORK- and her daddy describes it as torture you just need to go through until you die.
Well, first of all, that's a really horrible message to send your daughter. Clearly she's asking it because she regularly sees her father stumbling around in a defeated, shoulders-hunched daze looking absolutely miserable all the time, and she's at least healthy enough to know that it's not because being a FATHER is a life-sucking ordeal. And his response is to let her know that "work" means "pain you deal with because you need money" and since everyone has to work, she should expect to graduate from childhood into her own lifetime of suffering somewhere down the road .
On some level I guess this all has to do with getting your resume in order so you can quit that job you hate and get a job you can actually enjoy, but that message kind of gets lost in this guy's horrible reply. He clearly doesn't believe that there's any such thing as a Fulfilling, Rewarding Career- just Work. If that's been his experience, I feel sorry for him- but he surely KNOWS of people who actually enjoy doing what they are paid to do and aren't defeated, deflated, all-suffering martyrs like himself. He should invite one of those people to talk to his daughter about work, and keep his snarling pessimism to himself before he does lasting damage.
Friday, August 30, 2019
1. The client in this ad doesn't know what kind of insurance she has, or what it covers. My guess is that she's insured against fire and severe weather damage and is enough of a dumb cluck to think that also means she's entitled to a new water heater when it wears out and stops working. I'm consistently amazed at the people on tv who manage to make enough money to own homes but don't have Clue One as to how insurance works.
2. The narrator tells us that American Home Shield does two things in exchange for the money they want you to shovel at it- it "helps" it's clients pay for repairs on "components" of major appliances. Those are two enormous, flashing neon-light red flags (if you'll pardon the mixed metaphors) that are passed by in an instant when the viewer is supposed to be paying attention to the stupid woman, the stupid insurance adjuster, and the cartoon dragon. The message you are supposed to get from this commercial is that an American Home Shield Warranty will repair or replace hot water heaters, air conditioners, washing machines, dishwashers, and all those other appliances which you live in constant fear of breaking down because their repair/replace cost is so high. But that's not promised at all by the actual words in the commercial. The WORDS IN THE COMMERCIAL only offer "help" (what's that? Advice? Assistance? Maybe a LITTLE money? Maybe no money at all) to repair "components" (what's THAT? They'll "help" replace one part of the air conditioner but not another part, even if both need replacing? Well, you'll find out after you pay the up-front Service Fee.)
Clearly the people at American Home Shield have learned a very valuable lesson from the big Pharmaceutical companies- when describing your product, dazzle your audience with colorful images so they don't listen carefully to what you're actually offering. That way you can get them to give you money in exchange for very, very sketchy and limited "insurance" you'd be better off putting into a special fund to handle appliance issues coming down the road. Too bad home warranties don't protect against Vampires- then you'd have coverage against companies like, well, American Home Shield.
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
Here's another commercial which makes it's point in roughly fifteen seconds, yet goes on for an entire minute because
A) the producer of this schlock has no respect for his audience and thinks we won't get the point unless it's anvilled into our skulls, or
B) he is so proud of his Vision that he won't compromise that Vision by editing it down.
Either way, I gotta say that no car company that offers WiFi, DVD players, Facebook, etc. etc. ETC as standard equipment has any business criticizing the world for being distracted by electronics. As a pedestrian am pretty much never put into danger by other pedestrians staring at their phones. Sure, they can annoy me- especially when I have to dodge them or they are standing in front of me at the crosswalk and don't notice that it's our turn to walk- but they aren't going to run me over. But I am CONSTANTLY on guard for distracted DRIVERS, which make up maybe 1 percent of the distracted people in this ad. Hey, Nissan- maybe the message should be "don't drive distracted" rather than "don't be distracted." I'd really welcome seeing more people breaking their dumb phone addictions, but I'd settle for drivers just obeying the law- and using some common humanity- by simply putting those phones away while operating heavy machinery. Baby steps, Nissan. Baby steps.
Sunday, August 25, 2019
Let me start out by saying that I love this movie, and I actually think it's superior to the original. For one thing, we don't have a bimbo Playboy model running around trying to act tough (or trying to act, period.) We don't have Ryback enlisting a support group to help him carry out his mission to Stop the Bad Guys from Nuking SomethingTM- except for a single porter, he's on his own, which is the way the best of these The One Guy They Didn't Count On Stands In Their Way films always plays it. Eric Bogosian is actually more interesting as the computer-wizard bad guy than Gary Busey and Tommy Lee Jones were as they spent most of their time just chewing up the scenery.
I think I just like the plot better: Crazy guy is going to seize control of a killer satellite and use it to nuke Washington DC and in the process collect $1 billion from America's enemies. He knows about the satellite because he built it, strongly suggesting Timothy Olyphant's computer-hacker genius character in 2006's Live Free Or Die Hard. I think I just like killer satellites. So I'm sold right off the bat.
That being said, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory certainly requires the viewer to suspend his level of disbelief more than the original does. Here are a few head-scratchers (let's stick to the plan and call them Plot Holes, or perhaps Plot Canyons) I pick up every time I watch this film:
1. Why a train? Sure, that's where the security techs who have the password to the killer satellite are, but that's no reason to hijack an entire train and hold potentially hundreds (though it appears there are no more than a few dozen passengers) of people hostage. These techs could have been kidnapped seperately and brought together to be tortured for the codes. Bogosian's character (Travis Dane) attempts an explanation: as long as the train is moving, the signal to the satellite is "invisible," ok. But they could have just hired a yacht for the day and installed all this equipment on it, and skipped the potentially dangerous (and alarm-sounding) process of invading an army base, stealing military helicopters, and capturing a train. Just seems like an overly complicated way of acquiring a moving vehicle.
2. The entire operation is planned down to the last detail, but is almost completely derailed (no pun intended) because Travis Dane brings only one copy of the targeting CD with him. When Ryback momentarily steals the CD, Dane freaks out that he's helpless without it, and even says "this train might as well be a thousand tons of junk without that CD." The necessity of getting that CD back costs the lives of several bad guys, too. But still- at any time, that CD could have been scratched or chipped, and then your entire $1 billion plan goes down the drain....because you forgot to burn another copy?
3. The abilities of the satellite weapon increase dramatically throughout the film. In the first half-hour, Dane is asked to shoot down a passenger plane and he dismisses the idea as implausible before (rather effortlessly) doing it. Forty minutes later he's using that satellite to target and shoot down Stealth bombers. BTW, he shoots down one of those Stealths literally two seconds before it's about to destroy the train- so close that wreckage from the Stealth rains down on the train. The pilot had orders to destroy the train, but didn't shoot when he was on top of it. Is the range of missiles from Stealth bombers three feet, or what? And why didn't the "earthquake" created by the satellite which destroyed the bomber have any effect on the train which was right underneath it?
4. Dane tells his fellow bad guys that if he targets the Stealths he'll have to "unlock it from DC and "won't be able to get it back before it passes." That "problem" is forgotten the moment the Stealths are destroyed, never to be mentioned again. Was Dane lying? Is there an explanatory scene missing?
5. The train is in the American West. DC is on the East Coast. So the satellite weapon can destroy planes in the West, and moments later is ready to destroy DC- does it travel backwards? And why is the countdown clock never impacted by the constantly changing demands placed on the satellite?
6. Dane planned for the hijacked train to crash into another train carrying a huge amount of fuel, destroying both trains and all the evidence and witnesses....approximately five seconds after he escaped the train in a helicopter? Seriously, watch his attempted escape near the end- the destruction of Washington DC and the train was supposed to be simultaneous, I guess. But considering that the destruction of the laptop controlling the satellite revealed the location of the satellite to the authorities, a miscalculation of a single minute could have sent Dane's plan right down the tubes. Also, was Dane really going to be able to escape to the helicopter before the trains collided? I don't see it.
7. How fast do self-destruct signals travel, anyway? The good guys get control of the satellite literally five seconds before it's set to destroy DC. They push a button and the satellite, hundreds of miles above them in orbit, blows up. Really? They pull this instant-explosion stuff in You Only Live Twice, too, so it's not like Under Siege 2 invented this plot hole. But it's still a pretty big one.
8. Finally- Dane's plan is to destroy a secret nuclear power plant under the Pentagon and "create a fire from DC to the Carolinas" with the fallout from that plant. Presumably this will wreck havoc on the US economy...but he wants to get paid in American money? Not gold deposited in a foreign bank? Really? Why?
Ok, thanks for indulging me- lots of travel yesterday, pretty tired today, and back to school meetings start tomorrow, so I wasn't really in the mood to look for a commercial, and I kind of always wanted to rant about this movie for a little bit but wasn't going to start a separate blog for plot holes. Back to commercials next time.