Sunday, May 19, 2019
The woman in this commercial has a refrigerator which includes fruit (some of which has no business being ain a refrigerator, but never mind...) yet reaches for a bottle of water, sand and artificial flavoring while wearing a big smile which reads "I'm so happy I'm about to drink this sludge, yay me!" Seriously, WTF? Why not finish off that....lemon? Grapefruit? Um, you didn't even put that in a bag, woman- what do you think that's going to look like after a day in a dark refrigerator?
Oh wait, apparently the light never goes out in this fridge. That's annoying. Is the light really turning off in my fridge? Now I'm getting paranoid. This is going to keep me awake. I mean, I'm not concerned about the food in my fridge being bullied by a bottle of Ensure, becasue I don't have any Ensure in my fridge, or food for it to bully for that matter. But is that light turning off after I've fetched another can of Diet Coke?
Oh, and that fridge looks to be the size of a walk-in closet. Maybe that's why she's so happy- it's not a refrigerator, it's that extra room in her house which is kept unusually cold for the food products that live in it.
The Ensure bottle has taken it on itself to make sure that the woman who bought it stays healthy and proceeds to banish unacceptable foodstuffs to....the crisper, I guess. I mean, tha's what's at the bottom of my refrigerator, so I assume that this one is designed the same way, even though it is about eight times larger than mine. Come to think of it, I've never had anything in my crisper. I should make sure my fridge actually has one.
Wait, where was I? Oh yeah- the woman put a corndog and a cupcake and a jar of mayonaisse in her fridge, but they don't pass "mustard" (sorry, I couldn't resist) with Field Marshal Ensure so out they go? And which bottle of Ensure is in charge- there are several bottles there? Do the other bottles just sit there and wait to carry out orders?
Saturday, May 18, 2019
Every. Other. Commercial. on YouTube is some guy jacked up on speed standing in a mansion or (more likely) in front of his Maserati and Trophy Girlfriend waving his hands and telling me in a manic voice how he made five million dollars in six months selling stuff on YouTube and went from being a college dropout dishwasher living in mom's basement to owning everything worth owning on the planet.
In reality, there's no "Amazing Secret" to making money in a Multi-Level Marketing scheme. It's actually very simple. I'm going to share it with you because I'm Just That Kind of Guy- the kind that isn't satisfied being Super Rich and Successful but is so Big-Hearted that I want everyone to experience the kind of lifestyle I've come to experience, never mind that it would make no sense economically for everyone to be rich Shut Up Hater.
Here we go: First, work is for suckers. Don't do it. Remember the Three F's: Family, Friends, and Facebook. Mine them for people who A) are naturally inclined to want to help you out, B) are greedy/stupid/gullible, and C) are desperate enough to believe anything. You find enough people like this, and you are definitely on your way to that first Million.
These are the people who are going to do the work. Explain to them how the company you work for sells Amazing products nobody else sells- products that are so Life-Changing that once people are introduced to them they are hooked for life and will shove fistfuls of money in your face to get more. Sign them up and you'll get a percentage of all their sales while doing no real work yourself. Doesn't that sound awesome?
Second, be prepared to deflect the complaints of your Family, Friends and Facebook recruits when they can't sell even five percent of the overpriced crap they purchased after you assured them they'd sell like crazy Without Any Real Effort On Their Part. Tell them they just have to Believe in Themselves. Tell them to Have Faith. Tell them to recruit more people and then dump those essential oils, supplements and home-flipping DVDs on them. Tell them how disappointed you are that you went out of your way to Present This Opportunity and now they are Being Negative How Dare They This is So Sad.
Third, keep your soul in cold storage and don't ever let it out for exercise. I mean, what did it ever do for you? Did it get you that first five million?
Fourth, make an ad like this on YouTube. Be sure to include the House, Car and Girlfriend the MLM made possible. And don't forget to rant like a freaking lunatic because I guess that's convincing for some reason.
Enjoy your New, Prosperous Life! Glad I could help!
Friday, May 17, 2019
You can be proud to work from home for PC Matic, because at least it's not fake anti-virus protection from the boiler rooms of New Delhi. Nope, it's good old-fashioned home grown junk for your computer. USA! USA!
I wonder if we're supposed to believe it's legit because it's expensive- $49.99 per year, according to my research (see link below.) Based on the reviews, I'm not going for it- but I'm not a computer expert and I don't review anti-virus programs or anything else. I just snark on commercials. And this one is pretty vanilla: Trust PC Matic because it's Made in the USA. Work at home for PC Matic because your bosses are Americans. Etc, etc.
Strikes me as kind of a two-fer: Not only is this an ad for Probably Ineffective if not Damaging "antivirus protection," but it's also pitching another "make good money working from home" scheme which seems to account for at least 90% of Youtube ads these days. So both the customers AND the employees have an opportunity to get the royal shaft.
I just figured something out. The real reason why this doesn't pass the smell test is because "PC Matic" sounds a lot like "MyCleanPC" and "FinallyFast" and a lot of other fly-by-night Your PC Is Filled With Viruses Take Our Word For It Go Online and Download Team Viewer and Give Us Control Because We Popped Up on Your Screen "services." Maybe try another name, PC Matic. I suggest Patroit Clean PC or American Eagle Antivirus or Freedom PC. I also suggest you hire some rugged ex-sniper Navy Seal to sell your product instead of this creepy old guy. But what do I know about marketing.
Here's the reviews. Not all that surprised this page doesn't allow comments after seeing this:
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
Smarmy Disembodied Voice pretends Capitalism is a Revolution. I'm going to get a lot out of this series
There are two things I want to happen in this ad: I want the woman staring at her phone as she crosses Times Square to get run over by a car, and I want the woman with the "edgy," "don't f--k with me I'm making money with money" look on her face as she walks away from an exploding car to be taken out by a flying shard of glass.
And then I never want to see this stupid, manipulative tripe aimed at the people who are too smart to fall for "make $4000 a month working at home with Amazon" scams but too full of themselves to avoid ego-stroking "you're too smart to be part of the herd in the market" crud like this. But since there's a lot of these ads on YouTube, I expect I am going to see more of them, and they'll be getting more than a little play time here.
Sunday, May 12, 2019
1. Paid shills claim they lost control of their bodily functions when they saw this ad. They claim this on YouTube, thankfully using fake names so as not to shame their parents.
2. Unpaid losers post exactly the same thing; that is, when they aren't repeating lines from the commercial becasue that's the go-to when you can't think of anything to write yourself but still want to post in the comment section for a YouTube video.
3. Nobody anywhere asks even once what any of this has to do with insurance.
4. America gets a little dumber.
5. Donald Trump's chances for re-election become more and more obviously good. Why? See #4.
*based on the comments, I'm assuming that "the infinity gauntlet" is some macguffin that pollutes the Avengers movies, which are themselves apparently infinite. Don't know, don't care even less.
Saturday, May 11, 2019
"Kate" is a "hard worker" (check out the coveralls and the hard hat) who has insurance but still pays too much for medication for herself and her son. She's arrived at the pharmacy to pick up the medication prescribed for her kid, which costs $67 (of course.) Except that she already knows in advance that there's this thing called GoodRx and she's already downloaded it to her phone. This allows her to put this stupid triumphant look on her face after her kid runs off with his meds and convinces her to fold her arms and stand in the middle of the pharmacy as if she's just conquered the world.
Like "Linda" in a previous ad, there's clearly not a whole lot of Positive going on in Kate's life. She's on meds, and her son, who seems to enjoy just hanging around all by himself just outside the window (if you can figure out what he's doing out there, please feel free to drop a comment) just wants to get his medication and get on with his life but he's being delayed by mom and her Celebrate Every Victory weirdness. This is one kid who looks forward to Dad's weekend, I'll bet.
Friday, May 10, 2019
1. This guy just jumps Linda as she's heading to the pharmacy and starts hitting her with questions about that perscription he Just Happened to Notice she's got there in her hand. I guess he just hangs out around pharmacies looking for people holding bits of paper which kind of look like they were torn off of prescription pads?
2. Isn't ambushing total strangers on the street to pimp for some service more of a Verizon thing?
3. The guy then asks Linda how much she thinks her medication will cost. Well, that's rude- how does he know she doesn't have great insurance that will pay for the medication? Why does he think this is his business? And anyway, the answer is $67. Because in GoodRx commercials, the medication ALWAYS costs $67. I think they just keep using the same cash register shot over and over. It's kind of weird.
4. Having been told about GoodRx, Linda confidently approaches the pharmacy counter, hands the prescription to the pharmacist, and announces that she has a coupon before she's even told that it costs $67. The pharmacist responds "good coupon," and not what we all know she would actually respond- "um, ok. We'll have that filled for you in between 3 and 5 hours. Do you want to wait or pick it up tomorrow?"
5. Linda ends the commercial by giving herself a personal high five. Because there's not a whole lot going right for Linda these days. I mean, she's getting assaulted on the street by intrusive spokeschoads who assume that she's got crappy or no insurance and must watch every dime, and she sees a coupon for some drug as scoring a serious victory over The System. I suspect that Linda does cartwheels every time the 7-11 cashier informs her that she's scored a free Big Gulp.
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
These people with overactive bladders which are keeping them in the bathrooms while the world goes around them finally seek help from their doctors, good. No problem with that; that's how it should work.
But when they are finally in that little room with the table covered in paper and that old-timey scale, they tell their doctor their problem and...then what happens? Apparently the doctor excuses himself, goes into his office, and comes back with a tablet on to which he's downloaded a commercial for Entyvio. Because....the doctor can't just TELL his patient about the drug he wants her to try? This guy is billing some insurance company $300 for his time, which consisted of him listening to the patient describe a symptom and then downloading a freaking commercial to show her? Why does he do this? Is it because he knows that the patient is more likely to take the advice of a 20-second ad she sees on a flat screen than a guy who actually went to med school?
Maybe that's why he comes back with the commercial-bearing tablet: "I understand that you're reluctant to begin a regimen which includes a drug with all kinds of nasty side effects. So here's TV to calm those fears. You trust TV. TV would never lie to you. I'm just a doctor, don't take my word for it. Here's your Electronic Second Opinion."
Sunday, May 5, 2019
Tomb Raider (2018) "starring" Alicia Vikander is a reboot of a moderately successful film series which ran from 2001-2003 which was itself a spinoff of a very popular series of video games. The video games featured a number of female voice actors, the original films featured Angelina Jolie in the starring role, and the newest version, as I've noted, "starred" an inexplicably popular mannequin named Alicia Vikander.
I caught this film on HBO the other day and I just have to make a few observations concerning why I found this film so insulting and dumb and am not at all surprised that it was a box office failure:
1. In the opening of this film, we see the character of Lara Croft engaged in a kickboxing contest and even though she's beaten she looks pretty tough. I assumed that the purpose of this scene was to establish Lara as a hard-as-nails type who can definitely take care of herself. Boy, was I wrong, as we'll see later.
2. Turns out that Lara Croft is a lowly bike messenger who jumps at the chance to earn money by participating in a dangerous bike race through the streets of Large City. Thing is, through flashbacks we've already been shown that just as with the Angelina Jolie version, this Lara is heir to a massive fortune, she just has to sign some papers to get it. She's holding back from signing for reasons we're about to get into. Meanwhile, she's willing to risk her skull to go after a small cash prize because She Needs the Money except we know she doesn't. I bet several of her fellow bike messengers could legitimately use that money, Lara. Maybe stop pretending to be poor?
3. Lara doesn't want to sign the papers declaring her missing father officially Dead because she's convinced he's just missing. Never mind that signing would allow her to inherit his massive wealth, which she could then use to go out and find her father. If she believes Dad is really alive, of what benefit is she to him as long as she's scraping by as a bike messenger?
4. When Lara gets to Asian Port Stock Footage Location, she's instantly accosted by three young boys who steal her bag. She runs them down and gets the bag back by putting one of the boys in a headlock, but then runs away when another boy pulls out a knife and threatens to cut out her tongue. Angelina Jolie's version of Lara would have beaten up all three boys without breaking a sweat. A few minutes before this scene we saw Lara holding her own in a kickboxing match. Vikander's version shows panic, runs away, and needs to be rescued by Drunk Asian Boat-owning Stereotype. You go, girl!
5. Lara escapes the Evil Men on the Mysterious Island by Jumping off a Cliff into a Roaring RiverTM, barely escaping going over a waterfall by clinging to the ancient ruins of a downed airplane. The plane looks like it's been perched over the waterfall for at least a decade- yet within seconds after Lara pulls herself into the rotting fuselage to escape the Roaring River, it begins to disintegrate under her feet. Seriously, WTF? This plane has survived floods, storms, probably thousands of tree trunks crashing into it, and has remained perched over that waterfall- but when a 110-pound woman is added to it's bulk, it begins to dissolve like a graham cracker in milk?
6. The Breaking Into The TombTM scene is pretty much a poor retread of Indy's final journey to reach the grail in The Last Crusade. Except not as interesting, because....
7. Alicia Vikander. I'm sorry, can someone explain this person to me? She worked in Ex Machina because she played a soulless android. But in every other film I've seen her in, she's continued to play that same soulless android. Her expression never changed in two hours of Jason Bourne. And she shows all the range of a garden gnome in this waste of time. Did she ever actually act in anything?
The latest Tomb Raider was supposed to launch a new series of films, but it returned only $274.7 million at the worldwide box office- oddly enough, the exact amount of cash generated by the 2001 version, which means that it was a significantly less successful film and that the franchise is probably dead for good (I don't think that 1990s nostalgia is going to come back in twenty years.) So I guess I won't be complaining about any sequels in the near future. Which means commercials will have to stay terrible to keep this blog going. I'm not worried.
Saturday, May 4, 2019
....the dial on my BS meter snaps right off whenever I hear someone refer to themselves or anyone else as "patriots" or puts the words "Patriot," "Liberty," "Freedom" or "American" on their products. Maybe it's just me, but this level of buzzword patronizing just screams "manipulative selling technique."
We're supposed to take this guy's word for it that this solar cell phone battery is terrific because after all, he's an ex-Navy Seal, used to make his living shooting people, and wrote a book. None of which has anything to do with expertise in collecting, storing and releasing energy, but gosh he sure looks rugged and he's a Fellow Patriot, so.....
....so, sorry, no. I'm sure that there are good solar-powered cell phone chargers out there, and I think it's something that would be helpful for pretty much everyone to own because after all we spend so much time away from charging stations (like the ones that decorate our walls at home that we used to call ELECTRICAL OUTLETS.) But if this particular version works well, then sell it to me by explaining the physics involved, not by expecting me to just buy in to the claims of a Manly Man who starts right off by attempting to stroke my ego by calling me a "fellow patriot."
BTW, the giveaway that this is just probably just another Late Night Overpriced Junk Trinket product comes when the guy discusses the "extras" that come with the charger-it includes a flashlight setting with strobe feature (gee, that's a great feature for an item that is supposed to be collecting power to charge something else, huh? Law of Thermodynamics, people,) a keychain with a tiny compass attached, and a CHARGING CABLE (in case you are home, or somewhere else where you could just plug it in....like you do with your phone already....um....ok.....)
I'll go ahead and watch the review now; that's only fair. But nothing in the review will change the fact that this company is using symbolism and slogans instead of science to sell their product. Lame.
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
You only get awesomely snarkable commercials like this one for a cheap hearing aid way up the dial, which is why I will ocassionally tune to GetTV. No, I don't really want to watch Knight Rider or Good Times or really crappy old movies like Young Guns II. But in between scenes from this crap is pure comedy gold in the form of these awesome commercials, so I'm glad the channel exists.
"In the woods you need every tactical advantage..." you'd think that having a gun and wearing camoflauge would be enough "tactical advantage" against an unarmed animal, but you'd be wrong- you also need EagleEye Blue Light Blocking Sunglasses (available on another commercial) and Superman-level hearing if you REALLY want the edge against the grazing herbivore you're hoping to take down and earn your man card with.
Know what's really great about this hearing aid? No, it's not the super-low cost-- so low that you probably will not be able to resist getting an ADDITIONAL one to share with a friend (ick, I really hope you're just going to GIVE that friend the additional one, who wants a used hearing aid back?) just pay Seperate Shipping and Handling. It's the fact that no one will even know you're wearing it- never mind that it's slightly smaller than a billiard ball and you can see it quite clearly in the ears of everyone wearing it in this commercial. No one will know you're wearing it. Not the other people in your dinner party, not your elderly spouse, and certainly not that four-legged prey that doesn't even know it's involved in a contest with you.
Sunday, April 28, 2019
Lots of people think that Denmark is a Socialist Paradise. But they're wrong, you see, because Denmark isn't Socialist at all.
And how do we know that Denmark isn't Socialist? Well, for one thing, you can own private property in Denmark, unlike in those actual Socialist Countries. And you have freedom of the press in Denmark, unlike in actual Socialist Countries. And political dissenters in Denmark aren't rounded up and caged in gulags or shot- like in actual Socialist Countries.
In other words, since at PragerU "Socialism" means "Government ownership of everything, no freedom, political prisons and armed guards murdering people in the street," Denmark can't POSSIBLY be Socialist. Because Denmark doesn't have that stuff.
Neither does France, Spain, Italy, Greece, Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Canada....all countries PragerU has labeled "Socialist" in the past. But those countries are different Because Reasons. Actually, not Because Reasons. Because PragerU can't put together a consistent, honest argument - that's for it's Master's program, probably.
Meanwhile, it's inevitable that PragerU will eventually take aim (no bad pun intended) at the restrictive gun laws of the European Union, which includes....well, non-Socialist Denmark. So Denmark is a happy, free country which makes it all but impossible for the average citizen to own a firearm. Since Denmark is NOT Socialist, and IS successful and happy, that must mean that restrictive gun laws fit well into a Capitalist society that is both successful and happy. Right, Prager U?
Saturday, April 27, 2019
So Progressive Insurance's constant scrambling to find something to do with it's aging spokeschoad has lead it to tweak America's Eighties Nostalgia bone, huh? How else do we explain this steaming lump of stupid?
I'll admit, it's a pretty cute idea and more clever than most of the pointless dreck insurance companies have been coming up with these days. But that's not saying very much at all, since insurance company commercials have been the black hole of advertising for as long as I can remember. So this is slightly better than watching the AFLAC duck or a CGI pig or a camel walking around an office begging people to tell him that it's Wednesday.
It's still at least 20 seconds too long- as usual, we GET THE JOKE way before the ad is over. And it still provides absolutely ZERO information about how much Progressive Insurance costs or what it actually covers. Remember when tv ads actually made an effort to educate the viewer concerning the product being sold? Me neither, actually. I'm not that old.
Friday, April 26, 2019
1. No way this guy owns a pet. I mean, look at that house. That's a bacteria-free zone. Seriously, you could synthesize medication in that house. Animals? No freaking way.
2. Get a load of the super-enthusiastic chewy.com operator. It's like she never had any aspirations higher than helping some jackass on the other end of the line buy pet food. That's just sad.
3. "What do I do with all this old pet food?" Holy crap, can you take care of any problems yourself, ridiculously clean man in ridiculously clean house with pets? Seriously, what is wrong with you?
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
These Make Money Fast By Investing/Flipping Houses/Shopping on Amazon/Selling these Vitamins YouTube ads took no time at all to descend into the quagmire of almost laughable cliche, did they?
Here's Jason Bond and his minions taking private jets to visit their beautiful mansions in Miami while aggressively Selling the Dream of living Just Like This if only you Believe in Yourself and follow This Simple Plan. This time the Simple Plan involves using This Proven Method to buy penny stocks with the Jason Bond Raging Bull Formula.
I wish I could muster even an ounce of sympathy for the people who plop down anywhere from $1500-$3000 for an hour-long seminar which promises to unlock the mystery of becoming a Millionaire using this Take Your Pick It's So Easy I Just Want To Share My Secret With You strategy. But as someone who actually works for a living- and realizes that the only way I'm going to have a successful retirement is through saving and investing and being very careful with my money- I just can't. I really have nothing but contempt for you idiots, because if you can't see through this nonsense it's kind of a mystery how you managed to get any money into your pockets in the first place.
So instead, I'll just let you in on a little secret, which is the little secret all of these people are trying to sell you but which I'll hand to you for free: Every single one of these scammers actually has the exact same method of making money without work. And it involves convincing suckers to open their wallets and empty it into their bank accounts. That's it. Whether the veneer involves house-flipping, stock market tips or selling bottles of nothing called "essential oils," it's all about getting other people to hand you money in exchange for basically nothing.
That's it. Where's my check?
Sunday, April 21, 2019
5-Hour Energy snake oil now comes in even more convenient, even smaller ("portable") bottles with the same amount of energy (zero) you've come to expect in the classic size. So here's all the energy-boosting capacity of a caffeine pill at roughly 2000 times the cost! Come and get it, idiots!
Meanwhile, the who guy became a billionaire by generating and marketing this nonsense has now launched a new venture- the Free Electric System. He wants to put an electricity-generating bicycle into every home so that everyone can produce their own "free" electricity- everyone who is willing to break the Law of Thermodynamics, that is. You see, Stupid People Who Think This is an Awesome Idea, there is really no such thing as "free energy." To "create" energy by peddling a bicycle, you have to CONSUME energy first. So, in fact, you aren't "creating" energy at all- you are just transfering the energy from sugars to electricity. You have to eat food to do that. So the electricity you are "creating" is hardly "free." Get it?
This guy hopes you don't, and he's probably right. After all, he sells millions of little bottles of Practically Nothing at what breaks down to about $40 per gallon. For the same amount of caffeine as you find in a typical cup of coffee and a trace amount of vitamins. Because, as PT Barnum allegedly once said, "nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public."
Saturday, April 20, 2019
What is it with all these people referring to their serious disease as "Hep C?" I'm pretty sure that if I ever contracted a potentially fatal disease I would not feel compelled to give it a trendy, peppy-sounding nickname. But these characters do it ALL THE FREAKING TIME- they have "A-Fib" and "Hep C" and other conditions they describe in a way to make the viewer sound almost jealous. Gee, I wish I was cool enough to contract one of these life-threatening illnesses! But woe is me, my liver is just too damned healthy! I feel so left out!
I suppose I could try sharing needles or having some tattoo work done in a dirty parlor somewhere- that's the source of approximately 60% of all "Hep C" cases. I should stop complaining until I've at least put the effort in, right?
Friday, April 19, 2019
"My shift is over, but not my day...." because this woman is about to take the subway and then a bus to get home. She's doing this because, as in all Good2Go commercials, she has a car but not insurance (she doesn't say so, but I think it's safe to assume that she doesn't have car insurance because she can't afford it.)
(Thing is, she's working at a diner- chances are, she doesn't have health insurance, either. Shouldn't that be a priority here? Anyway...)
I guess we're supposed to sympathize because instead of enjoying the convenience of bumper-to-bumper traffic, high gas prices, and all the little (and sometimes not so little) expenses that pop up when you own a car, this poor woman has to take public transportation which includes a subway (which means she skips a lot of that traffic.) She can read a book or listen to music while someone else does the driving, but this is somehow a Royal Pain compared to driving a car which is going to be constantly sucking money out of your pocket. Poor girl, I hope she gets insurance real soon, looks like her life is a real hell on earth.
In the final scene we see that she has picked up barely-legal Good2Go insurance, and now she can skip the subway and train and get back to the Good Life- sitting in traffic, buying gasoline, getting this fixed and that fixed, constantly one bad decision away from a massive repair bill, etc. What a great happy ending for her.
Two quick points: First, seriously, what is your problem, woman? You've got public transportation that costs far less than owning a car and carries none of the risks. Yet you own a car you can't drive. Why not sell your car and take that public transportation and watch your bank account grow? I did exactly that on September 15, 2013. I know I've saved $1200 a year on insurance alone- but then again, I bought actual insurance, not this Good2Go crap. Gas, repairs- who knows how much I saved on those items, but considering that if I use public transportation to get to and from work every day the cost comes to about $30 a week, I'm quite certain I've come out way ahead.
Second, when is Good2Go going to make even ONE commercial featuring a white single mom or dad struggling with car insurance costs while trying to feed the kids or get them to a doctor? Why it is that every single Good2Go ad featuring white people shows them as young, single and employed while every one featuring black people shows them as single parents living in poverty?
Thursday, April 18, 2019
This woman has her pride, I guess. I can't think of any other explanation for the fact that she has a car, but she can't afford insurance so the only alternative to getting her sick kid to the doctor is to walk it (maybe miles? I mean, she would have used her car if she could..) She's not taking an Uber because after all, that's why she bought a car. So she wouldn't have to take an Uber. She's not taking public transportation because that's what the losers do, and she's not a loser, she owns a car and everything. If she takes an Uber the Uber driver will think she's poor and can't afford a car. If she takes the bus the bus driver will think she's poor and can't afford a car.
She can't risk that. She's got her pride. So her car sits in front of the housing project while she puts her sick kid in a stroller and walks it through the streets to the doctor.
That's one lucky kid there. He's got a proud mom. That's a piece of luck that's going to pay off, someday.
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
1. Using animals in commercials. Again, this just needs to stop. Apparently, some people see dogs or cats on television and their attention is transfixed and they are sold on whatever product is being offered. I tune out entirely because I see clueless mammals being used to manipulate the people I mentioned in the last sentence.
Not a pet owner. But even if I was, this wouldn't convince me of anything.
2. "Here's a suggestion- turn on the Do Not Disturb option on your Smartphone." Uh huh, because the only time people are distracted by their phones is when they get calls. It's not like they are initiating the calls themselves, or checking their Facebook status, or texting or watching a movie. Nope, it's all because they are getting calls and didn't realize they had the option of setting their phones to "Do Not Disturb." Or, like, not answering when a call is coming in- that's just not possible, I mean, the phone's ringing, you have to answer it.
Or just putting their phones away until they've reached their destination. Those are never options- so thank goodness for "Do Not Disturb," that's going to make everything better.
3. The comment section. Good lord, you people. Have you no shame at all? Or are you all terrific examples of the people I mentioned in Point # 1? I mean, come on.
Sunday, April 14, 2019
I don't expect anyone to watch this hour-long commercial for Making Money By Getting Other People to Give You Their Money for No Return video, any more than I expect you to watch any commercial- no matter how long- for the same service. Ads for "opportunities" like these seem to make up 90% of YouTube's commercial content these days, and they are all pretty much the same:
1. Self-confident, enthusiastic and almost exclusively Male twentysomething shoves his face into the camera and starts talking to us like he's a trusted friend - most of these ads start with the phrase "Hey Guys" presented in a "oh there you are, well as long as you've decided to drop in, let me tell you about" attitude.
2. Spokeschoad proceeds to tell us about his collection of sportscars and bulging bank account while taking us on a walking tour of his mansion, never failing to mention that six months ago he was flipping burgers at McDonald's and living in his mom's basement. Now he's got more money than he knows what to do with, it was Super Easy, and being the Awesome Human Being he is, he just can't WAIT to share his Secret with the rest of us.
3. Spokeschoad then covers himself with a thin veneer of trustworthiness by warning us against those OTHER people who tell you that Working from Home or Flipping Houses will make you a millionaire overnight, we should totally avoid THOSE losers because they are scammers, it's NOT possible to become a millionaire overnight even with HIS Proven, Guaranteed System. It takes six months. Oh, and it takes a lot of work even while being Super Easy.
4. Spokeschoad finally gets around to explaining how, by giving him just a little of the money you probably don't have, he'll show you how you can be Just Like Him with his sportscar collection, mansion and Oh Did I Mention The Fabulous Vacations I Take All The Time With My Hot Girlfriend?
5. The comment section is overrun with "testimonials" gushing about how SuperAwesomeAmazing this opportunity is, and how it's Not At All Like those other people who are just SCAMMERS. And if you tried this system and lost money, it's because you Didn't Believe, Didn't Try Hard Enough and Just Didn't Want to Be Successful and how you're Looking For A Good Man to Blame (often that Good Man is God-Fearing, too, so you get double demerits for your slander.)
So go ahead and join everyone's favorite cult, the Church of Online Dumb, and get that career flipping houses or Mid-Level Marketing underway. Or get your credit score into the 800s using this One Simple Trick. Whatever, you'll be in that mansion with that sportscar in no time at all (model trophy girlfriend/wife included, just pay extra shipping and handling.)
Saturday, April 13, 2019
See, I'm pretty sure we are supposed to appreciate that this is yet another ad featuring a Mixed Race Yeah What Are You Going to Do About It couple, but seriously that is soooo 2018. Mixed Race couple in a YouTube ad? Um, yeah-- so? How are you going to demonstrate how Woke you are next? Gonna show us a man washing dishes or a woman wearing pants?
Meanwhile, all I see is that two ugly people found eachother and are now a couple. Seriously, I don't care about their skin color. These people are UGLY.
Oh, but wait-maybe THAT'S the super-progressive message of this ad: Look, you don't have to be physically attractive to be in a stupid insurance ad! You can be really, really unattractive and we'll still put you on tv because Deal With It America, This Is 2019!
Friday, April 12, 2019
Every day, Justin "chooses" to walk....um, because his crummy job as a tour guide kind of requires it. Kind of like I "choose" to get up before 6 AM so I can get myself to school to teach before the first bell rings. It's a choice, you see.
And at the end of the day, Justin chooses to take his little daughter to an upscale neighborhood they don't actually live in so she can practice riding her bike in safety. Because I'm sorry, but tour guides don't live in neighborhoods like this. There's probably just too much broken glass and garbage lying around in Justin's actual neighborhood. Not to mention the crime.
Or wait....maybe Justin is actually a bond trader who likes to conduct tours through the city on the side because he's a People Person? That's more plausible than the Tour Guide Who Lives in a Freaking Mansion on an Exclusive Suburban Street, anyway.
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
You can do your work, or you can find reasons not to do your work while pretending to be productive. If you prefer the latter, Monday.com is perfect for you.
Sure, you've already sent an email giving everyone on "your team" their job assignments and deadlines. But-- if that's all you need to do, you'll have to get to work on your own part of the workload. You could make some coffee, or check your Facebook page, or make a snack, or watch something on YouTube, or tidy up your work area....but that's not especially productive. Taking all the information that's already available and organizing it to an online calendar? That sure LOOKS productive, and I bet it leaves you with the feeling that you've done something. Sure, you fell farther behind in completing your assignment, but it's not like you weren't productive, check out this calendar you created!
Never mind that as soon as you finish filling out the totally unnecessary Monday.com calendar, it's inaccurate because you've spent time filling out that totally unnecessary Monday.com calendar- the important thing is that you were sitting at your desk typing, which means you were busy, which means you earned your paycheck, and now you've made everything easier by putting the schedule on this totally unnecessary Monday.com calendar.
And you didn't leave your desk to raid the snack drawer or finish off the coffee in the break room, so give yourself an extra pat on the back.
Sunday, April 7, 2019
Here's another one of those almost unbelievably stupid Bounty paper towel ads in which people freak out because their glowingly white, perfectly clean world is about to be slightly (and very temporarily) marred by a spill.
Seriously, what the hell is going on here? This family reacts to the dropping of a dumpling* as if it's a crystal vase once owned by the Romanovs and passed down from great grandma's estate. Good lord, people. It's a dumpling. Falling on a kitchen table. Creating a slight stain.
So what's with the looks of existential horror all around? The kid acts as if the last time he spilled something he was given a severe beating and a month in the Box of Shame. And it sure seems as if we, the audience, are supposed to understand perfectly the Horror of Dropping a Piece of Food, just as in a previous commercial we were supposed to understand perfectly the Horror of Spilling an Ounce of Iced Coffee.
Well, maybe you do, but I don't. We all know what paper towels are for and why we like to have them around, but--umm, Bounty? You aren't going to convince us that they're right up there with fire extinguishers, and you aren't going to convince us that spills are anything more than...spills. So please, stop trying.
*And I'm not even going to get into examining how the Magic Dumpling managed to skid/skip/bounce almost three feet across a table so that it could land in the mouth of a dog sitting across from the kid in exactly the right place to catch a morsel of food that had no business falling off a table in that spot. I mean, what the hell? Did that dumpling come with propellants that activated when it encountered a hard surface? Because come on, there is this thing called physics.
Saturday, April 6, 2019
So this woman was prescribed eye drops, but she "started worrying" about all the chemicals she was putting into her eyes....you know, at the recommendation of an actual licensed physician. She doesn't tell us that her doctor "started worrying" or expressed any misgivings about the Actual Medication he had prescribed. No, SHE just woke up one day and decided oh gosh maybe it's not a great idea to put "harsh chemicals" (what us normals call "Medicine") into her eyes.
More likely she was approached by a cousin or an old friend she hadn't seen in years but who now really really wanted to get acquainted and who Oh By The Way was dying to tell her about Herbalife.* Or Essential Oils. Or doTerra. Or whatever. And in fifteen minutes she became convinced that doctors are all CIA agents being paid off by Bayer and Beatrice Foods and the Illuminati to peddle mind control drugs and to Stop the Information from Getting Out that Nature Is All You Need to Heal.
So now instead of paying $12 a month for medication she used to pick up at the local pharmacy, she's paying four times as much for 2 ounces of sterilized water from Switzerland which is of course not covered by her Evil Big Pharma-controlled "health" insurance (more like "sick" insurance! Those companies WANT YOU TO STAY SICK!) which she can also find at the local pharmacy, in the "Natural Foods" section. And feeling very Woke about it, I'm sure. Stupid, but Woke.
*This actually happened to me, about a dozen years ago. I got an email from an old High School friend I had not seen since the 80s who wanted to "catch up" at a local coffee shop. Within three minutes of sitting down he was peddling some $40 per month Miracle Vitamin Regimen. I declined to purchase. Haven't heard from him since. I doubt I'm missing much.
Thursday, April 4, 2019
"These are the Averys, leaving their ridiculous apartment to head off to yet another expensive, trendy restaurant because that's what they like to do to avoid spending quiet time together at home."
"After several months of spending upwards of $300 per week on meals at trendy restaurants, the Averys 'began to wonder' if all this spending wasn't eating into their Dream Home fund. Because the Averys, despite being able to afford that ridiculous apartment, are really all kinds of Dumb and couldn't figure out on their own that spending money in one way means that they can't spend it in another way. Funny how that works, right? I bet most of the people watching this ad knew that already. But these are the Averys- they live a charmed life involving massive apartments, nightly dine-outs and, eventually, a Suburban Palace Just Because."
"Anyway, being the Averys, they decided to call Wells Fargo to ask 'hey, is our habit of eating out every night at trendy, expensive restaurants hurting our ability to save for our Dream House? After the Wells Fargo financial consultant on the other end of the line got done simultaneously laughing, vomiting and rolling his eyes in complete disgust, he removed his hand from the speaker and calmly explained to the Averys that, yes, money is in fact a finite resource and not a magic well which stays at the same level no matter how much water is drawn from it."
"The Averys decided to cut back on their restaurant-hopping and spend more time in their Seriously Enormous Why Do They Even Want A House Apartment eating food prepared by themselves from the groceries they ordered from Whole Foods. They came to realize that the reason they had been spending so much time at restaurants is because they couldn't bear to be alone with eachother unless they are surrounded by other people. Even a stuffed-to-the-brim DVR and all those Netflix shows didn't help. Within a few weeks, they had broken up, and individually neither could afford the awesome apartment anymore, problem solved."
"Wells Fargo. Solving your First World problems, one call at a time."
Sunday, March 31, 2019
The couple in this ad have better credit. What's the solution?
The GIRL in the couple must negotiate a 17% raise (no problem- she gets the raise. She must be absolutely vital to the business. I've been a teacher at the same school for 24 years. When I go in to negotiate a raise, I'm thrilled when it matches the rate of inflation.) The GUY in the ad has to get his debts in order. Message: Only one person in this couple has a credit problem which is keeping them in the girl's dad's basement. It's the guy. He's an anchor on this girl's dreams of a house of their own. So she has to make more money in order to drag his sorry butt out of debt, because she married his debt.
This is going to take a while, because the GUY keeps making stupid purchases to demonstrate that he's still a child who doesn't know how to handle money. He brings home a guitar he purchased without talking it over with his significant other first. She responds by rolling her eyes. She does that a lot. Stupid guy. He's so lucky to have her. He's not good enough for her. She lowered her standards for him. Obviously.
Their credit rating goes up, and after an EIGHT MINUTE INSPECTION (Seriously, WTF? That part only makes sense if the GUY went to look at the house BY HIMSELF) this couple agrees to buy a house. The next day their mortgage is approved, and just in time 'cause look the guy got the girl pregnant which kind of explains why she's willing to put up with this loser who has no money sense.
I guess we're supposed to be all happy at the end because two actors in a Credit Karma commercial managed to buy a house. Not quite sure why. And we're supposed to believe that they got the house in spite of the guy's efforts to sabatoge the whole thing. Very sure why.
Saturday, March 30, 2019
All I see in this ad is a couple of "parents" who brought what looks to be about thirty kids to McDonalds to eat non-food and play with junk toys....and continue the process of subliminally connecting "McDonalds" with "Happiness" so they can grow up to be depressed, fat adults who run to McDonalds for Comfort Food whenever life gets them down (which, if they are like me, means every couple of hours.)
But oh, it gets worse- now you can whip out your Personal Electronic Device and have your kids play "interactive" video games in between scarfing down french fries and playing with whatever stupid, Fun For Three Minutes "collectable" toy that came in the Brightly Colored cardboard box all that stuff came with. So McDonald's doesn't have that 20 Minute Limit For Consuming Food thing anymore? Or does it only apply to losers who just want to rest their feet and drink some coffee after walking a dozen miles or so, and not fat families who buy $20 worth of Fried Junk in Pretty Boxes and who expect the "restaurant" to entertain their kids for at least an hour- if not "play areas," then with dazzling eye candy you can show them on a screen?
I bet these "parents" think they are doing those kids a favor by helping McDonalds wire their synapses toward favoring a lifetime of cheap non-food made up primarily of sugar and empty carbohydrates. 'Cause hey check out the apple slices and milk, that just SCREAMS "responsible!"
Friday, March 29, 2019
1. Buy a garage.
2. Clean it out.
3. Buy a Honda.
I guess that's the way things are supposed to work. I mean, it's safe to assume that none of the families featured in this ad ever owned a car before, right? Why else would they suddenly be cleaning out their garages to make room for the new Honda they'll be welcoming into the family soon?
Oh, I forgot a step:
4. Move the motorcycle that I bought after I bought a garage to the side to make room for my new Honda. That's a pretty cool bike, buddy- probably cost a pretty penny, too. Hey, is that why these weird suburban families never had a car before? Someone spent all the family money on a motorcycle? Seems kind of selfish.
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Mommy is sensible and calm as she notices something that looks odd to her about her baby. She takes advantage of her awesome United Healthcare coverage and has a video chat with a Real Live Doctor in the middle of the night because she can do that 'cause United Healthcare coverage.
This is all very straightforward and effective and to the point. Every parent has had moments of concern with a newborn. Wouldn't it be great to have access to instant peace of mind through your Smartphone? Of course it would. And you can get that through United Healthcare. Important message, well-delivered, cut to credits.
Oh but no, of course we can't just have a clear and simple commercial which effectively sells a product to a worried mom. We have to throw in a bumbling doofus dad who almost gets himself killed in the very complicated act of Backing Up In a Darkened Room. See, it's FUNNY because while baby is just fine, DADDY is now hurt and is perhaps in need of medical assistance himself. The clear, consise and effective message is tossed aside for a cheap sight gag because nothing trumps the Stupid Dad Being Stupid trope. NOTHING.
Sunday, March 24, 2019
I watched this ad several times without sound, and here's what I thought- this woman was dragging her two sick grandchildren to the pharmacy in the middle of the night because they both had high fevers. She had neglected to bring them to the doctor because she's a nurse and her schedule is just hell, but the situation finally went critical and she finally caved in and decided to get the prescription a coworker illegally wrote for them filled.
When the pharmacist rang up the total of $67, grandma recoiled at the idea of paying that kind of money just to break something as silly and common as a raging fever, and turned to bring her kids back home and re-apply the ice packs and hope for the best. Then the pharmacist pointed out that there's about 200 coupons available through the GoodRx app which cannot be used with health insurance but that doesn't matter because grandma/nurse doesn't have health insurance anyway. Pharmacist does a good job hiding her horror at the fact that grandma/nurse, while really wanting her grandkids to feel better, doesn't want that to the tune of $67. (Bet you wish this wasn't your weekend with grandma, kids!)
Finally, I watched the ad with sound- and it turns out that the grandma dragging her sick kids to the pharmacist in the middle of the night isn't grandma, she's mom (cripes! Why did you wait until you were fifty before you started having kids, lady?) And only the boy is sick- he needs a drug called "Pediasten" (40mg) which, as it turns out, it totally made up yet STILL costs $67! For the 40mg strength of a non-existent drug! Damn you Obamacare!!
So it turns out that MOMMY/nurse had "no idea" that she was a few swipes on her SmartPhone away from actually getting her kid the meds he needs. Oh, and she HAS health insurance but GoodRx gives her a better deal than her insurance can (by the way, why didn't she call her provider to ask if the medication was covered before dragging her kids to the pharmacy in the middle of the night? Why didn't she ask her DOCTOR when the meds were prescribed, so he could offer a generic alternative or something else or maybe even give her some free samples?)
The happy ending is that Mommy/nurse decides that while $8.90 is still pretty expensive- I mean, it's not $67, but it's not free either- you can buy four scratch-off tickets with that kind of money and have change left over- it's worth it if it eases her son's pain and lets her get a decent night of sleep for a change. Not quite sure why she doesn't take the lowest cost option that shows up on her screen, but I think we've already established this woman is not the sharpest scalpel on the tray. Enjoy your Pediasten, kid. I wonder why that ISN'T a real drug?
Saturday, March 23, 2019
Natural Gas doesn't just cook dinner! It also cooks the water in the faucet before it even hits the sink! What a time-saver!
It creates power. It IS power! It promotes mountain bike riding, somehow, shut up it just does! It produces adrenaline- not sure how, maybe we are supposed to huff it from sports bottles? Not quite sure what that's all about, but...Check out all these images of people doing super-cool stuff somehow related to the Awesome, Natural, Cheap, Natural, and abundant 'cause it's Natural energy of Natural Gas!
The United States (not private companies, shut up it's OUR power and it will continue to be OUR power, we'll just have to pay for it again 'cause reasons) is the leader in Natural Gas production! That's something to be proud of, again 'cause Reasons! "We" produce more than half the world's natural gas which is pretty awesome considering we're less than 4% of the world's population! 'Course, we are responsible for 25% of the world's energy consumption so maybe it's kind of fair that we chip in SOMETHING, so Natural Gas and Oil it is! Aren't we awesome!?
Oh, and Natural Gas does other stuff do. It pipes in jobs (we aren't paying AMERICANS to build this infrastructure after all!) It allows us to use cool 3D printers to do cool sciency stuff! Confused? Just read the damn captions and enjoy the upbeat music then! And support Natural Gas!
Any questions? Tough, the comment section is closed! Relax and enjoy another glass of Natural Gas in front of the TV, and don't sweat the small stuff!
Thursday, March 21, 2019
1. Why is the wife/mommy in this ad so determined to stand behind her husband at all times? Why does she stop with a confused look on her face when he stops, as if uncertain what to do next because Hubby isn't leading the way? I kind of get why their little son has stopped- maybe he's never been to a Cici's before (he's used to his parents being responsible adults and giving him nutritious food rather than poison to eat) and he's not willing to rush ahead without his parents- but Mom acts as if something terrible is going to happen to her if she doesn't let Hubby go first. That and that concerned, almost frightened look on her face makes this all more than a little off-putting.....
2. Why is dad stunned into immobility by the sight of multiple pizzas? What did he expect to find at Cici's? Ah, maybe he thinks he's living in real life, and he's never seen a CiCi's like this one before, because....
3. Why does the television version of Cici's never resemble a real-life version? On tv, they are always squeaky-clean and gleaming, and the pizzas are lined up perfectly on an equally clean table under immaculately clean sneeze guards as if the customers being highlighted are the first people to walk into the place at the opening bell. In real life, Cici's are disgusting pig troughs fifteen minutes after the doors have been unlocked. There's blobs of sauce everywhere, random slices of pizza are scattered all over the table, and it looks exactly what it is- a Golden Corral for people on a Budget who want to stuff as much sugar and empty carbs into their pie holes as possible for $5.99 each. None of the customers look like they pull down more than $20 K annually. They ARE mostly young families with kids who don't want the headache of the Chuck E Cheez but just want to store up a lot of calories for not much money.
4. What's the appeal of Cici's to anyone with more than $10 in their pockets and just a little bit of taste? It's an all-you-can-eat junk pizza and cinnamon buns leper colony. It's not even really that cheap- the price I normally see posted is $5.99, with the fountain soda not included. All the "food" is engineered to fill you up fast with coma-inducing carbohydrates and sugar (yeah, there's a salad bar, but who the heck is going to Cici's for the salad bar?) So what are we talking about- two slices of pizza and a cinnamon bun and a cup of soda for $8? How is that a bargain?
Of course, it's not. It just LOOKS like one, like every All You Can Eat buffet looks like one. Just like all $199 per month lease deals look like one. It's not hard to con stupid people into thinking they are getting a great deal because Check Out The Price Tag. I live in the United States. I know.
I watched or listened to the first five seconds of this ad about 200 times before watching it all the way through (simply for the purpose of using it at this blog.) Thank god for the Skip Ad feature, but the first five seconds are painful enough....
1. What does any of this have to do with car insurance?
2. Nothing racist at ALL about showing an Asian guy engaging a group of ninjas (or whoever, I don't watch this again) in defense of....something....I don't know. And of course it's an Asian guy who is just a stupid fat middle-class schlub who has been fantasizing about being a martial arts expert/secret agent when he was supposed to be discussing car insurance. And I guess all this has to do with "style" which, again, has exactly WHAT to do with car insurance?
Any chance any future car insurance ads will actually explain the coverage offered? Any chance at all?
Sunday, March 17, 2019
Ah, the good old days- when portraying certain nationalities as cartoonish cliche'd caricatures was just fine because Hey I Know People Like This And They Think It's Funny.
Here's a family of....well, I'm going to guess they're Irish, only because it's about ten thousand time even more offensive if they are not..."celebrating" St Patrick's Day by heading off to McDonald's and ordering green milkshakes and wearing stupid green plastic bowlers because That's How You Show You're Irish and that You're Proud of Your Irish Heritage. Then they do a little dancing because That's How Irish People Are, too. Later the kids will walk in the parade while grampa gets blasted at O'Dooley's like he does every weekend anyway. The day ends with the whole family gathered around the tv to watch Notre Dame win the 1977 NCAA title on VHS.
I'm sorry, but this is pretty rank, nasty stuff even if it is just making fun of the whitest people on the planet. I'm guessing it wouldn't pass the smell test today. Certainly if it did manage to accidentally make it on to the airwaves, it would be greeted with protests and "grow up you SJW snowflakes I know Irishmen and they all love this ad" counter-protests. Heck, since everything old is new again, I wonder why McDonald's doesn't just throw this ad on tv for today and today only to see how much attention they can get out of it.
(One thing people might note is that in 1983, these milkshakes didn't even come topped with whipped cream. It's as if people back then thought that there were enough empty calories in these things without it. Weirdos.)
Saturday, March 16, 2019
I'll use my usual excuse first: the internet simply wasn't a thing back in 1985. When this ad first appeared on tv, I was a Sophomore in college and probably too busy working on an essay assignment or studying for anthropology with my girlfriend to take much notice of stupid commercials. But also, being a non-pet owner it's very easy for me to just tune out during ads featuring food for the dirty little mammals some people just insist on populating their homes with.
Anyway, a few things about this vintage Fancy Feast commercial: First, there's the butler bringing in a tray holding about a dozen cans of the stuff to show the "customer." What, is that cat going to pick out which flavor it wants to eat tonight? I kind of doubt it- so why not just open the can somewhere else and just bring in the food? Why go through the trouble of stacking all those cans and carrying them on a tray into a room just so you can open one and bring the rest back? Think this butler guy ever took a moment to reflect on how horrible wrong his life had gone?
Also, what's with the idea of serving the food in a wine glass (is that a wine glass? Or a tiny candy dish? I really don't know what that container would be used for if not cat food- but are there really cat dishes that look like this? If so, why? Are they made of glass? Plastic? I bet plastic. Is it safe to assume that this glass/dish thing is for the exclusive use of the cat, and it's not going to be washed and added to the family china set?)
Why is the very least impressive thing shown in this ad the actual cat food? It just looks like cat food, at least until it's flaked with the fork. Then it looks like cat food that's been doctored up to make it look better than it is (didn't work.) Meanwhile, what's the cat thinking? My guess is it's thinking "just put the damn food down so I can get at it already."
I'd say people were weird in 1985- and I'd be right- but it's not like they are any better now. Check out radio ads for Vitabite dog food. Those people are INSANE. It was fun to be nostalgic for a few minutes, though. So there is that.
Friday, March 15, 2019
Nobody Nobody NOBODY has a fixed idea in their heads of what a "Buick" looks like, sorry Buick!
And Nobody Nobody Nobody says things like "that's my Buick," "where's my Buick?" or "how are we all going to fit into your Buick?" Because no matter how hard you want us to think of them like BMWs or Audis, they aren't BMWs or Audis. They are just freaking cars- cars that impress nobody, cars that look like every other car that isn't a BMW or Audi.
Sunday, March 10, 2019
I guess this would have been even FUNNIER if this woman's friend hadn't been holding on tightly when she was pushed and ended up suffering a severe injury. Wouldn't that have been an absolute laugh riot?
Meanwhile, this woman feels "absolutely secure" in using her instant-pay Federal Navy Credit Union app while in the middle of the woods, connected via who knows what crappy, probably very insecure service. Why anyone would need to use this app is beyond me- I go away from time to time, even into the woods, and manage to get my bills paid without EVER using my phone to do it because, well, I'm capable of planning ahead. I can use my laptop from home or even write a check and mail it now and then rather than wait till the last minute when I have to interrupt a vacation including tromping through the woods to get on an App and send money I could have sent before I left the freaking house. What the hell is with you people, anyway?
I'd like to end with a shout-out to a very special YouTube commentator named Vince Cartelli. Vince Cartelli is very, very upset with all us snowflakes who don't like ads like this. Actually, I'm not even sure that "upset" is the right word. It's bigger than that. Vince sounds like he sees complaints about commercials as a sure sign that the End Times are upon us. For the sake of your own heart rate, I want you to avoid this blog at all costs, Vince. But by all means, keep after those Triggered Social Justice Warrior Snowflakes! You tell 'em, Vince!
Saturday, March 9, 2019
"It's fine.... your human isn't listening...."
And nor should she. If Wells Fargo wants to make an ad in which a dog "talks" to the dog in the viewer's home, the viewer should feel perfectly free to tune out and let that dog deliver whatever message it wants to the viewer's dog. Hey Wells Fargo, if you can sell my goldfish a line of credit, feel free to do that, too. But you don't get to insult me with this crap and think you're going to win me (the one with the actual money and language skills and legal ability to seek you out for a mortgage) over with noxious, manipulative nonsense like this.
Meanwhile, to those of you who think steaming piles of dung like the Talking/Thinking Like a Human Trope is still cute (or ever was,) let alone persuasive, let my remind you that the dog featured in this ad has no idea it's being filmed, has no idea that a horrifically annoying human voice is being used to narrate it's non-thoughts, or that it's being used to sell a product it can't come anywhere close to comprehending. Because it's a f--king DOG. It thinks "its human" is a bigger, more powerful dog it must respect if it wants to survive. The "home of its dreams" is a shelter with enough warmth to be comfortable and enough food to allow it to continue to carry out its regular bodily functions. That's IT.
Thursday, March 7, 2019
1. The family in this ad is so uninterested in the free chicken and biscuits which has suddenly shown up at their doorway that they have no reaction at all to the Robocop character presenting it. In fact, when the character repeats the offer, one member of the family actually attempts to "shush" it, I guess so she can focus on the thirty-year old* film on her screen.
2. It's not until the Robocop character actually threatens the family with punishment unless it "complies" within fifteen seconds that the family lunges for the fried bird parts. So the message of this commercial seems to be "you'd never voluntarily consume this crap. You will, however, agree to eat it if faced with violence if you don't."
3. What is it with KFC and it's never-ending parade of Colonel Sanders impersonator spokeschoads? Randy Quaid has had the job. Then Darrell Hammond. Norm Macdonald had the gig for a while and seemed to be doing ok. George Hamilton, Ray Liotta...and about five minutes ago, KFC made a bit of a splash by hiring Jason Alexander for the role of fried chicken huckster who died forty years ago. Is getting hired for this gig just a matter of hanging around Hollywood long enough?
*Which Robocop film is this family watching? I hope it's not the original, which is way too violent for that kid, and probably not something anyone wants to be watching while eating. If it's Robocop 3 or the more recent remake it's nothing anyone wants to be watching period.
Monday, March 4, 2019
So I guess James Harden is just fascinated by the workings of the modern microwave oven. Can't say as I blame him, it's not like microwave ovens didn't become common household appliances years before he was born.
He's so fascinated in fact that instead of putting the chinese food container in, setting the timer (five minutes? Have you ever used one of these things, James? That's not a large amount of food) and walking away, he just stands there staring at the window. I guess his plan was to just stand there staring at it for five minutes. Maybe watching it go 'round and 'round is super-fascinating for some people. I got over it myself, when I was, oh, five or six.
Harden's decision to just stand there and watch the food go 'round and 'round doesn't pay off however because when he sees the metal handle on the chinese food container spark, he doesn't do what 99.99 percent of adults would do- quickly open the door to prevent a fire or any damage to the oven. Instead, he just keeps staring at it. So first we learned that James Harden likes to watch chinese food containers go 'round and 'round through the glass window of microwave ovens. And now we've learned that James Harden is one of the one in ten thousand adults out there who do not know how to react when the item being heated up lets off a spark.
And then we learn even more about James Harden- when the container bursts into flames, he.....continues to just stand there and watch. He really, really enjoys looking at that microwave do it's work, it's so mesmerizing. First it spins food, then it sparks, then it turns into a little fireplace. And Harden just stands there.
In the end, James Harden lets out a little scream- I guess it's suddenly occurred to him- about two minutes after it would have occurred to everyone else- that something is not quite right here- and his response is not to call the fire department or get out of the house, but to let out a little scream. Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man" responded about 100 times more intelligently to a smoking countertop stove. I'm frankly surprised that Harden survived his little adventure with the microwave oven- does a deleted scene show him being carried out of the burning kitchen like a mannequin by the local fire department?
And here's a depressing endnote- how much money did James Harden make in the time it took for that fire to start? Probably more than you make in a month. Understanding that you should not put metal in a microwave is an overrated quality. Being able to quickly respond to the resulting malfunction is also overrated. Being able to dribble a basketball? Here's some more cash.
Sunday, March 3, 2019
"Saturated" is being charitable. How about "inundated," "done to death," or just plain ENOUGH ALREADY?
I mean, who the heck thinks that what we really need is another option to allow us to watch more television? Don't we already have Hulu and Netflix and Amazon and YouTube and Plex etc. etc. ETC. feeding our apparently insatiable appetite for brain candy? Does anyone f--ng read or just take walks or have conversations or just commute with their thoughts anymore?
Ugh, I feel like an old man shaking his fist at the clouds. But I also feel like I'm justified in doing it. This is a seriously messed-up world we're living in.
Earth to People: Watching TV is not the be-all and end-all of existance. It really isn't. There's so much more to life than staring at that stupid f--ng screen. At least, there is for me. The rest of you? Well, you're free to make your own choices. But could you at least stop watching long enough to operate that motor vehicle in a way that doesn't threaten my life on a daily basis? Please? Because I kind of LIKE the life I have, most of the time.
Saturday, March 2, 2019
Because a commercial which was totally devoid of humor - not to mention any information at all concerning the product allegedly being sold- was pretty popular among the paint-huffers a decade ago, let's repackage this stale pile of dung as "The Best of Geico" and put it back on the airwaves. It's not like it's audience has grown one ounce more mature since then. Heck, Donald Trump wasn't even president when this originally aired after all.
So here's your nostalgia fix for the day. Remember when those CGI squirrels intentionally caused a horrific, fatal car accident and then celebrated with fist bumps? Remember how funny that was because we never saw the results for the people in the car but in fact only heard some mild crashing noises (no screaming or sobbing or anything like that, because that's totally not associated with car crashes in real life?) Remember how we could enjoy watching those hilarious squirrels celebrating their success at causing multiple injuries because those injuries were off-screen and therefore non-existant?
Remember also how we turned our brains off and never considered for one moment why a non-suicidal squirrel would want to do this in the first place? Remember how we never wondered how many of these stupid squirrels failed to consider how many of those drivers were on their cell phones and ended up being smushed like- well, like squirrels- as those drivers went on their merry ways after briefly wondering what that little "thump" noise under their wheels was all about?
Ever wonder why companies like Geico have so little respect for their audience? Well, I've got an answer to that. Check out the comment section, if you dare.
Friday, March 1, 2019
Meet the cult leaders who want you to buy into the idea that you are just a "free" ($2000) seminar away from unlocking the secrets to house-flipping (just another $30K investment required) so you can become successful just like these adorable people. Think they might be trying to scam you? Come on, look how sweet they are, and check out that adorable dog! Nobody who talks about their dog the way this wonderful couple does could be anything but 100 percent honest, right?
So tune into the next chapter of "Meet the Yancey's," get to know these amazing people who Just Want to Show You How to Be The Best You Can Be Just Like Them, and maybe you'll learn how to get rich while sitting on the couch. Well no, not really- Scott Yancey and his Wife From Central Casting don't teach their "students" how to create youtube videos designed to draw suckers into "free" seminars which look and sound like revival meetings. They teach you how to empty your wallet into their bank account to learn how to (yawn, seriously, still?) flip houses. In other words, the packaging is shiny and new but there's nothing original about the product; cripes, hucksters were pitching this garbage before the internet was a thing. I bet you can still find this basic pitch on VHS tapes somewhere, sold to some loser forty years ago in a commercial which showed up during Late Night Monster Theater on Channel 56. It was probably more convincing than the version these wax figurines present here.
Oh and by the way, Yanceys? Unless the title meant "Meet the Yancey's Dog," there's no reason for the apostrophe before the "s" in Yanceys. Maybe your marketing guru should invest in Grammarly?
Oh, and one more thing: check out this hilarious "unbiased review" of the Yancey pitch. Gag.
Thursday, February 28, 2019
Allstate's Mayhem Commercials are black holes of comedy, which explains why Americans love them so much
See, it's funny 'cause the black guy keeps yelling "what?" That makes it funny. And it gets more funny every time he yells "what?"
Plus it's got that guy who has done this mayhem thing like a thousand times in a thousand different commercials. That never gets old, 'cause I've got the brain of a chick pea and I like stuff that's familiar and not too hard to think about.
I hope they keep making these mayhem commercials 'cause I like them they make me laugh and that's what I look for in commercials. I love it when the mayhem guy gets hurt too, plus when that other guy keeps yelling "what?" And best of all I like telling people on YouTube how much I like these commercials. I was gonna just reply "what?" but like a dozen people already did that LOL. I'm gonna do it anyway though 'cause "what?"
Tuesday, February 26, 2019
At booking.com, we can't promise that your kids won't be bored out of their minds twenty minutes into that vacation to the middle of nowhere to pan for pretty dirt in a creek unless that big not-cabin you rented has excellent WiFi, but we can guarantee the best possible rate for that vacation your wife and kids will be complaining about for years to come and which ended any chance that your vacation suggestions would ever be taken seriously again by your family.
I may be being a bit generous with the "twenty minutes" estimate. That looks like a pretty nice cabin. I think it's more likely that inside of fifteen minutes the children in this ad are long past any interest in dipping a screen into a creek and are sitting in that cabin checking out the satellite package and texting nasty comments about Stupid Dad and his Stupid Idea of Fun to their friends who are at a cool beach or amusement park someplace. Maybe the cabin has a hot tub? Something? Anything that doesn't lead everyone to angrily demand an explanation for why the family's two freaking weeks of vacation per year is being spent a few miles down the road from Jackson Hole Bible College and a thousand miles from Planet Interesting?
Sunday, February 24, 2019
1. It's perfectly normal to Josie Gonzalez (who is really cute, btw) to be handed financial advice from Danny DeVito because....well, because this is television, I guess.
2. It's perfectly fine to portray a dog groomer living in a freaking palace in the suburbs. Because dog groomers running their own small, one-employee businesses regularly make $250K annually. Uh-huh.
3. Josie Gonzalez doesn't have a single line in this entire ad. Why not? I strongly suspect that it's because Danny DeVito, for all his concern for the success of this small business, had zero interest in sharing lines with a non-actor. So Josie Gonzalez is oddly mute during her scenes, which comes off as more than a little awkward and weird.
Saturday, February 23, 2019
So instead of spending thirty seconds chopping up a cup of cold turkey and cheese and adding a handful of nuts, this woman is going to buy the same thing in "convenient" packaging which will be sitting in a landfill leaching toxins for the next ten thousand years. And she'll feel superior doing it.
Only the country which created Lunchables and put Sunny Delight in 4-ounce plastic bottles and taught us all how to drink coffee brewed in individual plastic cups could pull this off AND sell it as a virtue.
Friday, February 22, 2019
Oh look, it's another one of those commercials which feature a very straightforward offer that must be questioned by half a dozen people who are too rock-brained to get it the first five times. Aren't those always so hilarious?
I almost want the Dominos Pizza Spokeschoad to respond to "what about anchovies?" with "well, no, that's the exception to our Any Pizza offer. No anchovies. Glad you asked. We forgot about that one." I also wish he had responded to the dog with the chew toy with either "no, the offer is for humans only" or "I'd stick with that rubber pizza, I can almost guarantee it tastes better than anything Dominos makes."
In the end, it's all about bribing us to put down that GOOD pizza we've been eating and buy a BAD pizza from Dominos on the theory that Cheap is Better than Good.
And I'm not going to even point out that the only black woman in the entire commercial has no other lines other than "WHAAAAAAAA???" Haha, sassy black women are so funny, aren't they? Another winner, Dominos! I guess after Papa John, you pretty much have carte blanche to do anything now, don't you?
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
Finally having some Quality Time with her thoughts, weird twitchy airhead proceeds to waste that time thinking vacant non-thoughts no human being with two brain cells to rub together thinks. And, as implied previously, must summon a significant amount of facial muscle energy to accomplish even that.
(I mean, seriously- I can almost hear the director yelling "show me Confusion! Show me Contemplation! Now give me a quizzical look!" No Oscar nominations in this woman's future, that's for sure.*)
This woman is recognized* by a trophy wife driving the same vehicle who assumes that the first woman- when she isn't struggling to contort her face to let us know she's "thinking" things- is green and all that, whatever. And the punchline is that the first woman is just taking the opportunity to jam a giant sandwich into her mouth at the light. This is funny Because Reasons.
Not too much more to say about this ad, except to note that it's the first car commercial I've seen in ages which actually mentions certain attributes of the automobile beyond it's WiFi capablities. We don't even see anyone yakking on their phones in this ad, which is at least one small step forward. It's still a gigantic Salute to Stupid, but at least it doesn't promote behavior that puts me in danger every time I cross the street. I do wish that it didn't suggest that driving a two-ton piece of metal that keeps the DRIVER safe is a good time to list the most banal thoughts that have ever popped into the head of any biped ever, but I know that suggesting it's time better spent paying attention to one's surroundings is a bridge too far for most people, so I'll take what I can get.
*I see that this is another You're Supposed To Know Who This Is commercial featuring a Well-Known To People Addicted to Some Mind-Numbingly Dumb Show actress. Proud to say that I don't know who she is, nor do I care.
Sunday, February 17, 2019
Disgusting Scraping the Barrel Febreze Commercial reminds us that we are held in infinite contempt by advertisers
You can't smell Dave's farts. That's it. They don't smell, for some reason. They never did. And everyone noticed that they don't smell and everyone celebrates that fact, from Dave's parents to the would-be trophy wife who wasn't good enough for the guy whose farts didn't stink. Even the janitor mopping the locker room has fond memories for Dave, and I don't even want to think about why he's remembering Dave's odorless fecal release as he's mopping the locker room floor.
Sigh. Yeah, we get it. We got it ten seconds in, yet you gave us another minute and a half of this nonsense.
Because, you see, the people who are coming to your Party to Watch the Patriots Win Again aren't Dave. They are going to stink up your bathroom. So you'd better get Febreze.
Meanwhile, Dave doesn't even know what Febreze is- and since he can't read and continues to live with his mother well into his twenties, he asks her what it is. His mother would know, being a girl and all. WTF-ever, Febreze. I can't help thinking that this commercial was made exclusively for the glue-sniffers at YouTube to LOL THIS IS HILARIOUS I LOVE THIS BTW WHAT IS THAT SONG crowd, but even they didn't jump at bait THIS obnoxiously obvious. That's something, anyway.
Saturday, February 16, 2019
I finally got around to watching this film the other day. I didn't have much by way of expectations; after all, I saw the first one and thought it was a predictably blah flick. But at least it didn't make me angry. This one made me angry. More about that later.
First, let's talk about Michael B Jordan. Is this guy a sought-after actor nowadays, and if so, may I ask why? He has all the emotional range of Derek Zoolander. He's like a male Alicia Vikander. He's got exactly one look- sullen, surly, angry, morose, whatever you want to call it, there it is, on his face, at all times. He's not at all interesting- in fact, I'd call his "characterizations" (to be charitable) downrght boring. The only time in this film he shows any recognizable human traits is when he's writhing away on the canvas, crying and holding his crushed ribs. More about THAT later, too.
Second, the story. I'm pretty sure the character of Creed was a light-heavyweight in the first film. I guess that wasn't sexy or audience-friendly enough, so he's suddenly a heavyweight in the sequel, whatever. I guess if we can look past the fact that he's supposed to be the son of someone who died in 1985 yet I'm pretty sure is supposed to be in his mid-twenties, we can overlook the sudden weight jump, too.
My real problem is the mixed message/dropped plot point of the second fight. The first time Creed fights Viktor Drago, he gets so badly beaten up that he suffers broken ribs and a ruptured kidney. Drago gets disqualified, which ticked me off at first but then when the reporters are shouting questions at surly (what else?) Creed at the hospital, I thought Creed might say "hey, he kicked my butt, I was going to lose anyway, give him the belt." That might have been cool. But nah.
But here's the kicker: Rocky doesn't want Creed to fight again- Creed's wife is pregnant, he was almost killed in the first fight, nothing more to prove, etc. etc. and most importantly, Rocky is still wracked with guilt for not throwing in the towel when Apollo was being annihilated by Ivan Drago way back in 1985. He tells Adonis straight on that darn it, he should have thrown that towel, he'll never forgive himself for not throwing that towel, if he had thrown in the towel Apollo might have been upset but he would have been spared to build a relationship with his child, and would have eventually realized how stupid risking his life for one more moment in the sun truly was.
But in the rematch, Adonis gets beaten up again and is dropped to the canvas by brutal body punches. He's literally crying with pain as he's lying on the canvas, clutching his re-crushed rib cage- and Rocky doesn't throw in the towel. Instead, he begs Adonis to get back up (so does Adonis' wife, which is beyond bizarre.) So Viktor can finish him off, I guess. I mean, the referee clearly isn't going to rescue Creed- he's not going to stop the fight until Creed vomits up his other kidney from the looks of things. But I thought Rocky was remorseful because he could have saved Creed's father but froze instead and didn't throw that towel. So, what the hell?
(Before the final round, Rocky asks Adonis- who is clearly in a great deal of pain, with one eye closed, if he wants to throw in the towel. Adonis can't even answer- and Rocky mutters approvingly "I didn't think so." Again- what the hell? Did the writers just want to make it clear that Rocky learned absolutely nothing from that 1985 fight and that all his "shoulda thrown the towel" nonsense was just that, nonsense?)
And then Creed, with his caved-in lungs, gets up and stops Viktor with a series of head shots which come out of nowhere. Time is running out in the final round but Viktor's dad demonstrates that he's the only person around with even a shred of humanity and throws in the towel himself, rescuing his son, though it was pretty obvious that had he not done so Viktor would have won, as the ref was being totally fair in his handling of the bout- the fight would continue until Creed expelled that kidney or Viktor's head was deposited into the third row.
I don't usually play script doctor, but here's how this film could have ended in a much more realistic and perfectly satisfying way: Creed is the challenger, having opted to hand Viktor the belt despite the disqualification. In the rematch Creed does much better despite being badly hurt again, and may even be gaining the upper hand late in the fight, but it's also clear that he's suffering from internal bleeding and could die if the contest continues. Creed knocks down Viktor and has him in serious trouble but its clear that he can't finish him off without an effort that could cost him his life- so as he's on the attack, Rocky throws in the towel. Creed is upset and angry until he sees his wife climbing into the ring and realizes that the almost became his father in the worst way, being willing to sacrifice years with his child for one great moment of glory. He closes the circle by shrugging off the fight and embracing his wife, leaving Viktor with a belt which now means nothing to him.
Ok, now that that's fixed, I can get back to snarking on commercials. And Michael B. Jordan can get back to those acting lessons. And Sylvester Stallone can stop making these films already.