Saturday, January 19, 2019

Wait....what?



So if you are so burned out on life that you can't be bothered to notice that your grandchild has opened up a box of something and is spilling it all over the place, the smart thing to do is book a flight to a vineyard where you can get drunk and ignore the fact that your grandchild is running through a vineyard all over the place?

Seems to me that the grandmother in this ad (that's not the kids mother, is it?  She looks at least sixty years older than the kid, right?) doesn't need a break as much as the people working in the grocery store, who have to clean up after little kids who aren't being tended to by idiot old people who bring their grandchildren to stores and let those grandchildren treat the produce like toys.  Just sayin'.


Friday, January 18, 2019

But those people at Liberty Tax never told me nothing about this



I'm a little concerned about an adult with at least one dependent child who is not aware that child care costs are deductable.  Not for this guy's wallet, but for that child.  Because I don't have any kids, but because I've filled out tax forms before I'm aware that you can claim child care costs and get a deduction for them.

Somehow, this stupid slob managed to get someone to have sex with him, produce a kid, incur child care expenses, and yet through all that never learn that those expenses are deductable.  I don't know how this happened unless he's either a pampered brat who until this year always had this stuff done for him (maybe he's recently divorced from a woman who did the taxes for the family before she got sick of being married to a clueless child) or he's just really, really stupid and it never occurred to him that JUST MAYBE he should ask if he could deduct child care expenses before just shrugging and sending the feds more money than they were entitled to.

Oh, wait- there's another possibility.  Maybe he spent years moving from state to state to avoid paying child support before finally being tracked down by the authorities and being forced into accepting his financial responsibilities.  Now that he's being compelled to act like an adult, he needs to learn the rules, including the rules involving the deduction of child care costs.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Who really needs to "be prepared," TruStage?



If I were to suddenly die, all my problems would be instantly solved.  What calls do I have to make, what papers do I have to sign, before I die?  Oh, none?  Then what do I have to worry about?

I'm not the one who is supposed to "be prepared."  This commercial isn't about the person who has suddenly kicked off at all.  It's about all those deadbeats and freeloaders who have been living off the body of the recently deseased and who now realize that the awesome ride is over and it's time to be Independent.  Finally.

So anyone who depends on me for money, a place to live, internet connectivity, regular cellphone updates, vacations, rides to soccer practice G-D DAMN IT IT NEVER ENDS DOES IT ITS ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME needs to prepare for that moment WHICH WILL COME SOMEDAY I PROMISE YOU when I am no longer around TO BE BLED TO DEATH BY YOUR ENDLESS DEMANDS.  All of YOU have to prepare for the day you can no longer be leeches sucking the very LIFE out that PERSON YOU KNOW WHO WORKS FOR A LIVING AND PROVIDES ALL THIS FOR YOU.  That means getting a job and saving your money and preparing for the day when YOU GET TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.

In short, this commercial has nothing to do with me at all.  It's not a warning for me.  It's a warning for you.  Because whatever problems pop up because I died and didn't leave you enough money to continue your dream life without labor, they are going to be your problems, not mine.  I'll be enjoying the sweet, sweet embrace of warm, lovely death.  Away from you, you grasping, life-sucking money vampires. 

Love ya bunches!

Monday, January 14, 2019

Oh Oh Oh it's ear-bleeding crap from Once Weekly Ozempic



The only thing more cringe-worthy than this monstrously stupid ad is the series of comments that follow it on YouTube.  Seriously, they basically come down to this:

Several people simply quote the lyrics.  And others give those people thumbs-up for their "comments." 

One person says that the song "sounds a lot like 'it's magic' by Selena Gomez."  I wish I was kidding.  I'm not. 

Almost nobody actually points out that this comercial is mind-numbingly stupid and makes you want to fly to Los Angeles, track down the producers, and punch them in the face as hard as humanly possible.  And then track down all the stupid people who agreed to be in this ad and punch them even harder.  And then track down the surviving members of Pilot, hold a gun to their heads, and make them swear that they simply lost the copyright to their only hit and had no say in it's use in this horrible lump of a dangerous medication commercial.*

*I've seen this nasty stain on the soul of television at least a dozen times, and I still can't remember what Disease Not As Bad As The Symptoms Ozempic is supposed to treat.  The screen tells me that Ozempic is a Semaglutide Injection, which sounds something I'd rather avoid in any case.

Sunday, January 13, 2019

This Amazon Customer Review was rejected. Somebody please explain why.

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Men's Belt,Bulliant Leather Reversible Belt for Men With Single Prong Buckle in Gift Box, Trim to Fit★★★★★   from John F. Jamele on January 11, 2019
 
Beautiful and came very fast
 
I was surprised when this showed up two days after I ordered it; very impressive service. The belt itself is very attractive and sized exactly as ordered. Definitely recommend.
 
 
 
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Saturday, January 12, 2019

Less than two weeks in, Pepsi gives us 2019's Dumbest Commercial



Or at least the laziest.  Maybe I should have said "laziest."  Because there's no way it could possibly get lazier than this.

"They could win with a field goal....they're going to try to ice the kicker..." you know what, I'm not going to even get into the dumb color commentary.  Pepsi does more than enough to show it's utter contempt for its audience without getting into that. 

Instead, I'll note that every single person in this 60,000 seat stadium not only has a can of Pepsi (not beer, meaning that this is the only NFL game in history to be attended exclusively by 14-year olds) but a big plastic cup filled with ice to pour it into.  Where the hell did those come from?  Who drinks soda poured from cans into plastic cups filled with ice at a football game?  What kind of stupid bizarro world is this?

Oh wait, I almost forgot- it's a Pepsi Commercial.

Anyway, all these people with cups now filled with ice and Pepsi ("Ice" the kicker- get it? GET IT?  THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LAUGH, STUPID PEOPLE!) take a sip at the same time and let out an "ahhhh" as if there's something refreshing about Pepsi- or as if they haven't had a thing to drink in the previous three hours and are relieved to have SOMETHING, ANYTHING to quench their thirst, even if it's Pepsi.  Somehow this wave of stupid distracts the kicker or creates a sound wave or something which causes the field goal attempt to fail, cue applause, cue end of very, very stupid ad.

Congratulations, Pepsi.  We are all a little bit dumber from watching this stupid, obvious nub of insult posing as a commercial.  Well done.  Nothing released over the next 11 and a half months is going to come close to this when it comes to vacant, vapid asshattery.  Mazel Tov on your release of a virtual black hole of an ad, brilliantly devoid of even the slightest hint of entertainment value.  I'm in awe.

4imprint- because people really care about the quality of giveaway crap



When we are introduced to the character of Ernie Capadino (played by Jon Lovitz)  in the film A League of Their Own, he's sitting next to a salesman on a train.  The salesman is gushing with incredible enthusiasm about how he's traveling around the country pitching some product or another and how he's about to be promoted director of his company's western sales branch or something.  Capadino responds by laughing and telling the salesman "if I had your job, I'd kill myself."

I know it will sound mean, but that's exactly how I feel whenever I watch one of these ridiculous commercials for a company called 4Imprint.  I mean, try to imagine working for this company.  Your job is to pitch a service that slaps some other company's logo on everything from coffee travel mugs to ball point pens which can then be handed out as free crap at trade shows.  You have to know that none of this garbage is going to convince anyone to use any service, but will instead be used to replace the fading, dented, or lost (probably left on a train or at school or wherever because it has zero value to its owner) junk picked up at the LAST trade show.  4imprint doesn't even make the garbage.  It just stencils a name on garbage.  Wow, I'm sure that's what the stupid chirpy woman in this ad dreamed of doing when she was growing up. 

I'll be heading off to Louisville to grade for Educational Testing Service for the 11th straight year in June.  When I get there, I'll be handed a "welcome bag" which will probably include a travel mug, umbrella and almost unbelievably cheap carrying case all emblazoned with the logo for AP and The College Board.  The umbrella will be broken before summer is out.  The travel mug will still be around (if I haven't misplaced it) but the logo will be rubbed off by the end of the year.  I probably won't even bring the carrying case back with me because- well, there's only so much room in that suitcase.  But I sure hope that nobody actually took pride in making sure that stupid logo was slapped on that stupid junk Just Right to Impress Me, because that would be really, really sad.

Friday, January 11, 2019

In Xfinity land, Electronic Babysitters are the most awesome of all



Eventually, this kid will get hungry and discover that mommy and daddy abandoned her to her children and her bestest electronic friend to go spend the holidays in Aruba. 

Seriously, what the hell is going on here?  Someone just handed this kid a very expensive electronic device with access to cable, Netflix etc. and said "have fun with your dolls, kid, but be sure to just stay in this room?"  Little Daughter looks like the most socially isolated, lonely little twit in the universe, with her sole comfort an iPad with excellent connectivity.   At least she's been trained not to access "inappropriate" material on her filter-free Stimulus Machine.

Ok, maybe Mommy and Daddy didn't actually abandon this kid- maybe it's January 1 and they are just passed out in the other room, and Daughter knows better than to disturb them until at least noon.  Still, this is a pretty disturbing commercial. 

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Seriously, though- someone explain this State Farm ad to me



The guy in this ad is dreaming of the "perfect life" which could be protected by State Farm Insurance- he imagines his wife making lawn sculptures, his son (or somebody, I don't know- that part where he nods at dad creeps me out too much for some reason) about to dive into a swimming pool, etc in the back yard of a big suburban mansion which includes a big yard to water....

And then the daydream is interrupted, to reveal...that the guy actually does have a swimming pool in the back yard of a big suburban mansion with a big yard to water.  The only difference is that his family are real people doing real stupid hick things around that big swimming pool, and not the perfect people he was daydreaming they were.

Since State Farm isnt' going to turn his stupid hick family into a Trophy Wife and Trophy Children, it's kind of hard to see what the point is here.  State Farm can help protect this dumb, ugly family from disaster so they can keep being dumb and ugly and the bane of the neighborhood?  So when dad kills himself with the toaster and makes it look like an accident, the rest of these jackasses can live off his insurance policy?  If that's the case, well....ok, go protect that and be my guess.  If that's not the case, well....the offer is still open.  Someone, please, explain this one to me. 

Monday, January 7, 2019

Weird Credit Union Commercial apparently played for laughs which never arrive



So at the beginning of this ad, Future Daddy is trying to put together a crib for a baby which has not quite arrived yet.  He's interrupted by Very Pregnant Future Mommy, who pulls that obnoxiously cutesy "we" bit when she tells Future Daddy "we're early."  Not going to get into that at all except to say-- no, "we" are not.

And here's where the ad goes completely off the rails.  Instead of immediately getting Future Mommy to the hospital, Future Daddy stops off at a store to clean it out of diapers, talcum powder and whatever the heck else is considered Very Important Stuff for new babies.  Future Mommy is sitting in the parking lot, in the car, beeping the horn- maybe to remind Future Daddy that she's still waiting to be taken to the hospital to have their baby.  I really hope that among the thoughts flying through her head is one that resembles "Oh my god I married a guy who thinks that we need to bring diapers and talcum powder and formula to the hospital with us, what the hell did I get myself into here?"

Everything works out ok- Future Daddy uses his Credit Union Debit Card to buy the stuff really fast and they get to the hospital on time (I assume, I mean, we don't see anyone giving birth in a parking lot) and in the final scene we see Mommy and Daddy and new Baby who (for the moment) has no idea what an incredibly stupid human being Daddy is.  He'll have plenty of time to find out, assuming Daddy doesn't accidentally kill him before he gets the chance.

Sunday, January 6, 2019

Boost the Insanity!



Someone tell this grinning idiot that the reason you attach a lens to a camera is so you can take a close-up without actually physically jamming the camera into the subject's face. And that if you want to convince me to drink this canned junk, don't behave as if it contains Speed. 

Seriously. what the hell is wrong with you, stupid lady? 

(Oh and BTW, I'm not at all surprised that this is another Blocked Comments video.  Boost doesn't want any blowback for what is an obviously really, really stupid ad.

Saturday, January 5, 2019

Turbo Tax is free, until it isn't



The YouTube comment posters really love this commercial- they love bleating "free," they like brownnosing all over TurboTax, and one even says that he loves the ad so much he'd buy the service except it's free.  Uh huh.

Here's the thing.  I've been a TurboTax customer for nine years.  I find the service extremely easy to use- possibly because I don't own anything and work with only two W2 forms- and generally am able to complete my Federal and State returns, pay the fees, and e-file in about half an hour.  I have never had a problem with any returns completed with the TurboTax program, and usually get emails confirming acceptance of them by the Feds and State authorities inside of 48 hours.  I've never waited longer than two weeks for my refunds to be direct deposited.  Yes, the service works.

But...note that I included "pay the fees" in describing my experience with TurboTax.  TurboTax is NOT, for all practical purposes, "free" in any way, shape or form.  On average I end up paying about sixty dollars to e-file my returns, and that's after refusing to upgrade to the "Deluxe" version which is totally unnecessary because, as I stated above, I don't own anything.  Meanwhile, I get the same "File For Free" message on the website which remains there right up to the moment I start filling out the little boxes.

Here's how it works.  TurboTax typically offers free filing of your state return, IF you pay for filing your federal return at the same time.  So it's "free" in the same way a soda is free, just pay for the can before you open it.  Here's a tip- if you end up taking out your credit card and giving your number to a company that asks you for sixty dollars to finish completing and filing your "free" returns, the program wasn't free.   If you get to a page where you get two choices- the "standard" filing assistance for $49.95 or the "deluxe" version for $79.95, the program isn't free.  If you are "offered" the opportunity to have the cost of the filing subtracted from your refund "for a small extra fee," THE PROGRAM ISN'T FREE.

Now, I haven't researched this fully, so it's entirely possible that there is a way to get TurboTax to do your returns for free.  I suspect that it would involve printing all the completed documents up yourself, sticking them into an envelope, and sending them to the IRS, and come with all kinds of disclaimers concerning how TurboTax is not responsible in any way for delays in the Feds or the State officials getting your returns or you getting your refund.  I suspect that the "free" version comes with zero support and is covered with warnings that if you take the "free" option you are setting yourself up for disaster Better Click That $39.95 Button At The Very Least.  Far more likely, the "free" claim references nothing more than the Free If You Pay For This deal I mentioned in the previous paragraph.

Oh, guess what- I decided to check on the "free" claim at the TurboTax website.  Turns out that you CAN get a free filing using TurboTax IF your filing fits these categories:

  • W-2 income
  • Limited interest and dividend income reported on a 1099-INT or 1099-DIV
  • Claim the standard deduction
  • Earned Income Tax Credit (EIC)
  • Child tax credits

I was quite correct in my prediction that using the free option means that you get no support from TurboTax if something goes wrong.  Nor do you have your documents stored in a safe place electronically unless you do that yourself.  So while you CAN technically file for free using TurboTax, it's a pretty bad idea.

Again- I use TurboTax. I LIKE TurboTax.  It works really, really well.  But the safe version is NOT  free.  Non-buyer beware.

Friday, January 4, 2019

Tom Brady's always too busy to do stuff like this



Heart-warming to know that Aaron Rodgers has a solid insurance policy on that palace he'll be living in with his one Superbowl ring after he's finally given his walking papers by Green Bay, isn't it?


Thursday, January 3, 2019

University of Phoenix: It says University in the name, so.....



Larry Fitzgerald promised his mom that when his playing career was over, he'd finish college- is that what I was supposed to get out of this?

And then his mom died, but Larry Fitzgerald didn't forget his promise.  He decided to go back to school.  Well, that's sweet and nice and all that.

But then, Larry Fitzgerald decided that instead of finishing college, he'd get a worthless piece of paper from a for-profit diploma mill Not-University, the "University" of Phoenix.  I'm not at all sure that's what your mom had in mind, Larry.

But check out the YouTube comments- the heart-strings have been tugged and the tears are flowing, allegedly.  None of these people have watched the documentary Fail State, obviously.  I suggest they do.  I also suggest that all you idiots claiming that John McCain was a brave, patriotic, caring American icon watch it too- and then you can explain to me why Mr. Maverick wouldn't even listen to testimony concerning the University of Phoenix and other institutions that rip off students and taxpayers but instead stalked out of the committeeroom in a huff after accusing Senator Tom Harkin of being "against profit."

Good luck with that communications "degree," Larry.  I hope it at least came with a fancy frame and maybe a set of Ginzu knives.  You should get SOMETHING of value out of all that money.