Saturday, November 16, 2019

Coming this Fall to NBC: Domino's 911!

This is one of the most unintentionally hysterical commercials out there, and that's saying a lot.

I mean, look at what's going on here:  The manager of a Domino's Pizza franchise gets a text message that tells him a recently delivered box of bland dough and sugary sauce topped with limp pieces of meat was "not quite up to standards."  He takes this "very personally," and acts exactly as if he's in command of an Emergency Care Unit rushing to the scene of a road accident. 

"We're going to expedite this order!" another franchiser who would be on suicide watch if she stopped to think for just one moment what she was panicking about  announces to her staff of high school dropouts and college students struggling to keep food on the table while getting that degree.  Because no matter what else is going on in that "restaurant," nothing is going to take precedence over dealing with the immediate tragedy of some taste-deprived loser in the 'burbs not getting exactly what they ordered on their Crap in a Box pizza.

"It might be a missing dipping sauce, it could be a wrong topping or it arrives cold..." yes, the Crisis could be any number of First World Problems that is a minor inconvenience to the customer but must be treated like a Life or Death matter to Domino's because....well, because if it's not Life or Death, we might stop to think about it for a second and blow our brains out.

At the end of all this nonsense, we see delivery monkeys literally roaring through the streets in their vehicles before sprinting up steps to hand over pizzas like they are transplanted organs being rushed into surgery.  And then we get the response of the stupid fat hicks who can't believe that they are being treated like f--ng royalty by a company willing to whip its employees into a frenzy to gain a competitive edge over PapaJohns, Little Caesars, Pizza Hut, etc. etc. ETC. 

In the end, I really do think that this should be a network tv drama.  Let's see the pain and anguish that comes from a crew of pretty young people who, try as they might, continue to occasionally fail to include mushrooms on that order or- distracted perhaps by a love triangle involving a cashier- miss a street and end up delivering the pizza at room temperature, resulting in a panicked Race Against Time to replace it during (lets say) a torrential rainstorm.  Let's use plenty of handheld cameras so we get a real sense of the pressure involved in getting just the right cup of dipping sauce out of the fridge and getting into the box with the Free This Month Only bottle of soda included and to that house in Bumblef--k USA before some arbitrary deadline that I guess exists because re-heating isn't an option.  I'm so ready for this, Network Television.  You've got a built-in sponsor .  Go for it!

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