Sunday, May 15, 2022

MadTV saw this Geico Commercial coming more than a decade ago


This garbage graced my television more than 30 times yesterday during some sportsball event while I was just looking for some background noise while grading essays and writing final exams.  "Noise" turned out to be exactly right- apparently Geico thinks that the only thing it really needs to sell insurance these days is jarringly, obnoxiously loud commercials.   

The current horse being beaten to death is the "our house is perfect except...." bit, which is super stupid as a one-off but downright grating when it's repeated in a dozen or more "different" ways, none of which even hint at the quality of the product being sold.  Thanks again, Geico, for helping me wear out my mute button.

Meanwhile, I thought that there was something about this ad that sounded familiar, and a quick YouTube search proved me Not Quite Insane Yet:  Check out MadTV's use of muppets in a mock Geico ad from the good old days of yesteryear- err, about 2010 or so:

Saturday, May 14, 2022

AT&T commercial featuring Lamelo Lavar, who I guess I'm supposed to know and recognize for some reason...


( I mean, he's "famous," right?)

"You still here?"  

Yeah, that's a phrase that any AT&T customer can relate to.  I imagine that every single one has, at one point while entering Hour Two of Waiting Around for Your Turn to Get Some Help, asked themselves some version of "I'm still here?" or "why am I still here?"  Because in real life, those AT&T employees aren't casually walking up to people who aren't even customers but are just hanging around because there's no place you'd rather be than a crowded, sweaty AT&T store filled with exhausted, stressed, bored customers and underpaid employees.

Oh, and "Employee of the Week?"  That wall is going to be completely covered inside of six months.  Then what?  The store going to find somewhere else to put framed professional photographs of the "employee of the week?"  I seriously doubt it.  "Employee of the Month" doesn't make much sense.  "Employee of the week" is another level of Implausible Stupidity. 

Oh, and I don't care who these people are.  Nor do I care how many YouTube Mouth-breathers "lost it" at the end because LOL OMG SO FUNNY.  This is dumb, dumb dumb and so are you idiots.  

Friday, May 13, 2022

Infinitely Insulting


This song is about a man who is heartbroken because the woman he loves is heading out on her own to explore the world without him.  It's not about a woman driving around in her LookAtMeMobile.  Cripes. 

I'm just hoping that Cat Stevens doesn't have control of this song anymore.  I'd hate to think of him as a sellout of this magnitude. 

And as for you YouTube commenters- I've said it before, I'll say it again:  What the hell is the matter with you people?

Sunday, May 8, 2022

Nobody Out-pizzas the hut when it comes to minimalist advertising


Believe it or not, the "actually it's only ten bucks" sneer is the Official Punchline of this Nothing Commercial for Crappy Pizza.  Well good for you, Mr. Robinson, heaven holds a place for those who pick up a paycheck shilling for life-shortening garbage.  

But if you actually eat this stuff and don't just sell it to the stupid mouth-breathing audience (like that stupid kid who feeds you your cue,) well, sneer and snigger while you can, because your heart isn't going to last much longer.  For it's sake, I hope you just hold and praise this pizza (come to think of it, the pizza itself is barely even mentioned in any of these ads- just it's cost) and don't attempt to consume it, at least not on a regular basis.  Because- and I have to be blunt here- you're going to die soon unless you get that waistline under control.  There's nothing funny about morbid obesity.  A lot about it which is painful and life-shortening, but nothing funny.

Saturday, May 7, 2022

Allstate joins the assault on Working from Home


Remember that whole series of nasty, anti-Work from Home commercials Apple dumped on us at the height of the pandemic?  It was called "The Outsiders" and it focused on a group of unmotivated slackers determined to cheat their employer out of productive hours by doing as little work as possible from their home "work stations."  

Well, I guess that Corporate America isn't quite done trashing employees yet, because here's another Lazy Good For Nothing Cheater Living High on the Hog at his Company's Expense commercial, this time from Allstate.  

Look at this guy.  He's got a substantial house with a swimming pool (and a faux Roman statue for decoration, nice subtle touch there, Allstate) which he's enjoying by sunning himself while pretending to be on a Zoom call.  Since he seems to be the host of the call, we can assume he's making more money than any of the other participants, but again, just look at him:  He's not paying any attention to the call.  He's not working.  All he cares about is his tan and his pool and (inexplicably) the fact that he's saving 25% by bundling home and auto insurance with Allstate.  This guy needs to get back to the office where the ceiling cameras can keep an eye on him, am I right?  This is what happens when we let the most productive workers in the world good for nothing slackers "work" from home- they will totally take advantage of their Saintly employers.   You know, like they did during that so-called pandemic that only existed to The Former Guy from his rightful office.

The message is clear:  American workers are worthless unless they are being carefully supervised.  Left to their own devices, they'll cheat the system and smile while doing it.  Working from Home is a necessary evil during lockdowns and all that, but it's time to get back to Normal, which means it's time to get back to rush hours and offices and the 9 to 5 (but keep your phone on before 9 and after 5, there's money to be made after all.)

*for sure, I'm a 25% savings away from having all this.  Sure, I am. 

Friday, May 6, 2022

KFC brings us an overflowing bucket of mmmm....STUPID!


"mmmmm.....I married into a family of mouth-breathers so witless and incapable of thinking about anything other than what is actually in front of their face, I can actually appreciate a few seconds of silence because seriously- if this is what they think about while eating, imagine the pointless drivel that comes pouring out of their mouths when they DO speak."

"I mean, they could at least notice that despite the fact that we all have chicken on our plates, the bucket is overflowing.  But hey, it's a KFC commercial so that's kind of a given, isn't it?"

Sunday, May 1, 2022

Here's another Home Computer Blast from the Past!


Ah, the good old days- when you could sell a computer by showing a kid pretending (badly) to type on a "professional keyboard" (when nobody had a computer at home, and very few people used one at work, what did this mean?  Whatever we want it to mean, of course!) and you could convince probably more than a few people that the system you were selling responded to voice commands (the kid says "ADAM, move that paragraph" while using the keyboard to move it- I bet we were supposed to think that the computer "obeyed" him.)

And that a project "you'll never finish by morning" will get done in approximately 15 seconds because you've got a word processor program which is doing absolutely nothing that can't be done with the electronic typewriter I relied on my freshman year of college- I'm not going to tell you what year that was, but the anniversary is coming up this month and the first number in the Announcement/Request for Donations is "4."  Ugh.

And that a computer which did not have internet access because that wasn't a thing yet but can be used to create a "launch sequence."  Who does this kid think he is, David Lightman?  Gonna play Thermonuclear War next?

At least back then, Lori Laughton was worried about what was legal....

Saturday, April 30, 2022

Alan Alda and ATARI- just a fun blast from the past!*


Ah, the late-70s, when Alan Alda could sell home arcade systems (I'm pretty sure "gaming" wasn't in the vocabulary back then) as "the perfect gift for the college student" while showing us a kid typing away on a blue screen with a white font (that wasn't anyone wanted to do then, any more than it's something anyone wants to do now.)  

This Atari system has "spell check"- as long as the user notices the spelling error first, and tells the program to fix it.  At least it isn't Magic Desk, that cartridge I used as my first "Word Processing Program" in my Commodore 64 during my freshman year of college- that thing held a total of 1000 pages of text, each of which had to be saved individually and filed into one of the four drawers of a cartoon file cabinet.  Definitely more useful than an electronic typewriter, which doesn't "make all the copies you want as long as you can find ink for the printer somewhere" like Mr. Alda's meal ticket. 

*I'm still recovering from my bout with That Illness That Shall Not Be Named.  I'm tired.  This was easy.  Sue me. :>)

Friday, April 29, 2022

Tovala: For those with money to burn, I guess


I guess this is how you one-up the neighbors who always seem to have a DoorDash or GrubHub or whatever delivery guy in their driveway, except how do you casually let those neighbors know that you are SO SO VERY BUSY and that money is SO VERY NOT AN OBJECT that you actually purchased a food service that includes a specialized oven along with the prepackaged, Sprinkle This Packet of Seasonings on So You Can Pretend You Participated in the Creation of this Meal food boxes which show up like clockwork every other week?

Oh, and lady?  I don't give one flying damn that you have more time for conference calls because you made this stupid commitment of money because you can time is precious.  Doesn't make you less of a lazy idiot who throws around cash like it's going out of style.  I can't relate to you, and I really don't want to, either.  Order a damn pizza. 

Sunday, April 24, 2022

The "new" cult of Weight Watchers


I tried to find the Weight Watchers (that's what WW stands for; it's just the rebranding of an old company) commercial featuring the woman with a degree in Nutrition* who went to the WW app TO FIND OUT HOW TO MANAGE HER WEIGHT.  I wondered what I would think of a dentist who went on tv to tell us that he found out how to take care of his teeth through an app- like, what were those years of specialized training for again?  I couldn't find it, but there was something in this ad (yes, it's an ad, not an innocent little "just my story" post, as you'll see in a moment) that really caught my attention.

Actually, it wasn't in the ad at all.  It was in the comments section.  A poster asked "weren't you using another system just a little while ago?" and is told by the creator "yeah, now I've switched to WW!"  The fact that the commenter KNOWS she was using another system a few months ago tells me that she posted about how amazing THAT was.  Now she's posting about how amazing WW is.  Why shouldn't I suspect - or just ASSUME- that in a few months she'll be pitching ANOTHER weight loss system as "amazing?"**  I'm sorry, but I don't see the difference between what this woman is doing and the people who move from ItWorks to Scentsy to CutCo to Amway to LuLaRoe to doTerra to Young Living and each time post to tell us about their incredible success at whatever Multi-Level Marketing Scam they are exploring this month and how it's perfect for all of us- this month. 

Maybe this woman should keep her advice to herself until she actually manages to stick to a program that works for more than three months or so.  Right now it just looks like she's willing to shill for any company willing to toss her a few bucks here and there.  

*which is not really a thing, any more than "Life Coach" is really a thing. It's just that Americans in particular either have no money, or money to burn. 

**Here's this same woman  in February 2021 telling us about her fabulous success with "Bright Line Eating."


Saturday, April 23, 2022

This Salonpas Commercial is just TOO much.....


Is it really feasible to ANYBODY that three middle-aged doctors sitting down for lunch in what I guess is a medical office building cafeteria would discuss a question like "what are you recommending for muscle pain?"  And if it is, is it at all realistic that the doctors would agree on an over-the-counter menthol patch and not some expensive pill or injection?  PLEASE!

"My patients really like these patches because they work up to twelve hours..." which means that by the time it's been demonstrated that the band-aid doesn't really solve the problem, the patients have to call for another appointment, and another round of paperwork can be filled out for the health insurance company?  And your patients like the patches SO MUCH that you keep a box of them in your pocket at all times, so you can draw it like a six-shooter on the off-chance that one of your fellow doctors forgets that they are themselves a doctor and asks a question like "what do you recommend for muscle pain?"

Friday, April 22, 2022

Someone tell T-Mobile that Diversity in Advertising can be taken too far!


The only thing dumber than showing a black guy playing hockey is showing a black guy in the stands cheering on a hockey game.  Hey, T-Mobile?  It's really ok if the commercial features just white people.  Nobody is going to throw a hissy-fit if you show two white hockey players- only 6.8% of hockey players in the United States are black.  Or a white couple in the stands (well, nobody worth listening too, anyway.)  White people still date other white people, like black people still date other black people (just over 8% of married couples in the United States are biracial, not quite sure why almost 100% of married couples on TV commercials are.  Then again, almost 100% of people on TV commercials live in multimillion-dollar suburban mansions or condos so what do I know?)  

It's ok to present a realistic picture of life in America every once in a while.  I know, hard to imagine, but totally true. Trust me.  

Just make another commercial with the same stupid idea except with basketball featuring black people.  To quote one of your competitors, It's Not Complicated.  

Oh, and while we're at it, why is the couple in the stands bundled up like they are freezing?  I've been in hockey arenas.  Just because the game is being played on ice doesn't mean that watching a game is an uncomfortable, cold experience.  Have the people in this ad ever actually experienced reality, like, ever?

Wednesday, April 20, 2022

So where's the Upgrade?


It's just a debt consolidation loan you give you yourself.  It's moving debt from one creditor to another.  It does absolutely nothing to help you get a handle on your debt; in fact, it does the opposite by allowing you to pretend that debt is smaller because it's now one large payment instead of a bunch of small ones, spread out over a longer period of time (which means you pay more in interest) so you can continue to live in a fantasy where your spending choices have no real consequences and you have more spending power than you have in reality.

This is how poor people stay poor.  There's no Upgrade here, and there's certainly nothing new here.  I still get blank checks from Debt Consolidation companies encouraging me to shift debt (that I don't have) over to them so they can have a steady income and I can feel free to spend spend spend.  They get torn up and thrown in the trash because I'm not a child and I know how much money I have and how to control my spending.  This commercial is not aimed at me.  It's aimed at people who are stupid with their money and determined to stay that way.  Hard Pass. 

Sunday, April 17, 2022

I guess the chapter where Larry David failed to invest in Tulips didn't make the final cut?

Anyone else sick to death of multimillionaires who wouldn't blink an eye if they lost what most of us make over the course of a lifetime telling us that if we don't invest in cryptocurrency we're Frightened-of-the-Future, Ignorant Losers who will Be Left Behind and probably Deserve to be Poor Anyway?

Larry David, Tom Brady, Matt Damon etc. are perfectly welcome to go chasing crypto-nonsense because they couldn't care less if it drops 50 percent in value because Elon Musk makes an offhanded joke on a late-night TV show, but 99 percent of us kind of count on our investment portfolios to provide for a decent retirement and don't see money as something to take for a spin because This Looks Like The Newest Big Thing.  If/when crypto tanks (repeatedly) over the next years (months,) well, these guys have already cashed their endorsement checks, have tons of money squirreled away in offshore tax havens, and won't be around for comment (Larry David might "entertain" us with a delightful(/s) "whaddayagonnado?" which I'm sure will thrill the YouTube mouth-breathers, but won't be a whole lot of solace for the middle-class suckers who decided to take what amounted to a Triple Dog Dare and put actual money into unsecured nonsense with a cool, futuristic name because some recognizable face on TV questioned their manhood and patriotism if they played it safe like all those scaredy-cats did in the old days. )

Well, excuse me, but I'm not Like Larry in the respect that I don't have money to burn (or, to put it more succinctly, to lose.)  And I'm not your audience, that being easily-manipulated rubes who assume that if a guy can write comedy, throw a football, or dribble lines before stepping back and letting his stunt double pretend to beat people up, he MUST be a genius investor.  And just as I have not purchased a sportscar, pickup truck, Beats by Dre or an iPhone 11 simply because someone on TV told me that only losers fail to do so, I am going to pass on this Awesome, Historical opportunity to ride the wave of Crypto.  I would have missed the Dutch Tulip Bubble too, I'm sure.  

(And I'm not even going to get into the whole Insult to our Intelligence that is the storyline in this stupid ad.  The wheel wasn't "invented" in ancient Egypt- like artificially produced fire, it's one of those things that predate written history by centuries.  Edison didn't invent the light bulb.  And the less said about the pretty damn blatantly racist cell phone bit the better.  Our country is dumb enough without this contribution,  Crypto-cons.)

Saturday, April 16, 2022

Insane Buick Trophy Wife is Insane


It took me a few views before I realized that this insane woman was actually talking to "versions" of herself as she enjoyed the features in her brand-new Buick.  She does not, in fact, have three similar-looking Fellow Trophy Wife Friends- or, if she does, she left them at the spinning class to get into their own flashy cars and head home to Sugar Daddy. 

I was too busy noting the whole "brutal spinning class" thing and how gag-inducing that was- pretty wealthy woman at a spinning class in the middle of the damn day needing her car to give her butt a massage while she blathers to herself about how awesome her car is.  Talk about privilege and First World problems.  

"You really outdid yourself."  I don't know what this means.  This guy clearly wasn't around to hear her first "worry" about parallel parking and then let the car solve the problem for her.  Is he seeing this car for the first time, and is her purchase of a Buick what he means by "outdoing" herself?  So she bought the car, went to spinning class, and then headed off to meet him?  I don't get it.

I also don't get why this woman's various manifestations of herself are all dressed like successful businesswomen.  Is this fantasy projection, or what?  Does this woman like to pretend that the Buick, the spinning classes, and everything else she has is the product of her own efforts, or what?  I mean, they kind of are- she kept herself young and cute long enough to snag that meal ticket, after all.  But imagining herself in a business suit with glasses that cry out "intelligent, capable, NOT A TROPHY WIFE" is a bit much.   You are what You are.  Deal with it. 

Friday, April 15, 2022

Priceline's "No Way" Commercial kind of says it all


Why would I ever listen to someone who aggressively closes my laptop to bleat a commercial for Priceline at me?

Why would I use this stupid, buggy, BS "service" for anything as important as a vacation?

Why does anyone think that ads like this convince anyone of anything except that the company that made it hates us?

Tuesday, April 12, 2022

Something's really "off" about this 2022 Tundra "Cappucino" commercial


Maybe it's the ridiculous amount of bling.  Maybe it's the incredibly LOUD fashion statements these guys are trying to make with their choice of clothing (I mean, come on- they look like they just stepped off the set of some 1940s gangster film.)  Maybe it's the downright creepy way this one guy is determined to show up the guys he meets at the cafe.

Nope.  I know what it is that really annoys me about this stupid ad which is allegedly for an overpriced LookatMeMobile (the "LookatMe" vibes are even stronger that usual here, I must say.)  It's that this jewel-encrusted asshat decided to park his truck right in front of the cafe, completely ruining the view of the street beyond the sidewalk for his "friends" and for everyone else who happened to be trying to enjoy the nice weather with a drink and some conversation at that particular restaurant on that particular day.  Sorry, Everyone Else- I can't be bothered to put this thing in a parking garage or lot like a normal person who doesn't have a gigantic stick shoved up my ass (or just deserves to.)  I'm putting my truck right here, barely a yard away from your face, so you can appreciate it and absolutely nothing else during your stay.  Even the waiter seems perplexed at this- like, "why are you damaging the dining experience of everyone else here?  Who the hell do you think you are?"

Or maybe it's just that this is a really, really stupid commercial trying to distract me from the truck - you know, the thing that's actually for sale- with bling, clashing colors, and arrogance?  Whatever.  This is crap, Toyota.  Stick with that deranged lunatic Jan.  At least I can understand what her pitch is. 

Sunday, April 10, 2022

Um, ok Toyota. Yes, it's that "Keeping up with the Joneses" commercial...


It's just a dumb idea- no that's being too generous, more like a fleeting thought desperately scribbled on to paper seconds before the Big Pitch Meeting some ad agency flunky was supposed to spend weeks getting ready for but wisely decided that based on what he himself had been seeing on TV for the past several decades that he could just blurt out the most inane, trite, obvious crap and the mouth-breathing American Public would slop it up and beg for more.

And I guess it worked- I mean, just look at the comments here.  If they aren't bots, I seriously fear for the future of my nation.  But they've got to be bots, right?  There's no way that there's THIS many people out there who were made to feel "proud to own a Toyota"* or who thought that this one-stupid-barely-a-joke garbage was anything more than slight-chuckle-if-I'm-already-drunk-at-this-point-in-the-Superbowl amusing.  And as for the sad lickspittle who thought they'd throw in "I'm surprised that Harrison Ford didn't show up playing Indiana Jones LOL" to a predictable chorus of "OMG THATS SO CLEVER THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN EPIC" replies, I'd offer the suggestion that it's very likely the pathetic bottom-feeders who were actually paid to produce this thought of that (and realized it would have much more impact than a grizzled Tommy Lee Jones) but then also realized that Harrison Ford wouldn't do it for less than eight figures and decided to give up the notion.   

Tommy Lee Jones?  He was in Man of the House.  He just wants people to know he's still around.

*almost as bad as the one woman who tells us she's proud to be a Jones.  Um, why, exactly?  Oh wait, I forgot:  For my own sanity's sake, I've decided these are all bots. 

Saturday, April 9, 2022

I'm going out on a limb with this Rocket Mortgage Commercial.....


...and guessing that when these two were dating, this guy wasn't quite as over-the-top with his reactions to every surprise and didn't screech like a little girl (or Homer Simpson) every time he was surprised.  Seems to me like that would be a deal-breaker. 

Friday, April 8, 2022

Not quite, Mr. Hudson


Yeah, everyone's Worst Nightmare is to have their car break down in broad daylight in front of a school in the suburbs.  Absolutely Horrifying.  Nowhere near as bad as, say, finding out that you shelled out hundreds or thousands of dollars in premiums for garbage, no-coverage car insurance because the Ghostbuster Nobody Really Remembers recommended it.  

Seriously, if your "worst nightmare" is having your car break down in this situation, you live a charmed life and I don't give one flying damn about your "nightmares."  Get a Real Struggle.

And if you fall for this garbage, just think:  You weren't even conned by Ice T.  Now THAT'S a nightmare.  Still not the worst, but definitely worse than THIS one.  Check this out if you find yourself suffering from a momentary lapse of judgement and even CONSIDER purchasing Car Shield Non-Insurance Insurance:

Sunday, April 3, 2022

Who relates to the woman in this Verizon ad?


You know, I can't imagine caring about anything less than this woman who lives in a freaking palace having reliable, "affordable"* 5G or whatever the hell this commercial is selling.  First, because it apparently just means that he never, ever has to take her damn eyes off of a glowing screen no matter what else she is doing.  Second, because I am not at all convinced that this woman ever noticed how much her internet or phone bill like Ever. 

*I don't know what "affordable" means to someone who lives in a massive apartment in a high rise in the middle of a city (New York? Los Angeles? Where was this filmed?) but I'm guessing it doesn't gel with what I think is "affordable."  Either way, f--k off stupid grinning idiot woman.  And while you're at it, step in front of a bus while watching Disney Plus on your stupid phone.  What is the matter with you, anyway?  

Saturday, April 2, 2022

Domino's values anyone who saves them money


Domino's believes that "every great delivery driver deserves a tip."  I guess that's why the pay for delivery drivers is so poor- Domino's expects the customers to help pay their salary.  It didn't become a billion-dollar industry by paying its employees a decent wage, after all.

And why is Domino's willing to knock three bucks off your pizza if you pick it up yourself?  Well, there's the cost of gasoline, for one thing: The boys on the board have crunched the numbers and figured out that if they want to keep providing delivery (not "free delivery"- that went out the window decades ago) they are going to have to mark up the price of their pizzas, which is going to reduce the size of their customer base (and reduce the size of their customers, too.)  A much better solution is to cut back on the number of $10 per hour delivery guys they've got hauling boxes of warm bland carbs and sugar to tasteless twats in the 'burbs by offering $3 to those tasteless twats willing to pick up their own sludge tossed into cardboard which is only slightly less nutritious than the sludge itself.  

Now I'm irritated that grocery stores don't offer a "tip" to customers using the self-checkout option.  Why did so many people just gravitate to those scanners, where we have to do all the work, without one dime of incentive?  Time for a consumer strike?  

Friday, April 1, 2022

The guy in this commercial is FREAKING ME OUT


I suppose I shouldn't be too critical of Joe- I mean, he's had enough problems with coming home from vacation to a broken refrigerator and having to deal with insurance right off the bat.  I'm glad he was able to navigate the online claims form and talk to someone in person and all that, but no matter how much of a "happy experience" this was, I can't see how it was anything more than a headache which put kind of a damper on the whole insurance thing.

But that's not really why I shouldn't be too critical of Joe.  Instead, I should give Joe a break because after all he must be suffering enough having at some point TOTALLY LOST THE ABILITY TO BLINK LIKE AN ACTUAL HUMAN.  I mean, seriously- you are freaking me out with those Crazy Eyes, Joe.  Please just BLINK and demonstrate to me that you are NOT A FREAKING ROBOT.   This is legitimately frightening.  If you met with an insurance agent in person, I can understand perfectly why they didn't give you a hassle over your broken refrigerator claim.  I wouldn't want to prolong the conversation any longer than necessary either.  You want a new fridge?  No problem.  You want the spoiled food replaced?  Here's a check.  Just please STOP TRYING TO PUNCTURE MY SOUL WITH THOSE EYES.

Sunday, March 27, 2022

Samsung Galaxy 22: Make the night Epic by...umm...doing nothing?


So I guess this phone comes with permission to just intrude on everyone's privacy - excuse me, "capture" and "share" their "moments"- because You Can?  The only way this commercial- and this trend- has a happy ending is if this kid and every other time-wasting loser with a flashy electronic toy gets a bloody nose and that flashy electronic toy shoved up his nether regions for presuming that everyone wants to be filmed every second of the day, 24/7.  

Meanwhile, I am so very Over living in a world in which I'm surrounded by idiots more interested in recording and sharing than actually experiencing.   So, apparently, is at least one poster who comments on this video on YouTube.  Unfortunately, we're completely surrounded by pointless, witless gush, at least some of which I hope is simply bought and paid for by Samsung.  But seriously, what the hell is the matter with you people?

Saturday, March 26, 2022

That truly disgusting MassMutual Insurance Commercial


I mean, no wonder the comments are turned off for this one.

I watched this one multiple times, because I could not believe that the message that seemed to be coming through clear as a bell to me was actually the message intended by the makers of this ad, but I've come to the conclusion that it is:  the parents of these children are convinced that the three offspring they've had so rock stupid that

1.  Never mind hoping that they establish successful careers that will allow them to financially support their parents*; these kids will be living off the leftover Happy Meals their bosses let them take home when their shifts are over, or

2.  These kids aren't even going to live to SEE adulthood.  They'll kill themselves by knocking down wasp nests or being crushed in lawn chairs,** or they'll be permanent dependents themselves. 

And the solution these two witless choads come up with (before finally deciding that maybe they should live in the 21st century where adults living in the Western World do NOT plan on living off their kids when they retire?***) To maybe try again with another kid?  Yeah, I can see where these kids got those genes.  These "parents" are real-life Pattersons, raising numb, unstimulated, largely ignored idiots and expecting them to turn into money machines through some magic unseen agency that does not involve Said Parents.  I really doubt that by "try again" he means "have another baby and do a much, much better job raising it."  Thanks for the Hate, MassMutual.

*I know adults who expect their parents to finance their lives, but I have never met a parent who expects their kid to.

**Are these parents hoping that these kids accidentally kill themselves?  I mean, two of them looks like they are about to get seriously injured, and the parents act like they seriously could not give a damn- nothing is going to interrupt their Musing with Coffee Time.

***Again, I know retired adults who live off THEIR parents.  I don't know any parents who PLAN on living off their kids.  Because, again, this is the Western World and it's the 21st Century.

Thursday, March 24, 2022

Apple Presents: Privilege High


So the only thing that mattered in this student election was who had the better (read:  more expensive) tech and who was willing to spend the most money on campaign merch.  Another reason I'm so very, very glad I was in High School in the 1980s and not today.  Back then, to get elected all you needed to do was be the quarterback of the football team, prettiest girl in the class or the principal's pet.  Not a perfect system by any means, but still much better than this strategy which basically eliminates any student who doesn't have an unlimited bank account from even competing.*

*Come to think of it, maybe this commercial does teach something about modern elections. 

Sunday, March 20, 2022

Taco Bell: Infinity is Wasted on the Wrong People!


1.  Yes, we've all seen Groundhog Day.  I mean, it's been thirty years.  We've all seen it, and a whole lot of us have seen it more than once.  It was just ok.

2.  If I found myself in an endless time loop, where nothing I did had any consequences at all and I would just be doing a Reset when the clock struck midnight, I suppose I probably WOULD engage in really dangerous, potentially life-threatening behaviors like riding a dune buggy at high speeds without a helmet.  But eating at Taco Bell?  Naw, life's STILL too short. 

3.  What is the utility of the "nacho fries limitation whatever I'm not watching this again" thing?  Is it Taco Bell's "clever" way of telling us that it recognizes that if you make Nacho Fries part of your daily diet, you might as well be leaping sand dunes in a buggy without a helmet?  

4.  Remember when Bill Murray bemoans the fact that Groundhog's Day is the day he keeps repeating, when he's had absolutely amazing days he'd LOVE to repeat?  Well, here we've got a woman who can do "anything" and for all the interesting crazy adventures she's shoving into her infinite days, the one common thread seems to be a visit to the Taco Bell drive-thru for hot crunchy grease.  She isn't even trying exotic foods, let alone doing any of the really practical things that Murray did with his opportunity (he learned a foreign language and how to ice sculpt, as well as mastering the piano when he wasn't saving people from falling out of trees, fixing flat tires, and feeding a homeless guy.)  This woman is being so incredibly shallow and selfish with her infinite time- as well as being completely happy with it until she's confronted with actual danger in the form of WHATEVER I JUST SAID I'M NOT WATCHING THIS AGAIN.  There's no Life Lesson she needs to learn to get moving forward with her life again; it doesn't even look like she's interested in moving forward because hey, as long as she's stuck in this loop she can continue to stuff hot salty carbs into her stupid mouth. 

Nobody Outstupids the Hut, either.

I wonder if there was "one shining moment" when these stupid choads imagined something other than being disgusting, obese couch potatoes waxing poetic about nonsense in between waxing poetic about their favorite carbs, fat and sugar delivery system while sitting really, really close together on a couch which looks plenty big enough to allow them to have some wheezing space.  

Saturday, March 19, 2022

I just Can't with this Buick "Iggy" commercial


I mean, is Buick just trolling us now?  This awfulness starts with Obvious Trophy Wife escorting her kids out of their multimillion-dollar suburban home to the car.  After one of the kids is in the car he actually asks "woah mom, is this your new Buick?"  What the actual hell?  How is Mom supposed to answer this question?

A)  "Yes, this is the car you got into, and I'm driving it, so it belongs to me.  Your mother did not steal a car."

B)  "Yes, I reminded your dad that I'm still hot and I'm sick of showing poorly for the other Trophy Wives on the block."  or

C)  "Yes, it's my new car.  Why did you get into it if you had any doubts?  Why did you not notice when I brought it home from the dealership yesterday?  Did you get into the paint chips again?"

And then one of her awful little brats is dealing with a cell phone that is almost completely dead.  She responds by telling her to put the phone in the Buick's charger (she has to keep saying "Buick," because that's what people do in Buick commercials.  They constantly remind everyone what kind of car they are driving, and that car is a Buick.  Because Buick isn't exactly the most-sought after car among people with multi-million-dollar suburban mansions, and Buick would like to change that.  Buick.

And I guess there's more drama with a lizard one of the kids is bringing to school for Reasons.  This becomes a big deal after the LookAtMeMobile pulls up to school and the kids get out and "the crowd starts screaming" for more Reasons.  

"How can you remain calm?" a fellow parent asks TrophyWife.  Possible answers include

A)  "What do you mean?  A lizard is loose outside my car.  I am about to drive away, leaving you with my kids.  Why shouldn't I be calm?"

B)  "Why are you talking as if you were along for the ride and you know about the MAYHEM THAT OCCURRED when Thing One mentioned facts about the lizard and Thing Two's phone was almost dead?  I mean, you weren't there to see that.  So you are asking me 'how can I remain calm' over a lizard being on the sidewalk?"

C)  "Look at my life.  There is zero reason for me to be upset about anything, ever."

Instead we get "massaging seats," which yeah we didn't hate you enough already, thanks for including that.  Now hurry along, you're late for your daily pedicure or whatever else you do to spend your time waiting for Sugar Daddy to come home and display the kind of genius that resulted in your stupid kids.  He'll probably ask something like "Hey Honey, is that your new Buick?"

Jake from State Farm seems to be slumming it lately

I mean, it's nice to see Jake hanging out with people who aren't multimillionaire sports figures for a change (it would be even nicer if we didn't see him hanging out with anyone at all but instead saw him in the office answering phones- you know, like a State Farm Employee actually does.  It would be nicer still to never, ever see him again in any capacity) but I think he should explain exactly why State Farm offers "surprisingly great rates."  Turns out that the sun is hot, the Pope is Catholic, and State Farm- while happy to collect those Surprisingly Great Rates, isn't all that interested in paying out those "losses" (which is what they call "Claims."  You know, that one and only benefit that comes with buying insurance.*)

*except for car insurance.  The other benefit derived from car insurance is that it makes it legal to drive your car.  Whether the insurance company pays claims or not.

Friday, March 18, 2022

I don't get the Ethos here


This woman doesn't need life insurance for her kids.  She needs life insurance AGAINST her kids.  And I'm sorry, but this is the year 2022- the SuperMom thing is over.  There's nothing special about a woman who has kids AND works outside the house.  It's the New Normal; hell, it's not even that New.   This woman needs to get over herself.  

Thursday, March 17, 2022

Tovala. It's Latin for Privilege.


Gotta love the slow-motion sprinkling of spices on to the fish- I guess if that convinces you you are actually cooking something and not just putting a pre-prepared, delivered meal into microwave (oh, excuse me, "Smart Oven,") more power to you, but come on.  This is pre-prepared, delivered meals you are just tossing into a heater.  You aren't doing ANYTHING.

For some reason, a full Weekly Meal Plan consists of 16 meals.  Do people not eat 3 meals a day anymore?  Judging from the size of the waistbands I've seen lately, we haven't been eliminating meals.  Anyway, 16 meals a week will run you $191.  Plus $299 for the "Smart Oven," which reads the QR code of your "menu card" so it knows what you want it to do.  At these prices, you'd think it could sprinkle spices on fish.  I mean, I'm busy and I paid good money for this. 

Anyway, what we have here is just more Privilege, delivered to the doorsteps of people who have money to burn.  But check out the comment posted under this ad which suggests that this is a great idea for people who are "stressed."  Oh please.  If you can afford this nonsense, you're "stressed" because you make plenty of money but have no idea how to budget.  Or, you're "stressed" because you're constantly looking for ways to one-up the neighbors and you already own a 2022 Audi. 

Sunday, March 13, 2022

Walt Disney World Resort: Get Ready for Disappointment 50 years in the making!


0:12- getting your parents to pay between $105-$124 to get your through the gate into Disney World is not going to grant you the ability to emit sparkling light from your hands or transform into a princess.  Demonic Powers are Not Included with Entry, sorry.

0:16- unless you are going to Disney World in the dead of winter- and even then- you aren't going to be doing a lot of running into exhibits.  You will, however, be doing a lot of standing in lines.  I love how Disney World is never even remotely crowded in these ads.  

0:19- that popcorn probably cost twenty bucks.  What spoiled rotten little brat. 

0:28- we discussed this just seconds ago.  Your entry fee does not include actual magical powers.  And that doesn't just preclude the power to emit light from your hands.  It also means you won't be making the other 58,000 (estimated daily average) visitors get out of your way when you want to run to attractions or hug underpaid college students dressed up like cartoon mice or part like the Red Sea when you want to go on Your Very Favorite Ride or stand in Exactly the Right Spot to Get That Picture in front of the fake Castle Just Like Those People On TV. 

This ad doesn't show the amazing Disney Resort that most of the people shown in these commercials stay at, but I'll add that if you do get mom and dad to take out a second mortgage and bring you to Disney World, the room you get won't actually include a spectacular view of the fake castle mentioned in the previous paragraph.  A personal visit from Tinker Bell is also not guaranteed and, in fact, extremely unlikely. 

By the way, none of this looks even closely related to Fun.  Maybe it's just me, but I'll take Hersheypark followed by dinner at Friendly's and a comfortable bed at the local Red Roof over this any day of the week and twice on Sundays.  And I won't have to take out a second mortgage to do it.  Win-win.

Saturday, March 12, 2022

Keebler Fudge Striped Cookies: Yet Another Trophy Wife Fail


When this woman throws back the towel to reveal...a box of store-bought Keebler cookies, not even out of the box, not even on a plate...I mean, I'm sorry, but the lack of effort is nothing less than astounding.  And the kid is so darned delighted to see that box of cookies- he's been trained well, I guess.  This kid knows not to expect homemade cookies.  He may not be aware that it's possible to buy cookie dough and bake the cookies yourself.  He may very well believe that cookies come from boxes, which come from the store.  Period.

And if the look of delight on the kid's face isn't depressing enough- take a look at how smug and satisfied Mommy and Daddy are.  Like they've just accomplished something awesome by...picking up a box of Keebler cookies at the local grocery store (hell, they probably had it delivered.)   And not even opening the box and putting them on a plate.  How awesome. 

Congratulations on training your kid to have such low expectations, people.  Most kids expect more.  

Friday, March 11, 2022

Sirius XM Radio: No Brain Cells Required


When I first saw this ad I had the sound off, and I thought it was just about the most racist commercial I'd ever seen.  Then I saw it with the sound on, and I still think it's pretty damn racist, even if it accurately portrays Kevin Hart doing his One-Note Kevin Hart schtick.   Just another bug-eyed, Permanently Astonished At Absolutely Nothing black guy reassuring white people that black guys are idiots put on earth for our entertainment. 

I guess the message is supposed to be "you can listen to Sirius XM anywhere."  But the message I get is "Kevin Hart is a rich moron with rich friends who hang around his huge house while Kevin Hart acts like a rich moron."  And the message I get from the comment section is....well, that we are pretty much screwed as a nation.  Because seriously, people!

Sunday, March 6, 2022

PowerFit Elite,* another gem from the Only Available on TV treasure chest...


"Because I've tried everything except get regular exercise and cut calories, and nothing works!"  Ok then...

Based on the backgrounds we see in this ad, not one of the dim bulbs who bought into the idea that a vibrating skateboard could burn fat and build muscle lacks the money to get a gym membership and personal trainer or the money AND the room to purchase actual exercise equipment.  And if they have time to stand on this stupid piece of crap, they have time to actually go to that gym or use that exercise equipment.  They have plenty of money and room.  What they lack is common sense and a willingness to accept that just as gaining weight and turning into a blob of Jell-o took time and effort, so does losing it and getting toned. 

There's simply no end to this garbage, is there?  From sauna suits to Thighmasters to this hilarious bit of nonsense, there's a bottomless market for Quick Fixes out there for people who are allergic to the notion of Calories In, Calories Out and REGULAR EXERCISE.  Thing is, this stupid piece of plastic probably has a weight limit, so most of the people who would be interested in purchasing it (and who probably don't look a THING like the people in this ad) will have to lose some weight BEFORE they can get on it without snapping it in two.   

*what's "elite" about it?  Oh my god, does that mean there's a previous version of this thing out there?  What does this one do that the original didn't?  I don't even want to hazard a guess.

Saturday, March 5, 2022

That Weird Gain commercial....


(No, not THAT one.  THIS one.  Ok, they are all weird.)

Clearly the only thing this woman has going on in her life is that her apartment building features the most spacious and best-kept laundry room in the planet.  I mean, this is IMPRESSIVE.  I'm guessing that she used to go into raptures every time she walked into it, but that thrill wore off, and now she's tripping over the smell of her laundry detergent.  And now she has nobody but herself to blame if her kids are ingesting Tide pods, because let's face it she isn't the best role model they could have had. 

Seriously, get a date, lady.  You are waaaay too lonely.

Friday, March 4, 2022

Speaking of Family Planning....

1.  I get that it's supposed to be funny, but are we really being asked to swallow the idea that this couple got married and had a dozen or so kids so that they would be eligible for a good family plan on their phones?  That's just awesome economics- save a hundred dollars a month by spending thousands of dollars a month.  Again, I know it's supposed to be funny, but it actually comes off as more than a little depressing when you see that this couple actually has zero interest in actually being parents to their offspring and look like they are absolutely miserable now that they realize that they could have landed that cheap phone plan without having all these awful, noisy little money vampires.

2.  Gorgeous little sister is living in her gorgeous, huge, spotlessly clean house with a cheap phone plan she clearly doesn't need.  I mean, my god, how much did that house cost?  This woman couldn't care less what her monthly phone bill is.  Please. 

Sunday, February 27, 2022

Nonsensical SUV commercial? That's So You!


I don't understand even one moment of this ad.  In each of three scenarios, the punchline is "That's So You," but how does this make any sense as a reasonable comment?  How is having automatic parking "So" anybody?  How is bringing an entire soccer team to practice "So" anybody?  What the hell does this even mean??

Seriously, someone explain this to me.  Does anyone do this?  If a friend tells me that they just bought a week's worth of groceries or planned out the menu for the week, I might say "that's so you" because she's efficient and likes to plan ahead.  (It would still sound dumb, but I'd be justified in saying it.)  If I buy my great-nephew a toy on an impulse, I can see someone saying "that's so you" because I tend to do things like that.  But how would pushing a button that allows my car to park itself "so" me, or "so" ANYBODY for that matter?  WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?

And why do the people in Buick ads keep referring to the car brands in the ad?  Oh, right- it's because Buick is one of the most forgettable car brands available, and the owners of the company are desperate to get people to start referring to Buicks as Buicks, as if they are Audis or Lexuses or some other easily-recognizable luxury car.  Thing is, they simply aren't.  There's nothing special about a Buick.  They are Hondas made by General Motors.  

And why do the first two women in this ad act like they are totally turned on by the car's ability to do stuff at the touch of a button?  I mean, they look like they want to jump the driver.  This is just so weird. 

Saturday, February 26, 2022

That KIA Superbowl Commercial featuring the only kind of dog I'd ever own


(How this sells a KIA, I'll never understand.  Because I'm not a Marketing Genius, I guess.  I remembered this commercial from the Superbowl, but could not remember that it was for a car company, let alone which one.  I had to search "Robot Dog Superbowl Commercial" to find it.  Great job, KIA!)

Having watched it several times, I STILL don't know what it has to do with buying a KIA.  The robot dog on sale at what I guess would be Sharper Image or Brookstone if those places were still around (are there any standing Sharper Image or Brookstone stores anymore? I don't even know.  I just know they were back in the 80s and 90s but I haven't seen one in years.  Maybe because the economy hasn't exactly been built for Stupid Electronic Toy Impulse Purchases for most of the 21st century.)  We see a guy who is actually happy to be jumped on by a grubby four-legged mammal with dirty paws- so happy that the dog's owner doesn't even have to bleat "oh don't worry he doesn't bite" or "that means he LIKES you" as if that's an excuse for not controlling your stupid ball and chain wallet-emptying feces-creating family gathering-ruining ego-gratifying noise machine.   In other words, someone who is not me and someone I simply cannot identify with in any way.

That robot dog thing looks pretty cool.  Far cooler than the living thing it's supposed to represent.  I might like to have one of those robot dogs someday.  Maybe cover it with fake fur so it's nice to pet.  And drop the price.  $300 for an impulse purchase is way past my budget. 

Friday, February 25, 2022

Heinz had advertising right more than 100 years ago


"Look mommy, it's a giant floating pickle blocking my view of the mansion across the park there!  That makes me want to buy something out of mustard dressing, malt vinegar, tomato chutney, evaporated horse radish and whatever 'India Relish' and 'Euchred Figs' are.  Seriously, that giant floating pickle next to the street lamp is making my mouth water!  At some point during my lifetime of forty-something years or so, I really hope that I can regularly enjoy consuming whatever product is being advertised by that giant floating pickle!"

"Yes, my dear boy, you shall consume plenty of pulverized preserved fruits, apple and peach butters, baked bean and tomato sauce sludge to make you grow big and stout before you die of Bright's Disease or Influenza or whatever was in that wonderful tinned meat you also partook in with all the innocence of the child you currently are at a fine old age of even fifty or more, which will be several decades I have passed from this Earth of course."

Yep, advertising definitely peaked in the 80s.  The 1880s. 

Sunday, February 20, 2022

This Shaq commercial for Ring Security is kind of creepy


Shaquille O'Neal suddenly appears very concerned that someone might interrupt his personal time with a small child who is quite obviously not related to him. 

In this ad, he explains to this small child that being able to secure one's home against unwanted intruders is Very Very Important which is why we need Ring Brand motion sensors and alarms installed EVERYWHERE (like, outside the gym where Shaq likes to play one-on-one with small children.)  This is something this small child needs to know, for some reason.  Maybe to help him understand why Shaq knows well in advance whenever another adult- like this kid's mom or dad, for example- is approaching the gym?

I'm sorry, but this is just weird.  Even weirder is the apologist for the ad in the comments who suggests that "Shaq doesn't do a lot of commercials with children" and is perhaps trying to adjust his image a bit.  O'Neal has been in  LOT of commercials with children, some of which I've covered on this very page (check out his ads for The General Insurance, for example.)  So no, that argument sure doesn't work. 

Saturday, February 19, 2022

Pringles, the Superbowl, and the Triumph of Witless Minimalism


And here, as promised, is the even worse potato chip* commercial inflicted upon the innocent viewer during the Super Bowl**.  As is so common in these big game ads, it's a stupid idea that is mildly amusing for ten seconds but then dragged into the land of overdone, taxed, beaten to death and So, So Very Over before mercifully put down way, way after anyone with two brain cells to rub together has lost interest and begun contemplating something more interesting, like that stain on the wall above the television screen. 

*I'm not sure if Pringles even qualifies as a "potato chip." It says "potato chips" on the can.  But they don't taste like potatoes.  I don't know what they taste like other than Salt and Oil.

**It was a very good game, and the first Super Bowl this century where I didn't really care who won, and the first one since the Panthers v Patriots in 2004 I've watched whistle to whistle. 

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

Lays' Superbowl Commercial continues two great traditions


1.  Take an idea that is kind of cute for ten seconds and stretch it into two minutes, making it feel like two hours.  We got this joke ten seconds in.  We don't care anymore twenty seconds in.  We wish we had died before the end of the first quarter thirty seconds in.*  

2.  Depict your Bag of Product as being so full that one needs only to reach in about one inch in order to obtain a piece of Said Product.  While every bag or bucket is stuffed full to the brim in every commercial ever (and every potato chip bag is completely creaseless, so that it looks like the person is holding a picture of a potato chip bag instead of an actual potato chip bag,) in real life potato chip bags are 60 percent air and you generally have to put your arm in up to the elbow to get the first one.  

*And not only was this not the worst Beat That Idea To Death Ad which aired during the Super Bowl, it wasn't even the worst Beat That Idea To Death ad featuring POTATO CHIPS.   Yes, Pringles, you got noticed too.  Stay tuned. 

Sunday, February 13, 2022

Allstate Mayhem Commercials: See, if nobody dies, it's funny!


See, if you're going to drive like a dangerous idiot, you should make sure you have good auto insurance.  Because if you don't, when you have one of these hi-LARIOUS accidents in which By the Grace of G-d nobody is killed or even injured, that insurance will pay for your equally hi-LARIOUS irresponsible asshattery.

I mean, you COULD just keep your eyes on the road and accept the responsibility that's kind of supposed to be expected of anyone maneuvering several tons of metal at high speeds while surrounded by thousands of innocent people who are also expected to accept the same level of responsibility (plus pedestrians who are at the mercy of your ability to pay attention, btw.)  But since that's apparently not an option when you really really want to eat those French Fries (or text, or check Facebook, or any number of things that really can just wait,) well, again, make sure you have good insurance.  Because then if you get into one of these horrific but non-fatal (and therefore hi-LARIOUS) accidents, it's All Good!

As usual, the only thing more disgusting than these stupid commercials is the fact that they have a depressingly large fan base.

Saturday, February 12, 2022

Geico: Two things that don't live to be 85 years old


1.  Geckos.

2.  Morbidly Obese Couch Potatoes.

Only one of them can do anything about it.  I wouldn't suggest you use that jogging outfit you're wearing to start jogging, because I don't want you to have a heart attack.  Take some walks first to bring your heart rate up slowly.  Add a little more speed and/or distance every two weeks.  Of course, Consult your Doctor Before Starting any Exercise ProgramTM.  

And cut out the greasy Chinese takeout.  That part I can safely advise without being a Nutritionist or Dietician or even a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor (yes, there are such things.  I think the certification costs $20 and is available from the same place Kent Hovind got his "Doctorate.")

Yes, it's delicious.  But yes, it's also killing you.  Which means it's not worth it.  This isn't complicated. 

Thursday, February 10, 2022

Here's a REAL tip from Domino's= get pizza from someplace else.


No, Domino's doesn't actually believe that it's been a major hassle to pick up a pizza and bring it home from the store ("store" sounds more accurate than "restaurant," as anyone who has actually eaten Domino's-Brand Carbs and Sludge can attest.)  That's just it's way of trying to get out of the Delivery business because the cost of gasoline is pressing on the old bottom line and the current delivery fee was already inflated.  Domino's would very much like to fire all those people who have been making a little extra money bringing you your pizza by turning you into your own delivery guy.

So they'll give you a few bucks off if you'll just come by and get it yourself, and they'll call it a "tip" because you're stupid.  How do they know you're stupid?  Um, you're buying pizza from Domino's!

Sunday, February 6, 2022

I guess Ice-T just had another "Change of Heart?"


This is a guy whose 1987 album was the very first to carry an "explicit content" warning sticker.  The guy who wrote and performed Cop Killer, Body Count, Home Invasion and Born Dead.   Then he apparently decided that there was more money in steady television work and has appeared on more than 450 episodes of Law and Order: SVU.  And lately he's decided that there's money in pitching non-car insurance non-coverage and...Honey Nut Cheerios.  

At which point, we all need to apologize to Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, and all the other black entertainers we ever denounced for selling out for the mass audience.  Because doing Superman III and Brewster's Millions and The Toy wasn't selling out.  Performing in Doctor Doolittle and playing a nameless donkey in Shrek wasn't selling out.  Not compared to this....whatever the heck this is.   

Zillow totally gets the current market


I'm really, really pulling for this woman to just go ahead and buy that multimillion-dollar house which is on an island and which she clearly is not concerned about paying for, as her anxieties about moving from her already clearly very substantial house to another one is shown to have absolutely nothing to do with money and everything to do with the "hassle of moving."  I can really relate.

Saturday, February 5, 2022

The Rise and Fall of Peloton


No pun intended, but what an odd ride it's been!

Peloton- the Exercise Bike for the 1 percent- seemed to come along at the absolute perfect time (seriously, we ought to investigate this company to see if it had anything to do with the actual development of COVID-19.)  A pandemic sweeps the planet.  Millions of people are forced into lockdowns or at least voluntarily shift to Virtual Attendance at work- and most of those people now working from home are at least Upper Middle Class.  Millions see their gyms shuttered and locked and become concerned that hours in front of their computers will lead to sagging stomachs and expanding waistlines.  

Suddenly, here's a very pricey exercise bike which streams live spinning classes to simulate the experience of being on the floor of the basketball court where your fairly wealthy friends used to gather to sweat a few times a week.  It's easy to order, easy to set up in your huge living room, and fun to use- and the $2000 price tag and monthly fee for the "classes" is of no concern to you because you haven't missed a single day of work- in fact, other than being able to sleep a little later and keeping the Audi in the garage, you really haven't experienced any effects from the pandemic at all (no negative ones, anyway.)

As if things weren't going well enough for Peloton, they even managed to create an "accidentally" (?) controversial ad featuring a terrified-looking, rail-thin trophy wife desperately taking advantage of her husband's "thoughtful gift" of a Peloton bike to get up at 4 AM and sweat off half a pound or so before tending to the kids and hubby (who presumably aren't going anywhere anyway, seriously WTF?) which went viral, creating a wave of free advertising for a company that was already doing extremely well.  Hell, that ad even got parodied on SNL, which is the absolute Gold Standard for commercials.

In our winter of despair, there seemed to be no limit as to how big Peloton could get.  On December 21, 2020 stock in the company hit $162 per share, up from $25 at the time of it's initial public offering.  

And then...the day came that the board of directors over at Peloton, INC must have dreaded:  The vaccines began to hit the pharmacies.  Delta subsided.  Gyms began to reopen.  A momentary surge of optimism in the board room when Omicron was detected, but within weeks after that it was clear that the party was over.  "Back to Normal" was nothing but bad news for the Exercise from Home market and for Exercise from Home using this Ridiculously Overpriced Toy market.  Like the tulips and the .com businesses and the real estate that came before, the Peloton bubble was bursting.  

Yesterday, Peloton stock closed at $24.60 a share.  There are stories this morning that the company may be on the verge of bankruptcy.  I still see plenty of commercials for the bike on my television during football games and (especially) while watching CNBC, a channel geared toward that golden Upper Middle Class with disposable income I'd like to join someday before I die.  But the bloom is most definitely off the rose.  It's been a wild ride, Peloton.  Hope your CEOs invested their money into something more solid and less susceptible to sudden changes in the economic environment.  You know, like crypto currency- that's a bubble that will NEVER burst.  And I especially hope that the Terrified Trophy Wife Actress can still find gigs.  She's really cute. 

Friday, February 4, 2022

Keep going to Sonic; you'll be toast soon enough


Not much more to add about this awful Sonic commercial (pardon the redundancy.)  Two morbidly obese people yakking about the fatty cheese-and-grease-infused trash they are eating as they sit in their car because where else are you going to find the perfect atmosphere for consuming warm garbage?

The woman would "love" to "be toast" because "then I'd be delicious."  And believe it or not, that's the punchline.  That's it.  Why should I put more effort into my commentary on this ad than the people who got paid put in to writing it?  "I'd be delicious?"  What the hell?

Sunday, January 30, 2022

Dunkin Donuts helps turn you into a pumpkin, one cup of sugar at a time.


I watched this with the sound off, so I'm just wondering:  was the word "coffee" uttered at any point during its runtime?  Because I'm pretty sure I remember Dunkin Donuts making and selling coffee.  And I don't see any coffee here.  What I do see is a lot of cream and sugar dressed up like a holiday treat, but if you are in the market for something like this it will probably just replace that fatty junk the nice girl in the Drive-thru window hands you when you say "the usual" the other 11 months of the year. 

Enjoy turning into a pumpkin.  I'll keep taking mine black, thanks anyway.  And now I'm sure I do remember Dunkin Donuts selling coffee.  GOOD coffee.  And if you wanted some sugar with it, you could get yourself a piece of round fried cake with a hole in it.  Or a bag of fried holes.  It didn't come in the cup along with the coffee.  Did I miss something?

Saturday, January 29, 2022

This Capital One Birthday Pony Commercial...


1.  What is the point of the other presents?  Where they purchased by the other guests?  Well, those other guests are going to feel really special now that their gifts are probably going to go unopened by this spoiled little brat, as her mother obnoxiously gives her a pony right off the bat.  If I were one of these kids, I'd quietly take my gift back.  It's not going to be noticed anyway after this ostentatious display.

2.  So this pony was actually wrapped in paper? Who did this to the poor thing?  Who thought this was funny, or necessary, or even practical?  It's just really, really dumb.  

3.  I just hate this woman, and hate this kid, and feel sorry for the other kids here because they took the time to find gifts for this little girl that might as well be dirt under her shoe at this point.  Again- just take your gifts back, kids.  Donate them to a toy bank at a shelter somewhere.  Some poor kids who will appreciate them will get them.  You know, kids without an insane mom who thinks it's a good idea to wrap a f--king pony.   Cripes. 

Friday, January 28, 2022

Kay Jewelers: Yes, it's that time of year again....


You know what I'm talking about- that Dead Zone between Christmas/New Year's and Easter where there's no legitimate reason to buy shiny pieces of rock or candy so Capitalism hits us over the head with the Second-Biggest Guilt Trip Holiday (the biggest being Mother's Day) of the year, Valentine's Day.  Smack dab in the middle of the dreariest, coldest month, it's just wedged in there to remind us that if we are part of a couple, it's time to start spending, and if we aren't part of a couple, there's Something Wrong With Us Losers.

In the first scene of this chapter of It Never Ever Ends Does It? we are reminded that if you want her to say Yes, be sure to give her something that glitters and do it while standing next to a cliff.  Wait a few dates so you have a good idea of how much she costs, because that Token that Says She's Taken is a big enough waste of money without going overboard.  And if there's no cliff around, do the buying asking in front of an audience in some loud, ostentatious way that pretty much guarantees the "right" answer. 

Then go out and buy some chocolate, too.  Gotta keep the economy afloat until April.

Sunday, January 23, 2022

This stupid Tucson Hybrid "Gas Card" Commercial...


1.  Does this woman's boyfriend have any tact at all?  First of all, she's well aware that she drives a hybrid- it's her car, after all.  Second, it's not his job to judge a gift given to her by her parents.  What is the matter with you, you idiot?

2.  Why is he so obsessed with her needing gas?  Who acts like this?  She's the driver of her own car.  She can keep track of when she needs gas.

3.  Who re-gifts to the same person who originally gave the gift?  Like the dad isn't going to notice it's the exact same gift card?  And Stupid Boyfriend is at it again, ready to say "hey, isn't that the same card he gave you?" before she shuts him up.  

4.  She drives a Hybrid.  Which means- her car uses gas.  So she buys gas.  Why doesn't she want that gas card?  

Saturday, January 22, 2022

The "Escape Room" series is an example of the betrayal of Modern Cinema


For those of you who aren't aware- lucky you- "Escape Room" is a (likely endless) series of films that function, in the words of one of my favorite reviewers, as "Saw for Babies."  In other words, Violence Porn for the PG-13 set.  Because you're never to young to start reveling in the agony of complete strangers for the benefit of the viewing audience, I guess.

Here's why I find films like this especially insulting, and why I would never actually pay money to see any film of this depressingly popular genre (besides the fact that I find no entertainment in watching terrified people struggling to survive for five minutes, let alone ninety:)  they break what used to be a pretty standard and completely fair contract between movie studios and movie-goers.  The idea is that a film is supposed to tell a complete story:  It would have a beginning, in which characters are introduced, a storyline that included rising tension, and a satisfying resolution.  Way too many films these days- especially films like Saw, Escape Room, and any number of slasher films- break this contract with the innocent moviegoer who put down his money to watch such a story.  In short, they don't actually end with anything more than a "it's not over, bring your money back next year to see the next chapter" slap in the face.

This is ok if the film is based on a book series, and the people watching are well aware that they are watching one chapter in a series.  That's the contract they signed up for when they put down the money.  But unless a film is advertised in advance as a "Chapter" of a book that will eventually come to a satisfying conclusion, ending on a "stay tuned" note feels like a mugging.  

And why am I picking on Escape Room?  Because a "sequel" was released recently, and like the first film ends on a cliffhanger.  And here's where my blood really gets up- if you go to the Wikipedia page for the second film, the director reveals that there will be a third film "IF the box office allows for it."  In other words, there's no storyline being followed.  There's no conclusion being built toward.  If the fans of the first two films want to stay invested in this series to find out "what happens," (you know, like the fans of the Halloween film series have been waiting 44 years to find out,) well, they better hope that the second film made enough money to finance a third.  But they'd better realize that they are already doomed to repeat the past- if a third Escape Room film is released, and they think it's going to wrap up the series, they have no business being upset when it also ends on a cliffhanger.  The series will never end- it will will just die out when one of the films is not profitable enough to justify another chapter.  If you are a fan of Escape Room, you might as well just admit that you are in a trap of your own making and there is no escape for you, because Hollywood long ago figured out that telling a good story with a satisfying conclusion isn't as profitable as telling a series of stories (or, more accurately, the same story over and over again) with no wrap-up before the end credits.  

My solution to the problem is beautiful in it's simplicity:  If you go to see Escape Room: Tournament of Champions, leave the theater ten minutes before the ending.  There.  You've seen the wrap-up and you can now get on with your lives.  Don't wait for the blatantly obvious to Everyone On The Planet Who Has Ever Been To One Of These Films "Twist."  Just leave, and get on with your lives, and assume that Escape Room 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 are just remakes of the first movie (which, in fact, they are anyway.)

Friday, January 21, 2022

Just one more thing about this stupid "flex" commercial.


This obese doofus has a Suburban McMansion in the fabulous housing development on the very best street in Whitebreadborough USA, where he lives with his cookie cutter wife and cookie cutter 2.1 children when he isn't at his Standard Office Job selling Standard Office crap to Standard Fellow White Nobodies for 40 years or so until he retires to Tampa or Phoenix.  In the meantime, he's going to take pride in having a f--king tailgate that expands to provide more room to do stuff on because he's actually been dead for years and has absolutely nothing of interest going on in his life and there's only so many times a week he can hop on his $4000 riding mower and spend 45 seconds mowing his postage stamp-sized lawn.  

No hate, buddy, but seriously:  if you find yourself "flexing" with something like this, it's time to call it a day.  Go back inside to your Man Cave and watch tv on your 70-inch screen and if you're very, very lucky a nice little heart attack will come out of nowhere to rescue you from your non-life.  You're welcome. 

Tuesday, January 18, 2022

Dollar Tree now sells stuff for 1.25. The First World is triggered. Nothing new to see here.


"Influencers" and "Bloggers" are outraged.  So are pathetic trailer trash addicted to low prices on junk which have conned them into believing that they are financially stable.  Trash which thinks it has some kind of god-given right to rock-bottom-priced garbage Because Reasons ("America," most likely.)

The rest of us are just getting on with our lives because other than having to drive past them, we have nothing to do with this dirty, smelly stores, their down-on-their-luck employees, and the sad, depressingly fertile trolls wandering their aisles looking for lead-infused toys and lemon snack pies. 

Monday, January 17, 2022

Sirius XM Tiktok Radio, because the Universe continues to hate me.


Because the dumpster fire of rank Stupid that is TikTok certainly deserves it's own radio channel, doesn't it?  I mean, how else can you keep up with the wall of noise only "influencers" and other talentless mouth-breathers can provide during those few minutes every day you can't be on your phone because of lame Boomer Traffic Laws?

Look, I know this channel wasn't created for me.  And I know that all I have to do is not tune in (and believe me, I won't.)  But that's not going to spare me from the endless commercials for this auditory toxic waste dump (being scheduled on the SiriusXM Classic Radio channel, of all things.  As if the average customer for TikTok Radio is an elderly white female.)

Sunday, January 16, 2022

TurboTax is FREE FREE FREE... until it isn't.


Sigh.  It's this time of year again....

(Full Disclosure:  I have been a highly satisfied TurboTax customer for close to twenty years now.  On average I can complete my forms and send them out electronically, with Direct Deposit selected to receive my refund, inside of 30 minutes.  It really helps when you don't own anything.) 

TurboTax is FREE.  It's FREE.  It's FREE.  Unless, of course, you want to file electronically, or you want to file your State form along with your Federal form, or if you want any guarantee of accuracy from TurboTax, or if you want to use Direct Deposit to get your refund.  If you don't care about any of that, then yes, there is a version of TurboTax that is FREE.  Do I have to add that I really, really don't recommend that version AT ALL?

It costs me about $100 to file both State and Federal taxes with TurboTax, and I have never had an issue with the IRS, and I've received my refund very quickly- once, only three days after official Approval.  So again, I have ZERO problem with TurboTax itself.  But these "do it for free" ads which pop up every. Single. January. are not particularly honest.  Simply put, you get what you pay for. And when it comes to something like taxes, it's worth a small investment to do it right.  

Saturday, January 15, 2022

MassMutual suggests this guy's family is out to get him, but wants to check some boxes off first...


Well, I suppose the FIRST thing that would happen if these ridiculous ghouls get their obvious wish and the breadwinner of the family is injured and has to miss work is....they have to go out and get jobs to keep the mortgage payments on that ridiculous house current.  Seriously, I see at least three potential paychecks here other than this guy being hounded to do something before he inevitably gets injured (or gets scurvy.)  And if their combined efforts can't keep that house, well, they are living beyond their means and I really don't care.   And neither should he.  

Friday, January 14, 2022

Tom Brady wont' be there to bail you out when the bubble bursts, Crypto-Idiots!


The radio version of these stupid Crypto Scam ads starts with "everyone is getting into crypto!  Are you?" which makes negative sense to even ask; if "everyone" is getting into crypto, doesn't that mean that I'm getting into crypto By Definition?  Or is that ad actually asking me if I am not part of the set of people which includes "everyone?"

In this particular commercial we are told that Tom Brady and his wife- sitting in one of their ridiculous palaces, with more money than they could possibly spend- are "in" on putting a sliver of their vast fortune into an imaginary non-asset whose value is entirely built on hype well mixed with confusion and greed.  Which is just fine for Tom Brady, who won't even notice the next time Bitcoin drops from $50000 per unit to $30000 because Elon Musk accidentally drops a truth bomb on late-night TV, but might be a bit more impactful for one of the millions of stupid knobs who move their retirement funds into something they can't even begin to comprehend because a quarterback who owns multiple vacation homes and is married to a supermodel sort-of endorsed it in a commercial once. 

I'm not "in."  I will never be "in" until there's some semblance of regulation connected to this crypto-stupidity.  But then, what do I know about investing?  I probably would have missed out on that awesome tulip deal back in the 1630s, too.