Monday, April 29, 2013

Dr Pepper's salute to conformist non-conformity

As near as I can tell, this commercial is one great big celebration of the concept of being yourself by following the crowd.

I mean, everyone's expressing themselves by wearing red shirts which include some fact which labels them in some way or another.  Personally, I think it's a lot more individualistic to NOT wear a personality trait on your freaking chest, but that's just me.

And look what qualifies as "Rebellion:"  Wearing a WHITE t-shirt instead of a red one.  A white t-shirt which announces "I'm a Rebel."  The only "rebellious" thing we see this woman do is walk in the opposite direction from the crowd, with a Way Too Satisfied With Her Bold Refusal To Go Along look on her face.  Take that, Sons of Liberty.  Take that, Civil Rights leaders of the 50s and 60s.  THIS is what it means to be a Rebel in 2013.

Is it ok if I find all this choreographed junk just a bit too manipulative to swallow?  Not that I'm a target audience or anything- personally, I've never understood the allure of soda that tastes like cough syrup.  But I never imagined that buying and drinking this swill would put me in the ranks of Nat Turner and John Brown.  Hey, they didn't even have "I'm a Rebel" t-shirts.  Losers.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Hyundai confirms that it does not employ actual human beings to make its ads

Maybe the only thing more disturbing about this tasteless, thoroughly disgusting, horrible little nub of an ad is that there are actually Youtube posters who think it's funny and that those offended by it "need a sense of humor."

This commercial has already been pulled by Hyundai.  But whether or not it should have been pulled is a question dwarfed by a few others:

First, how was it even made?  At least one person had to write it.  At least one other person had to OK it. Several other people created the set, and hired the actor to play Man Humorously Attempting To Commit Suicide.  My guess is that at least a dozen people had a very strong grasp of what was going to happen in this commercial-- and gave it the thumbs-up anyway.

Second, how did this get on the air?  This required even MORE people to watch the ad and sign off on it.  I figure we are up to twenty people now who had every opportunity to stand up and say "wait a minute.  This is unacceptable, offensive garbage.  It's not even a matter of us being able to do better than this.  It's more like, 'it would be hard to do worse.'"

Yet, it got written, it got funded, it got produced, and it got aired.  And now Hyundai has pulled it, expressing surprise and regret that people failed to find humor in an ad mocking a suicide attempt.

I don't think I have a reputation for overreacting, but it's really not enough for me that Hyundai has yanked this ad and apologized.  Personally, I think a few more steps are required.  The writer, producer, and everyone else involved in this abomination should never be allowed to work in advertising again.  Nor should they be allowed within 100 yards of children.  Oh, and they should be deported.  To Gitmo.

Oh, and Youtube posters who thought this was funny and we all just need to "lighten up?"  You can go, too. You will not be missed.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

"Here's your F--ing Chocolate Diamonds. Will they buy me even an HOUR of peace?"

So I guess the male half of this couple, bitterly regretting his decision to take his honey to the Levian Chocolate Diamonds Exhibit Sponsored by Kay Jewelers at the local museum, got really sick of listening to the twit blather on and on with her recital of Everything She Just Learned About Chocolate Diamonds From The Signs (hey look, she's literate!  What a great catch!)  and wandered off to the gift shop for some Me Time.

While he was there, he heard a few people checking out the snow globes complaining about this leggy lunatic who can't stop dropping obvious hints about how much she just loves these Chocolate Diamonds.

Resignedly, he pulled out his MasterCard and shelled out for one of the stupid rocks, already inflated in price but even more so at a museum gift shop.  As if the fricking $20 entrance fee wasn't enough-- and oh holy jesus, he also said something about dinner at that upscale cafe afterwards.  It never ends, this shit.

Friday, April 26, 2013

I had to desperately distract her from the secondary prize that came with the ring: Me.

I just can't wrap my head around the massive mess of dumb that makes up this mercifully short ad.

"How far would you go?  Some guys are going to extremes..." what, seriously?

"He proposed to me at the bottom of the ocean (appreciative witless giggle.")

"I had to propose to her at zero gravity."  Are you f--ing kidding me?  Might I inquire why, exactly?

Do you ever allow yourself to realize that when you "go to extremes" by proposing in scuba gear, or while in the stratosphere, or on a roller coaster, or with the help of the morons running the Jumbotron, you are essentially admitting that you feel the need to smear expensive, showy lipstick on a pig?

In other words, do you realize that your determination to propose in such a blatantly "off-key" way is just a confession that there's nothing especially special about YOU, so you'd better put a gigantic ribbon on this not very impressive gift?

And to the woman who gushes about the rock she was offered by bleating "who could say no to THAT?"-- I get it.  Who could say no to the big pretty rock.  She isn't being asked to say Yes to being Mrs. Henry Jones.  She's being asked to accept the pretty rock.  Who could say no to it?  Not her.  Sure, it means she's got to take this guy with it- but check out this rock again!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Acura gives its Luxury Middle Finger to the Rest of Us

Tell me you don't want this commercial to end with the guy with the luxury house and the luxury car having a luxury collision with a luxury tractor trailer truck which leaves his luxury chest impaled on his luxury steering column and luxury paramedics prying his luxury ass out of his crushed luxury car with the luxury jaws of life.

Hell, I'd settle for seeing him have a luxury heart attack.  I don't ask for much.

I mean, just check out the message in this ad: This guy has it great, best of everything.  His life couldn't be better, if the value of a life is measured by the number of luxury items one is surrounded with.  But all this luxury pales in comparison to....the luxury of his car.  I can just imagine if the one actor in his commercial was narrating it himself- "I thought my life was awesome until I sat my pampered butt down in my Acura.  Then I realized- 'my life is REALLY awesome!'"  Ugh.

Oh, and the people who wrote this disgusting, bile-inducing pile of steaming elephant dung?  There's no way you die painfully enough for me.  I hate all of you so very much- even more than you hate us, if that's even possible.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Wait till his ingrown toenail prevents him from attending her wedding

I'm on this stuff right now, ok?  My head hurts, my eyes are itchy, I'm coughing, I have an ear ache  and my nose is runny.  But today I also walked ten miles to Washington DC on Saturday and hit the gym afterwards because darn it, it's nice outside and I love the exercise.   I'm uncomfortable, but it takes a lot more than allergies to keep me confined indoors on a nice day.

The guy on this ad also has allergies.  He looks like he has the same symptoms as I do.  But look what's happening here- he's coughing and sneezing, so he's staying indoors rather than teaching his daughter how to ride a bike.

I don't have any kids.  I don't think I have to know what it is to be a parent to make a judgement call on the guy in this ad:  Buddy, your daughter wants to learn how to ride her bike.  She wants her Dad to help teach her how to ride that bike.  Buddy, I don't give a flying damn how much you are sneezing, how watery your eyes are, or how much your throat itches.  Get your fat ass outside and teach your daughter how to ride her bike. 

Because allergies are a pain.  But the allergic reactions you can treat with Allegra aren't life-threatening, they are just annoying.  If they keep you inside on days you have nothing especially interesting to do, or when there's a good game on tv, fine.  If they keep you inside when you could be teaching your daughter how to ride a bike but you won't because you don't like sneezing, you are a disgusting, self-absorbed ass, your wife could have done much better, and I doubt very much you'll have any trouble coming up with equally lame excuses for not going to her future dance recitals, track meets and graduations (those are held outside sometimes, oh horrors!)  This guy is acting as if he's reprising John Travolta's role in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.  Dickwad.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

AT&T and Facebook: Terminally Stupid Together

We've all been in museums, libraries, and other once-quiet, peaceful places with this woman.  We all recognize her- she's the empty-headed idiot walking right past art and knowledge and barely managing to avoid bumping into walls because she's got her eyes glued to that m---f----ing screen in her hand.  She inspires feelings of intense disgust in all of us- disgust that we really hope does not turn to anger if that thing starts vibrating or chirping every few seconds, outright rage if the ringtone starts blaring.

And we wonder- what the hell is this person doing here?  As far as I know, there's no law requiring that drooling Facebook and/or cellphone addicts spend any time at all in museums or libraries or parks or anywhere else the rest of us are trying to enjoy a little of the unplugged life.  (Hey, losers- you guys aren't required to go to movies, either.  Just in case you didn't know, because you don't act like you do.)  Any of us really mind if people who want to chat and text and obsess over Facebook every waking moment of the day never make an appearance in a museum?  Can I assume that if they just find a rock to crawl under (a rock that does not interfere with their 4G, of course) they will not be missed?

Oh and by the way, is it safe to assume that when this idiot finally gets to escape from the Oh So Boring 'Cause It's So Not Being on Facebook museum and meet up with friends, she won't have the slightest idea of how to respond to the question "so, what did you do today" because she won't remember a bit of it beyond the time she spent daydreaming about being back on Facebook?

And is it also safe to assume that this sawdust-for-brains ditz will continue to pollute all the quiet, interesting places I like so much and spend all of her time staggering around in a bored daze while I mentally beat her to death with her own phone?

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Geico takes a stab at cross-marketing

"Happier than the Pillsbury Dough Boy going to a Baking Convention."

That's the punchline.  Seriously.

Well, don't I feel stupid now.  I actually thought that "Happier than Paul Revere with a cellphone" might possibly be the bottom of the barrel for Geico and it's intensely stupid Jackassses With Banjos And Horrible Punchlines Which Dont Even Come Close to Providing a Payoff for the Extended Setup ad campaign.  Man,  do I deserve my audience an apology.

Because I didn't even take into account the possibility that Geico might start partnering with other companies in their commercials (is a Geico Lizard Loves Grands Biscuits spot on the horizon?)  What's next- "Happier than a mentally ill squirrel headed off to see Iron Man III?"  This Car Insurance/Bleached Dough Stuffed With Chemicals crap  makes the Peanuts characters pitching MetLife look absolutely genius.

By the way, anyone else wonder why the Pillsbury Dough Boy would be happy to be going to a "baker's convention?"  He's made of dough, for chrissakes.  So he's excited at the prospect of dozens of tables loaded up with relatives subjected to 400 degree temperatures and laced with icing?  What the hell?

Or am I just overthinking this stuff again?

Friday, April 19, 2013

Next year, KFC will serve it up in liquid form

Ok, let's take this slowly...

Somehow the loathsome bag of grease (we are what we eat, right?) starring in this commercial managed to consume a box of fried chicken parts without taking a breath, or allowing a thought to enter his sawdust-mottled head, which might have caused him to notice that the junk he was consuming was BONELESS.  He simply inhaled this life-shortening garbage until there was nothing left in the box but a few crumbs.  I wonder if he bothered to taste it.  At least one of his fellow lunchchoads did, because he comments on how good it is.  But this guy just stored it away like a chipmunk getting ready for the winter.

And anyway, is it really a good idea to encourage the expedited consumption of "food" like this?  At least if the KFC has bones, you have to take your time eating it.  Which means your body has time to recognize that it's getting full, and can get that message to your brain that it's time to stop eating.  Oh, but wait...why would KFC want you to stop eating?  This is the "restaurant" that fills soda cups with fried batter and calls it "Popcorn Chicken," after all.

So maybe "take this slowly" was not the best way to start this blog post.  KFC doesn't want you to take this slowly.  KFC wants you to pack it away and come back for more, quickly.  If they can find new ways to allow you to get more crap into your body faster, all the better for the bottom line.  Sure, you also die faster- but they have no doubt you are passing your horrendous eating habits on to your unfortunate offspring.  Please remind them that popcorn chicken can now be Super-Sized.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

The Most Productive People in the World

Yes, because we still don't waste quite enough time doing Nothing with our technology, do we?

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Wipe New?

I'm going to focus my entire post on just a few seconds of this hilarious Miracle Product ad.  If you want to follow along, jump to the 32-second point.

Here we have a guy who claims to have spent decades as a "Professional Car Detailer."  He tells us that with this new product, "now I don't just clean the car, I actually restore it."  Um, what?  So for decades, he was ripping off customers who wanted their cars detailed by merely cleaning them?  That's what he's saying.

Also- "this is the most revolutionary product I've ever used."  I notice he doesn't use the word "effective," and I'm not absolutely sure that "revolutionary" implies "effective."  But if this guy actually took his career of detailing cars seriously (I think we just learned that he didn't) you'd think he would have come across a lot of legitimate products that actually did restore cars to an earlier appearance.

But if all he did was wash cars while charging detailing prices, I guess this stuff does look revolutionary to him- "hey, there was an even easier way to get their money!"  Have to wonder why he'd want anyone else to know about it, though.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Kmart- if this is the beginning of a series, please, just kill me now



And to the YouTubers who think that this is the Bestest Most Awesomest commercial ever:



I suppose that very recently,  Kmart would have rejected this commercial because after all, only eight-year old boys raised in trailer parks in Kentucky would find this even remotely amusing, and they don't do a whole lot of shopping (but when they DO shop, they shop at stores ending in the letters "mart.")  But in 2013, pretty much all ads are geared toward people with the mentality (using that term loosely) of fifth-graders who are raising themselves while Mommy and Daddy are off trying to hustle a few dollars out of our permanently-in-the-dumps economy.  So while this is really pushing the envelope, it doesn't shock me like it might have a few years back.

Besides, have you seen Kmart's earnings reports lately?  Times are tough, even for Big Box Full of Chinese Junk stores.  I suppose that if this transparent bag of feces* attracts 1% more people than it repels, it's worth a shot.  And Kmart doesn't have to worry about offending me- I wouldn't be caught dead in one of their glorified, oversized, overpriced Dollar Stores regardless of the ads they produce.

*It's been a lovely weekend, and I've spent most of it on urban hikes.  I can't believe how many disgusting pet owners use transparent bags to pick up after their dogs.  What the hell is the matter with you people?

Another point of personal privilege; RE: YouTube

For a site which is essential to the success of my blog, I sure do give YouTube a lot of grief here. To be fair though it's not YouTube I snark at so much as YouTube devotees, who seem determined to let the world know that they believe that anything that can be captured on film is automatically LOL the funniest thing ever, and that every bit of music in every commercial more than three seconds long is worthy of obsessively posting "where can I get this music I need this music what is this music anyone know the name of this music where can I get this music?"

But I have two serious questions about YouTube itself that I would like to ask readers of this blog.  I hope they don't sound too stupid, but they are two things that have always really bugged me about the site and maybe someone out there has some reasonable answers for me.

First, why would anyone post a commercial to YouTube- and then make the video "private?"  I can understand wanting to make private, personal family videos available only to a select number of people (and I kind of wish that more of the crap posted at that site WAS private, and am downright mystified at a lot of the stuff that isn't.  I had no idea that there were SO MANY PEOPLE living in this country who are sure they are budding stand-up comedians, film directors, or models. (Hey, people?  Hate to break it to you, but you aren't anywhere near as funny, talented, or good looking as you think you are.  Glad I could help.)  But commercials?  They don't really belong to you.  So you captured it on film, posted it on YouTube- and then made it private?  What the hell?

(And why is it that some of these videos don't start out as private, but become private later?  Why would anyone do that with a COMMERCIAL?)

Second, where do ad companies get off using YouTube to spread their lame commercials at no cost, and then refusing to allow Commenting or Embedding for these commercials?  There are a TON of ads available on YouTube clearly posted there by the companies responsible for them which allow you to watch the ads but not comment or share them.  What is that all about?  It seems to me that if McDonalds wants to use YouTube to show off it's latest thirty-one second crap ad, they should at LEAST be required to surrender control of it for embedding, and to allow people to give their take.  Why are they allowed to basically poach space here as if YouTube is just another tv channel (one that provides free ad space?)

Anyway, it should be pretty obvious that these questions reflect my irritation that YouTube on occasion fails to be one hundred percent helpful and instead makes it difficult or even impossible for me to carry out this hobby with the ease a rather lazy, unimaginative dope like me requires.  I am curious though, so if anyone out there has any answers, I'd love to read them.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Interesting strategy, Miller Lite

Miller's latest ad campaign seems to be based on the following theory:  If you want to hook people into buying your brand of beer, find the must obnoxious, annoying and appallingly ugly human being ever to curse his mother's womb to appear in it.

Then hire a few monkeys who have an hour or so to spare and are capable of holding crayons to write a script which involves having this wretched bag of refuse make stupid faces and utter remarks that are very funny to an audience of senile box turtles.

Throw in a small dog, a few hot girls in bikinis, and a couple of twentysomething beer-swillers who can convincingly act befuddled at being in an ad which is awful even for a BEER commercial.  DONE.

The YouTube losers tell me that the-- ahem, "star" of this junk is an Asian game show host, or something.  No, I don't need clarification.  I don't care.  I just thought I'd throw that out there, because this post was looking like it was going to be a little thin.  And because I wondered if I was supposed to know who this pustule was.

And now, I'm going to make a small admission:  I have seen this ad maybe thirty times, but I have not listened to it even once.  This possibly explains why I find it so very awful, but I really would rather not leave the mute button alone and see if the script comes close to justifying this putrid, vile assault on all that is Good and Decent in the world.   I'll leave that to you guys.  I'm pretty sure I'm missing absolutely nothing.

Friday, April 12, 2013

"Hi, I'm the older child who lives in this house...."

Let me see if I get what you are telling me here, lady--

You like to watch bottom-feeder crud featuring zombies wielding chain saws, but you are afraid that if your KIDS watch what Mommy likes to watch, they'll get nightmares.  So you need to be the "boss of the TV" and block the stupid junk you watch from your impressionable kids.

I have a rather neat idea: How about taking this moment to re-examine your own tv viewing choices?  This MIGHT be a good time to ask yourself "why am I watching stupid, pointless brain flem?  Is it because I'm an Adult and I can?  Or am I less of an adult than I think I am?  I mean, thirty years after the Bloody Biker Type became the hackneyed symbol for the unstoppable lunatic, I still think he's Really Scary."

Seems to me that the wrong person is the Boss of the TV in this house.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

All of these people need to die. Right. Now.

Hate Rising.  Rage Intensifying. Blood Pressure Rising.  HULK SMASH!

For all you Holier-than-thou (or just Holier-than-me) commercial viewers who claim to have never, ever wanted to jump on an airplane, fly to whatever muck factory produces advertising swill, and beat to death the characters who appear on your tv set for thirty-one seconds at a time attempting to sell you something,  I present: These Commercials.

And if you try to tell me that you STILL did not reach a level of homicidal rage before either of these monstrosities were over ( I really don't recommend you watching both of them at one sitting.  Consider this a Do Not Attempt disclaimer) I must reply that I simply do not believe you.  And you should stop lying to strangers.  And get your eyes, hearing, and pulse checked.

Because if this didn't make you sick with fury, you are probably a good candidate for Sainthood.  If you actually thought one of them was funny, you are not a candidate for the Human Race.  And please, for the benefit of us who ARE human, I beg you: Don't Breed.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Gerber's presents: The joy of single motherhood. Gag.

Pardon my prudishness, but it seems to me that if the Mommy here really wanted her baby to be "covered," she wouldn't have set herself up to be a single mom.

Now of course, we don't have the back story.  Maybe the sperm donor skipped town.  Maybe he died.  Maybe his wife wouldn't grant him a divorce.  But this woman looks waaaaayyyy too happy about being on her own with a brand new baby, and I get a very strong vibe that this was what was planned all along.

And if that is in fact the case, I really don't see how a $10,000 life insurance policy is going to reassure a baby who is going to be raised by day cares and babysitters while mommy is off making money to make ends meet.

"Hey, wait a minute, John- you are assuming an awful lot here.  Maybe she's independently wealthy, and she plans to live on that wealth while staying home and raising her child."  Ok- but if that's the case, why is she so giddy about purchasing a miserably inadequate $10,000 life insurance policy for that kid?  I mean, jeesh- $10,000 covers about four months in the life of the average American adult in 2013.

My guess is that the vast majority of Single Moms are a lot more interested in finding low-cost day care and a decent, rent-paying job than in waxing poetic about an insurance policy provided by a company specializing in crushed carrot mush sold in tiny glass jars.  But that's just my take.  This woman sure makes single mommyhood look inviting, doesn't she?  I must say, Gerber's certainly chooses the strangest things to endorse.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Another very tiny violin for the customers of US Tax (Cheat) Shield

Let's just take this line by line, shall we?

"The IRS said I owed them thousands of dollars..."

Translation:  "The IRS finally caught up with my years and years of cheating, and showed me exactly how much I owed, and why.  But by using the passive 'the IRS said,' I can fish for sympathy from people who regularly pay their fair share and might not be automatically inclined to feel sorry for a scofflaw like myself.  And just to up the sympathy ante, I use the word them to describe the IRS, hoping you don't realize that in this context, them means an organization created to ensure that people like me don't get away with coasting on the contributions of people like you."

"even though I felt I had done the right thing.."

Translation:  "My feeling was that I had paid enough, and this should trump my knowledge that I was cutting corners, failing to file, and doing all those things you losers who ask 'how high' when the gummint says 'jump!' Because I believe in Liberty, unlike you sheep."

"they put a lean on my house...."

Yes, because when you buy a house with money gained from not paying your taxes, that's the same as making every taxpayer contribute to the buying of that house.  You don't get that? Well, what do I expect from a tax cheat who wants sympathy from non-tax cheats?

"They even went after our daughter's college savings account..."

See above.  If you cheat on your taxes, everything you spent money on INSTEAD of your taxes is an illegitimate purchase which SHOULD be seized by the government.  Most adults KNOW that if you refuse to pay your monthly rent and instead use that dough to buy big-screen televisions, you can't expect your landlord to just shrug and look the other way for very long.  If you take out a mortgage and then fail to pay it, preferring to put your money into European vacations or college funds, don't whine to me when the bank takes that house back or tells Suzy that she doesn't get to go to college on ill-gotten cash squirreled away by her idiot, irresponsible parents.  Seriously, what is the matter with you people?

"Then a friend- she told me about US Tax Shield."

Translation:  "I have a friend who is either A) a fellow tax cheat who managed to beat the system, or B) a devotee of late-night television who has also repeatedly encouraged me to learn how to flip houses from my laptop, buy Miracle Eagle Eyes sunglasses and Sham-Wows by the truckload, and put the money I am stealing from society by not paying my taxes into gold coins."

Here's an idea, potential customers of US Tax Shield:  If you are in trouble because you haven't been paying taxes, or you screwed up and underpaid several years in a row, contact a local tax attorney not associated with Liberty Tax for advice.  She will inform you that the Evil Horrible Blood-Sucking IRS is usually very open to cutting a deal with you, and there's no reason you need to be gouged by a middle man like US Tax Shield or TaxMasters or any of these other bottom-feeding scumbags.   I've never had any problems with the IRS, yet I know this.  Maybe because I don't get financial advice from late-night television commercials.  And there's another good idea:  Don't take financial advice from late-night television commercials.  Sure, the "get away with it" message is more attractive, but a few minutes of research on (one of my favorite websites) will show you what a mirage it really is.

Northrup-Grumman: Efficient, Reliable Killing for more than half a century

"What do ethics have to do with building machines that blow off the body parts of Afghan children with the push of a button (the push of a button being made by some guy sitting in an office on the other side of the planet?"

"What do Values have to do with laser-guided Predator Drones, which would be considered the preferred tools of terrorists if the people we label terrorists could afford them. (Of course, if terrorists could afford them, and did use them, we'd use that use as an example of why they are terrorists.) And if the USA didn't use them?"

"What does Integrity have to do with hiring lobbyists, contributing to congressional campaigns, and buying off ex-military to serve as spokesmen against even considering touching military spending when it comes to tackling the budget deficit?"

What does a company like Northrup-Grummond have to do with ethics, values and integrity?  Absolutely nothing.  What importance does it place on money, power and the ability to deliver quick death to anyone the White House deems an "enemy?"  Everything.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

If you've run out of Ipecac.....

Commercial # 1:  MommyWife continues to put her MRS degree to work.  Yeah, I really regret not having a  whole batch of these things.  MommyWife doesn't, of course:  Her whole life (ending when she reached 22 or so) was all about snagging a guy wealthy enough to Provide All This:  a house, a new last name, and a new kid showing up pretty much regularly every other year or so.  And finding some sick, bizarre delight in cleaning up after your little offspring's "accidents" (is she even going to explain to the dunce why it wasn't a great idea to be carrying around his toilet like that?  Probably not- why spare herself the next Precious Moment?)

Ever want anything other than to be a simpering, eternally and pathetically grateful little handmaiden,  MommyWife?  Meh, I doubt it.  And if you did, I'm pretty sure that there's a powerful chemical added to Clorox, Lysol and Bounty Paper Towels* which kills the sensation that hmmmm.....isn't there supposed to be more than this? (*Maybe Brain Bleach?)

NO, there ISN'T.  Shouldn't you be getting along with your cleaning, shopping, and swimming practice?

Commercial #2:  Should come with the same warning as the first:  This Ad May Be Used To Induce Vomiting.  Seriously, I have no idea what this is supposed to be, and I sure as hell don't see how this is in any way an ad for faster connectivity.  NO connectivity, perhaps, but not faster connectivity.

Friday, April 5, 2013

The horrifying real meaning of that "Why Not" from Geico

Wow, it sure didn't take the geniuses at television's most ubiquitous insurance company long to run out of ideas for its horrid "Happier than..." campaign, did it?

Know what the "why not" response to "Happier than Paul Revere with a cell phone" (gag) means?  It means "I don't really give a damn what the punchline is.  It simply doesn't matter.  Might as well be 'toadstools' or 'sliced cucumbers' or 'shut up, that's why!'"   Hell, why not just make it "Beef Stew Saturday?"  Who cares?  Just vomit out something so we can wrap episode #5634 of the stupidest series of commercials since the end of Punch Dub Days."

"Why not?"  Because we hate you, that's why.  Now, stop making us miss the f--ing lizard and end this mess already.  Please.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Because if you think the emotional stress connected to bed-wetting is bad NOW....

I think it's nice that MommyWife gets her accident-prone son to help spread the Sham Wow for Bed-Wetters out on the God Damn It Last Mattress We Are Buying This Year I Don't Care How Bad It Smells, and I know she doesn't care to have me point out that there are medications for her son's---Umm, issues- not to mention therapies, and this is kind of a large, super-absorbing band aid on what might be a bigger problem, but still.....

Here's just a little bit of advice, from a non-parent to all you parents out there:  If you have a kid who is a bed-wetter, and you try this item, and it works, at least do your kids a favor and resist the temptation to "like" it on Facebook.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Denny's presents "Baconalia." Only in America. Thank God.

I guess it makes sense that the "good old days" for these guys is "this morning," because it's not like either is going to be sitting on a rocking chair at the old folks home forty years from now.  In fact, if they are serious about eating Every. Freaking. Meal. at Denny's, neither of these guys is going to see forty.

This is what we've come to in this country:  A series of commercials which celebrates the consumption of fried slices of pig fat.  And not only that- celebrates the consumption of fried slices of pig fat several times a day. Not to mention a company which thinks that the best way to sell a sandwich called "The Baconator" is to feature two disgusting fat slobs waxing poetic about how important it is to their happiness while consuming it.*  Ugh.

*Hey, guys?  Do you have a gun for your murder-suicide, or would you like to borrow mine?  Just trying to help.  Because, seriously- there are faster, less painful ways to die than this.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Because G-D F---ING FORBID you ever have to Shut Up!

My favorite part of this commercial is the fat business-type oaf at the very beginning, yelling "Hello? Hello?" into a cell phone that WE ARE BEING TOLD has a DEAD BATTERY.  Maybe I should cut this guy a little slack- he looks like he's over fifty, so he probably doesn't understand these newfangled wireless phones all that well- but still....the problem being announced by the narrator isn't "poor reception," it's DEAD BATTERIES.  Unless the guy on the other end is standing ten feet away, YELLING INTO YOUR DEAD PHONE ISN'T GOING TO HELP.

The rest of it is the usual "I am so important that I need constant access to the world through my cell phone" blather, with idiots angry that they can't use their phones to text and talk and stream videos nonstop for hours and hours without the battery needing a recharge.  I must say, I simply cannot relate to any of this.  If I forget to plug my phone in for two days in a row, the battery charge is reduced by about half.  I haven't had a phone actually DIE on me since I stopped having very long, late-night conversations with a certain someone I don't talk to anymore.

Quick tip:  If you are constantly facing the Oh So Tragic Problem of Annoyingly Inadequate Cell Phone batteries, you can do one of two things that are probably better bets than a tiny solar battery which MIGHT provide an extra six minutes or so, you yakky, phone-obsessed loser:

A.  You can carry around an extra battery.

B.  You can shut your stupid pie hole every once in a while.  Amazing how that saves battery life.

Why am I so sure that you are going to pick Option "A?"