Saturday, April 30, 2022

Alan Alda and ATARI- just a fun blast from the past!*


Ah, the late-70s, when Alan Alda could sell home arcade systems (I'm pretty sure "gaming" wasn't in the vocabulary back then) as "the perfect gift for the college student" while showing us a kid typing away on a blue screen with a white font (that wasn't anyone wanted to do then, any more than it's something anyone wants to do now.)  

This Atari system has "spell check"- as long as the user notices the spelling error first, and tells the program to fix it.  At least it isn't Magic Desk, that cartridge I used as my first "Word Processing Program" in my Commodore 64 during my freshman year of college- that thing held a total of 1000 pages of text, each of which had to be saved individually and filed into one of the four drawers of a cartoon file cabinet.  Definitely more useful than an electronic typewriter, which doesn't "make all the copies you want as long as you can find ink for the printer somewhere" like Mr. Alda's meal ticket. 

*I'm still recovering from my bout with That Illness That Shall Not Be Named.  I'm tired.  This was easy.  Sue me. :>)

Friday, April 29, 2022

Tovala: For those with money to burn, I guess


I guess this is how you one-up the neighbors who always seem to have a DoorDash or GrubHub or whatever delivery guy in their driveway, except how do you casually let those neighbors know that you are SO SO VERY BUSY and that money is SO VERY NOT AN OBJECT that you actually purchased a food service that includes a specialized oven along with the prepackaged, Sprinkle This Packet of Seasonings on So You Can Pretend You Participated in the Creation of this Meal food boxes which show up like clockwork every other week?

Oh, and lady?  I don't give one flying damn that you have more time for conference calls because you made this stupid commitment of money because you can time is precious.  Doesn't make you less of a lazy idiot who throws around cash like it's going out of style.  I can't relate to you, and I really don't want to, either.  Order a damn pizza. 

Sunday, April 24, 2022

The "new" cult of Weight Watchers


I tried to find the Weight Watchers (that's what WW stands for; it's just the rebranding of an old company) commercial featuring the woman with a degree in Nutrition* who went to the WW app TO FIND OUT HOW TO MANAGE HER WEIGHT.  I wondered what I would think of a dentist who went on tv to tell us that he found out how to take care of his teeth through an app- like, what were those years of specialized training for again?  I couldn't find it, but there was something in this ad (yes, it's an ad, not an innocent little "just my story" post, as you'll see in a moment) that really caught my attention.

Actually, it wasn't in the ad at all.  It was in the comments section.  A poster asked "weren't you using another system just a little while ago?" and is told by the creator "yeah, now I've switched to WW!"  The fact that the commenter KNOWS she was using another system a few months ago tells me that she posted about how amazing THAT was.  Now she's posting about how amazing WW is.  Why shouldn't I suspect - or just ASSUME- that in a few months she'll be pitching ANOTHER weight loss system as "amazing?"**  I'm sorry, but I don't see the difference between what this woman is doing and the people who move from ItWorks to Scentsy to CutCo to Amway to LuLaRoe to doTerra to Young Living and each time post to tell us about their incredible success at whatever Multi-Level Marketing Scam they are exploring this month and how it's perfect for all of us- this month. 

Maybe this woman should keep her advice to herself until she actually manages to stick to a program that works for more than three months or so.  Right now it just looks like she's willing to shill for any company willing to toss her a few bucks here and there.  

*which is not really a thing, any more than "Life Coach" is really a thing. It's just that Americans in particular either have no money, or money to burn. 

**Here's this same woman  in February 2021 telling us about her fabulous success with "Bright Line Eating."


Saturday, April 23, 2022

This Salonpas Commercial is just TOO much.....


Is it really feasible to ANYBODY that three middle-aged doctors sitting down for lunch in what I guess is a medical office building cafeteria would discuss a question like "what are you recommending for muscle pain?"  And if it is, is it at all realistic that the doctors would agree on an over-the-counter menthol patch and not some expensive pill or injection?  PLEASE!

"My patients really like these patches because they work up to twelve hours..." which means that by the time it's been demonstrated that the band-aid doesn't really solve the problem, the patients have to call for another appointment, and another round of paperwork can be filled out for the health insurance company?  And your patients like the patches SO MUCH that you keep a box of them in your pocket at all times, so you can draw it like a six-shooter on the off-chance that one of your fellow doctors forgets that they are themselves a doctor and asks a question like "what do you recommend for muscle pain?"

Friday, April 22, 2022

Someone tell T-Mobile that Diversity in Advertising can be taken too far!


The only thing dumber than showing a black guy playing hockey is showing a black guy in the stands cheering on a hockey game.  Hey, T-Mobile?  It's really ok if the commercial features just white people.  Nobody is going to throw a hissy-fit if you show two white hockey players- only 6.8% of hockey players in the United States are black.  Or a white couple in the stands (well, nobody worth listening too, anyway.)  White people still date other white people, like black people still date other black people (just over 8% of married couples in the United States are biracial, not quite sure why almost 100% of married couples on TV commercials are.  Then again, almost 100% of people on TV commercials live in multimillion-dollar suburban mansions or condos so what do I know?)  

It's ok to present a realistic picture of life in America every once in a while.  I know, hard to imagine, but totally true. Trust me.  

Just make another commercial with the same stupid idea except with basketball featuring black people.  To quote one of your competitors, It's Not Complicated.  

Oh, and while we're at it, why is the couple in the stands bundled up like they are freezing?  I've been in hockey arenas.  Just because the game is being played on ice doesn't mean that watching a game is an uncomfortable, cold experience.  Have the people in this ad ever actually experienced reality, like, ever?

Wednesday, April 20, 2022

So where's the Upgrade?


It's just a debt consolidation loan you give you yourself.  It's moving debt from one creditor to another.  It does absolutely nothing to help you get a handle on your debt; in fact, it does the opposite by allowing you to pretend that debt is smaller because it's now one large payment instead of a bunch of small ones, spread out over a longer period of time (which means you pay more in interest) so you can continue to live in a fantasy where your spending choices have no real consequences and you have more spending power than you have in reality.

This is how poor people stay poor.  There's no Upgrade here, and there's certainly nothing new here.  I still get blank checks from Debt Consolidation companies encouraging me to shift debt (that I don't have) over to them so they can have a steady income and I can feel free to spend spend spend.  They get torn up and thrown in the trash because I'm not a child and I know how much money I have and how to control my spending.  This commercial is not aimed at me.  It's aimed at people who are stupid with their money and determined to stay that way.  Hard Pass. 

Sunday, April 17, 2022

I guess the chapter where Larry David failed to invest in Tulips didn't make the final cut?

Anyone else sick to death of multimillionaires who wouldn't blink an eye if they lost what most of us make over the course of a lifetime telling us that if we don't invest in cryptocurrency we're Frightened-of-the-Future, Ignorant Losers who will Be Left Behind and probably Deserve to be Poor Anyway?

Larry David, Tom Brady, Matt Damon etc. are perfectly welcome to go chasing crypto-nonsense because they couldn't care less if it drops 50 percent in value because Elon Musk makes an offhanded joke on a late-night TV show, but 99 percent of us kind of count on our investment portfolios to provide for a decent retirement and don't see money as something to take for a spin because This Looks Like The Newest Big Thing.  If/when crypto tanks (repeatedly) over the next years (months,) well, these guys have already cashed their endorsement checks, have tons of money squirreled away in offshore tax havens, and won't be around for comment (Larry David might "entertain" us with a delightful(/s) "whaddayagonnado?" which I'm sure will thrill the YouTube mouth-breathers, but won't be a whole lot of solace for the middle-class suckers who decided to take what amounted to a Triple Dog Dare and put actual money into unsecured nonsense with a cool, futuristic name because some recognizable face on TV questioned their manhood and patriotism if they played it safe like all those scaredy-cats did in the old days. )

Well, excuse me, but I'm not Like Larry in the respect that I don't have money to burn (or, to put it more succinctly, to lose.)  And I'm not your audience, that being easily-manipulated rubes who assume that if a guy can write comedy, throw a football, or dribble lines before stepping back and letting his stunt double pretend to beat people up, he MUST be a genius investor.  And just as I have not purchased a sportscar, pickup truck, Beats by Dre or an iPhone 11 simply because someone on TV told me that only losers fail to do so, I am going to pass on this Awesome, Historical opportunity to ride the wave of Crypto.  I would have missed the Dutch Tulip Bubble too, I'm sure.  

(And I'm not even going to get into the whole Insult to our Intelligence that is the storyline in this stupid ad.  The wheel wasn't "invented" in ancient Egypt- like artificially produced fire, it's one of those things that predate written history by centuries.  Edison didn't invent the light bulb.  And the less said about the pretty damn blatantly racist cell phone bit the better.  Our country is dumb enough without this contribution,  Crypto-cons.)

Saturday, April 16, 2022

Insane Buick Trophy Wife is Insane


It took me a few views before I realized that this insane woman was actually talking to "versions" of herself as she enjoyed the features in her brand-new Buick.  She does not, in fact, have three similar-looking Fellow Trophy Wife Friends- or, if she does, she left them at the spinning class to get into their own flashy cars and head home to Sugar Daddy. 

I was too busy noting the whole "brutal spinning class" thing and how gag-inducing that was- pretty wealthy woman at a spinning class in the middle of the damn day needing her car to give her butt a massage while she blathers to herself about how awesome her car is.  Talk about privilege and First World problems.  

"You really outdid yourself."  I don't know what this means.  This guy clearly wasn't around to hear her first "worry" about parallel parking and then let the car solve the problem for her.  Is he seeing this car for the first time, and is her purchase of a Buick what he means by "outdoing" herself?  So she bought the car, went to spinning class, and then headed off to meet him?  I don't get it.

I also don't get why this woman's various manifestations of herself are all dressed like successful businesswomen.  Is this fantasy projection, or what?  Does this woman like to pretend that the Buick, the spinning classes, and everything else she has is the product of her own efforts, or what?  I mean, they kind of are- she kept herself young and cute long enough to snag that meal ticket, after all.  But imagining herself in a business suit with glasses that cry out "intelligent, capable, NOT A TROPHY WIFE" is a bit much.   You are what You are.  Deal with it. 

Friday, April 15, 2022

Priceline's "No Way" Commercial kind of says it all


Why would I ever listen to someone who aggressively closes my laptop to bleat a commercial for Priceline at me?

Why would I use this stupid, buggy, BS "service" for anything as important as a vacation?

Why does anyone think that ads like this convince anyone of anything except that the company that made it hates us?

Tuesday, April 12, 2022

Something's really "off" about this 2022 Tundra "Cappucino" commercial


Maybe it's the ridiculous amount of bling.  Maybe it's the incredibly LOUD fashion statements these guys are trying to make with their choice of clothing (I mean, come on- they look like they just stepped off the set of some 1940s gangster film.)  Maybe it's the downright creepy way this one guy is determined to show up the guys he meets at the cafe.

Nope.  I know what it is that really annoys me about this stupid ad which is allegedly for an overpriced LookatMeMobile (the "LookatMe" vibes are even stronger that usual here, I must say.)  It's that this jewel-encrusted asshat decided to park his truck right in front of the cafe, completely ruining the view of the street beyond the sidewalk for his "friends" and for everyone else who happened to be trying to enjoy the nice weather with a drink and some conversation at that particular restaurant on that particular day.  Sorry, Everyone Else- I can't be bothered to put this thing in a parking garage or lot like a normal person who doesn't have a gigantic stick shoved up my ass (or just deserves to.)  I'm putting my truck right here, barely a yard away from your face, so you can appreciate it and absolutely nothing else during your stay.  Even the waiter seems perplexed at this- like, "why are you damaging the dining experience of everyone else here?  Who the hell do you think you are?"

Or maybe it's just that this is a really, really stupid commercial trying to distract me from the truck - you know, the thing that's actually for sale- with bling, clashing colors, and arrogance?  Whatever.  This is crap, Toyota.  Stick with that deranged lunatic Jan.  At least I can understand what her pitch is. 

Sunday, April 10, 2022

Um, ok Toyota. Yes, it's that "Keeping up with the Joneses" commercial...


It's just a dumb idea- no that's being too generous, more like a fleeting thought desperately scribbled on to paper seconds before the Big Pitch Meeting some ad agency flunky was supposed to spend weeks getting ready for but wisely decided that based on what he himself had been seeing on TV for the past several decades that he could just blurt out the most inane, trite, obvious crap and the mouth-breathing American Public would slop it up and beg for more.

And I guess it worked- I mean, just look at the comments here.  If they aren't bots, I seriously fear for the future of my nation.  But they've got to be bots, right?  There's no way that there's THIS many people out there who were made to feel "proud to own a Toyota"* or who thought that this one-stupid-barely-a-joke garbage was anything more than slight-chuckle-if-I'm-already-drunk-at-this-point-in-the-Superbowl amusing.  And as for the sad lickspittle who thought they'd throw in "I'm surprised that Harrison Ford didn't show up playing Indiana Jones LOL" to a predictable chorus of "OMG THATS SO CLEVER THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN EPIC" replies, I'd offer the suggestion that it's very likely the pathetic bottom-feeders who were actually paid to produce this thought of that (and realized it would have much more impact than a grizzled Tommy Lee Jones) but then also realized that Harrison Ford wouldn't do it for less than eight figures and decided to give up the notion.   

Tommy Lee Jones?  He was in Man of the House.  He just wants people to know he's still around.

*almost as bad as the one woman who tells us she's proud to be a Jones.  Um, why, exactly?  Oh wait, I forgot:  For my own sanity's sake, I've decided these are all bots. 

Saturday, April 9, 2022

I'm going out on a limb with this Rocket Mortgage Commercial.....


...and guessing that when these two were dating, this guy wasn't quite as over-the-top with his reactions to every surprise and didn't screech like a little girl (or Homer Simpson) every time he was surprised.  Seems to me like that would be a deal-breaker. 

Friday, April 8, 2022

Not quite, Mr. Hudson


Yeah, everyone's Worst Nightmare is to have their car break down in broad daylight in front of a school in the suburbs.  Absolutely Horrifying.  Nowhere near as bad as, say, finding out that you shelled out hundreds or thousands of dollars in premiums for garbage, no-coverage car insurance because the Ghostbuster Nobody Really Remembers recommended it.  

Seriously, if your "worst nightmare" is having your car break down in this situation, you live a charmed life and I don't give one flying damn about your "nightmares."  Get a Real Struggle.

And if you fall for this garbage, just think:  You weren't even conned by Ice T.  Now THAT'S a nightmare.  Still not the worst, but definitely worse than THIS one.  Check this out if you find yourself suffering from a momentary lapse of judgement and even CONSIDER purchasing Car Shield Non-Insurance Insurance:

Sunday, April 3, 2022

Who relates to the woman in this Verizon ad?


You know, I can't imagine caring about anything less than this woman who lives in a freaking palace having reliable, "affordable"* 5G or whatever the hell this commercial is selling.  First, because it apparently just means that he never, ever has to take her damn eyes off of a glowing screen no matter what else she is doing.  Second, because I am not at all convinced that this woman ever noticed how much her internet or phone bill like Ever. 

*I don't know what "affordable" means to someone who lives in a massive apartment in a high rise in the middle of a city (New York? Los Angeles? Where was this filmed?) but I'm guessing it doesn't gel with what I think is "affordable."  Either way, f--k off stupid grinning idiot woman.  And while you're at it, step in front of a bus while watching Disney Plus on your stupid phone.  What is the matter with you, anyway?  

Saturday, April 2, 2022

Domino's values anyone who saves them money


Domino's believes that "every great delivery driver deserves a tip."  I guess that's why the pay for delivery drivers is so poor- Domino's expects the customers to help pay their salary.  It didn't become a billion-dollar industry by paying its employees a decent wage, after all.

And why is Domino's willing to knock three bucks off your pizza if you pick it up yourself?  Well, there's the cost of gasoline, for one thing: The boys on the board have crunched the numbers and figured out that if they want to keep providing delivery (not "free delivery"- that went out the window decades ago) they are going to have to mark up the price of their pizzas, which is going to reduce the size of their customer base (and reduce the size of their customers, too.)  A much better solution is to cut back on the number of $10 per hour delivery guys they've got hauling boxes of warm bland carbs and sugar to tasteless twats in the 'burbs by offering $3 to those tasteless twats willing to pick up their own sludge tossed into cardboard which is only slightly less nutritious than the sludge itself.  

Now I'm irritated that grocery stores don't offer a "tip" to customers using the self-checkout option.  Why did so many people just gravitate to those scanners, where we have to do all the work, without one dime of incentive?  Time for a consumer strike?  

Friday, April 1, 2022

The guy in this commercial is FREAKING ME OUT


I suppose I shouldn't be too critical of Joe- I mean, he's had enough problems with coming home from vacation to a broken refrigerator and having to deal with insurance right off the bat.  I'm glad he was able to navigate the online claims form and talk to someone in person and all that, but no matter how much of a "happy experience" this was, I can't see how it was anything more than a headache which put kind of a damper on the whole insurance thing.

But that's not really why I shouldn't be too critical of Joe.  Instead, I should give Joe a break because after all he must be suffering enough having at some point TOTALLY LOST THE ABILITY TO BLINK LIKE AN ACTUAL HUMAN.  I mean, seriously- you are freaking me out with those Crazy Eyes, Joe.  Please just BLINK and demonstrate to me that you are NOT A FREAKING ROBOT.   This is legitimately frightening.  If you met with an insurance agent in person, I can understand perfectly why they didn't give you a hassle over your broken refrigerator claim.  I wouldn't want to prolong the conversation any longer than necessary either.  You want a new fridge?  No problem.  You want the spoiled food replaced?  Here's a check.  Just please STOP TRYING TO PUNCTURE MY SOUL WITH THOSE EYES.